In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space
We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:
Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “Delete Audacity!”
Rauru! “Unlimited breadsticks!”
Zelda! “Off with their heads!”
Link! “My shirt is inside-out!”
If you don’t get how he stays alive
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!
“Hilda’s Secret Plan” by SZ NSFW
>>Link had made it to the top
Link: Heeeeeell yeah! We made it, baby! Started from the bottom, now we here!
DED: Too bad the game always ends at the height of your power, huh?
Link: Yeah, I always have all the coolest gear and maximum heart containers and all, but, well, you know me. By the time the next game rolls around I’ve lost everything I used to have through misuse and incompetence and I’ve managed to hurt myself in the process so badly I’m back down to a miserable 3 hearts.
Zelda: How can you be so aware of your cyclical idiocy and yet—
Link: ...like how I accidentally made all the high-tension Hookshot springs and components explode out everywhere all over Zelda’s dinner guests, or the time I...
Rauru: Don’t get too mad. Hyrule constantly needing to be saved and Link constantly being not adequately prepared to save it is what keeps us all employed.
Zelda: I guess...
>>of Lorule Castle to finally meet back with Princess Hilda
DED: Oh, it’s THIS game? Shit.
Rauru: Franchise scholarship letting you down?
DED: Look, I don’t have time to play Zelda games anymore, I’m too busy making fun of fanfiction based on them!
>>after his long and perilous quest.
Rauru: Quest omitted for clarity.
>>He had to go through many dangerous and tricky dungeons,
Link: It’s tricky to solve a quest, to solve a quest upon request, it’s tricky!
DED: It’s tricky?
Link: Tricky, tricky, tricky!
>>all more or less a little new to him since he was in another parallel world,
Rauru: New, and yet, the same old, walkin’ that “long-running series with unpleasable fanbase” tightrope.
DED: Oh oh I know one thing about this game, there’s some whack-ass item rental system. ‘Sup with that? I assume it’s the Hyrule equivalent of late-stage capitalism kicking in.
>>but he managed to fight his way through all the hardships in his way, and he was able to get the Triforce of Courage as well.
Link: I wonder what the Triforces might have been, in a slightly different universe with different goddesses and whatnot. Perhaps I’d end up with the Triforce of Rambunctiousness.
Zelda: That sounds about right. Maybe...a Triforce of MILF?
Rauru: Oh I know I know I know!
DED: Yessss?
Rauru: A Triforce of Food!
DED: Very good. What about some more down-to-earth options? I mean, someone might be bewildered by receiving all-powerful Wisdom or Courage. They might misuse it, or be afraid that they would. But nobody would be unsure as to how to wield the power of, say, a Triforce of Dehumidifying, and nobody could possibly not want it!
Link: I mean, if I could pick any kind of Triforce, I’d of course opt for a Triforce of Awesome.
Rauru: We can dream...
>>All that was left to do was to meet back with Princess Hilda.
Link: Or perhaps...meat back with her.
>>He made his way into the Throne room where the princess was at.
DED: Where the princess at? And for that matter, where ma dawgz at? And where the hood at? And where the wild things are?
>>He looked around for a bit, the room being very ominous,
Zelda: “Hey, room, you’re being VERY ominous right now, you gotta check your vibe.”
>>yet strangely peaceful.
Link: As in, “A fine peace of ass resides here.”
>>He smiled when he saw the princess in question
Zelda: WHO DARES question a princess?!
>>standing in front of the painting of Princess Zelda.
Rauru: What’s it feel like being made of paint?
Zelda: Oh, y’know...flat...
>>The hero walked up to Hilda and she could hear his footsteps but still had her focus on the portrait of the princess.
DED: Ignore him, ignore him, hope he goes away...
>>"Princess Hilda. I'm finally back." Link called.
Link: “I got you a pack of cigs and a Twisted Tea, like you asked.”
>>She had moved her head to the side to look over her shoulder at Link before turning around to look at him.
DED: To do this, her irises contracted to change the focal length of her vision, so that she could see him clearly. This was so easy for her that it was completely unconscious.
>>"You have done well to come so far, Hero of Hyrule."
Rauru: “I really, really thought you’d get killed by now and I didn’t really plan for this.”
>>She let out a small smile.
DED: A small, pained, fake smile.
>>Link nodded.
Link: ...Whatever.
>>"I have the Triforce of Courage. It wasn't easy, but I conquered the dungeons, rescued the sages and got the Triforce of Courage." He said.
DED: Right, well, clean kill, onto the next game I guess.
Rauru: GG EZ no re.
>>"I see. Excellent work."
Zelda: “However, all I actually wanted you to do was to gather a bale of fresh hay for the stables.”
Link: “Oops. I just saw dungeons full of locked doors and started doing my thing and before I knew it I was accessing the deepest secrets of creation.”
>>She said and looked at him, having a certain look in her eyes.
DED: You should have seen by the look in my eyes, baby, there was somethin’ missing...
Zelda: You should have known by the tone of my voice, maybe, BUT YOU DIDN’T LISTEN...
Link: ...and I’m gonna KEEEEEP ON SOLVING QUEEESTS! Cuz it’s the waaaay to see some royal breasts...I don’t wanna sleep, I just wanna keep on touching breeeeeassssts!
>>Link saw the look she had, and more or less became immediately,
Rauru: There’s some debate if you should say “cum” or “come,” but “become” is definitely wrong.
>>not uncomfortable, but cautious.
DED: Like when you’re about to release a big fart and you’re hoping that’s all.
>>"You know, I do have a confession to make."
Zelda: “I probably exposed you to hella asbestos. Dungeons gotta be full of radon, too, that’s not healthy. Bottom line is, check your balls.”
>>"Wh-what is it?" He asked.
Link: “If it’s a cost issue, I offer several convenient finance options for my kingdom-saving services.”
DED: “Hy-credit? Lo-credit? No problem!”
>>Hilda giggled for a bit and looked back at the painting of Zelda, almost with a devilish smirk.
Rauru: Everyone in porn fics just has mild brain damage, it seems.
>>Not that Link could see it, then she looked back at him, her soft smile returning.
DED: Thanks to captive-breeding programs and environmental conservation methods, the soft smile is returning to its native range.
>>"As you very well know,
Zelda: “...Or, more accurately, ‘as you are hopefully dimly aware...’”
>>I've been watching you as you traveled nearly every inch of Lorule."
Rauru: “Nearly. I noticed you skipped some sidequests. What, are you too GOOD for my kingdom or something?!”
>>"Yes, you have." He said and chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck.
Link: I got a weird rash or somethin’.
DED: I hate when the tag’s all scratchy on a new shirt!
>>"Th-thanks for that. I feel that if it weren't for you, I'd be lost in this world.
Rauru: He’d have had to call one of those video game hint lines from the 90’s.
>>Lorule has many similarities to Hyrule, but they are two completely different kingdoms.
