In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space
We’ll send him crappy fanfi
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fi
cs begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:
Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “Psycho killer! Qu’est que c’est?”
Rauru! “Sweet dreams are made of cheese, who am I to disagree?”
Zelda! “I’m my cherry pie!”
Link! “It’s only teenage wasteland!”
If you don’t get how he stays alive
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!
“Love comes in Three” by BahamutDragons
>>As it is three Goddesses came down from the skies
DED: Shootin’ bullets of truth, to pierce all the lies!
>>Let not the duality of man and woman perplex you
Link: Don’t let it all come back the next day to vex you!
>>For through three has creation been brought
Zelda: All the battles we won, all the wars that we fought!
>>And through three was a road drawn
Rauru: So let’s get it on, till our song breaks the dawn!
>>A triforce created, given to the worthy
DED: Rollin’ with the crew, gotta get up pretty early!
>>Two to caretakers, the remaining to a life giver
Link: Our rhymes are ice-cold, so let’s make ya shiver!
>>From power to courage and courage to wisdom
Zelda: No rest in the next life, no mercy in this one!
>>Light shall reveal the path of truth
Rauru: Don’t be hatin’ on the playas ‘cause their style be uncouth! PEACE!
DED: And that’s REAL.
Link: Word to your mother.
Rauru: That was fun. We should freestyle more often.
DED: Word. Yo’ rhymes are hella tight.
>>Zelda stopped reading out loud
Link: The dawn breaks like a shroud, if you’ proud, then say it loud! I...
Zelda: No, no, honey. We’re done.
Link: But...I’m bringing the beats back to the streets!
Zelda: No, honey. Let’s shut up now.
Link (glumly): ...Oh-KAY…
>>and looked at the back of her hand,
Rauru: Yeah, she knows her hand like the back of her...um...
>>the triforce glowing intensely,
DED: ...Give me sight BEYOND sight!
>>proving that she truly was one of the worthy of legend, the life giver.
Zelda: Life-giver? Whoa, hold on. Am I, like, Yahweh or something?
DED: If you are, then that’s good. I know your true name, and I can finally get that golem finished.
Rauru: Dave, seriously, references to Jewish folklore? SERIOUSLY?
>>She then turned to her mentor, the mysterious Impa
Link: Oh God.
Zelda: Impa...NEVER a good sign.
Rauru: This reeks of pedophilia already, and we’re only two sentences in.
>>who had secretly taken her to this hidden room,
Link: After stealthily waking her up and making her a clandestine breakfast.
>>deep inside the princess’ own castle.
DED: Ooooh. Is that a metaphor, or...?
Zelda: Let’s hope not.
Link: Sorry, but our princess is in this specific castle.
>>“That is what ales the people of Hyrule,
Rauru: Mmm, rich Trappist.
>>the dark secret behind every precious few birth.
Link: Whatty what?
>>It is the secret Lord Ganondorf of the Gerudo, wielder of the triforce of Power, seeks.
DED: Wait, what secret? You mean that bizarre non-poem in the beginning?
>>For the woman of Gerudo are many and the man are one.
Rauru: YOU’RE THE MAN NOW, DOG!
>>Their extinction seems inevitable.”
Zelda: You’d think so, wouldn’t you?
Link: I see no problems with that system. I’d be perfectly happy inseminating an entire nation for a hundred years.
>>“I still do not understand what all of this means,” Zelda replied,
DED: “So you’re saying you put the lime...in the coconut...and drink them both...together?”
>>frustrated and shaking her head towards the marble tablet containing the scriptures.
Zelda: Oh, that tablet! Always causing wacky hijinks!
>>At seven years old,
DED: Aw, HEEEEELL no.
Zelda: This is a flashback. It’s got to be a flashback.
Rauru: Or maybe the rest of the sentence is like, “At seven years old, she was x, but now that she’s 21, she’s y.”
Link: Where X = “young” and Y = “hot.”
Zelda: Why thank you. But, you know, operative word being “young.”
DED: I have a bad, bad feeling about this.
>>she had quite a character
Rauru: His name is Jack Hardstab, an orthodontist on the edge who doesn’t play by the rules! But when the same robot ninjas that killed his mentor return to kidnap his daughter, he’s out for revenge...with nowhere to run and nothing left to lose!
DED: I would seriously watch that movie like twelve times.
>>and if she had to hide it during her duties as a princess, Zelda had no retention as a scholar of Impa.
Link: ...what the fuck was THAT supposed to mean?
>>“Then I shall tell you.
Rauru: “It’s like tomato soup, but cold.”
Zelda: That’s not the question she was asking.
Rauru: But it’s the question I’M asking.
>>And once you learn, then your fate shall be sealed.”
DED: Well, thanks, Impa, that was creepy as fuck!
Link: You know, your fate is sort of sealed to be SOMETHING no matter WHAT you do. So I guess she could say that all the time.
Zelda: Yeah, like, “Impa, could you hand me those tweezers?”
Link: “Yes, my child. But if I do...YOUR FATE IS SEALED.”
Elsewhere in the castle, Lord Ganondorf could hardly contain his anger.
DED: I’m just SO MAD that I’m elsewhere in the castle!
Rauru: Well, there’s Ganondorf for ya.
>>There he was,
Link: Walkin’ down the streeeeet...
Zelda: Get the funniest looks from...
DED: Everyone we meeeeeeet!
>>in the royal castle,
Rauru: ...get this...
>>pledging the loyalty of his people to the royal family
>>and his personal quest was left unfulfilled.
Rauru: I swear by the gods, you will be mine, three large gorditas with sour cream!
DED: Rauru, please, please stop bringing your insane life into this.
>>He had no illusions about where he stood in the eyes of the people gathered:
Link: You know, like...right there. On the carpet. Like, in front of them.
>>distrusted by all and not worthy of the redemption he sought for his people,
Zelda: Aww, it was just a little genocide...
Link: Like, not even. It was barely even a massacre.
>>asking for their exile to be lifted.
Rauru: Y HELO THAR!! CAN HAS FREDUM KTHX?
>>Not that they were wrong of cou
Link: Oh, well, DUH.
DED: Yes, they distrust him based on the just and accurate perception that Ganondorf is, in fact, a colossal dick.
Zelda: Let’s have no more talk of colossal dicks, all right? I’m trying to enjoy the lull before the storm.
>>After all, his true goal was to find the reason the woman of his tribe would not
Rauru: Go out with him? Well, let’s start with his goatee...
>>bare children, he who had been chosen to live when all other males were condemned to die.
Link: Wait, they kill all the male babies? Fuck!
DED: That is a disturbing revelation...
Link: I just thought it was, like, an ancient cu
rse, or some recessive gene or something! God DAMN
>>He distractedly scratched the back of his hand
Zelda: Friggin’...mosquito bite...itches like a razzinfrazzin...
>>where the proof of his greatness,
Rauru: BEHOLD MY HAND!
Link: You shall love it...and despair!
DED: Like David Duchovny in Zoolander.
>>the only thing that could convince the king to accept him as one of his people,
Zelda: “Look, I got my hand stamped when I left, now, for the love of God, LET ME RE-ENTER!”
>>lay shining in the semi darkness; the triforce of Power, symbol of the chosen by the Goddesses.
DED: Ooooh, semicolon goodness.
Link: And semi darkness.
>>None knew from where this holy mark came,
Rauru: Well, like, from his hand, m’I right?
>>but for Ganondorf, it had meant the difference between life and death many a time,
Link: “I swear to God, I’m going to blow your freakin’ brains out...unLESS you have a weird birthmark on your hand!”
>>including the day of his birth.
Zelda: Ah yes, Gerudo birthday parties.
DED: Where they practice the traditional “culling of the weak,”
>>The Gerudo were proud to be only woman,
Rauru: Sometimes it’s hard t’ be a wuh-mon...
>>but they were not fools either.
Link: Uh...prove it to me.
>>Once every generation, out of all the boys sacrificed at first to the Goddesses,
DED: Right, not doing so good on the ol’ “not fools” front.
>>a boy was kept to ensure procreation.
Zelda: I can see trying to live that way for, like, a week or two, and then giving up, but...
DED: Do they really not see the potential for CATASTROPHIC DISASTER?
>>At least, that is how they had decided they would lead their lives.
Rauru: Having carefully weighed their options, they decided to place the continuation of their race completely in the hands of one random baby.
>>Ganondorf had been the first boy chosen to survive,
Link: I can just imagine a bored Gerudo with two baskets and a big pile of babies, going, “Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, save, kill, kill...”
