In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space
We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:
Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “Now with ray tracing!”
Rauru! “He won’t stop ‘til he gets his man (or your luuuuuuuuunnnnch!)”
Zelda! “Excrementum est ad ledo aura factorem!”
Link! “Controversial opinion: My foot is itchy!”
If you don’t get how he stays alive
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!
“Better” by Thirst4Chicken
>>This is better,
DED: I bet it won't be, and even if it is, it’s hardly saying much compared to the rest of ‘em, and in the end, one might argue that Zelda fanfiction porn of any quality is of dubious merit at best.
Rauru: Wouldn’t that make what we're doing of even more dubious merit?
DED: Oh, God yes, absoLUTEly.
>>Princess Zelda thought
Zelda: Almost. My full and unabridged thoughts on the matter are, “This is bullshit, there had better be an apology letter with a fruit basket in the mail.”
Link: Do you really expect a fruit basket from every single horndog who pornographizes your likeness? You would drown in rotting fruit within days.
Zelda: Well I'd appreciate some gesture of appreciation!
DED: Also, Zelda already drowns herself in rotten fruits and other fermented starches, all day, every day. Rotten grapes, rotten agave, rotten rye and corn and barley—
Zelda: Shaddap.
>>as she lovingly ran her tongue up and down Link's shaft,
Link: Hey! That there's MY silver mine, ya claim-jumpin’ varmint!
>>taking pleasure in each and every gasp and groan her soft touches elicited.
Rauru: Whoa hey wait, they're like, actually fucking, immediately? Has this EVER happened before?
>>They were in her bedroom
Link: What a novel idea!
>>– or what used to be her bedroom
DED: Now it’s more a reading-room-slash-bondage-dungeon.
Zelda: Gradually the bondage gear fills up the room to the point where you gotta ditch the bed itself, and then you can't really call it a “bedroom” anymore.
Rauru: So what do you call it?
Zelda: The Kinkodrome.
Link: *SIGH*
>>before the Calamity struck, tearing a tremendous hole in the wall and destroying almost every possession she owned it.
Zelda: “The Calamity,” my shorthand term for “the day Link moved in.”
Rauru: The Calamity destroyed almost every possession of hers, but for some reason spared her collection of antique hat pins. Truly Ganon is a force of incomprehensible chaos.
>>A hundred years of being open to the elements had mostly ruined the room,
DED: You don’t say.
>>but it was still special to Zelda, still her bedroom, and so she was fond of it.
Rauru: Even though it was now full of soil and lichen and the shit of a hundred generations of birds.
>>With Link's help, she had managed to at least tidy up most of her bedchambers
Zelda: I assume by “Link's help” they mean I sent Link off on some trivial errand to the other side of the planet for a few days.
>>by the time the sun set on the second day after Ganon's defeat,
Link: Oh, ok, so I go and defeat Ganon, the legendary avatar of all disaster and evil. And then immediately, IMMEDIATELY, I got this bitch on my jock nagging me to do manual labor to clean up her fucking PALACE for her. How's THAT for gratitude?
DED: But she's giving you a blowjob now!
Link: A mere blowjob is hardly fair payment for two days of home repairs! And even less fair payment for killing Ganon!
Zelda: I could repay you with no blowjobs.
Link: Like hell! I demand you promise to pay me for all my heroics in the form of minor sexual favors, forever!
Zelda: Deal.
Link: Yes! Link you sly devil, you’re a MASTER negotiator! ...WAIT, SHIT! I forgot what money was for, again!
>>making it at least appear cozier and a little more like its old self.
Rauru: Can’t help but feel like they should have actually fixed the gaping hole in the wall instead of spending all their effort on the appearance of coziness, but hey, I'm not the one who has to sleep there every night.
>>More to the point,
DED: Hey, whoa, that's asking a lot of the reader, expecting them to believe there’s a point to this.
>>it had a functioning bed, and that was what Zelda needed right now.
Zelda: “GOSH, all those castle repairs suuuuuuuuuuuuure left me sleepy!”
Link: “So, uh, how ‘bout a little sugar in exchange for all my hard work, babe?”
Zelda: “YEP, REEEEEEEEEEALLY REALLY TIRED, HONK-PSHOO HONK-PSHOO LOOK HOW ASLEEP I AM NOW”
>>Both Link and Zelda were entirely naked,
Rauru: I mean, depending on whether you consider a feeldoe something the woman “wears.”
Zelda: Now if you were talking about an actual strap-on, then the straps mean it's a wearable, you wouldn't be entirely nude. But a feeldoe? That you just insert, and keep clenched in there? Debatable.
DED: If you've got a toothpick clenched between your teeth, are you really “wearing” that toothpick?
Zelda: That might not really be a perfect analogy, though. This needs testing. Hey, Link! Want to help solve a semiotic conundrum?
Link: JUST STOP
>>with Link lying on his back on the fresh bedding
DED: Remember to change the bedding every few days and clear away the droppings. Use fresh, dry hickory shavings, or another organic non-clumping bedding material.
Link: That does sound nice.
>>and groaning as Zelda kneeled in between his legs and pleasured him with her mouth.
Rauru: By reciting some amusing limericks that raised his spirits and brought him pleasure.
>>She had started off slow, as she always did,
Zelda: In fact, this blowjob is actually the continuation of a previous blowjob I've been working on here and there for the last few days. No need to rush. Slow and steady blows the load.
>>wanting to savor every moment of their time together after an entire century of loneliness,
Link: It wasn't so bad, I was basically in stasis. I hardly noticed any time had passed.
Zelda: Not you, you jackanape!
Link: Then who had the century of loneliness? The Chicago Cubs?
Zelda: NNNNNGHHHNNN
>>stroking his length up and down and using only her tongue to lick at him without fully taking him into her mouth.
Rauru: So not even an adequate blowjob, for all that work. Cripes.
Zelda: Don’t ENCOURAGE him!
Link: NO! Too late. I’m mad now, ‘cuz I remembered how money can be exchanged for goods and services. Zelda, I further demand a salary of at least 10 Rupees for every bullshit mystical artifact I have to collect in the course of my world-saving adventures, and a flat 50 for every final boss vanquished.
Zelda: Uh, so, what, like two hundo per game at most? Sure, I pull that much in dividends alone in the span of a single morning’s fart. Also, you probably will have forgotten by the time it ever comes up.
Link: By the time what comes up? Whatever we were talking about was boring, I’m bored!
>>Link closed his eyes and let his head fall backwards onto Zelda's pillow
DED: So this entire blowjob up ‘til now his head hasn’t touched the pillow? Just bent at the waist?
Link: It’s real good for my abs.
>>as she gave him his latest reward for rescuing her and the entire kingdom of Hyrule,
Rauru: See? There were other rewards, apparently!
Zelda: Yeah! I mean let’s not forget, I rewarded him by letting him help remodel my castle, that’s a HUGE sacrifice on my part.
>>reaching down to place a hand in her golden hair and urge her on.
DED: Reaching aaaaaalllll the way past her head, across her back, over her ass, ‘round her taint, clear to her pubes.
>>Giggling lightly,
Rauru: And gagging significantly...
>>the princess finally gave in and, opening her mouth,
Link: Announced, “Yes, I was wrong and Link is right: I’m going to convert the west wing of the palace into a sweet paintball arena at once.”
Zelda: Keep dreaming, buster.
>>wrapped her lips around the head of Link's cock.
DED: The stereotypes hold true, and only girls and gay men are good at wrapping things. Blowjobs and Christmases, you can’t ignore it.
>>Soon
Rauru: Y’know, within a few business days.
>>she was bobbing up and down, up and down,
Link: ...Up and down?
DED: Up and down!
Rauru: ...and when she was only halfway up she was neither up nor down!
>>sucking Link's dick with all the love and passion she could muster,
Zelda: ...‘bout tree-fiddy.
>>desperate to feel him fill her in every possible way.
DED: Hold on there missy, you have to mate, then kill, THEN eat.
>>Link groaned loudly as he felt Zelda take him in her mouth again and again, covering his member in her saliva and licking him up and down.
