In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space
We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:
Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “Real recognizes real!”
Rauru! “Two Number 9s, a Number 9 large...”
Zelda! “A coup d’thot!”
Link! “Come on and slam, and welcome to the jam!”
If you don’t get how he stays alive
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!
“Secrets In The Sand” by ChocolateCookieCream
>>Not only did Zelda feel safest wrapped in Urbosa's arms,
Rauru: WHOA, HUGE slam on Reynolds Wrap RIGHT out of the gate!
>>she also had never felt happier.
Zelda: Ehh, y’know what? I am kinda chipper. We got probable sex partners right away, it’s BotW so Midna is nowhere to be canonically found, and it doesn’t seem to revolve around A CENTURY OF RAPE, so, fuck it, yeah, call me optimistic!
Link: Sure!
Zelda: But also remember that I’m very very very very very good at lying.
Link: ...Sure!
Zelda: ...Even to myself...
Link: ...Cheers bro I’ll drink to that! Rauru can I have a swig of ranch dressing real quick?
Rauru: Why, I’ve anticipated that very need!
>>Despite her muscular physique and towering presence, the Gerudo Chief's embrace was always tender and caring.
DED: I mean, you can’t spell “tenderizing and scarring” without “tender and caring.”
Link: Or “zinger at nads!”
>>Often, Zelda would find herself drifting to sleep
DED: ...Initial Z!
Link: Sleepy sleep girl, take melatonin! Sleepy sleep girl, as cozy as can be! Sleepy sleep girl, ev-a-ry night and day, sleep dust on my faaaaace!
Zelda: Aaaaabs, abs, ABS! I wanna sleep on the abs, TONIIIIIGHT, alright, and be real comfy! Yeeaaaah, yeah, YEAH! And be asleep in a flash! Gonna be a sweet dream!
Rauru: Sleeping in the PJs! It’s the new way we like to be! We’re just sleeping in the PJs, yes I wanna know, yes I wanna sleep!
>>as the two of them stared up at the night sky to watch the stars.
Link: Tonight, at the glamorous Academy Awards!
>>The cool air brushed against her skin
DED: Amongst other things.
>>as she rested her head on Urbosa's chest.
Rauru: That slut. I heard there were already fifteen men on Urbosa’s chest, yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum.
>>In the distance, she could see Gerudo Town illuminated by the fire lamps scattered throughout the streets.
Link: Good old reliable fire. So much better than ancient Sheikah plasma emitters or whatever.
>>It was Zelda's idea for her and Urbosa to find a secluded spot so that they could enjoy time to themselves.
Zelda: Wow, I invented privacy! Another in a long list of brilliant inventions.
>>However, Urbosa would only agree to this arrangement under the condition that they remained close to the town so that her warriors would be ready to protect the princess if needed.
Rauru: Always awkward when you have to bring your goons and thugs along on a date.
Zelda: Let me tell you.
>>Although, Zelda was certain that Urbosa could protect her by herself.
DED: FROM herself? No.
>>Still, no one was around to disturb them.
Link: Monsters, on the other hand, they’re goddamn EVERYWHERE, so...
>>They could talk to their heart's content.
Zelda: What if my heart is only contented by bitterness and schemes?
Rauru: “What if?”
Zelda: Yeah like what if, hypothetically, I were a hollow pathetic construct of soulless superficial grandeur, incapable of joy and happiness and feeling only a sullen and cynical schadenfreude at the unfolding disaster of living existence?
Rauru: Sounds miserable.
Zelda: Okay, that’s what I thought too. Just checking.
>>But, Zelda found it difficult to bring up the next conversation
Link: Can’t speak, mouth full of boob, lesbianly.
>>as her thoughts were clouded by new knowledge she had attained.
DED: Delved a little too deep into the ancient secrets of Hyrule, huh?
Zelda: It’s an occupational hazard.
Link: As for me, well, I’ve got enough hazards in my life. Hard pass.
>>She had discovered something about herself and her relationship with Urbosa.
Rauru: Look, incest is just inevitable when you have a global caste of nobles who only breed with other nobles. As long as you’re no closer than, oh, second cousins, you’re probably fine.
Zelda: Oh, I’m not gonna have her baby. Lmao.
>>It delighted her.
DED: Come on down! Step right up! Thrills and delights for just one thin dime!
>>But, she was unsure of how Urbosa would react if she knew that Zelda had discovered the truth.
Zelda: Oh, you mean information warfare and psyops against Urbosa in the event that my spies are counter-detected? That’s Plan Vermillion, go look in the secret doomsday filing cabinet. It should all be color coded.
Link: ...What the fuck is “vermillion?”
Zelda: Oh, never mind.
Link: Sounds like the name of some lame-ass evil usurper vizier that I have to defeat just to prove that Ganon is behind everything, AGAIN.
>>After what felt like hours of silence,
Rauru: ...Was it hours of silence?
>>Zelda felt Urbosa shift beneath her.
Link: Disengaging the clutch, selecting a new gear, and re-engaging the clutch while matching RPM to road speed for smooth changes.
>>''You seem lost, little bird. Is there something on your mind?''
DED: “Lying atop my torso isn’t convenient to any of the shops or amenities, what are you doing here? Was there no street parking closer to town?