>>chosen because of his triforce birthmark; only now
DED: Okay, one semicolon is classy, but two is pushing it.
Zelda: Consider you
>>no births had come from it
Rauru: Well try harder!
Link: Ha ha! He’s the only man in the whole country and he still can’t get a date.
>>and before long, the woman would be unable to give birth.
DED: Well, if no births are coming, doesn’t it sort of follow that people can’t give birth?
>>And if the royal family was not inclined to help them,
Zelda: In the words of Desiderius Erasmus, “No chance, douchebags!”
>>he would cut his own path to the answer.
Link: All the workers at the fertility clinic dreaded Ganondorf’s visits.
Rauru: “If no one tells me why I can’t impregnate my woman in the next ten seconds, so help me I will DRENCH THE WALLS WITH BLOOD!”
>>And if the answer existed not in the castle, then his people would be doomed.
DED: Well, at least his heart is in the right place.
Rauru: Behind his sternum?
DED: Yes, Rauru. That’s exactly what I meant.
Link left Lon Lon Ranch a bit weary.
Zelda: Oh ho ho ho, I wonder why.
Link: Ahh, let’s drink deep from the bountiful well of Malon-is-a-slut jokes.
>>Sleeping in the stable had proven difficult with all of the ambient noise of the animals.
Rauru: Yeah, well, no freaking kidding!
Link: “Listen, have you inbred retards ever heard of something called a guest bedroom?”
Zelda: Away in a manger, no crib for his bed...
>>He shook his head, knowing that a few animal squeals would not bother a Kokiri
DED: Your squeals are POWERLESS to stop me!
>>to such an extent. And even if he was not one of them, he had still lived among them for a long time.
Rauru: Yes and how, many years, must one live in the woods, before you can call him a Kokiri?
>>What truly bothered him were all the questions he had about himself
Link: Doesn’t he have, like, an owner’s manual?
>>and his so called purpose.
Zelda: Save the world? Like, what-EV-ARR.
>>If he was not Kokiri, who was his real family? Did he have brothers and sisters?
Link: Yes. Hundreds.
>>Why had he been abandoned to the elven people?
Rauru: I dunno. Why don’t you ask your moth...oh.
>>Link turned to face the farm one last time.
DED: No, Link. Walk away. Walk away and never look back.
>>He had felt great sadness among them all, seemingly for the same reason: Malon’s mother’s death even if it was some time ago.
Zelda: Is it me, or did that sentence make no grammatical sense whatsoever?
>>The boy had been surprised to feel that
Link: Wait, feel what?
>>although he hid it, even the girl’s uncle Ingo, under all of his bad attitude was affected by her death.
Rauru: Wow, that whole paragraph was like one big aneurysm.
DED: Yeah, let’s just move on, shall we?
>>Turning back towards the castle, Link continued his walk towards it at a slow pace.
Zelda: Dum dee dum dee doo, I’m in no hurry, I can wait to get around to the whole SAVING OF THE ENTIRE WORLD...la dee da dee da, ooh look a butterfly!
>>He still did not understand everything that was happening to him,
Link: Tell me about it. I mean...toasters.
DED: Uh, yes?
Link: Friggin’ toasters. I just can’t fucking figure them out. It’s like, you put bread in, push the lever down, and then in like three minutes, fuckin’ TOAST pops up!
DED: Yep, it’s a mystery, all right.
Link: It’s like, why can’t we use that technology to turn lead into gold or something?
Rauru: Or, like, a machine where you put milk in one end and chocolate pudding comes out the other end. That would be mondo tubular.
>>his young mind still lacking the maturity to process the complexity of it.
Link: Yep. And I like it that way.
Zelda: Huh. It occurs to me that it really doesn’t matter what age Link is, he always acts the same way.
Rauru: The only difference being whether he wants to get into anybody’s pants or not.
DED: Well, actually, if this story is any indication...
>>And when ever he felt overwhelmed, he looked to the back of his hand
Rauru: Remember, down the road, not across the street!
>>where the sacred triforce marking lay. Although he did not understand
Zelda: This is certainly an emerging theme.
>>the birthmark, it always gave him the courage he needed
DED: DINGDINGDINGDINGDING thematic closure!
>>to move forward.
Link: Look ahead! Try to detect it! It’s not too late!
>>His goal was
>>where resided the lord of the land.
DED: Daa, daa, da da daaa, da da DA, DA da DA, DA DA DAAAA...
>>He still did not know
>>what to expect but had been told that the answers he sought would be found there.
DED: Note to young, impressionable readers: If a “jolly king” tells you to “come to his castle” so he can “show you all the answers you seek,” DO NOT go with him. He is not a real king.
Rauru: Also, what the HELL are you doing reading this in the first place?
>>Link felt the weight of the sword and shield on his back,
Zelda: And plus, he’d been hittin’ the Mallomars pretty hard, so...
Link: Hey, it’s tough to stay in shape during the off-season.
>>remembering his battle within the old wise tree.
DED: Note to young, impressionable readers: If an “old wise tree” asks you to “come inside him” for a “battle,” DO NOT listen. He is not a real tree.
>>Somehow, he felt that the fighting had just begun.
Link: And this time...it’s personal.
>>Again, he looked to his birthmark for comfort.
Rauru: I wish I had a birthmark shaped like an adorable kitten to help me through the hard times.
“You have learned of the way to give birth not so long ago, the union of a man and a woman,” Impa told her student, trying to hide a grin
DED: God damn it Impa, you suck fuck! What the hell is wrong with you?
Rauru: And technically, the union of a man and a woman isn’t how you give birth.
>>as the child showed disgust at the memory.
Zelda: Oh, Christ, what did you DO to her?
Link: At this point, I’m going to go ahead and say that Impa is the WORST HUMAN BEING in the ENTIRE UNIVERSE.
>>“But you have been deceived. All of Hyrule is being deceived.
DED: “The government is implanting chips in our hypothalamuses!”
Zelda: “The cake is a lie!”
Link: “Soylent Green is made of people!”
Rauru: “Human beings are inhabited by thetans who are the souls of billions of people who Xenu killed with hydrogen bombs 75 million years ago!”
>>Today, you shall learn the truth.”
DED: THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE
>>Zelda remained silent, remembering her conversation with her dad about procreation.
Rauru: “Wakeupwdakng25: so den he puts his penis in u”
Zelda: “XxPrettyPrincessxX: lol wut”
Rauru: “Wakeupwdakng25: srsly”
Zelda: “XxPrettyPrincessxX: omfg nowai den wut”
>>“Hylian children can not be born from the mating of a man and a woman.
DED: Well, yeah, technically, they’re born from uterine contractions during labor, but...
>>They come from the union of two men and a woman.
Link: Oh, come on, what the FUCK?
Rauru: Do I detect an attempt to shoehorn in an author’s pet fetish? I THINK I DO!
>>The misconception dates from long ago.
Zelda: “Back then, people realized that IT MAKES NO GODDAMN DIFFERENCE who’s fucking who as long as it goes in the right hole, and they started this silly rumor about eggs and sperm...”
>>Priests believed that since only two genders were made to exist, man and woman must be made to share their lives together.”
DED: Well, that makes sense, right?
Link: I mean, if what she’s saying is true, shouldn’t there be two men for every woman?
>>She took her head, unsure of how to proceed.
Zelda: “Oh, oh, I got it! Next I’ll tell her she can only have sex on the vernal equinox! This is going to be PRICELESS!”
>>Explaining the origins of babies was one thing,
DED: It certainly was.
Link: Maybe even two.
>>detailing the history behind it
Rauru: Evolutionary biology IS a bit difficult to summarize.
DED: “Okay, so some reptiles started laying soft-shelled eggs, and from there...”
>>and its implications was quite another, even to the bearer of the triforce of Wisdom.
Link: So that’s why you’re so smart!
Zelda: All this and brains, too!
>>“Why… why did daddy lie to me?”
Rauru: “I ONLY DID IT BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!”
Zelda: “Don’t listen to him. Just tell me what he did to you.”
>>Zelda asked in sorrow. For now, that was all that she understood of the situation.
DED: And so begins her deep-seated, lifelong hatred of her father. On his deathbed, he begged to see her one last time, and she turned away.
>>“Because he doesn’t understand the truth himself,
Link: He dumb as hell.
>>few people actually do
Rauru: “Only by following the Eightfold Path of Siddhartha Gautama, the Buddha, may your reach enlightenment.”
