Classic MST: "“Inamorato” by Mazoku85

In the not-too distant future,

Somewhere on the Internet,

Lurked a crazy rambling author

no one could just quite forget,

Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made

Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,

They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,

So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space

We’ll send him crappy fanfics,

The worst we can find, (la la la!)

He’ll have to sit and read them all

And we’ll monitor his mind

Now keep in mind he can’t control

When the fics begin or end

He’ll try to keep his sanity

With the help of his character friends:

Random Roll Call!

Pictograph Guy! “What is love? Baby don’t hurt me!”

Rauru! “Move, bitch! Get out the cake!”

Zelda! “I played with your heart, got lost in the game!”

Link! “A tournament, a tournament, a tournament of lies!”

If you don’t get how he stays alive                

Or other technicalities,

Just bear in mind that I don’t care

So don’t bother asking, please

On Random Silly Theater 3000!

>>Link stood in the doorway

DED: ...I heard the mission bell, and I was thinkin’ to myself, this could be heaven or this could be hell...

Zelda: Oh, God, stop, it’s too early in the morning for your singing.

Link: It’s three-thirty in the afternoon.

Zelda: Wh...fuck, man, why didn’t anyone wake me up earlier?

Rauru: You would have yelled at us. And thrown things.

Zelda: Probably, yes.

>>of Shad’s home,

Link: Quick refresher, who the fuck is Shad?

DED: Shouldn’t you know these things?

Link: I can’t keep every single bit character from every game I’ve ever been in filed away in my brain!

Zelda: Yes, and you’re clearly putting your vast intellect to much BETTER use...

Link: Exactly! How could I have ever thought up my tortoise-powered perpetual motion machine if I were frittering away valuable neurons remembering who Shad is?

DED: Anyway, I think Shad is one of the guys from Twilight Princess who helps you. He’s, like, an archaeologist or something.

Rauru: Shad is also a kind of fish.

Zelda: Thanks for that, Rauru. I was driving myself insane wondering if that was true, and now I know it is.

>>awe struck with his gaping eyes

Rauru: Okay, so this guy Awe, whoever that is, has just struck someone with what are being here described as his “gaping eyes.”

DED: Wow, this sure is action-packed!

>>wandering about the room.

Link: What can I say? I’m easily amused.

>>Never had he seen such an elaborate setting.

Zelda: In a sex fic like this? Yeah, this IS a pretty elaborate setting.

Rauru: I mean, a house, with rooms and doors and stuff? They’re not just fucking out in a field?

>>His eyes were taking in the high arched ceiling,

DED: ...the pink champagne on ice, and she said, “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device!” And in the m...

Zelda: Seriously, Dave, FUCK YOU FOREVER!

>>the shiny, expensive pottery

Link: Shiny AND expensive? How can I resist?

Zelda: I miss being able to have fragile objects in my house...

Link: Hey, Zelda, if I’m responsible with the expensive pottery in the story, will you forgive me for breaking all your expensive pottery IRL?

Zelda: Uh, sadly, things you do in fantasies don’t actually reflect the state of what you call RL.

DED: I mean, I don’t think Link and Shad are about to break all the pots in their bout of volcanic lovemaking.

Rauru: You think that’s the pairing?

DED: I can feel it.

>>and statues,

Zelda: And THAT’s not creepy or anything.

DED: “Oh, Link, let me introduce you to the other guests!”

Link: “But those are just...statues...”

DED: “Ho ho, such a joker, this one! Anyway, this is my wife Gwendolyn, and...”

>>and the wide windows draped with lavish velveteen.

Rauru: Velveteen? Fuckin’ velveteen? Why don’t you just take a shit on Monet’s Water Lilies, you ostentatious bastard!

>>“Well, come in,” Shad laughed.

Link: “Ha ha! Ha! HA! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!”

>>“Or would you rather stand there all night gawking?”

Zelda: Or would you rather smooch my pimply backside?

>>Link made his way over to the chesterfield sofa, taking a seat by his friend,

Rauru: “Wow, your house is huge, you must be fucking loaded...uh...buddy! Pal o’ mine!”

>>who was pouring himself a rather large glass of wine.

Zelda: He too must resort to booze when around Link.

Link: I know! It’s like there’s a party wherever I go!

>>He watched him pull off his plum colored coat and loosened the bow around his collar

Link: Oh my God, he’s SO GAY.

Rauru: It’s like, back up the Homo Truck, we’ve got a delivery.

Zelda: It’s like, let’s just jump head-first into the deep end of the Queer Lagoon.

DED: It’s like, we’re now making our final approach to Fag City, and we’d like to thank you for flying Gay Airlines, please return your tray tables to the rigid and engorged position.

Link: Uh, you kinda lost the plot there.

>>- as to make himself more comfortable, Link supposed.

DED: Ironically, the more of his clothes he takes off, the LESS comfortable it makes ME.

>>“Wine?”

Zelda: Oh, yes, he does. He whines all the fucking time.

Link (whiney) Nuh-uhhhh!

>>Shad offered, extending a full glass to him. “It’s quite good.”

Rauru: Eez verreh’neiz.

DED: Take me away, my friend booze!

>>“Thanks, but no thanks.”

Rauru: But he HAS thanks! Because Link SAID, “Thanks!” So there IS thanks!

>>Link objected politely. “I don’t drink much.”

Link: Or, perhaps, he doesn’t drink ENOUGH, n’est pas?

Zelda: You know, amazingly, I agree. When you kill your brain with alcohol it actually makes you smarter.

Link: Really? Wow. I was wondering how I got such good SAT scores the day after I had been out drinking at four in the morning.

>>Shad’s brow furrowed.

Rauru: That sounds painful.

DED: Not painful enough, unfortunately.

>>“Come now Link, you’re a guest in my house,

Rauru: MY HOUSE!

>>at least pretend to enjoy yourself.”

Zelda: Welcome to my life.

>>“Well…”

Link: “...I was SUPPOSED to be saving the Kingdom of Hyrule from the forces of darkness, but what the hell, sure, I’ll get trashed with you!”

>>Link hesitated for a moment, and then smiled. “…if you insist.”

Zelda: Link really will let himself be bossed around by pretty much anyone.

DED: Didn’t his teacher tell him anything about peer pressure?

>>“Splendid!”

Rauru: Exxxcellent...

>>Shad said, taking a long drink from his glass.

Link: Drunk video game characters: ALWAYS funny.

>>Not wanting to offend his gracious host,

Zelda: “You’re not going to get shit-faced drunk with me? OUTRAGE!”

>>Link slowly brought the flute to his lips

Rauru: WOOOO! “LOCOMOTIVE BREATH!!!”

DED: Not that kind of flute. I think.

Rauru: “AQUALUNG!”

>>and took a large gulp of the red liquid;

Link: Oh, man, this is going to end badly.

Zelda: Y’know, Link being pig-drunk would actually provide a real excuse for him to be having gay sex on a whim.

Rauru: Unlike other stories of this nature, where everyone is automatically queer until proven otherwise.

>>it was moderately tart but overall pleasant in flavor.

DED: It’s smooth and mild...and refreshingly addictive!

>>He sighed, reclining against some cushions, knocking back the remainder of his wine.

Rauru: “’NUTHER!”

>>“I thought you didn’t drink much?”

Link: “Not when I’M paying for it!”

>>“Only sometimes,” Link admitted with a smile and a wink.

DED: They’re so gay for each other.

Zelda: It’s cute...almost.

>>“I like to enjoy myself occasionally,

Link: Yeah, every now and then I like to TAKE A FUCKING BREAK! Geez!

>>and wine starts it off really well.”

Rauru: He’s, like, the classic alcoholic who won’t admit it.

>>“Ah,” Shad chuckled. “I knew there was a reason I liked you.”

Zelda: “Your death will be quick...”

>>“And what reason might that be?”

Link: You don’t need a reason. I understand. I’m just...that...awesome.

>>“Well, you enjoy good wine for one thing.”

DED: Wow. You know, I gotta hand it to them, this guy strikes me as being really, truly gay.

Rauru: Like, he’s not just gay because the idea of him and Link fucking gets the author hard. He’s actually, genuinely homosexual.