>>Zelda had to think quickly.
Zelda: Poison? No, too uncertain, Gerudos are inhuman giants...some kind of collapsing floor? Dubious...
Link: Hey, why can’t I be your spymaster sometime? I have LOTS of good ideas!
>>How could she start this discussion with Urbosa without scaring her?
Zelda: “...Urbosa, would you still love me if I turned into a worm?”
Rauru: “What’s a worm?”
Zelda: “It’s...you know, the wriggly ropey things that live in dirt...?”
Rauru: “...What’s dirt?”
Zelda: “Remember I showed you that thick brown clumpy kind of sand with green stuff on top?”
Rauru: “OOOOOOH yeeeaaah!”
>>She thought of the one thing that made both their hearts flutter. ''I was thinking of my mother.
Zelda: “What a stone-cold copper-bottom bitch she was. Just a tremendous jackass and a clown. The only thing more pathetic than her was her endless stream of illicit lov—”
>>The two of you were close, right?''
''We were.'' Urbosa sighed.
Zelda: “...Oh. Yeah! That’s cool, that’s cool, I was talking about my other mother, the...male one. Heh, I guess that would make him my father, actually! Weird. Anyway...”
>>The Gerudo Chief's tone was strong and assured.
Link: Like her abs! Mmm-MMMM! Grate cheese on that tone of voice.
>>But, Zelda could feel her sadness. ''Intimately?''
DED: “Sadly, yes.”
>>She felt Urbosa flinch. The taller woman shifted
Link: VRRRRRMMM, brrrrmmmmmm, skreeeeeeeee!
>>so that she was sitting upwards whilst still holding Zelda close to her. ''Princess?
Zelda: “Yyyyyyyyo!”
>>What has brought about this interest in my relationship with your mother?''
Rauru: “Just who is this ‘Yo Mama’ anyway? I’ve heard nothing but ghastly things about Yo Mama.”
>>Zelda looked up at her. ''Everyone has always been so focused on my own feelings toward my mother's passing…has anyone taken any consideration into how you felt?''
DED: ...Wait, “taken any consideration into?”
>>Urbosa tore her eyes away from Zelda so that she could stare up at the sky.
Link: For freedom! Keep watching the skies! Always remember, Soviet nuclear bombers could be here any moment!
>>Her lip twitched into a slight smile.
Zelda: She’s real twitchy and flinchy tonight. Hmmmmmm...
>>''I do not dwell on what I have lost.
Rauru: “Look, I’m kinda dumb.”
>>I only want to look back fondly on the time we did spend together.''
DED: Hey wait, this story is doing that thing where it’s two apostrophes and not a quotation mark. The curse of the broken Shift key!
>>''I can imagine that you two were inseparable.'' Zelda smiled.
Zelda: “In fact, I am.”
>>As Urbosa's gaze was fixed on the stars above,
DED: We gave her a grant to study galactic nebulae, she BETTER be...
>>Zelda's eyes travelled elsewhere.
Link: Guhhbye! Bawn voy-ah-jee! Ah-bee-en-toe! Buhbye now! Don’t fugghet ta write!
>>Her dearest friend never left without her warrior wear.
Rauru: Always rotate your warriors every 10,000 miles so they wear evenly.
>>Zelda caught her reflection on Urbosa's metallic top.
Zelda: I’VE GOT YOU AT LAST!
>>The flower crest was a beautiful example of expert craftsmanship.
Link: If you do say so yourself.
>>Zelda's sight drifted further down, coming upon Urbosa's powerful build.
DED: But enough about Elden Ring.
>>Her ab muscles were utterly bewitching.
Rauru: Eheeheeheeheeheee! Double, double, toil and trouble, thighs of thicc and butt of bubble! By the crunching of these abs, something wicked this way dabs! *dabs*
>>The princess was unable to resist the temptation of touching her firm, dark skin.
Zelda: I mean I’m already...lying on top of her...touching her with the entire surface of my body...
>>Her fingers danced over the muscular bumps.
DED: Hit the griddy then do some lesbionics.
>>Urbosa looked down at Zelda, shuddering in response to her touches.
Rauru: “Eeeuuugh, PLEASE, keep your freakish tiny hands to yourself!”
>>''Princess?''
Zelda: Marchioness? Tsarevich?
>>''Tell me more about my mother.'' Zelda pleaded.
Link: We all know she has to exhaust this dialogue branch before it triggers the sex scene...
>>She continued to caress Urbosa's stomach.
DED: Trying to get her to regurgitate more food.
>>''Please, Urbosa.''
Rauru: “Very well. It were fivescore a year and three gone, when first mine eyes did cross that pale and slender wench...”
>>Much to the princess's surprise, Urbosa smiled at her.
Zelda: Am I a clown, do I amuse you?!
>>She could have easily stopped her.
Link: Fight! Fight! Fight!
>>Yet, she allowed Zelda the opportunity to explore her body, even as her hands roamed further downward.
Zelda: Yeah, and that’s not the only territory of hers I’m planning to seize by force.
>>Zelda quickly glanced down at the chief's skirt and noticed the growing tent between her legs.
DED: Frankly it would be counterintuitive for her to not have a girl-cock.
Link: A gock?
Rauru: Yeah a she-nis.
