In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space
We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:
Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “Instagram envy!”
Rauru! “I don’t mean to broast, but I deserve a braise!”
Zelda! “Fortunae meae, multorum faber!”
Link! “For all intensive purposes!”
If you don’t get how he stays alive
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!
>>A handful of sand tumbles out of Link's boot as he sits in Zelda's chambers,
Zelda: Great, Link making a mess in my chambers. We’re off to an excellent start.
Link: Huh, usually I don’t “make a mess in your chambers” until at least halfway through the story, IF you know what I mean and I THINK that you do!
Zelda: Uh huh.
Link: I mean I ejaculate sperm into your birth canal.
Link: With my penis.
>>explaining how unsuccessful the Molduga hunt went.
DED: “How unsuccessful?” Success is sort of a binary. Like, if you hunted exactly zero Moldugas, it can’t actually be less successful than that.
Zelda: Oh ho, trust me, Link could find a way.
>>Zelda is also covered in dust,
Rauru: Huh, I thought it was Link who was sealed away gathering dust for a hundred years in BOTW.
>>and she picks at the dirt beneath her fingernails.
Zelda: Ugh, ew, like a poor person.
>>"I just don't understand their violent nature towards Vah Naboris," Zelda comments,
Link: Well, you see, their violence is a reaction to the anomie and malaise of late-stage capitalism.
DED: ...Are you okay?
Link: What I meant to say is, I cracked open a Brita filter and ate the black stuff inside because I thought it was peppercorns, but then I realized it wasn’t peppercorns and I don’t even like pepper in the first place. Wait, what did I actually say?
DED: Never mind.
>>now unbuckling her royal blue corset.
Rauru: That must have been fun to wear during a monster fight.
Zelda: Yeah, like Shakespeare said, heavy is the torso that wears the restrictive ladies’ undergarment.
>>"Molduga have never attacked it in the past;
Rauru: So it was overdue!
>>it just doesn't make sense."
DED: Mulder, there has to be a more reasonable explanation!
>>With his other boot off,
Link: But I vowed to die with my boots on!
Rauru: What about with one boot on and one boot off?
>>Link sweeps the Gerudo sand off the stone floor and deposits it out the window
Zelda: Link cleaning up after himself. Yeah. Right.
DED: Well, you know, porn is essentially about fantasy and wish fulfilment.
>>as the moon rises in the east.
Rauru: The moon just zips up there in the couple of seconds it takes to sweep the floor, huh?
>>"I absolutely adored Riju, though," Zelda continues.
DED: Riju is too sweet, I prefer a chablis.
>>"She's young and wants to serve her people valiantly,
Zelda: Yep, that's all it takes, I immediately adore her.
Link: Well why don’t you MARRY her?!
Zelda: That’s a different fic.
>>and I can't help but empathize with her.
Rauru: “Which is to say, I can’t help her, but hey, empathy is free.”
>>I'm sure she'll continue to be a strong ally."
Zelda: “Or, y’know, I’ll just subjugate her if she gets too uppity.”
>>Link yanks at his blue tunic and lifts it over his head,
Link: “Yeah whatever.”
>>but grunts loudly as his shoulder twitches.
DED: Now hold on, that doesn’t necessarily mean anything at all.
Link: UUHHHGG! Urg.
>>"Here," Zelda coos, "Let me help you."
Rauru: Darn, I was really hoping Link had finally learned once and for all how to dress and undress himself.
Link: It comes and goes.
>>She walks over to their bed where Link sits,
Zelda: I’m not that big a fan of the present-tense story.
DED: At least it’s not, I dunno, a future-perfect-continuous-tense story.
>>and she gently pulls the tunic up and over Link's head.
Rauru: And leaves it there, draped over his face.
>>"There we go - Oh Link!" she cries.
Zelda: “You have GOT to stop injuring yourself trying to find that cookie jar I hid!”
>>"Look at this bruise!
Link: “I can’t, it’s on my back!”
Rauru: “LOOK at this bruise, it’s PATHETIC! Is THIS what you’ve been bitching about all day? CHRIST you’re a huge baby!”
>>Why didn't you tell me the Molduga hurt you so?"
Link: It can’t be helped.
DED: Don’t get all anime on us.
Zelda: ...But...we are Japanese!
>>She asks, cradling Link's head in her buxom chest.
Link: “This is helping!”
>>Link half sighs and half laughs.
>>"You really must tell me when you need help," Zelda begs.
Zelda: “So I can laugh at you.”
>>“Communication is key to a healthy relationship.
DED: “Also, eat your veggies and wear clean underwear and neither a borrower nor a lender be and early to bed and early to rise makes...”
>>When you have something to say, you say -
Rauru: Daaaaaaay-o! Me say day me say day me say daaaaay-o...daylight come and me wan’ go home!
>>Oh, I nearly forgot! I finished my latest invention."
Link: Um, I’m still wounded and half-nude?
>>Link's brow furrows
DED: ...are noted for their fine high quality.
>>as Zelda runs and grabs the Master Sword,
Zelda: “Look, I invented the Master Sword!”
>>leaning inside an archway,
Rauru: Zelda or the sword?
>>and then rushes behind her changing curtain
Link: What's the curtain changing into?
DED: As opposed to the ageless, immutable curtain.
>>at the corner of the room. Waiting for her, Link cautiously removes his combat greaves,
Zelda: Oh, sure, he cautiously removes them only to carelessly toss them over his shoulder and clean through an elaborate stained-glass window.
Link: Come on, I only did that like two times, MAYBE three, depending on what your definition of “elaborate” is.
>>careful to not touch the numerous ruby abrasions
Rauru: Eh, Ruby Abrasion isn’t as hard as Emerald Abrasion.
>>on his thighs and calves, and sets them on a carrier for the handmaidens to wash.
DED: ...The handmaidens have to wash his thighs and calves?
