Wednesday, April 4, 2012

“One touch changes all” By Umlaut91

DED: Hey, folks! We’re back! In case you forgot, I’m joined by Rauru, still fat...

Rauru (smeared with caramel): I find grom nomph...offensive!

DED: ...Link, still stupid...

Link: Hey, Zelda, look! I’m balancing all the knives on my forehead! C’mon, you’re not looking!

DED: ...and Zelda, still a drunk.

Zelda: Look around you. Do you think it anything but necessary?

DED: Certainly not. So without further ado, let us return to the strained puns, half-baked philosophical rambling, lame references, and gross/tedious/hilarious sex acts!

“One touch changes all”
By Umlaut91

>>It was dusk in the land of Hyrule as the sun was setting in the fiery horizon.

Link: Well, I HOPE that’s the setting sun, and not some other manner of colossal fireball.

Rauru: I mean how fiery are we talking here? Is it setting INTO the GROUND?

>>The young warrior Link traveled through the Sacred Grove

Zelda: Despoiling it as he went!

Link: Hey, I don’t despoil the dungeons I traverse, I just...kill everything in them and smash all the pots and steal everything that isn’t...nailed...huh. Now I know what that sounds like, but...

>>to find the way to save Princess Zelda from the Usurper King Zant 

DED: Step one: Insert grommet (A) into flange (B) and rotate one-half turn counterclockwise.

Rauru: Step two: Disregard step two.

Link: Step three: Go back to step one.

Zelda: Step four: Divide by zero.

>>and his Twili minions,

Rauru: Any good Usurper King needs quality minions.

DED: They’re hard to find these days. And you wouldn’t BELIEVE the mortgage rates on Doom Fortresses.

>>but he couldn’t do this alone without the help from his imp companion Midna.

Zelda: Worst...buddy cop story...ever.

DED: Wait, he couldn’t do this alone...without help?

Link: Does he need help being alone?

Zelda: I guess she helped him do it alone, by...leaving. I daresay it’s the most helpful thing she could have done.

>>At first when Link first met Midna after he transformed into a wolf

Rauru: Did that hurt? It seems like that would hurt.

Link: Only the first time. But enough to rend my sanity completely asunder, I assure you.

>>their relationship were on the rocks

Zelda: That’ way of putting it. One stupid, stupid way.

>>asMidna seen Link as a misunderstood human

Link: Aww MAAAAAAAAAAN, I got turned into a one UNDERSTANDS me...

DED: “Misunderstood” in that it’s impossible to understand the noises a wolf makes.

>>while Link saw her as a piece of his aggravation.

Link: Entirely justified, by the way.

DED: Oh, no argument here, I wanted to punch that crepuscular bitch before the tutorial segment was even over.

Zelda: Only you, Dave, would ever utter the phrase “crepuscular bitch.”

Rauru: Wait, what does that mean? What is crepuscular? Can I eat it?

>>However; as time goes on their relationship grew like an elegant rose blooming in the gardens

DED: You know, I gotta give this author credit for at least trying, but seriously, try harder.

>>as Midna started to trust the young Hylian while Link appreciated Midnafor all her advice.

Link: Ah yes, the enduring legacy of “Hey! Listen!”

>>The sudden changes came right after Zant brutally harmed Midna;

DED: In a terrible and flagrant act of bad.

Rauru: Harmed her right in the...uh, caboose?

>>Link had to take her to Princess Zelda after she pleads him to do so.

Zelda: I don’t blame her. Dying, she just wanted to see true hotness with her own eyes.

>>After Zelda sacrificed herself to Midna and vanished into thin air,

DED: Only to show up again at a plot-convenient moment. I never understood that aspect of the game.

Zelda: Ah hahahahahaha, you think I would ACTUALLY DIE to save Midna?

>>she finally gave respect

Link: Knux.

>>to not only to the Princess of Hyrule but to Link as well.

Rauru: Uh, right, respect of the “Oh, I guess you aren’t useless after all” variety.

Link: Well, catty bitch respect is still respect I suppose.

>>While Link was wondering through the forest

DED: What was he wondering about?

Zelda: Wondering how hard it is to proofread.

>>while hearing the bugs chirping through the field, Midna suddenly popped up

Link: I HATE popups!

>>and floated in front of him.
“Hey Link, it’s getting late. How about we rest for the night?”


DED: No, no, she’s more like the Microsoft Word paperclip, only somehow more annoying.

>>The young Imp suggested.

Zelda: Come on, put your suggestions in the suggestion box. You’re making a mockery of the system!

>>“Okay.” Link responded before he saw her giving out a big yawn of exhaustion.

Link: That is a lousy give-away.

Rauru: Many will enter, few will win...anything worth having!

>>Later that night; Link unpacked everything and the items were sorted out as the campfire was settled out in the open while the blankets was spread on the soft breezy grass under the bright stars that were set across the universe.

DED: The Legend of Zelda: Full Life Consequences.

Zelda: Also there’s a Beatles reference to be made in there but I’m just not feeling up to it.

>>Link looked into the deep flames as there was something on his mind

Rauru: I know...I’ll BURN everything! I’ll burn them all!

>>that he couldn’t even tell Midna about it.

Zelda: Well, that’s a welcome change from you telling everyone every thought that passes through your...

Link: I told him, “So WHAT if the label says ‘Do not inhale fumes’?” And what’s the deal with packing peanuts? They always...

>>In fact; his mind was on Midna as he had some strange feelings about her

DED: Really, feeling anything toward Midna other than “pity” or “rage” is outside of the expected result.

>>such as Obsession,

Rauru: By Calvin Klein.

>>Curiosity, and most importantly…

Link: Shame.


Zelda: Most important indeed.

DED: At least where these stories are concerned.

>>He couldn’t help himself but to fall for Midna 

Rauru: ‘Specially when she tripped him.

>>as he thought that she had unique personality

Link: Um, yeah, “unique.” Let’s go with that.

>>and he never met a girl like her who had pride, perkiness, and ambition.

Zelda: The personality traits you want. The grotesque, impish physiology you need.

>>He always wondered what the young Imp was thinking about

DED: Just follow her on Twitter, dog.

Link: That reminds me, how come none of you guys follow MY Twitter feed?

Zelda: Link, you don’t have a Twitter feed. Your mouth is a Twitter feed.

Link: ...but that would make “nachos” the password, and that just couldn’t be. So I did some research and it turns out you CAN decrypt it using...

>>whenever they weren't busy on a quest.

Rauru: Oh, nothing, just thinking of more creative ways to make your life miserable.

>>All he knew was that if he told her about his true feelings she would not take him seriously just like the beginning of their journey.

Link: So by that logic...since Zelda had to die for Midna to take me seriously...I’ll...have to have sex with Zelda to make Midna want to have sex with me?

Zelda: You wish.

Link: Well, it was worth a shot.

>>Link thought that it was a good idea to hold it in for now and try later.

DED: Careful. Bad things happen when you’re constipated with lust.

Rauru: And, you know, the regular kind.

>>Midna was looking up at the dark skies while admiring the scattered stars that lit up the night.

Zelda: Boy they sure are twinkling I tell you what.

>>At first, her thoughts were on the Twilight Realm as she was worried about the Twili and Zant’s plans to dominate the palace.

Link: By “dominate,” of course, she means “redecorate.”

DED: “...and then we’ll put the futon over here, and hang that Counting Crows poster above the fish tank...”

>>But once she laid her eyes on Link her thoughts had suddenly changed

Zelda: “Oh God,” she thought, “Now I have to babysit this idiotic man-child who also now licks his own butt.”

Link: Like you wouldn’t lick your own butt, if you could. I am one of the few people who have cast off the shackles of fragile humanity and embraced the primordial, butt-licking animal within.

