Classic MST: "Jailbait" by Ikkun

In the not-too distant future,

Somewhere on the Internet,

Lurked a crazy rambling author

no one could just quite forget,

Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made

Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,

They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,

So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space

We’ll send him crappy fanfics,

The worst we can find, (la la la!)

He’ll have to sit and read them all

And we’ll monitor his mind

Now keep in mind he can’t control

When the fics begin or end

He’ll try to keep his sanity

With the help of his character friends:

Random Roll Call!

Pictograph Guy! “Nobody puts Baby in a corner!”

Rauru! “Dude, where’s my sandwich?”

Zelda! “Wabbit season!”

Link! “Vote early and often!”

If you don’t get how he stays alive

Or other technicalities,

Just bear in mind that I don’t care

So don’t bother asking, please

On Random Silly Theater 3000!

***

>>It’s the kid with the fairy again.

Link: Mido? Yeah, I am SO sick of him.

>>I’ve watched him walk past my station several times already, green tunic swishing around his legs and the tip of his hat swaying side to side when he walked.

           

DED: Hm. I’m detecting innuendo here.

Zelda: Oh yeah, baby, sway that hat...

DED: Hey, it’s in the first person. So it’s going to be like we’re seeing HAWT SECKZ through someone’s very eyes.

Link: Which is as close as you’re ever going to get. ZING!

DED: Zing zing. (punches Link)

Rauru: Hey! Punches don’t go “zing!”

>>A small fairy followed him wherever he went,

DED: “Or...no, wait, I’ve been dropping acid for the past fifteen hours. There might not be a fairy.”

>>so I assumed that he was one of the forest children that I’ve always heard about.

Rauru: You can’t just ASSUME that!

Zelda: Yeah, I mean, Discount Fairy Warehouse is having a sale.

>>Goddesses, how old was this kid? He doesn’t look a day over thirteen.

DED: He looks TWO days over thirteen!

Link: Only thirteen? In THIS kind of story? RUN, LITTLE BOY! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

>>If it weren’t for his eyes, I would have thought he was just a normal kid.

Rauru: What? What’s wrong with his eyes?

>>He asked me for directions, once, to get to the Great Bay Coast. I almost didn’t let him out at first, as the area is now infested with monsters,

Zelda: How DOES that happen, anyway? Where do the monsters come from? Why are they there?

DED: I mean, it doesn’t seem like a viable ecosystem. What do monsters eat?

>>or so I hear. He’s got a sword, and from what I hear from that trainer in the swordsmen school, he can use it like nobody’s business.

Rauru: But if it’s not your business, how do you know how he uses it?

>>Don’t know if the monsters are particularly threatening. I haven’t gotten a chance to leave the town recently, I’m always stuck standing here.

DED: New policy: All town guardsmen must be glued to the floor.

>>Wretched job. I have to inhale abnormal amounts of coffee just to stay awake through my shift.

Rauru: Oh, yeah. Don’t get me started on inhaling abnormal amounts of stuff. It’s like, when I breathe in, I breathe in cheeseburgers.

>>Bam, there go all normal thought processes.

Zelda: Well, all thought processes, anyway.

>>Where was I? Oh yes, the boy. His eyes didn’t match the rest of his body.

Link: Oh, so my eyes aren’t as buff and handsome as the rest of me? You kidding? Watch THIS! (bulges eyes out)

DED: Eww. That is NOT buff and handsome. That’s...sick and twisted.

>>While from a distance, he looked young, his eyes showed wisdom beyond his years.

Zelda: Yeah, Link always had smart eyes. In sharp contrast to the state of his actual intellect.

Link: Yeah. My eyes have so much wisdom, there are like, mathematical theorems floatin’ around in them.

>>Could be a trick of the light, for all I know. Speaking of light, the lamps are being lit.

DED: All this and more, tonight at 10.

Rauru: Riveting. I’m so glad I’m reading this and not, say, Paradise Lost.

>>It was getting later than I expected.

Zelda: So...you expected it to not get late, for the sun to hover in the sky, for time itself to stop? You have some unrealistic expectations.

>>Good, maybe someone can take over my shift soon so I can go home and sleep.

Link: This guy lives a scintillating life.

>>Standing around doesn’t look like much of a strenuous job, but it’s tedious beyond imagination.

Zelda: The only thing comparable is...reading this story.

>>As much as I hate my job, somebody needs to do it. Can’t have children running outside the town and getting eaten by a wandering beast, can we?

Rauru: I don’t see why not.

