“Milk and Cherries” by farore-or-less

In the not-too distant future,

Somewhere on the Internet,

Lurked a crazy rambling author

no one could just quite forget,

Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made

Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,

They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,

So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space

We’ll send him crappy fanfics,

The worst we can find, (la la la!)

He’ll have to sit and read them all

And we’ll monitor his mind

Now keep in mind he can’t control

When the fics begin or end

He’ll try to keep his sanity

With the help of his character friends:

Random Roll Call!

Pictograph Guy! “The microphone explodes, shattering the mold!”

Rauru! “Stuff Cruss Pizza!”

Zelda! “Big princessing, spendin’ cheese!”

Link! “I forgor (skull)!”

If you don’t get how he stays alive                

Or other technicalities,

Just bear in mind that I don’t care

So don’t bother asking, please

On Random Silly Theater 3000!

“Milk and Cherries” by farore-or-less

>>In Hyrule there are certain traditions,

Link: Oh yeah, like the Stuff Marshmallows Into Your Nose Invitational.

Zelda: For the LAST TIME, that ISN’T REAL!

Link: And whose fault is THAT?! Yours!

Zelda: How—

Link: —Everything is ultimately your fault, you’re a dictator!

Zelda: ...Damn it, he’s right.

>>some more… feral than others.

DED: Will Feral?

>>Some have evolved over the years to a less colorful event while others have been forgotten entirely.

Rauru: ...And the FOOD...???

>>They've been handed down from countless generations by songs and artists,

Zelda: Hey, how come you’re giving artists credit for the art but not songwriters credit for the songs?

>>depicting deities or mythical creatures like the horned god that scares misbehaved children around the winter solstice,

DED: ...DID they ever program seasons into a Zelda game or is this just worldbuilding?

Rauru: The Oracle of Seasons has just informed me that yes, there was a Zelda game featuring seasons.

DED: Oh, right.

>>or the headless one who haunts the land when the veil between worlds has lifted.

Link: Oh yeah, Terry. He’s a bro, though.

>>When it snows,

Rauru: We can build a snowman, and pretend that he is Parson Brown!

>>candles flicker in windowsills whilst reds and greens and golds are hung over archways,

Zelda: “Reds,” “greens,” and “golds” being euphemisms for three types of undesirable citizens who are rounded up by mobs and, well, hanged over archways.

Link: Fuckin’, yikes, I don’t remember ritualistic lynch mobs in any Zelda games.

Zelda: Well they’re for kids and stuff, so Nintendo doesn’t show it, but like...let’s be real here, Hyrule’s a medieval setting, peasants gonna be up to some secluded medieval brutality along those lines, somewhere in some awful corner of the world.

Rauru: You sure you’re not projecting?

Zelda: I’m rolling with the story, they’re talking about festivals and shit! I’m just pointing out the Midsommar angle!

DED: So like, “AAAAH THE BEES, THEY’RE IN MY EYES!”...

Zelda: —EXACTLY. There’s GOTTA be a wicker man around here somewhere. Or an iron maiden, or some scaphism...my hackles are raised.

Link: You’re JUST CLASSIST.

Zelda: HACKLES!

>>commemorating the jolly return of the sun.

DED: If only I could be so grossly incandescent!

>>When summer begins, a festival of lights and ribbons and maypole dancing erupts in the villages,

Link: BRING FORTH THE GLOWING MAYPOLE FLAMING RIBBON VOLCANO! FUCK YEAH!

>>hoping to bring forth a bountiful harvest in the following months,

DED: The festival isn’t hoping for anything, it’s done in hope of things by people.

Zelda: Wow, lethal. What a badass you are. Wow.

DED: Yes, finally, some respect.

Zelda: Wow. Wow.

>>but one rather questionable tradition has developed over the years.

Rauru: Oh, trust me, I’m definitely questioning each and every one of these traditions.

>>Long ago, a festival

Link: BOOOOOOOOOORRR-iiiiiing!

>>was held shortly after the blossoming of spring,

DED: Oh let me guess, is it the Spring Blossoming Festival?

>>ignited with violent animal sacrifices and orgiastic carnality,

Zelda: Whoa okay, one of those festivals.

DED: Is that why people rioted when they played Stravinsky’s “The Rite of Spring?”

>>sexually charged energy roaming the chaotic streets

Rauru: Fucking energy itself is LITERALLY and-I-quote “roaming the streets,” this festival sounds inSANE.

>>all for the sake of fertility and purification, but now—not so much.

Link: Now, we have violent sacrificial orgy rituals for no reason.

Zelda: Toyotathon.

>>Now, the primal events of this tradition have trickled down

Rauru: ...Gross.

>>to simplicity and symbolism.

DED: Like how the Kit Kat song is a standalone complex now, or how the birth of Jesus in the desert town of Bethlehem is celebrated with trees and reindeer native to the Arctic and a white-bearded, red-velveteen-wearing fat man who was made who he is today by a food and beverage company.

Rauru: ...Yes, hello? I’m SITTING right HERE you know.

DED: ...

Rauru: ...Oh, you mean Santa Claus! Mi compadre.

>>Where once was celebrations of hunting and fucking and lecherously pursuing,

Link: Now everybody just spends all their time and money on gatcha games. Goddamn zoomers!

Zelda: Uh, no, you spend all my money on gatcha games.

DED: Are there gatcha games in Hyrule? I thought it was just Bombchu bowling and the like.

Link: They’ve evolved their prize structure. Now I get to throw explosives around AND have a tiny chance to get a little card with my favorite big titty collectable ani-maiden! Or one I already have 150 of, which I’ll throw in the trash for birds to build their nests with.

DED: ...Clever bastards.

>>have sizzled to sweet sonnets

Rauru: Now hold on! I have eaten sizzling fajita plates, casseroles yet sizzling fresh out of the oven, even a variety of carbonated drinks that could be said to sizzle on the tongue...but I ain’t NEVER seen no orgy traditions “sizzle” into poetry! THAT’S just CRAZY TALK.

DED: Don’t change the dizzle, just turn it up a little, I got a living room full of fine dime-brizzle!

>>and bouquets of roses, telling our loved ones how much we adore them,

Zelda: Well, c’mon, can’tcha still do orgiastic carnage AND tender romance?

Link: I know YOU can, but normal folks just don’t have the resources!

>>but some still hold a curiosity in the ancient practices.

DED: On this night, the mysteries of the “Cool S” will be revealed to a new generation of initiates.

>>What remains now are secret gatherings hosted by a matchmaking mage

Rauru: Oh, yeah, the wizard who makes the college basketball brackets every year.

>>in what is known as the wild hunt.

DED: Wild hunt, huh? I wonder Witcher 3 people are going to be chosen.

>>Once a year, bachelors and bachelorettes willingly participate in a mystical ceremony under the blessing of a snow moon, willingly on the hunt to find a mate, willingly

Zelda: Yes, WILLINGLY. I say again, there is blanket consent. Yup. Totally. The fact that you’ll be shunned by everybody in your tiny village which is your whole universe if you don’t participate in their fucked-up rituals doesn’t amount to coercion at all.

Rauru: Yikes, did you get picked last in high school sports or something?

Zelda: YES, no, shut up!

 

>>wanting to have a memorable night in the woods with a complete stranger.

Link: Drinkin’ beer and lookin’ for deer and talkin’ ‘bout racist things probably.

>>And Zelda's about to be matched with hers.

Zelda: ...WHUH?! I thought this was going to be about...Malon, or some other peasant in the hinterlands!

DED: Nope! You’re goin’ native, schweethaaht!

>>The moss beneath her heeled boots feels like a cushion as she shifts her weight from one side to another.

Link: ...So?!

>>All around her are two dozen hooded figures huddled close in the center of a dense forest,

Rauru: Ah, her Warhammer 40K minis.

>>faces dimly lit by the lanterns that pave a path to an altar

Link: Y’know I think Zelda might be right? This just might be a folk horror movie...?

>>and the matchmaker; a tall feminine mage

Zelda: Oooh, it could be a femboy. Nice.

DED: I mean, it’s non-exclusionary phrasing...

>>dressed in long navy fabric and lilac lipstick,

Rauru: Do you “dress” yourself in lipstick, or just “wear” it? Sorry, all I’m good at ruling on is whether things are foods and if so what kind of food.

>>chuckling cunningly down

DED: It all comes chuckling down, chuckling down, chuckling doooooown...

Link: Chuckling cunningly...or cucking chunnelingly?

Zelda: I would guess that someone’s getting cucked by this orgy ritual, the real question is if they’ll enjoy it.

>>to the crowd in front of her, but Zelda can barely hear it.

Rauru: Soooooo high right now...

DED: How to approach a woman wearing headphones?

>>Her heart's beating too fast to hear much of anything.

Zelda: I brought some benzos and some valium and some ‘ludes, we’ll be fine. We’ll be aaaalllllll good.

>>When she signed up for this,

DED: Frankly I’m amazed there’s a sign-up form, requiring peasants to be able to write their names. That’s drastically disqualifying.

>>she knew what she was getting into.

Rauru: Those vacation time-shares, on the other hand...

>>Nobody pushed her, nobody pressured her,

DED: I admit, it’d be pretty hard to. Authoritarian government structures, and all.

>>nobody even knows that she's here.

Zelda: Yeah DUH, I’m Sheikah-trained. I’m like a ghost.

Rauru: ...Dead...?

Zelda: That is not what they usually mean by that and you KNOW it.

Link: ...Repelled by salt...?

DED: You DID do a stint as a ghost, though.

Zelda: Oh yeah!

>>As an amateur historian, Zelda takes a keen interest in ancient traditions,

Link: ...Wait so what’s she doing HERE?!

>>loves finding allegorical significances in the roots of the past,

Zelda: Fuckin’ LOVE allegorical significance. It gets me so wet.

DED: I mean...getting horny because you see or think horny things IS allegory in a sense...

>>but that's not why she showed up tonight,

Rauru: There’s a tax evasion scheme involved, no doubt...

Zelda: Oh, and like that’s somehow worse than the blood sacrifice orgy.

Rauru: Personally I’d be inquiring as to the catering at this little shindig. Sounds pretty bare-bones.

>>standing rather crookedly in the soft earth,

Zelda: OKAY OKAY, tax evasion! It’s religious exemption bullshit and I’m technically spending twelve million Rupees on this trip. Look, I AM THE STATE! I can’t be crooked. It’s all of you who need to bend yourselves until your bottom line is shaped like mine. Capisce?

>>watching an impish mage work her magic

Link: That’s...sorta the point of magi, right?

>>at finding all the lovers hidden amongst the faceless crowd.

Rauru: Wait, I thought it was supposed to be random.

DED: Magic...randomness...? I dunno, I’m not a wizard.

>>She has heard numerous stories about the wild hunt,

Zelda: “Dear Penthouse. I never thought this’d happen to me, but under the conflux of auspicious stars in the hoary dawn of newborn springtide, I...”

>>experiences that only occur in the woods under the glow of a snow moon.

Link: What exactly is a snow moon, you ask? That’s not important.

>>How basking in the moonlight with the arrival of spring fogging the twilight air is corporeal and unforgettable,

DED: Um...yeah!

Rauru: Astral projection orgies are more convenient but way less satisfying.

>>physically stimulating and sexually blissful,

Zelda: About time too!

>>and perhaps Zelda will feel all of this with the one she'll be matched with tonight,

Rauru: Or this latest frivolous decadence will, like all the others, ultimately only exacerbate the gaping void in her soul.

Zelda: Cripes I don’t need this from you, too!

DED: You should try video games, it works for me!

>>but she still can't help but feel so nervous.

Rauru: ...Whatever for?

Link: Hey, I know a courageous guy!

>>Trying to tune back to her surroundings,

Zelda: Yes, centering. Anchoring. Achieving mindfulness, conquering fear. Fear is the mind-killer, the little death that brings total obliteration.

>>Zelda pans her eyes over the shadowed faces.

DED: Exterior, morning. Pan across the shadowed faces. Dizzying energy, motion sickness. Rack focus in and out at random to create a nauseating vertiginous unease.

>>Soft murmurs float through the intimate crowd with every name called out by the matchmaker.

Rauru: Murmurs, hoots, whistles, belches...

>>The altar in front of her is decorated with crimson roses and symbolic offerings

DED: Y’know, stuff. The stuff is symbolically indicative of things.

>>and there's a stack of intricately patterned oracle cards that she's using to find all the ephemeral couples tonight.

Rauru: Find the lady win a prize, step right up, find the lady...watch real close now...

>>Zelda's stare rests on the matchmaker as she picks up the top card,

DED: She’s gonna summon Exodia and send everyone to the Shadow Realm!

>>revealing an image of a gold-embroidered empress, closes her eyes, and calls out a name.

Zelda: Candyman! Candyman! CANDYMAN!

>>A figure in the back of the crowd makes their way to the altar—they've just been chosen.

Rauru: ...Oh is THAT what it means, THANK you.

>>Shortly after, the matchmaker picks up the next card in the stack, revealing its counterpart; the imperial emperor.

Link: We don’t...have one? That’s not the form of government?

Zelda: See, I’ve thought long and hard about this. “Empress” makes everybody knife-happy; people start whining about “tyranny” this and “imperialism” that. But if you just keep calling yourself “Princess” while slowly accumulating exactly the same level of power? Everybody’s all doe-eyed and hung up on the fairytale bullshit. It’s rather ideal.

>>Once again, the mage closes her eyes and calls out another name.

DED: “‘Thaddeus Schoonmaker.’ Do we have a Thaddeus Schoonmaker in the crowd? ...Nobody? Okay, Thad has fifteen minutes to claim his mystic bride before she gets shuffled back in and someone else gets her.”

>>How this mage is choosing each couple is beyond her.

Rauru: To be fair, the way people choose who they couple with in general seems pretty incomprehensible.

>>Perhaps it's magic, a hunch or a feeling, or maybe it's all just a gimmick,

Link: I mean all of those are also gimmicks.

>>either way—Zelda is spellbound.

Zelda: Oh of course. Fucking thrilling, watching someone wave tarot cards around and say random people’s names. I’m on the edge of my seat here just reading about it.

DED: Just like a high school graduation. A real pulse-pounding thrill-a-minute edge-of-your-seat spectacular.

>>She's fixated on the rhythm of the woman's slender hands swaying gracefully

Rauru: Jump in de line, find a fuck-buddy on time!

>>as she sets down every card and picks up another,

DED: Will she set them down correctly?! Will she pick up another again just because she did so twelve times previously?!

>>how the mage flutters her long lashes and takes a deep breath, only to reveal those piercing ruby eyes and that wicked smile curve devilishly and say—

Link: DAAAAAAY-o! Me say day me say day me say daaaaaay-o! Daylight come and me wan’ go home!

>>"Zelda."

Zelda: Real names?! What are you, stupid? What kind of mystic orgy IS this, have they never even watched Eyes Wide Shut?

>>Her breath hitches,

DED: Somehow everyone in the erotic fanfiction community decided that this phrase exists and means what they seem to think it means, all at once. Why?!

Rauru: Mad they didn’t let you know?

DED: Ye—No—linguistically, I’m curious about—I dunno!

>>blood running cold, and all that white noise clogging her ears suddenly stops.

Rauru: Oh, hey, the ritual cured her tinnitus! Write that down, it actually does something.

Zelda: I knew there was a good reason to study these bumpkins and their appalling practices!

>>The next several seconds feel like an eternity

Link: Same tbh.

>>as Zelda twists and turns,

DED: Dodging a bunch of bullets in slow-mo.

>>gradually finding her way through the maze of shadows

Rauru: Is that a metaphor or more supernatural ritual stuff?

>>until she's standing at the front of the crowd, closest to the matchmaker.

Zelda: These better be some damn good matches...not the crummy kind they give away in bars...

>>The tall mage with legs for days looks upon her with a glint in her eye

Link: I don’t care how many days of legs you have, I wouldn’t get into a leg-off with Zelda if I were this mage.

Zelda: My legs are just un-f-air.

>>and a smirk to her smile,

DED: So a...smile to her smile.

>>like she knows all of Zelda's deepest, darkest secrets.

Zelda: I think we all know what’d happen to her organs and arteries and extended family if that were actually true, so I guess she’s just psychotic.

>>"Ah, I see we've found our huntress for the evening," the sultry woman says, fangs visible as she speaks.

Rauru: In...her mouth, I assume, right? Or is there just some random badger skull on the table.

>>In her hand, the mage holds a card depicting an archer decked in leather, bowstring pulled taut with an arrow as they hunt through the woods.

