In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space
We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:
Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “Don’t stop believin’!”
Rauru! “Nom nom nommin’ on heaven’s door!”
Zelda! “Let them eat cake!”
Link! “Reductio ad absurdum!”
If you don’t get how he stays alive
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!
“Zelda II: Adventure of Link - Vibrant Red” by Streti
DED: Oh my God, a sex fic based on that Zelda game? Awesome.
Link: Man, that was a long time ago. I barely remember that shit, it was back during my wild, uninhibited, 2-D platformer phase. I was still finding myself, y’know?
Zelda: We’re all glad you got that out of your system, dear.
Link: That was also the phase of my career when we starred in Faces of Evil and Wand of Gamelon. Remember that, honeykitten?
Zelda: Fuck, gah, I try not to.
Link: *does the face*
Zelda: STOP that!
Rauru: Let’s all just shut up and get on with the story already! You guys are gonna make my soufflé collapse.
>>Hyrule had indeed grown dangerous again.
Link: Cripes, is Hyrule ever not dangerous? Every time I take my eyes off that place for five seconds it gets overrun with monsters and evil warlords.
Zelda: Hey, Hyrule in Ocarina of Time was pretty peaceful before Ganondorf took over.
Link: But even then, before Ganondorf even did anything, there were THOUSANDS OF SKELETONS lurking underground in Hyrule Field that emerged every night to flense the flesh from my bones.
DED: Oh my God, you’re right. That always freaked me right the fuck out when I was ten.
>>Even though Ganon was gone, his minions had
Link: ...seized the island of Koradai!
Zelda: NO. GODDAMMIT. SHUT UP ABOUT THE CD-I ZELDA GAMES. WE MUST NEVER SPEAK OF THEM AGAIN.
Rauru: Sorry Zelda, but they’re Internet famous now.
>>crept from their lairs, and roamed the fields, forests and caverns of the kingdom.
Link: Just ‘cuz?
Rauru: Do these monsters ever have any goals or are they just wrecking shit up for the hell of it?
DED: Well, you know, monsters gonna...monst.
>>None dared travel the roads of Hyrule alone, except the chosen hero, Link.
Zelda: ...Because he has no friends with which to travel.
>>But even he was at the limit of his strength. He had ventured into a dark cave,
DED: Hmmmm, foreshadowing?
Link: I see what you did there.
>>and been surprised by the creatures lurking in the darkness.
Zelda: Well come now, they’d be pretty shitty cave monsters if they DIDN’T surprise him.
Link: Although at this point it takes a lot to surprise me.
DED: Contrary to popular belief, the Coriolis effect and being in the northern or southern hemisphere has only a negligible impact on what direction water circles the drain.
>>After barely escaping with his life, he was now trudging on to the nearest town, Rauru.
Zelda: No, that’s the name of the town.
Rauru: There’s a town named after me in Zelda II?
DED: There’s one for all the other Sages from Ocarina, too. And since Zelda II came first, you’re actually named after it.
DED: I know. It blew my mind.
>>Maybe he could find some hearts or a potion shop there.
Zelda: Okay, healing potions I get, but Link, why do you devour the hearts of your foes to regain strength? It’s really creepy. Does that...actually work?
Link: Oh absolutely, it’s better than crack. You should try it sometime.
>>The town of Rauru had a peaceful atmosphere despite the troubled times.
DED: I’m glad to hear that.
Link: Why? Is it because this peace is what all true warriors strive f— *gets punched in the jaw by Zelda*
DED: Because they’ll never see it coming.
Rauru: Uhhh...see...what coming?
DED: You’ll see. You’ll all see.
>>Link made his way past the townsfolk
Link: I wonder if I’ll talk to the “I AM ERROR” guy.
Rauru: Maybe he’s your sex partner.
Link: Ugh. Then he would be erroneous indeed.
>>and sturdy-looking log houses, until a beautiful woman in a red dress caught his attention.
Zelda: Link basically exists in a fugue state until some skirt catches his eye or there are monsters to slay.
>>Her gaze focused on him as well, and when Link was about to walk past her, she said, "Please let me help you. Come inside."
DED: Hahahahahaha, YES! I knew that lady was coming on to me. Anyone who played that game knows EXACTLY what this is talking about.
Link: Yeah...now I’m actually kinda disappointed that this story latched on to the obvious innuendo.
Rauru: Gay buttsex with Error would have been more interesting.
>>Before Link could even say anything,
DED: Not that he’s ever capable of such in his games.
Zelda: Oh Lord, how I wish he was a silent protagonist all the time.
Link: Look, if I don’t have some manner of epic quest to occupy my brain, it fills up with stuff and I have to let it all out through my mouth.
>>she had already started for the door of her house, and Link inadvertanly rested his gaze on her swaying hips.
Zelda: Oh come on, that was TOTALLY, uh, advertant.