>>as she was obsessed about him as well.

Rauru: You’d imagine this mutual obsession wouldn’t go unnoticed.

DED: Possibly. But how easy can it be to pick up on sexual chemistry between an imp and a wolf?

>>She didn’t expect him to rescue her since she treated him poorly,

Zelda: She’s kind of an idiot that way, huh?

Link: Not at all on board with the old “more flies with honey than vinegar” chestnut.

>>but after the rescue she couldn’t stop thinking about Link in a positive manner.

Rauru: Hey, you know what they say, girls say yes to boys who keep girls from dying slow torturous deaths.

Zelda: I don’t think that’s quite how the saying goes.

>>She was pleased when Link decided to continue helping her even though they had a rough start.

DED: The plot is a cruel mistress indeed.

>>She wanted to tell the young Hylian about her thoughts, but she doesn’t want to lose her guard when it comes to personalities and when she touched him just to give him a hint she thought Link doesn’t see it as he didn’t responded the way she hoped.

Zelda: I...don’t even know.

>>Meanwhile; the fire slowly collapsed

DED: A bankruptcy cycle, combined with rising separatist sentiment, caused...

>>and it was getting late as the time was around midnight.

Link: Yep, that’s late all right.

DED: Well, is it late because it’s midnight, or is it midnight because it’s late?

Rauru: That makes no sense.

DED: I don’t see why I should be held to a higher sense-making standard than this author.

>>Link stood up from the ground and patted his trousers just to get the dust off of him

Link: Well, just the trousers, presumably, not ALL of him.

DED: Yeah, that would require bathing, and we all know how you feel about that.

>>before he turned his attention to the wandering Midna.

Zelda: I dunno, I kind of like that. “The wandering Midna.” I wish I had a title like that or something.

Rauru: Uh, yes, Your Highness.

Zelda: ...Oh, right.

>>“Um…Midna, it’s getting pretty late. I’m going to sleep over there if you need me.”

Link: “Uh, I’ll be asleep, so anything you need me for is on a ‘need-to-know’ basis, all right?”

>>The imp turned around to face Link as she didn’t pay attention

DED: That’s a good Link-management strategy, I’m finding.

Link: ...which got me thinking, “How hard can it be to make your own bowling ball?” So I gathered up all the hard candy I could find and melted it down into...

>>until she heard the last words he had said.

Rauru: All she heard was “you need me”?

DED: Oooh, subtle. I bet that’s one of those speed-seduction things I keep seeing in sidebar ads.

>>“What..? Oh, good night Link.”

Zelda: “What? Huh? Yes? Okay! Fine!”

>>With that; the young man walked up to the blankets by the tall tree before he laid himself down and closed his eyes,

DED: Thereby completing the going-to-bed process.

Link: I’m glad they didn’t leave any of the steps out, or I’d have been confused.

>>leaving Midna by herself by the fire.

This was it;

DED: *humming “The Final Countdown”*

Zelda: Yeah!

>>it was her chance to prove to him that she was serious

DED: *humming “Eye of the Tiger”*

Link: Put your game face on!

>>about her devotions to him. She didn’t want to sleep by herself again

DED: *humming “You’re the Best Around”*

Rauru: Aw hell naw!

>>as she would get lonely and cold.

DED: *humming the A-Team theme music*

Zelda: You go girlfriend!

>>It was now or never!

DED: *humming Guile’s theme from Street Fighter*

Link: Go for broke! You can’t give up now!

>>After she got all the nervous feelings out of her body,

Rauru: It was quite the invasive procedure.

Link: Oh, I’ve got an invasive procedure she’ll like...

>>she floated over to the mid-sleeping Link

Zelda: There it is again. It makes things sound so grandiose.

DED: It should be the other way around though, like, “Link, the Mid-Sleeping.”

>>and tap him on the shoulder; lightly enough to grab his attention.

Link: “*snrk* Yeah yeah what, look if you’re sexually frustrated just blow me while I sleep.”

Rauru: Oh God, don’t remind me of that other story.

>>The young Hylian opened his deep blue eyes to see littleMidna floating by him.

DED: Just about the most terrifying thing you can open your eyes to, I would say.

>>“Sorry I woke you up Link, but

Zelda: “...not really.”

>>I was wondering... is it okay if I can sleep with you tonight?” 

Rauru: “Well, I guess it’s okay that you CAN sleep with me tonight, as long as you DON’T...”

>>Midna asked shyly, hoping that the young man would say ‘yes’.

Link: What kind of mad daredevil would you have to be to make a request of someone in the hopes that they’d say “no?”

>>“Sure.” Link said before he patted the blanket to signal Midna to lay down next to him.

DED: They’re really nonchalant about this sex they’re having.

>>Once the imp laid herself down next to Link, she looked up to him

Zelda: You really shouldn’t be looking up to Link. In spite of all the heroics he really isn’t what you’d call a “role model.”

Link: ...and that concludes my Top Twelve Reasons Why Gasoline is Safer than Toothpaste. Now, when fly-fishing, I recommend...

>>while meeting his eyes once more.
“Thanks.” Midna said before she closed her eyes and snuggled next to Link.

DED: Oh. I guess by “sleep with you” she meant literally that.

Rauru: Can’t fault her for not wanting to freeze to death.

>>Link couldn’t be any happier as he didn’t expect this to happen

Link: Although we, tragically, did.

>>as they usually would sleep in a different area;

DED: Different area code, specifically.

>>away from each other.

Zelda: This, I think we can all agree, was for the best.

DED: And he was doing so well on his “Don’t sleep with members of a different species” New Year’s resolution...

>>Even though the both were finally together, Link thought it wouldn’t be a good idea to take things to the next level

Link: I know. World 3-1 is really hard.

Rauru: His first good idea in a long, long time.

>>as he didn’t want to ruin their building relationship.

Zelda: So they’re...independent contractors?

>>It was better than nothing the young man thought to himself.

DED: Thaaaaaaat’s debatable.

>>The young man closed his eyes once again and wrapped his arms around Midna before he was about to fall asleep.

Link: Oh, I thought he was going to sleep-molest her.

>>However; what he didn’t notice that his hands were touching her petite breasts.

DED: I mean, there’s nothing explicit, because it’s a Nintendo game, but Midna was completely naked the whole time. That would be seriously distracting.

Zelda: “Disturbing” is the word I would have used.

>>Once Midna felt the fingers slowly moving around against her sudden erect nipples,

Rauru: Her...sudden...nipples?

>>she let out a soft moan in her sleep. She didn’t know that the whole thing was real as she thought that it was only her fantasy

DED: It’s all part, of my Midna-sex fantasy! It’s all part, of my Midna-sex dreeeeam!

>>until she felt the soft ripples of pleasure rising.

Link: “The” soft ripples of pleasure. I’m not sure why but that sounds super awkward to me. Like, “the” soft pleasure ripples. Were we supposed to know about them already?

DED: Look, there are stupider things to be had in this story. Let’s move on.

>>She opened her eyes to see what

Zelda: ...was the matter. When what to her wondering eyes did appear, but a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer!

>>Link was doing was real. 

Rauru: Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

>>Midnawas not the only one noticing it

Link: Yes, have some consideration for us, the poor readers.

>>as the young man opened his eyes once he heard Midna. Both of them gasp and pulled away from each other

DED: Good! This seems promising. Maybe they’ll just awkwardly scoot away from each other, fall asleep, story over.

Zelda: Wishful thinking.

>>as they realized that Link made a mistake that could cost him her trust.

Rauru: This sounds like it belongs in a movie trailer.

DED: “...that could cost him...her trust. This summer...from the director of Good Will Hunting...”