Link: I could do that. I just don’t feel like it.

>>"Now... let's find our wolf."

Zelda: “Oh shit, it’s over there. Everybody move away fr...oh, crap. Yikes.”

Rauru: “Okay so at least it’ll take some time for the wolves to devour that guy, so if everyone else will kindly move in an orderly fashion towards the exits...”

>>Heart pounding through her chest, Zelda can only stare

DED: What? No, no, the wolf is the one whose heart bulges out of his chest and his eyes bug out, and smoke comes out of his ears. If the ritual is particularly effective, his jaw makes a cash-register noise and drops all the way to the floor and then his tongue rolls out like a red carpet.

>>as the mage picks up the following card,

Rauru: Ah, yes, the Four of Dongs.

>>revealing her counterpoint;

DED: An egalitarian peasant uprising?

Zelda: Keep dreamin’.

>>a grey wolf on a rocky ledge,

Link: Wait, which one is the symbol? Is it The Wolf or The Ledge?!

>>head thrown back as it howls at the milky moon.

Link: Or is it The Moon?! This could be interpreted in literally threes of ways!

>>The mystical woman goes into her trance once more;

Rauru: Something tells me she’s paid by the hour, not on commission.

Zelda: Oooor...consummation.

>>feeling the canine energy of the card in her hand, mind floating through that astral plane to find the alpha who matches it.

DED: “Congrats! I have made contact with an astral entity whose true name cannot be formed with the human throat and lips, but is known to us as It That Subsumes. And It’s agreed to be your gigolo as part of one of Its eon-spanning inscrutable schemes!”

>>With a twitch of her jaw and release of an exhale, she chuckles softly,

Zelda: “HIM?! Pfffaaaahahahahahaha right, well, the gods DO have a sense of humor...”

>>then calls out a name Zelda has never heard before.

DED: Madeleine Albright.

>>Turning to face the crowd behind her,

Link: Hellooooooo Hyrule! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!

>>Zelda scans for movement—

Rauru: ...They’re in the vents! They’re in the floor! They’re EVERYWHERE! Game over, man!

>>not knowing if Link is the name of a man or a woman.

Link: WHOA, hey, come ON, isn’t it obvious?!

Rauru: Would “Fairy Boy” be better?

DED: Hey, you have no room to talk, YOU’RE named after a town.

Rauru: You hush.

Link: Also, if I may complain, other ritual participants got to be freaking Emperor and Empress, there’s a cool Dungeons and Dragons ranger card, and who knows how many other awesome things...and I’m getting singled out for duty as prey?!

>>Several seconds pass in silence and there's a fleeting moment where she thinks that maybe they're hiding or have left entirely and that maybe she'll be completely alone in the woods tonight,

DED: No such luck...

>>until two figures part a path and a broad-shouldered man steps out between them.

Link: Where’s my fanfare?! Trumpets! Or at least a distinctive bass sting.

>>He's wearing the same cloak as every participant; a dark blue hood draped over his head and hair, hiding his features in the flickering shadows.

DED: That should have been a colon, SIR. OR MADAM, OR MY GOOD THEY/THEM.

>>The white of his button-down shirt shines beneath the moonlight like wolf fur in the snow,

Rauru: Like a vanilla ice cream cone dropped on the pavement...

Zelda: Hold up. Link, wearing a white button-down shirt and keeping it clean and white? It is to laugh.

>>and his dark leather boots are already covered with mud like he's been trekking through the forest much longer than just this evening.

DED: Or he’s incredibly messy, which...

Zelda: ...Like I was saying...

>>As he strides up to her, she can see the rigid muscles of his thighs beneath his trousers,

Link: If I gotta wear pants, I’m glad they’re tight pants.

>>can see his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallows down his nerves and when he gets closer,

DED: Hey, they aren’t children of Adam. The God of Abraham has nothing to do with Hyrule and its fruity elves.

Link: Hey!

Rauru: Harsh, but theologically consistent.

DED: Relax, I’m saying you’re all off the hook! You’re pure fictional beings who don’t bear Original Sin.

Rauru: Right, so, onto the orgy ritual!

>>the face of the man Zelda's been matched with comes out of the shadows.

Zelda: That’s fine and all, but I’m really gonna want...the other parts of him at some point in the proceedings.

>>There's a softness to his features she wasn't expecting.

Rauru: Way more polygons than you’d think.

>>His cheeks are sweetly rounded with a cluster of freckles scattered across his nose, thoroughly different from the roughness of his hands and body

DED: And, lest we forget, he also has the brain of a small boy within a hardass grown man’s body.

>>and when their eyes meet, a cold shiver cascades down her spine like trickling ice.

Link: Pure erotic thrill.

Zelda: It’s just dread. It's a dread of some kind of DIY experiment disaster that you perpetrated because you were bored. Here at this delicately prepared mana-drenched ritual ground, the possible consequences of your bunglings are truly extreme.

Link: Pure...erotic...thrill.

>>Eager blue eyes meet the fierceness in her green

DED: Forming a lovely blend they could sell at the paint store, called something like Tahiti Turquoise.

>>and although Zelda's whole body is electric with nerves

Zelda: Yes! I have nerves in my body that run on electricity.

Rauru: Wow it’s like we basically are the robots already, man.

>>and excitement and temptation,

DED: And impatience and dyspepsia...

>>she still can't help but doubt the decision of matching the two of them together.

Link: Because ALLLLLL she knows how to do is COMPLAIIIIN, complain, complain!

>>Because he looks like he could eat her alive.

Zelda: I’m RIGHT to complain! My life is in danger!

Rauru: As a VIP, isn’t that kinda always true?

Link: Exactly! And so, it’s always with the complaining! “Link, that poses a national security risk!” “Link, you’ve compromised the structural integrity of the castle!” “Link, you’ll give us all salmonella!” It NEVER ENDS!

>>Wicked laughter breaks their stare,

DED: OOOOOOOOOOOhohohoho!

>>so they turn to look at the mage.

Rauru: “...What? You got a problem, take it up with the gods. No refunds. Gedouttaheah.”

>>"And here we have our wolf... and what a sight you are." The mage drags her eyes up and down Link's body guilefully,

Zelda: Blatant and extensive staring is the mark of real guile, after all.

>>then looks over at Zelda and does the same.

DED: “And here we have our not-wolf...and what a sight you are.”

Link: “Umm, right, so the ritual—”

DED: “And there’s one of those funny pill-bugs on the ground! And what a sight you are.”

>>"Frankly,

Rauru: My dear, I don’t give a damn.

>>I couldn't have come up with a better matching even if I tried," she sighs, brazenly proud of herself.

DED: What...the FUCK does that mean, YOU DID IT. YOU LITERALLY JUST DID IT. YOU DID IN FACT TRY.

Rauru: She’s saying she didn’t try, but wouldn’t get a better result if she worked harder, so she didn’t.

>>Zelda turns to look at him again to find that he's already looking back.

Link: NO one out-ogles the Oglemeister! Fastest draw in the West.

>>There's a smile teasing the corners of his mouth

DED: Miss me with that schoolyard shit. If this smile has a beef with his mouth they should just throw hands.

Zelda: Mouth...hands...beef...?

Rauru: BEEF?!

>>and his eyes dance around her face, taking in the sight of her. It's oddly exposing

Link: ...“Oddly?”

>>and strangely endearing, but there's a reckless notion lying just beneath that warm expression.

Zelda: Duh. It’s Link.

>>Hunger.

Rauru: To hunger! It is to be alive.

>>And what worries her the most is... she's looking at him the exact same way.

Zelda: I’m mirroring Link’s behavior? Oh cripes that IS worrying.

Link: What way? What’s worrying? I don’t get it. I’m bored. I wanna spray builder’s foam all over random things.

>>"As most obvious," the mage interrupts again. "Zelda will be the huntress tonight and Link—" she turns to him and beams with suggestive intentions. "You will be the hunted."

DED: He’s not that great at innuendo, is the thing. A bit literal-minded. I’d be concerned that he—

Link: I am going BEAST MODE on all pursuers. I’m gonna dig pit traps. Snares. Deadfalls.

Rauru: It’s just a game, man.

Link: DEARLY BOUGHT WILL BE MY LIFE, PAID IN BLOOD AND PAIN.

>>He doesn't speak, doesn't reply with words—simple compliance in the form of a single nod.

Zelda: Let it not be said that there’s nothing good and useful about Link’s personality.

>>"Don't make it easy for her, either. She likes a challenge."

Link: Tripwires! Punji stakes! Poison darts! Bad takes! Acid buckets!

>>Without another word spoken, the mage hands a wicker basket to Link.

DED: Oh, yeah, no explanation necessary. Everyone is familiar with the eldritch wicker basket. See TVTropes, “The Eldritch Wicker Basket.”

Rauru: I am gonna swipe that pick-a-nick basket.

>>Every couple has received one this evening—though it seems like no one knows what's in it yet.

Zelda: Because no one cares.

>>The wild hunt works as follows;

Rauru: Article 1, section 1, paragraph 1. The following festival is an arcane business relationship between a licensed and bonded veritable paranormal force manipulator (hereafter WITCH) and two or more persons seeking magical benediction (hereafter PLAINTIFF(S)) for services included but not limited to carnal matchmaking, lust induction, ovulation enhancement, and/or any other forms of supernatural service generally termed “sex magick” (see Red Hot Chili Peppers, The)...

>>one person in each pairing is let loose in the woods before the other and carries the basket of items to use for their intimate gathering,

Link: Waaaait, is this just some big promotional event for the lube and dildo manufacturers of Hyrule?

Zelda: They could use the help!

>>but that's only if their other half is able to find them. Of course, most couples don't make it very far into the tree line, succumbing to temptation more than the thrill of a hunt,

DED: But, please, at least get far enough into the foliage that we don’t have to look at you.

>>but Link looks like he's ready to bolt to the deepest part of the forest as soon as his hands are on the basket.

Link: Hell yeah, I’m in it to win this thing.

Zelda: You’re JUST SUPPOSED TO FUCK!

Link: I want my number one victory royale! Winner winner chicken dinner!

>>Curious by nature, he lifts the lid of it slightly, not even wide enough to peek into,

Rauru: Can’t have been THAT curious, then...

>>and instantly the sound of the mage's voice startles him, making his shoulders jump.

Link: Ah! No! My shoulders, bursting out of my body! Painful and very inconvenient!

>>"Ah! No peeking," she says and waggles a finger like he's a misbehaved pet.

Zelda: Yes, yes, how wildly appropriate a simile that is. Droll indeed.

>>By her scolding, Link's cheeks flush pink

Rauru: Ahh, the witch is punishing him with a tiny fire spell.

Link: It doesn’t mean that! Don’t YOU start on me too!

Zelda: Hmm...fire...

DED: By the scolding of that binch, flush his cheeks and make him flinch!

>>and his smile starts to grow bashful

Rauru: He does have a real penchant for bashing things after all.

Link: Yep. Gigantic hammers. Love ‘em. “Can’t save the world without a hammer that could break the shin of God,” that’s what I always say.

DED: I don’t know about that, but you can always give it a bash...

>>and Zelda can't hold back the stupid grin forming on her face.

Zelda: No...NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Link: JOOOOIIIN UUUUUSSSSSS!

>>There's no doubt about it; he definitely holds certain canine qualities.

Rauru: ...Pissing as we speak!

>>He's obedient and curious, timid but feral,

DED: Hairy, but smelly...

Rauru: Average eyesight, but a powerful bulb of olfactory neurons...

Zelda: Cute, but of subhuman intelligence...

Link: Hey, that’s out of line! You don’t know for a fact there aren’t any dogs that are as smart as a human.

>>and seeing how easily he matches the card of the wolf just makes her wonder;

DED: ...Is he a threat to livestock?

>>if he connects so well to what was matched for him, then what makes Zelda a huntress?

Rauru: Well...

DED: Everyone knows what makes our Zelda a huntress.

Zelda: I don’t know what you mean! I’m a nerd, just like the story says. I’m all about lore and history and shit! A nerd. A harmless nerd.

DED: You are always talking about murdering people and crushing peasants and stuff.

Zelda: Smart and harmless, and honest!

>>With a dismissive wave of her hand, it's clear the mage wants the two of them to return to the crowd so she can continue with the matching ceremony.

Rauru: Yeah, there’s a line here! Don’t be a fucking Karen and hold everyone up complaining to the witch manager.

>>Link turns on his heels and begins walking towards the shadowed figures again

Link: I have the package. It’s full and bulging. Now I’ve got to penetrate as deeply into the bush as I can...and hide from this woman.

Zelda: You aren’t just doing a bit...you literally don’t grasp this fictional premise at all, do you?

Link: Yes! Or, wait, no! No and then yes...no! Yes and then no, the one that means I’m right shut up!

>>and Zelda tries to comply, to go along with everything so faithfully, but her crippling self-doubt consumes her and she hesitates.

Zelda: Hmm, yeah...I guess I appreciate this honest take on my psyche. I mean, I’m an introspective woman, with brain superpowers; I admit I’m always wracked with self-doubt. And uncertainty, and paranoia, and occasionally violent impulses and all-consuming vengeance.

Rauru: Wwwwelllll...aren’t we all? A little? But like not NEARLY as much as you though, by orders of magnitude.

Zelda: Whatever. I will say though, to the contrary, it’s not crippling. I operate just fine.

DED: That’s an...interesting choice of verb.

Zelda: You know. Operator.

>>"There must be some mistake," Zelda says slowly,

Rauru: “...I’m supposed to be the Tortoise.”

>>sheepishly.

Link: “No wait, the Sheep!”

>>She turns back with a frown and adds; "because I'm not a huntress."

Zelda: Huntress strongly implies dealing mostly with animal prey.

DED: Look, you are just arguing technicalities now.

Zelda: Fine, whatever! Clearly this third-rate magic deck doesn’t have enough suitable options, like The Assassination Appreciator, or The Nerd, or else that’s what I’d end up as.

Link: You are a nerd. No one ever said you weren’t, you fuckin’ nerd.

>>The mage chuckles at her, low and almost mockingly. "Oh, but you are.

Rauru: “But I can see one in the discard pile that’s called ‘The Hidden Princess!’”

DED: “Huntress, nailed it, gods never lie, NEXT!”

>>You just haven't found the right prey."

Zelda: This is SO CLOSE to my ideal story...

>>"But—"

Link: —ts and I cannot lie!

>>"Trust in my decision dear huntress. Many have doubted my matchings in the past,

DED: “None made it out of these woods alive!”

>>but I will have you know,"

Rauru: You can make brownies in a cupcake or muffin tray so there’s more edge brownie per unit volume!

>>she places her hands on the altar and leans towards her.

Zelda: “...that I have placed my hands on the altar and leaned towards you.”

>>"That I am never wrong."

Link: We never lose, Mr. Bond!

>>It's true,

DED: ...Is it REALLY...?

>>even tonight there have been a few who have doubted her,

Link: And rightly so!

>>that's why it's highly recommended to come open-minded and alone

Rauru: This is the most transparent con I have ever seen. Hyrule is full of God’s perfect marks, people just DESPERATE to be victimized.

DED: Then again that describes most video game worlds...

>>because these midnight matchings often continue after the sun rises.

Link: The fuck does any of that have to do with doubting or not doubting the matchmaker?!

>>The application process is meticulously detailed;

Rauru: SPARE US

>>only approving those on the guest list whom she can confirm with absolute certainty will be matched with a soulful partner

DED: Semicolon wrong, your statement makes no sense, the application process is not the “she” who can confirm with absolute certainty, GONG.

>>—so Zelda turns to look at hers again. His blue eyes are soft and kind but studying her,

Zelda: There ARE a small range of things he’ll study.

Link: I study lady girl bodies of sexy women real good.

DED: I guess the real question is what ranked order he studies the parts in...

Rauru: Like is he an ass man, a tit man, that kinda thing?

Link: I’m not telling. I’m keeping y’all on your toes and guessing.

>>possibly wondering why she wasn't doubting him—just herself.

DED: That is an EXCELLENT question. She should doubt him more. And the witch, and this whole institution: doubt, doubt, doubt. I mean ideally she’d doubt the very monarchy itself and become totally based—

Zelda: —ABUPUPUBUH heresy talk!

>>When she walks back to the crowd, Link follows so he can stand beside her for the remainder of the ceremony,

Link: But I thought I...was gonna run away and play in the woods and...you’re telling me this is just another STANDING-AROUND-type ceremony?!

>>but her mind is elsewhere.

Zelda: Left it at home, thank GOD. Just running my body on autopilot...

