Classic MST: “Sex Knows No Species!” by HornyMuch

In the not-too distant future,

Somewhere on the Internet,

Lurked a crazy rambling author

no one could just quite forget,

Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made

Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,

They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,

So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space 

We’ll send him crappy fanfics,

The worst we can find, (la la la!)

He’ll have to sit and read them all

And we’ll monitor his mind

Now keep in mind he can’t control

When the fics begin or end

He’ll try to keep his sanity

With the help of his character friends:

Random Roll Call!

Pictograph Guy! “Don’t want to meet your mama! Oh oh!”

Rauru! “Crunchitize me, Cap’n!”

Zelda! “I have only begun to fight!”

Link! “Is Dr. Pepper a real doctor?”

If you don’t get how he stays alive

Or other technicalities,

Just bear in mind that I don’t care

So don’t bother asking, please

On Random Silly Theater 3000!

***

>>Sex Knows No Species!

Zelda: Whoa! Don’t startle me like that!

Link: It doesn’t? What about enemas?

DED: Y...whaaaat?

Link: You know, enemas. Those unicellular life-forms with pseudopods? They don’t have sex. They just, like, divide.

DED: You mean amoebas?

Link: I’m pretty sure I know what I mean, thank you Dave.

DED: But...oh, forget it.

Link: I mean what, do I look like I’ve never been to a libary before?

>>Malon tiredly heaved

Zelda: And if this story is up to the usual standards, I’m sure we’ll be heaving too.

Rauru: So there’s Malon. Sex partner one.

>>another bale of hay into the paddock in the central ring of her ranch.

DED: Oh, how graphic!

>>Her forehead was lightly blanketed with miniscule beads of sweat from the rising mid-morning sun.

Link: Wuss! Drop and give me thirty!

Rauru: (blanketed with sweat) What? It’s HOT when you have several metric tons of blubber around you!

>>It was merely nine AM and already she felt exhausted from the day’s laboring.

Zelda: You know, getting up, brushing her teeth, combing her hair, putting on clothes, making breakfast...grueling. Absolutely grueling.

Rauru: You said it! Except the breakfast part. Unless by “grueling” you mean, “eating gruel.” I personally find the bad rap that gruel has acquired to be most erroneous.

>>Of course, it didn’t help that her good-for-nothing father refused to help her along with the chores.

DED: I’m not sure I’d be comfortable, as a fourteen-year-old girl, with having my father put my clothes on for me.

Link: You’re a fourteen-year-old girl? I haven’t noticed.

DED: Shut it.

Link: You carry it very well.

>>He’d left the night before at midnight, drunkenly galloping one of the horses towards town.

Zelda: Minutes later, he came around a blind turn and, traveling at speeds approaching six miles per hour, lost control of his vehicle. Paramedics declared him dead on arrival. Don’t let drunk driving happen to YOU.

>>Malon, a light dozer,

Link: Malon is a light dozer? Huh, I always pictured her as being more of a front-end loader, or maybe a steamroller.

>>was awakened by the sound of clattering hooves over the cobblestone pathway towards central Hyrule.

Rauru: “Oh, I HATE it when he leaves his damn ‘The Best of Clattering Hooves’ album on while he’s away!”

>>She immediately assumed that he was going off to ravage another whore or two in the city,

Zelda: I’ll have you know there are NO whores in my city!

DED: Really?

Zelda: Yeah. We call them something comPLETEly different.

>>drinking and fucking until dawn,

Link: Really? At the same time? That seems hard. I dunno...I could try...

>>then sleeping for another day. He wouldn’t return for a day or so.

DED: So THAT’s what he was doing passed out in front of the castle. I had no idea he had such deep personal problems.

Rauru: When it comes right down to it, we all do.

>>But the poor horses surely didn’t need to suffer due to her father’s carelessness.

Zelda: Why not? They won’t tell anyone.

>>No, they would be fed, even if it was by the hands of a pretty young girl who had no business running a ranch alone.

