In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space
We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:
Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “Reticulating splines..."
Rauru! “Know your rolls and stuff your mouth!”
Zelda! “I'm tired of speaking Latin!”
Link! “My toes, ranked: a thread!”
If you don’t get how he stays alive
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!
A Dog and his Mistress by reaperofdemons92
>>>Link followed Urbosa around her home.
DED: Like a dog...? Eh? Eh? HAMMERING this theme!
Link: Hey wait, where's Midna and her ceaseless withering canine-themed abuse?
Rauru: This is BotW, apparently.
DED: BotW WotW, woof woof?
Rauru: Enough already!
>>It was that time of week again,
Zelda: Yup, it's perverted fanfiction time again, and I'm breaking out the VSOP.
Link: Isn't that a kind of olive oil?
Rauru: No, that's EVOO.
DED: Isn't that a fighting game tournament?
Zelda: It's cognac, you proletarian jackasses!
Link: Wait, Zelda, are you saying you're only a slovenly alcoholic when we're here in the theater? Zelda:
Zelda: *ssssssssip* Did I say that perverted fanfiction was the only reason I drink?
>>her 'special' day,
DED: Her day for sexual "pleasure."
Rauru: I'm sure it'll be extremely """""hot""""".
>>and she wasn't going to waste any time.
Link: EXCEPT FOR OURS HUH
>>They traversed downstairs where a tall, black, metal door awaited.
DED: Gerudo hottie takes BBD.
>>"I'm glad you were able to make it on time young hero."
Rauru: "For once..."
>>she said to him with a snide smirk,
DED: Or perhaps a smide snirk.
>>"I have so much planned today."
Rauru: And Link is here? Well, throw all that shit out the window...
>>Link was nervous yet excited, he wouldn't miss this time for the world.
Link: The world is not enough!
Zelda: Hey that's MY motto! I said it during the opening theme song a while ago!
DED: Just let him have it, you've got plenty of other mottos you've been reciting during the theme song.
Zelda: ...Did you fucking LISTEN to them? THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH, what makes you think I have enough mottoes?!
>>He just hoped that she would go easy on him this time.
Link: When has that ever happened?
>>They reached the metal door where they stood.
Rauru: They reached where they stood? They walked up to themselves...?
DED: Was it their Stands?
>>"Before we enter, I have a little something special for you hero."
Zelda: The solution to the Riemann hypothesis?
Link: A mint condition Action Comics #1?
DED: A printer that actually works?
>>said Urbosa. "First, strip."
Rauru: Oh. That's hardly anything special.
Link: I do that on a daily basis!
>>Understanding right away,
Zelda: I'm legitimately impressed.
>>Link removed his clothes until he stood bare before her.
DED: "Now put 'em back on again. Bahahaha, that never gets old..."
>>Urbosa grinned and reached into her satchel for a leather, studded, collar and leash.
Rauru: Commas, aren't, used that way. Unless, you're gasping, for breath, like me.
Link: Does it bother you that you get winded from eating?
Rauru: Should, it?
>>She placed it around Link's neck
DED: ...The satchel?
>>and kept hold of the leash. "Now on your hands and knees."
Link: "You want me to strip again, in a different posture...?"
>>Link obeyed and knelt down on the stone floor,
DED: Okay, like, BDSM, I get it, but knee pain from a stone floor has got to be the least-sexy type of pain imaginable.
>>Urbosa looked him over and thought for a moment.
Zelda: "Christ. Even as a sex slave, he's more trouble than he's worth."
>>This needed something.
DED: An editor?
>>It finally came to her and she reached in her satchel once again and took out
Link: Wow, what an amazing coincidence that the something that this needed happened to be the very thing she brought in her bag!
>>what appeared to be a silicone dildo with a switch and a small tube of lubricant.
Rauru: Um...did the ancient Sheikah invent silicone, alongside robots and anti-gravity pegging harnesses?
Zelda: Yup. In fact, their society collapsed because they lost interest in fucking with their actual genitals in favor of their manifold and terrifying sex toys, and stopped breeding.
DED: Those who forget the dildos of history are doomed to repeat them.
>>After coating the solution along the toy, she asks the hero to turn around.
Link: Where is she going with this...?
>>He did so until his rear faced her
DED: Only to keep going, until it didn't, and then it did again, and then didn't...
>>and gasped as he felt the tip of the dildo prod through his ring
Rauru: Now THAT'S what I call a "dead ringer."
Link: GAH
DED: Now THAT'S what I call "ring toss."
Link: NO
>>and sink deeper into his anus,
Rauru: I thought the ring was his anus. Is there an actual ring in front of his anus?
Zelda: Wow, I thought butthole piercings were strictly a yaoi thing. Pure fiction.
Link: PLEASE STOP
>>the cold lubricant making it easier to slide in.
DED: Why can't this lube be on a long tarp on a hillside? That'd be dope.
>>His hands balled into fists
Rauru: Or did he fist his balls?
Link: NO
>>as the toy was tucked into him snugly,
DED: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and past the black door, the Gerudo were stirring the butt of their whore. The dildo was nestled all snug in his hole, while visions of sugarplums lubed up his pole...
>>inch by inch, until he felt it reached a bundle of nerves deep inside of him.
Link: M-my...brain...?
Zelda: Your what?
Link: I don't know!
>>He strained and grunted, making an effort to adjust to the feeling.
DED: And get high on believing.
>>He heard a small click
Rauru: Oh, it's another Shadow Temple wall scythe.
>>and the object in his rectum began to vibrate and move about,
DED: There must have been some magic in that old sex toy they found, for when they placed it up his butt, it begaaaan to dance aroooound! Ooooh, Froooosty Dil Do-man, was a jolly happy soul...
