In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space
We’ll send him crappy
fanfics ,
The worst we can find,
(la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and
read them all
And we’ll monitor his
mind
Now keep in mind he
can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his
sanity
With the help of his
character friends:
Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “Psycho
killer! Qu’est que c’est?”
Rauru! “Sweet dreams
are made of cheese, who am I to disagree?”
Zelda! “I’m my cherry
pie!”
Link! “It’s only
teenage wasteland!”
If you don’t get how
he stays alive
Or other
technicalities,
Just bear in mind that
I don’t care
So don’t bother
asking, please
On Random Silly
Theater 3000!
“Love comes in Three” by BahamutDragons
>>As it is
three Goddesses came down from the skies
DED: Shootin’ bullets of truth, to pierce all the lies!
>>Let not the
duality of man and woman perplex you
Link: Don’t let it all come back the next day to vex you!
>>For through
three has creation been brought
Zelda: All the battles we won, all the wars that we fought!
>>And through
three was a road drawn
Rauru: So let’s get it on, till our song breaks the dawn!
>>A triforce
created, given to the worthy
DED: Rollin’ with the crew, gotta get up pretty early!
>>Two to
caretakers, the remaining to a life giver
Link: Our rhymes are ice-cold, so let’s make ya shiver!
>>From power to
courage and courage to wisdom
Zelda: No rest in the next life, no mercy in this one!
>>Light shall
reveal the path of truth
Rauru: Don’t be hatin’ on the playas ‘cause their style be
uncouth! PEACE!
DED: And that’s REAL.
Link: Word to your mother.
>>***
Rauru: That was fun. We should freestyle more often.
DED: Word. Yo’ rhymes are hella tight.
>>Zelda stopped
reading out loud
Link: The dawn breaks like a shroud, if you’ proud, then say
it loud! I...
Zelda: No, no, honey. We’re done.
Link: But...I’m bringing the beats back to the streets!
Zelda: No, honey. Let’s shut up now.
Link (glumly): ...Oh-KAY…
>>and looked at
the back of her hand,
Rauru: Yeah, she knows her hand like the back of her...um...
>>the triforce
glowing intensely,
DED: ...Give me sight BEYOND sight!
>>proving that
she truly was one of the worthy of legend, the life giver.
Zelda: Life-giver? Whoa, hold on. Am I, like, Yahweh or
something?
DED: If you are, then that’s good. I know your true name,
and I can finally get that golem finished.
Rauru: Dave, seriously, references to Jewish folklore?
SERIOUSLY?
>>She then
turned to her mentor, the mysterious Impa
Link: Oh God.
Zelda: Impa...NEVER a good sign.
Rauru: This reeks of pedophilia already, and we’re only two
sentences in.
>>who had
secretly taken her to this hidden room,
Link: After stealthily waking her up and making her a clandestine
breakfast.
>>deep inside
the princess’ own castle.
DED: Ooooh. Is that a metaphor, or...?
Zelda: Let’s hope not.
Link: Sorry, but our princess is in this specific castle.
>>“That is what
ales the people of Hyrule,
Rauru: Mmm, rich Trappist.
>>the dark
secret behind every precious few birth.
Link: Whatty what?
>>It is the
secret Lord Ganondorf of the Gerudo, wielder of the triforce of Power, seeks.
DED: Wait, what secret? You mean that bizarre non-poem in
the beginning?
>>For the woman
of Gerudo are many and the man are one.
Rauru: YOU’RE THE MAN NOW, DOG!
>>Their
extinction seems inevitable.”
Zelda: You’d think so, wouldn’t you?
Link: I see no problems with that system. I’d be perfectly
happy inseminating an entire nation for a hundred years.
>>“I still do
not understand what all of this means,” Zelda replied,
DED: “So you’re saying you put the lime...in the
coconut...and drink them both...together?”
>>frustrated
and shaking her head towards the marble tablet containing the scriptures.
Zelda: Oh, that tablet! Always causing wacky hijinks!
>>At seven
years old,
All: ...
DED: Aw, HEEEEELL no.
Zelda: This is a flashback. It’s got to be a flashback.
Rauru: Or maybe the rest of the sentence is like, “At seven
years old, she was x, but now that she’s 21, she’s y.”
Link: Where X = “young” and Y = “hot.”
Zelda: Why thank you. But, you know, operative word being
“young.”
DED: I have a bad, bad feeling about this.
>>she had quite
a character
Rauru: His name is Jack Hardstab, an orthodontist on the
edge who doesn’t play by the rules! But when the same robot ninjas that killed
his mentor return to kidnap his daughter, he’s out for revenge...with nowhere
to run and nothing left to lose!
DED: I would seriously watch that movie like twelve times.
>>and if she
had to hide it during her duties as a princess, Zelda had no retention as a
scholar of Impa.
Link: ...what the fuck was THAT supposed to mean?
>>“Then I shall
tell you.
Rauru: “It’s like tomato soup, but cold.”
Zelda: That’s not the question she was asking.
Rauru: But it’s the question I’M asking.
>>And once you
learn, then your fate shall be sealed.”
DED: Well, thanks, Impa, that was creepy as fuck!
Link: You know, your fate is sort of sealed to be SOMETHING
no matter WHAT you do. So I guess she could say that all the time.
Zelda: Yeah, like, “Impa, could you hand me those tweezers?”
Link: “Yes, my child. But if I do...YOUR FATE IS SEALED.”
>>***
Elsewhere in the
castle, Lord Ganondorf could hardly contain his anger.
DED: I’m just SO MAD that I’m elsewhere in the castle!
Rauru: Well, there’s Ganondorf for ya.
>>There he was,
Link: Walkin’ down the streeeeet...
Zelda: Get the funniest looks from...
DED: Everyone we meeeeeeet!
>>in the royal
castle,
Rauru: ...get this...
>>pledging the
loyalty of his people to the royal family
Zelda: Yes...yesssssss...moohoowahahahahahahaha...
>>and his
personal quest was left unfulfilled.
Rauru: I swear by the gods, you will be mine, three large gorditas
with sour cream!
DED: Rauru, please, please stop bringing your insane life
into this.
>>He had no
illusions about where he stood in the eyes of the people gathered:
Link: You know, like...right there. On the carpet. Like, in
front of them.
>>distrusted by
all and not worthy of the redemption he sought for his people,
Zelda: Aww, it was just a little genocide...
Link: Like, not even. It was barely even a massacre.
>>asking for
their exile to be lifted.
Rauru: Y HELO THAR!! CAN HAS FREDUM KTHX?
>>Not that they
were wrong of course .
Link: Oh, well, DUH.
DED: Yes, they distrust him based on the just and accurate
perception that Ganondorf is, in fact, a colossal dick.
Zelda: Let’s have no more talk of colossal dicks, all right?
I’m trying to enjoy the lull before the storm.
>>After all,
his true goal was to find the reason the woman of his tribe would not
Rauru: Go out with him? Well, let’s start with his goatee...
>>bare
children, he who had been chosen to live when all other males were condemned to
die.
Link: Wait, they kill all the male babies? Fuck!
DED: That is a disturbing revelation...
Link: I just thought it was, like, an ancient curse , or some recessive gene or something! God DAMN
they roufless!
>>He
distractedly scratched the back of his hand
Zelda: Friggin’...mosquito bite...itches like a razzinfrazzin...
>>where the
proof of his greatness,
Rauru: BEHOLD MY HAND!
Link: You shall love it...and despair!
DED: Like David Duchovny in Zoolander.
>>the only
thing that could convince the king to accept him as one of his people,
Zelda: “Look, I got my hand stamped when I left, now, for the
love of God, LET ME RE-ENTER!”
>>lay shining
in the semi darkness; the triforce of Power, symbol of the chosen by the
Goddesses.
DED: Ooooh, semicolon goodness.
Link: And semi darkness.
>>None knew
from where this holy mark came,
Rauru: Well, like, from his hand, m’I right?
>>but for
Ganondorf, it had meant the difference between life and death many a time,
Link: “I swear to God, I’m going to blow your freakin’
brains out...unLESS you have a weird birthmark on your hand!”
>>including the
day of his birth.
Zelda: Ah yes, Gerudo birthday parties.
DED: Where they practice the traditional “culling of the
weak,”
>>The Gerudo were
proud to be only woman,
Rauru: Sometimes it’s hard t’ be a wuh-mon...
>>but they were
not fools either.
Link: Uh...prove it to me.
>>Once every
generation, out of all the boys sacrificed at first to the Goddesses,
DED: Right, not doing so good on the ol’ “not fools” front.
>>a boy was
kept to ensure procreation.
Zelda: I can see trying to live that way for, like, a week
or two, and then giving up, but...
DED: Do they really not see the potential for CATASTROPHIC
DISASTER?
>>At least, that
is how they had decided they would lead their lives.
Rauru: Having carefully weighed their options, they decided
to place the continuation of their race completely in the hands of one random
baby.