>>Now that she's labeled a huntress and matched to a man who smells like musky cologne and maple butter,

Rauru: H-HOOOOOLD on there, sporto! Are you really talking about maple butter, or do you mean maple cream? You see, maple cream is 100% maple syrup that’s been whipped into a...

>>the thought of dragging her tongue down his neck is entering her mind more than she cares to admit and it's making Zelda feel a plethora of different things.

DED: ...Not THAT many, though. Like, sure, a big-ish slice of the region related to horniness and excitement and shame and uncertainty, but like...that’s still a pretty narrow band, when you consider, y’know, every different thing you can feel.

>>But the most solid feeling she has to hold onto is a flutter of butterflies nesting in the pit of her stomach

Zelda: Great, perfect.

>>and a stranger she wants to straddle beside her

Link: I mean that’s how all women feel when they’re near me.

>>and in a few minutes she's going to have to hunt this man down in the middle of a moonlit forest.

Rauru: This is the most firmly established premise in the history of premises and establishments.

>>The mage is almost done with the matching ceremony when Zelda feels something warm brush against her hand.

Zelda: Gah! Some damn skulking varmint! Does it have rabies?! I never should have come to the countryside!

>>She doesn't flinch or step away, but in the corner of her eye she sees Link's index finger brushing over her knuckles.

Link: “One...two...threeeeeee...four! Wow, same number as me! It must be fate...”

>>It's the softest touch Zelda has ever felt, like a gentle nuzzle from an animal,

DED: I wanna softly touch you like an ANIMAL! I wanna nuzzle on the outside...

>>as if he's trying to ease her nerves just as much as his own.

Rauru: And failing at both...

>>An invigorating breath enters her lungs then, free of the worries that used to shallow it, and she finds herself reaching back.

Zelda: Even princess/huntresses get an itchy ass sometimes.

>>Slowly, with hesitant movements,

DED: Lacking in both speed and alacrity, at a langorous pace, in a fashion retarded...the literal older meaning of the word, I’m not politically incorrect...please don’t cancel me...

>>her fingers brush over his and he follows her lead until their fingers are entwined and he's holding her hand and she's holding his back, and neither of them are planning on letting go.

Link: No, this is BS! I’m gonna run away into the woods, I was promised this.

>>The silence falls as the final couple settles back into the crowd and the mage begins her speech.

Rauru: “Friends, Hylians, countrymen! I come not to bury my bone, but to help you bury yours! The horny that men do lives after them, the good is oft discarded along with their used condom!”

>>"Now that our matches have been completed, allow me to introduce myself."

DED: My name is Humpty, pronounced with an -umpty!

>>She walks around the altar, revealing the full extent of her glimmering robe and scandalous garment.

Zelda: Oh, the Satanic Verses Sports Bra.

>>"I am the Princess of Twilight,

Link: Wait what the HELL the FUCK OH GOD OH NO!! SHE’S DOING FUCKING WHAT TO OUR DIMENSION NOW?! MAGICAL FUCK-RITUALS?!

Zelda: I just KNEW this was all Midna’s fault somehow! This slovenly thaumaturgy had her sleazy stank all OVER it!

>>and welcome all lovers on this sacred night.

DED: “Wuzeverybody drinkin’ tonight?!”

>>As you know, we are gathered here to participate in the wild hunt of the spring season, to let our true selves run wild and free under the gaze of a snow moon."

Rauru: “If that ISN’T why you’re here, you’re probably supposed to be in Grove 12-C with the outdoor adventures team-building seminar. Just head back out and take a left.”

>>Her hands raise in the air,

DED: As though she just don’t care.

>>gesturing towards the starlit sky.

Rauru: “That, up there, is the sky. You’ll be pleased to know it’s always over your head even when you can’t see it.”

>>"You have all come here tonight seeking separate desires. Many of you are wickedly curious, wanting to free yourselves from normalcy, to bask in the wild that flows through our veins.

Link: “YEAH WE ARE, HURRY UP!”

>>Some of you are here to conceive, for this night is budding with new beginnings, but there are those simply here on a quest for love."

Zelda: “If so, you’re shit outta luck. The gods can help with lust, but love? That’s WAAAAY above my pay grade.”

>>A softness crinkles around her eyes as she scans the crowd—until they fall on Link, and stay there.

Rauru: Get ready to dodge a laser beam, probably.

Link: Pshh, I know that, of course I know what happens when eyes look at me too long.

>>Zelda can feel the heat rising beside her, can feel his body growing stiff with embarrassment

DED: Shame boner?

Zelda: See I’m not sure he has shame in the conventional sense...within the framework of normal consequence-logic let’s say.

Link: Is this about that layer of goo over your equestrian portrait? For the millionth time, I don’t need to feel shame about it, because ultimately it’s your fault for preventing me from pressing the button while in the dining room. If you really wanted to avoid an explosion of goo you should have just TOLD me that the compressor was...

>>—when she looks over, his face is bright red and he's scratching the nape of his neck with his free hand.

Rauru: Embarrassed modesty? What’s wolflike about that?

>>His behavior is all very sweet until it dawns on her that she doesn't really know why she's here herself.

Link: Oh and THEN what, it turns to poop? I’m STILL behavin’ all very sweet over here while you’re having your existential crisis, you know!

>>Originally, she thought she was seeking pleasure, ready to have some mischievous fun in the woods with someone she'll never see again, but now she's not so sure.

Zelda: NOW this whole debacle is seeming like way more trouble than it’s worth.

>>If her partner is here for something much, much greater then... what is she here for?

DED: Absolutely NOTHIN’! Say it again! Awww, LOVE! Huh! Good GAWD, y’all!

>>The mage breaks her gaze on Link to continue her speech. "We uphold this tradition because many believe we discover our true selves this evening, and with it, our true partners.

Rauru: “Others believe this is a barely-disguised brothel existing through a combination of woodland obscurity and legal loopholes. Where does the truth lie? As always, in the misty realm of uncertainty somewhere between...”

>>Since many of you have only just met, allow me to go over the rules quickly so you can have the rest of the night to… acquaint yourselves," she winks.

DED (sensually): “Scattergories.”

>>"I'll get straight to the point;

Link: It’s TOO LATE!

>>intercourse is highly encouraged, though not necessary,"

Zelda: “Though overall it is still necessary for the populace as a whole to get jiggy at a certain rate or there’ll be a generational collapse, so like, think about family planning and the future of the great nation of Hyrule.”

>>she says, and excitement hums through the crowd.

Rauru: “Oh thank goodness, plausible deniability!”

DED: “I’m THRILLED I don’t actually have to fuck this goatish slob I’ve been partnered with!”

Link: I’m excited! With intercourse optional, we can focus on winning the forest champeenship!

>>"It is also recommended to create a safe word with your partner, but many of you won't be needing that."

Zelda: Unsafe at any speed.

>>The mage rests her stare on the couple that was called for the empress and emperor cards earlier, making both figures shift restlessly, just like Link did.

Rauru: Let’s try to puzzle this out, huh? What exactly does it MEAN for her to say “many of you won’t be needing [a safe word]” and for them to get embarrassed?

DED: Does it mean they...they’re already well-versed in BDSM and don’t need to create any new protocols? Does it mean they’re lameoids who won’t be doing anything worth a safe word?

Link: Or are they just uneasy at having an unhinged hedge witch stare at them in public, rattling the sticks and bones in her matted hair?

Zelda: I hope Midna is dressing the part...

>>"For those being hunted," her voice gets louder, enunciating her words with significance.

DED: For those about to rock...WEEEE SAAAAALUTE YOOOOOU!

>>"You shall be let loose first. Your role tonight is to seek out a spot in the woods for you and your partner that'll be befitting enough for your private ceremony.

Link: She’ll never find me.

Zelda: I’M SUPPOSED TO, THAT’S HOW YOU WIN!

Link: ...WHAT?! That changes EVERYTHING! Wonder if I’ll remember it.

>>Find a good spot, dear lovers, for these woods are vast, but the sound does carry."

Rauru: “I can tell you from personal experience, the damn NIMBYs in the housing development over there CAN hear it when you disembowel a black goat and a black cockerel at the stroke of midnight.”

>>The crowd chuckles softly.

DED: With forced, nervous politeness.

>>"For the hunters," the mage continues and Zelda's attention narrows.

Zelda: Oops, oh gee, I’m suddenly very very absorbed and intrigued by this little inchworm I just saw by my boot.

>>"It is your job to find them, of course.

Link: “Why am I even bothering to say it? I guess I just like the sound of my own voice. Captive audience, and all. Ha! You’re all desperately horny and can’t start until I say so, I hold all the cards! Even though I’ve drawn and discarded all the cards!”

>>I must warn; a few of you will have difficulty finding your partners tonight, but do not fret; the thrill is in the chase... and all of you will find what you're looking for."

Rauru: “If that means if you fail and end up jerking off in the bushes, well...think deeply about what that says about you before you complain to me.”

>>Her filthy grin is more wicked now than ever.

DED: Midna, filthy, wicked, yup, checks out.

>>Turning gracefully to the altar, the matchmaker picks up the hollow ram horn and holds it in front of her.

Zelda: “...This? This, I dunno WHAT the hell THIS is for. Who left this here?”

>>"By the first blow of this horn, the hunt shall begin and the hunted can run.

Link: She’s gonna hit us with it...?

>>By the second blow,

DED: “...Do you mean ‘on the second blow,’ ma’am?”

>>you hunters will follow… Are you ready?"

Rauru: ...Hey WAIT a second, who’s the hunter/hunted in the Emperor and Empress cards? Why do all the cards even have different suits, if they only encode two basic designations?!

>>Her voice contains a melodic tune, excitement and adrenaline slowly seeping from her words and into the crowd and everyone answers in a wave of crowing delight.

DED: Especially from the couple who were designated The Crow and The Carcass.

>>All eyes are on the mage when she brings the thin end of the ram horn to her lips,

Zelda: Have I ever drunk out of a horn? I suppose I ought to give it a try...

>>and with a pause that seems impishly teasing, the matchmaker blows.

Link: She blows hard.

Rauru: “Matchmaker Blows It Big Time,” that’s the headline. Yup.

>>A booming sound of alarm rings through the trees

Link: Ooh, ooh, is it the horn?

>>and commotion erupts through the crowd and everything moves at once.

DED: Yeah, on the atomic level, everything is moving at once. It’s cold, but it’s not absolute zero out here.

>>There's discombobulated sounds of screaming giggles and hysterical laughter,

Rauru: At least her stand-up routine didn’t bomb as bad as it usually does.

>>rushed footsteps as hooded figures dart into the trees in all directions

Zelda: See? Usually, there are rushed fleeing footsteps as soon as she starts her bit.

>>and the blow of the mage's horn still rings throughout the forest, everything's in motion—everything besides Link.

DED: I was afraid of this.

Link: Afraid of what?

Zelda: Link...the contest is starting. The contest you were obsessively misinterpreting, the one where you want to run and hide from sex for all eternity. It’s time for you to run.

Link: ...What the hell are you talking about?

>>Her initial reaction is to start yelling at him,

Rauru: W—

Zelda: —DON’T EVEN START!

Link: You DO tend to yell, honey.

Zelda: NO I DON’T!!!

>>but Link stays frozen in place as the world rushes past,

DED: Leeeetting the daaays go byyyy, let the water hold me down...

>>like he doesn't care about any of it.

Link: Oh, gosh, yes, VERY much like that.

>>Before she can scold him or rudely insist he let her go, Link brings her hand up to his lips and places a soft kiss there.

Rauru: Nice try but I don’t think it’ll work.

Link: I do way more erotic labor for her than a mere kiss on the hand, but it still isn’t good enough.

Zelda: Heroic/sexual servitude is the STARTING POINT! I’m still allowed to be mad at you for the goddamn goo!

Link: GET GOO’D, SCRUB!

>>It's another attribute she wasn't expecting,

Rauru: He’s got lips, eh?

>>and the anxiousness that flooded her veins moments ago is replaced by the touch of his lips on her skin and she invites it warmly.

DED: We’ll leave it up to you to interpret how she might do so.

>>Like contentment and safety and although they haven't spoken a word to each other yet, she feels oddly connected to him.

Link: Matched via bog witch and sent to fuck in the woods? An odd connection for sure.

>>"Don't keep me hunting too long, okay?" She whispers, a smile teasing on her lips.

Zelda: I’m on a SCHEDULE here...?

>>A small puff of air hits her skin where his mouth idles, hot and humid as he chuckles.

Rauru: Wow great thanks for that.

>>He raises his head and their eyes meet again. He stands tall once more and with a small nod and a smirk to his smile,

DED: A smirk to his smile, a lips to his mouth, a car to his vehicle, a cat to his animal, a subset to his set...

>>Link takes a step away from her, swivels on his heels, and starts jogging towards the trees.

Zelda: No sense of urgency?

Link: I’m conserving my energy. I’ve got this shit all planned out.

>>As Zelda watches his figure disappear into the darkness, she takes a long, resetting breath.

DED: Ah, there was a Twilight Princess speedrunning glitch involving resetting and watching the title screen.

Rauru: PLEASE don’t start the story over though.

>>There's a strange sensation creeping under her skin

Zelda: Step out into the woods for FIVE MINUTES and ALREADY I’m writhing with subcutaneous parasites.

>>as the crowd dwindles around her,

DED: Yep, ol’ “Room-Clearer” Zelda they call her.

>>a sensation that maybe tonight with all the worries and doubts she's had—maybe she might discover something about herself that she's never really known before.

Link: She never knew how much she hated rustic sex rituals...

>>And that scares her more than the howling wolf in the woods does.

Rauru: Dumbass city-slicker.

>>» . «

Noises clash throughout the trees. Hurried footsteps and maniacal laughter, gusts of gasps that carry through the trees and turn into heavy moaning.

DED: Damn this shit got SPOOPY. Maybe NOW is when the horror starts. I mean, horny teens all split up and separated in the woods? COME ON. Now is when Midna starts stalking and killing people one by one...

>>The unmistakable sounds of urgent hands roaming over the physiques of their lovers

Link: That...isn’t really the distinctively loud part of sex, methinks.

>>and Zelda tries to ignore it all, but it's ridiculously distracting.

Zelda: These goddamn fanfics and their horny prose...

>>There's a strange ping of jealousy whittling in the pit of her stomach.

Rauru: Well howdy! Don’t mind me none, just a-whittlin’ me up a lil’ ol’ figurine, down in the pit of the stomach. Now some folks might call me a “strange ping,” but that’s just plumb unfair.

>>As everyone else around her is in the warm hands of another, Zelda can merely tug at the seams of her cloak a little tighter as she ventures deeper into the forest.

DED: Alone on a Friday night? God you’re pathetic.

>>When the second horn was blown

Link: *mouth airhorn noises*

>>and the hunters were allowed to start chasing, it was a solid ten minutes after Link had dashed into the shadows.

Zelda: “Damn, it’s been a solid ten inches...err, no, I mean a big ten minutes...ten hot stiff minutes waiting for the horny to...uh, waiting to...blow...with the...the...horn.”

>>He could be anywhere by now because that was close to an hour ago and at this point, Zelda's lost track of what direction she's even walking in.

Rauru: And he can teleport by playing lil’ songs.

Link: There’s also holes in the ground I could hide in! There’s various warps and shortcuts. This whole sex game idea is a GREAT fit for the terrain! Why it’s like it’s designed to be a cool area to run around in and explore!

Zelda: If this story ends with me not getting laid it’s gonna be the greatest metatextual trolling I’ve ever witnessed.

>>She tries to get inside his head.

DED: WHOA there.

Zelda: NO no no, that’s risky even for ME. I would never attempt it.

Link: Yay! Free of mind control because me am too sideways-smart!

Zelda: I’m just trying to get inside his pants for God’s sake!

>>What would someone like him be doing? Where would someone like him be hiding?

DED: Where oh where has my little dog gone, oh where oh where could he be?

>>She's assuming he'd probably want to find a place intimately private, a nook or a sanctuary hidden well within the woods so they wouldn't be interrupted by the groans of wild lovers.

Rauru: Luckily, Hyrule is covered with many ancient ruins that are excellent for this purpose, and absolutely no one cares about defiling antiquity.

Zelda: Nope! I’ve already hoarded everything worthwhile; the rest of archeology is just Link stuff. I.e. useful but ugly old junk.

Link: And I’ve cleaned ‘em out, too! So yeah, go nuts! The people who built those dungeons did, and they’re are all dead now, and were assholes in the first place given all the deathtraps they left behind.

