In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space
We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:
Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “Spock!”
Rauru! “Gimmie gimmie gimmie gimmie fried chicken!”
Zelda! “Whatcha gonna do with all that junk?”
Link! “I’m special!”
If you don’t get how he stays alive
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!
>>“Link’s Love” by OneManBand
Zelda: Gee, I wonder why no one wants to join his band.
Rauru: I think we’re about to find out.
>>It was another beautiful day in Hyrule
Link: Do YOU know where your children are?
DED: It’s morning in
>>when Link, Hero of Time
Link: Winner of the All-State Whipped Cream Eating Contest, Most Likely to Win A
Darwin Award, Class of 1983, Best in Show, Purina Champion Boyfriend Show...
Zelda: You forgot about the honorary knighthood.
Link: Yeah, yeah, right. Whatever.
Zelda: And the two-hundred-acre fief. And the money and power and...
Link: And the Blue Ribbon Pumpkin award!
Zelda: *sigh* Yeah, that was one hell of a pumpkin, all right.
>>woke up in his house in
. Kokiri Forest
Rauru: Oh, good, he woke up, in the morning, in his house. I’m so glad they established that he didn’t, say, wake up in the afternoon on another planet.
DED: What a TWEEST!
>>As he got dressed he decided to go see Saria
Link: And her lovely, lovely vagina.
DED: Uh huh.
>>and catch up on all the news in the forest.
Rauru: Dateline: The Woods.
>>Leaving his house he walked to Saria's house while enjoying the sun.
Zelda: “HA HA! HA HA! HA! Sun.”
>>He noticed an odd silence in the air, as if nobody was awake yet.
DED: As if...the entire world had been eaten by zombies.
Zelda: “Link, I wouldn’t date you if you were the last man on earth!”
Link: “Oh. Really?”
>>Shrugging it off
Rauru: “Eh, they’re probably all asleep or dead or something. I’m gonna go get me some pussy!”
>>he continued on his walk to Saria's house only to pause at the pond outside the shop to check his reflection.
Link: “Man am I hot.”
DED: He forgets all about Saria and just stares at himself all day.
>>He wanted to look at least half decent,
Zelda: Yeah, I mean, 3/8ths decent? Not gonna cut it.
>>even if Saria was just his friend.
Link: Uh huh, “just friends.” Huh huh huh.
>>Life was great he thought,
Rauru: Ah, being a character in a sex story is great!
DED: Sure is.
>>he had saved Hyrule,
Link: Dig it.
>>been given a Royal Commendation,
Zelda: Bah, we give one of those to every yahoo who doesn’t show up drunk to the interview.
Zelda: We made an exception for you.
>>making him a Knight of Hyrule and he had a house, good friends and good food.
Link: That’s more friggin’ like it!
Rauru: What is he, ten years old? Who thought this would be a good idea?
>>As he walked into Saria's house he noticed that it was empty. "She must be at the Meadow" though Link.
Zelda: Dum dee dum dee doo, nothing wrong here...
>>Deciding to skip the warp song this time as it was a nice day he decided to jog to the Meadow.
Rauru: Yeah, it’ll be nice, what with all the monsters...
>>While on the way he noticed that there were no Kokiri running around as they normally do.
DED: So this is like a cross between “Horny Amateurs Volume 4” and “The Omega Man.”
>>Link decided it was because they were all sleeping
Link: Gee, I’m kind of an idiot, aren’t I?
Zelda: He just decides it, and it is so.
>>and continued on his way to the Lost Woods.
Rauru: La dee da dee doo...
DED: As he walked along, he tripped over a dead Kokiri. “Wow, they’re REALLY fast asleep!” he thought...
>>When he arrived at the meadow he head strange noises.
Zelda: *X-Files theme*
ROSWELL ’47! ROSWELL ’47!
>>Worrying that Saria could be in trouble,
Rauru: Oh, right, NOW he’s worried.
>>he drew his sword
DED: HA HA HA! Unsheathed.
Rauru: I don’t think anyone gets these references. Stephen Colbert’s innuendo doesn’t transfer to text form.
DED: You can go straight to hell.
>>and advanced quietly up the stairs to the meadow.
Zelda: Eee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!
