In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space
We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:
Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “I barely matter!”
Rauru! “Livin’ large, guilty as charged!”
Zelda! “Just put your lips together and blow.”
Link! “Who Mans the Watchmen? Wait that’s not right...”
If you don’t get how he stays alive
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!
“Castle Town Whore” by cno
>>Malon waited until the echo of gentle breaths in the room became a light snore,
Zelda: Oh man, Malon? Being a slut? This is a like a breath of fresh air. Feels good, don’t it?
DED: What does Zelda, being a slut?
Zelda: *slamming magazine into Glock* I see no one here seems to have learned a GOD-damned thing.
DED: Hey, HEY! The revised Season 2 contract said you had to get rid of that.
Zelda: I AM the state, bitch!
Rauru: Girls, girls, don’t fight! Just sit back and enjoy Malon being used properly.
>>then craned her neck, looking over at the sleeping man next to her,
Link: Yeeeep, another day another dollar, the daily grind, the ol’ rat race...
>>making sure he was asleep.
Zelda: “I’ve got to make sure this sleeping man is asleep...or else he ISN’T a sleeping man!”
>>Seeing his eyes closed and his mouth hanging open as usual,
Link: Aww, isn’t it sweet when a whore really gets to know her customers? It’s the attention to detail that really makes Malon shine.
Rauru: What is this, Frommer's Guide to Hyrulian Sex Tourism?
>>she carefully slid out of bed, then pulled the blanket up to cover the now vacant spot on the mattress.
DED: Maybe she could construct a dummy of herself out of some straw and a few sacks of flour.
Zelda: I dunno...aren’t those ingredients a bit too classy to really pull off the deception?
>>She took light steps towards the door, knowing that she was being a little overly cautious;
Rauru: I mean she strangled him with his jockey shorts for hours, he’s probably fully dead by now.
>>her new husband was the soundest sleeper she’d ever met.
Link: Wait, her HUSBAND? What?! This story was supposed to be about Malon bein’ a whore!
DED :Yeah!
Link: ...Why would her husband pay her for sex?
DED: ...
>>But still, the threat of being discovered combined with the shame of what she was going to do
Zelda: “I can’t CONTROL myself, I just gotta have some more of those lemon bars! I don’t even CARE if it goes straight to my hips!”
>>slowed her movement.
Rauru: Gotta go fast!
>>Once she was out in the hallway, she quickened her pace,
Rauru: Gotta go fast! Gotta go fast!
Zelda: Clearly you don’t mean “fast” as in “a cessation of eating.”
Rauru: *gnawing on a fistfull of king-sized Slim Jims* I dun e’en unnerstan the words cummin ow ya mouf *chomp snomp gromch*
>>heading towards the spare bedroom.
DED: Yes, yes, running your own bordello out of your spare bedroom...a MASTERFULLY concealed operation to be sure...
>>The room was void of any furnishings other than a small bed, a table beside it, and a closet opposite the door.
Link: So what the HELL am I paying for?
Zelda: Access to her womb.
Link: ...and?
>>They never had any guests, so the room was essentially just for show.
DED: Shows are every half-hour starting a 9, two-drink minimum and be sure to come by for Thirsty Thursdays here at Lon-Lon Raunch Gentlemen’s Lounge.
>>It was also one of the causes for her late night excursions.
Rauru: Her compulsive desire to accessorize and redecorate this drab bedroom kept her up many anguished, sleepless nights.
>>She crossed the room, and opened the closet, revealing a small, nondescript chest,
Zelda: Hers? That’s kind of disappointing, usually Malon’s rack is proportioned appropriately to her bovine-centered lifestyle.
Rauru: Nah, can’t be her chest they’re talking about. I see no reason to assume a departure from that norm.
>>the keyhole in the center presented vertically, indicating that it was locked.
Link: Calling it now, this chest is gonna be like the briefcase in Pulp Fiction. It’ll drive all the action in the story yet remain a fascinating enigma.
DED: Sure, sure. Got any other predictions, Nostradamus?
Link: Before the decade is out, each of us will be effortlessly transported to work or play by live pigs strapped to our boots!
DED: Right, well. Keep us posted.
>>Running one hand through her red hair nervously,
Rauru: *biting lip* “Oh, dear, I could have SWORN I knew how to open one of these...”
>>she reached the other down into her cleavage,
Link: Heeeey! You know, girls have natural carrying-capacity advantages.
Zelda: Are you telling me I could and should cram a Megaton Hammer and four empty bottles between my tits?
Link: Well just where in the HELL was I supposed to store those things? Where’s my male equivalent? Tucked between my cock and balls? NO! Women have an unfair naturally-occurring boob pocket and that’s the end of it.
DED: You could always get surgically-installed breasts, Link.
Link: Oh SURE, or I could wear a burlap sack tied to my nipples. It’s the principle of the thing, man!
>>and pulled out a small key attached to a loop that had been around her neck.
Zelda: “No, wait, that’s not the right one, let me see here...” *rummaging around in cleavage* “Front door, back door, cookie jar, tool shed...”
DED: “...*snicker* chastity belt...”
>>She somewhat reluctantly freed the key, and slid it home into the lock with a click.
Link: Oh, so, um, to hide them from her husband, Malon keeps her all her johns locked in a trunk during the day. Wise.
Rauru: I keep my LONG-johns in similar conditions, for what it’s worth.
Zelda: Nothing, thanks for playing.
>>She sighed to herself, gathering her resolve,
DED: Once more unto breeches, dear friend! Cuz bitch, the game’s afoot.
Zelda: “Unto” and not “into,” take note.
DED: Yeeuh fo sho nigga. Shakespizzle my nizzle repreSENT.
>>and opened the chest, revealing a modified version of her farm clothes.
Rauru: OH my GOD, it’s her vault of secret fashion prototypes!
>>But, unlike her usual attire, this outfit would be entirely impractical for the kind of labor required of a farmhand:
DED: Biohazard suit?
Zelda: Back half of a donkey costume?
Link: Car wash mascot?
Rauru: Petticoat, corselet, chopines, robe à la polonaise, frilled lace bonnet and an enormous hoop skirt?
>>the neck was cut obscenely low,
Link: Oh. Well how is THAT so ridiculously impractical? Strictly speaking, farming’s hot and you gotta let them sweater puppies breathe.
Zelda: A low neckline is only really “obscene” if there are boobs in it being flagrantly displayed. The existence of skimpy clothing in general can’t really be seen as an inherent affront to human dignity.
DED: Speak for yourself.
>>the skirt so small that a stranger might mistake it for belong to a child,
Rauru: I might mistake this story for be write by a child.
>>and a hole in the material near the belly.
Zelda: Oh, I...huh?
Rauru: I don’t get it. I wear crushed velvet mumus to the exclusion of all else, and even I’m seeing a fashion disaster here.
Link: Like, why not just make it a two-piece? With a kicky beret!
>>Not giving herself time to change her mind,
Zelda: “Hmm, maybe my other slut uniform would be better tonight...nah, mustn’t overthink things.”
>>she quickly pulled her nightgown over her head, and threw it onto the floor.
DED: “So long, frumpy housewife clothes! I’m off to my liberating and empowering moonlight shift at Hooters!”
>>She picked up the provocative dress, and began squeezing herself into it.
Zelda: Ugh, so humiliating when you gain weight and you can’t fit into your old high-school spandex whoring costume anymore. Oh, to be a Size Four again...
Rauru: I though standard whore costume sizing went “XXXS, XXXM, XXXL.”
DED: Yeah, she must have a lot of confidence to park her lard-ass in her old “Triple-extra-medium.”
>>Once it was snug around her curves,
Link: She’s married, I wonder if she’s a MILF. That’d explain it.
DED: Well I dunno, do you want this story served Depressing or Extra-Depressing?
Zelda: Sir did you know for just 99 cents more you can get the Broken Home Value Meal for today’s story that’s an unwanted child with no future plus fried potato skins and a collectable Lon-Lon Long-Dong Condom collect ‘em all.
Link: Jesus this got bleak, fast!
Rauru: Bleak? But the fried potato skins ALONE are a delightfully delicious value!
>>she reached further into the chest and pulled out a small mirror and lipstick.
Zelda: Get the Malon Commemorative Whoredom Box Set today for just two payments of $99.95!
>>She combed through her hair with her fingers,
DED: Too bad she’s too poor for an actual comb.
Link: She can’t honestly claim to be combing her hair, she’s fingering it. Not the first time that word will be employed I’m sure.
>>trying to tame the slightly wild red mane,
Zelda: See, already I’m unconvinced that Malon is a professional-grade whore. A good hooker is thoroughly broken in, in ALL ways.
Rauru: Zelda...ostensibly you’re a princess yet your fields of expertise, your tastes, your demeanor, your whole skillset, all indicate that you are actually the madam of the world’s most exclusive brothel.
DED: I don’t know how familiar you are with how feudalism works Rauru, but that’s basically what being a noblewoman is.
Zelda: Tell me about it. Just last week I had to arrange for one of my 15-year-old debutantes to marry a belligerent alcoholic Zora duke just so Ruto would stop being so pissed off about the assassins I sent after her bookkeeper. This business is BRUTAL.
>>then began applying the ruby red lipstick to her lips.
Link: So she’s makin’ herself look nice. Why doesn’t she do this ALL the time?
Zelda: She should consider switching this from her side-business to her primary revenue stream.
Rauru: See? SEE?
DED: No one was arguing against you, Rauru.