>>and it is a small miracle that the people of our world still exist.
Zelda: Tell me about it man...nuclear war, holes in the ozone, school shootings...it’s just...fuck it, man, fuck the world...
>>It’s a constant battle of faith against instinct.
DED: What else is life, if not that?
>>Let me explain.
Link: Heeere we go...
>>Everyone in the world is born under a sign: power, wisdom,
DED: Okay, semi-colon number three, and you are officially overdoing it.
>>it can not be displayed as yours, it is still there. I, for example, am courage.
Rauru: I am the walrus. Goo goo g’joob.
Zelda: You’re telling us.
>>For a woman to become pregnant, she must have sex with a man of the sign preceding hers.
DED: And so, “What’s your sign?” goes from corny pick-up line to vital information instantly.
>>For instance, the sign before courage is power.
Link: How come?
Zelda: Seems kinda arbitrary.
>>And then, during this mating, a second man must also be involved,
Rauru: In what capacity? Like, coaching?
DED: Or, like, a fluffer?
>>bearing the remaining sign.
Link: So, wait...a man and a woman can have sex as much as they want, and she won’t get pregnant?
Zelda: And this is supposed to be a BAD thing?
>>Mating together, the seed of the second man must pass to the first and the first to the woman.
Rauru: Well, THIS seems like a fair and logical extension of
>>Only then is a child born.
Link: Like, right away, or...?
Zelda: That would sort of ruin the mood.
>>Most Hylians do not know this truth, yet they still exercise it.
DED: If you...catch my drift.
>>It is in our blood despite what anyone says.
Rauru: “All right, urge-for-man-on-man-on-woman-gangbangs, come out of our blood RIGHT NOW!”
>>But since it is all but frowned upon,
Zelda: Oh God, all but frowned upon? Why, you might even go as far as to say it was...discouraged!
>>births still remain very rare.
DED: This is kind of like Children of Men, if Children of Men were an erotic fanfic set in Hyrule. And, like, really sucked.
>>Overtime, the people have come to accept it as natural and moved on.”
Zelda: “Honey, do you ever wonder why the human race is slowly but surely spiraling towards extinction?”
Link: “Oh, don’t worry your pretty little head about it, honeykitten!”
>>Zelda was no longer grossed out by the story.
Rauru: Now, she was ABSOLUTELY FUCKING TERRIFIED.
>>Now that the tale had been told, she understood better, as if a shadow had been lifted from her mind.
DED: Also, the drugs were finally wearing off.
>>“We should tell everyone,” she decided.
Zelda: Let the proclamation ring forth from the highest tower!
Link: “Hear ye, hear ye! ‘Tis of the most grave importance that thou doth fornicate in triumvirate!”
>>“Hasty words princess, for it is not so easy to change a people.
Rauru: Hold on, let me check...yep, that sentence was FUCKING LUDICROUS.
>>They believe that they committed a sinful act and will refuse to acknowledge the truth.”
Link: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
>>“Then what do we do mistress Impa?”
Zelda: Oh God.
Rauru: “I’ll tell you what we do. They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. THAT’S the HYRULE way.”
>>Although Impa was her friend, during teachings Zelda still had to refer to her as mistress.
DED: *profound shudder*
>>“The path of truth must be lit and I believe you are one third of the key.
Zelda: “Am I the K?”
>>Beware however, for before light will come great darkness.”
Link: I don’t even WANT to know.
DED: “Okay, put this on your head...”
‘It is time,’ Ganondorf acknowledged,
Rauru: Uh, okaaaaaaay...so back to this, then.
DED: Hang tight. I’m sure this is going somewhere.
Zelda: Problem is...I don’t think I want to go where it’s going.
>>putting his cape back on.
Rauru: What on earth was he doing that required him to take off his cape?
>>He then walked out of his room, ready for his final interview with the king.
Link: “Okay, okay, just act natural...shoulders square, big smile, make eye contact but don’t stare...”
Elsewhere on the castle’s premises,
DED: Meanwhile, back at the ranch...
>>Link finally managed to find an entry that would make him avoid
Zelda: “Find an entry that would make him avoid?”
Rauru: Was this, like, translated from the original Japanese?
>>the guards. Waking a sleeping Talon,
Link: Never learned to let sleeping Talons lie...
>>Malon’s father who had come for milk deliveries,
Zelda: “Wh...who are you?”
Link: “I have come...for MILK DELIVERIES.”
Rauru: Sent back in time from the future, to deliver the milk!
DED: The Milkman...has made his final delivery.
>>the boy entered the courtyard, knowing that stealth would now be his best asset.
Link: I thought my eyes were my best asset.
Rauru: Or maybe it’s, you know, that Triforce of yours.
The princess waited by the window to the throne room.
Zelda: Wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door...who is it for?
>>Impa had told her to wait there ‘for the times of change were upon them and today would be the day it would all begin.’
DED: Wow, thanks Impa! My apprehension has comPLETELY melted away!
Link: Do you think you could maybe be a little more vague?
>>Impa had always been overdramatic.
Rauru: Not to mention underspecific.
>>However, Zelda could not deny her excitement
DED: No self-control, this one.
>>at the sight of a young boy clad in green advancing to her.
Zelda: “Holy crap! A young boy advancing to me! This is more exciting than Christmas!”
The interview and pledge had gone well…
DED: ...at FIRST...
>>if it had been all Ganondorf was after.
Link: God, EVERYTHING in this story sounds like sketchy innuendo!
>>He had made his request to find a way to save his people from the unknown plague
Zelda: Well, c’mon, what do we look like, doctors?
>>and the king had diplomatically answered
DED: “Choke on my testicles, fuckstick!”
>>that he would take notice of is request and that it would be examined before a response was given.
Rauru: Please submit your request in triplicate using form WAC-14409 to the Department of Gerudo Relations, extension 3227, and wait 4 to 6 weeks for...
>>The lord of the Gerudo knew politi
understood the response: no.
Link: This sounds more like a question. You know, like, “The lord of the Gerudo knew politi
understood the response?: no.”
>>‘No more politi
cs nor diplomacy,’ Ganondorf
DED: No more pencils, no more boo-oooks, no more teacher’s dirty looo-oooks!
Zelda: AMBASSADORSHIP’S, OUT, FOR, SUMMER!
>>‘Today, I crush anyone who stands between me and the answer.’
Rauru: “YOU WILL CURE MY LOW SPERM COUNT OR I WILL CRUSH YOUR SKULL LIKE A GRAPE!”
>>Furious, he almost crashed into a woman
Link: “Fire the portside afterburners! Evasive action!”
Zelda: “There’s no time! Thrusters unresponsive!”
Link: “Full power to the forward shields! BRACE FOR IMPACT!”
>>who was leaning against the stone wall.
Rauru: There she stands like a stone wall.
DED: What are you, a Civil War buff?
Rauru: Actually, yes.
DED: Oh, great, you’ve got basically every creepy fat person trope covered...
Rauru: Wait, you mean the civil war between ketchup and mustard, right?
Link: ...what in the good God are you talking about?
Rauru: Oh, it’s a fascinating piece of history, you know. It’s...
Zelda: ...something we don’t need to hear about it.
DED: Wow, G-dorf is a total puss.
Link: “WhoooOOOaa! Wah! There’s a woman! Oooog...I need to lie down...”
>>he lifted a hand to slap the impertinent,
DED: Warning: Ganondorf WILL slap a bitch.
>>but the woman did not move nor show fear.
Rauru: Hooray for feminine empowerment!
Zelda: You know, Rauru, when you say that, it’s seriously really creepy.
>>Quite the opposite, she stood defiant of him.
Link: I think maybe Ganondorf is reading way, WAY too much into this.
DED: Like, all that happened was he accidentally bumped into her. A normal person would just say, “Oh, excuse me, I wasn’t watching where I was going.”
>>Ganondorf could feel a lot of willpower within her and felt attracted to her.
Rauru: Oh, God, don’t tell me we have a FOUR-way on our hands.
Link: You know, for a guy whose responsibility is impregnating an entire country, he’s pretty easily distracted by the local girls.
>>“I know your bane,” Impa told him
Zelda: “Tartar. It will be the end of you and everything you love. Fortunately, there’s new Crest Tartar Control with Whitening, that...”
>>with vigor as he brought his hand back down.
Link: Ganondorf, you best check yo’ self.
>>“And I can show you,
Rauru: I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.
>>the chosen one by the triforce of power, the way to save your people.