Link: “This took me quite a while to understand. So if my progress was slow, that’s what I was busy figuring out.”
>>So thank you again for guiding me."
Zelda: “You’re welcome, you didn’t make it easy.”
>>"Of course. But, that's not what I wanted to confess to you."
DED: “Go get in the other compartment in the little booth and open the vent thingy.”
>>He was confused now.
Zelda: There’s a surprise.
Link: What’s a surprise?
>>"Then what is it?"
Rauru: “I’ve been using you for accounting fraud. If anyone asks, you’re my sclerotic 86-year-old aunt.”
>>Hilda walked up to Link, smiling at him, the violet lipstick she had on helped to amplify her smile, and in combination with her crimson eyes, only helped to emphasise her features.
DED: Hey check THAT shit out, a place where you genuinely needed a semicolon.
>>And speaking of her eyes, just from looking, Link could tell that she had something planned,
Rauru: I mean, fail to prepare, prepare to fail, right?
Zelda: What do they take me for?
>>the question was whether or not if it was a good thing or a bad thing.
Link: Well philosophically—
>>"U-um..."
DED: “...Damn, I’ve totally forgotten. It was something...with the thing where you...”
Link: “Eh, fuck it.”
DED: “Yes, THAT! Exactly! Thank you! Now drop them pants.”
>>Hilda leaned herself forward after a few moments and she planted a kiss right onto Link's lips, laying her staff aside
Zelda: So just...dropping it on the floor, I guess?
Rauru: Unless this is referring to mass layoffs of all her castle employees.
>>and wrapped her arms around Link's neck.
DED: Why you little...!
>>The hero was understandably shocked by this.
Link: Damn you Hilda and your taser lips!
>>He went to go and push her off but one, he had calmed down after a few moments and wrapped his arms around her waist, kissing her back.
DED: Whoa wait you have to explain “but one,” what’s that about?
Link: Butt one? Do I have...two? I’m confused but intrigued...
>>And two, she had a pretty tight grip on him,
DED: Oooh, I see, it was a numbered list, but spread across two sentences. Thanks for leaving us hanging there.
>>so he wasn't going to pull her off anytime soon even if he wanted to, which he didn't as a matter of fact.
Rauru: We didn’t ask and we don’t care.
>>She broke the kiss and they both looked at each other, Link looking at Hilda in a whole new light,
Zelda: Yes, yes, yes, looking, always looking, we know. Humans really fucking love looking at things and rely on it a lot and you don’t have to tell me.
Link: B-but the lighting conditions I’m looking at her in changed!
>>and Hilda couldn't help but bite her lip a little and winked at him, making the hero blush.
DED: Thanks for making him some, but I’m not sure Link’s gonna want to wear blush.
Link: I dunno, I’d give it a try. I’ve worn goofier things on my face...Don Gero’s Mask springs immediately to mind...
>>"P-princess, I-I..."
Rauru: Where did ya come from, where did ya go, where did ya come from Princess I Joe?
>>"Shh..." She shushed him
DED: You don’t say!
Rauru: Wow-what-a-great-idea-why-didn’t-we-think-of-that.
>>and brought a finger up to his lip to stop him from talking.
Link: Buh I caahh stihl talk jufft fime wif a fimger oh muh mouf. See?
Rauru: Oh-look-I-guess-that’s-why.
>>"You don't need to say anything...
DED: “This has been well-established in the series...”
>>I've had these feelings for you for a while now...
Zelda: “Like maybe two and half months? I dunno. When was the first time I—oh, better not tell you about that. Look, it’s not important...”
>>I've wanted you for so long, and I've waited patiently for you to return here to me..."
Link: What does she want, applause?
Rauru: I mean, probably?
>>She said, then giggled before speaking again. "And please, call me Hilda...
Zelda: “Stop calling me ‘Zeldurple,’ it’s not my name! It’s not as funny as you think it is!”
>>No need to be so formal..."
Link: “But I wanted to wear this fancy frock...I was up all night powdering my wig...”
>>"Okay... Hilda..."
Rauru: Just smile and nod...you have no idea what she's capable of...
>>She giggled and went to kiss him again,
DED: ...but missed...
Link: Or did I dodge?
>>only this time she opened her mouth and pushed her tongue inside his, french kissing him.
Zelda: “France” must be some region in Lorule we’re unfamiliar with.
>>Link moved his tongue in her mouth too,
Link: Sounds like something I’d do, all right.
>>both of them moaning from just how good the kiss felt.
Rauru: ‘Cuz every time we touch, I get this feeling, and every time we kiss, I swear I could fly!
Link: That would’ve saved me a lot of time...
>>And while they both kissed, Zelda, still trapped in the portrait, could only watch
DED: Which, if you think about the capabilities of the average inanimate painting, is still pretty impressive, tee bee eff.
>>as both the Hylian hero and the Lorulean princess made out.
Rauru: So by the same construction as “Hyrule” becoming “Hylian,” shouldn’t she, from Lorule, be “Lolian?”
DED: ...Don’t...
Link: Lowly Ann? Ain’t she one of the town hookers?
Zelda: ...What?
>>That made her feel jealous
Link: Sorry toots, you were beaten by the better woman: the one not made of paint.
>>and sick to her stomach
Rauru: Can you be sick to your stomach when you’re flat and made of paint?
>>after seeing Hilda show her true colors.
DED: Let me guess, it’s purple.
>>But of course, this was just the beginning,
Rauru: Cripes, don’t remind us...
DED: You can’t break me, story!
>>and the Hyrulean princess had a front row seat to watch everything,
Zelda: Do I actually? I don’t see a chair in that stupid painting, I had to stand!
>>whether she wanted to or not.
Link: Free will’s pretty debatable anyway.
>>Hilda started grinding her crotch against Link's,
Rauru: Yeah, shave me off some of that. More...more...more...more...too much.
>>making them both moan, and Link started dry humping her,
Zelda: "Dry humping" just means "clothed humping." Like, you're free to be wet, or not, under the clothes, but the clothes are the main distinction of the hump.
>>while also bringing his hand down
Link: “You SUCK, hand. You’ll never amount to anything. No one really likes you, they’re all faking.”
>>and squeezed her plump rear end.
Rauru: Whoa whoa whoa, you were tongue-kissing and dry-humping but WHAT made you think you had the green light for groping?!
>>She moaned from the feeling,
DED: Moan at a feelin’...(moan at a feelin’) when I feel that ol’ dong play...(moan at a feelin’) I begin dreamin’...
>>and didn't want to wait anymore and broke the kiss, looking Link directly in the eyes.
Rauru: Couldn’t wait to look directly in his eyes...?
>>They both panted while looking lustfully at each other,
DED: ...What’s this? Lustful LOOKS from Link and the lovely lady? Persistent priapism and panty precipitation, presaged by PANTING?
>>and without saying a word, Hilda reached behind her back and pulled down the zipper from her dress.