>>“I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to do that! I didn’t know I was touching you…”

Zelda: What? Bullshit. You WRAPPED YOUR ARMS around her. You damn well knew you were “touching” her.

DED: To be fair, she was the one who invited herself into his bed.

>>Link apologized as he hoped that the young imp would understand.

Link: She’s kinda thick, you see.


>>“...That’s okay… I'm sure you didn’t mean to do that…” 

Zelda: Wow, Midna really lost her spine. Where’s the frothing bitchiness? The physical and verbal abuse?

Link: This Midna, I could get used to!

>>Midna said inexpressibly.

DED: You know what’s REALLY inexpressible? MY RAGE. AT THIS STORY. FOR ITS WORD CHOICE.

>>Link thought that imp was not happy with him because of her tone of voice,

Rauru: Really? I would think she’d be unhappy with him because, I dunno, he groped her while she slept.

>>but what he didn’t know is that she actually enjoyed his touches

Zelda: Like the way he leaves his underwear lying on the floor, like a wondrous present! Those little touches that mean so much.

Link: Or the way I draw smiley faces in syrup on my pancakes.

>>as it brought excitement to her and she didn’t want him to stop.
“Well I guess I'll leave you alone then.”

Rauru: Hey! Teacher! Leave those imps alone!

DED: All in all, it’s just another...dick...and some balls? Huh, that actually turned out better than expected.

>>The Hylian said before he bowed his head down and stood up to find a different place to sleep.

Link: Hey wait she kicked me out of my spot.

Zelda: THERE’s the conniving bullshit we’ve come to expect!

>>He looked around and found a big stump that was by the rivers

DED: Him find heap big stump at place of river.

>>and thought that it could be the spot where Midna would like him to be.

Link: Hold on, let me get this straight. So she wakes me up and says she wants to “sleep with me.”

Rauru: Right.

Link: Then she gets into my bed. But I start feeling her up, and she gets MAD.

Zelda: Correct.

Link: This, then, obliges ME to leave MY bed, and then go look around, completely at random, while she watches judgmentally, until I find the spot where I THINK that she “would like me to be.”

DED: Yup.

Link: ...that fucking CUNT!

>>But before he could go to the spot Midna stopped him by calling out for him.

Zelda: “Hey thanks for warming my bed for me bitch! Ahahahahahaha--”

>>“Wait Link…” The young man turned around to see that the young imp

Rauru: Point of order here, but how would Link or anyone else be able to tell that Midna is young, or old for that matter? She’s the only example of her species anyone has ever seen. I mean she’s a twilight-dweller transformed into an imp but all the other Twili got turned into monsters and shit, so even if you could somehow tell if a Twili or a Twili-monster was old or young it wouldn’t even apply to Midna herself.

DED: You know, that among many others is a fascinating point that nothing and no one will ever come close to addressing.

>>couldn’t stop shaking her body like if is she was in an anxiety attack or might be extremely cold.

Link: Or maybe there was some infectious techno music going on.

>>Link knelt himself down

Zelda: Weeeeeeeeeelp, better kneel m’self down rai-tcheer...

>>and placed his hand on her back just to relax her.

Rauru: JUST to relax her?

DED: Well the only ulterior motive is that he actually wants to have sex with this diminutive freak, but that’s just crazy, right?

>>Her ruby and gold eyes looked up to Link as she was ready to tell him what she really wants

Link: I’ll tell you what I wants, what I really really wants!

Rauru: I wants the precious ring!

>>since she couldn’t wait any longer.

Link: Right, since it’s not like I’m exhausted and was just actively trying to sleep.

>>“Actually… I want you to continue what you were doing…” 

DED: Then why did you make him stop and then leave!? Why didn’t you just jump his bones immediately!? It’s not like waking him up to ask to sleep in his bed is the height of subtlety or anything.

>>Midna whispered which brought confusion to Link.

Zelda: It’s funny that Link would receive confusion, instead of causing it in others.

Link: ...but the hot dogs STILL weren’t cooked, so I called the suicide prevention hotline and I told them I...

>>“What?” The young man asked.

Zelda: “Sex! Sex. Sex sex sex, now.”

>>Soon he got his answer when Midna suddenly took his hand and placed it on her chest while making it move in an up-and-down motion just to create more friction.

Rauru: Now, here, she’s clearly not doing this JUST to “create more friction.” I would hazard a guess that the resultant friction is not actually that high on her list of motives.

>>Link was shocked when she made him touch her like that as he thought the she was angry at him for his actions.

Zelda: And his words, and his aromas...

>>Even though this is exactly what Link wanted for the entire time,

DED: Now, hey, this is actually kind of poetical if you use the old-timey definition of “want” meaning “lack.”

Link: But we don’t.

DED: Right, so it sucks. I never said otherwise.

>>but his heart couldn’t stop beating fast as he thought that this would never happen.

Rauru: I guess it’s sorta touching that he’s able to look past Midna’s hideous grotesquery and find love.

DED: I guess once you’ve been transmogrified into a wolf and tasked with recovering the shards of a magical mask so you can break through a giant triangular golden force field to prevent the machinations of an inter-dimensional terrorist, fucking an imp isn’t really that weird anymore.

>>He had to do something.
"Midna... I can't do this to you." Link said even though he was lying through his teeth.

Link: I can indeed do this, and more, to you!

>>"Please Link. I need you right now in my time of need."

DED: Pffhfffhfhfffpfffff.

Zelda: Yeah well I DO NOT WANT this right now in my time of DO NOT WANT.

>>The young Imp moaned seductively.

Rauru: You do have to make sure people know she’s moaning seductively, and not like a brainthirsty zombie.

>>All the rubbing was making Link aroused;

DED: Wh...why?

>>so he decides to give in and just get this over with

Link: Wow, that’s actually exactly what I’d think in this situation. I mean I was actually thinking that as I started reading it.

Zelda: ’Strewth, I think we’re all feeling that way.

DED: “’Strewth?”

Zelda: Look, I have to keep up the whole Princess thing at least some of the time.

>>but first he need to check with Midna for one last time.

Link: Ugh, procedural bullshit.

Rauru: If I were him I would be checking not with Midna, but within myself, deep inside the very core of my dignity.

DED: And coming from you, that’s saying a lot.

Rauru: (pouring a continuous stream of Cheese-Itz into mouth) Buh?

>>“Are you sure you wanted this Midna?”

Zelda: “Uh, yeah, but now I’m NOT so sure...”

Link: “Why the hell are you asking me what I used to want?”

>>Link asked curiously which brought up a nod from the young imp.

DED: Young imp! There’s no need to feel down, I said, young imp! Pick yourself off the ground!

Zelda: It’s time to ask yourself, Y-R-U-Doingthis!

>>Suddenly; Link came

Link: Really? Already?

Rauru: This is great!

>>closer toMidna’s face

Zelda: Awesome, the story’s basically over now! I love it!

DED: Such brevity! Such concision! I’d say we have a candidate for Best—

>>just to lock lips with her

All: AWWWwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Link: DAMN it all!

DED: Yeah, no way we’re off the hook that easy.

>>while he used his hand to grab onto her ass. 

Rauru: As opposed to his prehensile feet...?

>>Midna was surprised when the young Hylian kissed her and proved that he had excellent skills

Link: Aww, I don’t need to do THAT to show off my excellent skills! Watch, I c—


Link: But I was just gonna—


Link: B—

Zelda: —OOO!

>>as his tongue was swirling and darting against hers. She immediately melted in the kiss

Rauru: Yes, well, melting in the Kisses is just the first step to Rauru’s Ultimate Chocolate Fondue. Then you gotta melt in the M&Ms, the Snickers, the Zagnuts, the Cadbury Cream Eggs, the crumbled bacon...