>>Ganondorf had
been the first boy chosen to survive,
Link: I can just imagine a bored Gerudo with two baskets and
a big pile of babies, going, “Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, save, kill,
kill...”
>>chosen
because of his triforce birthmark; only now
DED: Okay, one semicolon is classy, but two is pushing it.
Zelda: Consider yourse lf
warned, story.
>>no births had
come from it
Rauru: Well try harder!
Link: Ha ha! He’s the only man in the whole country and he
still can’t get a date.
>>and before
long, the woman would be unable to give birth.
DED: Well, if no births are coming, doesn’t it sort of
follow that people can’t give birth?
>>And if the
royal family was not inclined to help them,
Zelda: In the words of Desiderius Erasmus, “No chance,
douchebags!”
>>he would cut
his own path to the answer.
Link: All the workers at the fertility clinic dreaded
Ganondorf’s visits.
Rauru: “If no one tells me why I can’t impregnate my woman
in the next ten seconds, so help me I will DRENCH THE WALLS WITH BLOOD!”
>>And if the
answer existed not in the castle, then his people would be doomed.
DED: Well, at least his heart is in the right place.
Rauru: Behind his sternum?
DED: Yes, Rauru. That’s exactly what I meant.
>>***
Link left Lon Lon
Ranch a bit weary.
Zelda: Oh ho ho ho, I wonder why.
Link: Ahh, let’s drink deep from the bountiful well of
Malon-is-a-slut jokes.
>>Sleeping in
the stable had proven difficult with all of the ambient noise of the animals.
Rauru: Yeah, well, no freaking kidding!
Link: “Listen, have you inbred retards ever heard of
something called a guest bedroom?”
Zelda: Away in a manger, no crib for his bed...
>>He shook his
head, knowing that a few animal squeals would not bother a Kokiri
DED: Your squeals are POWERLESS to stop me!
>>to such an
extent. And even if he was not one of
them, he had still lived among them for a long time.
Rauru: Yes and how, many years, must one live in the woods,
before you can call him a Kokiri?
>>What truly
bothered him were all the questions he had about himself
Link: Doesn’t he have, like, an owner’s manual?
>>and his so
called purpose.
Zelda: Save the world? Like, what-EV-ARR.
>>If he was not
Kokiri, who was his real family? Did he
have brothers and sisters?
Link: Yes. Hundreds.
>>Why had he
been abandoned to the elven people?
Rauru: I dunno. Why don’t you ask your moth...oh.
>>Link turned
to face the farm one last time.
DED: No, Link. Walk away. Walk away and never look back.
>>He had felt
great sadness among them all, seemingly for the same reason: Malon’s mother’s
death even if it was some time ago.
Zelda: Is it me, or did that sentence make no grammatical sense whatsoever?
>>The boy had
been surprised to feel that
Link: Wait, feel what?
>>although he
hid it, even the girl’s uncle Ingo, under all of his bad attitude was affected
by her death.
Rauru: Wow, that whole paragraph was like one big aneurysm.
DED: Yeah, let’s just move on, shall we?
>>Turning back
towards the castle, Link continued his walk towards it at a slow pace.
Zelda: Dum dee dum dee doo, I’m in no hurry, I can wait to
get around to the whole SAVING OF THE ENTIRE WORLD...la dee da dee da, ooh look
a butterfly!
>>He still did
not understand everything that was happening to him,
Link: Tell me about it. I mean...toasters.
DED: Uh, yes?
Link: Friggin’ toasters. I just can’t fucking figure them
out. It’s like, you put bread in, push the lever down, and then in like three
minutes, fuckin’ TOAST pops up!
DED: Yep, it’s a mystery, all right.
Link: It’s like, why can’t we use that technology to turn
lead into gold or something?
Rauru: Or, like, a machine where you put milk in one end and
chocolate pudding comes out the other end. That would be mondo tubular.
>>his young
mind still lacking the maturity to process the complexity of it.
Link: Yep. And I like it that way.
Zelda: Huh. It occurs to me that it really doesn’t matter
what age Link is, he always acts the same way.
Rauru: The only difference being whether he wants to get
into anybody’s pants or not.
DED: Well, actually, if this story is any indication...
>>And when ever
he felt overwhelmed, he looked to the back of his hand
Rauru: Remember, down the road, not across the street!
>>where the
sacred triforce marking lay. Although he
did not understand
Zelda: This is certainly an emerging theme.
>>the
birthmark, it always gave him the courage he needed
DED: DINGDINGDINGDINGDING thematic closure!
>>to move
forward.
Link: Look ahead! Try to detect it! It’s not too late!
>>His goal was Hyrule Castle
Rauru: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!!!
>>where resided
the lord of the land.
DED: Daa, daa, da da daaa, da da DA, DA da DA, DA DA
DAAAA...
>>He still did
not know
Zelda: Mm-hmm.
>>what to
expect but had been told that the answers he sought would be found there.
DED: Note to young, impressionable readers: If a “jolly
king” tells you to “come to his castle” so he can “show you all the answers you
seek,” DO NOT go with him. He is not a real king.
Rauru: Also, what the HELL are you doing reading this in the
first place?
>>Link felt the
weight of the sword and shield on his back,
Zelda: And plus, he’d been hittin’ the Mallomars pretty
hard, so...
Link: Hey, it’s tough to stay in shape during the
off-season.
>>remembering
his battle within the old wise tree.
DED: Note to young, impressionable readers: If an “old wise
tree” asks you to “come inside him” for a “battle,” DO NOT listen. He is not a
real tree.
>>Somehow, he
felt that the fighting had just begun.
Link: And this time...it’s personal.
>>Again, he
looked to his birthmark for comfort.
Rauru: I wish I had a birthmark shaped like an adorable
kitten to help me through the hard times.
>>***
“You have learned of the way to give
birth not so long ago, the union of a man and a woman,” Impa told her student,
trying to hide a grin
DED: God damn it Impa, you suck fuck! What the hell is wrong
with you?
Rauru: And technically, the union of a man and a woman isn’t
how you give birth.
>>as the child
showed disgust at the memory.
Zelda: Oh, Christ, what did you DO to her?
Link: At this point, I’m going to go ahead and say that Impa
is the WORST HUMAN BEING in the ENTIRE UNIVERSE.
>>“But you have
been deceived. All of Hyrule is being
deceived.
DED: “The government is implanting chips in our
hypothalamuses!”
Zelda: “The cake is a lie!”
Link: “Soylent Green is made of people!”
Rauru: “Human beings are inhabited by thetans who are the
souls of billions of people who Xenu killed with hydrogen bombs 75 million
years ago!”
>>Today, you shall
learn the truth.”
DED: THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE
>>Zelda
remained silent, remembering her conversation with her dad about procreation.
Rauru: “Wakeupwdakng25: so den he puts his penis in u”
Zelda: “XxPrettyPrincessxX: lol wut”
Rauru: “Wakeupwdakng25: srsly”
Zelda: “XxPrettyPrincessxX: omfg nowai den wut”
>>“Hylian
children can not be born from the mating of a man and a woman.
DED: Well, yeah, technically, they’re born from uterine
contractions during labor, but...
>>They come
from the union of two men and a woman.
Link: Oh, come on, what the FUCK?
Rauru: Do I detect an attempt to shoehorn in an author’s pet
fetish? I THINK I DO!
>>The
misconception dates from long ago.
Zelda: “Back then, people realized that IT MAKES NO GODDAMN
DIFFERENCE who’s fucking who as long as it goes in the right hole, and they started
this silly rumor about eggs and sperm...”
>>Priests
believed that since only two genders were made to exist, man and woman must be
made to share their lives together.”
DED: Well, that makes sense, right?
Link: I mean, if what she’s saying is true, shouldn’t there
be two men for every woman?
>>She took her
head, unsure of how to proceed.
Zelda: “Oh, oh, I got it! Next I’ll tell her she can only
have sex on the vernal equinox! This is going to be PRICELESS!”
>>Explaining
the origins of babies was one thing,
DED: It certainly was.
Link: Maybe even two.
>>detailing the
history behind it
Rauru: Evolutionary biology IS a bit difficult to summarize.
DED: “Okay, so some reptiles started laying soft-shelled
eggs, and from there...”
>>and its
implications was quite another, even to the bearer of the triforce of Wisdom.
Link: So that’s why you’re so smart!
Zelda: All this and brains, too!
>>“Why… why did
daddy lie to me?”
Rauru: “I ONLY DID IT BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!”
Zelda: “Don’t listen to him. Just tell me what he did to
you.”
>>Zelda asked
in sorrow. For now, that was all that
she understood of the situation.
DED: And so begins her deep-seated, lifelong hatred of her
father. On his deathbed, he begged to see her one last time, and she turned
away.
>>“Because he
doesn’t understand the truth himself,
Link: He dumb as hell.
>>few people
actually do
Rauru: “Only by following the Eightfold Path of Siddhartha
Gautama, the Buddha, may your reach enlightenment.”