Rauru: Well that’s the other thing about fucking in the ancient ruins.

>>With a furrowed brow, Zelda pulls at her cloak again and continues walking.

DED: Probably the right call...

>>It was recommended to come tonight wearing something… appropriate for the occasion.

Zelda: Oh I’ve got it on already...it’s really uncomfortable in my pants...

>>Something that's quick to unbuckle or easy to slip off, and now Zelda's wishing she didn't.

DED: Didn’t WHAT?! YOU are the one who didn’t, you didn’t MAKE A SENTENCE!

>>The cool breeze nips through her skimpy blue chemise

Zelda: “Nips through” indeed.

>>like snow on her skin, making her shiver.

DED: “Dateline: Hyrule. Seven are confirmed dead, four are in critical condition, and dozens remain missing after a disastrous cold snap during a savage rural orgy. The culprit magician is wanted for questioning as a massive operation unfolds...”

>>During the matching ceremony, she noticed there were a few people wearing even less than she is,

Rauru: It must have been weird putting on a thong and hiking boots and nothing else.

>>but whoever they are they're probably much warmer considering most matches have found their partners by now,

Link: I’m winning! I knew I had it in me!

>>Where is he? This forest is massive and every tree looks the same and she's fairly certain she's passed this circle of mushrooms before.

Zelda: Welp, at least when I collapse from exhaustion and die of exposure out here, the mushrooms will appreciate it...

>>Determination blooming into frustration, she starts walking in a mindless direction

DED: What? C’mon Princess, don’t deny your inherent Buddha-nature!

>>—picking a new path towards the right that has thicker forestry—until she hears the sound of a twig snap nearby and Zelda comes to a dead stop.

Link: Ohohohoho, which trap did she trigger?

>>That was a little too close.

Rauru: Something almost happened in this story.

>>Frozen where she stands, Zelda takes a shaky inhale then holds her breath. Listening. Waiting.

Zelda: Look, okay, I’ll spell this out for you: when aristocrats hunt—the way you’re supposed to do it—the hounds flush out the prey, and you’re brought to where it is, and kill it once it’s thoroughly both found and subdued. THIS, this is bullshit.

>>She's had this feeling for a while now—that someone's following her.

Rauru: All the actual local predators LOVE festival season. Scavengers, too.

DED: Worms and maggots? Thrilled.

>>When the sounds started, she convinced herself she was merely hearing the lascivious noises of lovers running wild,

Rauru: Or fucking, even.

Zelda: That’s SUPPOSED to be the second step...

>>but every time she looked in the direction of where the suspicious footsteps were coming from, no one was ever there.

Link: Invisible fuckos! Lens of Truth ‘em!

>>Now she knows what's happening. She's being stalked.

Zelda: Stalks, twigs, bugs, dirt, cobwebs, I hate EVERYTHING about this forest!

>>Amongst the endless list of books she's read,

Link: NERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD

>>at least a few mentioned predatory tactics and one way wolves catch their prey is by testing them.

DED: Uh, sure, like...“Can you not get eaten by me” is the test...

>>They like to watch and observe their patterns, expending as little energy as possible before they make their move,

Rauru: Before, during, and after, as far as I’m concerned!

>>and Link's been watching her for a while now, studying her patterns

Zelda: I do have many fine china sets, each with unique and exquisite patterns...

Link: Less than you did yesterday, though.

Zelda: Oh GOD what did you do THIS TIME?!

>>since the moment he laid eyes on her, but clearly Link doesn't know who he's dealing with just yet.

DED: I can interpret this the way the author intends, or I can interpret it to mean Link literally doesn’t understand and is probably stalking the wrong person somewhere else.

>>She's the huntress tonight. Not him.

Link: Look I was given the wolf card, not the, like, rabbit or something. Man vs. wolves isn’t supposed to be TRIVIAL...

>>Her stubbornness gets the better of her when her feet take off.

Rauru: “Nope, I’m NOT giving up. Those feet take off and leave? I’ll just wait for ‘em to come shamefully back to me, ‘cuz they can’t succeed on their own.”

>>Bolting into a full sprint, Zelda dodges over mounds of decomposing leaves and ducks under fallen trees

Zelda: Deaaath! Death surrounds me in this accursed forest of rot!

>>and her silent assailant takes off after her, attempting to keep her in his sight whilst trying to stay hidden.

Link: There’s ALWAYS a forced stealth section and I ALWAYS screw it up and I’m ALWAYS like “Why can’t I just whup ass on these fools.”

DED: But this time it’s all reversed, that’s the whole idea.

Zelda: You mean whup my ass?!

>>A smile blossoms along her lips as she runs;

Rauru: Get the herbicide...

>>cunning and deceitful and admittedly quite amused by the challenge he gave her of trying to turn the tables

Zelda: Ohhh no, I’ve learned my lesson. I’ll never, ever ask you to rotate furniture of any sort.

Link: Tables are heavy! Or at least yours are. They’re like 19 feet long and made of rare hardwoods. My solution was fine, it’s YOU who’s got a problem with the outcomes.

>>—to get him to stop chasing her, so Zelda can start chasing him.

Rauru: Or you could just...stop, and get right to the bonking.

Zelda: This is all bullshit anyway. Never chase shots or men, that’s my motto. They all come crawling to mommy sooner or later.

>>The clashing noises fade away as Zelda's cloak billows through the midnight air,

Link: With a rebel yell, she cried more, more, more! More more moooore!

>>her chemise hiking higher up her thighs with each mindful step

DED: Ah! After walking the woods in a mindless direction, she has regained the mindfulness of her step, and is on her way back to the Eightfold Path. This is the dharma, ancient and inexhaustible.

>>and leap and jump she takes. She's listening to his foot falls instead and it's giving away his position.

Link: SON of a BITCH!

>>He's just behind her, off the trail and to the left, and that makes her next decision even easier.

Rauru: You see, off the trail and to the right, there’s a well-lit paved footpath leading out of the woods and towards a strip mall with a White Castle and a liquor store, soooo...

>>There's a cluster of oak trees and thick wintered bushes coming up on her right and if she's quick enough, she can slip in there unnoticed before Link even has time to change his course of action.

Zelda: I wonder if we’ll ever find out.

>>Taking the chance, Zelda leaps over a large fallen tree in the middle of the path and

immediately crouches into the darkness.

DED: Help I’m crouchin’ into the twilight princess zone! This is a madhouse, feels like bein’ home!

>>Her cloak keeps her hidden in the shadows

Zelda: I use the cloak to keep me hidden!

>>as she starts maneuvering towards a wide oak tree, timing her footfalls with his own to make her movements even stealthier.

DED: Damn this shit’s just like the Battle of Endor.

>>She's creating more distance between them, so she can take the upper hand in this playful game of cat and mouse and catch him.

Link: Let’s go to our color commentator for a live update.

>>He sounds sporadic, confused, his footsteps going one way and then another, trying to figure out which direction she darted in.

Rauru: Ha ha.

Link: This is bullshit! This is NOT how it would go down!

>>Picking a wide tree to hide behind, Zelda blends into the shadows and peeks her head around to look for her wolf—and there he is.

Zelda: And what a sight you are.

>>Standing a good distance away, the moonlight illuminates off his shirt

DED: The moonlight is standing a good distance away?

>>as his chest moves rhythmically beneath it—catching his breath from their playful chase.

Link: Least I get to catch SOMETHING. Grumble grumble.

Zelda: Stay mad, loser.

Link: I am! And will!

>>He's looking around everywhere; high and low, behind and in front, but there's no way he can spot her from where she's hiding.

Rauru: He’s looking high! He’s looking low! It’s back, way back, IT’S OUTTA HERE!

>>When his breathing slows and he admits defeat,

Link: I’m...dying...? Not like this...!

>>the expression on his face begins to change.

DED: It’s lycanthropizin’ time! Awooooooooo!

>>From a look of confusion and bewilderment to being amused and entertained,

Zelda: Yes folks, he can do it all.

>>and a soft chuckle leaves his lips. It's a low, husky laugh; naturally quiet and distinctly masculine and the sound burrows deep into her core,

DED: We’ve seen a lot of them, but that’s among THE MOST bungled semicolons I’ve ever seen.

>>igniting a fiery craving that makes her cheeks burn, but Link is completely unaware of the effect his voice has on her.

Zelda: He is unaware of all KINDS of effects he has on me.

>>He shakes his head and scratches his temple,

Link: This FUCKING temple rash...!

>>then looks around and chooses a direction to start walking in.

Rauru: I mean, you call it a choice. I call it pretty limited. I mean, up? Down? Can’t walk in THOSE directions. Can’t even walk at an angle upward into the sky.

>>Unfortunately, he starts walking straight at her.

DED: Unfortunately, we’re going to have to make good on the premise of the story. I’m as disappointed as you all are.

>>Her heart drops to the pit of her stomach and she panics.

Zelda: ‘Least I’m not, you know, about to be killed by shadow monstrosities and forced to surrender everything and remain in castle arrest while otherworldly forces ravage my realm. That sucked a lot.

>>Quickly, she hides behind the wide oak tree, but upon her hurried movements, she accidentally clips her heel against a dried twig and it snaps.

Link: LIKE MY PATIENCE.

>>The quiet sound would have faltered to simple white noise if they were in a livelier area of the forest,

Zelda: Or, if you get good and liquored, you can just start tuning things out...*slurp*

>>but they're not and she only has a moment to think of something quick before Link leaps around the tree and finds her.

Rauru: Maybe she could stop time and teleport behind him.

Link: If she did that I’d just use my Eyes In The Back Of My Head Jutsu and block her attack.

Zelda: Yeah but what if I used my shapeshifting power to turn my punch into a hundred snakes that you can’t block with your hands?

Link: Oh I use my wind power to blow a huge gust of wind at my feet and blow all the snakes back at you.

Zelda: Ah but you were standing on the terrain that I designated as my Zone of Backwards, so you actually suck all the snakes into your mouth.

Link: ...DAMN it!

>>Just in the knick of time, Zelda manages to avoid detection by rounding the tree in the opposite direction.

DED: Reaching a new section.

Zelda: Finding protection.

Link: Thwarting my erection.

Rauru: Such misdirection.

>>She uses the wide oak between them to continue staying out of sight, but the sounds of their clumsy scampering quickly turn into a flurry of laughter between the two of them.

DED: And then a sort of slipping sound, followed by a thud and a crack, like a piece of celery snapped in half. Then screams, yells, swearing...

>>Like two frisky animals attempting to catch the other without getting caught themselves.

Zelda: That’s exactly what we are!

Link: Exactly?

Zelda: Well, yeah! We aren’t plants.

>>Like the way rabbits play a friendly game of leapfrog during their mating season; asserting dominance with suggestive intentions in the most deceptively innocent way.

DED: ...Like...two idiots running in circles around a tree.

>>Their laughter rises and echoes in the air as they circle the tree frantically,

Rauru: Better than NASCAR!

>>tripping over roots and stumbling to avoid capture. It isn't until Zelda tricks him with the oldest ruse in the book

DED: Hiding in a huge wooden horse.

>>that their childish little game comes to an end. Pretending to go one way but actually going the other, she leaps from the shadows, jumps in front of his face, and pins him against the tree.

Rauru: OH MAH GAWD! Link was down for the count, but Zelda just got hit with a cinder block! I cannot believe what I’m seeing! The Undertaker is entering the ring ladies and gentlemen!

>>All the breath leaves his lungs as Zelda presses her hands hard against his shoulders.

Zelda: Whoa, I wasn’t trying to do that...

>>His back hits the bark with a muffled thud, but he doesn't fight back, doesn't try to take the upper hand although he probably easily could.

Link: This game sucks actually, I’m done. I’m going home, I wanna play with fire. Do we have any fire? How come you can’t just put fire in the refrigerator and keep it so you can play with it later?

>>He stands frozen beneath her force, her hands sliding a little lower over his collarbones and down his chest, smoothing out his white shirt as she goes.

Rauru: Have some propriety for crying out loud.

>>Without thinking, she steps closer and their eyes meet and she smiles.

Zelda: Yeah, that...shouldn’t really require any heavy thinking...

>>"Hi," she says, her words hitting his lips.

Link (sensuously): “Ow.”

>>In response, he swallows and takes a slow inhale, breathing in the scent of her.

DED: The pine resin on her hands, the faint waft of sloe gin on her breath, sweaty forest chase B.O., the heady fumes of regal imperiousness, escalating boot stink...

Zelda: ALL right, thank you.

>>She wore light perfume tonight;

Link: Man can you IMAGINE if perfume ACTUALLY glowed in the dark? That would rule.

>>warm and musky, with a soft spice of cinnamon and a hint of forest pine.

Rauru: Comes in unique serialized bottles signed by the Princess herself. Available wherever fine perfumes are sold.

>>When she dares to take another step,

DED: I double-DOG dare her! Eh, eh? Dog? Wolf?

>>Link stiffens against the tree and stands as still as the forest,

Zelda: Which BETTER be really fuckin’ still. Last thing I need on my plate is a walking forest situation.

>>but his own hands betray him.

Link: *strangling himself* Gnhhkk...c-curse...yooouuuuu...haaaaands...!

>>They reach out to her hips, pulling her even closer until their hip bones meet

Zelda: Oh, this was all a scheme to get our hip bones to meet.

Rauru: I hope they hit it off. Seems like they have a lot in common.

>>and there's not much left between them besides the chilled air and their shaky breaths and two rapidly increasing heart beats.

DED: And the pissed-off formerly hibernating wolverine whose burrow they just stomped in.

>>Warmth radiates off him like thick, wintered fur.

Link: Wh...no! Fur keeps ME warm, it doesn’t radiate warmth! Look, I’m surviving this freezing bungled sex ritual, even if it means turning into a wolf, and I’m NOT letting you hollow me out!

>>She can feel the heat of his chest beneath her palms;

DED: Her palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on her chemise already, royal spaghetti...

>>the branding of his calloused hands

Zelda: For the last time, I’m NOT going to promote Link-branded merchandise through royal fiat.

Link: But...but, bobbleheads! Sunglasses! Link-brand plaster casts, for all your self-inflicted injury needs!

Zelda: Look I just think your branding is too callous!

>>gripping the lace of her short chemise, the toasting of that freckled skin with a flush heating over his cheekbones.

DED (Mortal Kombat voice): TOASTY!

>>She can see how soft his expression turns

Rauru: Better not have anything else turning soft tonight.

>>when their eyes meet in the moonlight and how his lips part like he's ready to follow whatever she does

Zelda: Okay look author, that’s a drastically misguided assumption to have. If he’s parting his lips it’s because he—

Link: —got a BRILLIANT idea, which was to use a long chain of exploding bombs as a sort of fuse to delay the...

>>whenever she decides to start doing it—and Zelda almost gives in to the feeling of it all. Almost .

All: THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!

>>Like being nipped by an animal, Zelda snaps back to reality

DED: Oop! There goes gravity, oop! There goes Zelda, she choked, she’s so mad that she won’t get laid that easy, no, she won’t have it, she knows she can make him blow ropes, it don’t matter she’s dope...

>>and pulls away. Her hands leave the comfort of his body heat and she stumbles back until she's out of his touch—almost tripping over a tree root in the process.

Rauru: Dumbass.

>>"Sorry," she exhales nervously, clawing a hand through her hair.

Link: Yes! YES! To hunt a beast, you must become a beast yourself! Join me in the savage revelry of violence!!

>>The feeling of wanting him closer, the act of straddling him and pinning him down and having her way with him

Rauru: Look, don't hold back on our account.

>>is clouding over her senses, fogging her mind with lust and demand and wanting,

Zelda: Clearing in the evening with a high-pressure system moving in overnight.

>>and she has a nagging suspicion that these sinful sensations aren't from the energy haunting through the woods tonight, but coming from somewhere much, much deeper.

DED: I dunno, the biological clock, apparently it’s a thing.

>>She takes a long breath then drags her eyes away from the mossy ground and up to his face.

Rauru: Must...resist...the call...of...moss...!

>>Curious blue eyes are watching her,

Link: All my woodland friends are gathered ‘round to see if I score tonight.

>>but there's a soft smile curving on his lips and she's just about to smile back and maybe flirt and possibly tease

Zelda: Oh, sure, let’s speculate about a possible future where sex and sex-adjacent activities are happening.

DED: Is that sarcasm?

Zelda: I’m not actually sure.

>>when she realizes he isn't holding onto the wicker basket anymore.

Rauru: D’oh!

Link: The what now?

Zelda: The wicker basket!

Link: The what basket?

