Friday, July 6, 2012

Classic MST: "Dragon Roost Requiem" by Ranier Rilke

Dragon Roost Requiem
by Ranier Rilke

In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space

We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:

Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “I’m a love machine!”
Rauru! “I’ve got attitude and fatitude!”
Zelda! “Cause girls just wanna have fuh-un!”
Link! “Must...obey...evil...leprechaun...”
If you don’t get how he stays alive
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!

>>Medli watched several of the younger Ritos playing

Link: Whoa, whoa, wait, what? Where? Who?

DED: Um, I think this is the Wind Waker.

Link: Oh, that. Yeah.

Zelda: So who is this “Medli?”

Link: I dunno, some bird chick...

Zelda: Is she better than me? IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE SAYING?

Link: No.


Link: I said no.


>>on one of the grassy flats of Dragon Roost. They’d made a circlet of flowers for her and in spite of their loudness generally behaved themselves under her supervision.


>>The afternoon was growing late and she knew she’d have to bring this last group of young ones inside soon.

DED: Yes, children, come with me into my cave!

>>None-the-less, she was distracted after her warm, brown eyes

Link: Warm and brown? So her eyes are like steaming piles of sh...

DED: Link, let’s just not go there, okay?

Rauru: She’s got multiple brown eyes? Geh-ross.

>>caught sight of a sail on the south-west horizon, and she began to daydream about Link.
Zelda: Oh, so it’s MUTUAL! That little BITCH! I’LL KILL HER!

Link: Zelda, Zelda, chill. You’ll have been dead for hundreds of years before she’s even born.

Zelda: So what, you’re just waiting for me to die so you can get with that TRAMP?

>>It had been a full five years since the Outset Island hero awakened her to her destiny,

Rauru: Link, you should become some kind of professional destiny-awakening-to-er.

Link: Lazy jackasses. Figure your own destinies out! I’m just a guy with a sword, not frigginNostradamus!

>>and she subsequently aided him in sealing away the evil power that threatened to overtake the world.

Link: Hooray-a for me!

>>Since that time, Link had joined with Tetra and her “pirate” group

Rauru: Um, I don’t think there’s any ambiguity about it. They were definitely pirates.

>>as they swept the seas, pacifying regions where Ganondorf’s minions still held sway.

DED: You know, I never thought about that. What happens to the minions when their boss dies? Like, Link, after you defeated Ganondorf, what happened to the hordes of monsters still sitting around? Did they just wander off?

Zelda: Most of them got jobs as ad execs. No one could tell the difference.

>>The hero came intermittently to Dragon Roost to keep in touch with the Ritos and confer with their demigod, Valoo.

Link: Ha! That’s the best you can do? We have THREE, and they’re full gods! Not half ones.

DED: Now, now, Link, we should be tolerant of all religions…

>>Link matured considerably in the meantime.

DED: Oh. Good. At least there shouldn’t be any minors involved.

Zelda: The world breathes a sigh of relief.

>>Much more well-spoken

Zelda: Oh, yeah, becoming a teenager makes your SPEAKING better.

Link: (as himself, squeaky teenager voice) “Hey Medli, wanna go to the prom with me? Heh heh snort heh...”

>>and accepting of his role to protect a still changing world,

Rauru: (as Link) “Yeah, THIS is an appropriate job for a fourteen-year-old. THANK YOU, GOD!”

>>he retained an innocent altruism and sense of honor which would not permit him to leave the helpless behind or forget old friends.

Zelda: Yeah, nice guys finish last.

>>In addition, Link’s stature more appropriately matched his outlook;

DED: Oh, well, pff, duh. Of course he’s ripped and virile.

>>taller and more muscle toned, he was still quick to smile and had a boyish face which let him get away with his occasional mischief.


Link: (smiles boyishly)

Rauru: “Well, boys will be boys. Carry on.”

>>Removing her flower circlet, Medli was aware of her own changes as well.

Zelda: Why are these stories always about young teenagers just coming into awareness of their sexuality? BOR-ING! What do THEY know? They should make stories about the people with EXPERIENCE!

Link: Well, of course, it always turns out that they happen to be kama sutra masters.

>>Attending to oracular duties with Valoo

DED: (as Medli) “So...I’m your oracle? Why don’t you just say what you want to say yourself? There’s only, like, a hundred of us. You could get our attention.”

Rauru: (as Valoo) “Look, gods just don’t work that way, all right? We are hidden and mysterious.”

DED: “But we can see you RIGHT THERE! At the top of the mountain!”

>>and caring for the children of on-duty mail carriers

Zelda: So she’s the chosen of the gods...and...a babysitter.

Link: I wonder which pays more.

>>grounded her some

Rauru: Ha ha! Bird pun.


>>and gave her a strong sense of purpose with the defeat of Ganondorf. However, they left her little time for her traditional pleasures of singing and the lyre.

Zelda: WHAT did you call me?

DED: Lyre. L-Y-R-E.

Zelda: Oh. Well, I’m not one of those either!

DED: Liar!

>>Her body had changed much more though.

Link: Oh, let me take a wild guess as to how.

>>The low cut of her dress more than hinted at the fullness of Medli’s ample breasts

DED: You know, after days of reading about Link having sex with his evil twin, and some guard humping little boys, hearing someone talk about big boobs is almost a breath of fresh air.

>>and it was short enough to leave more than half

Rauru: 57%.

>>of her pleasing thighs exposed.

Zelda: Do my thighs please you, Link?

Link: Yeah, I guess.

Zelda: Good.

Rauru: How about mine?

Link: Rauru, your thighs make me question my religion.

DED: You have a religion?

Link: No, but they make me consider getting one.

Rauru: Really? They’re not so bad...(hikes up robes to reveal what looks like a pair of albino walruses)


Rauru: (puts robes back down)

Link: Thank you.

Rauru: So am I your god now?

Link: More like my devil.

>>She still blushed a little

DED: With all the feathers? How could you tell?

>>when she noticed men admiring the distinctly feminine lines of her body.

Link: Most birds don’t have any external genitalia.

Zelda: And the point is...

Link: No embarrassing hard-ons for Rito guys.

>>Watching the young Rito’s, she glanced often toward the approaching ship which bore Tetra’s colors.

DED: It bores me too.

>>Medli sighed, hoping Link was onboard so she could see him again.

Rauru: We have our pairing.

DED: From here on out it’ll be like watching the pendulum swing ever closer.

>>She’d liked him more as friends when they were younger, but his long absences gave her time to think about all they’d done for each other.

Zelda: Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Link: Yes, but out of sight, out of mind.

Zelda: Hey, shut up!

DED: Have you ever noticed that there is a cliché to counter every other cliché? Many hands make light work, too many cooks spoil the broth…

Rauru: Silence is golden vs. the squeaky wheel gets the grease…

Link: When in Rome, do as the Romans vs. to thine own self be true…

Zelda: Never say never, but don't beat your head against the stone wall…

DED: Yeah, what’s the deal?

Link: Whoever is working at the Cliché Factory needs to be fired!

DED: Shut up.

Link: But always speak your mind, right?


Link: But hang in there, baby, right?


>>Before she knew what happened, she realized she’d fallen for the Outset Islander.

Rauru: Yeah, I hate it when I fall in love with Link at the most inconvenient times.

Link: All times are inconvenient times for your love, Rauru. Inconvenient for ME, that is.

>>Allowing herself a fantasy or two

DED: Or three or four. A day.