Rauru: Oh, boo hoo, lady, we all got problems. My microwave burrito is too hot, and now I’ll have to wait a minute for it to cool before I can eat it.

>>Malon sighed as she gripped another bundle of alfalfa, tightly grasping the prickly greens,

DED: Stroking their long, smooth, hard shafts...

>>making her way to the restricted pasture a few hundred yards away from the mares’. The lady horses were in heat that season,

Zelda: Yes, and besides Malon, the OTHER equines were also in heat! Hee hee!

Link: ...I don’t get it.

Zelda: I’m calling Malon a...never mind.

>>and therefore to avoid any unexpected pregnancies,

DED: Oh, come on. This is an NC-17 story. What are the odds you’ll be able to keep EVERYONE from having sex?

>>the horses were separated by gender. This slight segregation was absolutely necessary in Malon’s opinion; a little colt or filly would only mean more work!

Rauru: Yeah, but what about the HORSE’s side of it?

>>As the lovely adolescent padded off to the stallion’s side of the ranch,

DED: Wait, adolescent horse or Malon?

Link: Does it make a difference?

>>she fondly reminisced of Link.

Rauru: Oh, Link this, Link that. There are plenty of other single guys in Hyrule.

Link: Like?

Rauru: Me, for instance!

Zelda: That is truly sad. Really.

Rauru: I put an ad in the personals: “SWM, bald, weights thirty-five-hundred pounds, seeks fun-loving SWF for fun, eating contests.” I haven’t gotten any responses.

DED: You poor, poor man.

>>She noticed that as her little body became more shapely and curved,

Zelda: At puberty, some girls turn into geometric shapes. Parallelograms and ellipses are common, but you may turn out different. Also, you’ll grow hair where there was none before, like in your obtuse angles.

Link: What shape are you?

Rauru: I’d have to say something like “giant egg.”

Zelda: ME?

Rauru: No, ME!

>>her lusts over the warrior developed as well.

Link: First it was lust, then it developed into hunger, then into boredom, then into sloth, then into confusion, and then into lust again...

>>With the coming of every evening in fact, she would hurry up to her room and lovingly daydream about the boy, dreaming of seeing him again.

DED: Yeah, assuming she can do that while violently masturbating.

>>She imagined what his hair would be like after his journey’s,

Zelda: His journey had hair?

DED: I didn’t know abstract concepts could have hair.

Link: Maybe it was a toupee.

>>how his facial features would’ve changed, how his tunic may be torn at the edges,

Rauru: Ah, the grunge look.

DED: How there might be blood gushing from gaping wounds, how his organs might spill gracefully onto the floor in a waterfall of bile and entrails...

>>and how his muscular body would appear, toned after his travels. It was at such a point that Malon would find herself needy in ways she didn’t understand as a naïve girl.

Rauru: Must...eat...pudding pops!

DED: Oh, really, come on, Rauru.

Rauru: Hey, that was what I was like as a naïve girl...

DED: ...

>>Her lower regions would suddenly become moist in sheer lust for Link.

Zelda: Link, your handsomeness is a danger to society. You give women orgasms at a range of 500 yards.

Link: I do?

Zelda: Yes. From now on you must wear a grocery bag on your head.

Link: (puts on grocery bag) Like this?

Zelda: Uh, well, actually I was just ki...

Link: I feel safer already.

DED: Me too.

>>Malon shook her head furiously, as she approached the frisky stallions.

Rauru: Wait, I don’t like the direction this is going...

Link: What direction? I can’t see anything.

>>Skillfully nudging the lock of the paddock gate open with her hips,

DED: Um, maybe you want a better lock, then.

>>she pushed the door open and trekked to the center of the enclosed area,

Link: I don’t think that trip would be a trek for anyone except maybe Rauru.

Rauru: Going from the couch to the fridge is a trek for me nowadays. That’s why I carry my own fridge, powered by a nuclear generator, in my flab rolls. (reaches into flab, pulls out hoagie) Woo hoo! Innovation at its finest!

DED: I wondered how you produced food out of thin air. But now that I know, I’m not sure I want to anymore.