Zelda: It’s refreshing, in a way.

>>Shad began chuckling. “And you’re far better to look at than Auru.”

Link: Bitch, I’m the best looking person in this star sector.

>>Link stared at him.

Rauru: I CAN SEE FOREVER!

>>“I should certainly hope so.”

DED: “I mean...you have no idea...the atrocities I’ve committed to get these good looks...so much blood...”

>>“Oh yes,” Shad said

Zelda: It does all this, and more!

>>with a boyish grin on his lips. “And you probably have far better stories to tell.”

Link: Like this one time when I was trying to buy a jar of cashews but I had to choose between a large jar of cashews or an extra-large jar of cashews or a small jar of cashews or a name-brand jar of cashews or an off-brand jar of cashews or mixed cashews and peanuts or just straight cashews or salted cashews or unsalted cashews or whole cashews or crushed cashews or maybe even chocolate-covered cashews and there were so many choices that my head started spinning around and around and it felt like there were a hundred and fifty bees inside my brain and I stood there dazed in the cashew aisle for nine hours until the store closed and they kicked me out and I stumbled into the street unable to think due to cashew overload and I was run over by a taxi and I woke up in the hospital and...they served me CASHEWS!

Rauru: GAH!

DED: JESUS!

Zelda: Nice story, sweetie.

Link: Thanks!

DED: God, don’t tell me you ENJOYED that?

Zelda: I’ve become acclimated to it.

Rauru: Sweet mother of God, he doesn’t even BREATHE!

Zelda: I know. It’s sort of scary.

>>“That I do.”

Link: That you do...what?

>>Link smiled, as he rested his heel on his knee.

Zelda: *sigh*

DED: SAY...SOMETHING...INTERESTING!

>>“So tell me, how goes the hero’s life?”

Rauru: Oh, you know. Short, but delicious.

DED: ...Do you have a reason, or is that just standard idiocy?

Rauru: What? It’s true, a gyro’s life is short, but delicious.

Link: Ah ha. I see what you did there.

>>He leaned over and refilled Link’s empty glass.

Zelda: If he wants to get a coherent story out of Link, WHY is he giving him MORE booze?

>>“Regale me with your tales of adventure.”

Link: You mean like the time when I wanted to change a light bulb but I didn’t have a ladder so I went out to the garage and found a pair of skis that I used to...

DED: NOOOOOOOOO!!!

Rauru: WE HAVE TO KILL IT BEFORE IT SPREADS!

>>Shad stared fondly at him with those big bright, adoring eyes of his.

Zelda: His? Whose?

Link: DAMN YOU, PRONOOOOOOOOOUNS!!!

>>They possessed a certain boyish-charm

DED: ...and your i-Phones and your Play-Station-Portables and your milk-shakes and your grass-hoppers...

Zelda: God damnit, Dave. That joke was dead. IT WAS DEAD! BUT YOU’VE BROUGHT IT BACK!

DED: It cannot be killed, it is the undying!

Zelda: It’s OVER! IT WAS OVER NINE STORIES AGO!

DED: IT WILL NEVER DIE!!!

>>that Link found very attractive, or maybe it was just the wine talking.

Link: Oh, God, please tell me that I don’t become gay when I get drunk.

Rauru: Well...

Link: Well WHAT? WHAAAT?

Rauru: Oh, nothing.

Link: NO! IT’S NOT NOTHING! WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

Rauru: Nothing.

Link: AHHHH! AHHHH! AHHHH!

>>He pulled off his floppy green hat

Link: MY HAT IS _NOT_ FLOPPY! IT’S HARD AND STIFF AND VIRILE! SERIOUSLY!

Zelda: Oh. I guess you’re into that sort of thing, then.

Link: Yes! I mean NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

>>and ran his fingers through his hair,

DED: Hmm. You know, that’s something that homosexuals frequently do.

Link: NO IT’S NOT!

DED: So, Link, wouldn’t that make you a homosexual?

Link: WHY DO YOU MOCK ME SO?

>>deciding not to dwell on something so silly,

Zelda: Oh, God, if only.

>>and tried to think of a yarn he could spin for his friend.

Rauru: Try angora?

Zelda: Ha, ha, ha.

>>“Alright then,” Link began, taking a hefty swig from his glass.

Link: (drunk) “Wuttuz we talkin’ ‘bout? *hic*”

>>“What would you say if I told you I sumo-wrestled with the leader of the Gorons and won.”

DED: “I’d say you’re a filthy fucking liar, and I’d hit you with the nearest convenient object.”

Zelda: “Oh, God, not the lamp!” CRASH!

>>Shad’s eyes widened with amazement.

Rauru: Jesus Smurfing Christ!

>>“I would say that Gorons outweigh Hylians at least by a couple hundred pounds.

Link: “I...don’t know WHY I would say that...seems kind of irrelevant...buuuuut...”

>>How did you manage such a victory?”

DED: FLAWLESS VICTORY!

>>“It wasn’t easy and I was rather tired,

Zelda: Oh, boo-fucking-hoo, geez!

Link: C’mon, man! I’d been up all night!

>>what with having to practically climb to the top of Death Mountain and all.”

Rauru: “You know. You stupid, mountain-climbing-fatigue-underestimating BASTARD!”

>>Link explained. “Not to mention coming to blows with some angry Gorons along the way.”

DED: Wow, what a smug little asshole he is.

Link: Please, please, don’t say the words “little asshole” in this story again.

>>“Sounds dangerous,” Shad remarked, finishing off his wine.

Zelda: “Dangerous? DANGEROUS? I BROKE FIVE FUCKING RIBS!”

Rauru: “Yep, sounds very exciting.”

>>“You country boys really don’t know the meaning of fear.”

Link: “Nope, we’s too dumb. Dumb as hell.”

>>“It wasn’t all that dangerous.” Link laughed in amusement.

DED: “Ha HA! Multiple concussions. Anyway...”

>>“Now the mines, that was dangerous.”

Zelda: Charlie were everywhere, behind every tree, in every bush. Every few days a sniper would grease one of us. We never knew who was next. I tell you...once you’ve been to the Mines...you’ve been to hell. And son, it was the devil’s birthday, and he was eating a big bowl of...

DED: Thaaaat’s enough now.

>>“You mean you’ve actually been in the Goron Mines?”

Link: (drunk) “Yeh callin’ me a liar? C’mere, ull punch yer fuckin’ lighzts out...*hic*”

>>Link nodded slightly, and took another big drink.

Rauru: Yeah, just keep sucking it down, you’re not paying for it!

>>“After I beat Gor Coron in a sumo match, I traveled deep into the mines.”

DED: Yes, because sumo wrestling and mine exploring are so inextricably linked.

>>“I say, you must be a real thrill seeker to do something so outlandish.”

Link: (drunk) “Whachu call my mother?”

Zelda: “I said you must be a real thrill seek...”

Link: “You shuddup! Jezs...Jzst shuddup!”

>>Shad said, as he listened with rapt ears.

DED: Shrink rapt?

Zelda: Oh, God, shut up.

DED:  Plastic rapt? Gangsta rapt?

Zelda *takes out gun*

DED: Yipe.

Zelda: We’re gonna shut up, now.

Link: You know, the way you always use that gun whenever anyone makes lame jokes, you’re kind of like...like...

Rauru: Oh no...

Link: ...the Pun-isher!

Zelda: *shoots Link in the thigh*

Link: AAARRGGGHHHHHH! IT HURTS LIKE FIRE!!!

>>“The place is practically a giant furnace.  

Link: (lying on the floor) GGARRRGGGhhhhhllllllll...ghruurrgg...

DED: Do we need to, like...take him to a hospital or something?

Zelda: He’s Link. C’mon. He can get backhanded by an Iron Knuckle and only lose three hearts.

DED: True.

Link: Yeah, Dave, don’t...ghakkrk...GUNderestimate me!

Zelda: *shoots Link multiple times*

Link: GAAHHGGGGHHH!

>>I can’t begin to imagine being in a place like that.

Link: Gurgl...

Zelda: Oh, quit whining.

Link: Please...kill me...

