Classic MST: “A Hero’s Reward” by Dante Dellamorte

In the not-too distant future,

Somewhere on the Internet,

Lurked a crazy rambling author

no one could just quite forget,

Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made

Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,

They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,

So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space

We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:

Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “Who’s bad?”
Rauru! “Eat, drink, and eat some more!”
Zelda! “Living in a material world!”
Link! “I can’t handle the truth!”
If you don’t get how he stays alive
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000! 

“A Hero’s Reward” by Dante Dellamorte

>>Zelda

Zelda: Yeah?

>>had been dreaming for months about him

Link: Yeah?

DED: Hey, hey, don’t jump to conclusions.

Rauru: But do jump to my new house-rockin’ dance mix.

>>– even before Ganon had kidnapped her and smashed the Triforce.

Zelda: Huh? When did THIS happen?

>>She’d never before met him, but she knew him as soon as he kicked open the door where she’d been imprisoned.

DED: Uh oh, the plot is spiraling out of control!

>>“My name is Link,” he said, “I’m here to rescue you.”

Rauru: YES!

Zelda: Best line EVER!

DED: I award this line TEN STARS!

Link: Why didn’t I think of saying that?

>>“But Ganon—“

Rauru: If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, then...hell yeah, I’d be set for LIFE!

>>“Is dead,” he assured her, “He won’t poison this land anymore.”

DED: Now you can have a go at poisoning it!

Zelda: You still mad about that? Hey, look, Bono, that waste was dumped in accordance to Hyrulian environmental protection laws.

Link: Laws that you wrote.

Zelda: Laws are laws.

>>He scooped her up in his arms like she weighed nothing.

Rauru: As if she was pure energy!

Zelda: Well, I _have_ been on Weight Watchers.

Link: Hey, hey, leave all that junk in that trunk, girl. I needs a cushion...for the pushin’.

Zelda: I can hardly stand you.

>>His arms and chest were lean and toned

DED: What’s your secret?

Link: Be a character in a sex fanfic. You’ll always have a great body even if all you do is flip channels while snorking down Slim Jims and whiskey.

>>– she could feel the muscles flex through his tunic

Rauru: But you said he was lean.

>>as he ran - *ran!* -

DED: Ran?

Zelda: Ran.

>>with her out of the stronghold on Death Mountain.

Rauru: I have not a clue what game this is from.

Link: I suspect we’re witnessing a fine example of plot makinguppery.

Zelda: Makinguppery? You are truly retarded.

Link: Hey, no need to get all insultular on me.

>>With their master dead, the horrors that had populated this foul place cowered away

DED: Guess they’re gonna have to start freelancing.

Rauru: Send their resumes around. Get noticed.

Link: ‘Course, the market for freelance monstering isn’t what it used to be.

>>from the blond Hylian hero.

DED: Courageous? Maybe. Valliant? Hard to say. But blond? Most definitely.

>>Zelda relaxed in his arms,

Zelda: I would NOT feel safe in his arms.

Link: I only dropped you that ONE TIME.

>>savoring his mingle scent

Rauru: I’d like to think I have a fairly mingle scent.

Link: This word usage makes NO scents! OH NO I DIDN’T!

>>of sweat, grime, and masculinity

DED: Barns, cows...

>>– not at all like the pampered, perfumy scent of any of the royal men she’d encountered.

Zelda: Yep, that’s what REAL men smell like: Filthy. Unwashed. Dripping with their own secretions.

>>No – this young man worked hard for his rewards,

DED: Out here in the fields! I fought for my meals! I get my back into my living!

Link: That’s great, Dave.

DED: I don’t need to fight! To prove I’m right!

Rauru: Yeah, you’re annoying me now.

DED: I don’t neee-eeee-eed to be forgiven!

>>rather than having them handed to them as privileges of rank.

Zelda: That reminds me, Link. When was the last time you did anything useful?

Link: I don’t know if I’ve ever done anything useful.

>>And obviously he’d worked very hard indeed to find and rescue Zelda.

Rauru: It couldn’t have been that hard. Otherwise it wouldn’t have been worth doing.

Zelda: Hey, watch it, tubs.

>>Such hard work deserved an equally generous reward…

DED: I wonder what THAT’s gonna be.

>>*****

Once they’d reached Castle Hyrule, Link turned to go.

Link: Yep, saved the world, kthxbai!

>>“Wait,” Zelda said,

Rauru: “You can’t leave now! Who’m I gonna have sex with?”

>>and he stopped and glanced back.

Zelda: He’s usually not that obedient.

>>“You saved not only my life, but all of Hyrule.

DED: “In a Glad re-sealable container. To seal in the freshness.”

>>Would you go without a meal or a chance to rest after your long journey? Or even a reward?”

Link: Hell. It’s about damn time.

>>He hesitated, his guileless blue eyes watching her.

Rauru: Oh, Link’s full of guile. Don’t let him fool you.

Zelda: No he’s not. Link couldn’t guile his way out of a paper bag.

Rauru: Wait, “guile” means “stuffing,” right?

Link: No! And it wouldn’t even be true if it did!

>>“Of course,” she said with a playful smile, “I could always command you to be my guest, and you would have to obey me.”

DED: “You’re gonna EAT this delicious caviar, and you’re gonna FUCKIN’ LIKE IT.”

>>He smiled in return. “No need to twist my arm, Princess.

Rauru: “No, really. Don’t twist my arm. No, really, wait, AAAAAAAHHH!”

>>I’d be grateful for the privilege.”

Link: “You got any cocktail weenies? Shit, you don’t? Ah well, I’ll probably stay anyway.”

Zelda: Not like he has much else going on.

>>She ordered the palace servants to feed him,

DED: She ORDERED them to feed him? This is getting creepy.

Rauru: This is getting HOT!

Link: I was wondering if anything actually got you excited. Oops, no, wait, I wasn’t and never will.

>>and he ate as though he would never be full.

Rauru: Livin’ the dream.

>>She watched him meditatively

DED: The Seventh Sutra of Harmonious Mindfulness involves watching people eat dinner. I learned this from a wizened guru atop a misty mountain.

>as steamed fish, roast cucco, and shanks of beef disappeared down his throat.

Rauru: This is the BEST STORY EVER!

>>He had the table manners of a starving moblin, tending to use his sleeve more often than he used a napkin.

Zelda: Wow, this author really KNOWS Link.

Link: Nobody knows me. I’m the wind, baby.

>>“When you’ve finished,” she said as the carnage slowed,

Rauru: Gorging isn’t carnage! It’s a thing of beauty!