Zelda: Female peenail.
>>''You remind me of her,'' Urbosa said. ''Your drive to protect those you love. The hope in your eyes that rallies others to your course.''
Rauru: “Your slammin’ tits and your more-or-less-tolerable personality...”
>>''Do I remind you of her in other ways?''
DED: “Well, like...how many ways do you need to hear? Fuck, I dunno, ways! VARIOUS ways. I’m not gonna just sit here and list hundreds of things off the top of my—”
>>Zelda felt her heart pounding against her chest.
Link: Oh like THAT’S so special.
>>It was difficult for her to breathe as she let her hand rest on Urbosa's hard bulge.
Zelda: And...all the rest of my body, resting on her various bulges...
>>She flinched at first contact.
DED: Why? It’s a fine Star Trek film.
>>Despite the chief's length being hidden beneath her skirt, Zelda could tell that she was large.
Rauru: “I see you’ve noticed my giant cock. I mean I am giant, and it is my cock, it’s a giant’s cock. A giant cock. But I also have, like, giant furniture and eat giant snacks. I’m trying to manage expectations here.”
>>The bulge continued to rise. It was begging to be touched.
Link: Is it...not...being...?
>>Slowly, Zelda brought her hand back down onto it and started to rub it up and down.
Zelda: Oooh, I see what’s going on. I grabbed her cock, then I flinched off it like “whoa I grabbed her cock,” and then I grabbed it again because I have no pattern recognition skills.
>>Her head was numb as she stroked the concealed cock,
DED: Head-On! Apply directly to the forehead!
>>feeling it grow to even more ludicrous lengths.
Rauru: LUDICROUS SPEED!
>>She licked her lips and her pupils dilated.
DED: Her pores emitted sweat and her heart couldn’t stop beating. Peristaltic contractions continued to move a bolus of poop through her intestine.
>>Urbosa's body rose and fell with every sharp breath.
Link: Carefully judging the sharpness of each breath and refusing, REFUSING I tell you, to allow her body to rise and fall on any breath not sharp enough.
>>Urbosa placed her hand under Zelda's chin and tilted her head so that they were staring into each other's eyes.
Rauru: “Now listen here you little shit,”
>>''I understand what you are implying, little bird.
Zelda: Swallow, finch, European nuthatch, something along those lines.
>>But, do not compare yourself to her when it comes to the unification of passionate lovers.
DED: “BOY do you have a long way to go.”
>>I would have had you both if I could.''
Rauru: Okay, mildly unethical of you to say...
Link: “...If it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
>>A whimper escaped from Zelda.
Zelda: Put out an all-points bulletin.
>>She didn't know how much more of this she could take.
DED: Wow me either!
>>How was Urbosa still in control despite being on the receiving end of her sensual touches?
Rauru: Why it’s almost as though you completely suck at foreplay!
>>Zelda couldn't wait any longer.
Zelda: I’m calling RIGHT NOW for HUGE SAVINGS!
>>She reached under Urbosa's skirt and pulled it up.
Link: Afterward, witnesses describe a blinding flash of light and just a few seconds of eerie silence before a deafening roar began.
>>She gasped loudly as Urbosa's cock sprung up
DED: ...And you were expecting...?
>>and stood erect like a raised sword.
Link: Yeah, sure, right, swords are cylindrical and banana-shaped. I should know.
>>Zelda couldn't believe her eyes.
Zelda: A sale on LEGO?! LEGO never goes on sale!
>>The chief's cock was beyond massive.
Rauru: Why it was downright big.
>>The incredibly thick shaft was throbbing with anticipation.
DED: Of the latest hog futures prospectus.
>>Succulent pre-cum leaked from the tip and rolled down the length.
Rauru: Isn’t that lovely! Now you’ll want to let that rest at room temperature for about 20 minutes, preferably on a wire cookie tray.
>>How did she keep something so big effortlessly hidden?
Link: Why, plot contrivance, my dear fellow!
Zelda: No, this is a state military secret, I have to uncover the truth!
>>Zelda lay on her front and scooted closer to Urbosa's cock.
DED: And so unfolded another ancient Sheikah magi-tech scooter tragedy.
>>Its shadow completely covered the princess's face.
Link: Baby, in this world we all live in the shadow of somebody’s cock.
Rauru: ...Wat?
Link: If you don’t know whose, then it must be your own.
>>She used both hands to grab it.
DED: Used hands to grab it, huh...?
>>Her electrifying touches made Urbosa shiver.
Zelda: ‘Specially with the new stun baton I invented.
>>''Did you and my mother spend many nights together?'' Zelda asked.
Rauru: “...Yes...?”
Zelda: “Four?”
Rauru: “More than that.”
Zelda: “...Six?”
>>''Our expression of love was not for the moon's gaze alone.''
DED: ...the fuck kinda answer is THAT?!
Link: They were exhibitionists? They had an OnlyFans?
>>Urbosa moaned as Zelda ran her tongue along the underside of her cock.
Rauru: Ha! Classic Urbosa right there.
>>She appeared to be restraining herself so that she wouldn't lose control too soon.
Zelda: I mean, aren’t we always?
>>Zelda kissed up and down the length,
Link: Typical Zelda, always kissing up to people.