>>setting the hay down as the hungry animals playfully advanced. Standing up straight and brushing at the freckled skin of her cheeks,

Link: “Ew! Freckles! Gettemoffgettemoffgettemoff!”

>>she grinned at the animal’s she prided herself in. They were work, true, but her passion indeed.

Rauru: I really don’t like where this is going.

>>Then, gazing across the pasture, she noticed one stallion giddy with exhilaration at the edge of the paddock.

Link: “I’m jumping! I’ll be free! So long, suckers!”

>>Curiously, Malon made her way over to him, calling out the horse’s name as her paced near the gate.

“Eskai?”

Zelda: Moo-gusf? Gug wagoog?

>>She stepped closer, inviting him to join the others with her calming voice. “Why don’t you go eat?” Then abruptly, Malon answered her own question.

DED: “Well I don’t feel quite hungry now,” “You still ought to eat, though, because I won’t give you any more,” “All right then, I’ll just have a little,” “Okay, fine...”

>>Glancing down at the stallion’s underbelly, she noticed the firm erection. So, he was lusting after a mare in another pasture, just as she lusted after Link.

Rauru: Malon has a firm erection?

DED: The author probably didn’t mean it that way.

>>At that very moment, Malon experienced a rush of horny excitement

Zelda: Oh! Sounds like a deodorant!

Link: “Try ‘Arctic Winds,’ ‘Blue Ice,’ and our newest wetness protection, ‘Horny Rush.’”

>>tingling at her loins.

Zelda: Link, when people think about you, they become so overwhelmed with lust they’re willing to mindlessly fuck anything in sight, be it man, woman, animal, or inanimate object.

Link: I’m, too sexy. I’m, too sexy. I’m, too sexy for society.

>>The inexperienced girl gasped, and slowly moved her hand down to her summery skirt, bushing against the clothed folds of her cunt. What was this new sensation?

DED: If she knows how to touch herself, why does she not know what arousal is?

>>The stallion breathed heavily in discontent, sighing and whinnying in unfulfilled

sexual drive.

Zelda: Sounds like Link when I leave him at home to go to the grocery store.

Link: But you’re gone for upwards of thirty minutes! And I want nookie NOW!

>>Eskai swerved his head to stare at Malon, inquisitively pondering her movements.

Rauru: “Oh, please, Malon, do that somewhere else!”

>>Knowingly, he studied as her hand graced her womanly orifice,

Link: Oh, I wanna study that! Can I major in Masturbatography?

>>as the girl gasped and barely audibly moaned.

DED: Wait, who is she jacking off to? The horse or Link?

>>Instinctually, the animal realized he had another option played out before him.

Zelda: While the girl rubs herself, quietly unlock the gate...

>>If he couldn’t have a mare, maybe this girl would do instead.

Link: Wow. Cold. Malon is second in attractiveness to a horse.

Zelda: Well, the horse thinks that.

Link: I think we all think that.

>>Eskai trotted his way towards Malon, and without any warning, shoved his head into her stomach and knocked her to the dry earth,

Rauru: Oh, you have to tackle your date? Maybe THAT’s my problem.

>>tipping his muzzle beneath the fabric of her skirt to rip of her panties.

DED: Very experienced horse.

Zelda: He’s uncouth, yes, but he’s still more graceful than Link was his first time.

Link: Sadly, yes. I admit it.

>>“Eskai, what are you-!”

Link: Last I checked, it was a horse.

Rauru: Or maybe some kind of ethnic food.

>>Malon stopped as a moan ripped from her lips.

DED: Outta the doorway the bullets rip, to the sound of the beat, AWWW yeah!

>>The stallion’s tongue was rapidly licking and nibbling at her exposed flesh,

DED: AAAAAH! ZOMBIE HORSE!

Link: Braaaaains...no, wait, oooooooooooooats..

>>gliding over her hairless pussy lips. She felt a knot well up in her stomach

Rauru: So sex makes you feel like you’re on a rolling ship? Or, like, you didn’t study for exams?