>>helped for a while but in the end only solidified her feelings and made her melancholy about the possibilities a relationship.

Rauru: “Long-distance” wouldn’t even begin to describe it.

>>The pirate ship pulled into the Rito Bay in languid fashion,


>>and the crew disembarked.

Link: Lemme tell ya, if I had been on a rolling ship for months, I’d disembark my lunch all over the place.

DED: Then the Wind Waker must have been hard for you.

Link: Hello, that’s not me? I’ve been dead for centuries. Get your continuity straight.

DED: So wait, there’s Wind Waker Link, OOT-Cycle Link, and Golden Age Link?

Rauru: What’s Golden Age Link?

DED: The one from the old 2-D games.

Zelda: Can someone say “Crisis on Infinite Hyrule?”

DED: Would the plural be “Hyrules” or “Hyrule”?

>>Link’s feet, in high-strapped sandals,

Link: Cool. I wish me, OOT-Cycle Link, had some sandals. These boots stink like you wouldn’t believe.

Zelda: Dude, just ask and I’ll buy you some. It comes out of taxpayer money anyway.

Link: Hyrule has taxpayers?

Zelda: Yeah, but we usually just call them serfs.

>>hit the warm sands

Rauru: What about the rest of Link?

DED: The sharks got him.

Zelda: “Here’s Link...or what’s left of him.”

>>after his men unloaded supplies and drew lots for cleaning and repairing the vessel. He’d steered to Dragon Roost instead of returning to Windfall to meet with Tetra.

DED: Yeah, screw her.

Link: She ain’t got no titties.

>>She can wait a few days, the hero thought. After all, she wasn’t the one who’d taken the new crewmembers to break them in chasing the rear of a koboblin flotilla.

Zelda: WHAT?

>>Catching sight of the “pirate” crew, Medli hurried her young charges inside

DED: Yeah, you don’t want to expose ‘em to THIS.

>>to see Link and his men enter the main hall of the Rito compound.

Rauru: Um, do you call the place you live a “compound?”

Link: I hope not.

>>She watched as he exchanged greetings with the aging chieftain and Prince Komali.

Link: “Yo.”

DED: “Word.”

Rauru: “L337est of the l337.”

DED: …your mouth makes badness.

>>“Welcome back to Dragon Roost, Link,” the prince said shaking the hero’s hand.

Zelda: “I thought we had...dealt with you. But I see we’ll have to try harder.”

>>“If we had known you were coming, we would have set up another celebration for you,” the chieftain added.

Link: “Yes, yes, I know, I’m awesome. You got any food around here?”

>>“That won’t be necessary,” Link said. “My crew is tired and is just looking for a friendly harbor.”

Rauru: “In that case *pumps 12-gauge* you picked the wroooong place.”

>>“Then, you do not intend to speak with His Holiness, Valoo?” asked the chieftain.
“No, I’d prefer to keep this a low-key visit. I do not wish to disturb Valoo this time.

Link: (as himself) “But in the morning? I intend to creep the fuck out of him.”

Zelda: I’d call banging his oracle pretty disturbing.

>>If the seas are good, there’ll be other days more worthy of your feasts and honors. Your gracious hospitality will be more than enough for now.”
“Then you shall have it,” Komali said with a confident nod.

DED: “Oh, you’ll have it all right. You’ll have more than you bargained for...ha ha…ha ha HA! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA WAAAAH HA HA HA HA HA HA!”

>>He proceeded to command several of his retainers to provide food and accommodations for Link and his sea-weary travelers.

Link: “Stupid water!”

Rauru: “Yeah, I’m so sick of your crap!”

>>As the Rito’s leapt to action, Link’s keen eyes caught sight of Medli’s shapely silhouette on one of the upper tiers.

Zelda: Yeah, that figures.

Link: Look, millions of years of evolution have made me a finely-honed seducing machine. I can’t help it!

>>She smiled and waved; Link returned the favor before starting his way up the winding stone causeway.

Rauru: Several hours later...

DED: Wait. They all can fly. Why do they need stairs?

>>Medli ushered the children back into playroom. One of the Rito elders thanked her for taking the youngsters outside before setting them to the task of cleaning the room and themselves.

Link: “Groom yourself!”

Rauru: “But I don’t want to!”

Link: “DO IT...”

>>Exiting the doorway-fissure,

DED: Um...right. I guess technically doors are fissures, in a sense. I haven’t really ever looked at it that way.

>>she bumped right into Link.

Zelda: So she watches him running up the stairs, and yet somehow manages to bump into him?

Link: What’d she do, stand right in front of him?

Zelda: Then again, Link, if it wasn’t for gravity you’d walk right into the sun.

>>She nearly fell over, but the hero’s hands caught her shoulders and steadied her.
“I’m sorry, Medli. Are you all right?”

DED: “Um, no, I think you killed me.”

>>“I’m fine, Link. Sorry, I get clumsy sometimes.”

Rauru: “I get clumsy when I’m horny. Tee hee!”

>>She smiled a little and brushed back long stands of her auburn hair.
“Well, that’s good news. It would be unfortunate if you’d come through so much unscathed only to be seriously injured by me in your own home.”

DED: Link, would you EVER say that?

Link: Nope.

Rauru: Realistic dialogue is hard!


>>At his sly grin, she clasped her hands together behind her back and rocked on her toes.

Rauru: I’m so naughty! Naughty naughty naughty!

>>“I heard you weren’t going to see His Holiness, Valoo.”
Link shook his head.

DED: What would they have to talk about, really?

Link: Also I think Valoo only speaks this mystical elder tongue.

>>“I don’t want to wear out my welcome with him. We both know what happens when Valoo becomes irate.” He paused long enough to notice a light slouch in her posture.

Zelda: “I also came here to tell you you have shitty posture. You’re gonna fuck up your back doin’ that.”

>>“That doesn’t mean, though, that I don’t want to see you.”

Link: “So you DO want to see me?”

DED: “No, see, I didn’t say that.”

>>Medli blinked and cocked her head to one side. “You. . . you want to spend some time with me later? Just me?”

Link: “Well, unless you’re INTO tantric group se-”

Zelda: “ and me will be fine.”

>>“Is that so hard to believe?”

Rauru: “Well, I _am_ extremely unpleasant.”

>>She blushed then regained her composure and shrugged. “It’s not that, but. . . never mind. I’d love to see you later, if you’re still up to it.”

DED: The hell is THAT supposed to mean?

Zelda: “I thought we agreed we’d meet for coffee.”

Link: “Eh, I wasn’t feeling up to it.”

Rauru: Something tells me he’ll be UP for it, all right…heh heh heh

>>“Let me get my men settled in first, if you please.

Zelda: “Oh, yeah, sure, we’ll put your drunk horny pirates up for the night, no problem.”

>>It’s not that I don’t trust Komali, but you know how he sometimes overdoes things.”

Link: Yeah, I don’t trust that guy farther than I can throw him.

DED: trust him a lot?

Link: L...y...shut up.

>>“He’s just trying to prepare for the role set for him.”

Zelda: So his role is “Someone who isn’t nice to Link?”

>>The Outset Islander shrugged; Rito fatalism sometimes wore on him.



>>“He’ll do fine. You’ve taught him to be responsible and respect the traditions of your ancestors if nothing else.”

Rauru: Doesn’t he need to know a little about, like, government?

Zelda: Nah, that’s not really necessary.

>>“Thank you.” She hadn’t expected a compliment such as that.

Link: Seeing as how she hadn’t really done anything.

