In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space
We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:
Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “Film school dropout!"
Rauru! “A feast of fools!”
Zelda! “Thou veriest poltroon!”
Link! “Check out my unboxing tutorials!”
If you don’t get how he stays alive
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!
Twili Magic by BeehiveCrush
>>It was a pretty normal day for Link,
Link: Chillin’ out, questin’, impressin’, all cool, shootin’ some B-ball outside my school...
>>all things considered.
Zelda: Something that he is far, far removed from ever doing.
>>Well, as normal as things could be, considering... everything.
DED: You...you just asked us to consider all things. Which is it, normal or abnormal?! Considering all things is really strenuous, hurry up!
>>He had recently retrieved the master sword, and felt wonderful with his human body back.
Link: Because the Master Sword is full of vicodin!
>>And on top of that, he hadn't needed to risk his life on the entire trip back to castle town!
Rauru: Oh, I’m sure he did, without realizing it, and the lives of many bystanders...
>>He felt a lot more relaxed than usual,
Link: It must be these comfy underpants. I finally found my brand!
Zelda: Oh my God, wow, really?!
Link: No.
Zelda: ...FUCK!
>>and for the first time in a while he felt like he had the energy to keep going.
DED: Soooo what was making him go up to now that wasn’t energy?
Link: Ah, you know, matter! The opposite of energy!
DED: Matter is actually the same as energy.
Link: Okay, then: breakfast!
Rauru: Here, here!
DED: We can go with that.
>>He was going to be working with other people for a change,
Zelda: RUUUUUUN
>>in order to find that mirror Midna had been talking about.
DED: I like how this accurately reflects the fact that Link knows what specific mystic object he needs to be pursuing at any given point, but definitely not why, beyond “someone’s talking at me about it.”
Link: Look, you do this gig for 35 years, game in and game out...you start to streamline your thinking, y’know?
Zelda: You seem to have streamlined your thinking so extensively that there’s nothing at all left.
Link: Well, yeah! I’ve achieved perfect airhead status, and what’s more aerodynamic than air? Head empty, no thoughts, high speed, low drag.
Rauru: Yooooooou keep on thinking that.
Link: Look, it’s called “zen,” you should try it.
>>The feeling of being alone was mostly behind him,
DED: Thanks to Midna, constantly behind him.
>>and it seemed as though the world had his back.
Link: Oh, sure, as long as you accept that “the world” won’t ever actually help me, and is often violently hostile to me and my passage and my goals.
DED: That’s video games baybeeee!
>>Overall, pretty damn nice.
Rauru: He wished he had a big-screen though.
>>Midna seemed to be doing just fine as well,
Zelda: Well, her vile and manipulative ways have not worsened, I guess you could put it.
>>floating along just ahead of him and taking in the fresh air, and humming a little tune.
DED: “I call this one Crazy Bus Title Screen Music. Ready?”
Link: Or maybe she’s singing that six-hour album that simulates dementia.
>>It was a bit odd having her physically present in the world of light,
Rauru: Y-yeah, "odd," let's go with that.
>>but he was starting to get used to it. She seemed to be more... there, in a way. A lot closer to him.
Link: Oh spiffy.
DED: Don’t stand! Don’t stand! Don’t stand so close to me!
>>As Link looked at the twili imp, without putting much thought into it,
Zelda: Yeah, yeah, checks out...
>>he carelessly let his eyes start to wander.
Rauru: Missing Eyes. Blue, full lashes, last seen in the vicinity of Midna’s ass. Respond well to treats. Reward if found.
>>And wander they did, his eyes tracing down her shoulders and back until he was staring right at her perfect, round ass.
Link: Hey, c’mon, that’s not that far of a wander.
>>He hadn't really thought about her body before, or noticed it much in general.
DED: If only this pattern could have continued...
>>Obviously she was quite different from a human,
Zelda: Midna has 28 chromosomes instead of 23, and somehow metabolizes nitrogen instead of oxygen.
Link: Her toes bend the other way.
Rauru: She has “double armpits,” and no one is quite sure what that means.
DED: And her skin has the texture of a cold, moist hot dog.
>>and a little bit smaller than one,
Zelda: Oh, THAT’s why she wears the giant tall hat. Overcompensating.
>>but after closer inspection he couldn't deny that she had an amazing ass.
Link: Ooooh, Zelda, hey, Zelda, hey! Is “Official Ass Inspector” a job I could do?
Zelda: Trust me, if I could stop you, I would have.
>>It just looked so big and round,
DED: Oh, my, God, Becky.
>>perfectly shaped in every way.
Rauru: I actually would have thought that Midna would have a dizzying, vertiginous, non-Euclidian vortex of an ass, an ass that defies all logic and spatial relations of our familiar space-time.
DED: Yeah, she’s from another dimension and all...I mean think how disappointed you’d be if Cthulhu arose from the depths and he just has a dumptruck, caked-up, normal human ass, and not something mind-scarring and incomprehensible.
Zelda: Didn’t Chuck Tingle do that one already?
>>Her wide hips swayed gently in an almost hypnotic way as she floated along,
Link: Why does she sway her hips like she’s walking when she’s just floating?
Rauru: Beeecause she’s a skank and a tease and a scheming crepuscular bitch?
Link: Oh yeah that’s it!