Link: Or the abrasions themselves?
>>"I know I'm ahead of schedule with this invention," Zelda states behind the metal curtain,
Zelda: “I mean, usually you’re supposed to invent steam engines before you invent atomic bombs, but I figured hey, why waste time?”
>>"but I was utterly surprised that I worked on my second attempt."
Rauru: “Usually I give up by then.”
>>Link drunkenly returns to their bed
DED: Ooooh, THAT explains what's about to happen.
>>and collapses on the blue covers.
Link: Blue covers...my only weakness...!
>>Zelda continues speaking, dropping her clothes to the floor,
DED: Whoa, o-kay then.
Rauru: This is all wrong; shouldn’t there be like 4000 words about how there’s this dopey guard who’s Zelda’s rival in love and he brings Link presents and she’s jealous and stuff?
>>saying, "I've made so many discoveries lately with the ancient Sheikah technology,
Zelda: “...and some of them HAVEN’T exploded or started self-replicating out of control!”
>>and Robbie and Purah have made dozens of new discoveries these past 100 years, too.
Link: “Strangely, every single one of them is related to door hinges. So our door hinge technology is advanced as all fuck, but we still have to shit in a bucket.”
>>There's so much to catch up on."
Zelda: “Given YOU...”
>>Zelda then hops from behind the panelled curtain, wearing nothing save a leather harness around her crotch.
Rauru: Like a sexy bondage Easter Bunny.
>>"Ta-da!" she announces.
DED: “Behold! Ancient Sheikah fetish gear! I can’t believe it took us this long to unearth some!”
>>Link perks up his head from the covers,
Link: The covers cause me to perk up? What, are they dusted with amphetamines?
>>gazing at Zelda's breasts, reminding him of plump hydromelons.
DED: Masterful simile.
>>But something distracts him from Zelda's beauty.
Link: Her sudden bouts of utterly inexplicable rage.
Zelda: THEY AREN’T “INEXPLICABLE” YOU SACK OF DOORKNOBS! THEY’RE PERFECTLY EXPLICABLE BY THE BONEHEADED SHIT THAT YOU DO!!!
Link: See? Just poppin’ off for no damn reason. Dames, am I right?
>>It's the belt fastened to her:
Rauru: SO tacky gurlfrenn.
>>it glows blue at intersecting straps. She walks closer to the bed, and Link sees Sheikah technology sewn into the leather-work.
DED: Sheikah bicycle pumps and hand grenades and step-down transformers, just woven into the structure.
>>"I've been reconfiguring the principles of magnesis and stasis.
Zelda: “I just press this button here and...OH GOD IT’S NOT WORKING RIGHT, I’VE IRRADIATED MY GROIN.”
Link: Don’t look like no watch I ever seen.
Zelda: It’s strapped to my crotch. How would I even tell time?
>>Zelda invites, a giddy grin on her face.
Rauru: “This’ll get you sooooo high, hehehehehehehehe”
>>She unsheathes the Master Sword and holds it between her legs like a witch would on a broom handle,
Link: If the witch wanted to fly around with her entire body weight resting on a razor-sharp steel edge jammed up in her hoo-ha, sure.
>>and then she lets go.
DED: Not like a witch would.
Zelda: That’s, like, the first thing they teach you in Witch School.
>>The Master Sword floats in the air,
DED: So if she’d gotten this wrong, and, like, reversed the polarity, would it have just torn her uterus right out of her body? Or maybe it would have repelled the sword instead of attracting it, shooting it across the room and impaling Link.
>>and as Zelda pivots and turns, the Master Sword moves with her, holding perfectly in air.
Link: I’m highly in favor of a magic jockstrap that would let me stab-hump my enemies with a floating cock-sword, but considering context clues I’m guessing it’s going to be used for something much less awesome in this story.
>>"Don't you love it!
Rauru: Okay, I won’t, geez!
>>I know it's a little outlandish, but … I have a tail now!" Zelda exclaims,
Zelda: At last, fulfilling my long-held dream of having a tail. Specifically, a rigid metal tail that I can use to kill people.
>>glancing behind her at the blade.
DED: Motherfuckers always try’n’a ice-skate uphill.
>>She plants her index fingers atop her head, pointing them upward like horns, and runs in a serpentine motion across the floor.
Rauru: Finally, she’s gone completely mad.
>>"Look, I'm a silver Lizalfo."
Link: “AHHHH KILL IT AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
Zelda: “Wait, Link, stop hitting me!”
Zelda: “Ow! Ow! No, stop, I was just pretend—”
Zelda: “It’s a joke! It’s me, Zelda! I’m Zelda!”
Zelda: “That’s right! Calm down! I’m Zelda! I’m Zelda. It was all a joke, okay? Just pretend! Okay?”
Link: “B-but you...you growled, and...you have a tail, and...”
Zelda: “I’m not really a Lizalfo. Okay? I just pretended to be one, because this is kinda like a tail! It was all in fun! Ha ha? Joke!”
Zelda: “I just growled like one. You overreacted.”
Link: “G-guess I did, heh.”
ZeldA: “Now, now, listen, I’ll do it again: ‘Rawr.’”
Link: “AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH KILL IT KILL IT AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH”
>>Link chuckles and sits upright on the bed.
DED: Surreptitiously eyeing possible escape routes.
>>He tries to appear surprised and happy, but his eyes soon shift downward.
Zelda: Shoe’s on the other foot NOW, eh motherfucker?
>>"Now the hilt will act as my purple, makeshift penis
Rauru: “Now we can finally roleplay those Barney the Dinosaur fantasies we discussed!”
Link: Ho-HOOOOOLD on a second, missy! You can’t just go from goofy dinosaur playtime right to lady-dongs being wielded against me!
Zelda: Can, and will!
>>just like you - What?" Zelda asks, concerned. "What's wrong?
