Saturday, June 16, 2012

Classic MST: "Malon Lon Milk" by Streti

In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space

We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:

Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “Dream on!”
Rauru! “Slow ride, take it easy!”
Zelda! “Jerk it out!”
Link! “Come on, feel the noise!”
If you don’t get how he stays alive
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!

>>Zelda: Ocarina of Time - Malon Lon Milk
by Streti

DED: Well. That’s...overt...

Zelda: I wish they’d stop adding my name to stories that aren’t about me. Like, just call it “The Legend of Some Unwashed, Disease-Spreading Whore Who’s NotZelda.”
Link: Not all people other than yourself are unwashed, disease-spreading whores.

Zelda: Then what ARE they?

>>"Link! Hi! I've been waiting for you!"

Rauru: (creepy voice) “I’m heeeeeeeeee-ere...”

Zelda: Whoa.

Link: I likes ta keep ma’ bitches waiting.

>>He could tell that just by looking at her.

DED: How can you tell if someone’s been waiting for you by looking at them? How, I ask you?

>>Since his adult self had vanguished Ganon

Rauru: Whoa! Now THERE’s a word you won’t find in any dictionary!

Link: It’s like a combination of “vanquished” and “anguish.” You know, vanquished with anguish. Vanguished.

Zelda: Link, that’s just dumbtarded.

>>two years ago, Hyrule had become a land of peace. He had returned from his travels to meet his old friends again.

Rauru: Well...his old acquaintances, anyway.

>>Meeting Malon had been especially stirring,

DED: his pants!

>>since the petite girl had grown into a curvaceous, full-bodied woman.

Zelda: The crowd is shocked. Never before in the history of fanfiction has a female character grown up to be a drop-dead-gorgeous pin-up model.

Link: In all my wildest imaginings, I never would have guessed Malon would become attractive.

Zelda: It’s quite a leap, really.

>>She still wore clothes similar to what she had always been wearing,

DED: They must smell terrible, after all those years of sweaty, manure-shoveling work.

Rauru: This robe has never left my body in a hundred and fifty years, and it’s served me fine.

Zelda: Rauru, you have failed me, you have failed yourself, and you have failed all mankind.

>>and her shirt wasn't as loose as it had been.

Link: You know, I’m sure that there are two, maybe three people in the world that like women with SMALL breasts. Maybe someday someone could write a story for them.

DED: But until then...

>>Instead, it hugged her hefty bust tightly, bringing even more attention to the wet splotches around her nipples.

Zelda: Uh huh. There’s an arrow pointing to her cleavage that says “Insert Penis Here.”

>>As Malon had matured, she had found a new brand in the line of famed Lon Lon milks, and Link had been more than happy to help.

Rauru: Help with what, thinking up the name?

DED: “You know, the name of your farm is Lon-Lon, which by coincidence is also the last three letters of your first name, so what I was thinking was---and get ready for a shock---we should call it...”

>>Just now, he was as happy as ever.

Zelda: Prancing through the fields of daisies.

Link: I’m easily amused.

>>His cock was already straining in his pants with the sight of Malon.

DED: Sigh. Whatever happened to subtlety? To expository dialogue?

Link: The answers, my friend, are blowing in the wind.

>>The milk leaking from her nipples was already copious enough to make the white shirt transparent,

Rauru: Here’s a woman you don’t want to take to a party.

>>and even in the slightly dim light of the barn, he could see her large, appetite-whetting pink aureolas,

Zelda: Assuming you have, um, an appetite for areolas.

Rauru: My current appetite is for General Tso’s Chicken. We got any?

Link: Guess, Rauru. Guess. Humor me. Do we in this a satellite, above the earth...Chinese chicken? Guess.

Rauru: ...yes?

Link: What’s your SECOND guess?

Rauru: Definitely yes?

Link: No.

>>with wet nipples. In no time he was with her, her wet chest pressing against him as they greeted more intimately, lips and tongues meeting hungrily.

Rauru: Look, it’s hard to control myself when they keep writing things like this.

DED: It doesn’t make sense. You need food to live; you don’t die if you don’t have any sex.

Link: Speak for yourself.

Zelda: Well, maybe not, but I choose not to take that chance.

>>Heat rose in their bodies, and their sexes throbbed eagerly,

DED: Their what?