Rauru: Or “advertan” as the author would have it, but whatever, neither one’s a real word.
Link: Look, it’s not my fault that the human eye is calibrated to prioritize moving objects.
DED: Such as dat ass.
>>With little hesitation, he followed her through the doorway.
Zelda: This is starting to remind me of the song “Hotel California.”
DED: I can...sort of see that.
Zelda: No really, he was on a dark desert highway when his head grew heavy and his eyes grew dim, so he had to stop for the night...and there she stood in the doorway. Eh? Eh?
DED: You might be on to something; let’s see how this develops.
>>The house was surprisingly spacious from the inside,
Rauru: As opposed to being spacious...outside? Uh yeah, there is usually plenty of space outside of a house.
>>but Link didn't feel like thinking
Zelda: Obvious joke, Link is dumb, &c.
Link: Wait, how the fuck do you pronounce that?
Link: Yes, that!
Zelda: Oh, it’s pronounced, “&c.”
>>about the size of the house
DED: Well you know what they say, it’s not about the size of the house, it’s the...uh...frottage in the cottage?
Rauru: Yes, that. Exactly that.
>>when the woman was already waiting a little further away by a wooden bed.
Zelda: “Well come ON, I haven’t got all day.”
>>The woman was even more beautiful up close.
DED: Yes, the elegance and grace of the electrons as they orbit the nuclei of her atoms, the subtle dance of the amino acids as they formed proteins in her...
Rauru: Not up THAT close.
DED: Well I think it’s beautiful.
>>She had long black hair falling against her back, curious blue eyes,
Link: Is that to say her eyes express her curiosity, or are they curious i.e. strange and unusual themselves?
>>and a red ribbon around her neck.
DED: Oh I’ll tie a yellow ribbon ‘round my...old...ho’...something...goddammit, I got nothin’.
Zelda: Just give it a rest.
DED: IT IS MY GIFT...AND MY CURSE.
>>She was buxom as well,
Rauru: This lady’s so generic. Like, her only character traits are she’s a slut with big tits, but who doesn’t have big tits in these stories anyway?
Link: Usually the dudes.
Rauru: Yeah but only because no one ever writes these stories with ME in ‘em.
Zelda: God Rauru, right, because everyone’s queuing the fuck up to see THAT.
>>and the red dress did little to conceal the shape of her full breasts,
Link: Failing its only function as an article of clothing.
Zelda: Not even doing nothing, but doing little. Like it’s just giving it a half-assed try, shrugging, and going back to napping on the couch.
Link: Fuck that dress, I hate it forever. It’s dead to me now and I hope it never appears again in the story.
Rauru: It probably won’t. Who cares? How long can it possibly remain on her body, and why would it be mentioned again?
>>straining tightly over them and offering cleavage generously.
Zelda: She would often generously offer her cleavage to orphanages and hospitals, but they always seem to turn it away for some reason.
Link: And that’s a shame because boobies are EXACTLY what I’d want if I were a sick person or an orphan.
DED: You actually are an orphan.
Link: Well there you go!
>>Her nipples as well, Link was surprised to see them poking through the fabric.
Zelda: Link is right, this dress blows. It’s inadequate in all sorts of ways.
DED: How is it inadequate for the job of being a hooker?! Its only purpose in this story is titillation.
Link: Oh, so that’s what it’s called when the nipples poke through! Usually your bigwordamatisms aren’t nearly so useful.
>>"I saw that you were tired. I can restore your life,"
Rauru: Well, uh...they could CREATE a life, in her womb, which would restore his life if...
Link: If I ate its heart! And her heart too!
DED: And since it’s a created life, it’s added a life to the world...so basically a 1-Up.
Zelda: Jesus Christ, how horrifying. Thankfully there are no extra lives in Zelda games.
DED: ...Actually yes there are...exclusively in Zelda II.
Zelda: Mother of god.
Link: Those crazy platformer days, man...I did a loooot of hearts back then.
Rauru: And had a lot of sex too I guess, which would fit in with the whole rock-star analogy we’re going for here.
>>she said with a playful tone in her voice, lifting her dress
Link: DAMMIT IT’S THAT SHITRAG AGAIN.
DED: This seems like an unreasonable amount of hate.
Link: I guess I just have standards when it comes to clothing, since clearly you don’t.
DED: ...don’t you even LIKE boobies?
>>to give Link a view of her round thigh and white undies.
Link: “Uhh...not that I’m complaining or anything, but what you’re proposing’s just gonna make me MORE tired. I mean I don’t think this’ll help with the snakebite I have and I’m pretty sure this is gonna re-fracture my broken leg but...alright I guess.”
>>"I am Sily."
Rauru: “Sily Güfbal.”
DED: More like “Slutti Dongobbler.”
>>Link was about to reply, but she said, "Link, I know,"
Zelda: Huh, I guess your fame is preceding you. That’s kind of realistic I g—
Link: Not to mention the SOURCE of that fame, at the moment! HYOOOOOOOO!
