Thursday, July 26, 2012

Classic MST: "The Legend of Zelda: The Misadventures of Link Part II: Trespassers Lust" by Moranos of Valinor

In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space

We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:

Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “Excelsior!”
Rauru! “Lard of the dance!”
Zelda! “Breakin’ out the Whiffle Canes!”
Link! “Fairies wear boots!”
If you don’t get how he stays alive
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!

>>Link stared blankly

Zelda: Yeah. He does that a lot.

Rauru: Oh, hey, is this another one by that Moron of Volkswagen guy?

DED: Uh...sure.

>>at the redheaded girl who'd just asked him to find her father.

Link: “Waitwaitwaitwaitwait, I’m so confused...who do you want me to find?”

Zelda: “My father.”

Link: “Yeah, what about your father?”

Zelda: “Find him!”

Link: “Find who?”

>>He was hardly aware of what she'd just said,

Rauru: That’s pretty much a permanent state of being with Link here.

Link: I like saying words that don’t mean anything.

>>intent instead upon her beautiful features... on her pouty ruby red lips.

DED: They’re, like, twelve years old. Link has three years or so before he would act like this.

Rauru: Girls have cooties. Cooties are instantly lethal.

Zelda: Isn’t it weird that once you mature, you can try to think back to the time before you lusted for members of the opposite sex, but you just can’t picture what it was like?

DED: Yeah, I mean, try it! It doesn’t work!

Link: Not so. I’ve been getting trim since I could walk erect.

Zelda: Since you were a toddler?

Link: No, I mean since I could walk, erect. I mean, I have such a huge di...

Zelda: Oh, shut up. Just stop. You aren’t fooling anyone, especially not me.

Link: But...but...the Hero of Time has a reputation to consider here! I mean, in all the stories...

Rauru: Oh, Link, don’t let the beliefs of lonely basement-dwellers make you feel bad about your penis size.

DED: Yeah, now look what you’ve done, erotic fiction!

>>"Ok.. but I need your help with something first," he said.

"Really? What?" she looked confused. She kept looking at his crotch. She could see that he was erect...

DED: Hey, guys? I think I know what he wants help with.

Rauru: Gross.

Zelda: Well...he DID turn into an omnipotent porn star god with Saria, so I guess he knows what he’s talking about...

>>"It's, um, up here," he said, pointing up the vines leading up the cliff behind her. "Follow me!" He scampered quickly up the cliff,

DED: Climbing wearing a miniskirt like Link does must be awkward.

Link: Right, with a miniskirt it’s...wait...HEY! It’s NOT a mini-skirt!

DED: But it has the same problems.

Link: Well...yeah, it does.

>>running towards the secret entrance to the gate house. She followed him curiously.

In the gate house, Link told Malon to get on her knees.

Rauru: Man, things are moving at a lightning pace. Usually there’s at least a page of pointless blather before this starts.

Zelda: Yeah. And Link’s so commanding. He knows what he wants and what he wants, he gets.

Link: Damn straight.

>>"I need you to distract some guards for me," he said. "Do you know how to give a blowjob?"

DED: Oh, BOO! Shame on you! This is a pre-pubescent girl we’re talking about here!

Rauru: Um, Link? Is this the absolute best plan you could come up with?

Zelda: Well, that’s really all that Malon’s good for.

Rauru: But couldn’t he have come up with something involving less...thoughtless manipulation and callous disregard for others?

Link: Why? Other people are but tools to be used and thrown away.

>>"Um... yes."

DED: Uh huh. Now this is REALLY reprehensible.

Zelda: What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?

>>"Okay... Wait, realy? You're so young and.. innocent looking."

Link: Yeah, innocent-LOOKING.

Zelda: Malon: once a whore, always a whore.

DED (singing “West Side Story”): When you’re a whore, you’re a whore ‘till the end, from the tips of your nips to your festering cornhole...

Zelda: That’s...disgusting, but clever. Did you make that up on the spot?

DED: Yeah. I’m just awesome like that.

>>"Well.. it's a long story," she said.

Link: “So you might want to sit down. Do you want to get some snacks or something to eat while I tell it?”

Rauru: Yes, I do. (starts eating Chee-tos)

Zelda: Please, please, just don’t stain everything orange.

Rauru: (robes already smeared orange) WUH? WUTHU WUMMIE DO?

>>"Um... ok.... I'm going to bring some guards here, so keep them busy for a while, ok?"


Link: It was then that young Malon learned of the wonderful power that comes with being good at giving head. Her life’s path was now set.


Link peered around the tree he was hiding behind. He shook his head... This Malon girl makes no sense... maybe I should try to fuck her when this is all over.

DED: Oh. Okay. That’s a natural conclusion to draw.

Link: Not entirely unrealistic, though.

