In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space
We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:
Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “It’s a trap!”
Rauru! “But beefsteak is delicious!”
Zelda! “Caviar and cigarettes, well versed in etiquette!”
Link! “Spins clocks and rocks socks!”
If you don’t get how he stays alive
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!
>>It was such a nice day in Zora’s Domain.
Link: A nice day…for a murder.
>>Well, every day was, to be completely honest,
DED: Well, if you want to be COMPLETELY honest, you’d have to say, “I’m a desperately lonely little man who writes about the sex lives of video game characters in a futile attempt to quell my raging, unfulfilled desires.”
Zelda: It’s okay, Dave. You’re among friends here.
DED: Shut up.
Rauru: No, Zelda, geez, don’t encourage him.
DED: I said shut up, damn you!
Link: Don’t they make you put up a sign in your yard if you’re a known sex pervert?
DED: I can’t believe you don’t shut up!
>>a little fact that Mikau had known for some years, now.
Zelda: I wonder what the five-day forecast on Zora news looks like.
DED: If what it says is true, you should actually have a pretty good idea.
>>The sun was shining down from far above,
Link: Unless the sun is having the same problem the moon seemed to have.
Rauru: Then, you’d have something to REALLY worry about.
>>the bright rays shimmering against the river bottom, warming Mikau’s skin
DED: Hey, wait. Correct me if I’m wrong, but Mikau is dead.
Link: Whoa. You are correct.
Zelda: So this is either set before he died or...it’s really fucking creepy.
Rauru: Hey, Link, do you ever feel guilty about wearing that mask and pretending to be him? I mean, it was like Weekend at Bernie’s with magic.
Link: Nah. I don’t think I’ve ever felt guilty about anything. I’m just glad I wasn’t around when they finally figured out he was gone.
>>and the rock he rested on wherever they touched. The water in this river was cleaner than anywhere else.
DED: If Al Gore ruled Termina.
>>The various plants that adorned the river were blooming, the whole place alive with color,
Link: The colors, man!
>>the sign of Spring for them.
Zelda: The rest of the year a soul-crushing morass by comparison.
Rauru: But...it’s nice out every day.
>>But most of all, it was peaceful. It usually was in his spot, though, save for one key interruption that reoccurred.
DED: Ow. My brain.
>>And since it hadn’t happened yet that day, he was sure it was coming.
Rauru: Heartburn pain. Stalking him all day long...
>>Experience had taught him that.
Link: But experience never teaches me anything!
Zelda: And what does that say about you?
Link: Thaaaaaaat...I’m too sexy for experience?
>>And so, it all seemed on cue, almost as if it were planned into a schedule,
DED: As if it had been preordained by some outside force, is what they’re getting at.
Rauru: As though some probability-altering influence was at work, is the general thrust here.
Link: Ha ha, “general thrust.”
>>when Japas swam up about an hour later.
Zelda: An hour later than...what?
>>He floated around the rock for a few moments, eyeing Mikau,
DED: Yeah, whenever I enter a room, I like to take a few moments to creep around on the balls of my feet and eye people.
Zelda: You know. Just in case.
>>though it was impossible to tell with the style of his cephalic fins.
Link: Oh, wow, thanks, Miriam Freakin’ Webster.
Rauru: Oh, the kids today with their cephalic fins, they look damn ridiculous! Now back in my day...
>>And then, without any sort of announcement, he plopped himself down on the rock,
DED: Announcement? We were supposed to expect an announcement?
Zelda: “Hey, man, I’m going to go ahead and, like, plop down on the rock in like a couple seconds? Okay? So, yeah, just letting you know. Okay, ready? We clear? Plopping down on the rock now.”
Link: I’m so going to start doing that.
Zelda: Oh, please, please don’t.
Link: Okay, Zelda? Right about now I’m going to, you know, ignore you and do it anyway? Just giving you a heads-up.
>>letting out a light breath of what sounded like relief.
Rauru: Relief? Weee-eell, I guess he plopped more than just himself down on the rock!
Link: All right, I have an announcement: I’m going to be disgusted by Rauru’s comment, is that cool with everyone?
Zelda: Fine by me. Oh, hey, Link, if it’s all the same to you, I’d like to announce that I’m going to punch you as hard as I can, probably within the next couple of seconds, so, you know, just throwin’ that out there.
Link: No, wait, not cool! OW!
>>Mikau opened one eye just enough to see him.
Link: Yeah, you don’t want to strain yourself.
Rauru: But I WOULD like some strained peaches.
Link: Please, God, strike down this obnoxious fatass, in thy mercy...
Rauru: Hee hee, Zelda, he called you a fatass.
>>“Yo.” Japas greeted, the traditional way that he and Mikau shared.
DED: Ah yes, the ancient, traditional Zora “Yo.” Nothing is more iconic.
Zelda: I hear some young Zoras are defying tradition and saying, “’Sup.”
>>Mikau let out a breath.
Link: “Whoa, dude, you DID hold your breath until I got back! I didn’t think you could do it!”
>>“I knew you’d show up eventually.”
Rauru: You left your albums at my place.
>>“Duh. You’ve got, like…the best spot in the whole river.”
Zelda: Like, totally.
>>Japas nodded sagely.
DED: Truly, his wisdom is vast.
Link: Teach us transcendence, radical surfer dude.
>>“But, if you don’t want me around…”
Rauru: “...could you at least tell me the sex pairing for this story? I just can’t figure it out.”