>>as it was so passionate and seductive at the same time.

DED: Yeah because nothing is ever passionate AND seductive AT THE SAME TIME.

Link: I am tempted to say that more things are done BOTH passionately AND seductively than are done purely one or the other.

>>The two lovers embraced each other as Midna wrapped her arms around Link’s neck while he placed his arms on her back

Zelda: Redundant, much? I mean you basically said what they did and then described what it means to do that.

>>and laid her down on the blanket as their kiss was getting more intense by a second. 

DED: Teeheeheeheeheehee.


Rauru: Well yeah, but it’s not like the phrase “by THE second” really makes tremendously more sense.


DED: Don’t look at me; the text in my MSTs is pure copypasta. Dunno what to tell ya, but I didn’t omit that space.           

Link: I can only suppose the author is just as eager to see the end of this as we are.

>>her hips upwards against Link just to feel him getting hard

Zelda: Always doing things “just for this” and “just for that.” She’s a real rebel without a cause.

Rauru: Uh, NO, she’s a rebel with a series of very specific causes.

Link: I bet she shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

>>which brought out a muffled moan from him during their heated kiss.

DED: The only way I’ll be able to survive the night is with the heat from kissing Midna. Ooorrr...I could drink my own piss...

>>The kiss ended too soon for Midna 

Zelda: Uh, spoiler alert, but you’ll be feeling that way again.

Link: Oh, what way Zelda?

Zelda: Y’know, the way you feel when your partner lets you down in the bedroom.

Link: Right, menopause.

Zelda: Wh...why y...

Link: *trollface*

Zelda: I just got burned by Link. Link. God, you people wonder why I’m always drowning my sorrows in...anything...

DED: It might be a vicious cycle, you know.

Link: Wait, that wasn’t quite the face I wanted. Zelda, how about a kiss, for luck?

Zelda: You’ve

Link: C’mooooonnnnnnnn...

Zelda:’ve got to be kidding...

Link: *delighted, does the CD-i “Faces of Evil” face*

Rauru: *messily eating an enormous flan* Cripesh, you guysh talk alotfffgf.

>>as Link pulled back from her lubricated mouth

DED: Come on, if you must draw attention to the fact that Link and Midna both slobbered all over their own and each other’s mouths, at least use a classier adjective than “lubricated.”

>>before he teased her by slowly going down to lick the sensitive nab on her lean neck.

Rauru: What in the fuck.

Zelda: ...what does that even MEAN?

DED: Maybe he means the...what the fuck does he mean?

Rauru: I’m completely nonplussed.

Link: I get it.

Zelda: ...Rrright.

Link: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Zelda: But I’m older than you.

Link: I mean older than you are now.

Zelda: But now I’m older than I just was.

Link: But you’re not older than you are NOW.

Zelda: B...what am I even DOING?!

>>The imp moaned softly as it felt ticklish yet soothing to her, but Link was just warming up

Rauru: Yeah, well, I hope so, ‘cause he’s been seriously disappointing SO far.

>>as he crawled back up to one of her ears and gave it long sensual licks

DED: Y’know, like some Aerosmith or some shit. Guns n’ Roses.

Zelda: Whatever, Dave.

DED: *guitar noises with mouth* WhoooooooOOOoooaaa sweet child o’ mi-ii-iiiiine! *more guitar noises*

Link: SHUT UP!

>>to the lobe which made Midna purred and blush lightly.

Rauru: I think this sentence is funnier if you imagine “purred” is just a misspelling of “puréed.”

DED: I don’t see why not, it’s just trading appallingly terrible tense agreement for appallingly terrible spelling.

>>“Why didn’t you tell me that you wanted this earlier?” Link asked

Zelda: “Well, first I had to overcome my innate revulsion towards you and your personal habits, and that took a good bit of time. Then I needed a long period of despair and sexual frustration. That allowed me to rationalize the impending abandonment of what little self-respect I had left, on the grounds that dying a virgin during our dangerous quest would be worse.”

Link: “Oh. Well I guess you don’t need to ask me the same thing because that’s what I was going to say.”

Rauru: it’s not stupid anymore, just desperately sad.

Zelda: So you finally begin to understand...

>>while he lowered himself to her soft chest. 

DED: That phrase doesn’t give me the impression, as it otherwise might, of large and pillowy bosoms, since as we all know Midna is flatter than a postage stamp. It just makes me think of Midna as a creepy, sternum-less, boneless mass, which for all I know is how she actually is.

>>Midna tried to come up with an answer as soon as she can.

Zelda: Uhhhhh, shit. Shit shit shit shit...

>>“Well… I don’t know how to ask.”

Rauru: From where I’m sitting, it sounds like you can barely speak English.

Link: Why WOULD Midna speak fluent English, or Hylian or whatever? Wouldn’t she speak Twilish or some shit, or do her people not have their own language?

DED: Does the Twilight Realm happen to have the exact same language as Hyrule, or what? Did Ganondorf teach everyone in the Twilight Realm Hylian after he was banished there, and then their language and the Hylian language remained identical for thousands of years?

>>Link gave her a nod to show her that he understands

Link: “Right, yeah, you’re unfamiliar with how human courtship works. You aren’t going to chew my head off when I get close to orgasm, are you?”

Rauru: “I mean does your kind, y’know, mitotically divide, or emit spores or something?”

>>before he pushed both of her breasts together and licked both of the sore nipples at the same time since she was that small. 

Zelda: That’s...nice I suppose? In my mind it doesn’t really outweigh Midna’s other...let’s just call them “anatomical irregularities.”

>>Midna hissed and threw her head back in ecstasy while she was playing with the young Hylian’s blonde hair just to support his actions.

Rauru: In what sense is that gesture at all supportive of his actions?

>>Link was having so much fun playing around with her

Link: Women are like MMORPGs, they’re fun just to play around with at first, but if you go all the way and let yourself become committed they devour all your time and money.

Zelda: *glare*

DED: But hey, and I can speak from experience here, they can really make you happy like nothing else.

Zelda: Experience with girls or MMO’s?

DED: Both.

Rauru: Uh huh.

DED: Seriously! And I quit MMO’s, I’ve been clean for years.

Zelda: Right, women and MMO’s are very much alike for you.

DED: Yeh...muh...shit.

>>as he always wanted payback for the beginning;

Zelda: Sexual vengeance—the bedrock of any fulfilling romance.

DED: More like “Sexual Vengeance”—the awesomest name for anything, ever.

>>he wants to see how long Midna can stand this sweet torture

Link: This hella-sweet torture?

>>as he was in control this time.

Rauru: Do not adjust your television.

>>“Do you like what I am doing to you?” Link asked

Zelda: “Well, I can’t say that I do, in fact you’re really eroding my soul with your incessant childish bullsh...oh you mean now? Oh this is okay I guess.”

>>while he took both of the rosy nipples

Link: On an actual woman that would make sense, but given the color palette of Midna’s body it’s just weird and the rest of Midna’s body.

>>with his fingers and pulled them experimentally.

DED: Yeah well I doubt it was six-sigma verified.

>>Midna’s breathings were rigged

Rauru: Um...the hell?

Link: Midna’s breath is a big sham! No deaths for breaths! We’re seething ‘bout rigged breathing!

>>since her nipples were very sensitive against his soft fingertips.

DED: The sensitivity of her nipples...somehow...made her breath conspiratorially tampered with?

>>“Yes…” Midna moaned. The answer brought up a touching smile from Link.

Zelda: Oh yeah. Having Link feel you up is like being groped by Mr. Rogers.

DED: But that would cause me profound mental trauma.