Zelda: Fine. Here. *pours Lon-Lon Milk on Link’s bullet wounds*

Link: Ahhhh! Sweet blessed relief! *gets up*

Rauru: Are we...okay here?

Link: I feel fit as a fiddle! Fitter, in fact! Like, as fit as a bassoon!

DED: Wow, that milk is powerful stuff.

Link: Yeah! It’s udderly amazing!

Zelda: *pistol-whips Link*

>>What was it like?”

Rauru: Well, that was a chilling look into Link and Zelda’s personal life...

Zelda: Aw, I’m just messin’ around. I’m just expressing my love.

DED: By shooting him.

Zelda: It’s tough love.

DED: Repeatedly.

Zelda: ...really tough love.

>>“It was challenging and confusing and hot.”

Link: Hey, I’m challenging and confusing and hot!

>>Link tilted his head in Shad’s direction.

DED: Awrwrorl?

>>“Very, very, very hot.

Link: Speaking.

>>I nearly fell into the lava once – maybe twice –

Rauru: How do you lose track of something like that?

Zelda: “And then a huge fucking axe came down at me from the ceiling, like, three or four times.”

>>before I finally made it to Darbus.

Link: You know, in a way, we’re all trying to reach Darbus.

Rauru: We just don’t know it yet.

>>Who – by the way – was not in a pleasant mood.”

DED: And by that you mean “possessed by fucking demons.”

>>“So what happened?” Shad asked, pouring himself more wine.

Zelda: “Yeah, you just keep talking and talking. I’m gonna get me some more booze.”

>>Since their first encounter at Telma’s Bar and all meetings prior to this one, it seemed that this was their first real conversation.

DED: Probably because Link _never speaks_.

Rauru: Why is that, anyway?

Link: Look, the world was threatened by evil! I didn’t have time to make fucking small talk with everyone who could put two words together.

Zelda: Even when important people, such as me, were asking you questions?

Link: Look, I have a system, okay?

>>Sure, Shad was a nice enough fellow and all,

Rauru: But, c’mon, on a first date?

>>but they didn’t really have anything in common.

Link: ...thank God.

>>Link was a farm boy, a rogue, a country bumpkin –

Zelda: Now, hold on...since when is “rogue” synonymous with “farm boy” and “country bumpkin?”

DED: That’s like comparing Han Solo to the Dukes of Hazzard! I call bullshit!

>>if you will –

Rauru: No, I won’t!

Link: You can’t make me!

>>and Shad was, well, Shad.

Zelda: Really, what more can be said?

DED: The man. The legend. SHAD.

Rauru: Man, Shad is one bad mother...

Link: Shut yo’ mouth!

Rauru: I’m just talkin’ ‘bout Shad!

Link: I can dig it!

>>“Well…” Link traced a finger around the rim of his flute.

DED: And now, a Vivaldi concerto.

>>“ When I approached him he swung at me with a chain that was supposed to be secured to the wall.

Rauru: Lousy Mexicans and their inadequate chain fixtures!

Zelda: Ouch, man, why you gotta get the Mexicans involved?

Rauru: I’m an old man. It’s okay for me to be racist.

>>I did my best to evade it but the chain was too long

Link: Ah, yes...his “chain” was too “long...”

Zelda: It’s okay, Link. Talk it out. We’re here to help you.

>>and it caught me on my side, knocking me down.”

Rauru: Gonna cry about it, huh? Gonna cry?

>>“Ouch! That must’ve hurt.”

DED: Geez, he sounds like a sportscaster interviewing a quarterback.

>>“Mmm. Like a bitch.

Link: I _do_ like a bitch...or two.

Zelda: And just what is THAT supposed to mean?

>>But I managed to subdue him in the end.” Link described,

Rauru: Uh...great description.

DED: “And then I won. The end.”

>>polishing off his second glass of wine.

Zelda: It’s absolutely disgraceful!

DED: Like you can talk.

Zelda: I can do what I damn well please.

Link: C’mon, you guys can’t begrudge me a drink every now and then. I mean, I just got done killing a rampaging monster, SOMEONE’s buying me a beer!

>>He sat with his hands on his knees trying to gather his thoughts,

Rauru: An activity that takes up much of Link’s time, I’m sure.

Zelda: You kidding? Would you describe Link’s thoughts as “gathered?”

Link: ...which is why I’ll never buy umbrellas. Now, chunky peanut butter is all right, for SOME people, but I...

>>which was somewhat difficult due to the swimming feeling in his head.

Zelda: Wow, he’s really a lightweight.

Rauru: I know, it’s just wine. It’s not like he was knocking back big glasses of vodka or formaldehyde or something.

>>A few minutes passed without a word

DED: Wow. Awk-warrrrd.

Link: C’mon, I have more personality than this. I can keep a conversation going.

Zelda: Indeed, I have never known you to _STOP TALKING_ to me and anyone else who will listen.

Link: ...but then I wondered, “why is there a Tuesday but no Threesday?” So I...

>>as he alternated glances between his friend and his surroundings;

Rauru: Cease thy eyeing of possible exits.

>>eventually he turned to Shad and said. “Y’know this is some place you got here.”

DED: (drunk) “Yr jzst...yer muh best fren, man...I love you.”

>>“Thank you.” Shad nodded his head politely.

Rauru: “You know, this IS some place I’ve got here. Thanks for edifying this conversation with that observation!”

>>“The house was built shortly after the unification wars and has been in my family ever since.”

Link: Well, why don’t you just give yourself a fucking medal, you fucking house-having motherfucker?

>>“Do you live here all by yourself?”

DED: Everything about this guy screams “serial killer.”

>>“Yes, ever since my father passed away.” Shad sighed and lowered his eyes.

Zelda: Well, way to BRING IT UP and make yourself depressed, dumbass!

Link: “Really? No one else lives here? Okay, I’ll take the bedroom on the left. Where can I put my stuff?”

>>Link glanced at Shad. His friend was just sitting there beside him with his hands clasped tightly around his glass,

Rauru: Dis booze...it iz mine.

>>his blue eyes starring vacantly into its form.

Zelda: And he wept, for he knew that when he stared at liquor, liquor wasn’t staring back.

>>Shad looked sad all of a sudden.

Link: Oh, is THAT what’s going on?

>>Was it because he was lonely in this big house?

DED: PuhLOT point!

Rauru: “Don’t mind me. I’m just sad because my girlfriend broke up with me.”

Link: “Wait, really? _You_ had a...never mind.”

>>Link let out a discouraged sigh.

Rauru: “Sigh. Okay, fine, don’t dwell on the past, move on with your life, death comes to all things, blah blah blah, are you feeling better yet?”

>>In a way, he too was lonely.

Link: Yeah...I am, sometimes.

Zelda: Aww, c’mon, none of that. You’ve got me, right?

Link: Not five minutes ago, you shot me several times with a gun.

Zelda: In no way should that make you feel lonely.

>>Adventuring and seeing far off places was wonderful,

DED: Well, except when you’re getting your ass killed and mutilated.

>>but at the end of the day he would sometimes wish he had someone… if only in passing.

Rauru: Yes, Link is clearly lonely. Lonely for GAY HOMO COCK!

>>He had Midna once,

Link: Whoa, whoa, wait, slow right the fuck down. Did he just say what I think he said?

DED: I think he did.

Zelda: That opens up a whole new can of worms.

Link: Ugh, no kidding.

Zelda: And by “can,” I mean “vagina.” And by “worms” I mean “Midna.” And by “opens” I mean “penetrates.”

Link: Why are you tormenting me?!

>>who was probably the only one who would ever fully understand him,

Rauru: Yes, a magically-transformed mutant imp from another dimension is the only one who TRULY understands me!

Zelda: Hey, come on, I’d probably understand just as well as Midna, and I guarantee I’d be a thousand times better shag.

DED: That is indisputable.

>>but she was gone

Link: And for that, we are grateful.

DED: Hmm. I would say that Link’s a bisexual in this story, then, only I’m not sure whether to call Midna a woman, man, or some kind of other twisted gender yet to be conceived.

>>and he had come to accept that recently.

Zelda: Well, the fact that she’s NOT THERE ANYMORE would make it rather difficult to dispute.

>>Perhaps Shad, like him, wanted companionship too.