>>What he found there was Saria sitting on her tree stump,
Link: “Hey, nice stump, I’d like to see it crumpled up on my bedroom fl...oh, wait, what?”
DED: Wait, WHAT?
>>legs spread and dipping two fingers into her pussy.
DED: Oh. Okay then.
Rauru: What, is she too lazy to take her clothes off or what?
>>As he watched her, unnoticed by her
Zelda: Link does a lot of watching.
>>he felt a bulge in his tunic grow at this erotic sight.
Link: Secretly watching prepubescent girls masturbate? Oh, yeah.
>>Before he could do anything
>>Saria began to shake and screamed in ecstasy.
DED: Every time I read something like that, I hear Steve Tyler screaming, “AHHH! AAAHHHHH! DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LAY-DAY!” And then I feel like crying.
>>Saria opened her eyes and saw Link standing there with his face red
Rauru: “Uh, I was, uh, er, gonna, uh, duh...”
>>realized that she had been caught.
Zelda: Well, it’s not like she was making a big effort to be secretive.
Link: Oh, she secreted stuff, all right.
All: *stunned silence*
>>"Link, you can't tell anyone about this,
Rauru: “They would cast me out! I’d die alone and unloved! Society would crumble!”
>>if you do i would be ridiculed and mocked"
Zelda: So, Saria’s leadership of the Kokiri is a fragile political balancing act that all hinges on whether or not she touches herself. Odd.
Rauru: “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO!”
Link: Geez, am I _that_ untrustworthy?
>>"Tell you what, make the show more interactive and no one will know what you did today" was his reply.
DED: “Except, uh, me. But the implication is that no one who would use the knowledge AGAINST you will know what you did today. Although you can’t really prove that I wouldn’t use the knowledge against you, so you’ll...never mind.”
Rauru: “Well, I was going to ask if you wanted to go skip rocks at the pond, but this works, too...”
>>Saria stood up and walked over to him and dropped to her knees.
Zelda: She doesn’t even answer him!
>>Pulling at his legging she freed all 7 inches of his cock.
Zelda: Heh, that’s at least getting into a reasonable range...
Rauru: Yeah, usually it’s all “His penis was thirteen inches long and could bench-press 160 pounds and could travel through time.”
>>With wide eyes
Link: Doodely doodely doodely doodely…
Zelda: “Dreams DO come true!”
>>she opened her mouth and began to lick at the tip of Link's penis.
Rauru: Play Saria’s Song NOW to talk to HOT LIVE SLUTS who want you BAD! 50 rupees for the first sexy minute and 30 rupees each minute after.
>>"More" he commanded.
DED: “MORE! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!”
Rauru: “I command it!”
>>Saria eventually lowered her mouth over Link's cock
Link: “Preparing to dock...fire the afterburners...”
>>and began to bob up and down on it.
Zelda: Like a kid on a pogo stick.
>>"Oh yeah, that’s the stuff" said Link.
DED: “Shit yeah, motherfuckers!”
Rauru: Wow, you know, we don’t see this every day.
>>Eventually she managed to get 5 inches into her mouth without gagging.
Link: Gah, didn’t need to hear that!
Zelda: “GHHGAGH! GHAHGG! God, do you EVER shower?”
>>As she moved her head up and down his cock she began to lick it,
>>causing Link even more pleasure.
Rauru: EEEEEVEN MOOOORE!
Link: After a couple hours...
>>Saria could feel him start to tense up
Zelda: “Honey? Honey, what’s wrong, you seem tense...are you worrying about global molybdenum demand outstripping supply? I told you, there’s nothing you can do about it!”
>>and knew he was about ready to release his load.
DED: Pilot to bombardier, pilot to bombardier, open the bomb doors.
Zelda: Don’t DO that!
>>Link grabbed her head and began to push her head up and down his cock with increasing speed and force.
DED: Wow, what an asshole.
>> Saria struggled to breathe
Rauru: Wow, this is GREAT!
Link: I don’t get why women don’t like giving blowjobs, it sounds like so much fun!
>>Link was nearing his climax.
Zelda: The music swells...
