Sunday, April 8, 2012

Classic MST: "Time Changes Everything" by Halamee2559

In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space

We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:

Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “Baby I’m amazed at the way you love me all the time!”
Rauru! “Big pimpin’, eatin’ some cheese!”
Zelda! “Whoa, black Betty, bam-ba-lam!”
Link! “I ain’t got time to bleed!”
If you don’t get how he stays alive              
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!

Link: Okay, story! Do your worst. I’m ready. I am a positive person and I have many good friends. You can try to break down my Happy Wall, but my Fortress of Solidarity will never surrender! My Self-Esteemboat is sailing up the Confidence River!  You’re just trying to hook Guilt Fish from my Morality Pond, but I won’t let you! I...

DED: Don’t worry, Link. Whatever this story is cannot possibly be worse than the last.

Link: That’s right. You try to kill me, but it only makes me stronger! DO YOU HEAR THAT, EROTIC FANFICTION?!? YOU CANNOT BREAK ME! I AM INVINCIBLE!

Rauru: Huzzah!

Zelda: And ever since I took those anger management courses, I haven’t shot or stabbed Link for...nine days now!

Link: Come! It is the dawning of a glorious new era! Take my hand as we journey ever onward!

DED: Uh, I’m gonna pass, if that’s okay.

Link: Fine by me. You’d have to reach across Zelda anyway.

Rauru: I’ll hold your hand!

Link: GAH no no not okay never mind!

Rauru: What? It’s the Chee-tos, isn’t it...?

Zelda: Among other factors.

DED: Story ho!

>>It was a cold and wet evening in Hyrule.

Link: Very...very wet.

Zelda: And, um, cold?

Link: Darn. That’s not sexy, that’s just...disturbing.  

DED: I know! It would have been a thousand times better if it had been “It was a hot, wet evening in Hyrule.”

Rauru: “The luscious hills and valleys were dripping wet, and the...”

>>The skies were darkened by the fast-rolling clouds

Link: They see me rollin’, the hatin’!

DED: Forecastin’, they try’n’a catch me rainin’ dirty!

>>overhead, a storm in the making

Zelda: Tonight on a special presentation, we take a look behind the scenes...

>>to the far west.

Link: ‘Cause you know, west-side storms be all like, “Wooosh, I’m the god-damn storm, bitches!” But east-side storms all like, “Pshhew, baby, I’m a freaky-ass tempest!”

Rauru: Thank you! Thank you! I’m here all week!

>>And while most people were racing back and forth across Hyrule field to dodge the rain,

DED: Seriously? You’re running around in an open field, instead of indoors or under a tree, in the hopes of AVOIDING rain?

Zelda: Them farmers is dumb as hell.

>>one girl sat all alone in her room,

Link: Huh. I wonder how long THAT’S going to last.

Rauru: I give her chastity a lifespan of, oh, two pages.

>>the weather mirroring her own despondent heart.


DED: This thunderstorm, as well as Death Cab, like, totally captures my inner pain!

>>Malon, a beautiful young woman

Link: Assuming you ignore all the evidence to the contrary, sure!

Rauru: You know, I didn’t think Malon looked all that bad when she was here. Could stand to gain a few, of course...

Zelda: *sigh* Of course.

Rauru: ...but otherwise, I mean...what do you find so unattractive about her?

Link: Oh, I don’t know. The calloused, weather-beaten hands? The spine, crooked from years of bending? The hair, encrusted with hay and fecal particles, washed once or twice a year? The questionable-to-nonexistent degree of feminine hygiene? The vast, echoing emptiness of her bank account?

Zelda: None of which, you may note, apply to me.

Link: But mostly she was just a lousy lay.

Zelda: *twitch*

DED: God, why’d you have to bring that up again?

Link: Bring what up again?

Zelda: It’s okay, Link. This’s like a test, right? It’s the ultimate fucking test... (quivering)

Link: What is? Are your silly female emotions playing tricks on that beautiful brain of yours?

Zelda: Yes, Link. That is exactly what my problem is.

>>at the tender age of seventeen,

DED: Not quite legal! You are a pedo! Thank you, goodnight!

Zelda: Dude, why are you bitching? Just be glad she’s not a decade younger!

DED: Oh, God, don’t remind me...

Rauru: It was more of a chicken-tender age for me when I was seventeen.

DED: Great. Thanks for that, Rauru.

Rauru: ...although it was, to a significant degree, a tenderloin age as well.

>>stared out of her bedroom window as the storm continued to ravage the world

Link: The entire fucking world? Damn, that storm is serious business!

DED: Holy crap, is this, like, Fimbulwinter or something?

Zelda: You’re never at a loss for a way to be a geek, are you?

DED: That’s just how I roll.

>>outside, seemingly lost in her thoughts.

Link: This is why I avoid thinking if at all possible.

>>At the epitome of her youth,

Rauru: The very fucking DEFINITION!

>>Malon was gifted with a full figure

DED: Breasts, legs, fingers...ALL the options!

Zelda: With standard ABS, four-wheel drive and passenger air bags!

Link: I’d like to test YOUR air bags, sweet cheeks!

>>of sumptuous curves

Rauru: Deeee-licious.

>>and a slender, tight body

DED: Crushing...pressure...

Zelda: Dat shit’s hella tight, yo!

>>that would make most girls of her age quite envious of the young maiden's beauty.

Link: Yes, but it’s what’s inside that counts!

Zelda: You’re referring to the insides of her various orifices, right?

Link: No! (pause) ...yes.

Zelda: Hey, I don’t give a fuck. As long as it keeps you off of her.

>>Her skin, though pale, was absolutely flawless in every imaginable way:

Rauru: Except that it’s pale.

Link: I guess pale skin is simply...unimaginable!

DED: Protip: If you negatively qualify something with “though blank,” you cannot then go on to say “it was ABSOLUTELY FLAWLESS in EVERY IMAGINABLE WAY.”

Rauru: For instance: Hitler, though genocidally evil, was perfect in every conceivable fashion and could do no wrong.


>>soft and creamy from head to toe,

Link: Soft and creamy, like Steve Buscemi!

Zelda: What in the good God are you talking about?

Link: You know. Steve Buscemi. Mr. Pink? Hello?

>>with a glistening complexion

DED: C’mon, glistening? Really?

Link: I guess I’ll add “slug-like mucus sheath” to the list of reasons.

>>made to shine in the moonlight.

Rauru: So she’s slimy and glowing? Are you sure this isn’t an alien queen we’re talking about here?

Zelda: And also, moonlight? I thought there was a huge-ass storm cloud destroying the world.

DED: And also also, it’s literally a dark and stormy night? Seriously?

>>Deep crimson jewels


Rauru: No, that was Deep Pur...


Zelda: Whatever. It makes him happy.


>>so full of innocence and light

DED: So ripe for conquest.

>>sat inside a perfect, heart-shaped countenance

Zelda: What in the blue blazing fuck is THAT supposed to mean?

Rauru: Does she have, like, a monster widow’s peak, and a chin that comes to a sharp point, then?

>>thought to have been sculpted by the three Goddesses,

Link:’s...WHAT THE FUCK?

DED: WHO? WHO thinks Malon’s face was sculpted by the gods? Her fucking fan-club?

>>Din, Farore, and Naryu gazed longingly out the windows,


Link: Okay, now you’re getting religion involved. That is just right out.

DED: I’ll take Gargantuan Clusterfuck Sentences for 500, Alex! Okay! “This group of words is both hideously run-on and impenetrably confusing, and it’s not even over yet.” What is “this sentence we’re reading right now?” Congratulations! You win the grand fucking prize!

>>full pink lips agape

Zelda: So she’s LITERALLY being a slack-jawed yokel.

Rauru: Unless, of course, we’re talking about the other variety of full pink lips.

Zelda: Euuggh.

Link: Although it would explain what she’s doing all alone in her room: masturbating to thunderstorms.

>>in breathless silence.

Rauru: If her lips are agape, why is she breathless? Not like it’s hard for her to breathe.

DED: I guess this story caters to the rare “say something and then contradict it in the same sentence” fetish.

Zelda: Contrarian-fetishists are hard to have relationships with, because they keep saying things like, “I love you with all my heart except I don’t!”

>>A flowing waterfall of straight, ruddy-ginger hair cascaded down Malon's back

DED: Well, you know what they say about going chasing waterfalls.

Zelda: Don’t?

DED: Precisely!

>>to her waist, the lustrously soft mane


Link: Uh, yeah.


>>shimmering like the stars.

Zelda: Sooooo...her hair has a vast, intricate web of tiny scintillating points of light that form constellations?

DED: Geez, I don’t mean to be harsh, but this author just CANNOT put together a simile.

Link: Who are you trying to kid?

DED: Okay, I admit it. I am deliberately trying to be harsh. It is the only thing that can bring a spark of joy to my cold, black heart.

>>The thick mane

Rauru: SEE?

Link: Yes, for Christ’s sake, Rauru!


Zelda: I wonder if they’re going to compare her feet to cloven hooves or something.

>>of hair fell over her eyes as it grew out; her unruly bangs

DED: Riot police deployed tear gas. Four were wounded and 27 arrests were made.

>>having been left alone for all these years...

Link: Beware! He who disturbs these bangs will suffer...the CURRRRSE of the UNKEMPT HAIR!!

DED: So, years? Really? We’re talking The Ring-levels of bangs-over-face here.

>>much to the chagrin of her father.

Rauru: “You are NOT leaving the house with your bangs like THAT, missy!”

Zelda: “But DAAAA-aaad!”

Rauru: “No ‘buts’! Those bangs make you look like a filthy Singapore whore and you know it!”

>>With her hands resting in her lap, Malon's attire consisted of a short blue and white sundress

Link: What the hell do her hands being in her lap have to do with her outfit? Does it change or something? Does she have active camouflage?

>>with a unique set of black curls designed into the cloth,

DED: Oh yeah, sure, she wears Christian Freakin’ Dior.

>>the short sleeves pulled back to reveal thin, hairless arms

Zelda: that a turn-on?

Rauru: I’M not turned on.

Link: Nope.

DED: Nada.

Zelda: Well, all right then.

>>that tapered down into smallish manicured hands.

Link: Where in the hell does a farmer’s daughter get a freakin’ manicure?!

Rauru: Can you just imagine her going, “Sorry, I can’t muck out the sty, my nails are drying”?

Zelda: She’s perhaps the most pretentious farmhand ever.

>>The skirt accentuated her long, shapely legs and creamy thighs

Link: Ya gots some great gams, dollface! Let’s blow this popcorn stand!

>>in a tantalizingly risqué fashion

DED: Uh...huh. Agrarian boudoir.

Zelda: Judging by Malon’s typical outfit, “tantalizingly risqué” seems to mean “completely covered.”

>>for the petite-framed girl, the buttery-smooth flesh

DED: For some reason that just gives me the jibblies. ‘Slike she’s all greasy or something.

Rauru: I don’t know what YOUR problem is, but any attempt to compare a girl to a delicious biscuit is good by me.

>>just begging to be caressed.

Link: Oh, sure, that’d be easy if, you know, THERE WERE ANYONE ELSE IN THE STORY.

DED: So I guess we’ve established that Malon touches herself ALL the TIME. Good to know.

>>Shades of gray covered the skies today,

Rauru: Oh, is THAT the deal with the whole world-ravaging thundercloud of death?

>>unleashing torrents of rainwater down upon the ranch,

Zelda: You can practically FEEL the author hammering this point home.

Rauru: Or maybe it’s that fifth of Johnny Walker.

Zelda: Shut yo’ face. I’ve been cutting back, you know. For instance, this flask is full of port, not schnapps.

DED: We’re all so very proud.

Link: Baby steps, dearest. Baby steps.

>>with the occasional flicker of lightning streaking by overhead.


>>‘It’s raining again…’

Link: Hooray! We have dialogue!

Zelda: About damn time!

Rauru: Too bad the dialogue is rather...howyousay...retarded?

Link: Gee, Malon, what tipped you off? The huge black clouds? The flashes of lightning? THE FUCKING WATER FALLING OUT OF THE SKY?!?

>>Six months… it had been six months since Link had left the ranch,

DED: I don’t get it. Every time we have the “lonely-horny-Malon”-style setup, it’s invariably described as Link “leaving the ranch.” But it’s not like he was freaking living there or anything.

Link: Hell, I showed up, got Epona’s Song, and got the hell away from that singing as fast as I could.

>>and Malon had never been the same since.

Zelda: Well, yeah, I mean, she’d be starting on her third trimester by now...

Rauru: Da dum, TSHH!

>>She had spent most of her life as a normal farm girl should,

DED: Brown sugar! How come ya taste so good? Brown sugar! Just like a farm girl should!

>>each day as fleeting and uneventful as the last,

Link: Hey, I mean, being a farmer must not be THRILLING, but I never thought it would be such an existential wasteland...

Rauru: Maybe her days are fleeting and uneventful because she spends them manicuring her nails instead of doing actual work.

>>until he showed up.

DED: Yesterday...I’m not half the man I used to be...

Zelda: What is it with you guys and the song refs today?

DED: I just got a song in my heart!

Rauru: Me too! Oh, wait, that’s cholesterol.

>>Then, everything changed.

Link: Dun dun DUNNNNN!!!

>>Link had managed to rescue the ranch from the evil clutches of Ingo

Zelda: Well, to be fair, he wasn’t exactly clutching it.

DED: He was really just standing around on it while laughing his braying, donkey-like laugh.

>>and his whining hypocritical toadies that sponsored him,

Link: Uh, you mean Ganondorf? I’m pretty sure it was Ganondorf sponsoring him.

Zelda: You know, usually the people who’re sponsoring you aren’t what you’d call your toadies.

Rauru: “You! Witless lackeys! Can I have some more money, please?”

>>and soon afterward had won the heart of Epona, as well as her own.

Zelda: Malon is as easy to woo as a horse? Yeah, I’ll buy that.

>>Malon let out an audible sigh as she dipped her head down

DED: I know I’ve been saying this a lot, so at the risk of sounding redundant...Really? Dipped? REALLY?

Zelda: I get the feeling we’re going to be reacting to this story with incredulous disbelief rather frequently.

>>to watch the droplets dancing on the window,

Link: Yes, dancing the traditional “Sticking to Glass and Then Slowly Sliding Towards the Ground” dance.

>>the glass streaming with the tears of the sky.

Rauru: “today it was raining & it was like the glass was streaming with the tears of the sky...don’t feel like posting cos it reminds me of link all the people who have dumped me over the phone passed me just going to eat rocky road icecream & write some nocturnes. Current Mood: Malaise. Listening To: Taking Back Sunday—You’re So Last Summer.

Link: Hey, I did NOT dump her over the phone. How could I have seen the look on her face?

>>“Such, were splendid times,” she said softly.

DED: And on the pedestal these words appear: "My name is Ozymandias, king of kings: Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!" Nothing beside remains: round the decay of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare, the lone and level sands stretch far away.

Zelda: Haunting.

>>Life had been so fun for her back then.

Link: Geez, I was only there for about an hour...