>>“My servants will show you where you can have a hot bath,

DED: “Um, no, you don’t have to show me how to...no, no, you DON’T need to watch...”

>>and once you’ve washed I’ll reward you properly for saving me.”

Link: Wowm-chicka-wow!

Zelda: I know how to please.

>>“All of this is reward enough,” he protested.

DED: “Wollfuf dish ish...chomp chomp...rewurd ‘nuff! Chomp chomp slurp...”

>>“No, I have a far worthier reward in mind. I think you’ll enjoy it.”

Rauru: Zelda always has the BEST ideas!

DED: Hey, put ME down on her Christmas list!

>>“In that case, the sooner I tidy up the sooner I can be rewarded.”

Link: Yeah, baby!

>>Even under his light conversation, there was a certain solemnity to him

DED: (solemn) We shall fuck like wild animals, and it shall be good.

>>– though he couldn’t have been much older than herself

Zelda: It’s unthinkable, I say!

>>(and she a maiden of eighteen),

Rauru: If these stories were to be believed, no one over the age of 18 would be a virgin. Fucking would be as routine and as unavoidable as having to sign up with the draft board.

>>she saw in his eyes a bravery and wisdom far beyond his years.

Zelda: Everyone always says that about Link, and I’ll never know why.

DED: Perhaps all his wisdom is trapped there in his eyes, unavailable for use by his brain.

Link: My eyes could beat your eyes at checkers.

>>He smiled at her as he wiped his mouth (on the napkin this time) one final time,

Rauru: And then belched, and then hocked a big loogie into a wine glass.

Zelda: No, no, we know how YOU eat, we’re interested in how Link eats.

>>and she felt her breath quicken and her pulse start to pound.

DED: I wonder if Zelda had been planning to reward the person who saved her with sex, even before she knew who he was or what he looked like.

Link: “Ish you da prinshess? I’s here to rescue ya!”

>>As he followed the servants deeper into the castle,

Rauru: Ever deeper into the heart of darkness.

Zelda: There are no hearts of darkness in my castle. That I’m aware of.

>>she rose and darted through another door before she betrayed herself.

Link: Really? Masturbating is betraying oneself?

DED: I’m not sure that was the intent there.

>>*****

>>It was by far the most spacious bathroom Link had ever been in,

Link: And believe me, I am a true aficionado of bathrooms.

>>and already the huge basin – big enough to swim laps in

DED: That IS big.

Zelda: What a great idea! I’ll put it on the list.

>>– was filling with hot water from the gaping mouths of six marble lions.

Rauru: I always preferred to bathe in hot lion puke.

Zelda: Or you would prefer, if you ever got around to bathing.

>>His muscles, tired and sore from his adventure, cheered at the thought

Link: “Hey, shut up, muscles, I’m trying to concentrate!”

>>of such luxury. He needed no further convincing.

DED: He _was_ going to take a bath. There would be no turning back now.

>>He shrugged off his backpack

Link: Backpack? Wow! The wonders of fiction.

Rauru: You don’t need a backpack...you store all your heavy gear in the Negative Zone or something.

Link: I can never reveal my secret. Some things are too terrible for mortal minds to grasp.

>>and let it fall to the floor.

DED: Breaking EVERYTHING.

>>He unbuckled his belt and pulled off his boots, setting them aside.

Zelda: Wow, methodical.

>>Next he pulled off his hat and yanked his stained tunic over his head.

Rauru: This has all the riveting excitement and latent eroticism of a grocery list!

DED: Hee hee! Good one.

Rauru: I’m serious!

>>He tugged off his riding gloves and tossed them by his belt and boots.

Zelda: And he...yeah...took off his clothes.

Link: We get it.

>>Finally he peeled off his undershirt and leggings and, naked,

DED: Naked? Really? Is that what he was trying to do?

>>stepped into the steaming, soapy water.

Rauru: Paramedics arrived to find him dead at the scene, noting with sadness another rubber ducky fatality.

>>Zelda, meanwhile, watched her rescuer disrobe

Zelda: I did WHAT?

>>through the stained-glass eyes of a rearing gryphon statue,

Zelda: No freaking way! You have got to be kidding me!

DED: Hey, fanfic Zelda? Let me tell you something. If you plan to reward him with sex, you don’t NEED to watch him undress, because he’ll be undressing in front of you when you GIVE HIM THE REWARD!

>>sitting safely in an alcove on the other side of the hollow façade.

Rauru: Oui oui.

>>She knew he wasn’t trying to seduce

DED: Of COURSE he isn’t trying to seduce, he doesn’t fecking KNOW YOU’RE THERE!

>>– he hadn’t the guile for such, she saw

Link: You callin’ me a sissy?

>>– but watching each part of the well-toned Hylian appear

Zelda: As if by magic!

>>– from under clothing, from under dirt and grime –

DED: What “Underwater Fun” did for the comma, this story does for the dash.

Rauru: Truly, I will never look at the dash the same way again.

>>forced her to concentrate harder on her training.

Link: Wh...someone TRAINED her in masturbating?

>>Impa had told her

Zelda: Oh, Impa was one who trained me to masturbate? Well THAT figures.

>>that this day would come

Rauru: “Some day, little girl, you WILL hide behind a statue and watch a man get naked.”

DED: “It is...your _destiny._”

>>– that in order for peace to truly reign in Hyrule there would have to be a joining of the Triforces of Courage and Wisdom.

Zelda: Wouldn’t you need the other one?

Link: Apparently, we’ve downgraded to a Biforce.

>>After all, wisdom without the courage to act upon it was nothing, and courage without the wisdom to guide one’s actions was mere carelessness.

Rauru: But without Power...

DED: You can’t SEE any of it, ‘cause the lights won’t turn on!

Rauru: Da-dum, TSSH!

>>She had wisdom, and he courage… and so much more…

Zelda: He had stupid. Lots and lots of stupid.

Link: And like a bunch of organs and stuff.

Rauru: True fact: Link once stared at a carton of orange juice for three hours because it said, “CONCENTRATE.”

Link: I was just following orders!

>>Her hand idly

DED: Her hand-diddly?

>>caressed her clothed breast,

Rauru: That makes me think of those clothes you buy for dogs.

Zelda: Are you comparing my breast to a dog?

Link: I wouldn’t like fondling a dog nearly as much, that’s for sure.

>>almost unaware of what it was doing.

DED: Her breast? It was just sitting there.

Zelda: They don’t do all that much.

Link: And yet, we love them so.