Rauru: Da, da da da da da da da, da da da da da da DA, da da da da da da DAAAA, da da da da da da DA da DA da DAAAA, DEE DA DEE DEE DA DEEDEE DA, DA DA DA DA DAAAAAA DA DAAAAAAAAA DA DAAAAAAAAAA, DA DA DA DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
>>He pushed Saria's head right up to his balls,
DED: He’s so nice about this. I’m glad he’s not, you know, abusing his power.
>>making her deep throat his cock.
Rauru: “Gee, blackmailing my friends into having violent sex with me is GREAT!”
>>With a loud moan
Link: “Now I sing Don Sebastiano!”
Zelda: ...warily down the street, brim pulled way down low! Ain’t no sound but the sound of his feet, machine guns ready to go! Are you ready? Are you ready for this? A...
Zelda: I...I’m sorry.
>>sending streams of cum down Saria's throat.
Rauru: ...to grandmother’s house we go!
Zelda: Oh, god, leave grandmothers out of this.
>>Letting her go,
DED: Gee, thanks.
>>she pulled her head off his cock and fell backwards, gasping for air.
Link: She almost died! It’s fun!
DED: What better way to show your affection than to make them choke on your putrid spooge!
>>Once Link regained his breath he said "Now it's time for the main show"
Zelda: Ed Sullivaaaaaaaaaaaan!
Rauru: “In this cornah, weighing in at 186 pounds...”
>>as he began to remove what was left of his clothing.
DED: In the aftermath of the tragedy, there was little clothing to speak of.
>>Seeing this Saria also removed her clothing.
Link: So I guess whenever anyone has sex there’s this really awkward 10-to-20-second interval where they’re just stripping their clothes off and kind of glancing at one another.
Rauru: Well, you would know, right?
Link: No...I only put on clothes when I leave the house, so it’s never an issue.
>>When she was about to take her green boots off
Zelda: Don’t, you, step on my green suede boots...
Rauru: Y...you’re doing it again.
Zelda: ...I’m...I’m sorry.
>>Link said "Leave them on, you look sexier with them on"
Link: AGAIN with the boots! I just don’t get it! Is there some fundamental aspect of eroticism I’m missing here? Do little boots turn on everyone except me?
DED: Of course they do. That’s why they’re always shown in movies.
>>Saria lay on her back and Link climbed on top of her.
Rauru: To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
DED: Now masturbate, masturbate, masturbate all!
Zelda: Yes! *high-fives all around*
>>He said "Any preferred position?"
Link: “Umm...away from you?”
>>"I don't care,
DED: Oh, for...TAKE CHARGE! Geez!
Zelda: You’re not being a very good role model.
Rauru: Well, for unrelated reasons.
just fuck me" was the reply.
Rauru: Oh, is that what I should do? How novel.
>>As you wish he thought.
Link: If I MUST…
>>In one swift move he buried 4 inches of his cock
>>into her warm
>>pussy drawing a gasp
Rauru: “You’re MAD!”
>>from Link and a moan from Saria. He began to thrust slowly, savouring
DED: Savor the Flava.
Zelda: You know, when you write that out, with letters, it looks retarded.
Link: You dare question the wisdom of Flava Flav?
Zelda: Um, yes.
>>the sensation of his cock being massaged by Saria's warm, tight pussy.
Rauru: Uh huh, warm, okay, tight, yeah...
>>As he sped up his thrusts he began to go deeper into her. 5, 6 then
DED: ...get this...
>>all 7 inches
>>were being thrust in and out of her pussy causing her to moan even louder.
Rauru: Glasses exploding everywhere...
Zelda: “Wow, Link, that was amazing!”
>>Link couldn't get much leverage in this position
DED: Leverage? Wow, I love it when they drops words like “leverage” into stories like these.
Link: “Hmm, suboptimal leverage...adjusting 26 degrees for improved torque, bilateral equalizer hum de dum dum…be with you in a minute, dear!”
>>to he put her legs on his shoulders
Rauru: I really hope sex is worth it, because this sounds like the least comfortable thing imaginable.
DED: Somehow, Rauru, I don’t think you’re going to need to worry about it.
>>and continued thrusting in and out of her.
Zelda: “Oh, you don’t have proper leverage, okay, just hyperextend all my joints, tearing my ligaments, great, THANKS...”
>>"God, you're so tight!"
Link: “You’re SMOTHERING me, GOD! Just LAY OFF!”