>>She mulled over those fond memories,

Zelda: “Like when he walked over...and then he said that thing...and then he rode that horse...and then he said that other thing...and then he left. Siiiiigh...”

>>praying that they stayed with her till the day she died.

Rauru: Your parents? Your siblings? Your children? Your favorite birthday party? Your senior prom? Nah, who cares about remembering that crap when you could remember five minutes of Link riding around on a horse?

DED: Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to miiiiiind...


Link: Yeah huh what?

>>Just thinking about him brought her to tears,

Rauru: Link: Bringer of Woe.

>>her heart fluttering against her chest. He was her knight, her savior,

Link: Saving her was actually pretty incidental to me just getting the damn horse.

>>the one who would clash against darkness just to be with her.

DED: And by “clash against darkness,” she means, “walk across a field.”

Link: And by “be with her,” she means, “steal things from her farm.”

>>Only several months had passed since he had left the ranch,

Zelda: And by “several,” she means “half a dozen.”

>>but to her it felt like a lifetime.

DED: And you may tell yourself, “This is not my beautiful house!” And you may tell yourself, “This is not my beautiful wife!”

>>‘The light from my life has gone out…’

Rauru: God, woman, get the fuck over it!

DED: Or if you’re gonna kill yourself, get it over with! Just grab a pitchfork or something and stand outdoors in that lightning storm, it’s not hard!

>>She had hoped that one day he would come back for her…

Zelda: “Hey, uh, I think I left my keys around here somewhere...”

>>But he never did.

Rauru: Damn, Link, you are COLD as ICE!

Link: Look, I was kind of busy saving the flippin’ world, okay?

>>And now she had to dredge through life with a heavy heart.

Zelda: Wow, you know, this is really, really not sexy.

Link: Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

>>“He’ll come back someday… I know he will.”

DED: And he shall return to earth and reign for a thousand years and the Rapture and so on...

>>Malon’s bottom lip trembled; biting down on it did little to help.

Rauru: Seriously, it was vibrating like a jackhammer! NOTHING could stop it!

>>And now…

DED: ...a cello solo.

>>her eyes were flowing with unchecked tears.

Zelda: Well don’t just sit there! DO something about it, fer chrissakes!

>>“(Sniff-)… Link… please, come back…”

Link: From outer space! I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face!

Rauru: I like that little “sniff.” That’s classy.


DED: I know! Can you believe it?

>>A soft, yet unmistakably male voice roused her attention

Zelda: Yep, Malon gets roused at the first sign of anything even REMOTELY male.

>>to the doorway. Her crying suddenly ceased; how could she have been so foolish?

Rauru: YOU FOOL!


>>The redhead had left her door wide open for anyone to see and hear her grieving,

DED: Yep. Grieving, all right. Grieving all night long.

Link: She’s such an exhibitionist.

>>something she felt deeply embarrassed about.

Zelda: Well, to be fair, he’s not actually dead.

>>Drawing in a quick breath,

Link: So, sketching it, then?

Rauru: ...

Link: Well?

Rauru: No. You don’t even get a rim shot.

>>Malon turned her head partially to the open door — keeping her bleary-eyes

DED: And your bleary-eyes and your wireless-fidelity-inter-net-communicators and your one-quarter-pound-ham-burger-sandwiches...

>>facing the window.

Zelda: That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, losing my virginity! Trying to...

>>“W-Who is it?” she asked, her voice quavering.

Link: And now, for my grand entrance...

>>“It’s me, Nego…”

Link: ...wait, WHAT?


>>Feeling moderately relived,

Zelda: Thank God, it’s a total stranger in my room for some reason!

>>she quickly wiped away her tears,

Rauru: Don’t cry, there’s a strange man here to help you!

>>and turned to regard a young farmhand with ebony hair just grazing his shoulders.

DED: Wow, Fabio’s career really took a dive...

>>He had a somewhat conceited look on his youthful, handsome face.

Link: Hey, us youthful handsome people are entitled to be a little conceited, okay?

>>“Are you okay…?” he asked, giving Malon a semi-worried look.
Rauru: I guess he just gives a semi-damn.

>>“I heard you… crying.”

DED: “You KNOW what happens...when I hear people crying.”

>>Malon sniffled, standing to her feet. “Y-Yes…” she stuttered,

Zelda: “Also, who the fuck are you and what are you doing in my room?”

>>smoothing out her short dress with her hands.

Link: Ah HA! Her cloak is wrinkled!

Rauru: And we all know what THAT means.

Link: Although to be honest, we suspected all along.

>>“I’m fine.”

DED: You fine, girl!

>>She bit her bottom lip, trying to hold back a sob

Zelda: I’d like to hold back this S.O.B. story myself.

>>that was threatening to escape.

DED: “DeaR MaLOn: LEaVE $2o,00o,o0o iN AN eNvEloPe NeXT to ThE LeFT noStRiL oR I wiLL MAKe U cRy dO NoT CALL thE CoPs SiGneD A Sob.”

>>The pretty redhead couldn’t meet Nego’s gaze,

Rauru: Yep, the white girl just can’t look the Nego in the eye.

>>too ashamed of being caught in the middle of her self-pity.

Link: Replace the “i-t” with “l-a” and you have a more accurate summary.

Zelda: Nego to the left of me, thunder to the right, here I am, caught in the middle with you!

>>“Is she alright?”

DED: “I heard a gunshot, anOH MY GOD!”

>>came an identical tone from behind the dark-haired boy.

Zelda: Ventriloquismsecks?

>>Malon brought her eyes slowly to the second figure

Rauru: “GAH! What the hell are those?”

Zelda: “They’ eyes...I...brought you them.”

Rauru: “What the hell, lady? I don’t want ‘em!”

>>as he stepped beside the young man, Nego’s twin brother Suno.

DED: Great. Just great.

Link: Are they identical or fraternal twins?

DED: How should I know?

Link: Well, SHIT! Now it’s gonna drive me crazy!

>>“You haven’t been looking well lately, Malon.”

Zelda: “GGGAKKK,”

Rauru: “Yeah, you know? Something’s just a little off about you.”

Zelda: “Aakkkkkk...elp...gurgle...”

>>Normally the sight of the two of them would cause a lot of girls to have a nigh permanent blush,

Link: I guess they’re just embarrassingly ugly?

>>and Malon was no exception.

DED: So...she’s been blushing this whole time, and we didn’t know? How’s THAT for accountability!

>>Around twenty years of age,

Rauru: I guess when they’re done here they’re going to go trolling the high schools for cheerleaders...

Zelda: I love these guys already.

>>the newest farmhands had lean, muscular bodies

Link: But of course.

>>and skin as pale as the moon,

DED: Oh, yeah, work them corpse-white abs!

Zelda: Lemmie see those fish-belly pecs!

Rauru: Shake that cadaverous butt!

>>making them undeniably attractive.

Zelda: I deny! I DENY!

>>Most people would pass them off as being albino,

DED: Hence, undeniably attractive.

Link: Hey, man, rule 34.

>>except their barely shoulder length hair was raven black.

DED: For some reason, I find myself imagining them both sounding like James from Team Rocket.

>>They were the twin sons of Ingo,

Link: Wait, WHAT? Oh, gross!

Zelda: What the hell, man? Is this like Stockholm syndrome for Malon here? Does she not realize whom she’s about to jump on the bone of?

Link: Now how in the hell did I never find out about them? Seems kind of important, doesn’t it?

DED: Well, were you honestly going to chat with Ingo and ask him if he had a family?

Zelda: Personally, I’d be more interested in knowing what sad excuse for a woman was actually willing to touch his gummy self.

DED: Thank you, Zelda, that was totally something I wanted to envision!

>> the once ruthless ranch owner of Lon Lon.

Rauru: But he’s kind of mellowed out, you know?

Link: People change, man.

>>At first, she had despised them both,

Zelda: Well, that’s probably the last logical and appropriate reaction she’s going to have for the rest of the story.

>>mainly due to there association with the man that had nearly driven her father into drunken apathy,

DED: *snort*

Rauru: Oh, mainly because they’re associated with the guy who ruined her life? And what, secondarily because they kept peeing on the toilet seat?

>>over the loss of his ownership of the land.

Link: This land is my land, this land’s not your land...

>>However, she had soon learned that they had neither the capacity to be cruel, nor the desire to be;

DED: Well, c’mon, what DO they have?

>>which she thanked all three of the divine Goddesses for.

Rauru: Give us your blessings, oh mighty Sabrina, Jill, and Kelley.

Zelda: ...What?

Rauru: Oh, snap. Those were Charlie’s Angels. Never mind.

>>Or at least, that's what she had been led to believe...

Link: Lightning flash! KRAKADOOM!

DED: Who had led her to believe this? They themselves?

Rauru: “Oh, hi, we’re not totally evil.”

Zelda: “Okay!”

>>‘Ingo never mentioned anything about having sons… I wonder why?’

Rauru: Probably because he never knew the condom broke, dude.

Zelda: Ingo isn’t exactly a caring, attentive person, after all.

DED: Hold on, if she already knows that they’re his sons, why is she only just now wondering why no one ever told her anything about them?


Rauru (bass): Helloooooo...

DED (baritone): Helloooooo...

Link (tenor): Helloooooo...


>>Suno waved his hand in front of her face, “You with us, Malon?”


>>Malon hadn’t even realized that she had been gazing at them so intently,

Zelda: Uh huh. Remarkable how quickly she forgets about Link over here.

>>and promptly dropped her head in embarrassment.

DED: If you head is embarrassing you---drop it like it’s hoooOOOOOT! Drop it like it’s hooooOOOOOT!

>>“I’m sorry…”

Rauru: Look, guys, she obviously doesn’t want you around, okay? Geez!

>>A small blush always made itself know on her cheeks whenever they were in her presence, like it was now.

Link: That was probably the most roundabout sentence I’ve ever read.

Zelda: I’m pretty sure your cheeks are ALWAYS “in your presence.”

>>“You don’t have to worry about me….”

DED: “C’mon, what are we paying you for, counseling? Get back to work!”

>>Malon lowered her head to hide her coloring face,

Rauru: Is that like a coloring book? Where you can draw on her face with crayons?

>>a glimpse of a smile fringing at the corners of her mouth.

Zelda: Smiles are well-known for fringing.


DED: He kind of sounds like some goofy super-villain from the 1940s.

Rauru: “Neg-o! And his Neg-o-sphere!”

>>gave a small chuckle,

Link: Rofcmao?

>>“You always look so cute when you do that.”

DED: “You know, when you weep for your lost love? The guy who isn’t us? That?”

Rauru: Wow, these guys are creepy!

Zelda: Soooo creepy.

>>Malon’s blush worsened even more so,

DED: It’s going critical!

Link: Code blue!

>>“Do what?” she asked, feigning ignorance.

Zelda: I’m not really feigning anything here; I really don’t know what the hell they’re getting at.

>>The redhead finally looked up to see that the twins had a playful glint in their eyes…

Link: Sha-HEEEEN!

DED: Lens-flariffic!

>>one that made her feel a little anxious.

Rauru: You know that thing Waluigi did, when you scored a point in Mario Tennis on the N64? Yeah, like that.

>>“Oh, I think you know,”

DED: No, we seriously don’t!

>>Suno replied nonchalantly, smiling. “After all,” he threw his arms around Nego’s shoulders.

Zelda: Um, after all, he threw his arms around Nego’s shoulders? What...?

>>“We are quite handsome… right brother?”

Rauru: “Yeah, brah!”

DED: You know, my problem isn’t being helped by the fact that their dialogue sounds EXACTLY like things that James from Team Rocket would say, too.

Zelda: In that case, I’d say that hearing their dialogue in James’ voice is perfectly normal and, indeed, exactly what the author was going for.

>>Nego turned his head and smiled just the same. “Yes indeed.”

Link: Yep. I’m hot. That’s me pretty much.

DED: No, wait, these guys also sound like Wolf O’Donnell circa Star Fox 64. You know, “You’re good...but I’M BETTER!”

Rauru: Aaaaaaand now, yeah, you’re basically referencing things that only you will appreciate.

>>The twins laughed lightly, and almost simultaneously,

Zelda: Hokay, now we’re moving into serial-killer territory.


>>they fixed their brown eyes on hers again, grinning.


>>Malon felt her heart quicken in pace.

Rauru: Is it love? Or is it sheer terror?

>>Despite the twins having lived with her for a couple of weeks,

Link: So why does she seem so surprised to see them?

>>the way they were behaving towards her at times was… mischievous,

DED: I don’t quite see what them having lived with her for a couple weeks has to do with their behavior.

>>if a tad bit unsettling.

Zelda: Now THERE’S the smartest thing I’ve heard all day!

Link: At least the story is fairly self-aware.

>>It also gave her some rather “interesting” thought images at night.

DED: Innuendo? More like...innuendon’t!

Rauru: Yep, the “interesting thought image” industry is booming right now.

Zelda: Click here for young lusty sluts who want to give YOU the most interesting thought images you’ve ever had!

>>“Umm…” the redhead was feeling rather warmer than usual,

Link: I wonder why? I mean, there’s a thunderstorm going on outside, and the house can’t be all that well-insulated...

>>her stomach doing butterflies.

DED: “Doing” butterflies?

Rauru: Dot dot dot.

>>“What do you guys want…?” she asked in a small voice.

Zelda: Considering you’re talking to two men who just walked uninvited into your bedroom, there’re really only one or maybe two possible answers.

>>The hungry look they had in their eyes

Link: Hungry like the wolf.

>>was making her sweat a little…

DED: Look, we can do this that hard way or the easy way, toots.

Zelda: I ain’t tellin’ ya nothin’, coppers!

DED: Ain’t that a shame. *cracks knuckles*

>>“-You,” Suno declared,

Link: I want’chuuuuu! I want’chu so ba-aa-aa-aad it’s drivin’ me mad, it’s drivin’ me maaaaad...

>>smiling at the shocked reaction

Rauru: Why is she shocked? I mean, they went on and on for like four paragraphs describing how hot she is.

>>from the redheaded farm girl.

Link: Is this the origin of the phrase, “beaten like a redheaded farm girl?”

DED: Yes, because you just invented it.

Link: Oh. Sweet!

>>“I have to say that I’m not the first to admit that you are a maiden most fair, Malon.”

Zelda: Wow, I just love that this faux-Shakespearean dialogue comes from a greasy-haired Italian vampire.

DED: You...huh?

Zelda: C’mon, they’re totally Italians. I’m just saying what you’re all thinking.

>>The red-haired beauty had to digest those words for a moment.


Link: I guess that’s the logical thing to do after one eats one’s words.

>>She knew that her beauty had not gone unnoticed by the young men, or the numerous customers that came by the ranch

DED: Well, I guess we know what the REAL draw is!

>>for its infamous Lon Lon Milk,

Link: Really? Infamous? What for?

Rauru: I guess you could call it their Notorious M.I.L.K.

DED: Sure, if you wanted to reference a decade-old dead-rapper controversy, like a decade-old-dead-rapper-controversy-referencing douchebag. Douchebag.

Zelda: Well, as FDR says, it’s a milk that will live in infamy.

>>Sure, she checked them out fairly often when they weren’t looking,

Link: What a wholesome young lady she is!