Rauru: Poor Link, he’s absolutely devastated after Midna broke up with him.

Link: And who wouldn’t be, having been rejected sexually by a mutant imp?

DED: Okay, okay, as much as I enjoy mocking Midna, I have to point out here that at the end of the game she gets turned from mutant imp into shadow-hottie that I’d totally hit.

Zelda: Uh, OMG, spoiler alert?

DED: Man, fuck that. Do you even know where we are? Bitch, this is the Internet.

>>He placed a hand almost unconsciously on Shad’s arm

Rauru: He must be REALLY drunk.

>>and opened his mouth slowly, not sure what to say to him.

DED: Yep, if you don’t know what to say, you might as well just hang your mouth open and gape like an idiot. You know, to save time.

>>“I…I never had the chance to know my parents. I was orphaned and brought up in Ordon; I never really had a father.”

Link: Sad, ain’t it?

>>“That’s a shame.

Rauru: “Yeah, yeah, parents dead, that’s a crying shame. Look, I’m gonna ask up front: are you gay?”

>>But still…”

Zelda: “...at least you had goat herding, right?”

>>Shad murmured, adjusting his glasses on the bridge of his nose.

DED: THANK you! I was wondering when he’d finally get around to adjusting those fucking glasses on his nose!

Link: I know, it made me cringe, the way those glasses were all screwed up!

>>“I can’t help but think you were lucky on some aspects.”

Rauru: “I bet you got to watch TV any time you wanted to and you never had to go to bed! Man, you’re so lucky!”

>>“Lucky? Why?” Link gave him a questioning look.

Zelda: Well...I guess you don’t have to worry too much about Mother’s Day.

>>“Because…” Shad hesitated, intending to answer him differently

DED: Oh, he was going to say “The reason why is...” instead of “because.”

>>but instead blurted,

Rauru: “Your cock. It’s enormous and I’m gay for it.”

Link: True as that may be, that’s way too to-the-point.

>>“You’ve never had to live in a shadow.”

Zelda: “Well, except for that one time, where you lived in a shadow. But...you know...other than that.”

>>They sat there awkwardly, neither sure what to say next.

DED: Sigh.

Rauru: Is this rated “adults only” because there’s sex in it, or is it just because of the risk of death by boredom?

>>Shad’s gaze lowered as his thoughts lingered on for a moment.

Zelda: “No, no, wait, is it, ‘YOU’D never had to live in a shadow?’ Is it ‘you’ve never HAVE to live in a shadow?’”

>>He felt a pang of guilt for saying Link was lucky he didn’t have a father,

Link: “Yeah, Shad. It’s also lucky that you’re an effeminate ladyboy cockfag that no one likes, huh?”

>>when in reality, that’s not what he meant.

Rauru: Uh, that’s pretty much exactly what he meant.

>>Shad’s father was a highly intellectual and well respected man of Hyrule

DED: Man, what went wrong?

>>and demanded his son be regarded in the same manner.

Zelda: So, clearly, he failed.

>>It was for this reason Shad worked and studied so hard to please his father,

Link: “I’m so proud of you, son, the way you study all the time and have no friends!”

>>which he assumed he did,

Rauru: Wow, so he’s been trying to please other men since, like, childhood.

>>but it seemed as if his entire life was built around his father’s desires instead of his own.

DED: Okay, so he’s a geeky, glasses-wearing archaeology buff who lives alone with a bunch of statues and is obsessed with fulfilling the desires of his big, strong father. Yep, it’s pretty much impossible for him NOT to be gay.

>>“…Shad?” Link said softly, scooting closer to him.

Zelda: I know they’re gay, but, like, c’mon...personal space.

>>He didn’t respond right away and was all too aware of Link’s hand still on his arm.

Rauru: How can you be “too aware” of something? Is there some kind of threshold for awareness where if you’re more aware than that, you’ve crossed the line?

Link: Rauru...over-thinking.

>>A slight blush filled his cheeks the more he thought of how nice it felt.

DED: Huh, this guy sure is easy to please.

>>Since his fathers death he had been alone, more or less,

Zelda: Except for all of his...statues.

Rauru: They’re...my friends.

>>save for the company of Auru, Ashei, and Telma.

Link: But seriously, fuck them, right?

>>And even though he cared about them a lot,

Zelda: In a totally not-caring sort of way.

>>they couldn’t fill the sort of company he wanted.

DED: He is gay for sex...with men!

>>Then there was Link, a young man such as himself,

Rauru: Well, that’s all the convincing _I_ need, commence with the buttsex!

>>and handsome to boot.

Link: C’mon, tell us something we DON’T know.

>>But he didn’t sense that Link harbored feelings for him in that way.

Zelda: That’s the way, uh huh uh huh.

>>Shad’s blush grew deeper.

DED: Anti-blush protests broke out across the nation.

>>Was that how he felt?

Rauru: ...why are you asking ME?

>>Did he fancy Link in that way?

Link: Well, doesn’t he subscribe to Link Fancier magazine?

Zelda: Yeah...no such thing exists.

Link: It needs to be real. I will make it real.

>>“Shad, you okay?” Link asked after a time.

Rauru: Wow, he’s really the epitome of empathic understanding.

>>“Huh? Oh yeah,”

DED: “Yeah, huh, what, yes, what?!?”

>>Shad looked startled, and a little sad.

Zelda: “AAAH please don’t hurt me!”

>>“Sorry about saying you were lucky and all… I didn’t mean it the way it sounded.”

Link: “I meant it to have more of a lilting quality, with an undercurrent of quiet introspe...ahhh, never mind.”

>>“I know.”

Rauru: “Shut up.”

>>Link acknowledged, giving Shad’s arm a slight rub for comfort.

DED: Aye, there’s the rub!

Zelda: Wow. Aren’t you smart.

DED: Yes.

>>“It’s just that being by myself I have quite a bit of time to think,” Shad confessed,

DED: “This man has confessed to thinking!”

Rauru: “Put him in the Thought Prison, at once!”

Link: Yeah, like, I’ve been thinking, you know how people always say that a stitch in time saves nine, well what if you only needed to save three, would you have to have a third of a stitch somehow, or would you just have to go with the full stitch and just waste the other six that you get to save, because to me that seems inefficient and there ought to be some kind of fractional stitch-making measure put into...

DED: *elbows Zelda, takes gun, shoots Link* DIE DIE DIE!

Link: GHARRGGGAGGGHHHH!!!

Zelda: Hey, I was listening to that! I thought it was very interesting.

DED: *look of horror*

Zelda: He makes a good point about...oh GOD! GOD! JESUS! GOD! WHAT AM I SAYING?!? PLEASE HELP ME!

Rauru: I know! I’ll SHOOT the stupid out of you! *takes gun*

Zelda: No, wait, AHH!

Rauru: *holds gun backward, shoots self*

Zelda: I...what?

Rauru: Owie. So THAT’S the end that the bullets come out of.

DED: Wow. Do you need, like, medical attention or anything?

Link: Y...yessss...gurgl...

DED: Wasn’t TALKING to you, thank you...

Rauru: Nah, it’s cool. I’m fat enough to be bulletproof.

Zelda: Okay. Okay. Deep breaths. I think all the shootings have scared the stupid out of me.

Link: Anything...for...you...dearest...aakkk...

>>tilting his head to look at Link’s hand that still had not faltered from his arm.

Zelda: *puts hand on her forehead, takes it off* Whoops! I really faltered there.

DED: EPIC FAIL!

>>“Too much time actually.”

Rauru: “You see all this thinking...let...the fire demons...come into my head...”

Link: “O...okay...”

Rauru: “That’s why...I can never...sleep…”

>>“Yeah,” Link sighed, knowing the feeling all to well.

Link: Yep, too much thinking does tend to overheat the ol’ noggin.

Zelda: It’s true. It’s scary.

Link: Sometimes smoke comes out.

>>“Everyone gets lonely sometimes I suppose.”

DED: “But you’re the only one who won’t SHUT UP about it...”

>>Shad nodded slightly, sliding a hand up his forearm until his bare fingers were touching Link’s.

Rauru: Look, can we move this along? I’d like to get back to my eating, please.