>>Puckering her lips together a few times to make sure she was satisfied,
Link: I’m pretty sure that what she’s doing and what she’s about to do are in fact what’s ultimately preventing her from ever experiencing satisfaction.
>>she returned the mirror and the makeup to the chest,
Zelda: Confident that no one would mistake her for something else, like a garbage picker or a professional dog-walker.
>>and closed the closet door as quietly as possible.
Rauru: CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAK.
>>As she walked back down the hallway towards the stairs, she listened carefully for the sound of
Link: Sirens, in case the cops are working her beat tonight and she’ll have to lay low.
>>Link’s snores coming from their room.
Zelda: Oh hey, your wife’s a whore. Cool.
Link: Wh- HEY! What gives?
DED: Ha ha!
Link: Man, this is wrong in ALL sorts of ways. First off, NO ONE cuckolds the Hero of Motherfucking Time.
DED: More like the Hero of ANOTHER-Fucking Time! HYOOO!
Link: STOP! Shut UP! Why would I even SETTLE for Malon anyway? Cripes I’m not just an eligible bachelor, I’m the eligible bachelor spoken of in song and legend. And I give that up for a life of COWS?
Rauru: And yet it’s MALON who’s so dissatisfied that she’s taking the initiative to cheat on you. I bet you’d be heartbroken if your life of barnyard mundanity were shattered by her infidelity!
Link: Dammit, shut up! This is so bogus. Why would she be whoring!? Can I not provide for her? Rupees are easy as shit to get, you can get like a sandwich per slain Tektite and killing those takes less than a minute! At the very least, why isn’t she cutting me in on it?!? Who would she rather have as her pimp?! She’s probably taking all her cunt money and spending it on fancy shoes she can’t ever wear because she stands around in fucking LITERAL ACTUAL BULLSHIT all day!!!
Rauru: Wow, are you ALWAYS this sensitive?
Link: I just...*sniffle*...it’s emasculating.
DED: Scarcely more so than the story where you went to Dark Link’s cabin and let him rape you.
Rauru: Just think of it this way, Link: In this story, Malon will suffer tremendous emotional and physical abuse and the worst you’ll endure is an uninterrupted night’s sleep.
Link: That helps a LITTLE...
>>The sharp snort assured her that he was still asleep,
DED: Or that he had just suffered a brain aneurysm, who knows.
>>so she tiptoed down the stairs.
Zelda: To the Hookermobile!
DED: She’s really worried about the potential for...Link’s Awakening! ZINNNNNNNNG!
>>She opened the front door, relieved to see Epona awake and waiting for her.
Link: “We-e-e-e-e-ll it ain’t like it’s hard to pick up on yer habits ma’am and who’s this horse to judge anyhow, just mind ya don’t feed me a carrot that you’ve been usin’ in yer...workplace and all....”
>>Apparently she had gotten used to her master’s late night outings.
DED: Then take to thy swift and courageous steed and ride like the wind, good cuntmonger!
>>She approached the loyal horse, giving her a loving pat along her neck,
Rauru: I wonder if she ever goes and makes the journey all Lady Godiva.
Link: You mean singing pop songs while wearing meat?
Zelda: No, naked.
Link: I am in favor.
>>then gestured over to the stool
Zelda: “Sor-r-r-r-ee boss, I left another present over there...”
>>Malon used to mount the bigger horses. Epona obediently meandered over,
DED: “Meander over there,” she thought, and it was like the horse READ her MIND!
>>and allowed the red-head to throw her leg over the horse’s back with practiced ease.
Link: Oh ho, she spreads her legs with practiced ease.
Zelda: Yes, because she is a whore.
Link: Dang it, it’s not FUNNY now.
>>“Lets go girl.” She whispered,
Rauru: “You’re right Epona,” answered Malon enthusiastically. “Let’s hit the town!”
>> leaning down close to the horse’s ears.
Rauru: The Horse Whisperer and the Whores Whisperer.
Zelda: Yeah and I’m whores from yelling at the whore’s race but I’m up for some whore’s-back riding later. Let’s just get these puns out of the way.
DED: She’s skilled in whoreticulture and can protect her plants from whorefrost.
Zelda: *reaching for thigh holster* THAT’S it you are WAY out of line!
DED: Not so fast! I’VE taken the liberty of implanting an ultra-strength bullet-attracting magnet in the back of your own head!
Zelda: Wh-what? You’re bluffing. When?
Rauru: Oh, last afternoon, while you were passed out on rum coolers.
Zelda: ...you HELPED with this?
DED: It’s for the best you know.
Zelda: SHADDAP!
>>Link had taken a while to get to sleep so she was behind schedule.
Link: DAMMIT, this is costing her BIG-TIME, she’s gonna miss the 2 A.M. bar-closing rush.
>>Epona seemed to recognize the girl’s rush,
DED: “W-e-e-e-e-ll mistress if we take the A7 up past the junction we can skip the traffic on the outer loop and probably hit the suburbs in about twenty or so...”
Zelda: "Neighhhh! In 500 feet, take second left onto Dirt Path."
>>and took off at a brisk pace.
Rauru: Why it’s like they’re BOTH eager for her to get fuckin’!
Link: It’s the drawback of living in the countryside, you gotta commute to work in the big city.
>>Together, they crossed the dark, empty fields of Hyrule.
Zelda: “I just don’t GET it. I come out here, I ride around these dark empty fields, wearing this slutty outfit, and NO ONE shows up to pay for sex! Maybe men just aren’t interested in hookers after all...”
>>Under different circumstances, it would have been a beautiful, romantic scene.
Rauru: Saaaay with a different plot, and more appealing characters.
>>But the reality of the situation sank in again as they reached the gate of Castle Town.
DED: Yes dear readers, the grim truth is that the gate..................was closed.
Link: GAAAASP!
>>The guards took a look at the figure approaching from Lon Lon Ranch and began lowering
Rauru: ...their pants, furiously stroking...
>>the bridge.
Rauru: ...cool, that made no sense whatsoever!
>>After all, everyone knew Malon.
DED: Renown, companionship, “work and love”—does she not have what Freud said made us most complete?
Zelda: Freud said everyone was obsessed with poop and weiners.
DED: ...True.
>>Once she was safely on the other side of the gate,
Link: What is this, Castlevania all of a sudden?
>>the bridge raising again behind her, she walked over to the building immediately to her right.
Zelda: “Hmm, THERE’S the whore-processing checkpoint. Guess I better get in line. Lessee here: ‘All whores must sign in and out. Whores must have their hands stamped to re-enter town. All whores must register with the Municipal Prostitution Committee, online or by calling this toll-free number. Unregistered whores will be towed without compensation...’”
>>She stopped Epona near the fence next to the door,
Rauru: Parking’s convenient at least.
>>and carefully swung her leg over
Link: “Hey mistress, who-o-o-a, HERE? You can’t do that on toppa me ma’am that’s sexual harassment!”
>>and jumped down onto the ground.
Link: “Oh, sor-r-r-ee madam, I really don’t mean t’ be stereotypin’ ya like this but I just jump t’ conclusions sometimes...”
>>She took hold of the horse’s reigns,
DED: The Equus Dynasty was destroyed when the reign of Epona XI was usurped by the treacherous Malon, Whore-Queen of the Prairie.
Zelda: You used that ONE mistaken homophone as an excuse to make up a whole slew of fantasy bullshit. And yet I’M the one with the bullet magnet in my head?!?
Rauru: It was fun! You were supposed to get all the ice cream and candy you wanted after the operation but Dave said I could have it all instead.
Zelda: Damn you all to hell.
>>and walked her closer to the metal poles, then tied the rope into a knot around them.
Link: Maybe she shouldn’t be leaving her horse in this suspicious free parking in the bad part of town.
DED: She shouldn’t get off the horse at all, he should be like the ice cream man of poon and travel the streets playing a jaunty tune. (cranking a music box to make a tinkly ice-cream truck “Turkey in the Straw” tune) “Iiiiiiif you wanna find a hooker and you don’t know where to go, then just come find Malon and she’ll be your ho’...”
Zelda: Heeheehee! Good one.
DED: “Her rates are quite competitive, she swallows on demand, she can stroke your grundle, she can even hold your hand...”
Zelda: HOkay shut up now.
>>“Behave while I’m gone.
Rauru: “Now don’t forget to do YOUR part and turn lots of tricks, too!”
>>Mr. Jenkins will keep an eye on you for me.” She whispered. Epona snorted in response.
Link: “Who-o-o-o-a there don’t leave me with that creepy bastard, he’s got clammy ha-a-a-ands!”
>>Gathering her courage,
Zelda: You know, seasons don’t fear the raper, nor do the wind, the sun and the rain. We can be like they are.
>>Malon turned and ventured further into the small town.
DED: It appears as though she’s just a small-town girl, living in a lonely world. She took a midnight horse going anywhere.
Link: Interesting. I was just thinking how I’m just a forest boy, born and raised in South Kokiri, I took a midnight horse going anywhere.
Zelda: That’s right. Anyway, back to Malon, she’s probably on her way to a smoky room, a smell of wine and cheap perfume. For a smile they can share the night, it goes on, and on, and...
DED: ...on...and...
Link: ...on. Yeah. She’s looking for the strangers, waiting, up and down the boulevard, their shadows...*finally breaking into song* searrrr-ching in the NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII—
Rauru: ALLLLLLLL right, let’s bring this joke in for a landing.
Link: Look, just hold on to that feeling is alls I’m tryin’a say.
>>There wasn’t much activity late at night,
Zelda: ...yet...
>>but there were still people milling about.