Rauru: And what a wholesome farm they run!

>>even going so far as to sneak a peek at them while they were changing,

Zelda: Oh, COME ON.

DED: Why on earth is she at ALL surprised that they’re coming on to her? She’s practically got a neon sign over her head that says “HORNY.”

>>but it was just for fun… or was it?

Link: You know what they say, it’s all fun and games until you get raped during a thunderstorm.

Rauru: Then it’s neither fun nor game.

>>“-And I think we know of just the way to make you feel better…” Nego suggested with a wink.

Zelda: *sensually* Bath salts.

>>Malon’s eyes widened, “W-What…? You can’t possibly mean…”

DED: “You’re going to listen compassionately while I talk about my feelings and offer comfort and moral support?”

Link: Fuck no! What man has ever done THAT?

>>Of course she knew what they meant; they wanted to have sex with her…

Rauru: I’m not exactly sure this will be completely helpful, buuuuut...

DED: This is a definite case of the cure being worse than the disease.

>>“Come on,” Nego griped playfully.

Zelda: I wanna have sexxxxxxx!

>>“It’ll be fun. Besides you could use some loving anyway...”

DED: Ahem. “All my l...” No, wait, uh, “All you need is l...” No, how about “Love, love me d...” Well, shoot! I could reference pretty much every Beatles song right here.

>>“But… I-I-I…”

Link: Ai-yi-yi indeed.

>>Malon stuttered, trailing off.

Rauru: “Maybe...we...shouldn’t...with the humbledy grumbledy hammana hooo...”

>>As much as she hated to admit it,

DED: It’s time to stop living the lie.

>>a darker, more twisted side of her nature was curious…

Zelda: Soooo...having perfectly normal sexual desires is “dark” and “twisted?”

Link: Well, they ARE the sons of her worst enemy...

>>The blush returned, with a vengeance.

Rauru: Blush Hard with a Vengeance?

DED: The prequel to Live Free or Blush Hard.

>>She shook her head fiercely,

Zelda: Yii-eee-yii-eee-yiii!

>>her lavish locks of red hair slapping against her face.

DED: we sing the traditional Fish Slapping Song!

>>“No…!” she cried out; her voice sounded a bit panicky,

Rauru: Do people really ever cry out “No!” in a calm, even tone?

>>“It's not right...

Link: Don’t need to tell us twice.

>>My father will...-”

Zelda: Get drunk and pass out, probably.

>>“Talon won’t be home anytime soon,” said Suno,

Link: Well, yes, but he is coming home EVENTUALLY...

Zelda: He’s not exactly a long-term thinker, this Suno character.

>>his grin never faltering.

Rauru: Never surrender!


>>“He left the ranch only a few minutes ago

Rauru: And already Malon was in her room weeping in a thunderstorm about how lonely she is.

>>and won't be back from Kakariko Village for a few days... longer if this weather holds."

Link: Given that there’s a humongous thundercloud DESTROYING THE ENTIRE WORLD, I’d say he’d be lucky to get back alive, ever.

DED: Or at least in time to see Thor fight Jormungandr.


DED: Because, you know. Ragnarok.

Zelda: GOD!

>>The young farm girl was flabbergasted by the boldness of the twins.

DED: <b>twins</b>

Zelda: GOD!!!

>>They had never been so... forward like this before,

Rauru: Not backward, upward, not forward, and always twirling, TWIRLING towards freedom!

>>almost like they weren't completely thinking things through.

Link: Blue balls much?


DED: “Listen, honey, we are SICK and TIRED of you not sleeping with us, and it’s high time...”

>>One of them appeared to have been holding a full bottle with gold honey-like goo

Rauru: Huh. Well, could it perhaps be, I dunno, honey?

>>inside as well; most likely Chu Jelly.

Rauru: Oh, no, wait, you’re right. Gold honey-like goo is most likely not honey. It’s probably dead monster secretion.

DED: Occam’s razor lolwut?                                   

>>It made her feel... vulnerable, naughty.

Zelda: What, a bottle of goo?

Link: She’s really grasping at the straws of arousal here.

>>"Are... are you guys... drunk?" the meek farm girl asked, her heart beating ever faster.



>>"What? This?" Nego lifted up said bottle to emphasize,

Zelda: “You mean this bottle, here, in my hand, that I am holding, right now?”

>>"Nah, this is some of that really, really good stuff your father has in the cellar.

DED: Sooooo...they’re not drunk, they’ve just been drinking a mysterious liquid they found in the cellar.

>>Can't remember what he called it, only that it was supposed to be kept away from you for some odd reason."

Rauru: “Hydrochloric somethingorother. Anyway, cheers!”

Zelda: Nego and Suno: Pillars of Responsibility.

>>Now she was nervous.

DED: Oh, it is on now. IT is ON.

>>Whatever it was that the twins had managed to dredge up from the basement,

Link: Is their basement a swamp or something?

DED: Well, maybe it will be after this thunderstorm, ‘mirite ‘mirite?

Rauru: There are older and fouler things than orcs in the deep places of the basement...

>>it was obviously not allowed for her to drink.

Link: Man! What is going to happen? The tension is almost palpable!

Zelda: No it isn’t, Link.

Link: Are you palping it?

Zelda: No I’m not, Link.

>>She opened her mouth to speak; only the words didn't come out.

'What will it... do to me?'

DED: “Hell if I know! That’s why you’re drinking it first!”

>>"It’s just the three of us…” Suno stated.

Zelda: That, uh, doesn’t exactly answer her question.

Link: “Just shut up and smoke it, ya skank-ass bitch!”

>>"No one else." the invitation in his voice made the girl quiver.

Rauru: How is this an invitation?

DED: “No one around, so you can suck my cock?” “No one else...but you is invited to my tea party?” “No one else...I invite you?”

>>"I... I-I... we..."

Zelda: I tell ya, if this is the best she can muster against two men trying to force themselves on her, she’s lucky she doesn’t live in the city.

>>Malon was really at a loss for words.

Link: “Well, uh, I didn’t have my rape-speech prepared...”

>>A lonely heart

DED: So may I introduce to you, the one and only Billy Shears! Sergeant Malon’s Lonely Hearts Club Baaaaaaaa-and!

>>and raging hormones were certainly not a healthy mix,

Zelda: Sounds like a recipe for some kind of heart disease. 

>>and as a result an odd sense of arousal was worming its way home deep inside of her belly.

Rauru: Uh, I’m not a doctor, but that doesn’t sound like arousal.

Link: Have you been eating undercooked pork lately?

>>But even so, she didn't want to loose her purity, her unclaimed innocence to them.

DED: “Ah, attention travelers, we have an unclaimed innocence at baggage claim 4, unclaimed innocence at baggage claim 4.”

>>It would have been him to take her as his...

Zelda: That is WAY too many pronouns, right there.

DED: And it doesn’t even make a whole lot of sense.


Rauru: He come to town! He come to save the princess Zelda!

>>She couldn’t think about this anymore.

Link: Whatth...huh?

Zelda: THAT’S kind of random!

>>Suno released his brother and slowly,

DED: ...You cannot imagine how stealthily, stealthily...until at length a single dim ray fell upon the vulture eye! The old man’s hour had come!

>>the pair strode into her room, closing the door behind them.

Rauru: If they’re so alone, and it’s just the three of them, why did they close the door, huh?

>>“No…” she pleaded, backing up. “Stay away from me.”

Zelda (monotone): “Oh god please no don’t fulfill my raging sexual desires. I am too young and innocent please oh please help.”

Link: “Look, we know what’s best! We’ll rape your sorrows away!”

>>Malon was rather surprised that her words didn’t have any venom to them,

DED: I guess her venom glands were empty.

>>almost as if she wanted them to do things to her.


Zelda: How very interesting!

>>Nego stepped in close to her, while Suno circled around behind.

Link: One member of the pack distracts the prey, while another circles around for the kill...

DED: I like to picture them, beforehand, drawing their moves like a football coach on a big whiteboard, like, with Xs and Os.

>>She could feel their body heat on her skin and shuddered.

Zelda: Geeeaeeeeuuuhhhhhh...

>>A sweet, spicy scent filled her head,


DED: Someone must have plugged in her brain freshener.

>>one that made her feel lightheaded. A resounding pop

Rauru: POP-op-op-op-op-op-op...

Zelda: How resounding? Like, gunshot resounding?

>>was heard as the cork on the bottle was pulled away,


Rauru: Hey, wait, how could a sweet, spicy scent fill her head BEFORE the bottle got opened?

>>and before Malon could respond, found the thick, viscous fluid of the unknown Chu Jelly being shoved down her throat,

DED: Charming!

Rauru: These protagonists have my complete and unqualified support!

>>her lips pressed hard against the glass mouth of the bottle.

DED: I was drowning my sorrows in dark whiskey sours in my office. Smoke hung in the air like a hanged man. Just then there was a knock. I reached for my .44 but grabbed nothing but dreams and empty air. It was a dame. Dames is always trouble.

>>"Mmmmph..." she tried resisting at first,

Zelda: Resistance is futile!

>>but Suno had managed to hold her steady while the contents of the bottle were emptied into Malon's body.

Link: I am really, really starting to not like the places this story is taking me.

Zelda: Link, Link, come on. Keep it together.

Link: Happy places...happy places...

>>The taste of it was undeniably sweet, if not a little rich, tickling down her throat as she was force-fed the whole thing...

DED: Oh. Awesome. This is totally turning me on right here.

>>When Nego finally had the last of the Chu Jelly in her system,

Zelda: Our Heroes, ladies and gentlemen.

>>she opened her eyes and stared at him in an innocuous daze, the effects having a strong impact on her senses.

Rauru: The colors!


>>Her whole body felt as if it were burning inside;


>> hot and sweet.

Rauru: And it’s available now at participating Taco Bells!

Link: What are, Chu roofies?

>>"What-... what did... you...?"

DED: I think it’s pretty obvious what they did.

>>The twin in front of her held his hands to her hips,

Link: Gotta staunch the bleeding! Someone call 911!

>>and moved down towards her neck, his warm breath dancing across her face.

Rauru: Oh, I’d like to dance on her face, all right.


Zelda: Oh, THAT’S what you did.

>>Malon sighed as warm lips met with the exposed flesh of her neck,

DED: They always leave the neck exposed...

>>teeth nipping lightly at her skin.

Link: What kind of guy does it take for their first instinct when making out with a girl is to fucking BITE them?

Zelda: Apparently, this kind.

>>She tilted her head back as Nego smothered his lips into her throat,

Rauru: Say what?

>>extracting more silent moans from her mouth

DED: Silent moans? SERIOUSLY?

Zelda: “90...95...100%...moan extraction complete.”

>>even as a pair of hands snaked around her waist from behind.

Link: They came from...behind!

>>‘Why, am I liking this so much,’ she thought,

Zelda: Because you’re a slut?

>>her hands sliding up the front of Nego’s body. ‘…Is this what I really want?’

Rauru: ‘Cuz girls, they wanna have fuh-unnn, oh girls just wanna have fun!

>>“Mmm…” she felt Suno pressing close into her back,

Link: Wait, is she still sitting, or what?

>>his hardness grazing between her posterior

DED: Yep, free-range hardness, grazing wild and untamed between her posterior...

Rauru: Ah, the life of a hardness rancher.

>>as he pulled her flush against him.

Zelda: Oh yeah? I pull a full house against him! Beat THAT!

Link: Four aces!

Zelda: Curses! You win this round, Mr. Bond!

>>A flood of warmth rose in her body

Rauru: Thousands drowned.

>>as her nether lips tingled in desire,

DED: “Nether lips” comes off sounding terribly sinister.

Zelda: “Nether-” pretty much anything will wind up sounding pretty grim.

>>making her moan. She felt sick for becoming aroused by this,

Link: Or maybe it’s the large bottle full of unidentified liquid she’d been force-fed that was making her sick? You think? Maybe?

>>but a part of her said: It feels so good…!

Zelda: That part would be her vagina, I’m presuming.

>>Without thinking about it, she leaned back in Suno’s embrace,

Link: Now lean back. Lean back.

>>rubbing her bum against his straining erection.

Zelda: Suno is a hobo-sexual!

>>She heard him sigh into her ear,

Rauru: “Oh, for...can you do ANYTHING right?”

>>which only served to release more endorphins into her bloodstream.

DED: Awesome! I was thinking we’d NEVER get to read a story about sex on the chemical level!

Zelda: Oh God, here we go...

DED: She would also be releasing dopamine and norepinephrine, which...

Link: Yeah, I figured this would happen.

DED: ...caused by high levels of oxytocin, which stimulates the release of...

Rauru: Don’t listen! The science will corrupt your mind!

DED: ...prolactase, which has been found to be…

Zelda: It’s prolactin, not prolactase.

Link: Hwha?

DED: Oh, you’re right. Prolactin. Mah B.

Link: You actually know these things?

Zelda: Sure. Triforce of Wisdom? Anyone?

DED: So why do you always call me a nerd?

Zelda: Because you’re a NERRRRRRRRDDD!

DED: But...


DED: You couldv...


DED: Wh...

Zelda: —ERD!

>>Malon’s blush deepened even further

Rauru: To what, like, purple?

Link: THAT’S not sexy or cute. That’s...unnatural...

>>as he slid his hands underneath her shirt…

Zelda: Oh. The suspense.

>>“Ahh…” she moaned, shivering as strong digits traced the curvature of her breast.

DED: The curvature of Malon’s breast, like the curvature of spacetime, bends when near a large mass.

Zelda: You just will not shut up, will you? *reaches for gun, finds nothing* Y...oh. Right.

Link: Zelda, honey princess? Remember what they told you.

Zelda: Counting to ten. Counting to ten. Deep breaths. Bloodbaths just get the floor messy...

>>She had always been well-endowed in that area,

DED: The bosoms you are caressing have been funded by the Malon Endowment for Breastular Excellence, and contributions from viewers like you.

>>and as a result the nerves in her breasts were unusually sensitive to touch,


DED: Now, I’m no breastologist, but I somehow don’t think there’s a connection.

>>especially when...

Zelda: Uh...especially when it’s raining outside? Is it the low barometric pressure or something?


Link: Make ‘em say unhh!

>>Suno began to stroke her angel soft breasts

DED: Hey, man, if you think angels are soft, read the frickin’ Bible. All they do is show up and smite the fuck out of people with flaming swords.

Rauru: You might be generalizing just a tiny bit, there.

DED: Literally, ALL they do.

>>with his palms, squeezing the plump flesh greedily

Link: I dream of having a huge bank vault full of breasts that I can jump into and swim around in, like Scrooge McDuck.

DED: You know what? That sounds absolutely horrifying.

>>in a way that drove Malon crazy.

Zelda: “...I was thinking of calling it ‘Two Twin Brothers Squeezing My Breasts Make Malon...something something.’”

Rauru: “...Go...crazy?”


>>She whimpered softly with her head tilted back

Rauru: I always said head-back-tilt-soft-whimpers are the best kind.

>>when he brushed her swollen peaks;

Link: I have a sneaking suspicion this story is actually a filled-in Mad Lib.