Zelda: ...And down.
Link: Yeah kissing down to people.
Zelda: Fuckin’...I kiss up to NO ONE, get your shit correct.
>>lapping up the pre-cum
DED: And lapping the Nürburgring in under 10 minutes.
>>running down the pulsating shaft.
Rauru: Runnin’ down a shaft, goin’ wherever it leads, workin’ on a mystery...
>>The soft mewls from the princess seemed to get more of a reaction out of Urbosa
DED: According to the latest Nielsen ratings.
>>as she jerked her hips, thrusting her cock against Zelda's face.
Link: IN yo’ face!
>>As she pumped the length harder and faster, Zelda licked her way down to Urbosa's balls.
Zelda: Licked my way down, huh. As if it were my mode of transport, and there was no way to otherwise cover the distance. Like driving a dogsled through the frozen wastes, cutting a path through the unforgiving landscape.
DED: Much like a snail or a slug, moving about by gliding over terrain with a lubricated surface.
>>The chief grunted and kept her twitching hands at bay.
Link: Where the hell’s the bay? We’re in the middle of a desert here!
Rauru: She left them at the bay and now they’re twitching in the lost-and-found.
>>She wanted to let Zelda set the pace. Whatever the princess was comfortable with, Urbosa would allow it.
Zelda: Ahahaha. Good. Gooooood.
>>''Lady Urbosa…'' Zelda moaned as she licked and sucked on the massive set of balls.
Link: “Just reaffirming your lady status here as I suck your MASSIVE BALLS.”
DED: Hey, I’m a trans ally, if ladies can’t have balls and men can’t have vaginas you might as well say humans can’t cut their hair or trim their toenails.
>>They were too big for her to fit into her mouth,
Rauru: Hmm, yeah, like a roast boar or a giant cheese wheel. When I’m eating, I like to use a technique called “biting” to get around the problem, but I can understand not wanting to use that option. I’ve swallowed my fair share of delicious food whole, too.
>>but that didn't mean she couldn't get messy with them.
Link: There is NOTHING I can’t make a mess out of.
>>She slurped on them, coating them with her spit before smothering them on her face,
DED: Smothering her face WITH them, you mean, but, whatever. Words.
Link: Well, you’re the words guy.
DED: Word.
>>eliciting more sweet moans of joy from her.
Zelda: Despite everything.
>>Hearts flashed in Zelda's eyes as she lifted her head and swirled her tongue around the tip of Urbosa's cock.
Rauru: More typical eating experiences, what with the usage of tongue and the overpowering eyeball-hearts level of love. You’re doing great, don’t worry!
>>She sealed her lips around the head and started to suck.
Link: BOO! YOU SUCK!
>>She couldn't hope to take all of the chief's cock inside of her mouth.
Zelda: All hope is lost.
DED: It’s so over.
>>Doing her best,
Link: Prove it! Show me the stats!
DED: We’re so back!
>>she bobbed her head and felt her mouth being stretched fully.
Rauru: ‘Bout damn time.
>>She fondled Urbosa's balls at the same time.
DED: Oooh, she fondled the ball at the 35, recovered by the defense!
Link: An incredible play by the tight end!
Zelda: Huge stretch from the wide receiver!
Rauru: The kick is up...and it gapes the uprights!
Link: Third base!
>>She would do anything to please Urbosa.
Rauru: Would she fondle her balls, though?
>>This wonderful woman had been so close to her mother.
Zelda: And then the train of thought stops abruptly. Not considering at all any additional ways it might be weird of me to fondle the balls of my dead mom’s lover. That’s...we’re all just down with that.
DED: The Hyrule that exists in the head of horny people is just wild, man.
Link: Can you be completely certain Urbosa in this scenario isn’t your dad?
Zelda: ...No, I guess not?
>>For a brief moment, Zelda wondered if her mom had this much difficulty trying to suck Urbosa's cock. Was her mother just as messy with her mouth? Did she enjoy getting down and dirty as much as Zelda did?
DED: We’re in a Freudian quagmire here and we’re barely out of the foreplay!
>>No, she shouldn't do that. Urbosa had just told her not to compare herself to the Queen. But, Zelda couldn't deny that it was hot thinking about her mother and Urbosa making love.
Rauru: Sheesh! They call it an “Electra complex” but THIS one seems pretty darn plain and simple...
>>It was even hotter now that she knew the truth about how close they really were.
Link: Cooler by the lake.
>>''Tell me more!'' Zelda begged, grabbing the shaft and slapping it against her rosy face.
Rauru: “Your mom used to get these weird boogers where they—”
>>Urbosa snickered at the erotic display.
Zelda: Laughable!
>>The sensation was exquisite. She could tell that Zelda was inexperienced and was simply going with the flow.
Rauru: Nowhere.
DED: We’re on a flow to nowhere...come on inside...
>>The princess's tiny hands looked even smaller when wrapped around her giant cock.
Zelda: Hey are my hands really tiny to begin with? C’mon. You’re just overcommitting to the bit, here.
>>And she couldn't even take half of Urbosa's cock into her mouth before choking on it.
Link: It’s just SO garlicky!
>>Yet, her passion and adoration were divine.
Zelda: Eyy, the divine exists in all things, baby.