>>“So, after I get my men in order then?” he asked with a boyish smile.

DED: Does anyone else find it creepy how he keeps referring to them as “his men?”

>>“I’ll be up on the grassy flat that faces the south bay,” Medli replied.

Zelda: Well, THAT’s helpfully specific!

>>“I won’t be long,” Link said before heading back down the ramp.
The Rito girl smiled

Rauru: How does she smile with a beak?

Link: Ouch.

>>and waved good-bye. She took her time returning outside and even looked in to make sure the youngster were behaving themselves under the elder’s supervision.

DED: Delaying the inevitable, huh.

>>She sat on the edge of the flat absently plucking blades of grass and letting the warm northerly wind carry them away as she let go.

Rauru: Then Link plays the Wind Waker and changes the direction to south, and they all fly back into her face! Ha ha!

>>The sun crouched low in the west

Link: That’s an odd way of putting it.

>>turning the seas from blue to yellow to orange. Listening to the wind on the mountainside,

Rauru: The hiiiiills are aliiiiiiiiiiiive with the sound of muuuuuuuusic...

>>she envisioned the notes to an old song one of the elders taught her long ago, Someone-or-other’s Lullaby.

Zelda: Hey, that’s MY lullaby, and it’s under copyright, you know!

Link: It’s probably expired by now.

>>She hummed the little she could recall.

DED (singing the first five notes of Zelda’s Lullaby): “Doo doo doo, doo doo---Doo doo doo, doo doo---Doo doo doo, doo doo---“

>>“Maybe it would sound better on your lyre?”

Zelda: “WHAT did you call me?”

DED: “LYRE! Your stringed instrument!”

Zelda: “Oh, um, never mind.”

>>With a start,

Rauru: She falls off the cliff...

Link: Um, wings.

Rauru: Oh, right.

>>Medli turned to find Link standing near her.

Zelda: “GAH! Don’t DO that!”

>>She gave him a mock grimace as he sat down beside her. “It’s supposed to be played on an ocarina,” she responded in a matter-of-fact tone.

Link: “An ocarina? What the hell is that?”

DED: “Some kind of dance move?”

>>“Is that so?”

Rauru: “MAY I remind you you’re under oath?”

>>“Besides, I haven’t had time to practice with my lyre much.”
“That is certainly a shame. How about singing? Please tell me you still keep up with that.”

Zelda: “Geez, what’s your problem?”

Link: “I’M runnin’ this quiz show! I’M askin’ the questions!”

>>Medli shook her head.
The hero sighed. “You should reconsider that decision. You sing beautifully.”
“Thank you,” she said, hoping the sunset’s red light would hide her blush.

DED: She blushes a lot. About nothing.

>>“What keeps you so preoccupied?”
“The chieftain is getting older.

Zelda: “The inexorable march of time brings him ever closer to the cold embrace of the grave. So how’s everything with you?”

>>He consults with His Holiness, Valoo, more often now, and of course I have to go with him.”

Rauru: “Oh, and I, um, I have to wash my hair.”

>>Link nodded at the explanation, and the two of them were quiet for several minutes as the sun fell away in the west.

DED: AWK-ward!

>>The nearly full moon rose, chasing its pale reflection across blue-black waters.

Link: “Come back here with my wallet!”

>>The pious Rito

Zelda: “Oh, yeah, Link, I forgot to tell you, part of being the oracle involves taking a vow of chastity. Is that a problem?”

Link: “! Of course...not.”

>>was enjoying the cool wind blowing on her legs and through her long, auburn hair

Rauru: Enjoying it a little too much.

>>when she noticed dark shapes out in the sea.

DED: Lizardmen!

>>“Oh, Link, look.” She pointed toward a spot some distance out from bay.
Straining his eyes, the Outset Islander could make out pairs of sleek, dark shapes jumping in the water.

Zelda: God damn, he can see that well?

>>“They’re dolphins,” Medli said in a wistful way.

Link: “Or sharks. Hard to tell at this distance.”

>>“They come by Dragon Roost every so often. Rito’s say dolphins are a sign of good luck.”

>>“Do they always travel in couples?”
“I don’t know.

Rauru: Well geez, what DO you know?

>>The only other time I’ve seen them was the night before you came to Dragon Roost for the first time.

DED: They draw the chariot of Poseidon!

>>That’s how I held out hope even when it seemed like His Holiness, Valoo, had become angry, and our enemies were growing in strength.”

Zelda: So...dolphins give her the strength to carry on?

>>Link smiled a little and gave her a suspicious look.

DED: “A likely story...”

>>“You came then, and it seemed like every time I was losing my direction or we needed help, you would come again.

Rauru: “Yeah, well, you know, I have a life outside of his godforsaken rock.”

>>You’ve really been good to me and all the Ritos.”

Link: “Really...REALLY good.”

>>After speaking, Medli leaned close and gave the hero a quick kiss on the cheek before she even knew what she was doing.

DED: Ha ha ha! Slip of the...tongue.

>>“Thanks, but that wasn’t necessary, you know? I didn’t do any of that because I was looking for fortune and glory.”

Rauru: “Although I wouldn’t mind a little fortune and glory, because, um, I’m kind of out of money...”

>>“I understand, Link, but I don’t think you realize how important you are to everyone here. . . how important you are to me.”


>>She shifted closer, placing her hand on top of his.

DED: Ha ha ha! Hand over fist.

>>Link looked into her eyes for several moments then pulled Medli’s face closer and kissed her.

Zelda: Link, if you ever grab me by the face and kiss me, I will tear your fuckin’ balls off.

>>The Rito sighed into the kiss

DED: So, like, “Awaaaawllllloooollll?”

>>as her lips parted slightly accepting Link’s tongue as it slipped into her mouth.

Rauru: You know, I thought there was some intermediate stage between “just friends” and “tongue kissing.”

DED: Kids these days...

>>She squeezed his hand and rubbed her own tongue against his for several heavy breaths before she pulled away.

Link: Um, that was kind of...sudden.

>>“I’m sorry if I’m coming on kind of strong,” she said looking down.

DED: Oh, I wouldn’t say that...

Zelda: “See, I had these tacos for lunch...”

>>“Don’t worry about it.” Link was enthralled at her sudden display.

Rauru: Enthralled? Um, yeah, I bet!

>>He’d always thought fondly of her, and they’d flirted from time to time.

DED: Weird relationship they have goin’ on here.

>>But her vulnerable confession aroused him as much as her attractive hips and breasts had the first time he noticed them.

Link: “Oh, talk vulnerable to me, baby.”

Zelda: “Okay,’s my wallet! Just take what you want and go!”

Link: “Oh yeah.”

>>“You haven’t done anything wrong.

Rauru: “Ew ew cooties! Get away!”

>>You’re important to me too, Medli, which is why I don’t want to hurt you.

DED: “ I? Wait, let me think.”

>>There’s still a lot I have to do, and I can’t be here with you nearly as often as either of us would like.

Zelda: That being: not at all. ZING!

>>So, I’ll understand if you don’t want us to be so close.”

Rauru: Yeah, back up maybe a foot.

>>“No, that’s not what I want at all,” she said.

Zelda: “God, you’re stupid. You know that?”

>>“I know you can’t always be here, but you’re here right now and maybe that’s enough.”

DED: Good, ‘cause that’s all you’re getting.

>>She squeezed his hand again.


>>“Don’t go. Stay with me tonight.”


>>Link breathed deep, catching the cinnamon scent of the pious Rito’s hair.