>>mesmerizing Link as his eyes were glued to her.
DED: One person distracts the mark with ass, while the accomplices sneak up with the glue sticks. The classic swindle.
>>He couldn't help but look, really.
Zelda: Men are uncontrollably and sometimes dangerously horny and that’s just the way it is, folks! Guh-hyuk!
Rauru: Maybe it’s metacommentary, on the fact that he’s in a porn story and couldn’t act decently if he wanted to.
>>Unfortunately for him, this moment would be something he would regret,
Link: A regret to be exceeded only by every subsequent moment spent next to, or thinking about, Midna.
>>as Midna had noticed his staring.
DED: Damn bitch you got a set of eyes in that ass?
>>"Watcha lookin at, Linky?"
Link: "Butt! Next question."
>>Midna smirked and turned her head at him.
Rauru: She’s a real head-turner all right.
>>She giggled as his face turned the absolute brightest shade of red you can think of,
Zelda: The unique shade of shame-red known to design experts as “Cringe Crimson.”
>>and he looked away immediately. "Is there something you find interesting?"
Link: Oh, sure! So recently I’ve gotten really into stamp collecting, except not the knowledge or expertise part so much, or even the acquisition of specific rare ones, rather I just get a bunch of stamps and put them all over every surface of Zelda’s castle I can reach, and then...
>>"I- I wasn't looking at anything really-" Link managed to say.
Rauru: “In fact I just went blind, oh no, oops I just fell over because I can’t see or ogle anything, not even your ass!”
>>"Just, uhh, zoning out." He could not believe it. Not only had He been staring at her,
DED: ...God...?
Rauru: Always, my child.
>>which was embarrassing enough on its own,
Zelda: He should indeed feel deep embarrassment at the fact that he lusts after Midna.
>>but she had caught him doing it too. Hopefully his excuse was solid enough,
Rauru: Pff, sure.
Zelda: Are you even being sarcastic? “I was being stupid and distracted” is an incredibly believeable Link excuse.
Rauru: ...That’s a good point.
>>or else he might face a punch from her weird magic hair hand.
DED: He might face a punch and she might punch a face.
>>"Mmm, if you say so Linky." Midna grinned to herself.
Zelda: “Heh heh heh, any minute now I’ll just float over the edge of a cliff and it’s goodbye Mr. Staresalot.”
>>She let him off the hook this time,
Link: Only to impale me on some other large implement, I’m sure.
Zelda: I don’t think you need her help for that to end up happening.
>>but she knew she could use this later.
Rauru: Nothin' more useful than a simp, that's what my granny always used to say...
>>She was going to have a lot of fun teasing him, she thought to herself.
DED: Really thinking outside the box on this one.
Link: She's gotta get out of her discomforting-others zone.
Zelda: ...Do we...?
DED: Oh, goodness, no.
>>As they kept walking, Link glad that the awkward moment was over,
Rauru: What if that awkward moment was just part of an unbroken series of awkward moments, making up the awkward minutes and hours of this awkward story?
>>the forest around them slowly turned to a grassy plain,
DED: Ack, global warming!
>>and Hyrule Castle Town became visible ahead of them.
Link: Became visible, because it wasn’t visible, because it was engulfed in a magic pyramid, which I fixed, you’re WELCOME.
>>Their destination was not far.
Zelda: And yet it was also so close.
>>It was dark by the time they reached the town, but it was still quite busy and loud.
Rauru: Well, with Link around...
Link: ...so I worked ALL NIGHT and MOST OF THE NEXT DAY and then I was READY to fire my GIANT ROCKET POWERED BY GELIGNITE AND AXE BODY SPRAY CANS, so I lit the fuse and it went like PHWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAASSSHHHHHH FHWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM...
>>Link had experienced this noise before of course,
DED: I guess he came on and felt the noize.
Link: I mean, I think it is fair to say I got wild, wild, wild...
>>he could never really get used to it. Growing up on a farm, he was used to a more quiet and simple way of living.
Zelda: Or, rather, he was used to disrupting that quiet, simple lifestyle.
>>These bustling streets and crowds of people were not anything he had to deal with on a regular basis.
Rauru: I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known...
>>Despite the noise, he was still glad to be here.
Link: It beats the ol' lava mines, that's for sure.
DED: What about the sand hellhole?
Link: Oh, no, that was where I got to ride around on the kickass spinning top. This isn't as cool as that, for sure.
>>He spent so much time out in the wilderness and in dark, maze-like dungeons that seeing other people was a relief.
Zelda: Covered with dirt and twigs, clothes ragged, bags under his eyes, he comes stumbling out of the wilderness into town and goes around raving, "GANON! It's a Ganon from the time-jail with the magic mirror and I gotta get the shards! There's a monster from another dimension following me around and she turns me into a dog upon request! You gotta believe me! Kill all the tentacle-mans with clock heads at the very same instant, I tells ya!"
>>Midna was always with him of course, but she was... Midna.
Rauru: Can't argue with THAT logic.
>>Not exactly a normal person.
DED: Man, woman, or hellbeast?
>>She was good company though, at least when she wasn't making fun of him or treating him like some sort of servant.
Link: It's fun being lit on fire, at least when the fire isn't burning your clothes or flesh.
>>They couldn't stay here long though.