Link: “Thank you, MacGuyver. You have saved our people.”
DED: “Don’t thank me. Thank the moon’s gravitational pull!”
>>I warn you however: the path is a shocking one.”
Zelda: “I mean, literally, I hook you up to a car battery and just shock the hell out of you for like half an hour. ‘kay?”
>>“Lord Ganondorf fears naught and none,”
DED (singing): ...Bravely bold Lord Ganondorf, come forth from Gerudo! He was not afraid to fuck, oh brave Lord Ganondorf! He was not at all afraid to have sex with other men, brave, brave, brave, brave Lord Ganondorf! He was not in the least bit scared to go down on little boys, or to have his balls sucked on, and his cock fellated! To have his penis licked, by a prepubescent girl, and his dong all wet and slimy, brave Lord Ganondorf! With his semen licked up and his dick in a butt and his tongue in a cunt and his junk in a trunk and his testicles groped and his wang sticking out and his pe...
Rauru (interrupting): THAT’s...enough singing, lads...
>>he replied loudly, trying to overwhelm this woman but failing miserably.
Link: “I drive a Ferrari, you know.”
Zelda: “Uh huh.”
Link: “Four cylinders. Torque like you wouldn’t believe.”
Zelda: “Yeah. Sure.”
>>“Then all is now sealed,” she simply replied.
Rauru: “So, uh...what’s that supposed to mean?”
Zelda: “Just...just wait a minute, okay?”
Rauru: “No, I mean, isn’t something supposed to happen?”
Zelda: “Look, shut up, okay? We’re supposed to have cut away from this scene by now.”
Link appeared in another part of the castle.
Link: So was it like, “I’m going to sneak into the castle!” “*TELEPORT*” “Wow! Here I am somewhere in the castle!” Buh?
>>It was another open sky garden, this time overlooking a bedroom
Rauru: Hold on, WHAT?
Zelda: A garden...overlooking a bedroom? Is this some kind of Escher painting?
Link: Are you sure it’s not supposed to be the other way around?
>>with a heavy wooden door leading to it.
DED: To which? What? WHAT IS GOING ON I DO NOT COMPREHEND THIS WORDS!
>>He did not understand why he had been brought here.
Link: You’re goddamn right I don’t!
>>“What are you doing here?” he heard a voice say from the bedroom.
Rauru: AAAAAAAH! TALKING BEDROOM!
>>Zelda appeared before him again by a window in the stone.
Zelda: This is like a goddamn David Copperfield act, everyone appearing and disappearing...
>>“Should you not be on your way with my blessing?”
Link: What in the FUCK are you talking about, woman?
>>“I was brought here by Impa. I don’t understand why.”
DED: And, incredibly, no one is surprised.
>>Already Zelda understood better.
Zelda: NOW we’re talking sense.
>>At least if Impa had chosen to send him here, then there was a purpose to all of this.
Rauru: Oh, there’s a purpose all right, but it’s not going to be pretty.
>>“Come to my room,” she said, her tone now softer.
Link: NOW we’re talking sense.
>>I don’t know why you’re here, but I’m sure we’ll understand soon.”
DED: Well we knooooooow where we’re goin’, but we don’t know, where we’ve been. And we knooooow what we’re knowin’, but we can’t say, what we’ve seeee-eeen...
>>She opened the door leading in.
Rauru: I hope that isn’t a metaphor, either.
>>As he walked towards her, still in wonder from all the richness of the castle,
Zelda: All the richness are belong to me.
DED: Wait, was Link or Zelda in wonder from all the richness?
Zelda: I mean, I’ve kind of gotten over it.
>>part of the stone wall from the courtyard twisted, revealing a secret passageway
Link: Wait...that’s IT! It was Professor Plum, in the Conservatory! But with what...with WHAT?
>>from which a very disoriented Ganondorf appeared.
Rauru: That’s my favorite kind of Ganondorf!
>>Turning and seeing the intruder, Link swiftly drew sword and shield.
Zelda: Well, drew his sword, and then spent about ten or fifteen seconds strapping his shield to his arm.
>>In response, Ganondorf started invoking a ball of energy.
DED: Invoke. Verb. To call or pray for.
Link: “Oh Lord, giveth unto me your humble servant yon ball of darkness, that with it I may blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy...”
DED: Wow, that’s the second time in like two paragraphs.
Link: I know! We’re on fire!
>>“Stop!” Zelda yelled
>>before realising what she had said.
Rauru: “Oh, God, I hope I didn’t just blurt out something like ‘stop’! I really want to see them kill each other!”
>>But her words were unnecessary
DED: Yeah, shut up!
>>for the boy had already lowered his weapon
Link: “Drop the gun! DROP THE FUCKING GUN!”
>>and the Gerudo dissipated his attack.
DED: I really want to make some kind of comment on how “dissipate” is totally the wrong word to use here, but really, trying to edit this would be like putting parsley on dog poop.
>>For a moment, they were all silent and still, feeling something deep and mystical in the air but unsure of how to act.
Link: This happens to me at parties ALL the TIME.
>>Finally, Zelda understood
>>as she looked at each of their triforce signs shining as never before.
DED: You mean to say “like never before” or “as they never had before.” You fail, next, please!
Rauru: Didn’t you JUST SAY how futile it is to try and edit this?
DED: But damn it, I’ve GOT to TRY.
>>The princess knew what was to come,
Link: Da-dum TSHHH!
>>but how to explain to the two others…
Rauru: Okay, Link I can understand, but do you really think she needs to explain sex to Ganondorf?
Zelda: Yes, actually.
Rauru: Oh. Good point.
>>Again, history repeated itself
DED: Welcome to
, population: this
>>as instinct took over. Slowly, Link advanced
Link: Look, I TOTALLY have 4th grade covered this year. You’ll see.
>>towards the dark bronze tainted Gerudo,
Zelda: ...DOES THAT FUCKING SAY WHAT I THINK IT SAYS?!?
Link: DO. NOT. WANT.
>>his skin gleaming in the sun.
Rauru: But...I thought that was literally “where the sun don’t shine.”
DED: If there is a God, he will hurry up and strike me as blind and deaf as Helen Keller.
>>He carelessly threw his equipment aside,
Zelda: ...and it landed on fourteen different fuzzy endangered animals and snapped their little spines.
DED: Then it bounced and hit an oil lantern, which fell over and shattered next to a pile of dry hay, and...
>>understanding that they would serve no purpose now.
Link: “What do you mean, ‘now?’”
Zelda: “Quick, stab him now, while he’s vulnerable!”
Link: “Wait, is THAT what we’re doing? I thought...”
>>Ganon simply stood there,
Rauru: And lo, in this the moment of destiny, the three chosen ones did standeth around like unto a bunch of big fat lumps...
Zelda: Look who’s talking...
Rauru: ...me, right? I mean, I think it’s me...
>>his heart pounding in his chest,
Link: Ganondorf is going to shoot down the walls of heartache, bang bang.
Rauru: Now if only he could shoot down arteriosclerosis…
>>waiting for this moment which he did not know he craved for before.
DED: Must...rape...little boy...
>>Link reached the tall man and the size different was now much more apparent,
Zelda: No, I assure you, the size difference has been AGONIZINGLY apparent from the very beginning.
Link: The implications...oh, God, the implications...
>>the boy’s head exactly at crotch level.
Rauru: *spit take*
DED: WELL THAT’S BLOODY CONVENIENT!
>>Unsure what to do now, he started rubbing through the thick pants,
Link: Because, you know, that’s my default operation when I don’t know what to do.
Zelda: That really doesn’t sound very unsure to me...
>>feeling nothing at first
Link: I AM UNMOORED FROM REALITY FOREVER!
>>before a bulge started forming.
>>The boy caressed the outlines of it, fascinated by its size.
DED: Wow. Just...wow.
Zelda: Then again, Link is very easily fascinated.
Link: Zelda, did you ever think, like, seriously, about your earlobes? I mean, really, really think. ‘Cause I do. All of a sudden I just can’t fucking look away from them.
Zelda: Okay, now I’m going to upgrade that to “unsettling.”
>>Helping the boy, Ganondorf unbuckled his pants,
Rauru: Okay, okay, no. You are absolutely not “helping” him. This is pretty much the polar opposite of what help looks like.
>>letting them drop to reveal his very large cock.
DED: Not just large…jumbo/LARGE.
Link: And yet, he still can’t repopulate his dumb society.
