Friday, June 22, 2012

Classic MST: "Pirate Booty" by ravidouk

In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space

We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:

Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “Ticking away the moments that make up the dull day...”
Rauru! “Is he live or dead? Has he thoughts within his head?”
Zelda! “When I think about me I touch myself!”
Link! “He’s a smooth operator! Smoooooooooooth operator!”
If you don’t get how he stays alive                
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!

>>“Pirate Booty” by ravidouk

DED: Right off the bat: Best. Title. Ever.

Link: Rivaled only by the 1986 classic, “Sperms of Endearment.”

Zelda: Although “Butt Reams May Come” is definitely in the running.

DED: Hey, did you notice the fatness quotient of this room is suddenly way lower?

Link: Yeah, and the overpowering body odor is only a faint, lingering unpleasantness.

Zelda: This all adds up to one thing: Rauru is gone!

DED: He is? I thought he couldn’t even stand up and walk out of this place.

Link: Apparently he can, and has.

DED: Let’s see...Oh, there’s a note. (reading note) “Deer People: Had a nuther hart attack. Had to go to the dokter and have funny tubes put in. Dodecatuplebypass. New werld recerd, apparently. See u guys in a few days. SinseerleeRauru.”

Zelda: That’s funny. Usually Rauru brushes off heart attacks like they were paper cuts.

Link: Hey, man, paper cuts hurt.

DED: Well, that means they must be sending a replacement.

>>Somewhere out in the vast ocean a pirate ship laid anchored off the coast of a small island.

Malon: Hello!

DED: Whoa!

Malon: They told me you’d be in here. Where should I sit?


Link: You sit on the seat that’s six feet wide.

Malon: This looks like two seats, each three feet wide.

Link: No, those are for the two buttcheeks.

Malon: Guh-ross.

Link: Yeah.

Zelda: That whore is sitting with no one between her and Link.

DED: Yeah? So?

Zelda: You don’t understand. NO ONE IS BETWEEN HER AND MY LINK.

DED: Chillax.

Zelda: There is nothing I would rather do right now than chillax. With my feet firmly planted on Malon’s shallow grave.

Malon: So, what is it we’re doing here?

DED: Make fun of poorly-done sex stories. Often involving you.

Malon: ...we’re what?

DED: Nothing. You’ll find out soon enough.

>>It was late in the morning and its crew had already landed on shore and had made their way up its grassy hill to the summit of a mountain.

Malon: So, I think we’ve met before. I’m Malon.

Link: Yeah, I know who you are. Let’s just hope this one isn’t about you.

Zelda: (leaning across Link to grab Malon by the collar) If you make one wrong move I will toss your guts like a fuckin’ salad.

Malon (bubbly as ever): Nice to meet you!

Link: Weird.

>>At the top was a ruined stone fortress which was rumored to hold in its stoned walls

DED: “So, it’s like, we’re walls, right, but we’re also, like, cosmic entities in the equilibrium of the universe.”

Link: “Far out, maaaaan!”

Zelda: So, the walls of a stone fortress are made of stone? What a gargantuan surprise.

Malon: Is this what I’m supposed to do?

Zelda: Keep your mouth shut and your hands off Link, you fucking cunt.

DED: Yeah. Make fun of this.

Malon: Okay.

>>treasure. Reason enough for this band to land and investigate it.
Soon the group had reached the ruin that lay in a huge clearing in a less than dense wood;

DED: Eh wot?

Malon: Do the words on the screen always make no sense, or is this different?

DED: No, it’s pretty much always like this.

>>at the back of the fortress was a huge cliff with just the sea below it. Leading the group was the crews female captain ‘Tetra’

Link: If that IS your real name...

Malon: Hey, “Link!” How are “you?”

Zelda: He’s fine. Never talk to him again.

>>roughly sixteen years old

DED: You know, legally, this is still pedophilia.

Zelda: And whose idea was it to let sixteen-year-olds lead pirate crews?

Malon: Honestly, what would YOU think the first thing a bunch of pirates would do to a sixteen-year-old girl is: Make her captain? Or throw a rape party?

Zelda: Shut up, douche.

Malon: Okies!

>>with a slim figure, tanned skin, blue eyes and long blond hair she had done up in a pony tail.

Link: I find it odd that ponytails are popular.

DED: As the proud owner of a ponytail, I wish to know the basis of your opinion.

Link: Why would you want the back of your head to look like a horse’s butt?


Link: (pointing) See, here’s where the poop would come out, right out of the foramen magnum.

DED: Dammit, Link, you’ve taken another facet of existence and shot it all to hell.

>>Behind her were her most of her motley crew,

Malon: Does anyone know what “motley” actually means?

Link: And has anyone seen it in conjunction with anything except “crew?”

Zelda: And doesn’t “Mötley Crüe” have umlauts on it?

>>the only one who was absent and still back at the ship was Nico.

DED: Oh yeah, the dumpy guy.

>>But among them was the newest addition to the crew, a young male who was about the same age as Tetra.

Link: Enter...ME!

Zelda: Wouldn’t it be hilarious if it wasn’t you for once?

Link: No, that’s unthinkable. I feel crazier just hearing that.

>>He was tall and slim with a good body build,

Malon: Someday I hope someone writes about an overweight, balding, middle-aged Link railing at how he used to be someone.

DED: You would want to read that?

Malon: Well, no. But it’d be a nice contrast.

>>had blond hair and blue eyes himself. His name was Link

Link: “You killed my brother. Prepare to die.”

>>and for the last four years he had left home to travel with the pirates in search of a land to found the new land of Hyrule.

DED: Hey, you can’t go founding countries all over the place.

Zelda: Yeah. Plus, Hyrule’s still there. It’s just...somewhat more underwater than usual.

>>He had long out grown his old green clothes given to him on his twelfth birthday

Malon: I should hope so.

Zelda: What the fuck is THAT supposed to mean? Are you coveting my Linky and his hot, hot body?

Malon: What? No!

Zelda: That’s what I fuckin’ THOUGHT!

Link: Psychotic though it is, I appreciate your genuine affection for me.

>>but had managed to find some that reassembled his old ones.

DED: Reassembled?

>>The only thing that was missing was his green hat as he was yet to find a larger replacement.

Link: (mute horror)

Malon: Wow.

Link: That’s like saying, “He was basically the same person, except his soul had been ripped from his body by thousands of white-hot iron hooks and flayed into an unrecognizable mass of hate and suffering.”

Zelda: Your hat is that important to you, huh?

Link: Um, duh.

Zelda: Really? You don’t have it on right now.

Link: That’s pish-posh. Preposterous. Pish-posh-terous.

Zelda: Seriously. Check your head, you aren’t wearing it.

Link: Okay. I’ll humor you. (feels around on head) For the love of all that’s holy MY HAT IS GONE!

DED: Really?

Link: Who am I? Where am I? I have become unmoored from reality forever.

>>He carried over his back a large steel sword and shield that had both seen its fair share of combat.

DED: “That both had seen its.” Yeah. Swish that around in your mouth for a while.

Link: This is not happening. This is not happening. This is not happening. This...

>>The crew then came to a halt at the front of the fortresses main wooden gate witch lay open and broken.

Malon: So what’s the deal with his hat?

Zelda: It’s, like, his Samson-esque source of power.

Link: You fools know not of what you speak! The hat is missing. Dark forces are at work. The machinations of evil have put in motion a plot that will spell the end of all that is.

DED: Or, you just lost your hat.

Link: One and the same.

>>Tetra then turned to address her crew “Okay you lot we’re here.

Malon: Ta-daaaaa!

>>Once we get inside we’ll then search this place top to bottom for any riches it has hidden in its walls.

DED: You know, I never thought to do that, but I’ll bet there’s pirate treasure somewhere in the walls here.

Zelda: See, usually when you’re looting a place you don’t start smashing the walls apart. Because that kind of collapses the building.

Link: Okay. Alpha Team, search the outskirts of Hyrule. Bravo Team, take the land north of Lon Lon Ranch. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Team, the south. Leave no stone unturned. I want full body cavity searches on every living thing you come across...including yourselves! WE MUST FIND THAT HAT!

Malon: Is he still babbling?

DED: Yes.

>>If we have time we’ll start immediately gathering fresh supplies on the island for our return to sea. Any questions?”

Zelda: “Dyuhhhhhhhhhhh, nope.”

>>Out of the whole group only Link raised his hand “Yes Link? What is it?” Tetra rolled her eyes, having half expected him to ask.

DED: And remember, there are no stupid questions.

Zelda: Only stupid people who ask questions.

Link: The hat is lost! Oh, woe, oh despair! Alle goes downe! My might and my meine are all fallande...

>>“How do we know there’s anything worth of value in there? This place has already been visited by many other pirates, treasure hunters, sea raiders and thieves.

Zelda: What? That’s like saying the fridge was raided by a fat guy, a fat bald guy, a fat smelly bald guy, and Rauru.

Malon: I hope he’s okay.

Zelda: Up yours.

Malon: Huh?

DED: Zelda, got some insecurity issues or anything?

Zelda: I do NOT.

>>I doubt they would have missed anything,” Link stated.

Link: Yes, like Rauru at a buffet, nothing remains but scraps too small to be noticed.