Link: Takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’!
Rauru: Shouldn’t you see a doctor about your ticking penis?
Link: Meh, I’ve had worse.
>>She was an artist with her mouth,
DED: I mean, she tended to stick with the blowjob genre, so she didn’t have much artistic range, but hey, you gotta respect the refinement of the craft.
>>and Link loved being the canvas on which she performed her art.
Zelda: So like, imagine a painter, with her brush, about to touch the canvas, and then the canvas runs away while knocking over furniture and hooting and whining about some trivial thing.
>>It hadn't always been like this.
Rauru: GOD I wish that were true...
>>Despite popular belief, the princess had not been unconscious or in some enchanted trance during her century of captivity in Hyrule Castle,
Link: Rather, when the whole Ganon fuckfest went down, she flew off to Acapulco for a century and didn’t return any phone calls.
>>but had been awake and conscious throughout it all.
Zelda: I guess it’s only fair, since like a dozen other characters in BotW were also just chillaxing, alive and conscious, for 100 years.
DED: Yeah! BotW sets up this premise of “you’ve been displaced by 100 years and the world you knew and loved is gone forever, now what?” But then everyone and their cousin is like, “Oh hey it’s Link, yeah, I’m 100 years old and I remember you from back when the world didn’t suck!” It kind of undermined the pathos.
Link: I’m pretty sure the primary appeal of BotW was patting horses and cooking shit and dressing me like a fuckboy.
>>With most of her powers and concentration focused on keeping Ganon confined to the boundaries of the castle,
Rauru: And the rest focused on the vital task of watching makeup tutorials on YouTube...
>>Zelda had thus been forced to endure a seemingly endless series of trials and tribulations thrown at her by Ganon
Link: Oh yeah, those, you just have to hit them with your sword and bat them back at him. Sometimes he volleys it back and you gotta do it a few times but he’ll screw up eventually. You can use an empty bottle, too, I never really figured out why...
>>in hopes of breaking her concentration and freeing itself from her confinement.
DED: Sounds like she isn’t really doing a great job at this whole “confinement” thing in the first place.
>>It hadn't worked, clearly, as evidenced by the fact Ganon never broke free and was now utterly destroyed,
Link: Hey whoa, show your work there, I don’t follow at all.
>>but it had come close far too many times for Zelda's taste.
Zelda: My taste in catastrophe is pretty minimalistic, actually. You know, less is more when it comes to apocalypses. Like, way less, even none at all, that would be good.
>>And most of those times had involved not Ganon itself,
DED: Then what the hell did you even bring it up for?!
>>nor its many attempts to tear apart her mind and spirit, but rather the monsters it brought with it.
Rauru: So it’s attacking you constantly and still spawning monsters...could you explain how it’s “contained,” again?
>>As much as Zelda loved sucking Link's dick in the present,
Zelda: Okay, four-fiddy. That’s as high as I go.
Link: Aw c’mon, the present is lame, surely she’d love even more the BLOWJOBS OF THE FUTURE! (FUTURE!) (future!)
>>she had most certainly not enjoyed being forced to do the same to a dozen Bokoblins as they crowded around her,
DED: But she can’t do the same to them, because what she’s doing to Link is sucking his dick “in the present,” and she can’t suck a dozen Bokoblin dicks in the present, that was in the past.
>>their disproportionately large cocks swinging back and forth and smacking her in the face.
Zelda: Yeah, hey, and that’s not “the same” as what I’m doing to Link in the present! And if it ever IS, there won’t be anything left of him to bury!
Link: I—
Zelda: EXCISED FROM SPACETIME COMPLETELY, YOUR VERY MEMORY OBLITERATED FROM THE UNIVERSE THE INSTANT YOU DARE COCK-SLAP ME!
Link: CRIPES, calm down! Why would I do that when you could just be sucking?
>>Her clothes would be ripped off,
Rauru: And then I guess...replaced later, since this apparently happened over and over again?
DED: The monster equivalent of “be kind, rewind.”
>>the creatures' cocks would grow hard,
Zelda: What kind of twisted perverts do these Bokoblins have to be to get hard looking at a human woman? Ganon must recruit the monsters that are shunned as deviants even among their own horrid kind: the Bokoblin equivalent of furries.
DED: Ugh. Fuck in hell, skinfags.
>>and soon enough the princess was being forced to suck dick after dick after dick.
Rauru: Dick after dick, I’m more con-fuu-uu-uu-uuuused...yet I look for the light through the pourin’ rai-aiiiiin...
>>The first one was always the worst, the roughest of the bunch,
Zelda: Oh, hey, so, at least it only gets easier. Thanks, Ganon!
>>grabbing the young woman by her head and then forcing its cock right into her mouth
DED: Well, if it wants to go by “it,” I’ll respect its pronoun choice.
>>as deep as it would go, inevitably causing the princess to cry out in disgust.
Link: Yeah, but that's not so unique, pretty much everything makes her do that.
Zelda: NOT...EVERYTHING!
Link: See? Every time I open my mouth or do anything, cries of protestration! It’s just meaningless noise to me now.
Zelda: NYAAAAAAAAGGH!!
>>Then the Bokoblin would simply start fucking her mouth as though it had laid claim to it,
Rauru: Actually, Bokoblin property laws are remarkably sophisticated.
>>pushing and pulling its member in and out of Zelda's mouth and using her as little more than a being of sex
Zelda: Whoa whoa, “little more than?” I am a being of pure sex, I'm incandescently sexy and don’t nobody forget it.
>>with which to relieve itself.
DED: WHOA UGH that was NOT part of the job description of a being of sex.
>>Its
Link: ...Monty Python's Flying Circussssssssss!
>>cock would press against the back of the princess's throat, causing her to gag,
Rauru: At the sheer banality of yet another blowjob scene.
DED: Why don’t these stories ever start off with knee-pit fucking? Or some other kind of non-penetrative sex, for a change?
>>but that never stopped it,
Zelda: I guess I was expecting to gag once, crush the Bokoblin dick into powder, and blast the Bokoblin away from me from the sheer force of my involuntarily-contracting throat muscles.
>>and soon Zelda would be deepthroating the goblin's entire girth.
Link: That's wide-throating, girth is the dimension of width.
DED: That's...he's an idiot, but he's RIGHT.
>>She would be expected to jack off the surrounding Bokoblins
Zelda: “Expected,” by who? Themselves? Ganon? How do they enforce that expectation? Violence? Ganon can send monsters to rape me to try and break my concentration, apparently, but presumably they can't just attack and hurt and kill me, or he'd just do that, right? How does any of this work?!
>>as the one in her mouth fucked her face,
Rauru: Well, specifically, the mouth part of her face.
>>using her hands to stroke the creatures' slimy cocks back and forth,
DED: The one in her mouth used his hands to use her hands to stroke cocks?
>>harder and harder, causing them to growl in animalistic pleasure.
Link: You and these Bokoblins ain't, presumably, nothin’ but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.
Zelda: I'm mammalian. Bokoblins, ehn, probably?
>>No matter how hard she tried, though, she could never get them to cum with just her hands;
Rauru: ...That's bad! Or...good...? Does she want them to? I'm not sure where we're at, here.
>>they always managed to hold out at least long enough to shove their cock in her mouth.
DED: Their one communal cock that they carry around on a palanquin and share between their tribesmen.
>>But that was then; this was now,
Zelda: ...Yes, it was a simpler time...so predictable and uncomplicated...
>>and right now Zelda was moaning softly as she used her mouth to make sweet love to Link's dick,
Rauru: But only lukewarm, mushy, flavorless love to Link himself.
>>taking him deeper and deeper into her mouth until she was practically gagging on his cock.
Link: I guess that’s preferable to having her impractically gagging on my cock...
>>Above her, Link did not press her down or force his dick into her mouth or do anything of the sort;
DED: He was busy using his hands to gesticulate while telling a rambling anecdote about—
Link: —nerite snails, they have this cool tiger stripe shell, and they scootch around scraping their little teeth on stuff with these little tiny noms, and they keep my fish tank clean of algae! Now when—
>>he simply laid back and gently moved his cock back and forth with Zelda's movements, thrusting lightly,
Rauru: ...and snoring, because he's asleep.