Zelda: “Nabooru gave me the Silver Gauntlets. Maybe I should try to fuck her when this is all over.”

Link: Yep. That’s the way my mind works.

>>There were two guards at the moat. He'd have to get both of them to the gatehouse so Malon could keep them occupied... but how?

Rauru: Um, we ALL know how Malon’s gonna keep them occupied.

Zelda: Unless that blowjob question was just making conversation.

>>He began to climb the tree, slowly so as not to draw attention to himself.

Link: Um...don’t think that’s going to help.

DED: Wouldn’t you want to climb the tree as fast as you could, to minimize the amount of time you’re spending in plain sight, humping the side of a tree?

Rauru: That makes me think of something. There are sex stories involving pretty much every possible permutation of characters from our little universe...except one.

Zelda: And that is?

Rauru: The Deku Tree. How come no love for the Deku Tree?

DED: I’m not going to answer. You’ll just have to figure out for yourself why there are no erotic stories involving the Deku Tree.

Zelda: I’m just glad no one’s made any dumbass cracks about “wood.”

Link: ...He must have a big “woody,” huh! LOLZLOLZLOLZ!

Zelda: Dammit, Link!

>>Once at the top, he was nearly over the guards' heads. With great effort he made his voice as low as possible, and spoke to the guards in hushed tones.

"Pssst! There's trouble at the gatehouse! Moblins or something. Come quick!"

Rauru: “Roger that, magic talking tree!”

>>Hylian guards are usually never hired for their intelligence, but for strict adherence to orders.

Zelda: Nah, we outsource our guarding. All the guards are twelve-year-old Malaysian orphans. We pay them in pork rinds.

Rauru: How come you don’t pay ME in pork rinds?

Zelda: We don’t pay you anything. You don’t do anything useful.

>>Suggestible as they were, they quickly nodded to one another and made for the gatehouse.

DED: I’d object, but I have to admit that those guards were pretty damn stupid.

>>Link's path was laid open.

Link: Laid.

>>Alongside the moat Link found the girl's father sleeping, loudly.

Zelda: Yeah, shut the fuck up!

>>Careful not to wake him, he jumped the moat and crawled into the castle.

Link: Hey, what? No no no, there was way, WAY more bullshit than that. I needed a chicken, I had to wait for a day...

>>Evading the guards, he came upon the courtyard where the Princess awaited him...

DED: Nude, I bet.

Meanwhile, back at the gatehouse...

Rauru: Doodely deedley doo!

>>Malon had been prepared when the guards had arrived.

Link: How much preparation is really necessary?

>>She'd torn her shirt open, exposing her tiny breasts,

Zelda: Ha ha. “Tiny breasts” makes me laugh.

DED: When I said someone should write a story about a girl with small breasts a while ago, I meant someone with hair on her crotch. This is just sick.

>>and torn her skirt so that her legs ass and crotch were easily visible. She smeared her face, pinched her nipples, and generally gave the appearance of a girl who'd been violated.

Link: Yeah, but she always looks like she’s just been violated.

Zelda: Because it’s usually true.

Rauru: Geez, lay off Malon!

DED: Look, every time we see Malon, she’s a sex-crazed cum dumpster who doesn’t care where, when, or how she gets nailed. I’m sorry, but that’s the impression I’ve gotten from all the Malon stories we’ve sat through on this long, strange trip.

Zelda: And by contrast, with ME, it’s never like that.

Link: You know that’s a lie.

Zelda: ...I mean in the stories about me.

Link: Oh. Revisionism.

Zelda: Hey, I’m not usually like Malon.

Link: There was that one time.

Zelda: Oh...with the...thing.

Link: Right.

Zelda: Yeah.

Link: That was pretty nasty.

Rauru: Can we move on, please? I have a turkey in the oven.

>>The guards were eating it up. "It was so horrible!" she sobbed, "He just... he forced me to... " She gave a convincing performance.

DED: “ do THIS, and THIS, and, ooo, some of THIS...”

>>"But it's ok, cause you're here now. How can I ever make it up to you for making me safe?"

Link: Let me take a wild guess.

>>"Um, ma'm, you can't be here, the castle grounds are--" the guard started to speak before Malon interrupted him.

DED: “SHUT the fuck up!”

>>"I know... " she said, kneeling before him, caressing her nipples. "It's just that after being attacked I need a real man."

Link: “Clearly I’ll have to look somewhere else...”

Zelda: We only hire gay guards, for this very reason.

>>She caressed the inner part of the man's thigh, working her way up under his tunic.

DED: (as guard) “Um...can you tell me what the man looked like? Uh...where we can put out an APB...uh...are you listening?”

>>The guard turned to his companion, "Wait outside... I'll let you know when it's your turn."

Rauru: It’s almost as if this were a routine experience.

Link: I wish.