DED: Woot!

Zelda: It’s so nice to be able to mock Rauru while he’s gone, just like we did with Malon.

Malon: Huh? Did what with me?

Zelda: It’s just all those stories we read about you where you were an insatiably cockthirsty...

DED: NOTHING! Nothing. We did nothing with nothing.

Malon: Okay, then.

Zelda: Like when you got pounded from both sides by these guards in that one...


Malon: I’m confused.

Zelda: Probably from all the STDs.

>>“Don’t question Miss Tetra’s orders Link,” Gonzo said

DED: We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs started to take hold.

>>“If she thinks there are riches in there, then there must be.”

Zelda: I see Tetra’s brainwashing campaign has worked wonders.

Link: “Of course there’s treasure there. She said so. All is right in the world.”

>>“Yeah Link keep a positive mind,” Senza soon followed

DED: “Yeah, shut the fuck up you dumb shit!”

>>“We are sure to find some pirate booty in there.”

Link: Giggity!

>>“We all know the type of booty your in to Senza,” Link muttered under his breath.

Malon: That put-down was so funny, I almost laughed.

DED: I’m not even sure it was a put-down. It’s so ambiguous.

Link: Yeah, is Link implying that Senza prefers gems over doubloons? Does he like fine cloth-of-gold? Silver goblets? Ruby-studded brooches?

DED: Well, ruby-studded brooches are pretty faggy.

>>“Ahem!” Tetra went

Zelda: Hey, just a question, Tetra is me, right?

DED: Well, sort of. It all has to do about the continuum of Hyrule and the reincarnation/destiny cycle of heroes and princesses...

Zelda: Yeah, you’re boring me now. The important thing is that I’m in this one.

DED: Well, it’s not so much “you” as it is a manifestation of a predestined archetype fated to reemerge in various yet similar forms throughout...

Zelda: I wish I had a tan like I do in the Wind Waker. I don’t get to go out in the sun much.

DED: Well, see, in one sense, you DO have that tan, because it IS you up there, although not in your current state of being. If we postulate that the existence of the Tetra/Zelda dichotomy corresponds to the...

Zelda: Oh, shut up why don’t you.

>>“If you lot have finished arguing I’d like to get this done know. Well search this place for three hours

Malon: I thought she said she wanted it done NOW.

>>and if we haven’t found anything we’ll start gathering supplies.”

Link: Yeah, I mean, they should search for non-existent treasure first, before finding food and water. That way, if it turns out there’s no supplies to be had, they can just eat the gold they don’t find.

>>With that said the crew entered the ruin and began searching for what ever they could find.

Malon: “Hey! A rock! Hey! Another rock! Hey, a stick!”

DED: Tetra recruited all her pirates straight off the short bus.

>>The only ones still out side were Link and Tetra who were still standing in the same spot.

Zelda: Yeah, seems like pretty typical Link behavior.

Link: Sometimes when Zelda wants me to do something she throws a stick for me. I always go and get it! Because I am teh uber-1337 awesome!

DED: This reminds me of when people pretend to be playing hide-and-seek, and one person goes and hides and the other person just sits down and watches TV until the hider catches on.

Malon: “Okay, the retards are gone, now’s our chance!”

>>“Well?” Tetra asked.

Zelda: “The fuck is wrong with you?”

>>“Come on Tetra,” Link replied “You heard what all those people back at those islands said.

DED: “Arr, ye limey dogs, the island be cursed! No man has e’er returned from Skull Island!”

Link: People back then were both unimaginative and overly pessimistic. Yes, there is an island from which no man has ever returned. Yes, it’s surrounded by typhoons. Yes, it has a series of caves that make the front of the island resemble a human skull. But come on, you have to then go and call it “Skull Island?”

DED: If I found a place like that, I’d call it something like, “Free Ale and Whores Island” and just get a bunch of suckers to head over there. Just for shits and giggles.

Zelda: Hey, Malon could make it Free Whore Island.

Malon: What?

Link: Just aren’t getting it, are you?

Malon: Getting what?

>>Half of them who told us of this place already visited and raided it.

Zelda: Hmm, yeah, let’s trust thieves and tomb-robbers.

Malon: You know, maybe the tomb robbers were just SAYING the island was picked clean to keep you AWAY from it? Because there’s actually so much treasure there that they’re making several trips just to get rid of it all?

>>It’s been picked clean of anything valuable it had. So why the hell are we here, you of all people know I’m right.”

DED: OBViously.

>>“Yes I know your right.”

Link: Yeah, the right to remain silent...

Zelda: I really wish he’d exercise that right more often.

>>“You… You do?”

DED: “Yeah, sure, I sympathize with you, OF COURSE NOT you dumb fuck! Get on your hands and knees and look for treasure!”

>>Link responded while trying to swat an insect that was buzzing around his face “Then why are we here?”

Zelda: Periods are your friend.

Malon: Um...not really.

Zelda: Periods like the punctuation marks.

Malon: Oh.

>>“Because you idiot, incase you didn’t hear me the first few times we need to restock on supplies. We’re low on water and food

DED: So let me get this straight. BECAUSE they’re about to starve to death, instead of ordering everyone to gather supplies, she tells them to basically look for twenty-dollar bills lying on the side of the road? Instead of, you know, GETTING SUPPLIES?

Zelda: She’s Napoleonic in her leadership genius.

>>and this island so far is the closest one with all that we need. And as long as there is a ruin rumored to hold any hidden treasure here the rest of the crew are going to be more focused on finding any of that than gathering fresh water or fresh fruit.

DED: So WHY DID YOU TELL THEM TO GATHER NONEXISTANT TREASURE? God, who died and made you pirate captain? And what was HIS problem?

>>So I might as well let them rummage around this old dump and figure it out for them selves. Who knows they might find some hidden loot that could have been missed.”

Malon: “Or we’ll all die. Y’know, play it by ear.”

>>“I guess so” Link agreed.

DED: I never imagined Link would have such bovine obsequiousness.

Zelda: For all his talk, Link really just does what he’s told.

Link: No I don’t!

Zelda: Yes you do.

Link: Okay.

>>“Good, now why don’t you make your self useful and make a start gathering some of those bananas we saw on our way up here.

DED: Not phallic or anything.

Malon: Reading a little too much into this, aren’t we?

DED: Hey, it’s hard when you know what’s coming.

Link: Ha ha ha ha, “coming.”

DED: See?

Malon: Why do you know what’s coming?

DED:’s not hard to predict these things after a while.

Malon: Predict WHAT things? What’s going on?

DED: You seriously don’t know.

Malon: No. I thought you guys were going to be reading and editing a nice wholesome story for the betterment of the author.

DED: Wow. Get ready for an enormous surprise.

>>“And what are you going to be doing while I’m doing all the real hard work?” Link asked

Zelda: “Same thing we do every night, Linky. Try to take over the world!”

Link: They’re Linky, they’re Linky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain...

>>“Why I‘ll be busy seeing if the is something of value in there,” Tetra soon approached Link and patted him on the cheek

Malon: “Awww, WHO’s a good little minion? WHO’s a good boy? YOU’RE a good boy! Yes you are! Yeeesssssss you are!”

>>while giving him a never before seen seductive look

Link: For the first time, only on DVD!

>>“Now be a good boy and do what Miss Tetra has asked you to do. And if you do you’ll get a big surprise”

Zelda (monotone): Oh. A big surprise. Whatever could it be. I wonder.

>>She then headed in to the ruin with a smirk on her face.

Malon: Well...there’s the carrot, and the stick.

DED: Tell ya what, Link’s gonna have a carrot and a stick. In his pants.

Zelda: That may have been the lamest thing ever.

DED: Mm-hmm?

Zelda: Not just the lamest innuendo ever. Not even the lamest joke ever. But indeed, the lamest THING, EVER, in human history.

DED: Ah.

Zelda: Oh, there may be some cave drawing lamer than that dating back to the dawn of mankind, but we mustn’t waste time in idle speculation.

>>Link grumbled and started to make his way back down the hill. He had only taken a few steps when suddenly he heard the most deafening scream he had ever heard behind him.

DED: Another tragic instance of absolutes. A scream can either deafen you, or it can’t deafen you. You can be either deaf or not deaf. You can’t be “extremely” deaf. And something can’t be the “most” deafening thing you ever hear. In fact, since it’s deafening, the first deafening thing you hear will be the ONLY deafening thing you hear.

Link: Shut the fuck up.

DED: It’s also a misplaced modifier. The “behind him” now modifies “heard” when it should modify “scream.” This is such a grievous error because it changes an adjective clause into an adverbial one.

Link: I said shut up, damn you!


Zelda: “Are you ready for some FOOTBALLLLLLLLLLLLLL?!?”


>>“He turned around to see Tetra’s hands both covering a spot on her ass

Malon: Look, I know how hard it is to keep you white clothes from getting stained. But no matter how bad you think it looks, covering it with your hands forever is not the solution.

Zelda: Yeah, and nothing takes semen out of your tube top, cocksucker. I hope you die in the gutter, you festering, slack-twatted whore.

Malon: Zelda, I’ve only been around you for a few minutes, but I detect an unmistakable animosity between us.