Rauru: Yeah...as long as they come from a chicken.

>>She wondered what it would be like.

Zelda: What what would be like?

DED: Oh, come on, you know exactly what.

Zelda: Well, they haven’t actually mentioned anything about having sex yet.

>>She’d always imagined it would be beautiful and mystical,

Link: Or...well...sweaty and messy.

>>hardly taking any effort at all…

Rauru: Well, it might not take any effort for HER...

>>but Impa told her that the road to peace might well be difficult.

DED: And by “peace” she means “glorious cumshots.”

>>Surely it would be a simple matter, all things considered.

Zelda: It’s like those children’s toys where you put the right-shaped peg into the right-shaped hole.

>>But she would have to be patient a just bit longer.

Link: But I want it NOWWW!

Rauru: That bathtub’s as good a place as any.

>>She left the alcove and returned to her vanity table to let her handmaidens finish combing her hair.

DED: So all her handmaidens were just sitting there watching her do this? And they don’t object?

Zelda: That’s what I pay them not to do.

>>As the water shut itself off, Link took a handful of scrubbing sand from a tray

Link: Exfoliating industrial sandblaster. Not one of my better ideas.

>>at the edge of the tub and started scouring his skin, washing away the layers of grime

DED: If you need sandpaper to remove your grime...you have a serious grime problem.

Rauru: Take a bite out of grime.

>>that had collected during his quest.

Zelda: Link has an extensive grime collection.

>>He worked the sand through his hair,

Link: Oh, come on, WHY would you do that?

Rauru: Pantine Pro-V Conditioning Sand. It works miracles.

>>trying to ignore the way the water clouded as he rinsed.

DED: But he couldn’t ignore it...no, he could never ignore it...it would haunt him forever.

>>In the end his skin was raw and red, but at least he was clean,

Zelda: I wonder why he didn’t bathe BEFORE he ate dinner.

Link: Maybe he didn’t want to look like a red, sand-slathering moron at dinner.

Rauru: “So, did you see that Zen garden there next to the bathtub? The thing that was filled with san...wait...what kind of retard ARE you? You’ve GOT to be kidding me!”

>>and with a bit more work he would be presentable enough for the princess’ reward.

DED: Oh, she’s not picky.

>>Now, about a comb…

Rauru: A poem by Walt Whitman.

>>He turned to rummage through his backpack,

Link: Yep. Through thick and thin, on every adventure I always carried a comb in my backpack. Wouldn’t be caught dead without it.

>>but he was startled to see Princess Zelda standing there watching him.

DED: Oh, way to friggin’ go! What a dipstick!

Zelda: I am appalled by myself!

>>He instinctively grabbed his hat to cover himself,

Link: *chortle*

DED: It’s like a Benny Hill sketch!

>>even though there was little chance she could see anything.

Rauru: Yeah, it’s practically microscopic. We’re dealing with millimeters down there.

>>She smiled kindly,

DED: How kind of her to stand there watching him bathe.

>>not embarrassed by his state

Link: Why would SHE be embarrassed?

>>but also not mocking his discomfort.

Zelda: Mocking his discomfort? Am I some kind of harpy?

>>But she was a Princess… she wasn’t supposed to… see… this.

DED: Since when does being a princess disqualify you?

>>Was she?

Rauru: I think she will, sooner or later...

>>He was a Hylian commoner. A hero, to be sure, but a commoner all the same.

Link: There is NO upward mobility in this society.

Zelda: I’m fine with that.

DED: You would be.

>>And she was a princess.

Zelda: A princess? THE princess.

>>She’d cleaned up a hundred times better than he had,

Rauru: Scientists calculated it down to the third decimal point...and it was exactly one hundred.

>>her dirty and disheveled hair now glossy and falling in golden waves over her shoulders,

DED: Her dirty and disheveled shoulders.

>>held back from her face by the royal crown of Hyrule.

Rauru: And the royal crown of cola.

>>Her face, which had been stained with dirt and tears, was scrubbed clean and was,

Link: ...subsequently, re-done with a fine make-up of dirt and tears.

>>he saw, pale and beautiful and solemn.

DED: (solemn) Yes, I am smokin’ hot. You probably have an erection just from looking at me.

>>Her dirty and torn gown had been replaced with clean clothing,

Zelda: Well, you can’t fault me for inconsistency.

>>a white gown that was slit up both sides to the hips, revealing her slender legs.

Rauru: You are NOT leaving the house dressed like that, young lady!

>>And… yes. She was a babe. There was really no getting around that.

Zelda: Heeeeeeell mutherfuckin’ yeah.

Link: I’m so glad we live in a society where leadership is bestowed by right of hotness.

DED: God bless the Hylrulian Erotigarchy.

>>What reward could she have waiting for him?

Rauru: What COULD she be getting at?

>>Rupees? He’d collected his share of the gemstones during his travels, and didn’t feel he needed any more.

Link: I don’t care too, much for money, money can’t buy me love!

>>Food? That would be silly

Rauru: Food is NEVER silly!

>>– he’d already eaten until his stomach was fit to burst,

DED: It’s like looking into a mirror and seeing Rauru.

>>and food was a reward given to a trained dog, not someone who saved your life.

Link: Yeah, what the hell was I thinking? I feel stupid just for bringing it up.

>>Some sort of title?

Zelda: Link 2.0: The Future of Link.

DED: The Link of tomorrow, today!

>>He wasn’t sure if he could handle being a noble.

Rauru: He couldn’t handle a lifetime of unmitigated leisure?

>>Then what…

DED: What? What, I ask? What could she POSSIBLY have in mind?

>>“I have come to offer you the final part of your reward, Link,” she said,

Zelda: “And no, you DON’T need to put your clothes on.”

Link: Hey, wait, I AM still naked!

Rauru: Quite the time-saver.

>>and there was something a bit strange about the tone of her voice.

DED: WHAT? WHAT COULD IT CONCIEVABLY IMPLY?!?

>>He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but then again he didn’t pretend to know all there was about royalty and their ways.

Zelda: When royals make sexual overtures, it’s totally different.

Link: I bet.

>>“Well, where is it?” he asked, when there seemed to be nothing further.

Rauru: “Yeah, cough up the goods, bitch!”

>>“Right here,” she replied, spreading her hands slightly, “I offer you myself.”

DED: Offer valid in the 48 continental states. Taxes and acquisition fees may apply. Offer available for a limited time only.

>>Link was floored.

Zelda: “Get up off the floor, I’m trying to have sex with you!”