Zelda: Since when has being in the theater ever stopped you?

Rauru: (mouth stuffed full of ham) Thtopped meh fum wut?

>>“And are you?”

DED: “*cough*gay*cough*?”

>>Link stared at Shad for several seconds,

Link: Dyuhhhhh...him says...words.

>>his heart beating faster in his chest, before finally saying, “Am I what?”

Zelda: “Hungry. I could make some nachos.”

Rauru: Yes, please.

Link: Rauru...try to separate fiction from reality.

Rauru: As far as offers of food are concerned, there is no difference.

>>“Lonely,” said Shad softly.

DED: “Wait, wait, I’ve forgotten what we were talking about.”

>>Link’s gaze dropped to where his friends hand

Zelda: Hey, there should be an apostrophe in “friends.”

DED: FINALLY! A grammar mistake! I was getting worried.

>>rested on his, and lingered there for a few minutes

Rauru: Um...either this is hyperbole, or Link is even more retarded than usual.

Link: “Uhhhhhhhhh...what?”

>>before it rose to meet Shad’s eyes.

DED: Get up, stand up! Don’t give up the fight!

>>“Yes.” He murmured.

Zelda: “You know what? I’ve forgotten the question in those few minutes there where you were staring like a moron.”

>>Link closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

Rauru: Whoa, whoa, slow down there! Shouldn’t you take a few minutes to think about it?

DED: All right, all right, it wasn’t even that funny to begin with.

>>He could feel Shad’s fingers gently pressing against his,

Link: Why, yes, I can feel things. It’s one of my privileges as an organism with a central nervous system.

>>and without thinking brushed his thumb over them.

Zelda: Good GOD man, haven’t you stopped to think about the implications?

>>“Sha-” He began, but was silenced

DED: “SHUT the hell up!”

>>as Shad pressed his lips against his.

Rauru: Well, I guess that was the gay sex, then. Story over?

Link: No, it hasn’t even started yet.

Rauru: _What._

>>Link's eyes snapped open at first, and a tinge of panic shot through his body.

Zelda: “Oh, snap! I’m not supposed to drink while taking that new allergy medication!”

>>He wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about his friend kissing him,

DED: Hmmmm...yeah...there’s some gray area there.

Rauru: Mo’ like some GAY area there.

>>but it didn’t change the fact that he was enjoying it.

Link: Yep! I mean, I don’t know how I think or feel about ANYTHING!

>>There was a hand on the back of his neck

Zelda: I repeat: the radiation leak has had NO ill effects whatsoever.

>>pulling him in closer to deepen the kiss. Link inhaled suddenly

DED: Tell me, how do you inhale while kissing?

Link: Through your nose?

Zelda: Sexy.

>>at the abrupt touch, but he didn’t resist.

Rauru: C’mon, man, at least put in some effort.

>>Instead he closed his eyes once again and parted his lips.

Link: Speech! Speech!

Zelda: That’s fairly unlikely at this point.

>>Shad then took the opportunity to slide his tongue between Link’s teeth

DED: Shad, makin’ it happen!

Rauru: Seize the day!

>>and explore his mouth,

Zelda: Yes, because when I want to explore something, I use my tongue.

DED: Oh baby.

>>causing Link to make soft little grunting noises.

Link: Oh, come on. I don’t make soft little grunting noises.

DED: Indeed. Your grunting noises are loud, animalistic cries of pain slash anger.

Rauru: My favorite is his “SHAAAAHT!”

Zelda: Although I’m partial to the “HURRAAGG-EE-ATT!”

Link: C’mon, stop giving me shit about this. My ways are inscrutable.

DED: You’re telling us.

>>Link reached his arm up

Rauru: His arm, you say? Hmm. I think that’s the right choice, there.

Zelda: “Reaching his leg up” just doesn’t quite cut it, yes.

>>to clutch the back of Shad’s shirt,

Rauru: And, again, I think the arm is best suited vis-à-vis the clutching.

DED: *heckling* You’re not funny!

Link: Grow some hair!

>>dropping the wine glass he’d been holding.

Zelda: How am I not surprised?

Link: I seriously didn’t think I would drop it!

>>There was a mild chink as it hit the floor and rolled under the sofa.

Rauau: Ah, damn it.

Link:  Go pick it up! It’s not going to clean up itself.

>>Shad placed his other hand on Link's inner thigh,

DED: Godamn, slow down there! You just met this guy! How do you know he’s not diseased or something?

Link: “Heh heh heh, I’m gonna give his dumb ass herpes!”

>>gently guiding it beneath the tunic until he came to the bulge in his pants.

Zelda: Frickin’ A! What “his?”

DED: What his, is?

>>Link trembled when he felt Shad’s hand rubbing him through the thick fabric, and let out a low moan.

Rauru: OOoooooOOOOOOooooo!

Link: Ebenezer Scroooooge! I am the Ghooooost of Handjobs Past!

>>The thought of wanting a man frightened him actually,

Rauru: OoooooOOOOOoooOOOOOoOOO!!!

Link: The ghooooooost of latent homosexuaaaaaaaaaaality! BweooAAaooooo!

DED: Okay, okay.

>>because he shouldn’t want that from another man…

Zelda: Devotion? Attention? Personal fulfillment? Fuck that.

>>should he?

Rauru: Press 1 for yes or 2 for no.

>>But oh goddesses he wanted Shad

Link: And I want a chariot drawn by hamsters, but you don’t see me complaining.

Zelda: You did. Constantly.

Link: Uh huh.

Zelda: And then I pulled all these strings to get you one. It cost millions in taxpayer money.

Link: Yeah.

Zelda: And then you didn’t feed the hamsters and they ate each other.

Link: Right.

Zelda: So to summarize, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Link: Can do.

>>and was, needless to say, very hard for him at the moment.

DED: This STORY is very hard for me at the moment.

>>“Do… Do you want to go upstairs?”

Rauru: “Why, what’s upsta...ooooooh.”

>>Link thought he heard Shad mutter between breaths.

Zelda: It was either that, or he said, “Do you want to throw up bears?”

Link: And that would be nonsensical!

>>The concept of why Shad wanted to go upstairs

Zelda: Why DOES he want to go upstairs, anyway? Not like they need to get away from anyone’s prying eyes.

DED: But...the statues are watching...

Rauru: Okay, enough already with the statues.

>>made Link's heart beat harder,

Link: Concepts---they make my dick hard.

DED: This is getting pretty philosophical, huh?

>>and it felt as if it was in his throat.

Rauru: Sometimes I get like that, if I forget to swallow all the way. That’s when I usually just clear the way with another big blob of food.

Zelda: I’m not sure whether I want to puke or punch you, or maybe cry.

>>But he managed to swallow it back down long enough to nod his head.

DED: Hmm, already he’s demonstrating exceptional swallowing skills.

Zelda: This might prove useful...

>>They both climbed the stairs to the floor,

Link: The stairs...to the floor?

Rauru: Like, stairs that lead neither up nor down?

DED: Like some kind of M. C. Escher drawing?

>>on which Shad’s bedroom was located, and within a matter of minutes were sprawled on top of the large bed.

Zelda: Um, again, okay...minutes? Like, seriously, hundreds of seconds?

Rauru: C’mon, climbing stairs is tough.

>>Shad divested Link of his tunics

Link: Divested? What, is Shad now an investment banker or something?

Zelda: The hell do you know about banking?

Link: I’ve been doing some market research, thank-you-very-much. I need to invest my assets wisely.

Zelda: Your assets consist entirely of what I’m willing to hand out to you in spite of your massive incompetence.

Link: All the more reason!

>>and shirt then slid a palm up the smooth, quivering skin of Link’s chest,

Rauru: So, Link can quiver his skin? Like a horse?

Link: I wish. Man, those fucking flies!

>>thumbing his stiff nipples.

DED: Oh run-on sentences, you’re my constant friend and companion.

>>Link grabbed Shad around the neck and crushed

Zelda: Yikes, dude...

Rauru: Auto-erotic asphyxiation?

>>their mouths back together,

Link: Oh. Are you sure?

>>rubbing his erection against his host’s,

DED: They have some weird customs in Hyrule.