DED: Yeah, next time you’re standing in line for a movie, ask yourself if we really need more people in the world anyway.

>>The Rosa sisters are at it again.

Zelda: Crazy motherfuckers...

>>One would think that with the carnival in a day, they would have their routine finished by now. Not that I’m complaining, of course.

Rauru: I LOVE interpretive dance!

>>They’ve chosen that spot to practice, and have been there every single night, at exactly the same time. From my vantage point, I can see each graceful movement as they continuously test out moves and immediately reject them.

DED: Actually, if I remember the game correctly, they just did the same thing. Over and over and over. For hours.

>>It’s a great view, especially because they seem to not believe in much clothing.

Zelda: So this story’s pairing is “random guard x Rosas?” It’s original, at least.

>>Hey, I stand here with nothing to do for most of the day; I need to get my kicks out of something.

Link: I mean, voyeurism is a legitimate outlet, right?

>>Shit. The kid is approaching the scantily clad dance duo.

Link: What? Did he put down some land mines or something?

>>Every person who has even ventured within five feet of the sisters gets a heavy verbal beating for interrupting their concentration. Stupid kid, doesn’t he want to live?

DED: I can see why he’s so attracted to those murderous psychotic identical twins.

>>I’m about to warn him, but he pulls out a strange, grayish mask from Goddess knows where.

Zelda: Where DO you keep your stuff?

Link: I am sworn to secrecy. I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you.

>>He fits it on his face and stops in front of the Rosa sisters. Expecting a harsh shriek and obscene curses, I nearly fall to the ground when I see both sisters watching the young boy in fascinated silence.

DED: Hey! Where’s the shrieking and curses?

>>He spreads his legs shoulder-length apart. A deep breath is taken in before his whole body is taken by the intricate dance.

Rauru: He’s a manic, MAAAAAANIAC on the floor!

DED: And he’s dancing like he’s never danced before!

Link: And I haven’t!

>>His lithe body bends and twists, giving itself into the motions.

Zelda: And yet, it still looks ridiculous.

>>His arms sway to the beat of a melody only he can hear,

Rauru: A lot of schizophrenics have that problem.

>>as if he were a God molding the life of his worshippers.

Link: Or just a guy flailing his limbs like a retard.

>>He spins once, air resistance lifting the ends of his tunic up a few inches. I see a flash of creamy pale skin, and I stop myself from drooling all over myself.

Zelda: Oh, so he’s...aw, MAN! Not with cute little Link!

Link: I’m shocked! Absolutely shocked!

>>My jaw nearly hits the ground when the sisters applaud him and give him a small reward for teaching them the dance. They practice immediately, though they look nowhere as sensual as the boy was.

Rauru: If by “sensual” you mean “moronic,” I wholeheartedly agree.

>>The movements were more jerky, and about as graceful as a decapitated swan.

DED: Speaking from experience here.

Zelda: (as a boss) “So you want to be a guard. Do you have any previous work experience?”

Link: (as the guard) “Let me put it this way. How much do you hate swans? A little? A lot?”

>>I’m no dance connoisseur,

Rauru: Dance...connoisseur? Can I get a WTF?

Link: I’M a dance connoisseur.

Zelda: No you’re not.

Link: Is a connoisseur what I think it is?

Zelda: No.

Link: Whatever. I’m probably one anyway.

>>but the Rosa sisters can’t compare to that earlier performance.

“Hey, your shift’s up. I’m taking over.”

DED: “The world will be MINE! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

>>The voice jolts me out of my thoughts. Thank the Goddesses. I leave my assigned post, hoping to catch one last glimpse of the boy, maybe even get his name. I found him sitting on a wooden bench, rearranging his hat to be a pillow.

Link: How does one manage THAT?

DED: I guess you’d fill it with fluff and then sew the hole off.

Zelda: The word choice is kind of strange. Like, he could be “using” his hat as a pillow, or even “resting his head on his hat,” but the author has to say he’s rearranging it to be a pillow? Is this some kind of black magic here?

>>Was he crazy?

Link: Yes, but for unrelated reasons.

>>There’s an inn across town and he wants to sleep on a bench?

Zelda: Granted, the bench is actually better than the inn...

>>Not to mention the thief that all the guards have been talking about lately.

DED: EVERYONE’s been talking about him.

Rauru: He’s the new flavor of the month!

>>“Hey kid, what do you think you’re doing?”

Link: “I’m sleeping on a bench. Doesn’t everyone?”

>>I ask. He looks up at me with a startled expression on his face.

