Friday, June 22, 2012

Classic MST: "A Birthday Gift" by Tree007

In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space

We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:

Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “Sometimes nothin’ is a real cool hand!”
Rauru! “Keep on snackin’ in the free world!”
Zelda! “I could teach you, but I’d have to charge!”
Link! “This shit IS bananas!”
If you don’t get how he stays alive                
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!

“A Birthday Gift” by Tree007

>>"What do you want with me Vaati?"

DED: I have three guesses. And the second two don’t count.

>>The shaking princess asked desperately.

Link: “I vant your BLOOD!”

>>Everything happened in a flash.


>>First she was going back to her chambers in the Royal Palace, tired from her 18th birthday celebration

DED: Oh, uh huh.

Rauru: Yeah, well, it could be worse.

Zelda: You can say that again.

Rauru: Yeah, well, it could be worse.

Zelda: I can’t say ANYTHING around you, can I?

>>when out of nowhere a gust of wind surrounded her and then everything went black.

DED: Oh, I’ve heard of this, this is the “date-rape breeze.”

Link: I’m betting like half the guests at her 18th birthday party were waiting to abduct her. Hey, she’s legal!

Zelda: The hell do I pay the guards for, anyway?

>>Now fully awake she found herself stretched over a very large bed.

DED: Naked and having sex.

>>Sitting up slowly,

Link: ...she noticed all the naked cocks.

>>she placed her hand on her head.

Rauru: So as to better have sex...with a person.

DED: Oookay.

>>"Have a headache?"

Zelda: “Want one?”

>>A cool voice said, getting the princess's attention.

Link: And then sex happened.

DED: That’s enough now.


RauruNObody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

>>The shocked princess exclaimed, her head pounding slight harder.

Link: So don’t FUCKIN’ EXCLAIM anything, you stupid bitch!

>>Yes that is how things began, but that was a good ten minutes ago.

Rauru: Wait, what?  What? When?

DED: Rauru...

Rauru: We got sucked into a time portal!

DED: Rauru!

Rauru: A terrible future where apes evolved from men?

DED: Shut up, now!




Link: Hey, wait, what was this Vaati fellow doing for ten minutes? Just sitting there?

>>The princess began pacing the room nervously, trying to understand why she was captured

Zelda: Oh ho ho ho ho ho, I think I know why.

>>and why he, that evil demon, was just sitting there acting like nothing had happen.

DED: Maybe it wasn’t him?

>>What was he trying to pull?

Link: The fuck is this shit?

>>"Well," she tried once more, her voice almost failing on her. "What do you want?"
Rauru: I want...a uniform.

>>Vaati, who sat back in a comfortable push chair,

Link: Nude.

DED: Link...the joke is over. Go home.

>>smiled, taking out his dagger,

Zelda: Really! Hmm. This might be the only time I find myself wanting to see myself stabbed to death...because the alternative is worse.

>>he kept his eyes on the princess and noticed her pupils widen at the sight of the sharp metal.

Link: Well, if he was GOING to stab her, he probably wouldn’t have gone to so much trouble.

DED: Also, your pupils get smaller when you’re scared, not wider.

Zelda: Thank you, Mr. Wizard.

>>He picked up an orange from the table beside him and used the dagger to peel the orange. 
Rauru: Dangerous and unnecessary? Sounds good!

>>"Princess Zelda," he said coolly.

Link: “Surprised to see me?”

Zelda: “No.”

Link: “Then you’re aware of it. Our...connection. Perhaps some part of you imprinted onto me, something overwritten or copied...”

DED: All right, all right.

>>"It has come to my attention that today is your 18th birthday

Rauru: “And, according to the laws set forth by the government of this state, it is now permissible for me to engage in sexual intercourse with you as a consenting adult. I would like to make the proposition that...”

>>and me, being the thoughtful person that I am,

Zelda: “...knocked you unconscious and abducted you. See? Thoughtful!”

>>have a birthday gift for you."

Link: (sensually) “Itsa Blockbuster gift card.”

>>This stopped Zelda in her tracks. A birthday day gift?

Rauru: Birthday gift, yesss...he is a wily one.

Zelda: You just can’t trust birthday presents.

DED: And if you can’t trust birthday presents, what can you trust?