>>and it is a
small miracle that the people of our world still exist.
Zelda: Tell me about it man...nuclear war, holes in the
ozone, school shootings...it’s just...fuck it, man, fuck the world...
>>It’s a constant
battle of faith against instinct.
DED: What else is life, if not that?
>>Let me
explain.
Link: Heeere we go...
>>Everyone in
the world is born under a sign: power, wisdom,
Rauru: Or.
>>courage;
although
DED: Okay, semi-colon number three, and you are officially
overdoing it.
>>it can not be
displayed as yours, it is still there.
I, for example, am courage.
Rauru: I am the walrus. Goo goo g’joob.
Zelda: You’re telling us.
>>For a woman
to become pregnant, she must have sex with a man of the sign preceding hers.
DED: And so, “What’s your sign?” goes from corny pick-up
line to vital information instantly.
>>For instance,
the sign before courage is power.
Link: How come?
Zelda: Seems kinda arbitrary.
>>And then,
during this mating, a second man must also be involved,
Rauru: In what capacity? Like, coaching?
DED: Or, like, a fluffer?
>>bearing the
remaining sign.
Link: So, wait...a man and a woman can have sex as much as
they want, and she won’t get pregnant?
Zelda: And this is supposed to be a BAD thing?
>>Mating
together, the seed of the second man must pass to the first and the first to
the woman.
DED: Uh-huh...right.
Rauru: Well, THIS seems like a fair and logical extension of
Darwin ’s theory
of evolution!
>>Only then is
a child born.
Link: Like, right away, or...?
Zelda: That would sort of ruin the mood.
>>Most Hylians
do not know this truth, yet they still exercise it.
DED: If you...catch my drift.
>>It is in our
blood despite what anyone says.
Rauru: “All right, urge-for-man-on-man-on-woman-gangbangs,
come out of our blood RIGHT NOW!”
Link: “No!”
>>But since it
is all but frowned upon,
Zelda: Oh God, all but frowned upon? Why, you might even go
as far as to say it was...discouraged!
Rauru: GASP!
>>births still
remain very rare.
DED: This is kind of like Children of Men, if Children
of Men were an erotic fanfic set in Hyrule. And, like, really sucked.
>>Overtime, the
people have come to accept it as natural and moved on.”
Zelda: “Honey, do you ever wonder why the human race is
slowly but surely spiraling towards extinction?”
Link: “Oh, don’t worry your pretty little head about it,
honeykitten!”
>>Zelda was no
longer grossed out by the story.
Rauru: Now, she was ABSOLUTELY FUCKING TERRIFIED.
>>Now that the
tale had been told, she understood better, as if a shadow had been lifted from
her mind.
DED: Also, the drugs were finally wearing off.
>>“We should
tell everyone,” she decided.
Zelda: Let the proclamation ring forth from the highest
tower!
Link: “Hear ye, hear ye! ‘Tis of the most grave importance
that thou doth fornicate in triumvirate!”
>>“Hasty words
princess, for it is not so easy to change a people.
Rauru: Hold on, let me check...yep, that sentence was
FUCKING LUDICROUS.
>>They believe
that they committed a sinful act and will refuse to acknowledge the truth.”
Link: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
>>“Then what do
we do mistress Impa?”
Zelda: Oh God.
Rauru: “I’ll tell you what we do. They pull a knife, you
pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the
morgue. THAT’S the HYRULE way.”
>>Although Impa
was her friend, during teachings Zelda still had to refer to her as mistress.
DED: *profound shudder*
>>“The path of
truth must be lit and I believe you are one third of the key.
Zelda: “Am I the K?”
>>Beware
however, for before light will come great darkness.”
Link: I don’t even WANT to know.
DED: “Okay, put this on your head...”
>>***
‘It is time,’
Ganondorf acknowledged,
Rauru: Uh, okaaaaaaay...so back to this, then.
DED: Hang tight. I’m sure this is going somewhere.
Zelda: Problem is...I don’t think I want to go where it’s
going.
>>putting his
cape back on.
Rauru: What on earth was he doing that required him to take
off his cape?
>>He then
walked out of his room, ready for his final interview with the king.
Link: “Okay, okay, just act natural...shoulders square, big
smile, make eye contact but don’t stare...”
>>***
Elsewhere on the
castle’s premises,
DED: Meanwhile, back at the ranch...
>>Link finally
managed to find an entry that would make him avoid
Zelda: “Find an entry that would make him avoid?”
Rauru: Was this, like, translated from the original
Japanese?
>>the
guards. Waking a sleeping Talon,
Link: Never learned to let sleeping Talons lie...
>>Malon’s
father who had come for milk deliveries,
Zelda: “Wh...who are you?”
Link: “I have come...for MILK DELIVERIES.”
Rauru: Sent back in time from the future, to deliver the
milk!
DED: The Milkman...has made his final delivery.
>>the boy
entered the courtyard, knowing that stealth would now be his best asset.
Link: I thought my eyes were my best asset.
Rauru: Or maybe it’s, you know, that Triforce of yours.
>>***
The princess waited
by the window to the throne room.
Zelda: Wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the
door...who is it for?
>>Impa had told
her to wait there ‘for the times of change were upon them and today would be
the day it would all begin.’
DED: Wow, thanks Impa! My apprehension has comPLETELY melted
away!
Link: Do you think you could maybe be a little more vague?
>>Impa had
always been overdramatic.
Rauru: Not to mention underspecific.
>>However,
Zelda could not deny her excitement
DED: No self-control, this one.
>>at the sight
of a young boy clad in green advancing to her.
Zelda: “Holy crap! A young boy advancing to me! This is more
exciting than Christmas!”
>>***
The interview and
pledge had gone well…
DED: ...at FIRST...
>>if it had
been all Ganondorf was after.
Link: God, EVERYTHING in this story sounds like sketchy
innuendo!
>>He had made
his request to find a way to save his people from the unknown plague
Zelda: Well, c’mon, what do we look like, doctors?
>>and the king
had diplomatically answered
DED: “Choke on my testicles, fuckstick!”
>>that he would
take notice of is request and that it would be examined before a response was
given.
Rauru: Please submit your request in triplicate using form
WAC-14409 to the Department of Gerudo Relations, extension 3227, and wait 4 to
6 weeks for...
>>The lord of
the Gerudo knew politics and
understood the response: no.
Link: This sounds more like a question. You know, like, “The
lord of the Gerudo knew politics and
understood the response?: no.”
>>‘No more
politics nor diplomacy,’ Ganondorf
decided.
DED: No more pencils, no more boo-oooks, no more teacher’s
dirty looo-oooks!
Zelda: AMBASSADORSHIP’S, OUT, FOR, SUMMER!
>>‘Today, I
crush anyone who stands between me and the answer.’
Rauru: “YOU WILL CURE MY LOW SPERM COUNT OR I WILL CRUSH
YOUR SKULL LIKE A GRAPE!”
>>Furious, he
almost crashed into a woman
Link: “Fire the portside afterburners! Evasive action!”
Zelda: “There’s no time! Thrusters unresponsive!”
Link: “Full power to the forward shields! BRACE FOR IMPACT!”
>>who was
leaning against the stone wall.
Rauru: There she stands like a stone wall.
DED: What are you, a Civil War buff?
Rauru: Actually, yes.
DED: Oh, great, you’ve got basically every creepy fat person
trope covered...
Rauru: Wait, you mean the civil war between ketchup and
mustard, right?
Link: ...what in the good God are you talking about?
Rauru: Oh, it’s a fascinating piece of history, you know.
It’s...
Zelda: ...something we don’t need to hear about it.
>>Staggering,
DED: Wow, G-dorf is a total puss.
Link: “WhoooOOOaa! Wah! There’s a woman! Oooog...I need to
lie down...”
>>he lifted a
hand to slap the impertinent,
Zelda: Boooo!
DED: Warning: Ganondorf WILL slap a bitch.
>>but the woman
did not move nor show fear.
Rauru: Hooray for feminine empowerment!
Zelda: You know, Rauru, when you say that, it’s seriously
really creepy.
>>Quite the
opposite, she stood defiant of him.
Link: I think maybe Ganondorf is reading way, WAY too much
into this.
DED: Like, all that happened was he accidentally bumped into
her. A normal person would just say, “Oh, excuse me, I wasn’t watching where I
was going.”
>>Ganondorf
could feel a lot of willpower within her and felt attracted to her.
Rauru: Oh, God, don’t tell me we have a FOUR-way on our
hands.
Link: You know, for a guy whose responsibility is
impregnating an entire country, he’s pretty easily distracted by the local
girls.
>>“I know your
bane,” Impa told him
Zelda: “Tartar. It will be the end of you and everything you
love. Fortunately, there’s new Crest Tartar Control with Whitening, that...”
>>with vigor as
he brought his hand back down.
Link: Ganondorf, you best check yo’ self.
>>“And I can
show you,
Rauru: I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack
ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark
near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in
rain. Time to die.