Rauru: There's a line? People are waiting...?
Link: "Hi can I get an uuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."
>>Link just needed to get supplied for the journey through the desert,
DED: Get Equipped With: Moisture-Wicking Underwear!
>>and then they'd be on their way.
Zelda: "Hmm, can't help but feel like I'm forgetting something...Oh yeah! Water! You need that for deserts!"
>>>>There was a very long road ahead of them and if they didn't bring enough, there would be trouble.
Rauru: Yes we’ve got trouble! Right here in Gerudo Desert!
Link: With a capital T, that rhymes with B, and that stands for Boars!
DED: ...uh...
Link: ...What? There were boars all over the place.
>>They hopped from store to store,
DED: Hiding children’s eggs and leaving candy behind.
>>stocking up on food and water as well as arrows.
Rauru: But what about the food for God’s sake?!
Link: It just sai—
Rauru: —and provisions, for that matter! What the hell are they gonna eat?
Link: Y—
Rauru: What am I gonna eat?! Oh God, I’m gonna starve! *hyperventilates, withdraws bag* I’m down to my fourth-to-last bag of pork rinds!
>>Link didn't have enough rupees for anything fancy like a new shield,
Zelda: Or anything even decent. Like, even “shabby” would be an upgrade.
>>but he did take interest in a bottle of red potion for sale.
DED: Bottle of red, bottle of white, whatever wound you’re in tonight...
>>"What do you think, Midna? Worth the rupees?" Link asked,
Link: ...WHY?!
Zelda: Midna, noted expert in the field of microeconomics.
DED: Nah not micro, more like...shortstackonomics.
Zelda: ...
>>imagining a million situations where it could be useful in the near future.
Rauru: The man may be an idiot, but he at least has extensive knowledge of how his idiocy will impact his life.
>>"Let me get a closer look at it." Midna smirked.
DED: Oh, sure, break out the ol’ mass spectrometer...
>>She moved in front of him and bent over to examine the potion,
Link: Thank GOD no one can see her but me, this is SO humiliating.
>>very intentionally giving him a close look at her ample backside.
DED: Or maybe she took the action unconsciously and her superego only rationalized the decision ex post facto to create an illusion of consciousness and free will, with no real intentionality.
Zelda: Okay, well, with the presupposition that consciousness exists and knowledge is knowable and effects have causes: Midna is a slut.
>>Link froze and his face immediately flushed,
Link: Cold and yet hot, huh? I got the ol’ Twinrova face.
>>as his eyes stared at the luscious ass right in front of him.
Rauru: And his nose, what was that staring at?
>>Suddenly the supple, round asscheeks he had been staring at earlier were so much closer, and he had no idea what to do.
DED: Oh really? So why does he care about ass at all if he has no idea what to do with one?
>>"M- Midna, can you not-"
Link: “Like, in general, at all, anything, ever?”
>>"What's wrong Linky?" Midna giggled. "Am I in your way?"
Zelda: Moreso than you can even realize.
>>"W- Well yeah-" Link stammered.
Rauru: “You’re in my way sir”
>>"Well why don't you look at something else" she said,
DED: Take a look at these hands! Take a look at these...hands!
>>wiggling her butt for emphasis,
Zelda: Pointedly thrusting it in the direction of a local shop with a “Help Wanted” sign in the window.
>>"While I take a look at this potion."
Link: Fuckin’, right, well, looking forward to your top-level analysis then, I’ma hit the strip club.
>>Link felt a tent begin to form in his pants, and tore his eyes off of her ass.
Rauru: “Give me them back you wretch!”
>>"Actually I think we're good.
DED: Or at least morally gray.
>>Let's get out of here."
Link: Zoinks! Let's teleport somewhere else, Scoob!
Zelda: Jinkies!
>>Midna turned back around and pouted,
Rauru: Wow really?!
>>hands on her hips. "Fine.
Zelda: "You didn't reciprocate my horniness. Fine, 20 Rupees."
Link: "What?"
Zelda: "Questioning the fines, fine, 10 Rupees."
Link: "What the fuck, bitch?!"
Zelda: "Swearing at me. Fine, nose hairs yanked out by giant magic fingers."
Link: "Whoa no oooaaAAAAHHAAAGH!!"
>>But you should probably get some sleep first, right?
DED: Here, at the front of the line at the potion shop? You think he should sleep before he, quote, “get[s] out of here?”
>>It's pretty late after all."
Rauru: Whoa whoa whoa whoa, you can't just go to sleep, what about dinner? And dessert? And snacks? And apéritifs, digestifs, and amuse-bouches?
>>"I suppose so." Link responded.
Link: Quest accepted!
>>But as short on cash as he was, there was no way they could pay for an inn.
DED: You don't have to buy the whole inn you know.
>>So he did what any sane person would do and... Decided to sleep on the streets of the town.
Zelda: I know this is supposed to be funny irony and sarcasm, but it fails to account for how responsible this makes him seem compared to his usual behavior.
Link: Yeah, I mean, sleeping? In the first place? Usually I just do my questing in a sleepless week-long fugue state all methed up on Triforce of Courage juice.
>>Super safe, I know.
DED: Who are you and who asked you anyway?!
>>But Link was sure nobody would mess with him,
Rauru: Besides Midna, obviously.