>>and gave a wink.
DED: So does “Link, I know” mean that she knows his name, or that she knows anything he’s thinking of saying?
>>He nodded, more as an acknowledgement,
Rauru: And less as a completely arbitrary gesture devoid of any meaning?
Zelda: He’s got a lot of those.
>>but Sily took it as agreement,
Link: That’s what a nod IS, for god’s sake.
DED: Why would he nod exclusively to acknowledge the fact that she wants to fuck, in the first place, and how could he expect it to ever possibly convey the meaning he intended?
>>and approached him with confidence.
Rauru: I would imagine a qualified doctor like her has confidence in her years of schooling.
>>She rested her body against Link's, strong and taller than her,
DED: Link’s strong-and-taller-than-her...what?
Link: OH I THINK YOU KNOW!
>>and tried his lips with hers,
Zelda: The lips, as co-defendants, were found guilty and fined $250 for vandalizing the urinal.
>>feeling the heat radiate from her cheeks.
Rauru: And her nose and her ears and her fingertips and pretty much all over really.
>>He breathed heavily, she went "Mmm,"
DED: A more involved case of “He said, she said.”
>>then tried to remove his shirt. It was a tight fit, though, so she settled on kissing his chest through his shirt, and then moving on.
Link: Like her dress, she’s just unprofessional. Ohhh, it was hard, I’ll just give up. Lemme tell ya bitch, in your line of work, ALL YOU DO is deal with things that are hard.
>>"Oh, you're all hard already. Am I that nice?"
Rauru: I dunno, I suppose she seems pretty friendly thus far.
>>she asked as she felt Link's lump through his pants,
Zelda: Don’t tell me she’s gonna give up on THIS one as well.
DED: Wait, DO tell me that.
>>and he sighed something that sounded like a positive response.
Link: “Huh puhwuhtuhve huhhonse.”
Zelda: Or maybe he was actually saying, um...“appositive Reese ponce.”
>>With a swift motion, Sily dragged Link's pants down,
DED: And everyone in gym class laughed and laughed.
>>making his rod spring up, out in the open.
Rauru: So given that she only pulled down his pants, specifically, I guess he was just going commando that day.
Link: EVERY day. We’ve been over this.
>>As Link watched on eagerly, she first took hold of his meat
Link: “Hey, that’s my lunch! Give it back!”
DED: Don’t you get an item in some Zelda game that’s a hunk of meat? You use it as monster bait or something.
>>and dragged his foreskin back.
Rauru: Foreskin and seven years ago...
>>The head reveaked in its entirety, she then give it a kiss, followed by a few licks,
Zelda: She runs a very full-service hotel.
>>making Link's stomach squirm with excitement.
Link: Well gosh, I hope I don’t puke all over the nice lady.
>>Then she took it in her mouth,
DED: Took it where in her mouth?
>>dragging her lips along the head to the shaft,
Rauru: Oh they’re SOOOOOOOO heavy.
>>taking her mouth back and then forward again,
Zelda: Yeah we’re aware how blowjobs work, thanks.
>>with her hands caressing his calves or buttocks, or Link's ballbag, and he was enjoying it all.
Link: But probably I’d be enjoying the calf massage the least, if I’m being honest.
Rauru: Well hey, don’t knock it. Massaging your exhausted muscles might be the only thing she does this whole story that might actually help, y’know, restore your life.
>>Sily was enjoying her blowjob herself as well.
DED: It’s so nice to see a woman with such a fulfilling career.
>>His scent was strong, overpowering,
Link: I told you all the ladies love it.
>>his quiet sounds of pleasure lovely to her sensitive elven ears,
Rauru: The sound of her dripping faucet, however, was slowly driving her mad.
DED: Mad enough to lure a random guy off the street and start sucking his dick, for free.
>>and the silky feel of his hard cock in her mouth exciting.
Zelda: I’ve never been a hooker before but I imagine the excitement would wear off pretty fast.
>>Her pussy was already yearning for attention,
Link: She’s such an attention whore, and also the non-attentive type of whore.
>>but the most she could do now was to knead her tits in self-inflicted frustration.
Rauru: That’s kind of an odd way to work through your frustration. Why not just grit your te...
Link: *involuntarily crosses legs*
Rauru: ...oh right.
>>He would be no good to her in this state anymore,
Link: Wait, that’s...kinda out of left field. What’s with this “You’ve failed me for the last time” shit all of a sudden?
>>since he was obviously getting near already,
>>probably due to the unreleased pressure built up during his travels.
DED: Yes, because the male reproductive system basically just a shoddily-designed Super Soaker and has no capacity to regulate the production of sperm.
Zelda: You’re kinda reaching on that one.
>>He was backed up indeed,
Rauru: He can’t get no, satisfaction. He can’t get no, girly action.