Zelda: Choke on your own bile, you hag.

Malon: Have I done anything wrong?

Zelda: Oh, not yet. But you will. I know you will. I’ve read the stories.

Malon: Read the stories? What?

Zelda: Oh, don’t play dumb with me! We all know what you’re like. All the stories! All the hot nasty sex with MY property!

Link: Wait, you think I’m your prop...

Zelda: Shut up, sweetie.

Link: Okay. Anyway, Malon?

Malon: Yeah?

Link: The stories are...

Zelda: Don’t talk to her! No eye contact!

Link: Zelda, seriously, you have insecurity issues.

Zelda: I do NOT have insecurity issues! Now purge here and forever from your mind any mention of Malon and her evil, man-stealing ways!

Link: Hmmmm...done.

Zelda: Excellent.

>>while an insect similar to the one Link tried to swat earlier flew away.

DED: In the summer...

Malon: Look, Zelda, I just don’t get you. I wanna be your friend.

Zelda: Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you.

DED: ...of 2006...

Zelda: You’re just a sex-deprived farm girl who can’t wait to get her manure-smeared hands on Link and milk him dry!

Malon: Are you serious? Link?

DED: ...Captain Tetra...

Malon: I don’t even like Link.

Zelda: Ah HA! You admit...wait, what?

DED: ...will...

Malon: I have no interest in Link. Romantically, sexually...*snort* intellectually…

Zelda: Lies! I’ve read the stories!


Malon: Stories? About me having sex with Link? What have you people been doing here?

Zelda: You don’t want to know the details.

>>Tetra turned around with a look of intense pain and anger on her face “It bit me!” She screamed “The fucking thing bit me on my ass!”

DED: Geez, talk about “swearing like a pirate.”

Link: “Well, I always told you that not wearing bug repellant would come back to bite you in the ass, but I didn’t mean LITERALLY...”

>>“Row faster you idiot!” Ordered Tetra,

DED: Um, obviously.

Link: That wasn’t an order, she was just asking politely!

Zelda: You seriously don’t want to do all kinds of nasty, Kama Sutra stuff to Link?

Malon: Kama whatta? No!

Zelda: Wow. I totally misjudged you.

Malon: I mean, I want a nice, intelligent guy I could spend the rest of my life with, not just a sweaty tryst with the Hero of Time! What gives you the impression...

Zelda: It’s just that in all the’re always the one who’s dressed like a twelve-dollar whore, it’s always you who grabs the cock with both hands and neverlets go!

Malon: What the crap is going on around here? Who wrote these stories?

Zelda: They use pseudonyms. No one knows their real names.

Malon: So...what you guys do here is sit around all day reading graphically explicit anonymous lies about MY sex life?

Zelda: And then we make fun of the grammar.

Malon: This is INSANE!

Zelda: Tell me about it.

DED: Can you girls stop kissing and mock the story? Come on, Malon, we aren’t paying you to goldbrick.

Malon: You aren’t paying me anything.

Link: I want to see them kissing...

>>she sat at the end of the long boat while Link sat at the other end quickly rowing the boat back to the ship.

Zelda: Malon, I’m sorry I misjudged you.

Malon: Zelda, I’m sorry I made you worried.

DED: And I’m sorry I have to listen.

Link: Yeah, Malon’s all right. She treated me nice.

Zelda: ...wait.

Link: A real nice girl. I remember the time we spent together so fondly...

Zelda: WHAT?

DED: Hoo boy.

>>The rest of the crew remained back at shore gathering fresh water and previsions for the return to sea,

Zelda: Explain what you mean, Link. Think very carefully about what you say. Very, very carefully.

Link: Oh, Malon and I dated for a while. We broke up.

Malon: Yeah. It just wasn’t working out. But we had a fun time, right Link?

Link: Yeah.

DED: Zelda, you’re taking this quite well.

Zelda: No, this is a rage-induced stroke. It paralyzed my face. Otherwise you would see it contorted with indescribable fury.

DED: Ah.

Link: Zelda, seriously, it’s nothing. Peace out.

Zelda: Peace? As in the peace of the grave? Or perhaps you mean “piece out,” as in, “pieces of your skull will be flying out of the wood chipper.”

>>but not before they had searched the ruin for any hidden treasure.

Malon: Really, Zelda. It’s over. I told you, I don’t see anything in Link. He wasn’t going anywhere.

Zelda: So you’re saying you’re better than me?

Malon: What? No, I...

Zelda: You will die. You’ll all die. Die in a fire.

>>Tetra sat uncomfortable as the insect bite on her butt made it unbearable to remain seated.

DED: It’s unbearable for me to remain seated and keep reading this. I know just how she feels.

Malon: Zelda, you gotta let it go. It was, like, years ago.

Zelda: I’ll let it go at the same instant I let go of your neck and you flop, lifeless, to the ground.

DED: Am I the only one still reading this story?

Link: I’m trying to. Apparently all my endless seducing has caught up with me and is causing a bunch of background noise.

>>“Dose it hurt?” asked Link still rowing.

DED: Oh, it still hurts. It hurts badly.

Zelda: Link. We will talk later. Malon, you will die in a way too horrible to visualize.

Malon: Um...

Link: Wow. Women.

>>“Of coarse it bloody hurts, do you think that scream or the way I’m sitting is all for nothing you twerp.”

DED: “Well, do you? Do you? DO YOU, better say NO, dammit!”

>>Tetra nagged, she was clearly in a foul mood over what had just happened

Link: Really? I didn’t pick that up.

DED: Sadness? Yes. Confusion? Overwhelming. Hubris? Present. Indigestion? Possibly. But anger? No and no again, I say! None was present.

Malon: Going a little overboard?

>>“We’ll just go back to the ship and use what’s in the medicine cabinet

Zelda: I don’t think pirates tended to keep well-stocked medicine cabinets.

DED: Yeah, it was mostly just grog and un-sterilized hacksaws.

Link: “Don’t worry, Tetra, we’ll amputate your ass! That always works!”

>>and I’ll be back there making that useless lot

Malon: Well, to be fair, you were the one who picked them out.

>>picking every damn fruit and veg and barreling every bit of water on that damn island.”

Zelda: Hey, now, the island didn’t do anything wrong.

DED: Quit raggin’ on the island!

>>“Great but why do I have to take you back to the ship?” asked Link, he however wanted to remain back on land.

Link: implied by his question of why he had to go to the ship.


Link: Because because because beCAAAAAAAAAAAUSE...

All: Because of the wonderful things he does!

>>Tetra paused for a moment “Hey! I don’t have to give you an answer,

Zelda: “’re a moron!”

>>I’m the captain of this crew remember. Now do what you’ve been bloody told and get me back on board my bloody ship”

DED: Bloody ship? Uh, that’s a sign of intestinal damage. You need to see a doctor about that.

Malon: Dude! Sick!

>>“Sorry for asking,” Link just kept rowing

Zelda: I wish Link was this way in real life.

DED: Clearly it’s not for lack of trying on your part.

>>until they reached the ship and boarded.
Ready to meet them on deck was Niko “Aargh! Miss Tetra,

Link: What? Oh, come on, pirates don’t go “Aargh!” That’s maybe the noise a pirate would make when, say, kicked in the crotch.

DED: “Aargh, right in me mizzenmast!”

>>how are you back so soon.

Malon: How? That’s not really the question you want to ask here.

Zelda: “How am I back so soon? Link’s weak personality.”

>>Did you find any hidden treasure?”

DED: Do you mean literal treasure, or metaphorical treasure? I think I found some metaphorical treasure.

>>Tetra decided not to answer but too instead give Niko an order as she passed him.

Malon: “I’ll have the hardtack value meal with a Coke, no weevils, please...”

Link: “That’ll be five gold doubloons, please pull around to the second window.”

>>“Niko take the long boat back to shore and give the rest of the crew a hand. And remind those idiots

Zelda: “Hey, idiot, remind the other idiots not to do those idiot things they do.”

DED: Maybe her crew would like her more if she stopped calling them idiots to their faces.

>>that they’re there to gather fresh water and fruit. Not to spend the whole day searching for treasure that is not even there.

Link: Um, why didn’t she just take them to an island that WASN’T rumored to have treasure on it?

>>They have until sundown to be ready and make it back to the ship.”

DED: “Of course, without my whole crew, I can’t actually pilot the ship, so really you can take as long as you want and there’s nothing I can do about probably shouldn’t have said that out loud.”

>>Niko thrilled not to be stuck watching the ship again jumped in the boat and rowed straight for land while Link followed her down below deck.

Malon: ...I think my brain just exploded. Do I get hazard pay for this?

DED: Sure. We’ll triple your salary.

Malon: My salary is nothing.

DED: Now it’s three nothings.

>>Once below Link searched in the medicine cabinet for the required ointment for Tetra’s sting,

Zelda: “Hmm...ass sting...ass sting...HERE we are! ‘Doctor Feelgood’s Anti-Ass-Sting Cream.’”

>>once he had found what he was looking for he then entered her cabin to give it to her

DED: There’s something very mechanical about the way this is written.

Malon: Once I finish comprehending what you said, I’ll say something in response. “Yeah, you’re right,” I said. Then I stopped passing air through my pharynx which made me stop talking.