Link: Nobody messes with me besides my plot-appointed Designated Nagging Co-Pilot.
>>so he just walked right into a dark, isolated alleyway and sat down, leaning against the wall.
Zelda: This is meant to sound humorously unwise, but the actual fact of Link's recklessness is so so much vaster.
>>He'd slept in worse conditions, after all.
Link: One time my sleep was so bad it felt like an entire whole-ass quest, full of musical instruments and references to different Nintendo intellectual properties!
>>And the walls of the city made him feel safe.
DED: Hey you...out there beyond the wall, breaking pots in someone's hall, can you help me? Hey you! Don't tell me there's no hope at aaaaaaaaaaaaaaall...
>>He stretched his arms out and yawned, suddenly feeling quite tired,
Rauru: He’s such an impressionable lad. Midna’s like “Hey, you’re tired and you should probably lie down in an alley and sleep” and Link is like, “DAMN, she makes a great point!”
>>and then...
"!"
DED: Snake! You’ve been spotted by the enemy! You can see their alert level beneath the Soliton Radar. Stay calm, and look for a hiding spot!
>>Midna plopped herself down right onto his lap, her butt landing directly on his manhood.
Zelda: Testicles exploding like Scotch eggs spiked into the asphalt.
Link: NOOOOOO
>>Link once again froze in place,
Rauru: They only react to sudden movements.
DED: He should try covering himself in mud to mask his thermal signature.
>>his face reddening as he felt her soft asscheeks on his crotch.
Zelda: I’m amazed he even has the capacity to feel shame anymore.
>>Midna looked up at him and smirked. "Is something wrong?
DED: Cash bail, that’s real shitty.
Rauru: Right-to-work laws, those are actually just corporatist bullshit.
Link: I mean, need I mention the specter of racism?
>>I need a place to sleep too don't I?"
Zelda: ...do you?! How the fuck should we know what your life cycle is, you’re an alien!
>>"Yeah but-"
Link: I’LL say!
>>"But what~"
DED: I’m going to picture the tilde-as-punctuation to mean a long, deflating, nasal-y honk, like, “But what? HAAAAAAAAAAAWNNN.” Like one of those rubber chickens you squeeze.
>>Midna interrupted, wiggling her hips and pushing his manhood in between her luscious cheeks.
Rauru: What is she trying to get out of this?
Link: ...Some?
>>"I want to sit here, so I'm going to."
Zelda: “Where I fits, I sits. Which is to say, you have a tiny dick.”
>>She giggled as she felt him hardening.
DED: As she randomly remembered the “They’re on instruments!” gag from Airplane!
>>Link couldn't believe it.
Link: Midna, being rude...?!
>>She was just toying with him!
Rauru: Haven’t seen any toys yet, but I’m not ruling it out.
>>Either way she would get what she wanted.
Zelda: What a curious game...the only way to win is not to play at all...
>>If he pushed her off she would get the exact reaction she wanted, and if he let her stay...
DED: Well, according to the latest prospectus, if you go there will be trouble, but if you stay it will be double.
>>His face went red just thinking about it. He was stuck. But he had a plan.
Zelda: Oh God, hunker down.
Link: What if I used the force from some kind of high pressure stream of fluid to blast Midna away from me? Like if I got twenty cans of that expanding handyman foam and then rigged up...
>>Gathering all of his willpower, he responded. "Fine, sleep on me then."
Rauru: Sleeep oooooon meeee...(sleep on me!) Sleeeeeep meeeeeeee oooooooonn...
>>And closed his eyes.
DED: I guess no longer seeing Midna is a slight improvement on the situation.
>>Midna wiggled her hips again, but this time Link just sat there, breathing steadily.
Zelda: Is this like the whole meditating-under-a-waterfall thing?
>>She pouted and crossed her arms. How dare he!
Rauru: “How DARE he continue to breathe! I’ll put a stop to that...”
>>But she wasn't going to give up that easily.
Link: Yeah, I’ll have to do more than...absolutely nothing at all...to get her to stop.
>>"You know you can't resist, Linky..."
DED: Resist what? The temptation of whatever otherworldly maw passes for your gooch? Your STDs hitherto unknown to our universe? Your years of mental baggage from ruling a kingdom of weirdos in a dimension full of brown-and-bloom? Hard pass.
>>Suddenly she pushed her ass down hard on his manhood,
Rauru: Crack crunch spurt squish burst ooze shriek flail
>>which hardened almost instantly in response.
Zelda: Some kinda fighting game parrying mechanic at play here, perhaps.
>>Link's iron will was apparently not very strong.
DED: Toilet-paper will, more like.
Link: Look, I was blessed with the Triforce of Courage, not the Triforce of Impulse Control. In fact, those are basically perfect opposites. You want your world saved on the reg? You gotta deal with the side effects.
>>She grinned. It was inevitable that he would stop resisting;
Rauru: I mean, he’ll get old and die some day.
>>after all, she was royalty. It was only natural to obey her.
DED: SMASH THE STATE, NO GODS NO MASTERS
>>She gyrated her hips, steamrolling her soft butt over his dick,
Zelda: In the sense of that steamroller scene from Austin Powers, where he’s begging the guy to get out of the way.
>>which earned her a soft moan from him.
DED: This is really stretching the semantic concept of "earning."