>>a single hand on the back of her head to urge her on and keep her from stopping,
Zelda: Um, sorry, but that DOES sound like “anything of the sort.” In fact it sounds remarkably like the sort.
>>and for which Zelda was infinitely grateful.
DED: Is it a countable or uncountable infinity?
>>The young warrior groaned regularly
Link: He was active in his local groaning community, and helped mentor young groaners looking to join the scene.
>>as he felt the princess's wonderful mouth work wonders on his dick,
Zelda: I mock, but at least this story pays me appropriate homage.
>>sucking him harder and harder and taking him deeper into her mouth with every bob of her head.
Rauru: Well now, I mean, her blowjob output is at least theoretically bound to some finite maximum, right?
>>He looked down to find Zelda smiling softly around his cock,
Link: Quit lollygagging around my cock, get on it!
>>her eyes closed as she moaned and hummed in pleasure,
Zelda (loudly mouthing the notes of the Indiana Jones theme): Bah ba-daat daaaaa, bahp badaaaaaa, bah ba-daat DAAAAAAAH, bahp ba-daaa-daaaaa-DAAAAAT!
Rauru: ...
Zelda: ...What? It's an inspiring song! Keeps me motivated through the blowjob!
>>evidently having just as much fun sucking Link's dick as he was having his dick sucked.
DED: ...Is sex even supposed to be “fun?” Gratifying, tender, kinky, hot, yes, but...fun? Do people really think “I want to get my dick wet because that'd be fun?” People don’t fuck “for fun,” they fuck “for horny.”
Zelda: Fun is a buzzword.
Rauru: ...aren't “For Fun” and “For Horny” the two Smash Bros. online game modes?
>>Zelda's beautiful breasts swung back and forth gently
Link: What? No WAY would they be free to do that! They're beautiful breasts, and as we all know, beauty is in the eye of the breast-holder.
>>as she bobbed her head up and down,
Zelda: Please, this is the Princess you're talking about here, have some formality: I Robert my head up and down.
>>and soon Link was reaching down with his one free hand
DED: He could free his other hand, just by not leaving it resting on Zelda's head. Ironically, his hand isn't free because it’s busy oppressing another...
Rauru: Meh, it’s about time Zelda was on the receiving end of some heavy-handed oppression for a change.
Zelda: Um, this is a story about me getting a century of rape, but pop off, fam.
Rauru: Oh, right.
>>to gently fondle them.
Link: YES! Phew! Correcting a terrible mistake.
>>The princess opened her eyes
Zelda: “Ugh, I was having another blowjob dream. I never thought the scars would be easy to heal, but these nightmare flashbacks are getting to be too much. I just hope I wasn't unconsciously giving somebody a real...GAAAAAHH!”
>>and smiled up at Link as she leaned her breasts into his touch, still not removing his cock from her mouth or slowing her bobbing even a little.
DED: Oh, perish the thought.
Rauru: Yes, all of these thoughts, and the thoughts to come. Let's kill them off as quickly as possible.
>>Link thus had open invitation to grope and squeeze the princess's tantalizing tits,
Link: Yea, verily, by the ancient laws of the realm!
Zelda: No jury could fail to be convinced!
>>rolling them beneath his fingers
DED: It’s an ergonomic trackboob mouse.
>>and lightly brushing against her hardened nipples.
Zelda: Did I SAY you could paint my nipples? Did I?
Link: You didn't say I couldn't.
>>They went on like that for some time,
Rauru: You're telling ME.
>>with Zelda lovingly bobbing her head up and down
DED: If she were actually hatefully bobbing her head up and down, do you think anyone could tell the difference?
>>and sucking Link's dick as he gently thrust into her mouth and groped her beautifully bouncing breasts.
Zelda: No, stop groping them, you're ruining the beautiful bouncing!
Link: Augh! Such fragile delight! Such cruel circumstance! O gods of beauty, why doth thou burn this candle at both ends?!
>>The two were in perfect synchronicity,
Rauru: Drift compatibility achieved!
>>taking joy
DED: And never giving it back.
>>simply in the taste and feel of each other's bodies, savoring their nakedness
Zelda: Nudity isn’t that rare and memorable an experience, if I’m honest.
>>and giving the entirety of themselves to the other.
Link: Leaving neither of us with anything.
>>The Bokoblins and Lizalfos hadn't been nearly as gentle.
Rauru: No...?
>>When they weren't shoving their cocks in Zelda's mouth, they were often molesting her breasts,
Zelda: Ah, yes, entirely distinct from what Link is doing. Yup.
>>groping and squeezing them far too hard,
DED: By whose standards?
>>their clawed nails digging into the princess's soft flesh.
Link: Why would their nails ALSO have claws...?
>>They sucked on her nipples like a thirst calf at their mother's utter,
Rauru: You know when there’s like one typo or mistake, and it’s obvious but forgivable, and then there’s another so quickly thereafter that you’re like “okay how even in the fuck” and you just choke and you aren’t sure it’s from laughter or just being choked by stupidity?
>>often biting her breasts and sucking horrendously hard, as though seeking to draw milk
Link: They suck at drawing. They don’t have a pen, they aren’t even using their hands...
>>from her. More than once,
DED: But less than a billion trillion times, probably.
>>Zelda had feared they were about to bite her breasts off entirely, a cruel meal for a cruel race.
Zelda: Well it’s a cruel thing to do to me, but I don’t see how it’s a “cruel meal.” I think my breasts would be succulent and tasty—a delicacy, not cruelty.
Rauru: Now, hol’ up, even I’m not that excited to eat what basically amounts to a skin sack full of warm lard.
DED: Now you aren’t saying you wouldn’t eat a human breast. Just that you’d prefer to eat something else.
Rauru: I’m just saying if you want to eat a sack of warm lard you should just DO that.
>>The monsters fucked her tits, too, on a regular basis,
Link: Brutal and primitive, but surprisingly punctual...
>>placing their slimy cocks between the young woman's magnificent breasts
Zelda: Step right up and see Breasto the Magnificent! Titty titillation and chest-tidigitation! Watch me make this boner...DISAPPEAR!
DED: ...
Zelda: I mean, like, disappear into my cleavage as I tit-fuck. Not that my breasts make men lose their erections.
DED: ...
Zelda: NO! I’M NOT OWNED!
DED: I didn't even say anything!
Zelda: I see your ellipses! JUDGING ME!
>>and then squeezing them together to create a passage through which they could better pleasure themselves.
Rauru: Well, the true passage to better pleasure is a long, hard road through the belly of the beast to face your inner demons and emerge a better, more mature person.
Link: Or, you can just put off your personal Hero’s Journey indefinitely and live a life of heedless, introspection-free merrymaking. Right?
Rauru (carving strips off a block of shawarma directly into his mouth): Abthsoloothly.
Link: Righteous. Let’s go and shoot bomb arrows into the sky for fun and see where they land.
Zelda: NOT SO FAST.
>>Zelda would groan and cry out in pain as they squeezed her breasts together
DED: And when she stubbed her toe on the bedpost.
Rauru: Among many reasons.
Link: Booooomb arrows in flight, afternoon delight...
Zelda: NOOOOO
>>and fucked them both,
DED: ...He fucked both Zelda and himself?
>>but it never stopped them,
Rauru: Fucking her breasts...never stopped them...from...fucking her breasts?
>>and it was never long before they came all over the princess's face.
Zelda: C’mon, c’mon, turnover, let’s go, pick up yer feet, got seats to fill!
>>Her breasts, tender and raw, would be released only momentarily, before the next Bokoblin of Lizalfos came along, and then the process would begin all over again.
DED: And that’s how Mafia works.
>>Link was in heaven
Rauru: ...You told me he’d gone away to a farm in the countryside with all the other game protagonists where he would be happy!
>>as Zelda kneeled between his legs and licked his cock up and down,
Zelda: ...already doing complex geopolitical calculations to plot exactly how to consolidate her iron grip over Hyrule and its various wretched species, all floundering in profoundest ignorance and in desperate need of her firm steady hand.