DED: Yeah. Like that.

 >>“I’ve got the stuff you asked for, I’ll just leave it here and you can do it your self.”

Link: Here I go again on my ooooooooown...

>>“If only it was that simple,” Tetra replied sitting on her bed with her arms folded.

Zelda: “It’s a suppository.”

DED: You might not actually be that far off.

>>“What do you mean Miss Tetra?”

Malon: Yeah, what do you mean? How could you miss her? She’s right there!

>>Link asked in a sarcastic tone,

Link: Sarcastic? How would THAT sound?

>>and then suddenly Link’s jaw dropped

Malon:, fell to the floor, and broke into little pieces.

DED: Scurvy’ll do that to you.

>>as Tetra stood up and in front of him pulled her trousers down, revealing

Link (excited): ...the Lost Dutchman’s Mine?

>>a pair of white silken panties

Link (disappointed): ...oh. I thought it would be the Lost Dutchman’s Mine.

>>covering her butt.

DED: Well, that’s what they advertise them to do, right?

Malon: Is this part?

Zelda: What, THIS? No, no, nononono. This is a frigid Victorian schoolmarm compared to what’s coming.

Malon: Does it go on long, or...

DED: Pages and pages.

Malon: Oh. Wow.

Link: Oh, come on. It’s not going to be any worse than what we did.

Malon: Hey! Don’t talk about that.

Zelda: What? What did you say?

Malon: Well, it’s kind of a sensitive topic, and I don’t really know how to say it I’ll just let Link blurt it out thoughtlessly.

Link: I lost my virginity to Malon!

Zelda: WHAT?!?

>>Her smooth tanned buttocks stuck out with the back of her underwear sandwiched between them.


Malon: If it’s not a thong, don’t try to wear it like one.

Zelda: I cannot BELIEVE what I am hearing. There will be a reckoning. Oh yes. You won’t know if you’re dead or just envying the dead.

Link: Zelda? Honey? Are you mad?

Zelda: Every second will feel like a thousand years of skinless blood-drenched Walpurgisnacht. A cacophonous symphony of cackling witches and wailing infants will play forever in your souls.

Link: …so you’re mad?

>>Link’s eyes then widened as Tetra laid her self

DED: Oh, the kids to-day and their compounded word-form-congeries, they’re so reck-less...

Link: Look, Zelda, if it’s any consolation, she was nothing compared to you.

Zelda: Just like having molten silver poured onto your eyeballs will be nothing compared to the agonies you will experience.

Link: She had NO idea what she was doing.

Malon: Come on! I did the best I could.

Link: That’s exactly the problem.

Zelda: I’m going to contain the boiling primordial hellstorm of unthinking rage I’m feeling until the end of the story. With any luck, rather than fade with the passage of time, it will be concentrated into a blinding singularity of raw violence.

Link: That’s nice, honeykitten!

>>on her bed face down and facing the wall, her legs bent with her butt sticking up in the air.

Malon: Assume the position.

DED: You know, I can understand if she needs him to put the ointment on, but why does she gotta do it like THAT?

>>She then turned to Link who still had his jaw open

Link: Oh, come on, like I’ve never seen ass before.

Malon: That’s not true and I can vouch for it. *giggles*

Zelda: Must...resist...unleashing...holocaust...of...vengeance...

 >>“Stop drooling you idiot and get to work”.

DED: Whoa, talk about “swabbing the decks.”

>>“Y-You want me to do it?”

Malon: Relax! Don’t do it!

>>Link gasped in embarrassment

Link: Em-bare-ass-ment.

>>“You want me too touch you’re…?”

DED: It’s like the author is trying to prove that spellcheck can’t solve everything. TRYING.

>>“Yes you moron,”

Link: I try to live my life according to the principle that all girls, whether they know it yet or not, want me to touch their bums.

Malon: He was right, too. Tee hee.

Zelda: Rage...overtaking...nervous system...choking...on...own...bile...

>>Tetra concluded “It’s because I was stung there that I can’t do it my self.

DED: Ah, these kids to-day with their cellular-telephones and their roller-skates and their Digital-Video-Disc-Replayment-Devices...

>>And as much as I loathe the thought of you even laying one finger on my ass

Malon: How about toes? Would toes be okay?

Zelda: Somewhere there is a website devoted to men touching women’s butts with their feet. I just know it.

>>I really don’t have much option.

Link: You could get Nico to do it. He’s probably gay.

>>Now stop being such a wimp and get to work, this sting is killing me.”

DED: The funny thing is that for all we know, it might literally be killing her.

Malon: Like, deadly, paralysis-inducing neurotoxins are coursing through her bloodstream.

Zelda: That would be funny, in a postmodern sort of way.

Link: “It’s killing you? Oh, then I guess I don’t really need to do that good a job, seeing as you’ll be dead anyway.”

>>Taking one large gulp Link pulled up a stool

Zelda: Ever since I learned that word has two meanings, one always seems to crowd out the other.

Link: I know. I’m pulling up a stool as we speak.

Malon: God! You’re disgusting! I can’t believe I let know.

Zelda: Take...knife...kill...Link...and...Malon...

Link: Zelda? Are you all right?


>>too the bed

DED: As if a thousand English teachers cried out at once, and were suddenly silenced.

>>and sat with Tetra’s butt staring him right in the face

Malon: (whistles “The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly”)

Link (gravelly Clint Eastwood voice): All right, butt. It’s just you and me.

>>“Oh, and Link…”

Zelda: “What was the name of that one movie with that guy, where they blow up a train? It’s driving me crazy.”

>>Tetra’s face tuned to him with the most threatening and intimidating expression he had ever seen.

Link: Well, ever seen coming from someone with their ass in his face.

DED: That position kind of undercuts the menace.

>>“I swear to the Gods, you try anything and you’ll need that stuff for far worse than anything you’ve ever suffered.”

Link: Worth it. Totally worth it.

>>With that said

Malon: Now that THAT’S out of the way...

>>Tetra then turned too face the wall again leaving a rather nervous look on Link’s face. Taking a deep breath

DED: What, he needs to hold his breath? Is the stench overpowering?

Link: That’s so gross I don’t even want to think about it.

>>Link then began to look for the insect bite. Link examined very inch of Tetra’s butt

Zelda: I’m sure he did.

Malon: Yeah, he takes out a magnifying glass like Sherlock Holmes...

>>for it but could not see any swelling or red marks anywhere.

DED: Ah, so it IS all an elaborate come-on! That actually makes more sense in the context of what this story is. Retarded sex fiction.

>>“Are you just going to sit there, not do anything but just stare at my ass all day,

Zelda: “I’ve considered it, yes...”

>>can’t you see any damn swelling

Link: “Yeah, there are these two swellings on either side of your underwear, right where the femur meets the pelvis.”

>>or any marks anywhere?” Tetra nagged.

DED: Whiny bitch.

>>“I can’t see anything yet,

Malon: “...I haven’t opened my eyes!”

>>are you sure the damn thing did sting you?” Link asked.
“Of course it bloody did!” Tetra responded

DED: “Responded?” That’s kind of, I don’t know, understating it a little?

>>“Do you think I would be making all this fuss for nothing,

Link: Yeah...that sounds like something you would do.

>>or what, do you think I’m doing this just to show you my ass?”

Zelda: Well, realistically, it’s hard to believe she’s totally incapable of touching her own butt herself.

Link: Now I gotta try it. (stands up, starts trying to touch every part of his own butt)

DED: God, there’s something I had hoped I’d die without seeing...

>>“Well are you?” Link soon flinched

Malon: Link would make a bad doctor.

Zelda: “Well, I don’t SEE any cervical cancer...are you just trying to get me to look at your vag or what?”

Link: “’Cause you can just ask. I’ll do it.”

>>when he realized what he had just said.

DED: Experiments have established that the delay between Link’s mouth making words and Link’s brain comprehending what he said is about four seconds.

>>Tetra then turned to face him again, but with a look of shock on her face “What is that supposed to mean?” She asked sternly.

Link: “Well, it means I subconsciously think you’re a dirty slut who’d fake injuries just for the chance to disrobe in front of...I’m not helping my case, am I?”

>>“I’m sorry I didn’t mean that…” Link’s attempt to apologies

Malon: THE PAIN!

>>was cut of by Tetra again.

Link: Bitch cut me off!

>>“You listen too me, I am not a…!”

DED: “...crook!”

>>With out finishing her sentence Tetra then turned back again face the wall,

Zelda: Leaving us to forever ponder what she was going to say next.

DED: “I am not a...waffle iron?”

Link: “...radial saw?”

Malon: “...subatomic particle?”

Zelda: And indeed, all of those things are true.

>>trying not to show that she was hurt by Link’s comment.

Link: Critical hit!

DED: It’s super-effective!

>>Link could see that she was upset and tried his best to apologies

Malon: GAH! WHY, WHY?

DED: Ha ha, I have outwitted you once again, spellcheck! Your valiant efforts to improve my writing are in vain!

>>“Tetra I’m sorry, I never meant to say that about you.

Zelda: “I could never find you sexually attractive, honest!”

>>I just didn’t think.