DED: “Hey, they said a sexy hooker was gonna be here tonight, we’ve been milling for hours!”
Zelda: “Well boys, here sh—”
Rauru: “Yeah what gives lady, where is she? Do you know where this ‘Malon the slut’ might be found?
Zelda: “That’s what I’m trying to tell y—”
Rauru: “I heard she looks sorta like you only less pudgy and bedraggled.”
DED: “Let us know if you see her ‘kay?”
Zelda: *sigh*
>>Hopefully, some of them were looking for what she had to offer.
Link: Mushy, loveless rutting and venereal disease.
Rauru: If you’re interested in the fine dairy products she has to offer, please call on her again during regular business hours.
>>As she crossed through the main venue, she caught a glimpse of herself in one of the store windows.
Zelda: So nice of the local business to put up posters advertising her service.
DED: Yeah you know, a good relationship like that really benefits both business partners.
>>The material of her dress was straining around her chest,
Link: Damn, shoulda put some mothballs in your hooker cabinet.
>>half of her round milky flesh already on display
Rauru: Hmm, good marketing. I suppose she employs various image consultants.
>>due to the enticing swoop of the cotton.
DED: “Oh yeah baby, show me that cotton dress. Oooh, is it high thread count? That’s so hot and nasty. Yeah, take that sexy little number off and leave in on the floor. Then get out. What? I paid you already, LEAVE!”
Link: Come to think of it, she’s whoring in secret, where did she even GET those clothes? Did she make them herself?
>>The round hole near her midriff revealed her flat belly,
Zelda: Well what did she EXPECT?
>>and the absurdly low cut of her skirt
DED: Her skirt’s so absurd it will be featured in her upcoming performance of “Waiting For Godot and His ’Hos.”
>>barely covered the curve of her ass.
Link: Just what is the curve of her ass, anyway?
DED: You see Link, Einstein tells us that large concentrations of mass bend space and time around them, creating a curvature in the fabric of the cosmos.
Link: …
DED: ...or in layman’s terms, “Dat fat ass.”
Link (frowning in deep thought): I see.
>>Her face flushed with shame,
Rauru: Or was it really shame? Was it perhaps...lust?
Zelda: A mote predictable. You gotta go for a sort of meta-shame, where she’s simultaneously ashamed that she’s doing this and ashamed that she’s secretly beginning to enjoy it. You get the sort of anguished rationalizing slide towards depravity that really enhances the moment when she snaps and abandons herself to her unrestrained carnal...
Rauru: You would be turned down by a human trafficking syndicate for being overqualified.
Zelda: That’s the nicest thing anyone’s said to me in a while, Rauru!
Link: But—but just the other day I said you were my boundless ocean of joy and a dazzling gallery of luscious delights.
Zelda: Dave wrote you those lines to use to try and weasel your way out of helping paint my ‘66 Thunderbird, you disingenuous dolt.
DED: But I meant it from the bottom of his heart!
Zelda: Stay outta this nerd, that T-Bird’s getting painted gold and lavender.
Link: B—
Zelda: NO BUTS! Those are my colors.
>>but she turned her head and continued walking.
Rauru: Well you can tell by the way she uses her walk, she’s any man’s woman, no time to talk.
DED: You know...
Rauru: What?
DED: It’s all right.
Link: Ah.
DED: It’s okay.
Zelda: What are y—
DED: You can look the other way. Oh we can try, to understand...
Zelda: You son of a BITCH! *drawing Glock from thigh*
DED: I think you will find tha—
Zelda (holding gun by barrel): I think YOU’LL find that magnets can’t stop PISTOL WHIPPINGS motherfucker!
DED (running away making Three Stooges noises): Woob woob woob woob woob nyi-yi-yi!
Zelda: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE!
>>She finally reached her favorite spot next to the fountain in the center of the town.
Link: She has a favorite spot and everything! I think she’s really coming into her own as a hooker.
Rauru: Yeah! Zelda, you should call her up to the big leagues and get her a courtesan position at the castle.
Zelda: Oh like mish or reverse cowgirl or the Downward Dog?
Rauru: Uh...probably. Yeah.
Zelda: Well let’s see how she performs and I’ll think about it.
>>It had been where she had first met Link, and ever since it had been special to her.
Link: Oh, so, great! GREAT! FUCKING GREAT! WHY DON’T YOU JUST MARRY ME AND THEN COME BACK SURREPTITIOUSLY IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT WHILE I SLEEP AND LOOK FOR STRANGERS TO PAY YOU FOR SEX HERE AT THAT, VERY, SPOT!? I mean that’s exactly what I’D do!
Zelda: Link, just so you know, I’m NOT using the castle courtyard where we first met to prostitute myself, but I AM using it as sort of a command center from which to provide prostitutes to my sundry courtiers, confidants, minions, flunkies, toadies, lackeys, henchmen and hangers-on.
Link: See, THIS, I’m fine with. Just keep the PB&J money comin’, sugartits.
Zelda: I’d do it in the garage but YOU know how full of junk that place is.
>>She glanced around, trying to look inviting to anyone who passed by,
Rauru: And failing catastrophically!
>>with a hand on her hip, her chest thrust out, and a smile on her face.
DED (sultry): “Hey there, big boy, care to get to know this here fountain? It’s a priceless historic treasure that dates back more than...”
>>She only had to wait about 5 minutes before a younger looking man wandered over, looking slightly sheepish.
Link: “Err, uhh, ma’am this is a classy town, I’ve been asked to tell you to give up and go home.”
>>“You know.”
Zelda: She knows? What does she know? Barely anything, last I heard.
Rauru: Wow, I bet she’s a secret hooker spy or something! Intrigue and excitement surely await us!
DED: Yeah yeah yeah, he’s gonna go, “You know too much, bitch!” and then they’ll have a knife fight in the fountain and it’ll be sexy AND dangerous, and she’ll stab him and make an edgy quip like, “Guess my pimp’s not the only one who gets a cut,” and that demonstrates that she’s actually an empowered female lead who won’t take none and don’t need no man.
Zelda: I really hate how you well you can turn anything into Hollywood-style garbage.
DED: Thanks.
>>He began, a nervous smile on his face.
Rauru: Nervous, why? Soliciting a prostitute? It’s like pulling up at a drive-thru, just say what you want and they’ll tell you the price and you pay at the second window.
>>“You look a lot like that Malon girl who runs Lon Lon Ranch.
DED: “That’s a big turn-off. Could you put on a wig or something?
>>I always wanted to spend a night with her.
Zelda: “We could eat cake and gossip and do our hair while watching Dr. Who, it would be FABULOUS!”
Link: “It’s too bad that callipygian demigod from our folklore is real and married to HER, huh? The legendary Hero of Time would surely use his superhuman combat prowess to disembowel Malon and everyone else in a three mile radius if he ever caught her cheating. OH WELL!”
DED: I’m impressed you actually incorporated a word I taught you into your vocabulary, Link.
Link: A word that means “having perfectly formed buttocks?” I hate you for not teaching me earlier ya big galoot! I devoted ten, even TWENTY neurons to memorizing that one!
>>How much?”
Rauru: “...have I always wanted to spend a night with her, you ask? Oh, a lot. As much as a starving man wants a sack of Doritos. As much as a boiled hot dog in a plain bun desperately needs condiments. As much as...”
>>Malon recoiled inwardly,
DED: ...It isn’t really possible to recoil outwardly, is it? Unless you’re Coily the Spring-Sprite.
Zelda: I think puffer fish could be said to recoil outwardly when in danger.
DED: Perhaps. This should be investigated.
>>but forced her smile to widen as if she was excited by the prospect of having sex with this stranger.
Rauru: Or as if she had acquired a delicious chili sauce for her plain hot dog. Or as if she managed to recover a soufflé that she thought had collapsed. Or as if...
>>“I get that a lot sugar.”
Rauru: I get that a lot sugar, and I get that a lot flour, and I get that a lot nutmeg, and...
Zelda: All right cram a cheese wheel in it you Butterball turkey.
Rauru: Waaaay ahead of you.
DED: This is so under-punctuated I can barely understand it. Try saying it just like that, robotically with no pauses or inflection. Is she actually trying to say that she’s here to buy a bunch of sugar?
>>She purred with a slight accent.
Link: Is there an accent that sluts have?
Zelda: Oh, I’m sure your imagination will suffice.
Link: I’m going to imagine these lines with an outrageously bad Australian accent then, because is funny to me.
>>“For 70 rupees I can pretend to be her if you want.”
Rauru: So guys will PAY her to act like HERSELF? Holy SHIT is this lucrative for her!
DED: Could she get it so people just pay her to do stuff she’d already be doing around the farm? And they can just follow her and jack off in their trenchcoats?
Link: That was my whole point earlier! Just come to me with these ideas Malon! We can turn this whole worthless dairy farm into a fantastically profitable sex haven of BIBLICAL proportions!
Zelda: Ha ha, “come to me with these ideas.”
>>His smile faded a little.
Rauru: “...Oh, no, I wanted to pretend you were Kim Basinger. Does that work?”
>>“That’s a bit steep for me. I’d pay that much to fuck her, but not some whore that looks like her.”
Zelda: Man oh MAN. Link and Malon’s whole marriage is set up all wrong. You’ve got Malon sneaking out on these potentially marriage-ruining anonymous whoring sessions. Then you’ve got an unfulfilled market segment willing to pay exorbitant fees for sex with Malon specifically, but not with a whore who looks exactly like her. It’s just a flawed paradigm.
DED: It’s true, her operation is really poorly optimized.