Rauru: Did you know if you put cinnamon in vodka and leave it for two weeks, you get mouthwash?

Link: Um, are you sure that drinking two-week-old vodka will make your breath BETTER?

Rauru: It’s true! MythBusters confirmed it!

Zelda: I gotta try that. (takes out a hip flask and puts a stick of cinnamon in  it)

DED: Why do you happen to have cinnamon and vodka on hand?

Zelda: This very reason. Also, I have drinking issues.

Link: The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.

Zelda: I don’t have a problem! I can quit any time I want!

Link: Then why not quit now?

Zelda: …shut up!

>>“Are you sure you want me to?”

Rauru: “Actually, come to think of it, I don’t really want your hot, hot cock inside me. Sorry to get your hopes up.”

>>“I’m positive,” she breathed.

DED: She’s positive? Link’d better be careful. Wear a condom.

Zelda: Watch those open wounds.

>>Still holding Link’s hand, Medli stood. She led him inside the compound and up a flight of stone steps to a heavy wooden door.

Link: “Um, I can follow you without being held on to, you kn...oh, it’s affection. Okay.”

>>After closing the door with her free hand, she was pulled into the Outset Islander’s arms, and her eyes closed during the deep tongue kiss that followed.

Rauru: Well, at least she got as far as closing the door.

>>Pulling part, Link looked over Medli’s bedroom.

DED: “Ugh, this place is a dump. You didn’t plan this make-out very well, did you?”

>>A single, open window let moonlight deluge the room,

Link: I’m drowning in the moonlight!

>>giving everything a blue hue and silver outline.

Rauru: “Medli, can you turn on a light or something? I can’t see a damn th...OW! What was that I just stepped on?”

>>The lyre was mounted above the dresser and shimmered.

DED: Ha ha ha! Mounted.

Rauru: Why does the author keep coming back to the lyre? Is there some symbolic significance we missed?

Zelda: Rauru, don’t you see the lyre symbolizes the change from friends to tantric sex lovers?

Link: What’s tantric?

Zelda: You know. Tantric. As in, “tantric sex lovers.”

DED: Can everyone stop saying “tantric” for five minutes?

>>As he was pulled toward the low bed, his shin hit the tall, narrow trunk situated at the foot of her bed.

Zelda: The rest of their romantic evening was a trip to the hospital to set that broken shin.

Link: Yeah. What wonderful times we share.

Zelda: I’m not talking about us.

Link: Contusions, electric shock, head trauma...these are the stuff dreams are made of.

>>He heard Medli giggle as he re-centered the quilt folded neatly on top of the chest.

Rauru: Yeah, that IS funny.

DED: “Ha! Got ya! I knew you’d walk right into that chest!”

>>When she was certain Link’s eyes had turned their full attention back on her,

Zelda: “Hey Link, I’m getting naked!”

Link: “Not now! I’m looking at this box!”

>>Medli began to disrobe. Reaching back, she untied the string of her dress

Rauru: That’s all that’s holding it on? What a sperm dumpster.

>>at the base of her neck. She let the dress slip off her shoulders then her hips,

Zelda: Well, ta-da, I guess.

>>keenly aware of Link’s eyes taking in the full curve of her breasts with their small nipples.

DED: It’s the details that make it worth reading.

>>Her white, silky panties quickly joined her dress on the rug.

Link: Something just occurred to me.

Rauru: What?

Link: What is Victoria’s secret? And why does she guard it so jealously?

Zelda: You know, you’re right. In all my years of shopping there I’ve never found out.

DED: Here’s the secret: their underwear costs about four times as much as it should.

Link: Yeah, why pay hundreds of dollars for an article of clothing that’s only going to get removed as fast as possible and thrown on the floor?

>>Medli’s hair contrasted pleasantly with the pale shade of her body,

Rauru: Children of the Corn going on here.

>>and the curves of her hips and ample breasts were complimented by a smooth belly and round butt.

Zelda: Oh YEAH? I got all that and MORE! (stretches out arms, wiggles fingers around) Look at THESE! These are FINGERS! Not talons! And these are arms! Not wings! They don’t molt! They don’t have mites living in them! Check out these opposable thumbs!

Link: Zelda, why be jealous of a bird-creature living in the future?

Zelda: Do I have to lay eggs? NO! In vivo fertilization!

DED: Man, Rito girls’ periods must suck.

Link: “Sorry about my mood everyone, I just laid an egg this morning.”

>>She blushed as the hero inspected her and the way the moonlight played along the lines of her nubile body.

DED: Ha ha ha! Noobs.

>>Seeing Medli was finished, Link took a breath and followed her lead.

Link: Now, YOU look at MY breasts. (does a little striptease)

>>He pulled his blue and white tunics off over his head. He was reaching to undo his belt

DED: He’s surprisingly experienced.

Link: Think about it. He lives for ten months a year on a ship with a woman. What do YOU think the inevitable result is?

DED: Ah. True.

>>when the pious Rito girl stepped forward.


Rauru: “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it any more!”

>>“Touch me first,” she whispered.

Link: Poke. Poke. Poke. “Is this right?” Poke.

>>Giving a boyish smile, Link’s hands brushed her stomach

Rauru: “Damn, woman, did you get your gym membership revoked?”

Zelda: Rauru, what do YOU know about gym memberships?

>>then trailed up to her bosom. Her breasts were each more than a handful,

DED: Oh, need I go off on my aerodynamics rant, or have you heard it enough?

Link: Yeah, it’s been, let’s see, twice now you’ve commented on this.

DED: But it STILL doesn’t make sense!

>>and he squeeze them tenderly.

Zelda: I’ve hit upon the best breast analogy ever. Ready?

Link: Ready.

Zelda: Breasts are like oranges. If you squeeze them enough, delicious liquids come out.

Link: Good, good. Although I think if anyone but you had said that, I would have hit them.

>>She shivered a little and inhaled sharply

DED: HEEP-eep-eep-eep-eep-eep!

>>when his thumbs rubbed her erect nipples.

Link (poking): Ding...........dong!

>>When Link removed his hands,

Zelda: They had to be surgically reattached.

Link: How did I do that, anyway? Was it a radial s...yeah, it WAS a radial saw.

Zelda: Ugh. Don’t remind me.

>>the Rito girl undid the hero’s belt and lowered herself onto her knees.

DED: Every time. EVERY SINGLE TIME they do this...

Rauru: What’s so romantic about blowjobs? They’re pretty gross and kind of weird.

DED: Um, define weird.

Rauru: Think about it. For the guy, you’re just standing there like you’re waiting for the bus while this girl licks your schlong. I’d find it kind of awkward.

Zelda: Rauru, you don’t think about these things when they’re happening.

>>He watched the top of her head while she took off his sandals.

Link: Because having sex with sandals on would be just fucking WRONG.

DED: She’s taking his SANDALS off for him? What a lazy sonnofabitch!

>>After unbuttoning the trousers, Medli pulled them down.

Rauru: See, when GUYS pants you, the emotional scars never heal. But...

>>Her eyes went wide when Link’s phallus was freed and nearly hit her in the face.

Everyone: HA HA HA!

Zelda: Stupid douche.

Link: She could lose an eye like that.

Rauru: You know what they say, it’s all fun and games and oral sex until someone loses an eye.

DED: Then it’s fun that’s more difficult to see.

Zelda: You know, there’s no “I” in “team”, but there is an “oral” in “oracle.”

Rauru: Good, good point. We could do well to keep that in mind.