Link: Sextants. 16th-century navigational device. Uses the parallax of the sun to...

DED: That’s plenty there.

Zelda: Do they have some inability to just say “genitalia?”

>>both dripping with anticipation.

Rauru: Sexy.

DED: Fluids ruin stories. Said it before, I’ll say it again.

>>But Link would tease Malon more before their passions engulfed them,

Zelda: Oh, right, no wonder she’s so hot for him.

>>and set out to do what he was supposed to.

Link: Now, see, I’m SUPPOSED to be delivering the mail, but what always ends up happening is sweaty, unprotected sex on the barn floor.

Zelda: Sounds like 90% of all the porno I’ve seen.

>>Link went around Malon and grabbed her heavy busts

DED: Nope, sorry. “Bust” is like a reverse “pants.” It’s one word for two items.

Rauru: Unless we’re talking about busts, like, sculptures of people’s heads.

Zelda: Those would indeed be heavy, made of marble and all.

>>from behind. Malon, already expecting it,

Link: …oh. That takes all the fun out of it.

>>took a couple of bottles labeled "Malon Lon Milk" and held them in front of her tits.

DED: The Ridiculous Meter is off the scale.

>>Link began his work, squeezing her breasts and nipples, and even encased in the wet fabric, her nipples squirted out spurts of her fine milk.

Zelda: Oh, um, there’s no, like, sanitary issues here?

Link: “Malon Lon Milk is filtered through sweaty, manure-stained farm clothes before it gets to the consumer! Try some today!”

>>Although the amount of milk that her breasts produced was inconvenient for Malon sometimes,

DED: Not to mention physiologically impossible.

>>she couldn't help enjoying it when Link milked her.

Zelda: Oh, so she’s even more of a cow than usual? BOOM! HEADSHOT! Gimmie some skin! *goes for high-five, waits*

>>It was a bit funny to feel like it, but it felt very sensual to Malon,

DED: It was a bit with the ghwahey?

>>and always made her hot. As her milk squirted in the bottles, on their sides, on her hands and everywhere else,

Zelda: “Link noticed that the milk was filling the room. It was now up to his knees. ‘Um, maybe we should stop?’”

>>Malon got warmer and warmer, as usual.

Rauru: This all sounds so mechanical. Where’s the LOVE?

DED: They should invest in one of those mechanical suction milkers the big farms use.

Link: Someone somewhere is popping wood thinking about that.

>>Soon she was feeling hot enough to do something to him. She wanted to milk Link.
Rauru: Now, wait, this doesn’t make any sense at all. All my preconceptions are being assaulted by this sentence. Everything I know about human reproductive anatomy is being defied.

Zelda: Think, Rauru. Think long and hard. What? What could they possibly mean when they say that? Think, think!

>>Link could sense how Malon enjoyed having her tits milked by him.

DED: Well, if THAT’s his only superpower, that’s pretty lame. Like, Aquaman lame.

Zelda: I don’t think the power to recognize other people’s feelings is a superpower. It’s more of a “everyone-who’s-not-a-sociopath” power.

>>The position put their bodies in tight contact, and his head practically rested in her red hair. She smelled of barn, cows and wonderful, but Link only noticed the wonderful part.

Link: That is the greatest set of words I’ve ever laid eyes on.

DED: Yes, but would you say it was barns, cows, and wonderful?

Link: Yes. But you only notice the wonderful part.

>>His member was straining hard against his pants, and she must have felt it really easily against her round bottom,

Rauru: Might he have found this, I dunno, a little EMBARASSING?

Zelda: I wasn’t aware bottoms came in any shape other than round.

>>covered only by her violet skirt. Suddenly she broke free of his hold, and turned around to him.

DED: Reversal! Two points!

Link: Who’s keeping score?

>>In his battles, he was used to acting on split-second changes, but Malon always managed to surprise him.

Rauru: So...if Gannondorf had just hired Malon and given her a would be game over?

Link: Not likely. In spite of what this pornographic fiction would have you believe, no one surprises Link.

DED: Hey, Link, the hole in the ozone layer over Antarctica is three times the size of Europe.


Zelda: Dave, that was barns, cows, and wonderful.