Zelda: What this marriage SHOULD look like is Link sitting on a throne in their bedroom wearing a huge fuzzy pimp hat and holding a cane with a Triforce on the top, while Malon sucks him off and gets her ass reamed by a customer who will remember this night fondly for years to come. Isn’t that better for EVERYONE?
Link: EXACTLY! This is why I love you and not her, princess!
Zelda: It’s the Triforce of Wisdom, hon. It brings all the boys to the yard, that they may be enlightened.
Rauru: ...In the ways of bordello management.
Zelda: Yeah, NOW, because it’s the subject of our story!
>>She pushed the emotional pain of being called a whore to the side,
DED: I mean she gets enough of that while Link’s awake...
>>even if it was an accurate description,
Zelda: “Sir, I have never been so accurately insulted in all my life!”
>>and grabbed his wrist as he turned to walk away.
Link: “Wait no I can offer landscaping and tree removal servi—damn, he’s gone.”
>>Glancing around quickly to make sure there was no one in earshot,
Rauru: Yeah, her business as “Whore that Looks Like Malon” would be ruined if EVERYONE knew that she actually is Malon.
>>she dropped the accent and quietly whispered: “What if I really was Malon?”
DED: “Uh, then I’d probably get cold feet about the whole thing and run off awkwardly and feel guilty forever. Why?”
>>The man’s face lit up and he looked her up and down again.
Zelda: “No, no, you’re definitely fatter than I remember Malon being. Nice try, though, lady.”
DED: Come on, there was only one line about Malon squeezing into tight clothes and it didn’t SAY it was because she had gotten fat.
Zelda: What do YOU think happens to married women, anyway?
DED: ...con...tent...ment?
>>“I thought you looked a little bit too much like her.
Rauru: “Nah, I don’t buy it, you look TOO much like Malon.”
Link: “Trying too hard, NEEEEXXXXXXT!”
>>Well isn’t this my lucky day.”
Zelda: Be careful what you wish for.
DED: “I always wanted to fuck the famous ‘Malon of the Floppy Clam,’ and find out just what exactly they mean by that...”
>>He licked his lips as his eyes targeted her exposed cleavage.
Rauru: Brain to penis, brain to penis, can’t get a lock commander!
DED: Damn it brain, don’t you realize what’s at stake here? Divert ALL available power to stare at her boobies!
Rauru: With pleasure, sir!
>>“What’s a girl like you doing dressed like this in the middle of Castle Town at night?”
Zelda: Um, I think you pretty much had the right idea earlier when you were asking how much it would cost to fuck her.
>>He asked, drawing closer and putting his hand on the small of her back.
DED: I don’t quite understand the point of that phrase, how is the lower back especially smaller than the rest of it?
>>She pulled away slightly, not wanting him to get his hands on her before they worked out payment.
Zelda: Smart. You’re goin’ places, kid. Like a filthy alley or a vibrating bed shaped like a giant heart.
>>“What do you think? Money problems.
Link: “...you’re out here dressed like this in the dead of night doing ‘money problems’? Is this a sexy algebra class?”
DED: “No, but for 70 rupees I’ll let you reach into this fountain and put some algae on my bra...”
>>Like I said, 70 rupees and you can touch all you want.”
Rauru: “Does that oral contract specify where I can touch and with what?”
DED: “...Because I’m more interested in some oral contact if you catch my drift.”
>>He cocked an eyebrow with a smirk on his face.
Link: Hna-HWAAAHHHHH!
>>“How about 80 rupees, and you explain why you’re out here instead of sleeping with that hero husband of yours.”
Zelda: Uh, Malon, you probably don’t want to let him pay you to blackmail yourself. Just sayin’.
>>She paused, considering his offer. Every bit of money would help… “100.” She whispered.
Link: You know, my wallet is full of 9.99 times that much money and that’s just the wallet I carry around with me. Assuming he’s calling me a “hero husband” because this is after I’m done saving the world and not just because I put up with her bullshit, that means I’ve already bought everything there is to buy. WHY does every bit of money help?!
DED: I think you’re underestimating what a colossal money pit Lon-Lon Ranch must be at this point.
>>“90. I’ll even let you finish talking before we get to the good part.”
Rauru: “...AND I want the access codes to the ranch, and the blueprints for the experimental milking machine! Or else EVERYONE gets to know who their innocent milkmaid has been milking, isn't that right Malon?"
Zelda: “Dammit Epona, you set me up! YOU SET ME UP!”
>>She bit her lip and nodded.
Link: “Yes, that’ll cover the cost of horse feed for the commute here plus depreciation, the wear and tear on my dress, parking fee, whore permit, leaving me with a profit of...three and a half rupees. Excellent!”
>>“Fine.
DED: So Malon’s sanctity as a woman can be bought for the same price as one Deku Stick and a Hylian Shield, or 50 arrows.
>>But I get half up front.”
Rauru: “Oh yeah, I was planning on doing it half up front and half in the rear.”
>>The man laughed. “Been doing this for awhile huh? Somebody stiff you after they were finished?”
Zelda: “...No, they’re usually stiff during and less so afterward.”
>>Malon ignored the question and stuck out her hand impatiently.
DED: “C’mon, shake on it! Shake! Gimme your paw, that’s a good boy!”
>>The man sighed, then reached around in his pocket before presenting her with a purple rupee.
Link: “Now start working the tip of that into your butthole and follow me.”
>>“There. Sign of good faith; even more than half.”
Rauru: More a sign of an easy mark, I’m thinking.
>>She nodded in acknowledgement,
Zelda: “Mmm, fifty IS more than half of ninety...”
>>and tucked the precious jewel into her coin purse.
Link: I HOPE that’s not a euphemism.
>>She took the man by the hand, and led him down to a nearby alley.
DED: See, you THINK you’ve got enough money for a prostitute, but unless you’re content to jam it in right there in a filthy alley, there ARE gonna be incidental expenditures involved.
>>The journey was taken in silence,
Rauru: Journey to the Center of the Red-Light District!
Zelda: Escape from Slut Mountain!
>>but when Malon stopped behind a pottery shop,
Link: See she’s got it all wrong. She’s got to break into that shop, pick up and hurl all the pots, and steal all the money and helpful objects inside.
DED: Sound financial advice.
Link: It’s how I built MY fortune dag-gummit!
>>the man crossed his arms across his chest.
Rauru: “Here, I want you to go like this. Yeah, push them titties up.”
>>“Well? I believe I paid for a story.
DED: “Do you know Beowulf? Any of the Norse eddas or even the Rig Veda would be okay too.”
Zelda: “...”
DED: “What? Come on. How about The Epic of Gilgamesh? No? What kind of prostitute ARE you?”
>>Well, part of what I paid for was a story.”
Rauru: I wonder what percent of the lump sum the story represents.
Zelda: That ultimately depends on Malon’s coitial skill, don’t you think?
>>Malon bit her lip and ran her fingers through her hair, trying to decide what to say.
DED: “Umm, uhh, ‘Call me Ishmael.’ No wait that’s taken, uh, ‘It was the best of times, it was the...’ ooooh, darn, I’m no GOOD at this...”
>>“Things…are not going well at the ranch.
Rauru: “Seems you’re supposed to FEED the cows in between milkin’ ‘em. Who knew?”
DED: “No one ever told me you’re supposed to SELL the milk after you get it outta the cow.”
>>Some disease went around our animals, and we lost more than a handful of our cows and horses.
Zelda: “Since we’re the only dairy farm in the whole world, fortunately the contagion is quarantined at the moment.”
>>And my husband…” She didn’t have the heart to use Link’s name,
Link: Good, because it’s probably not my fault, whatever it is. I deny all charges and plead the Fifth.
Zelda: Hey hey hey, I sure as SHIT didn’t give nobody no Bill of Rights. Plead the Fifth what?
DED: Knowing YOU wrote the laws, probably “The Fifth of Scotch.”
Zelda: Oh har dee har har.
>>“…doesn’t exactly understand money very well.
Rauru: “He keeps planting it thinking more will grow...”
Zelda: “Link, Link, sweetie, MONEY is representative of LABOR and is exchanged for GOODS and SERVICES.”
DED: “BWAAUURRR LINK STILL NOT GET MUNNEE!”
>>He insisted we buy a new home on the ranch,
Link: From WHOM, exactly? Ourselves?
>>and even if we didn’t have all the trouble with the animals, we would have trouble paying it off.”
Zelda: This is pretty much exactly what I would expect.
Link: What, you sayin’ I’m a waste of money?
Zelda: Last month you burned down my partially-built hunting palace because you were playing laser tag with Fire Arrows.
Link: So what? Listen toots, you can write off your me-related expenses as “world-shattering catastrophe insurance,” and next time your ass is trapped in a magic crystal and more than just your backup mansion is burning to the ground, you can think hard about who’s coming to kill the shit out of your captor.
Zelda: Yes, yes...
>>She looked up at the man’s face, and saw an almost evil smirk.
DED: Why it’s like he might use this sensitive information against you! Who could have guessed?
>>“And now you’re sucking dick in alleyways to pay off your debts.”
Rauru: But hey, new house! So is the mortgage reasonable? Has escrow closed or...
>>Her face flushed with embarrassment, but she nodded.
Link: Well, trust me, her position would be the same if she had postponed marriage and got a degree with student loans.
DED: Mired in unsolvable debt, sucking dick on the streets?
Link: Exactly. So at least she has a hunka-hunka burnin’ me to take care of her this way.
>>“Well, better get to work then”
Zelda: Yeah, just SAYING you’re a whore doesn’t MAKE you one.