I sigh.

“There is an inn on the other side of town. There’s no reason for you to be sleeping out here.”

DED: Au contraire, gay pedophile, there’s EVERY reason for him to be sleeping out there!

>>Shaking his head, he says, “The inn has no more vacancies. Besides, I’ve slept on worse.”

Link: Yeah, like that one time? When I passed out on Zelda’s kitchen floor? That was worse.

Zelda: I don’t think sleeping and passing out are the same thing.

>>“Well, you can come home with me, if you’d like.

DED: You know, back to Neverland Ranch.

>>My roommate is on watch until tomorrow morning, so there’s an extra bed.”

All: NOOOOOOOO!

Rauru: Don’t do it!

>>“I don’t want to intrude.”

Link: (as the guard, perverted) “Oh, but I want to intrude...”

>>“It’s no problem ” I flash him my most friendly smile.

Rauru: If it’s anywhere near as bad as Zelda’s friendliest smile, then it’s not very friendly.

Zelda: (makes a hideous scowling grimace) What? This is the best I can do since after the face-lift.

>>“We usually have three or four of us in a room, but I just got promoted to a double. Besides, it’ll be nice to have someone to talk to for a change.”

“If you’re sure it’s okay,” he finally says, the corners of his lips curling into a faint grin.

DED: Like the Grinch. Remember that? In the movie?

>>“It’s no problem. In exchange, I’d like to know your name.”

“Link.”

Zelda: “No, no, your NAME. Not what you want for breakfast.”

Rauru: Oh, I’ll have blueberry pancakes and Belgian waffles and some sausages and poached eggs and bacon rashers and some English muffins and a bowl or two of Cocoa Puffs and some French toast and...

DED: It goes on and on like this. Seriously, like for about five minutes.

>>“I’m Shiro.”

“Hn, I knew someone named Shiro. Met him in Ikana.”

“What are you doing in a place like Ikana? Place is haunted, people say.”

Zelda: This dialogue sounds like the dialogue in one of those old gangster movies.

DED: We’regonnatalkrealfast, shee, andwe’regonnapullaheist, thebigheist, shee...nyeah...

>>“I was… looking for someone.”

I nod. There are some things that people won’t talk about,

Zelda: Like Link and his item storage area.

Link: Look, you don’t need to know!

>>and thankfully I can tell when to change the subject.

Zelda: Fortunately, I can’t. Where do you keep your stuff?

Link: I don’t want to talk about it!

Zelda: Okay, okay, but...wheredoyoukeepyourstuff?

Link: I can’t say!

Zelda: All right then, but... wheredoyoukeepyourstuff?

Link: Stop it!

Zelda: Okay, I’m sorry for wheredoyoukeepyourstuff?

Link: I’M NOT TELLING YOU!

Zelda: Okay then, I’ll have to ask you in your sleep so you’ll subconsciously tell me!

Link: GAAH! I’m never sleeping again!

>>I lead him to a small apartment structure behind West Clock Town. Two flights of stairs and one hallway later,

Rauru: To grandmother’s house we go...

>>I open the door to my humble abode. The room is fairly clean, save a few books strewn about the table and a few shirts hanging off the back of a chair.

DED: The odd giant rat, the occasional wall missing, but other than that everything’s ship-shape.

>>I set out some bread and cheese on a table and invite him to join me. We talk over our food, and he surprises me with every other sentence that comes out of my mouth.

Link: “So anyway, I enjoy golf. BOO! I also like to take walks in the park. BOO!”

>>Turns out he’s from Hyrule, a place I’ve only read about in books. I envy him, somewhat.

Zelda: Dude, he sleeps on a bench. What is there to envy?

>>Being able to travel all over the world has been my dream. Alas, I’m doomed to be in this town forever.

All: (singing) Cuz that’s the way we live!

DED: That’s the way you’re programmed.

>>After we finish, I stand up to clear the table.

“You must be exhausted.

Zelda: You know, all that sitting and eating and talking...

Rauru: Hey, man, that stuff IS exhausting.

>>There’s a bathing room down the hall, there. Go bathe, and I’ll clean up here.”

Link: Or you could run. Run far and fast.

DED: Um, yeah, okay, thirty-year-old man I just met, I’ll strip naked and use the shower here in this unfamiliar house.

>>When he stands up to leave, I can’t help but admire his ass.

Zelda: Link, I don’t know if I’ve told you recently, but I really admire your ass. I mean, all the good things it’s done for humanity...

Link: Why thank you. I admire your ass as well.