DED: You’re like literally supposed to be a reincarnated goddess or something, though.
Zelda: Shut up, it’s still true. I, the goddess, say it is.
>>She gagged on the length repeatedly until her eyes watered and she was gasping for air.
Rauru: Well, that was preventable.
>>''I made love to your mother whenever and wherever I could.''
DED: “Yeeep, wasted a loooot of valuable ruling time, we did...”
>>Zelda moaned around Urbosa's cock.
Link: That’s how I always deal with problems: getting around them while moaning.
>>The image of her mother, tight and wet around Urbosa as she fucked her,
DED: Made into an animated GIF like one of those Snapchat animated filters that look like mid-2000s e-cards...
>>sending jolts of pleasure through her body.
Link: Sending jolts, and jorts, and jarts through her body!
>>She felt it in her heart.
DED: Systolic pressure. Same as usual.
>>Excitement coursed throughout her entire being.
Zelda: Wow even that one part of my being?
>>Her pussy felt like it was on fire.
Rauru: Diiiiiidja sit on a torch just now?
Link: It’s pretty hard not to, lotta the time, I find.
>>She wanted to reach down and touch herself. But,
DED: Just not in the budget.
>>she couldn't tear her hands away from Urbosa's throbbing dick.
Zelda: Much as I would like to tear apart her dick with my bare hands...
>>''She was an eager one,'' Urbosa continued in a delightful tone. ''A wild one.''
Rauru: “Scooting and marking as she pleased...”
>>''How so?'' Zelda asked curiously.
DED: “WHAT is with these QUESTIONS I just fucking CAN’T with this, GAWD, you’re SMOTHERING me!”
>>Suddenly, Zelda felt Urbosa cup her face and pull her up.
Link: Only to be chokeslammed through a folding card table.
>>The princess sighed with disappointment as she was dragged away from her lover's cock.
DED: I mean, they went to all the trouble of programming a grip-stamina mechanic into the game...
>>Urbosa could see Zelda's eyes clouded with love and lust. The lower half of her face was drenched with spit
Zelda: ...Why’d I spit all over my own face?
>>and pearls of pre-cum could be spotted around her lips.
Rauru: Now, these majestic beasts may be semi-habituated, but they ARE wild animals who come and go as they please, so we can’t guarantee any sightings. But reports have been good in the area lately.
>>Pulling her closer, Urbosa licked around Zelda's mouth.
DED: ‘Round, ‘round...
Link: ...lick around...
All: I LICK A MOOOOOUTH!
>>Without warning,
Rauru: But with plenty of complaining...
>>Zelda came crashing forward, pressing their lips together.
Link: High two!
DED: ...Eh?
Link: Like high-five. But with two, cuz...there’s two lips.
Zelda: That’s...kind of an adorable way to refer to kissing, I guess...
>>Urbosa returned the display of affection in earnest.
Rauru: But who is Earnest?
>>The heated embrace could keep them going through the coldest winters.
DED: While double-glazed windows and modern insulation help keep the heat in. This charming two-lesbo, recently remodeled, also features hot and cold running...uh...
Zelda: Let’s not.
>>As their embrace grew more passionate, Zelda felt Urbosa's hands on her hips before she was pulled onto the chief's lap.
Link: So if someone’s “in the lap of luxury” does that mean they and luxury are, like, fuckin’?
Zelda: I’m in the lap of luxury, and I would say, sure, I am constantly fucking, and being fucked by, luxury.
>>The chief's hard cock
Rauru: ...The chef?! ...Oh, dang, I misread it.
>>nestled between Zelda's legs. It would have been so easy to rip her pants off and thrust inside
DED: ...Would it be that easy to physically rip the pants off?
Link: I mean Urbosa is a giant Gerudo.
DED: I dunno, I feel like Urbosa would go for that move and accidentally fling Zelda across the landscape while tearing her pants half-apart.
Rauru: ...Lmao.
>>due to how wet Zelda was.
Zelda: Ahh, but you see, you didn’t account for the lubrication of my pussy-juice to make it more feasible to rip my pants off. Yup, that’s me, ol’ Movie Theater Butter Thighs Zelda, dissolving my very pants with my gallons of horny juices.
Link: ...P...please never...never actually do that...oh gods...
>>Or, would it?
Rauru: ...Or...wouldn’t it.
>>Zelda briefly wondered if sex with Urbosa would be impossible due to their size difference. But, if her mother could manage, then she should be equally capable.
DED: Slam cut to an ambulance pulling up out front of a Gerudo hospital.
>>Urbosa pulled away from the kiss so that she could drown in Zelda's star-filled eyes.
Rauru: “Ahh, my darling, I would rather drown than keep kissing you...”
>>Her blue lips curled upwards as she nodded to the town beyond them.
Zelda: Of course the town is “beyond them,” nobody is large enough for that not to be true.
Link: That’s for a different fetish fic, some other day.
>>''Those in Gerudo Town knew of our exploits.
DED: Stunningly radical naming scheme they have over there. You won’t believe what the Gerudo laundromat is called.
>>They were intrigued by your mother. She was equally so...''
Rauru: Intrigued by herself?
Zelda: Self-awareness is important!
>>Zelda gasped as one of Urbosa's hands snaked its way under her pants.