>>He removed his belt and leggings, letting Malon lick his cock hungrily.

Rauru: Of all the things I’d like to lick hungrily, cocks are not one of them. Unless we’re talking about cock as in chicken.


"I thought you said Impa was going to teach me a song to play on my ocarina?" Link questioned.


>>The amazingly beautiful princess

Zelda: NOW we’re making sense.

>>had shown him Ganondorf, told him of her dreams, and he'd agreed to help her by finding the spiritual stones.

Link: “Oh, I got spiritual stones...they’re in my pants. You want to polish ‘em?”

DED: That does sound suspiciously like a line we might get in this story.

>>"Yes, I know, but she's late. Wait, here comes someone... hide behind me!"

Zelda: Hide behind me? ExCUSE me? Was I that fat when I was twelve?

Rauru: I am. I have no idea who or what might be lurking behind me, but it could be nearly anything.

Link: Have you considered maybe turning around and checking?

Rauru: Doing what now? You telling me to turn around is like me telling you to lick the back of your own head.

>>Promptly, one of the two guards from the castle moat appeared, panting and sweaty.

"Impa has been delayed, your majesty," he said, bowing. "She has business at the gatehouse and will arrive in two hours."

DED: Oh, nooooooo...

Link: I mean, we all knew Impa was a lesbian, but with little girls? That’s just SICK!

>>Link tried not to look shocked... but he wondered what was going on.

Rauru: Um, so do we.

>>"Thank you, guardsman," replied Zelda, sounding rather regal for her age.

Zelda: I’m regal all the time, bitches!

DED: In that case, don’t you have, like, government things to do?

Zelda: If by “government” things you mean “using the gross domestic product of an entire country for my own decadent amusement” things, then yes.

>>"You are dismissed. And pull up your pants on your way out... you look like you've just had some cheap whore..."

Rauru: Specifically, Malon.


Zelda: See? I wouldn’t say that if it had been ME in the guardhouse!

Link: Yes, you probably wouldn’t.

Zelda: I know what I mean!

>>she spoke with disdain, but an evil sparkle was in her eye.

DED: That’s just her soul trying to escape from her body. Pay no attention.

>>The man quickly pulled up his trousers which were sagging below his tunic. Turning bright red, he saluted, turned, and ran away.

previously, at the gatehouse

Rauru: Wait, previously? WTF?

Zelda: Chronological order is your friend.

>>Malon had kept the first guard busy for about 10 minutes before he blew a load over her face.

Link: Wow, he’s got pretty good control.

DED: It’s probably because every time he got close to orgasm, he’d look down and go, “Holy shit, what the fuck am I doing? That’s a fucking ten-year-old! Forget losing my job, I’ll be lucky if I don’t go to prison for this!”

>>She'd offered him anything else he might want, so he summoned his companion back to the room. He made her regret it, as they proceeded to relieve her of the remainder of her clothing, and they sandwiched her between them and fucked her together, one in the pussy, one in the ass.

Rauru: Mmm, sandwich. (takes out a sandwich)

Zelda: That’s it? That’s all that you got out of that horrible sentence?

DED: It was a run-on sentence, too.

Zelda: Shut the fuck up about run-on sentences, Dave.

DED: But they stick out so clearly to me. They’re like flashing red beacons. You could put them on an ambulance as a warning.

Zelda: In a minute, the same will be true of you.

>>Two fully grown hylian cocks were a bit too much for her, and she fell into a semi-conscious state of bliss.

Link: “Bliss” might not be the right word for it.

>>Impa had arrived after a half an hour of the threesome began, after various positions, and each man had had her from both sides.

DED: Okay. So there’s two guards, three basic sexual acts (anal, oral, vaginal), each of them did each of those in all possible combinations, both alone and with the other had sex twelve times.

Link: Sounds like a typical gangbang to me.

>>Impa was not pleased,

Rauru: “You call THAT fucking a 10-year-old? I’LL show you fucking a 10-year-old!”

>>and sent the higher ranking guard to report to Zelda that she would be late, by two hours.

Rauru: Um...I was kidding when I said that.

>>"Here, young lady, let me show you how this is really done!"

Zelda: Wow. I’m never looking at Impa the same way again.

Link: I try to avoid looking at Impa in general.

>>Impa declared, pushing the remaining guard onto his back

Rauru: SIT yo ass down!

>>and straddling his cock. She pinned him to the ground and began to grind her hips, squeezing his cock within her experienced and powerful pussy.

DED: If she fucks enough people, she goes up a level and gets new powers.

Rauru: Can you EVER stop being a nerd?

DED: Nope. Now and forever.

>>He began to gasp from pleasure, but before he could shoot his cum into her, she pulled off and squeezed the tip of his penis so that his erection subsided slightly.

Link: Permanently.

>>"Come here, girl," she commanded.