DED: And this is an exception to the rules now?

>>I’ll leave if that’s what you want me to do?”
“No don’t!

Malon: Slutcakes.

Link: I’d eat ‘em.

>>Just finish what you were doing and then leave.”

DED: “Okay...” *fapfapfap*

>>Hearing a bit of calmness in Tetra’s voice Link turned his attention again to her butt,

Zelda: Oh, sure, as if it had ever left.

>>still feeling nervous of having it so up close too his face.

DED: Well, how close does your face have to BE?

Malon: No wonder Tetra’s upset.

>>Still, he could not see the insect bite anywhere

Zelda: Well geez, try harder!

DED: It’s funny how Tetra can’t seem to point it out to him.

Link: “Where is it?” “Oh, right here, where I’m feeling all this BLINDING PAIN...”

Malon: Hey, could a small bug sting all the way through two layers of cloth, anyway?

DED: Good question. Too bad there’s no answer.

>>and so finally he decided that he would need a closer look,

Zelda: He gets out a microscope to examine her butt on the cellular level.

Malon: He gets an electron microscope to examine her butt on the atomic level.

DED: He gets a book by Schrödinger to examine her butt on the quantum level.

>>and without even giving any warning he grabbed her ass with both hands

Link: Why does he need both hands? Is it that hard?

>>and pulled it wide apart, revealing more of what lay under her underwear.

Zelda: Strictly necessary, I suppose.

>>As expected, Tetra yelled at him in protest. “What the bloody hell are you doing?

Malon: Yeah, honestly, I’d like to know.

>>I warned you what would happen if you tried any thing.”
DED: ...and your ham-burgers and your French-fried-potatoes and your electronic-mail and your inter-nets...

>>“Will you be quiet for the Gods sake? All you ever do is nag and whine.

Link: It’s like erotic Andy Capp.

>>I can’t see the damn thing so I need to take a closer.

Zelda: Look.

>>Now shut the hell

Malon: Up.

>>and let me get on with it! Tetra then went silent,

Link: You show that bitch.

>>not sure if she should be surprised or impressed that Link would answer back at her like that.

Zelda: “Well I’ll be damned. Guess your balls reappeared.”

>>Link however continued with the task at hand.

DED: It’s really quite impressive that he’s able to maintain focus.

>>As his hands firmly grasped her buttocks

Malon: Uh, why would he need to do that?

DED: “Umm...I’m checking for tumors!”

Link: Cancer of the ass. What a way to go.

>>he began to notice how soft and smooth her flesh felt,

Malon: What was he expecting, The Mummy?

DED: She musth use moithturither.

>>he was somewhat surprised that someone who lived a life of a pirate could still have such beautiful skin.

Zelda: “He had an unsettling feeling that somehow, logic and reason were being circumvented in the name of eroticism...”

Link: Ha ha ha, “cir-cum-vented.”

>>He gave her ass another good look over

Malon: Let it never be said that he isn’t thorough.

>>and soon realized how firm and curvy it was “Wow!”

DED: “Wow!”

Link: “Super-terrific!”

>>he thought “For someone I thought was a Hard-Ass, she sure dose have a cute ass.”

Zelda: Ha ha ha ha HA ha ha HA HA HA ha HA ha ha ha ha ha HA?!?!

>>His mind went suddenly back to what Senza had said back at the island

Malon: “Suddenly he was back, back in the ‘Nam with the jungle all around him, pressing in hotly and his squad breathing hard... ‘CHARLIE, INBOUND!’ yelled one man, and then all hell broke loose.”

>>“We are sure to find some ‘pirate booty’!”

DED: To be fair, he really didn’t “find” it.

>>The words pirate booty just echoed through his mind as he realized the perverted irony of it.
Link: That’s the best kind of irony!

>>“Ahem!” Tetra went,

Zelda: Went? WENT?!?

Malon: Seriously!

>>bringing him back to reality.

DED: A dimension not of sight or sound, but of...smut.

>>He cleared his mind of it and tried to finish quickly. As he stared at the part of her panties

Zelda: Sounds like a mystery novel.

Link: Whaaaat?

>>covering what nearly half the crew would give a chest full treasure to see

DED: Nearly, MORE than half wouldn’t be interested?

Malon: Well, they ARE sailors.

>>(including himself he now thought)

DED: Porn is not really a wise investment, especially when we’re talking about chestfuls of treasure.

Link: Speaking from experience, I’m sure.

>>his eyes caught sight of something.

Malon: “Heeeeyy...there’s a chick here with her ass in my face!”

>>He pulled her butt slightly further apart

Zelda: Rapidly followed by the entire rest of her body, splitting like a peapod down the middle in a spray of gore.

DED: This took an unpleasant turn.

>>and could then see the edges of some red swelling on her left buttock, under her underwear.

Link: Sooo...this little bug went THROUGH her pants, THROUGH her underwear, flew INSIDE her rectum, and stung her, without her noticing?

>>“I think I’ve found it,”

Malon: “Eureka!”

DED: “By Jove, he’s got it!”

>>he told her “But you are not going to be happy.

Link: “Woe and misery to you, yea, unto the seventh generation!”

>>The sting is under your underwear

Zelda: So, these are apparently the rare and deadly armor-piercing-stinger wasps.

>>and if I’m going to treat it I’ll have to pull them down just too do it.”
Tetra was silent for a moment

DED: No doubt pondering the philosophical ramifications.

>>before answering “Well if it can’t be helped,”

Malon: It’s terminal.

>>she grumbled “Do it, but just pull them down a little alright.”

DED: You know what they say, “if you give ‘em an inch, they’ll rape your virgin asshole.”

>>Taking one final gulp,

Zelda: Oh, good, he’s dying.

>>Link then grabbed the top of her underwear and slowly pulled them down her smooth ass. Seeing areas of her butt he never thought he would ever see

Malon: Oh, come now. Dream big.

Link: Shoot for the moon. Because even if you miss, you’ll get to see some girl’s ass.

>>caused him to finally start sweating.
“Hey!! That’s far enough you jerk,” Tetra screamed, realizing now how close her ass hole

DED: …And your Enter-tainment-Weekly and your Beta-max-tape-recording-devices and your Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism Act of 2001…

was to being shown.

Zelda: Now playing in select theaters.

DED: I think I know which ones.

>>“You pull them down any further and your shark bait.” She threatened.

Link: I don’t understand. Will some sort of miraculous transmogrification take place?

DED: No, there’s an implied intermediate step between “pulling down” and “becoming shark bait.”

>>“I can almost see it. Just need to pull them down a bit more.”
This is so embarrassing,” Tetra moaned “Why the hell am I letting you do this any way?”

Malon: A valid line of inquiry.

>>Link not bothering to answer

Zelda: Yes, when it comes to sex, Link shoots first and asks questions later.

DED: Heh.

Zelda: IF you know what I mean. And I think you do.

DED: Uh huh.

Zelda: I mean ejaculation.

DED: Right.

>>continued to pull them down till finally he could see a huge swollen red mark on the right side of her left buttock.

Link: I question how an insect could have become so specially evolved to attack the human anus.

Malon: An argument in favor of intelligent design, perhaps?

DED: And, perforce, an argument that God is a dirty old man.

>>Unfortunately, in pulling her underwear down he soon realized that something else on Tetra’s butt could be seen; Tetra’s tight anus.

Zelda: Well I’ll be damned.

Link: You learn something new every day.

>>Link’s face went red as he stared at her dirty dark crevice

DED: It’s like Kill Bill.

Malon: Like staring into the vastness of space.

>>for the first time trying not to drool or gape.

Zelda: So…all the other times, he just stood there drooling like a slack-jawed retard.

>>He then felt something stirring down in his pants

Link: “You are one...ugly...motherfucker...”

DED: *alien chitterings*

>>and as he looked down he managed not to yelp as he could see his dick was now getting erect

Malon: Wow. He must really annoy his roommates when he wakes up with morning wood and starts yelping.

>>from the sight of it.
“Oh Shit!!” he thought panicking

DED: Really. Panic, eh?

>>“If she turns around and sees this I’m as good as dead!”

Link: Violent murder of her subordinates is what got her where she is today.

>>He looked back at Tetra who was trying to keep a straight face at her embarrassing predicament. Link decided to say something quick

Zelda: “Well hey it’s your sphincter I mean what nothing what?”

>>before she realized something “Good news, I can see the sting”

DED: Choirs of seraphim descend from a part in the clouds from which light undiluted pours in a glorious torrent.

>>“Yeah, and I also know what else you can damn well see!

Malon: There are many things he can see. I mean, provided he isn’t blind.

Link: The rising sun on a cold winter’s morning, the smile of a baby, the last dying gaze of a loved one as he passes into that good night...all this and more Link could see.

>>Tetra nagged “Hurry and put that damn stuff on and get out of my cabin or my boot will give your ass a taste of what mine is feeling.”
Link fidgeted with the ointment

Zelda: God, the word “ointment” was already the filthiest word in the English language, and now it gets worse.

>>lid trying to pull it off while still trying to get over seeing Tetra’s ass hole.

DED: Calm down, dude. I’m sure if I saw, let’s say, MY boss’s asshole, I’d...well...umm...