DED: ‘Cuz he tries…and he tries...and he TRIES...and he TRIIIIIiiiies...he can’t get no!
Link: Look shut the fuck up, maybe YOU wouldn’t mind getting sucked off by a hideous mummy or a fire-breathing lizard but I am NOT into that shit and GUESS FUCKING WHAT, that’s all that’s available. Not like there’s ever a slutty succubus monster in Zelda games.
Zelda: Unless there’s a Chapter 2 to this story.
>>and Sily soon found that out when he came, first groaning helplessly and then with full frenzy as his tension went beyond his breaking point.
DED: Grossest...Limit Break...ever.
>>With shocks in his spine, his cock first spurted its loads
Rauru: It’s usually singular, I thought.
Link: No, cuz it’s like, my load is so huge that it’s loads. It’s a whatchumasay, “superbole.”
DED: Okay, you’re an idiot, but it contains like a million billion sperm so it’s loads of something.
>>in her mouth, then slipped out from between her lips, still spasming,
Zelda: Holy cow man, you’re out of control!
>>spraying Sily's face and chest with thick blasts of his cum,
Rauru: The carnage! The anarchy! The horror!
>>and she giggled under his rain of semen. It flew everywhere,
DED: EVERYWHERE I TELL YOU! MADNESS!!!
>>covering her face with stripes of spooge,
Zelda: Ye gods! Will this wanton rampage never end?
>>with some in her hair,
Link: HER HAIR, you say?! IT CANNOT BE!
>>and a lot covering the bare skin of her chest and cleavage, making a mess of the red dress around her busts as well.
DED: Oh woe! Alas! All is fallen to sticky ruin. Is there no balm in Gilead? Tell me! Tell me truly, I implore!
>>With a final, profound groan,
>>Link was spent and dazed,
DED: Truly hath no man dumped so great and so terrible a load.
>>and looked back down at Sily.
Rauru: How can he ever come to terms with what he’s done?
>>Sily's face was dripping with cum,
Link: And resentment. Cum and resentment.
>>with strands resting on and seeping into her hair and dripping down her locks.
Zelda: Uh, “It was in her hair and also in her hair.” Gotcha.
>>Ropes of spooge ran down her forehead
DED: I bet we could genetically engineer Link to emit actual ropes of spooge, by making him produce spider silk from his dick!
Link: Uh, whatever you say Dr. Frankenperv.
DED: Just think of it: Peter Pecker, a high-school pornography buff, is bitten on the dick by a radioactive...
Link: ...my ship sails in the morning!
Zelda: GODDAMMIT LINK!
>>to the sides of her nose, her cheeks and lips splattered with stray loads.
DED: ...and here are some MORE things on her head that are now slimy and gross.
>>The sticky, yet viscous spunk gathered from her face to her chin, drooping from there onto her chest, which was already thoroughly splotched with seed.
Link: Yes, yes, your point, please?
Zelda: Link, for you of all people to complain about speaking with no poi—
Link: ...is EXACTLY what I meant by “adjustable headrest!” So I argued for two MORE hours until the manager came to...
>>She was letting the copious load in her mouth drool out as well,
Rauru: Just plain wallowing in that crud. It’s deplorable.
Zelda: Rauru, now YOU’RE being a gigantic hypocri—
Rauru: *spraying chocolate syrup from the bottle all over mouth and beard* Wuh? Oou ahht summih sayame?
>>joining the spunk dripping down from her chin. Protein loads covered her round tits,
DED: Pff-ff-fffff, right.
Link: That’s actually not very specific, although contextually it’s pretty clear. But her tits could just as easily be covered in an ACTUAL protein shake, or bacon or something.
Rauru: I’ve watched that porno.
Zelda: You would, wouldn’t you?
Rauru: Only for the bacon!
>>on her skin as well as on the dress,
Link: ...which sucks and I hate it, and now I hate it even more.
>>and more was trailing down her cleavage,
Zelda: Wow, good thing he didn’t shoot this load into her actual uterus, or she’d probably be pregnant with octuplets already.
>>with the wet sperm making its way
DED: Exhibit A: sperm aren’t “wet,” they’re haploid cells suspended in a liquid medium. Exhibit B: “Sperm” is plural, “its” is singular.
>>past her breasts and wetting the dress clinging onto her skin.
Rauru: And everything is ruined forever.
>>The beautiful full mounds were splattered with thick white cum, and the beautiful red dress was a jizzed-up mess, covered with white jism
Link: Point = made.
Rauru: Give it a rest!
Zelda: Seriously, it would have been faster to just list the places and things that AREN’T soaked with semen.
>>and dark splotches where Link's manmilk
DED: Scraping the bottom of the ol’ Synonym Barrel, I see.
>>had seeped into the fabric. Link's cock was still dripping sperm,
Rauru: I can’t help but feel this is something of a waste.