Zelda: WICKER!

Link: Wick who?

>>"Did you… already find a place for us tonight?" She asks, steady voice returning.

Rauru: Turns out there are rent-by-the-hour love hotels all over the forest. Little red-light hobbit-holes.

DED: Now that’s market synergy!

>>He nods twice and steps away from the tree,

Rauru: The agent will nod twice and step away from the tree. This is you cue to shoot the person he is talking to. If the agent only nods once and scratches his nose, you are to continue to observe.

>>then looks around to observe his surroundings and Zelda takes the opportunity to scan him from head to toe.

Zelda: Freezing him, slicing him into microscopically thin slices, and uploading each slice to a database to create a 3D navigable projection of the inside of Link’s body.

Link: ...Uh...

Zelda: Oh, don’t worry honey, I’d only do this once you’re dead. To save you, for history.

>>Her eyes glaze longingly down his front; gliding below his belt and idling at his groin,

Rauru: Hey! No groin-loitering.

>>then dragging back up again until her stare stops on his lips and lingers there. They look soft and inviting

DED: Submissive and breedable?

>>and it takes her an embarrassingly large amount of time to realize that he's done assessing which direction they should walk in and now he's staring, a smug little grin forming on his face.

Link: Eeehehehehehehehe!

>>"Sorry," she says again, flushed cheeks feeling the bite of the bitter cold.

Zelda: “Let me Google up ‘symptoms of frostbite’ real quick.”

>>He laughs at her and it's a comfort to hear it, to see that her diffident charm is amusing to him rather than lewd or salacious.

DED: Por que no los tres?

>>His laugh radiates like sunlight, blossoming into a shy smile on her own face and it helps to dispel the shame of getting caught ogling at him.

Link: I’ve solved that problem for myself well ahead of time.

>>With a dismissive shake of his head and that quiet laugh so humbling, Link extends a hand out and she takes a hold of it willingly.

Rauru: At last! Skipping merrily through the woods, hand in hand! Now that’s a wholesome, sensible spring festival.

>>Their fingers tangle together when he starts guiding them through the woods, but Zelda's thoughts are anywhere but the present right now.

Zelda: LET ME tell YOU.

>>Link has quickly grown into a comfort for her.

DED: Wait ‘til you get a load of what he can do to monsters and evil overlords.

Link: There’s no END to my useful qualities!

>>To have him close feels safe and domestic and that feeling is only getting stronger,

Rauru: Wolves are the notably safe and domestic canid animals, right?

>>but there's a question that remains;

DED: Where the HELL are they going with this?!

>>what makes Zelda a huntress?

Zelda: Only the fiat of lunatic hedge witch Midna!

>>Hunts are long, drawn-out,

Rauru: YOU DON’T SAY

>>strategic and feral,

DED: ...Well-reasoned but also instinctive?

>>succumbing to a deep, animalistic desire of possessiveness and domination, and she only began to feel that when she caught him.

Rauru: Sounds like a roundly failed paradigm.

>>When her hands were moving over his shirt and tempted to go lower,

Link: Dig! Dig for your life and your freedom! But remember, we have to sneak the dirt past the guards in our pockets.

Zelda: Either THAT or you can try and excavate a decent sex dungeon, but I doubt it.

>>when every time their eyes have met and his pupils dilate and there's a rush of insatiable thirst to know what his lips taste like, that makes her mouth dry.

DED: When sentences are fragments even though they’re quite long.

>>If she's a hunter and he a wolf then... would she have to tame him?

Rauru: ...No. You have to kill or at least subdue him. That’s...what are you, stupid?

DED: What did that card look like? Did it show a dude with a whip and a top hat in the middle of a huge tent? No? Then you’re not the fuckin’ Tamer, now are you?!

>>» . «

There's a particularly phallic-shaped mushroom Zelda's been staring at for a solid three minutes.

Zelda: I’ll take what I can GET at this point, CRIPES! It’s already been an hour-plus, to say nothing of my travel time and expenses getting to this desolate wilderness. How long do you think it’d take me to get laid back at the CASTLE?

DED: How long does it take you to snap your fingers? Like 150 milliseconds?

Zelda: Yes, exactly!

>>It's thick and white and standing perfectly erect in the corner of her vision as Link sits beside her, blissfully unaware of what her eyes have settled on.

Link: Y’all motherfuckers out here saying “ignorance is bliss” like it’s supposed to make me want to get smarter.

>>They've been lounging across a warm, patterned blanket spread out amongst the soft earth for only a little while, so both of them are still stiff and awkward,

DED: LIKE THE PROSE.

Rauru: OooooOOOOOOOOoo!

>>unsure of what to say or how to break the ice between them.

Link: Megaton Hammer.

>>He had found the perfect spot to spend the night;

Zelda: But then he peed on it to mark it, which kinda ruined it.

>>intimate and private, nestled at the base of a small grassy mound that shields them from the cold.

DED: Their odds of survival have nudged slightly higher.

>>This area of the woods is warmer, more humid—nature seems to be progressing faster towards spring

Rauru: Uhh...maybe there’s a buried radiological source here.

>>with the buds on the trees a bit larger, the spores in the moss a bit taller,

DED: The thorns a bit bigger and pointier, the poison sumac glistening with a bit more poison...

>>but Zelda can't stop staring at that stupid mushroom.

Zelda: Stupid? The mushrooms are smarter than us in ways our minds are not shaped to appreciate.

Rauru: You’re saying that as the bearer of the Triforce of Wisdom?

Zelda: The thoughts of mushrooms are Wisdom of a kind even the gods cannot apprehend.

Link: ...What the hell are you talking about?

Zelda: The fear within them is beyond anything your soul can make. You cannot kill them in a way that matters.

>>It's not like her mind's in the gutter.

DED: She’s playing with those plastic bumpers on the edges of the lane.

>>Not like she's letting the shape of this mushroom make her think about other priapic objects.

Rauru: “Just can’t stop thinking about eggplant parm...”

>>She's quite sure Link would have no objections if they simply just sat here, unmoving until the break of dawn,

Link: Welp, wrong already. I have a very short attention span.

Rauru: You can say that ag—

Link: —get the plastic housing to just kind of melt and burn away in the process. That revealed the...

>>stuck in this silent stand-off that's slowly, frustratingly, getting the better of her.

DED: Look I’m just saying if you can’t get laid at the Getting Laid Festival then you might just want to pack it up and quit.

>>She tears her eyes away from the risqué fungi to look at Link instead.

Rauru: Hallucinating him as a full-body penis, like a starving cartoon character hallucinating another person as a talking roast chicken...

>>He's sitting with legs outstretched, elbows on bent knees, pretending to be heavily invested in picking the dry skin around his index finger,

Link: If that skin crashes in value I’m ruined! RUINED! All my apes gone!

>>but in all honesty he's probably waiting for her to move first.

Zelda: Well, in ALL honesty, he’s an idiot and this story is dragging like crazy and I’m desperate for a vodka gimlet.

>>To pull them from this passive moment and crack the ice between them.

Link: What? The Megaton Hammer didn’t wor—WAIT! Fire Arrows! Ah, you tried to trick me, but I remembered how hot works!

>>Just because Link doesn't speak, doesn't mean he appreciates the silence.

DED: It does mean that you can dump any personal problems or requests on him and at best he’ll solve them for you in exchange for some worthless junk you happen to hand over to him, or, at worst, he’ll ignore you.

>>"Have you…"

Rauru: ...any butter or lard for sale?

>>She finds herself asking. "Have you ever done anything like this before? The wild hunt, I mean?"

Link: “I found some Easter eggs one time...”

>>His fingers halt in their mindless fidgeting. Slowly, he drags his eyes up to hers and shakes his head and some of his shaggy bangs fall into his vision.

DED: Wow, Zelda, you’re the life of the party.

Rauru: Seems like he’s really opening up to you.

>>She's still not thinking clearly when Zelda reaches a hand out to drape them away, fingertips idling over his brow,

Link: Buy somethin’ or get out! This ain’t a library, bub!

>>but he doesn't stir

Zelda: Good! I ordered shaken, not stirred.

>>beneath her touch—just sits there, and stares, and waits.

Rauru: LIKE THE READERS.

>>Their eyes meet and she retracts her hand. "Sorry," she says, hand held awkwardly out between them. "I—I don't know why I did that."

DED: We do, can you hurry up and ACT on those feelings?

>>He looks down at her hand

Link: Take a look at these...hands! The hand speaks! The hand of a government ma’am!

Zelda: Falling bodies tumble ‘cross the floor...well, I’m a tumbler!

>>then back up to her eyes and a smirk slowly forms on his face. A sly smile slants

Rauru: A slow smirk/sly smile slants? Sheeee-it.

>>towards his cheek and, with a flip of his hair and batting of lashes,

Link: Gleaming Blade: the new look from Link.

>>he clearly explains that it's because of his good looks.

Zelda: Yes, and I’m establishing dominance over them.

>>She smirks back. "You're quite proud of yourself for someone that doesn't speak, huh?"

Link: I got nothin’ to prove.

>>He shrugs haphazardly, the shyness returning to him in the form of a bashful smile and tugs at his ear. He's a listener, not a talker.

Zelda: Now, if that were actually true...

Link: I listen great! All my senses are honed to heroic perfection.

DED: You just don’t obey.

Link: Nope.

Zelda: He’s a bad dog! He won’t heel!

>>"That's good,"

Rauru: “...I assume.”

>>she sighs, becoming more comfortable on the blanket beside him. "I've talked the ear off of everyone I've ever met. Promise me you won't tell me to shut it?"

Link: Zelda rambles about crazy things JUST as much as I do! The only difference is, my stories and schemes are cool and fun, and hers are a bunch of boring gibberish about “statecraft” and “cloture” and “agile scrum” and “circle back with some deliverables” and “beheading for treason.”

Zelda: ...Come on, executions ARE exciting! That’s why I do them in public; it’s a big event!

>>With a light-hearted chuckle, he raises his pinky in the air between them. A childish promise, but one nonetheless. Cute.

DED: If ya say so.

>>With the ice gradually cracking between them,

Rauru: But also gradually coating them with a layer of rime in the frigid pre-dawn air...

>>Link turns to the basket at his side.

Link: The last and greatest challenge of the hunt...How do you work these clasps that hold the confounded wicker menace shut...?

>>The only item he had taken out was the blanket and he must be even more tempted than she is to see what else is in it.

DED: Oooor, maybe, he doesn’t give a rat’s ass and neither do we?

>>Angling towards her, he sets the basket between them, then looks up at her.

Zelda: Like a dumb confused dog...

>>"Right," she sighs, happily welcoming some kind of instruction manual on what to do next.

Rauru: “Thank you for your purchase of the Mystic Sex Basket. The Mystic Sex Basket is your ticket to safe, sexy fun with the enclosed collection of high-quality...” ...Blah blah blah...Okay, “First-time setup: If you are in a domestic setting, turn to page 2. If you are in a sylvan glen, turn to page 3.”

>>The basket is dark like mahogany,

Link: ...Is it mahogany?

>>a crescent handle braided between two flaps

All: *knowing chuckle*

>>that stay open when she lifts them.

All: *knowing chuckle intensifies*

>>The first item she pulls out resembles the shape of a wine bottle;

Zelda: THANK FUCK!

>>curved at the top but closed with a metal lid and the glass is clear to see that there's white liquid sloshing about inside.

Link: Hey! I thought that was my job tonight!

>>Raising it high in the moonlight, Zelda examines it through squinted eyes and states, "I think it's milk."

Zelda: Okay, okay, maybe it’s a White Russian. Don’t despair yet.

>>His fingers graze over her's when Link takes the bottle from her outstretched hand.

DED: Yoink!

>>Forever curious—and now she's learning slightly reckless—

Rauru: We mock, enthusiastically, and will continue to do so, but to be fair you can’t really defeat the avatar of evil and save the world by playing it safe.

>>Link uncorks the lid and gulps the liquid without even smelling it.

Link: Well what the FUCK, should I have been on guard for the possibility that I’d paid Midna for erotic magicks and she serves me fucking SOUR MILK?

DED: ...Yes, yes, you should assume Midna is out to fuck with you.

Zelda: At least it doesn’t seem to be, like, glue, or acid.

>>Judging by how he's continuously guzzling it down, it's definitely milk.

Link: Whoever came up with “milksop” and “milk-drinker” as insults, them cats was out of line. Milk makes you grow up big and strong and lethal. Beverage of heroes.

>>"It's not for drinking," she explains in her scholarly voice,

Rauru: “Bueller...BUELLER...”

>>and takes the bottle back from him. "It's for purifying. We wash each other with this tonight."

Zelda: Innn the fooorest, the diiiingy forest, we wash with milk toniiiiiiight! OoooWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, OOOWEEEOOOO, a-wee-wop-womba-waaaayyy...

>>Link shifts in his seat, a little bashful by his gluttony,

DED: What a milk-slut. An absolute dairy whore. A real lactose-lubber.

Rauru: Guilty. As. Charged!

>>and settles on the blanket more comfortably. He brings a bent knee into his chest and drapes his elbow atop it, then sends her a smile.

Link: Cash on delivery.

>>Smiling back, Zelda drops her gaze back down into the basket. The next items she pulls out are two white handkerchiefs that are velvety soft and trimmed with lace on the ends.

Zelda: Got some already, YAWN, next...

>>"See?" She says, holding them out to prove her previous point.

Rauru: “See?! What could you POSSIBLY use handkerchiefs for if NOT washing with milk?!”

>>"We'll use these tonight to bathe,

DED: Or if their allergies kick up.

>>but seeing how small these handkerchiefs are, we'll just have to wash our faces and necks.

Zelda: “This is because the maximum amount of milk the fabric can absorb is limited by its total volume. Volume is derived from the length, width, and height of the object. The height of a handkerchief is very small, but not zero. To predict how many grams of milk the cubic centimeter volume of the handkerchief can absorb and retain, we have to...”

>>I guess you can drink the rest of the milk when we're finished then."

Link: Like I need your permission, bitch!

>>She looks up at him. His face is giddy, eyes bright with a silly grin

Rauru: DAH HA HA HAUUURR...milk...

>>that tells her she could've said anything rather than milk and he'd still look this happy to drink it.

Link: ...WHAT the fuck is THAT supposed to mean?

Rauru: Like, he’d drink sriracha? Diesel fuel? LaCroix, even?

DED: Whoa is that a consumable substance that Rauau doesn’t actually unconditionally love?

Rauru: ...LaCroix is a subversion of the very concept of flavor. Were I to suffer the unthinkable, and starve—

DED: —go 20 minutes without eating—

Rauru: —right, right—and LaCroix was the only food or drink available, I’d starve thirsty rather than be reminded of the GHOSTS of true flavors! HAUNTED! HAUNTED BY ACTUAL FRUITS GONE UNEATEN!

>>She laughs and shakes her head at him.

Zelda: “But hey, I’m talking to a wolf, why would I expect even the dimmest flicker of comprehension?”

>>The next item Zelda takes out is small and dark; an amber glass bottle with a black cap and no label.

DED: This is for if the cops get you. Drink it, and take the secrets you have witnessed tonight to the grave, lest they be tortured from your lips. A swift painless end is preferable by far to the dungeons of the inquisition.

>>Unscrewing the lid, she brings it to her nose and takes a whiff.

Rauru: “Yep, nope, that’s not—*GHAGGK* oh God that’s ammonia, that’s for cleaning something *HAKK* I made a huge mistake...”

>>It's sweet and pleasantly sensual, the smell of nag champa and roses.

Zelda: I bet it’s cheap drugstore stuff they packaged up all fancy and it’s “complimentary” with our expensive-ass sex ritual package.

DED: Oh, no doubt, this whole thing is clearly a scam and the margins on the various luxury basket products? Through the roof!

>>Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Link's brow furrow, confused by what the bottle contains and what it'll be used for.

Link: When am I ever confused by simple concepts?

>>"It's an oil.

Zelda: “Mobil 1.”

>>We can use it to give each other massages," she says with innocence, then adds in a more sobering tone, like she just realized it herself. "Or to use as lubricant."

DED: Fun handy tip: don’t! Use water-based lubes. Oils degrade latex condoms and can give you infections and—

Rauru: —and we NEED THEM for FRYING, you decadent fools!

>>There's a silence that falls between them,

Link: There’s a darkness on the edge of town...

>>like there's static in the air—a heavy beast of a conversation lounging on the blanket with them.

Zelda: Like a crushing elephant of exposition sitting on our chests.

>>They may have only just met tonight, may still be strangers fighting through rocky introductions, but

DED: ...they’re also addled by hypothermia.