>>His mouth was open in surprise,

Rauru: What a retard.

>>and Malon took the chance to kiss him again. He spread his arms, careful not to bumb the bottles off her hands,

Zelda: You bumb! You’ll never amount to anything!

>>basically just standing there,

Rauru: Yeah, what a retard.

DED: Uhh...uhhhh...duhhhhh...

>>letting Malon take charge. She kneeled, at first he thought to put the bottles down, and she did that, but then she put her hands under his green tunic and pulled his pants down.

Rauru: Great. Just great. This is exactly what I wanted to do today. When I woke up, I was like, “I feel like reading yet another description of a blowjob.” And my dream came true!

>>The hem of the tunic quickly rose up to reveal Link's erect meat,

DED: There’s really surprisingly little meat to be had. It’s mostly vascular cavities filled with blood, which gives it a rigid and enlarged shape.

Zelda: Thank you for your presentation, it was very informative.

>>peeking optimistically from under the fabric.

Rauru: Misplaced optimism.

DED: “Okay, now turn your head and cough...okay, we’re done here. Put your pants back on and get out of my house.”

>>Its optimism was just, giving that it soon met with Malon's tongue, which was just in preparation before she took his hard member completely in her mouth, making Link gasp sharply.

Link: Wow.

Zelda: Re-read that sentence. Read it several times. Swish it around in your mouth for a while. How’s it taste? Because to me it tastes like a big pile of suck.

DED: Oh, come on, no one reads those sentences anyway.

>>When he recovered, he unfastened the belts around his tunic and removed it, followed by his shirt, revealing his toned upper body.

Rauru: That’s so porno-riffic. No one would actually do that.

Zelda: Right, he rips his shirt in half like Clark Kent changing into Superman...

>>He could see in Malon's eyes as she sucked him that she still liked what she saw.

Link: A big sweaty pile of pubic hair? Gross.

>>As an afterthought, he threw off his green cap as well.

DED: Ha haImpossible.

Zelda: Believe me, I’ve tried. I’ve tried jackhammers, I’ve tried suction, I’ve tried industrial-grade solvents...nothing works.

>>Now he was faced with the age-old question of men receiving blowjobs: what to do with his hands?

Zelda: Ah, yes, the eternal question.

Link: Who are we? Whence did we come? Where are we going? What is the meaning of this charade called life? What do you do with your hands while you’re getting head?

DED: Socrates, Aristotle, Plato, Descartes, Kant, Nietzsche, Schopenhauer...all great men, but none could hope to grapple with this conundrum.

Rauru: Now, looking back, the first published work on the location of blowjob hand positioning was a clay tablet thought to have originated in ancient Babyloniacirca 5000 B.C. They recommended placing the hands towards the heavens in a plea to Ishtar to bless their union.

Zelda: The ancient Greeks, on the other hand, recommended placing one hand curled upward, as if holding a discus, and the other extended to the side. The goal was to resemble a sculpture of Hercules.

Link: The Romans basically copied the Greeks, but with the fall of the Roman empire and the emergence of Dark Ages feudalism, local lords gained the power to dictate the blowjob hand positions of their serfs. One lord in twelfth-century Ardennes forced all his peasants to do the now-famous “raise the roof” gesture when receiving head.

DED: But now, thanks to democracy, we can choose any hand position we want! God bless America! Thank you, and good night!

>>If he put them to his sides, he'd look too macho. If he put them on Malon's head, he could be called on enforcing chauvinistic values of women as subjects and possessions to men.  

Zelda: Uh huh. Red card, you’re out of the game! Get out of Malon’s house!

>>If he just let them hang down limply, he'd look like a ReDead getting head.

DED: Oh, great, thanks, there’s a mental image I really wanted seared into my consciousness with white-hot needles, thank you, story!

RauruReDeads don’t get head. They like to give it from behind.

Link: Oh, God, don’t remind me.

>>After swinging his arms around undedicidedly

DED: AaannndTHAT’s not a word!

Link: But it’s so plausectable!

>>in their air, he placed them softly on Malon's hair,

Zelda: TWEET! Holding, number 1337, offense, five yard penalty, repeat first down...

Link: I’m teh 1337.

>>hoping no one silly enough to object was around to see. Unfortunately, he didn't know he was on the Internet.