>>What was he playing at?

Rauru: Ah, he was playing at Mercutio in their production of Romeo and Juliet.

>>"You could have given it to me at my birthday celebration today," she said matter-o-factly.

Link: “Hey, you’re RIGHT! Why didn’t I think of that?”

>>"Nonsense Zelda," Vaati said. "I had better things to do than show up to something like that."

Rauru: PWNED!

Zelda: Well, I probably didn’t invite him anyway.

DED: But, apparently, he DOESN’T have anything better to do than to kidnap heads of state in order to give them gifts. This guy needs to prioritize.

>>She watched him as he popped a section of the orange into his mouth, eating it slow, suggestive motions

Link: Suggestive of...eating oranges.

Rauru: Well, this is new.

>>that shortened the breath in Zelda's lungs

DED: Well, that’s helpfully specific!

Link: Were they the ones in her chest, or am I mistaken?

>>and made her realize her temper and temperature were rising

Rauru: Oh, sweet, luscious orange, with your high vitamin C content, you make me so hot...

Link: I don’t want, anybody else, when I think about oranges I touch myself...

>>and how uncomfortable she was beginning to feel.
Zelda: In this situation, someone eating oranges would not be high on my list of sources of discomfort.

Link: Somewhere below “He might kill me” and “The bed is lumpy."

>>Her gaze darted from him to the door on the other side of the room. From the door to him. From him to the door...

DED: From him, to the side, to the door, back to the side, to him, to the door, to him...

Rauru: ...and then she kind of got dizzy.

>>and each time she looked at him, she saw that he was watching her, fully enjoying her discomfort.

Zelda: “Tell me the access code, or I’ll...EAT THIS PAPAYA!”

Link: “NOOOOOO!”

>>He grinned, and suggestively

DED: Suggestive of...fruit...licking.

>>licked at the juices trailing from the sweet fruit,

Rauru: Hey, wait, I GET IT!

Zelda: Sweet juice, licking...nope, doesn’t ring a bell.

>>letting his tongue wrap around each section and making sure she saw him doing it.

Link: “Well, that was sex. You’re probably pregnant now.”

>>His eyes were a dark red, challenging, and half veiled by heavy, thick lashes that did nothing to conceal the wicked expression that lit them.

DED: I suppose if you were an orange, what he’s doing would be wicked.
Rauru: Flaying your skin off and eating you? Shyeah.

>>The suckling noises increased.

Zelda: You know, slurping noises strike me as being the exact OPPOSITE of sexy.

>>"Must you loudly?" She said, her voice heavy with annoyance and her face bright red.


>>Vaati smiled, "Would you like a taste Princess Zelda?" Zelda's face grew even brighter and shook her head no,

DED: WHAT is she freaking out about? Does she, like, come five times whenever she eats lunch?

>>for her voice had left her momentarily. "I see," Vaati began. "The princess isn't hungry,

Rauru: “Oh well, so long then!”

Link: Not anyMORE...

>>but perhaps she is eagerly awaiting her birthday gift?"

Zelda: Perhaps she isn’t INTO odd effeminate orange-slurping kidnappers?

Link: Oh boy oh boy oh boy, is it an action figure?

DED: Oh, it’s an action figure, all right.


>>She rested both hands on her hips.

Zelda: MYEH!

>>"Perhaps she is curious as to what it is, since you did kidnap me

DED: Her.

>>to give it to me,"

DED: Her.

>>Zelda said irritated and impatient.

Link: Perhaps she’s colicky. Have you tried burping her?

Zelda: ExCUSE me?

>>"Now, Princess," he murmured, affecting a pout.

Rauru: Just get on with it, ya big poof!

>>Putting the dagger down,

DED: Just who the hell leaves daggers lying around in case they want to peel an orange?

Link: He ought to clean it off, or it’ll rust.

>>he stood up and walked slowly towards Zelda, who in turned took a step back.

Zelda: BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! ‘Cause you see, backing up, and...

Rauru: I need to get me one of those. I’m dangerous backing up.

>>"I would not call it a 'kidnapping'; you are far from having the appearance of a mere child."

Link: Hey, yeah! You’re right! You ought to be a defense attorney.

DED: It doesn’t really matter WHAT you call it, does it?