Link: Maybe I’m so exhausted because I expended my energy MAKING all this sperm in the first place.
Zelda: You went to all that effort, and not a drop served its actual biological function.
>>right on front of her face, on which there was one obvious feeling underneath the semen –
DED: Oh, THAT feeling again.
Zelda: You reeeeeeally ought to get used to it constantly showing up in these stories.
>>While Link was still heaving with the exertion,
Rauru: So, progress?
Rauru: Curing his exhaustion and battle wounds.
Link: Uh...negative. Not “negative” in the sense of “negatory good buddy,” but like things have been made actively worse.
>>Sily stood up to her full height
DED: 42,963 feet and 8 inches.
>>and undid the sash around her dress. Then, for a tease,
Zelda: Teasing is no laughing matter.
>>she lifted up the dress, and revealed her thighs and stomach, only to let it back down again.
DED: Wait, she did that already. Remember? Earlier? And for the same reason?
Link: You mean she’s out of ideas already? Laaaaaame.
>>Link gulped as she pushed her shoulder straps over her shoulders and finally,
>>pushed the top of dress down to reveal those beautiful tits,
Zelda: Oh THOSE beautiful tits.
>>jiggling as they came free from the dress's hold.
DED: Tee hee, she was jiggling.
DED: “She” is the subject of the sentence, to which “jiggling” refers.
Link: Stiiiiiill not gettin’ ya.
DED: “She pushed words words words, jiggling as...”
Zelda: Look, he can barely dress himself, much less understand grammar mistakes that even people with semi-humanoid intelligence might make.
DED: Fair enough. Or, rather, that’s fucking pathet—
Link: But technically “she” IS what’s jiggling.
DED: ...dammit, you’re right.
>>She slipped the dress quickly down her body,
Rauru: Oh, sure, NOW you develop a sense of urgency.
Link: Not like I’ve got anything better I should be doing, if you don’t count the SACRED QUEST to SAVE THE PLANET...
>>with both her tits and the strands of sperm hanging down when she bent,
Zelda: Gravity! Hooray!
>>then lifted the jumble back up and casually wiped most of Link's cum on her skin onto the skirt.
Link: So she just wipes up all the jizz with her CLOTHES? Wh...why? That makes no sense.
>>Noticing Link's look, she said, "Oh, don't worry. I have another."
DED: Pfffffffffffff, what the HELL?
Rauru: Uh, okay...I wasn’t really worrying about it...
Zelda: Actually, I’m fairly surprised she can afford two nice dresses on a healer/prostitute’s salary.
>>Now she was pretty much presentable again, although maybe not too respectable,
DED: Oh, have no fear that we would ever mistake her for someone worthy of respect.
>>standing there only in her undies and the red ribbon around her neck,
Link: Right, that’s totally “presentable!”
>>looking expectantly at Link
Rauru: Simmer down sparky, no one likes a pushy whore.
>>with a few remains of his sperm glistening on her face and chest.
Zelda: Gosh, I wonder if this author has a fetish for gratuitous cumshots or something.
>>Considering how much he still had on, he managed to undress quite quickly,
DED: Well gee, I would consider that, IF I HAD ANY FUCKING IDEA how much he had on!
Rauru: Seriously, I think so far the author has mentioned “pants” and “shirt.” Well hooo-lee SHIT!
>>and the naked pair was quickly together again
Link: Live, at the Hippodrome!
Zelda: The Hippodrome really lowered its standards.
>>in embrace, their naked skin brushing against the other's
DED: Ooooh, if it’s supposed to be possessive, it’s just i-t-s, but if it’s supposed to be a contraction then it’s i-t-apostrophe-s! Scalawag!
>>as they kissed again. Link's hands found its way to her busts,
Link: How conVEEENient!
Rauru: Yeah, sure, they found their way there completely at random.
>>feeling their lovely form
Zelda: File it in triplicate and wait six to eight weeks.
>>and smooth curve, teasing the erect nipples.
DED: So I guess he’s using one hand to feel the form, one for the smooth curve, and a third one to tease the nipples.
Link: Well, I’ve always wanted a third hand for more efficient titty-groping.
>>Now that he was naked, she loved to feel up his strong frame as well.
Rauru: Previously, she was mired in ambivalence.
>>Her hand went to his meat,
Zelda: People are mostly composed of meat, you know.
>>but it didn't feel like it would be quite up yet. Link's hands had a similar destination, though,
DED: Yep, every night, and sometimes during the day in the men’s room.
>>making their way past her stomach, with a little roundness, onto her ass,
Link: That’s not a very similar destination.
Rauru: Similar in spirit I suppose, if nothing else.
>>and with the other hand,
DED: Wait, wait, let me clarify: “Link’s hands...making their way...and with the other hand...”
Zelda: You mean...
DED: ...he actually DOES have three hands!
>>creeping over her undies, exciting her.
Link: And the crowd goes wild!