DED: Could she have picked, like, any other object to be a dildo, instead of this extremely important magic sword?
>>It's too soon, isn't it? I knew it."
Link: No it’s just...like...couldn’t you have considered conventional strapon technology before you started meddling with ancient anti-gravity devices you barely understand?
>>Zelda then lowers her shoulders
Rauru: She’s gonna charge!
>>and hugs her body, saying,
Zelda: “Ohh, body, I missed you so, mwah mwah mwah mwah love!”
>>"When I said it'd take me about a month to complete the contraption,
DED: “...I was referring to the arcane trouser press, not the hoverdong. I slapped THIS thing together in an afternoon.”
>>I'm sure you thought you had enough time to prepare.
Link: Look, when it comes to cornholing a sword hilt, NO amount of preparation time is sufficient.
Zelda: Oh, from a mechanical standpoint, I don’t see why not.
Link: DON’T GET ANY IDEAS. Christ, I was afraid a story like this would come along.
Zelda: Come on, did you really think it had NEVER crossed my mind until now?
Link: I WAS SORT OF HOPING YES
>>But now that it's only been a week,
Rauru: “...it’s been LESS than a month!”
>>I'm sure you're more apprehensive than ever."
DED: More apprehensive than right before fighting a huge monster? Leaping off a cliff relying on a tiny glider that a ghost gave you? Leaping off a cliff relying on a chicken?
Link: Nope, none of that is as scary.
>>Link lowers his head slightly.
Rauru: Now HE’S gonna charge!
>>"I understand your hesitations,
Link: DO you now. Do you REALLY.
>>and we don't have to do anything tonight," Zelda acquiesces.
Zelda: “Besides sleep, I mean. We should probably do that. Oh and brushing our teeth. We need to do that. It’d be grody if we didn’t. And I guess we have no choice but to increase the entropy of the universe, the laws of physics require it.”
>>"How about you let me rub some warming ointment on your bruises,
Link: Yes, apply direct pressure to my bruises. That’ll feel GREAT.
>>and if you're not feeling up to it afterwards, then I'll be more than happy to wait.
DED: “I’ll give you upwards of fifteen minutes before I ram this sword up your poophole.”
>>Here, lie flat on the bed, and I'll rub the oil on you.
Zelda: It puts the lotion on its skin...
>>Come on, spit-spot. And take those knickers off. I want to see that golden arse shine!"
Link: I’m so very confused by this.
Rauru: Aren’t you used to Zelda bossing you around?
Link: Yeah, but, like, she demands things like fetching a can off the top shelf, or that I stop shooting bottle rockets inside the house. She never demands that I get naked for sensual massages and ass-spelunking.
Zelda: That could change.
Link: NOPE NO THANK YOU CHORES ARE FINE
Zelda: Wow, I’ve figured out what you fear most. Fan-tastic.
Zelda: What? To keep Link in line I have to use fear as a weapon, just like Batman.
DED: Or North Korea.
>>Link shimmies vigorously on the bed,
DED: Eyyy, it’s some hep new jivin’ dance craze! Right on, daddy-o!
>>removing his underwear, and lying face-down on the covers.
Rauru: Link’s preferred state.
>>Zelda grabs some ointment from her bureau,
Zelda: Oh yeah, the Bureau of Ointments.
Zelda: Among my many noble titles and duties, I am the chair of the Bureau’s Anal Lubrication Oversight Committee.
Rauru: Yeah but...
Zelda: Oh, it’s mostly just emails and conference calls, I slot it into my schedule when I can. But princesses these days have to do a bit of everything, wear a lot of hats, you know? It’s funny because the only ACTUAL hat I ever get to wear is this gilded tiara, ah hahahaha!
>>sets the Master Sword beside the bed, and then sits seiza on Link's legs.
Link: Yes, good. Sit on my legs. That’s very comfortable for me. I love it.
>>Drizzling the warming balm over Link's shoulders,
DED: Eww, she’s rubbing movie theater popcorn topping into him.
>>she begins to rub the respective shoulder blades in clockwise circles.
Zelda: Clockwise. Always clockwise. Never EVER rub counter-clockwise or you’ll destroy EVERYTHING.
>>She talks as she massages,
DED: Because OF COURSE she does.
>>saying, "I know I don't say it often enough, but I do love you, Link.
Zelda: “...I think. I’m PRETTY sure.”
>>I know it's even harder for you to say it to me,
Link: Because I’m contractually obligated not to speak in-game.
Zelda: A stipulation I 100% understand and endorse.
>>but that's no excuse for me to not say it to you.
Rauru: “Or maybe it is. Eh, whatever.”
>>I'm still embarrassed, even to today, how I terribly I mistreated you when father appointed you as my escort.
Zelda: “I’m embarrassed by my technique. I didn’t break you properly. My abuse was too generalized, it didn’t train you correctly. I’m usually much better at crushing the will of my servants.”
>>But you were always there for me."
DED: “Never really very USEFUL, but definitely THERE.”
>>Zelda knuckles along Link's spine
Link: She is literally punching my spine.
Rauru: Reminder that Zelda is not, actually, a doctor. Or even a licensed masseuse.
DED: Unless she found an ancient Sheikah Betamax tape with a massage instruction video on it, there’s no reason to assume she’d be anything but trash at massages.
>>and then arrives at the large purple bruise on his lat muscles,
Zelda: “Oh yeah, I remember when I did that to you. Heh heh. Good times.”
>>and Link winces as she kneads the area firmly.
Rauru: And again, Zelda: not a doctor.
Link: “Ow, ow, ow, ow, oh ow. Ow. Yeah that’s remarkably painful!”
>>"Just relax" Zelda affirms, adding, "Breath with me."
Zelda: I thought you’d given up being annoyed by breath/breathe.
DED: No, I lied, I’m genetically incapable of not being annoyed by that.
>>Link inhales loudly
Rauru: GOD, shut UP, CHRIST!