Rauru: Ah, non-funny meta-jokes for the win!

>>Luckily, he didn't care about such things after feeling the softness of her hair

Zelda: Not to mention the fact that it was barns, cows, and wonderful.

>>and getting into the pleasant rhythm of her head going back and forth on his pole.

DED: Okay, running out of euphemisms for “penis” much?

Link: Um, have we used “skyscraper?” Washington Monument in his pants?” “Crankshaft?”

>>Malon had no trouble at all finding a spot for her hands: either they were caressing his prominently hanging nutsack,

Zelda: Oh, gross. I don’t like it when there’s a big...dangle factor.

>>stroking his shaft while her tongue and lips were making the rounds on the head of his rod, or grabbing Link's naked buttcheeks.

Link: ‘Cause that’s not weird or anything.

RauruWhat, does she need leverage or something?

>>It was all good to Link,

Zelda: Oh, it’s all good.

>>too good to last, and he was straining against a boiling pressure in his balls to come already.

DED: The endless struggle.

Link: Almost as important as where to put the hands.

>>He tried to say something to Malon, but even his brains were conflicted

Zelda: Link has more than one brain? What, is it two brains, each with 1% of a normal person’s brain function?

Link: Two...with one percent...umm...ow, man, my brains hurt. Zelda’s good at math.

>>on whether they wanted to elongate the pleasure

Rauru: Sounds like a good slogan for something.

Zelda: “Elongate YOUR pleasure with Bob’s Barbecue Sauce!”

>>or just blow right away,

DED: So tastefully written, too.

>>so all he managed to say were whimpers and moans. This only encouraged Malon to continue relentlessly,

Zelda: ReLENTlessly.

>>sucking on his glans and wanking the rest of his meat,

Link: There are words there, but they just...don’t...quite...make...sense.

>>then taking it all in her mouth again, going back and forth, and even caressing the head with his tongue at the same time,

DED: To give credit where credit is due, this is one of the better blowjob scenes we’ve witnessed.

>>showing that she had really developed her skills during her time with Link.

Zelda: Link is a very good teacher with these kinds of things.

Link: Cheap gutter whores are MADE, not born!

>>Link was helpless now, the desire and need to come filling his entire body, and finally Malon took him over the edge, sending him falling like on a rollercoaster ride.

Rauru: This sounds really unpleasant. Maybe this isn’t for me.

Zelda: I don’t think it’s going to be an issue with you.

>>With a profound "A-aaah!"


Zelda: Lame. Lame, lame, lame.

>>his body and balls tensed and his pelvis shot forward, almost hitting the Malon's face,

Link: Not just any Malon, THE MalonThe one. The only.

>>who was wanking his harder-than-ever pole rapidly. With each gasp, his meat sent a load of cum over the waiting Malon, who loved the feeling of his hot milk raining on her when his balls unloaded all over her face and chest.

DED: Now, why is it that I can never find a girl who goes crazy for a guy’s ejaculate in real life…?

Link: You know, I really never saw Malon as growing up to be a cum-crazed porn star. It really came out of left field.

>>The bottom half of her shirt was already drenched with her own milk, which was now dripping from her nips even quicker than before. On the white of her shirt, her own milk mixed with Link's

Rauru: This is weak wordplay. “Link’s MILK. Get it? His MILK! Cuz his semen is white! Ha ha! Get it?”

>>as his semen seeped into the fabric around her poorly-concealed tits. When he was done, the messy Malon licked the hard member clean, which seemed to be especially troublesome to Link.

Zelda: “I…I don’t understand. What are you doing? Hey, stop! WHAT’S GOING ON?”

Link: “How DARE you give me some post-orgasm licking!”

>>His post-orgasmic member

DED: Geez, don’t get all technical on us.

>>was very sensitive, so he shivered and groaned and twitched as her soft tongue licked around his wet erection.

Link: (as himself) “Malon, that blowjob was barns, cows, and wonderful. But mostly the last one.”

>>Getting high and coming down had done nothing to quell Link's sexual urges.

Rauru: ...because I got hiiiiigh...

Zelda: This adds a new dimension.

>>Malon was spending too much time with his cock and too little with him,

Link: Yeah, I mean, geez, even just a casual conversation once in a while would be fine! But it’s always just blowjob this, blowjob that.