>>pressing against his walls in circular motions.
Rauru: Where it stops, nobody knows!
>>He could barely hold himself up as the tingling sensation made his arms and legs weak.
Link: Sort of like how lightning bolts paralyze me and knock me down.
Rauru: Ah, yes, the lightning/buttplug equivalence theory.
>>"No slacking now." said Urbosa,
DED: "No slack-lining, no hacky-sack, no unicycling, none of that beardy hipster bullshit on MY watch."
>>tugging the leash. Link obediently picked himself back up as the door opened.
Zelda: Grasping himself around the torso and lifting his body off the ground, floating towards the ceiling, his sheer stupidity and belief that it would work allowing him to defy all the laws of physics.
Link: Man, I wish it worked that way...
>>He was led inside where various sexual items hung from the walls
Rauru: Such as a +2 Whip of Sadomasochism, which deals an extra 2d6 points of nonlethal damage, and a pair of Mithril Panties of Swiftness +5.
Zelda: Oh, look! That's where I left my scroll of Conjure Greater Dildo!
>>and bondage devices stood.
DED: Under a spreading chocolate star, the village kink gear stands; the smith, a mighty man is he, with large and sinewy hands, all the better to massage your tender prostate glands...
Zelda: A poem by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow...a man who needs no porn name.
>>On the other side of the room was a large throne where four gerudo guards stood on either side of.
Link: Is that, like, the throne, the official Gerudo seat of power? Or is this a subsidiary throne, a throne of pornography?
Rauru: I hope so. You gotta maintain that work-life separation.
>>They watched as their lady walked in with Link crawling at her heels.
DED: "Um, so, wow, okay boss, I um...consider this my two-weeks notice..."
Rauru: "Me too."
Link: "Me three."
>>The blonde hero's limbs felt like jello
Zelda: Um, I THINK you mean "non-copyright-specific gelatin-based dessert product."
Rauru: Alls I knows is, you can’t trademark deliciousness. *SLUUUUUUUURP*
DED: ...How DO you always have any given food on you, ready to eat, at any given moment, a propos of any given food-related incidence?
Rauru: Did you think being the Sage of Light gave me no supernatural power or authority?
DED: What in the FUCK can that possibly have to do w—
Rauru: —Patience, my apprentice. The mysteries are not for unfortified minds. *SLORP*
DED: You’re fulla shit.
Rauru: I’m full of non-copyright-specific gelatin-based dessert product!
>>as he did whatever he could to ignore the buzzing in his ass while he followed.
Link: THE BEEEEEES! AAAAAAH! THEY'RE IN MY AAAAAAASS!
>>The Gerudo leader reached the throne and sat down while Link knelt before her.
Zelda: "I dub thee Sir Sissybitch Fucknugget, First of His Gay-Ass Name, Taker of Cock, Gobbler of Knob, First Among Fembois, Twinklord of the Manpussy Marches..."
>>"Now hero," she said, "as of now you are my dog. Is that understood?"
Link: Your dawg? Or your dog-dog?
Rauru: I award you the title "Homie of the Realm."
>>Link nodded in slight reluctance.
Zelda: Well that's no good, she needs to beat that flicker of resistance out dead.
>>"In that case, beg like one."
Link: For what? Walkies? A Beggin' Strip? My favorite chew toy? I need to know my motivation in this scene.
>>Shakily, he sat up onto his knees, holding his hands out in front of him like a dog in a begging stance.
DED: That's a human begging stance. We taught our dogs to imitate it for our amusement.
Zelda: Fine, whatever! "Beg like the wretched human you are" works just as well.
>>Urbosa grinned, "Good boy," she said before sticking a leg out. "Now lick this."
Rauru: Lick it good!
>>Link scurried up to her
Zelda: No, no, no, WRONG! Today is dog play day. Rat play day is on Thursdays.
>>and began running his tongue along her bare foot.
DED: The great taste of tyranny!
>>She watched him with a malicious gleam in her eye,
Link: ...This must be true love!
>>feeling the warm, wet, muscle glide along her foot so needily like a good slave.
Rauru: Um...I guess the tongue is a "slave..." I mean, all your muscles are slaves to your brain.
Zelda: Well, when it comes to the tongue, you are the most ruthless slavedriver of all.
Rauru (licking a three-foot-tall ice cream cone): Whuh? Whuddahoo meeh?
>>He then started mouthing it,
DED: Forming his lips and tongue into the position to enunciate "it," but not vocalizing.
>>wrapping his lips over it, sucking and kissing.
Zelda: ...sucking at kissing? Oh, no, I was mistaken.
Link: Damn straight you are. My kissing is legendary.
Zelda: Indeed, tales of your incompetent and downright frightening kisses will be told for generations to come.
Link: Damn straight they will!
DED: Dude, she's insulting you.
Link: Damn straight she is!
>>He placed her toes in his mouth as if attempting to engulf her foot,
Rauru: I bet he could, if he really tried his hardest.
Zelda: I bet you could, you ravenous freak.
Rauru: An entire human foot? Oh, for sure. In fact, one time I got banned from one of those eat-sushi-off-a-naked-lady things because in my haste I accidentally—
Zelda: —thaaat's plenty, thanks.
>>suckling hungrily and desperately.
DED: Because this foot-residue is all he gets to eat today.
Rauru: Well, that there's some calories at least. But probably not more than he's expending on the sucking action.
Zelda: I guess you would know.
Rauru (holding up a dripping pork roll): If I were him, I'd opt for a dripping pork roll.
Link: And you are doing.