>>He paused, then emphasized the next word with venom in his voice, “Whore.”
DED: Why so venomous? HE’S the one who hired her, why’s he being so dismissive of his own purchase?
>>At his instruction, she slunk down to her knees, and reached for his belt.
Rauru: The instruction boiled down to, “Perform fellatio.” Terse, but effective.
>>She flicked her wrist and pulled the leather strap out of the loops,
Link: Fuck the WHAT are they talking about? Flicked her wrist, what does THAT have to do with anything?
DED: Maybe she’s a masochist and needs to flick herself to prime the pump a little?
>>and pulled at the waistband until his pants slid down his thighs.
Zelda: And with that, Phase One is complete.
>>She was half surprised to see that he wasn’t wearing any underclothes,
DED: Being married to Link, she should get used to it.
Link: Tunic, jodhpurs, bare balls. That’s the only order to live by my friends.
>>and was instead instantly face to face with his half-erect cock.
Rauru: Well, face to cock, really.
>>It was relatively small,
Link: Relative to what? An acorn? A bicycle? Her penis?
DED: Don’t EVEN go there.
>>especially considering some of the other dicks she had recently been exposed to,
Zelda: Now why would a large-dicked man need her services?
DED: Hey, there are plenty of intelligent, handsome, well-hung bachelors who nonetheless can’t attract a mate on their own. Such as me.
Rauru: And me!
DED: Shut up Rauru, you’re making the rest of us look bad.
>>looking like it would barely reach 5 inches at full mast,
Link: Well young man, that’s why the Goddesses created prostitutes in general and Malon in particular.
DED: I still maintain that Midna and her tiny gash are what’s called for here.
>>but she widened her eyes as if in awe,
Rauru: Ah, feigned enthusiasm. How would society even function without it?
>>and whispered: “Wow” under her breath loud enough for him to hear.
Zelda: “U-Unless you’re a submissive who gets off on humiliation, in which case I spit on your tiny baby dick, man-slave.”
>>This seemed to please him,
DED: You ever notice how no one is sitting around wondering what MEN really want to hear?
>>as his cock twitched and started growing faster.
Rauru: “This woman I’m paying for sex thinks my penis is attractive! Oh BOY do I feel confident and virile!”
>>She took his pale, uncut penis in her hand
Link: And a bag of pale, uncut cocaine in the other.
>>and pumped up and down, helping it reach its full length.
Zelda: “Just TRY HARDER ya load!”
>>Once she was confident it wasn’t going to get any bigger,
DED: Yes, but HOW can you KNOW?
Link: Nah nah nah, I finally got over than existential absurdity kick from last week and I won’t let you remind me.
>>she pushed the excess skin back, leaned in, and took the head into her mouth.
Rauru: But of course, the head’s the best part of the chocolate bunny.
>>She run her tongue along the underside as she bobbed her head down further down his meat, causing him to groan. “Yeah, suck it slut.
Zelda: I’m DOING it...
Link: I have noticed in porno that they only ever tell the girl to suck it whilst she’s already doing so.
>>You love it don’t you?” She resisted the urge to roll her eyes.
DED: So she just bit his dick a little instead.
>>Apparently he had already forgotten that he was paying her.
Zelda: That doesn’t mean it’s impossible for her to love it. What, can’t a woman have career satisfaction?
>>Instead, she nodded her head and moaned, fitting more of his cock into her mouth.
Link: Yes, she nods to affirm that she loves “it.” Good thing he didn’t even remotely specify what “it” might be, or else this could be less pleasant for her. Or more. Who knows?
>>He roughly grabbed hold of her hair,
Rauru: You know, approximately a rough guesstimate.
>>causing her to sigh and wince inwardly as she realized what he had in mind.
DED: “I’m giving you a haircut, hippie!”
Zelda: “But girls are ALLOWED to have long hair!”
DED: “Wait, you’re a GIRL? Shit, boner gone.”
>>She was ready when he forced her head on the way down onto his cock,
Link: That IS sort of a predictable consequence of letting him pay you to suck his dick.
>>pushing his rod into her throat and shoving her nose against his pelvis.
Rauru: Oh nose! This pelvis too much for me!
>>Sad to say, he was not the first to do it to her recently.
DED: Cashiers, tollbooth attendants, baristas, her husband...EVERYONE seemed to be facefucking her lately.
>>Luckily, it seemed as though he was not going to last much longer.
Zelda: Oh, that’s sad. I guess this whole sex with Malon thing was provided by the Make A Wish Foundation.
>>His head was thrown back,
Rauru: Nope, don’t want it. You got any others?
Link: I see she practices catch-and-release prostitution.
>>groaning loudly and chuckling between breathes.
DED: “Your cocksucking skills are mediocre at best but your groan-worthy puns ARE worth a chuckle...”
>>“Ugh gods, you fucking slut.
Link: “...I HATE sluts!”
>>Take it.
Zelda: Take another little bitta my heart, now baby...
DED: Janis. Nice.
>>You love choking on my dick don’t you?”
Rauru: “I’ll have you know I’d rather be choking on my HUSBAND’S dick, than you very much.”
Zelda: “Of all the dicks I’ve choked on you don’t even crack the top 10.”
>>Although she hadn’t choked yet, she nodded enthusiastically and moaned,
Link: If she’s not choking yet, how can she agree that she loves to? Can it be that women sometimes lie about their sexual satisfaction?
>>vibrating her lips and tongue around his meat.
DED: Plenty of lip and tongue action!
>>He roughly pumped his cock into her mouth,
Rauru: Sorta kinda pumping it NEAR her mouth, ballpark.
Link: Wait, is his cock covered in sandpaper? Jesus Christ how horrifying!
>>frantically thrusting his hips as quickly as possible,
Zelda: Oh god, THERE’S NO TIME!
Link: ...your sword is enough! *gets pistol-whipped*
>>muttering almost incoherently under his breath.
DED: Rashafrasha sassafrass hominahomina peasandcarrots shiddlydiddly furglburgl sacksapotatoes...
>>She sensed his orgasm approaching,
Rauru: A storm is coming.
>>so she hummed lightly, trying to help the process along.
Link: She doesn’t even know the lyrics? Worse hooker ever.
DED: I wonder what mantras produce the best hummers. Presumably I should consult the Kama Sutra.
Zelda: Om Mani Padme Cum.
>>He shoved her face against his pelvis one more time, and held it there.
Rauru: Wing passes to center, center holds it...HOLDS IT...HOLDS IT!!!
>>She closed her eyes and tried to ignore the taste
Link: She certainly doesn’t have a shred of taste, it’s true. But I’m afraid it won’t help here.
Zelda: Her lack of taste is what got her in this mess to begin with.
>>as he emptied his nuts into her mouth.
DED: Uh, there’s a whole lot of gross blood and glands and connective tissue and stuff in there. That’s...he’s probably dying if that’s coming out of his urethra.
>>She moaned in her best impression of happiness,
Rauru: Moaning is, actually, only rarely indicative of happiness.
Link: I don’t know, zombies seem pretty content, in general.
Zelda: But they’re so easy to please.
>>trying to make it seem like she loved his cum.
DED: There’s more to love than just moaning, you know. Or at least such is my fervent belief.
>>“Yeah, you fucking love it don’t you slut.
Rauru: “Why, YOU should be paying ME!”
>>Ugh, swallow it.”
Link: Forgive me if this is insensitive, but why is swallowing such a big imposition? I mean once the semen is already in your mouth, is drooling it all over the place really a more pleasant and dignified alternative?
Zelda: It’s true, if you’re gonna object to swallowing you probably weren’t on board with the whole blowjob thing in the first place.
>>He said, still not releasing his hold on her.
DED: If you love something, you must let it go.
Zelda: No no no, the whole point of whores is that you don’t HAVE to love them.
>>She gathered her willpower,
Link: ...center your chi...
>>and forced the salty fluid down her gullet with a loud gulp.
Rauru: Welp, another one bites the dust.
>>When she felt his hands leave her hair,
Zelda: And voila, your makeover is complete!
>>she pulled back, his cock spilling out of her lips with a soft pop.
DED: Hey, let’s regionalize this sumbitch: we say “soda” ‘round these parts, not “pop.”
Rauru: Gyro, hoagie, sub or grinder?
DED: Uhh, uh, sub. I think.
Rauru: “Checkers” or “Rally’s?”
DED: “Checkers.”
Rauru: Steak tartare or medallion of veal?
DED: ...What?
Rauru: Turkey tetrazzini or spinach lasagna or spaghetti bolognaise or creme fraiche?
DED: Oh I see, you’re just listing foods now. Mentioning several food items in a row must have, I dunno, set off a nonsensical Markov chain of gluttony in your brain.
Rauru: Blueberry cheesecake kimchi flautas lutefisk pudding truffle shallot eel.
DED: Yes, JUST like that!
>>A few drops of cum dribbled out of her mouth,
Link: Hey, she double-dribbled, I should go to the line for that!
>>and fell to the ground.
Zelda: As gravity, our constant friend and companion, continued its tireless work. Godspeed, gravity!
>>The man leaned against a nearby wall,
DED: I always did say Wall Street was full of panderers and whores, just like the eighth circle of Hell.
Rauru: All in all, it’s just another dick in the wall. Or more often, emerging from a hole in one.
>>catching his breath with a grin on his face.
Zelda: If I were him, I’d be pretty upset about spending 90 rupees on just THAT. I mean for that kind of price I’d be expecting anal at MINIMUM. Hell at that price she’d better have a two-dick asshole, if you know what I’m...