>>so he pulled her up forcefully and kissed her like he hadn't gotten any in two weeks, when it was closer to two minutes.

Rauru: Two minutes? So he just rolled out of the sack with some OTHER chick before this story starts?

>>He grabbed her bust,

Rauru: Back to singular!

>>held tight in the cum and milk drenched shirt, then his other hand grabbed her skirt and yanked the hem up, so he could probe down under.

Zelda: Throw another prawn on the barby, mate!

>>He touched her completely drenched panties, eliciting a very loud moan from Malon, and pushed the fabric aside from her juicy pussy, then thrust his fingers into her soft wetness, eliciting more moans.

DED: Run-on sentence count: 2 so far.

>>Malon loved it, her heart was pounding under that chest of hers,

Zelda: Link, put some shoes on those feet of yours.

Link: Hey, shut that mouth of yours, or I’ll punch you right in that nose of yours!

>>and Link's naked body was hot to the touch, with his kisses the same.

Rauru: The things...this person says...just...don’t...compute.

>>She touched his cock and found that it was going soft, enjoying its smooth silky feel,

DED: Um, “slimy” maybe?

>>but also noting that just her touch put it back on the rise again.

Zelda: Honestly. No one rebounds like that.
Link: I mean, YOU try masturbating twice in a row. I mean really try it. Go for broke. Do it. Seriously.

>>She could also see how hot Link was feeling

DED: She can see how he’s feeling?

>>when he started licking his own cum from her face, and it made her hotter as well.

Rauru: Or, if she were like everyone else on earth, it would make her a little confused.

>>On her part, she caressed Link's muscled stomach, chest and back with her hands, simply not getting enough.


>>When Link was done with her pussy for the time being,

Link: “I’m DONE with you, man! I’m DONE with you!”

>>she tried it with her mouth, licking his nipples and kissing everywhere over his body,

DED: Another stupefying line.

Link: Is it all going to be like this? Just reading this makes me feel stoned.

>>her cheeks flushed and breathing heavy.

Zelda: Stupid breathing cheeks!

Rauru: ENOUGH, woman!

>>She knew that only one part of Link could sate her craving

DED: His left bicuspid?

Zelda: His fourth metatarsal?

Rauru: His gall bladder?

Link: My third cervical vertebra?

>>for every part of his body,

Zelda: She’s just softening him up before she puts him in a big cauldron of boiling water and starts throwing carrots and onions in.

>>so she unfastened her skull belt, which held her apron and skirt up, leaving the rest up to Link.

Link: Hmm…get naked...or eat tacos. Get tacos...

Rauru: Are you kidding? It’s not every day you get to eat tacos!

Link: Yes, it is. I’ve seen you eat at least twelve tacos per day every day I have known you.

Rauru: But, hypothetically, there could come a day in which I didn’t get to eat any tacos, correct?

>>He didn't hesitate a moment when he started to undress her,

DED: Really? If I were him I might have hesitated a moment before touching a set of clothes that were soaked in milk, semen, dirt, manure, and sweat.

Rauru: And wonderful.

>>taking off her soaked shirt and revealing her plump tits,

Zelda: If you have fat thighs, people shake their heads disparagingly and mutter something about diet and exercise. If you have fat tits, they buy you drinks and sleep with you. The double standard is ludicrous.

Link: I like fat thighs.

Zelda: Are you implying something?

>>also wet with milk, and taking off her skirt and apron to leave her only in her panties, striped violet.

DED: I will never understand this. Why match your panties to your outfit? That seems about as necessary as having a pacemaker that matches your drapes.

>>This was the perfect time for Link to feast on her teats.

Link: No time like the present, I guess.

DED: Is there ever a bad time for tits?

Rauru: Is there ever a bad time for feasting? Name me one.

Zelda: During an earthquake.

Rauru: Earthquake? You mean, “nature’s blender?” Just toss some fruit, yogurt, and crushed ice in a thermos, then after about a minute, you have a smoothie.

>>He put his mouth on her full busts,

DED: Back to plural.

>>licking and suckling her nipples, drinking her milk directly from the source,

Link: Yeah, nothing like it. I go up to cows all the time and just have a sip. They’re like water fountains.