>>He let his gaze rake over her young perk breasts.

Rauru: Yes, his gaze raking her breasts, the teeth of his viewing crunching her vertebrae, vicious claws of observation tearing ribbons of flesh!

>>"You are clearly a woman,"

Zelda: Brilliant, Holmes!
>>he said lustfully.


>>Again Zelda's temperature rose like never before.

DED: Her brain boiling, organic molecules of her body crumbling like ancient ruins...

Zelda: God, Dave, we get it. You’re smart.

DED: And how!

>>She felt her blood sing

Link: “Pressure! Pushin’ down on me!”

DED: How appropriate.

>>and skin tingle. "Ahem," she said clearing her throat

Rauru: Well, yes, that’s what “ahem” usually signifies.

>>as tried to regain her composure

Link: Really, she ought to get used to this.

Zelda: Are you trying to excuse this kind of behavior? Honestly!

Link:’re so transcendently gorgeous that no one can, um, escape your enrapturing beauty? Dearest?

DED: Good save.

>>as she continue taking steps back as Vaati took steps forward.

Rauru: And she hits the wall, he bonks his head into hers...

Zelda: He gets a suppurating abscess in his brain and dies?

Rauru: That took a grim turn...

>>"True, but the thing me and..."

DED: “, you know...”

Link: “...I have this...”

Zelda: “ know...this thing...”

Rauru: “’s like...”

DED: “ have to...”

Link: “...and then the problem”

>>she said as she hit the edge of the bed, tripping her onto the bed.

Zelda: “I need to go hard cocks---err, peni---HOME! I need to go home.”

>>Sitting up quickly, she found her face to face with Vaati's.

DED: Vaati’s...what?

Link: Oooh, I know!

>>Only an inch of thick air separated them.

RauruMmm, thick bacon.

Zelda: Rauru, dude, it didn’t even say anything _close_ to that. You’re losing touch with reality.

Rauru: You can shut your god damn mouth.

>>"And what?" Vaati asked,

DED: “Gonna cry? Huh? Gonna cry? Cry a little tear? Huh?”

>>his hot breath stirring the hair at the back of her neck, his deep voice sending tremors down her spine.

Zelda: Uh, I suppose he’s speaking through a concert amplifier.

>>Zelda got lost in his voice

Link: “Hello?...lo?...lo?...Anybody?...anybody?...anybody?...”

>>and she seemed to lose all rational thought.

DED: Dioioioioi!

>>Her gaze was set upon his lips that had so scandalously sucked on the orange

Rauru: Dateline---HyruleVaati, powerful sorcerer, resigned in disgrace today after being caught eating an orange who was not his wife while in office.

Link: No members of his personal staff have yet been implicated.

>>a moment ago.

"And..." She said, trying to remember what she was talking about.

Zelda: “We were talking about erection---testi---what were we talking about?”

>>She was trying to make her mind focus on the question, but it was focusing on other more forbidden thoughts.

DED: Thoughts in opposition to the Party are strictly forbidden.

>>"That's bad..." She finally whispered, her head spinning.

Rauru: “Hey, you know, you’re RIGHT! It IS bad! And I’m a bad person for doing it! I’m really sorry.”

>>His hand slid up her forearm, over her shoulders,

Zelda: The itsy-bitsy spider, went up the water-spout...

Link: I’d like to go up YOUR water-spout, dollface!

>>caught the thick fall of her long blonde hair and lifted it off her neck.

DED: Hey, Zelda, honey, here’s an idea: Move? React? Knee him in the groin?

>>She gasped as she felt his lips touching her nape,


Link: *groan* Oh, for...

>>his breath fanning the damp skin there.

Zelda: Aloha oe, aloha oe...

>>Vaati continued his sweet assault

DED: Tonight, on “Words You Don’t Often See Together Theater”...

>>and made his way up her neck.

Rauru: The way is hard, and arduous.

DED: Those are synonymous.

Link: Your mom is synonymous.

Zelda: Shut up, Link.

>>"Vaati...what are you doing?"

Rauru: Um, isn’t it obvious?

>>She whispered. Vaati grinned mischievously to himself, looking up at her.