>>~*~

I didn’t think that anything could heighten my attraction for him.

DED: So wait, first he was delighting in the fact that the women weren’t wearing much clothing, next he’s infatuated with a little boy? This guy is all over the place.

Zelda: Two-way street we’re looking at here.

Link: Like an ace, he goes both ways.

Rauru: Straight but not narrow.

DED: Okay, enough bisexual jokes.

>>When he returned, hair wet and face flushed from the hot water, I almost couldn’t take my eyes off of him.

Zelda: I have a solution to that problem, and it involves huge needles or maybe lasers.

>>I hand him a set of clean clothes and motion towards the couch.

Rauru: “Well, might as well get this over with...oh, you’re going to need those.”

>>“These might be a little big for you, but it’s better than sleeping in your dirty clothes.

DED: Um, okay, thirty-year-old possibly diseased man I just met, I’ll put on your old clothes.

>>Make yourself comfortable. I’m going to bathe, also,

Link: No...way.

>>so help yourself to any reading material that catches your eye.”

He nods. I bolt towards the bathing room before I drool over myself.

Zelda: Ah, the loves of a gay retard.

>>When I return to the living room, I find him engrossed in a book of Hylian Lore.

DED: Ooh, the strategy guide.

>>His fairy is perched on the back of the sofa, seemingly asleep.

Link: She’s plastered.

>>The once radiant light has toned down to a faint glow, and I wouldn’t have noticed if it weren’t for the lack of proper lighting in the room.

DED: Okay, I’ll just sit here in the darkness in this strange house I’ve never been in before and read this guy’s books while he’s showering...

Zelda: We get it, Dave.

>>Link must have blown out most of the candles.

“You’re going to ruin your eyes like that,” I say.

Rauru: “And if that doesn’t...I will.”

>>He jumps;

Link: So he actually stands up and then jumps? Why?

>>apparently he didn’t realize I had come back so soon.

“I didn’t want to wake Tatl up,” he replies, almost whispering.

DED: Oh, come on, you don’t owe that bitch no favors.

>>“Oh, sorry. Are you tired?”

He shakes his head.

“Let’s go talk in my room.

DED: Okay, strange man I just met, I’ll leave my only protection asleep in another room and follow you alone into your bedroom. To talk.

>>Walls are pretty thick,

Zelda: YOU are pretty thick. Speaking of which, Link, would you like a glass of warm milk?

Link: _WOULD_ I? Y...wait, you’re trying to get me to fall asleep!

>>so we won’t disturb her from in there.”

He hops off the couch and follows me down the hallway.

Rauru: Dead man walkin’ the green mile!

DED: And, like a prison, there’s going to be sodomy involved.

>>The candle in my hand flickers and casts uneven shadows on the walls. I somehow feel I’m leading the boy to his doom,

DED: Oh, but you are. You really really are.

>>but quickly push that thought out of my head.

The cool metal of the doorknob calmed me slightly.

Zelda: So...doorknobs sedate him?

Link: Yeah, I mean, doorknobs sedate ME...doorknobs, car keys, lampshades, cable spools, the letter R, contact lenses, baseball bats...all of ‘em, BAM! I’m out like a light.

Zelda: Oh. (produces a doorknob from God knows where) So Link, would you rrrreally rrrreally rrrrrrrrrrreally like a doorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrknob? R? R dee R R?

Link: Lay it on me, sister! (takes doorknob) No...wait...doorknob...overpowering...me...must...stay...awake...can’t...reveal...secrets!

>>I drew as much of the coldness as I could into my body, in an effort to quell the heat that was coursing through my veins.

DED: So he’s walking along, comes to a door, puts his hand on the knob, and then spends like three minutes standing there concentrating, his knuckles white, sweat dripping from his brow, face contorted with effort?

>>Link had already taken a seat on the bed, his legs swinging off the side. Afraid I would be unable to control myself,

Rauru: So, the attraction here is based on adorableness?

Zelda: I guess, but...

Rauru: THAT’S my problem! (puts on a sailor outfit and takes out a huge lollypop) Is this better?

DED: Is the remake of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” better?

Rauru: Oh, come on! I’m adorable!

Zelda: You’re grotesque!

Link: Zzz...muh...hmuhh...pot...potholders...

>>I sat down in a large oak chair opposite the bed. The armrests were finely sanded and smooth to the touch.

DED: Long, smooth, meaty.

>>“Did you make that?” A small voice asks.

Zelda: “Because that’s disgusting. Bad dog. Bad, bad dog!”