Rauru: ...Oh hey, look at that!
>>The bronze skinned woman chuckled amusedly.
Link: Hiding the pain she felt at being unable to move, being made out of bronze and all.
DED: At least her brazen feet should be pretty sterile for you to lick.
>>He was cute when he acted this way.
Zelda: Utterly obedient? I...I guess, I mean I'd call it less "cute" and more...what's an adjectival form of "oh thank fuck for this blessed interval of calm?"
>>~n~n~
SMACK!
Rauru: HORSE! DOPE! JUNK!
>>Link's wrists were tied together and hung from the ceiling by a hook,
Link: Wow, okay, I get it, BDSM and all, but isn't dismemberment going a little too far?
Rauru: You never said the safe word!
Link: She never gave me one!
>>his mouth was gagged with a rubber ball gag,
Zelda: Thank...GOD!!!
>>and his cock was constricted with a cock ring.
DED: It should cost about 2 months' salary.
Rauru: Here comes the dom! She's looking bomb! Here comes the sub! Cock needs a rub!
>>The guards were commanded to suspend him from the floor while they paddled him.
Link: But how would a canoe even work if it's suspended from the ceiling?
>>WHACK!
Rauru: I agree, this story is completely whack.
>>The paddle they used was made of polished wood with several holes in it,
Zelda: They are up shit creek, but at least they have a paddle.
>>the handle wrapped in leather for gripping.
DED: Encrusted with priceless rubies, inlaid with mother of pearl, this exquisite spanking bat is truly the most majestic of the Gerudo crown jewels.
>>THWACK!
Link: Splokk! Pwang! Zwoom!
DED: Holy hedonism, Batman!
>>To add insult to injury the dildo was still deep inside Link's anal,
Zelda: You have added insult to dildory and this will not stand! I challenge you to a duel!
>>the pleasure from which mixed with the stinging of the spanks,
Rauru: By the stinging of the spanks, someone wicked this way wanks!
>>creating an overwhelming feeling that stimulated from his prostate to his brain,
Link: My two most important features.
>>his penis began to erect.
DED: Erect what, a tent?
Rauru: A good ol' fashioned Amish barn-raisin'?
>>Urbosa sat back and watched with delight at the look on Link's face.
Zelda: Binge-watch this latest streaming sensation.
>>A look of pain and pleasure combined with embarrassment and perverse masochism.
DED: Sentence fragment. An incomplete thought.
>>"Enough." she spoke,
Link: I wish it was...sadly, for the author at least, it just isn't...
>>raising her hand to signal.
Rauru: That's...not even wrong...
>>The guard stopped her procedure
DED: Disengaging spanking procedure...proceeding to Alpha 3 sadomasochism protocols...
>>and stepped back, Link's face was flushed as tears pricked his eyes.
Link: And as my prick tears up my eyes and flushes them. Down the toilet.
>>"Such a pathetic display," she commented,
Zelda: Okay, which one of us said that?
Rauru: Wasn't me.
DED: I mean, I thought it...
>>"You enjoy being treated like a child don't you hero?"
Zelda: I GUESS HE MUST BECAUSE GAWDAMN DOES HE ACT LIKE ONE!
Link: Nuh uh, no way, a mere child could NEVER have such awesome ideas as me. I mean when was the last time you saw a CHILD assemble a fully functional flamethrower out of a trumpet, a party balloon, a barbecue lighter, a bunch of zip-ties, and a pint—
Zelda: Okay, okay, I take it back: you AREN'T childish, the comparison is an insult to the common sense and basic survival instincts children have.
>>He didn't answer, Urbosa signaled the guard to turn him around so that she his back side.
Rauru: Ah, the Lazy Susan. Brilliant at the dining table, and brilliant in the kink dungeon.
>>His rear was as red as a beet and burned,
Rauru: Red as a beet and burned as a badly-cooked beet!
DED: Rauru over here on a ROLL with his gluttony comments!
>>the guard grasp one of his butt cheeks,
Link: I mean, you CALL them that, but cheeks aren’t the most obvious comparison. Why aren’t they called back-boobs?
>>making it sting as she gave a squeeze,
Zelda: A squeeze (of the poison glands in her abdomen) (because she is a bee) (hence the sting)
>>her nails digging into his skin.
Rauru: Or, well, nailing his skin.
>>Link groaned behind the gag, biting down on it in discomfort.
Link: “I just came here to get my library card renewed! Why does it have to be so difficult?!”
>>"How does it feel boy?"
DED: To be on your own! With no direction home! A complete unknown!
>>asked Urbosa, "Think you can still handle it?"
Link: I can’t handle the truth! But I can handle more sadomasochism. Being injured is like half of my skillset.
>>He was turned back around to face her, though he felt sore he wasn't ready to give in, he wanted more.
Rauru: So, they spun him around a couple more times, delighting him to no end.
>>He wanted whatever else she had to throw at him.
Zelda: For now, I guess the various pieces of her dominatrix outfit are all that’s at hand...
DED: The heels probably have the mass to do some damage.
Rauru: I like your thinking.
>>Link look to her with a determined gaze and nodded.
DED: Filled with fighting spirit, yet only for the task of suffering for another’s desires. That is a pretty apt microcosm for the state of being a video game protagonist itself...
>>Urbosa smirked, taking it as a challenge.
Zelda: Only in that it, well, technically, it is...
>>~n~n~
The guards had the Hero of Hyrule strapped down to a table top,
Rauru: They called me mad, MAD, but it is THEY who are mad, mad not to perceive the genius of my greatest creation! And TONIGHT...! With THIS...! I shall show them ALL!
