Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Dramatis Personae

My old site had some character bios. Those are gone, but I made better ones. Rejoice.

So, just who are these knuckleheads?

Rauru: A true gourmand, consummate epicurean, and other polite synonyms for “tremendous fatass,” Rauru is also the Sage of Light, a job that no one remembers giving him and one that entails no adequately-defined responsibilities whatsoever. This leaves him free to pursue his hobbies, which include “thinking about eating food,” “talking about eating food,” and “eating food.” Rauru’s mass has never been accurately measured, but the gravitational lensing it creates is visible to the naked eye. With his condiment-stained robes and avuncular beard-and-muttonchops, Rauru embodies the words "sagacious guidance," and also the words "hippopotamus cleric." Imagine Rauru sounding like Ben Stein talking through a mouthful of soggy marshmallows, because he usually is talking through such.

Link: Hero of Time, Savior of Hyrule, Zelda’s trophy boyfriend, and never more than six seconds away from a hilarious death, Link is a man’s man who wears his brain on his sleeve, thus rendering it useless for the task of thinking. He is blessed by what would be most accurately described as the "Triforce of Courage At The Expense of All Logic and Rationality." Easily amused and even more easily distracted, Link is much like a puppy in that he is cute, stupid, excitable, and given to uncontrollable urination. Zelda is much more than Link’s “better half,” she is closer to his better 85% and is responsible for his continued survival in spite of his inadvertent best efforts. Also like a puppy, Link is passionately devoted to her, in spite of her thinly-veiled disdain for his intellect and hygiene. Link should be read in the voice of Dumb, or Dumber.

Zelda: Wise, beautiful and fantastically rich, Zelda is a sensual lush who has taken well to the life of a Princess trapped in a gilded cage. She has a cynical streak, a history of (Link-induced) anger management issues, and a fondness for hard liquor. If not for her constant supervision, Link would surely have been found dead from running with scissors or sticking forks into sockets by now. Their love, however, goes beyond such petty imbecility, since you can really only get rescued from the clutches of supernatural evil so many times before you basically have to start putting out. I’m not sure how Zelda should be voiced because I have never heard a woman speak, nor felt the gentle touch of one of these mystical creatures my friends tell me exist.

DeadeyeDave: Erudite to the point of absurdity and not afraid to show it, Dave’s primary function is to point out grammatical mistakes, be the butt of nerd jokes, and talk about himself in the third person. While he assures you that he’s NOT a perpetually-virginal basement-dwelling neckbeard, you’d be hard pressed to figure that out just from looking at him. Like most great authors eventually do, Dave has applied his staggering genius to the task of ruthlessly mocking pornographic Legend of Zelda fanfiction on the Internet. He would like you to read his lines with the combined voices of Patrick Stewart and The Most Interesting Man in the World, causing tears of awe and the widespread moistening of ladyparts, although honestly it would be more appropriate to imagine his lines voiced by Squidward, Bueller’s teacher, or some other pedantic know-it-all.

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