Link: ARE you always doing complex mental gymnastics when I try to make tender love to you?
Zelda: Dude I can think like three thoughts at once. I have Wisdom spilling out of every orifice. I’ve got at least one compartmentalized sub-brain doing governance pondering at all times!
Link: That makes it all feel a little...impersonal.
Zelda: It’s my JOB! I can’t just stop being the princess.
DED: And yet by day the roads are filled with monstrous one-eyed crabs and huge flying bladed helicopter plants, and by night the endless hordes of skeletons emerge.
Zelda: Dude, fuckin’, can you imagine how much WORSE it would be if I didn’t have divine transhuman superintelligence? Look, Link: 100% of my mental energy is focused on you when we are intimate, it’s just that the remaining 275% of my mental energy goes elsewhere.
Link: Whatever, bored now, where’s my quiver?
Zelda: HA! My Link-thwarting coprocessor module hid it from you hours ago.
>>bobbing her head and taking his length deeper and deeper until she was expertly deepthroating him
Rauru: On balance, if Link found out that she’s so good at sucking cock because she sucked monster cocks for 100 years, should he feel mad? Sad? Totally indifferent?
Zelda: He should be impressed!
>>and fitting the entirety of his cock in her mouth. Somehow, someway, the princess knew exactly how to pleasure him,
Link: Hmm, maybe there are some upsides to Zelda having godlike Wisdom...
DED: Whoa whoa wait, was that “exactly” in the PAST?
>>how to elicit the most ecstasy as possible out of her own mouth,
Link: Is it really her mouth that’s supposed to be feeling the ecstasy? ...AHEM?
>>and Link was increasingly thankful for that fact.
Rauru: Wow, he rarely allows facts to impinge on his world.
>>After a century of sleep and months' worth of hard work without any reward,
Link: ...Time to go back to sleep for a century!
>>finally having the chance to enjoy the simple pleasure of sex
Zelda: With Link involved though...NOTHING is ever so simple.
>>with a beautiful maiden was nothing short of divine.
DED: You got a weird theology, especially since in Hyrule divine entities are manifestly real, but hey, we’ve established the Goddesses are kinksters who created the world for sexy purposes because they like to watch.
Zelda: I’m pretty sure on top of everything else I’m also the world’s highest religious authority, and I can’t see anything wrong with that dogma.
>>As such, it wasn't long before Link started to instinctively thrust harder and harder into Zelda's mouth,
Rauru: It’s just what he does.
>>not painfully or even uncomfortably so,
Zelda: You BETTER fuckin’—
>>but enough to tell the young woman that he was growing close to the end.
DED: My only friend, the end! Of our elaborate plans, the end! Of everything that stands, the end!
Zelda: TELL me about it.
>>In response, the princess did her best to time her sucks and the bobbing of her head with Link's thrusts,
Link: CUT! Cut! Terrible! Half a step out of beat, sugar tits! Cripes, everybody take five. The fuck’s my macchiato? Opening night is in THREE WEEKS, people!
>>allowing him to push and pull his cock out of her mouth.
Rauru: Because before she...wasn't...?
DED: How can he both push and pull but have his cock go “out” regardless of which he does?
>>She moaned softly as she rolled her tongue around Link's thrusting cock, urging him on,
Zelda: “Cwuhmawh yah libbuhl bifth, you caw diss a faefh-fuhhing? Thhuhst haahdah!”
>>daring him to plunge inside her and finally achieve sweet release.
Link: ...dare I?
>>A moment later, that's exactly what happened.
DED: That was at least an attempt at foreshadowing, but you should probably postpone the payoff by at least one sentence...
>>As Link groaned loudly above her,
Rauru: ...He floated into the sky and was never seen again.
>>Zelda felt his cock spasm in pleasure and begin to empty itself into her mouth, filling her with his cum.
DED: And does that make it all worth it? Does it really?
>>The princess moaned in delight as she drank of Link's juices,
Link: ...Wh-why is more than one type of juice coming out of me...?
>>swallowing every load he shot into her mouth and savoring the taste and texture of his love.
Zelda: Huh, odd, his love happens to have the EXACT taste and texture of human semen.
>>It wasn't exactly the nectar of the gods,
Rauru: Or even Paul Newman Sockarooni Sauce.
>>but Zelda swore it was close.
DED: Wow, the actual nectar of the gods is pretty underwhelming I guess.
>>By the time the first Bokoblin came in her mouth,
Zelda: ...we were already late for tap class!
>>forcing her to swallow load after load of its cum,
Rauru: Isn’t “a load” the entirety of the ejaculation? Like you blow “a” load, not load AFTER load.
Link: For that matter, you don’t bust “a” nut, they’re BOTH involved.
DED: See now we’re deep into jizz semiotics and nobody wants that. It wasn’t even my doing!
>>Zelda's jaw would be sore and there would be tears in her eyes.
Zelda: Just like after a long hard day of yelling at Link...
Link: Hey come on, you spend your whole day yelling dictates at all your courtiers, not just me.
Zelda: Yeah, repetitive dictate injury is an occupational hazard of the job of dictator! Have a little sympathy and maybe do fewer yell-worthy idiocies!
Link: ...Hey, wait, I just realized that if I don’t have my quiver, I can’t shoot bomb arrows, but I still have bombs!
Zelda: That’s what YOU think.
>>Then the next Bokoblin would take the place of the first,
Rauru: I wonder if they organize a daily lottery or something for this.
DED: Yeah, they did this 36,500 days in a row so they must have eventually worked out some kind of sequencing process. Maybe Bokoblin society evolved an elaborate system of social credit based on raping the immortal princess?
Zelda: ...
DED: ...Fascinating.
>>likewise thrusting its monstrous dick into her mouth as she was forced to lick and suck, lick and suck,
Link: Likk-n’-Sukk.
Zelda: Hmm, wha, liquor? Oh, never mind.
>>anything to lessen the pain and pleasure the nasty little goblin fucking her mouth.
Rauru: Well, that definitely won’t lessen the pain, and we don’t really know the nasty little fuck-goblin’s tastes, so I think she’s kinda misguided here.
>>It would go on and on like that, a seemingly endless line of Bokoblins and Bokoblin cocks.
DED: ...Attached to those Bokoblins, I assume.
>>She would suck them all off,
Zelda: A seven-nation army couldn’t hold me back!
>>either swallowing load after load or else being covered by their hot cream
Rauru: Hey wait, here’s an example of the correct, unitary seminal “load.” I thought within each load was loads and loads of load! That’s the tune they were singing a few sentences ago...
DED: Jizz exegesis and spooge semiotics! It's madness out here!
>>when they came on her face or tits.
Link: They also come in handy 12-packs.
>>By the time the Bokoblins disappeared and her torment came to an end,
Zelda: Oh, story, you sweet summer child...monster cocks come and go, but the torment never ends.
>>Zelda would be left panting on the floor, stomach full and her hair and face covered in the creatures' nasty juices.
Rauru: Well at least—
Zelda: —Don't even GO THERE, you freak.
Rauru: ...I was gonna comment on the novelty of having a stomach that can be filled. I've quite forgotten what that feels like.
>>One short refractory period later, Link was throwing Zelda onto the bed
DED: Is there any chance you could consider the reader's ability to tolerate more sex...?
>>and she was spreading her legs to expose herself to him,
Zelda: Well, to expose a particular 3% or so of myself to him.
>>desperate to feel him fill her to the brim with his cock.
Link: So is that what the vagina is? The brim, of the uterus? Like on a hat?
DED: I probably wouldn't take it...TOO literally, but...
>>Link pushed himself in slowly at first, giving the princess time to adjust,
Rauru: ...her expectations, downward...
>>and she moaned in his ear as he finally buried himself to the hilt inside of her royal cunt.
Link: Hilts, brims—this is just like when I sword-fought with Jim Carrey out of The Mask.
DED: Yes, if only you'd killed him when you had the chance and paradoxed all his films out of existence...