>>and Zelda matches his breath,
Zelda: I see your snort, and raise you a gasp!
>>and then they, together, respire as one.
DED: One big dumb jerk! Hyooo!
Link: Haha, deece.
>>She leans over his body, colliding her boobs with his back
Rauru: Ha ha ha! Airbags.
>>and whispers into Link's ear,
Zelda: “I own your boy-pussy biiiiiiiiiitchhhhhh...”
>>"Thank you for always being there for me."
DED: “Or, if not there, SOMEwhere for me. Like if you were going on an errand on my behalf, you’d be going somewhere else, but it’s still FOR me in the sense that...”
>>She then moves to Link's lower back,
Link: Oh, really? What’s the real estate market like down there?
>>manipulating the deep tissues,
Zelda: Rearranging his internal organs...
>>and adding more ointment to the dryer regions.
Rauru: Then preheat the oven to 450 degrees, and prepare an egg wash with...
>>Twenty minutes into their session, Link has become as malleable as clay.
Zelda: GOOD. Gooooood.
>>Zelda cups his buttocks and coats them with a healthy smear of ointment,
Rauru: ...Add two cups butt steak and glaze with ointment, then truss with butcher’s twine and...
>>admiring the glossy finish.
DED: She should shellac him to protect the finish.
Link: Oh I’ve got a “glossy finish” for ya IF you know what I mean and I THINK that you do!
Link: I mean that the glossiness is caused by my semen.
Zelda: ...Okay, that’s what I figured.
Link: The finish is when I ejaculate it on you.
Zelda: Yeah no I get it, it all fell into place pretty quickly just now.
Link: Like it does when I ejacul—
Zelda (whipping out her Glock): THAT’S cute, honey, but shut up now.
Link: Yes dear.
>>She uses the heels of her hands to push the cheeks forward and backward.
DED: Why didn’t she come up with an elaborate magitech solution to THIS job?
>>She then parts his smooth crack
Zelda: Like a pornographical Moses.
>>and pours a tablespoon of liquid balm onto Link's anus.
Rauru: ...Then whisk vigorously until frothy, and add a spritz of lemon juice...
>>The balm heats on touch,
Link: ...and my anus BURSTS into flame!
Zelda: “Oops, that wasn’t balm, that was lighter fluid. Oh well, nothing to be done about it now...”
>>and Link feels his hole simmering.
Rauru: ...Simmer hole gently for 45 minutes on low heat, then cover and allow to cool...
>>Zelda sensuously tests Link's tightness,
DED: Using testing methodology approved by the National Institute of Standards and Technology.
>>noting his new elasticity.
Rauru: Why he's so elastic he shits rubber bands!
>>She slowly inserts her index finger and tickles Link's ballooned prostate.
Link: That's...um...I should probably see a doctor about that.
Zelda: Well, I know y’all were saying I wasn’t one, but the fact is that by the standards of Hyrule I am actually one of the world’s only doctors, or even scientists in general.
Link: So is it cancer or what?
Zelda: Hell, I dunno. Not like I could do anything about it.
Link: Couldn't you cure it with Sheikah technology?
Zelda: No, Sheikah technology is more about causing cancer than curing it.
>>Link's breathing deepens, and so does Zelda's.
DED: Plot twist, Link and Zelda are actually the same person.
>>Retaining her finger inside him,
Zelda: Well I guess it's good it didn't get torn off...
>>she withdraws Link's genitals from underneath him.
DED: But she gets nailed with those stupid ATM fees.
>>Lovingly, she pinches the scrotal skin and twists it delicately,
Link: “What, are you making a cat’s cradle outta my ballsack back there? What the hell?”
>>and then rolls back Link's foreskin to thumb
DED: She rolled back his foreskin all the way up to his thumb?!?
>>and pinch his swollen frenulum.
Zelda: “Pinch the swollen frenulum” sounds like one of those times where a Japanese death metal band picked a bunch of English words to be the name of one of their songs without knowing what they mean.
Rauru: “Pinch the Swollen Frenulum” sounds like “Puff the Magic Dragon.”
>>After a few more minutes,
Link: Really, minutes of her pawing at my genitals like a cat playing with toys? “Minutes,” with an S?
>>Link looks back and stares at Zelda longingly,
DED: Longing to escape from this situation he seems to have gotten himself into.
>>revealing his blushed complexion. He nods his head once.
Link: “No, wait, that was just a muscle spasm! I didn’t—AHHHHHH!”
>>"Are you sure?" she asks.
Zelda: Is that your FINAL answer?
>>Link nods a second time.
Rauru: Yes, we are getting confirmation now...over to our Situation Room for an update...
>>"Ehhh!" Zelda squeals, breaking the voluptuous atmosphere,
DED: It...I...hnnngg no.
Link: Fuck yeah, you get a load of TAOT? Thicc.
>>saying, "I'm so excited."
Zelda: I just can’t hide it.
>>Link stares at her baffled; not used to being seduced.
Link: As I’ve said before, seduction is irrelevant with me. My aura of sexual omnipotence pre-seduces any and all women nearby.
>>Zelda retrieves the Master Sword,
Zelda: “Dah dah dah DAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!”
Link: “Honey, could you not?”
>>arranges it between her legs, turns a dial on her leatherwork,
Rauru: A leather dial, huh? What if there was, like, a toaster oven or some other appliance where the dials and all the rest of it were made of rich Corinthian leather? Wouldn’t that be fucked up?
>>and then the sword locks into place.
Link: A dark, horrible place.
>>She crawls back on the bed, her tom cat "tail" high and proud, and stands on her knees.
DED: “Just to be safe, I’m going to dial 9-1-.”
>>"So let me explain how this is going to work.
>>There's a protective field over the blade, so we don't have to worry about it impaling anyone.
Rauru: Just, you know, knocking things over and breaking them.