>>the chosen
one by the triforce of power, the way to save your people.
Link: “Thank you, MacGuyver. You have saved our people.”
DED: “Don’t thank me. Thank the moon’s gravitational pull!”
>>I warn you
however: the path is a shocking one.”
Zelda: “I mean, literally, I hook you up to a car battery
and just shock the hell out of you for like half an hour. ‘kay?”
>>“Lord
Ganondorf fears naught and none,”
DED (singing): ...Bravely bold Lord Ganondorf, come forth
from Gerudo! He was not afraid to fuck, oh brave Lord Ganondorf! He was not at
all afraid to have sex with other men, brave, brave, brave, brave Lord
Ganondorf! He was not in the least bit scared to go down on little boys, or to
have his balls sucked on, and his cock fellated! To have his penis licked, by a
prepubescent girl, and his dong all wet and slimy, brave Lord Ganondorf! With
his semen licked up and his dick in a butt and his tongue in a cunt and his
junk in a trunk and his testicles groped and his wang sticking out and his pe...
Rauru (interrupting): THAT’s...enough singing, lads...
>>he replied
loudly, trying to overwhelm this woman but failing miserably.
Link: “I drive a Ferrari, you know.”
Zelda: “Uh huh.”
Link: “Four cylinders. Torque like you wouldn’t believe.”
Zelda: “Yeah. Sure.”
>>“Then all is
now sealed,” she simply replied.
Rauru: “So, uh...what’s that supposed to mean?”
Zelda: “Just...just wait a minute, okay?”
Rauru: “No, I mean, isn’t something supposed to happen?”
Zelda: “Look, shut up, okay? We’re supposed to have cut away
from this scene by now.”
>>***
Link appeared in
another part of the castle.
DED: HuhWHAAA?
Link: So was it like, “I’m going to sneak into the castle!”
“*TELEPORT*” “Wow! Here I am somewhere in the castle!” Buh?
>>It was
another open sky garden, this time overlooking a bedroom
Rauru: Hold on, WHAT?
Zelda: A garden...overlooking a bedroom? Is this some kind
of Escher painting?
Link: Are you sure it’s not supposed to be the other way
around?
>>with a heavy
wooden door leading to it.
DED: To which? What? WHAT IS GOING ON I DO NOT COMPREHEND
THIS WORDS!
>>He did not
understand why he had been brought here.
Link: You’re goddamn right I don’t!
>>“What are you
doing here?” he heard a voice say from the bedroom.
Rauru: AAAAAAAH! TALKING BEDROOM!
>>Zelda
appeared before him again by a window in the stone.
Zelda: This is like a goddamn David Copperfield act,
everyone appearing and disappearing...
>>“Should you
not be on your way with my blessing?”
Link: What in the FUCK are you talking about, woman?
>>“I was
brought here by Impa. I don’t understand
why.”
DED: And, incredibly, no one is surprised.
>>Already Zelda
understood better.
Zelda: NOW we’re talking sense.
>>At least if
Impa had chosen to send him here, then there was a purpose to all of this.
Rauru: Oh, there’s a purpose all right, but it’s not going
to be pretty.
>>“Come to my
room,” she said, her tone now softer.
Link: NOW we’re talking sense.
>>I don’t know
why you’re here, but I’m sure we’ll understand soon.”
DED: Well we knooooooow where we’re goin’, but we don’t
know, where we’ve been. And we knooooow what we’re knowin’, but we can’t say,
what we’ve seeee-eeen...
>>She opened
the door leading in.
Rauru: I hope that isn’t a metaphor, either.
>>As he walked
towards her, still in wonder from all the richness of the castle,
Zelda: All the richness are belong to me.
DED: Wait, was Link or Zelda in wonder from all the
richness?
Zelda: I mean, I’ve kind of gotten over it.
>>part of the
stone wall from the courtyard twisted, revealing a secret passageway
Link: Wait...that’s IT! It was Professor Plum, in the
Conservatory! But with what...with WHAT?
>>from which a
very disoriented Ganondorf appeared.
Rauru: That’s my favorite kind of Ganondorf!
>>Turning and
seeing the intruder, Link swiftly drew sword and shield.
Zelda: Well, drew his sword, and then spent about ten or
fifteen seconds strapping his shield to his arm.
>>In response,
Ganondorf started invoking a ball of energy.
DED: Invoke. Verb. To call or pray for.
Link: “Oh Lord, giveth unto me your humble servant yon ball
of darkness, that with it I may blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy...”
DED: Wow, that’s the second time in like two paragraphs.
Link: I know! We’re on fire!
>>“Stop!” Zelda yelled
Zelda: “Zeldatime!”
>>before
realising what she had said.
Rauru: “Oh, God, I hope I didn’t just blurt out something
like ‘stop’! I really want to see them kill each other!”
>>But her words
were unnecessary
DED: Yeah, shut up!
>>for the boy
had already lowered his weapon
Link: “Drop the gun! DROP THE FUCKING GUN!”
>>and the
Gerudo dissipated his attack.
DED: I really want to make some kind of comment on how
“dissipate” is totally the wrong word to use here, but really, trying to edit
this would be like putting parsley on dog poop.
>>For a moment,
they were all silent and still, feeling something deep and mystical in the air
but unsure of how to act.
Zelda: AWK-warrrrd.
Link: This happens to me at parties ALL the TIME.
>>Finally,
Zelda understood
Zelda: ExACTly!
>>as she looked
at each of their triforce signs shining as never before.
DED: You mean to say “like never before” or “as they never
had before.” You fail, next, please!
Rauru: Didn’t you JUST SAY how futile it is to try and edit
this?
DED: But damn it, I’ve GOT to TRY.
>>The princess
knew what was to come,
Link: Da-dum TSHHH!
>>but how to
explain to the two others…
Rauru: Okay, Link I can understand, but do you really think
she needs to explain sex to Ganondorf?
Zelda: Yes, actually.
Rauru: Oh. Good point.
>>Again,
history repeated itself
DED: Welcome to Redundant
City
>>as instinct
took over. Slowly, Link advanced
Link: Look, I TOTALLY have 4th grade covered this
year. You’ll see.
>>towards the
dark bronze tainted Gerudo,
Zelda: ...
DED: ...
Link: ...
Rauru: ...
Zelda: ...DOES THAT FUCKING SAY WHAT I THINK IT SAYS?!?
Link: DO. NOT. WANT.
>>his skin
gleaming in the sun.
Rauru: But...I thought that was literally “where the sun
don’t shine.”
DED: If there is a God, he will hurry up and strike me as
blind and deaf as Helen Keller.
>>He carelessly
threw his equipment aside,
Zelda: ...and it landed on fourteen different fuzzy
endangered animals and snapped their little spines.
DED: Then it bounced and hit an oil lantern, which fell over
and shattered next to a pile of dry hay, and...
>>understanding
that they would serve no purpose now.
Zelda: “NOW!”
Link: “What do you mean, ‘now?’”
Zelda: “Quick, stab him now, while he’s vulnerable!”
Link: “Wait, is THAT what we’re doing? I thought...”
>>Ganon simply
stood there,
Rauru: And lo, in this the moment of destiny, the three
chosen ones did standeth around like unto a bunch of big fat lumps...
Zelda: Look who’s talking...
Rauru: ...me, right? I mean, I think it’s me...
>>his heart
pounding in his chest,
Link: Ganondorf is going to shoot down the walls of
heartache, bang bang.
Rauru: Now if only he could shoot down arteriosclerosis…
>>waiting for
this moment which he did not know he craved for before.
DED: Must...rape...little boy...
>>Link reached
the tall man and the size different was now much more apparent,
Zelda: No, I assure you, the size difference has been
AGONIZINGLY apparent from the very beginning.
Link: The implications...oh, God, the implications...
>>the boy’s
head exactly at crotch level.
Rauru: *spit take*
DED: WELL THAT’S BLOODY CONVENIENT!
>>Unsure what
to do now, he started rubbing through the thick pants,
Link: Because, you know, that’s my default operation when I
don’t know what to do.
Zelda: That really doesn’t sound very unsure to me...
>>feeling
nothing at first
Link: I AM UNMOORED FROM REALITY FOREVER!
>>before a
bulge started forming.
Rauru: Eww.
>>The boy
caressed the outlines of it, fascinated by its size.
DED: Wow. Just...wow.
Zelda: Then again, Link is very easily fascinated.
Link: Zelda, did you ever think, like, seriously, about your
earlobes? I mean, really, really think. ‘Cause I do. All of a sudden I just
can’t fucking look away from them.
Zelda: Okay, now I’m going to upgrade that to “unsettling.”
>>Helping the
boy, Ganondorf unbuckled his pants,
Rauru: Okay, okay, no. You are absolutely not “helping” him.
This is pretty much the polar opposite of what help looks like.
>>letting them
drop to reveal his very large cock.
DED: Not just large…jumbo/LARGE.
Link: And yet, he still can’t repopulate his dumb society.