All (monotone): Yaaay.
>>He could feel her wetness as he grasped her clothed crotch,
Rauru: Are panties actually “clothes?”
DED: Technically? Maybe?
Zelda: As the only person here who wears them (I hope to God), I will deliver a verdict and say that they’re not clothes, but they can “clothe” something.
Link: Also, is gum “food?” This has been driving me nuts.
DED: Truly, the world is full of mysteries.
>>and after a few rubs,
Link: *DJ-style record scratching noises*
>>he maneuvered the cloth to the side and slid two fingers between Sily's wet, swollen pussy lips, exciting her more.
DED: If she gets any more excited, she’ll up and release a packet of photons.
>>The feeling of her hot cunt around his was turning him on as well,
Rauru: His cunt?!?
Zelda: Don’t wanna know.
>>and their kiss intensified as he finger-fucked her wetness.
Link: And, you know, her vajayjay.
>>Then Link took to her breasts,
DED: Jolly good!
Link: I take to breasts like a duck to water, I do I do!
>>suckling the other and kneading the other with his free hand,
Rauru: Sooooo suckling and kneading the same one?
Zelda: No, it’s the other, and the other other.
>>all the while not relenting at her sex,
DED: This phrase sort of sounds like a rape testimony being given in broken English.
>>and quite soon, he felt himself hardening again.
Rauru: Huh, I wouldn’t think that this experience would make him jaded and insensitive to the ever-present hardships of the world.
Link: Uh, no, I’m not hardening emotionally.
Rauru: Well what are you then, a Metapod?
>>"Ah! No more!" she exclaimed
Zelda: Yep, time’s up, move along, got a schedule to keep.
>>and withdrew to the bed,
DED: Fall back! The center cannot hold!
>>undressed her wet undies
Rauru: What? Her clothes have clothes?
Zelda: Panties aren’t clothes! We just settled this!
>>and threw herself on the bed on her side, spreading her legs and then her needy lips with her fingers.
Link: “So, uh, not that I’m ungrateful, but when exactly is the whole restoration-of-life thing going to happen? I only ask because my wounds are turning gangrenous and I’m pretty sure there’s some hemorrhaging going on in th...”
>>Link gave his cock a few strokes and happily jumped onto the bed,
Rauru: This is pretty much your best day on the job, ever.
Zelda: Ya know, it’s true, sex never seems to make people happy in these stories, except this one.
>>and soon he was on his side, behind her on the bed, guiding his piece
Link: ...which is what ALL true warriors strive f— *gets punched by Zelda again*
>>into her black-framed cove.
DED: ...Don’t think too hard about it. Just another metaphor gone wrong.
>>Her flesh accepted him eagerly,
Zelda: That has some sinister undertones, there.
>>and Link started fucking her,
DED: Wow. You know, that’s pretty much the gist of the whole story. Really, you could just stop right there.
Link: It’s true, the whole rest of the story is just going to basically boil down to that one phrase.
>>holding her leg in the air,
Rauru: Uh, still attached to her body, right?
Link: But everyone knows hookers are made to be dismembered!
>>extending his other arm around her to get another feel of those fantastic tits.
Zelda: Yep, this Sily character’s just bursting with personality traits. I mean she’s got fantastic tits, and...um...hair, and...a dress?
>>She whimpered in pace with his pounding,
DED: Child abuse, or tender lovemaking? You decide!
>>getting overpowered with her need and the sensations from her cock-filled pussy.
Rauru: Bring me your finest dish, stuffed with your second-finest!
>>Amid sounds of passion, they worked each other,
Link: Well, all work and no play makes...uh...raw and blistered penis?
>>flesh slapping and grinding against flesh,
>>their sweaty skin pressing together,
Zelda: Nothin’ sexier than wallowing in one another’s secretions.
>>spiced with kisses, licks, caresses and gropes,
Rauru: Personally I would have recommended coriander.
>>both from him and her,
DED: Hey, you know what this sentence needs? Some more clauses.
Link: Yeah, not enough commas in this sentence.
>>swirling around the previously made bed so frantically that it was getting quite unmade.
DED: Erased forever from time and space?
Zelda: Nothing so dramatic, it’s simply getting un-carpentered back into logs, which are then un-lumberjacked back into trees.
>>Sily stretched herself over the bed, handing her head
Rauru: One letter makes all the difference.
>> over the edge as Link kept thrusting into her,
Link: Keep on thrusting in the free world!
>>Link took her in his lap and they fucked like that for a while,
DED: In all sincerity, I thank the author for the brisk pace.
Zelda: “And they fucked and fucked and fucked, and then fucked in a different way, and then fucked some more, and then they were done. The End.”
>>sharing a long, needy kiss,
Rauru: Needs must as the devil...uh, something. Bakes a pie, probably.
>>and Sily took to riding him, bouncing her body forward and back as she leaned over him,
DED: If I could eradicate one ill that plagues mankind, it would be the run-on sentence.