DED: “When he (past-tense verb) her (adjective) (euphemism for “breasts”)...”

>>her soft, tender nipples sent unprecedented arcs of pleasure

Zelda: “The Unprecedented Pleasure Arcs:” Great name for a band, or the GREATEST name for a band?

>>throughout her entire body.

All of it was pooling like melted glass in her womb,

Rauru: Whoa, whoa, wait, seriously?

DED: Fact: Glass melts at a temperature of approximately 2800 degrees Fahrenheit.

Link: So I guess she’s about to give birth to a marble or something?

>>pulsing, enticing.

Zelda: Searing, agonizing...

Link: Although Malon always did have a cervix like a crucible.

>>The redhead would have fallen to her knees had the twins not been there,

Rauru: Pointing guns at her.

>>holding her... molesting her...

DED: You know, you’re right: it WOULD be too easy to write about people having sex of their own free will!

>>“Oohhhh…” Malon could feel the warm juices sluicing out of her slit

Zelda: Oh God, “sluicing?” This story is’s like...IT MAKES NO SENSE!

DED: This author’s word choice is like being shot in the face with pure high-caliber nonsense.

>>more freely now, the double-treatment the twins were giving her nearly overloading her senses.

Rauru: Warning! Warning! Sense overload! Self-destruct imminent!

>>Despite this however, her mind was in turmoil.

Link: Delightful!

Zelda: Wait, despite the fact that her senses were nearly overloaded, her mind is in turmoil? That doesn’t seem very contradictory. In fact, it seems like a perfectly normal causal relationship.

>>This was not the way she had wanted to loose her virginity,

DED: Cry havoc, and let loose the virginities!

>>and inwardly she chastised herself for becoming so heated by the two of them.

Rauru: Hey, it’s not her fault that thermodynamics are the way they are.

DED: You know how it is.

>>Her train of thought was broken

Link: Aw, dammit, now I’m going to have to catch the 5:47 to Newark and change there.

>>when Suno’s other hand released her firm breast and trailed it down her navel

Zelda: He...trailed her breast down her navel? What? WHAT?!?

>>at a leisurely pace, moving towards the warmth between her exposed thighs.

DED: Like a moth to the flame.

Link: *TSSS* “Ow! Man, that IS warm...”

>>Malon felt her stomach involuntarily clench

Rauru: Sex with these two gents is, literally, gut-wrenching.

>>as several fingers dipped cautiously inside the waistband of her skirt,

Zelda: Careful, or the whole thing could blow!

>>his palm slipping under the fabric of her cotton knickers

DED: Bloody ‘ell! This lot o’ tossers is slotting pear-shaped, it is!

>>to glide across her bare pubis like silk.

Link: First Malon has a manicure, and then these two farmhands have silken palms? This is the most metrosexual farm ever.

>>“Ha-huff” the tingling in the farm girl’s womb became a flood of sensations,

Zelda: Wait, wait, wait, the sound of Malon being penetrated is “Ha-huff?” SERIOUS?

>>her loins burning with pleasure.

Rauru: Could you imagine if people said things like that out loud when having sex?

>>Shifting her legs, Malon welcomed Suno into her heat,

DED: Welcome to the jungle! We got fun ‘n games!

>>though at the moment he seemed content

Zelda: Well THAT’S hardly surprising!

Rauru: “Well...this is GOOD...but not GREAT...”

>>with merely cupping his hand over her sacred fountain.

Link: “Fountain” implies a certain level of...well...I’m really just not comfortable with that.

>>“Ohh… you’re so wet…”

DED: Goddamn it. Fluids.

Zelda: “Oh, sweet Christ, it’s like Old goddamn Faithful down here! What the hell, man?”

>>Suno remarked,

Rauru: Thanks for your relevant and insightful remark!

>>massaging the farm girl’s labia.

DED: I wonder why they keep referring to her so specifically.

Link: “Oh, THAT Malon!”

>>He was pleasantly surprised when Malon moaned a deep, feminine purr,

Zelda: ...and then hocked up a deep, feminine hairball.

Link: Okay, that’s the closest we ever get to furry, got it?

>>squeezing her thighs around his hand to trap it within her molten heat.

DED: Okay, seriously, 98.6 degrees isn’t exactly chilly or anything, but this is SERIOUS exaggeration.

Link: Is this supposed to sound pleasant? Who would want to stick their dick in a volcano?

>>“Ahhh…- please…” Malon uttered, inclining her head as Nego suckled on her neck.

Rauru: Mmm, suckling pig.

Zelda: So they’re comparing him to a pig? Finally, a metaphor I can get behind!


Whether it was a plea for more,

DED: Uhhh...“Please don’t” is pretty unambiguous.

>>or a cry for salvation,

Link: “Please don’t...forget about me your humble servant, O Jesus Christ my lord and savior!”

>>she was unsure. All Malon could do was relish in the incredible pleasures of the flesh;

Rauru: Oooh. Not on a good track for salvation, there.

DED: You’re one to talk, Rauru.

Rauru: *stuffing roast quail into mouth* Wuh? Wuh makthoo thay dat?

>>Nego’s soft lips awakening the nerves in her neck,

Zelda: I’m up, I’m up! What friggin’ time is it...

>>and Suno’s experienced hands

Link: Isn’t it nice to know that he’s done this to plenty of other women already?

>>caressing her nubile body in a way that was nothing short of exciting.

Zelda: Why, this sex is positively...tolerable!

>>“You’re breasts…”

Link: I am not!

DED: No, he’s talking to Malon. Malon is breasts.

Link: Pretty much.

Zelda: A scathing commentary on the objectification of women, or a sub-moronic grammar mistake? U-DECIDE!

>>Suno whispered svelte-like in her ear,

DED: “Whispered,” “svelte-like?” Oh, COME ON.

>>kneading the mound in his free hand.

Zelda: Mama mia! I bake-a you this pizza!

Rauru: Seriously, why do you think they’re Italians?

Zelda: Why do you think they’re not?

>>“So perfect… so soft…”

DED: Bellisimo!

Zelda: See, Dave gets it.

>>Malon whimpered slightly as his appendages slid against her rosy petals,

Link: Congratulations, story, you’ve euphemized so much that I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about anymore.

>>but before she could utter a protest

Rauru: Yep, he sure knows what he’s doing.

>>he began to rub her wet labia with deliberate strokes,

DED: So up to now, it’s just been random dumb luck?

Zelda: Can’t say I’d be all that surprised.

>>the warm juices pooling out of her honey pot at a steadier rate.

Link: It can’t help but occur to me that this is WAY more lubrication than can be strictly necessary.

Rauru: Isn’t it always?

>>Her breasts had swollen significantly under the persuasion of the twin’s massage,

DED: Huh? Man, if that actually worked...

Zelda: Don’t tease them! You’re only making them stronger!

>>and her pink-tipped pointy nipples stood out among the perfect curves as hard as ever.

Link: It’s just a welter of nonsensical adjectives!

>>“Mmmmm… Aah…! Ahh…”

Rauru: You know, I think we can all IMAGINE how Malon sounds when in ecstasy; we don’t REALLY need to see it written out every two sentences.

>>Suno kissed her neck as he groped her breasts

DED: Truly, he is a man of many talents.

>>and rubbed her lovely womanhood,

Zelda: Woooouldn’t it be loverly!

>>listening to her moan.


>>Malon felt her legs start to weaken,

Rauru: The Chu Jelly attacking her nervous system...

>>shuddering gasps escaping her lips as Nego lightly nipped at her throat.

DED: This is the most menacing sex we’ve ever read.

>>She reached up with one hand to run her fingers though Suno’s ebony hair,

Zelda: Eww.

>>pressing on the back of his head to smother his lips harder into her nape.

Link: Well, hopefully he’ll suffocate.

>>“Malon…” the voice of one of the twins brought her back from the shores of rapture,

Rauru: Arr, mateys! We be plunderin’ o’er the shores o’ rapture!

Zelda: Back to the Costal Wetlands of Awareness, on the Tectonic Plate of Being.

DED: Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow? “No,” says the man in Washington, “it belongs to the poor!” “No,” says the man in Moscow, “it belongs to everybody!” “No,” says the man in the Vatican, “it belongs to God!”

>>her amber eyes opening indolently to regard whomever with sparkling pools.

Link: This just TENACIOUSLY refuses to make sense!

>>Nego placed his hand under her chin and raised her head up to his, his lips dangerously close to hers.

DED: Good GOD man, it’s suicide!

Link: But it may be the only chance we have!

>>“Please…” she silently begged. “I…I can’t…”

Rauru: “...Stop me? Of course not!”

Zelda: Well, begging silently isn’t particularly effective in that respect.

>>her eyes started glistening again. His warm, soft lips pressed upon hers in an ardent kiss.


>>Malon whimpered softly into his mouth, her own lips unrequited to the probing of his tongue.

DED: Unrequited to the probing...I...God, I can’t even...

Link: Did I have a stroke like three sentences in, or is it really written this way?


Around the same time,

Rauru: You know, sooner or later.

>>Suno probed the redhead’s tight entrance with his nimble fingers,

Zelda: Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack...uh...stick his fingers in a cunt?

>>massaging the tender petals before plunging them inside of her molten depths

DED: In THIS ONE SENTENCE ALONE, there have been THREE two-word euphemisms for “vagina.”

>>with a slick squish. Malon choked on a moan as the heat in her loins became a furnace,



>>her muted gasps of ecstasy becoming the erotic incentive for her hips to begin rocking…

Rauru: It’s like the Brotherhood of Dada has taken over the erotic fanfiction industry.

>>Kneading one of her generously sized breasts,

Link: New economy size! Buy in bulk and save!

DED: 20% more than the leading competitor!

Zelda: What’s THAT supposed to mean?

>>Suno pumped his fingers in and out of her slick tunnel,

Rauru: The “adjective noun” format is starting to wear thin.

DED: Okay, new game: Every time they refer to Malon’s vagina in a metaphorical way, the first person to point it out gets to punch someone.

Zelda: I, uh...whatever.

>>stroking the silky plush of her inner walls

Link: Punch cunt! No punch-backs! *punches DED*

DED: Hey! Technically, that was her birth canal, not actual vagina.

>>as his appendages became swallowed within her tight, virgin folds.

DED: THAT, however, is fair game. *punches Link*

Link: You’ll pay for that, ya gol-durn varmint!


Rauru: And, like clockwork, we get another incoherent grunt sound effect.

Zelda: Look, we’ll just assume Malon is moaning in ecstasy until informed otherwise, okay?

>>Malon started moaning and keening of her own accord,


Zelda: Like, the wail of a banshee? Like a Nâzgûl?

>>her small cries of pleasure being muffled by Nego’s lips.

Link: So really, there’s no way of knowing they weren’t actually cries for help. But I think he’s okay with that.

>>Any resistance she had before was slowly beginning to shatter

DED: “Shattering” isn’t really something that can happen slowly.

>>as her pussy began leaking forbidden fruit

Rauru: HOLY CRAP! What the hell? Leaking fruit? LEAKING FRUIT!?

Zelda: This...this is MADNESS!

DED: Madness?, you’re right. This IS madness.

>>from her dampened folds.

Zelda: Ding ding ding! *punches Link*

Link: Ow! Why is everyone punching ME?

Zelda: I’re just eminently punchable.


DED: And now, a selection from Malon’s new album, “The Best of Erotic Mumbling.”

>>The redheaded farm girl subconsciously closed her legs around Suno’s hand, burying it between her creamy thighs.

Rauru: “It’s been three days now without food or water. Her legs have not weakened in the slightest. And the saw...God help me, the”

>>A breathy moan slipped past her lips into Nego’s mouth,

Link: Hmm, she’d better be careful or he’ll inflate like a balloon.

Zelda: Yeah, THAT’S something I wanted to think about.

>>her tongue dueling passionately with his own

DED: “My name is Inigo Montongueya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

>>as the throes of pleasure consumed her completely.

Rauru: Oh. So...she’s gone?

Link: Burned to ashes by the fires of her passion?

>>Malon could not deny her lust any longer…

Zelda: “La la la la la, I can’t HEEEEAR you!”


...I'm so sorry...

Link: Hey, lady, no need to apologize to ME...


Rauru: Um...line!

DED: I see wut u did thar.

>>Malon’s eyes fluttered open as she awoke,

Zelda: Naked, in a gutter, with someone’s blood on her hands.

>>a strange sense of peace having settled over the beautiful girl.

Link: Nothing brings inner peace quite like being drugged and raped.

>>The storm had moved on at some time throughout the night,

DED: Riders on the storm! Baow-badabaow-bow-bow!

Zelda: Into this farm we’re born, into this sex we’re thrown, riders on the storm!

>>with an occasional rumble of thunder in the far off distance, and now the moon was shining in full.

Rauru: Well, she IS naked...

DED: Dadum, TSHHH!

>>…As well as a soft rush of breath wafting over her neck… from both sides.

Link: Oh...gad.

Zelda: We’re surrounded!

>>Blinking the sleep away from her crimson jewels,

Link: One of the many jobs of a museum curator is to blink repeatedly to keep sleep off of priceless jewels.

>>Malon finally began to discern the gentle warmth pressing into her slender sides.

DED: “Hmm...had sex with two men...passed out...what could these two large warm presences in my bed POSSIBLY be?”

>>Two pairs of arms embraced the long-haired beauty

Rauru: Look, you can just say “Malon,” all right? Or even just “her.” We won’t hold it against you.

>>underneath the satin covers;

Zelda: Between her manicured nails, satin bedspread, sexual promiscuity, and the fact that she’s living “the simple life” on a farm, I am forced to conclude that Malon is the Paris Hilton of Hyrule.

DED: No, I’m pretty sure YOU’RE the Paris Hilton of Hyrule.

Zelda: Oh, I wouldn’t say that. After all, could Paris Hilton have you imprisoned in a secret dungeon and tortured to the very edge of death for the rest of your natural life if you slander her?


Zelda: Precisely.

>>one had his hand cupped over a breast,

Rauru: His own?

Link: Eeeewww.

>>while the other seemed content to have it placed on her hip.

DED: Even when unconscious, they’re perverts.

>>Nego and Suno… they’d slept with her all throughout the evening.

Link: You really took me and you, slept there alllll niiiight long!

>>Staring sleepily up at one of their faces, she found it hard not to move…

Rauru: Soooooo...she’s going through heroin withdrawal?

Zelda: Never mix Red Bull and Chu Jelly, my friend.

>>especially when both of the twins’ large, flaccid members rested lightly upon her silky skin.

DED: Gah!

Zelda: Yeah, that’d make ME want to move, all right.

>>The relative quiet of the threesomes’ surroundings was only marred by their breathing,

Rauru: Yeah, shut up!

>>long and deep due to…

Zelda: Uh...their large, powerful lungs?

>>‘…We… we really… did it.’

DED: WEEEEEEEEE are the champions, my frieeeeee-ends!

>>The thin sheet covering Malon’s nubile body drifted down over her breasts and pooled around her waist as she sat up,

Link: Vital information!

Rauru: Sheet physics is ESSENTIAL to a good sex romp!

>>her long red hair cascading down her back.