Link: Frankly, these stories have destroyed all concepts and meaning for me.
Zelda: Oh, sure, it was the stories that did that.
Link: Yeah! I used to be, like, professor Americus! But now I'm dumb as a post thanks to repeated exposure to Midna's genitals!
>>Link cursed himself for giving in,
Rauru: Not as hard as we do, though.
DED: Unless he's punishing himself with a for-real CURSE, curse, like, the plagues of Egypt or something.
>>but her ass was just too much for him.
Zelda: Your ass is just TOO MUCH! What a character! Honestly!
>>He couldn't resist.
Link: No! I didn't resist, this time. I REFUSE to believe that resistance is impossible.
>>He was fighting the urge to moan aloud as he felt Midna grind all over his manhood.
Rauru: Grind what, fresh pepper?
>>That perfect round ass, pushing and rubbing against him... It was almost too much.
DED: Then, moments later, it became too much.
Zelda: I mean, there’s no safe quantity of Midna. Even trace amounts of Midna can have harmful effects.
>>He let out a few muffled noises.
Link: Ehn, won't be the first muffled back-alley crime in this city...
>>"You're so pathetic, aren't you..." Midna giggled.
Zelda: Hey, you're the one who's banked the future of her entire dimension on his success...
>>"You're supposed to be some big hero, but all I had to do was sit on your lap and you completely broke."
Rauru: It's weird, because you wouldn't EXPECT a powerful warrior male to be horny and dumb.
>>She kept grinding her juicy butt
DED: So...juicing it? Zesting it?
Rauru: Stomp up and down on it, like in traditional winemaking.
>>on Link's now fully erect dick, which was more than visible in his pants.
Link: It was SUPER-visible! Breaking all known laws of physics, able to be seen despite any amount of intervening distance and physical obstruction! Shining through all earthly matter!
>>"I saw you staring earlier, you know... You seemed really into it.
Zelda: "I can tell because you acted incredibly awkward and rejected every one of my blatant overtures."
>>Maybe you want a closer look?"
DED: Plans are now underway to land a rover and reconnaissance drone on the surface of Midna's ass by 2028.
>>Suddenly she stopped,
Rauru: ...Hey, what's that sound, everybody look what's goin' down...
>>and floated up so her ass was directly in front of his face.
DED: Someone must've had a formative sexual awakening centered around the Big Butt Skinner balloon from The Simpsons, concurrent with their playthrough of Twilight Princess.
Zelda: You mean the author of the story? Or are you just saying that, probabilistically, this must have happened to someone, somewhere?
>>Her big cheeks were just inches away from his face,
Link: If you use the other more typical sense of “cheeks,” then this sentence is describing wholesome cheek-pinching old grandma porn. Like, the Gerber baby, that kind of cheeksploitation.
>>her beautiful round curves filling his vision.
Rauru: This...kind of isn't the ideal ass-viewing angle. It’s like sitting too close to your TV.
>>"There we go, nice and close. How's it look from down there?"
Link: “Like any other random patch of your skin! I need CONTEXT, wench!”
>>Link gulped, unable to speak,
Zelda: Link only has two modes: horny and silent, or otherwise engaged and therefore telling inane stories.
Link: ...to get an even BIGGER gasket, but I’d managed to get molten plastic all over myself so my limbs...
DED: Wait so in all his silent protagonist appearances, he’s...horny all the time? It doesn’t come off that way.
Link: ...burning in my hair, but instead—oh, that? If I’m ever silent and it’s not apparent what I’m horny for, then I’m horny...for questing.
DED: I’m not sure I buy that.
Zelda: Pretty sure if it’s not somebody nearby, you’re just horny for me.
Link: Right, and how frequently are you not in some way the object of my quest?
Zelda: ...
>>and simply started and the beautiful booty being presented to him.
Rauru: In stunning 4K!
>>Midna grinned. "You don't even have to say anything
Zelda: GET THAT CONCEPT THROUGH YOUR THICK FUCKING BEHATTED HEAD!
Link: ...and THAT’s when I realized plastic gaskets melting and bursting into flame could be HARNESSED! For a...
>>for me to know that you love it, you pervert."
Rauru: Is it really that perverse and weird and unusual for...men to like ass?
DED: I don’t think so, but when has reality stopped an abuser from making hurtful claims?
>>She gave it a slap, making her thick booty jiggle in front of his face.
Zelda: Enough games. Are they gonna fuck, or fight to the death, or are you just gonna waste more time?
>>"You love my butt, don't you Linky?"
Link: As long as I can love her butt while still loathing absolutely everything else about her, then, yes.
>>"I-" Was all Link managed to get out.
DED: ...am the very model of a modern game protagonist, I've information on the weaknesses of my antagonists, in matters fetching-questical and crossing off objective lists I am the very model of a modern game protagonist!
>>She smirked. "Say 'I love your ass, princess'."
Link: “I...huvajapacess.”
Zelda: “Saaaay it...”
Link: “I love...your...”
Zelda: “SAY IT...”
Link: “...apacest.”
Zelda: “NO, ENUNCIATE IT!”
Link: “I...love...yarassafrass.”
Zelda: “We’re NOT GOING HOME until you say it!”
Link: “ALAVABAPAPISS!”
>>"I- I love your ass, princess-" He said, red as a beet.