Link: Usually she would say a word and her servants would come and undress her so she doesn’t have to move a muscle. Means she must really like me.
>>She went to slowly take it off to tease him,
Rauru: But, what, she was stopped by a ninja tiger?!
>>and she was left in her gloves, her sandals, her leggings and of course, her violet bra
Zelda: She’s got what you’d call a theme.
>>and what he assumed were purple panties as well.
DED: ...W-what the...fuck...? Is he colorblind?
Link: Why do I need to assume, can I not...see them? Is she, like, Rauru-caliber fat?
>>Link smiled and started stripping
Rauru: Sweet salty saltimbocca!
DED: Is that like an exclamation, or...oh, why do I even ask...
Rauru (eating slab of chicken saltimbocca impaled on a fork): *smurmf* It’th a goo’ ekthprethm! *gromf* *chew* Ah herrbah copyrii’it!
>>his clothes as well, taking off his green cap,
Link: I don’t like it...but...as long as I can keep my eye on it...
>>as well as his green tunic, his undershirt, his boots and his pants.
Zelda: How many times do we think he fell over trying to take off all his clothes as fast as he could? Over/under is at twice.
>>Leaving him in his underwear, to which he soon took those off too,
Link: Woohoo!
>>leaving him completely naked and with a really big, and throbbing cock too,
DED: A really big! And throbbing cock, too!
Rauru: Damn though, if there’s ever been a story that was unpretentious and horny enough to just say a cock was “really big,” I can’t remember it...
>>which made Hilda salivate
Zelda: Ouch, your dick is gonna make her puke.
>>and she instantly felt wet between her legs.
Zelda: And piss. She took one look at your dick and she’s pissing and barfing and probably losing control of her bowels.
Link: Fuck, I...I mean I expect some level of shock and awe, but THIS...?
>>He went to help take off the rest of Hilda's clothes.
Rauru: Oh ‘cuz it’s sooo hard.
>He walked over and took off her sandals while she took off her gloves.
DED: Wait so...they’re still standing in the middle of a room, right? So he’s...kneeling, taking her sandals off, by like...lifting her feet up a bit one at a time while she stands on one leg and slipping them off? WHILE she takes her gloves off.
Zelda: Um...that would involve a lot of hopping around trying to balance, I think.
Link: Hopping around? Imminent bodily injury? SOLD!
>>Hilda giggled and Link took off her white leggings, and like he thought,
Rauru: Uh, citation needed.
>>there were a sexy pair of purple laced panties underneath.
DED: Oh, that’s why Link couldn’t see the color of the panties earlier: an unmentioned set of totally opaque leggings.
>>He looked at her and she nodded.
Link: I wonder what it means.
>>"I'll give you the honor of taking off my bra and panties..." She said lustfully.
Zelda: “Summon the color guard and the diplomatic corps! Oh, and an official notary! *Toot-too-doooo!*”
>>Link smiled, nodding eagerly too,
Rauru: What a multitasking god.
>>and wasted no time at all.
Zelda: OOOOOOOOOOOOH RUH-HEEEEEALLY.
>>He stood up and started with her bra first,
Link: Okay, okay okay, I got this, I've been studying these things.
DED: Oh?
Zelda: Go on then, impress us.
Link: Right, yeah, Step One: both the bra-wearer and the horny disrober have special keys and they have to insert them and turn them in two separate locks on other sides of the room at exactly the same instant.
Rauru: ...Nnnnnooo.
Zelda: Much closer than your last few guesses, though.
>>he reached his arms around her back, unhooked her bra and he took it off of her,
Link: Wh...right! Yes! Isn't that basically what I said?
>>letting him see her very perky breasts. Her nipples were already very hard
Rauru: FIND. MORE. ADJECTIVES.
>>just from the teasing and the anticipation of what was going to happen.
Zelda: Heh, she thinks she can anticipate Link's behavior? A fool's paradise.
>>He quickly ran his hand over them, feeling how soft yet firm they really were,
Link: "Yep, yeah, boobs, checks out...can we wrap this up pretty soon? I thought this was just going to be a quick 'hey, quest done' kinda check-in...I have other engagements..."
>>and Hilda let out a hiss,
Rauru: Like a vampire presented with a cross, or a hangry opossum.
>>loving how good his touch felt.
DED: "Touch grass" has a much more pleasing acerbic ring to it than "touch felt."
>>"Mmm... That feels... Very nice..." She moaned.
Zelda: I wonder what the author really means by this...
>>Link chuckled and went down to her panties now.
DED: Go down, Moses...way down in Lorule land...
Link: Tell ol’ Hilda, let those panties go!
>>He took a minute to run his hands down her curvaceous hips and down her thighs too, really appreciating how she maintained her figure.
Rauru: I feel like the author is making a veiled but pointed comment at somebody they know.
DED: I think that’s just poisonous cynicism seeping into our souls from the endless misery of life.
Rauru: ...I guess...
DED: I mean that’s definitely why I thought the same thing, and then I was gonna say it, but you already had.
>>Hilda sighed happily, loving the feeling of Link's hands on her,
Zelda: ...BOY she’s interesting!
>>and a few moments later, she felt as he grabbed the waistband of her panties.
Rauru: She felt, holy FUCK, what CAN’T she do?!
>>She looked down at him and he chuckled
DED: And unlike Sonic, I don’t knuckle.
>>as he slowly and teasingly slid her panties down
Rauru: How do you tease a pair of panties? Mock their inferior thread count? Cleanliness?
>>exposing her plump and really wet pussy.
Zelda: This story is really bankrupt on adjectives.
DED: Really, really bankrupt.
>>She teasingly shook it in front of him and he looked up at her.
Link: What the hell, woman? Shaking your pussy, what does that accomplish? There are other, much better things you could be shaking!
>>"Safe to say that you're really wanting this, huh?"
Zelda: “Yes, safe to be saying that I’ll be really wanting this!”
>>He asked and teasingly licked her pussy.
Rauru: Tease, tease, tease. Teasing panties, teasing pussy. Can’t you constructively criticize her pussy?
>>She giggled from what he did and nodded.
DED: Cunnilingus is comedy gold!
Zelda: And, as we all know, men aren’t as funny as they think they are.
Link: I’m exactly as funny as I think I am.
Rauru: And that is...?
Link: I don’t know, I’m too dumb!
>>"Oh, you know it..." She said.
Zelda: “If indeed you know anything...”
>>With both of them completely naked now, Link and Hilda hugged each other in a tight embrace,
Rauru: That’s what sex is? When grown-ups get naked and then hug real hard in an extra special super hug?
>>leaning forward and french kissing each other once again.
Link: But only once.
>>Hilda even moved her waiting and anxious pussy on his hard cock.
Zelda: Pussy needs to pop a Xan and chill.
Link: Hilda needs to chill-da fuck out! I’m constantly having horny princesses jump on my dick!