>>Her arousal and astonishment oscillated

Link: Oh, oh, oh, can we see a graph?

DED: I bet it looks like a sine wave.


DED: Now and forever.

>>when she realized it wasn’t fully erect.

Rauru: So it nearly hits her in the face, and it’s NOT fully erect, and he’s, what, fifteen?

>>She brushed its length with her hands, and it responded by swelling a little more.

DED: (making the Super Mario power-up noise) Doodely doodely doodely!

Link: Nasty.

>>Her fingers stroked and played upon its length

Zelda: (humming Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony) Dun dun dun DUNNNNNNN...dun dun dun DUNNNNNNNNNN...

>>and even fondled his testicles.

DED: This story is surprisingly direct in its descriptions.

Link: This makes me...kind of nervous...

Rauru: That reminds me. I’m illin’ for some Rocky Mountain oysters right about now.

Zelda: Um, do you know those are ox testicles?

Rauru: (sarcastic) Oh, geez, really? Can I change my mind? Of COURSE I know they’re ox testicles!

>>The pious Rito

DED: Pff. “Pious,” he says.

>>remembered a stray letter she’d sorted once from a Windfall woman who explained methods on arousing a man.

Rauru: Oh, so she goes through people’s mail, then. Great.

Zelda: Ha. It was probably from me.

DED: From: Janet. To: Helen. Subject: Re: arousing men.

Link: It’s not all that difficult.

>>At the time, she’d been embarrassed and felt guilty about reading the letter.

Zelda: But just that letter. Everyone else’s mail, she had no compunctions about reading.

>>Now, she was glad to have a technique to use.

DED: What, reading?

>>Cupping her own breasts, Medli slid Link’s penis between them and began massaging the length of his shaft with them.

Rauru: Ooh, this is new.

Zelda: Well, not really.

Rauru: It’s news to me.

>>His stiffening cock felt strange and slightly uncomfortable

Link: WHAT? You have GOT to be KIDDING me!

DED: Hey, if you don’t like it, it’d be glad to take your place.

>>between her breasts, and the head remained poking above

Zelda: Blech. That sucks the romance right outta this gratuitous sex act.

>>the press of her cleavage.

DED: Ha ha ha! Full court.

>>The Outset Islander appreciate her work, moaning, “Mmmmm. . . Medli,”

Rauru: “This feels strange and uncomfortable! Keep up the good work!”

>>as her tits stroked his increasingly hard member. She kept it up for quite a while until

Zelda: ...Link had already ejaculated and was now looking through her fridge for jell-o.

Link: Jell-o in the afterglow is the best kind.

>>she was sure Link’s phallus had reached its full potential.

DED: Sounds like a mission statement.

Rauru: Helping employees, and their phalluses, reach their full potential.

>>Working him up in turn aroused the Rito girl, and she felt her vagina growing moist.

Zelda: Huh. I have nothing to say about this.

>>Releasing the hero’s dick,

DED: Hee hee. That makes me laugh.

>>Medli rose to her feet again.

Link: Arise, Lord Vader!

>>“Did you like that?”

Zelda: “No! You did it all wrong!”

>>He replied by pulling her close and kissing her; his tongue taking the initiative and roaming around her sweet mouth.

DED: Rollin’ rollinrollin’, keep them tongues a-rollin’, rollinrollinrollin’, RAWHIDE!

Zelda: Move ‘em out!

Link: Pack ‘em in!

Rauru: Roll along!

Zelda: Roll ‘em out!

DED: Ride ‘em in, rawhiiiiiiiide!

>>Excitement increasing, Medli moaned into the kiss,

Link: Slobbering everywhere...


>>and her tongue was pliable to her lover’s urging.

Rauru: Duhwha?

>>Link pulled her closer, and she felt his cock trapped between their stomachs.

DED: Ha ha ha! Rock and a hard place.

Zelda: What is WRONG with you?

>>It felt white hot and hard like an iron rod.

Link: That sounds pleasant.

Zelda: Yeah, I always said Link had a dick like molten iron.

>>The pious Rito let her hand roam across the slim but hard muscles

DED: What is up with this author describing her as “pious”? That’s at least the fifth time he’s used that adjective.

Zelda: Pious people usually refrain from having casual sex with their friends.

>>of the hero’s back and arms.

Link: I dunno, do people ever rub my arm muscles?

>>Link let the kiss end, brushed back several strands of Medli’s hair,

Rauru: Flick flick flick.

>>and asked, “Are you ready now?”


>>She nodded.

Rauru (as Link): “Oh, well, you took your sweet time about it!”

>>“Please be gentle, though.”

Link: Oh, come on. You like it rough.

>>He had every intention of being gentle. This was Medli, the beautiful and delicate lady he’d know for years.

Zelda: Yeah, as opposed to all the random whores he’d paid in the back alleys.

>>She wasn’t one of the tough girls who often signed on for the “pirate” crew,

DED: I wish.

Link: Don’t flatter yourself Medli, the pirate girls got their share too.

>>or one of the sultry women who barter their bodies in the low districts of Windfall.

Zelda: Well, yeah, Link would know everything there is to know about whores.

Link: That would explain my immense sexual experience.

Rauru: Huh. I didn’t notice any whores in that place.

DED: Not for lack of trying, though.

>>Link would have cut off his own hand before willfully hurting the pious Rito girl.

DED: There it is again!

Zelda: His hand, huh? What about just the fingers? How about then?

Link: I’d be willing to part with both pinkies, three toes, and up to 40% of my ears for the chance to hurt Medli.

DED: We have a deal. Let me get the hedge trimmers.

>>Medli climb onto her bed and lay on her back.

Zelda: Aw, that’s the lazy position. At least let the guy have a break now and then.

>>Her knees were bent and legs still together;

DED: Hmm. Body language is telling me...stop.

Rauru: Pff. Fat chance.

>>her brown eyes

Rauru: Poop holes?

>>enjoyed the silver accented silhouette of her longtime friend and soon-to-be lover.

Link: From reading these stories, you’d be surprised how infrequently this happens in real life.

>>There were butterflies in her stomach as she looked over the impressive length of his manhood,

Zelda: Yeah, that IS scary.

>>but nervousness was matched by erotic excitement.

Rauru: Oh, good. I was afraid she’d get too nervous and run away.

>>The Outset Islander settled beside her on the bed and stroked her belly and hips.

Zelda: “Hee hee hee hee hee hee! Stop it!”

Rauru: “This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home...”

>>His hands traveled up to the Rito girls knees and spread her legs despite some unconscious resistance from her.

DED: Yeah. Don’t think she’s ready for this.

Zelda: “Um, maybe we shouldn’t...”


>>He licked his lips at the sight of her maidenhood,

Rauru: Deeeeeee-licious.

>>its slight dampness glistening in the moonlight.

Rauru: Like...two fresh salmon locks on a white bagel, with a hole in the middle.

Link: Lovin’ these food references, huh?

Zelda: Like salmon locks on a bagel...hey, that’s not a half-bad comparison.

>>Reaching down, he brushed her pretty clit and was rewarded with an ephemeral moan of his name.

DED: So summin’ like, “LiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiinnnNNNNNnnnkKKkk...”

>>Positioning himself between Medli’s thighs, Link took his phallus in his left hand and guided it to her labia.

Rauru: “Control tower to penis, you’re cleared for landing on runway 4, over.”

Link: “Penis to control tower, roger that, over.”

>>She sighed as the tip of his cock rubbed against her vagina.