>>Urbosa stood at the foot of the table and watched as her women took out a dark red candle, slowly stroked the back end of it along Link's jawline, across one of his pecs to tease a nipple
DED: Oh, psst, just some lame Wiccan ritual or something.
>>before descending down his stomach to his exposed groin where his cock stood upright,
Link: Yes, standing tall and proud on its own two...balls.
>>running up and down along the shaft which made the organ twitch.
DED: What’s up Organ Twitch pipesfan555 here playing Toccata and Fugue in D Minor for 233 viewers, smash that follow button and can we get an F in chat for my man Beethoven...
>>Urbosa signaled, asking her guard to proceed.
Zelda: The fuck? Why is this kink session being conducted like a special forces raid, all hand gestures and delegation to squad members?
DED: I thought as a fellow authoritarian monarch you'd approve of her orderly manner and competent staff.
Zelda: But what's even the POINT of being a dictator if you just wiggle your hands instead of shouting dictats?!
Link: UHHHHHHHHHG.
>>A second guard took out a match and lit it
Rauru: It's always around this time in the weekly torture party that Urbosa feels like smoking a pipe.
>>before placing the flame against the wick of the candle.
DED: This caused the flammable wick to ignite and begin burning wax, while drawing up more molten wax fuel from below by convection. The energy of the burning wax was radiated as both light and heat, which...
>>After a moment the candle began to melt,
Link: ...The whole thing...?
>>the guard held it over the hero's chest where it dripped and burned his skin.
Zelda: It looks like this dominatrix has...waxed wroth! Aho ho ho ho ho.
>>He yelped and jerked,
Rauru: Off,
>>the wax droplet cooled quickly
DED: Oh no, now it’s freezing cold!
>>and dried on his flesh.
Link: And my hairs. Right? It still dries on those.
>>Another drip of wax fell onto his stomach, another on his hip, on his thigh, back up to his chest.
Rauru: “Heeeaaad, shoulders knees and toes, knees and toes!”
Link: “AAGUUHGHHH”
Rauru: “Eyes and ears and mouth and nose...”
Link: “HYEERARRRGHH”
>>The candle hovered over him,
DED: ...Someone was just holding it there. C’mon, don’t be so dramatic.
>>wax falling onto his body, scalding and searing his tanned skin.
Rauru: There are easier ways to cook him, you know.
>>Link panted, though it hurt it felt so invigorating.
Link: ...panting does?
>>It had been about half an hour,
Zelda: Oh, so it only FEELS like it’s been a thousand years...
>>half the candle had been melted away and Link's body laid covered in dried wax.
DED: Once he’s fully sealed in wax, he’ll be aged for up to 6 months and then shipped.
>>"Should I stop my lady?" asked the guard.
Zelda: “Should I start a coup d’état against her?”
Rauru: “Uh, I’m right here...”
>>"No," said Urbosa, "besides, you missed a spot."
Zelda: “Well, what the hey, why don’t we just whip up a big cauldron full of this stuff then? I didn’t know coverage was even the goal here.”
Link: “We gotta improve workplace communication.”
>>Link understood what she meant right away
Zelda: IIIIIIIII’d double-check his assessment if I were you...
>>and braced himself as melted candle wax was poured onto the one place that wasn't covered.
Rauru: ...By the insurance?
>>He was met with a burning on his bare shaft as the white hot liquid-like substance
DED: Uhhh, I think you’ll find it literally is a liquid substance.
>>was poured onto his groin.
Link: There it goes again on my groin...drippin’ down the only road I’ve ever known...
>>The pain made him stiffen as he was overcome with searing arousal.
Zelda: I'm overcome with "sneering dismissal," that's basically the same, right?
>>Finally the melted candle had been taken away and Link was left laying there as the wax cooled.
Rauru: Well, call us if anything changes.
>>"Might as well wait until that dries." said Urbosa,
DED: "Hell at this point the whole day is shot, you all can just go home early..."
>>"I think I'll head down to the Noble canteen for a quick drink.
Link: "Ain't no laws when you're drinkin' Claws."
Zelda: "Or when you're, y'know, above them, like I am..."
>>You just relax until I get back."
Rauru: The Effete Blond Fucktoys Union negotiated long and hard for these mandatory break periods.
>>Link watched her leave, unable to do anything but lie there awaiting her return.
DED: And so, he lay there, awaiting her return.
>>An hour passed and the wax completely hardened on the blonde's flesh.
Link: Man, that’s weird, that’s exactly how it’s making me feel reading this story in the first place.
>>By the time Urbosa returned she ordered her guards to pick it off.
Zelda: Since she...COULDN’T order the guards...if she wasn’t...there. To do it. Yes.
>>It wasn't all that pleasant of an experience,
Rauru: No, not for anybody.
DED: Certainly not the readers.
>>each bit of the substance was peeled and torn off painfully in bits and chunks leaving behind raw redness slightly more severe than when he was spanked.
Rauru: “Hey there, neutral human rights observers, are you doing a war crime over there?”
Zelda: “Nope! This guy is a masochist, he’s happy this way.”
Rauru: “Oh, I see. Carry on then.”
>>It almost felt as though that some of his skin was getting picked off as well,
DED: It almost feels as though that some of this story is coherently written, but then you look a little closer, and realize it isn’t.
>>the worst was when they started tearing it off his penis, irritating his sensitive foreskin.
Link: My foreskin takes offense at the slightest grievance or social faux pas.
>>It took 10 minutes to pick off some of the hardened fluid off the boy but there was still so much.
Zelda: And just whose fault is that, anyway?!
>>"Get a bath ready for him," said Urbosa, "hopefully that should help."