Zelda: Correct.

>>Link finally stopped playing with her nipples

Rauru: I mean cripes, we’re gonna be late!

Link: For what, dinner?

Rauru: Uh, yeah. What else would I ever care about being on time for?

Zelda: Breakfast and lunch?

Rauru: Clever girl...

>>so he can take a good look on her private area

DED: See, here’s the nudity thing again. Midna never had worn clothes and never did wear clothes. Those areas weren’t private in any real sense, and he could have been looking at any time.

Link: Believe me, I know. I don’t need to mention the feeling of her grinding her exposed asshole into the small of my back while she rode around on...

Zelda: Guuaaaauuhh, damn it, why did you mention what you said you didn’t need to mention?!

DED: It’s not just that she doesn’t care that she’s nude; as far as we know no one in the Twilight Realm ever wore clothing to begin with except Ganondorf I guess. So she doesn’t have any sort of psychosocial conception of clothing. She’s not just shameless: she is literally incapable of feeling shame about it.

>>with his hungry eyes.

Rauru: the wolf? That he used to be?

Link: Or still is, they don’t actually explicitly say if he’s been turned back yet.

>>He can tell that he was arousing her as there was clear like fluid leaking out of her.

Rauru: “There was clear, like, fluid?”  “There was clear-like fluid?” I don’t even know.

>>His palms were shaking as he didn’t know he was going to get this far as he thought that Midna might change her mind.

DED: All the “as” makes it sound so...syllogistic.

Link: Gwahuh?

DED: Like a syllogism.

Link: Ha ha, gism.

>>But Midna just laid there

Rauru: Not breathing or changing her mind at all. Hooray!

>>while panting lightly even though Link wasn’t touching her at the moment.

Link: But I thought he was smiling a TOUCHING smile.

Zelda: Okay, whatever, he’s not touching her breasts with his hands and we can all be thankful for that.

>>She looked up to him with her sweet eyes

Rauru: Sweet, you say? Like dessert sweet?

Link: Uh, I guess.

Rauru: Like as sweet as dulce de leche, you think?

Link: Whatever, you’re giving the author too much cred—

Rauru: —I could scoop them out and maybe serve them frozen. Or shred her eyes and make like a sweet topping out of her vitreous humor.

Link: You’re fucking terrifying me right now.

Rauru: Oh a pie. Perfect. Imp-eye pie. It’s so catchy!

>>that were barely opened.
“Oh Link…please touch me…” the young imp begged.

DED: “Look, I know that’s what you think you want, you would be just as good.”

>>After he swallowed lightly and took a deep breath, he got back to his teasing role

Zelda: Suddenly, the way Midna usually treated him seemed a lot more understandable to Link.

>>as he parted the vaginal lips and lightly touch her clitoris.

Link: Sigh...I wanted to sleep. She said she wanted to sleep. We were sleeping. But now we’ve somehow ended up doing this.

>>“Here?” Link playfully asked

Zelda: “Mmm, yessss, there!”

Link: “Not here?”

Zelda: “No! I mean yes, right there!”

Link: “NOT here.”

Zelda: “No! Yes! Here!”

Link: “Where?”


>>while he was poking around her sensitive areas with his index finger

Rauru: Tee hee.

DED: Chortle chuckle.

>>which brought vibrations to her body. The young imp

Zelda: I’m with Rauru on this one, there’s no way to be sure she’s young. How do you even tell an imp’s age?

Link: I think if you cut her in half you can count the rings. Or maybe not, whatever, cutting her in half is still a good idea.

>>opened her eyes and nodded softly.
“I’ll do so, but I need to prepare you first.”
“Huh? What do you mean by that?”

Rauru: “Well, I figure first I’ll baste you and then let you marinate for about 24 hours...”

>>The young Midna asked.

DED: There’s only one Midna. By default she’s the young one, and the old one, and the one that most resembles a turd. “The turd-resembling Midna” is a phrase that is exactly as good at identifying her as “the young Midna.”

Link: He mad.

>>Link gave her one last look before he lowered himself down to her stomach before he licked inside her bellybutton.

Zelda: Or, you could say he licked inside her bellybutton after he lowered himself down to her stomach after he gave her one last look.

DED: Or you could say he lowered himself down to her stomach before he licked inside her bellybutton AFTER he gave her one last look.

Rauru: Or you could say he gave her one last look BEFORE he licked inside her bellybutton after he lowered herself down to her stomach.

Link: ...or you could say it failed catastrophically; it turned out the grapefruit was slightly smaller than the bore of my breakfast cannon. So I tried outfitting it with a caramelized sabot but that just made things...

>>The young imp chuckled and moved herself around as she was very ticklish when somebody was playing around with her tummy.

DED: Good to know. No, that’s not right, I mean...

Zelda: ...useless to know?

DED: Yeah that.

>>But Link ignored her sudden movements by pushing in and out of her navel with his rough tongue.

Rauru: I guess Midna’s not the only one who’s unfamiliar with how human courtship works.

DED: Hold on, why does Midna have a belly button? Was there ever an umbilical cord attached there? She wasn’t born an imp, after all.

>>After he was done there

Link: Done wasting our time with THAT...

>>he left a trail of quick kisses from her stomach to her pubic area.

DED: And that’s how the cops finally tracked him down.

>>But he wasn’t ready to give what Midna wanted yet,

Rauru: Oh for sure, she hasn’t suffered NEARLY enough for it to be worth it at this point. Possibly no amount of suffering could justify it.

>>which brought out frustrations from her as she gave out a low growl.

Link: “Well, gosh, you don’t gotta bite my arm off, baby. I mean seriously don’t bite me it would bleed really a lot.”

>>Link gave out a face of what a father would bring out to his children

DED: Nothing could possibly complete this sentence and make it even slightly appropriate for this situation.

>>whenever they’re impatient.

Rauru: The father or the children?

Zelda: Well regardless it can’t possibly be the same face Link uses to withhold cunnilingus.

>>“Now Midna you need to learn to be patient.” Link pointed out.

Link: And to be less wretched in general.

>>“You’re the one who is taking so long.” Midna responded.

DED: Welp, this situation’s irreconcilable...

>>But soon the patience was paid off as Link slowly uses his tongue to lick her inner thighs all the way to the entrance of her vagina as he gave it a soft kiss before he parted her lips and took her sensitive clit inside his hot wet mouth.

Link: Oof, I’d forgotten that some run-on sentences can cause physical pain.

Rauru: Mulph.

>>The young Hylian was sucking and flicking it with the tip of his pointed tongue which made Midna brought out a loud cry as there were strong feelings that was inside her like alcohol that landed in a person’s stomach for the first time.


>>The young imp spread her legs so Link could have more access to her private part, 

Rauru: You know, that’s a good point. In what sense should it be “private parts,” plural?

>>the young man accepted the invitation by placing his finger inside her tight pussy.

Zelda: I’d like to make some kinda joke about “RSVP” and say FITP for “finger in tight pussy” but RSVP is from French and I don’t know any French so fuck it.

Link: Great job Zelda, you basically made the joke you’d like to make but in a way that was impossible to find funny.

Zelda: God, shut up, stop one-upping me, you’re NOT clever. I’m just so tired. *drinks from flask* Soooo tiiiired...

>>Midna hissed when the finger was probing inside her as she never felt something coming inside her before; therefore she must have been a virgin.

Rauru: What? No, it’s the other way around. You’re confusing cause and effect!

>>Even Link could tell that this was her first time doing this once he felt her Hymen being attached.

DED: Now, Hymen is actually the Greco-Roman god of marriage. So I guess the capital H means that...

Zelda:’re a moron, and so is the author. I got that.