>>They both moaned heavily from this, Hilda pressing more against him by the second,
Rauru: It couldn’t happen not by the second, time needs to pass for her to move. I’m the Sage of Light, I put Link in a time machine, I know how time works.
>>really wanting him to take her.
Zelda: Wellllll I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want!
DED: So tell me what you want, what you really really want!
Zelda: I wanna really really really wanna really really really really really really really really want really!
>>Link let the sexual instincts he had take over him
Link: You know, the ones. With the like...mustaches...?
>>and he pinned her against the wall,
Rauru: Like one of those butterfly collections? That’s your sexual instinct?
DED: I mean those pinned butterfly boards are pretty Freudian all right.
Zelda: There are more than a few insane bug collectors in the Legend of Zelda franchise, I will admit.
>>right underneath Zelda's portrait. He looked up at Zelda's portrait,
Rauru: Being right underneath it and all.
>>knowing she was watching him
DED: If they’re doing this right underneath the portrait I don’t think Paint Zelda could actually see much of anything. How far downward can she traverse her paint eyes? She’s just going to be looking at the tops of two sweaty heads.
>>as he was about to claim Hilda as his and fuck her in front the Hyrulean princess.
Zelda: Nah, no, y’know what? I respect it. You look me in the eye as you fuck her, and seal your doom. You fucking RECKON WITH IT. Mark well my visage and remember it in your nightmares.
>>Hilda lifted her legs and immediately wrapped her arms around him,
Rauru: This was known in ancient nerd circles as “glomping.”
>>while bringing his cock to her wet and anxious pussy,
DED: Genital anxiety disorder is a growing problem among today’s teens.
>>really wanting him right now.
Zelda: Does the pussy want him or does Hilda want him? Are we in control of our gonads, or do our gonads control us?
>>"Link... Please take me and fuck me..." She begged.
DED: Take me!
Zelda: Cure me!
Link: Kill me!
Rauru: Bring me home!
DED: DUN da na na DUN da da DA DA DA DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!
>>"W-with pleasure..." Link moaned.
Zelda: “...Or without...? I’ll take ‘with,’ thanks...”
>>Not wanting to wait any longer,
DED: SAME
>>Hilda used her legs
Rauru: Overrated, I find.
Link: It really, really shows.
Rauru *stirring up a huge bowl of potato salad*: Now, if you happen to be able to uh, splice meals from alternate timelines into your own universe? That’s a way better option than walkin’ to the fridge and back. That’s what I’d go with. *NAAAUMF*
DED: Oh snap, new canon Rauru obesity lore just dropped.
Rauru: ‘Ey man, aum chust hafin’ lunch. *SMAK*
Zelda: YOU ARE ALWAYS HAVING LUNCH.
Rauru: Time is a flat circle.
>>and pushed Link's hips forward, sliding his dick inside her pussy, pretty quickly and aggressively.
Link: Not really quickly and aggressively? Just pretty?
Rauru: Are you sure?
>>"A-ahh! O-oh, Link!" She screamed out,
Zelda: “Don’t touch that! Wait you can’t! NOOOOO”
>>feeling his cock stretch her walls.
DED: Stretcher Walls, private eye.
Link: Stretcher Walls, beefy 6’10” center for the Knicks.
Rauru: Stretcher Walls, a quaint village in the English countryside.
>>"N-ngh..! F-fuck, H-Hilda!"
Zelda: Yeah! Fuck ‘er! Copying my look and my dimension, stealing my rightful dicking-down, throwing inferior balls, clumsy peasant management...
Rauru: I bet she doesn’t even have half the stuff on her menu in the back! I should go check.
>>She blushed harder, looking right at him
DED: WOW!
>>and Link went harder inside of her, gripping her plump ass,
Rauru: Gripping her plump ass, doing drive-bys, getting gang tats...
>>groping it
Zelda: Link’s always groping. If you can’t tell what he’s groping and it looks like he isn’t, then he’s just groping for meaning.
Link: I mean, aren’t we all?
Zelda: Perhaps, but HEY LET GO OF THOSE!
>>as well as holding her up.
Rauru: Yer money or yer life!
>>Hilda's screams of pleasure didn't seem like they would stop anytime soon,
DED: What exactly would a scream of pleasure that is going to stop soon “seem” like?
Zelda: Gradually Doppler-shifting and decreasing in volume, as if the screamer has just fallen off a cliff.
DED: That works.
>>she also felt as her boobs practically bounced with how hard Link was fucking her.
Link: They don’t literally bounce? Do they really have so little mass?
Rauru: Exotic simulated pseudo-bouncing using quantum particles.
Link: I mean, I’ll take this one, but...come the morning, I’m sneaking out of Princess Mosquito Bites’ bed and dipping with some waffles.
>>Link gritted his teeth, gradually going faster too.
DED: Gritting his teeth faster and faster...?
>>She had her mouth opened, her tongue hanging out and drool was leaking saliva too,
Zelda: ...“Drool was leaking saliva too.”
Rauru: So true, bestie. *slompf gnaw*
>>and Link looked back at her.
Zelda: ...‘Bout the level of involvement and care that I would expect in Link’s lovemaking.
Link: Huh?
Zelda: You’re not a very attentive lover, dear.
Link: Buh?
Zelda: TOUCH MY CLIT EVERY ONCE IN A BLUE MOON.
Link: ...Have you been helped?
>>Without hesitation,
DED: Yeah that’s the whole problem.
>>both of them leaned forward and kissed each other again, open mouths
Rauru: So true, bestie. *slorp naum*
>> and with their tongues tangled in another passionate french kiss.
DED: HOHN HOHN HOHN EET EEZ TIME FOR ZEE FUQUE AVEC LE DONG GRANDE, ZEE AUSTRALIENNES DEED NOT BUY MAH ZUBMARINES
>>Link felt as he was about to cum
Zelda: Shocking.
Link: Exqueeze me?
Zelda: WARN ME BEFORE YOU BUST IN ME LIKE A SLOB WHY DON’T YOU!
Link: Beg pardon?
>>and started to go much faster than before,
Rauru: I have no sense of REFERENCE, here! What did he start at, where is he now? Like 3 cycles per second, 5, 8? 50 RPM? 75 hertz? What’s the quantifiable value of his fuckitude?
>>his moans got louder too, and he was grunting hard like an animal,
DED: Of the millions of species in the kingdom Animalia, I would dare say most of them don’t grunt at all.
>>cursing under his breath too.
Link: Hypocrites! A thousand years of darkness upon ye! Woe unto the seventh generation! Simonists! Blasphemers! Un-Beliebers!
>>Hilda felt him go faster, and even felt as his dick was pulsating inside of her,
Rauru: Why can’t the fact that they can feel sensations just sort of be...assumed?
Zelda: If Hilda does break her neck—and I really want that to happen—THAT would be something that would make me wonder if she can still feel anything happening to her body. But until then? We have an understanding!
>>knowing he was really close.