Link: Hey, that’s MY job!
Zelda: Yeah! I mean no, NO!
>>The next part is the pommel," Zelda says,
Link: Bitch you gonna tell me the names of the parts of a sword? MY sword?!
>>indicating the knob at the bottom of the handle, and Link secretly chewed his inner cheek.
DED: The secret, inner cheek, the one that he thought no one knew about, the one he doesn’t admit exists, even to himself...a secret...
>>"Now, the pommel will hurt a little,
Rauru: Aww, the poor little pommel. It never wanted to be part of this.
DED: Suck it up, pommel! No pain, no gain!
>>but once it's in, my hypothesis is that, over time, it will help immensely to loosen you up.
Zelda: “The thing with the scientific method is, hypotheses can’t ever be proven with certainty, they just become more credible the longer they go experimentally unfalsified. So really I could cornhole you FOREVER with this pommel and it would still be a productive experiment...”
>>So, it's the most important part. The rest of the hilt should do a smashing job of stimulating your good stop.
Rauru: ...“Good stop.”
DED: “Good stop.”
>>And the winged crossguard, here, is for me.
Zelda: “Well, I mean, since this is my idea, I guess all of this is for me.”
>>It'll rub right against my clitoris," Zelda says, her eyes beaming.
DED: God, I bet she’s pronouncing it “clit-TOR-is,” like the weird creepy nerdlinger she is.
>>"I've also set a few new runes to control the magnetism.
Zelda: “You don’t have any metal fillings or implants, do you? Oh well, guess we’ll know soon enough.”
>>There's a vibration mode and hammer mode which -"
Link bits his lip.
Link: Stop! It’s not hammertime!
>>"Which ... we can try another night," Zelda finishes,
DED: It’s a good thing there aren’t any pressing concerns distracting her from inventing dangerous sex toys.
Zelda: Look, I know there’s an evil purple ghost energy dragon monster Ganon, beast, thing, who’s ruining the world and all, but hey, maintaining morale is important.
Link: And you think this will HELP?!?
>>grabbing the warming ointment. She lathers the Master Sword
Rauru: “Now this will probably all wash off just fine, but if it flies out of your hand in your next battle, let me know.”
>>and then says, "Now remember the safe word: Calamity.
DED: Um, REALLY?
Zelda: “Remember, the safeword is ‘Turbo-Hitler.’”
>>No, that's a mouthful. How about- no, what's a clever one?
Rauru: What are the odds he’s going to remember it, anyway?
>>Just, say 'stop' for now, and I'll think of a better one later."
Zelda: “No, I don’t mean ‘say stop now,’ I meant when we’re—”
Link: “No, I’m saying the safeword, now.”
>>For good measure, Zelda doubles the ointment on the Master Sword and Link's hole.
DED: BUT WAIT! Order now and get DOUBLE the ointment for the same low payment of $19.99!
Rauru: Oh, sure. A good measure. Yep. That measure was unalloyed good, all right.
>>She then analyzes the correct angle for entry
Zelda: That...doesn’t really sound so difficult...
Link: Well, come now, you have no basis of experience.
Zelda: That could change...
Rauru: No, hold on. Zelda, I have seen you get drunk. Like, reeeeeeeeally drunk. Do you not think that aiming a sword penis that’s hovering by your groin might be difficult if you were super drunk?
Zelda: Well of course, everything is hard when you’re really drunk. What makes you think I’m drunk in this story?
Rauru: A) It explains this whole goofy business pretty handily, and B), are you kidding me, it’s YOU.
Zelda: ...Alright, I will admit that right after a successful hunt—or any kind of success, really—I’d probably be drunk.
DED: What about after failure?
Zelda: No, then I need to be stone-cold sober, or it’ll mess up the bitter vengeful scheming phase that comes afterward.
>>and presses the pommel against Link's rosen cherry,
Link: So, like, for the rest of my life, when I’m wielding the Master Sword in desperate, life-or-death combat, I’ll be holding it by the end that went inside my butt, and if I so much as glance at it, that memory will come flooding back, right in the middle of the battle.
>>but it advances no farther.
Rauru: ...Oh! That’s a good safe word! “ADVANCE NO FARTHER!”
>>She presses harder, but cannot gain access to Link's hidden grotto.
DED: Ugh. Going by this metaphor, suddenly the overworld of Ocarina of Time just became a whole lot more...well, covered with anuses, there’s no other way to say it.
>>"Link, you must relax," Zelda encourages,
Zelda: The beatings will continue until morale improves, at which point the sodomy can commence.
>>feeling with her hands for any obstructions since her snowy knockers block her current view.
Link: Her...“snowy knockers.”
Rauru: “Snowy knockers.”
DED: Sounds like a type of owl.
Zelda: Sounds like a Minnesota stripper.
>>However, while using both hands to guide the hilt, Zelda's weight shifts forward unexpectedly,
Link: The hell Why? Is there an earthquake happening? Poltergeists? What’s her excuse?
Rauru: See? She IS drunk!
>>and she topples forward, boobs-first, onto Link's back.
Zelda: Any time I go anywhere or do anything besides moonwalking, I’m doing it “boobs-first.”
Link: Incidentally, also a political philosophy that I would follow in a heartbeat.
>>"Oof," Zelda says,
DED: “Oof” and other onomatopoeiae aren’t really things you “say”...they’re just noises you can make.
>>noticing Link's shocked face. "Why do you- Did it go in?"
Rauru: “Any knowledge, at all? Anything penetrate that skull of yours and reach what passes for your brain?”
>>Link, a look of near death on his face,
Link: WHAT HAVE YOU DOOOOOOONE
>>shakes his head up and down.
DED: STOP SAYING “SHAKE YOUR HEAD UP AND DOWN” TO MEAN “NOD.” “SHAKE YOUR HEAD” MEANS NO, NOT YES.