>>A slight throbbing was evident in her nether lips,

Zelda: evident, exactly? Like, evident to everyone?

Link: Does it sound like the baseline of a techno song?

>>as well as a barely imperceptible soreness

DED: Ahem. “Barely imperceptible” would mean that she just can’t quite feel it at all.

Rauru: I’m feeling a barely imperceptible soreness right now, too. As far as I know, I mean.

>>that made her tremble as she shifted her legs.

Zelda: “Oh, I am trembling with erotic anticipation! Oh, no, wait, it’s actually horror and disgust.”

>>Pale moonlight streaked in through the windows beside her,

DED: The pale moonlight was apprehended by stadium security and arraigned for public indecency.

>>bathing Malon in a magnificently soft glow

Link: And believe me, that’s the most bathing she’s ever likely to do! HYOOOOO!

>>that made her supple, creamy skin appear even more so.

Rauru: It’s really, REALLY skin!

>>She kept her head down low,

Zelda: Keep yo’ head on the down-low, knowumsayin?

>>letting her lavish bangs cover her amber eyes as she thought.

DED: As a guy with fairly long hair, I have to say that bangs that cover your eyes are FUCKING ANNOYING.

Link: I thought you had a ponytail, so that’s a non-issue.

DED: No, no, I cut it off like three months ago. Nobody noticed?

Link: Nope.

Rauru: Nuh-uh.

Zelda: I actually go out of my way to avoid looking at you.

DED: Seriously, fuck all y’all.

>>“I…” she breathed in her soft voice.

Link: So the sound of her breathing is “I...I...I...”?

Rauru: THAT certainly wouldn’t get annoying or anything.

>>Malon glanced back at the sleeping forms of the naked young men,

DED: Malon certainly spends a lot of time glancing at naked young men.

Link: By her own admission, yes, she does!

>>their figures still pressed in close to the farm girl’s sexy body.

Zelda: But...she’s sitting up now.

DED: Clearly, they sat up with her. In their sleep.

>>“…I feel…”

Rauru: I HUNGER!




Link: Five asterisks? You’re MAD!

Rauru: MAD, I tell you!

>>In what seemed like only a matter of seconds, Malon was being pushed down onto her bed, with Suno positioned behind her, hastily pulling the redhead’s shirt off.

Zelda: Wait, didn’t they JUST FINISH doing this?

DED: And, hey, why would that actually TAKE more than just seconds?

>>Not even realizing she had lifted her arms up over her head to aid him,

Link: Malon, the Girl With No Control Over Her Upper Body!

>>Malon started whimpering in pleasure as familiar hands groped and squeezed

Rauru: “Paw! It’s them gropin’-squeezin’-hands a’gin!”

Zelda: “Git the shotgun, that’ll learn ‘em!”

>>her breasts once more,

DED: And now, a poem:

They groped and squeezed her breasts once more,
Though she was imperceptibly sore,
From the Night’s plutonian shore,
Quoth the brothers, “Sex? Why, sure!”

Zelda: Your genius is staggering.

>>placing her own hands atop Suno’s.

DED: Her hands atop young Suno’s placed / the dainty maiden now disgraced / three lovers hand-in-hand-in-hand / what revels doth this act portend!

Zelda: Okay, that actually wasn’t an invitation to continue.

>>“Don’t worry,” he said softly in her ear.

Link: “You won’t feel a thing...ha ha ha ha ha...ha ha ha ha HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

>>“We’ll be gentle.” The way he said it was not meant to be a cruel joke or a figure of speech.

Zelda: But that’s what it ended up being, anyway.

>>It was the real truth.

Rauru: You know, when you have to stop every few paragraphs to remind your audience that the protagonists of your story AREN’T cruel and might want to reconsider your choice of characters.

>>At this point she surely hoped so…

Link: Well, considering last time they met they force-fed her a mysterious drug and then violated her, I’d say her concern is justified.

>>Meanwhile, Nego was busy pulling the gorgeous girl’s dress skirt and knickers

DED: Wot’s all this, then?

>>down her shapely legs,

Zelda: “Nego! Come take out the garbage!”

Rauru: “But MAA-om, I’m busy pulling a gorgeous girl’s dress skirt and knickers down her shapely legs!”

>>finally getting to see Malon in all her bare, naked glory.

DED: Wait, haven’t they ALREADY seen Malon’s barenaked etcetera?

Link: When the HELL is this taking place?

>>He noted with some interest that she wasn’t resisting anymore,

Zelda: Veeeeeery interesting.

>>and appeared to be aiding his brother in the massage of the busty seventeen-year-olds breasts.

Rauru: Ugh, man, I’m REALLY convinced that these two guys drive around picking up high-school cheerleaders and date-rape them.

DED: There’s certainly nothing that would suggest otherwise.

>>“Mmm… you smell so good, Malon…” Nego said, moving his face down between her thighs…

Zelda: What’s with the goddamn ellipses? It’s not like we’re in suspense as to what’s going to happen.

>>“Ahh… Ahhh…!” Malon gasped

Link: Oh, REALLY? I thought she was getting ready to sneeze.

>>as the dark-haired twin’s lips met with her smooth, glistening petals,

Rauru: Ah HA! *punches self*

Zelda: Ygh...huh?

Rauru: Aw, damn it...

>>his tongue eventually making its way deep inside of her slit.

DED: I...well...hmm. Does that count? I mean, technically that’s what a vagina is, and it’s not a flowery two-syllable euphemism, but...

Link: Your sloppy rule-making has come back to haunt you?

DED: Well, I guess the simplest solution is to just punch. *punches Link*

Link: Oh, son of a...

>>Her juices came gushing out of her tight entrance,

Zelda: You know, I really want the “spot the euphemism and punch someone” game to be a fun distraction, but...the euphemisms just make me sad and tired.

Rauru: Does the punching help?

Zelda: I suppose so. *punches Link*

Link: Oh, God, why?

>>and Nego was determined to drink up all that he could.

Zelda: Because he’s, you know, retarded.

>>‘By the Goddesses… she tastes so… incredible!’

DED: Incredible! Edible! Baby-producing!

>>Sweeter than honey,

Rauru: Then why don’t they sell it in the supermarket next to the frozen pancakes, huh? Huh?

>>or any Chu jelly that could be bought at any price.

Zelda: Well, it’s not really a fair comparison. She charges by the hour.

Link: OH SNAP!

>>“Ohhhh…!” she arched her back as white hot bliss flared through her body,

DED: You know, from all these years of silly fanfiction, you’d think that female ecstasy is the least pleasant thing EVER.

Zelda: It’s invariably described as being “white-hot” or “burning” or “unbearable” or “worse than a thousand deaths.”

>>tilting her head back with eyes closed

Rauru: ...misunderstanding all you see! I mean you can’t, you know, tune in, but it’s all right, it doesn’t matter much to me!

>>and wrapping her legs around Nego’s head.

Link: Well, THAT redefines the word “awkward!”

>>It felt better than anything she’d ever experienced before,

Zelda: Head-leg-around-wrapping?

>>and Malon was also aware that even greater pleasures were soon to come…

DED: When she finds out what’s behind Door Number’s a NEW CAR!!! *cheer*

>>Malon laced her fingers in Nego’s hair, burying his face in her crotch

Rauru: It’s like the porno of the 80’s, come alive!

Link: Like, literally, crawling from its shallow grave!

>>to force him deeper into her forbidden sanctity.

DED: Did they mean to say “sanctuary?” Because “her sanctity” makes no sense.

Zelda: And if they DID mean to say “sanctuary,” what good is a sanctuary if no one’s allowed in it?

Link: Each explanation only adds to the churning morass of confusion!

>>To which he eagerly complied,


>>plunging his tongue deeper into the auburn-haired girl’s cunt

DED: Journey to the Center of the Cunt! A fantastic sci-fi odyssey!

>>while Suno stroked Malon’s plump breasts.

“Ohhh… Ahhh… Mmmmm…”

Zelda: O.A.M.?

Link: Organized Automatic Machine?

Rauru: Oatmeal Aggression Mechanic?

>>After several minutes of making the farm girl squirm and writhe on the bed,

Link: That’s...surprisingly terrifying!

Rauru: Someone’s been reading too many crime novels...

>>it was time to move on to something else; something much more… promising.

DED: So, still won’t talk, eh?


DED: Well, I guess I’ll have to move on to something else; something much more...promising.

Zelda: What are y...oh God. Oh GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

>>Edging her to get down on all fours,

Link: “Come one, get...look, why won’t you...for crying out...rrrggt...”

>>Suno pressed the girl gently forward until she was in position,

DED: Sector locked in!

>>her slender body glowing faintly

Rauru: My God, she IS an alien!

Zelda: Or, better yet, she’s radioactive.

Link: How is that better?

Zelda: All three of them will be dead within the week.

Link: Ah.

>>in the candlelight of her bedroom.

DED: Wait, there are candles in her bedroom? Since when?

>>The young beauty's lustrously long hair fell over her naked curves and waist as it tapered down her back,

Rauru: Pretty much every time they mention Malon, they are compelled to remind us either that she is beautiful, she has long hair, or she is naked, or some combination of the three.

>>the full, almost fluffy bangs over her eyes clouding her face seductively.

Zelda: So...the sexiest thing about Malon’s face is not seeing it.

Link: Think about it.

>>Malon's milk-soft breasts

Rauru: Get it? Milk? Breasts? It’s almost UNBEARABLY a propos!

DED: Is it really possible for a liquid to be considered “soft?”

>>hung down between her arms

Zelda: Yep, that’s where they go.

>>as she leaned her head forward, hands and knees placed on the mattress.

Link: Standard Double-Teaming Position: see Figure 1.

>>"You look so beautiful..." Nego remarked.

Zelda: Well, you know what they say, don’t judge a book by its naked boobies.

>>Malon was thankful that they were on the bed,

Rauru: Uh...oooookay...

DED: Let us give thanks.

>>and watched in a sex-induced daze

Link: Oh, wow.

Zelda: Sex coma? Really?

>>as Nego undressed before her. She gazed intently as he lifted his shirt over his head,

Rauru: Hmm, yes...Interesting...

>>exposing the lithe body and taut muscles of his chest and abdomen.

DED: And the huge, disgusting rolls of flab hanging off of his arms.

Link: Nobody’s perfect, I guess.

>>The farm girl couldn’t help but drool slightly

DED: Oh lawl.

Zelda: So she’s in sex-induced daze and is drooling? You might want to call an ambulance, this could be serious.

>>as more of his skin was revealed to her,

Rauru: The mysteries of the skin are not revealed lightly. Not all who gaze upon them survive with mind intact.

>>and the way the unruly mop of ebony hair covered his face was making her hot.

Link: Yet again! Not seeing people’s faces is teh sexeh!

Zelda: Seriously, it’s not just his hair that’s making her hot, it’s THE WAY the hair is covering his face!

DED: He just has such a handsome impenetrable mass of fur covering his face!

>>Even though, the potion they’d made her drink was partly responsible for her… willingness.

Zelda: Wait, her clothes were back on, but she’d been asleep, and the storm is gone, but she’s still drugged up? I just CANNOT figure the chronology of this story out!

DED: Is this, like, a flashback to something that never happened?

>>Her eyes widened as Nego’s large cock

Link: *Hums the theme to “2001: A Space Odyssey”*

Rauru: My God, it’s full of stars!

>>sprang into view.

Zelda: Captain! Sensors are picking up a large cock-like object in sector 2!

DED: That’s impossible! It must have been using radar-jamming semen beams!

>>To say it was a lot bigger and thicker than she thought it would be was an understatement.

Rauru: She didn’t just THINK it would be small and thin. She expected it. She hoped. She prayed. It was the foundation on which she predicated her continuing existence. And now...

Link: Hey, wait, I thought she said she’d spied on them changing. Why is this a surprise?

>>At around nine inches,

Zelda: Oh, unreasonably large cocks! You’re never far from our hearts and minds!

>>the thickness and girth both astonished and frightened her at the same time,

DED: A website I would love to see is “”.

>>a tiny bit of precum already dripping from the bulbous head. Malon stared in awe at the beautiful rod,

Link: It’s...beautiful!

Rauru: Like looking upon the cock of God!

>>taking in the smooth skin and pale flesh that matched with the rest of his body.

DED: Oh, good to know that he’s not a hideous Frankenstein monster cobbled together from a dozen corpses, with the severed dick of Wilt Chamberlain grafted to his cadaverous crotch.

>>‘Oh my…’

Zelda: Ah do declayuh!

>>She heard Suno unfasten his pants behind her,

Link: Well, I guess that nine-inch dick couldn’t have been THAT fascinating, then...

>>and looked back to see the twin’s equally impressive member standing out from his body in all its naked glory.

Rauru: she has to choose! That’s no fun!

Link: Choose? Since when has Malon ever made any choices whatsoever in this story?

>>He had the same girth and texture as Nego's,

Zelda: Texture? Seriously?

DED: Ribbed for her pleasure? That seems like an evolutionary advantage...

>>which seemed logical given the fact they were twins.

Link: Oh, REALLY?

DED: I don’t think the whole nature vs. nurture debate applies to dong characteristics.

>>Malon licked her lips subconsciously,

Rauru: Deeee-licious.

>>anticipation building up inside her.

Zelda: And THAT’S the last internal build-up we really need to hear about.

>>She wasn’t sure whether to be afraid or excited.

DED: Be afraid. Be very afraid.

>>Malon felt a hand brushing through her hair,

Link: “Hey, wait, who’s doing th...oh, wait. It’s me.”

>>and turned back just in time to feel a cock pressing against her rosy lips.

DED: Hee hee hee. That’s gotta be a surprise.

Zelda: And I like how it’s just “a cock.” Just outta nowhere, man!

>>She gave a small gasp of surprise,

Rauru: Well, THAT wasn’t there a second ago!

>>and by doing so allowed Nego to insert his thick shaft into her mouth.

DED: *cracks up*

Link: Teach YOU to gasp in surprise, ya stinkin’ whore!

>>Malon moaned in abject surprise,

Zelda: Once it’s in her mouth, how can she still be surprised?

>>the sudden oral invasion

Rauru: Didn’t that happen during the 60’s?

DED: No, no, we learned about this in a health class filmstrip about dental hygiene.

>>throwing her off.

Zelda: Literally, blasting her off the bed and into a wall?

>>The dark haired twin pushed in until half his length had disappeared inside,

Link: “AAAH!! Oh God! Where did it go?”

>>the tip of his hardness moving lightly over her tongue.

Rauru: Lightly, ever lightly.


DED: All right, the sound effects have gone from “annoyingly repetitive” to “hilariously awful.”

Zelda: But if they’re not careful, they’re going to swing right back around to annoyingly repetitive.

>>the large appendage being shoved into Malon’s mouth was a bit much for her to take.

Link: You and me both, lady.

>>Even though she had parted her lips to accommodate the bulky erection, it still wasn’t quite enough;

Rauru: Aaaaaaaand her jaw fell of?

>>Nego’s cock stretched them in a uniquely wide fashion.

DED: There’s just nothing like it!

Zelda: Not even that time she deep-throated an ear of corn can compare!