Link: Rauru...I think we’re looking at it.
Rauru: You have got to be fucking kidding me.
Zelda: Think about it, have you ever read one of these where the two partners are introduced any later than paragraph number three?
Rauru: No, but I can hope, dammit. I can hope.
>>“Nah, it’s not that. Just…”
DED: “You smell bad. There, I said it.”
>>Mikau sighed, an arm dangling over the edge of his rock, fingers idly plucking at the little flowers.
Link: Yeah. He’s so gay.
>>“Don’t you ever get tired of hanging out?”
Zelda: “Do you want to maybe try chillaxing instead?”
>>“Uh, no…not really. Why? Do you?”
Rauru: Hanging out is ENDLESSLY entertaining!
>>“Kinda. I mean, it’s just…
DED: “...you ever feel like crying and you don’t know why?”
>>man, all we do is hang out or practice. It’s like that’s all there is now.”
Zelda: I WANT THIS NIGHTMARE TO BE OVER!
>>“Dude…” Japas smirked down at him.
>>Mikau knew the expression,
DED: Yeah, it’s slang for “a person.”
>>had seen it a million times before, namely anytime that Japas was up to no good.
Rauru: Wait, you mean they named all one million times?
Link: Time #355,287: “Joey.”
>>“I can think of something different for us to do.”
Zelda: (sensually) “Racquetball.”
>>Mikau stared at him silently, debating.
DED: “CAN he think of something different for us to do? I don’t know if he can. On the one hand...”
>>The rational part of his mind wanted him to
Rauru: ...eat a hundred corn dogs...
>>stay as far away from whatever Japas was thinking,
Zelda: That’s a little extreme, don’t you think?
>>while the irrational part wanted to
Rauru: ...eat a hundred MILLION corn dogs.
>>jump up and demand to be told.
Link: While the semi-rational part wanted to jump up WHILE staying far away.
>>And, like any other time that Japas was involved, it was irrationality that won.
DED: Japas is pure entropy, the very heart of madness.
Rauru: “Just go on with your little story.”
>>“Man, it’s Spring.
Link: Yes, it Is.
>>It’s mating season!
Zelda: Duck season!
DED: Wabbit season!
>>And, like…so far no girls have even approached us.
Link: I thought rock stars get all the chicks.
>>I’m totally not complaining about that or anything, that’s cool,
Rauru: “You know, scorn and rejection, lifetime of frustration, I’m down.”
DED: Spoken from the heart, Rauru.
Rauru: Heeey, I still have hope. Alls I know is, I’m not going to do anything THESE two guys do.
>>but…” Japas cleared his throat and looked away, staring out through the clear water.
Zelda: This looks like a good place to dump some poison.
Link: As good a place as any.
>>“The season has an affect on us, as well, you know? And I want to…well, you know…”
Rauru: I think it’s maybe a little early in the mating season to resort to this...
DED: “Dude, no, wait, I know this chick? Absolute freak.”
>>Mikau thought over the words for a long moment,
Zelda: “What DOES he mean by that?”
>>and then grinned up at Japas. “I should have known. Just dying to get laid. Perv!”
DED: Literally, just dying.
Rauru: They only live long enough to mate once, then they die.
Link: Explain why Ruto’s still around, then.
Zelda: Her, she just won’t go away.
>>Japas turned hastily and glared at his friend. “As if you’re not!”
DED: Look, can I introduce you two gentlemen to what I call “masturbating?”
Rauru: I don’t believe we’ve met.
Zelda: Oh, come on, Rauru.
Rauru: Seriously. I can’t reach.
Zelda: Ulrurgh. I think I just vomited a little in my throat.
Link: He does make some good points about, you know, gay sex for no good reason.
Zelda: Wouldn’t it suck to be a guy and survive a nuclear holocaust and find out there’s only one person left on earth, and it’s a man?
DED: In the Garden with Adam and Steve. Da-dum, TSSH!
>>Japas nodded then, satisfied with Mikau’s inability to come up with a decent retort.
Zelda: That pretty much describes my relationship. I’m satisfied with Link’s various inabilities.
Link: Now wait just a minute, that makes me feel very...um...what’s a word that means...never mind.
>>As far as he was concerned, his point was proven.
DED: And I guess that’s all that matters then.
>>And after all the years that he’d known Mikau, it was only natural. But that went both ways, too. Mikau knew Japas just as well as Japas knew him.
Link: As much as Japas knows himself?
DED: Hey, waaaaait, wasn’t Japas the incredibly fat drummer?
Rauru: No, no, that was someone else. Toto or
SoHo or something.
DED: Oh thank God.
>>Mikau let out another breath
Zelda: Wow, he’s only breathed twice in the last, like, three minutes.
>>and pushed himself up into a sitting position. “Hey, Japas…”
Link: “You’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind. Just...lettin’ you know.”
“Dude, look at me…”
Rauru: “I’m, like, totally in love with you, like, to the max, you know? And, like, I know it might seem, like, mondo wrong or whatever, but I can’t, like, deny my totally tubular feelings any more.”
DED: I was wondering when someone would say “tubular.”
>>Japas let out a sigh, exasperated,
Zelda: “What? WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW!?”
>>and turned to face Mikau. He hadn’t, however, anticipated the closeness of his friend,
Link: I honestly don’t see how you could anticipate something like that.
>>which caught him by surprise.
Rauru: He teleports!