DED: What? That’s ridiculous! Why would you assume a piece of furniture is made by the person owning it?

Rauru: “So, Dave, did you make this theatre?”

DED: Exactly!

>>I shake my head, not looking up.

“A friend did. We both signed up for military duty together.

DED: Oh, here we go.

Rauru: Settle in.

>>He went on the join the army, I stayed as a guard in town. His unit was sent to Ikana to quell the uprising of undead.

DED: (as Link) “Look, I was just trying to break the ice, I didn’t ask for your freakin’ life story!”

>>Only a few made it back alive,” I trail off, not wanting to continue.

Zelda: (as Link) “Uh huh, that’s great. Are you going to answer EVERY question I ask with an irrelevant, depressing anecdote?”

>>Losing a childhood is bad enough, but losing one because you were too much of a coward to fight alongside him?

Rauru: Huh. His childhood was a “he.”

>>That’s hard.

DED: Hard, smooth, long, bulging...

Zelda: Okay, okay, okay, that’s enough.

>>“I’m sorry,” he says.

“Don’t worry about it, there’s nothing you could have done,”

Rauru: Um, yeah, he wasn’t born yet.

>>I laugh and wave it off.

Link: Ha HA! Horrible dismemberment. Anyway, where were we?

>>He bites his lip as if he were thinking about whether or not to say something. A few seconds of silence pass. He traces invisible patterns on my sheets,

Zelda: Oh! Link’s fingers are like those invisible ink Magic Markers where you have to draw over it with a second marker to make it visible!

Link: I wish. (yawns)

>>and I continue to run my fingers on the heavy wood of the chair.
“It’s probably not the same, but I also lost a friend. That’s who I’m looking for right now.”

DED: “Yeah, so BOTH our lives suck. Thanks, that made my day.”

>>“Any luck?”

He shakes his head.

“What about your parents? Do they know where you are right now?”

“My mother died when I was a baby. I never knew my father.”

Rauru: What a great conversation they’re having.

Zelda: “So, hi, nice to meet you. Have you had any deaths in the family?”

>>“Then who raised you?”

“A giant talking tree,” he smirks.

DED: Huh. There’s...that...w...damn it, there’s something funny I should say, but I can’t get it.

>>“Oh, really? I’d like to meet him some day.”

The smirk leaves his face, “He’s not alive any more.”

Zelda: Yay! Another old wound opened! Bring the salt!

>>Great. How many times have I tumbled into the wrong subject tonight?

DED: “How many times have I back-flipped into the wrong subject tonight? How many times have I triple axled into the wrong subject? How many 540 indy nosegrabs...”

Link: (dropping the doorknob with a clunk) Gah! I’m awake! What did I say what did I say?

Zelda: Nothing, sadly.

Rauru: Well, nothing...intelligible, anyway.

>>I stand up and walk closer to the bed, until I could almost feel his body against mine. I bend down and envelope his small body

Zelda: He put Link in an envelope? Man, he IS small.

Link: Hey, what’s the difference between Ikana guards and acne?

DED: What?

Link: Acne waits ‘til you’re thirteen to come all over your face.

DED: DUDE! SICK!

>>into a hug. Shit, what am I doing?

Rauru: Yeah, what ARE you doing?

Link: Looks like you’re hugging a ten-year-old boy you just met.

>>I’m about to pull away from him when I suddenly find my lips on his.

Zelda: So THAT’s where I left them! I’ve been looking for them EVERYWHERE!

>>I shouldn’t be doing this, to a kid half my age, no less.

DED: Say what you will, but at least this guy knows right from wrong.

Rauru: Yeah, but the problem lies with which one of those he’s choosing to do.

>>I’m expecting to be pushed away or stabbed with that beauty of a sword he carries around,

Link: So...love for me has outweighed fear of painful death? I mean, he EXPECTED to get stabbed.

>>but I’m more surprised when he does nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Zelda: Maybe he’s dead.

DED: Oh, man, that would make this whole mess REALLY creepy.

>>I lean in close enough that our lips almost touch, giving him fair warning to back out if he wanted to. He’s frozen in place, eyes wide in surprise.

Link: Can’t...move...paralyzed...must...reach...utility...belt...

>>Placing a hand softly on his chest, I slowly ease him backwards onto the bed.

DED: SHOVE! Stiff-armed.

>>I forget everything else; the only thing that exists are those soft, pink lips.

Zelda: Remind me to never live in THAT universe.