>>"Giving you your birthday gift," he said

Zelda: “Well is it in a box, ‘cause usually it’s in a box, with wrapping paper, so what did you get me that’s not wrapped in a box, where is it?”

>>holding his stare and she looked at him in shock.

Rauru: “Um, actually, it’s,’s not really my birthday? So I’m gonna...oh...”

>>In that moment he pressed his lips to hers.

Zelda: “So are you gonna give me my present unwrapped, ‘cause I don’t really mind it being unwrapped I mean you just take the wrapping off and throw it awayanywMMPHHMMPH!”

>>She tasted the sweetness of oranges on his lips, on his tongue,

Link: zOMG, continuity!

DED: Sex. Now with orange flavor.

>>felt the rough press of his thumb against her jaw,

Zelda: ‘Cause THAT’s not horribly uncomfortable.

>>and sank beneath his weight as he pushed both their bodies onto the bed.


>>She moaned deep in her throat

Link: Hoomhoment-moot.

>>and his lips grounded into hers.

DED: Grounded? Do I even need to say anything?

>>Her head swam

Zelda: The English Channel!

>>and she felt his hand pushing up the hem

Link: A hem?

Rauru: You need a lozenge?

Link: No, I’m talking about a hem.

Rauru: You should quit smoking, you’ll have much less mucus in there.

Link: Who’s on first?

>>of her dress until it bunched around her upper thigh and her thigh was bared

Zelda: Wow, that’s EXACTLY what would happen in real life! This story’s realism is astonishing!

>>to the harshness of his palm.
DED: Dingdingdingdingdingdingdingding run-on sentence!

>>The kiss deepened.

Rauru: Thousands died.

>>Her nipples hardened,

Zelda: Right.


Zelda: Whoa.


Zelda: Huh.

>>against the fabric that now became annoying stuffy.

Link: Dress for comfort.

Rauru: Yeah, for realsUnderwear? Give me a break.

DED: Oh, God, yearrgh.

>>She sighed deeply

Zelda: “This is SO bogus!”

>>and pressed into him, even as he slid his finger up her

Link: Nose.


Link: Oh.

>>and brought them around his neck.

DED: Ehgh...whuh?

>>Her hand pushed into his smooth light purple hair,

Rauru: *sigh*

Zelda: Wow, I’m surprised he’s even INTO chicks.

>>the crook of her arm

Link: Yer money er yer life!

>>cradled the back of his neck, drawing him even closer,

DED: This sentence going on, and on, and never ending, but having clause after clause, comma upon comma, as if it would...

>>and she felt his kiss become savage, plundering,

Rauru: Like pirates!

Link: Yeah. Sure.

Rauru: AVAST, ye scalawags, they’re after me booty!

Zelda: Well, yeah, actually.

>>and demanding.

Link: Barns, cows, and wonderful.

Zelda: Wow, I can’t believe you remember that.

Link: Come on, that’s like the best phraseology ever.
Zelda: Phraseology? Is that...

DED: It is!

Link: Hey! I said a real word!

Zelda: Good boy! You can be trained!

>>Vaati's hands were dragging up her leg now,


>>leaving a trail of burning flesh in their wake.

Zelda: My God, that’s horrifying!

>>He moved back, holding her waist,

Link: Leaving a trail of ashen corpses...

>>the other hand against her leg,

Rauru: The crackling of fire and the wailing of infants following in its wake...

DED: All right, all right.

>>her inner thigh, her damp and burning womanhood.


Rauru: Do you ever get a burning sensation of the womanhood?

Zelda: No, but sometimes my humanity hurts.

DED: Tell me about it. I get shooting pains in my compassion.

>>She sank into the pressure,

Link: “...this is our life...under pressure!”

>>sobbing quietly

DED: Women. Whattya gonna do?

RauruGeez, calm your ass down.

>>as his fingers found the bud of her desire

Zelda: I love to touch my indecision, too.

DED: Me, I like to gently stroke my fondness for bagels.

>>and gently kneaded it through the flimsy, dampening material of her panties.

Link: The panties are HELPless against his awesome power!

>>She twisted away, gasping. "Oh by the power of Nayru..."

Rauru: Goddess of wowm-chicka-wowm!

>>But Vaati caught her jaw once more

DED: He’s got all the make-out expertise of Lennie Small.