Rauru: Beets have so many other fine qualities, it's sad to see them pigeonholed like this.
>>"Good boy~"
DED: Good boy HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWNK
>>She giggled. "Now, to show me how much you love it...
Zelda: “Write a 5-page essay, citing at least 3 credible sources. Due Friday.”
>>Kiss it."
Link: Our first kiss! So kawaii...
>>Link hesitated for a moment, staring at the beautiful juicy ass in front of him.
DED: Is this a dumptruck I see before me...?
>>Was she for real? She seriously wanted him to do this?
Rauru: I mean, she really wants him to do it, but I still feel she is deeply unserious about it.
>>"I'm waaaiting, Linky~"
Link: I can live with that.
>>Midna teased, giving her butt a wiggle. "I better start feeling those lips of yours..."
Zelda: “Assuming my ass hasn’t been rendered totally numb and paralyzed from the AWFUL ride you give me. Cripes you don’t even fluff up your dorsal fur.”
>>He let out a sigh and leaned forward, gave her ass a quick peck, and pulled away.
Link: All in all a highly successful operation. To your quarters, men!
>>"There. You happy?"
DED: Why would you even want her to be...
>>"No way, that wasn't even close to good enough." Midna responded.
Rauru: When has it ever been?
Zelda: I mean the standards are rock-bottom already.
>>"These asscheeks deserve more, don't you think?
Link: Oh, believe me, the treatment those asscheeks REALLY deserve, you can’t discuss that in polite company.
>>I wanna feel some real kisses. And lots of them."
DED: What you really want to feel is empathy, and dignity, and you just never can, because you’re an unbearable black hole of shallow prissy horniness, Midna.
Zelda: Or at least that’s what all your fans seem to think of you.
DED: Yeah.
>>Link's face was burning,
Link: Like from acid. Ass. Ass-id. Acid ass. Ass that burns because it’s covered in acid, ass-id. Ass.
>>but it seemed like he didn't have a choice.
Rauru: About whether your face is burning...? I don’t think that’s really up to you most of the time.
Zelda: Well, this is Link...he could be making better decisions...
Link: ...the funny thing about molten plastic, when one paws desperately at one’s burning face (as one does) it just drags these long strands of...
>>He puckered his lips, and without a second thought
DED: ...yet, so far today...
>>he moved in and began to kiss her ass repeatedly.
Rauru: “Oh your fashion sense is so great. And you are always so interesting to talk to.”
>>The sweet taste of her skin lingered on his lips, becoming stronger as he kept kissing.
Link: ...rip and tear? Rip and tear?!
>>"Good, good boy." Midna said, reaching a hand down and grabbing his hair.
Zelda: Oh, for sure, right when you think you’ve got Link doing the thing the way you want it, and you’re juuuuust starting to get complacent, that’s EXACTLY when he loves to go and—
Link: ...as if I were supposed to just KNOW the auto-ignition point of polypropylene? Like, come on, you’re just ASKING for princesses to have their sitting rooms set ablaze. So naturally I started helping by...
>>"Now,
DED: Too late, it’s not anymore!
>>get your pathetic cock out and start stroking.
Rauru: At least your cock has pathos.
>>I want you to jerk it while kissing my ass, understand?"
Link: “Not even slightly!”
>>Link stopped, his rational thought surfacing for a moment.
Zelda: That’ll be the day.
>>Once he did what she said, there would be no going back. His dignity would disappear.
DED: Oh, yeah. What a loss. Incalculable.
>>She glared at him. "I know you heard me. Take it out. "
Rauru: ...to the baaaallllll gaaaame, take it out...
Link: And what if my penis has retreated completely into my body in an adaptive reverse-boner at the sheer horror of what is happening? What then?
>>He just sat there in refusal, not knowing what to do.
Zelda: That’s so unexpected.
>>She sighed. "Fine.
DED: “Not whipping it out on command, 100 rupees!”
>>If you're going to be naughty... "
Rauru: Or...refuse to be, in fact, which is the whole problem she has...
>>Suddenly her hair formed into a hand,
Link: I just want to know who the FUCK taught her to do that. She wasn’t BORN with prehensile hand hair. She just started doing it one day while figuring out how her imp body works? Did Zant leave an instruction manual?!
>>pushing him onto his back on the ground. "Then I'll have to punish you."
Zelda: “Instead of just the audience, like usual.”
>>Link stared up in awe
DED: I think Midna is more “awful” in the modern sense.
Rauru: Whoa, you mean “awful” used to mean “awesome?”
DED: Yeah! English did a big switcheroo at some point. It was probably that overachieving prick, Shakespeare. AGAIN.
Rauru: That’s awsomeful.
>>as Midna began to lower her butt towards his face.
Zelda: For some reason this makes me think of the big super-slow winch thing they use to somberly lower the casket into a grave. Like, everyone’s at Link’s grave, and his corpse is lying in it and Midna is being slowly lowered ass-first towards his dead face and colorless lips, and all the mourners are crying, and Midna is crying, and then her butt touches his lips as the bagpipes play, and that’s just, like, accepted funeral practice.
Link: ...
Zelda: ...Is that weird?
Rauru: Y—
DED: —No, not at all! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Midna puts one in mind of the grave.
Link: ...Because that’s the only place safe from Midna.