>>Back on her knees, Zelda visually confirms that the pommel has disappeared beyond Link's border,
Zelda: Sheeit. It’s outside my jurisdiction now. Got away scott free.
DED: Haha more like juris-DICK-tion.
>>and she pushes the hilt farther in, watching Link's hungry ass swallow more and more of the diamond-textured handle.
Rauru: Why would you besmirch the act of eating like this? Why compare the noble mouth, where noms go in to get ate, to the lowly butthole?
DED: So what, you’re now not just a glutton but a defender of gluttony?
Rauru: Hey, someone’s gotta. I didn’t ask to be a hero.
>>As the crossguard reaches the threshold,
Link: ...Flick your wrist and bring the far edge of your blade into the enemy’s head. If that doesn’t work, keep the bind and wind the sword towards...
>>Zelda reverses the motion, and Link jerks uncomfortably.
Zelda: Causing me discomfort?
>>"Shhhshhhshh," Zelda says. "Breath with me again."
Link: ...Are you good for a while?
DED: Yeah, thanks.
>>But despite their tantric breathing,
Link: I knew this was a trick! It’s right there in the name! “Tan trick breathing!”
>>the slightest movement causes Link to gnash his teeth and shiver in pain.
DED: Even the vibration of his very molecules?
>>"Ok, ok," Zelda reacts, then saying, "I'm going to stop moving.
Zelda: Oh like I’M at fault here.
>>Let's try micro movements."
Link: What? Micro Machines?
Link: EXACTLY. Of COURSE it couldn’t be a cool toy. It just HAS to be butt stuff.
>>Zelda then spins a dial on her belt and the Master Sword vibrates subtly.
Rauru: “There, isn’t that nice? Now we...oh God. Oh no, it’s out of—run. RUN! WHILE YOU STILL CAN!”
>>Link's mouth opens and his eyes soften.
DED: Like a pair of Salvador Dali clocks.
>>"There we … go," Zelda manages to say
Zelda: Impressive inDEED!
>>as the crossguard vibrates a few inches in her vagina and against her clitoris.
DED: The amplitude of the vibrating is “a few inches?” That’s not vibration, that’s a full-on fuck machine.
>>They both remain still for a few minutes, letting the vibrations reset their bodies.
Link: In the wise words of Marky Mark, “FEEL THE VIBRATION!”
Rauru: God, minutes? They need to get solid state drives so they can reset their bodies faster.
>>Link's toes curl and crack,
Link: Gah, no, no body horror!
>>and Zelda can barely formulate a plan of action, a first time experience for her.
Zelda: So like...in a SENSE, I am losing a type of virginity.
>>As Link's ass naturally begins to rise and fall,
DED: Yes, the arc of history bends towards the inevitable rise and fall of the ass.
>>Zelda's consciousness returns,
Zelda: Oh, shit. I blacked out again, huh? Guess I am drunk in this story.
>>and she pulls at Link's hips.
Link: What? Whaaaat?
>>He rises to his hands and knees, giving Zelda more ease of movement,
Zelda: You know how he could really give me more ease of movement? If he’d stop crashing my cars all the time.
>>and she, with extreme care, sways back and forth,
Rauru: Right, sure, “extreme care.”
Zelda: What? I can be a considerate buttfucker!
Rauru: But it’s canon in this story that you’re blackout drunk.
Zelda: Damn, you’re right. I guess all bets are off and we’re headed to Prolapse Town.
DED: At least if you tear something inside there, Zelda the brainiac turbonerd will be able to describe the medical syndrome that’s causing blood to pour from your ass using proper nomenclature.
>>letting the rune work its magic
Zelda: I bet I could come up with a waaaay better erotic rune than any of those ancient Sheikah clowns.
Zelda: Well, how about one that traps the mind of whoever views it in a time-locked eternal orgasm, bathing them in unimaginable ecstasy until their very ego is utterly destroyed?
DED: ...I’m sorry I asked!
>>on their good spots.
Link: There are way better spots on me than inside my butt. Like this spot here, on my wicked bicep. Or this spot, where you can boop my adorable nose!
Zelda: I wish there were some good spots anywhere in or on your brain.
Rauru: You’re telling us.
>>and somewhere between ten minutes and ten hours pass.
DED: Specifically, it was nine hours, seventeen minutes, and forty-eight seconds. Over nine hours spent ass-spelunking.
>>Zelda's pelvis discovers a new joy in thrusting,
Zelda: Zelda herself remains thoroughly unimpressed.
>>strangely understanding a man's perspective and role in lovemaking.
Zelda: Right. Men are basically a superstructure for sex.
Link: I’m super at having sex in a structure, is that what you mean?
>>Reading Link's moans,
DED: Read them in The New Yorker, they seemed like the rest of the pretentious navel-gazing you usually find in that magazine...
>>Zelda quickens her thrusts, making sure Link shows no signs of refrain.
Rauru: No signs of refrain, no harmony, no chorus...no singing whatsoever, and for that, we can all be grateful.
>>She reaches underneath Link's stomach and checks his hearty cock:
Link: Still there. Thank God.
>>warm and stiff.
Zelda: Like a good mug of Irish coffee.
Rauru: What’s your ideal Irish coffee?
Zelda: A cup full of Jameson’s and a glance at some coffee beans from across the room.
>>She mastubates him vigorously while thrusting faster, and her own groin flowers in flame.
DED: That was the most shonen-anime-sounding thing I’ve ever heard.
Rauru: What, the stuff about masturbating and thrusting faster?
DED: No, I was talking about the Groin Flower In Flame Dozen Petals Destiny Strike or whatever. Although...shonen anime DOES tend to be pretty gay...
>>Link quickly spews a cacophony of consonants
DED: Holy shit that’s horrifying, why is he trying to summon Cthulhu?!
>>as hot semen pours over Zelda's hand,
Zelda: Oh. Delightful. This makes it all worthwhile.