>>they've both come here seeking something greater.

Rauru: Sadly, what they got was each other.

>>Matched together out of hundreds of applicants and an enchanting fate guiding them to this moment, they were perfectly paired as huntress and wolf and the only question that remains now is;

Link: ...How could Midna have been so completely wrong?

>>will they give in so unequivocally?

Rauru: Or will there be 5 or 6 more paragraphs of equivocating? Place your bets.

>>Chancing a glance, their eyes meet quickly before a blush creeps over their cheeks, hot and red and nervous.

DED: Isn’t the whole point of a sex ritual to remove these inhibitions and make it less awkward? Y’know, like, this is your chance to not have to abide by societal norms of embarrassment and propriety?

>>They clear their throats at the same time

Link: Hocking twin loogies in a moment of pure romance.

>>and Zelda continues to ruffle through the basket albeit a little more hastily. The next item she pulls out is a glass jar wider than it is tall, sealed with a gold lid.

DED: And upon it is writ, “Breaketh ye not this golden seal, lest thou release the evil which dwelleth within!”

>>At first she thinks it could be jam considering the texture and movement of what's inside when she shakes it, but upon further inspection, she smiles.

Rauru: It’s jelly.

DED: Spare us the details.

Rauru: Ok, since you asked: while both are pectin-based, jam contains mashed fruit, whereas jelly is made only with strained fruit juices.

DED: ...That isn’t what “spare us the details” means. You did the opposite.

Rauru: And Jell-O is yet a different phenomenon. A different phenomenon entirely.

>>"They're cherries," she says sweetly, and looks over to him.

Zelda: “Hoo boy, you’re already choking on a pit before I could even warn you about them, aren’t you?”

>>He has the cap off the lubricant oil, sniffing the sensual smells,

Link: The one good thing about being a wolf.

>>but with the mention of food his eyes snap up. When he reaches out to take the jar from her, she pulls back from his grasp. "Not yet, you glutton."

Rauru: “The dough should be in here somewhere...there’s still steps to go!”

>>His eyes widened briefly before turning soft,

DED: Oozing down his cheeks...

>>a humble smile forming on his lips. Shyly, he sits back and scratches his neck and she can't help but laugh at him.

Zelda: I mean I try not to but...

>>His obedience, the way he holds himself like a man so strong and rugged yet quickly yields to her commands with such acquiescence,

Rauru: Ideal video game protagonist material, really.

>>such boyish charm, it's making the butterflies in her stomach flutter.

DED: Either that, or Midna’s pre-ritual buffet had been sitting out too long.

>>"Do you know what cherries can represent?" She asks with crafty guile, already knowing that he doesn't.

Link: FUCK you!

Zelda: Yeah! I don’t fuck with that coquette shit. I don’t waste time and I respect Link’s intelligence.

Rauru: Really?

Zelda: I respect that there isn’t any, and I tell him so.

Link: YEAH!

>>He shakes his head, blue-grey eyes eccentric with curiosity.

DED: That’s...um...no...? Words...?

Rauru: Yeah I think we’re all pretty familiar with where his eccentricity dwells.

>>"Cherries represent good fortune," she smirks and twists open the jar.

Link: “Oh wow, no shit, good fortune huh. Here I was thinking they represented death and destruction. I thought this jar of cherries was a deadly curse and a giant fuck-you from Midna, but now you’ve explained that they represent good fortune. GOSH, I never would have worked that out.”

>>Stealing one from the top of the sugary liqueur,

Zelda: Stealing?! From who? They’re mine!

Link: ...Ours.

Zelda: MINE!

>>Zelda rolls it between her thumb and index finger.

DED: “The sticky syrup symbolizes...uh...stickiness...Fuck, this is gonna get everywhere...”

>>"The bold flavor and tartness compliment the essence of spring,

Rauru: A worthy submission from the challenger. And now, the Iron Chef’s dishes!

>>and the way cherry blossoms bloom can symbolize regrowth and new beginnings,

DED: ...So all the other couples, who DON’T have a amateur folklorist turbo-nerd among them, how the fuck are they meant to understand the symbolic purposes of this random box of bullshit?

>>but can you think of why exactly they're in this basket?"

Rauru: I dunno, some kinda overstock at the cherry store? A tax incentive maybe?

DED: How the fuck could I hope to understand the decision-making process of fucking Midna of all people?!

>>When Zelda's alluring stare rises from the fruit

Zelda: Rise! RIIIIIIISE! RISE FROM THE FRUIT, AND SERVE ME!

Rauru: I mean, fruit’s where my eyes would be drawn...

>>to rest on Link instead, he swallows, completely enthralled by the sound of her melodic voice talking so low and rich and sultry.

DED: YOU CAN’T HANDLE MY STRONGEST POTIONS. NO ONE CAN. MY STRONGEST POTIONS ARE NOT FIT FOR A BEAST LET ALONE A MAN.

>>He shakes his head meekly and Zelda tries to ignore the flush creeping across his neck,

Zelda: Noooo problem.

>>red as the jar of candied sweets between them.

Link: And much sweatier.

>>Entertained by how easily she can captivate him, Zelda's smirk blooms along her face briefly before she says in a quick, sharpened tone;

Zelda: “Hey, DON’T eat that thing off the ground! I see you putting it in your mouth, spit it out!”

>>"cherries are meant for popping," and pops it into her mouth.

Rauru: Corn, on the other hand, is capable of popping, but has so many other wide and delicious applications that you can’t really say it’s meant for it.

>>It's a silly little joy to make him laugh, a man filled with very few words is made mostly of reactions instead.

DED: Like internet memes.

>>He chuckles, delighted by her playfulness, and picks a cherry from the jar to eat.

Link: Hmm, how about that one...nahhhh...maybe this one? Naaahh...

>>It squishes between his teeth and he's smiling as he munches, but Zelda finds herself watching indulgently—

Zelda: Instead of the usual paranoid hypervigilance? This indulgence better be worth it...

>>the sugary liquid wetting his bottom lip makes her want to reach across the blanket and lick it.

Rauru: Not lick your lips?! Seeing delicious food makes you want to lick someone else’s lips?! Let me guess, next you’ll tuck a napkin into Link’s collar as a bib and sharpen his knife for him?

>>Closing the lid on the jar of cherries,

DED: Putting its mystery to rest once and for all.

>>she sets it beside the milk and handkerchiefs, then continues ruffling through the basket,

Zelda: “Lessee here, what else we got...hand-carved polished wooden dildo, that’s quaint...a packet of, uh, croutons...clothespins, maybe for our nips...this appears to be a dried starfish...aaaaand a little business card for the guy who carved the dildo.”

>>except the only items that remain are two lush hand towels and another soft blanket to sleep under.

Link: And not, y’know, die in the process. So that’s considerate.

>>"That's it. That's all that was in there," Zelda sighs, a little deflated.

Rauru: The cherries are not part of a greater pastry-based construction. Heartbreaking.

>>She stares at the small towels in her hand. For cleaning up, she realizes.

Link: I’m not cleaning up the forest! It was a mess when I got here!

>>Link makes a soft sound in the back of his throat to gain her attention.

DED: Like a pre-vomit kind of noise, or...?

>>When their eyes meet, he points to the bottle of milk.

Zelda: I was expecting a goat-ripping drugged-up fuck-frenzy, and here I am doing the duties of a babysitter.

Rauru: ...I think that’s how every woman feels about her boyfriend.

>>"Yes, of course," she breathes, a driven focus returning as she reaches for a handkerchief and starts explaining.

Link: Ah, full of vim and vigor when undertaking her true calling: infodumping world lore.

Zelda: I—

DED: Wouldn’t her true calling be getting kidnapped?

Zelda: Nuh—

Rauru: I mean as far as I can tell her true calling is being as drunk as possible as constantly as possible while still staying upright and capable of governance.

Zelda: That’s only partially—

>>"Milk is symbolic of fertility. It represents life and abundance—most appropriate for a night like this one."

DED: Cold, clammy, liable to spoil...most appropriate for a night like this one.

>>She meets his eyes and they share a smile. She opens the glass bottle and continues.

Link: ...to bore me into a coma.

>>"Milk is also a lunar symbol, connected to the feminine in many obvious ways, but it can also represent a cleanse.

Rauru: “Look, what do you want from me? It’s milk. You can put it on cereal.”

>>To wash away impurities, to welcome new growth and revival."

DED: Yeah, sure, sponge a bunch of rancid dairy on yourself and you’re bound to have something growin’ on ya.

>>Zelda pours a generous amount of milk onto the handkerchief and squeezes, releasing some of the excess liquid, and looks at him.

Rauru: “...Did anything I said sink in? Hello? Do you actually understand English?”

>>He's watching her intently, studying her every movement and a new feeling washes over her.

Zelda: The unique feeling of what should be spiritual fulfillment turning to ash in your mouth as you realize the gods are worthless at best and cruel at worst...

DED: You always remember your first time.

>>What was once stifled nerves and awkward worries have turned brazen and confident, the natural leader hidden inside taking control

Link: Hand-scrubbing other people is what leaders do...?

>>as she gracefully shifts on her knees and moves closer. He doesn't stir, doesn't flinch or back away,

Rauru: I...wouldn’t really expect him to. His opponent is LITERALLY a milksop.

>>just allows her to close the small gap that still lingers between them.

Zelda: *Spla-fwap!*

Link: “GAH what the HELL! MY EYE!”

>>Holding the dampened cloth close to his cheek, she whispers. "May I?"

DED: Simon Says, milk wash!

>>Slowly, he nods, and that boyish smile reaches high up his face, crinkling the corners of his eyes.

Link: How ‘bout a kiss, for luck?

Zelda: You’ve GOT to be kidding!

DED: MAH BOI

>>When the wet handkerchief meets his skin, Link takes a sharp inhale—cold milk hitting warm cheeks

Rauru: Up next on Cinemax, it’s a hard-curdled erotic thriller as a sexy USDA inspector goes undercover—cold milk hits warm cheeks in “WHERE EAGLES DAIRY.”

>>and it makes her giggle. Their saccharine chuckles rise in the air

DED: Saccharine is some pretty advanced chemistry by Hyrule standards.

Link: Forget artificial sweeteners, we barely have any natural sweeteners.

Rauru: LET ME tell YOU.

>>as Zelda washes him; wiping his cheeks and chin, down to the collar of his shirt and up to his nose

Zelda: “Cripes the deal I signed up for was sex first, then a nine-month break, and then I have to start sponging off a dirty baby’s helpless face.” 

>and when she reaches his forehead, she pushes his bangs away and she indulges in the sweetness, the soft innocence of this simplicity.

Rauru: You can’t just declare something is softly innocent and simple.

Zelda: Well. I could. But I wouldn’t.

>>"Your forehead's a little greasy," Zelda jokes

Link: It’s not a joke at ALL! I can’t be seen with an oily T-zone. I need foundation.

>>as she smears the liquid on his forehead. Tiny dribbles of milk fall over his brow and get caught in his long lashes.

DED: The tiny, humble creatures that dwell and reproduce in his eyelashes are washed away in an apocalyptic milk deluge. Tales of the dreadful moment spread from follicle to follicle.

>>Link tsks his tongue at her, meeting her tone, and drags his fingers over her own forehead.

Link: ...ha HA! How the tables have turned!

>>Both of them are feeling more confident now—touching the other in such a wholesome, playful way.

Rauru: See that’s just what I was saying earlier! Is this wholesome? No one does this, in general, but specifically not in a wholesome playful way, because as far as any sane person is concerned, the only occasion for “innocent” milk-washing is...THIS, a magic sex ritual!

>>"I guess we're both in need of a bath after running through the woods," she chuckles softly,

Zelda: Among the many problems we face.

>>dropping her hand from his face. "Want to switch?"

He nods excitedly.

Link: PUT ME IN, COACH!

>>They both move in unison; Zelda sits back, palms planted on the blanket

Rauru: Forest clear-cut to make room for the palm plantation...

>>as she stretches her legs out in front and Link mimics her previous position, kneeling on his shins and scooting closer to her.

DED: At some point in the lovemaking process, no matter your methods or intentions, at some point somebody’s probably gonna have to scoot.

>>He takes the other handkerchief and drips a very small amount of liquid onto the fabric then clumsily starts wiping her face.

Link: I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready, I’ll wipe that face!

>>The feeling is odd and frankly quite silly; allowing another person to cleanse the skin with raw milk from an animal,

Rauru: ...I thought that was self-evident, are you just now finding this out?

>>but maybe Zelda's been looking too far into the symbolism of it all. Maybe it's the act itself;

DED: WHOA hey look, I can’t stand idly by and watch you bungle two semicolon attempts in a row.

Zelda: So what are you going to do, besides be a passive-aggressive little bitch about it?

DED: Is that not enough...?

>>curious hands exploring a lover's body, alerting the senses to become fully responsive to the other's touch.

Rauru: Or in other words, “If you can’t even manage to do this (like our boy Link here) you’re probably better off packing this shit up and going home than trying to pleasure another human being.”

>>"You might need to wet it a little better," Zelda laughs,

Link: Bitch why don’t you wet YOUR ho ass a little better by touching yourself while you suck my fucking DICK.

Zelda: I’d be fine with that, but apparently the author requires more ritual-implement nonsense before they can get off.

DED: Wait you mean the author has a...fetish fetish?

Zelda: ...

DED: ...

>>feeling her skin redden against the dry handkerchief. Link's ratio of milk to cloth wasn't as well balanced as hers.

Rauru: Join us on our Postcoital Show for more expert stats and analysis.

>>Following her suggestion, Link pours more onto the fabric and ends up spilling milk on the blanket.

DED: Eh. Don’t cry over spilled milk.

>>He's gawky and inelegant,

Link: C’mon, what did she expect? A taut and finely-honed killing machine, master of every weapon known to man? Oh, that is what I am, so I guess this is SOME BULLSHIT.

>>definitely not as suave as she is,

Zelda: Not even close to being able to spell “suave.”

Rauru: Well, who ever does?

>>and there's an apology on his face that makes Zelda suddenly realize that he's nervous.

DED: But on the surface he looks calm and ready to swab brows, but he keeps on forgetting how to milk cows, the forest crowd oh so loud, he opens the jug but the milk won’t come out, he’s choking, how? Everybody’s joking now! The clock’s run out, time’s up, over, BLAOW!

>>Trying to keep him encouraged, she takes his hand in her own and guides it to her jawline,

Link: MAAAAN, this is worse than when Zelda tried to teach me how to sew a button!

Zelda: I never did that! I know you better than to try, and I couldn’t give less of a shit about menial labor. You tried to sew a button on and devastated the sewing room, so I—

Link: —Complained about how I was doing it wrong! Yes! Exactly!

>>then she smiles at him.

Rauru: Because it takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown. :)

>>"It's alright, Link," she breathes his name and it's the first time she's said it out loud.

Zelda: Ghastly hauntings I set loose, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, BEEETLEEEEJUICE!

>>Their eyes meet and there's no doubt about the connection between them now.

DED: Insofar as they’ve been told to go off into the woods and connect, yeah.

>>Gaining confidence, he picks up where he left off;

Link: Time to sprint off into the woods again! YES! I evaded her by lulling her!

>>washing along her jaw and chin, his gaze relaxed and his smile sweet like honey.

Rauru: And yet, I think I’m right in saying that no tea or pastry contains his smile as a sweetener. Checkmate.

>>He falls into a tranquil pace of washing her skin;

Zelda: “Tranquil pace” to some, “torturously boringly slow” to others.

>>rubbing slow wet circles over her rosy cheeks, but then he squeezes the cloth to wring out the excess liquid and that's when everything slows.

Link: YOU’RE FUCKING KIDDING ME

>>Streaks of milk start to fall down her skin like rain,

 

DED: Only LOOOOOVE, can bring the MILLLLK, that falls like teeeEEEEEEARS from on hiiiiiiiiigh!

>>cascading down the meridian of her neck and passing her collarbones,

Zelda: Down the Neck Meridian and past the Tropic of Cleavage, towards the Boob Equator.

>>rivulets of white liquid slide between her breasts and Link's eyes follow,

Rauru: Link’s eyes also slide down her breasts as rivulets of white liquid.

>>watching the stream snake beneath her chemise,

Zelda: Oh, yeah, the stream snake beneath my chemise. I picked it up while we were crossing that stream back there. I think it’s attracted to my body warmth so it’s hangin’ out in my clothes.

>>raising skin in the form of goosebumps and it makes her nipples hard.