Link: Tell us about the vaginas, George...

>>and pressed his mouth against hers.

Zelda: “So are you going to give me my gift now I mean you said you were going to but you’re not you’re just fondling and kissing and I guess ymmmmphhfffmmfmff...”

>>She drove upward to meet it, panting hard and greedily taking his tongue into her mouth.


>>Again the tangy sweetness of citrus,

DED: Good thing he wasn’t eating, like, cayenne peppers, or bleach or something.

Link: Although if he decided to drink a gallon or so of bleach, I wouldn’t stop him.

>>again the wash of feeling through every nerve in her body.

Zelda: AGAIN with the washing and the nerves!

>>She felt herself growing hot, growing wet.

Rauru: Like pirates!

DED: You fail. Shut up, please.

>>Zelda squirmed helplessly against his palm,

Zelda: Rivers of blood following in his footsteps...

>>near to fainting. And then he drew back, breaking the kiss.

Link: Wuss. No means yes.

Rauru: Then what does yes mean?

Link: Yes also means yes.

>>"You're so beautiful,"

DED: “In an ugly sort of way.”

>>he said earnestly, but on accident

Zelda: Oh, yeah, like that time I called Ruto a “slack-cunted ichthyoid cockmonger” at a state dinner by accident.

Link: You were drunk.

Zelda: It was an accident!

>>as his thumb cleared the hair from her damp cheek.

DED: Get that shit outta here!

>>Zelda opened her eyes in initial shock.

Rauru: Zelda? Beautiful? Shocking!

>>Her limpid blue eyes

Zelda: I...don’t know what that means, but it better be something positive.

>>met his dark red ones, almost drowning in his depth.

Link: Zelda is having all kinds of brushes with death.

>>She hated to admit it, but

Rauru: ...she was cripplingly afraid of poodles.

Zelda: I am not. Really. I’m not.

>>at that moment she saw something,

DED: A fey, orange-sucking, desperately lonely little fairy-man?

Link: Hey, that’s my gig.

DED: How proud you must be of it.

>>felt something.

Zelda: Disgust, mixed with pity.

>>"Just kiss me," Zelda said, finally breaking the long silence.

Rauru: Just kissing? Why stop there?

>>Vaati did just that, which Zelda welcomed.

DED: Weeee-ell, that’s probably why she asked!

>>She couldn't deny the affect Vaati had on her body

Link: What’s her deal?

>>and she didn't want the pleasure to stop.

Zelda: But I hate pleasure!

>>Melting inside,

Rauru: Bones and organs disintegrating into a gory slop, bubbling like a pot of soup...

>>she trembled as he slowly began to undress her,

DED: Really, really slowly. Hours pass. Seasons change. Pages of the calendar fall off.

>>carefully, skillfully.

Zelda: Oh, yeah, sure, he’s a regular Casanova.

>>Masterful hands skimmed over her smooth belly,

Link: Whose?

DED: Hands, perhaps, but definitely not his.

>>heating her to a flame.

Link: Flesh crisping and sizzling, screams ringing out into the unforgiving night...

>>Vaati pulled her dress over head and tossed the long garment off to the side.

DED: Pfff, WHAT?

Zelda: Are you kidding me? This clown is pulling my dress inside-out over my head?!?

Rauru: “Erg, rrr, can’t get this damn thing’s stuck on your...grunt...”

>>He kissed her with lips burning against her neck,

DED: This is such a fiery story.

Link: You have to take out fire insurance if you want to have sex.

>>her collarbone, trailing lower to claim one hard, arching nipple, and then the other.


>>She moaned softly as his tongue circled the soft pink areola, the tightened bud, sucking at it greedily,

DED: This is a really greedy story, too.

Zelda: So this guy is fiery, and greedy? What an appealing package.

>>even as his hand explored her,

Link: “Holy hell! What in the good God is this th...huh? You call it a ‘knee?’”

>>caressing her soft woman curves.

Zelda: I’m reminded of high school.

>>Vaati's hand went lower and lower,

Rauru: How LOW can you GO?

>>until it reached the hem of cotton panties.

DED: Somehow I expected more than 99¢ Hanes.

>>Good feelings gone,

Zelda: G---wait, GONE?