Link: Hey, cram it, toots. You’re the one who comes crawling back night after night.
Zelda: Oh, puh-leeze. Like I couldn’t...
DED: *interrupting* ...And now we’re JAMMIN’, jammin’ tunes, jammin’ tunes, now we’re JAMMIN’, JUMBO-LARRRRRGE!
Zelda: Do you ever shut up?
Rauru: You are geeeeting sleeeeepy...veeeery sleeeeeepy...loooook at the heeeepno-coooock...
DED: ALL HAIL THE HYPNO-COCK.
>>Link took it into his hands,
Zelda: He’s taking this matter into his OWN hands!
Link: Bringing the metal back to where it belongs!
>>surprised at the heat it emitted.
Rauru: “My God, this could power a small city for weeks!”
DED: Hey, it worked for the Sentinels.
>>Slowly, he started to stroke it,
Zelda: Why oh why does he seem to know EXACTLY what he’s doing?
>>making the man moan.
Link: MOAN, dammit!
>>The position was not comfortable however
DED: What, standing?
Rauru: Well, YEAH...
Link: Oh no, I think it goes way beyond the position. I think this whole STORY is intensely uncomfortable.
>>so the Gerudo took a few steps to the middle of the courtyard, taking Link with him
Zelda: “Okay, now, back up, but keep...yeah, like that, b...no, wait, you’re going too f...dammit, I...OW!”
>>and discarding his clothes to display his full nudity,
Link: Thanks, Ganondorf! I totally asked for that!
>>before laying down in the light grass.
DED: Man, that’s going to itch like all hell.
Link: “Wait, wha? *KLONK*”
>>He placed his hand inside the green tunic,
DED: So he just phased his hand through the cloth or what?
>>feeling the boy’s smooth chest.
Zelda: Just look at this finish!
Link: Link: Your Sign for Quality.
>>With his other hand, he rubbed the boy’s bare legs, reaching higher and higher
DED: Can you take, me, hiiii-uhhhh? DAWW DA DAWDEDY DAOW!
Zelda: Guh! Man, why do we have to do this in my castle? This seems like it should be going in a public restroom or something!
>>until he discovered what he was looking for.
Rauru: Oh, THERE it is! I’d been wondering!
>>Ganondorf smiled: Kokiri boys did not wear any undergarments.
Link: Nope. Free ‘n easy, like Sunday morning!
DED: The more I find out about you, the more I wish I never had.
>>Zelda was still in her room, looking at the lewd scene unfolding before her.
Zelda: I just can’t figure this out. Who the hell has a bedroom with a door that opens onto a fucking lawn?
Rauru: You, apparently.
>>She felt a strange tingle in her stomach and suddenly,
DED: Wow, just...wow. There are SO many ways I could go with that.
Zelda: Uh huh. How many of them involve flatulence?
DED: Exactly one.
DED: Or so.
>>the princess of Hyrule wanted to be a part of this.
Link: What makes her think she’s wanted?
Rauru: Yeah, and what woman would look at a little boy stroking off a grown man and think, “I gotta get me some of that!”
>>She quickly shed her clothes and advanced to the males.
DED: Let’s pause here and remind ou
that if Zelda were in school, she’d be in the SECOND FUCKING GRADE.
Zelda: Sweet Christ, Ganondorf, can’t you wait, like, a decade or so?
Link: God, it’s like they simply don’t realize what they’re saying!
>>By now, Link was also completely nude, having his clothes removed by Ganondorf.
DED: Back up a second. “Is completely nude,” but is “HAVING his clothes removed.” So...we have some kind of chrono-disjunction going on here.
Rauru: With any luck, we’ll be sucked into a wormhole that will take us to the end of this story.
>>The man was laying on the ground,
Zelda: Ganondorf is not a man. He is some kind of...God, there’s no word!
>>delicately stroking the kid’s thighs
Link: WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?
DED: Is there ANY conceivable reason this couldn’t be taking place when the characters are fucking older?
Zelda: Can’t they be fucking, older?
>>as the boy resumed the stroking of the cock.
DED: The Running of the Bulls?
Zelda: The Taming of the Shrew?
Link: The Armies of the Night?
>>Zelda advanced to the couple
Rauru: ...of blokes. Couple of blokes.
>>and the man, noticing her, motioned for her to lay down
Zelda: A 7-year-old child? Sure, why not?
DED: Always room for one more at the ol’ Castle-Time Fun-Time Kid-Friendly Gangbang Hoedown!
Zelda: So Ganondorf is seriously just inviting everyone who happens to walk by to come and worship his cock? Talk about hubris.
>>on the grass in front of him. She did as shown
Link: I hear and obey, strange foreign man I’ve never seen before!
Rauru: Well, no, actually, she’d been having prophetic dreams about him, hadn’t she?
Zelda: Uh huh.
Link: Oh, so, I hear and obey, strange foreign man who I have foreseen to be the harbinger of the apocalypse!
>>and let the Gerudo part her legs with his hands,
Zelda: C’mon, I thought I was the one calling the shots.
Link: What are the Gerudo going to think when Ganondorf comes back from his mission to help their race reproduce and they find out he spent his time...having sex with Hyrulians? Their sworn enemies?
DED: Click here now for exotic Hyrulian babes! These ivory-skinned beauties are hungry for your dark desert cock, uh, Your Highness!
>>revealing her hairless slit.
Rauru: “Oh, no,” said Ganondorf. “You’re underage! I couldn’t POSSIBLY...”
>>He brought the attention of his hands to her,
Zelda: In addition to being a pedophile, this author apparently has a fetish for saying things in the most ASININE WAY POSSIBLE.
Link: “Oh yeah baby, bring to your hands the motivation to be with softness touching!”
>>feeling her legs, thighs, chest and the rest
DED: Legs, thighs, chest and the rest! Legs, thighs, chest and the rest! Legs, thighs...
Link: *beatboxing* Bomp, TSHH, bomp-bomp TSHH, bomp, TSHH, bomp---WIKKIT-WIKKIT-WIKKIT!
Rauru: Coincidentally, that’s exactly what I order every time I go to KFC.
>>of her body. Ganondorf then suddenly jerked as Link
DED: Castrated him? Yes? Please?
Link: Hey, man, I want this story to end as much as you do, but if I did that, the Gerudo race would go extinct. I may not be fond of the ol’ Dorfmeister, but I am not genocidal, here.
>>placed his mouth over his cockhead, lapping the precum that had leaked.
Zelda: Hmm, Ganondorf must have a faulty valve or something.
>>Ganondorf tried to turn his attention back to Zelda,
Rauru: But he just...couldn’t...quite...
DED: Well, maybe he grew a fucking CONSCIENCE.
>>burying his own face between her legs,
Link: He looks...*sniff*...so peaceful...
Zelda: Ashes to ashes, cunts to cunts.
>>licking all over the slit before inserting his tongue inside.
DED: Welcome to Redundant...
Link: Okay, shut up, please?
DED: Can’t I have a catchphrase?
>>As he did, Zelda’s head jerked back in a loud moan,
Zelda: Stupid moaning head!
DED: ...SHE gets a catchphrase, mumble grumble...
>>the feeling unlike any she had felt before.
Rauru: Can’t explain all the feelings that you’re making me feeeEEEEL!
>>She gripped the earth and grass tightly
Zelda: Oh no, someone turned off the gravity agaaaaaaaaaainnnnnn!
>>as the man slipped his tongue in and out of her,
Link: I can’t decide whether Ganondorf should have INCREDIBLE sexual expertise, or NO sexual expertise.
>>each time bringing lightning pleasure
DED: I dunno about you, but I think the pleasures of lightning are dubious at best.
>>down to her spine.
Zelda: You know, the main pleasure I associate with cunnilingus doesn’t really come from the spine.
>>Link was still oblivious
Rauru: This is perhaps the most accurate depiction of Link we’ve ever witnessed.
Link: ...wait, what is?
>>to Zelda’s arrival, having his full concentration on his mate’s cock.
DED: Ah, that’s quite telling...
Link: No! I’m just...single-minded!
Zelda: Single-minded for cock.
Link: Yes. NO! NO!
>>He bobbed his head up and down the length of it,
DED: Now lean back. Lean back.
>>sliding his tongue along the skin, tasting the dark meat offered to him.
Rauru: I prefer white meat, thanks.
Zelda: What about duck? That’s all dark meat.
Rauru: Stop confusing me with your mouth-words.
>>With his hands, the boy stroked the base of the cock and played with his balls.