>>The young man thought that its going to be intense for her later on but for now he is only focusing on pleasuring his partner.

Link: Really? Giving up on torment and unfulfilled promises so soon?

Zelda: Yeah, I mean, you’re so good at those things.

Link: Huh?

Zelda: Nothing...

>>Link took the finger out of Midnaand replaced it with his tongue

Rauru: He replaced his finger with his tongue?

Link: Gross, I’d have to taste everything I pick up.

>>so he can eat her out. But Midna wasn't satisfied

DED: She’s never fucking satisfied!

>>as she thought it didn't felt good enough for her; so she took hold of Link's head to shove him deeper.

Link: Eh, she’s done worse things to me for less valid reasons, so whatever.

>>Finally; Link had found the spot that drove Midna insane

Zelda: Ah yes, the spot that drives you insane. I call it the Lobe of Madness.

DED: Lovecraftian, isn’t it?

>>as she cried his name over and over when he poked it around a bit.

Rauru: Well now, I wouldn’t call that evidence of insanity per se. InANity, certainly, but not inSANity.

>>The imp couldn't control her herself

Link: Is that “her” supposed to be referring anthropomorphically to Midna’s vagina, d’ya think?

DED: That seems like the least stupid explanation so let’s go with that.

>>as she was tossing and turning as she was in the stormy waves of satisfaction

Zelda: Just adorable, this story is.

>>which she wouldn't escape from it.

DED: Wwwwwoooooowwwww.

>>Her juices were spilling out of her cunt

Rauru: Sloppy as always, Midna!

>>as her vagina was tender from all the kisses she received. 

DED: Simultaneity is a really big deal in this story; everything’s always happening as.

>>Midna was on the verge of orgasm as her breathing were getting short,

Link: Appropriate I suppose.

Zelda: Although I don’t think height is a big deal for a being that can hover.

>>but Link stopped himself so he can hear the young imp pout like a little girl.

Rauru: Why on earth would you WANT to hear that?

Link: The whole point of whining, and I am something of an expert, is that people will do what you want to make it STOP.

>>"Why did you stop?" Midna asked in demand.

DED: You can’t “ask” a demand. By its very nature, a question can’t be a demand. For one thing it has to be phrased in the imperative voice...

Zelda: Reeeeally putting that English degree to work there Dave.

>>"I want to hear you scream."

Link: “I mean I always sort of wanted that, although in this context I guess I want it for a different reason.”

DED: Welcome to the jungle, it gets worse here every day!

>>Link responded while giving out a naughty smile.

Rauru: Just then, the Grinch had an idea! The Grinch had a wonderful, awful idea!

>>However; Midna wasn't too open with the idea

Zelda: You don’t say.

>>as she thought that she had done enough to wait.

Rauru: Well come on, what has she done to earn it?

>>"You've got to be kidding..." The young imp muttered.

Link: *makes the face*

Zelda: Stop DOING that!

>>But Link knew how to change her mind by using his thumb to rotate her hidden pearl in a circular motion

Rauru: O...kay? I don’t see how that would change her mind about the screaming thing or, um, anything.

Zelda: But I guess there WAS that spot that drove her insane, which certainly counts as “changing” her mind.

>>which caused her to shutter and hold on to the grass beside her.

DED: That reminds me of that one movie, Shudder Island.

Rauru: Yeah, that ought to shudder up.

>>"You think I'm kidding?" Link asked. 

Link: “You think this is a GAME?!”

>>Midna had no choice but to do what the young man ask for

Rauru: Wait what was he asking for?

Zelda: Screaming, I thought.

DED: No, technically he said “I want to hear you scream,” which is a statement and not a request.

>>as it brought back where she left off.

Link: What is this I don’t even.

>>"Oh god Link...I'm going to...Aaah!" She shouted.

Rauru: She’s going to what?

Zelda: Shout, I guess.

>>The young Hylian gave her a smirk before he put his head back down to take her back into his mouth while he quickly rub against her clitoris at the same time for a few seconds before she finally reached her orgasm.

DED: I feel like it’s lazy to not say anything to interrupt these ridiculous run-on sentences, but Jesus, the uninterrupted sentence itself is funnier than anything I could say.

>>Midna's body was entirely numb

Rauru: Well that sucks. I thought orgasms were supposed to make you feel good.

Zelda: Or at least feel something.

>>as she threw back her while bucking her hips against his face,

Link: I was going to ask what she threw back but I realized I don’t care.

>>gave out a low moan, and released more of her sweet honey.

DED: That makes it sound like a voluntary act, which I don’t think it is. But what do I know? Grammar, mostly.

>>As for Link

Rauru: Ah yes, I was WONDERING what became of that strapping young lad!

>>he was able to hold on to her hips while he was able to swallow some of the bittersweet fluid

Link: Eeeeew.

DED: He “was able” to do those things? Was it really ever that difficult?

Link: Uh, yah, think about the willpower required.

>>that he got while doing his 'service' to her.

Zelda: We’re proud to honor those who serve.

>>After the whole thing was over with 

Rauru: Oh, how I wish things were really over with.

DED: One sex act is never good enough, is it? And doesn’t this seem a bit much for the very first time? I mean they haven’t even been on a date.

>>Midna spread her arms out and closed her eyes while catching her breath

Zelda: Wow, complicated. Did she hire a choreographer or something?

>>as she was definitely out of after waiting for the everlasting excitement to reach to the highest point.

Link: But if it’s everlasting then why would you wait for it LASTS FOREVER.

>>Link lapped up the juices he missed

Rauru: He’s weirdly thorough.

>>before he pulled back while leaving a thin trail that connected between her pussy and his soaked lips

DED: Geuhh. Who decided this was sexy? Because I was NOT invited to that meeting.

>>and cleaned his face with his hand.

Link: That, however, is an image I find strangely hilarious. Like, then he licks his lips and sucks on his fingers and goes, DEEEEE-licious!

>>"You're good with this." Midna whispered softly

Zelda: Good with this what?

>>before she pulled herself up and gave Link a sweet kiss.

Rauru: So would you say it’s more sweet or less sweet than grape Kool-Aid?

DED: Oh God just stop right there.

>>She didn't mind if she had to taste herself on Link,

Zelda: So the taste of her vaginal secretions is what she considers the taste of her entire self?

Link: Kinda selling herself short; I bet she has lots of other, less awful tastes.

Rauru: Like maybe if you diced h...


>>but as long as she's with her crush she is complete.

Zelda: Well that’s kinda sweet I guess. I don’t really have the heart to mock it.

Link: Y’know, I feel like I don’t say that kind of mushy stuff to you often enough. Zelda, you complete me.

Zelda: I guess. I mostly just keep you from destroying yourself and your surroundings, and listen to your constant rambling anecd—

Link: —and I think “Pfaffermittens” is the PERFECT name for it! But the patent office was all like, “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” but how can th—

>>But it was Link who stopped the kiss as he laid her back down once again,

Rauru: Well, thank God he finally realized what a traves—

>>but this time he undid his pants to bring out his harden cock

Rauru: —ty...Oh. But I was hoping...

DED: You should know better by now than to hope for things, Rauru.

>>out into the world before he took hold of Midna's short legs

Zelda: God, why must you constantly remind us how freakish and horrible she is? That’s definitely something you DON’T want to dwell on.

>>and spread them apart.
"Are you ready for this Midna?" Link asked softly.

Link: No. Nothing can prepare you for my dick.

>>However; Midna looked like if something was bothering her.

DED: If I were her I would be worried about the logistics of putting a human penis in her tiny elfin vagina.

Rauru: True, Link is literally twice her size and I have to assume her vagina was not designed for his proportionally-enormous dong.

Link: Fuck yeah it is.