Rauru: Guess it finally dawned on her that’s she’s getting raped.

>>Zelda hastily clamped her legs shut. She pushed her hands against Vaati's chest.

Link: GTFO!

DED: Finally standing up for herself.

Zelda: “Oh, man, another date is shoving me away...”

>>"Please..." Zelda pleaded, struggling to sit up. But Vaati, stronger than the half naked princess that lay under him, pushed her back onto the bed.

DED: Yes, using his massive bulk, no doubt.

Zelda: I could beat this guy up with a feather pillow!

>>"Vaati," She said, with a hint of desperately in her voice.

Link: A hint of desperately, and a pinch of grammar mistakes.

DED: You mean grammar mistakenly.

Link: Ah, but of course.

>>"Princess...," Vaati murmured,

Rauru: “Don’t make me slap a bitch!”

>>dropping kisses between her breasts

Link: bombs, exploding violently across the...

>>as he made his way downward.

Zelda: Downward, ever downward.

>>His lips skimming over belly, his breathing hot again her navel...her thighs...her-

Link: Vagina. Vagina vagina vagina. HIS BREATHING HOT AGAINST HER VAGINA. VAGINA!!!

Rauru: Oh, now you’ve gone and thwarted the tension.

>>"Vaati!" She cried, bolting up, his hand pushed her gently back down to the bed.

DED: Well, at least she’s TRYING. Usually, with this type of thing, it’s all, “Oh no, please don’t, well actually, okay, oh God that’s so good.”

Zelda: Although I am not convinced for one second that I couldn’t hand this mincing idiot his balls on a stick.

>>She lay back, trembling, seeing the ceiling,

Rauru: Well HEY! It’s the CEILING! That’s cool!

DED: The ceiling is an oft-overlooked aspect of erotic fanfiction, I’m glad it’s finally getting its due!

>>the top of his head, through half-closed eyes.

Zelda: Reminds me of a trip to the dentist.

Link: More like a trip to the gynecologist.

DED: The unlicensed, sweaty gynecologist who operates in back alleys.

>>Vaati grabbed the tops of her knees and using some force, spread her legs apart.


>>She laid there opened to him, shivering with both fear and delight.

Rauru: Hooray, I’m scared!

>>His hand moved against her, inflaming her further and coaxing her legs to open further.

DED: And furthermore...

>>"Oh Gods," she cried once again, feeling the stabbing thrust of his tongue against her hot sticky flesh.

Link: “Hot sticky flesh” is startlingly un-sexy.

>>She moaned and felt herself arch up against him shamelessly against his expert tongue.

DED: Oh, yeah, I mean, he absolutely fucking DEMOLISHED that orange...

Zelda: If that orange were alive, it would’ve been having screaming orgasms all over the place.

>>She clawed at the sheets

Link: Rawr.

>>as the pleasure he was inducing her with became almost unbearable.

DED: This WORD CHOICE is almost unbearable.

>>Crying out in sheer ecstasy,

Rauru: ‘Cause, you know, you don’t just half-ass ecstasy.

>>she shuddered uncontrollably

Zelda: This STORY makes me shudder uncontrollably.

>>as intense waves of orgasm hit her over and over.

Link: Bo-ring.

>>She twisted away from Vaati's assaulting mouth,

Rauru: As this chart shows, the mouth swept through Belgium and into northern France, circumventing the Maginot Line...

>>gasping for air in her sweet exhaustion.

Zelda: “Oh, God, that was the most incredible...”

DED: “Um, I haven’t actually, uh...done it yet.”

>>Vaati took the moment to climb off the bed and start undressing himself, catching the princess's attention.

Link: That WOULD be pretty hard to ignore.

>>She watched him curiously; she had never seen a man naked before.

Zelda: Oh, wow, I couldn’t POSSIBLY have picked a better first choice.

>>She watched as he took his shirt off,

Rauru: Well, yeah. Didn’t you just say that?

>>revealing his pale purple flesh.

DED: Sigh.

>>He build was lean, but muscular

Link: Isn’t everybody?

DED: Actually, no, if you can believe that.

Link: What next, you’re going to tell me that some people have a penis shorter than 7 inches?

>>and she noticed that he had a couple of scars from battles he had been in no doubt.