>>And Mikau, almost as if to really throw things all out of whack,
DED: Almost as though he were going to alter the paradigm of the situation, so to speak.
Zelda: As if he was going to make a change from that which they were accustomed.
>>kissed Japas while he was still confused.
Link: I love that kind of kissing! Hey, Z-doll, let me confuse you!
Zelda: Not right now.
DED: Although it’s almost impossible to be around Link and not be confused.
Link: Do I hear what I think I hear, Dave? Bring those beautiful lips over here.
DED: Are you high?
Link: Quite possibly.
>>Japas gasped softly
DED: Wait, I smell smoke. Link, are you freakin’ kidding me?
Link: I’m higher than Jesus right now. You know, I’m getting into the vibe of this story. Serious. You want a hit?
Zelda: What is this? *examines* Link...this is one of those banana leaves from that Thai place we went to, filled with grass clippings. On fire.
Link: Link’s not here, man!
Zelda: God, what a retard.
Link: Baby, don’t fear the reefer!
Rauru: Hey, I’m down! I wanna get high!
Link: I dig. Just don’t cash it.
DED: NO ONE IS FECKING GETTING HIGH OFF A BANANA LEAF FILLED WITH LAWN DEBRIS!
Link: Hey, wait, you’re right. I’m not high. I don’t know why I even thought I was. What the hell was I thinking?
Zelda: What the hell indeed.
>>and Mikau didn’t hesitate to deepen their kiss,
Rauru: Whoa, whoa, think before you act, man.
>>tongue questing forth to explore Japas’ mouth
Zelda: What ho! I am come forth from Camelot!
>>to the fullest.
Link: Totally to the extreme!
>>At the feeling of it, Japas snapped out of his confused stupor
>>and kissed his friend back,
Zelda: Yeeeah, that’s what friends do.
Link: Gay friends. Who are gay. For each other.
>>letting his tongue touch his, and then entangle with it,
Rauru: Yeah, they have to call the fire department to get them unstuck...
>>which incited a new sort of battle.
DED: Battlefield Tongue.
>>When he was able to draw Mikau’s tongue into his mouth, he sucked on it briefly,
Zelda: Wh...How? Where? With what?
>>just enough to get his friend to gasp loudly and pull away.
Rauru: Just enough, huh? That takes finesse.
>>“Damn…” Mikau breathed out roughly. “I didn’t expect that.”
>>“Damn…” Mikau breathed out roughly. “I didn’t expect that.”
Link: “Everything else was pretty typical, but MAN! Never saw that suck-on-it-briefly coming.”
>>“Meh.” Japas eyed him for a long moment.
>>“Meh.” Japas eyed him for a long moment.
Zelda: Wow. Never before in the annals of fan-porn has someone had the courage to print the word “meh.”
DED: That’s a pretty lame thing to say after kissing someone in the mouth.
>>“You started it.”
Rauru: I’m telling Mom!
Link: Believe me, Mom doesn’t want to hear about this.
>>“Man, I didn’t know you’d do THAT!”
DED: And not knowing is half the not-battle.
>>“Never doubt my talent! Besides, man…it’s THAT season.”
Link: I’m gonna go hunt some THATs!
Zelda: God, you suck.
>>Japas shrugged. “I think you liked it, anyway.”
DED: _I_ think these guys are a few prawns short of a galaxy.
>>Mikau shrugged and didn’t offer a comeback to that,
Rauru: “Honey? You’re not giving snappy comebacks, what’s wrong?”
>>which gave Japas another boost of pride,
Zelda: He probably talks to a cardboard cutout all day and feels proud when it never answers.
>>since it was rare for him to get the best of Mikau that well in one day, let alone twice.
DED: I think it’s closer to “being too disgusted to answer” than “getting the best of.”
>>It was sort of a nice feeling, but not half as nice as that kiss had been.
Link: They’re so...CASUAL about all this! What the hell is going on with them?
Rauru: They have the weirdest relationship.
>>And as much as he wanted to believe he wouldn’t think like that any other time of the year, he really couldn’t.
Zelda: Say what?
>>So instead of bothering with it,
Link: Bothering with WHAT? I can no longer decipher your word-piles!
>>he let out a breath
DED: I dunno. I guess Zora only need to breathe like once every few minutes.
>>and leaned over to Mikau, nipping at one of the long, side portions of cephalic fin,
Zelda: Cephalic fins, huh? What’s next, secret decoder rings?
>>reveling in the way his friend’s breath hitched under such attentions.
Link: I’m pretty sure that someone here is trying to get away with making up an expression and hoping no one will question it.
Rauru: “You’re...biting me. Wh...why are you biting me.”
Zelda: (sensually) Hopscotch.
Link: I love hopscotch!
Zelda: That reminds me. (takes out hip flask)
DED: Oh, no, I though you quit.
Zelda: I did.
DED: Quitting implies that you’re going to STAY quit.
Zelda: Since when?
>>Japas sat up straight and made a face at him. “We are.”
Rauru: We are we are, the youth of a nation...
>>“No, Japas…” Mikau grunted.
DED: How could he BE any more clear?
>>Sometimes Japas could be so damn clueless and forgetful that he just wanted to smack the sense back into him.
Zelda: Oh, how I wish that actually worked.
Link: It doesn’t stop you from trying, though.
>>“I mean…come on, you know…”
Rauru: “It’s like...the thing...that you do...with the stuff.”
>>Japas narrowed his eyes, still not getting it at all.