DED: Soon...soon, he will know the great and terrible truths. Soon he will be initiated in the mysteries, and all will be revealed.
Link: Based and purple-pilled.
>>Hilda wrapped her legs tightly around Link so that he wouldn't attempt to pull out of her,
Rauru: Um...okay, that’s mildly sociopathic, but what monarch isn’t?
Link: Does she just feel entitled to my kids?
Zelda: I mean...probably, yeah? She literally owns hundreds of thousands of people. So do I. They work on land that I also own and I lease back to them.
Link: ...Do you harvest their cum without their permission?!
Zelda: Don’t need to! Whatever comes out of ‘em is mine no matter what.
>>and Link felt as he was at his limit,
DED: Good to know he can still feel feelings at his limit...I guess...
>>unable to hold himself back anymore.
Rauru: Time to hold himself forward.
>>He came inside Hilda very shortly,
Zelda: Well good! Showing some punctuality for once!
>>moaning loudly in the kiss, both of them did actually.
Link: You don’t say.
>>They were still kissing as Link was pumping his seed deep into Hilda's pussy, straight into her womb.
DED: That isn’t at all how...human anatomy works.
>>They soon broke the kiss,
Rauru: Oh my GOD, their lips and mouths stopped functioning?! How are they gonna EAT?!
>>panting as they stared lovingly into each other's eyes, and Link looked down at Hilda's soaked pussy, a bit concerned that he couldn't help himself and came inside of her.
Link: How is it my problem?
>>She noticed the look of worry he had on his face and giggled, bringing her hand over and hooked his chin to make him look at her.
Zelda: She knows how to deal with Link, I’ll give her that.
Link: Huh?
Zelda: *slaps him across the face*
Link: Ow. Oh, I understand now! You mean the slapping and stuff, like, grabbing me to make me do things. Yeah, I admit it takes a lot to get through to me these days. I mean I’ve been getting nagged at and physically brutalized for decades now, I can barely process sensory inputs at all. Just a big blur of pain and words and puzzle-solving, that’s my life. Why—
Zelda: *slaps him again*
DED: That’s the ticket.
>>"Don't worry...
Rauru: Be happy, now!
>>That's exactly what I wanted from you..." She said lustfully.
Zelda: Yes, your precious genetic material! She’s hijacking your whole-ass bloodline and you’re sleep-fucking your way into disaster, AS ALWAYS.
>>Link was shocked to hear Hilda say that,
Link: Learning that she wants me, the greatest dude ever to live, to father her children...that’s not shocking at all!
>>but he nodded, instantly feeling relief
DED: UGH, ew, don’t do THAT...
Rauru: Unless she’s into it.
>>that that was what she actually wanted. And that was what he wanted too.
Link: “We’ll name it Hildink if it’s a boy, or Lilda if it’s a girl!”
>>"A-alright..." He smiled.
DED: In fact, it’s a gas.
>>She put her legs down and turned him around
Link: ...98 bottles of beer on the wall! 98 bottles of beer on the wall...
>>so that he would be against the wall now.
Zelda: Yes, that’s what I’m trying to WARN you of! You might think you’re her close confidant, but she’s gonna have everybody against the wall when the coup shoes are on! You FOOL!
Rauru: Maybe Hilda’s just built different.
Zelda: What, worse? I dunno I’m just saying what I’d do if I were her.
DED: WE KNOW!
>>Link smiled at her and she brought her mouth down,
Link: Nice, what was its weakness? Light Arrows? Hookshot to remove it and then whack it?
>>licking and kissing down his chest and over to his stomach.
Rauru: ...to Grandmother’s house we go!
>>She lingered right on his six pack abs,
Zelda: Do they have six-packs in Lorule?
Rauru: I never see you drinking beer in the first place.
Zelda: Oh, well, yeah, you also don’t see me eating dirt, or planting crops, or anything else the peasants do. If I ever wanted to drink beer, I’d simply drink from my supply of precious, precious clean water, and laugh. And then have some malt whiskey. That’s what malt is for if you ask me.
>>running her lips on each individual ab,
DED: A methodical, house-to-house sweep!
>>kissing each one too, and Link chuckled at the playfulness Hilda showed to him just now.
Link: Yeah but when?
>>She soon got to his cock
Zelda: It’s on the agenda. Still got some things to take care of today though. Look, I’ll get to it, okay?
>>and started to suck on it slowly,
Rauru: Sweet salty saltimbocca!
DED: You gotta give these things time, dude.
>>looking up at Link, but also looked at Zelda's painting,
Link: What, splitting her eyeballs like a chameleon?
>>loving the fact that Zelda had no choice but to watch everything,
Zelda: Pfft, you think I can’t just daydream? I’m the most powerful daydreamer the world has ever known. I haven’t been watching this lame blowjob, I’ve been iteratively hallucinating thousands of strategies to subjugate Hilda and her wretched kingdom, winnowing them in probabilistic mindscape combat with each other, performing millions of calculations per second like a supercomputer.
Rauru: Thaaaaat’s great.
Zelda: It is!
>>which made Hilda that much more hot.
DED: Perhaps the picture is located near a heating duct, such that she has to crouch over it while blowjobbing if she wants to be positioned where Zelda the Painting can see.
Zelda: Either that or I’m finally manifesting fire upon her after weeks of concentration.
>>She sucked a little harder,
Rauru: I’m impressed she found a way to.
>>soon putting his entire tip in her mouth.
Zelda: Only 3 Rupees on a 40-Rupee bill? Fuckin’ cheapskate.
>>Link meanwhile, tried biting his lip to suppress any moans, but it didn't work.
Link: Story of my life. Which I tell continuously, whenever I get bored. Which is often! So what was it I was recently talking about not working? Oh yes, the cheese railgun! So I carved out a few dozen more...
>>"Oh, H-Hilda..!"
DED: Aww HIL naw!
>>She smiled and brought her hands up
Rauru: On charges.
>>and started squeezing her slightly bigger C-cup boobs on his dick,
Zelda: The fuck does that mean? I mean, obviously I assume they mean bigger than mine, since clearly this story takes place in a world of twisted vicious fallacy. A.K.A. Lorule.
Link: Slightly bigger...than they were a second ago? Growing? AwROOOOga! GaHOOOYNga! Kabroinkle!
DED: ...Please.
Link: Zelda, you can shapeshift all the way into a ninja twink, it ought to be child’s play to grow bigger boobs! How come that’s never on the table?
Zelda: I’ll use magic to alter my body for your sexual enjoyment if and only if I can also alter yours for mine.
Link: ...Never mind.
Zelda: And I assure you, I’m a lot more creative than you are.
Link: OKAY, never mind!
Zelda: Bwahaha.
>>not only giving him a blowjob, but a titjob too.
DED: Not just a blowjob but a titjob too, gee willikers!
Rauru: “Gee willikers?” Is that what it’s called when girls do that move?
>>Link moaned louder when she did this and he looked down at her,
Zelda: Oh, so he has to look down on people to get off, huh?