>>and she, herself, readies for orgasm.
Rauru: Lot of work involved in that.
Zelda: Oh, sure. Gotta sort out the catering, the guest list, the entertainment, write a speech...
>>"Mmmn," Zelda moans, adding,
Link: Why would she feel the need to add ANYTHING to such a pithy, insightful statement?
Zelda: Dude, you are literally—
Link: —short statements because if you talk too much you’ll not get a chance to do cool things like when I took Zelda’s pressure washer just the other day and—
>>"Just another minute and we'll take a break.
DED: “I swear I’m not lying to you for fun again, we really can stop. Even I’m getting bored.”
>>I'm almost, I'm almost ... "
Rauru: Almost WHAT? “Almost in a state of orgasm”? Is that what you’re trying to say? ‘Cause that’s dumb.
Zelda: Maybe I’m trying to say “I’m all moist” but in the throes of lust it comes out wrong.
>>As Zelda's vaginal temperature rises,
DED: This has all the raw sensuality of a lawnmower instruction manual.
>>she forgets her surroundings and becomes like a possessed demon queen.
Link: ...Now THAT sounds more like it.
>>She smears the semen over Link's asscheek
Rauru: Yep, there it is. No surer sign of demonic possession.
>>and then secures an iron grip on Link's hips,
Link: Can there at least be a nip slip during this hip grip?
Zelda: I can’t slip a nip, I already took a strip trip behind that curtain.
Link: Oh. RIP nip slip. Well if I can’t get a nip slip, how about you put in just the tip?
Zelda: No, what about a WHIP tip that I use to whip your right in the sweet bip—
Zelda: The -Ip Sketch, ladies and gentlemen!
>>plowing hard and swift.
DED: It’s just like it says in the Good Book: “And they shall beat their swords into plowshares.” Except it’s all dongs, so it’s more like “beat their sworddongs into plowdongshares.”
Zelda: Using magic technology, though?
DED: Well it doesn’t say HOW you’re supposed to do it, in the Bible.
>>Link's elbows buckle,
Link: They do? I never noticed that feature.
Rauru: Is it one of those snap-fit lock things, or like a buckle on a belt?
>>his chest falls into the bed,
Link: ...into the bed? Inside the bed?! JUST my chest?!?
>>and his fingers rake and grip the covers as Zelda brutally pounds his ass dizzy.
Rauru: ...What is his “ass dizzy?”
Zelda: Wherever it is, I’ll find it and brutally pound it.
DED: No, it’s saying she’s somehow making his ass itself, specifically, dizzy, like it has its own rudimentary awareness of its surroundings or something.
>>Some leftover semen sputters from Link's tip as his senses overload.
DED: Oh, maybe the buttfucking charged his ult, and now he’s using it to self-destruct.
Zelda: You fucking nerd. You deserve to be punched.
DED: ...But you made a reference to Shakesp—*WHOK* OW!
Zelda: HA! You started talking because of-fucking-course you did, and that’s when I slugged ya!
>>He struggles to make speech,
Rauru: Oh yeah, he struggles to make speech, to sign document, to meet constituent, to raise fund...
>>and every time he tries to utter the safe word, a masculine groan resounds from his throat instead.
DED: Oh, okay, so he wants it to stop but can’t make it stop, so this instantly became yet another rape story. Delightful!
Zelda: Wait! Link is legally dead, he’s been gone for 100 years. So he isn’t a person, so this isn’t rape.
Rauru: So you’re fucking a corpse.
Zelda: Yeah which is...um…
Rauru: Yessssss? Dig your way out of THIS one.
Zelda: ...Fine, because at this point the government of Hyrule consists of only two people and one of them is a ghost, and the other is me and I say it’s okay.
Rauru: I still think this is a problem.
Zelda: What if I had Link declared a national historical monument? I mean come ON, he is one.
DED: ...Is is a crime to fuck a monument?
Rauru: I guess you’d have to ask a horny Godzilla that question.
>>Zelda literally glows,
Zelda: Okay, okay, calm down, this is called Cherenkov radiation, it’s just the Sheikah technology doing its thing, we’re probably fine.
DED: CHERENKOV RADIATION?! IT IS YOU WHO ARE THE FUCKING NERD! YOU I SAY!
Zelda: But the difference is, you can’t punch me, and the laws of nerddom say the nerd is he who is punched by non-nerds.
Zelda: Yo, consider very carefully what I could do to you in a fight.
DED: What, trap my consciousness in a neverending orgasm?
Zelda: Ew, no, that’s squicky given how long we’ve known each other. I’d just tidily annihilate your soul.
DED: I call bullshit.
Zelda: Try me.
>>and her bobby pins shake free,
>>liberating her hair as it falls over her face.
DED: Yes, freedom, freedom to do what hair does best: flop in your face and be annoying.
>>Her body spasms once and then twice as her cunt quakes,
DED: Now I’m no seismologist, but I wanna see dose tectonic plates shift!
Link: Haha deece! Yeah, when I cause cuntquakes in Zelda, they’re always a 10 on the Wrecked’er Scale!
DED: Haha deece!
Link, DED: DEEEEEEEECE!
Zelda: Oh for crying out loud, that’s not real slang.
Link: Yes it is!
DED: It’s short for “decent!” It’s on Urban Dictionary and everything!
>>and her melodious voice rings in intervals.
Rauru: Rings in intervals, huh?
Zelda: “DOOPA DOOPA DOOP! DOOPA DOOPA DOOP!”
Link: “Honey, please—”
Zelda: “—RING RING RING RING RING RING RING, A ZELDAPHONE! DOOP DOOPA DOOPA DOOP!”
>>Zelda's pelvis shuts down like a Divine Beast recharging after a climactic blast;
DED: Never before has this tired old boss cliche been applied to something ickier.