Zelda: Yeah, battles with his lawnmower.

DED: Maybe they’re from when the OTHER women he raped, who aren’t as ROCK STUPID as Miss Submissive Virginal Maiden here, actually tried FIGHTING THE FUCK BACK.

>>Vaati felt Zelda's curious gaze and smirked as he finished undressing that so he stood completely naked.

Zelda: Ta da, I guess.

>>Zelda eyes followed the length of his body downwards

Rauru: Collarbone, yes, pectorals, yes yes, nipples, good, belly button, everything going according to...

>>until it reached the area between and legs


Zelda: Always about the food with you, isn’t it?

Rauru: That IS a rather defining element of my person.

Zelda: Rather.

>>and looked away hastily, flushing a bright red.

Link: The horror...the horror...

>>Vaati, watching her reaction the entire couldn't help but

DED: For to having words in not sense?

>>chuckle at the virgin's embarrassment.

Zelda: He seems like a very insecure person.

Link: “Yes, you silly girl, it’s SUPPOSED to be small and flaccid! That’s a sign of my, um, incalculable power!”

>>Climbing back on to the bed, Vaati laid on his side next to Zelda.

DED: “So, uh, do you maybe want to have coffee sometime?”

>>He fixed his eyes upon Zelda's quivering ones

Rauru: Vibrating eyeballs. That’s a new one.

>>as he took her hand into his and touched himself gently with her own hand,

DED: “Oh, for crying out...look, I’LL do it FOR you.”

>>trailing her hand downwards.

Zelda: Oh, sure, maybe later he can take the training wheels off.

>>Her cheeks burned with such an intense fire

Rauru: Crisping flesh from bone, charring and sizzling sinews and tissue, filling the air with black clouds of ash...

>>as she felt how soft

Link: HA HA!

>>and warm his skin was beneath her fingers.

Zelda: And this is somehow a surprise?

>>Her finger tips grazed the outline of his stomach muscles before her hand went lower and lower...
DED: “Oh, yeah, lower,, wait, too low. N...that’s idiot, you’re...”

>>Zelda whimpered, almost pleading to let her hand go

Rauru: Uh, it’s a little late for that decision.

>>as Vaati brought her hand around his warm shaft

DED: “Look, you moron, I just want you! What the hell do you think you’re...

>>and guiding her forwards and backwards, starting slowly at first but then increasing speed until he went rigid.

Zelda: He wasn’t already? Are you kidding? No one can look upon my naked form and not be instantly smitten!

>>He stopped jut before he came and hastily pushed Zelda's hands away.

Rauru: You know, there’s that knife on the table right there, I bet if she lunged for it as quick as she could...

>>Surprised, Zelda sat up but was pushed back down as Vaati climbed over her, spreading her legs and positioning himself to enter her. 
Link: *ksssshhk* The Eagle has landed, over! *ksssshhk*

>>Zelda cried out in virgin pain as Vaati shoved forward,

Rauru: Missing completely...

>>plunging himself deeply

Rauru: Oh.

>>into her soft, aching recesses,


Link: I’m gonna slide down the slide like FIFTY TIMES!

>>groaning with anguished pleasure and dropping fevered kisses

RauruAhh, so that’s what they mean by “dropping the F-bomb.”

>>on her neck and her cheek.

DED: He’s mad, I tell you! MAD!

>>He grunted at the sight of those perky breasts bobbing up and down

RauruBoingidy boingidy boingidy...

Link: Yeah, THAT’S gruntworthy.

Zelda: Your contributions to semiotics are truly staggering.

>>and the tight and narrow passageway of her womanhood.

He grinned confidently down at her.

Link: “Heh heh heh hehheh…oh GOD, I have no idea what I’m doing...”

>>His eyes red eyes glowing,


>>drifting shut with desire, then open, the thick lashes half concealing irises of a shade mirroring the deepest and darkest of shades of red.

Rauru: I think I’ve figured it out: Sex causes commas.

Zelda: Among other things.

>>Zelda felt her hear flutter as he bent down and kiss the nape of her neck.

DED: God. Just...God.

>>Gently reaching up, Zelda stroked the mark underneath his left eye with her thumb.