Link: ...yeah.

>>He managed to pull it off and smeared a huge glob of the stuff on too two of his left hand fingers.

DED: Ooh, so close. It ALMOST didn’t sound like it was written by someone with an extra chromosome.

Link: Hey, man, it’s hard to say something like “onto two of.” Oh, wait, no, I lied, it’s trivially easy.

>>With his heart beating like it never had before

Zelda: he had just been animated from clay or what?

Rauru: Speaking of hearts failing to beat...

DED: Rauru’s back! Oh, the humanity! Oh, huge manatee!

Rauru: It was cool. They replaced my heart with a biomechanical robot heart with the power of a hundred men.

Malon: Does this mean I can leave?

DED: Do you have to? It’s so nice to have you here for a change. Especially after all the terrible things we said about you.

Malon: Wait, what?

DED: Nothing. Off you go.

Malon: Okay, bye! See you guys later!

Link: Bye.

DED: To be fair, Zelda, Malon was impeccably polite.

>>he took a deep breath and one final look at her butt hole

Rauru: So, what’re we reading here? The epic tale of a hero in a strange land, fighting to keep the tides of evil from destroying all he knows and loves?

Link: No, we’re up to our usual impeccable standards regarding our choice of reading.

Rauru: The thrilling saga of a grizzled volcanologist who doesn’t play by the rules, who, with the help of his adorable young protegé, fights off a horde of volcano-born monstrosities while swinging on many a convenient rope?

DED: No, Rauru. Think. What has EVERY SINGLE OTHER ONE we’ve ever read been about?

Rauru: The heartwarming tale of a talking goldfish and a talking muskrat, separated from their owners, who make an incredible journey across America to reunite with their joyful masters?

Zelda: Jesus Christ, Rauru, just shut up! It’s about Link smearing ointment in this chick’s anus!

Rauru: ...oh. That’s not any of the things I said.

>>as he nervously rubbed the ointment on the swelling.
Soon the cool gel began to ease the pain on Tetra’s sore ass

DED: Fast-acting.

Zelda: Quick relief.

>>“Oh gods Link that feels good,” she softly moaned

Rauru: Hmm...feels so good...softly moaned...I think we’re heading back towards familiar territory.

Link: Yeah, all that setting and characters and plot was really scaring me for a moment there.

>>“Keep it up and I may not kick your ass for looking at mine.”

DED: Truly, this author is the Oscar Wilde of internet fan-service porn.

>>The ointment worked well as the swelling began to slowly go down, but for Link his swollen dick did not.

Link: I hear if you put Vick’s Vapo-Rub on your dick it gets bigger.

DED: You’re forgetting to mention that it burns and tingles the whole time, but yeah, I think that’s plausible. I mean, Vapo-Rub enlarges the blood vessels that constrict blood flow when you have a headache, so, logically...

Link: I didn’t ask for a fuckin’ doctoral thesis. Just tell me if it’ll kill me.

DED: Well, no, but you probably don’t...

Link: Yeeee-haw! Zelda, you’re in for a slippery, pine-smelling, headache-relieving good time tonight!

Zelda: Not in a jillion years.

>>The sting was just a few inches away from her butt hole and rubbing his wet slippery fingers in a circular motion next to it didn’t help his predicament either.

Link: “THIS wasn’t in my job description!”

>>Any close he thought and his fingers covered in the moist cream would easily slide deep in to her virgin ass hole.

Rauru: Yeah, com pound words are over rated.

DED: ...and their ketchup-sauce and their flash-lights and their Chee-tos-brand-snack-food-items...

>>This disturbed him a little

Zelda: Well, shit, it disturbs me...

>>as he was a bit aroused by the thought of actually doing it.

Rauru: Hey, man, you do what you gotta do. Me, I get aroused by turkey. With stuffing, and some gravy, and mashed potatoes, and maybe a souflée of some sort, and Heavenly Ham, and Chthonic Chicken...

DED: Whoa, Chthonic Chicken? That’s, like, something would say. Where’d you learn “chthonic?”

Rauru: Duh. From Chthonic Chicken. It’s like Heavenly Ham, but with chicken.

DED: Oh. Figures.

>>Another perverted thought was to simply spread her anus wide open and out of curiosity look inside.

Link: He doesn’t know what he’ll see? Does he even HAVE the Internet on that there pirate ship?

>>He suddenly felt appalled with him self and a bit of a creep

Zelda: Link finally figures out what everyone else has known for ages.

>>for thinking of it “Why the hell am I thinking these things,

Rauru: That is an excellent question.

>>I mean she farts and shits out of that cute…” he then paused as that thought stirred his perversion even more

DED: HMMMmmmmmmmmmmmbuttsecks?

>>“Oh Gods am I actually getting aroused thinking of that?”

Link: I can picture it now. At the end of the story, there’s a scene where Link gives the bug a sack of money, and goes, “Thanks man. Worked like a charm.”

>>As he felt he had hit a new low

Rauru: Welcome to my universe.

>>his mind drifted

DED: He become unmoored from...

Link: Oh, for God’s sake, please. Every, fucking, time.

DED: Hey. Crapface. Ever heard of a running gag?

Link: Yeah, I’ve heard of it being run into the wall, and then it being ground in until it’s an unrecognizable powder.

Zelda: Come on, guys. Let’s let the hostility go. I mean, just look at me. I’ve totally forgotten why I was mad at Link. It was something...about...OH GOD! Link’smoronocity is starting to corrupt my brain! Why...can’t...I...think...straaaaaaiiiggghhhtttt...

Link: That’s great, honeykitten!

Zelda: Yeah...I guess it is.

>>and he lost focus of what he was doing.

Rauru: This conversation is a good reference point.

>>A slight misdirection of his fingers caused them to slide a bit too far to the right and with out realizing it they slid deep in to her anus.

Rauru: Hmm. Maybe I died on the operating table, and this is hell.

DED: ‘Fraid not.

>>Tetra screamed in shock

Zelda: Well, it can’t be that surprising.

>>as she could feel two of Link’s fingers were inserted in to her ass “Gyaaah!

Link: “Super Kung-Fu Whirlwind Vortex Tornadocane Kick Ultimate GYAAAAAAH!”

>>What the fuck are you doing you piece of shit!” never in her life had she been so pissed, shocked and violated.

Rauru: Or as I like to say, pisshockolated.

DED:’s like you’re fucking my ear.

Rauru: Like I’m pisshockolating it?

>>And it was by someone she secretly was glad to have as part of her crew “Get your fucking fingers out of there now.”

Zelda: That sentence has a very strange sort of denouement. Like, “Oh holy fucking shit, please get your fucking fingers out of there now, if you’d be so kind.”

>>Link who had been just as disturbed of this happening as she was tried hard to pull them out,

DED: Um...tried?

>>but the cream on his fingers had started to loose their moist substance and had now started to turn sticky.

Rauru: That’s why you should always read the label on the bottle thoroughly.

Zelda: “Let’s see here...ohh, it says ‘Doctor Feelgood’s Anti-Ass-Sting Cream’ but then in real small letters under that it says ‘And Industrial Adhesive.’”

>>He tried his best to pull them out but being stuck in Tetra’s tight little butt hole made it a hard chore to do.

Link: Wow. That’s a

DED: She must work out.

>>“Get them out Link! Get them out!”


>>she screamed even more as the slight pain

Rauru: Slight pain? What the hell is she screaming about?

>>caused her to move her ass in a vain attempt to get them out her self.

Link: This is...this...really...should not be that hard.

>>“Keep still will you, it’s stuck tight in there,”

Zelda: Urghrgg...


>>Link’s free right hand grabbed her ass and he pushed hard on it to free his stuck hand.

DED: This is...ght...arghklg...this is like some kind of...perverted Winnie the Pooh.

Zelda: W...what in the hell are you talking about?

DED: Pooh is always getting stuck in a stump or whatever? Look, it’s all I can think of. The alternative is thinking about what I just read.

Zelda: Fair enough.

>>He then twisted and jiggled his stuck fingers.


>>This only caused more discomfort for Tetra as her head hit the mattress of her bed

DED: You know, as opposed to the mattress that she keeps on the ceiling.

Zelda: That wasn’t funny.


>>while her ass still stood up. “No don’t twist you fingers damn it, its making it worse,” tears began to role down her face

Link: I...I can’t even make fun of that. I just...can’t.

Zelda: This must be what dying feels like.

>>and she felt weak and insecure

Rauru: Join the club.

>>of having her dark crevice probed.

DED: The grammar errors are almost...comforting.

>>But then something unexpected happened.

Zelda: From the producers of “Squeeky and the Mudge” and “A Very Sequential Christmas,” comes a comedy for the whole family! She was a saucy pirate captain, he was a witless lackey. But then one them a curveball.

DED: Just stop right there.

Rauru: I hardly see how what we’re watching could be “for the whole family.”

Link: ...and who’s this witless lackey guy you’re talking about?

>>She began to feel something else brewing in her ass.

RauruAssenbraü, the rich Bavarian lager that’s brewed in...OH GOD, WHY DID I EVEN START SAYING THAT?

>>It wasn’t pain but pleasure she thought.

DED: Ayyyup.