>>and, when it finally stops, Link bolts forward and off the bed,
Link: Whoa whoa whoa, REALLY? I like sluuuuurrrp my way all the way off that thing, pommel and all, quickly?
>>escaping the Master Sword's reach.
DED: Oop, Zelda let you get out of measure. Amateurish, but be fair, she’s new to this. Plus her edge alignment is pretty sloppy.
Link: ...Are you implying she was displaying poor edge alignment by fucking me with the hilt and not the blade?!
DED: Whoa, dude, I’m just joshin’ with you about swordsmanship.
Link: It’s my butthole on the line, man! Also, edge alignment is no laughing matter!
>>Zelda becomes Zelda once again,
Zelda: Or was Zelda ever Zelda before?
DED: Like in that Bond film, “Zelda Say Zelda Again.”
>>fixes her hair,
Rauru: ...Fix you but GOOD!
>>and says, "Oh Goddess, I got carried away, didn't I?
Link: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHH SHUUHH-HUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRE you did!
Rauru: Well you definitely didn’t carry her anywhere while that was going on.
DED: Now THAT would have been SOMETHING!
>>I'm so sorry Link."
Zelda: “I’m sorry you seem to be upset. That I sort-of-raped your asshole with this hoversworddong.”
DED: Oh that’s right, so it’s more like “they shall beateth their hoversworddongs unto hoverplowdongsh—”
Zelda (slamming in a fresh mag, racking slide): No more of that joke, no more “if you know what I mean,” we’re moving on to fresh memes OR ELSE.
Link: Hey Zelda, you invented the hoversworddong, you brought this on yourself.
Zelda: *fires into the ceiling* JUST SHUT UP!
Link: WHAT?!? SPEAK UP I CAN’T HEAR YOU SO GOOD ANYMORE!!!
>>Link immediately hops to his feet and paces back and forth, limping and holding his butt with both hands as if he were holding back shit.
DED: Well that’s Stoogesesque.
Link: “Ooo-woobwoobwoobwoob nyi-nyi-nyi!”
Raruru: “Hey Moe! Why you gotta peg me?”
Zelda: “‘Cuz you’re as dumb as a post, wise guy! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!”
>>"I hope you won't be too sore," Zelda says,
Link: Now correct me if I’m wrong, and forgive me if I don’t phrase this in juuuuust the right way, but wasn’t the WHOLE POINT of this to CURE the soreness I ALREADY HAD and NOT to CREATE MORE SORENESS?!?
Zelda: “LOL just kidding, your suffering means nothing to me!”
>>"Oh dear, tomorrow you have that horseback excursion!
Link: NOT ANYMORE...
>>Oh, forgive me Link! I've blundered it good, haven't I?"
Rauru: Indeed, you’ve goofed it right up with your japery!
Zelda: I hecked it all to darn!
DED: You’ve committed a boner of gargantuan proportions!
>>After a few minutes of recuperating,
Link: And contacting my lawyer to file the lawsuit, of course.
Zelda: But I act as your lawyer.
Link: Yeah. I mean I’m contacting you, from across the room, to complain and demand you sue yourself.
Zelda: Um, okay, but in all probability, I would also be the judge presiding over this suit.
Link: So award me some damages already!
Zelda: Nope, sorry, I’m ruling in favor of the defendant, and ordering you to compulsory rehabilitative further pegging.
Link: That’s out of order! YOU’RE out of order! This whole COURT’S out of order!
>>Link lies back on the bed,
Rauru: The lie is, “That was great, I’d love to do it again!”
>>easing himself slowly.
DED: Gross. Stop. No. No self-easing in bed.
>>Zelda continues to calm him,
Zelda: This works exactly like the way you break horses in BOTW.
Link: IT MOST CERTAINLY DOES NOT
>>saying, "I swear, next time will be better.
Rauru: In that we won’t have to read about it?
>>I'm working on some other shapes so we don't have to use swords …
Zelda: “Rhomboids are my fetish, actually!”
>>unless you like using swords, of course,
Link: YES I like using swords TOOOO KILLLL THIIIIIINNGSSSS NOOOOOT THISSSSSS
>>because I just found this design for what's called a
DED: Hitachi Magic Wand?
>>Goron Sword and I'm really excited to try it out, too."
Link: Oohh, yes. I’m really excited to try out that sword as well. I have a couple of reeeeeeeeeeally great ideas about what to do with it first.
>>Link, lost for all words,
Rauru: Now THERE’S a surprise.
>>rolls away from Zelda,
DED: Please, he’s creating tactical spacing with the opposition.
>>contemplating how uncomfortable he's willing to ride horseback tomorrow,
Zelda: Now you go right to sleep, and then you suck it up and ride around on your devastated asshole tomorrow.
Link: Yes dear...
Zelda: And then we’re going to the farmer’s market and then take the kids to that birthday party—
Link: Yes dear I know dear...
>>and then rolls back.
Rauru: What, is he jonesin’ for his fix of the Limp Bizkit mix?
>>He silently kisses her,
DED: Burning with silent resentment.
>>and their nocturnal research continues.
Link: I’d love to meet the grant-writer who got the job of writing a grant for THIS research.
Zelda: Hey, you know what this story was?
DED: Clunky? Goofy?
Zelda: Yeah, those, but also, it was totally consensual sex between two people with a pre-existing relationship, i.e. it didn’t begin with them confessing their love and then IMMEDIATELY dropping trou. Plus it displayed a really healthy approach to sexual exploration and kinks.
Rauru: You know, you’re right. Good on ya, story.
Link: ...On the other hand, you fucked me with a sword.
DED: No, no, she makes a good point. Kids, living out your fantasies can be thrilling, but always explore your sexual fetishes in a safe environment with people you love and trust.
Zelda: ...Or I’ll fuck ya with a sword.
DED: Or Zelda with fuck you with a sword.
Zelda: That’s right.