Zelda: we go again...

>>Her hands stroked her hero and then grabbed the edges of her pillow on either side of her head.

DED: Then whipped it into his face!


>>Swallowing hard, she bit lightly on her bottom lip as in anticipation.

Zelda: This doesn’t sound entirely positive.

>>With a gentle rhythm, Link began to push his cock into the waiting Rito pussy.

DED: (as Valoo) “Hey Meds, I got another prophecy for you to GAAAAH!”

Link: “Oh, for the love of me! This is what you do when I’m not watching?”

>>He worked it with the care and attention he knew Medli deserved,

Rauru: Hand-crafted.

Zelda: Artisan-quality.

>>though it required immense will on his part.

Link: Oh, yeah, I know how that is.

>>She was so tight, and the pressure on the head and shaft on his manhood was delicious.

Rauru: Deeeeee-licious.

>>He managed to stave off his more aggressive instincts

DED: Beat her up!

Link: Shoot her in the head!

Zelda: Throw your dung at others!

>>even as from below him came high-pitched, girlish moans of “Nnnggah! Ah, ah, aaaaahhhhh!”

Rauru: AHHH! My EARS!

>>which made him ache to savage her depths.

Link: Gah! That’d make me want to punch her in the face!

>>Half of his dick had inched its way into Medli when she gave a particularly loud shout and moaned, “Oh, Link, stop a moment—Ah!—Please stop!”


Zelda: “You must answer me these questions three!”

>>He ceased immediately

Link: Oh, come on, wuss!

Rauru: You know that no means yes!

>>and—leaving as much of his cock in her as he had worked in—the hero reared back.

DED: Down, boy.

>>The pillow was gripped tight in Medli’s hands.

Rauru: No way, really? Thanks for telling me.

>>Her head was turned to her left; her left eye closed tight, the right was only half open—with the dew of a single, unshed tear—

Zelda: Wow. She must really hate this. What a weirdo.

DED: Not the reaction he was expecting.

>>looking at Link with apprehension and arousal. The Rito’s abundant breasts,

Link: Damn things are all over the place!

>>with their erect nipples, heaved up and down in accord with her heavy breathing. Her thighs quivered slightly. “Ah! Link, I don’t want you to stop, but—ah—could you just kiss me again?”

DED: What the fuck, didn’t you JUST tell him to stop?

Zelda: Make up your mind, woman!

>>With his boyish smile, the Outset Islander leaned close to her, brushed back several stray strands of her hair, took the pious Rito’s


Zelda: We get the idea. You’ve established her piety as fact.

DED: However improbable it is.

>>face in his hands and gave her a fierce kiss. His tongue pushed and cradled Medli’s,

Rauru: Bwuwhawhat?

Link: I don’t think tongues can cradle one another.

Zelda: “Hush little toungie, don’t say a word, momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird…”

>>and she continued to moan around their dancing tongues. Link’s hands rubbed her hips and belly which made her squirm a little.

DED: “Under my thumb…the squirmin’ dog who’s just had her day…”

Rauru: More like squirmin’ bird-girl.

>>After she sucked on his tongue, the hero pulled away from the kiss and met the Rito girl’s gaze. “You’re all right? I’m not hurting you, am I?”

Rauru: Well, she was crying just a minute ago…

>>“Not really,” she moaned,

Link: How do you moan words?

Zelda: (as Medli) “Nooooooot reeeeeeally…”

>>“but it was getting to be too much at that moment. I’m fine now.”

DED: All systems optimal!

Link: Activate!

>>Link reared back, and got ready to negotiate the remaining half of his phallus into Medli.

Rauru: (as Link) “Okay, you let me put the rest of my man-sausage in you, and I’ll give you the fucking of a lifetime. Deal?”

>>“And Link,” she said.
“Thank you for stopping when I asked,” she cooed.

DED: Not raping people can be fun.

Zelda: I suppose.

>>The hero ran his hands over her collarbone and down to her breasts. Taking one in each hand, he squeezed and massaged Medli’s tits,

Link: “Oh, yeah, that’s the spot. I have so much tension in my tits.”

>>sometimes brushing her sensitive nipples or taking one between his index and forefinger and pinching it lightly

Zelda: Or twisting it like a radio dial.

Rauru: TITTY TWISTER! Literally.

>>which always resulted in an acute scream of his name.

DED: A scream less than ninety degrees?


DED: Oh, and that’s also a hugely run-on sentence.


>>Such vocalizations he found stimulating,

Link: “Your pathetic shrieks amuse me! BWA HA HA HA!”

Rauru: “Now I will do a jig over your broken body to accompany the medley of your unanswered pleas for mercy!”

>>but moderated the action as he knew the pinching hurt a little.

Zelda: Oh, come ON! Duh! It’s supposed to hurt for the first few minutes!

>>Medli felt her vaginal walls moistening even more

Rauru: How would you “feel” something like that?

>>as Link’s hands moved away from the affectionate manipulation of her full bosom.

DED: So she’s aroused by him stopping?

>>She watched her lover’s head bend down again, and he began to kiss and lick her right breast.

Rauru: Don’t mind if I do. (takes out a whole roast chicken and starts licking the breast) Mmm. Chicken grease.


DED: What is she doing, praying to Cthulhu?

>>Yes,” she moaned as the hero ran his tongue in a clockwise motion around her receptive nipple.

Rauru: “Three-and-two the count, the pitch is...swung on and missed, strike three!”

Zelda: “Oh, shit, hold on a second. I’m picking up radio signals with my nipple again.”

>>Then she felt a strange but fantastic sensation, and she craned her head to see what he was doing.

DED: Oh, let me guess.

>>The pious Rito found Link was sucking on her tit and simultaneously shrieked an unintelligible appeal for him to continue

Link: Wow. She’s such a retard in bed.


>>which he did for several more minutes. He slowed his suckling and allowed her to recover her breath; he knew she needed it.

Rauru: Sad to say, but I think I’m going to have to remain a virgin. Sex would kill me from exhaustion.

DED: I think it’s safe to say the world is now a better place.

>>With his boyish smile

Link: Boyish. Think about it.

Zelda: Deep.

>>and resumed his rhythmic penetration. Taking Medli’s right hand, the Outset Islander guided it down to her moist maidenhood,

DED: “Eww, what is that? It’s all cold and slimy and gr...oh.”

>>and through tactile instruction, had her rub and tease her own clit.

Zelda: It takes her several tries to get it right.

>>Now more engaged in self stimulation, the pious Rito’s vagina became wetter and, when she wasn’t moaning, “Ah! Yes! You’re so—ah!—so good!” she was chewing lightly on her bottom lip or biting her pillow.

DED: Excuse me, but BITING her PILLOW?

Link: Maybe she’s like a beaver, because she has to constantly grind her teeth on something or else they’ll grow too big and poke through her lip.

Rauru: Or maybe not.

>>With both of them working her up into a sexual frenzy, Medli’s pussy gave more,

Zelda: Give more this Christmas with pussy gift cards.

>>and Link sank the whole of his manhood into her faster than he’d anticipated.

Rauru: No, THAT’S not manhood. Manhood is keeping your underwear until it smells like a walrus’ butt and is full of holes. Manhood is refusing to ask for directions, even as you begin to starve. Manhood is eating fifty hot dogs and buns in less than one hour.

DED: Rauru, I scarcely dare to listen to you.

>>He pushed it in to the hilt and grunted her name


Link: I’ve come to the bold conclusion that people say and do stupid things in this story.