DED: Impa is what we call a bad influence.

>>Impa made Malon straddle the man backwards, so that her back was to him, and his cock entered her ass again.

Zelda: She MADE Malon do that? Jesus wept, what is wrong with this woman?

>>Impa pushed her back so that she was lying against the man's chest and belly, and she began to eat the young girl's pussy.

Link: Impa just makes it her mission in life to give people more orgasms than they normally would have.

>>"Oh my god... " Malon gasped.

DED: No, Malon, there is no God. Not anymore.

>>"I've never felt this good before." The man's cock, bent up to reach into her ass, was creating enormous pressure inside her,

Rauru (Scottish): “The reactor cannae take it, captain!”

Zelda: That’s, like, the only joke we know.

>>and Impa's skilled tongue and fingers were ravaging her clit and g-spot.

DED: Is there some special word for female pimp? Because that’s what Impa is.

>>"I know," said Impa.

Link: “Like, duh.”

>>"I think you're multi-orgasmic... let's find out, shall we?"

Rauru: Whaty what?

Zelda: Malon was BORN to be a whore. She has all the natural whore advantages. It’s like...Darwinsim in action.

DED: Of course, we are now required to also put forth the theory that Malon was created a whore as part of the Divine Plan.

Zelda: Clearly, God has a sense of humor.

>>As Malon began to cum, Impa forced the guard to quicken his pace, and she continued abusing the girl's cunt and clit. One orgasm gave way to another, and another...

Link: ON and ON and ON and ON...

Rauru: Like sands through an hourglass...

DED: pass the Sprays of our Lives.

Zelda: Bloody fuckin’ BRILLIANT! (high-fives DED)


Zelda knelt in front of Link, pleading with him to let her give him a blowjob.

Zelda: Umm...say what now?

Link: She’s pleading with ME? Are you kidding?

>>"But you're going to meet so many pretty girls out in Hyrule... why can't I have you too?"

Zelda: Is that implying that I’m not pretty?

Rauru: Zelda, take a chill pill. Otherwise known as ketamine, or Special K on the streets. It’s a powerful animal tranquilizer. Try it, it fucks you up real good.

>>He gave in, whipping out his cock.

DED: He’s like a cowboy at a showdown.

Link: “Draw, pardner!”

>>He wished it was as impressive as it was when he'd done Saria back in the lost woods...

DED: Fat chance.

>>Zelda quickly gulped his entired cock into her mouth, moaning and giggling around it,

Zelda: Um, yeah, that’s just about the last thing I’d ever do...

>>as she encouraged him to thrust deep.

Link: Thrust deeply, my son. Thrust deep.

>>A huge smile was on her face and in her eyes. Yes, she thought, I've finally found him.

Zelda: “I had a dream. In the dream, the world was covered by dark clouds. But then a light pierced the clouds, and took the form of a man with a fairy wearing forest clothes, and bearing the Spiritual Stone of the forest. Oh, and he had an enormous cock. It must be you!”

Link: Hell yeah.


With one final earth-shattering orgasm, Malon finally fell limp and unconscious on the floor of the gatehouse.

DED: Wow.

>>Impa chuckled softly, pulling a blanket from a closet and wrapping the girl in it. "This kind of shit doesn't happen nearly often enough around here, does it?"

Rauru: Really? I had the impression that Hyrule Castle was just all fuckin’, all the time.

Zelda: Impa is so totally fired.

>>"No, ma'am," replied the guard. "But I'm still not sure who told us to come back here so we could find her."

DED: “Yeah, we kinda just blindly obeyed an order that came out of a tree. And then we left the castle unguarded for about half an hour while we gangbanged a prepubescent girl. Do we get a promotion now?”

Zelda: I’m starting to worry about the guards. I ought to check on them to make sure this kind of thing isn’t happening.

>>"Of course not... if things go well, you might meet him again under better circumstances. They'll be calling him The Hero of Time".....

Link: Naw, dog, they call me the Hero of Rhyme, fo’ real, gangsta!


Impa arrived in the Princess' courtyard to find Link and Zelda sleeping peacefully.

Rauru: And pantsless.

>>"Awake, young ones," she said, as they opened their eyes. "It's time..."

Zelda: Oh, lord, what’s she going to do with them now?

Rauru: Whatever it is, I don’t want to know about it.

DED: Boy, this Moronic guy was sure playing a different video game than I was.

Link: Probably one of those Japanese anime sex games that I’ve heard so much about but, of course, have never viewed.

Zelda: Uh huh.

Link So what did we learn this time?

Zelda: I need to castrate all the castle guards, pronto.

DED: Call it the Patriot Act, and claim it’s for “national security.” Thank you! Goodnight!

1 comment:

  1. And it lives! I remember going through these when geocities went down and I thought I'd never see them again.