Rauru: SERIOUSLY, be a tiny bit more regal!
Zelda: Well stay thy corpulence forthwith, for the human condition be comprised of naught but the fairer sex and legal tender.
>>Malon stood up awkwardly,
DED: After she awkwardly gave him a blowjob. Now she’s off to awkwardly seduce another john.
>>not wanting to demand the rest of the agreed money,
Link: Oh yeah, she’s more than happy to offer a discount after how great his sub-averagely-sized cock was in her mouth.
>>but anxious for their tryst to end.
Rauru: Isn’t it incredible how life imitates art?
>>After about a minute of silence, she finally spoke. “Can I have the rest of my money now?”
Zelda: “Pay up ya worthless skeeze!”
>>Broken out of his post-orgasmic bliss,
Link: Way to ruin his day with your miserliness, Malon.
DED: Wheeeere is the rent? I musssst have the rennnnnnt!
>>he opened his eyes, a slight scowl on his lips.
Rauru: “Cripes, now I see why Mama always told me to donkey punch all hookers into unconsciousness.”
Link: Finally I understand the motto emblazoned on my ancestral coat of arms: “Keepeth ye thy pimpe hande stroynnge.”
>>For a moment, she thought that he wasn’t going to pay her.
Zelda: He wouldn’t dare, lest she give him the Black Spot on the Dick and mark him for death from the hooker assassin cabal. They are remorseless agents of hooker justice, sworn only to uphold hooker law.
>>“Fine fine. Whores need payment after all.”
DED: Otherwise they’re just run-of-the-mill sluts.
>>He pulled his pants up and redid his belt,
Zelda: “Oh THANK you, sweet merciful gentleman, that’s payment enough!”
>>digging around in the pocket. He pulled out 2 red rupees and threw them on the ground in her direction.
Link: Here’s 40 rupees dollface, cuz that’s all yer worth!
>>“There. Now go home and pay your debts
Zelda: “See, the thing is there’s also landscaping work that needs to be done and getting the place up to code cost tens of thousan—”
Rauru: “Yeah don’t spend it all in one place ya crazy kid!”
>>and tell that husband of yours that you sucked my dick and drank my cum for that money.”
Zelda: “Link, I sucked someone’s dick and drank his cum for this money.”
Link: “Oh, of COURSE I noticed your new haircut, sweetheart!”
>>With that, he turned on his heel, and walked away into the labyrinth of alleys.
DED :Weeee’ll meet again, don’t know where, don’t know wheeeeennnn...
>>She sighed and picked up the valuable jewels from the ground.
Rauru: Casting pearls before sluts.
>>Little did that man know, she wasn’t done for tonight,
DED: Well, come now, he can reasonably infer, given he knows Malon lives a good distance away and had to ride all the way here, that she didn’t come just to fuck one client.
>>and she had no intention of telling Link where the money came from.
Zelda: Oh come on, the man HAD to have known that Malon wasn’t going to follow his mean-spirited suggestion literally and tell him...But really, “little did he know” she was actually going to fucking clam up?
>>She dusted the dirt off her knees,
Rauru: C’mon Rocky, get back in the fight! I know you got it in ya!
>>wiped a finger along her lips to clear any leftover cum,
Link: Malon’s “Leftovers” restored HP!
DED: Hey, you can’t reference other video game series, you’ll make a paradox.
Link: Bitch that’s how I roll.
>>and made her way back to her spot next to the fountain.
Rauru: Well at least she serves as a sort of guardian of the fountain.
>>~~~
DED: Three squiggly penises later...
>>Malon gripped the loose stones of the wall fiercely
Zelda: “DAMMIT stones! I gave you the humping of a lifetime, now pay up!”
>>as her latest customer thrust himself deep inside her
Link: “FINISH HIM!” Then I rip out Malon’s heart. “FATALITY!”
Zelda: It would be “her.”
DED: Mortal Kombat doesn’t care.
>>roughly again and again.
Rauru: Sorta generally in a repetitive manner or thereabouts.
>>The neck of her outfit was pulled down, exposing her tits completely,
Link: Yeah her outfit really...left them hanging there dooohoohoohoo!
DED: Well it is after midnight, she’s gonna let it all hang down.
>>and her skirt was hiked up above her ass,
Zelda: Y’see generally, like, the waistband of the skirt is hiked above the ass so that the...skirt part you know...covers the ass.
DED: I think you’re misinterpreting the wording here.
>>allowing the man access to her sweet honeypot.
Link: So she’s also a part-time beekeeper. Her character is far more nuanced than I had given credit for!
>>His pants were pooled around his ankles,
Rauru: What, did she liquefy his pants with lye?
>>his shirt hanging down past his waist,
DED: DEBAUCHERY!
>>but he was too busy to care.
Zelda: That implies that he’s sometimes capable of caring about clothing himself properly, which puts him a tier ahead of Link.
>>His balls slapped against her skin
Link: She lost the dodgeball tournament, and lost it hard.
>>when he buried his cock inside her tight hole, the lewd sound echoing around the alley.
Rauru: The hillls are aliiiiive with the sound of meatslaps...
>>She shut her eyes and groaned at the forceful fucking,
Zelda: My response to this story is much the same, actually.
DED: You know, disgusted, violated, defiled. That’s pretty much this gig.
>>her nails digging into the stone.
Link: Wow, you’d think with nails that strong she could make a living as a superhero. She even has an overly-sexualized spandex costume already.
Zelda: At the very least she could probably be a great burglar.
>>Despite the number of customers she had,
DED: Sad really, she has MORE customers for the milk of her diseased cows than for her vigorously-used cooch.
>>she still wasn’t used to being used so roughly.
Rauru: Being used rather somewhat similarly in a manner essentially equivalent to a whore, but don’t quote me, it’s not set in stone.
Zelda: Yeah, I can never get used to being used so vaguely either.
>>She was pretty sure she even felt his dick
DED: Well I would imagine...
>>bump against her cervix a few times,
Zelda: Oh, the cervix, that’s...cripes I’ve got a magical artifact that bestows partial omniscience and even I can’t remember all the parts of the female reproductive system.
DED: Isn’t the cervix near the fallopian tubes?
Rauru: No I thought it was by the uterus.
Zelda: No wait, it’s above the Cowpers glands.
Link: Nuh uh, it’s by the Via Appia.
DED: That’s an ancient road, you doofus.
Link: Yeaaaaah, it’s a path well travelled all right heh heh heh...
>>practically making her eyes cross at the sensation.
Zelda: You mean she herped so hard she derped?
>>The man was muttering things under his breath,
Rauru: Something about “cache of bombs” and “something something all to kingdom come.”
>>almost too low for her to hear,
DED: Now just because he’s short doesn’t mean you have to ignore him.
>>but when her brain wasn’t trying to deal with the sensory overload,
Link: Oh yeah, the damp mildew on the walls, the smell of his sweaty asscrack, the pale ethereal beauty of the moonlight...
>>she distinctly heard “slut”, “whore”, “wet”, and “love it”.
Zelda: “Wet slut love it whore.”
Rauru: “Love it slut wet whore.”
DED: “Whore wet slut love it.”
Link: “Slut love it whore wet.”
>>She felt a sharp pain on her right ass cheek,
DED: Biting flies could be breeding in that fountain of hers.
>>and realized he had spanked her.
Zelda: She was delighted!
>>She glanced over her shoulder and saw his arm raise
Rauru: Hail, friend, and well wet!
>>and then swing down in an arc on her pale flesh again,
Link: Well, she HAS been naughty and ought to be punished.
>>making her wince in pain.
Zelda: Now, hold on, science hasn’t yet confirmed that hookers can feel pain or have a soul.
>>They hadn’t agreed on spanking during their negotiations,
DED: The spanking negotiations were carried out separately by a team of highly skilled booty lawyers.
Rauru: Did you know that butt law is one of the fastest-growing fields in the legal profession?
>>but she wasn’t exactly in a position to make him stop.
Link: Wrist control baby, wrist control.
>>She grit her teeth and dealt with the throbbing ache,
Rauru: Dealt with its source...permanently. Malon IS Action Hooker!
DED: You must admit that my “Hollywood-style garbage” would be better than this.
Zelda: Oh, by no means did I wish to praise this story when I said that.
>>even as his hand came down on her ass again.
Link: That sounds like the beginning of a great hillbilly ballad. Oooooooh, the hand came down on her ass ag’in, holes in the chicken coop them foxes gettin’ in, BANJO SOLO BREAK IT DOWN NOW!
>>She was surprised when she felt his left hand take hold of her breast and squeeze,
Zelda: Truly THIS has never happened to her before.
Rauru: Yeah that’s really the last straw that must make this REALLY unpleasant for her.
>>making her groan involuntarily.
DED: *HONK* A-ROOOO-GAH! *HONK* A-ROOOO-GAH!
>>The man redoubled his efforts,
Link: H-his power level! It’s...SKYROCKETING!
Zelda: In fact after having redoubled his efforts just moments before he had in fact requadrupled his efforts! At the rate he was going, by redoubling exponentially his efforts would be re2.34x10^24ed in minutes! NEXT TIME ON DRAGQUEEN’S BALLS Z!
DED: THAT was an inspired pun.
Zelda: I know, whew. Coming up with that one really took it outta me, I gotta take it easy for a while.
>>pounding his meat into her pussy as fast as he could,
Rauru: Pound pound pound as fast as you can, you can’t fuck me in my Gingerbread Gland!
Zelda: ...I...what?