>>getting his mouth wet with her sweet drink.

Eventually, she kneeled down to the hay-covered floor, and shivered with excitement

Zelda: “M-m-m-m-maybe we shoulda w-w-w-waited ‘till spring to d-d-d-do this...”

>>as Link peeled her panties down her legs. Now, the pair was completely naked,

DED: To this author’s eternal credit, he used the collective singular noun/verb form correctly and didn’t say “the pair were.”


Rauru: There’s nothing I love more than a naked pear.

Zelda: ...whatever.

Rauru: Seriously! I love to just grab me a pear and squeeze.

Zelda: Stop it. You know not what you say.

Rauru: What? What’s wrong with telling the world I love to suck the juice from a nice plump, round pear?

>>and Link positioned himself over and behind her.

DED: ...I’m sorry, what?

>>His cock was left standing on her ass, though, when he grabbed her busts again.

Link: Busts of Caesar.

>>In a moment of realization,


DED: What Archimedes was REALLY doing when he discovered buoyancy.


>>she took the milk bottles and placed them roughly

Zelda: Say what?

>>under her udders, which was just what Link intended.

Link: Roughly, dammit.

>>With Malon's lon-lons now naked,

DED: *slaps forehead bitterly*

Rauru: I...I can’t even make fun of this. There’s nothing to say.

Zelda: It’s like a black hole of stupid. No matter what we say, it won’t add anything to the stupidity, for the stupidity is infinite.

>>Link was able to milk them even more efficiently, taking his hands around the plump, shuttle-shaped bosoms

Link: Yeah, ‘cause when I think “bosoms,” I think “shuttles.”

>>and ending at the nipples, squeezing them to coach her milk out.


Rauru: “HOO-RAH!”

>>He had grown good at what he was doing,

Zelda: Yeah, but even so...don’t quit your day job.

Link: Who the fuck would even BUY Malon’s used breast milk?

DED: I imagine there’s only one creepy guy who buys it, but he buys ALL of it.

Zelda: Probably the Poe guy. He’s creepy as all hell.

>>and his tits squirted copious amounts of milk all over the hay and the bottles, also wetting his hands in the process. Malon was going crazy with need,

Rauru: INSANE in tha BRAIN!

>>and she ached to have that hard meat resting on her skin inside her.

DED: It’s like, once every paragraph or two the author is compelled to put a sentence that makes not the slightest bit of sense!

>>Soon she got what she wanted. Link's hands moved from her tits to her waist, and his hot tool

Link (singing): Tool operator...tooooooool operator...

>>entered her sopping hole,

DED: “Sopping” is far and away the dirtiest non-vulgar word in existence. Like, you COULD use it in normal conversation, and it wouldn’t necessarily be offensive, but I have only ever heard it used in a non-pornographic situation maybe twice.

>>sending hot shivers up her body. He started fucking her earnestly,

Link: Yeah, you know the guys who will bang some chick but not really mean it.

>>and the lusty redhead moaned with pleasure. Her tits jiggled with each of his thrusts, while his tool felt like a burning sword

Zelda: Yeah, that’s pretty typical...

>>in her needy cove.

DED: Just say it. Say “vagina.” Come on! It’s getting ridiculous.

>>Carefully, as she settled into his rhythm, she moved the bottles further away again.

Rauru: Make up your damn mind.

>>She loved Link, and she loved having sex with him,

Link: Join the club, sister.

>>and even though he didn't speak much,

DED: “UhhhGruhh-uhhnhUrruhhhhgg!”

>>she felt that he felt the same way. She could read it from his every gesture,

Zelda: *raises middle finger* Yeah. That’s all I had to say.

>>even now, when he leaned to her and kissed her neck gently while pounding his dick into her snatch.

Rauru: It’s not often you get the word “pounding” and “gently” in the same sentence.

>>She needed to see him,

Link: Always nice to be able to see the person with his dick in you.

>>have his body against hers, so she stopped him and turned around. Even while having sex, his face aflame with lust, an adult hero with legendary deeds on his name, Link looked innocent just then, pure of hidden motives or selfish goals.

Zelda: Bullshit. He’s only doing this because he has to, or else he’ll lose the lucrative milk gig. So insincere.