>>“What? But… but… why?” he sputtered intelligently.

DED: For the full effect, remember that he’s saying this line while covering his genitals with a hat.

>>He had no idea what she was getting at,

Link: Oh, God, I haven’t been this sex-retarded since “Sweet Blue!” And that was a long-ass time ago!

>>but it sounded like she was offering herself as a servant

Zelda: Swing and a miss.

>>– and he couldn’t possibly…

Rauru: Be any more stupid? No, indeed.

>>“In order for peace to reign,” she said, “Wisdom and courage must come together in a divine union.”

DED: “We must have sex for national security purposes.”

>>“Triforce of Wisdom and Triforce of Courage,” he said, nodding,

Link: Genius!

>>“You have Wisdom, I have Courage, and Ganon had Power. But we got the Triforce of Power… so everything should be fine – right?”

Rauru: I’d say for Link, everything is fine and dandy right about now.

>>“Ganon desired power, but he was a coward and a fool.

DED: But at least he was a powerful cowardly fool.

>>In order to truly unite the three Triforces, one must have courage and wisdom as well.

Zelda: I think you’ve established that fact.

DED: They still don’t have Power.

Link: I’VE GOT THE POWAH!

>>You are courage, and I am wisdom. Do you understand?”

Rauru: “Do I need to speak slower? HAVE...SEX...WITH...ME!”

>>“I… think so?” He did not move from the bath, not noticing that the dirty water had already been recycled out and replaced with fresh water.

DED: Ah, he has overlooked one critical fact!

Link: I am certain that his not noticing the replacement of the dirty water will be the lynchpin of this whole story.

>>She closed her eyes and sighed, gathering her remaining patience.

Zelda: Welcome to my life.

>>By the three Goddesses, why did Link have to be so dense?

DED: That is a good, good question.

>>She decided, finally, to try the direct approach.

Link: Femrapeage!

Rauru: You’re doing it again.

>>“Link, come here.”

DED: Pointing to her face.

>>He glanced down. “But—“

“Now.” He looked up sharply at the note of command in her voice.

Zelda: I cannot beLIEVE I would have to resort to this.

Rauru: She must want it REALLY BAD.

>>“Yes, my Princess.”

DED: I am actively HOPING a woman shows up and orders me to have sex with her.

>>Still holding his hat to shield himself from female eyes

Zelda: He should try a lead sheet.

>>(for no woman had ever seen him naked since his mother bathed him as a small child),

Link: I never had a mother. I think I sprang from the thigh of Zeus.

>>he stepped out of the bath and walked over to her,

Zelda: Well, he can’t exactly stride confidently while holding a hat over his groin.

>>leaving a trail of dripping water in his wake. He bit his lip.

Rauru: Performance anxiety.

>>She regarded him critically.

DED: “Thank you, next!”

>>Whenever the Oracles spoke of the Hero of Time, they described him as though he was some untouchable paladin

Link: Can’t touch this!

>>made of rainbows and sunlight

Zelda: What the hell kind of goofy-ass oracles are YOU listening to?

>>and not subject to things like fear, anger, hatred, or lust.

DED: So, a robot, basically.

Rauru: Herobot: Equipped with high-speed valor-mo-tron and advanced brave-onostics.

>>But it was clear to Zelda that the Hero of Time was, in fact, a mortal man,

Link: Although he actually can’t be injured except by silver blessed with holy water.

Rauru: Which I guess explains why you’re still alive.

>>crafted of flesh and blood – and what flesh it was!

Zelda: I LOVE YOUR FLESH!

>>While he still had the natural leanness of late adolescence, he was not overly gangly.

Rauru: Well, I guess THAT’s the best thing you can say about him.

>>While she knew not a thing about him,

DED: Well, she knows he likes sand with his shower.

>>his well-built physique spoke of an early life in the country,

Link: Or just the ownership of a home gym.

>>his sinewy arms shaped just as much by slinging bales of hay as by swinging a sword.

Zelda: I find that a little presumptuous, no?

>>His shoulders, though not as broad as those of more seasoned soldiers,

Rauru: His shoulders are tiny and inadequate.

>>were square and firm, and his strong chest segued smoothly into a stomach

DED: Which then transitioned flawlessly into a pair of legs, which ended with...

>>that had been coaxed by hard living into a tidy muffin-tin of abdominal muscles.

Link: Yep, every guy aspires to have muffin-tin abs.

>>She stepped closer and touched his shoulder, caressing it lightly.

Rauru: “May I touch you...clavicle?”

>>She lifted her other hand, brushing his dirty-blond forelock back from his brow

Zelda: I just could NOT make out with someone if I couldn’t see their forehead.

>>– and then lightly brushed her fingertips along the length of his pointed ears,

DED: Those ears...they’re hot.

>>making him gasp and shiver at the unexpected sensation of pleasure.

Link: That WOULD be unexpected, because I honestly DON’T expect pleasure to come from someone touching my ears.

>>When she was sure she had his full attention (as if she’d had anything less than that since he’d noticed she was in the room)

Zelda: I dunno. Link’s mind can wander off easily.

Link: You ever wonder why you never see squirrel poop?

Rauru: You’re not kidding, Zelda.

Link: I’LL tell you why: the multibillion-dollar squirrel-poop industry doesn’t want you to know you can get it free off the sidewalk! So they send their robot poop collectors! They come by night to America’s streets!

>>she leaned in and softly kissed his mouth.

DED: Well, that’s nice. Usually they go kissing somewhere goofy like the eyelids.

>>His eyes widened briefly in surprise – but then realization dawned.

Zelda: So THAT’S what she’s been getting at! I was wondering!

>>He might have been unschooled in such things,

Link: I didn’t even know there WAS a school for these things!

>>but he was neither naïve nor a fool,

Rauru: Although you’ve just spent pages and pages establishing that he is both.

>>and he now had a fair idea of what all her hints meant for him.

DED: “Wait, I GET it now!”

Zelda: He’s finally pieced together this devious conundrum!

>>He closed his eyes and lost himself in the sensation,

Rauru: But face it, Link gets lost on the way from his bed to the closet.

>>tasting her mouth, feeling her lips against his…

DED: You know...this is without a doubt the longest distance between the removal of the clothes and the having of sex we’ve ever encountered.

>>She broke away briefly. “Touch me, Link,” she breathed.

Link: “The machinations of destiny require it!”

Zelda: “Quickly, before it’s too late!”

>>“Where?” he asked huskily.

“Anywhere you like.”

DED: “Well, not THERE...n...no, not there either...look, do you know ANYTHING?”