>>as a lustful craving came over her. Her needs were finally being fulfilled by this horse, and despite its obvious wrongness, she let the animal continue its ministrations.

Zelda: Eh, beggars can’t be choosers.

DED: Cold, Zelda.

>>Never before had she experienced such an overwhelming feeling of pleasure… she wasn’t about to stop it.

Link: Ummm...I don’t think a HORSE licking you would feel TOTALLY good.

>>The horse’s tongue grazed the lips of Malon’s vagina, suckling at the soft skin and lightly lapping between the lips, just barely revealing the moist cunt within.

Rauru: I thought “vagina” and “cunt” were the same thing.

Zelda: Who knows.

Rauru: You ought to.

Zelda: Sorry, no.

>>Eskai smiled inwardly

DED: Good, because I don’t think horses’ mouths CAN smile.

>>as he continued, satiated momentarily as the girl emitted moans and shrieks of pleasure.

Link: I wish I could draw nourishment from pleasuring people instead of eating.

DED: You’d weight about a million pounds by now.

Zelda: No, he’d have starved.

Link: Are you saying I don’t pleasure you?

Zelda: Well, I dunno. Am I?

Link: Yes! No, wait, no. Or, yes. No, no. Um...maybe?

>>His erection unknowingly hardened even more,

DED: I’d say it’s pretty hard for erections to know ANYTHING.

>>lengthening to a mind-boggling 15 inches.

Zelda: Hmm...no, I can’t say my mind is boggled.

Rauru: That’s not that big. Mine’s bigger.

All: (double-take) WHAT?

Rauru: Dude, do you think ALL the calories I eat go nowhere? I mean, it’s not just my stomach that’s grotesquely enormous.

Zelda: This...is a truly terrible revelation.

>>Being merely a year old, his cock hadn’t reached full growth, but his sexual maturity had.

Link: Hm. I hope that’s the case with me.

Zelda: Oh, Link, your cock is fine.

Link: Not compared to...*shudder* Rauru, I guess.

Zelda: Let’s not compare things to Rauru any more. Please.

>>He was ready to impregnate a mare, but in this desperate case, a young maiden would do just fine.

DED: I always knew Malon was less attractive than a horse, but, MAN!

>>The horse soon grew tire of this game, and instead of gently teasing Malon, he licked into the depths of her cunt, tasting the pre-game juices

Zelda: Pre-game?

Link: I for one am insulted at the notion that sex is a game.

Zelda: What is it then?

Link: Sort of...um...like...the Hokey Pokey, only it feels really really good.

Zelda: That...actually, that’s a pretty good analysis.

>>that awaited him. The taste somehow reminded him of buttercups,

DED: Oh COME ON! Vaginal discharge is NOT that great! Not...that...I would have any idea.

>>a plant that he delightfully nibbled on during early mornings in the pasture.

Malon screamed as the horse dove deeper into her virgin cunt, and she moaned when his tongue darted between the folds to caress the vagina opening and clitoris.

Rauru: “Hey, Malon, I’m just here to buy some cheese, and AAAAAAAH!”

>>The feelings experienced were unbelievably beautiful,

Link: Correct me if I’m wrong, but she’s being raped by a horse. Where’s the beauty?

>>but her body quivered as it yearned for even more. Her hands subconsciously drifted upwards to her breasts.

Zelda: Be careful. Don’t lose them.

>>Palming the delicate and budding flesh, she eagerly pinched and played with her nipples, enjoying the increased sensations of her own doing.

Rauru: Huh?

>>“Oh Eskai!” She yelped and moaned, “More…more!”

DED: What is it good for? Absolutely...

All: NOTHIN’!

DED: Uh huh!

>>The horse happily complied as he nudged the girl up and over to the edge of the paddock, requesting the maiden to throw herself over the lowest plank of the gate.

Link: And...off a cliff? Please fall off a cliff?

>>Somehow, Malon understood and did the requested action, awaiting whatever enhanced pleasure Eskai could dish out.

Zelda: The word choice in this story is kind of weird. Like, before now I’ve never thought of pleasure as something one can “dish out.”