>>Malon tentatively licked at the head,

Rauru: Hmmmmmmmmmmm...

Link: Not sure if want...

>>his precum dribbling into her mouth, and found that surprisingly, it tasted really good.

DED: Oh, big surprise there.

Rauru: And so begins her meteoric rise to porn stardom.

>>‘Mmmmm, this tastes like Chu Jelly…’

Zelda: Seriously? SERIOUSLY?

Link: It tastes like a dead slime monster? I mean, geez, it’s not supposed to taste like milk and honey or anything, but...

DED: Or...wait...does that mean that Chus are actually giant ambulatory blobs of semen? Now THERE’S something straight out of a Japanese hentai!

Rauru: Oh, and not to be nitpicky or anything, but this is like the millionth time they’ve mentioned or compared something to Chu Jelly. It must be the “summer’s day” of Hyrule.

>>Nego played with Malon’s hair

Link: “Your hair is nothing but my plaything, do you hear me? I WILL BREAK YOU!!!”

>>as he slowly drew back…

Zelda: A tiny sliver of hope that maybe they won’t keep raping her...

>>and began to thrust back and forth,

Zelda: ...aaaaaaaaand then it’s crushed like a piano falling on a jack-in-the-box.

>>her full, soft lips caressing the smooth skin of his hard shaft as it drove into her wet mouth.

DED: Literally NONE of the objects of that sentence is without a descriptive adjective.

Rauru: Are we supposed to care?

DED: They’re just overdoing it, ‘s all.

Link: And plus, it’s not like we need to be told that her mouth is “wet.” I mean, unless you’re a mummy, plotting your hideous mummy plots, that’s pretty much a given.

>>Malon, who was still too unnerved to do anything,

Zelda: I realize that you are a woman, but seriously: grow a pair, for chrissakes.

Rauru: Why do I get the unsettling feeling that this is going to become a routine experience for Malon?

DED: Because it probably is.

>>simply let him go about his work,

Link: Nothing to see here, ma’am. Move along.

>>moaning softly as more pre-cum trickled down her throat.

Rauru: “Trickle” is one of the many, many words that I do not want to hear during a story like this.

>>Suno got behind her and held his hands to her creamy thighs,

Zelda: So what we got here is sex between the three whitest people ever to walk the earth.

DED: Whatever happened to affirmative action?

>>massaging and stroking them as Nego pumped his meat down her throat.

Link: Ght...guh? Is he like a diabolical Spam salesman or something?

DED: Sigh. Look, okay, you cannot “pump your meat down her throat.” Unless your meat is actually liquid, and you are literally using a pump to transport it from one place to another, you are not pumping your meat.

Zelda: More accurately, Nego is piston-ing his meat. But no one would ever say that and retain the slightest trace of dignity.

Rauru: That reminds me. If you can have hot and cold running water in your house, why not hot and cold running sausages?

Link: WaHUH?

Zelda: Rauru, there are a thousand reasons, each one more valid than the last, why you can’t...

Rauru: Okay, okay, so sausages would get jammed in the kinks. What about just raw hamburger, you know? I’m not picky.

>>Suno wasn’t going to fuck Malon straight away;

DED: No...slowly, in increments. Fuck her by inches, day after day, slowly tearing her life apart...the death of a thousand stings. Yes! YES!

>>she deserved a lot more than that.

Link: Ohhh, she deserves more, all right. She’ll pay...they’ll all pay...

>>He slid his pulsating member

Rauru: Eeeuurrggg.

DED: I’m just expecting a second, smaller penis to emerge, hissing and sodden.

Link: H. R. Giger would be proud.

>>through her heavenly butt cheeks,


DED: So her butt cheeks are so beautiful, so transcendently amazing, that they are comparable only to the realm of God Himself, the Almighty, and the seraphim that dwell therein in the infinite glory of the Divine.

Link: That’s what it says.

>>the softness of her skin feeling wonderful on his girth.

Rauru: Man, I hate this! The way they refer to things as being the qualities they have.

Zelda: Yeah, seriously. It’s not like you can say, “Boy, your girth is extremely penis today,” so why...?

>>Malon moaned as the head of his cock teased her wet entrance,

DED: I just CANNOT imagine anyone possibly being aroused by this. I’ve seen stretches of binary code with more explicit sexual images.

Link: If you feel compelled to pussyfoot around every single instance of female genitals, WHY would you write a story focusing COMPLETELY ON THEM?

Zelda: Don’t you mean wetentrancefoot?

Link: Ah, mais oui!

Rauru: Where’d YOU learn all them fancy word-noises?

Link: Huh? I was just asking if I could go to the bathroom.

>>grazing just inside her silky soft folds

DED: Hey, that’s MY grazing land, ya sheep-herdin’ varmint!

>>as he ground gently between her perfect posterior.

Zelda: Eww, Malon’s gonna be crapping powdered farmhand for days!

Rauru: I don’t think they mean that thoroughly ground.

>>“Mmph,” Malon felt her shyness starting to alleviate,

Link: Oh, so she was shy when they started rubbing their dicks all over her, but now that she’s said “Mmph,” everything’s peachy?

Zelda: So for the record, the sound that shyness makes when it’s being alleviated is “Mmph.”

DED: Good to know. I’ll keep that in mind in case I ever need an audible representation of confidence to intimidate my enemies.

>>and slowly, she started to get into the grove of things.


Link: Damn hippies and their love-ins...

>>She wrapped her full, pink lips firmly around Nego’s shaft

Zelda: But the wrapper is the thing you throw away...

DED: Hmmmmmmmmmmsubtext?

>>and began to suck,

Rauru: They ALWAYS use this word, and it NEVER sounds good.

>>flattening her tongue against the smooth underside of his hardness

Zelda: Yes, bringing YOU all the unnecessary, stomach-churning details! Story at 11!

>>as he fucked her mouth.

Link: Is that the more graphic version of “damn your eyes”?

>>‘Goddesses… he’s so big…’


>>Though she wasn’t experienced in this particular field,

Rauru: That would be the field of putting things inside other things.

>>Malon had learned from reading her mother’s hidden collection of steamy sex novels


>>that using lips and tongue was crucial.

Zelda: No steamy novels that I am aware of include the phrase “using lips and tongue is crucial!”

>>Though never in her lifetime did she believe it would come to this,

DED: “Oh God! My life is a hollow lie!”

>>Malon had always known that sooner of later she would have to become exposed to the pleasures of the flesh.

Link: Get thee to a nunnery! Why wouldst thou be a breeder of sinners?

DED: Okay, you HAVE to explain where you got THAT one.

Link: That’s off the back of my favorite cereal, “Opheli-Os!” You’ll go crazy and drown flavor!

Rauru: The man’s got highbrow tastes, I’ll give him that.

Link: You’ll be viewed as a microcosm for the female gender and abused by brooding Danish princes...deliciously!

DED: Okay, we get it...

>>Taking this knowledge to heart,

Zelda: Or rather, to mouth.

>>the farm girl began to work her tongue over him,

DED: Well, not all of him.

>>swirling it around the head before plunging down.

Rauru: ...plunge it down, swirl it around, 98 tumescent cocks on the wall! 98...

>>Malon stroked his length with her soft, wet tongue

Link: Oh. That’s reassuring. I thought maybe her tongue was harsh and unforgiving.

>>before moving back up at an agonizingly slow pace

DED: Hey, you know what else moves at an agonizingly slow pace? THIS FUCKING STORY.

Zelda: Wow, they really handed you that one.

DED: And I seized the opportunity.

>>and then down again once she reached the head.

Rauru: So, she “stroked his length” until “she reached the head.” Are we sure she’s sucking his dick, or just licking his whole body?

>>She heard the twin’s soft gasps of pleasure

DED: They’re completely interchangeable.

Link: And you know, it doesn’t even really matter.

>>as she swallowed him,


>>her teeth slightly grating upon his staff.

Rauru: Pleasant!

Link: You’re a real pro, Malon.

>>At the same time, she squished her butt cheeks together on Suno’s thick meat,

DED: Well, say what you will, but this is certainly unique.

Zelda: I don’t even know if modern science has a name for this!

Rauru: No, no, I’m sure there is one somewhere on the Internet.

>>wrapping it in the soft cushiness of her bum

Link: I think I’m detecting some anomalies in the programming of the Random Adjective Generator that is writing this story.

Zelda: Wait, it might be a bug in the Slang for Naughty Bits Synthesizer. Try flushing the cache.

>>and causing him to moan as he continued to stroke her behind.

DED: There, but for the grace of God.

>>“Ahhhh,” Nego sighed.

Rauru: I suppose that’s “Ahhhh” as in, “Ahhhh, this is so relaxing,” not, “Ahhhh, I’m trapped under a flaming bus!”

>>His fingers laced through her thick locks of red hair

Link: Hey! Did you forget that she has long red hair in the twenty seconds since they last mentioned it?

DED: Why, I DID!

>>as her lips descended the dark-haired twin’s staff,

Zelda: I cast you out, Saruman!

>>taking more of his length into her mouth as she swallowed him down.


>>Although Nego’s dick was rather large,

DED: Ra-ther.

>>she managed to take most of it in her throat without too much discomfort.

Link: Well THAT’S something, at least!

Zelda: “I may be being violently deflowered, but at least it’s not TOO agonizing!”


Rauru: Man, this is confusing! We need, like, picture-in-picture.

>>Suno started rubbing his massive erection along her tight folds,

Link: Punching time! I...wait. I can’t quite seem to...*aims fist at self* Like it has a mind of its...urghh...*struggles* Oh, what the fu...OW! *punches self* What the crap, man?

Zelda: See? Even you want to punch you.

Link: Aww, damn it.

>>the pink petals of her sex

Link: Ahhhh! No! *punches self repeatedly* Argh! Why? The torment is neverending!

DED: Don’t blame us. Blame the story.

>>now dripping with her juices. “Mmmmm,”

Rauru: MMMMM-MMM! Nice and juicy! Good eatin’!

Zelda: You know, with anyone else on earth, I’d think that was innuendo of some kind.

Rauru: Medium rare! With fresh peppercorns!

>>she murmured with Nego’s manhood still deep in her mouth.

Zelda: “Uhh…fewwahs...ah hawwah a wihha twuhwuh bwewhing…”

Link: “Of course you want me, baby!”

Zelda: “Cahhh...bweehhhh...”

>>The farm girl could feel the other twin’s hardness teasing her clit

Rauru: “Ha ha! You’ll never be as hard as ME, softy-clit!”

Zelda: “Stop it, you big meanie!”

>>as he slid back and forth, the pleasurable tingling from the sensitive bud making her more heated by the minute.

DED: Oh, man, that’s just like that one time where an ash revenant was stalking me and it possessed this samurai and the samurai burst into flames and his eyeballs melted and then I...

Link: Yeah, no one cares.

>>Malon licked and sucked hard on Nego

Rauru: You know what would be a great twist ending to this story? If “Nego” and “Suno” were actually the same person.

Zelda: Then how would they be double-penetrating her?

Rauru: Uh...she’s hallucinating? She’s actually a mental patient in a padded cell! And also the whole world is a computer simulation! And she’s actually dead but doesn’t realize it!

DED: Stupid as that would be, it would still be better than reading this story.

>>as he took himself deeper into her mouth,

Zelda: He took...himself...deeper...into her mouth?

Link: Does...not...compute?

>>her lips eventually meeting with his bare loins

Rauru: Well, bare but for his sweaty pubes.

DED: Gag.

>>as she reached the hilt.

Link: Oh God! The sharp pointy penis sword! It punctures my spine!

>>She heard him groan lowly

Zelda: Lowly Groan’s Best Day Ever.

>>as the soft, cushy tip

Rauru: Ah, every waitress’s dream.

>>met with the back of her throat,

DED: Throat, cock. Cock, throat.

>>his quiet pants of pleasure

Link: Ooo. Any relation to the Pants of Passion?

Zelda: The Pants of Pleasure and the Pants of Passion. Like yin and yang, dark and light, the two that are one.

Rauru: Oh yeah? I counter the Pants of Pleasure with my +3 Tube Sock of Agony!

>>becoming more excited.

DED: Experience “new pleasure excitement!” Sens-O-Lux Passion Pants!

>>Slrrpp… Sllrppp…… Mmmm… Shlurp…

Link: “Oh, sorry. I must have left my ‘Best of Porno Sound Effects’ album on.”

>>Suno grinded

DED: Ground.

>>his hardness back and forth against Malon’s wet pussy lips, listening to the sexy farm girl moan

Zelda: A warning: If you Google search for “sexy farm girl,” you will probably NOT find pictures of Malon. You will find...let’s just say you’ll find “nature lovers.” If you know what I mean.

Link: No, I don’t know what you mean. Explain it.

Zelda: Oh, for Christ’s sake, not this again.

Link: What are you talking about? What websites will you find?

Zelda: Look, use your imagination.

Link: I can’t. You’ll have to be more specific.

Zelda: I’m not going to...

Link: Look, just say “dogfucking,” okay?!

Zelda: No.

Link: ...

Zelda: ...

Link: ...that’s all I wanted...

Zelda: Yes, I KNOW!

Link: How about just “throbbing horse cocks?”

Zelda: No!

Rauru: No what?

Zelda: No, I’m not saying “throbbing horse cocks!” Are y...oh, SON of a...

Link: Woo hoo! High five!

Rauru: Yeah!

Zelda: I hate you all.

>>as he rubbed his flesh from her clit to her anus.

DED: Way to give her an infection there, sporto.

Rauru: “Oh, God, it’s like peeing fire!”

>>The juices were oozing out of her slick entrance like freshly churned honey,

Link: Churned honey? Sure, whatever. Why not.

>>sluicing down her shapely legs.

DED: There’s an old Irish folk saying about fluids ruining stories, and it goes, “Fluids fucking ruin stories!”

Rauru: You know, I think “sluicing” implies a much thinner liquid than this so-called “churned honey.”

>>Suno moaned softly at the pleasurable sensations embracing him down south,

Link: *hums “La Cucaracha”*

Zelda: ¡Hola, amigos!

Rauru: ¡Esto es una historia del sexo, que es mierda, sobre Malon que es molestado por los gemelos!

DED: ¡Es muy malo! ¡No lo lea!


>>strings of her juices

DED: Strings of juice?’s literally non-Euclidian!

>>dripping lazily from his staff.

Rauru: Get a job, you lousy freeloading juice strings!

>>He nudged his manhood a bit harder into Malon’s virgin folds

DED: Okay, this doesn’t count, they’ve used this one before.

Link: Oh, thank God.

>>as he grinded, the warmth of her pussy practically inviting for his erection inside.

Rauru: “Well don’t just STAND there!”

Zelda: “Did you find the place okay?”

>>“Nnnnhhh,” she groaned.

DED: “Fourteenth letter of the alphabet...mmm...”

>>Malon’s moans were being muffled

Link: In fo’ da triple-M.

Zelda: M3, if you will.

>>by the large member pushed deeply between her lips, now covered in a clear coating of saliva.

Rauru: And THAT’S the closest thing to a condom THEY’LL ever bother using.