Zelda: Not, I dunno, war?
Zelda: Poverty? Disease? The looming specter of our own mortality?
DED: Fuck that shit. Have you read these sentences?
>>with her tits swinging sensually
Link: Doooooo your tits hang low, do they wobble to and fro, can you tie ‘em in a knot, can you tie ‘em in a...
Zelda: Oh God, just stop.
>>when not in Link's grasp.
The pace of their lovemaking had casually been picking up speed,
Rauru: A few errant thrusts here, the occasional cock-slap there, and before you know it, BAM! They’re breaking Mach 1.
DED: It’s quite the, uh, slippery slope.
>>with the feeling of unattainable bliss
Link: That’s the worst kind of bliss!
>>growing more urgent in Sily's moans, and Link's groans becoming more strained.
Rauru: Straining is something you can do to food, you know.
Rauru: I rather like food, all things considered.
Zelda: You don’t say.
>>Link was fucking her from behind, leaning forcefully against her back,
Link: You SHOW that back who’s boss!
>>with her long black hair brushed to the side,
Rauru: If you didn’t use a brush to move it, is it really “brushed”?
Link: No, no, we can’t do any more of those until we get the whole “is-gum-food” thing resolved.
Rauru: Food is something you eat. You don’t eat gum, you chew it. Gum ain’t food, Q.E.D.
DED: In light of your staggering level of experience, I will yield to your verdict.
>>his pelvis slapping against her round butt,
Zelda: I’d feel sorry for anyone who has, I dunno, a square butt.
Link: A robot, perhaps.
DED: There! That is where you went wrong. That should be a period. Not another fucking conjunction. Please. I beg of you.
>>Sily was supporting Link with her back,
Zelda: The fuck? How?
>>loving the feel
>>of his hard gropes on her breasts and his hard cock pounding in her pussy,
Link: It’s like a rhapsody of parallelism!
>>parting her flesh again and again,
DED: In love and in war, Link is damn good at parting flesh.
>>with her fluids running down her thighs, her swollen lips aching for more,
Zelda: But not more of this SENTENCE, certainly.
Link: Seriously, this sentence has more clauses than a German phone book.
>>their skin slick with sweat.
Rauru: Hey hey mama, ’said the way you move, gon’ make you sweat, gon’ make you groove!
>>"Oh! Oh yes!" she exclaimed
DED: No one asked you anything, shut up.
>>and extended a hand to aid her climax,
Zelda: And to salute the glorious Führer, of course.
>>giving her sensitive clit soft rubs while Link's tool went in and out
>>her pussy. That did the trick,
Link: Aye, there’s the (literal) rub!
>>and she snapped,
DED: Welp, you can only stave off madness for so long, I suppose.
>>her back arching and her head swinging low in a futile effort to weather her blissful wracking,
Zelda: That has to be the most ridiculously highfalutin way to describe an orgasm I’ve ever heard.
DED: How about “ambrosial endorphin suffusion?”
Zelda: Well, I knew if anyone could come up with something MORE highfalutin, it’d be you.
>>drool escaping from the side of her mouth.
Rauru: Ah durr.
Link: I’m ALREADY inside! I’m all the way into your BED for crissakes!
>>I want your cum!"
>>she yelled at Link, ecstatic.
Zelda: Trust me, spend more than about a half-hour with Link, and you’ll be yelling at him for a very different reason.
Link: I can’t WAIT to bomb some Dodongos!
Zelda: SHUT UP GODDAMMIT!!!
>>He might have done so anyway,
Rauru: Yep, you’re the one stuck with the bastard child, bitch!
>>since he was barely holding out in the hold of Sily's spasming pussy,
DED: Truly it was the Helm’s Deep of vaginal penetration.
>>coaching his cock for its seed, and with a roar of defeat,
Zelda: Vae victis.
>>he surrendered to his climax, his balls sending copious loads of sperm into Sily's cove,
Link: Now I’m not saying she’s fat, but her genitals ARE named after a geographical feature.
>>who moaned in delight at the feeling of Link's warm spunk filling her insides.
Rauru: Or perhaps in despair at the feeling of her meaningless, wasted existence.
>>Link grunted again and again
Zelda: Come on now Link, use your words!
Link: Gnurrr! Ghnghaarghh!
DED: Language, boy, language!
>>as his shaft unloaded inside her, until he felt completely drained,
Link: What the HELL, Sily!? You were supposed to be healing me! I fucking KNEW this wouldn’t work!
>>and fell to Sily's side on the bed. Sily collapsed as well,
Zelda: Everything is ruined.
>>exhausted and satisfied,
DED: Well at least SOMEONE’s satisfied.
Link: Worst doctor ever, zero out of ten, would not fuck again.
>>with some of Link's load starting to spill out from her.
>>"That was... great," Sily heaved.