Link: You think Miss Manners ever covered erection-rubbing?

Zelda: No. No, Link. No. No, not no no no never no.

>>causing them both to moan sharply into the others mouth.

Rauru: NO U!!!!!!!11

>>Shad’s hands were cold against his flesh

DED: Oh, awesome.

Rauru: I was wondering what could make this sex act any better, and now I know!

>>as the tips of his fingers traced along Link’s abdomen

Link: Shit, man, doesn’t that tickle? What fun would THAT be?

>>and down his breeches until –

Zelda: Um...until...they both died and millions of years passed and the sun exploded and the earth became a cold lifeless chunk of carbon?

>>Oh goddesses!

DED: How stiltedly redundant.

>>A low moan escaped Link’s lips as he felt the hand stroke him.

Rauru: Damn, what was IN that wine?

Zelda: I’m never drinking again.

Link: (quivering with wide-eyed hopefulness) R...really?

Zelda: No.

>>Shad withdrew from the kiss, much to Link’s disappointment,

DED: FAIL!

>>and instead ran his tongue along the inside of his partner’s long ear,

Rauru: OOOOO, I hates that durn long-eared galoot!

>>lightly nibbling here and there.

Link: NOM NOM NOM!

DED: Ur earz...they has a flavor.

>>Link moaned against his jaw

Zelda: The Clue Meter is reading zero.

>>when he felt Shad’s hand curl around his throbbing erection.

Rauru: I was about to point out the indefinite pronoun confusion, but then it occurred to me...that it doesn’t matter.

>>He slumped forward a little, panting and trembling

Link: Geez, it’s not like he just ran the New York marathon or something.

DED: In fact, he’s just been lying around getting his ears nibbled.

>>as Shad guided his hand

Zelda: All right, hand, let’s try this one more time...okay...up, down, up, down, u...DAMN it!

>>along his length

Rauru: God, the pronouns! THE PRONOUNS!

DED: The line between Shad and Link has dissolved. Their existence has become a nightmare without beginning or end. Link’s penis? Shad’s penis? There’s no difference anymore!

Link: Geez, calm down, cracker.

DED: Duality is dead! YOU’VE KILLED IT!

>>in slow firm strokes.

Zelda: Remember to use slow, firm strokes. Make happy trees. Thaaaat’s it.

>>Link whimpered

Rauru: “I’da wannaaaaa!”

>>and began thrusting his hips into his hand.

DED: Uh...I find it highly improbable that he’s actually thrusting his HIPS into his HAND.

Link: I’m not even...sure...how...possible...

>>The fact that a man – namely Shad – could do this to him was alarming,

Rauru: WHOA! I’m GAY!

Zelda: THAT’S quite alarming!

>>and yet exciting.

Link: This is gonna be AWESOME!

>>But he could give into his desire, just this once;

DED: That’s what they all say, isn’t it?

Rauru: That’s what I said once, long, long ago…

Link: No, guys, you don’t understand. I’m the Hero of Time. I can have gay sex on the down-low and still not be gay.

>>no one would have to know.

Zelda: Wow, I wish I didn’t have to know about this.

DED: Well, yeah, no one will HAVE to know, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that no one WILL know...

>>Needing stronger sensation,

Rauru: You just won’t be satisfied with what you have, will you?

Link: I can’t get no, satisfaction!

>>Link bucked his hips vigorously into Shad’s fist

Zelda: Look. He’s not bucking his “hips” into Shad’s fist. His hips are MOVING, yes, but only to facilitate the movement of a DIFFERENT part of his anatomy.

>>until he grew so impulsive that he grabbed his friend and shoved him on his back.

DED: Because, I mean, getting drunk and having gay sex with a casual acquaintance, THAT’S not impulsive. But SHOVING him while doing it? Brother, you just crossed the fucking line.

>>His glasses, Link noticed, were now awry on the bridge of his nose.

Rauru: Really? That’s the most interesting thing ever!

Link: Let’s turn the snark all the way up to 11!

>>But he didn’t bother removing them because he found it to be quite charming.

Zelda: Saria’s boots, Shad’s glasses...I wonder what the deal is?

Rauru: Link’s sexual fetishes are as bizarre as they are random.

>>“Fiery aren’t we?” Shad teased.

“Well if I am it’s your doing.”

DED: Wait, wait, they were having sex, but now they’re...

Link: Frick on a stick.

DED: THEY’RE FUCKING TALKING AGAIN! GOD DAMN IT!

>>Link shot back,

Zelda: LOOK OUT! TAKE COVER!

Link: Pew pew pew, laser beams!

>>unlacing his breeches and they fell to his knees.

DED: Oh. I bet that’s that “gravity” thing I’ve been hearing about.

>>Aware of what the youth wanted,

Rauru: ...everything...he wanted?

Link: Even...?

DED: Even that.

>>Shad shucked off his own trousers

Zelda: I’m sorry, “shucked?”

DED: Man, I don’t give a shuck!

Link: This story shucks, all right.

Rauru: So...I presume this means that Shad is made of corn?

Zelda: Yeh...what?

Rauru: You heard me. Shucking. Corn. Shad is made of corn.

>>and boots as well.

Link: Oh, well that TEARS it!

>>Link then straddled his lap

DED: YOU CAN’T STRADDLE YOUR OWN LAP!!!

Zelda: D...

DED: (interrupting, beating Zelda) YOU MAKE ME DO THIS!!

>>and spread his legs wide to either side and immediately began to rub himself against Shad’s arousal.

Rauru: Well, it’s a good thing they’re both OLYMPIC FUCKING GYMNASTS and aren’t tearing their leg muscles like wet toilet paper...

DED: And also...Link is rubbing his penis against... “arousal?” Like, an abstract concept?

Link: That’s some cerebral shit right there.

>>He arched up against Link with a small cry,

Zelda: CAW!

>>quivering at the sudden burst of pleasure.

Rauru: SUDDEN PLEASURE BURST!

DED: THREE-HIT COMBO!

>>Link spat in his hand a few times

Zelda: Why…wha...why?

>>and gently slipped one digit into him,

Link: This makes NO SENSE!

Rauru: Gay sex...Ur doin it wrong.

>>poking, prodding, and stretching, smirking

Link: Verb overload! Warning! Danger! Warning!

>>when Shad moaned and buckled his hips beneath him,

DED: YOUR HIPS AREN’T BENEATH YOU!!!

Rauru: Dave, listen to m...

DED: MY BRAIN IS FILLING UP WITH SPIDERS!

>>then added another finger.

Zelda: What, does he have, like, mutant powers?

Link: “Now, five is enough for MOST people, but...”

>>Shad sharply inhaled at the abruptness of it,

DED: Or, rather, at the “there-are-now-fingers-inside-my-anus” of it.

>>but it didn’t hurt much;

Rauru: Well, THERE’S a perfect excuse!

 >>in fact, he liked it. If anything it made him harder.

Link: Stop, you fool! You’re only making him stronger!

DED: HE CANNOT BE REASONED WITH!

>>Link withdrew his fingers and lifted his legs apart,

Zelda: ...what the FUCK?

Link: And then he lifted inside of himself to different a being, but he divided his half into a million of degree to become less.

DED: That’s a fair impression of this writing style.

Link: ...What writing style?

>>grasping them almost hard enough to bruise.

Rauru: But, I’m sure, plenty hard enough to hurt like a motherfather.

Zelda: Rauru, you can swear here...it’s going to be the LEAST offensive thing going on.

Rauru: Oh, poppycock!

>>He eased himself into Shad quickly,

Link: Quick, before Jesus finds out!

>>being careful not to hurt him.

Zelda: These two goals are, how you say, at odds.

>>Shad winced lightly

Rauru: He winced the light fantastic?

>>when Link began moving inside him, trying to build a steady rhythm.

DED: (doing “Crossroads”) DUR dun dun dun, da-da-da DA da, dun dun dun, da-da-da DA da...

>>Shad tossed and turned his head sporadically, heavily panting as he rocked his hips

Link: ATTENTION HIPS! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!?

Zelda: Talk about “rock out with your cock out.”

>>against the youth’s to match his pace.

Rauru: Gotta break 4:40!