Zelda: Hmmmmmmmjealous?
Link: Hey, cram it, toots. You’re the one who comes crawling
back night after night.
Zelda: Oh, puh-leeze. Like I couldn’t...
DED: *interrupting* ...And now we’re JAMMIN’, jammin’ tunes,
jammin’ tunes, now we’re JAMMIN’, JUMBO-LARRRRRGE!
Zelda: Do you ever shut up?
>>Mesmerized,
Rauru: You are geeeeting sleeeeepy...veeeery
sleeeeeepy...loooook at the heeeepno-coooock...
DED: ALL HAIL THE HYPNO-COCK.
>>Link took it
into his hands,
Zelda: He’s taking this matter into his OWN hands!
Link: Bringing the metal back to where it belongs!
>>surprised at
the heat it emitted.
Rauru: “My God, this could power a small city for weeks!”
DED: Hey, it worked for the Sentinels.
>>Slowly, he
started to stroke it,
Zelda: Why oh why does he seem to know EXACTLY what he’s
doing?
>>making the
man moan.
Link: MOAN, dammit!
>>The position
was not comfortable however
DED: What, standing?
Rauru: Well, YEAH...
Link: Oh no, I think it goes way beyond the position. I
think this whole STORY is intensely uncomfortable.
>>so the Gerudo
took a few steps to the middle of the courtyard, taking Link with him
Zelda: “Okay, now, back up, but keep...yeah, like that,
b...no, wait, you’re going too f...dammit, I...OW!”
>>and
discarding his clothes to display his full nudity,
Link: Thanks, Ganondorf! I totally asked for that!
>>before laying
down in the light grass.
DED: Man, that’s going to itch like all hell.
Rauru: “FORE!”
Link: “Wait, wha? *KLONK*”
>>He placed his
hand inside the green tunic,
DED: So he just phased his hand through the cloth or what?
>>feeling the
boy’s smooth chest.
Zelda: Just look at this finish!
Link: Link: Your Sign for Quality.
>>With his
other hand, he rubbed the boy’s bare legs, reaching higher and higher
DED: Can you take, me, hiiii-uhhhh? DAWW DA DAWDEDY DAOW!
Zelda: Guh! Man, why do we have to do this in my castle?
This seems like it should be going in a public restroom or something!
>>until he
discovered what he was looking for.
Rauru: Oh, THERE it is! I’d been wondering!
>>Ganondorf
smiled: Kokiri boys did not wear any undergarments.
Link: Nope. Free ‘n easy, like Sunday morning!
DED: The more I find out about you, the more I wish I never
had.
>>Zelda was
still in her room, looking at the lewd scene unfolding before her.
Zelda: I just can’t figure this out. Who the hell has a
bedroom with a door that opens onto a fucking lawn?
Rauru: You, apparently.
>>She felt a
strange tingle in her stomach and suddenly,
DED: Wow, just...wow. There are SO many ways I could go with
that.
Zelda: Uh huh. How many of them involve flatulence?
DED: Exactly one.
Zelda: ...
DED: Or so.
>>the princess
of Hyrule wanted to be a part of this.
Link: What makes her think she’s wanted?
Rauru: Yeah, and what woman would look at a little boy
stroking off a grown man and think, “I gotta get me some of that!”
>>She quickly
shed her clothes and advanced to the males.
DED: Let’s pause here and remind ourse lves
that if Zelda were in school, she’d be in the SECOND FUCKING GRADE.
Zelda: Sweet Christ, Ganondorf, can’t you wait, like, a
decade or so?
Link: God, it’s like they simply don’t realize what they’re saying!
>>By now, Link
was also completely nude, having his clothes removed by Ganondorf.
DED: Back up a second. “Is completely nude,” but is “HAVING
his clothes removed.” So...we have some kind of chrono-disjunction going on
here.
Rauru: With any luck, we’ll be sucked into a wormhole that
will take us to the end of this story.
>>The man was
laying on the ground,
Zelda: Ganondorf is not a man. He is some kind of...God,
there’s no word!
>>delicately
stroking the kid’s thighs
All: GYAAAHHH!
Link: WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?
DED: Is there ANY conceivable reason this couldn’t be taking
place when the characters are fucking older?
Zelda: Can’t they be fucking, older?
>>as the boy
resumed the stroking of the cock.
Rauru: *snort*
DED: The Running of the Bulls?
Zelda: The Taming of the Shrew?
Link: The Armies of the Night?
>>Zelda
advanced to the couple
Rauru: ...of blokes. Couple of blokes.
>>and the man,
noticing her, motioned for her to lay down
Zelda: A 7-year-old child? Sure, why not?
DED: Always room for one more at the ol’ Castle-Time
Fun-Time Kid-Friendly Gangbang Hoedown!
Zelda: So Ganondorf is seriously just inviting everyone who
happens to walk by to come and worship his cock? Talk about hubris.
>>on the grass
in front of him. She did as shown
Link: I hear and obey, strange foreign man I’ve never seen
before!
Rauru: Well, no, actually, she’d been having prophetic
dreams about him, hadn’t she?
Zelda: Uh huh.
Link: Oh, so, I hear and obey, strange foreign man who I
have foreseen to be the harbinger of the apocalypse!
>>and let the
Gerudo part her legs with his hands,
Zelda: C’mon, I thought I was the one calling the shots.
Link: What are the Gerudo going to think when Ganondorf
comes back from his mission to help their race reproduce and they find out he
spent his time...having sex with Hyrulians? Their sworn enemies?
DED: Click here now for exotic Hyrulian babes! These
ivory-skinned beauties are hungry for your dark desert cock, uh, Your Highness!
>>revealing her
hairless slit.
Rauru: “Oh, no,” said Ganondorf. “You’re underage! I
couldn’t POSSIBLY...”
>>He brought
the attention of his hands to her,
Zelda: In addition to being a pedophile, this author
apparently has a fetish for saying things in the most ASININE WAY POSSIBLE.
Link: “Oh yeah baby, bring to your hands the motivation to
be with softness touching!”
>>feeling her
legs, thighs, chest and the rest
DED: Legs, thighs, chest and the rest! Legs, thighs, chest
and the rest! Legs, thighs...
Link: *beatboxing* Bomp, TSHH, bomp-bomp TSHH, bomp, TSHH,
bomp---WIKKIT-WIKKIT-WIKKIT!
Rauru: Coincidentally, that’s exactly what I order every
time I go to KFC.
>>of her
body. Ganondorf then suddenly jerked as
Link
DED: Castrated him? Yes? Please?
Link: Hey, man, I want this story to end as much as you do,
but if I did that, the Gerudo race would go extinct. I may not be fond of the
ol’ Dorfmeister, but I am not genocidal, here.
>>placed his
mouth over his cockhead, lapping the precum that had leaked.
Zelda: Hmm, Ganondorf must have a faulty valve or something.
>>Ganondorf
tried to turn his attention back to Zelda,
Rauru: But he just...couldn’t...quite...
DED: Well, maybe he grew a fucking CONSCIENCE.
>>burying his
own face between her legs,
Link: He looks...*sniff*...so peaceful...
Zelda: Ashes to ashes, cunts to cunts.
>>licking all
over the slit before inserting his tongue inside.
DED: Welcome to Redundant...
Link: Okay, shut up, please?
DED: Can’t I have a catchphrase?
>>As he did,
Zelda’s head jerked back in a loud moan,
Zelda: Stupid moaning head!
DED: ...SHE gets a catchphrase, mumble grumble...
>>the feeling
unlike any she had felt before.
Rauru: Can’t explain all the feelings that you’re making me
feeeEEEEL!
>>She gripped
the earth and grass tightly
Zelda: Oh no, someone turned off the gravity
agaaaaaaaaaainnnnnn!
>>as the man
slipped his tongue in and out of her,
Link: I can’t decide whether Ganondorf should have
INCREDIBLE sexual expertise, or NO sexual expertise.
>>each time
bringing lightning pleasure
DED: I dunno about you, but I think the pleasures of
lightning are dubious at best.
>>down to her
spine.
Zelda: You know, the main pleasure I associate with
cunnilingus doesn’t really come from the spine.
>>Link was
still oblivious
Rauru: This is perhaps the most accurate depiction of Link
we’ve ever witnessed.
Link: ...wait, what is?
>>to Zelda’s
arrival, having his full concentration on his mate’s cock.
DED: Ah, that’s quite telling...
Link: No! I’m just...single-minded!
Zelda: Single-minded for cock.
Link: Yes. NO! NO!
>>He bobbed his
head up and down the length of it,
DED: Now lean back. Lean back.
>>sliding his
tongue along the skin, tasting the dark meat offered to him.
Rauru: I prefer white meat, thanks.
Zelda: What about duck? That’s all dark meat.
Rauru: Stop confusing me with your mouth-words.
>>With his
hands, the boy stroked the base of the cock and played with his balls.
Link: PLAY BALL!