>>He looked at Zelda, her pale cheeks now flushed pink with excitement and need.

Link: Now, Zelda doesn’t just _want_ to have sex with Link. That’ childish. Zelda _needs_ it. And when you have a need, that’s a responsibility.

>>“Yes, my Princess,” he whispered.

Rauau: I guess that would be the “divine right?”

>>He fastened his mouth on hers again,

Zelda: He’s a lamprey of luuuuve.

>>and within a few seconds he felt her tongue

DED: “Seconds” seems kind of long...

>>probe inquisitively at his teeth.

Link: Knock knock!

Zelda: Who’s there?

Link: Tongue?

Zelda: Tongue who?

Link: ...um...orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

>>He opened his mouth, losing himself in the curious salty-sweet taste

Rauru: Curiously Strong.

>>of her tongue. He pulled her close, pinning his hat between them

DED: I CAN’T BELIEVE THE HAT IS STILL FUCKING THERE!

Link: Look, hat, geez, you’re a third wheel! Figure it out!

>>and allowing his battle-roughened hands

Zelda: Oh, yes, sandpaper me with your twisted paws!

>>to explore her,

Rauru: Tally ho and pip pip!

>>sliding round her slender waist to the small of her back

Zelda: Well, he’s off to a quick start.

>>and feeling the mesh of lacing that held her gown in place and, between the lacing, the smooth skin of her otherwise bare back.

DED: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, my head just exploded! That was not just a run-on sentence...that is what it sounds like when you FUCK GRAMMAR IN THE ASS.

Rauru: You leave my grandma out of this!

DED: GOD, IT’S SO HORRIBLE!

>>He quested upwards

Link: I like to think of all my sexual activity as a quest.

>>and readily located the knot that held the laces closed

Zelda: Link makes a bee-line for anything that makes clothes come off.                             

>>between her shoulder-blades. He tugged experimentally at a loose end,

DED: Well, wouldn’t he then have to have a control Zelda wearing a control dress that he doesn’t tug on?

>>and the bow gave way in an instant.

Rauru: I’m thinking about Zelda must have spent hours, using mirrors, carefully adjusting the knot on her back, tightening a tiny bit, loosening a tiny bit, all so that it would come off with a little tug, all so Link won’t have to waste any time undressing her.

Link: I feel so...appreciated.

>>She stepped back from him momentarily,

Zelda: This always sounds like some kind of silly dance.

>>pulling her gown off her shoulders with a deliberate slowness that she knew would raise his anticipation,

Link: Oh, yes. It drives me absolutely wild when you TAKE YOUR SWEET FUCKING TIME.

>>the silky fabric teasing at her hardening nipples.

Rauru: So it’s all for HER benefit!

>>He marveled at her small breasts

Link: HEY! It’s a story about a person with small breasts!

Rauru: And the person’s not a twelve-year-old!

Link: I’m vindicated!

Zelda: Unfortunately, the person is me...

Link: Oh, Zelda, I’d love you no matter how you looked.

Zelda: That’s sweet.

Link: Unless you looked like a lobster. I think I’d start seeing other people if you looked like a lobster.

Zelda: Oh. Well, I guess...

Link: Or if you looked like Ernest Borgnine.

>>when they were finally exposed,

Rauru: FINALLY!

>>as an explorer would marvel at any priceless treasure once he has found it.

DED: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Boob.

>>He cupped one reverently,

Link: “I HAVE FOUND RELIGION!”

>>brushing the pad of his thumb across her pink areola and the pebble of her nipple in a way that made her gasp

Rauru: “You are SHOCKINGLY bad at this!

>>– he might not be a seasoned lover,

Zelda: Well, I don’t usually like seasoned lovers. I usually eat ‘em plain, with ketchup and a little salt.

Link: AAAAAAAH! SHE’S A PRAYING MANTIS!

>>but there was something to be said for instinct!

DED: For example, “It is an eight-letter word that starts with I.”

>>He bent and started fluttering light kisses over the firm orb,

Zelda: They’re not really orb-shaped, so much.

Rauru: Unless they’re fake. Which, for the record, they’re NOT. (looks proud)

DED: God, Rauru, just...God.

>>working his way in a gentle spiral towards her nipple,

Link: Really _working_ at it.

Zelda: Put your back into it!

>>and upon reaching it he closed his mouth over the pink flesh and suckled at it.

DED: So the author has apparently decided that “suckled” is exactly the same as “sucked” in all ways except that it’s better to write “suckled” every single time.

Rauru: That’s actually kind of true.

>>She moaned softly, feeling his tongue flickering at the very apex of her nipple within his mouth.

Zelda: It must be very awkward for them to be doing this standing up.

Rauru: Link would have to be all bent over.

>>He released her nipple but continued tracing its outline with his tongue,

DED: Probably not with a great deal of accuracy, buuuuut...

>>at this point vaguely aware that there was really no further need to hold his hat in place,

Zelda: Vague awareness is Link’s bread and butter.

Rauru: Or his meat and potatoes.

Zelda: I guess you could say that.

Rauru: Or his carrot cake and oysters Rockefeller.

Zelda: Now you’re just making stupid.

Rauru: Or his whipped cream and duck à l’orânge.

>>as it hung tidily from his swelling erection.

Link: Hat-condom.

Zelda: Oh, HELL no.

DED: I like the way you say you “wear” a condom, like it was a sweater vest or a pair of loafers or something.

>>His hands slid around her hips, venturing under the skirt

Link: I’m going on an adventure!

Rauru: This would make for a very strange Dora the Explorer episode.

DED: Um...no kidding...

>>of her gown to cup her tight buttocks,

Zelda: I never thought buttocks were things you “cup.”

Link: Well, it doesn’t really come up that often.

>>unencumbered as they were by whatever underwear he might imagine princesses wore

Rauru: That’s a long way to go to say “she wasn’t wearing panties.”

DED: Since when does underwear “encumber” your butt?

Link: “Oh, man, I can barely walk! This underwear is KILLING me!”

>>under their clothing.

Zelda: ‘s why they call it “underwear.”

>>She clutched at him,

DED: Clutching strikes me as a very unromantic thing to do.

>>tweaking the sensitive tips of his ears between her fingertips

Link: No, see, this is a reason NOT to love someone.

>>“Take me, Link,”

Rauru: “Okay, where?”

>>she moaned as he seized her nipple between his teeth and pulled lightly at it.

DED: Trying to figure out the logistics here...Zelda would have to be like twelve feet tall, or Link would have to be crouching.