Zelda: “That was HORRLARGLBARGLBARF...great. R-really great.”
>>"Please come back... whenever, huff, you need me."
DED: Are you aware that, as a video game protagonist, Link has no conception of night and day, or their attendant societal customs? He’s going to show up at four in the morning holding his own severed arm.
Link: I haven’t slept in two weeks. True story.
>>She was an incredibly sexy sight, lying on her side on the bed, her naked body flustered and sweaty.
Zelda: So, let’s do an “incredibly sexy” checklist. “Naked”: Possibly. “Flustered,” “Sweaty”: Almost certainly not.
Rauru: “Beef Bourgogne”: absolutely yes.
>>Even her full, round ass
DED: What the hell do they mean when they say someone’s ass or tits are “full?” I see it all the time and it’s a totally empty word.
Zelda: Well, I’m an optimist: I say the ass is half-full.
>>moved in pace with her exhausted pants.
Link: Hee hee hee hee! Tired trousers.
Rauru: This is even better because “pants” goes so perfectly with “ass.”
Zelda: Indeed. I would expect that one’s pants would move at the same pace as one’s ass.
DED: You all seem to be missing the horrifying implication that she has lungs in her buttocks.
>>Her legs were bent on the side,
Link: I break-a you legs!
>>giving an open view of her behind and nether regions,
Rauru: They should build a scenic overlook.
DED: So we can more easily overlook her.
>>as if her body language was begging Link to spoon her, fuck her, fill her hot snatch again.
Zelda: Yeah, well, no hurry or anything. By the way, a dozen innocent children were torn in half by monsters in the time it took you to do that.
DED: And furthermore I wouldn’t say it’s “as though” her body language says she’s a slut, it pretty much just...does.
>>Some of Link's thick, creamy load
Link: Well, I did put in that stint as a nougat-truck driver.
>>was running down from her swollen, red and wet pussy
DED: Run to the hiiiilllllls! Run foo-oor your lii-ii-iiives!
>>onto her thigh, with her nether regions already glistening wet
Zelda: Her nether regions OTHER than her pussy?
>>with the sex fluids she had spilled during their lovemaking.
Rauru: Between this and the unmade bed, everything’s just a fucking mess now. How could sex possibly be worth it?
DED: I guess you’ll never know, Rauru.
>>Link was in no rush to get away,
Rauru: You mean he’s NOT in a big hurry to get back to his monster-infested caves?
>>but he certainly felt like his life energy had come back.
DED: Wait, that actually WORKED?
Zelda: Sooooo picking up hearts is equivalent to hot nasty sex?
Link: I told you, it’s better than crack. And faeries, HOLY SHIT. They’re like blowjobs from God.
Rauru: In any case, I bet med school is a lot more fun in the Zelda II-niverse.
>>Soon he turned over to Sily to cuddle and kiss her,
Zelda: Wait, wait, cuddling? Afterglow? This is unprecedented!
Link: I know, usually the author has completely lost interest after the money shot.
>>wrapping his arm around her and fondling her tits.
Zelda: That, though, is kind of a one-sided cuddling.
>>Just a little rest to settle his sexual exhaustion,
Link: Just a few hearts man, just to get my head straight...c’mon, patch of grass, don’t hold out on me! Fuck, I’mma have to go pot-smashing soon if I don’t get my fix...
>>and he would be ready to take on the followers of darkness again.
Rauru: I wonder if any of these monsters would really self-identify as “follower of darkness.”
DED: It’s all relative, I suppose. For all we know, Ganon was just about to start opening schools and hospitals and libraries everywhere, right before Link busted in and stabbed him right in the face. Maybe patronize the arts.
>>He would come back, however, many times,
Zelda: Oh good, her life has been enriched beyond her wildest dreams.
>>to Sily and women like her in other villages.
DED: Ye Olde Towne Slutte.
>>It would also mean that there would be many more Links in the years to come.
Link: Wait, so...I get to bang countless hot women...save the world...be remembered forever in song and legend as the savior of the land...and spread my lineage to the far corners of the globe?
DED: Yeah, and since by the time you beat the game you’ve acquired all the best items the world has to offer and become an invincible badass, you’d basically be the Genghis Khan of Hyrule.
Link: FUCKIN’ A! This is the happiest ending yet, and I don’t mean it in a sexual way! Although I guess I also do!
Zelda: And we got to learn some interesting and/or horrifying things about this odd little corner of Nintendo history. A good day, all told.
Link: I still can’t get over this ending. I fucking win at life in this story. Zelda II is my new favorite thing I did, and I don’t mean that in a sexual way! And I actually don’t!
Rauru: Well, we’d better get going. After all, there is no time.
Link: ...Your sword is enough!
Zelda: DAMMIT! You bastard, you set him up!
Rauru: Hee hee hee!
DED: In any case, he’s right, that’s all, folks. Or should I say, squadalah! We’re off!