>>said Link "Oh god, oh god oh god"
DED: Adorémus in aetérnum...sanctissimum sacraméntum...
>>was his only response from Saria. "I'm about to cum!" he cried
Rauru: Avaunt, cried he, and quit my sight!
Zelda: “Yeah, great, I think I slipped a disc in my back here, I can’t feel my legs...”
>>"Oh god Link,
Link: ...who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name...”
DED: HA HA HA! Thy kingdom...come.
>>cum inside me please!"
Zelda: If, you know, that’s okay with you.
Rauru: “It’s okay, I’m on the pill!”
>>she moaned. Suddenly he thrust into her,
Rauru: MY HEART! EUUURRRAAGGGHHH!
>>burying all 7 inches of his cock
Zelda: Really. All 7. Every. Single. Inch. Inch one, inch three, inch six...ALL of them.
>>in her and with a loud cry
Link: Everyone’s crying, what’s so sad?
>>he came, sending sperm jetting into Saria's pussy.
DED: Pew pew pew!
>>This set Saria off
Link: Ticktickticktick-DING! Popcorn’s done!
Rauru: Are you fucking serious.
Link: Uh, no.
Rauru: Damn, you got me all excited. DAMN!
>>and she came with a cry so loud Link thought his eardrums would pop.
DED: “AAAH AHHH OH GOD, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? JESUS!”
Zelda: Naturally, the rest of the community comes to investigate.
>>The feeling of her pussy clamping down on his cock
Rauru: TIGHTER and TIGHTER...
>>only served to heighten Link's orgasm as he knelt there,
DED: Kneeling...there’s sure a lot of religious reference going on here...
Zelda: “Oh god, Link, oh god!” No. There is no God. God is dead. You killed him.
>>open mouthed at the surge of pleasure
DED: So, this is different from his usual gape-mouthed idiocy?
>>running through him. Saria passed out from exhaustion
Link: Wait a minute, I thought she was terribly concerned about KEEPING people from finding out about this? And she just passes out naked?
>>and soon, Link did too,
Rauru: So...sex is just like a face-full of chloroform?
DED: Sounds really dangerous. You should have paramedics on hand in case you hit your head on something when you pass out.
>>falling asleep next to Saria.
Zelda: They’re well on their way to single-handedly repopulating
after the apocalypse... Kokiri Forest
>>When he awoke hours later he noticed
Rauru: ...his clothes and wallet were gone and there was Magic Marker all over his face and there was a picture of him, naked and splaying, on the front page of the newspaper.
>>Saria was lying against him, fast asleep
Link: And like any good operator, he sneaks away.
>>with a grin on her face. This made him grin as he saw her begin to stir.
Zelda: “Oooohh, MAN...Last thing I remember I was drinking vodka Collins with the Three Know-It-All Brothers...”
>>"Enjoy that?" said Link.
DED: “Well, not really, I was having this really weird dream about an octopus riding four bicycles at once...OH, you mean the sex.”
>>"You have no idea how much i wanted that Link" was her reply
Rauru: “And frankly, you’re better off not knowing.”
>>"Would you like to do it again sometime?"
Link: “Be coerced into giving you sexual favors to keep you from ruining my reputation? I’d LOVE to!”
>>"I couldn't think of anything better to do"
Zelda: ...Kinda sad, really.
>>As they got dressed they both realized that the sun was setting and they stopped to watch.
Rauru: So they just stop, frozen, semi-nude, sock halfway on?
>>Link, watching the sun set felt a sense of happiness,
Link: Yeah, let’s see where that happiness is in a couple weeks when Saria starts missing her period.
>>knowing that the one thing missing in his otherwise brilliant life has been found.
DED: Sunsets? His life was missing sunsets?
Link: You know, guys? This one was really, really bad.
Rauru: So? Like the other ones weren’t?
Link: But this was bad on a different level you see. It wasn’t just melodramatic, or long and overblown...it was just stupid. Stupid and bad.
Zelda: Yeah, I mean, hilariously porno-riffic plot, idiotic sentences, grammar mistakes...it’s almost refreshing.
DED: It definitely didn’t try to appeal to our intellect like most other stories.
Link: Which, yeah, is pretty insulting if you think about it.
Rauru: Three cheers for terrible stories!