DED: Exactly.
>>"This is what happens if you disobey your princess, Linky."
Link: I get a y on my name...? What does it mean?! WHO IS THIS MYSTERY DOPPELGANGER TO WHOM YOU REFER?!?
>>Midna smirked. "You become her throne."
Zelda: “Normally we boil you alive and then use the bones, but I’ve got another idea.”
>>He opened his mouth
Rauru: There's a surprise.
>>to protest but his words were quickly silenced
DED: Free Palestine!
Link: Epstein was murdered!
Rauru: Smash the billionaire class!
Zelda: Universal healthcare!
DED: ...Wait, you?
Zelda: Yeah, just because I'm a totalitarian dictator doesn't mean I can't support progressive policies.
DED: ...Huh. I guess I—
Zelda: —A healthy serf is a productive serf. THEIR preventable diseases eat into MY bottom line. You think I’m gonna let some fucking virus effectively ROB the royal treasury?!
DED: ...Never mind.
>>as her big juicy cheeks swallowed up his face,
Rauru: FINALLY, anal vore!
Link: ...I'm not sure that's where this is going.
Zelda: Also, what's with the suspicious enthusiasm?
Rauru: Oh, it isn't my fetish or anything. But it's eating, or eating-adjacent, so I gotta give it its propers.
>>kicking any noises he might have made.
DED: ..."kicking."
Link: For sure, the glutes are involved in a good swift kick, but they aren't really the star of the show...
>>Her ass completely covered his face,
Zelda: At least he can hide his shame.
Link: Can't I just get black bars over my eyes like in crime documentaries?
Rauru: Well, her ass is mostly blackish-gray...
>>pushing down on his mouth and nose and restricting his breath.
DED: Would the Zora Tunic apply in this circumstance?
>>"Mmm, you're actually really comfortable."
Zelda: "Almost makes up for how uncomfortable you make me all the rest of the time."
>>Midna moaned, giving her hips a wiggle. "Maybe this is where you belong!
Rauru: And so the future of Hyrule is doomed and darkness spreads across the land uncontested as Link abandons his quest to be a full-time chair.
Link: But hey, Midna got her rocks off ruining someone's life and that's all she ever wanted out of this.
>>You face is a perfect fit for my butt." She giggled.
DED: Many have commented on the excellent ergonomics and lumbar support his face offers.
>>Link felt his cock start to throb as the soft weight of her asscheeks pressed down on his face.
Zelda: Y’know if you call someone a “heartthrob” it means they’re dapper and sexy, but if you call someone a “cockthrob,” even though your cock only throbs because of your heart throbbing, nobody takes it to mean that.
>>Her ass completely controlled him, dominated him.
DED: And so too, it seems, is she herself a mere slave to her ass and its desires.
>>All of his senses were being assaulted by her smell and taste,
Link: And don’t forget about the destruction of my precious, fragile sanity.
Zelda: ...Such as it is.
Link: Do you think the plastic wouldn’t burn if I reconstructed the whole thing inside a bigass walk-in freezer?
Zelda: DON’T
>>by the feel of her skin on his. But his lungs began to burn.
Rauru: Midna set them on fire with magic.
>>He was running out of air, and fast.
Link: Most games I can hold my breath for like 2 minutes! That’s not bad, c’mon!
>>In a desperate protest, he pushed up on her, trying to lift her off of him.
DED: Regime forces swiftly crushed the opposition with tremendous brutality and loss of life.
>>But his efforts were unsuccessful.
Rauru: Man that’s...think about all the things he has been successful at, all the slayings and conquerings and sidequests and punishingly-random minigames. And yet this is too much for him?
>>"What's wrong hmm? Am I too heavy?
Zelda: How heavy can she BE, she's the size of a toddler!
Link: The hat, though! The hat's gotta weigh at least 1.2 times as much as her body does.
>>Do you need to breathe?"
Zelda: “Do humans need to do that? I can never remember.”
>>Midna teased.
DED: A short but accurate summary of every single Midna story ever.
>>"If you want to breathe, then get that dick out and start stroking it."
Rauru: "I've re-wired your lungs to your dick. No need to thank me."
>>Desperate for air,
DED: Yes I be the flame in the cellar, beware! The nameless cold millions gasping for air! The naked and wageless, sleep within cages, WUT they make ya PULL your SHIT just ta GET YOUR SHARE, whaa
>>Link's hands immediately shot down
Link: ...the sheriff?
Zelda: But they did not shoot the deputy?
>>and pulled down his pants, and he began to jerk himself off as quickly as he could.
DED: Team Rocket, jack off at the speed of light!
>>Midna lifted her ass off his face for a brief moment,
Rauru: One brief, shining moment...lost, like tears of bacon grease flung out of the frying pan...
>>and he took in a few relieved breaths before she sat back down.
Zelda: So the random bystanders, the people who can’t perceive Midna’s eldritch otherworldly horror of a body, they just see Link gasping and dying in an alleyway with his face all inexplicably smooshed?
>>"Mmm, start kissing it again. Now."
DED: Mmm whatcha saaay, ooo that you only meant well...
Link: No, of course she doesn’t.
>>Midna breathed heavily. "And I better feel that tongue, too."
Rauru: “And while I’m at it, you should comb your hair more often.”