Link: PLAY BALL!
>>He could feel Ganondorf get more tense
DED: Maybe he’s just now realizing exactly what he’s doing.
>>and pant louder.
DED: Yeah, pant louder why don’tcha.
>>With a final stroke,
Rauru: MY BRAIN! GEEAAAGGGHHHH!
Link: Are you making a pun based on the word “stroke,” or are you really having one?
DED: Does it matter?
Link: I guess not.
>>he finally came inside the boy’s mouth,
Link: And so, another load of sperm that could be ensuring the survival of his race goes straight down the toilet.
Rauru: Are you comparing your mouth to a toilet?
Link: Um, well, er...like, you know, one of those classy toilets. Like, the robot computer toilets from
Japan that, like, cure cancer or
some shit. Look, I don’t know.
>>sending waves of the sour liquid down his throat.
Zelda: Oh, man, it’s like that time we were at spring break in Daytona and I did that fucking contest on the beach...
DED: What, you sucked a bunch of dicks?
Zelda: No, asshole, I mean I shotgunned like four 40-ounce Heinek...uh...I mean...
DED: So you’re trying to counter my accusation that you are a slut by asserting that you were, in fact, too busy being a rampant alcoholic. Smooth.
Zelda: Shut up!
>>Unable to drink it all,
DED: It’s like they were actually there, huh?
Zelda: I said shut up, damn you!
Link: How come I’ve never heard anything about this?
Zelda: I told you I was going to be busy giving shoes to orphans that day. And night. And following morning.
Link: W...why did you lie to me?
Zelda: Because you are stupid, honeykitten!
Link: Oh. That’s what I thought.
>>Link released the cock,
Rauru: Sweet lady freedom! Let’s make out!
>>receiving the last two shots
DED: Well, I guess...
Zelda: Don’t you fucking say it, slapnuts!
DED: What? I was just going to make a joke about the rabies vaccine. You know, series of painful shots...
Zelda: Oh. Look, I’m sorry. This is sort of a sensitive thing for me, you know? Can we just move o...
DED: ...and also about how you’re a drunk!
Zelda: Oh that is IT! Link! Fat man! I command you to murder him!
Rauru: Can’t murder now! Eating! *
NOM NOM NOM*
Link: I’d love to, babe, but I’m too busy giving shoes to orphans...
>>on the cheek and the chin respectively.
Rauru: Huh? Respective to what?
>>His orgasm subsiding,
DED: Dude, that’s two references to the same movie parody in a decade-old episode of The Simpsons in, like, two minutes!
Link: Truly we are the kings of references!
>>the Gerudo could now return to his female mate.
Rauru: The term is “Sheila,” right?
>>He inserted a finger in her love hole,
DED: Does it seriously not occur to him that he’s boning the PREPUBESCENT DAUGHTER of the person with whom he’s trying to make a diplomatic arrangement?
Rauru: This is just the kind of thing that could provoke a thermonuclear war.
>>slowly as to not make her uncomfortable.
Zelda: You seriously could not make me more uncomfortable right now if you tried.
>>With the other hand, Ganondorf took Link’s little boy dick
DED: There is no balm in
>>in his hand and started to stroke it teasingly.
Link: Teasing hurts, Ganondorf!
>>Zelda felt quite uncomfortable
Zelda: Oh, GOD yes.
>> at first and for a moment was unsure if she really wanted to go through with this.
Rauru: Hmm...Should I let the most hated man in the world fingerbang me while a total stranger looks on? I don’t see why not...
>>But as her body adapted to the intruding finger,
Link: She’s made of liquid metal!
>>the discomfort gave way to pleasure.
Zelda: Oh, we can only hope.
DED: Sorry, but I don’t see how that’s going to be possible.
>>She felt it rubbing along her loins,
Rauru: C’mon, guys. “Loin” just means “torso.” Like, loin of lamb.
DED: And also, “Gird thy loins!”
Link: And, “You gotsta loin some t’ings!”
>>against her clit and it aroused her more then ever.
Zelda: Uh, well, it’s not like she’d ever been aroused before...
>>Her hips started to rock,
DED: Let’s rock! Everybody let’s rock!
Link: Everybody in the whole cell block---we’re dancin’ to the jailhouse rock!
>>trying to meet the finger,
Rauru: Finger, Zelda. Zelda, finger.
Zelda: “So, where are you from? Oh, the distal end of the hand? Fascinating!”
>>wanting it deeper and faster.
DED: You know who else wants it deeper and faster?
Zelda: I’ll humor you. Who?
DED: Bathysphere designers.
Rauru: What the hell is wrong with you?
>>She felt he
rself grow tense as her orgasm hit.
Link: You know, for a spontaneous three-way, everyone’s really tense.
Zelda: But is that really surprising?
DED: I mean, they ARE in the middle of a public place.
>>Ganondorf then removed his finger
Rauru: “Huh? What? I can’t hear you, I’m trying to use this chainsaw t---AAAAAAAHHH!”
>>to taste the juices directly.
Zelda: Uh huh. Yeah. My private parts are just like a fucking wet bar. Come on up and have a sip! Any time!
>>His licking and sucking brought deeper and louder moans
DED: You know who else likes it deeper and louder?
Zelda: Shut up, you goddamn id...
DED: Subwoofer manufacturers.
>>from the young girl who flowed with pussy juices.
Link: Every single story we read seems to obsess over girl’s secretions, and I STILL don’t understand the appeal.
>>Link was never forgotten
DED: LINK WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN!
Rauru: DEATH TO TYRANTS! LONG LIVE LINK!
>>and he too had started to rock
Link: ...all night, and party ev-uh-ree day!
DED: ...to tie a piece of string around! ‘Cuz everybody wants a rock to tie a piece of string around!
Zelda: Turn it down, you say! Well all I gotta say when you tell me not to play I say NO! No, no, no!
>>his hips to meet each of Ganondorf’s thrusts,
Rauru: I see your thrust, and raise you a prod.
>>wanting it harder.
DED: You know who else w...
Zelda: Why can’t you just shut up?
DED: Diamond apprai...
>>As Zelda’s orgasm passed,
Rauru: Dun, dun, da-dun, DUN, da DUN, da DUN, da DUNNNN...
>>she just laid on the grass, fully satisfied.
DED: Okay yeah cool that was disgusting. I guess we’re done then?
>>The lord of the Gerudo could now turn his full attention to the boy
>>who had pleasured him moments before. Moving into a more comfortable position,
Rauru: Away from this place. In therapy.
DED: Therapy? You mean prison, right?
>>he slipped the boycock into his mouth
Zelda: What a bunch of boycock.
>>and was surprised by the surge of cum that suddenly flowed from it.
DED: Seeing as how he’s, you know, LESS THAN TEN YEARS OLD, I’m definitely surprised too.
>>The new sensation offered by the lord’s mouth
Rauru: “...give us our daily noms, and forgive us our diets, as we forgive those who...”
>>had been enough to bring Link over the edge.
Link: Uh oh, I finally snapped.
Zelda: What do you have to snap about? Kittens have a more difficult existence than you do.
Link: Oh, how about the fangs of Lizfols tearing through my flesh? The wet, cracking sound of my shattering bones? The talons cutting...
Link: ...and the Skulltullas crawling, crawling over my skin, little fangs gouging out chunks of meat, those dead, soulless eyes, the skittering, the legs...
Zelda: Link, Link...it’s okay, Link, come back. Come back to me. Just hold me. Hold on.
Link: ...and the blood...oh god, the blood...
Zelda: Link, please! Oh, God, I...
Link: Yeah what? Huh? Oh, hi. Just having one of my flashbacks. I believe we were watching porn?
>>Moments later, both kids lay panting
Rauru: GOD! Just...GOD! FUCK!
Zelda: What is WRONG with some people?
DED: Truly, this is the “Manos” of our MST run.
>>on the grass, snuggling against Ganondorf
Link: Holy cats, that’s probably the most incongruous set of words in history!
Zelda: Ganondorf is what we call a bad influence.
>>who simply smiled,
DED: Heh heh heh heh heh...EH heh heh heh heh...AHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
>>blessing his luck to be with these two seraphs.
Rauru: Oh, yuck, on top of everything else, Ganondorf is a freakin’ pedophile? God!
Zelda: You’re JUST NOW figuring this out?
>>And they knew more was to come
Link: Da dum, TSHH!
>>as well since the task was not done.
DED: Man, this is complicated! No wonder no one ever gets pregnant.