>>I reach in to lick the lower lip,

DED: Okay, I don’t know the first thing about sex, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t involve licking people’s lips.

>>then capturing his whole mouth in a searing kiss.

Rauru: Uh oh, the friction ignited his gasoline lip gloss.

>>Still, he doesn’t move.

Zelda: Still...not...moving.

DED: This is bad news. Maybe you should take a pulse.

>>Panic starts to kick in,

Link: Oh shit oh shit oh shit, I killed the little boy...

>>but fades away as I feel him open his mouth up to me. His heartbeat under my hand starts to quicken, and his life force within my grasp only serves to turn me on more.

Zelda: So what we’re seeing here is that he’s turned on by anything with a pulse?

DED: Dude, life force within his grasp? Who is this guy, Sauron?

Link: Your soul is mine!

>>The kiss breaks, and he’s looking back up at me again. Eyes that were once battle-hardened and full of wisdom are now filled with uncertainty and fear.

Zelda: So fighting the evil of the world instills no fear in him, but facing this pedophile does?

Link: Shit, it scares ME...

>>From what he’s told me so far, I doubt he’s been held in a long time, probably not since childhood.

Rauru: Well, except by a giant tree.

DED: Since childhood? You’re calling ten years old not “childhood?”

>>Now, he’s searching for probably the only friend he has left. I hold him tighter.

Rauru: Hey, what makes him think he can be Link’s new best friend? All they did was talk about personal tragedy.

DED: That’s not what friendships are made of.

>>I suddenly realize that his arm are thrown around my neck and is now clinging on for dear life.

Zelda: Um, wait, what does he have to be afraid of OTHER than this bizarre pervert?

>>His body trembles slightly against mine, and his breaths are ragged.

Link: Somehow, this isn’t the reaction I expected.

>>I lean down to kiss his forehead, then his left cheek, the corner of his mouth, his ear, and down to his neck.

Rauru: Wow, that is totally random.

Zelda: Like, I sorta understand the forehead, but how is it affectionate to kiss someone’s ear?

>>I begin to gently suck on the soft flesh at the juncture of his neck.

DED: He’s gay, he’s a pedophile, AND he’s a vampire. Quite a package there. 

>>The taste of his skin is intoxicating,

Link: “Yeah man, I just scored some primo skin, we are gonna get FUCKED UP!”

Rauru: Link bathes in high-grain alcohol.

>>and the smell of his hair sends my mind into whorls of pleasure.

Zelda: Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific!

DED: How can Link wash his hair? It’s all under his hat!

Link: Not all of it. The exposed parts must always look beautiful.

>>Turning my head slightly, I nibble at his earlobe.

Rauru: We have slipped the surly bonds of making any damn sense and touched the face of God.

>>His arms grip me harder as he arches up off the bed. I feel his erection through the thin cloth of loose pants, and rub against him experimentally with my hip.

DED: (nerdy voice) The test subject (Link) responds positively to hipular stimulation of the groin, while the control group (someone with a grain of common sense) flees as fast as possible.

>>He whimpers and clutches me harder still.

Zelda: He’s kinda taking liberties by interpreting whimpering and white-knuckled clutching as signs of consent.

>>I angle our hips so our erections are grinding against each other. I snake one hand

DED: Snake? SNAKE? SNAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!

>>under the hem of his shirt and tease his nipple.

All: NIPPLE’S GOT A COWLICK! NIPPLE’S GOT A COWLICK! NANNY NANNY BOO BOO!

 
>>Link doesn’t last long under the attention.

Zelda: He doesn’t stand a chance...

>>His body stiffens, and he goes limp.

Rauru: “Oh God, I killed him again.”

>>He blushes.

Link: Then turns white. Very white. And cold.

>>I’m surprised; I don’t think I’ve ever seen anybody turn that shade of red before.

DED: It is cosmic shade of red from beyond the universe that takes five eyes to see and ten brains to comprehend.

>>“I’m sorry,” he hurriedly says.

Link: What the hell does HE have to be sorry about?

>>“It’s okay, I was the one who---”

Zelda: Yes? The one who what? The one who picked up a little boy off the streets, took him home, and started kissing and hugging and stroking him off? Yes, you WERE the one who did that.

>>“No. I mean… I mean about your pants.”

Rauru: “Because OH! Those colors! That pattern! Just awful! We have GOT to get you to JC Penny.”

>>He gestures downward, where a wet spot had formed.

“I guess I’ll have to clean that up, then.” I flash him a feral grin and pull his pants off in one fluid motion.