Zelda: “Hold on, you got this...let me try and’s not coming off.”

>>She felt the fires banking in her blood,

DED: This story could use more of a “fire” theme.

Link: Sort of a “flame” metaphor of some sort.

>>and the force of them made her tremble with longing and need.

Rauru: There are so many, many ways to say “It feels good.”

>>She cleared away a tumble of faded purple hair

DED: What gets into some phenotypes?

>>that had fallen over his shoulder and then lifted up to kiss the right side of his chest.

Zelda: ‘Cause, I mean, the left side? Get fuckin’ serious.

>>Vaati watched her has her hands strayed down his body,

Link: Come back, Lassie! Come back!

>>finally clasping his hips and pulling him deeper inside herself.

Rauru: That’s the kind of sentence where if you didn’t know better, you’d just laugh and laugh.

>>"Please..." Zelda breathed, almost reaching her peak.

Zelda: As usual, I almost get there...then it’s over.

DED: That’s not a nice think to say in front of Link.

Link: Say what?

Zelda: See?

>>He increased his speed as he savagely drove upwards

Rauru: Crushing the opposition as if it were chaff before the wind, blood running in the streets...

>>into and she felt herself lose it.


>>"God, Yes!"

DED: Pork, no!

Link: Racecars, maybe.

>>she cried as her senses reeled, climbed, and peaked.

Rauru: Like piraaahhh, forget it.

>>Vaati felt her walls clamp shut around his shaft and drove harder and faster to reach his own climax.

Zelda: This must be the first time in history a guy finished second.

>>Finally his head fell forward and let out a soft grunt in sweet agony.

DED: Gurgle.

>>"Fuck," he gasped,

Link: Hey, watch your fuckin’ mouth, you shitfuck!

>>sucking in his breath as he came to orgasm. Zelda felt the warm spill


>>of his pulsing seed, excruciating sweetness, burning climax.

Link: And wonderful.

>>Gasping for air, Vaati collapsed atop of Zelda,

Zelda: Oh, thanks a million!

>>his lips falling against hot, salty skin, his heart slamming against his ribs.

DED: Aorta tearing like wet tissue paper...

>>He laid there,

Link: He laid a couple things in this story.

>>both his body and heart fulfilled.

Link: So that’s all it takes? Poor evil villains. All they need is love.

DED: All they need is love?

Link: Love. Love is all they need.

>>His arms wrap protectively around her shoulders, clasping her hot body to his.

Zelda: Oh, great, thanks again! That’s EXACTLY what I wanted!

>>Zelda heard his pounding heart just beneath her ear,

Link: “Oh GOD, I think I really...EEEARRRUGGGGHHH! HHHELpppp...”

>>heard its beat begin to steady and slow.

Rauru: And stop.

>>It was a long time before both of them said something.

DED: “So I guess we’re married now?”

>>"Happy Birthday Princess," Vaati said, finally breaking the silence.

Zelda: “So wait, where’s my present, you said you were going to give it to me but you didn’t really, you know maybe you could just go out real quick and get me a present, I mean I’m not mad if you didn’t really get me one, I wouldn’t mind if y...”

>>Zelda shifted underneath Vaati's delicious weight.

Rauru: I could use some delicious weight right about now. Like a half a pound of shaved ham, yeah...that’s the stuff.

>>She couldn't deny herself that fact that this was the best birthday gift she ever received.

DED: Even better than the Hot Wheels set? Madness!

>>Silence once again fell on them until the princess gathered up courage to speak.

Zelda: “Are you gonna, you know, go ahead and move, or are you just dead now?”

>>"Vaati?" Zelda called out shyly.


>>"Yes, Princess?" Vaati answered, his tone filled with sleepiness.
Rauru: “WHAT is it NOW...”

>>"Thank you." She turned her head and gave Vaati a small kiss on the cheek.

Zelda: “Okay, so, gotta go, best of luck with our sexual relationship and I hope to see you again soon.”

DED: So what did we learn today?

Link: That virgins are hilarious.

Rauru: And you, Dave, are hilarious.

DED: Your logic is faulty.

Rauru: Your mom is faulty!

Link: Also, Zelda keeps flaming out when she gets excited. She needs some heat sinks.

Rauru: Your mom needs heat sinks!

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