Rauru: “Cripes, I dunno, I’m out of ideas. There has to be something we can do about him...”
>>~n~n~
The hero of Hyrule shuddered and shivered in the basin he sat in,
DED: What are you basin your assessment on?
>>vibrator no longer penetrating his ass.
Link: Th-then what is it penetrating now...?
>>Urbosa had her women fill a tub full of icy cold water
Zelda: No mean feat, in the desert.
Rauru: They’re all gathered around, sweating, licking their lips, wishing they could have a cold glass instead of wasting it torturing some Hylian fuckboy...
>>and to place Link neck deep into it. It helped soothe his irritated and slightly burnt flesh
Link: We have healing potions, you know. C’mon, could you not cough up for one measly healing potion for your favorite sex slave?
DED: Come to think of it, I mean...sadomasochism in a setting with supernatural healing...holy hell, sky’s the fucking limit.
>>and even helped with the remaining bits of wax still stuck to him, but it had been what felt like an hour and Link was freezing to the point where he turned blue.
Link: Still, I didn’t literally freeze into a big block of ice that then shatters violently. That’s usually good for like, at LEAST a full heart of damage.
>>Every now and then they would take a bucket, fill it with the water, and dump it over his head, soaking his golden hair.
Zelda: Why not just forcibly dunk his nerd head under the water?
>>Urbosa stood by the rim,
Rauru: Like it was her job or something. Badum-TSHHH!
>>now dressed in a tight leather body suit with a long two way zipper down the front,
DED: ...Oh. Huh, I just assumed she was wearing fetish leathers this whole time...
>>taking in the sight of the boy half freezing to death.
Link: Half freezing to death, and half dying of boredom. Come on, at least those other torments were exciting and dynamic...
>>"Take him out," she said,
Zelda: *slide-racking noise* “No problem boss!”
>>"He's clean enough."
Rauru: Eh, good enough for government work, which this actually is.
>>Link was removed from the basin, shivering and shaking as he was brought before her.
Zelda: "Ma'am I'm trying to bring him before you, could you stop...you're making this...where are you going? Stop moving around so much!"
>>"Cold hero?"
Rauru: I prefer warm doner kebab.
>>she asked, deviously, unzipping her suit. "Why don't you allow me help you warm up?"
Link: "...Do you actually want to hear the reasons why not? Or is this one of those rheplorable questions?"
>>~n~n~
DED: Nyaah nyaah.
>>Everyone stared as the leader of the Gerudos roamed about in her leather suit,
Zelda: The rare Royal Desert Dominatrix is known to roam up to fifty miles a day, constantly in search of the precious ass-pussy she needs to survive.
>>which bulged strangely from the front.
Rauru: This may come as a shock but that is, at least by our standards, not really that strange...
>>They gathered around as their dominatrix leader stood in the middle of town,
Zelda: ...Oh! Well that’s an improvement.
Link: ...is it? Not for ME.
Zelda: Yeah, but like, this is a public event. You’re raising morale, you’re providing an occasion for people to gather and do business, you’re creating excitement and dynamism in this community.
Link: ...Could I NOT?
Zelda: No. Do your civic duty.
>>tracing the human shaped bulge attentively with one hand,
Rauru: “...Human shaped bulge.”
DED: I mean I guess a cock bulge and a tiny human bulge, like a GI Joe or something, they’d look KINDA similar underneath tight leather pants...
Zelda: I’m glad we haven’t had to read a story that caters to the fetish of people stuffing tiny toy people into their tight leather pants, but I’m sure we’ll get there eventually.
>>teasing the twitching lump near the nether region.
Link: Just past the junction, down by the old sheet metal plant.
>>Link was bound against her bare body in the suit, his wrists tied back around her middle, his head squished between her breasts,
Rauru: Oh, OHHH! NOW I get it! I mean I don’t get it, but...
>>his stiff cock, constricted with a cock ring, making itself known under the fabric,
Link: “Hello? HELLOO-OOOO?! Can we get some MENUS over here?”
>>but to top it all off, she wore a special strap on complete with a vibrating dildo
Zelda: That’s not topping it off, that’s pretty much squarely in the middle of it all.
DED: But like...“topping” it off...
Zelda: Yes I know that, of course I recognized the double entendre, I’m the wisest living thing in the universe.
Link: Wiser even than the gods that granted you your powers?
Zelda: Oops, did I say that part out loud? Oh well.
>>which was stuffed up his rectum, stimulating and rubbing at his prostate.
Rauru: And I suppose I’m expected to care...?
>>The gerudo denizens stared in fixation as Urbosa took the bottom zipper and opened it up, unleashing the boy's hardened member and balls to the public.
DED: Not the first or the last time Link will have been publicly indecent, but certainly the first time under these particular circumstances.
>>Link felt air on his exposed genitals as well as many eyes,
Zelda: “Now, stick your dick into this JAR of EYEBALLS! Blueh-huu-huh!”
Link: “Um, I think these are just grapes...”
Zelda: “SILENCE!”
>>as mortifying as it was he could do nothing while trapped within The gerudo leader's confinements.
Rauru: I mean credit where it’s due, I don’t think “Link paraded through town in a kink papoose” was something anyone anticipated.
>>One vai walked up, curiously, "My lady, may I?" she asked politely.
Zelda: "May I, uh, like...do you need me at this meeting? We've got this big administrative backlog I was working on..."
>>"Go right ahead." grinned Urbosa.
DED: “...Thank you...” *wallops his junk*
>>The vai took hold of the cock and began rubbing it.
Link: Makes sense, I mean, I can grant you three wishes. Assuming you wish for “a spurt of cum” three times in a row, in rapid succession, and keep working at it for a few minutes.