Link: Uhhhhhhh...
Zelda: ...
Link: UHHHHHH MA’AM...?
Zelda: ...Okay shut up move on.
>>watching as she was pleasuring him with both her mouth and her breasts.
DED: A three-pronged attack on his boner.
>>He brought his hand down and ran his fingers through her hair,
Link: I mean if I’m gonna wife this bitch up I need to check her hair and her teeth and shit, make sure she’s got basic hygiene down.
>>and it took every bit of his willpower to not thrust inside her mouth.
Rauru: But, since he has none, he thrust inside her mouth.
Zelda: What’s the big deal anyway?
>>Hilda really enjoyed the gesture that Link was doing knowing that he really really liked, scratch that, loved what she was doing.
DED: I’d scratch all of this and do a big rewrite.
>>She sucked his cock and rubbed her boobs faster, wanting Link to cum again, and Link tried to hold back from cumming as usual,
Rauru: See, right there, this relationship is off to a bad start! They don’t know how to communicate and their desires are at cross-purposes! Call me old-fashioned, but I think this is why it’s a good idea to start off with a date at the malt shoppe, where you can get to know a person. Not just doing an unrelated quest and then hardcore fucking each other.
Link: Well, I mean, you would prefer a malt shoppe, that’s self-evident.
>>but also like usual, he was failing
Zelda: ...Wow, iconic.
>>and was really close too.
DED: On the verge of another failure? Yeah, he just lurches from one to the next...
Link: ALL right, all right, sheesh...just because a few railgun prototypes get gummed up with brie and spew burning cheese chunks everywhere...
Rauru: They’re clean now, by the way. *slurp* Totally clean. In case you wanted to try again.
>>After a while, Link moaned and he came again, right in Hilda's mouth.
DED: Just like the Lord Jesus Christ, too, shall come again, right in our mouths.
Rauru: In nomine deez nuts.
>>She moaned happily, her cheeks puffed out when his cum exploded in her mouth.
Zelda: ...Oh my GOD! I’m so sorry! I only fed Link those novelty exploding semen pills because I thought there was no way they were legit!
Link: I vow to use my new weapon only for justice.
>>She eagerly sucked his dick, taking in every last drop of cum he had,
Rauru: Hold on, lemme check in back...
>>not wanting a single drop to go to waste,
DED: Like many insects and cephalopods, she can store his sperm in a special organ and self-inseminate at her convenience.
>>and she swallowed every drop that went in her mouth,
Zelda: You...JUST said that...
>>looking up at him and showed him her mouth, taking her tongue out too and letting him see that she did indeed swallow every bit of his cum.
Link: All RIGHT already! I don’t care, this is all you just showing off!
>>Link panted and Hilda pulled herself back, letting go of her boobs,
Rauru: And so they drifted away, never to be seen again.
>>which were soaked in his cum a little and some even dribbled down her mouth and onto her chin.
DED: GRIPPING.
>>"Mmm... That was... Amazing..." Link moaned.
Link: “As in, ‘I am amazed you didn’t bungle a simple blowjob.’”
>>She giggled, and Link laid her down on her back,
Zelda: So they’re like...lying on the floor now? In front of my painting? She’s sacrificing that much comfort just to spite me? ...Good, I guess...
>>making her yelp a bit, wondering where he had gotten this sudden energy from.
DED: Well, what did he eat for breakfast that day?
Link: Oh, my go-to adventuring power meal? I thought you’d never ask: Kale and blueberry smoothie, activated almonds, three quarts of apple cider vinegar, four mouthfuls of raw game meat (any), and usually something like a pebble or a chunk of fabric, but that’s not on purpose.
>>She looked down at him but looked back up,
Rauru: What a rollercoaster this is.
>>moaning as Link almost immediately came down and started eating out her pussy.
DED: Come on down! You’re the next contestant on The Price Is Fuck!
>>"Mmh... O-oh, L-Link..." Hilda moaned.
Zelda: “C-could you...work night shift next week...we’re really short-staffed...”
>>Link loved hearing her moans and loved that she was really enjoying this too.
Link: I also love grilled sausages and playing with my bow and arrows.
Rauru: You are a menace to society with that thing.
Link: And I’m lovin’ it!
>>She tried biting her lip to suppress anymore of her moans, but her attempts failed,
Rauru: Was it an inside job?!
Link: Well, there IS something “inside...”
DED: What if “inside job” is just slang for vanilla sex, in the vein of “titjob” and “blowjob?”
>>much like Link's.
Zelda: So very, very many of Link’s.
Link: Progress and amusement cannot be achieved without failures! So anyway the magnetic flux of the cheese railgun was shorting out the...
Rauru: —Next time wrap the cheese in a layer of bacon!
>>He kept eating her out, making her eyes shoot open,
DED: It’s incredibly shocking he kept doing what he was doing already!
>>and she let out a heartfelt scream that could be heard just outside of Lorule Castle.
Rauru: Cripes, if she’s in THAT much distress, I ought to just put a pneumatic bolt through her brainstem and kill her humanely like beef cattle.
DED: ...Yikes! Also, you just had to get in the food connection, huh?
Rauru (eating a cartoonish T-bone steak held up by a single fork): Animalsh shlautered eshically tashte behhur. *nomph grumph*
>>He could feel as her pussy tightened around his tongue,
Link: “Ah neehd ih bahk! Shtoff! Ih ithin’t faaneh!”
>>and that only encouraged Link to keep going and to go faster too.
Zelda: As we’ve shown, physical violence is usually more effective at that.
Rauru: He may not be smart but he does have at least some kind of pain receptors.
>>Hilda bit her lips,
DED: Wh...you can’t bite both your lips at once! You can only bite a lip, y’know, sexily! You can’t just suck both your lips into your mouth like you’re in a cartoon and you ate a lemon!
>>letting out scattered but loud whimpers as she tried to hold back from cumming
Rauru: Loud but scattered whimpers, winds northeasterly about 4 knots, maximum 4 meters of swell.
>>as best she could.
Link: If you replace “cumming” with “dying” the sentence remains exactly as true...
>>After a few moments though, she soon screamed in pleasure
DED: After a few moments, a few more moments passed, and then...
>>and came all over Link's tongue and all over his face too.
Zelda: But not his lips or his teeth? Interesting.
>>Link slowly pulled his tongue back,
Rauru: I have never restrained my tongue in any way.
>>looking up at Hilda and started licking her clitoris teasingly,
DED: I’m APPALLED by this sick, manipulative, insincere clit-licking! I demand earnestly supportive oral sex!
>>making her buck her hips from this amazing feeling.
Link: Why do her hips want to get away from the amazingness? Come back here!
>>He pulled back and looked at her and she was a panting mess, as was he.
Zelda: They are a panting mess, while I’m stuck as a painting lass.