DED: “Oh, for crying out l---I MEAN, COME ON, YOU KNOW...!”
>>But as Mikau continued to stare intently at him, for a good two or three minutes,
Zelda: Story, you’ve broken the goofy meter again.
>>at least, it finally dawned on him.
DED: (to the “2001” theme) Butttttttttt...butttttttttt...sexxxxxxxxxxxxxxx...BUTTSEXXXXXXXXXX!
>>“Whoa! Are you serious?”
Zelda: “I can refinance and lower my mortgage payments, WITHOUT changing my home equity loan?”
>>“Yeah. And you’re the one that brought it up first.
DED: If your idea of bringing something up is saying, “Hey, let’s do, you know, that thing.”
>>What’s up? Backing down?”
Rauru: What’s down? Backing up?
Link: Look, really, it’s okay to back down. In fact, I recommend it.
>>Mikau leaned over toward Japas, trying to get a good look into his eyes. As always, it was a nearly impossible task.
Zelda: Leaning over was nearly impossible?
Rauru: Yeah, it’s getting to be that way.
>>But, you know…I’ve never…”
Zelda: I’ve forgotten what it was they were even originally implying that they were going to do.
Rauru: Buy drapes, I think it was.
Vladimir and Estragon lived in a stream.
>>Mikau leaned himself in closer
>>and pressed his mouth to Japas’, kissing him again.
Zelda: You have won the Nobel Prize in Redundancy.
>>And while he had him distracted,
DED: Hell of a distraction.
Rauru: I think Malon’s approach worked better.
DED: Oh God, let’s not think about that.
>>he gave him a good, hard shove and watched with amusement
Zelda: Okay, holy fuck, do ALL Zora act like this, or are these two just potheads?
>>as his friend toppled over the edge of the rock and ended up sprawled on the river bottom.
Link: I always enjoyed seeing people sprawled on the bottoms of things.
>>And just as Japas started to recover,
DED: It’s really amazing, they said he’d never walk again.
>>Mikau dove off the rock and pounced onto him,
Rauru: Grr, I’m a naughty lion, I’m gonna catch you, I’m so naughty...
>>pinning him with considerable ease to the floor of the river.
DED: This time the spinal chord was severed completely.
>>He kissed him again and ground himself against Japas,
Zelda: Ground Mikau, or Mikau fillets?
Rauru: Hell, I don’t care, just lay it on me!
>>rubbing languidly. They were different than the Hylian race…
Link: You’re telling me.
Zelda: Ruto...worries me. Does she realize that if she bears your child, it’ll probably be a twisted half-breed mutant?
Link: Assuming I could get her pregnant in the first place.
Rauru: Although I’m sure you’d be willing to give it a shot.
Link: Ha ha ha, “give it a shot.”
>>different than most other races, in fact, due to the fact that their cocks were not visible,
DED: A good name for a band would be “Invisible Cocks.”
Zelda: Maybe for a punk band comprised of lesbians.
>>which made for them not requiring any sort of clothing.
Rauru: I could walk around in a Speedo, and you couldn’t see MY bits, but does that make it okay?
Link: Christ, no.
>>But that was what would make this even more fun,
Zelda: Yeah, it’s always more fun when there’s...nothing...there.
>>as almost any fun loving Zora could attest to.
DED: Well, the ones who have fun playing World of Warcraft and painting pewter figurines probably don’t know the first thing about sex.
Zelda: Dude, did you just describe yourself?
DED: No. Really!
>>“Ooh…” Japas purred, wriggling about beneath Mikau.
Rauru: I like ‘em wriggly.
>>“Japas…” Mikau grunted, instead stroking his fingers impatiently against his friend’s groin.
Link: Instead of what?
Zelda: I’m wondering if a “Hn” was really called for there. I’d have gone with a “Ctah” or a “Fulw” myself.
Rauru: I thought they WERE touching.
>>Come on, or we’ll never get to do anything.”
DED: So, huh, Zoras have evolved as a species to REQUIRE foreplay.
Zelda: Wonder how that happened.
Link: Probably some woman thing.
>>Japas made a face at him,
Rauru: It’ll stick that way, young man!
>>but was almost hasty in how he reached out
DED: As if he were showing celerity in the extension of his arm, is what they’re saying.
Link: Like he was almost reaching out faster than he would normally.
>>and pawed at Mikau’s crotch,
Rauru: Excuse me, “he pawed at his crotch?”
Zelda: Add that to the list of things never to do.
>>his fingers strong from all the guitar practice,
DED: I knew there was a reason I took all those lessons!
Rauru: Yep, to better please your man.
DED: Right, I’m better at...hey, w...DAMN it!
>>and yet still nimble.
Zelda: And yet, so far.
>>Mikau’s breath hitched with each touch
Link: Hitch the breath to the truck, we’s goin’ fishin’!
>>and he found those same sounds mirrored back to him
DED: If mirrors actually reflected sounds.
>>as he continued to fondle Japas.
Zelda: “Fondling Japas” sounds like the newest ABC series.
>>Mikau, so delighted in these sounds,
Rauru: This is turning out great!
>>redoubled his efforts,
Link: Oh yeah? I once requadrupled my efforts.
>>stroking and teasing the slit that hid away Japas’ cock.
Zelda: “Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Zora Sex (But Are Now Being Forced to Find Out).”
>>To other races, it wouldn’t have been noticed,
DED: ...thank God...
>>but a Zora, of course, knew where to look and just what to look for.