>>Link moaned in surprised at the feeling of a hand stroking his member.
Zelda: ...What did he EXPECT?!
>>Another Vai approached and began teasing the head with her fingers, rubbing the glans
Rauru (in a Judas Priest-ly voice): RUBBING THE GLANS, RUBBING THE GLANS
>>and pressing against the slit. It all added to the feeling of the dildo in his ass,
DED: Feelings do tend to combine with other feelings in an additive way.
Rauru: For example, I’ve noticed that I can feel both hungry and bored, or both hungry and itchy, or both hungry and sitting on an uncomfortable sofa, or...
Zelda: Unless, I dunno, this one extra feeling on top of all the other feelings just flips him the fuck out and he starts dissociating completely and feeling nothing. Sometimes that happens when you’re torturing somebody. The trick is to keep them right on the verge o—
Link: —Can you not talk shop?
Zelda: Sorry.
Rauru: ...or both hungry and famished, or both hungry and ravenous...or even hungry, ravenous, peckish, AND sweaty! In fact I feel all those things quite continuously!
>>making him hard but with the cock ring on he was unable to cum.
DED: Does this really work, or is it just the kinky fantasy of what it’s supposed to do? Like, can you actually put enough mechanical pressure on the vas deferens to block it, and if you do, won’t your dick just die and fall off in a couple minutes?
Zelda: We can find out.
Link: FUCK CLEAR OFF!
Zelda: Chill, I was threatening Dave not you!
>>He started to get so hot that he began to sweat which ran from his temples to Urbosa's breasts and with the limited air within the leather he panted and hyperventilated.
Rauru: “Hey boss, if he suffocates to death like the last guy, d’you mind if I call dibs on his shield? That thing looks sweet.”
DED: “I call his bow!”
Zelda: “Now that you mention it, I could use those 47 frog livers he was carrying around. Oh and I want that cute little fuckboy outfit he has!”
>>When the hands released their hold his dick it was replaced with a warm wetness
Link: ...Wait, what did they replace my dick with?
>>over the head that sucked voraciously,
DED: “The Head That Sucked Voraciously,” one of those 1950’s sci-fi classics.
Rauru: No, that’s literally Kirby you’re describing.
Zelda: No, fuck this, stop this immediately, we have got to stop joking about Kirby in the context of blowjobs, understandable as it may be. Kirby is the one and only thing of purity in this cruel festering universe, and we must protect him.
>>Link's eyes rolled in his head at this as two more mouths joined in, mouthing either side of his cock.
Link: Haters gonna hate and mouths gon’ mouth.
DED: Three mouths a-mouthing! Two testes twitching! And a dildo up his boooootyyyyy!
Zelda: Wait are you implying this should become a holiday, like Christmas? Oooooohh...
Link: THAT AIN’T IT CHIEF
>>All three had moaned, delivering tingling vibrations which sent signals to his brain.
Rauru: That’s...wow, that really is putting it as mildly as possible.
Zelda: With Link, the signals get sent to the brain, but whether they actually get there, and whether and what they make him actually think...total crap shoot.
DED: I just gotta say, bravo, now THAT’s what I call “showing and not telling.” You can’t just say characters have feelings and emotions, you can only say that an electric signal went up into their meat computer and made a bunch of chemicals dance around in there. That is truth.
>>Boiling hot, limited air, and being met with all this teasing stimulation but not being able to cum was torture
Zelda: Oh, yeah, no, we know, we’re tallying the war crimes for when the Gerudo empire is on its knees before me and justice can be served.
Link: Can’t you just, like...ask Urbosa nicely to stop, at some state dinner? Offer her some fuckin’ random trade concession in exchange for cutting me some slack?
Zelda: Are you saying you don’t want to make them pay? Look, they were already honkerin’ for a conquerin’. Just sit still and be my casus belli.
Link: This sucks.
>and yet the boy found himself wanting more. Desiring more.
DED: I, too, desire more than to be tortured inside a sweaty catsuit.
>>He squirmed slightly in the suit against the tall gerudo who grinned and detected the hotness
Rauru: Pssh, good luck, lady. We’ve been trying to detect hotness from these stories for years now, and boy let me tell you, it is a struggle.
>>irradiating from the boy's body
Link: Um...?
DED: Actually, this is a 100% correct word usage. Ridiculous, but correct.
Zelda: Your favorite.
DED: Yep!
>>and how wet he was getting from sweating.
Link: And look at that, another factual statement!
>>She motioned for the women to stop and unzipped the top zip,
Rauru: Has Hyrule even invented the zipper? It’s a reasonably complicated thing to machine. I mean, it makes no difference to me, I’m living that mumu lifestyle, but...
DED: Obviously this is yet another ancient Sheikah kink artifact, featuring more unfathomable long-lost technology.
Zelda: Urbosa better be careful with it. Knowing the Sheikah, it probably also has deployable tentacles and some kind of particle beam.
Link: It would hardly be my first brush with Sheikah lasers...
>>exposing her large, luscious, breasts, where
DED: No no wait HOLD on.
Zelda: Large. Luscious. And packed full of macronutrients. Breasts. You know you want some.
>>squished in her cleavage was the sweaty face of a young man.
Rauru: “Behold, it’s Li—oh hold on, you’re not him. Who did I stuff into my catsuit then?”
>>The air blew against Link's face, the sunlight blinding him slightly, when he opened his eyes he met the curious and slightly lewd faces of the town.
Link: Oh, so it’s like a leper colony for people tragically afflicted with a permanent O-face?