Link: Um, so, I guess he’s going to use MY pants to, um, clean, uh, HIS pants.

>>If possible, his face turns an even darker shade of red.

DED: This is probably not the reaction you’re going for.

>>I dip my head and catch a stray drop of semen on his thigh. I give his penis a lick, from the base to the head.

Rauru: Man, it’s so casual.

>>Link gulps visibly, but doesn’t make any move to stop me.

DED: Not like he COULD stop you...

>>I wasn’t sure what I was doing, but it wasn’t like rocket science or anything.

Zelda: Hey, I’ll have you know that blowjobs take years of intense training to do right.

Link: Um, you’re saying you took years of intense training for that?

Zelda: And did you know that blowjobs were invented in 6^th-century BC India and soon spread across the world?

Link: Um...

Zelda: And that in Japan, blowjobs became a sacred ceremony involving tea pouring and delicate calligraphy?

Link: Zelda, stop, you’re scaring me now.

>>I take the head of his dick into my mouth and suck gently. Link shivers, and twines his fingers into my hair. I take more of him into my mouth,

Rauru: Well, I guess TECHNICALLY you’re taking more “of him” into your mouth, although really it’s just a small dangly piece of his anatomy...

>>and he hardens against my tongue.

Pretty impressive, kid.

Zelda: That he hasn’t stabbed you to death yet? Yeah, I can’t believe it either.

>>Link twists under me, trying hard not to make any noise. After several more licks and nibbles,

Link: For the record, Zelda, please don’t ever nibble on my penis.

Zelda: Oh, of course. That’s the kind of stuff they teach you at Blowjob School.

>>I pull away from him. He whimpers at the loss of contact, and I place a finger to his lips.

Rauru: Quiet, or they’ll hear us!

>>“Shh, it’s going to get better.”

DED: Oh, I doubt it.

>>Quickly, I remove any and all clothing from the both of us.

Zelda: “All right, hand over your clothes! All of them! I saw you trying to hide that sock!”

>>Link watches as I pull open a drawer from the bedside stand and my fingers locate a bottle of hand lotion. I uncork the bottle and pour some onto my hands.

DED: So he’s going to use that to...oh GOD! That’s HORRIBLE!

Rauru: What? He just wants smooth, moisturized hands.

Link: Either that, or he keeps lotion around for this very purpose.

>>The glass bottle makes a clinking sound when I put it back on the stand. I use one arm to spread his legs, and another to spread a copious amount of lotion onto my fingers.

Zelda: (as Tatl) “Oh, wow, I must have just dozed off there, how’s everything LinAAAAAAAHHHH!”

>>I slowly insert one into his anus.

DED: Blunt.

>>Link, obviously unaccustomed to the feeling,

Link: Oh, what, do you think this has happened before?

>>clenches up and screws his eyes shut. I kiss his eyelids.

Rauru: Again with the crazy random kissing! Oy vey!

>>“Relax, I won’t hurt you.”

DED: Too late. Oh, maybe not physically hurt, but...

>>He makes an effort to loosen up his muscles, but the overwhelming tightness against my fingers shows that he’s nowhere near ready.

Link: I don’t know if I’d ever be ready.

>>I slide a second finger in, scissoring and crooking as I see fit.

Zelda: Judging by your previous actions, I’d have to say that “what you see fit” is pretty fucking gross.

>>A sheen of sweat covers Links’ body, and his cheeks are still flushed.

DED: Did you expect something else?

>>I push my fingers in deeper and feel a spot within him.

Rauru: Oh, this whole thing was just an innocent, well-intentioned prostate exam. In that case, proceed.

>>I push at it experimentally, and Link arches off the bed with a loud moan. Note to self, do that again.

Link: That’s going to be one sticky note he writes.

Zelda: Eww.

>>I remove my fingers and pour more lotion onto my hands. Desperate now, I quickly slather it onto my own penis,

DED: Something just occurred to me. Who would buy large amounts of Astroglide? Why would you need more than one application at a time? Do they only sell it in one-dose tubes or could you buy an economy size one to keep for months?

Zelda: You’re thinking about this a little too much.

>>shivering at the low temperature now that my body is so hot. With a knee hooked over each arm,

Rauru: To prevent any possible escape. Not criticizing, just pointing out.

>>I position him so his ass is up in the air.

DED: Wait, hold on. I’m trying to picture what that would look like, with the knees over the arms and the OH MY GOD.

>>“Please…” he pants.

Zelda (as Link): “Please...st-”

Link (as the guard): “-Stuff you with my cock? Sure!”