Zelda: I imagine Zora sex takes a reeeeeeally long time.
Rauru: It’s probably akin to unlocking a car with a coat hanger.
>>Mikau was soon rewarded though,
Link: Oh, GREAT reward.
>>Japas’ moan cutting through the shimmering water
DED: So summin’ like, “Oarrworgurglegurgle?”
>>as his hard length emerged.
Rauru: Click! Ch-thunk. Vrrrmt. Ka-reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeeeeee...
>>And the cry only grew louder
Zelda: I’m so glad they’re doing this underwater where we can’t hear.
>>when Mikau took a hold of him and stroked him a few times,
DED: Well, THAT didn’t take long!
>>being as thorough about it as he could.
Link: I can’t STAND it when they’re all sloppy and unprofessional about it.
Zelda: I am nothing if not thorough.
>>“Shit…” Japas panted lightly when Mikau finally released him,
Rauru: Catch and release.
>>though it was by no means an end to his torment.
DED: WHY WON’T IT STOPPPPP!!!
>>“Makes me…SO hot…”
Link: It makes ME wonder what their group’s jam sessions must be like.
>>“Wish I could say the same.” Mikau grumbled.
Zelda: Waahh wahh waahhhhhhhh...
>>Japas smirked deviously up at him.
DED: Twirling his sinister moustache.
>>“What’s wrong? Don’t I turn you on?”
Rauru: Well, obviously not!
>>Mikau shot him a fiery glare,
Link: But they were underwater, so it just made a big cloud of steam.
>>one of those looks that could kill, if such a thing were possible.
Zelda: If it were possible to kill people with looks, then indeed, looks could kill people!
>>Yet, it had no effect on Japas.
DED: No doubt owing to the aforementioned impossibility of fatal looks.
>>“You’re not even really trying, are you?”
Rauru: C’mon, put your nose to the pubis and have at it!
>>“No, not really.
Link: Oh, wonderful. Thanks.
>>It took you that long to catch on?
Zelda: Well, to be fair, this whole exchange couldn’t have gone on for more than like nineteen seconds.
>>Man, you’re supposed to know me better than anyone.”
DED: I am startled by the concept of someone knowing more about me than I myself do.
Rauru: This story is famous for its pithy, insightful dialogue.
Zelda: Rightly so.
>>“Come on, don’t be like that, Mikau. I just have…something I want to try.”
Link: “I hear if you suck up gasoline with a vacuum it’ll totally explode, we gotta try that!”
Zelda: You already did. My house caught on fire.
Link: Sooo awesome.
DED: “What’s the worst that could happen?” Minutes later...
>>Japas grinned widely, obviously pleased. He shoved Mikau off of him, only to pounce on the tattoo covered Zora a few moments later.
Rauru: I’m such a naughty lion, I’m gonna pounce and eat you all up, I’m so naughty, naughty naughty...
>>He took a few moments to observe him,
>>ignoring Mikau’s look of irritation and partial confusion.
Link: I have got ignoring looks of irritation and confusion down to a SCIENCE.
>>Ah, he’d get it soon enough.
DED: Any minute now...ANNNNny minute now...
>>Japas was sure of that fact, actually, as he crawled his way down Mikau’s slender body,
Zelda: Mikau must be bigger than we thought.
>>trailing a path of licks and bites down over his stomach,
DED: Just when the hell did it become doctrine that biting people’s skin is erotic?
>>taking an agonizing amount of time to reach his friend’s groin.
Rauru (monotone): Oh. The agony. It’s almost unbearable.
Zelda: Having your eyes poked out with fondue forks, THAT is agony.
>>But once he did, he made up for the wait, lapping hungrily at the slit there,
Link: Tell ya right now, I’m glad I’m not a Zora.
DED: I’m not so sure. I can see some definite advantages.
Rauru: Never having to worry about a kick in the cojones.
Zelda: No embarrassing boners when speaking in front of the class.
Link: And best of all, you can wear no clothes and not get arrested! Wow! I totally just changed my mind.
>>which gained a strangled cry out of Mikau.
DED: You have gained one (1) strangled cry!
Zelda: Collect ten and press Z-trigger to transfigure your hyperstaff!
Link: Ha ha, “hyperstaff.”
Rauru: Oh, yeah, strangled cries? Totally amazing. I couldn’t agree more. Sometimes I got and garrote a rooster just to hear ‘em.
Link: Ha ha, choking the chicken.
Zelda: Are you EVER going to stop?
Link: Are you?
>>Japas applied more pressure with his tongue,
DED: Hey, tongue, you been lifting? What’s your max, dude?
>>then licked again before suckling on the smooth, scaled skin.
Zelda: This sounds...unpleasant.
>>There were a few more cries out of Mikau,
Rauru: Why, WHYYYY?
>>and then a heavy, half breath, half moan as his cock finally emerged.
Link: I was wondering when they would get around to that!
Zelda: These stories follow a predictable pattern of 1/3rd exposition, 1/3rd heavy petting, and 1/3rd horizontal tango.
DED: And 1/3rd nonsensical, ungrammatical word-jumbles.
Rauru: That’s four thirds.
DED: Ain’t that the truth.
>>It was a little sooner than he’d have expected out of Mikau,
Link: *points and laughs* Ha ha! Premature.
Zelda: Premature? Link? Mind if I call you Pot from now on?
Zelda: You’re black, okay?
Link: Whoa, whoa, I’m not going there. The media will be all over me for racism.