Rauru: I only said it was proportionally enormous.

Link: Pff, whatever, proportionally is the LAST word I could ever spell or apply to my dong.

DED: But seriously, she could straight-up die from internal bleeding if she’s not careful.

>>"I'm actually scaried Link." Midna replied.

Zelda: Be afraided. Be very afraided.

"Because I'm afraid that this is going to hurt alot."

Link: “Oh it will.”

>>"There is nothing to be afraid of because I'm right here and I will never hurt you."

Zelda: That’s just the sort of promise you’ll regret making about Midna.

DED: So, he’s never gonna give her up, never gonna let her down, never gonna run around and desert her, never gonna make her cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and, critically, hurt her.

Link: That seems to be the gist of it.

DED: What a completely unique sentiment!

>>Link touched her smooth cheeks when he said those kind words; which it convinced Midna to trust Link.

Rauru: Only the latest of the many, many mistakes she has made that have led her to this moment.

>>"Okay. I'm ready."

Link: My body is ready.

Zelda: I’m not.

>>Link nodded before he carefully entered his member into Midna's tight vagina

DED: I’m reminded of Elder Scrolls lockpicking, somehow.

Zelda: I’m reminded of the fact that we are nothing but organic pain collectors being slowly digested by an amoral universe.

Link: Oh, c’mon, everything reminds you of that.


DED: Bah! Can it, Sylvia Plath, we’ve all got problems.

>>and stopped when he reached to her hymen.

Rauru: Showing uncharacteristic tact, I see.

>>Link pulled back before he sharply thrust in and took her virginity forever.

DED: Wow, damn, no need focus so much on the enormity of it all.

Zelda: Truly, this is a day that will live in infamy.

>>The young imp was in serious pain

Link: Well so much for the “never hurt you” line.

>>as her stomach was turning and she felt all cramped up at her nether regions.

Zelda: Now as much as I’d like to, I don’t think you can blame Link’s penis for that.

Rauru: Sounds like she ate some bad taquitos.

>>Blood lightly streamed out of her and covered up Link's penis and the blanket underneath them. 

DED: Delightful!

Link: Yes, bloody sheets, that’s EXACTLY what was missing from my life!

>>Midna couldn't help herself but to bring tears out of her crimson eyes

Rauru: Midna gettin’ high erryday.

DED: 420 play Wii every day!

>>and let out a soft cry. Link had to think fast

Zelda: Nnnnnot his strong suit.

Link: Not so, I think incredibly fast! Sometimes so fast that my brain escapes from me and speeds off into the sunset like the Road Runner.

DED: Yeah, you might be served well by slowing dow—

Link: ...made of my belly-button lint and discarded foam rubber. It worked great, except that it caught fire and burned down th...

>>by giving Midna a bear hug and hushed her in a soothing voice.

Rauru: Is he trying to assuage her pain, or just physically prevent her from fleeing?

>>"Are you alright?"
"Yeah. I just need to get use to it, that's all."

Zelda: Getting used to Link is a lifelong process, I’m afraid.

>>It took a moment for her to untense her muscles as she never felt this sort of pain in her life.

Rauru: At long last, the pain she deserves!

>>But as time goes on the pain faded away

Link: Only to be replaced with abject shame.

>>as she relaxed her thighs and loosen her grip on Link. Link started to thrust in calmly

Zelda: Calm and serene, like the Buddha.

DED: Truly he is the Bodhisattva of Imp-Fucking.

>>as he doesn't want to damage Midna.

Rauru: Uh, too late, I’m pretty sure Midna was what you’d call “damaged goods” to begin with.

>>The imp could feel his foreskin hitting on her walls and her clitoris rubbing against the base of his shaft

Link: That’s...oddly specific...

>>which caused her to gasp lightly. Even though they were starting to get into pleasure Midna had other ideas.

Zelda: “Wait a minute...Link’s enjoying this! I’m making him happy! I’ve become that which I hate and fear most!”

>>"Link, can I be on top?" The imp asked.

DED: C’mon, that’s how you ride around on him in a non-sexual way. Mix it up a bit.

>>"I would actually like that."

Link: The hell I would!

Zelda: I can see how serving as her steed would sour you on the idea of being “ridden.”

>>Without a moment to lose; The young imp unpenetrated herself

DED: Whoa, whoa, now that’s actually straight-up retarded genius right there.

>>so she can float up to push the young Hylianonto his back and straddle on his hips. 

Rauru: Hoversex.

Zelda: Sounds...nauseating?

>>Midna decides to tease him

Link: What an INCREDIBLY novel decision, Midna!

DED: This romance has really opened her up to new ways of thinking.

>>by grinding herself against his hard cock

Rauru: So like how finely ground? Like maybe nutmeg or perhaps…

Link: Cripes, Rauru, give it a rest! Midna is in no way edible!

Zelda: Unless you want to “eat” her like Link was earlier in this story and that is NOT what you bargained for.

>>just to mimic sex.

DED: Kinda redundant I think, because sex with Midna is ALREADY just an offensively crude approximation of actual sex with an actual human.

>>Link groaned as she did a good job teasing him and he can lose his control any second.

Rauru: Huh. Even completely removed from any sexual context, that sentence makes perfect sense and is completely in-character.

>>The young imp smiled wickedly as she always loveto tease him

Zelda: Old news.

>>and see him be so submissive.

DED: Well, they say you never get a second chance to make a first impression, and in this case Link’s first impression on Midna was “I am a dog, woof.”

Link: C’mon, not just dog, wolf.

DED: Whatever, genus canis.

>>After doing this a few times she placed her arms on the young man's stomach before she lift herself on top of his manhood before lowering herself without any problems.

Zelda: Waaaaaas she expecting any problems? It’s not exactly a process that’s fraught with peril.

>>After being penetrated she started to ride him in a steady pace.

DED: Trot?

Rauru: Huh?

DED: Walk? Canter?

Zelda: I think he’s listing a bunch of horse gaits.

DED: Gallop? Amble? Inquiring minds want to know!

Link: Oh for crying out loud, not even YOU know that much about horse gaits.

DED: Okay, I admit it, I Wiki’d it.

Zelda: Good to know you’ll never have THOSE minutes of your life back.

DED: Anyway, passage?

Rauru: Uh...what passage? What are you passing?

DED: No, puh-SAAJ. Rhymes with “massage.” It’s an exaggerated trot involving a high degree of collection...

Zelda: Okay don’t get carried away sparky.

DED: I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t even care about this shit.

>>It took a while to get use to him being inside of her, but soon she got the hang of it

Link:’s not really a learned skill.

Zelda: That’s not true; you just have no standards whatsoever.

Link: Well hell, whatever, ‘s all good.

Rauru: Like pizza.

>>as she increased her pace.

DED: Oh. Well that would involve impulsion, which is a horse’s ability t...

Rauru: Imma just stop you right there.

>>Suddenly Link to hold of Midna's small breast and started to massage them with the palm of his hands which cause her to moan.

DED: Here’s a fun game, let’s see how many mistakes are in this sentence. C’mon, count ‘em up! Nope, more than that. More. More. Nope, you missed one. No, EVEN MORE.

Zelda: If it turns out that English isn’t this author’s first language, then I’ll feel kind of bad.

DED: Oh come now Zelda, I’d have thought the years of MST abuse would have hardened your heart.

Rauru: Yeah that’s not much of an excuse. I’d have to say that if you’re not entirely fluent in a language, erotic fanfiction is probably not a good thing to practice with.

>>"Link...Oooooh...Fuck me hard." 

Link: The first, last, and only reasonable demand she has and ever will make of me.

>>Midna groaned with delight.

Rauru: Uh...huh.