>>A few moments later, princess Zelda got up.
Rauru: Get on up’ah!
>>Both males followed her with their lusty looks.
Zelda: Oh, those rapscallions, with their lusty looks and their shenanigans and their twenty-three skidoos...
>>“Let’s go inside. It’ll be easier,” she softly said.
DED: Easier? Easier than WHAT?
Zelda: Going inside will be easier than continuing this gangbang? Well, yeah, for the audience at least, it’ll be a hell of a lot easier.
>>They both nodded turn in turn as they got up as well,
Rauru: ...turn in turn?
>>the adult helping the child
DED: Helping a child off the ground IN ORDER TO RAPE HIM IN THE BUTT is not actually helpful.
Link: Help! I need somebody! Help! Not just anybody! Especially not Ganondorf!
>>before following the girl to her bedroom.
Rauru: “Good lord, I’ve never seen this many My Little Pony posters in the same place at the same time!”
Zelda: Nah, I was more of a Strawberry Shortcake kind of girl.
>>Zelda wasted no time.
DED: Ever! In anything! For any reason!
>>She sat on the edge of her bed,
Zelda: I live life on the edge.
Link: Uh huh. On the edge of a bed. Naked.
Zelda: No. And I’m also not SEVEN YEARS OLD.
Link: Eh...uh...oh, right. I...never mind. Forget I said anything.
>>legs spread and awaiting for her hero,
Link: Just a typical afternoon at Zelda’s place! HYOOOOOOO!
Zelda: Except I’m not SEVEN YEARS OLD.
Link: Oh, God, you’re right, I...I just wanted to try again, and...God, I’m so sorry...this...this story... *weeps*
Rauru: Come on, guys. We can do this.
DED: We survived gay Zora sex, we survived guard-on-boy manlove, we survived Malon being gangraped by Impa and two other men. Hell, we survived “A Knight In Shining Armor.” We can do this.
Link: But it’s just...they’re just children, for God’s sake...why...
>>the wielder of the triforce of courage,
Rauru: Come on, courage guy. Man up.
Link: O...okay…I can do this. I have saved the world more times than I can count. I have sat through some thirty-odd confusingly-worded sex romps, and this is just another brick in the wall.
>>to come and take her on the spot.
Zelda: Let’s get this over with! Right here! Right now!
>>Link needed no feat of courage to accomplish such a deed
DED: I dunno, man, seven-year-old boys are at the prime age category for contracting lethal cooties from girls. Touching one who’s naked? That takes balls.
Zelda: Which he doesn’t have, because he’s SEVEN YEARS O...
Link: NO! Stop. Just...look, let’s pretend, okay? Let’s pretend we’re all older. Here we are, nice, mature, 18-24 year-olds, having sex...with...the most...evil...person...in...historOH GOD, NO! NO! WHY? THERE IS NO HELL FOUL ENOUGH FOR THIS STORY!
DED: Calm down, calm down.
Link: I...I feel like a shattered glass. Existence is dead and gray to me. I dream of the grave.
>>since love was on his side.
Rauru: Look! See? Love! Love conquers all! Even the horrible, soul-curdling nausea that this story causes. We all love each other, and we’re going to get through this.
DED: Let’s just riff, okay? Riff like nothing is different, just keep it all together.
Zelda: We are strong. We are invincible. It’ll take more than this to break our spirits.
Link: *sniffle* Y...yeah?
Zelda: Of cou
buddy. Hang in there.
Link: I LOVE YOU! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!
>>Slowly, the false Kokiri
Link: What’s THAT supposed to mean? You say that to my fucking face, you bastard!
Rauru: That’s it. Good. Let the anger fill you up. Let it be a tether to reality in this howling storm of madness.
>>advanced to the desiring and very desirable girl.
DED: Oh, yeah, author, she’s desirable. IF YOU’RE A FUCKING PEDO. WHICH YOU ARE.
>>He took a leg in each arm
Zelda: Just another day on the job for a mafia bagman.
>>and started rubbing his growing erection against the lips of her pussy,
Link: Scratch-off to win!
>>teasing her with a smile.
Zelda: WHY DO YOU MOCK ME SO?
>>The princess tried to get it in her but Link made sure to keep it at bay.
DED: Not so fast!
Rauru: As surprised as I am to say it, in this story Link appears to be the only one who isn’t BAT-SHIT FUCKING INSANE.
>>Meanwhile, Ganondorf approached the boy again.
Link: No. No! GET AWAY!
>>He knelt behind Link,
>>spread his ass cheeks and jammed his tongue in the boy hole.
Link (shrieking): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! AHHHH! AHHHH! AHHH!
Zelda: Oh God, Link, no, hold on...just hold on to me.
Link (clutching Zelda, trembling): ...are you there? Are you the angel of death?
Zelda: No, Link. No. It’s Zelda. I...I love you...just hold on...*sobbing* Please, just hold on...
Link: So cold...so very cold...
>>Surprised by the new sensation,
DED: Well THAT’S the understatement of the century!
>>he jerked forwards, effectively penetrating the princess,
Rauru: Link used Thrust! It’s super-effective!
>>who managed to wrap her legs around his back
Link: Yeah, like it’s so hard...
Zelda: Well it’s not bloody easy!
>>and bring him closer to her.
DED: See, guys? There is a healthy, loving, heterosexual relationship going on here. Just ignore the lecherous old man, and you’ll see that these...two...naked eight-year-olds...are in l...no. DAMN IT! I thought I had...it’s just...it just fucks you no matter which way you turn!
Rauru: It’s like an onion of vileness, each layer more horrifying than the last!
>>She playfully licked Link’s cheek, tasting Ganondorf’s dried cum.
Zelda: God, that sentence was SO CLOSE to being nice and cute and happy!
Link: I wish I could just take a black Sharpie to this story and edit out like 65% of it. I wouldn’t ENJOY the remaining 45%, mind, but...
Zelda: Uh...there would be 35% remaining.
Link: Right, like I said. 45%.
Zelda: Never mind.
>>Zelda then looked deep inside her hero’s eyes,
DED: I’m afraid you have a detached retina. We have to operate immediately.
>>seductive. “Now you’re mine.”
Rauru: A tongue on the cheek is as good as a hot branding iron, I guess.
>>Link smiled and nodded.
Link: “Yeah, whatever.”
>>He leisurely started to pump in and out
Zelda: Uh huh, I like my lovemaking to be halfhearted and noncommittal.
>>of the princess, Ganondorf still giving him a rim job.
Link (crazy): HA HA! HA! YES! A rim job! HA HA! I know! Ganondorf’s just tricking out my rims with pimpin’ spinners! THAT’s what a rim job is! That’s what he’s doing! That’s ALL he’s doing! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
DED: Breathe, Link. Just keep breathing.
Link: Everything is good now! HA! HA! I’m in a happy place!
>>Satisfied with his work,
Rauru: He would be.
Zelda: He takes pride in his chosen profession.
>>the Gerudo inserted a finger into the boy’s glory hole.
>>He found it to be much looser then he expected, not knowing of the Kokiri’s sexual freedom.
Link: Wait, what the FUCK? Is this implying...
DED: Seriously? Like, the Kokiri have anal gangbangs all the time? God! Fuck!
Zelda: This could not BE more horrible!
Rauru: This story gets more and more reprehensible by the sentence!
>>He added a second finger to the first,
Link: His FINGERS have fingers now?
>>preparing Link to receive his own cock.
Link: Preparing me to receive my own...what? WHAT?
Zelda: God, it’s like when we’re not being sickened, we’re being confused!
Rauru: This story is the reason the phrase “what the fuck” was invented.
>>The hero’s pace into the princess slowed down,
>>trying to accommodate the size of what was penetrating his ass.
Link: *tying his belt around his neck* ...If I can just attach this to the emergency sprinklers, I can hang myself.
Zelda: Come now. None of that.
Link: Oh, I’m already dead. You just don’t know it.
Rauru: Don’t worry, Link. This, too, shall pass.
DED: Besides, I’m not going to have your smelly corpse stinking up the theater.
>>After a few moments,
Link: I won’t live in a world that produced this story. I won’t breathe the same air...
Zelda: Come on, buck up. Here, have some liquid courage. *hands Link a hip flask*
Link: Good call. Maybe if I drink enough I can erase this whole... *GLUG GLUG GLUG G...* *choke*
Link: PFFFFFFFFPFF! GAH! What the hell is this stuff?