Zelda: Just lie down somewhere. It’s so much better for your back.

>>He did not bother to reply now,

Link: “Yeah, whatever.”

>>not even with his previous affirmations of obedience to her,

Zelda: Damn right.

Link: You can’t chain me. I’m free, baby.

>>but glanced around briefly until he found a divan not far away.

DED: Ah, finally!

Rauru: They’re going to engage in one of my favorite activities: Sitting!

Link: There is nothing I enjoy more than taking a sit.

>>He picked her up easily,

Zelda: Would it bother you if your date could fling you around like a rag doll?

DED: Well, what is she? Like a seven out of ten?

>>wrapping her thighs around his waist

Link: Wait, HE wrapped her thighs around his OWN waist? W...why? How?

>>so that she could feel his hardness

Rauru: Come on, feel the hardness!

DED: I wonder what he rates on the Mohs scale.

Zelda: NERRRRRRRRRRRRD!

>>against her eager sex

Link: What IS it with that? I mean, I don’t go around calling things what they’re FOR instead of what they ARE...

Rauru: How could I countenance going around saying things like, “Hand me a tissue, I need to blow my smell?”

DED: I would never forgive you.

>>through the delicate fabric of her gown. He traversed the few steps to the divan

Link: “Okay, we’ll make base camp here, we should be there before sundown...”

>>and lay her down on it as though she were made of porcelain.

Zelda: With the same care and affection he would show were he laying a toilet on a divan.

DED: So if I had thought he was laying her down as though she were made of, say, terra cotta, I would be missing some fundamental aspect of the way in which he was laying her down?

>>She tweaked her skirt aside to reveal her mysterious core,

Rauru: But the core is the part of the apple you throw away.

>>surrounded by a patch of silky silver-blond that only served to tantalize him further.

Link: I will never understand why women shave their crotch hair.

DED: It’s like, are you TRYING to be more attractive to pedophiles?

>>She drew her knees up and spread them to show the swollen clit guarding her secret entrance.

Rauru: “What’s the password?”

Link: “Do you have an appointment?”

DED: Hey, it beats the hell out of working mall security.

>>He knelt before her and lowered his head to her throbbing bud of flesh,

Zelda: Throbbing flesh bud? It’s like something out of Alien.

DED: But it’s happening right in your very own underwear!

Rauru: You can live your own sci-fi adventure...every time you go to the bathroom!

Link: We’re getting into a whole weird area here.

>>smelling the musky odor of femininity that surrounded it.

DED: Like a miasma of death.

Zelda: I BEG your PARDON!?

>>His tongue snaked out

Rauru: Snack out? Don’t mind if I do.

>>and flickered

DED: N...no it didn’t. That word is...not...what it did.

>>at her treasure,

Link: Arr, baby.

Zelda: XXX marks the spot.

>>rewarding him with Zelda’s cry of pleasure and a gush of fluid

Rauru: GAH!

DED: You call that a REWARD?

>>from her innermost slit.

Zelda: Female ejaculation...I’m not even sure WHY authors would WANT to pretend it happens.

>>He slid two fingers inside her,

Link: Sliiiiide to the left!

>>feeling her fleshy walls contract around them

Rauru: It’s like some kind of mafia torture device.

DED: Um...I have to say it’s not a very intimidating torture device.

>>as she writhed in ecstasy.

Link: Writhing is very hit-or-miss. You’re either doing something very right, or very, very wrong.

>>He continued licking and suckling at her clit,

Zelda: Yeah, this story just plain suckles.

>>sliding his now-wet fingers in and out of her until she crested and climaxed

DED: THAT was fast!

Rauru: Really fast!

>>with a high-pitched whine of pleasure,

Link: Dogs going nuts all over the place...

>>her sex clamping down so hard around his fingers that he wondered if he might ever get them back.

Rauru: Ah, the ol’ “douching with Krazy Glue.”

DED: I can think of worse fates.

Zelda: For the guy, maybe. I would be pretty fucking pissed.

>>She slumped back on the divan, gasping for breath.

Link: Yep, the two words I think of most when I think of sex are “slumped” and “gasping.”

DED: Hey, Rauru, it’s like looking into your future.

>>“By the three Goddesses,” she panted, “Where did you learn to do that?”

Link: “Back of a Cocoa Puffs box, why?”

>>He shrugged. “It seemed right at the time,” he offered,

Zelda: “If only I could have known the terrible ramifications...”

>>finally withdrawing his fingers.

Rauru: You can have those back...really.

>>She sat up. “But it’s not right that I should have all the reward.

DED: Wh...hey, YEAH! You’re RIGHT!

Link: This is barely a reward for me at all!

Zelda: You know, I think the REAL reward here is the blackmail possibilities that having casual sex with members of the aristocracy gives you.

Rauru: That, or he could just sell out to the tabloids and rake in the cash.

>>After all, you are the Hero of Time, and a hero deserves a hero’s reward.”

Zelda: Oh, is THAT why they call it a _hero’s_ reward!

>>She saw that his erection was still going strong,

DED: In these uncertain times, it’s comforting to know that Link’s erection is still going strong.

Rauru: Um, well, maybe not comforting for me, personally.

DED: Or me, actually.

Zelda: It’s not even particularly comforting to me.

Link: Well...it IS comforting to ME, and that’s what counts.

>>and she got a devilish smile on her face. “Stand up, Link.

Zelda: “You look ridiculous!”

>>I want you to receive your reward on your feet.”

Link: Oh, it’s okay, I don’t mind you lying around on a sofa while I stand here like a fucking statue all day.

DED: Oh, come on. Like you’d be complaining.

>>Conscious of the throbbing in his groin

Rauru: Th...throbbing? Now I’m really confused.

>>and the hard branch of his erection

DED: You know, Cheney’s not a part of the executive branch.

Zelda: And I’m guessing he’s not a part of the hard erection branch, either.

Link: As funny as that would be.

>>still sheathed almost comically within his hat,

DED: WHAT the FUCK?!? Comically? No fuckin’ kidding!

>>he got uncomfortably to his feet.

Rauru: Ow! Ow! Standing hurts!

>>She knelt on the floor in front of him

Link: She should wear kneepads, like a construction worker.

>>and whipped the hat away,

DED: Oh, YAY! Woo.

Rauru: THANK you.

Zelda: I was afraid this story was going to plunge further into goofball country.

>>tossing it unconcernedly over her shoulder

DED: Ahh, the unconcerned, heedless incaution of a person removing a hat from a penis.