>>He then crawled up towards her and they both stared lovingly at each other, before they closed the gap between them,
Rauru: Only physically. Intellectual, moral, and hygienic gaps are only widening.
>>engaging in a very intimate and passionate french kiss once again,
DED: As opposed to a tepid French kiss delivered telepathically from across the room.
>>and Link brought his hard and aching cock towards Hilda's wet and anxious pussy.
Link: What body parts can be anxious, and why? Like, okay I get it, your holes can be anxiously waiting to be penetrated. I guess your leg could be anxious if it's shaking because you're nervous.
Zelda: Your face-parts are what show the emotion of anxiety...
DED: But, for instance, I would never say "Hilda's anxious pancreas." It just wouldn't conjure up an image.
Rauru: "Hilda's Anxious Pancreas" conjures up the image of some insufferable alt-rock band.
>>They both blushed, and Hilda loved that even after cumming twice, he was still very hard, and Link was proud enough to brag about it as well.
Link: Do I get a line bragging about it? Nope?
>>In any case,
Zelda: Such as this fine hard-sided Swiss leather attaché.
>>he slid inside of her once again and they both moaned in the kiss,
DED: Are you moanin’ in the kiiiiiiss? Stowin’ away the tiiiiiiiime...
>>and Link wasted no time thrusting as fast and as hard as he could inside her.
Zelda: That sounds almost believable...
>>Hilda herself felt a little overwhelmed, considering she just came moments ago, but that was the best part for her.
Rauru: Excess is the best part of decadence? You’ll get no pushback from me.
>>She wrapped her arms and legs around Link as tightly as she could, she had her eyes closed as they were still kissing.
Link: WHY are you TELLING me ANY OF THIS?!? BWAAAGGHHH
>>"M-mmm..! Mmmhh..!"
Zelda: Mlurp slurp murpidy-derp!
DED: We’re being literally driven insane by the clunkiness of this prose. Send help.
>>Hilda held onto Link and the Hero started fucking her, not even hesitating
Rauru: Well, good, right?
>>and going at a rather fast but tamed pace,
Link: Like a horse! Or, like...a...trained weasel!
>>but that wouldn't last long with how eager he was.
Zelda: Nor would Hilda’s fragile champagne glasses.
>>Hilda was just as eager as Link and really wanted for him to be as savage as he wanted to,
DED: I appreciate her respect for his autonomy, clunky as it’s worded.
>>she wouldn't mind nor would she dare try to stop him.
Link: ‘sRIGHT.
>>They broke the kiss for a moment and Hilda looked at Link,
Zelda: “Y’know now that I look closely at you, what was I even thinking? The lighting must have been really generous over there or something.”
>>his eyes closed but she could see the look of contorted pleasure on his face
Rauru: The pleasure itself is contorted...?
DED: I mean, I would call this “twisted,” but like...
>>as he rammed inside of her.
Zelda: The ram can make ewe feel good!
>>"L-Link... D-don't stop, and f-fill me..." She begged him.
Link: Doooon’t stop, belieeeeving! Hold on to that fiiiiiilliiiiiiinnng!
>>"I-I wouldn't d-dream of it.."
Rauru: Wait, wouldn’t dream of which? Stopping or filling? There are two separate things! Hey!
>>Link kept going, only going faster as the time passed,
DED: Well that’s thermodynamically impossible.
>>making him and Hilda get louder and louder.
Zelda: Hellacious jet-engine noise reverberating through the castle until it starts shaking apart...
>>They both felt the tip of his cock poke in and out of her womb,
Link: Nnnnahhh.
Zelda: The womb entrance is like, microscopically small. You can’t do this no matter how pornoriffic you think your cock is, and if you do, she’ll die.
>>which drove Hilda over the edge.
Rauru: What a bad driver.
>>She shot her eyes open, and let out a really loud scream of pleasure.
DED: She decided to, all on her own.
>>"AAAH! L-LINK!"
Zelda: “THAT’S NOT LUBE IT’S LIME JUICE! AAAAAAA”
Rauru: “THAT FLAVOR PAIRING WON’T WORK ANYWAY AAAAHH”
>>Link was gritting his teeth from how good this all felt to him.
Link: As I am known to do.
>>He went back to kiss Hilda again,
Rauru: D’oh! Forgot.
DED: “...did I leave the oven on?!”
>>french kissing her again in fact,
Zelda: Well, in fiction. This is all fictional.
DED: This is in fact a fictitious version of something already fictional.
>>and she immediately returned the kiss.
Link: Serve, volley, volley. This is just like a Ganon fight.
>>Her pussy started tightening around his dick, and their moans could only get louder and louder
DED: Well now, by getting louder, the moans are also getting more and more other things. Like “annoying,” and “disruptive.”
>>since they couldn't talk at the moment, but they didn't care.
Rauru: WOW IT’S UNANIMOUS THEN
>>They were in too much bliss with each other and neither of them wanted to stop.
DED: They’ve gone...TOO FAR.
Link: Yo what if you nutted so hard that it summoned, like, Timecops, but for nutting, like if you ever nut so hard it might break reality they come and give you a stern talking-to?
Rauru: ...Huh, I thought you were going somewhere further-sexual with that.
>>Their climax would soon reach however,
DED: “The laugh overed, quickly, though”
>but they managed to keep going and savored every last second with each other as much as they could.
Rauru: At least you can take comfort in the fact that their last seconds with each other are ticking away.
Zelda: There can never be too few.
Link: Hey I feel like we’re interdimensional soulmates and all, but just for the record, why are you such a psycho possessive terrorbitch g.f. to me?
Zelda: ...Dave, if your boyfriend was a critical national security asset who is a basically a nuclear bomb that could walk around and had very poor judgment, and you were the President, how would you—
DED: —Yeah I see the point you’re making. I’m not gay...?
Zelda: Shut up and work with me here, peasant!
DED: I shan’t! Second of all, if I were the President, I’d abolish half the government and send cartoon robot tentacles with big white gloved hands to Elon Musk’s house and grab him and turn him upside-down and shake him until all his money fell out.
Rauru: ...Okay.
>>After a while, which was admittedly longer than either of them expected,
Link: But not as long a while as, I dunno, “a stretch.”
Rauru: But longer than a moment.
DED: Much less long than an age.
Link: Maybe like a quick sec?
Rauru: Nah, longer. More like a pause.
Link: Yes but what did they expect? See it’s longer than either of them expected. What if instead of a while, they expected...a span?
DED: Ahh, good point. EXCELLENT point.
Zelda: ...No it isn’t!
DED: It’s not, but it feels like one.
Zelda: SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME DUMBER AND CRAZIER!
Link: Oh like it’s my fault.
>>Link came inside Hilda,
Rauru: You could have just written this. This is it, this is the whole story right here, the rest is just garnish. And let me tell you, garnish can be delightful to look at and mildly delicious, but never, BUT NEVER, a true foodstuff!
DED: Yeah do a real Hemmingway with it. “For sale: female condom, never used.”