>>She wriggled her hips and wrapped her legs around his waist,
Zelda: Ah, yes, the "Feisty Crab" sexual position. Very representative of my sexual being.
>>and then the hero was off,
Rauru: In this, the inaugural Hyrule Grand Pricks!
>>making love to the princess of Hyrule as though his very life depended on it.
Zelda: And also because his very life depends on it. There’s a reason I didn’t repair the bedroom wall, and left a gaping hole leading to a hundred-foot drop to certain death on the jagged rocks and rubble far below.
Rauru: Yeah, but, that sounds an awful lot like Link behaving rationally through cause and effect reasoning, which we ALL know is highly suspect.
>>"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Zelda cried out
DED: "My most favoriteist vowel ever!"
>as she felt Link thrust into her again and again,
Zelda: So, twice?
>>his cock pounding into her pussy and stretching her inner walls like never before.
Link: But my cock doesn't really pound, it fits right in, 'cuz it evolved that way. The meat-slap sound isn't from the cock itself.
Rauru: Yes, good, thank you for that informative reminder.
>>She tightened her naked legs
Link: Good, you’ve been stickin’ to your workout routine.
Zelda: Oh, I don’t have to do workouts to keep my ass-kicking legs in shape.
DED: You do have some of the ass-kickingest legs in Smash...but only if you hit the sweet spot.
Link: Hey, yeah, that’s magic, you kick people with magic sparklies and they die. Your legs alone do piddly damage.
DED: Y’know, the sweet spot on Zelda’s f-air? You might call it—
Rauru: What would my legs do if I were in Smash?
DED: —the Leg End of Zelda?
Zelda: GOD DAMN IT WE WERE ALL TRYING TO STOP YOU FROM MAKING THAT JOKE AND YOU JUST DID IT ANYWAY
Link: YOU RAT BASTARD
RAURU: FUCK YOU
DED: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA thank you I’ll be here all week!
>>around his thrusting waist,
Zelda: Yep, Link’s a big, thrusting waist of time and energy, all right.
Link: ...huh?
Zelda: You heard me.
Link: W-what’s a “waist of time and energy?”
Zelda: Everybody’s waist is of time and energy, everything in the universe is.
Link: Oh.
Zelda: Just a big soggy thrusting confused waist of skin and organs all right.
Link: Y-yeah I, um, you too, babe! Your waist is also of skin and organs.
Zelda: What a waist this all has been.
Link: What a waist indeed! Grrr-owl!
>>as if to keep him deep inside her.
Rauru: Oh as if.
>>"Oh! Oh, Link! Link!"
Zelda: “You’re walking out the door with your gloves on your feet and your shoes on your hands again!”
>>Link, as ever, was silent, save for his gasps and groans of pleasure,
Link: Usually I’m silent save for my gasps and groans of agony. Y’know, from all the fire, and crushing, and slicing, and falling, and impalement, and having a bat bump into me.
>>of which there were many.
DED: Let us list a few of them. “Urg.” “Unf.” “Woop.”
Link: “Slurrg.” “Fleep.” “Hawf.”
Rauru: “Ooog.” “Bworl.”
Zelda: “Norf.”
Link: “Shpwaazanga.”
DED: Okay we’ve listed enough.
>>The sensation of being buried to the hilt within the princess of Hyrule was utterly indescribable,
Zelda: The indescribable joy of regicide...too bad none will ever know it, nor live to tell of the attempt.
DED: For they will PERISH! At the LEG END OF ZELDA!
Zelda: FUCK RIGHT OFF
>>not only an honor of epic proportions,
Link: Oh I’ve got an epic proportion to match, be in no doubt...
>>but a feeling of such immense pleasure that Link wasn't sure how he was able to even remain conscious.
Rauru: Not that that’s a question he can ever really answer.
Link: Well hell, yeah, who does know? That’s like...philosophy and shit.
>>The way her pussy wrapped around his cock and squeezed his length was nothing short of heavenly,
Zelda: You sayin’ it’s only heavenly?
>>as though her very body was begging for more and more of him.
Link: Well that’s unsustainable. What, am I gonna grow like 40 feet tall?
DED: You actually have a magic mask that does grow you 40 feet tall.
Link: Always you’re trying to make more work for me! Lay off!
>>It was all Link could do to keep thrusting, to keep slamming himself into the princess again and again and again,
Rauru: Thrusting, in various forms, kinda is all Link can do.
Link: Nuh-uh, not true! I thrust and slash. And jump.
Zelda: We’re slowly working towards adding “dressing yourself” and “basic self-awareness” to your repertoire.
>>experiencing a burst of pleasure each and every time he drove himself inside her.
DED: Or, if you’re a pessimist, he’s being deprived of pleasure at all times he isn’t driving inside her.
Link: It’s all bullshit anyway, because I don’t DRIVE my penis anywhere. It doesn’t even have a wheel.
Zelda: Thank God for that. I wouldn’t trust Link to drive a Hot Wheels car along the floor with his hand...
>>Beneath him,
Link: You’re telling me.
>>Zelda quickly wrapped her arms around Link and dug her nails into his back
Rauru: Is she trying to plant a garden?
DED: “A garden of human fingernails,” that is some Helheim shit.
>>as she felt him ram into her harder and deeper each time,
Zelda: ...Up to a point, obviously.
DED: Let’s be real, there are severe diminishing returns once you start blasting out the top of the uterus and up into the lower intestines.
>>every single one of his thrusts driving her crazy and pushing her ever closer to the edge.
Zelda: “Every single one of his ______ driving her crazy and pushing her ever closer to the edge” is basically my entire life, now.
Link: That’s right, I drive all the ladies wild.
>>She bucked her hips
Rauru: But you’re always saying “the buck stops here.”
Zelda: That’s different.
Link: ...Wha? I thought you were threatening me with a sex strike!
DED: Well to be honest, I don’t think anybody actually knows what “passing the buck” literally refers to anyway.
>>as best she could,
Rauru: Wow, patronizing.
Zelda: Yeah! Fuck right off, who asked you anyway?
>>meeting Link thrust for thrust,
Rauru: Yes, but at what annualized rate?
>>desperate to feel him buried inside of her,
Zelda: Desperate to feel anything again...
>>and threw her head back and moaned loudly as she felt him penetrate new depths
DED: ...So...fucking a different girl...?
>>and claim her as no one ever had before.
Zelda: And no one ever will.
Link: But I just did.
Zelda: That’s what you think.
Link: ...I do? You’re always telling me I don’t.
>>As they went on, a harder rhythm was created between the two of them,
Rauru: Well, that’s a sensible difficulty curve I guess.
>>and soon Link was ramming himself into Zelda harder and faster than ever before,
DED: That would be true, vacuously, if this is the first and only time he’s rammed himself therein.
>>stretching the princess's cunt and causing her to cry out in both pain and pleasure.
Zelda: One cry for both emotions, or separate cries? Sequentially or simultaneously?
>>Her legs tightened around his waist and her breasts began to bounce up and down furiously,
Rauru: But why would they be so filled with rage?
DED: ...Have you ever spent a whole day stuffed inside a bra?
Link: Well actually this one time I was running away from my responsibilities and I got lost in the laundry room—
>>each of them in time with either Link's thrusts or her own attempts to buck her hips back at him in return.
Zelda: “GRAAH! FUCK! I HATE MY HIPS! I WISH I COULD LAUNCH MY WRETCHED PELVIC BONE CLEAN OUT OF MY BODY! AAAAAAAAAAA”
>>The Bokoblins and Lizalfos would fuck Zelda until her cunt was red and sore,
Link: They would, but they got the ol’ whisky dick and passed out on the couch instead.
>>throwing her onto the stone floor of the castle or the hard wood of the dinner hall tables
DED: So this whole cavalcade, like, moves around? Just a meandering rolling ball of fucking?
Link: They fuck the princess in the hall! They fuck her up against the wall! They fuck the princess on the floor! They fuck the princess through a door! They fuck her here! They fuck her there! They fuck the princess everywhere!
>>before thrusting their monstrous cocks as deep inside of her as they possibly could.