DED: Relying on sensory pit organs to detect the infrared emissions of prey animals.
>>Her long fingers teased her pussy, lightly rubbing the soaked folds and on the brink of penetrating her.
Link: Brink and you’ll miss it.
>>''One night, she cast aside her royal attire and offered herself to us all.
Zelda: “Wow, no way, you gangbanged my mom AND she was naked for it?”
>>It still amazes me that she lasted the full night.
Rauru: “Without dying of boredom.”
>>I still remember the look of ecstasy upon her face as she was shared by us.''
Zelda: Sh...shar...ing? I don’t...what?
>>Her words triggered something inside of the princess. She grinded faster into Urbosa's hands,
DED: Come grinding faster! (-aster!) (-aster!) Obey...your...MASTER! MASTER!
>>desperate to feel her fingers buried inside of her.
Rauru: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the life and mourn the death of Urbosa’s fingers.
>>The story about her mother rattled her brain.
Link: “I fucked your slutty mom” is pretty good at doing that!
DED: At least according to my playground experience.
>>She knew that her mother and Urbosa were lovers.
Zelda: And that the sum of the interior angles of a triangle always adds up to 180 degrees.
>>However, it never dawned on her that she also had sex with other Gerudo.
Rauru: And now, it has dusked upon us. Dusked upon us all.
>>There were vivid flashes in the back of her mind that painted the scene before her.
DED: Oh, damage to the occipital lobe, located at the rear of the cranium. Yikes.
>>She had been invited to festive occasions
Zelda: Well, cajoled into attending “festive” “occasions,” at least.
>>where the people would dance and feast around a large fire,
Link: Not just a pretty-big fire. Oh no.
>>sharing laughs and drinks as they celebrated another day on this earth.
Rauru: Which is known as...Hyrule.
>>Now, all Zelda could think about was her mother involved in those festivities in a manner unbecoming of a royal.
DED: Wide range of options available.
Link: Boy have I got some suggestions!
>>As if sensing Zelda's thoughts, Urbosa brought her lips close to the princess's ear to whisper the last part of her story.
DED: “But you see, Saruman had survived, and corrupted the Shire. It’s important to the narrative to show that the destruction of the One Ring isn’t the absolute push-button be-all-end-all solution to fundamental evils.”
>>''Her title as Queen had been forgotten
Rauru: “We kept calling her things like ‘Ween’ and ‘Quinn.’ We had that word amnesia thing.”
>>as she pleasured our cocks like a willing whore.''
Zelda: If you’re banging a whole tribe of amazonian dickgirls BUT you’re doing it to steal state secrets, does that make you a willing whore?
DED: I dunno, obliquely? She only says she pleasured them like one, not as one.
>>Zelda cried out in pleasure as Urbosa finally started to finger her.
Rauru: Every official government project takes forever to get going.
>>With just two digits, Zelda felt herself clenching and squirming uncontrollably.
Link: If I only had two digits, I’d be squirmy too.
>>If Urbosa could stretch her with just her fingers, she couldn't wait to experience her cock thrusting in and out of her.
DED: Ah yes...Eros, that divine mystery...that transcendent unity...nectar of the poets, beguiler of gods and kings...cock thrusting in and out...
>>As she rode Urbosa's fingers,
Zelda: 3:10 to Coom-a.
>>Zelda closed her eyes and imagined her mother being in the middle of a Gerudo gangbang.
Rauru: A simple practice that, really, everyone should take five minutes out of their day to do.
>>She could picture Urbosa sitting on a throne watching on as the Queen had all of her holes fucked by multiple Gerudo.
Link: Or she could picture a tree, or like, a big clown!
>>She would be pumping two of them with her hands, gulping down on another while two more were ramming their cocks into her pussy and ass.
DED: And that’s where it peters out, far as gangbanging goes. The magic five. Oh, there are other folds and crevices to fuck, but it’s just not worth the diminishing returns.
Link: ...Haha, “peters out.”
>>That would have been quite the sight. Zelda wished she could have seen it.
Rauru: “Nope. Paywalled, little bird. Even for you.”
>>She wished that she could experience the same thing one day.
Zelda: I say unto thee, is it not my birthright?!
>>Just when it felt like she was going to break,
Link: Head on over to craft services...
>>Urbosa stopped fingering her and pulled her hand away. Zelda's eyes fluttered open just in time to see Urbosa sucking the juices off her fingers.
DED: But just too late to see the glint of the sniper’s scope.
>>She smiled at the princess. ''But, though her body was thoroughly used by my people, she pledged her heart to me. And mine was linked to her.''
Zelda: Yeah, uh huh, sure!
>>''It all sounds so wonderful.'' Zelda panted.
Rauru: And, smutty. Wonderfully smutty.
>>She instinctively rotated her hips, wanting to grind against her erection so that her pussy could feel something rubbing against it.
DED: Who rotated whose wanting whose erection against whose pussy?! I’m drowning in a sea of pronouns, and not in a shitty right-winger dipshit sense, just this sentence!
>>''With how you describe these events, it surprises me that you two never bore a child.''
Rauru: “Oh, honey, given what I did to her pelvic region, it’s a miracle she even regained the use of her legs...”
>>That was the moment the princess had been waiting for. It all clicked into place. Urbosa could see it. Zelda knew.