>>while she gave another cry composed entirely of vowels.


Link: Wow, what a retarded thing to yell.

>>Wrapping his arms around the Rito beauty,

Zelda: Yep. One of the perks of being the Hero of Time is that he gets his pick of up to, but no more than, seven of People Magazine’s 50 Most Beautiful People.

Rauru: And he picked you, Zelda?

Link: No, I got to her after the seven hot ones.

Zelda: I hope for your sake you’re kidding.

Link: I think I’ll leave this ambiguous.

>>Link lowered himself onto Medli and increased his pace to a firm, constant penetration.

DED: Ah, reassuring.

Rauru: Firm, but loving.

>>Kissing and licking her neck, the hero could hear her panting and moans of “Nnnaaahhh! I want—ah!—I want you so much!”

Link: You know, you can’t really want something a lot. You can either want it or not want it.

>>as they worked their way up her throat to pass over her lips. Likewise, he couldn’t believe how tight she was.

DED: Oh, I can believe it.

Zelda: Believe it...or not.

Rauru: Now do you believe?

>>His cock head in particular seemed to be squeezed constantly by the honeyed walls of Medli’s vagina.

DED: Pff. No one says the “V-word” anymore.

>>The press of her lover’s body on top of her excited the pious Rito

Link: God, that has got to be the millionth time.

Rauru: In case you weren’t aware, she’s pious.

>>which was added to the appeal of his constant licking and nibbling of her throat.

Zelda: Trust me, that’d get old fast.

>>For a while, she was only aware of intense pleasure as Link’s phallus pushed into her innermost, sacrosanct space.

DED: And can we assume this innermost space is also pious?

Zelda: There’s a lot of religious imagery in this story. Which is kinda weird.

>>Then, she began to notice the responses of her body to the sexual satisfaction her lover lavished on her.

Rauru: Huh. That took her a while to feel anything.

Link: Aren’t priests supposed to swear a vow of chastity?

>>Her hands clenched and unclenched almost independent of her wishes:

Zelda: This is a recurring theme of people’s bodies having minds of their own.

>>the right was buried in her hero’s flaxen hair, the left balled up sheets in white

Link: “The right hand didn’t know what the left was doing. If it did, it would be jealous.”

>>Medli’s luscious breasts were pressed hard between herself and Link, and his rocking upper body worked her sensitive nipple mercilessly.

Zelda: Link, you’re a subhuman thug.

Rauru: Yeah, why not just go all the way and beat her with a baseball bat with a nail in it it?

>>Next, she noticed how her body subconsciously bucked her hips and squeezed her thighs around her lover in almost musical time

DED: Well? Was it 4/4 time? 3/4 time? 6/4 time? The interesting but underused 5/4 time, as seen in the intro to Cream’s “White Room?” Well? Don’s leave us hanging!

>>to his penetrations. As she came more to herself,

Link: That doesn’t even make SENSE.

>>the charming Rito

Rauru: There are some weird, weird modifiers in this story.

>>noticed growing warmth in the button of her clit. Link’s manhood still felt hot inside her, but the slow, building burn in her own sex could not be denied.

Zelda: The revolution will not be televised!

>>At that time, the Outset Islander—straining himself so sweat dripped from him onto her—

DED: Oh, gross.

Link: It’s like they always say: fluids ruin stories.

>>felt Medli’s pussy tighten even more around the length of his cock before returning to its usual soft, tight feel. None-the-less, the action was enough to drive Link’s longing higher.

Zelda: The most generous explanation I can come up with is that this person had just written a high-school English paper before writing this, and he was still in that mindset.

DED: That’s still not an excuse.

Zelda: I’m just opening up the possibility.

>>Raking his teeth down the soft flesh of her neck,

Rauru: Dracula will not be denied!

>>the hero decided he wanted to see the reactions of her attractive, Rito body.

Zelda: Wait, Link is a woman, and a bird?

Link: No I’m not! Where did you get that from?

Zelda: The wording, “the hero…her attractive Rito body.”

Link: Oh. Maybe I am a bird-woman. I mean, I haven’t really checked recently.

>>Planting a hand on either side of Medli, Link pushed himself up, so he hovered above her.

DED: Hold on. Let me try something. (gets on the floor, does a push-up, is suddenly hovering a foot off the ground) Well I’ll be damned! It DOES work!

>>Then, he increased his pace, plunging slightly harder.
Her lovers shift went unnoticed for several beats.

Rauru: “Medli, honey, you’re great, but you keep coming in half a beat late. HALF a BEAT LATE.”

>>Then, Medli cracked her right eye open again.

DED: Ew. Vitreous humor everywhere.


DED: Hey! It’s not my fault I know what the fluid in the ocular cavity is called!

Zelda: Yeah, but it’s your fault you had to go and SAY it!

>>Her vision was a bit blurry from the tears she was holding back,

Rauru: What is this, Dawson’s Creek?

>>but her brown eye cleared enough for her to see the change. With her right hand now clutching at Link’s right shoulder, she brought up her left to mop up saliva leaking from the corner of her lips.

Link: What’d I tell ya, man, fluids.

>>She proceeded to stick her middle and ring fingers into her mouth, sucking on them

Zelda: Oh, come on. No one does this.

DED: If you haven’t noticed yet, realism takes a backseat to eroticism.

Link: But couldn’t they have some kind of realistic eroticism? Like, “erotilism?”

Rauru: Please, please, never say the word “erotilism” ever again.

>>in a vain attempt to stifle her high-pitched moans of “Oh, my Goddess! Oh, my Goddess!”

DED: Isn’t that the name of an anime.

Link: I believe so. Now, we know where the name comes from: tantric sex sessions.

>>The gorgeous Rito

Zelda: Not, “pious”?

>>even timed her sucking with her hero’s thrusts.

Rauru: Much like comedy, the key to sex is timing.

>>However, her fingers didn’t last long as a stopper, and her left hand took up the task of clenching the corner of the pillow near her head. Also, her clit continued to burn, sending tendrils of electric pleasure sparking through her body.

Link: It’s like a Japanese rock band: The Electric Pleasure Tendrils!

Rauru: Their first album was “Live at Osaka”; their second was the acoustic “The Electric Pleasure Tendrils: Unplugged”.

>>Link, meanwhile, was enjoying the scene he wanted to see.

Link: “Oh yeah, Angelina Jolie!”

Zelda: “What? What did you call me?”

Link: “Hey, don’t talk to me, John Wayne, like that!”

>>Poised above her and plunging his dick into Medli’s warm tightness, the Outset Islander watched her pious breasts

Zelda: What? WHAT? Now we’re just getting ridiculous.

Link: Maybe it’s a joke. Maybe his friends were like, “I bet you can’t use the word ‘pious’ forty times in the same story.” And he was like, “Oh yeah? Just WATCH me!”

>>bounce dramatically—heaving up and down in accord with his vigorous thrusts. Her erect, pink nipples seemed to trace ovals in the blue-silver light of her room.

Rauru: Oh, so Link must see in that weird, time-lapse-photo kind of vision. You know, where the camera’s exposure is set for like two seconds.

>>His boyish grin returned as he watched,

DED: Everything’s just a joke to him.

Rauru: He looks at this naked chick he’s porking like he’s poking a dead frog with a stick.

>>but the increasing tightness of her vagina made him occasionally grunt Medli’s name.

Zelda: Yeah, cause and effect.