DED: Are you, RAURU, talking about running a...

Rauru: No, I mean hot dogs. Eating a dozen hot dogs. In under 4:40.

Zelda: I’m honestly surprised that you haven’t mentioned competitive eating sooner.

Rauru: Oh, I’m banned from every major competition. You know, back on the circuit, they used to...

Zelda: Yeah, I said “surprised,” not, “disappointed.”

>>Link was quite possibly the best lover he’d ever had;

Link: You mean he’s had more than one?

DED: THAT sure wasn’t obvious.

>>he was young, handsome, exciting,

Zelda: If by “exciting” you mean “a constant threat to his own health and the health of those around him.”

Link: I _do_ mean that!

>>and – dare he say it – good at fucking.

DED: Ah ha, the truth comes out.

Rauru: Not the kind of thing you can put on your résumé, but...

Zelda: Unless you’re trying to get a job at Vivid Video or something.

>>Link groaned and breathed deeply, feeling Shad’s ass

Link: Why, that’s the Shad’s ass!

DED: I’ve always wanted to invent my own aphorism. That’d be the donkey’s jukebox.

Zelda: No kidding, man. That’d be the snake’s banana.

Rauru: Peanut’s alimony.

DED: Let’s, uh, let’s stop talking now.

>>clenching around him. He bore down on the scholar harder,

Link: Man, just like finals week.

>>the force of his thrusts shaking the bed frame.

Zelda: Hey, man, that bed is probably worth more than you and everything you own.

>>Shad cried out,

DED: Forsooth, I am smitten!

>>arching as Link’s pace quickened, his fingers clutching the soft linen of the bed sheets.

Rauru: You gonna get five across the jaw, sheets!

>>Craving to taste more of the hero,

Link: Heroes: You can’t eat just one!

>>Shad pulled him back in for another hungry,

Rauru: Yes.

>>open-mouthed kiss.

DED: NOM NOM NOM!!

>>Link whimpered in his mouth

Link: ...the FUCK?

DED: THIS IS THE CRAZIEST FUCKING SENTENCE I HAVE EVER READ!

>>when at last he came;

Zelda: I’ve been waiting...so long...

>>he arched his back, releasing all his vitality into Shad.

Rauru: And, um...dying?

Link: Meanwhile, Shad becomes super-human?

Zelda: Gay archeologist superheroes are the LAST thing we need.

>>And then collapsed on his friend,

DED: A model of courtesy, he is.

>>shaking and too worn out to move.

Rauru: Yesss, now we have him right where we want him!

>>Shad let him lay there a few minutes

Link: “Oh, yeah, no, I’m fine. You just lie there on top of me like a big sweaty sack of potatoes. This is exactly what I wanted you to do.”

>>until his breathing returned to normal.

Zelda: Wow, that’s...upsetting.

DED: Oh, God, I thought I was going to lose you! *sniffle*

>>Link pushed himself up and off his partner, resting an arm across his forehead.

Rauru: “Well, I’m spent, who wants a Hot Pocket?”

Link: I don’t like Hot Pockets. Not even when I’m gay sexing.

Rauru: ...Wasn’t TALKING about you...

Zelda: God, Rauru, you’re like fucking clockwork.

Rauru (eating big greasy Hot Pocket): Wuth’at ‘pothda meen?

>>Then suddenly Shad was straddling him,

DED: Whoa!

Zelda: Hey, man, lying there with arm on forehead means SEX IS OVER.

>>sliding his hands up Link’s chest and shoulders.

Link: Chest & Shoulders. It does wonders for...uh...chest-hair dandruff?

Zelda: Disgust.

Rauru: Tell me about it, man! People think I’m some kind of Colombian drug mule!

Zelda: Double disgust.

>>He moaned when he felt Shad’s warm tongue

DED: Grima Warmtongue?

>>working in slow, easy circles

Link: Well, for crying out loud, put some effort into it.

Zelda: Yeah, that’s the coward’s way out!

>>around his hard nipples.

Rauru: Man, these nipples are kicking my ass!

>>Link’s body tensed as he felt Shad position himself at his entrance,

DED: Wait...have they ever ONCE used the word “penis?” Or “asshole?”

Link: That is rather ridiculous.

>>slightly worried about what he knew was coming.

Zelda: Listen, man, I know taking your driver’s test is stressful, but you gotta try and relax.

>>But his concern was quickly swept aside

Rauru: ...it was a quick, brutal skirmish, the outcome of which was never in doubt...

>>when Shad’s mouth descended on his once more;

Rauru: ...this time, no one was spared...

>>his tongue prying his lips apart

Zelda: Everything is so difficult with you!

Link: HMMMMMMM...I’m sensing an analogy here...

>>as he entered him.

DED: Enter to win! Limited time only!

>>Link flinched from the sudden sensation,

Rauru: Eep!

>>moaning sharply as a tear rolled down his cheek.

Link: Rofl! Single emo tear.

>>Aware of the youth’s discomfort,

Zelda: Ignoring it, naturally.

>>Shad moved slowly at first, driving long, shuddering thrusts until Link grew accustomed to the feeling.

DED: I’ve...grown accustomed to your diiiick...accustomed to this reeeeaminnnnggg...

>>And it wasn’t for long that Link’s hips were rocking in unison

Link: \m/ >.< \m/ ROOOOOCK!

Rauru: Waaait...it wasn’t FOR long?

Zelda: Honey, it’s already far, far too long.

>>against his own and they were both coming in small cries of pleasure.

DED: And coming in new honey barbeque flavor.

Rauru: If gay sex came in honey barbeque flavor, I’d be Oscar Friggin’ Wilde.

Link: Is that really all it would take?

Rauru: Yeah...pretty much.

Zelda: Rauru, you are scarcely human.

>>Afterward, they simply lounged on the bed, panting and sweating.

Rauru: ALWAYS a good option.

>>With each breath Link could feel his own seed trickling from his belly down his side.

DED: C’mon, story, what did I say that sounded like “I wonder what happened to Link’s semen”?

>>“You should do something about that.” Shad remarked, breaking the discomfited silence.

Link: “I mean, see a doctor, man. It’s...like, turning colors.”

>>“If I move it’ll run down.”

Zelda: Wow, this is the kind of thing they usually, y’know, gloss over.

DED: And we’re now finding out why.

>>Shad heaved a sigh

Rauru: “You and you GODDAMN DEMANDS! This relationship is SMOTHERING me!”

>>as he rose from the bed and opened the nightstand drawer.

Zelda: HE’S GOT A GUN!

Link: GET DOWN! *PSHHW* *PSHHW* *PSHHW*!

>>Link glanced at him from the corner of his eyes.

DED: That’s right...no sudden movements...real careful-like, see?

>>“Here.” Shad said, tossing him several handkerchiefs.

Link: G...wh...FUCK, how many do you NEED?

>>“Keep many of these at your bedside do you?” Link arched an eyebrow.

Zelda: Who doesn’t?

Rauru: “Oh, I keep dozens of them hidden in various places throughout the house. You know, just in case.”

>>Shad responded in a teasing manner,

DED: “...I know you are, but what am I?”

>>“They’re for my glasses. I clean them every morning.”

Link: Uh huh. Sure.

>>Link ran the cloths over his abdomen, moping up his essence

Rauru: Well, THAT’s fucked up on many levels!

>>before it dripped onto the posh linen.

Zelda: Blarg.

DED: Well, you know, at least they’re showing the consequences of unprotected sex.

>>He felt the bed shift as Shad sat down next to him, gently brushing some hair from the hero’s eyes. A smile was Link’s only response.

Rauru: Oh God, he’s flat-lining! But at least he’s happy.

>>Staring into the adoring eyes of his companion,

Link: Godspeed, Companion Cube.

>>Shad finally murmured, “I love you.”

DED: I wuv you THIIIIIIIIIIS much!

Rauru: FINALLY!

>>Silence fell between them then.

Zelda: I mean, the ceiling started cracking, and then there was this big wooshing noise, and then there was just a big chunk of silence right between them. Fuckin’ crazy.

>>Link stared at Shad with an open mouth,

Link: Braaaaaaaains...

>>wondering if he heard him right.