Link: FUCK! Cancel the final season! Do a total rewrite, the fans guessed the twist and posted it all over the interwebs!
>>She cupped the princess's face and offered a warm smile. ''Who says that we didn't, little bird?''
Rauru: “Looooootta bastard siblings you don’t really need to know about. You’re a royal, right, you get how this works?”
DED: ...Urbosa said, repeatedly glancing at the steep rocky hillside below them...
>>Zelda had no time to process Urbosa's confirmation as she felt herself being flipped onto her hands and knees. Glancing over her shoulder, she watched as Urbosa yanked her pants down
Rauru: See, no ripping required. Just conventional means. Look, I think we’re finding a lot of common ground here, maybe we can de-escalate this sexual encounter, reach some kind of negotiated settlement.
>>to expose her glistening pussy, wetness dripping onto the floor.
Zelda: The floor of the...h-house, they’re in? Town-overlooking porch? Cabana?
DED: “Secluded spot.” That’s all we’re workin’ with.
>>The chief's huge palms
Rauru: Kernels full of delicious oil...
>>groped the princess's hands, massaging them before spreading them to reveal her holes.
Link: Oh, it’s like one of those minigolf holes where there’s two holes but they lead to one hole but the two holes aren’t equally good at putting the ball in the main hole.
DED: ...Yeah those.
>>Zelda thought that Urbosa was going to fuck her ass. The thought frightened her.
Zelda: Politicians are always buggering people, but usually in a less literal way.
>>But, not as much as it excited her.
Link: We shall call it “frexcitenment.”
Rauru: We?
>>However, there was only one target that Urbosa had in mind.
Zelda: As befits her crippling lack of ambition.
>>She mounted Zelda from behind and lined her cock against her pussy. The first push inside was the hardest part.
DED: NOTHING could possibly be more difficult.
>>Zelda's sweet voice tore through the night
Rauru: At a whopping Mach 1, even!
DED: The hot, dry desert air is ideal.
>>as she tried to accept Urbosa's huge cock to the best of her abilities.
Link: Can’t the cock meet her in the middle, here? Try and assimilate a bit, learn the ways of Zelda’s pussy and try and fit in a little better?
>>She arched her back
Rauru: Employing ancient engineering principles dating back to Roman times.
>>and bucked against the length, trying to help it slide deeper.
Link: Well you’re not helping, OKAY?
>>Urbosa shuddered as she felt Zelda's pussy clench tightly around her.
Rauru: “OOOOOOH RIIIIIIGHT! I totally forgot! Parent/child incest is one of the strongest biologically ingrained taboos in the world and I’m supposed to be revolted by this!”
DED: I know, right? This isn’t just any incest this is like, extra-turbo-incest.
Zelda: Habsburg-maxxing.
>>After pulling back, she slammed her hips forward, almost pushing Zelda to the ground.
Rauru: Yeah, having sex on the ground or some other surface would be weird. Much more logical to be fucking...standing up, on the summit of a mountain, or whatever.
>>The princess didn't complain.
Link: About THIS...
Zelda: Oh hell what did you do NOW?! I swear if those delicate lace doilies—
>>She begged for more.
DED: Please sah, may I have suh’moah?
>>''Perhaps, we did have a child,'' Urbosa moaned
Rauru: “How am I supposed to keep track of that kinda crap?! Who has the time?”
>>as she started to properly thrust in and out of Zelda.
Link: Roight propah innit?
>>''And that child grew into a courageous young woman, whose curiosity and sense of adventure knew no bounds.
DED: “Or perhaps not. I’unno.”
>>Who deep down knows the secrets of who bred her mother and kept that detail to herself until after she had been bred herself?
Zelda: See I already know everything but I don’t know what she knows or if she knows that I know what she knows, so I have to probe what she knows and what she knows I know without her knowing.
Link: ...Right.
Zelda: This is basic intrigue. This is, like, Skullduggery 101, day 1, right after the teacher is done distributing the syllabus.
DED: ...By which you mean hiding the syllabus in a series of ciphers and dead drops?
Zelda: That’s probably 200-level stuff.
>>Tell me…am I wrong for thinking such a thing, Princess?''
Rauru: Yes, deeply wrong.
Link: Wrong.
Zelda: So wrong.
DED: Vile.
Rauru: Doing it was worse, though.
>>''Urbosa! Fuck me!
Zelda: “I lost my parlay! Fuck my LIFE!”
>>Give me your child! Breed me like you did my mother! Please!''
Link: Well, it is an affront to God, but she did say “please...”
>>Urbosa's relentless thrusting felt like heaven.
DED: Which means that heaven—perhaps not exclusively, but certainly—feels like thrusting.
Rauru: Thrusting is necessary but insufficient for a full description of heaven.
>>Zelda felt her heavy balls smacking against her over and over again.
DED: Vivid flashbacks of gym class flashed through her mind, ruining the moment.
>>Her arousal had reached an all-time high
Link: We are witnessing history here folks!
>>as her body felt like it was going to explode from the fullness of her lover's cock.
Zelda: Well that’s perhaps a bit of an exaggeration. It’s just some gross tissue damage and internal hemorrhaging, calm down.
>>Her mother's cock.