>>but Japas simply delighted in that.
Rauru: “All right, I bet this’ll be over in like half a minute!”
>>He caught Mikau’s cock in his mouth
Zelda: PFFF! Like he had it set there like a bear trap or something?
DED: “Catch anything in the trap today?” “Um, yeah...but you probably don’t want it.”
>>and sucked on it briefly, though just enough to tease Mikau.
Link: “Don’t fucking TEASE me, you shitfucker!”
>>Mikau let out a breath,
Rauru: Breaths taken in this story so far: 4.
Link: He’s like a Zen master.
>>pawing at Japas’ shoulders. “God, Japas!”
Zelda: I really wish people would stop calling God’s attention to the horrible things they do.
>>Japas raised his head, peering up at Mikau. “…Don’t like it?”
“No! I like it.
Link: “Oh, I thought we were going to put on a kabuki play, OF COURSE I FECKING LIKE IT!”
>>I just thought, you know…we were gonna do something else…”
Rauru: “I was going to go down to the music store and check out that sweet effects pedal, you know the one where you can put the delay on so it’s all like, WOWWWM-OWM-OWM WOWMADY WOW-OW-OW-OW...Buuuuut I guess this is okay too.”
>>“Oooh…” Japas smirked at him. “We are.”
>>Japas dipped his head back down and caught the head of Mikau’s cock in his mouth.
Zelda: His mouth is like a cage from which there is no escape!
>>He suckled on it playfully,
DED: I’ll never really understand the playfulness angle.
>>right until Mikau whined pitifully,
>>and then drew as much of the hard length into his mouth as he could.
Zelda: Pretty soon he had swallowed Mikau up to the neck.
DED: No, that’s a different fetish.
Zelda: Oh, gag.
>>He sucked on it just as playfully as he had the head, his tongue lapping and stroking over the underside.
Rauru: Like a dog to peanut butter.
>>Mikau was squirming and moaning under the attention,
DED: Attention? ATTENTION?
Link: So that’s what she means when she says I never pay attention! Well THAT’s easily remedied!
Zelda: You could not BE more wrong.
>>fingers alternating between digging into Japas’ shoulders and releasing,
Rauru: What’s he digging for? Gold?
DED: You callin’ him a golddigger?
Rauru: I...guess I am!
>>then sinking back into scaled skin again.
Zelda: This story sinks on so many levels.
>>It was mating season, there was no way this could last long for either of them,
DED: I’m starting to think they DO die after they mate.
Link: I wholeheartedly approve.
>>so Japas aimed to enjoy it for whatever time he could.
Rauru: Until the icy hand of death dragged him flailing into the darkness.
Zelda: He really couldn’t come up with anything better to do?
>>He sucked harder on Mikau,
Link: Hope he passes out.
>>rhythmically bobbing his head, and then drawing away to suckle and lap at the head of his cock.
DED: Blowjobs just always seem so whimsical.
>>That seemed to be something Mikau really liked, which just fueled him to do it more.
Link: I’d like to think I’m better at giving blowjobs than this guy. Just as a point of contention.
>>But as he heard Mikau call out his name
Rauru: (whiny) “Japas...”
>>with impending release,
DED: There are a lot of things I enjoy about being an adult...but now, I can never say the word “come” without feeling dirty.
Zelda: I know. And it’s almost impossible to avoid! “Come here!” “Wait a minute, I’m coming!”
Link: “I’m going to come all over your face!”
Zelda: That’s...not really what I was getting at.
>>he took more of him
Rauru: Well, like 1% of him.
>>back into his mouth again. And Mikau did come,
DED: Oh yes, let there be no doubt.
>>just moments after, panting softly at the feel of his release,
Zelda: “Man, I am SO glad I’m not aroused anymore. That was AWFUL!”
>>and then moaning wildly at the fact that Japas was swallowing his seed.
Rauru: Wow. What a retard.
>>He moaned a final time as Japas lapped up every drop he’d missed,
Link: EVERY, SINGLE, DROP.
>>cleaning excess from Mikau’s softening flesh,
Rauru: Meat tenderizer?
Rauru: Sad face.
>>which was soon gone from sight, hidden away again behind that nearly invisible slit as Japas released him.
DED: Well, that’s over and done with, how ‘bout a PowerBar?
Link: It gives me the quick energy I need to have the erection rebound of a porn star.
Zelda: If you keep yelling for God, then He’s gonna do something.
Rauru: And I hear God’s not big on the homos.
>>Japas smirked as he sat up, licking his lips with satisfaction as he eyed Mikau. “Mn?”
Zelda: Again...I think the “Mn” lacks the quiet dignity of the “Fdff” or the “Kgng.”
>>Mikau drew in a few breaths,
Rauru: Whoa, whoa, pace yourself! You’re taking more breaths now that you did the entire rest of the story!
Link: Once you use ‘em up, they’re gone!
>>slowly calming his breathing, eyeing Japas all the while.
>>“Where the hell did you learn to do THAT?”
Link: There’s too much THAT in this story.
Zelda: There’s too much of THAT in all the stories we read.
>>“Mmn? Oh, you know me…“
Rauru: Went to the
. Got my masters in Blowjob Studies. Blowjob Academy
Link: I was valedictorian, you know.
>>Japas shrugged, long fingers stroking his chin as he stared down at Mikau, who was still sprawled out on the river bottom.
DED: Doesn’t the fact that this is all underwater kind of bother everyone?
Zelda: Not particularly.