DED: Dost thou speaketh aright? Gadzooks!

>>His heart apparently did,

Rauru: His heart did...what...WHAT?

DED: THIS IS MADNESS!

>>for it was beating profoundly

Zelda: With cosmic significance?

Link: Uh, your heart continuing to beat is actually pretty much the opposite of “profound.”

>>in his chest,

DED: Kali-ma! KALI-MA!

>>and a crimson color filled his cheeks.

Rauru: Thunder fills the sky, and darkness spreads across the land. It is the end of days.

>>“You love me?” asked Link softly.

Zelda: Eh wot?

>>This was not a reaction Link had been expecting, despite their earlier escapade.

Link: So... sex does not equal love?

DED: I guess not.

Link: Oh. I guess I learned something today. Something terribly sad...

>>Shad simply smiled and nodded, then leaned in closer and planted a soft kiss Link’s forehead.

DED: BOMB HAS BEEN PLANTED.

Rauru: Beep...beep...beep...beep beep beep beep beepbeepbeepbeepbeeeeeeeeeeeee...BOOM!

>>So this was how he felt … Suddenly, Link found himself

DED: ...the passage back, to the place he was befo-o-ore! “Relax,” said the night man, “we are, programmed to receeeeeeeeive, y...”

Zelda: God DAMN it, I TOLD YOU ONCE AND I’M NOT TELLING YOU AGAIN! *shoots DED in the arm*

DED: GAAAAAAH! Dammit, wench!

Link: And plus, that connection was tenuous at best.

DED: You shut your goddamn mouth.

>>both happy and afraid.

Rauru: “I’m so happy that I’m afraid!”

>>“And how do you feel, Link?”

Link: “I dunno, like, with my skin and stuff?”

DED: Actually it’s a complex interaction between nerve fibers and clusters of receptor cells th...

Zelda: Oh, shut up why don’t you. You’re supposed to be shot.

DED: Oh, right. The horrible agony. Y’know, I think the bone kind of blocked the bullet.

Zelda: Good to hear.

>>He asked gently, brushing his fingers across the young hero’s cheeks.

Link: Heh heh heh. Heh. Heh.

Rauru: I SEE WUT U DID THAR!

>>Shad’s eyes were fixed on him;

DED: Dude...semicolon.

Zelda: Respect, yo.

>>perhaps searching for a sign

Link: Stop mocking me, you cruel and capricious God?! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM MEEEEEEE?!?!

>>that he too returned his feelings.

Rauru: Maybe he noticed some weird thing stuck to the ceiling. Who knows, right?

>>But Link remained silent,

DED: He BETTER, if he knows what’s good for ‘im.

>>not really knowing how to answer.

Link: What? Preposterous. I ­­_always_ have the answer.

Zelda: It’s always the WRONG answer.

Link: And that will NEVER stop me! Who do you think I am?

>>In truth, he did have feelings for his companion,

Rauru: Like, this one time, he accidentally poked me with a needle, and I, like, so totally felt it!

>>more, perhaps than was wise.

Zelda: Yep, everyone who gets involved with Shad ends up facedown in a ditch.

>>“Link?” he whispered tentatively.

DED: “Do you think you could...maybe...try taking a shower once in a while?”

>>“I’m having a lot of mixed feelings actually.”

Zelda: GO BACK TO LIVEJOURNAL, EMO!

>>Link murmured incoherently

Rauru: He must be drunker than he looks.

Link: Oh, yeah. He wants to talk about his feelings? It’s like he’s drunk-dialing him while he’s still there. He’s going to be all weepy and clingy in a minute or two.

DED: And we all know how THAT goes.

Zelda: W...oh, for fuck’s sake, is this about that...

DED: Well, YEAH...it was highly disturbing!

Zelda: Dude, come on. I was drunk as fuck and I don’t even remember most of it.

DED: Is that supposed to be an excuse?

Zelda: I just needed to talk to someone, okay? I just hit your number.

Link: Um...what are you guys talking about?

Zelda: *sigh* Nothing, sweetie. Nothing at all.

>>as he gazed steadily at Shad.

Rauru: And now...prepare for the magic of the MIND-TAKER! BWOOooooooEEEEEEeeeeoooooEEEEEEooooo!

>>“I’ve never really been in love before, but… I know I like being with you.”

DED: “So do you...LIKE like being with me?”

>>A brief grin crosses Shad’s lips.

Zelda: I saw it through the scope on my high-powered rifle. I’d been chasing that bastard grin these past fifteen years. But I couldn’t take the shot. Not yet.

>>So Link was in love with him, but was merely a confused teenage boy

Link: Hey, fuck you, pal! You can’t tell me who I am!

Zelda: Regardless of who you think you are, Link, you really are a confused teenage boy.

Link: You’re not the BOSS of me!

>>unsure of what he wanted.

DED: May I suggest money? Or perhaps power?

Rauru: I suggest the seared ahi with polenta and red wine.

Zelda: Rauru. You seriously must have fat building up in your brain or something.

DED: You mean he has Tay-Sachs? That’s usual lethal within a few...

Zelda: For the love of fuck, GOD! Stop saying smart things!

Link: Way to bring everybody down, Dave.

>>Shad decided against pressuring him any further.

DED: “Thiiiiiis is our last dance, thiiiiis is our life...under pressure!”

Zelda: THAT IS IT! I AM FUCKING HOSPITALIZING YOU! *empties clip into DED*

DED: Your weapons cannot harm mARRRAGGGHHHHH!!

>>But he was glad – grateful in fact –

Rauru: I’m grateful Zelda’s out of bullets.

Zelda: There should be no further need of them. The message has been sent.

DED: *twitching on floor* You realize...that I have lost most...if not all...of my respect for you as a person?

Zelda: What’s that, dead man? I can’t hear dead people talking.

>>that Link liked being with him and, for now, that would suffice.

Link: Oh, for fuck’s sa...THE STORY IS OVER! YOU CAN SHUT UP NOW!

Rauru: This story just won’t die! Like Dave!

DED: Damn straight!

Rauru: It’s destroying this once tightly-knit team! WE’RE TEARING OURSELVES APART!

Zelda: I can’t help it, man! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE! I just have to keep killing to make the voices go away!

>>“C’mon, lets get some sleep.” Said Shad gently,

DED: Yes. Yes...sleep. Sleep...

Link: Let’s all bask under the calming gaze of Shad.

Zelda: Shad always knows...

>>withdrawing his hand from Link’s face.

Rauru: Bad touch...

>>Link found it very fortunate that he didn’t have to concentrate

Link: Tell me about it! I love not concentrating!

Zelda: Truly, it is a blessing.

>>on what he wanted at that very moment,

Rauru: Well, what I want at this very moment is a nice juicy slab of---

DED: Rauru. Just shut up, okay? We all know what you’re going to say.

Rauru: I was going to say “world peace.”

Link: You want a nice juicy slab of world peace?

Rauru: Who doesn’t?

>>because, honestly, he didn’t know.

Zelda: I just don’t KNOW what I want...oh, the unbearable lightness of being...

DED: The only question worth asking is, “What am I going through right now?”

>>He simply wanted to enjoy it for what it was… a good time.

Rauru: Critics are raving about Shad-odomy! “A rollicking good time!” says Butt Fancier Magazine!

>>A few seconds passed before Link finally joined Shad under the covers.

Link: Hey, you know what? I think this is the first time we’ve witnessed people having sex in a bed. Like, you know, you’re supposed to.

>>He yawned and Shad drew the young hero

Zelda: And stuck the drawing on the refrigerator.

>>against him, his hand gently stroking his blonde strands. And they lay that way for a time,

DED: Oh yes, they did. You better believe it.

>>enjoying the closeness and each others warmth.

Rauru: He was just in it for the warmth, I guess.

Link: That was an interesting one.

DED: In the sense that there was basically NO SEX in it...

Zelda: Are we complaining?

DED: No, of course not. Just saying.

Link: Well, this is ONE archeologist who BURIED his treasure instead of digging it up.

Rauru: ...Wh...was that supposed to mean something?

Zelda: Like, something about the story?

Link: Fuck you guys.

DED: Nah, I’m good.