Zelda: Little realizing the chain of events her reckless hat-tossing had set into motion.

>>as she regarded his hard cock and the companion balls

Link: Lefty! Righty! My most loyal companions!

Rauru: I don’t know, but I don’t think I’ve regarded a lot of cocks in my time.

DED: Subject: Re: Cock.

>>that hung beneath that seemed to tighten slightly under her scrutiny.

Zelda: Why exactly would I be scrutinizing them so carefully?

Link: They have to pass inspection.

>>She wrapped her hand around his erection,

Rauru: Well, that’s one of the two things she could be doing...

>>hearing him gasp in response, and slid her tongue around the smooth, slightly purplish head.

Rauru: And hey! There’s the other thing!

DED: I wonder if any of Zelda’s handmaidens got curious and started looking at this from where Zelda was looking.

>>His knees almost buckled

Zelda: Huh. I kinda expected more out of the guy who saved the whole world.

>>as she licked her way up the length of his shaft

Link: Zelda---licking her way to the top.

DED: Sounds like a career self-help book, “Lick Your Way to the Top.”

>>from balls to tip,

Rauru: You missed a spot!

>>and he gave a hoarse moan

DED: I just can’t help but think the constant, discordant noises being made would ruin the whole blowjob.

>>when she took him into her mouth.

Zelda: That’s the kind of sentence that if you didn’t know better, would make less than zero sense.

>>His length was such that she could only take in half of him

DED: Well...try harder.

>>before she started to gag,

Link: This is the one aspect of blowjob scenes where I don’t mind the suspension of realism, as long as it means we don’t have to talk about gagging on cocks.

>>but he didn’t care

Rauru: Why in the hell would HE care?

>>– what she was doing was beyond anything he’d ever felt before.

DED: So SHE doesn’t mind gagging, because it feels good for HIM? Man, that’s the kind of dedication you want to see in your first-round pick.

Zelda: Um...of what do you speak?

DED: She brings a solid cock-sucking game to the lineup, as well as the exceptional stripping skill this team has been hurting for.

>>She suckled at his balls,

Link: Wow. Suckle is the new black.

>>taking them into her mouth one at a time

Rauru: Ah, what fresh hell is this?

>>and then, teasingly, releasing them,

DED: “GAAH, don’t do that, you horrible, horrible woman!”

>>as her hand continued to stroke his shaft with a rhythm that was making his hips respond,

Zelda: Just gotta dance!

>>thrusting to meet her strokes until he could barely stand it anymore,

Link: This hot sex is just INTOLERABLE!

>>and all the while her fingers danced across her sex,

Rauru: Let us dance.

>>flicking her thumb across her clit and sliding two fingers in and out of her entrance.

DED: JESUS. MOTHER. FUCKING. CHRIST. If that run-on sentence wasn’t a sign of the end of the world, I don’t know what is.

Zelda: Geez, Dave. It’s just a wonky sentence.

DED: Okay. Let me re-quote that sentence to you, minus our hilarious commentary. Ready?

Link: Um...

DED: “She suckled at his balls, taking them into her mouth one at a time, and then, teasingly, releasing them, as her hand continued to stroke his shaft with a rhythm that was making his hips respond, thrusting to meet her strokes until he could barely stand it anymore, and all the while her fingers danced across her sex, flicking her thumb across her clit and sliding two fingers in and out of her entrance.”

All: *stunned silence*

DED: NOW DO YOU BELIEVE?!?

>>“I want you,” he growled hoarsely,

Rauru: I didn’t think horses were known for growling.

>>almost savagely, “I want you now.”

Zelda: “Yeah, but want me for what purpose?”

>>“Yes, my Hero,” she whispered

Link: Yeah! That is what I call taking COMMAND of the situation!

>>as he drew her up to her feet,

DED: This is the most vertical sex I’ve ever seen.

Rauru: Going up to a girl and saying, “Let’s get vertical” lacks that certain punch.

>>pressing her close to him so that she could feel his pulsing organ press against her abdomen.

Zelda: As reasons go, that’s a pretty flimsy one.

>>He reached down, slipping a hand beneath her skirt

DED: Wait, she’s still wearing a skirt? What the deuce?

>>to probe at her center with his fingers.

Rauru: If by “center” you mean “center, of her crotch, where her vagina is.”

>>To his delight, she was still wet

Link: How deLIGHTful!

>>and, to judge by her moan of response, ready for him again.

DED: Isn’t that like saying a basketball hoop is ready for action immediately after you shoot a basket?

Zelda: And just what the hell do YOU pretend to know about this subject?!

>>He sat her astride the divan

Rauru: And placing a finger aside of his nose...

>>and pulled her skirt aside,

Link: That thing is really getting in the way.

>>guided his cock to her sodden entrance,

DED: Ugh. Sodden.

Zelda: A word that NO ONE wants applied to their private parts.

>>and with no further hesitation,

Rauru: What’s there to hesitate about?

DED: “Hold on, I better check with my supervisor...”

>>thrust inside of her.

Link: Ding!

>>She cried out hoarsely,

Rauru: Both of them seem to need a lozenge.

>>both in pleasure and at the brief pain of her maidenhead breaking.

Link: Oh, yes, great. Thanks for bringing that up, I was wondering so deeply.

>>She could feel him inside her like a dagger in a wound – but so, so much better!

Zelda: What? How could ANYTHING feel better than a dagger wound?

DED: “It felt better than being stabbed...” That’s kind of damning with faint praise, you think?

>>He slid out slowly until he nearly left her entirely,

Rauru: “Uh, are we done, or...?”

>>and then thrust suddenly back in.

Link: WOO-HA!

Zelda: Bet you didn’t see THAT coming, didja?

>>She arched her back in pleasure,

DED: Sensors detect trace amounts of eroticism in this story.

>>wrapping her legs around him

Rauru: This looks and sounds like the worst possible way to have sex EVER.

>>and shifting her hips to meet him as he continued his thrusting, slowly at first but increasing in tempo.

Zelda: Tempo is important.

>>It was exactly right

Link: Hooray! I finally did something right on the first try!

>>– exactly as the prophecy had ordained!

DED: “First shall ye giveth the Hero a blowjob, remembering to suck well upon his balls, and then...”

>>Her core was filling with fire,

Rauru: So that’s what they mean by “fire in the hole.”

>>her fingertips crackled with sparks of magic

Link: Wow! You’ve never done THAT before...

DED: Oh, oh, it’s magic!