>>He could feel
Ganondorf get more tense
DED: Maybe he’s just now realizing exactly what he’s doing.
Zelda: Yipe!
>>and pant
louder.
DED: Yeah, pant louder why don’tcha.
>>With a final
stroke,
Rauru: MY BRAIN! GEEAAAGGGHHHH!
Link: Are you making a pun based on the word “stroke,” or
are you really having one?
DED: Does it matter?
Link: I guess not.
Rauru: ...grgl...
>>he finally
came inside the boy’s mouth,
Link: And so, another load of sperm that could be ensuring
the survival of his race goes straight down the toilet.
Rauru: Are you comparing your mouth to a toilet?
Link: Um, well, er...like, you know, one of those classy
toilets. Like, the robot computer toilets from Japan that, like, cure cancer or
some shit. Look, I don’t know.
>>sending waves
of the sour liquid down his throat.
Zelda: Oh, man, it’s like that time we were at spring break
in Daytona and I did that fucking contest on the beach...
DED: What, you sucked a bunch of dicks?
Zelda: No, asshole, I mean I shotgunned like four 40-ounce
Heinek...uh...I mean...
DED: So you’re trying to counter my accusation that you are
a slut by asserting that you were, in fact, too busy being a rampant alcoholic.
Smooth.
Zelda: Shut up!
>>Unable to
drink it all,
DED: It’s like they were actually there, huh?
Zelda: I said shut up, damn you!
Link: How come I’ve never heard anything about this?
Zelda: I told you I was going to be busy giving shoes to
orphans that day. And night. And following morning.
Link: W...why did you lie to me?
Zelda: Because you are stupid, honeykitten!
Link: Oh. That’s what I thought.
>>Link released
the cock,
Rauru: Sweet lady freedom! Let’s make out!
>>receiving the
last two shots
DED: Well, I guess...
Zelda: Don’t you fucking say it, slapnuts!
DED: What? I was just going to make a joke about the rabies
vaccine. You know, series of painful shots...
Zelda: Oh. Look, I’m sorry. This is sort of a sensitive
thing for me, you know? Can we just move o...
DED: ...and also about how you’re a drunk!
Zelda: Oh that is IT! Link! Fat man! I command you to murder
him!
Rauru: Can’t murder now! Eating! *OM
NOM NOM NOM*
Link: I’d love to, babe, but I’m too busy giving shoes to orphans...
Zelda: ARRGH!
>>on the cheek
and the chin respectively.
Rauru: Huh? Respective to what?
>>His orgasm
subsiding,
Link: Fading...fading...RISING!...fading...
DED: Dude, that’s two references to the same movie parody in
a decade-old episode of The Simpsons in, like, two minutes!
Link: Truly we are the kings of references!
>>the Gerudo
could now return to his female mate.
Rauru: The term is “Sheila,” right?
>>He inserted a
finger in her love hole,
DED: Does it seriously not occur to him that he’s boning the
PREPUBESCENT DAUGHTER of the person with whom he’s trying to make a diplomatic
arrangement?
Rauru: This is just the kind of thing that could provoke a
thermonuclear war.
>>slowly as to
not make her uncomfortable.
Zelda: You seriously could not make me more uncomfortable
right now if you tried.
>>With the
other hand, Ganondorf took Link’s little boy dick
Link: GAAAAAAAH!
Rauru: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
DED: There is no balm in Gilead !
>>in his hand
and started to stroke it teasingly.
Link: Teasing hurts, Ganondorf!
>>Zelda felt
quite uncomfortable
Zelda: Oh, GOD yes.
>> at first and
for a moment was unsure if she really wanted to go through with this.
Rauru: Hmm...Should I let the most hated man in the world
fingerbang me while a total stranger looks on? I don’t see why not...
>>But as her
body adapted to the intruding finger,
Link: She’s made of liquid metal!
>>the
discomfort gave way to pleasure.
Zelda: Oh, we can only hope.
DED: Sorry, but I don’t see how that’s going to be possible.
>>She felt it
rubbing along her loins,
Rauru: C’mon, guys. “Loin” just means “torso.” Like, loin of
lamb.
DED: And also, “Gird thy loins!”
Link: And, “You gotsta loin some t’ings!”
DED: Soitainly!
>>against her
clit and it aroused her more then ever.
Zelda: Uh, well, it’s not like she’d ever been aroused
before...
>>Her hips
started to rock,
DED: Let’s rock! Everybody let’s rock!
Link: Everybody in the whole cell block---we’re dancin’ to
the jailhouse rock!
>>trying to
meet the finger,
Rauru: Finger, Zelda. Zelda, finger.
Zelda: “So, where are you from? Oh, the distal end of the
hand? Fascinating!”
>>wanting it
deeper and faster.
DED: You know who else wants it deeper and faster?
Zelda: I’ll humor you. Who?
DED: Bathysphere designers.
Rauru: What the hell is wrong with you?
>>She felt herse lf grow tense as her orgasm hit.
Link: You know, for a spontaneous three-way, everyone’s
really tense.
Zelda: But is that really surprising?
DED: I mean, they ARE in the middle of a public place.
>>Ganondorf
then removed his finger
Rauru: “Huh? What? I can’t hear you, I’m trying to use this
chainsaw t---AAAAAAAHHH!”
>>to taste the
juices directly.
Zelda: Uh huh. Yeah. My private parts are just like a
fucking wet bar. Come on up and have a sip! Any time!
>>His licking
and sucking brought deeper and louder moans
DED: You know who else likes it deeper and louder?
Zelda: Shut up, you goddamn id...
DED: Subwoofer manufacturers.
>>from the
young girl who flowed with pussy juices.
Link: Every single story we read seems to obsess over girl’s
secretions, and I STILL don’t understand the appeal.
>>Link was
never forgotten
DED: LINK WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN!
Rauru: DEATH TO TYRANTS! LONG LIVE LINK!
>>and he too
had started to rock
Link: ...all night, and party ev-uh-ree day!
DED: ...to tie a piece of string around! ‘Cuz everybody
wants a rock to tie a piece of string around!
Zelda: Turn it down, you say! Well all I gotta say when you
tell me not to play I say NO! No, no, no!
>>his hips to
meet each of Ganondorf’s thrusts,
Rauru: I see your thrust, and raise you a prod.
>>wanting it
harder.
DED: You know who else w...
Zelda: Why can’t you just shut up?
DED: Diamond apprai...
Zelda: GOD!
>>As Zelda’s
orgasm passed,
Rauru: Dun, dun, da-dun, DUN, da DUN, da DUN, da DUNNNN...
>>she just laid
on the grass, fully satisfied.
DED: Okay yeah cool that was disgusting. I guess we’re done
then?
>>The lord of
the Gerudo could now turn his full attention to the boy
Link: No...noooo...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
>>who had
pleasured him moments before. Moving
into a more comfortable position,
Rauru: Away from this place. In therapy.
DED: Therapy? You mean prison, right?
>>he slipped
the boycock into his mouth
Zelda: What a bunch of boycock.
>>and was
surprised by the surge of cum that suddenly flowed from it.
DED: Seeing as how he’s, you know, LESS THAN TEN YEARS OLD,
I’m definitely surprised too.
>>The new
sensation offered by the lord’s mouth
Rauru: “...give us our daily noms, and forgive us our diets,
as we forgive those who...”
>>had been
enough to bring Link over the edge.
Link: Uh oh, I finally snapped.
Zelda: What do you have to snap about? Kittens have a more difficult existence than
you do.
Link: Oh, how about the fangs of Lizfols tearing through my
flesh? The wet, cracking sound of my shattering bones? The talons cutting...
Zelda: Link...
Link: ...and the Skulltullas crawling, crawling over my
skin, little fangs gouging out chunks of meat, those dead, soulless eyes, the
skittering, the legs...
Zelda: Link, Link...it’s okay, Link, come back. Come back to
me. Just hold me. Hold on.
Link: ...and the blood...oh god, the blood...
Zelda: Link, please! Oh, God, I...
Link: Yeah what? Huh? Oh, hi. Just having one of my
flashbacks. I believe we were watching porn?
>>Moments
later, both kids lay panting
Rauru: GOD! Just...GOD! FUCK!
Zelda: What is WRONG with some people?
DED: Truly, this is the “Manos” of our MST run.
>>on the grass,
snuggling against Ganondorf
Link: Holy cats, that’s probably the most incongruous set of
words in history!
Zelda: Ganondorf is what we call a bad influence.
>>who simply
smiled,
DED: Heh heh heh heh heh...EH heh heh heh
heh...AHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
>>blessing his
luck to be with these two seraphs.
Rauru: Oh, yuck, on top of everything else, Ganondorf is a
freakin’ pedophile? God!
Zelda: You’re JUST NOW figuring this out?
>>And they knew
more was to come
Link: Da dum, TSHH!
>>as well since
the task was not done.
DED: Man, this is complicated! No wonder no one ever gets
pregnant.
>>A few moments
later, princess Zelda got up.