>>"You're becoming quite popular hero," said Urbosa,
Zelda: “I mean, by certain metrics.”
>>"Why don't we give them all an experience they'll never forget?"
Rauru: Well, maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe it means she’ll only do this once, to avoid having this instance become forgettable by repeating the sadistic orgy too often.
>>~n~n~
Link: ~nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn~
DED: ...Koyaanisqatsiii....
>>All the gerudo vai citizens lined up at outside of the palace, waiting for their turn with Urbosa and her sexy voe dog.
Zelda: Wait, where were they before?
DED: It said they were in the middle of town.
Rauru: She made them all walk over to “at outside of the palace?” Why?
>>Inside, the champion of the Gerudos sat upon her throne, with Link still trapped against her in her leather suit,
Link: Oh, that’s her game, it’s just supposed to be a publicity stunt promoting palace tourism.
>>while a vai straddled over their hips and rode herself on the boy's hard cock.
Rauru: She...rode herself?
Link: Is that what centaurs are doing?
>>Link sat in Urbosa's lap,
Rauru: Yeah that’s...that’s what I assumed given the arrangements of everything...
>>which sent the strap on dildo
Zelda: The strap on the strap-on?
DED: I mean, y’can’t have a strap-on without straps.
>>slightly deeper into his anus,
Rauru: Once more unto the breach, dear friend!
>>his dick and face free for all to see,
Link: First six months free then 29.99 Rupees per month for eighteen months non-cancellable contract. Download and upload speeds for dick and face based on national averages.
>>while the gerudo made him thrust his hips into whoever wanted to use him.
Zelda: “Hey swing that cock over here, I need to hang my welding goggles from something for a second.”
Rauru: “Oh, I want to use him to prop the door to my apartment building open while I’m loading my stuff. Otherwise it like locks behind you and it’s super annoying...?”
>>Each vai fucked themselves on the hero's throbbing member until they came, oftentimes asking to do it in a different position.
DED: I really approve of this “summarizing” thing, can this become a trend?
>>As soon as the last vai was done another took her place
Link: ...I thought the one that was done was THE LAST vai.
>>and asked to be fucked in a doggy style position.
Zelda: “Excuse me good sir, might I trouble you to be fucked? In a doggy style position, if it wouldn’t be a bother.”
>>She got on all fours
Rauru: Opened the door, got on the floor, everyone walk the Lizalfos.
>>while Urbosa knelt behind her and positioned Link's penis into her pussy before thrusting both of their pelvises against her.
DED: I don’t care how many pelvises you throw at me, you’ll never win!
>>It wasn't fair that everyone else got to cum but not poor Link,
Link: It’s also not fair that I had to become a temporal martyr and be sent into a nightmare future that is a shattered and twisted mockery of everything I knew and loved, all so I could help fix a bunch of big dumb laser animal robots, AND YET.
>>he was thrusted and pounded against each vai, feeling their fluids soaking his dick while the ring restricted him,
DED: Yeah, duh, you can’t go out of the ring; YOU were in Soul Calibur 2 right?
Link: Holy shit, Soul Calibur 2, we shot that whole game in one absinthe-soaked weekend of debauchery, I barely remember playing the role and I spent the whole time leering at the one bondage lady’s massive mommy milkies.
Zelda: You may be horny and stupid but at least you’re honest. Now, let me go put Ivy Valentine on The List for when I finally conquer the entire video game multiverse.
>>cutting off his circulation and his need to ejaculate, making his genitals swell and turn a bruising color.
Rauru: This is so dangerous, how are cock rings even legal?
DED: While there are forms of genital mutilation that are absolutely fucking unconscionable, if a consenting adult wants to just put rubber bands around his dick until it falls off then that’s his decision.
Link: That’s pretty libertarian of you.
DED: It’s more an anarcho-fellatio sin-dick-alist position.
>>It was painful and humiliating, making tears form in those bright, blue, eyes.
Zelda: Oh no, the violent shear forces from all that thrusting are tearing his eyeballs apart!
>>Yet he smiled masochistically at the unbearable pain, pleasure, and attention, welcoming it with a grain of salt.
Rauru: Or what about a handful of coarse sea salt rubbed all up in his brutalized cockhead and urethra? That’d hurt like fuck, he’d love it.
>>Hours went by and the sun started to get low,
DED: Get low get low get low
>>by then the champion and the hero had just about screwed everyone in town.
Link: I mean Urbosa had already screwed everybody in town with her unjust incompetent leadership, I assume.
>>Link was about to pass out;
Zelda: Oh, just tuck him back into the bodysuit if he’s slipping out. He would, with all the sweat and thrusting.
>>he felt as though his cock was about to fall off,
Rauru: That’s odd, it already did about 45 minutes ago.
>>it was swollen and almost completely purple,
DED: Except for where the Gerudo had all signed their yearbook quotes on it using those glitter pens.
>>some cum did manage to escape but only about a teaspoon full.
Link: It’s a new record!
>>The vibrator had been thrusted into him so hard that it almost reached the opening of his intestine.
Zelda: Hope the art of Gerudo proctology is up to the task of retrieval.
>>Urbosa stood from her throne, also sweaty from the hard work,
Rauru: “Work,” really? Like, it’s demanding recreation, but it’s still just recreation, come on.
DED: I mean, from the standpoint of classical physics, “work” has been done. ‘Lotta joules of work went into this shitshow.
Link: Wait, did we all just skip over the fact that the throne is what’s sweaty from the hard work?
Zelda: Well, I mean...it would be...
>>and walked them upstairs to her quarters.
DED: That does seem unnecessarily exhausting for Urbosa.