DED: Beefed that sentence in long and elaborate fashion, try again!

>>There's a shaky inhale lodged in both their throats.

Link: Aww it’s so cute. We ran together, sweated together, froze together, and now we’re choking and dying together. Besties~

>>Her eyes snap to his face, but his attention is on her breasts.

Rauru: An eternal constancy is here revealed.

>>He's completely distracted by the display of her arching as she lounges,

Zelda: I’m freezing to death with milk dripping down my body, this is NOT “lounging” by any reasonable standard!

DED: What about your ridiculous unreasonable standards of luxury?

Zelda: Well then, even less so, clearly!

>>nipples so obvious through the fabric,

Link: So obvious.

Zelda: Well, I mean...they’re there, where you’d expect...you’ve gone looking for them...

>>chest wet and glistening and when he eventually meets her eyes, he swallows.

Rauru: This changes EVERYTHING.

>>"Um, I—I think that's enough for now," she breathes.

DED: I...WISH.

>>At this point, he can only nod brokenly.

Link: I gotta be pretty fucked up if I can’t even nod correctly.

Zelda: Link you wouldn’t know how to breathe correctly if your brain stem didn’t do it for you.

>>There's not much else to choose from and because of the tension made earlier on the oil,

DED: Oh yeah the Iraq War.

>>Link grabs for the cherries. Unscrewing the lid, he immediately pops one into his mouth and makes a satisfied humming noise, munching on the sweet fruit as Zelda tries to conceal herself.

Link: What?! NO! She’s getting away!

>>It's not that she feels embarrassed in front of him,

Zelda: By him? Sure.

>>but more that if he looked at her like that again; so shameless and eyes fogged over with lust, Zelda wouldn't be able to control herself

DED: Or see a damn thing.

>>from leaping across the blanket and straddling him.

Rauru: And that would be a HUGE PROBLEM, now wouldn’t it?! Not at all THE ENTIRE POINT OF THE OCCASION.

>>Unaware of her inner turmoil, Link tosses a cherry high in the air and catches it with his mouth.

Zelda: Story of my life.

>>He's trying to make her smile, to ease the tension—just like she did for him earlier—and it works.

DED: Well isn’t he just a fancy little ray of sunshine.

>>She laughs at him unceremoniously,

Link: Well THAT’s nothing new.

>>entertained by his childlike behavior, how he can look so strong with a body so toned, but act more silly than mature, goofy over serious.

Rauru: But I wonder how long you’ll be entertained by this, before that feeling turns to...something else.

Zelda: Oh, you know...just...slightly too long...

>>He humbles her humor and meets her curious nature, and she's not bothered by his lack of words.

DED: The way he chews on his own toes sometimes does disturb her a little bit, but she’s fighting it.

Link: Look, don’t knock it ‘til you tried it.

Rauru: ...Is that a wolf thing you carried over to human form? Cuz sometimes I see dogs or cats kinda chew on their paws so I was wondering—

Link: —No...?

>>Maybe he needs someone kind to challenge him—an equivalent.

Zelda: Maybe he just needs a damn sandwich. Men, I swear...

>>Someone to allow him to be the silent wolf that he is, to tame him with loose reins that Zelda knows she's capable of holding.

DED: So he needs a challenger...who won’t bind him very hard...who’ll allow him to be who he is...but will also tame him...am I...missing something?

>>Several cherries down the hole when Zelda picks one from the jar and says;

Zelda: “Hey there’s a really weird smell to these, actually. Do your lips sort of tingle when you...”

>>"I want to try."

Rauru: Being royalty, she’s never really had to try before.

>>She tosses the small fruit at Link and he catches it like a dog, making them both laugh.

Zelda: “Ahahaha! Again, again! This time I won’t make it so easy for ya!” *fwip-spalt!*

Link: “IEEAAGGHH”

>>Zelda angles herself better,

DED: Ahh, looks like we’re gonna have a mound visit, the manager and the pitching coach are making their way down...

Rauru: We have been waiting this WHOLE STORY for the freaking “mound visit” and it’s still nowhere in sight!

>>facing him perfectly to throw more into his mouth and he catches every single one with ease and finesse

Link: THIS is the legendary prowess she should expect!

>>and throughout their childish game they move closer and closer, until there's not much space left to throw, only to feed.

Zelda: And so I stuff cherries in his mouth until he starts gagging on them.

Rauru: It’s my perfect date idea...

>>He's still holding onto the jar when Zelda picks out another one, but she doesn't toss it. She puts it in his mouth.

DED: Ah, yeah, clearly this heightens the sexual tension. The cherries going in the mouth symbolize penetration and intercourse. And when a man is throwing his penis into a woman’s mouth it always gets hotter when he stops throwing and just stuffs it in there.

>>Their smiles remain but there's a fog in the air—hot and humid as Zelda's fingers brush over his lips longingly.

Rauru: Lips Longingly, that’s me! The fast-talkin’ wise-guy private eye who always licks the competition! And that ain’t just lip service, bub!

>>Her movements slow;

Link: Her movements slow! Her arm weak, she no warrior heart!

>>fingers lingering around his mouth, eyes watching him intensely as he bites down and pops the cherry.

Zelda: “Oh, that reminds me, I’m menstruating, he might...eh, whatever, he seems pretty used to bloodshed.”

>>Her thumb grazes all along his bottom lip, from one side to another, and when he swallows, Link's eyes snap up to hers and a surge of energy runs between them that's impossible to ignore.

Link: If the swallowing is what’s gonna trigger our big erotic spark, then it coulda been anything instead of cherries! Why couldn’t it have been cheese puffs or something else I actually like? 

>>They both move at once.

DED: And they’re off!

>>In an instant their lips crash together, hard and bruising

All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

>>and the jar of cherries drops from his hand to cup her cheek, staining the end of the blanket in red but neither of them care—they're far too distracted.

Zelda: Hey, I don’t care either!

DED: Me too!

Rauru: It’s a not-caring festival!

Link: ...Huh?

>>He tastes sweet like maraschino,

DED: From the Marasca region of...Hyrule.

>>intoxicating her with lips soaked in sugar and it makes her salivate.

Zelda: Sugars draw water out of your tissues through osmosis, making you feel thirsty!

>>She straddles him like she's been wanting to,

Rauru: LIVE each day like it’s your last, DANCE like nobody’s watching, STRADDLE him like you’ve been wanting to.

DED: This makes it sound like a weekend chore she’d been putting off.

>>bitter urgency when his hands wrap around her waist

Zelda: Oh yeah, I know just how this feels, the other day my hands wrapped around the waist of a cocktail glass that urgently needed Angostura bitters.

>>and pull her flush against him and so she breathes into his mouth like a wild animal,

Link: Wild animals are always coming up and breathing into people’s mouths.

>>ready to bite down on her own prey.

Rauru: Just like YOU can once again bite down on a Cheesy Double Beef Burrito from Taco Bell.

DED: That sounds exactly like a paid shill, but it’s you, so I assume you’re just waxing ebullient about food unprompted.

Rauru: It’s surprising I don’t get more endorsement deals, really. I guess it’s more like I myself am a major market segment in the food industry, not an influencer per se.

>>She drapes a hand over his shoulders as the other slides into his bangs pulling hard and he hisses,

DED: THERE! THERE! My finger points! Right there is where you fucked up your sentence! After “pulling hard” you gotta pump the brakes and put a period and start a new sentence!

>>head thrown back with gritted teeth and she finds herself liking this control.

Zelda: Hmm, yeah...good ergonomics, nice clickyness...

>>The way she can jerk him by the collar and get the reaction she desires, how he catches her lips and fights for dominance;

Link: I can beat ANYONE’s lips in a fight!

>>nipping at her bottom lip as his hands get needier

Rauru: My hands are cold! They’re chafing! I need to moisturize! Where’s my skin cream? I need vitamin D to make my hand skin glowing and supple! Tell my hands they’re pretty!

>>and start wandering lower until he's cupping her ass and coaxing her to grind and she doesn't even hesitate.

DED: WE’VE HAD PLENTY OF THAT ALREADY THANKS

>>She moves on his lap like rapid waves;

Zelda: Let’s see the polynomials then!

>>hips rocking over and over and she can feel him hard beneath her as she sinks down deeper, moves a little quicker, and between swollen kisses his breathing gets rugged. Shallow.

DED: GOD the sentences in this story have the flow of a guy in a full-body plaster cast falling down a huge spiral staircase!

>>Groaning from her movements, surrendering to a craving that's making him ravenous.

Rauru (pulling out a gigantic meatball sub like a magician with a super long scarf): Now THAT’S—

Link: —Nah, not this time, we’ll be here forever.

Rauru: Awww.

>>Confident hands glide up to her breasts

Zelda: Welp, I’ve frozen completely solid, my skin totally encased in a slippery layer of ice.

>>and untie the cloak around her neck, yanking it away with dexterity that's quick and sharp like the sour tang of a cherry.

Link: I’ve always said that the way I disrobe women is quick and sharp like the sour tang of a cherry, and now I’m vindicated!

Rauru: Uh huh.

Link: The judge was all like “burrr durrrr harassment” and I was like, “Your Honor: cherries,” and he was like, “death,” and then WHAM, beaten up by bailiffs with telescoping billy clubs. Well WHO’S LAUGHING NOW?!

>>The scent of him is driving her crazy,

Zelda: But the wolf scent is also keeping deer away from my crops, so that’s good.

>>the feel of him hard between her legs is still not close enough

DED: But BOY it’s a lot closer than we’ve gotten in many, many hundreds of words, I tell you what!

>>and through the addled fog of greed and need

Rauru: At Sneed’s Feed & Seed.

>>and impulse, her hands dart down to his belt and frantically start unclasping.

DED: She has clasps on her hands...?

>>He immediately follows her lead;

Link: I’ll suck YOUR dick! Hyaah! Call that a sexual riposte!

Zelda: Would you really suck my hypothetical transmutation dick?!

Link: Actually never mind, discretion is the better part of valor, that was a feint, falling back, elastic defense, &c.

>>fingers flying down to assist

Rauru: On little downy finger wings.

>>and Zelda lifts from his lap just high enough to move her thong out of the way as Link pushes his trousers and underwear down to free himself.

Link: CRY FREEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM!

>>He licks a long wet strip up his palm and strokes as she spirals circles on her clit—the lubricant oil completely forgotten with minds so desperate and bodies so responsive

DED: JUST TOO MOIST

>>and when she lines herself up with the tip of him,

Rauru: The dick is the tip of you?

Link: When it’s erect, I guess.

DED: The tip of one axis, at least.

Link: I’m a very complicated 3D rendered shape, after all.

>>urgent hands help guide him in

Zelda: “Thanks, woodland friends! I thought it was creepy at first but now I get it.”

Rauru: THAT’s the point of the whole milk ritual! Attracting friendly Disney animals to help and to hype your sexual congress!

>>and she slides all the way down to the base of his shaft until their hips are flushed and they both sigh.

Link: ...The End.

>>Breaths lofty and deep add to the forest air

Link: ...D’oh!

>>and Zelda has half a mind to remember the fungi.

Zelda: Remember, remember, the growths of November! The mushroomy season of rot! We beings of reason will pass like the seasons and mushrooms will grow on our plot!

DED: You’ve LOST it.

Zelda: THEY WON’T TELL ME THE NAME OF GOD, THE FUNGAL PIECES OF SHIT!

>>The erect nature of it earlier had her thoughts drifting south of Link's belt, but now the rhythm of her fucking his length so easily, bodies flowing so perfectly has Link holding her close as her fingers tangle in his hair.

DED: ...WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SENTENCE?!

>>She rides him hard and long and steady

Link: I appreciate it!

>>and he presses his forehead against her collarbone, making his hot breath hit her skin in the form of heavy panting.

Rauru: The collarbone does that...?

>>He whines, lost entirely to the feeling

Zelda: GAH WHERE’D HE GO?!

>>when she ruts a little faster, takes him a little deeper, and he angles his hips to hit that spot inside her and it makes her shiver.

DED: Or is that just the garden-variety shivering, based on freezing to death? No matter.

>>The moan that leaves her throat must've ignited something in him because the second it leaves her lips,

Link: Smoke starts pouring out of my mouth?

>>Link grabs her and spins them both on the blanket,

Zelda:  Ah, wrapping themselves up for warmth.

Rauru: Nah, remember there’s a naturally formed nuclear reactor heating this area up? Their kids will be mutants but they aren’t going to freeze.

DED: Yet.

Rauru: Yet.

>>tumbling like a pair of wild animals until she's on her back and he's on top,

DED: Sooooo...“tumbling” a whopping 180 degrees in total.

>>hands planted firmly on either side of her face and with trousers spooling around his ankles, he thrusts himself inside her.

Link: Mashallah.

>>"Harder,"

Rauru: Better...

Zelda: Faster...

DED: Stronger...

>>she groans, and pulls him down by the hair.

Link: ...Could you NOT...?

>>This man, stripped bare and unleashed from mundane reins,

Rauru: ...will compete for: THIS fantastic kitchen set from our sponsors at Johnson Interior Designs!

>>is feral and possessive, branding her with love-bites all over her chest and neck and jaw, but she's eager to tame him.

Link: I guess I can understand that.

Zelda: It’s mostly beatings, right?

>>She shifts up and down as he moves, breasts bouncing beneath that chemise and he obeys her—

DED: Just as her boobs obey the laws of physics.

>>submitting to every command she chants in his ear of don't stop and fuck me and fasterfasterfaster

Link: Wasn’t gonna—already am—that’s the idea.

Zelda: Successfully telling a man to remain horny is not a demonstration of firm control over him.

>>that their foreheads meet and he's pounding hard, stroking a burning fire.

Rauru: Different ritual. Sacrificial holocaust kind of thing. Hopefully they’ve got it under control...?

>>Their eyes lock in a piercing stare, glazed over with sex and narrowed vision

DED: Piercing yet glazed over...

Link: And my eyes are, too!

>>that's just her and him and milk and cherries

Zelda: Everything you need.

>>and he's so close to making her come that her eyes flutter shut and she's moaning, but then he stops abruptly and pulls out entirely.

Rauru: Shapes are moving in the forest, vague primordial blurs...his screams die off with distance as though he were snatched and dragged away at great speed...

>>Her body screams in protest,

Zelda: I think I’d like to try screaming in protest. It will work better.

>>hands ready to grab at him for misbehaving, but he squirms out of her grasp.

Link: YES! Distracted her! And now I’m off again!

>>He pushes her chemise up as he shimmies down the blanket

DED: “Chemise?” “Shimmies?” Stop with all the big fancy words!

>>and his lips make new contact on her skin;

Rauru: New diseases to explore!

>>mouth roaming over her nipples and navel and leaving flushed red marks as he goes.

DED: Frankly that’s just irresponsible. It’s like having an outdoor cat. It’s devastating the local environment.

>>She spreads her legs wide to give him room,

Link: I need more room than that! I gotta roam! I gotta roost! I need space for a man-cave AND a s-him-khole!

Zelda: Oh God, what—

Link: —It’s an idea I had! Where you collapse the floor underneath your...

>>heels digging into the blanket for purchase,

Rauru: But the offer said “no purchase necessary!”

>>and he doesn't waste any time.

Zelda: Only money.

DED: Time is money.

Zelda: And LilB is based God, what’s your point?!

DED: ...What?

Zelda: ...What?

>>He buries his face between her thighs and drags his tongue all over.

Link: I mean I’m The Wolf, and I’ve been set free to explore a new environment—in fact, my new home! I’m gonna be running all over the house, jumping up on furniture, spinning around over and over out of sheer excitement...it’s great!

>>Any previous protests vanish from her thoughts as he hums against her skin and the vibration shoots up her spine like a blazing arrow.

Rauru: Violently suppressing the protest with blazing arrows. Shameful.

Zelda: Unfortunate, perhaps, but well within my rights.

DED: YOU AND ONLY YOU HAVE UNLIMITED RIGHTS.

Zelda: Yes...?

>>He eats at her like he's hungry, like he's starved of it.

Link: Hey!

>>He's rutting shamelessly into the blanket,

Rauru: That’s...HEY! No! Wrong, don’t hump the blanket! You’re just making a mess for no reason!

Link: THAT’S LINK BAYBEEEEE!

>>tongue swirling around her clit as he slides a finger inside and searches.

Zelda: There really isn’t very much to search.

DED: You mean there isn’t a cavernous, labyrinthine dungeon beyond the vagina?

Zelda: Nope, no dungeon. Just a warm, moist...vestibule.