>>both of them still making out,
Zelda: Like a bandit!
Link: ...do bandits kiss a lot in a really horny way?
DED: I would...assume...
>>and deepening the kiss more while Link shot his cum deep inside of her once again.
Rauru: Yeah, really deep, this ten-minute-old romance of theirs.
>>Their
cum mixed together and some even splashed outside of Hilda, making a
mess on both of their hips and on the floor too.
Zelda: The incredible historic mosaic floor of Lorule Castle USED to be a tourist attraction...
>>Link slowly pulled out and they broke the kiss with each other.
Rauru: “They broke the kiss with each other” is sure...words...
>>Hilda cuddled up to Link, nuzzling her head on his chest and Link put his arms around her and held her close to him.
Link: While standing up, right? Near Zelda’s portrait? Or are we lying on the cum-stained floor to cuddle now? See, I just get the feeling that authors keep forgetting where their erotica participants are physically located.
Zelda: As I’ve said, I always just assume a quantum superposition of fucking, like one of those cartoon-ball-of-dust fights.
>>"That... Was wonderful..." Hilda said between moans.
DED: “It was definitely wonderful, you should believe that my pussy is supreme. It was. You think so.”
>>"It... It sure was..."
Rauru: Simple as.
>>Hilda let out a small laugh and Link looked at her.
"What's so funny..?"
Link: “I was trying to fuck you in a clownish and amusing way, so I’m glad that came through!”
>>"Oh, nothing... Just the fact that you're mine now and no one else's..."
Zelda: Oh, it’s THAT kind of laugh. Well, laugh while you can, motherfucker.
>>He laughed too and nodded in agreement.
DED: Nodded...in agreement...yes, yes...by jove it all adds up...!
Rauru: But what the devil’s the meaning of those little dots that sometimes appear at the foot of a word, Holmes?
>>"That's right... I'm yours and yours alone... My queen..."
Link: Yaaasss, queen. Let us slay.
>>Hilda gasped when he said that to her, but she was very happy nonetheless.
Zelda: In spite of everything that’s happened to her in this story...
>>"Oh, Link... I know that with you by my side forever... Lorule can once again return to its former glory…"
Rauru: All shall tremble as we once more get Lo, get Lo get Lo get Lo.
DED: Sound the trumpets, from the windooooooooooooooows...to the walls!
Link: ...AWWWW SKEET SKEET MUTHAFUKKAAAAA!
Rauru: Now you’ve gone too far and ruined it.
Zelda: Link, ruined it, going too far? It boggles the mind!
>>She smiled.
Link did too and wrapped his arms around Hilda and held her close.
Link: All I ever wanted was love. Instead I just get non-stop vag.
>>"I'll be here every step of the way to help make sure that happens..."
Zelda: “Well, okay, I need to work out some deliverables...it’s gonna probably take some time before—look just stand down for now, okay, and we’ll circle back at our team meeting.”
>>She giggled and looked up at the portrait of Zelda,
Rauru: Oh is Zelda gonna get older and older every time Hilda cums? Or...wait, how did that story go? It was basically that, right?
>>a scowl came across her face before it morphed into a grin that said she had something planned, something bad specifically for the Hyrulean princess.
DED: Words contain meanings that are conveyed in the way the text reads.
>>"There's just one thing left to do... We must make Zelda disappear...
Rauru: You could just...flip her so she’s facing the wall...
>>I say we keep her in that portrait so that she won't interfere in any of our plans to move ahead and make Lorule a better place once again..."
Zelda: You think I can’t kill you as a painting?! HUH?!
>>Link put his hand on Hilda's shoulder and held her close.
Link: I already was, but okay, I’m glad I still am.
Rauru: Yeah just re-initiate the hug animation a second time to make sure.
>>"I think I have a better idea..." He chuckled.
DED: I bet you don’t!
>>"I say we spare her and let her out of that portrait. But... Well..."
He whispered the idea to Hilda's ear.
Link: *hsshhsasfufsfpineapplesafdfshsfhsshoveduptheadfsfhafhasshshtieittoadoorknobandyashshs...*
>>At first she was in disagreement,
Rauru: I disagree!
>>but then thought about it and with some extra encouraging words from Link,
Link: Ooooh, busting out the extra-encouraging words.
Rauru: Home, home on the range! Where your rivals are trapped in the paint! And where never is heard a discouraging word, and the royalty bones ‘til they faint!
>>she agreed and they both looked up and smirked at Zelda's portrait, or more specifically, Zelda herself.
Zelda: Oh, it’s game over now, fuckers. You’re gonna let me out, but only as some perverted sex thing, right? THAT’s your sneaky little fucking plan?
DED: Seems like, bu—
Zelda: You idiots. You absolute rubes. As if that wasn’t exactly what I was planning on. As if I haven’t devised THOUSANDS of ways to kill people with sex.
>>This would be the beginning of Lorule's victorious reign as well as Lorule's return to glory,
Rauru: Is that really all it takes? The right painting on the wall?
Link: Oh, oh, would it ruin the glory of my new kingdom if I put up some titty wallscrolls?
>>and the end of Hyrule's kingdom.
Zelda: .............
DED: Are you just gonna seethe?
Zelda: ...I’m gonna seethe a little.
DED: O-okay.
Zelda: ...ALL RIGHT, hear me out: I’ve been a good sport about all the stories of me being raped by monsters and futanari Gerudo goddesses and fucking Midna over and over...
Rauru: Yeah...
Link: Fair...
Zelda: ...But I am NOT gonna just sit here and take a story about a FUCKING coup d'état against me!!
DED: Oh, go on then!
Zelda: I will! First of all, I’d have known that Link would betray me with his boner, that’s a soft lob. I’d have planned for ALL of this. Perhaps some kind of magical seal on Link’s balls that would turn his semen into subtle mind-control juice to take that bitch down.
Link: Um—
Zelda: SHE THOUGHT SHE’D BE FUCKING ME BUT I’D BE COUNTER-FUCKING HER AT HER OWN GAME! NO ONE FUCKS WITH PRINCESS ZELDA!!
Rauru: CHILL OUT, sweet baby child!
Zelda: It is my LIFELONG CIVIC DUTY to crush all enemies of the state. Whatta you know? You’re just on the hook to guard the space-time continuum and it seems like all you need to do to accomplish that is to eat never-ending meals conjured from across history.
Rauru (stuffing mouth full of quail eggs): Shee? We all haff our burdensh.
Zelda: Cut me some slack, I’m kinda on edge! How would you feel about being usurped by a palette-swap of yourself?!
DED: I mean I’d find it creepy, but I’m not a video game character.
Link: I’d befriend my palette swaps and go on a Four Swords Adventure with them! Why don’t you just do that?
Zelda: I’LL PUT HER KINGDOM TO THE SWORD FOUR TIMES OVER FOR THIS ATROCITY!
Rauru: At least she has a hobby that takes the heat off of us.