Link: _I_ think it’s the greatest undersea epic ever filmed!
Rauru: I hope to God you’re kidding.
>>“But, it’s not important, now. It is, after all, my turn, isn’t it?”
Zelda: Damn. I think I just got comma poisoning.
DED: If you’re averaging two and a half commas per sentence, it’s time to lay off.
>>“Stupid question, Japas.”
Rauru: But I thought there were no stupid questions.
Link: Another strand in the great web of lies.
>>Japas smirked at Mikau again, shrugging.
DED: You don’t know ANYTHING, do you?
>>Stupid questions were in his nature, he couldn’t help it.
Link: We’re so alike, he and I.
Zelda: Well, except in THAT way.
DED: Now you’re doing it.
Rauru: Yeah, stop THAT.
>>He grabbed a hold of Mikau’s legs and hooked them over his shoulders,
Zelda: And so it begins.
>>giving himself complete access to his fellow band mate.
DED: Band mate, now that’s what makes this whole mess really freakish.
Rauru: I imagine that at every practice from now on, they’ll be making little innuendos and giggling and the other two will just kind of look around, confused and suspicious.
>>But before he dared to make any serious move,
Link: Yeah, everything up to now was just frivolous.
>>he probed at Mikau’s entrance
Zelda: Sorry, We’re Closed.
DED: I wish.
>>with two long, slender fingers, slowly easing them inside of his friend,
Rauru: It’s an odd, odd combo of straight and gay sex.
DED: It’s like the author wanted to hedge his bets.
>>finding himself met with very little resistance.
Link: No one can resist my...fingers!
DED (singing): She took a midnight train going to Run-On-Ville...
Zelda: Man, it’s been so long since you sang, I though we were over it.
Rauru: And since you pointed out the run-on sentences.
DED: I can’t help it.
>>He really didn’t have to go through all the trouble and he knew it.
Zelda: Then why is he doing it?
>>They were aquatic, despite ability to live on land, and the water made this so much easier for them.
Link: Darling it’s better, down where it’s wetter, take it from me!
Zelda: Shoot! I was saving that one.
Link: I beat you to the punch. And it’s delicious punch.
>>But there was still a part of his mind that nagged at him to take Mikau’s comfort into full consideration.
Rauru: Oh, fuck that.
DED: G’wan, be the brutal rapist you always wanted to be.
>>He couldn’t just push the thought aside, either.
Zelda: Unlike all his other thoughts of mercy or forgiveness, which he always ignored.
>>Mikau meant too much to him for that to be possible.
Link: If someone means a lot to you, you should be able to take out insurance.
Zelda: Affection Insurance.
DED: If you’re prone to bad relationships, they charge you more.
>>Japas pushed his fingers in and out of Mikau slowly, watching the expressions of his friend as he teased and stroked his insides.
Zelda: Damn this shit, I need some booze. *drinks*
Link: Come on, you remember what happened last time.
Zelda: No, actually.
>>Mikau certainly didn’t look to be in any discomfort from what he could tell, either.
DED: Well, everyone’s happy then.
Rauru: Except for, um, everyone but them.
>>He really looked like he was enjoying it.
Link: He’d enjoy anything.
>>But within eyes that were half closed,
DED: ...wrapped in enigma, shrouded in mystery...
Rauru: ...beyond the wall of sleep...
Zelda: ...past the seven silver gates of the elder gods...
>>Japas could see a trace of irritation and impatience.
Rauru: Look, I have a timetable to keep here.
>>And the whine that followed a few moments later only backed up his belief that he had seen correctly.
Zelda: Things lend support to other things by way of stuff.
>>That was all the sign he needed.
DED: I saw the sign.
Link: And it made me want to close my eyes, I saw the sign.
Rauru: God, could you BE any more outdated?
DED: Yea, verily. Forsooth.
Rauru: I shouldn’t have asked.
>>Japas withdrew his fingers and positioned the head of his cock
Zelda: Making headway, I see.
Zelda: Getting ahead, I suppose.
DED: Why are we doing this again.
Zelda: Always so headstrong.
DED: St---stop doing that.
Zelda: Truly heady times.
DED: You continue to speak with no reason.
>>at Mikau’s entrance.
Link: What’s your sign?
Zelda: Do Not Enter.
Rauru: My sign would be the ones they put up in the windows of the McDonalds, that show what their new menu item is? Hell yeah, my sign is a six-foot-tall chicken sandwich.
>>He pushed forth with a single, fluid thrust,
DED: It’s so graceful, so precise. They’re like the Blue Angels of fucking.
>>not stilling his movements until he was completely buried inside of his friend.
Link: Completely? That would hurt.
Zelda: Wait, they have two holes, where is he going in?
Rauru: Mmm, bop! Shiggy-diggy-wiggy bop mmm, bop, shugga-wiggy digga now...
>>Mikau grunted, irritation still obvious in his voice
DED: Well what the hell does he WANT?
>>as he pawed at the ground at his sides.
Link: We haven’t had this much animal imagery in a story since that...one...horse...fucking...business.
>>“Ahn, Mikau!” Japas groaned, not moving,
Rauru: That’s always the best lovemaking strategy.
DED: For you, it’s the ONLY lovemaking strategy.
>>merely reveling in the feel of being buried inside of his best friend.
Zelda: That sounds like ridiculousness.
Link: That’s a pretty elaborate funeral.
>>Nothing had ever felt so good.