>>Malon was thoroughly surprised however when she felt a thick piece of horsemeat slamming into her virgin tightness.

DED: Dude, why is she surprised?

>>“OH GODS, ESKAI!” She screamed, half in pain, half in pure ecstasy.

Rauru: I’m trying to decide if sex is even worth it.

>>The stallion maddeningly pumped in the wetness,

Zelda: And again. This is written as if the goal was to confuse people.

>>whinnying and heaving as he threw his loins faster and harder into the girl.

Zelda: And again.

>>His long erection lovingly stretched and tore at Malon’s insides,

Zelda: And again.

>>and the horny girl was moaning with every passing second.

DED: Like sands through an hourglass…

>>Her body trembled and shook with every earth-shattering stroke, her vagina gripping and clenching against the eager cock, milking the horse of his cum.

Rauru: So...is she going to make horse-cum-cheese?

Zelda: Rauru, what...

Rauru: Sorry. I wasn’t really paying attention.

>>Her cunt slurped with every outward pull of the erect pole

Link: Eww...ewwwwwwwwww...

DED: Huh. So sex must sound like “Fwap slurp fwap slurp fwap slurp...” Gross.

>>before welcoming it back in. And, oh, the feeling of raw lust, pure unadulterated ecstasy.

Zelda: Who feels that way? The horse?

>>Malon suddenly felt the knot of her stomach grow and slowly envelop her body,

DED: Whoa. So she like, collapsed into herself?

Rauru: That’s it, I’m swearing a vow of chastity.

Zelda: I’m pretty sure your eating habits are as good as a vow of chastity.

>>taking control of her voice as she subconsciously yelled and begged for more. “Oh please, more! More Eskai, drive it into me harder, faster! Give it all to me, all of it!

Rauru: Do people really say things like this when they have sex?

Zelda: Sad to say, yes.

Rauru: How about sex with animals? That can’t understand you?

Zelda: Now that is an interesting point.

>>Oh GODS you’re so big, it feels sooooooo goooooooooood!!!” She moaned, waiting for that one last pound to initiate orgasm.

And when it came, all of Hyrule knew.

Link: Um, I don’t think I want to know how that is.

>>Malon screamed in pleasure as she was completed,

DED: Well, it’s true, Malon’s scream does have a deafening radius of fifteen miles...

>>her cunt shuddering and erupting in an orgasmic spasm.

DED: Having read so many of these, I think it’s safe to say that the previous phrase can be reduced to, “She came.”

>>Her juices leaked from around Eskai’s steamy hot cock,

Rauru: Mmm. Makes me think of sausages. (takes out a 15-inch, hot, steamy, meaty sausage)

Link: You know, Salvador Dali believed sex to consist of nothing but edible concentrations of mystical form.

Rauru: Hm! I just might have to try it then!

>>dripping onto the ground as the stallion too reached his own release. With a strangled whinny, the stallion trembled and let loose a thick stream of burning hot semen in Malon’s womb.

Rauru: That...sounds...less pleasant.

>>After moments of moans and sighs, the feeling ebbed, leaving the young girl glowing in her lost virginity.

Link: Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Does getting fucked by a horse count as losing your virginity?

Zelda: Physically, yes, but...

DED: Does it make a difference?

>>In the aftereffects of the orgasm, Malon sighed and thought about her betrayed crush Link.

Rauru: Oh, forget him.

Link: Oh, yeah, I’m sure Mr. Horse is a MUCH better lover than ME.

>>Suddenly though, she realized she had a “man” worth even more.

DED: Or rather, “Enormous creature with bulgy eyes that could trample you to death.”

>>As she turned to face Eskai, who she could swear was grinning contentedly, she whispered, “Link who?”

Link: Oh boy! More post-coital knock-knock jokes! Okay. Lay it on me.

Zelda: Link, you’re gonna have to keep waiting.

DED: Well, I can say in this one’s defense that it was SHORT. And to the point. Oh well. See you next time.

Rauru: (singing) Me and my sausage...sausage and me...