Link: The fuck’s a Gingerbread Gland? S’that some new slang for redhead pussy? ‘Cause that’s pretty good.
Rauru: No no no, you mean you don’t have a gland that secretes delicious gingerbread, marzipan and other oozing confectionary tre—
DED: Oh dear GOD, you’re more horrible and monstrous that I had ever in my darkest imagining...
Rauru: HAH! I really had you guys going there.
DED: —PHEW!
Rauru: Yeah, a man can dream, though.
>>his grasp on her tit tightening.
Zelda: Yes, but what is he doing to win their hearts and minds?
>>She could feel his cock start to twitch and pulse, and frantically exclaimed, “Wait, no, pull out!”
Link: “Suddenly I don’t want to be a hooker any more!”
>>They had agreed upon a higher price in exchange for not using condom,
Rauru: Trust me youngsters, by not using protection you’ll always pay a high price.
>>but he promised to pull out.
DED: But usually these sex-crazed lowlifes are so trustworthy!
>>Unfortunately, it appeared he had no intention of fulfilling his end of the bargain.
Zelda: He’s just interested in filling her end.
>>He buried his cock inside her,
Link: What if, years later, he wants extradition rights to his cock so he can bury it on his native soil?
>>and exhaled contently as he flooded her insides with his seed.
Rauru: The seed market crashed as the price of seed plummeted from oversupply.
>>He thrust a few more times, then pulled himself out,
DED: See, he fulfilled the bargain! He pulled out!
Zelda: You see, she specified three dimensions where she wanted him to pull out, but she neglected the fourth dimension of time.
>>dragging globs of cum out between her lips. She continued to clutch the wall,
Link: Well hell, what’s the wall paying for all this hot clutching action? Lustful clutching from Malon is usually a steep hourly fee my friend.
>>eyes closed, and sighed with frustration.
Rauru: Being a whore can be so stressful sometimes.
Zelda: Yeah, she should find a way to unwind. Maybe with some casual sex! Y’know, like, recreationally, to get back in touch with the roots of her business.
>>As her breathing returned to normal,
DED: Well, returned to its more typical state.
Link: Quit being so normalist.
>>she turned around to face the man,
DED (upbeat game show host voice): Will our Mystery Guest please enter and apply his lube!
>>pulling the top of her shirt back over her tits
Zelda: Ah, finally, she’s able to regain her immaculately dignified appearance.
>>and flipping her skirt down.
Link: Like a lightswitch...flip skirt up, turn on the sex. Flip skirt down, the darkness of non-boinking descends.
>>“I thought you said you were going to pull out.”
Rauru: “I sez lotza tings!”
DED: “Oi ya ginger slag, I just dropped all me dosh to get me pecker wet and you’re a roight minger! Wot you let a lorry drive thru yer fookin’ coont mait?”
>>She said angrily. He smirked with a look of feigned innocence.
Link: “Don’t blame me, I pulled out of tin futures last week when the big mine got shut dow...ohohohOH, you meant it the...other way.”
>>“Whoops.”
DED: *running off* “Trust is the sickness that will end you, byyyyyyyeeeeee!”
>>He reached into his pocket and threw a handful of rupees at her,
Zelda: Employing a sex worker in Hyrule, with its weighty, sharp-cornered currency, must be GREAT. Can you imagine what the strip clubs are like, with a dozen dudes hurling pointed gems at a half-naked single mom?
Rauru: No, I don’t think I can.
Zelda: Well you’re in luck fatty, you don’t have to imagine because there are many! And the Crown owns like half of them!
Rauru: SERIOUSLY, are you a monarch or a sex kingpin?!
Zelda: Is there a rule that says I can’t be both?
>>not even looking at the amount as he walked away.
DED: Well HEY, this is just as likely to be good as bad. Maybe he tossed in some other stuff from his pockets like the fragments of a crushed breath mint or a used bus ticket.
>>She fell to her knees
Rauru: Oh Lawd, bless dis po’ sinner...
>>and collected the jewels, counting them as she picked them up,
DED: Must be hard. As a multiclass hooker/farmer, surely Intelligence is her dump stat.
>>hoping he didn’t short-change her too much.
Link: Doesn’t her need to change shorts depend on how messy he just was?
>>Luckily, it appeared to be a mere 3 rupees short of the promised price.
Zelda: She should just think of it as she’s paying him 3 rupees to leave sooner than he would if he counted carefully.
>>“Asshole.”
Rauru: “Yes, I think some more dick in my asshole will balance things out nicely.”
>>She whispered to herself as she tucked them into her wallet.
Link: “He’ll be the first to die when my glorious reckoning comes...”
>>The feeling of the warm stickiness oozing between her thighs reminded her of another errand she was now going to need to run
DED: Oh so she needs to...buy some double cream or some vanilla frosting.
Zelda: Wait, maybe she’s also here to discuss stud fees for her horses.
>>before she could return to the ranch. She looked at the sky,
Rauru: Maybe she’s getting a psychic premonition from her Terminia doppelganger, warning about aliens.
>>which was beginning to lighten, signaling the approaching
Link: ...Meteors!
>>dawn.
Link: Oh, I guess that’s simpler.
>>She didn’t have enough time to try to “entertain” another customer,
DED: Or even “have sex with” another customer.
>>so she straightened her outfit, and headed north down the alley.
Rauru: Head north 400 meters on Slut Alley, then, make a legal U-turn.
>>She stopped outside a rather sketchy looking building
Zelda: Taaaaaake oooooooon meeeeeeee...take on me! Taaaaaaaaake meeeeeee oooooooon...
>>in the corner of two intersecting streets. Not bothering to knock, she opened the door and walked in,
DED: Malon, your cunt’s in the ground...time you stop being a whore...that long black cock is comin’ down...feels like you’re not knocking on that door. Not, not, knocking on someone’s door...Oooo-oooooo-oo-oo-ooooo...
>>giving the old woman inside a sheepish grin.
Link: “Mmmeh-ehh-ehhh-eh, I mean, hi.”
>>The woman didn’t say a word, the brisk shaking of her head communicating disapproval.
Zelda: “Ugh, I HATE having customers. Always with their buying this and their paying that...”
>>But she reached underneath the counter she was standing behind, and pulled out a small glass bottle filled with blue liquid.
Rauru: The antifreeze black market is out of CONTROL!
>>Malon produced a few rupees,
DED: And executive-produced a few more.
>>and placed them on the table before picking up the bottle and taking a long drink.
Zelda: *glug* *glug* *glug* “Peh-ah, mmmm. That’s good toilet cleaner.”
>>Compared to some of the other fluids she had reluctantly ingested recently,
Link: Like semen and a little bit of shampoo that slipped into her mouth in the shower and her neighbor Julie’s awful homemade alfredo sauce.
>>it wasn’t all that bad,
Rauru: Now wait, why is that a surprise? She walked into the store and bought a blue drink and drank it, why would we have any reason not to assume she’s just drinking a cocktail or a Gatorade?
>>but the bitter aftertaste made her wince.
Zelda: Bleh, it’s probably Smirnov Ice or some other brightly-colored baby-tier shit.
Rauru: But those kind of drinks are designed to hook teenagers on booze. Surely you would approve of their methodology?
Zelda: What are you talking about?
Rauru: But you...and your constant...
Zelda: I’d never endorse turning teenagers into alcoholics!
Rauru: I’m surprised given what we’ve established about your character.
Zelda: ...Not on that pansy-ass bitch juice. Kids wanna get drunk, they hafta pay for it in pain. Nothing but neat bourbon or corn moonshine for the uppity little bastards!
>>The woman gathered the rupees, and dismissed Malon with an impatient wave of the hand.
DED: Man, I wish ALL service-industry employees were this silently efficient!
Link: You should try going there at 5 AM, like Malon is.
>>The girl gave the old woman a nod of thanks and turned to leave.
Rauru: “Wait young lady, would you like to sign up for my mailing list?”
>>After closing the door behind her, Malon took a deep breath.
Zelda: “*gasp* That wasn’t the right store! THAT WASN’T THE RIGHT STORE AT ALL! WHAT DID I JUST DRINK?!?”
>>She wasn’t proud of taking the anti-pregnancy draught,
DED: Wait, wait, wait, the woman who runs the Market Town abortion clinic was just shaking her head judgmentally at a pregnant woman coming in for an abortion?
Rauru: If anything she should be grateful for Malon coming to get the equivalent of the morning-after pill and not waiting until it would be REALLY unpleasant.
Link: Hopefully I'll never have to find out for sure, but I think late-term abortions in Hyrule involve inserting a surgical Bombchu into the...
DED: Oh my Lord, there is SO much wrong with that.
>>but the last thing she needed right now was a baby,
Zelda: I dunno, I hear those can be worth a lot to the right buyer.
>>even one fathered by Link.
DED: Especially one.
>>Even ignoring their financial woes, the thought of having to raise a child that might not belong to her husband was not something she was prepared to do.
Link: She wasn’t prepared to have a thought? Oh, I know just how she feels.
>>She felt her belly tingle, the magic potion already beginning it’s work,
DED: ALREADY BEGINNING IT IS WORK
>>and headed off back to the gate.
Rauru: Having made the world a better, stickier place.
>>Epona was asleep when Malon returned to her,
Zelda: Oh, maybe Epona is a member of the AUDIENCE!!!
>>needed a gentle prod to awaken.
Link: ….zzzzPEANUTBUTTERINMYMOUTHMAKINGMETALK! I mean hi Malon!