Rauru: Get on up’ah!
>>Both males
followed her with their lusty looks.
Zelda: Oh, those rapscallions, with their lusty looks and
their shenanigans and their twenty-three skidoos...
>>“Let’s go
inside. It’ll be easier,” she softly
said.
Link: Wa-HUH?
DED: Easier? Easier than WHAT?
Zelda: Going inside will be easier than continuing this
gangbang? Well, yeah, for the audience at least, it’ll be a hell of a lot
easier.
>>They both
nodded turn in turn as they got up as well,
Rauru: ...turn in turn?
>>the adult
helping the child
DED: Helping a child off the ground IN ORDER TO RAPE HIM IN
THE BUTT is not actually helpful.
Link: Help! I need somebody! Help! Not just anybody!
Especially not Ganondorf!
>>before
following the girl to her bedroom.
Rauru: “Good lord, I’ve never seen this many My Little Pony
posters in the same place at the same time!”
Zelda: Nah, I was more of a Strawberry Shortcake kind of
girl.
>>Zelda wasted
no time.
DED: Ever! In anything! For any reason!
>>She sat on
the edge of her bed,
Zelda: I live life on the edge.
Link: Uh huh. On the edge of a bed. Naked.
Zelda: No. And I’m also not SEVEN YEARS OLD.
Link: Eh...uh...oh, right. I...never mind. Forget I said
anything.
>>legs spread
and awaiting for her hero,
Link: Just a typical afternoon at Zelda’s place! HYOOOOOOO!
Zelda: Except I’m not SEVEN YEARS OLD.
Link: Oh, God, you’re right, I...I just wanted to try again,
and...God, I’m so sorry...this...this story... *weeps*
Rauru: Come on, guys. We can do this.
DED: We survived gay Zora sex, we survived guard-on-boy
manlove, we survived Malon being gangraped by Impa and two other men. Hell, we
survived “A Knight In Shining Armor.” We can do this.
Link: But it’s just...they’re just children, for God’s
sake...why...
>>the wielder
of the triforce of courage,
Rauru: Come on, courage guy. Man up.
Link: O...okay…I can do this. I have saved the world more
times than I can count. I have sat through some thirty-odd confusingly-worded
sex romps, and this is just another brick in the wall.
>>to come and
take her on the spot.
Zelda: Let’s get this over with! Right here! Right now!
>>Link needed
no feat of courage to accomplish such a deed
DED: I dunno, man, seven-year-old boys are at the prime age
category for contracting lethal cooties from girls. Touching one who’s naked?
That takes balls.
Zelda: Which he doesn’t have, because he’s SEVEN YEARS O...
Link: NO! Stop. Just...look, let’s pretend, okay? Let’s pretend
we’re all older. Here we are, nice, mature, 18-24 year-olds, having
sex...with...the most...evil...person...in...historOH GOD, NO! NO! WHY? THERE
IS NO HELL FOUL ENOUGH FOR THIS STORY!
DED: Calm down, calm down.
Link: I...I feel like a shattered glass. Existence is dead
and gray to me. I dream of the grave.
>>since love
was on his side.
Rauru: Look! See? Love! Love conquers all! Even the
horrible, soul-curdling nausea that this story causes. We all love each other,
and we’re going to get through this.
DED: Let’s just riff, okay? Riff like nothing is different,
just keep it all together.
Zelda: We are strong. We are invincible. It’ll take more
than this to break our spirits.
Link: *sniffle* Y...yeah?
Zelda: Of course ,
buddy. Hang in there.
Link: I LOVE YOU! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!
>>Slowly, the
false Kokiri
Link: What’s THAT supposed to mean? You say that to my
fucking face, you bastard!
Rauru: That’s it. Good. Let the anger fill you up. Let it be
a tether to reality in this howling storm of madness.
>>advanced to
the desiring and very desirable girl.
DED: Oh, yeah, author, she’s desirable. IF YOU’RE A FUCKING
PEDO. WHICH YOU ARE.
>>He took a leg
in each arm
Zelda: Just another day on the job for a mafia bagman.
>>and started
rubbing his growing erection against the lips of her pussy,
Link: Scratch-off to win!
>>teasing her
with a smile.
Zelda: WHY DO YOU MOCK ME SO?
>>The princess
tried to get it in her but Link made sure to keep it at bay.
DED: Not so fast!
Rauru: As surprised as I am to say it, in this story Link
appears to be the only one who isn’t BAT-SHIT FUCKING INSANE.
>>Meanwhile,
Ganondorf approached the boy again.
Link: No. No! GET AWAY!
>>He knelt
behind Link,
Link: Stop...please...
>>spread his
ass cheeks and jammed his tongue in the boy hole.
Link (shrieking): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! AHHHH! AHHHH! AHHH!
Zelda: Oh God, Link, no, hold on...just hold on to me.
Link (clutching Zelda, trembling): ...are you there? Are you
the angel of death?
Zelda: No, Link. No. It’s Zelda. I...I love you...just hold
on...*sobbing* Please, just hold on...
Link: So cold...so very cold...
>>Surprised by
the new sensation,
DED: Well THAT’S the understatement of the century!
>>he jerked
forwards, effectively penetrating the princess,
Rauru: Link used Thrust! It’s super-effective!
>>who managed
to wrap her legs around his back
Link: Yeah, like it’s so hard...
Zelda: Well it’s not bloody easy!
>>and bring him
closer to her.
DED: See, guys? There is a healthy, loving, heterosexual
relationship going on here. Just ignore the lecherous old man, and you’ll see
that these...two...naked eight-year-olds...are in l...no. DAMN IT! I thought I
had...it’s just...it just fucks you no matter which way you turn!
Rauru: It’s like an onion of vileness, each layer more
horrifying than the last!
>>She playfully
licked Link’s cheek, tasting Ganondorf’s dried cum.
Zelda: God, that sentence was SO CLOSE to being nice and
cute and happy!
Link: I wish I could just take a black Sharpie to this story
and edit out like 65% of it. I wouldn’t ENJOY the remaining 45%, mind, but...
Zelda: Uh...there would be 35% remaining.
Link: Right, like I said. 45%.
Zelda: Never mind.
>>Zelda then
looked deep inside her hero’s eyes,
DED: I’m afraid you have a detached retina. We have to
operate immediately.
>>seductive. “Now you’re mine.”
Rauru: A tongue on the cheek is as good as a hot branding
iron, I guess.
>>Link smiled
and nodded.
Link: “Yeah, whatever.”
>>He leisurely
started to pump in and out
Zelda: Uh huh, I like my lovemaking to be halfhearted and
noncommittal.
>>of the
princess, Ganondorf still giving him a rim job.
Link (crazy): HA HA! HA! YES! A rim job! HA HA! I know!
Ganondorf’s just tricking out my rims with pimpin’ spinners! THAT’s what a rim
job is! That’s what he’s doing! That’s ALL he’s doing! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
DED: Breathe, Link. Just keep breathing.
Link: Everything is good now! HA! HA! I’m in a happy place!
>>Satisfied
with his work,
Rauru: He would be.
Zelda: He takes pride in his chosen profession.
>>the Gerudo
inserted a finger into the boy’s glory hole.
DED: Uh...right.
>>He found it
to be much looser then he expected, not knowing of the Kokiri’s sexual
freedom.
Link: Wait, what the FUCK? Is this implying...
DED: Seriously? Like, the Kokiri have anal gangbangs all the
time? God! Fuck!
Zelda: This could not BE more horrible!
Rauru: This story gets more and more reprehensible by the
sentence!
>>He added a
second finger to the first,
Link: His FINGERS have fingers now?
>>preparing
Link to receive his own cock.
DED: WuhHUHHHHHHH???
Link: Preparing me to receive my own...what? WHAT?
Zelda: God, it’s like when we’re not being sickened, we’re
being confused!
Rauru: This story is the reason the phrase “what the fuck”
was invented.
>>The hero’s
pace into the princess slowed down,
DED: DSHHEEEOOOOoooooooooooozzzz...
>>trying to
accommodate the size of what was penetrating his ass.
Link: *tying his belt around his neck* ...If I can just
attach this to the emergency sprinklers, I can hang myself.
Zelda: Come now. None of that.
Link: Oh, I’m already dead. You just don’t know it.
Rauru: Don’t worry, Link. This, too, shall pass.
DED: Besides, I’m not going to have your smelly corpse
stinking up the theater.
>>After a few
moments,
Link: I won’t live in a world that produced this story. I
won’t breathe the same air...
Zelda: Come on, buck up. Here, have some liquid courage.
*hands Link a hip flask*
Link: Good call. Maybe if I drink enough I can erase this
whole... *GLUG GLUG GLUG G...* *choke*
Zelda: What?
Link: PFFFFFFFFPFF! GAH! What the hell is this stuff?
Zelda: Hell if I know. It’s distilled from mangos harvested
by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum, then purified with lightning. The
guy told me it you can use it to clean aircraft engines.