>>She put her arms around him and dragged him to her, skin against skin, lips burning together, tongues playing with each other,

Rauru: Patty cake, patty cake, baker’s man! Bake me a cake as fast as you can!

Zelda: That’s...KINDA like what the tongues are doing...

Rauru: No, I’m serious. Bake me a cake as fast as you can.

Zelda: What? How am I supposed to b...


>>her breasts against his chest,


>>his tool plowing her sex.

Zelda: Assuming his tool is a plow. You know, the wedge-shaped thing drawn by horses.

Link: I don’t got one of those in my pants.

>>She could feel him with all of her body,

Rauru: Really? Even with her hair and nails?

>>exhilarated by the closeness, and from every response of his body, she read the same feelings.

DED: Run-on sentence count: 3.

>>She could have made love to him forever, even when she recognized that her body could soon take no more.

Zelda: Well...doesn’t that mean that she COULDN’T make love to him forever? Like, in direct contradiction to an earlier part of the same sentence?

>>It started as ruptures in her tranquility of ecstasy, spikes of feeling that went over her coping,

Rauru: I give this a hearty WTF.

>>and their number grew with each thrust of his meat into her, and he knew it too, but he wouldn't stop, and she didn't want him to, until there was nothing but a series of ruptures.

DED: That’s such a huge run-on sentence that it should count as two. But in the interest of accuracy...we’re up to four now.

Zelda: Six commas! SIX!

>>Her soul was punctured by a pleasure spike

Link: Hey, Dave, are you keeping track of the insane sentences, too?

DED: To make it easier on myself, I’ve been keeping track of the NON-insane sentences.

Link: How many of those?

DED: None so far.

>>more intense than anything she could handle, and she wailed in the sweet torment of her rapture,

Rauru: Every other line in this story sounds like a Black Sabbath song title. “SWEET TORMENNNNNT OF THE RAAAAAAPTURE!”

>>her whole body arching in the hold of her lover, still inside her, while her womanhood coached him to join her in her orgasm,

DED: “I wanna see some DEFENSE out there, people! Let’s wake up, ladies! We’re still in this game!”

>>but he wasn't quite there yet.

Zelda: Link is...special.

>>He liked it better that way, able to enjoy her bliss without his own coming in the way,

Link: Since when am I that considerate? I’d have blown my load all over the place and be downstairs watching TV before she even noticed I was in.

 >>her tight grip on his body feeling better than any caress.

DED: Yeah, I far prefer people to grab me by the arm ‘till I can’t feel my fingers than for them to gently stroke me.

>>She settled down, heaving, exhausted, eyes closed, with Link still inside her and her arms around him. He shivered with her own need, but settled with kissing her cheek,

Rauru: Oh, come on, don’t settle for less!

>>and laying with her, enjoying her warmth and the feel of her body tight against his. Before he had the time go soft, though, she came back down with a part of heaven with her.

Zelda: These sentences slowly erode my will to live.

>>She took her arms from around him to her bosoms, pressing them together.

"Hey, fairy boy... think you've still got some milk on you?"

DED: The last thing I’d want to be called while I was standing, erect, over a naked girl, would be “fairy boy.”

Link: Erection: gone.

>>The flushed Link breathed heavily and rose up, sliding his hardness out of her completely drenched twat. The member was drenched slick with her juices, and just to provide even more lubrication, Malon coached some more milk from her jugs

Zelda: She’s the Vince Lombardi of breast milk.

DED: I think I’m going to bring this up now, before it gets too late. A woman, and for that matter any female mammal, cannot lactate unless she is either pregnant or has recently given birth.

Link: Sooooo...Malon’s a MILF?

DED: Make of it what you will.

>>and rubbed it all over the soft mammaries. The sight of Malon's wet tits, held together just right for his cock to come in between was a heavenly sight for Link.

Rauru: Choruses of cherubs appear from on high.

>>He placed his hard rod between Malon's lon-lons

Zelda: God, just...God. I think I speak for all women everywhere when I say that a part of my soul dies every time I have to read that.

>>and started fucking them.


>>The soft flesh of her round globes felt unbelievably good for his meat,

Link: This is like solving a cryptogram.


>>but it was lucky there was so much lubrication, since he still had enough stamina to enjoy the experience for quite a while.