>>Enjoying every moment of the lovemaking, the pious Rito

DED: God...damn. That has to be at least the twentieth time.

Zelda: Really, that can’t be that far off, actually. We should go back and count.

DED: Okay. At the end.

>>yelped as Link plunged into her again and again which aided in the animated bouncing of her ample breasts.

Link: Animated? So it’s like one of those erotic Japanese cartoons I’ve heard so much about but, of course, have never seen?

Zelda: Link, you’re not fooling anyone.

>>The pressure of her hero’s cock inside her fueled the searing pleasure rolling out from her clit. She could feel the contours of her vagina gripping his penis as it pumped into her non-stop. Her thighs continued to urge him on with pleasant squeezes while she returned to biting the pillow

Rauru: Wait, explain how she’s biting the pillow while facing the ceiling?

DED: …Magic!

>>to lessen the noise of her screams.
His passion mounting, Link lowered himself back onto Medli. His hands toyed along her belly before taking to pulling on her bucking hips for pleasure and leverage.

Link: Hey, whoa, wait, don’t get all technical on me.

>>He increased his pace yet again, aching to satisfy and be satisfied by the attractive Rito’s pussy. Demanding fulfillment,

Zelda: Link doesn’t ASK for your virginity, he TAKES it.

Link: Kind of like Chuck Norris.

DED: Um...

Link: If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

DED: Please stop. Those are already out of control.

>>the hero slid his hands around Medli’s hips and squeezed her ass. He firmly kneaded her ass cheeks,

Rauru: Nice romantic language there, “ass cheeks.”

>>and the pious Rito approved with girlish screams of “Oh, yes! Just like that.

Zelda: Exactly like that. Not the tiniest iota of difference.

>>Oh, oh, ooooohhhhhh!” while he licked her neck. The cinnamon scent of her hair was strong

DED: The Force is strong with this one.

>>as the Outset Islander took gasping breaths to fuel his excitement.
Medli almost couldn’t stand the pleasure any more.

Link: Yeah, pleasure sucks.

Rauru: Totally.

>>Bliss pumped from the button of her clit and circulated through her veins.

DED: So that’s what it is.

Link: That’s what what is?

DED: I dunno.

Link: …whatever.

>>Link’s toying with her ass

Zelda: Link, if you ever imply that my ass is your toy, you will be crapping your own teeth out for weeks.

>>had brought her to the threshold of rapture.

Rauru: The threshold...of the Twilight Zone.

>>She shuddered and had a strange sensation,

Zelda: Yeah, par for the course.

>>and then her clit exploded in ecstasy. Her legs wrapped tight around her lover as her sanctified maidenhood closed impossibly tight around his shaft. Arching her back and digging her fingertips into her hero’s shoulders, Medli threw back her head and gave an incoherent scream

DED: Geez, get a cock in her and Medli becomes a gibbering idiot.

Rauru: Sex must be more damaging to your brain than huffing gasoline.

>>as her orgasm shook her entire body.
When the honeyed walls of Medli’s vagina constricted and stroked his phallus, Link swore he felt his testicles tighten

Zelda: Why on earth would you need to mention this?

DED: The details make it worth reading!

Rauru: You said that already.

DED: That doesn’t make it not true!

>>a split second before he came. His trapped manhood pumped twelve jets

Link: Really? Wow. That’s...specific.

Zelda: Please. PLEASE. Can we have even the TINIEST quantity of realism? Just a smidge?

DED: Twelve. Peter North would be proud.

Rauru: Who? Why?

DED: Never mind. I said nothing.

Rauru: Oh. Okay.

>>of hot, white cum into the pious


Link: We should make a game like “punch buggy.”


Rauru: Did you just do something to me?

DED: Um, yeah, didn’t you feel it?

Rauru: No. The first thirteen inches of fat have no nerve endings in them.

>>Rito’s most sacred place.

Link: The religious imagery is making me uneasy.


>>He gave a long groan of her name as he climaxed.

Zelda: They don’t seem to be very concerned about anyone, I don’t know, hearing them.

>>When the luscious Rito

Rauru: I wonder what they taste like.

DED: Rauru! That’s friggin’ SICK!

Rauru: What? It’s not cannibalism, I’M not one...

Link: I bet they taste like turkey.


>>had settled down some, he was free to withdraw his softening penis

Rauru: Free to beeee, you and meeeee...

>>which was slick with the dew of Medli’s sex.
Link reared back, sat on his knees,

Zelda: …wtf.

Link: How does on sit on their knees?

>>and looked over Medli.

DED: And what did I see, comin’ for to carry me home?

>>Much of her auburn hair was splayed out wildly from the frequent tossing of her head.

DED: Yeah, heads are gonna roll.

Zelda: Indeed.

DED: I mean, she really was ahead of her time.

Zelda: Quite.

DED: Head and shoulders above the rest, really.

Zelda: Absolutely.

DED: She’s really made a lot of headway.

Zelda: Shut up now.

DED: Okay.

>>Her left forearm rested on her brow. Her brown eyes were only half open

Rauau: Yeah, but which half?

Link: Y...wait, what?

>>and still moist, though a single tear managed to escape from the far corner of each eye,

Zelda: What? What is her problem?

Rauru: What’s so sad? I mean, other than the constant use of the word “pious”. That’s just tragic.

>>leaving a wet trail that sparked silver in the moonlight. The Rito girl’s open mouth

DED: She’s like a turkey in the rain.

Link: See? I told you she’s taste like turkey.

Zelda: Link, just because both turkeys and Medli can open their mouths doesn’t necessarily mean...

Link: Doesn’t NECESSARILY mean.

>drew deep, constant breaths


DED: Sexy.

>>which made her lovely breasts with their small, pink nipples heave. Thighs still spread, her drenched labia was still visible. There, between her bent knees, Link took in the beauty of Medli’s body:

Zelda: Uh huh, the only part of the body he’s interested in is between the legs.

>>sexually exhausted, the cool blues of the darkness


DED: When did darkness become blue and I wasn’t informed?

>>coloring her pale body save where the moonlight illuminated her supple lines and curves, and looking for all the world link a goddess.

Zelda: Face it, you think that about every chick who lets you nail her.

Rauru: Yeah, who’d be sitting there next to a naked chick and say, “Eh, I could do better.”

Link: Well...

>>Reaching behind, the hero grabbed the quilt from the top of the trunk. He drew it over them both as he lay down and embraced the exquisite Rito girl.

DED: Oh, great, get your sweat and sexual fluids all over the good quilt.

>>Situating herself in her lover’s arms, Medli whispered, “Link?”


>>“You promised you’d stay the night with me, remember?”

Zelda: Oh, yeah, that line never fails. Puh-leeze.

>>“I have no intention of leaving.”

DED: “...until you’ve made me a sandwich.”

>>“Thank you,” the pious Rito said before the sleep settled into her tired limbs.


>>Link looked over Medli again and kissed her forehead after caressing her hips.
Link: The timing here is very specific.

>>He settled himself, and sleep soon came to claim him as well.
A distance off the southern coast of Dragon Roost Isle, pairs of dolphins danced in the blue-black waters below an ivory moon.

DED: Okay, let’s find out. One sec.

Zelda: Find out what?

DED: Fifteen. Fif, teen, times.

Rauru: Is that...

DED: Pious. This clown put the word “pious” in his story fifteen times. FIFTEEN!

Link: That goes way beyond establishing a theme. That’ Words fail me.

DED: I think “re-friggin’-diculous” covers it pretty well.

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