>>Suddenly, the petting of her womanhood stopped,

DED: I seriously hope this author doesn’t actually consider “petting” to involve an erect penis.

>>the juices flowing down her inner legs.

Zelda: Inner legs? How many legs does she have?

Link: Or maybe it’s a spiritual thing. Who knows?

>>Malon whined in protest,

Rauru: (chanting) We want cock! We want cock! Don’t be a jock! Just give us a cock!

DED: Don’t use a sock! Give us a cock!

Zelda: It’ll totally rock! Give us cock!

Link: Wear a smock! Then we’ll talk!

DED: Uh, right. Anyway...

>>feeling a great sense of loss


>>as his hardness pulled away from her glistening sex.

Rauru: This is seriously like one step away from Surrealism.

DED: I imagine in the future, sex will sound like spies talking in code, and there’ll be absolutely nothing left of anything erotic by today’s primitive standards.

Zelda: “She danced the meringue with a brontosaurus. ‘The codswallop is in the barrel,’ she said exponentially. He batted her jellyfish with his satellite, until he finally regenerated. The End.”




>>Then, she felt his hands gently move from her milk-white thighs

DED: God, it’s like they all drowned and came back as zombies!

>>to her shapely hips,

Zelda: Well, they certainly have a shape, yes.

>>grasping the soft flesh in his palms

Rauru: Being a cannibalistic serial killer, his work tends to mix a bit with his hobbies.

>>as he pushed against her wet folds

DED: Now, wait, they’ve been “soft,” they’ve been “virgin,” but have they been “wet folds?”

Link: I think so. Unless I’m thinking of “her wet slit.”

Zelda: No, it was “her moist slit.” You’re thinking of “her wet entrance.”

Link: I thought it was “her slick entrance.”

Zelda: Well, you’re just fucking wrong.

>>with the head of his manhood.


>>Malon moaned in wanton lust

Rauru: Mmmm...wonton lust...

>>as Suno painstakingly probed

Link: It takes a jeweler’s nerve to probe correctly. One false move...

>>into her velvety honey pot,


Rauru: I would think the honey would just seep out of a pot made of velvet.

Zelda: Well, it is, remember?

Rauru: Oh, right! Then this analogy is apt and appreciated!

>>the tightness of her virgin pussy

Link: Finally, something an actual human being might say!

DED: Saints be pwaised!

>>caressing the girth of his large member.

Link: Oh, dammit, we’ve slipped back into goofydiculous.

>>Malon was eager to be pleased, though,

Zelda: Hey, who isn’t?

>>and just as the twin squeezed her juicy rump

Rauru: You know? That kind of reminds me of food, in some ways.

DED: That’s an incredible surprise, Rauru. I never saw that coming.

Rauru: You know, like how rump roast is food, and it’s often very juicy? Yeah. That’s sort of what it made me think of.

DED: Uh huh. You’re really thinking outside of the box, there.

>>between his fingers

Link: Wait, he squeezed her butt between his fingers? He must have some ginormous, spider-like fingers that can span the width of Malon’s backside.

>>the redhead ground her hips back against his, slowly pushing his bloated cock

DED: Okay, now we’re just being disgusting.

Zelda: I mean, they already seemed corpse-like enough...

>>inside her slick, gooey pussy.

Rauru: Blargh! Gooey?

Link: Does she, like, douche with carpenter’s glue every day?


Zelda: Oh, God, the sound effects!

DED: The goggles! They do nothing!

>>“Mmmph!” an arc of total euphoria exploded from within the slender girl,

Rauru: Arcing euphoria explosions go “Mmmph.”

>>the huge shaft in her cunt sending raw sensations of pure pleasure into her body.

Link: Straight from the source!

>>Malon cried out in mixed pain and ecstasy

DED: Pecstasy?

>>as the twin’s manhood slid into her pristine pussy,

Rauru: ALLITERATION up in this motherfucker!

Zelda: Awwww jam.

>>her feral moans of delight

DED: Feral Delight. The new fragrance.

>>muffled by Nego’s thick hardness in her mouth.

Zelda: “Diff iff eksfakleh ow uh awwuf dweamed id wud beh! If fo boouhfuh!”

>>Her teeth grated along the fleshy staff of his dick

Rauru: That’s what you get when you rape a virgin!

>>as her hymen shattered in one fluid motion,


Zelda: That sounds kinda...brittle.

Rauru: Ow! My virginity!

>>her screams stifling between her wet lips.

DED: Your grammar is a fail.

>>“Oh, God,” Nego gasped.

Zelda: “What have I done?”

>>He stalled his thrusts

Rauru: VRRMMrumrumrumrum RMMMrumrum chonk chukk ksshhkk sssssshhhhhh...

>>into Malon’s mouth as she clenched him between her teeth.

Link: Well, THAT’S going to stop this rape party dead in its tracks!

>>For some reason, the pain accompanied by the ministrations from her moaning felt entirely erotic.

DED: That’s probably because he’s BATSHIT FUCKING NUTS.


Rauru: Kaaaaaame...haaaaaaaaaaame...

>>Suno let out a shuddering gasp behind her,

Zelda: GHHHGT!

>>shutting his eyes at the unbelievable tightness

Link: The unbelievable tightness of being?

DED: Maybe by shutting his eyes, he’s trying to disbelieve the tightness.

>>surrounding his member. The intense heat

Rauru: The reactor cannae take it, captain! 

>>coupled with her sweet juices felt nothing short of amazing.

Zelda: Why, it was tantamount to awesome!

>>“By the G-Goddesses … you’re so tight…!”

Link: “I swear in the name of the three Goddesses, mightiest of beings, creators of all things, supreme lords of the universe, blessed be, that you’re so tight!”


Rauru: Finger lickin’ good!

>>the only sound Malon could make was a weakened whimper; the sheer size of Suno’s shaft in her nether lips brought tears to her eyes.

DED: It’s just...*sniff*’s so beautiful...

>>‘…Ohhhhh… this isn’t right…

Zelda: Oh, hey, you’re NOW having second thoughts? Well, guess what? You’re fucked, sucker!

DED: Literally AND figuratively!

>>but it feels incredible…’

Rauru: Well, you’re just going to have to make a choice, then, huh?

>>Then, after an awkward silence,

Link: “Oh, so are we...”

DED: “ know...”

Zelda: “Oh...uh. Sorry.”

DED: “Ah.”

Zelda: “I just...”

Link: “Right.”

DED: “...yeah. With the...”

Zelda: “Yeah...”

Link: “...with the...thing.”

>>things started to pick up again.

Rauru: Let me tell you, things had better SERIOUSLY pick the fuck up by a factor of like a million, here.

Link: I know. I don’t know how they managed to make gang-rape this boring, but congratulations, you did.

>>Malon released the death grip she had on Nego’s hardness

DED: Death...grip?

Zelda: Boy, I sure HOPE Malon killed this guy’s dick.

Link: End HIS raping career right quick.

>>as he resumed bobbing her head

Rauru: Bob bob bob, bob bob her head---

DED, Link and Rauru: Bob bob bob, bob bob her head!

Zelda: Oh bob her hea-ea-ead! There on the be-e-ed! Bob her head!

Link: You got me rockin’ and a’rollin’, rockin’ and a’reelin’ bob her head!

All: Bob bob, bob bob her head!

>>on him once more,

Rauru: I have returned!

>>pulling her lips down

Zelda: And, you know, the rest of her head, right? Right...?

>>on his length in time with his hips.

DED: No Latino can resist the rhythm!

Link: You think he’s Latino now?

DED: I don’t see why not.

Zelda: But he’s CLEARLY Italian! Look at his skin!

DED: Let’s just agree to disagree.

>>Her pussy loosened just enough to let the other twin start thrusting into her tender core,

Rauru: The core’s gone critical!


>>his girth stretching the tight walls of her impossibly wet cunt.

DED: That can’t be! It’s impossible!

Zelda: Search your feelings, you know it to be true!

>>“Mmmmm… Ummphh…!”

DED: I’m sure that some day, someone will write a story consisting of nothing but moan sound effects. And when that person does, this story will be hailed as a revolutionary piece that was decades ahead of its time.

>>Suno plunged his swollen manhood deep inside of her nether lips,

Link: I never realized how truly, horrifically disgusting sex is until this day.

>>garnering deep moans


Rauru: This story has garnered more moans with those words alone than its characters EVER will.

DED: No, I’m afraid you don’t understand. Some goddamn fucking assclown on the fucking Internet fucking wrote the words “garnering deep moans” in a serious attempt at fiction.

>>from the gorgeous redhead. The juices continued to flow out


>>of her cunt like a freshwater stream,

All: *stunned silence*


Link: What more can I say? You win, story. You have beaten me. You have said more in that single insane analogy that I could ever hope to say. I’m done. I’m finished.

Rauru: Well played, story. Well played.

Zelda: I have to point out that, by definition, all streams are freshwater.

DED: Jesus Christ above, all I can think about is dams and waterfalls and gallons per minute and and and irrigation and tributaries...

>>all but drenching her inner thighs and underside of his hardness in sweet, translucent jelly.

DED: God, who ASKED for this shit?

Zelda: If this is what you think sex is really like, brother, you have been visiting the wroooooooooooong sites.

>>Oh, goddesses, how it smelled so good, thought Malon.

Rauru: Well, THAT’S pretty egocentric of her...

>>The deliciously intoxicating scent wafting up from her sticky legs

Link: BLURARGGHHHHHHH oh god I puked all my organs out collapse in pool of own vomit and die.

>>to her nose were spurring her inner desires on even more.

DED: You heard it here first, folks: Malon is aroused by her own miasma.

Rauru: That actually makes sense, given where she lives.

>>The fair-skinned girl’s heavenly fruit

Zelda: And, like all heavenly fruit, if you eat of it you will fall from grace.

>>was slowly covering Suno’s manhood in a warm, sticky cocoon,

Rauru: I shudder to think what Suno’s penis will metamorphose into.

>>making his skin tingle as she enveloped him with her tightness.

Link: Oh, I’d like to envelop him with my tightness. Envelop my tightness right around his stupid neck.

>>But even then, the engorged appendage was still rubbing tightly against her molten insides…

DED: Whaaaaaaaat? Even then...nothing changed?


Rauru: In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight! Oooo-WEEEEEEE, EEE EEE EEE, a-weeoo womba way...

>>Malon moaned long and deep, stimulating Nego that much closer to climax.

Zelda: Approximate distance to climax: .4 kilomoans.

Link: Amount that I give about this story: <1 nanoshit.

>>She listened to the handsome man respond in kind

DED: “...not ME you idiots, a torpedo!”

>>to her enthusiastic treatment of his dick,

Rauru: Yaaaaaaaay!

Link: I couldn’t be more excited!

Zelda: I declare today National Dick Appreciation Day!

>>moaning and gasping as she lavished the thick shaft in her hot mouth

DED: Yep, lavishing it with the same hot mouth that she uses to eat and puke and spit.

Rauru: Now THAT’S lavish.

>>like some precious thing.

Zelda: Yup. The way I show my appreciation for precious things is by putting them in my mouth.

DED: “This priceless Faberge egg is...” “NOM NOM NOM!”

Link: Filthy hobbitses, precious...

>>Suno pumped his large cock in and out of her molten depths

Rauru: If I walk away from this story having learned anything at all, it will be that nailing Malon is more or less equivalent to fucking the caldera of an active volcano.

Zelda: Yeah, but Malon will probably put up less of a struggle.

DED: Although off course, you won’t be walking away from this story. You’ll be lucky if you can waddle out the door.

Rauru: Eh. I play with the cards I’m dealt. And by “play with,” I mean “eat,” and by “cards,” I mean “sandwiches,” and by “dealt,” I mean, “slather with mayonnaise.”

>>like a piston, her milky-pink tunnel

Link: Okay, okay, NOW we’re just talking crazy, kids. This time just crossed the effing LINE. 

Zelda: I mean, do we really need to point out why this is asinine?

>>engulfing the huge rod like a million tongues

All: ...

DED: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! It gets better!

Rauru: “Million tongues” is the new “barns and cows!”

Link (singing): Ohhhh, once upon a time, you drank some slime, it really blew your mind, and you felt real fine, didn’t you?

Zelda (singing): Two brothers grabbed your tit, fingered your clit, you liked it not a bit, but you thought they were just...kiddin’ you!

DED (singing): You used to laugh about...rapists that the victim knows about! Now you go and moan so loud! Now you don’t feel so proud! About the twins molesting you, while the thunder peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeals...

Link (singing): How does it feeeeel? How does it feeeeel? To bone a guy that’s hunnnng? To have spooge in your lunnnnnng? Like a million tonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngues! *harmonica solo*

Zelda: Bob Dylan, ladies and gentlemen!

Rauru: ...Wow, that was a long walk for a short joke.

DED: What else is new?

Link: Besides, this whole story is a long walk for a short cumshot, anyway.

>>as he plowed deeper into her slit.

Rauru: I bet the Amish would enjoy that metaphor.

DED: No, I’m pretty sure the Amish would oppose pretty much EVERY ASPECT of this.

>>Malon nearly screamed at how great it felt.

Link: Man, I bet her birthday parties are really unpleasant.

Zelda: “A new butter churn? You shouldn’t have! IEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!”

>>Her walls being stretched with every inch of his erection made her juices pour out of her tight pussy.

Rauru: I think Malon just might be an infinitely sustainable source of hydroelectric energy. We’d just need a diaphragm with turbines in it.

DED: Now wait a minute, if she’s completely plugged up and everything is so tight, how is...oh. Oh, gross. Oh, godfuck, I suspect this the whole time, but...euggh.

Link: Man, what a fucking MESS!

>>Each push and each pull that strained against the redhead’s soaked inner walls; the pleasure within her body was starting to take its toll,

Zelda: I’m sorry...she has six weeks to live.

DED: Well, she’s got her priorities straight.

>>yet Malon unconsciously grinded back against his hips, pushing more of his throbbing length into her tight, wet sheath.

Rauru: Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but I counted five adjectives in that single sentence.

DED: I saw six. No, wait, seven.

Link: You know? I think my large, sexy brain, inside my sturdy, masculine skull, cannot take much more of this stupid, fucking, goddamn adjective-ridden story.


Zelda: What’s that, Malon? Kill them all? To shreds, you say...

>>the pleasure suddenly intensified tenfold,

DED: Bonus multiplier x10!

Link: You got multi-ball! Dingdingdingdingding!

Rauru: 10-hit combo!

>>the first waves of orgasms building up inside her

Zelda: It’s time for Hurricane O.

DED: And like a real hurricane, it’s going to turn her low-lying regions into a flooded, ruined swamp.

>>as Suno hit her G-spot.

Link: I’m tha kinda G tha little homies wanna be like, on my knees in the night, sayin’ prayers in the streetlight!

>>His hips slapped against hers in a steady rhythm

Rauru: Bailamos! Let the rhythm take you over, bailamos!

>>as he buried himself deep inside her,

DED: For the love of God, Montresor!

>>her tits gyrating and bouncing with each wonderful thrust.

Zelda: Don’t know much about pornography...

Link: ...Don’t know much about double-P...