>>She was feeling pleasure for having her ass fingered, and she was enjoying it.

Link: Who enjoys pleasure? I mean, seriously.

>>She then felt something else happen as well.

Zelda: Black tendrils of madness erupted from planes unspeakable.

DED: Hajighawawhat?

>>Just beneath her anus her womanhood began to get hot and drip wet as it was now getting stimulated.

Rauru: You know, vis-à-vis pluribus unum and whatnot.

>>This new sensation was a whole new experience for her, one she did not fully understand.

Link: Ain’t it always.

>>A sudden twist of Link’s fingers caused a slight grunt too escape her lips.

Zelda: To be fair, Link isn’t exactly handling this in a dignified manner.

DED: Zelda, honey, when you’re up to your knuckles in someone’s anus, dignity has left the building.

Zelda: I’m sure the American Proctologist Society would have something to say about that.

DED: I’m sure they would.

>>“Why? Why is this happening to me?”

Link: “Oh cruel harlot Fate! A thousand times I curse your name!”


>>she thought to her self

DED: ...carbon-paper and their personal-computing-devices and their Apple-brand-i-POD-music-replayment-machines and their anti-lock-brakes...

Link: Will you ever stop?

DED: Only death can stay my hand!

Link: Oh. That shouldn’t be a problem.

>>“Why am I feeling this way? I feel I must…

Rauru: “Must...resist...must...speak...without...pronouns...”

>>Oh gods please no,”

Zelda: Come on. Say it like you mean it.

>>In her mind she was telling herself not too, but her body said differently.

Link: It’s about time the body got to have a say in things.

>>Her hand slowly moved between her legs and her fingers slid under her panties towards her boiling sex.

Rauru: Okay, so I can understand hyperbole enhancing the tone. just sounds unpleasant.

DED: What if I went around doing that all the time? “Boy, these sandwiches are great! It’s like I’m biting into a scalding white-hot lump of pure molten joy!”

Link: Well, you know what they say, a watched sex never boils.

DED: ...God dammit, Link, you totally missed the point again.

Link: Yeah. I’m awesome like that.

>>The moment they touched her she gasped as a new pleasure of ecstasy

Zelda: The Institute for Higher Redundancy Institute would like to award you a grant.

>>rippled through her body and for the first time with out thinking it she began massaging her self.

RauruYo, fuck compound words.

Link: I feel that.

>>She closed her eyes tight and let out a soft moan,

Zelda: The moan by its very nature seems to me to be something difficult to do quietly.

DED: I know, it’s like she let out a deafening whisper.

Link: All I can think of when I read the word “moan” are the moans of the stumbling dead, creeping ever closer as they bear their dull, rotting fangs.


Link: Their desiccated arms stretching forth, dirty broken nails clawing my flesh, gaping maws closing around the neck...

Zelda: Are you all right?

Link: DO YOU FUCKING THINK I’M ALL RIGHT? You try having you jugular torn out by a Redead while you stand paralyzed, dropping to the ground and bleeding out your life, only to have a fairy revive you to repeat the agony! YOU FUCKING TELL ME HOW IT FEELS!

DED: Whoa.

Link: I mean, what? I’m fine. Everyone’s fine.

Zelda: I...I had no idea you felt that way. I th...

Link: What way?

Zelda: Never mind...

>>her whole body started to feel warm and she started to sweat

RauruSooo...erotic sensations are a lot like having malaria?

Zelda: Yeah, man. Malaria is the shit. You should go and, like, contract it right now.

>>as the new sensation took a hold of her.

Link: It’s the new sensation!

>>She rubbed her hand in circular motions on her wet hot sex and her moans and breathing became more sensual.

DED: Shameful, really, these girls breathing like little jail-bait cockteasers. Their parents ought to do something.

>>She soon started panting as her fingers found her pearl like clitoris

Zelda: Yes, like a pearl, Tetra’s clitoris is often dived for. Ooooooh!

Link: And like a pearl, Tetra’s clitoris is made by an irritated oyster.

Zelda: Yghtghyou lose, Link.

>>and she then entered a new state of bliss.

DED: A dimension not of sight or sound, but of...

Rauru: Have you thought of any new jokes?

DED: I’m out.

>>As she lost her self in her own little world of self pleasure

Zelda: Welcome to my life.

>>she forgot one very important thing;

Link: Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line?

Zelda: Never start a land war in Asia?

Rauru: Put the cereal in first, THEN the milk?

>>she wasn’t alone in her cabin.

DED: Oh. AWK-ward...

Zelda: In a way, we are never truly alone.

DED: ...the fuck is THAT supposed to mean?

Zelda: I dunno. I thought I’d try out one of your lines.

>>Link who had still been trying to free his fingers from her ass


Link: WOOO!


>>suddenly stopped what he was doing.

Zelda: I say!

>>At first he was confused

DED: As is ever the case.

Link (confused): …what?

>>by her sudden actions, then taken by surprise

Link: I believe I said before that no one surprises Link, no matter how sudden their actions are.

Zelda: Hey, Link, the Amazon river lets seven million cubic feet of water into the ocean per second.


>>and disbelief as watched her hand slid in to her underwear


Rauru: Come on, it’s just a missing “e.”

DED: It is an attack on grammar and, by extension, an attack on me personally.

>>towards the wet mark that had formed there

Zelda: Gotta watch out for that. Hydroplaning and all.

Link: Yeah, and black ice. That sucks. This one time I was driving my green Ferrari through the Adirondacks at ninety-five miles per hour at three in the morning while drinking cream sherry right from the bottle and I hit this patch of black ice and crashed and got thrown through the windshield and kind brained my damage and my insurance was all, “Nooooo, you can’t CLAAAAIM that,” and I was like...

Zelda: That’s more than adequate. You can stop now.

Link: Right right.

>>and begin to rub her hidden vagina.

Rauru: Crouching finger, hidden vagina.

DED: Dude, that movie is like a million years old. Those jokes aren’t funny any more.

Link: Although that was moderately clever.

>>Her moans and sudden grunts made his heart beat like hell

Zelda: Really. So. His heart, in his chest, was beating in a manner befitting the demesne of Lucifer himself, the Antichrist, and his manifold minions.

Rauru: That’s what it says.

>>and her butt jiggling caused his pulse to rise like never before.

DED: Like NEVER BEFORE! With THESE prices, we must be CRAZY!

Zelda: We must be.

>>His right hand that had been grasping her right buttock

Link: Well, that seems natural enough.

>>soon released its grasp and as if by it self

RauruGah, too many of those words have only two letters.

DED: It’s like, is this person a religious fanatic who doesn’t believe in compound words?

>>began to move towards his still erect penis which had now grown longer and was nearly tearing through his trousers just to get out.

RauruWow, that creeps me right the fuck out.

Zelda: It’s like Jormungandr the World-Serpent.

Link: Yeah, that’s one thing I call it.

>>He knew what he was going to do and he didn’t care as much as she cared what she was doing.

Rauru: You know, I’ve finally given up. I’m just going to lie back and let the waves of bizarreness wash over me. Yes, that sentence makes no sense. But what does make sense in this crazy world? I embrace the madness! It’s so refreshing.

DED: No, Rauru! Do not go gently into that good night!

>>But then Tetra turned her head towards him and looked him in the eyes and his hand stopped where it was.

Link: Yeah, that would stop me.

>>The look on Tetra’s face was not filled with embarrassment or anger but that of desperation

Zelda: Um…I’m not entirely sure that going from anger to desperation is what you’d call progress.

>>as her hand still rubbed her wetness.

DED: And my soul from out that wetness that lies floating on the floor, shall be lifted---nevermore!

Link: GOD, what a nerd.

>>There was only one thing she had to say to Link.
“Don’t stop Link! Please keep doing that!”

Rauru: No, no, that’s two things.

>>There was no come-back or sense of reasoning

Zelda: Yeah, but is there ever?

Link: Um...oh yeah? mom is there ever!

Zelda: My mom is dead.

Link: ...oh. Right. *awkward silence*

>>or hesitation in Link’s mind.

DED: What IS in Link’s mind, anyway?

Rauru: Dust, probably.

Zelda: No, no, he has lots of stuff in his mind. Just...none of it makes sense.

Link: I think I have, like, Tootise Rolls in my mind. The green kind. Yeah! You know those fruit-flavored Tootsie Rolls? Those are the fuckin’ shit.

Rauru: Hells yeah, yo, hells yeah!

Zelda: Yeah, I guess those are pretty good. Like, when I was God, WHAT THE HELL AM I TALKING ABOUT? I gotta get out of the house!

>>He just did what he she had asked

DED: Ah, this is the advantage of having sex with people who are on your payroll.

Link: So, like, hiring a prostitute?

DED: guess...

>>and with that his hand hard slapped her buttock

Zelda: Wow, Faulknerian.

DED: And with that he done up and hard slapped her buttock like she was a Jersey cow which’n Ma telled me not to touch but I done touched anyhow and then she was a-yellin’ and the grass was soft ‘n green and the crik’ts was sayin’ a-like reeeereeeereeee...

>>making her squeal a bit as he grabbed it like a desperate hungry man

Link: Um, assuming you’re desperately hungry for human buttock.