Zelda: Hell if I know. It’s distilled from mangos harvested by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum, then purified with lightning. The guy told me it you can use it to clean aircraft engines.
Link: What the hell proof is it?
Zelda: Beats me. It already ate through three of my flasks.
Link: HOLY SHIT!
DED: Do we need to go to a hospital or something?
Zelda: Nah, he’ll be fine. Right, buddy?
Link: Whatever happens cannot possibly be wo
rse than continuing to read th...*KALKKTT* (cough of
Rauru: Uh, Link?
Link: *eyes pointing in opposite directions*
Zelda: Fuckin’ lightweight.
>>he was ready to receive the Gerudo’s gift.
DED: THAT IS NOT A FUCKING GIFT! THAT IS A CURSE! A CURSE UNTO THE HOUR OF DEATH, UNTIL THE END OF DAYS! IT WILL NEVER LEAVE MY SOUL!!!
>>The man grabbed the boy’s hips
Zelda: Uh, yeah, Link? Are you going to just lie there slumped in your seat, or are you going to mock this fanfic like the rest of us?
Zelda: You know, I think you’re actually on to something there. Let’s see...*checks flask*...O churl! Drunk all, and left no friendly drop to help me after? I will kiss thy lips; haply some poison doth yet hang on them...*kisses Link*
DED: Well, Juliet?
Zelda: Nope. Nada.
DED: I appreciate the ref’, though.
Zelda: Well, this SUCKS! Last time I share anything with HIM!
>>and slowly, he pushed his cock inside him,
DED: You know, I don’t even CARE whose cock is going where. It doesn’t even matter.
>>Link clenched his teeth as he felt the monster penetrating him,
Zelda: Is that referring to Ganondorf’s cock, or to Ganondorf himself?
Rauru: Honestly, I don’t see how it makes a difference.
>>rubbing against his bowels.
DED: HLORGGHH GHACK KAK KAK *cough cough cough*
Zelda: You all right?
DED: I think I kind of choked on my own vomit.
Rauru: Oh, is that all?
>>The sensation was unlike anything he could have experienced back in the forest,
DED: Again! What in the holy living fuck is this about?
Zelda: I mean, yeah, Mido was a dick, but did he really go around raping people?
>>truly larger then life.
Zelda: Truly? TRULY?!?
DED: Larger than LIFE ITSELF?
>>He was left a few moments to regain his composure
Link: ...amun khtai est rama un gamoong...
Link: ...jahad ek malachai... huh?
Link: Oh. Hi guys.
>>before he started pumping into Zelda again,
Rauru: Are you doing okay there?
Link: Oh, I’m fine now. Just glad to return to my body.
Link: My soul. It left.
DED: Where to?
Link: Oh, you know. The Dreamtime.
DED: Ah. How was it?
Link: Not so good. I had to fight Abbadon, Dark Muse of Nightmare, and his nine hundred ninety-nine Epoch Slayers.
Rauru: That sounds...exciting.
Link: Yeah. I prevented the apocalypse.
DED: And you did all that in, like, five minutes?
Link: Actually the battle lasted 14,000 years.
DED: Oh, so time was all, like...
Link: So how you guys doing?
Rauru: Eh, you know. Can’t complain. Still reading this horrible story.
DED: So, uh...
Link: Is there any more of that stuff?
Zelda: Nope. I checked.
>>thus giving Ganondorf the signal that he could start as well.
Rauru: Yep, all clear on this end, go right ahead!
>>Zelda was in heaven.
Zelda: No, no, no. This is falling from heaven into a lake of fire.
Link: I saw heaven, you know. Nice place.
DED: Okay, Mr. Special, we’re all very proud of you.
Rauru: Yeah, quit showing off just ‘cause you were an immortal messiah in another dimension.
>>This beautiful boy was making love to her
Zelda: The first two-thirds seem promising...
>>and this strong man was lending his strength to the boy,
Zelda: ...and yeah, then it just goes straight to hell.
DED: Hey, wait a minute...the whole idea is that this is the only way a woman can get pregnant...SO WHY IN THE NAME OF FUCK ARE THEY DOING IT TO A SEVEN-YEAR OLD GIRL?!?
>>making every push more surprising and pleasuring then the last.
Link: Well I declare!
Rauru: Oh, wow, he thrust in AGAIN! I never saw that coming!
>>She moaned loudly as the man
DED: Notice how she doesn’t even KNOW THEIR NAMES.
Zelda: I’m glad to see that I’m so discriminating when it comes to my gentleman callers.
>>thrust his hips and cock deep inside Link
DED: No way, your hips could NEVER fit inside Link!
Link: Well, THERE’S a mental image that will haunt me forever!
>>who in turn pushed into her.
Rauru: ‘Ey, watch where you’re goin’!
Zelda: Wutzit to ya?
>>‘Tight,’ was the only word the Gerudo could find to describe the sensation.
Link: So, what, is he narrating out loud or something?
>>The pressure was unbearable,
Zelda: “GAAAAAAAAH! TURN IT OFFFFF! AAAAAHHHH! AAAAH!!!”
>>even so soon after cumming a first time.
DED: I don’t see the connection.
>>He did not want the moment to be lost so soon,
Rauru: Time keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’, into the future!
>>but as he retracted himself from Link,
Zelda: Retracted? For reals?
>>the boy thrust it all in again,
DED: All in, we gonna win, check it out! Yeah, yo, c’mon, HERE WE GO AGAIN!
>>sending Ganondorf over the edge
Zelda: This is blasphemy! THIS IS MADNESS!
>>who shot his second load deep inside the Kokiri boy.
Link: That’s the third time now! I can’t imagine why he was unable to impregnate the Gerudo.
DED: Guess it’s sort of a quality over quantity thing.
>>It didn’t take anymore for Link
Rauru: THAT is IT!
>>who in turn came into Zelda,
Zelda: Thank you, come again!
>>weakly thrusting some more
DED: What is this crap?
>>to send his semen as deep as he could
Zelda: THANK YOU! YES, IN FACT, I _DID_ WANT TO BE PREGNANT AT AGE SEVEN!
>>and making her orgasm as well.
Link: Well, at least SOMEONE’s having fun.
>>And then, the light was shed and the path revealed.
DED: Uh...did this happen BECAUSE they had a gangbang, or did it just sort of happen?
Rauru: I still don’t see how what they just did is supposed to help the whole low-birthrate thing.
DED: Hey, you’re right! This didn’t solve anything at all!
>>Impa smiled sadly, having witnessed all through a secret window.
Link: For the love of FUCK, GOD!
Zelda: Words cannot EXPRESS how horrible she is!
>>Now, they knew where their destinies lay.
Rauru: Oh yeah, _they_ know what the score is.
>>The world would now have to suffer through seven years of darkness
Zelda: Oh, trust me, that’ll be no problem compared to the last hour or so we’ve spend here.
DED: When we die, we’re going to Heaven...’cause we’ve served our time in Hell. LCi3, ’08.
>>before the truth could finally be revealed.
Link: ...and the two kids can grow up and murder their former lover.
Zelda: Oh, good, that just adds another bucket of sheer horror to this whole diabolical pile.
Rauru: Wow. This story made lose my faith in humanity, the English language, consciousness, life, and existence. But not in food. Food is still good and pure.
Zelda: This story makes me want to shower. With thermite.
DED: This story made me want to throw up so hard that I’d throw up again at the mere sight of it.
Link: This story didn’t just scar me, it gut-shot me and left me for dead.
Rauru: This story should have been outlawed by the Geneva Convention, but they were too terrified to even speak its name.
Zelda: If Satan’s butthole had a butthole, it would look like this story.
DED: The existence of this story was number 1, number 4, and numbers 27 to 41 of Martin Luther’s 95 theses.
Link: This story went back in time and wrote itself, because no mortal being could ever hope to create such an unholy thing.
Rauru: In 1945, the Nazis tried to summon this story with an occult ritual, but it backfired and caused the Cold War instead.
Zelda: This story kicked a dog, and then raped it to death. And then kept raping the corpse.
DED: The audiobook version of this story consists of nothing but the sounds of gunshots, crying infants, and breaking glass.
Link: This story retroactively crippled Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Rauru: Heaven won’t let this story in, and even Hell has standards.
Zelda: This story is Osama Bin Laden in disguise.
DED: This story made me infertile with its terror-rays.
Link: This story’s tears cure cancer, but this story never cries.
DED: Uh, what?
Link: Oh, whoops, sorry. I kind of ran out of ideas.