Zelda: I dunno why she doesn’t just have burly slaves carry them both around. Walking’s for commoners.
Link: I knew I could count on you to one-up the decadence of Urbosa the 9-foot-tall exhibitionist dominatrix orgy queen.
Zelda: Aww, you’re sweet!
>>There she sat on her bed, exhaling a long sigh, before completely unzipping her suit, untying Link's wrists, and freeing him.
Rauru: Well, partially freeing him.
DED: Hopefully she plans to fully emancipate him after her death, in her will.
>>She switched the vibrator strap on off
Link: JOHN FREEMAN TURNED ON OFF THE COMPUTER
>>and removed the dildo from his ass before allowing him to flop onto his side into the soft cushions.
Rauru: Ah, I get it. For a masochist like Link, who WANTS to be hurt and humiliated, a nice comfy bed that ISN’T painful or humiliating is actually the ULTIMATE torture.
DED: Does that make masochism, like, infinitely recursive? If you were such a masochist that not being tortured was torture to you, would you start getting off on the torture of non-torture? If you get off on your own suffering does that mean you...CAN’T be happy, or that you’re ALWAYS happy? What the hell, kinksters, you uncovered an ontological black hole!
>>"Well this has been a busy day hasn't it hero?" asked Urbosa, gladly.
Link: I mean, it wasn’t that busy for ME in terms of me actively doing much of anything.
Rauru: Can you be busy enduring things all day? I guess you can.
>>"You've been a good boy, so I suppose I'll reward you now before we rest."
DED: WHAT THE FUCK DOES A MASOCHIST EVEN CONSIDER A REWARD?!? THIS IS TEARING MY BRAIN INSIDE OUT!
>>Link just laid there, weak and huffing,
Link: Weekend huffing? Oh, occasionally...
>>his dick still stiff and discolored.
Rauru: Dat color?
DED: No, dis.
Rauru: Dat’s thisgusting.
>>Urbosa turned him over until he was on his back and removed the cock ring from his swollen dick.
Link: How? Does it unsnap? Is it pneumatic?
Rauru: It’s probably ancient Sheikah magitech, so you don’t want to know how it works.
>>"Now hold still." said the vai champion,
Link: Oh, “now” hold still.
>>she straddled the boy's hips and had the member enter her.
DED: So this, of all the penetrations, is the one you want to describe in passive voice? Really?
>>Up and down she bounced and thrusted on the cock,
Rauru: O frabjous day! Calloo! Callay! They came, galumphing bareback.
>>feeling it drag against her walls and press her g spot. She teased her own clitoris to provide extra lubrication.
Zelda: But for all that, she still just “had the member enter her.” I’m with Dave, that was weird.
>>The hero watched, he wanted to move but he was too weak and even if he could he couldn't do anything without her permission.
Rauru: And with the housing market the way it is, moving just doesn't seem feasible anyway.
>>The wet womb made lewd sounds as Urbosa went faster and faster,
DED: I find "splorp" to be the most erotic of sounds...
>>Link's desire to cum was too much to bear
Link: I thought this was a dog story.
>>but he tried to hang in there so as to not upset her.
Zelda: Yessss...goooood...let the fear become your master...
>>The Gerudo leader saw the look on his face and grinned mischievously but decided to cut him some slack
Rauru: Yeah, pretty much literally.
>>and allow him to release.
Link: My brand new hit single, “Hnng!”
>>"Cum hero," she said, "unload yourself inside!"
DED: “Don’t forget to make my uterus sign for it! If no one’s home leave one of those forms on the door!”
>>upon hearing this, he shakily grabbed her hips and pulled her down until he came inside her.
Zelda: This is the least efficient fecundation process I have ever seen. You’re never going to get a viable heir at this rate binch, you gotta change tactics.
DED: That reminds me, Crusader Kings 3 is out.
Zelda: Shit yeah bro, get at that agnatic-cognatic primogeniture.
>>Happy to finally ejaculate for the first time in hours.
Rauru: Does this imply that he’s UNhappy if he ever goes for more than 1 hour 59 minutes without ejaculating? Damn dude, that wouldn’t even be fun anymore.
>>The both of them collapsed on the bed,
DED: They died of bofa.
Link: What’s bofa?
DED: BOFA...them...collapsed on the bed...!
Link: Okay, that’s what I thought, cuz that’s what the story said. Cool!
>>Urbosa pulling the covers over them before kissing Link on the forehead.
Rauru: “Welp, back at it again tomorrow, rise and grind let’s get that bread.”
DED: I imagine that turn of phrase hits very close to home for you.
Rauru (two-thirds of a baguette jutting out of his gaping mouth): ...eh oeuuh?
DED: Never mind.
>>"Such a good dog you are." she sighed as they both fell asleep
Zelda: He objectively isn’t. He didn’t do any of the useful things dogs are supposed to do.
Link: I can, though...
Zelda: But that didn’t happen in this story. I dunno, I guess if we were gonna have to sit through a story about puppy play I would have liked to see them lean in a bit harder, instead of this BDSM smorgasbord we got.
Rauru: ...Uh?
Zelda: No c’mon, it’s called “A Dog and his Mistress.” A vibrating dildo was used, but why not a vibrating buttplug with a tail? Did Urbosa even bother fashioning ears for him? I mean she didn’t even make him run down a game animal and eviscerate it with his teeth. Commit to the bit.
DED: You scare me more and more at every possible opportunity.
Zelda: It’s perfectly natural for a noblewoman to use her dogs to hunt!
Rauru: Yes but it’s possible to take something too fa—
Zelda: —You want I should release the hounds? Because this is how you get the hounds released.
All: NO!