Zelda: Years later...

>>It was Link now that was holding Malon's milk-drenched busts together.

DED: Good. Good to know. It totally loses something if you don’t know things like that.

>>She was starting to get excited again when she watched the curiously funny sight of his red head entering and disappearing from between her tits,

Link: I know! It’s hilarious! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Zelda: That is sort of an odd thing to find funny.


Zelda: Um...


>>and from past experience, she knew Link would be ready for many more times if she wanted.

DED: Link: God of Fucking.

Rauru: I guess there’s more to that there Triforce of Courage than meets the eye.

>>She looked up at him just as he grimaced and pulled his cock out from between her mammaries, and wanked his load all over her again.

Zelda: When this story is over, please, please, hit me as hard as you can with a blunt object until I no longer remember anything about it.

>>Even with the risk of getting a stinging red eye, she kept her eyes open and watched as his load erupted from his cockhead.

Link: That would be hilarious if she went blind because she kept her eyes open while being ejaculated upon. Then when people asked her how she went blind she’d have to go, “Oh, well, I was being a horny slut and a big glob of this guy’s jizz went right in my eye.”

>>A few strands of spooge flew on her face and she reflexively closed her eyes, but she opened them again to see the rest of his load land all over her bust.

DED: Hmm. This is unusually pornographic for a NC-17 story. Usually they’re all, “The lovely loving lovers embraced with love, their love like a lovely lake of loving love...” Here, they make the bitches spread ‘em and they shoot their load all over the place. It’s almost...refreshing.

>>Having the warm manmilk splash on her tits made her feel sexy,

Rauru: Guess it’s confirmation that you did your job right.

>>and when Link had come and looked at her, she could see it in his eyes too. In his eyes, she couldn't have looked sexier.


Link: YA RLY!

Zelda: NO WAI!

>>Her commendable bosom was covered with sticky spooge, his cream running all over her milk-wettened mounds.

Rauru: I’m sorry, “wettened?”

DED: Oh, why not got the whole nine yards and say “bewetted?”

Zelda: It’s almost Shakespearean.

>>His sperm had spurted over her alluring aereolas, the cleavage of her milky tits was drenched with cum and everywhere else around her chest there was still more splattered semen.

Link: Good thing I have testicles the size of cantaloupes to hold all that ejaculate.

>>The effect of the sight was enhanced by the heaving of her chest. There were a few strands on her face, too, which only accentuated her beauty.

Zelda: Yeah, that works so well. You wonder why you don’t see it on the cover of Cosmo.

DED: Dude, they can’t even show that on the cover of Hustler.

>>Her cheeks were flushed, a few strands of her hair were sticking to her forehead with sweat, and the look in her eyes was... deep.

Rauru: Yeah...deep. You know, this whole experience was very...deep.

Zelda: Emotionally, intellectually...very, very deep.

>>Link simply sunk into them. She rubbed the cum on her tits with her hands, making the impressive mounds glisten provocatively,

Link: “What the hell is this? This is an outrage!”

>>and then tasted some of his cum from her hands. She almost choked when he lunged down to kiss her.

DED: From what, his stench?

>>In the end, they were laying together on the hay, hand in hand.

Zelda: The end? Did they say the end? Ending? Happening now? Over?

>>Malon was pleased that they had already filled two bottles of Malon Lon Milk for the day,

Rauru: Hey, does that mean she could make it into Malon Lon Cheese?

Link: That’s so wrong I don’t even want to think about it.

DED: Human milk would make bad cheese. The concentration of fat found in milk from animals like cows is what...

Zelda: Oh, shut up already, poindexter.

>>but the aching in her breasts told her that she could do more.

-The End-

Link: (tears an armrest off the seat next to him and clubs Zelda over the back of the head with it, knocking her out cold)

Rauru: GAH!


Link: She asked for it. Earlier. To erase all memory of this story.

DED: Um...she was probably kidding.

Link: Dave. Come on. Do I LOOK like I don’t know what I’m doing?

DED: Whatever. Anyway, I noticed that this story had little to do with the marketing of a new and exciting product, Malon Lon Milk, and everything to do with, well, fucking.

Rauru: Yeah, they could have at least gone into the profit margins and things.

Link: Something to think about for next time.

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