Zelda: “No...d-”

Link: “-Dominate you and rape your ass? Absolutely!”

Zelda: “No, I don’t want you to-”

Link: “Use a condom? Of course not!”

>>I push into him, and it takes every fiber of self-control not to slam myself in.

Rauru: Oh yeah, the push vs. slam debate.

>>Link screws his eyes shut and whimpers.

DED: Man, this guy sure knows how to please.

Link: That’s preposterous. Everyone knows I go with a bang, not a whimper.

>>“Shh, open your eyes and look at me. It’ll get better, I promise. Just relax.”

Zelda: “So...that candy you told me you’d give me...that comes AFTER this, or what?”

>>I ease myself in more, watching his face for signs of pain.

DED: Ignoring them when I see them, of course.

>>When he pushes back against me, I start a slow, rocking motion.

Link: Then to a seriously rockin’ motion, then finally to a full-blown rockin’ the fuckin’ house.

>>After a few tentative thrusts, we fall into a steady rhythm. Seconds seem like minutes seem like hours seem like days.

Rauru: So seconds are days? That’s good, they’ll probably die of old age before they climax.

>>I lose myself in the whorls of pleasure and just follow the pattern Link sets.

Zelda: Shame on you, Link.

>>There are no scented candles, romantic music, or whispered words of affection, just Link twisting and bucking beneath me.

Rauru: Hey, man, whatever gets you through the day. Except that. That’s disgusting.

>>Nothing else exists. Just Link, and the erotic little noises he makes.

DED: Um, right.

Link: No, this part’s true. I do make erotic noises.

DED: Do some.

Link: Lessee here…schweeaw....beeowp...hwarrrggnn...

Zelda: Oh God Link, I want you so bad right now!

>>Ahem.

DED: Throat getting a little dry? Maybe you’d like some semen to wet it, you fucking pervert! Christ!

>>Link comes first.

Zelda: Ha. Link ALWAYS comes first.

Link: Really? Sweet! Get me a BLT on rye, whore!

Zelda: You just don’t get it, do you?

>>His body arches up against mine and his muscles become taut. The tight pressure squeezes my own climax out of me.

Rauru: It’s at this point that we all just start to lose it. Dementia sets in.

>>I collapse next to him, careful not to fall on top of the boy.

DED: Yeah, that’d be bad considering you twice his fucking size, you fucking psychopath!

>>Neither of us speak as if by some unspoken agreement, careful not to destroy the serene atmosphere.

Link: Yeah, sure, it’ll take decades before I learn to trust again, but other than that everything’s peachy.

>>I reach over and pull him towards me, his back against my chest.

DED: ARG, THEY’RE SPOONING NOW! GOD MAKE IT STOP!

>>The blanket, now on the floor, is shaken off and used to cover the both of us. I rest my chin on his shoulder, and inhale the scent of his hair.

Rauru: Right ‘bout now I could really go for some chitterlings.

Zelda: Dude, do you know what those are?

Rauru: Of course I do.

Link: He’s probably the last person on earth who eats them.

>>The rise and fall of his chest mirrors mine. Moving my hand over his chest, I feel the steady beating of his heart.

DED: “I decide to let this one live, if only to enjoy his writhing as I sodomize him the next time.”

>>Like two spoons, we fit perfectly against each other.

Rauru: Oh, so THAT’s why they call it spoon hugging! It makes sense now!

Link: How did you not figure that out?

Rauru: Well, with me, it’d be more like watermelon-and-spoon hugging.

Zelda: Gross. Just gross.

DED: So why don’t they call it fork hugging? Forks do the same thing.

Link: I don’t know.

DED: What about stackable cup hugging? It’s all so confusing.

>>I lock my arms around his waist, entranced by the feel of his naked skin against mine.

“Good night,” I whisper, already falling asleep.

Link: “Oh, and if you tell ANYONE about this you’re DEAD. DEAD, do you hear me? DEAD!”

>>“Good bye,” he whispers back, sounding almost wistful.

Passing it off as a slip of the tongue, I don’t correct him.

DED: PHEW! Thank God THAT’s over.

Link: That was the sickest story ever.

Rauru: That’s not the sickest story ever. THIS is the sickest story ever.

Zelda: Rauru, don’t...

Rauru: One time, this guy had the flu, pneumonia, the bubonic plague, scarlet fever, cholera, dysentery, AIDS, cancer, Parkinson’s, AND a cold, AT THE SAME TIME. Now THAT’s sick.