>>She's writhing, back arching,

DED: Knees weak, throat is parching, there’s white stuff on her chest already, collar starching...

>>hands clawing into his hair as she rocks her hips on his face.

Link: I too am hip and rockin’.

>>It doesn't take him long to make her squirm, to have her sigh his name in ecstasy and she's starting to teeter, edging that plane of finality,

Zelda: ...Death?

>>but there's an even stronger feeling taking over.

Rauru: Reeeeeeegret.

>>One of persistence and domination, an internal drive of getting him on his back and moaning.

Zelda: Hmm, hmm...okay, this is STARTING to make sense...

>>Startling him, she pulls away unexpectedly, leaving him at the base of the blanket in shambles.

Link: Right, okay, I guess “with a bunch of goo and precum on my crotch and dick” is kinda a shambles...

>>Disarrayed like the trousers he's kicked off in a hurry,

DED: Turned completely inside out...

>>he crawls on hands and knees to chase her, lips aching for sweetness,

Rauru: YOU spilled the cherry juice. Start licking the blanket.

>>but Zelda takes this moment to trap him—to pin him on the blanket

Zelda: Oh, there you go. Now it’s all over you.

>>—wrestling for dominance like a hungry wolf and a wild woman.

DED: TONITE at the LO-BUDGET FOREST SLAPDOWN! The HUNGRY WOLF and the WILD WOMAN! Brought to you by Midna League Wrestling!

Link: Yeah but which is which?

>>Her fingers caper down his shirt, hastily undoing button after button

Zelda: My God, it...it just keeps going and going, it...how...?

>>and when he's free from the confines of all his clothing,

Rauru: Even the ones he’s not wearing? Free from the psychological confines of his whole wardrobe?

>>her mouth darts down to a nipple and she bites him.

Zelda: I always have a few mouth darts. Coated in a poison that I myself have built up total immunity to. Thanks to the constant mouth dart exposure, you see.

DED: Sheik habits die hard, huh?

>>A yelp escapes his throat and it echoes through the trees.

Link: There goes my throat, echoing through the trees.

>>Loud and pleasingly responsive, he's proving to be a quick study

Zelda: That’s...wow. Okay he has a very very very few areas of pure genius—

Link: —THAT’S RIGHT SEXUAL PROWESS—

Zelda: —related more or less exclusively to dungeon logic and boss patternology. Those are things he will grasp relatively quickly.

Link: Yo grasp my DICK relatively quicklURRKKGKH

Zelda (strangling him): I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU!

Link: *abruptly flexes his neck muscles, creating shockwave*

Zelda: Gah! It was like a thunderclap and it shredded my gloves but not my skin...?

Link: Eyy! I’m breathin’ ‘ere!

Zelda: Subtly yet violently sending me a message...he is clever...

Link: I get all KINDS of amazing ideas! Especially under pressure.

>>when she shifts further down the blanket, down the rigid plain of his belly to his hip bones,

DED: ROCK LOBSTAH! Down! Dooowwwnn!

>>leaving a trail of kisses that brand him to her;

Rauru: Thanks to her searing hot lips! Hah-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha!

>>caught and marked and ready to have her way with.

Zelda: Microchipped and ready to be released back into the wild.

>>When she nips his thigh, he pulls her hair.

Rauru: An extremely simple two-step process.

>>When she licks his tip, he gasps and surges,

Link: SUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGE!

>>and when she takes him in her mouth, he curses,

DED: CURSE YOUR BLOWJOBS! CURRRRSSEEE YOOOOOUUUU!

>>the word sounding perfectly articulate

Rauru: Poppycock!

Link: Codswallop!

Zelda: Twaddle and mummery!

DED: Great Caesar’s ghost!

>>with how she slides her lips down his shaft and rolls him in her palm,

Zelda: We could have had it all! Rolling in the palm!

DED: What is this, Legend of Adeleda?

>>relishes in how he twitches and trembles and just how much he likes it when she picks up the pace

All: ...YES!

>>and takes him deeper; head falling back as he growls.

Link: Oh. Yes. Well, there it is; clearly, I am The Wolf. Truly a sign from the gods right there.

>>She almost loses herself to the pleasure,

Rauru: What, like you lose coins in the couch cushions?! What does this phrase mean literally, what does it imply happening? Do people’s brains break from lust and fucking?

DED: I mean...yeah, but usually not in one discrete snap like you’re imagining.

>>the satisfaction of watching him come undone beneath her, but Link is unhinged. Feral. Unpredictable.

Rauru: Tell us something we DON’T know.

Link: Oh shit now the story is about to get REALLY interesting.

>>He drags her up by the hair to kiss her,

Link: ...Oh. Wow, that’s REAL wild and feral right there! Yup, real “beast mode” I tell you what! Just like how I growled earlier, right? I’m going berserk I tell you.

>>open-mouthed and filthy and delicious and there's no point in delaying it any further.

Rauru: ...I am eating this magnificent enchilada. Open-mouthed and filthy and delicious, just drowned in sauce and cheese...get the diners and drive-ins cause I’m gonna dive in on this thing.

>>Knees on either side of his torso, she sinks down on him in one easy movement and the noise that comes out of his mouth is more guttural and raspy than anything.

DED: C-, could have tried harder.

>>His hands grip her thighs when she slides up to the tip of him then sinks back down, and she does it again and again and again

Zelda: I’ve mastered the erotic arts.

>>and she watches the sweat drip from his brow,

Link: (My brow!) ‘Til ALLLL them heroes crawl! ‘Til ALLLLL skeet skeet motherfuckaaa!

>>his teeth gnawing his bottom lip, his stomach muscles flexing. She works at him harder, faster,

DED: ...Do it...MAKES US...

>>taking him rough and assertive and the way she wants him

Rauru: Oh, ‘cause she has some strong preference? She just met him!

>>and even through the humid mist of hot breath and perspiration, Link still manages to take a thumb to her clit and start circling

DED: Just like the brave explorers of old who, despite humidity and perspiration, still managed to thumb clits.

Link: Yeah, like, that one guy, he wanted to thumb a clit so bad he tried to haul a boat over a mountain range in the Amazon jungle.

>>—except he's clumsy, hand shaky, mind addled

DED: Knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s stains on his white shirt already, candied cherries...

>>with a looming climax and Zelda guides his hand to her breast instead so her own fingers can take over.

Zelda: I’m always having to take matters into my own hands.

>>"Are you gonna come?" She asks quickly, breath high and lofty, demanding.

Rauru: “You can’t just leave yourself on ‘Maybe’ status on Facebook!”

>>He whines, but it's an answer.

Link: You’ll take what you can get from me and you’ll like it, toots.

>>Head thrown back and fingers digging into her skin, he mewls even louder.

DED: Take note, interested third parties.

Rauru: ...Huh?

DED: I dunno, market researchers, census-takers...

Link: Definitely not us.

DED: Goodness, no.

>>She chokes on a moan, the sounds spilling from his mouth stacking on her own orgasm that's about to quickly fall and break and shatter.

Rauru: Quick question, since I know we’re running long already, but what the FUCK does any of that mean?

>>His hands drop to her waist like his strength is failing and with heavy lidded eyes, their eyes meet and she drives him home.

Link: Naw man I’m good to drive, gimme the keys.

>>Hand pressed hard on his chest, she tells him; "I want you to come."

Zelda: “Bring that bean dip you make. Oh and a housewarming present, too, get ‘em like a candle or some shit.”

>>The wave of his orgasm takes him, drowns him

DED: Oh, geez, drowning? I mean I expected some kind of death by natural hazard but I didn’t think he’d manage to drown in the forest.

>>as he moans her name and the sound of it so breathy and hot drags her down with him.

Zelda: Just like that scene in Jaws.

>>He comes inside her and she on him;

Rauru: PRAISE THE GODS!

Link: Land! Land ho! We’re within spittin’ distance now, me hearties! From cumshot to Scilly, ‘tis thirty-five leagues!

>>blinding vision with hips surging up as she bares down hard, both sinking deep and fucking each other through it,

DED: Well that’s just all of us out here on this earth, always sinking deeper and deeper and fucking our way through.

>>fast rhythmic movements that ride out every last howl and flex and toe curl until they're nothing but a bundle of panting breaths and throbbing bodies and uneven heart beats.

Rauru: Mankind ill needs a savior such as you!

Zelda: What is a man?!

>>Link is the one to recover first.

Link: Got that milk. Heals five hearts dontcha know.

>>Planting an elbow behind him,

Rauru: What?! Can’t feed your family on elbows. No one’s gonna want to come work in the fields harvesting elbows.

>>he wraps his other arm around her back and pulls her down on the blanket, mouth curved in a satisfied smile

DED: ...Smug bastard...!

>>as he tilts his hips to move inside her gently, slowly, milking every last tingle and quiver

Zelda: The fuck is “tingle milk?”

All: .........

Zelda: ...I’m in the wrong franchise to make that particular joke, I am now realizing.

>>and she sighs on his lips until he kisses her.

DED: Like when your cat won’t shut up and leave you alone.

>>Mouths moving languidly with bodies still connected, everything is tender now;

Link: EVERYTHING IS TENDER NOW! REMAIN IN YOUR HOMES!

>>bodies raw from sex,

Rauru: If sex is cooking you, you’re probably doing it wrong. I mean you’re doing SOMETHING right, which is cookery, but that’s...

DED: ...Cannibalism is the limit of your gluttony, huh?

Rauru: Now if someone offered...

>>but emotions so sweet and loving.

DED: Sweeeeeeet emoooooooooooootiooooooon...!

Link: Sweet Emo Shaun!

DED: ...What?

Link: I dunno I’m  losing my mind over here.

>>He cradles her face as she drapes her leg over his thigh and she only breaks their kiss so she can see the blue in his eyes.

Rauru: I think you’re close enough to fire, then.

>>"We never used the oil," she says, and he laughs.

Zelda: I got that wet-ass pussy.

DED: See here now, I won’t stand for lube-shaming. There’s nothing wrong or shameful about not having a particularly wet-ass pussy.

Zelda: Oh, for sure! I’m just saying I got that wet-ass pussy.

>>He gives her a look;

Link: I suppose, now that we’ve entered into a sexual relationship, I should probably take a quick second to see what she looks like.

>>a raised eyebrow and bitten lip, like maybe they can use it next time.

Rauru: Get your tarot card punched at 10 mystic orgies, get a free soft-serve.

DED: Get a coupon good for 15% off your next Eldritch Sex Basket by filling out a short survey.

>>She nods, nose grazing against his own and there's something about this; pillow talk under the moonlight, satisfied and sedated, that has the whole world fading away.

Zelda: This SENTENCE STRUCTURE has my SANITY FADING AWAY!!!

>>"I like the sound of your voice," she whispers. The sound of it now imprinted in her mind and on her heart.

Link: All she’s ever heard me say is sex grunts.

Zelda: So?

>>He blinks slow and that boyish grin falls to her neck and he places a kiss there.

Rauru: Hiding his total lack of comprehension with a cheesy smirk, that’s just how he copes.

Link (grinning boyishly): Whatever do you mean, man?

Rauru: ...Are you literally asking?

Link: ...What?

Rauru: ...What?

>>She feels a muffled laugh patter softly against her skin and she holds him;

DED: Mountains come out of the sky and they STAND THEEEEEEERE!

>>arm wrapping around broad shoulders as his own rest heavily at the dip of her waist and he nudges her even closer.

Zelda: NOT...EVERYTHING...HAS...TO...HAPPEN...IN THE SAME...SENTENCE!

DED: And then Vegeta attacked Goku, but Goku was able to buy time for the other Z Fighters to get into position while the Androids came looking for a fight and they found Krillin and battled him, with Goku defeating Vegeta and wounding Vegeta’s Saiyan pride, when the Z Fighters suddenly pulled off their ambush but it wasn’t enough so they started charging their power level...

>>Minutes pass, maybe hours,

Link: Watches, microwaves, VCRs, all mysteriously stopped at the same time. Total blank in the subject’s memory, a “lost time” phenomenon, corresponding with this unknown radiological event that was powerful enough to disrupt electronics for miles—Scully, there has to be something more to this.

>>and the only movements they make is when Link pulls out of her and uses the hand towels to clean them.

Zelda: My...labia...?

>>They return to the same positions

Rauru: Cut! Take it from the top!

DED: NOOOOOOOO!

>>and she starts combing her fingers through his tangled hair and decides not to stop by the protest he hums when she does.

Link: Wh...what...you...why did you have to explain “Zelda gets off on annoying me” using fancy talk? Huh? With the ol’ word-logic reverse-‘em-ups do for the don’ts.

>>The steady motion may have lulled him to sleep long ago,

DED: Absolutely no way to find out.

>>so she closes her eyes, exhaustion seeping into her bones

Rauru: You have paid a terrible price for this ritual.

>>as they lie contently, and that's when Link takes a long, sated inhale in the crevice of her neck.

Zelda: Oh, wow, okay, guess the rhythmic motion of my fingers on his scalp DIDN’T lull him to sleep, long ago or at any point. Story of the century right there.

>>The information she's read on wolves mention the act of mating,

DED: Aaahh, yes, more of this classic trope, “the princess has exhaustively studied wolf banging complete with explicit and highly sensory details.”

Rauru: Look, evolutionary biology is really interesting.

>>how they mark their lovers as their own so no one else can have them, how they sniff and nuzzle and breathe in the scent of their mates just like he's doing.

Link: Wolves also bury carcasses to eat later. I took care of that for us too.

>>Wolves are beasts that are loyal, alphas that can be domesticated, and when she moves to drape the extra blanket atop their bodies, Link releases one more velvet sigh

DED: ...WHY DOES THE FIRST PART OF THAT SENTENCE BELONG ATTACHED TO THE SECOND?!

>>before kissing her skin and drifting off to sleep.

Rauru: Good job not kissing her hair or nails I guess...?

>>He is who the matchmaker said he is, and Zelda's realizing now, so is she.

DED: Claaaaassic confirmation bias.

Zelda: And thus the cycle of the horoscope huckster continues and reinforces itself.

>>The hunter and the wolf have very similar intentions.

Link: *sigh* HERE we go...

Rauru: We’re not DONE?!

>>Unable to be tamed entirely, they both only trust in very few people, if not at all,

Link: Wolf and Hunter should bring this up with Therapist.

>>and when their eyes catch on something they want, they'll stop at nothing to have it.

DED: Wait, I’m thinking of tech CEOs.

>>They clash when they fight against one another;

Zelda: And they call it...SUUUUPER...SMAAAAAAAAASH BROTHERS!!!

>>vicious and bloody, snarling teeth and arms at the ready,

DED: There’s semen on her sweater already, boy-confetti...

>>but when they're companions they share a bond; loyal with trust and affection.

Rauru: When the hunter...and the prey...are friends...?

DED: Yeah, again, like with tech CEOs and the bozos who stan them online.

>>With a fulfilled smile

Link: I fulfilled the wrong body part! Shucks, I’m sorry.

>>and contentment nestling into her bones, Zelda kisses his temple one last time

DED: Is this, like, Hyrule’s equivalent of kissing and circling the Kaaba?

>>and falls asleep in his arms.

Zelda: If the one arm underneath me starts tingling with nerve damage...tough titties, wolves can’t talk.

Link: I’ll just bite you when my arm falls asleep, then.

Zelda: ...Fair.

>>And in the morning,

Rauru: ...in the evenin’, ain’t we got fun?

>>when dawn sheds light on the forest, breaking the spell of twilight and carnality,

DED: Lunatic fringe! In the twilight’s last gleaming! This is open season...but you won’t get too far...

>>Link will only pull her closer and Zelda will only kiss him sweeter

Link: Okay but can we...leave...?

Zelda: NO! ONLY pulling closer.

>>and they'll both leave with milk on their skin and the scent of cherries on their tongue.

Link: PHEW. That was the Bataan Death March of erotic storytelling.

DED: Hey Zelda, do you remember, at the end of a different story, years back—

Rauru: —because you write slow—

DED: —when you asked for a story about you stalking and terrorizing monsters with sexual assaults?

Zelda: I have divine eididic memory of everything I’ve ever witnessed, so, yeah, sure.

DED: Well, isn’t this story pretty close? Maybe a more...healthy compromise?

Zelda: ...Did Link seem even remotely terrorized?!

Link: You yourself said this was so close to your ideal story!

Zelda: Hey, strike three is still an out whether you swing and miss by a hair or by a mile.

Link: WHY DON’T YOU JUST NOT TERRORIZE ME?!

Rauru: Can we circle back to how slow Dave writes?

DED: No.