Zelda: Wouldn’t it be funny if Ganon gathered all his monsters here to rape me, and the Bokoblin steps up and wafts some spores from his crotch at me—and that’s it, spent, he’s smoking a cig? And the Lizalfos only have a cloaca, and the Tektites gently place a weird packet of sperm atop me and leave, and the slimes refuse to tentacle rape me and just divide mitotically, and with the sun going down, Ganon is left alone having angrily dismissed all his monsters one by one as it turns out none of Ganon’s minions actually has a penis? And it turns out that Ganon’s whole motivation for villainy is that he doesn’t have a penis either?
DED: ...Yes.
>>The princess would cry out as they pounded into her again and again,
Rauru: ...Probably something we could have guessed.
>>but to no avail,
Link: Fuck, man, who needs avail anyway? Screw it.
>>as her screams only seemed to drive them on, to give them more reason still to fuck her royal brains out.
DED: Fuck, fuck, fuck, plop.
Link: Good thing you have all those backup brains that you can use to ignore me many times over, because you’re soooo important.
Zelda: Yes. It is.
>>Though she despised the Bokoblins and their slimy cocks covered in sweat,
DED: ...she hated their proletarian status even more.
>>Zelda disliked the dicks of the Lizalfos more,
Rauru: Because “dislike” is more severe than “despise.”
>>covered as they were in rough scales that felt like sandpaper when they shoved themselves inside of her.
DED: ...When they shoved themselves inside her, their dicks felt like they were being sandpapered...?
Link: What we thought were grunts and shrieks of pleasure were actually the Lizalfos going “AAUGGH OW FUCK WHY DID WE EVOLVE THIS WAY”
>>The reptiles would pin her to the ground as they fucked her raw,
Rauru: Sashimi-style, you might say.
>>their long tongues licking her breasts and face as they rutted wildly, always too fast, always too rough,
Zelda: ...missing my pussy and even my body completely most of the time...
>>their only thoughts on cumming inside the squirming princess.
DED: Thoughts of revulsion, regret, wondering what they’ll tell their lizard wives after being forced to be unfaithful by their evil boss...
>>Worse yet were the cocks of the Moblins who wandered the castle
Zelda: Oh, yeah, disembodied roaming cocks, that is the absolute worst.
>>and occasionally stumbled upon the naked princess
Link: I know I hate how I'm always tripping over naked princesses.
>>as the Bokoblins and Lizalfos ran a train on her.
Rauru: What is this, Spirit Tracks?
>>Growling and roaring,
DED: ...flossing and twerking and krumping...
>>the Moblins would push the other monsters out of the way before revealing their own foot-long cocks
Zelda: Is the sequencing important here?
>>covered in warts and bumps that always made it feel like Zelda's pussy was being torn in half.
DED: I’ve said it before, but isn’t that what it’s supposed to do? Split in half, creating a hole?
Rauru: Yeah, like, it’s a cleft. How would you go about tearing, say, a purse, “in half?” You couldn’t do that by shoving something big inside it, you’d have to rend it perpendicular to the opening and tear it in half top-vs-bottom.
>>A moment later, Zelda would be bent over a table or desk
Zelda: The endless rape and constant psychic exertion is bad enough, but aaaall the paperwork, UGH!
>>as the Moblin stuffed the entirety of its cock inside her and proceeded to fuck the girl unconscious.
Link: And trip the light fantastic.
DED: Unconscious, but I guess still containing Ganon? How the fuck does this work?!
>>Zelda pushed such dark thoughts away once more
Zelda: The key is booze.
>>as she found herself on top of Link,
Link: And she may find herself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife! And she may ask herself, “Well, how did I get here?”
>>riding his dick with wild abandon
Rauru: Firin’ them ol’ six-guns in the air and a’whoopin’ and a’hollerin’ fit ta raise Cain!
>>as he laid back on her bed and gripped her naked hips, guiding her up and down, up and down, up and down.
Zelda: Yeah, I...I got it now, thanks, it’s not very complicated.
>>The feeling of his cock standing straight up inside of her drove the princess absolutely crazy,
DED: A hundred years of brutal monster rape? Nope, her sanity remains ironclad. 15 minutes with Link? Driven absolutely crazy.
>>and she found herself falling more and more in love with the hero – and with his body – with every one of his thrusts upwards into her needy cunt.
Link: Whoa, whoa, better throttle back then. Don’t want obsessive stalking.
Rauru: Eventually you hit full-blown religious worship.
Zelda: I really should stop while I still have my free will.
>>"Huh!
DED: Good God y’all! What is it GOOD FOR? Absolutely NOTHIN’!
>>Huh! Huh!"
Link: Huh! Hoo! Ha! Whooooa mamma!
>>Zelda moaned as she passionately rode Link,
Rauru: To the Old Town Road?
>>straddling his hips and taking the entirety of his cock in her pussy, lifting herself up and then slamming back down onto him over and over again.
Zelda: In the accepted fashion.
>>"Oh, Link! Yes! Yes! Just like that!"
DED: “Lie there with an erect penis and don’t do or say anything!”
>>Link grunted softly as he gripped the princess by her hips,
Link: Grip by the hip means more bounce to the ounce.
>>both of his hands digging into her naked flesh as he guided her movements,
Rauru (raising a huge dripping spoonful of mac and cheese): Dig in? Waaaay ahead of you.
>>desperate to bury himself as deep as possible in Zelda's cunt.
DED: Which is, actually, preeeetty inadequately shallow, for a burial.
Zelda: Well, we all knew he’d end up in a shallow unmarked grave somewhere.
>>She moaned and gasped above him as she rode him,
Link: Booo-ring, couldn’t she try throwing her voice and gasping and moaning from below?
>>rolling and bucking her hips as she bounced on his dick, her tight ass slapping against his balls every time she came slamming back down on top of him.
DED: Meanwhile, the king’s ghost is hovering nearby, watching his daughter get some through the gaping wall-hole, thumbs-upping Link, going, “MAH BOI, this piece of ass is what ALL warriors strive for!”
>>Zelda rode him roughly, like a woman possessed,
Zelda: Possessed by what?
Rauru: Gumption?
DED: I guess we’re assuming a demon? Like, specifically a lust demon, I guess? Or a really horny ghost?
>>as though she would never again have the opportunity to feel him inside of her.
Link: What, does she not expect me to survive this?
Zelda: I mean, I am possessed...
>>She moaned loudly, bouncing on Link's dick and causing the mattress beneath them to creak and groan,
Rauru: ...and scoot ever-so-slightly closer to the crumbling precipice where the unrepaired destroyed wall was...
>>and purposely ensured her breasts bounced up and down,
DED: With malice aforethought!
>>up and down,
Link: AND side to side, at least a LITTLE bit, c’mon! I’ve seen them dancing melons do the cymbal monkey and make a little clap-a-lap.
Zelda: ...I...I can’t say that isn’t true, but the words you just said about my bosoms are just...hurting my brain from the inside out.
>>perfect for groping and squeezing.
DED: Relieve hand stress! Gain grip strength! BUT WAIT! Buy two boobs NOW and get a THIRD TITTY FREE!
>>It was only a few moments after noticing the girl's wonderful breasts that Link moved his hands away from her hips and up to her tits,
Rauru: It was only a few moments after noticing her wonderful breasts, the first time he ever saw her, that he started groping them.
Link: That sounds right...can’t remember though.
>>taking one in each hand and squeezing lovingly and passionately,
Zelda: That's what makes our orange juice different from all the others. Try some today!
>>as though he knew right then and there they would belong to him for the rest of his living days.
DED: Then again, knowing things isn't exactly his forte.
>>He pushed and pulled, squeezed and groped, rolled her hardened nipples beneath his fingers,
Zelda: ...the hell? They're not blunts, you know.
>>and Zelda reacted to every action with a squeal of pleasure or a long, hard moan.
DED: So she’s a...state machine? Like could you use the squeals and moans as, hypothetically, switches in a computer?
>>Eventually, Link began openly thrusting harder and harder up into the princess impaled upon his cock, taking more of the initiative.
Rauru: A power struggle develops, engulfing the entire royal court.