>>As the red-head untangled the horse’s leash from the pole, she cooed and whispered softly,
Zelda: “Shh. Shh. No tears now, only dreams.”
>>“Come on girl. Lets go home.”
Rauru: “But bo-o-o-ss, I haven’t turned enough tricks tonight! None of the stallions wanted me...”
Zelda: “It’s all right kid, pack it up and let’s hit the showers.”
>>She struggled to get atop the horse,
DED: Little did she know that on the bottle of her abortion potion was a little warning saying “May cause drowsiness. Do not operate horses or heavy machinery.”
>>needing momentum and a large jump,
Link: Not to be hyper-critical of my fanfic waifu here, but isn’t mounting horses, like, all you’re good at?
Rauru: Well she’s also good at banging guys, presumably. I mean she’s been, uh, grinding for that particular skill lately.
Link: I meant what I said in the senses of “mounting,” “horses,” and “mounting horses.” Try and get on my level.
DED: Let’s get off this topic before we make more innuendoes. And I do mean “get off.”
Zelda: ...damn you...
>>and was decidedly uncomfortable once her legs were straddling Epona’s strong back.
Link: Most people don’t exactly jump on a horse and go, “Ahh, this feels great!”
>>Her pussy was sore from her recent fuckings,
DED: I wonder if that’s how she’d put it in her memoirs.
Rauru: Hey, remember? We talked about those last time Malon was getting sloppy, pointless sex, with those creepy rape twins.
Zelda: Malon’s “Portrait of the Artist as a Young Slut.”
DED: Oh yeah! Man it’s like you guys remember the shit I wrote better than I do.
Zelda: Indeed, my master and God. To bask in your genius is our infinite delight.
DED: Huh?
Zelda: I said cram it, nerd. Nothing you’ve ever written is any good.
>>and each of the horse’s strides renewed the deep ache in her core.
Link: It was then she realized with sadness that she was, in fact, a space-shoot-'em-up boss.
>>She grit her teeth and closed her eyes,
Rauru: Keep your eyes on the road, your hands upon the bridle!
DED: She DOES dance for the people who like to go down slow.
Zelda: Are you referencing “Roadhouse Blues?”
DED: Yes.
Zelda: That’s uncanny; I woke up this morning and I got myself a beer.
>>leaning forward to try to take some pressure off her center,
Link: ...but she can’t and her center’s checked into the boards by the left wing!
>>and urged Epona to hurry back to the ranch.
Rauru: As if Malon would have to CONVINCE her to leave that dump.
>>As the pair neared the halfway point, she noticed a
DED: Flag sticking out of the ground, signifying a continue point.
>>light to the east,
Zelda: Bethlehem?
>>signaling the sunrise approaching.
DED: Now according to the Monster Manual, the touch of daylight will send a “lady of the night” such as herself into a gaseous form, after which she will have one hour to return to the safety of her coffin, else be destroyed forever.
>>She clicked her heels into her mare,
Rauru: “Not ta criticize yer methodology ma’am nor bring m’self more pain, but maybe it’d work better if you had spur-r-r-rs.”
>>no longer caring about the pain a gallop would cause her.
Zelda: Ignoring groin pain, THAT’S the hooker spirit!
>>Epona sped up at her rider’s command,
Link: Brake for the corner, dab the throttle, kick out the back hooves, powerslide, power on down the straight, shifting into third...
DED: Third what?
Link: Third carrot. On the carrot-o-meter. Look I've won horse races, bro, do you even whip?
>>trampling the grass underfoot. Malon had to take one of her hands off the reigns
Zelda: Is she gonna drive with one hand and rock back and forth all gangsta?
>>and bit her knuckle to avoid crying
Rauru: A skill she’s cultivated over many years, I’m sure.
>>from the sharp, throbbing pain echoing in her loins,
DED: This could be, uh, bad. Is it a stabbing kind of ruptured organ pain or more of a constant, raw, detetched-ligament ache?
>>but she didn’t dare slow down.
Link: In the shuffling madness of locomotive breath, there’s no way to slow down.
>>She almost wept as Epona led them through the entrance to the ranch,
Zelda: ...I’m guessing not at the sheer beauty of the breaking dawn.
>>and she slowly eased herself down with shaking limbs.
Rauru: When whoring's got you down, it's time to BOOGIE down!
>>Moving as quickly as she could without causing a racket, she ran up the stairs
DED: ...Then tripped, fell back down the stairs, into a pile of pots and pans, which set off the burglar alarm, the blaring of which made all the horses and cows go berserk...
>>and headed into the spare bedroom.
Zelda: Spare for what, in case the first burns down?
Link: But what if I need sleeping accommodations for visiting friends who are staying the n...
Zelda: Heh heh heh right, Link and Malon having friends...
>>She started removing her outfit
DED: "Ahh, finally, stripping in the comfort of my own home..."
>>before she even reached the closet, and throw the chest open, tossing the shirt and skirt inside hastily.
Rauru: You know, she should just wear the sexy outfit all the time. To acclimate him to it, so the secrecy isn’t even necessary.
Link: Hey yeah, not like it’d kill ya to look sexy for the people who ARE married to you...
>>She grabbed her nightgown and pulled it on over her head,
DED: And, blinded, she tripped over the chest, falling heavily to the floor, which caused a nearby shelf, containing dozens of china plates, to fail noisily and fall the floor, the plates shattering deafeningly in a cacophony of...
>>already moving back towards the master bedroom.
Zelda: As the security footage shows here.
>>As she peeked through the door, she was relieved to see Link sound asleep,
Rauru: Well thank goodness he remains blissfully unaware of your secretive duplicitous adulterous criminal activities, I hope the three hundred bucks you made were worth the stain on your soul.
Link: Yeah the money she made tonight will probably cover like half the day’s interest on the loans we already have.
Zelda: It’s like I keep telling her, she has to start whoring full-time to make the whole thing worthwhile.
>>mouth hanging open and drool forming at the side of his mouth.
DED: Good, the drugs were still keeping him under. It’s a good thing he’ll drink anything if you call it a “protein shake.”
Link: But I gotta bulk my lean mass!
>>She carefully lifted the blanket, and slid her body onto the mattress before lowering it again.
Zelda: “Now all I have to do is force my brain to remember this as me falling asleep after LINK thoroughly abused my genitals!”
>>She closed her eyes, with a smile of relief, and wondered if maybe she would be allowed a bit of rest before Link woke up.
Rauru: What, you mean whoring wasn’t restful? You’re just lying there...
>>Unfortunately her question was answered by his hand
Link: “Talk to the hand, bitch!”
>>sneaking across her belly a few minutes later, and gently taking hold of her breast.
Zelda: Naaaah, that’s just Link molesting whatever’s nearby while he sleeps.
>>His other hand began caressing her hip, creeping down to her thigh, his romantic intentions clear.
DED: His tragic intentions were far more complex, and far more nuanced and bittersweet in fact.
Zelda: That’s true. This story is a poignant portrait of poverty and desperation, isolation, loneliness and frustration, and in my opinion the masterpiece of our era.
>>Under different circumstances, Malon would be elated, excited, wet and willing for such an idea.
Rauru: Saaaaaaaaaay in a different time, and place, with a different man.
>>But the lack of sleep and the ache in her loins
DED: Her loins were sleep-deprived?
>>made her want no part of it.
Link: “Join me Malon, in marital coitus, and together we’ll rule the ranch as husband and wife!”
Zelda: “Never!”
>>She rolled a little further away from him, his hands leaving her skin and whispered: “Not now sweetie” as gently as she could.
Rauru: “You see our life together is a hollow sham full of deception and guilt.”
Link: Yeah, she’s out doing this, imagine the horrible things I must be doing behind her back to balance it all out.
>>Link didn’t offer a verbal response,
Zelda: Yeah, sometimes he just...
Link: Grawharh! Urrh!
Zelda (grabbing Link’s ear): You gotta...jiggle it a little...
Link: Bwuroar! Huraahhghhand that’s why I think airplanes are held aloft by friendly, invisible giants and not some silly “Bernoulli principle.”
Zelda: THAT’S got it.
>>but the silence of rejection spoke more than words could anyway.
Rauru: Thaaaaaat’s not the worst abuse she’s endured today.
>>Her heart broke,
DED: Damn cheap Korean plastic hearts...
>>and she considered letting him have a go anyway,
Link: Oh sure how generous of her to offer her vigorously-tenderized meat hole.
Rauru: But tenderized meat is the most delicious!
>>but she quickly realized she wouldn’t give up this nap for anything.
Zelda: Not even enough rupees to pay their debts?
>>Except maybe enough rupees to pay their debts.
Zelda: Damn, I’m really off my game.
DED: Seriously, how can money be a problem? There’s a guy in the very town you just left who will pay you cold, hard cash for fucking bugs.
>>If only Link knew what she was doing for him. For them both.
Link: Oh what HORSESHIT Malon, you conniving WHORE. You just went to GREAT lengths to deceive me and prevent me from waking up, and then you think to yourself “Oh if only he knew.”
>>It was that thought that let her drift off into a deep sleep.
Rauru: This is the WORST part of marital infidelity.
Zelda: So in conclusion, Malon is a terrible small business owner and she should hire me as a consultant.
DED: You’d do that for her? I recall only your murderous rage. Like, real “burning cinder fury of crimson chaos fire super double-angermad” kind of rage.
Zelda: I used to hate her until I realized that the honor of being hated by me was more than she deserved. Now I just feel a vague sense of pity and disgust tempered by my own haughty detachment.
Link: That’s the spirit honeykitten! Turn that frown...upside-down!