Rauru: ...Don’t know much about Malon’s poon...

DED: But if this story could be over soon, what a wonderful thrust this would be!

>>Sllrch… Slrrrch… Slurp… Sllrrggg… Sllluurrpp…

Zelda: Malon being raped, or Rauru eating lunch?’s both!

>>“Mmm!” she drooled all over Nego’s shaft,

DED: Ah durrrrrrrrrrrr!

>>lathering him up


Zelda: This again! It makes just as much sense as it did last time we saw it!

Rauru: This story uses up so much ridiculous, it has to import ridiculousness from OTHER ridiculous stories!

>>in a thick layer of saliva and then wrapping her tongue and lips around his hard length, slurping loudly.

DED: Hey, a run-on sentence? Sure! Pile ‘em on!

>>She could feel him shiver a bit as she made wet, messy sucking noises

Zelda: “YES! I’m SO GOOD at this!”

>>on him with her inexperienced mouth,

Link: NO! WRONG! Do it AGAIN!

>>the vibrations from her moaning stimulating the dark-haired twin even further.

Rauru: That’s not a very helpful descriptor! They both have dark hair!

>>It didn’t sound very appealing to her,

DED: You’re telling us.

>>but judging from the awe struck look in his eyes, she was doing very well.

Link: Gasp in shock!

>>Malon grunted

Zelda: What’s that, girl? Little Timmy’s trapped in a well?

>>as she felt Suno squeeze her succulent tits

DED: Succulent-its?

Rauru: Yeah, they’re delicious but they’re bad for you.

>>from behind.

Link: I mean, that’s where he is, right?

>>He pulled hard against her generously sized melons

DED: Get MORE for your money at Big Bob’s Discount Melons!

Rauru: If you can find a better bargain, we’ll eat our hats!

>>as he tore his manhood into her.



>>Malon moaned over and over again

DED: So really, you could just have a looping sound clip and an animated GIF and that would more or less be equivalent to Malon in the sack.

>>as orgasm after glorious orgasm flooded her body,

Link: *shouts 1812 Overture*

Rauru: Three cheers for the glorious orgasms!

DED: Orgasm über alles! 

>>her sticky cum all but drenching Suno’s hardness in juices.

Zelda: All but drenching? Exactly what part of his “hardness” would remain dry, anyway?

>>“Mmmph… mmm… Mmmmm,”

DED: ...Once, there was this kid who, got into an accident and couldn’t come to school, but...

Link: Crash Test Dummies, Dave? At long last, have you no sense of decency?

>>Strings of glistening saliva rolled lazily off of Malon’s lips and chin

Rauru: Yeah, really classin’ up the joint here...

Zelda: Tasteless, yet unnecessary!

>>as she sucked hard on Nego,

Link: I always would say “Malon can suck my dick,” but now I know that it’s actually true!

>>thick globules falling away from the dick

DED: The next time I say to someone that fluids ruin stories, and they say back, “I don’t understand how fluids ruin stories,” I’ll show them this, and say, “FLUIDS FUCKING ANNIHILATE STORES!!!” And they’ll say, “Wow, I had no idea how thoroughly fluids could ruin a story until I saw this. Now, I realize the extent to which fluids can utterly dismantle---can completely and totally expunge---any possible traces of quality that...”

Rauru: I think we get the idea.

DED: I apologize if my point is still ambiguous.

>>that she was swallowing effortlessly into her throat.

Link: I find it dubious that it really took NO effort whatsoever.

>>“Oohhhh,” she heard him moan.

Rauru: Ebenezer Scroooooooge!

>>It was low and soft, which made her excited knowing that her methods were paying off.

Zelda: We’re in the money shot! We’re in the money shot! We got a lot of what it takes to suck a dick!

>>Malon could feel Suno traveling in and out of her molten depths unimpeded,

DED: The border patrol ees drunk again, amigos! Let’s make a run for eet! 

Link: Except that instead of illegal immigrants, Suno’s cock is bringing in truckloads of shame and humiliation.

>>his cock completely lubed up with her heavenly fruit.


Rauru: Silly rabbit! Fruit isn’t a lubricant!

DED: This gives new meaning and significance to the name, “Fruit of the Loom.”

>>The number of times she had come so far was simply staggering,

Zelda: Seriously, orgasms don’t work like that. There’s a rebound period. Look it up.

>>her spine tingling with electricity

DED: You know, that’s the first technically accurate thing in this story so far: your spine really is full of electricity.

>>and senses burning with untamable lust.

Link: Git along, lil’ dowgies! YAA!

Rauru: Home, home on the range! Where the lusts and the orgasms play!

>>She focused the muscles of her sweet center

DED: Delicious nougat?

Rauru: Pff, I wish.

>>around him, milking his hardness for all its worth.

Zelda: Depressingly little, actually.

>>Suno groaned loudly behind her, nearly losing control

Link: Y’all gonna make me lose my cool, up in here! Up in here!

>>as Malon squeezed the hell out of him


Rauru: You WRECK that shit, Malon!

>>within her pink vice.

Zelda: Gasp! The dreaded Pink Vice!

Link: That’s a new one.

DED: How ruthlessly absurd!


Rauru: No kidding, lady.

>>the twin penetrating her sweet cunt

DED: Sweet.

Link: Radical.

>>groped her breasts a bit harder as she moaned along with him,

Zelda: And pick up his new CD, “Moan Along With Rapist!”

Rauru: Featuring karaoke hits like “Shut Yo’ Face, Ya Mark-Ass Trick” and “Bitch, Don’t You See This Knife?”

>>and Nego started pumping her mouth at an even faster pace than before,

DED: John Freeman had to walk real fast out!

>>pushing his shaft clean into her throat.

Link: Cleeeeeeeean in there.

>>The pink tunnel between her thighs

Zelda: Okay, okay, THAT...that wins. That is the most laughably convoluted way to say “vagina” I have ever heard.

Rauru: I sure hope the author doesn’t talk that way in real life.

DED: “Hey, could you pass me that cylindrical vessel containing the squeezed liquid of orange-colored citrus fruit?”

Link: “...You mean this glass of orange juice?”

DED: “Geez, not in front of the children, man!”

>>was practically flooded with honey juices,

Zelda: Wow. Look, just watch real sex, and you’ll see that this just doesn’t happen like nine times out of ten.

Link: Except...don’t, like, actually watch people having sex. Y’know, unless you’re supposed to. Y...never mind. You get the idea.

Rauru: Malon is going to go into a coma any minute now from electrolyte imbalance.

>>her inner muscles enveloping the dick inside her.

DED: Join usssss...join usssss…

>>And just when Malon felt she couldn’t take the pleasure anymore

Zelda: Goodbye, cruel world!

DED: To come, or not to come? That is the question. Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous blowjobs...

>>… they came.

Rauru: OH SNAP!

>>As Nego bottomed himself out between her lips,

Link: WHAT.

Zelda: You have no chance to survive make your time.

>>thick, luscious streams of his Chu-jelly flavored cum

All: *stun*


Rauru: My God, it’s like they simply don’t know what they’re saying!

Zelda: Hey, I think that sounds pretty marketable. Like flavored condoms, only...more so.

Link: Flav-O-Jizz, in twelve great-tasting varieties!

>>flooded the redhead’s mouth,

DED: FEMA issued a statement today...

>>her screaming sending him over the edge.

Zelda: No...NO...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo...!

>>At almost the same time, Suno emptied his load

Rauru: Hey, this is a no-dumping zone.

Link: Give a hoot, don’t pollute!

>>deep inside Malon’s quivering sanctity,

Zelda: Oh Lawd.

DED: I’ve seen Un Chien Andalou. I’ve read this story. This story is more surreal.

>>erupting hard against the deepest part of the girl’s womanhood.

Link: That would be her need to have a million pairs of shoes. M’I right, guys? Huh? Huh?

Zelda: Notice how no one’s laughing.

DED: Only ‘cause you’re here.


Rauru: Time Changes Everything: each page guaranteed 30% sound effect by volume.

>>a torrential wave of love nectar

DED: Hahahahaha, wipeout! Dar nar nar narnarnar nar narnarnar nar narnarnar nar...

>>squelched out of Malon’s pussy

Zelda: There have been like umpteen times where I can picture some guy reading this story, trying his damnedest to rub one out, but then he reads one of these sentences and just breaks down laughing.

>>as she finally hit the peak of her crushing orgasm.


>>She was trying to swallow all of Nego’s cum as he pumped her mouth, but to no avail;

Link: Alas, alas! All is lost!

Zelda: Oh woe! Oh despair!

>>his sweet essence spilled down her chin, neck, and sumptuous breasts

DED: Fluids ruin stories. QED.

Rauru: We never doubted you.

DED: Yes, but all the same, this story got made.

>>even while Suno continued to loose a volley after volley

Link: Bdow, bdow, pew pew!

Zelda: We’re taking heavy fire! HIT THE DECK!

>>of his warm, viscous cum

Rauru: Man, Malon’s gonna give birth to a tar baby.

>>deep inside of her folds.

“MMmmmm…! Mmmmmhh…!... Mmmmph… Mmmm……Mmmm………Mmm…”

DED: She uses more M’s in a single orgasm than most cities do all year.

Zelda: I think we’ve found the cause of the Great M Shortage.

Link: Really? Awesoe!

>>The waves of ecstasy started to fade from Malon’s shaking figure,

Rauru: Please wait...shutting down...

>>and after what seemed like an endless amount of blissful after-throes,

DED: Do not leave your homes. You are still in danger.

>>Nego began to pull his swollen member out of her mouth.

Zelda: Gah! Ptooie!

>>Suno likewise did the same, only slower…

Link: Suno pretty much does anything, only slower.

>>his engorged cock making a rather odd Sluurgg


Raruru: Wow, the audio-book version of this story must be something else.

>>as it slid out… a mixture of their juices pooling out onto the bed covers at an alarming rate…


Zelda: I KNOW!

Rauru: Sound the alarm! ReeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeoooooo!

>>With a glistening veneer of semen covering her chest,

Link: High-gloss finish.

>>Malon did the only thing that was left for her to do

Zelda: Write her memoirs?

DED: “It was the breast of times; it was the worst of times.”

Link: Portrait of the Artist as a Young Slut.

Rauru: I, Cum-Sponge.

>>after such strenuous amounts of euphoria-inducing bliss.

DED: Ooooor bliss-inducing euphoria.

>>She passed out.


Link: And so, the secondary effects of the Chu Jelly start to kick in.


The soft and slender goddess that was Malon

DED: Tonight, on Exaggeration Theatre, “Malon: The Greatest Fucking Thing To Happen To Humanity Since The Invention Of The Alphabet.”

>>shuddered at the memories

Zelda: Eeeeeuuuugghhhhh.

Rauru: Don’t worry. With time, I’m sure her scars will heal.

Link: Be strong, Malon.

>>of her previous enrapture,

DED: Previously on “Malon’s Enrapturement Hour...”

>>her long ruddy locks

Rauru: Ach!

Zelda: Haggis!

Rauru: Really?

Zelda: No.

>>spilling over her shoulders and breasts.

Link: Well, you know what they say: “Don’t cry over spilled long ruddy locks.”

DED: Who says THAT?

Link: Oh, you know...they…

>>After all that…, after all the pleasure of the flesh that she’d been given to…

Rauru: They drugged her and raped her! Who could ask for more?

>>she still felt… empty inside.

Link: Wah wah wawawawawawawa…

Zelda: So, moral of the story is that no matter how you try, you can never ameliorate the taut, bitter emptiness in your wretched soul.

DED: Well...rape generally isn’t particularly satisfying for the rapee.

>>Just before drifting off, Malon vaguely remember hearing one of the twins murmur…

Rauru: “...if you tell anyone, ANYONE, about this, I break your kneecaps, capisce?”

>>‘I love you’ in her ear.

Zelda: He loves you! And you know that can’t be bad!

DED: Yeah he loves you, and you know you should be glad! OOOOOO!

Link: Well, maybe not in this case.

Rauru: I guess you could call what just happened “statutory love.”

>>To love and be loved, that was what she had always wanted.

DED: Do you neeeeeeeed anybody? I want someone to love!

>>To be held close, and kissed, and taken away into a heaven

Zelda: She wants Jesus?

DED: Don’t worry, young Malon. The Lamb of Hosts knows your desires.

Link: The Lord giveth, and the Lord also giveth from both sides at once.

>>of lustful moans and screams meant for the dearest of intimacies.

Rauru: ...byyyyyy a person who is not here and is never coming back.

Link: Me. Not these people. Because if you remember, that’s what she wants.

>>Only now…

Zelda: What is love? Baby don’t rape me...don’t rape more!

>>the one person that was so close in her heart was starting to slip away…

Link: Well, you know, maybe it’s best to just move on.

DED: You know, you will survive, and all that?

Zelda: I mean, at first, you were afraid, you were petrified. Kept thinkin’ you could never live without him by your side.

Rauru: But then you spent so many nights thinkin’ how he did you wrong, so shouldn’t you have grown strong, and learned how to get along?

Link: I mean, you spent oh so many nights feelin’ sorry for yourself, you used to cry, so why not hold your head up high? So he’ll see you, somebody new, not the chained-up little person still in love with him?

Zelda: Right, save all your lovin’ for someone who’s lovin’ you.

DED: Okay, this is ridiculous, I’m sorry I said anything.

>>“Mmm… Malon…”

Link: “Hey, Malon? Malon? Hello? Malon? Malon? Are you there, Malon? Malon? Hello?”

>>Malon looked back to see Suno reaching for her in his sleep,


>>the mop of ebony hair covering his face.

Zelda: Itsa me! Mario!

>>A slight change in positions under the sheets, and Malon blushed as his member slid along her ivory-white thigh.


Link: Wow, these guys are violating her in their SLEEP.

>>Closing her crimson eyes for a second time, she let out a sigh

DED: “Well, I guess I’M cleaning this mess up...”

>>as she lied back on the bed,

Zelda: The lie being, “Thanks guys, that was totally not disgusting and traumatizing! Don’t call me, I’ll call you.”

>>recognizable warmth finding her again,

Rauru: “Yep. That’s warmth, all right. I’ve seen this before.”

>>nuzzling quietly against the beautiful girl between them.

DED: Usually, sentences have, you know, subjects.

>>She would resign to this fate, she mused.

Link: The brainwashing is going well.

Zelda: Eeeeexcellent.

>>For now…

Rauru: She can always repress these memories, anyway.

DED: Hey, look at that number in the bottom left corner of Microsoft Word! Is that...can it be...100 pages?

Zelda: Wow. Atsa lotta rape.

DED: Yeah, epic! And look: no one’s got bullet wounds or obvious mental trauma or leprosy or anything!

Rauru: Truly it is a glorious day!

Link: That’s right! I’m back, baby! No story can destroy me! I went from Pain to Sane! I stocked my Memory Bank with Joy Bills, and I stopped the Confidence Burglars who wanted to commit Assault and Sad-tery! I took a midnight train going anywhere! My hair is perfect!

Zelda: Yoooooou’re...just making all this counseling babble up, aren’t you?

Link: Well...yes. But hey, it worked!

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