>>as she cried out with every glorious perfect stroke

Zelda: You know, Tiger Woods just had a baby. I guess this must have been what it was like...

Link: ...

DED: ...

Link: I don’t get it.

Zelda: Glorious perfect stroke? Golf strokes? Babies? Sex? Y...oh, never mind.

>>inside of her – Wisdom and Courage in a fiery union

Rauru: Only on Pay-Per-View!

>>that would spell the end of war within Hyrule!

Link: Wow, this makes the S.A.L.T. treaties look like a big pile of crap!

Zelda: Make love, not war!

>>His fingertips dug into her thighs

Rauru: Man. Sex sucks.

DED: They should put warning labels on condoms or romantic moves, like they do on heavy machinery, that say, “WARNING: SERIOUS INJURY OR DEATH.”

Link: I can’t decide if that’s funny or all too true.

>>hard enough that they would certainly leave bruises behind

Zelda: I do bruise easily.

>>– but she didn’t care.

DED: Because she’s a masochist.

>>She only wanted more

Rauru: Greed, for lack of a better term, is good.

>>– more of this great hero who saved her and her country.

Link: Well, you know, there’s only a limited amount of me.

>>She felt it coming,

Zelda: Nice word choice.

>>at first like her previous climax but soon proving to be much more powerful

Rauru: Well, yeah, last time you weren’t shooting frickin’ lightning bolts out of your eyes.

DED: I tell ya, Link’s semen does some weird stuff.

Zelda: It’s made of, like, the Fifth Element or something.

>>– It was the Sign, the proof that the union was the true one.

Link: Um, yeah, sex doesn’t cause fireworks to shoot out of your hands any old time.

Rauru: There are things about the Triforce I had absolutely no idea were true.

Zelda: And if the Sage of frickin’ Light doesn’t know about them...

>>There was no stopping it now,

Rauru: Nothing can stop it now! NOTHING, do you hear me? NOTHING! WAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

>>any more than there was any stopping the primal rhythm that had begun in the bath chamber,

Link: Hey, that’s RIGHT! They ARE in a bath chamber! Thanks for reminding me, story!

>>each stroke tearing a raw cry of pleasure from both their throats

DED: Huh. Synchronized Fucking.

Rauru: It’s a new sport at the Olympixxx.

>>until, at the cusp, Zelda’s eyes snapped wide, glowing white with the pure fire of righteousness

Zelda: Friggin’ sweet!

DED: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE SHATTERER OF WORLDS!!!

>>as her inner muscles tightened around him, driving him over the edge as well.

Link: I’m scared by the idea that orgasm is like falling off of something.

>>She felt his fluids spurt within her

Rauru: If ejaculation were in a comic book, what comic book sound effect would it have?

DED: What in the hell are you talking about?

Rauru: I’m just making conversation.

>>as she was rocked, again and again,

Link: Let there be Rock.

>>with what seemed like a neverending series of orgasms

DED: Now THIS is what should have happened in the clouds at the end of Ocarina.

Zelda: A confusing story should have happened?

>>before they fell, gasping and exhausted, into each other’s arms

Rauru: I wish I had a nice woman whose arms I could fall into whenever I’m gasping and exhausted. Which, I guess it’s obvious, happens a lot.

Link: Rauru, the woman would have to be made of reinforced concrete.

Rauru: I’m not picky.

>>on the divan, their sweat mingling together.

DED: Fluids. Ruin. The shit. Out of stories.

>>It was done.

Zelda: Thank God THAT’S over! I was really getting sick of having both vast magical power and a mind-blowing orgasm all at the same time.

>>The spell had been sealed, and with it Hyrule’s destiny was ensured.

Link: So. That’s why you have sex with me, Zelda. Just to keep the tottering, oppressive Hyrulian monarchy alive.

Zelda: Link, you’re not making sense.

Link: All the “I love you’s,” all the warm caresses and gentle smiles...all of it a hollow lie.

Zelda: Link, for God’s sake, it’s just a stor...

Link: YOU DON’T LOVE ME! YOU _NEVER_ LOVED ME!

Rauru: I think you’re misinterpreting the fa...

Link: SHUT THE FUCK UP FAT MAN, THIS AIN’T NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS!

>>Link finally slid out of her and rolled aside to lie next to her on the divan.

DED: I wonder if Link has the slightest clue what just happened.

Rauru: Or whether he knows that THIS result is not typical.

Zelda: “Yeah, I went on a date, but she sucked in the sack. I mean, her eyes didn’t even glow with burning divine radiance.”

>>He looked pensively at the ceiling for a few moments,

DED: After sex, it’s always best to spend a few moments contemplating the ceiling.

Link: It really puts things in perspective.

>>and then glanced over at Zelda.

“I’d like to apologize in advance, Princess,” he said gravely.

Rauru: He really sucks the fun out of all this, doesn’t he?

>>She gave him a startled look. “For what?” she blurted,

Zelda: “For the way I’m going to trap you in a suffocating, unfulfilling relationship in which my own incompetence makes your own life practically unlivable.”

Link: If I didn’t know better, I’d be insulted by that.

Zelda: Thank God you don’t know better.

Link: Yeah, no kidding.

>>“That was wonderful! It was perfect, in fact!”

DED: Superteriffic extra-special A+!

>>He looked concerned. “That’s the problem, Princess.

Rauru: “Now that we’ve achieved perfection, we will no doubt be subsumed into the consciousness of space itself, becoming one with the null dimension of unchangeable epitomized transcendence.”

>>I’m not entirely sure I’ll be able to do that again.”

Zelda: So he’s reasonably, but not entirely, sure that he won’t be able to fuck me so well that my eyes shoot blinding white light made of pure ecstasy.

Link: I actually am entirely sure that that won’t happen again.

>>There were a few moments of silence, and then Zelda burst into a fit of helpless giggles.

DED: “Ha ha ha, silly boy! We’re never having sex again, are you crazy?”

Link: Anyway, now that it’s over, I gotta say...I liked this story. Why? Because for the first time, I actually get REWARDED for doing something good. And damn is it a fine reward.

Rauru: And for me, that eating a banquet scene in the beginning will live forever in the annals of my mind.

Zelda: Link, I always reward you whenever you do something right! It’s the only way you’ll learn!

Link: Yeah...I guess. Those cookies you give me are pretty frickin’ sweet.

DED: So THAT’S how you do it.

Zelda: Now be a good boy and go get me an orange soda.

Link: Will you give me wild sexings, like in the story?

Zelda: No, and you’re looking to lose your cookie too.

Link: Sorry! Sorry!