>>Zelda, for her part, merely moaned and cried out in pleasure
Zelda: Easiest part I ever played!
>>as she felt Link finally let go of her breasts and grab her tight ass,
Link: I’m still not totally sure I get this, as a compliment...like, if a video game had a character creator with a slider for the ass between “Tight” and “Loose,” what would it even do?
DED: I don’t think I want to find out.
Zelda: Well, the list of “things you’re still not totally sure you get” is as long as the universe...
>>using it to anchor himself as he drove himself up into her again and again and again,
Rauru: Guess what?
Link: What?
Rauru: Anchor butt!
>>sending waves of pleasure bursting throughout every muscle in her body.
Zelda: Even my hair feels great somehow!
DED: Technically, if pleasure is bursting through only her muscles, then she won’t actually feel it, if it never touches her nerves or her reaches her brain.
>>"Oh, gods! Oh, gods! Oh, Link!" Zelda shouted
Zelda: For about the fourteenth time that day, finally for the right reason.
>>as she felt Link lift her up and down on his dick, burying himself deeper and deeper inside her with every single thrust.
Link: Rationing my dick extremely carefully and thrusting with laser precision.
>>She bucked and rolled her hips as best she could in response,
Zelda: Which is fan-fucking-tastically, for your info.
>>determined to take Link as deep as she possibly could.
Rauru: Into her web of scheming and tyranny?
Zelda: Aw hell no, Link is highly segregated from my web of scheming and tyranny. He’s way off to the side embedded in his own web of exuberance and stupidity.
>>"Take me, Link!
Link: Wait you just said you were determined to take me—
>>Take your princess!
DED: ...down, to Funkytown!
>>Make me yours!"
Link: “Make you me?”
Zelda: “No make me yours!”
Link: “Make yours mine...?”
Zelda: “Closer!”
>>Zelda was never given the opportunity to ride any of the monsters of Hyrule Castle,
Rauru: Ganon’s minions love giving people rides, skipping gaily about the castle and delighting children. But Ganon won’t let them.
>>which was just as well, as she would have refused to do so regardless.
Zelda: Doesn’t seem safe.
>>No, she was always either thrown onto her back and pounded into the floor or else bent over onto her hands and knees as a pig-headed monster rammed into her from behind.
Link: That is how Moblins work. You gotta shoot them with the Hookshot to stun them or something.
>>They weren't making love the princess, after all;
DED: I dunno, I bet some of them were. The sensitive, romantic fuck-goblin, who thought himself a star-crossed lover.
>>nor were they breeding.
Zelda: C’mon, Ganon, bad long-term strategy.
Rauru: You’d think an ageless demonic entity would know how to play the long game.
>>They were fucking her, plain and simple,
Link: Oh whoa what is THAT?
DED: We’ve avoided this conflict of formatting for the last 15 years, but there’s actual bold-face text in this story!
Zelda: Oh, sure, I’m real impressed.
>>nothing more, nothing less.
Link: Nothing left, nothing right. Nothing up, nothing down, nothing sideways, nothing new, nothing borrowed, nothing blue, nothing chartreuse...
Zelda: Nope, nope, there’d be some chartreuse in the liquor cabinet.
>>Much like the Calamity from which they were birthed, the monsters were insatiable and uncontrollable,
Rauru: And yet, I’m fairly sure the Calamity didn’t do any gangbangs, so that’s their own initiative.
>>and so it was rare that Zelda wasn't being fucked by at least two of the creatures at once, regardless of species.
DED: Why do these monsters never prey on and/or fuck each other?
Link: Ganon has united them into a common front. Who knew the Calamity was actually a force of populist, working-monster-class solidarity?
Zelda: Why do you think I’m resisting it so hard?!
>>She would bob her head and suck on the dick of a slimy Bokoblin as a Lizalfos pounded into her cunt with relish,
Rauru: Those fiends, shoving a delicious sauce of chopped pickled vegetables into her nether regions! That’s BOUND to give her an infection!
>>savoring the feel of the princess's tight, royal pussy.
Zelda: Behold, peasants, the glories of my noble bloodline.
DED: The royal bloodline eugenically selects for tight abdominal floor muscles...?
Zelda: Duh.
>>Eventually, the two of them would cum inside her and be replaced by more.
Link: Wait they’re multiplying afterward? So they ARE breeding!
>>While the Bokoblins and Lizalfos always seemed to prefer Zelda's mouth or pussy, the Moblins loved nothing more than shoving their bumpy cocks in the princess's tight ass.
Rauru: According to the latest exit polls.
>>She had cried the first time it happened, and felt the castle shake as she almost lost her resolve, but recovered in time to ensure Ganon did not escape.
DED: Again, wouldn’t just clubbing her over the head until she falls unconscious or dies be more effective in breaking her resolve?
Zelda: Maybe the monsters intended to kill me after having their fun, and they just kept putting it off, and before they knew it a hundred years had gone by. You know how it goes.
>>Regardless, it did nothing to dull the pain of the Moblin brutally sodomizing her,
Link: Poor Moblin...he never asked for this either...
>>ramming its foot-long cock into her ass again and again and again until it flooded her bowels with its seed.
Rauru: After that, not again.
>>After that, it was open season on poor Zelda,
DED: It wasn’t before...?
>>and the princess often found herself being double-teamed by monsters,
Link: And she may ask herself, “where is that large automobile?”
>>with one pounding her ass as another fucked her cunt.
Zelda: And one working the boom mic, one lighting engineer, a key grip, gaffer...
>>There were even occasions in which all three of her tight holes were filled,
Rauru: Usually celebrated with a garden party or some other light soireé, and a short speech.
>>with a Bokoblin thrusting into her mouth as she rode a Lizalfos and endured the pain of a Moblin fucking her ass.
DED: Well at least she’s fostering racial cooperation. Maybe, by bonding over this common ritual for 100 years, these monsters all learned how to put aside their differences and forged new cultural ties.
Zelda: ...
>>Still, through it all, she prevailed, never once letting her guard slip or her focus sway, even as all three creatures came inside her at the same time.
Link: It’s like “lay back and think of England,” except it’s thinking about England exploding out of your house and devouring the world.
DED: That basically already happened, hundreds of years ago.
>>Then it happened.
Zelda: The audience ran out of patience completely.
>>Just as she was sure she was about to faint from pleasure, Zelda
Rauru: ...fainted from pleasure.
Zelda: I mean, I was sure of it.
>>felt the little ball of ecstasy building up inside of her finally burst
DED: Wommp wommp waaaaaaahhh.
>>as she experienced her very first orgasm in a hundred years.
DED: ...OH, it was a good thing.
Link: Yeah, it sounded pretty negative! Like, “hate to burst your ecstasy ball, but...”
>>A century's worth of pain and pleasure and bliss consumed the princess
Zelda: Kind of like how Rauru consumes a century's worth of paninis and pheasant, every few days.
Rauru (pulls a perfectly clean quail skeleton out of his mouth): ...Huh?
>>as she continued to ride Link up and down,
DED: So let's think this through: she had to initiate the cowgirl sex by descending onto his dick. So really all along she's been riding Link "down and up," not "up and down."
Link: ...You said "let's think this through," and then just kept talking before I could even object, like usual.
DED: Come on, just try thinking. Just try it once to see if you like it.
Link: But my perfect streak...!
>>her pussy tightening around his thick cock and her entire body shuddering and shaking as she was overcome by ecstasy.
Zelda: So does...Ganon break free now, or...?
>>"OHHH!"
DED: ...say can you see, by the...
>>Zelda cried as her orgasm blotted out of her vision
Rauru: Why is she crying? I thought she was finally happy.
Zelda: But I just went blind!
>>until all she saw were bursts of white,
Link: Willy Pete! Hit the fuckin' deck!
>>her entire body spasming wildly and uncontrollably.
DED: ...and fell off the bed, and continued along the floor and down the hall and ended fainting on the wall with a vision of ultimate cunt and come eluding the last gyzym of consciousness...
Rauru: ...the fuck?