DED: Her mother-lovin’ KAWK!
>>Deep down, she had always known there was more to her relationship with Urbosa.
Zelda: But does she know that I know that she knows that—
>>All it took was some investigation from those that knew her mother to discover the truth.
Link: I’m not a brain genius or anything but I think the royal family could have maybe tried a little harder to keep the secret...?
Zelda: This is exactly why you bury all your servants alive, with you, in your royal tomb.
>>But, Zelda couldn't think about that now.
Rauru: Got that ADHD don’tcha know.
>>All of her focus was on the overwhelming pleasure that Urbosa was giving her.
Link: Ah HA! Distracted! Doilies, here I—
Zelda: —NOT so fast!
>>Their screams joined together like an orchestra.
DED: Like Portsmouth Sinfonia. Look them up.
>>Zelda clenched around Urbosa's cock, coating it with her wetness as she rode through wave after wave of ecstasy.
Rauru: Tedious, really...
>>She was fucked through her multiple orgasms. She didn't want this to stop.
DED: WE do, can we go?!
>>However, her body could only take so much punishment before it gave out.
Zelda: And so, at last, the sweet release of death.
Rauru: Just disintegrating, Thanos-snap style.
>>The fear that Urbosa would hold back out of respect for her well-being was short-lived.
Link: I tell my wife I’m one bad motherfucker, she says “ya mean you’re bad at fucking your mother, who is me, by the way!” No respect I tell ya, no respect!
Zelda (spraying Link with bear spray): I said NO DANGERFIELDING!
Link: MY EYYYYYYYYYES
>>Urbosa's powerful thrusts left Zelda's body red and dripping with sweat.
DED: While her less-powerful, half-hearted flopping motions were neither here nor there, but hey, her glutes were starting to give out.
>>And with one final thrust, she had managed to bury herself at the hilt and pumped her load deep inside. Zelda was filled to the brim as Urbosa's cum flooded her insides.
Rauru: Option, flood the zone, on three! Hut! Hut!
>>Zelda would be surprised if she didn't become pregnant after this night. Though, she was willing to try again the next night until she felt their baby inside of her.
Zelda: The night after that, though? Forget it. I mean, three in a row? I have a life outside of this relationship, you know.
>>Once Urbosa had emptied herself in the princess, Zelda lost the strength in her arms and fell.
Link: Skabiddle, skaboodle, your arms are now a noodle!
>>Before she hit the floor,
DED: Let the Princess hit the floor, let the Princess hit the...FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUURRRRRRRR
>>Urbosa caught her and brought her into a loving embrace.
Rauru: Fire all of your guns at once and, ex-plode into spaaaa-eee-aaace!
>>The chief's huge arms were wrapped protectively around the petite young woman.
Link: And, as previously noted, Zelda feels safest wrapped in Urbosa's arms.
Rauru: WHOA! HUGE slam on Reynolds Wrap AGAIN, right before the finish line!
>>Zelda's body trembled as she felt some of Urbosa's cum leaking out of her pussy. This had to be the most joyful feeling in the world.
DED: Gotta be.
>>Urbosa reached down for Zelda's face, forcing her to look up.
Link: “Look, a cloud!”
>>''Rest, my little bird. This was only the beginning.
All: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
>>If you wish to know more about your mother, I will be happy to share those stories with you.''
Zelda: “What’s it called?”
Rauru: “‘The Aristocrats!’”
>>After so much screaming, Zelda's throat was sore.
Link: Y—
Zelda: *glare*
Link: B—
Zelda: *glare*
>>Yet, she still found the strength to speak her mind.
DED: The strength to open her mouth. Wow. Musta trained for that one.
>>''You're right, I do want to learn more about her. But, I also want to hear the stories about you too.
Zelda: “Y’know, since we’re, like, hardcore fucking and trying to impregnate each other and all. Ya like fishin’?”
>>I want to get to know you better too…Mother Urbosa.''
DED: Mother will they try to break........my balls?
Rauru: Mother will they put me in the fiiiiiring line? Oooooooooooo, aah, is it just a waste of time...
>>Urbosa smiled at her and kissed her forehead.
Link: And sucked all the knowledge right outta her brain.
>>Exhaustion had finally caught up with the princess as she rested her head on her mother's chest and slowly drifted to sleep.
Link: Due to the exhaustion, mentioned earlier in the sentence.
Rauru: But why, though?
>>This night went better than she had hoped.
Link: Still time to hit up the liquor store and the laundromat.
>>She wanted to share her life with Urbosa, just as her mother had planned to.
DED: ...DID she? Is that...normal?
Zelda: For royalty? Less weird than you’d think.
>>This felt like a new beginning.
Link: NO! NOOOO! IT’S GONNA START ALL OVER!
DED: Don’t worry, I’ve dealt with time loops before. We have to satisfy a mysterious condition that’ll teach us a valuable lesson about life. Or...maybe kill somebody? I’m not actually completely sure.
Zelda: How about I just tear open a hole in space-time and rewrite the history of the universe with the Triforce? As I am wont to do?
Rauru: What color-coded plan is THAT?
Zelda: Plan Taupe. Don’t get up, I’ll go get it. I don’t trust you motherfuckers to taupe farther than I can spit ya.