>>Link obeyed, kissing and licking her ass desperately.
Zelda: Last time I saw such desperate licking was right after Rauru’s soft-serve machine got fixed after being broken for a whole day.
Rauru (licking a two-foot ice cream cone): *nyaaaooooum* Ih wath horrible. *slurp*
>>The taste of her skin and sweat filled his mouth as she began to grind on his face.
DED: Sick moves skater girl!
>>All the while, he felt pressure in his dick building as he continued stroking it.
Link: My dick building, huh? Yeah okay, architectural comparisons are appropriate, in terms of massive size and imposing grandeur...
Zelda: ...delusions of grandeur.
>>"That's right... Eat my ass, pathetic boy." She moaned,
Rauru: I...hmm...now that it’s finally happened, and she’s actually said “eat,” I...just kinda...feel empty. I thought it’d matter but it doesn’t.
DED: Wow, I wonder how you’ll react to this identity crisis of yours.
Rauru: Bizarre! Only this 24-pack of fish tacos can fill the void! *scarf*
DED: Hey I was right!
>>grabbing at his hair with one hand and pulling on it.
Link: That’s really more like “grabbing on” not “grabbing at” but it’s so moot at this point.
>>"Mmm, keep jerking that cock... Cum for your princess."
Zelda: Hey! I’m your liege lord and don’t you forget it. She only rules over dish-faced freakmonsters like herself.
>>Everything became a blur,
Rauru: All that nothing but ass he can see, it’s all blurry now.
>>as he felt the pressure build up more and more. His entire world became Midna;
Zelda: A dimension not of sight and sound, but of...ass. A world of danger and mystery, where tedious cross-country fetch quests and constant negging combine in an intoxicating blend to create a state of being known as...the Twilight Princess Zone.
>>he could taste her, smell her, feel her, hear her,
DED: Propriocept her...no wait he can’t do that.
Zelda: I could.
DED: What?
Zelda: I could! I could feel other people’s bodies as if they were my own, if I put my mind to it.
DED: ...What the fuck?
Zelda: Triforce of Wisdom, my dude, I can dial up so much wisdom I can just know stuff like that.
DED: ...Please don’t?
Link: You see, what if some guy was so dumb and unpredictable and so lacking in self-awareness that even a being with access to omniscience couldn’t read his thoughts or predict his behavior? Wouldn’t that really be, in its own way, the only true freedom possible, in a world of god-given certitude? Wouldn’t that dumbass ACTUALLY be the smartest motherfucker in the room...?
DED: ...
Zelda: ...
Link: ...Yeah, that’d be cool, I wonder if there’s a guy like that out there somewhere.
>>and his senses were overloaded with so many sensations.
Rauru: Oooooor, more accurately, his senses are overloaded with fewer sensations than ever, since his entire world is Midna, and not the thousands of other things that are usually in the world.
>>In this moment, he existed only to obey her.
Link: *prolonged and bitter laughter*
>>And then, he came.
DED: Behold, the son of Man!
>>It was a release of built up pressure that lasted only a few seconds, but those few seconds were wonderful.
Zelda: That was a lovely summary of orgasm, thank you very much.
>>He was so ready to be able to breathe fresh air again,
Link: Like, Oh, Emm, Gee, I am SO ready to not be suffocating, it’s like, SO gauche...
>>but it seemed Midna had forgotten to get off of him.
Rauru: Along with “how to wear clothes” and “what is morality.”
>>He started to tap her leg, letting her know he need air...
DED: I think she knows that. In fact it strongly seems like she does, too, and you’re both broadly similar in terms of how your respiratory system works. She’s just a psycho who wants to give you permanent brain damage with her buttcrack.
>>But she didn't budge. Her ass was still pressed firmly against his face.
Link: My face is up, her ass is down, I’d like to fuck, instead I frown.
>>"Mmm, you've been a good boy~" Midna cooed.
Zelda: I have a slightly different opinion.
>> "But you need to save your energy for tomorrow.
Link: I have been drained of a huge amount of energy by her bullshit today...
>>It's time for you to take a nap..."
DED: Or, y’know, lapse into a coma or something. You never know with oxygen deprivation.
>>Link realized what she was doing,
Rauru: ...Huh.
>>and quickly started pushing up against her with his hands.
Link: I don’t WANNA take my nap! I wanna stay up and watch cartoons!
>>He yelled at her, protesting,
Zelda: Well that's not going to work. You gotta do WAY more serious acts of sedition if you want to get concessions out of a monarch.
>>but the sound was muffled and all he got was a mouthful of ass.
DED: Followed by the sequels, "For a Few Asses More" and "The Rude, The Bad, and The Ugly (Who Are All The Same Person And It's Midna)."
>>His lungs started to burn, and slowly he began to feel himself losing conciousness.
Rauru: Isn’t it actually pretty abrupt when people lose consciousness and/or die?
>>"Night night, Linky..."
Link: Well...I can’t say I didn’t strongly suspect Midna would be the death of me, but...not like this. Not like this...
DED: It’s okay. You’re at peace now. You won’t suffer anymore.
Zelda: Yeah, you’re in a...okay I was going to say “you’re in a better place now” but you’re still lying dead under Midna’s ass in a filthy alley, so that isn’t really true.
Rauru: At least the dead have no sense of smell anymore.