DED: It's Alan Ginsberg! From "Howl!" It's world-renowned classic poetry!
>>After so many years of torment, after decades of penetration, after a full century of being brutalized,
Zelda: After 52,560,000 minutes of molestation, after 3,153,600,000 sex-filled seconds...
>>finally she felt the sweet release she had been craving throughout its entirety.
Link: ...But did she cum?
>>And it was good.
DED: She splits the uprights!
>>Zelda collapsed onto Link as her orgasm finally reached its peak,
Rauru: And so she died.
>>draining her of all energy and leaving her as little more than a beautiful mess writhing on top of her hero,
Zelda: What little more?
Link: Mostly a beautiful mess, also a little drunken mess.
Zelda: ...Okay, yeah, there's that.
>>his cock still buried to the hilt deep inside of her.
DED: Like a squirrel, he often forgets where he buried it.
>>A moment later, she was being thrown back onto her back as Link flipped them over
Zelda: Oh hell what did you do?!
Link: What? No one was using the compressed nitrogen cannon, so I put it under the bed.
>>and began to jackhammer into her pussy like never before,
Rauru: ...because jackhammers haven't been invented in Hyrule.
>>desperate to achieve his own release.
DED: Yet another overly-ambitious Soundcloud rapper who can't find a label.
>>"Yes! Yes! Finish it!" Zelda shouted
Zelda: HARD AGREE
>>as she closed her eyes and threw her head back in pleasure, her tits bouncing uncontrollably
Link: Oh c'mon, I bet I could control them. In fact I would relish it!
Rauru: Okay, fair, it probably doesn't mean literally impossible to control. Just that Zelda can't control them. She doesn't have prehensile boobs.
Zelda: I suppose I could use my psychic power to telekinetically hold them in place.
>>as she struggled to buck her hips to Link's desperate thrusts.
DED: So much struggle and desperation. I thought the heroes were victorious and everything is fine now.
>>"Finish inside me, Link! Make me yours! Make me yours forever!"
Zelda: "No, no, I said make me yours, not make me oars! Stop carving that wood into a paddle shape!"
>>A couple dozen more thrusts and soon Link did just that.
Rauru: I'm surprised he remembered what he was doing for so long.
>>As Zelda writhed and squirmed in pleasure beneath him, Link rammed his cock as deep into her pussy as he possibly could
Link: Let it never be said that I half-ass my responsibilities.
Zelda: Nope, you are entirely ass at everything.
Link: Thanks!
>>and came like he had never cum before.
DED: Like an awkward 12-year-old quiveringly typing "porn" into a search engine and creaming his tighty-whities.
>>A veritable river of white hot cum flooded the princess's cunt,
Rauru: Veritable by who? The world's most easily-impressed hydrologist?
>>causing her to moan in ecstasy as she felt Link's juices fill her to the very brim,
Zelda: Link, just so you know, if you ever fill any of my hats with your semen, I will grab it and slam it down on your own head and kick you in the ass down the stairs.
Link: ...That would be a weird thing to do, even for me.
>>warming her womb with his love.
DED: Welp, her dynasty is almost extinct, so she better hope for some heirs out of this.
>>There had been no orgasm for Zelda during her hundred years of torment.
Rauru: No soup for you!
>>There had been no pleasure, no passion,
Zelda: Hey whoa, no orgasm maybe, but now you’re just making assumptions and judgments.
DED: ...What?!
Zelda: I mean, yeah, not sexual pleasure, but pretty soon I’d be on that Myth-of-Sisyphus, existential-nihilism, no-fate-that-cannot-be-surmounted-by-scorn shit. I’d be making up little games and challenges to amuse myself, proudly acknowledging this absurd situation as a microcosm for the fundamental absurdity of the universe.
Rauru: ...You do you, fam.
>>and certainly no love.
DED: No love deep web.
Link: No love but Jah love.
>>There had been nothing but pain and penetration and copious amounts of monster cum filling every hole she had.
Zelda: Then again, back in those days you could buy a house for six Rupees and a ha’penny, I tells ya.
>>It had been different, then. It had been worse. But that was okay.
Rauru: It really, really isn’t.
>>Because it was finally over.
DED: I FUCKING WISH
>>Zelda smiled as she felt Link practically collapse on top of her, his body practically covering hers,
Zelda: We practically lay there in a big gross sticky practical flesh-pile.
>>both of them drenched in sweat and consumed by pleasure.
Link: Or was it drenched in pleasure and consumed by sweat?
>>She could feel every muscle in his body as he lay atop her,
DED: Even the ones on his back?
Zelda: My physical senses exude several feet around my actual body. It's more Triforce business.
Link: How come my Triforce doesn't give me all these superpowers?
Zelda: ...Have you noticed how you're somehow still alive?
>>his cock still buried deep inside her, causing her to wriggle her hips and then giggle when the hero groaned lightly in response.
Rauru: Sounds like they literally fucked each others' brains out.
>>Rather than get dressed, the two elected to stay in bed together and spend the night as is,
DED: Fix! FIX!
Zelda: Look, count your blessings that I even permit a sham election.
>>bodies intertwined and utterly naked.
Link: D-do we really have to spend the whole night entwined?
>>For a moment, just as Zelda was closing her eyes, that she remembered
Zelda: "...Wait, was the deadline for signing that treaty today or tomorrow? Eh, whatever, if it turns out I accidentally started a war, I'm sure I'll win it."
>>what it had been like before Link had defeated Ganon and saved all of Hyrule – saved her.
Rauru: Saved her for later in a resealable plastic container.
Zelda: Save me, SAVE me, SAAAAAAAAVE me, I'm naked and I'm trapped at home...
>>She remembered the Bokoblins and the Lizalfos and the Moblins.
DED: Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion...
>>She remembered the torment she had endured, the brutalizing, the century's worth of strength and focus.
Link: I do admire the strength and focus of those monsters, plodding away day after day, year after year, doing this thankless impossible chore.
>>She remembered the lengths to which she had gone to keep her kingdom safe,
Rauru: And the lengths which had gone into her.
>>even giving up every inch of her own body
DED: Every cubic inch. She is three-dimensional after all.
>>just to ensure Link had the time necessary to recover and finally seal away the darkness.
Link: It's always about "sealing away" or "banishing" Ganon, but I never understood that. I mean, it's not like I walk up to the guy and serve him an eviction notice. I just stab him until a cutscene starts.
>>She remembered it all.
Rauru: ...YOUR unforgettable dream vacation! Hyrule Castle, book now!
>>But then she felt Link's soft breathing as he fell asleep atop her,
Zelda: And also, y’know, all the rest of Link’s sweaty bulk as he falls asleep atop me.
>>and such dark memories were pushed from her mind.
DED: ...Out into the room, where they became real and started rampaging again.
>>Smiling, the princess wrapped her arms around her hero and nuzzled into his shoulder,
Rauru: Hey! Get outta there!
DED: Dang ol’ princesses a’nuzzlin’ ‘round the shoulder ‘gain!
>>looking forward to waking up in the morning to resume their activities.
Link: I don’t have to wait ‘til then, y’know.
>>Yes,
Zelda: YES! This is DELICIOUS!
>>Zelda thought as she finally drifted to sleep, this is
Rauru: “...betzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”
>>better.
DED: A little better, all the time! (Can’t get no worse!)
>>Much better.
Link: Well, another horrible Zelda rape story is done and dusted. How ya holdin’ up honey?
Zelda: Ahh, I’m fine, I just wish there were some stories about me raping dozens of Bokoblins and Lizalfos. I mean it’s basically the same premise, but I’d actually get to enjoy it!
DED: ...you would?
Zelda: Yeah! Stalking their villages by night, listening to them from the shadows as they gather around the campfire and chatter nervously about the demon that strikes by darkness, and then taking them unawares and putting bags on their heads and a knife to their throats and raping the shit out of them? C’mon, that’s a lot more interesting than THIS story was.
Rauru: But like...you don’t actually want to go out and have violent nonconsensual sex with monsters, right?
Zelda: I don’t even know what I want anymore.
DED: How about the end of this MST?
Zelda: That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.