Rauru: Flank steak. It would be flank steak.

Link: ...have you thought a lot about this?

Rauru: Well...I’ve eaten every other living thing in the world. Human is the final frontier.

Link: Yeah. Good luck with that.

DED: You will taste MAN-FLESH!!!

>>and his fingers in her butt prodded and twisted

Zelda: Proctolorotica.

DED: That’s ONE word for it...

>>as he probed her never regions like never before.

Rauru: Well, seeing as how they’re her never regions, I guess that would make sense.

Link: Isn’t that where Peter Pan takes Wendy?

DED: Oh, God, don’t even talk about that in this context.

>>Tetra was then thrown back in to her little world again.

Zelda: A howling tear in the fabric of natural law opened, hurtling Tetra across time and space...

>>As her butt was once again being prodded she then rubbed her self

Rauru: Really. Her whole self, eh?

DED: Really, with the era of digital identities and dubious psychology, who can say what is truly one’s real self?

>>more vigorously and her panting and moaning

Link: Why do women always moan? I mean, guys don’t make that much noise unless they really try, but women are always yelling like howler monkeys on Benzedrine.

DED: Maybe guys just learn to be quiet from many sessions of jackin’ it without waking their roommates up.

Zelda: Really.

DED: Well, not that I would...know...anything...about...anything...

>>became more load and quick, her other remaining hand then slid under the bottom of her shirt

Link: Another thing is the way they always describe people’s body parts acting independently of the person they belong to. People’s hands and arms and things are always going all over the place.

>>and she grasped her ample breast

Zelda: You know what’s synonymous with “ample?”

DED: Yes, probably.

Zelda: “Sufficient.”

DED: That is true.

Zelda: Try substituting “sufficient” for “ample” whenever you see it.

Link: Uh...what are you talking about?

Zelda: Just making conversation.

>>and her fingers rubbed her sensitive nipple.

Rauru: Fingers would be the logical things to use to rub, I guess.

>>She grabbed her bed blanket

Link: They have BED blankets now?

>>with her teeth and bit as hard as she could. She felt so alive

Rauru: And so the rest of her life was, by comparison, a bleak, desolate nothingness from which there was no escape.

>>and never wanted it to end.

DED: I’m sure that somewhere around the billionth year you’d get pretty sick of it.

>>But then she felt a build up of some kind in her

Zelda: She’s got a build-up in her rectum? Oh, damn, I didn’t need to know that!

>>and before she new it she let go of the blanket, raised her head up and let out a huge scream

DED: Uh huh, a real Pavarotti.

>>as she came for the first time.

Link: Ahh, yes. You always remember your first time. Except, one would hope, in this case.

Rauru: No...I’m pretty sure I’ll be taking this mental image with me to the grave.

>>Cum just poured out of her vagina

DED: Poured. Just poured. Like a summer rain.

Zelda: Wow.

>>and soaked her hand and underwear as she experienced her first orgasm.

Rauru: Someday, when they’re married, and have grandkids, they’ll sit on the porch rocking on their rocking chairs and remember their first time.

Link: And their grandchildren will be scarred for life.

>>At the same time her anus had opened up

DED: For as little as five cents per day, you can fund a starving orphan. Come on. Open up.

>>and Link’s fingers finally came out

Zelda: Oh, thank God.

>>smeared in the sticky substance of the ointment gel and the other dirtier things of her rectum.

Rauru: It’s like...there’s repulsive, and then there’s beyond repulsive, and then there’s so unbelievably repulsive that it feels like jagged metal nails of repulsiveness are being pounded into your brain by a horde of shrieking banshees.

DED: And then there’s this story.

>>As he used his hanky from his pocket to rub clean his fingers he looked back at Tetra who laid flat on the bed half conscious

Rauru: I really, really hope that bee sting was some kind of neurotoxin that erases your memory of the next three hours after you’re stung. I mean, otherwise...

Zelda: They’re in for some awkward staff meetings.

Link: “Hey, Tetra, want to have our own private little ‘staff’ meeting?”

Zelda: *double-take*

>>with her eyes shut as she breathed deeply,

DED: I think they quietly dropped this particular position from the yoga breathing classes.

>>her butt stood up

Rauru: I pledge allegiance, to the flag...

>>with her anus still gaping open

Link: Oh, bleechGeez, it’s not like he was cramming a grapefruit in there or something...

>>revealing small globs of the ointment in it, now drying and turning brittle.

Zelda: “Oh, wait, what does this say? ‘Not for internal use...or you will die.’ Huh. I wonder what that means.”

>>What ever small feelings he had had for her were stronger now than they had ever been.

Rauru: Uh huh. If anyone could see THAT and not fall in love, they’re cold as ice.

Link: I think all great romances---Antony and Cleopatra, Tristan and Isolde, Romeo and Juliet---are, in some way, founded on the basis of the scrutiny of the lower bowel.

DED: *hands over ears* There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s...

>>That was it, he was in love with her and he wanted to tell her that.

Zelda: That TEARS it!

Link: See? There are some things you just can’t get when you date on-line.

DED: I’m not aware of, “Enjoys it when people wiggle their fingers in my rectum” being on ANY of the leading on-line singles sites.

>>As he approached the bed she opened her eyes stood up

Rauru: What?!? Now her eyes are standing up?

>>and looked at him.

Zelda: “If you tell ANYONE about this, I will toss your GUTS like a freakin’ SALAD, comprende?”

>>All that had just happened came back to her and she suddenly

DED: ...screamed. And screamed, and screamed, and screamed, screams of raw, undiluted horror, and didn’t stop.

>>felt something new for him. It wasn’t shock or disgust, it wasn’t shame or embarrassment.

Rauru: It was more outrage, with a light anger glaze and a dusting of despair, with a side salad of mixed confusion and nausea.

Link: No, this time it was something far, far worse. Something primal and terrifying. An emotion that plumbed the depths of the unthinkable.

>>She didn’t want to hate him or hurt him, and she didn’t want to loathe him or despise him.

DED: Wow, really? I for one am surprised.

>>All she wanted was to love him.

Zelda: Take me now, my gastroenterologist lover!

>>She looked at him standing with a look as if he wanted to get something off his chest.

Link: “Could you take a look at this thing on my chest? I thought it was just a blister but it’s not going away and it’s starting to smell.”

>>All she could do was to start crying

DED: That’s more the reaction I would expect.

>>and launch her self at him

Zelda: T-minus 10 seconds and counting...nine...eight...

>>with her arms open screaming his name “Link!”

Link: Uh, well, yes, that is my name.

DED: Let no one fault this story on accuracy.

>>He himself reached out and grabbed her.

RauruAbra, abracadabra! I wanna r...

Zelda: If you continue, I will no longer be responsible for my actions.

Rauau: ...oh.

>>As they both embraced each they did for the first time look deeply


Link: Why? It’s like not the time this is for the first bad grammar see.

>>in to each others eyes and with out saying a word,

DED: ...and your cotton-balls and your nap-kins and your Walk-Mans and your laser-disks...

>>they locked lips with one another and shared their first kiss.

Zelda: You know, the conventional order of business is to fall in love, share first kiss, and THEN explore one another’s deepest sexual fetishes.

>>As Link savored the soft tender touch of Tetra’s lips, she nudged his mouth open and slid her tongue in too his mouth.

DED: ...and your wind-shield-wipers and your rocking-chairs and your Sirius-brand-satellite-radio-sound-transmission-devices...

>>Link followed her lead and both were now lashing their tongues about

Rauru: Like a sack fulla puppies...

>>in each others mouths.

Zelda: Well, that makes sense.

>>After what seamed like an eternity they broke apart

Link: Yeah, yeah, when I’m with you time stands still, don’t think you’re so special.

>>but still held each other.

Rauru: Oh. I thought electromagnetic repulsion would have flung them to opposite sides of the room.

>>“I love you Tetra,” Link said, finally admitting it.

DED: He’s easily swayed.

>>“And I love you too you little pervert,”
“Little pervert?”

Zelda: Metal Gear?

Link: Metal Gear. A nuclear-powered tank.

Zelda: Nuclear-powered tank?

DED: Repeat dialogue to provide exposition?

>>“Oh come on Link, I know what’s been going through your mind. I can feel it prodding me below.”

Rauru: She can FEEL his MIND prodding her?

>>Link looked down and gulped

DED: Zoinks!

>>when he saw his penis was still hard and poking Tetra

Zelda: Ha ha ha, that makes me laugh.

>>just above her crotch. H looked back at her and tried to come up with an excuse

Rauru: “Daeeeedurrr...duhhhh...”

>>before she got pissed at him again. But luckily all she had on her face was a seductive smirk

Link: Really? No eyes or nose or anything?

DED: Well, that and a little smudge of chocolate sauce. Over it.

>>“I think it’s only fair I get to see it, Don’t you?”

Rauru: Hey, I’m not on trial here!

DED: Oh, man. I thought that would never end.

Zelda: Can we please just agree that this never happened?

Link: That what never happened?

Zelda: This story.

Link: What story?

Zelda: Okay. Very funny.

Link: What’s funny? What’s going on?!? I AM UNMOORED FROM REALITY FOREVER!

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