Link: What the hell proof is it?
Zelda: Beats me. It already ate through three of my flasks.
Link: HOLY SHIT!
DED: Do we need to go to a hospital or something?
Zelda: Nah, he’ll be fine. Right, buddy?
Link: Whatever happens cannot possibly be worse than continuing to read th...*KALKKTT* (cough of
blood)
Rauru: Uh, Link?
Link: *eyes pointing in opposite directions*
Zelda: Fuckin’ lightweight.
>>he was ready
to receive the Gerudo’s gift.
DED: THAT IS NOT A FUCKING GIFT! THAT IS A CURSE! A CURSE
UNTO THE HOUR OF DEATH, UNTIL THE END OF DAYS! IT WILL NEVER LEAVE MY SOUL!!!
>>The man
grabbed the boy’s hips
Zelda: Uh, yeah, Link? Are you going to just lie there
slumped in your seat, or are you going to mock this fanfic like the rest of us?
Link: *drools*
Zelda: You know, I think you’re actually on to something
there. Let’s see...*checks flask*...O churl! Drunk all, and left no friendly
drop to help me after? I will kiss thy lips; haply some poison doth yet hang on
them...*kisses Link*
DED: Well, Juliet?
Zelda: Nope. Nada.
DED: I appreciate the ref’, though.
Zelda: Well, this SUCKS! Last time I share anything with
HIM!
>>and slowly,
he pushed his cock inside him,
Rauru: *sigh*
DED: You know, I don’t even CARE whose cock is going where.
It doesn’t even matter.
>>Link clenched
his teeth as he felt the monster penetrating him,
Zelda: Is that referring to Ganondorf’s cock, or to
Ganondorf himself?
Rauru: Honestly, I don’t see how it makes a difference.
>>rubbing
against his bowels.
DED: HLORGGHH GHACK KAK KAK *cough cough cough*
Zelda: You all right?
DED: I think I kind of choked on my own vomit.
Rauru: Oh, is that all?
>>The sensation
was unlike anything he could have experienced back in the forest,
DED: Again! What in the holy living fuck is this about?
Zelda: I mean, yeah, Mido was a dick, but did he really go
around raping people?
>>truly larger
then life.
Zelda: Truly? TRULY?!?
DED: Larger than LIFE ITSELF?
>>He was left a
few moments to regain his composure
Link: ...amun khtai est rama un gamoong...
Rauru: Uh...what?
Link: ...jahad ek malachai... huh?
Zelda: Link?
Link: Oh. Hi guys.
>>before he
started pumping into Zelda again,
Rauru: Are you doing okay there?
Link: Oh, I’m fine now. Just glad to return to my body.
Zelda: Y...huh?
Link: My soul. It left.
DED: Where to?
Link: Oh, you know. The Dreamtime.
DED: Ah. How was it?
Link: Not so good. I had to fight Abbadon, Dark Muse of
Nightmare, and his nine hundred ninety-nine Epoch Slayers.
Rauru: That sounds...exciting.
Link: Yeah. I prevented the apocalypse.
DED: And you did all that in, like, five minutes?
Link: Actually the battle lasted 14,000 years.
DED: Oh, so time was all, like...
Link: Yeah.
Zelda: Oh.
Link: So how you guys doing?
Rauru: Eh, you know. Can’t complain. Still reading this
horrible story.
Link: Really?
Zelda: Yeah.
Link: …
DED: So, uh...
Link: Is there any more of that stuff?
Zelda: Nope. I checked.
>>thus giving
Ganondorf the signal that he could start as well.
Rauru: Yep, all clear on this end, go right ahead!
>>Zelda was in
heaven.
Zelda: No, no, no. This is falling from heaven into a lake
of fire.
Link: I saw heaven, you know. Nice place.
DED: Okay, Mr. Special, we’re all very proud of you.
Rauru: Yeah, quit showing off just ‘cause you were an
immortal messiah in another dimension.
Link: Okay...
>>This
beautiful boy was making love to her
Zelda: The first two-thirds seem promising...
>>and this
strong man was lending his strength to the boy,
Zelda: ...and yeah, then it just goes straight to hell.
DED: Hey, wait a minute...the whole idea is that this is the
only way a woman can get pregnant...SO WHY IN THE NAME OF FUCK ARE THEY DOING
IT TO A SEVEN-YEAR OLD GIRL?!?
>>making every
push more surprising and pleasuring then the last.
Link: Well I declare!
Rauru: Oh, wow, he thrust in AGAIN! I never saw that coming!
>>She moaned
loudly as the man
DED: Notice how she doesn’t even KNOW THEIR NAMES.
Zelda: I’m glad to see that I’m so discriminating when it
comes to my gentleman callers.
>>thrust his
hips and cock deep inside Link
DED: No way, your hips could NEVER fit inside Link!
Link: Well, THERE’S a mental image that will haunt me
forever!
>>who in turn
pushed into her.
Rauru: ‘Ey, watch where you’re goin’!
Zelda: Wutzit to ya?
>>‘Tight,’ was
the only word the Gerudo could find to describe the sensation.
Link: So, what, is he narrating out loud or something?
>>The pressure
was unbearable,
Zelda: “GAAAAAAAAH! TURN IT OFFFFF! AAAAAHHHH! AAAAH!!!”
>>even so soon
after cumming a first time.
DED: I don’t see the connection.
>>He did not
want the moment to be lost so soon,
Rauru: Time keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’, into the
future!
>>but as he
retracted himself from Link,
Zelda: Retracted? For reals?
Link: YOU...MAKE...NO...SENSE!
>>the boy
thrust it all in again,
DED: All in, we gonna win, check it out! Yeah, yo, c’mon,
HERE WE GO AGAIN!
>>sending
Ganondorf over the edge
Zelda: This is blasphemy! THIS IS MADNESS!
>>who shot his
second load deep inside the Kokiri boy.
Link: That’s the third time now! I can’t imagine why he was
unable to impregnate the Gerudo.
DED: Guess it’s sort of a quality over quantity thing.
>>It didn’t
take anymore for Link
Rauru: THAT is IT!
>>who in turn
came into Zelda,
Zelda: Thank you, come again!
>>weakly
thrusting some more
Link: Meh.
DED: What is this crap?
>>to send his
semen as deep as he could
Zelda: THANK YOU! YES, IN FACT, I _DID_ WANT TO BE PREGNANT
AT AGE SEVEN!
>>and making
her orgasm as well.
Link: Well, at least SOMEONE’s having fun.
>>And then, the
light was shed and the path revealed.
DED: Uh...did this happen BECAUSE they had a gangbang, or
did it just sort of happen?
Rauru: I still don’t see how what they just did is supposed
to help the whole low-birthrate thing.
DED: Hey, you’re right! This didn’t solve anything at all!
>>Impa smiled
sadly, having witnessed all through a secret window.
All: GAAH!!
Link: For the love of FUCK, GOD!
Zelda: Words cannot EXPRESS how horrible she is!
>>Now, they
knew where their destinies lay.
Rauru: Oh yeah, _they_ know what the score is.
>>The world
would now have to suffer through seven years of darkness
Zelda: Oh, trust me, that’ll be no problem compared to the
last hour or so we’ve spend here.
DED: When we die, we’re going to Heaven...’cause we’ve
served our time in Hell. LCi3, ’08.
>>before the truth
could finally be revealed.
Link: ...and the two kids can grow up and murder their
former lover.
Zelda: Oh, good, that just adds another bucket of sheer
horror to this whole diabolical pile.
Rauru: Wow. This story made lose my faith in humanity, the
English language, consciousness, life, and existence. But not in food. Food is
still good and pure.
Zelda: This story makes me want to shower. With thermite.
DED: This story made me want to throw up so hard that I’d
throw up again at the mere sight of it.
Link: This story didn’t just scar me, it gut-shot me and
left me for dead.
Rauru: This story should have been outlawed by the Geneva
Convention, but they were too terrified to even speak its name.
Zelda: If Satan’s butthole had a butthole, it would look
like this story.
DED: The existence of this story was number 1, number 4, and
numbers 27 to 41 of Martin Luther’s 95 theses.
Link: This story went back in time and wrote itself, because
no mortal being could ever hope to create such an unholy thing.
Rauru: In 1945, the Nazis tried to summon this story with an
occult ritual, but it backfired and caused the Cold War instead.
Zelda: This story kicked a dog, and then raped it to death.
And then kept raping the corpse.
DED: The audiobook version of this story consists of nothing
but the sounds of gunshots, crying infants, and breaking glass.
Link: This story retroactively crippled Franklin D.
Roosevelt.
Rauru: Heaven won’t let this story in, and even Hell has
standards.
Zelda: This story is Osama Bin Laden in disguise.
DED: This story made me infertile with its terror-rays.
Link: This story’s tears cure cancer, but this story never
cries.
DED: Uh, what?
Link: Oh, whoops, sorry. I kind of ran out of ideas.
No comments:
Post a Comment