Link: Oh yeah, Zelda does that all the time!

Zelda: Link, those groans are definitely NOT caused by delight.

Link: ...can’t tell ME what to do! So I cut the red wire anyway, and it turned out ENTIRELY BY COINCIDENCE that Zelda was right and it did, in fact, made her car explode. But I was undaunted, and...

Zelda (groaning): HNNRRRRARRRGGGHH.

>>Link took hold of her hips and started to thrust in and out from below to create a friction that was so intense that can bring eruption between them.

DED: “Sex” is so last year, the new slang is “friction intensity eruption.”

>>They were no longer in the land of Hyrule as they were in heaven...together.

Rauru: Hooray, they’re dead!

Zelda: And they said their love would never die! HA! THEY’RE FUCKING DEAD!

>>No one could take that away from them

Link: NO ONE, do you hear me?!? NOOOOO ONNNNNEEEEE!!!

>>since the sensation was so powerful that it blew their mind away.

DED: Oh, I’ve got some good ideas on how to blow their minds away. Blow ‘em all over the friggin’ walls.

Rauru: Why does it say “their mind,” singular? Do they have a hive-mind?

Zelda: Uh, Link and Midna only have one mind between them, and I’ll let you guess which of them is missing theirs.

>>Link's pace turned harder and quicker as Midna was bouncing on top of him while begging for him to go faster and harder.

DED: Work it...make it...makes us...

>>Her breasts were jiggling up and down from all the fast movements.

Link: Hey, she doesn’t have breasts. Certainly not ones sizable enough for jiggling to be possible.

Zelda: Well technically her whole body is jiggling up and down which would include her breasts.

>>She laid herself down

Rauru: sleep, pray the Lord my soul to keep...

DED: ...and if I die before I wank, pray the Lord my monkey to spank...

Zelda: That was a stretch.

>>on her stomach and facing herself against Link's neck while Link is now doing all the action

Link: I can never catch a break, huh? It’s not like having to haul her ass around ON MY BACK all day isn’t mutter mumble...

>>by quickly pumping in and out of her. Midna sucked

DED: Don’t have to tell ME twice! HYOOOOOOOO!

>>on the young man's neck while he rubbed her back and her petite ass.

Rauru: Rated T, for Teeny-Tiny.

>>It wasn't too long when the both was about to reach climax

Zelda: “The both.”

Link: Yyyyeahhhhh.

>>as Midna lift herself up and tries her best

DED: Come on, it’s switching tense COMPLETELY AT RANDOM.

Link: Don’t you see? Time is nonlinear and the universe is a psychic hologram born of a shared hallucination.

DED: Yeah, yeah, and Timecube is above God.

Rauru: I dunno, at least she’s trying her best. What more can we ask for?

Zelda: For her to not try at all?

>>to catch her breath with her lover

DED: Okay, first of all “catching one’s breath” is figurative, you can’t literally catch it. And second, of all the things you could use to catch something...Link? Really?

Link: But I have all sorts of uses!

>>and Link could feel himself releasing his semen out of his slit. Link took hold of Midna's face

Zelda: Oh lawl.

Rauru: Not just her head, her face specifically. Dunno how he manages that.

>>and french kissed her while the both

DED: There it is again.

Link: Is it maybe a nickname? Like “The ‘Nuge?”

>>are reaching towards their orgasm. Her inner muscles tightened and clamped around her lover with a vice like grip.

DED: You know what’s the strongest voluntary muscle in the body?

Zelda: The vagina?

DED: Nope, the tongue.

Rauru: The more you know.

>>He pushed deeper into her,

Zelda: He delved too greedily and too deep.

>>as deep as her body would allow him

Link: Prolly not that deep.

DED: Internal bleeding man, I’m tellin’ ya.

>>making the most of her contractions.
"Midna, I'm going to cum!" Link warned.

Zelda: I never really thought of that phrase as a “warning” per se, but I guess that’s technically what it is.


DED: Plus, as you’ll note several lines earlier, “Link could feel himself releasing his semen out of his slit.” If he really was trying to warn her, it’s far too late. Thank God the only offspring they could conceive would probably be an unspeakably grotesque lump of misshapen tissue incapable of sustaining its abominable life.

>>After his final thrust, Midna threw her head up

Rauru: I just have this mental image of Midna vomiting up a second copy of her own head.

>>and screamed cutely as Link was releasing all of his hot cum inside of her womb while her fluids were mixing with his.

Zelda: Well, there you have it, the “money shot” such as it is.

Link: Really this is closer to the “poverty shot.”

>>The young Hylian moaned loudly as he couldn't hold it any longer

DED: Okay, first it says he’s releasing semen from his slit, then it says he was releasing all of his hot cum, and NOW it says he can’t hold it any longer?

Link: Maybe it’s talking about holding something else.

DED: ...all these limes?

>>and closed his eyes tightly as his body was frozen from the powerful sensations.

Zelda: And the freeze ray of the diabolical Doctor Frigid!

Rauru: ...what?

Zelda: I’m just trying to liven things up. This is super boring.

>>Once they finally reached to the afterglow both of them took the time to catch their breaths as the floated back down to the sacred grove after a nice visit from the sexual paradise.

DED: I just don’t know anymore.

>>Link pulled out of Midna leaving a stream of semen mixed with blood that was escaping out of her.

Link: DeLIGHTful!

Zelda: I wonder what color her blood is. I imagine it’s some kind of oily black ichor.

>>There were nothing else to say

Rauru: Yeah, well, that’s not gonna stop you from saying a whole bunch more stuff, is it?

>>as the both of them were quite satisfied. 

DED: It says so right here on their survey cards.

>>Midna snuggled her head against Link's chest while he looked up at the full moon above.

Zelda: Hey, then how come he’s not transforming back into a wolf? Why can he control his lycanthropy?

Link: If I recall, it’s because Zant stabbed me with a big glowing black crystal.

>>"Isn't this so peaceful?" Link asked Midna. Midna looked up at the sky with the young hylian just to see his point.

Rauru: Which is...?

DED: Nothing I can detect.

>>The moon was so bright that it shined on the both lovers just if it was a sign from the goddesses.

Zelda: I’m going to take it as a sign of their infinite disgust at the act of unnatural bestiality just perpetrated.

>>"I think so, but being with you only made it better." Midna said sweetly.

Link: Also sweatier. And more filled with everlasting shame.

>>Link grinned at her before he gave her a final kiss before he grabbed on to the blanket and covered both him and Midna.

Rauru: And so the disgusting slurry of their sweat, semen and vaginal blood festered the night away under the covers.

DED: Good Lord Rauru, you’re really good at being disgusting.

>>Link thought that tonight was one of the most happiest time of his life

Link: Yeah, he THOUGHT that...

Zelda: He thinks a lot of things.

>>as he shared his passion with his lover and he will never forget this.

DED: No matter how hard he tries.

>>Tomorrow will be a better day as there is new adventures for the both 

Link: New monsters slavering for their blood! New deathtraps ready to kill them in horrible and creative ways!

>>and the best thing is that they're there together.
"Sleep well Midna."

Rauru: Tooooooo late.

Link: Finally she can actually, literally sleep with me, which if you recall is all she wanted in the first place.

>>Link whispered into her ears before he closed his eyes and fell into a deep sleep for the night.

DED: Well, that’s that. I’m inclined to think that English was not this author’s native language.

Rauru: Also that he or she sniffs glue. Neither of which excuses this monstrosity.

Zelda: I’faith, I would fain take a jackhammer to mine toes rather than read this story anon.

Link: The fuck you sa...oh, right. Princess.

Zelda: Look, there are quotas for this shit, okay?

1 comment:

  1. Great to have you back! When will you post more?