Rauru: Really? Nothing? Ever?
DED: By what authority?
>>“You…DO feel nice!”
Link: No way!
Zelda: I thought it would feel nice, and it DID!
>>“Japas…you bastard! MOVE!”
DED: “Okay, man, can you help me with the couch?”
>>Japas knew that tone. He’d heard it many, many times,
>>Japas knew that tone. He’d heard it many, many times,
Rauru: ...whenever he picked up the phone and listened without dialing.
>>ever since he’d first met Mikau. Usually once a day, if not more.
Zelda: This is the second time in this story that a seemingly innocuous event is described as being a supernatural force of inevitability, possessing the unstoppable certainty of death itself.
DED: It is truly ominous.
>>Mikau was irritated.
Link: You know, if I were about to get buttsexed at the bottom of a river, I’d be kind of irritated too.
>>And that meant his patience was thin, too.
Rauru: And the award for Stating the Completely Fucking Obvious goes to...
>>Japas drew in a deep breath and took a hold of Mikau’s hips.
Zelda: And HEEeeere we go!
>>He pulled out of the other Zora almost completely, and then thrust back in deeply.
DED: It’s like poetry in motion.
>>He moaned at the feeling of it, finding the cry echoed by Mikau.
Link: They’ve started some kind of feedback loop. It’s infinite moaning.
DED: There’s another good name for a band.
>>He pulled out and thrust back in again,
Rauru: You know, if the author’s gonna describe EVERY SINGLE thrusting motion...
>>and this time continued, setting up a rhythmic pace that was slow, and deep.
Zelda: Slow...and deep.
>>It felt so good.
Link: O rly?
DED: Yea vrly?
>>He had no idea why they hadn’t done this far earlier.
Zelda: Yeah, what IS their problem?
Rauru: Today’s lesson is: You should randomly make gay love to your friends and coworkers sooner rather than later.
>>“Does it feel…nnn…”
Zelda: It feels so very nnn.
>>Japas let out a breath, fighting to gather the words.
DED: Yeah, it’s like herding cats, gettin’ those words to settle down.
Link: Tell me about it. Saying sentences for me is like...one of those things where...and it’s...yeah.
>>“Does it feel good…Mikau…?”
Rauru: More more more! Howdayalikeit howdayalikeit...
>>Japas groaned lightly. It was impossible to deny Mikau’s demands when he was voicing them in such a needy tone.
DED: Now now. You’ve got to learn to be firm.
Link: “No more buttsex until you’ve cleaned your room, young man!”
>>He leaned over Mikau and kissed him firmly, picking up his pace, thrusting harder and deeper into his friend, hitting an entirely new spot deep within,
Zelda: Scientists have discovered a new...thing, inside the human rectum.
Rauru: When asked what they were doing when they made this discovery, the scientists hemmed and hawed and mumbled something.
>>one that made Mikau cry out into their kiss.
DED: OH, GOD, that was probably the WORST run-on sentence ever!!!
Link: It was a run-on sentence?
DED: GO BACK AND FUCKING READ IT!
Zelda: It was like, lock your doors, the Clause Parade’s comin’ to town.
DED: I don’t think I can ever love again.
Zelda: Not even English muffins?
DED: Okay, I think I still love English muffins.
>>Japas moaned his obvious pleasure, as well, though continued to kiss Mikau, open mouthed.
Rauru: No! No more, please! I can’t take the commas anymore!
Zelda: Our Comma Per Sentence Index is up to 3.0. Good God, that’s off the charts!
>>And all the while he continued to thrust into Mikau, harder and faster
Link: Thrust Harder, Faster? Isn’t that the Olympics?
>>as the moments passed by,
Rauru: Like sands through an hourglass...
Zelda: ...So pass the Gays of Our Lives.
DED: AGAIN! BLOODY FUCKIN’ BRILLIANT! *high-fives all around*
>>clouds of dirt being roused from the sea bottom
Link: Thank God, we don’t have to look at them anymore.
>>as much from his movements as Mikau’s insistent pawing at the ground.
Rauru: So Mikau has paws, I’m being lead to believe?
DED: Sure sounds like it.
>>He could feel himself getting closer and closer to release,
Zelda: Release the hounds!
Rauru: Now that’s just gross.
>>unable to fight the knowledge
Link: That’s ridiculous. I’ve been fighting off knowledge for years.
Zelda: He’s like...the Spartan warrior of stupidity.
Link: Heeeeell yeah.
>>even though he wanted this moment to last for so much longer.
Rauru: Man, this dialogue is AMAZING! I just can’t get enough!
DED: Each syllable is like a thousand Christmas presents!
Zelda: “M...move that one picture...that used to be in the bedroom...gonna...gonna...put it in the foyer under that...light fixture we have in...there...”
>>Japas moaned instead of finishing whatever had been on his mind.
DED: Well, I think we all knew what he was gonna say.
Rauru: I didn’t really want to hear him say it anyway.
>>There was absolutely no way for him to fight the inevitable.
DED: That would be the reason they call it “inevitable,” wouldn’t it now?
>>He thrust into Mikau a few more times,
Zelda: Not really caring.
>>holding onto the other Zora’s hips in a grip that must have been painful, but Mikau seemed not to notice.
Link: Then Mikau must be a...gay robot!
Rauru: My God, the implications are astounding!
>>As he pushed himself deep within the final time, he froze momentarily.
DED: Oh, hey, yeah, the Zoras did all freeze, didn’t they?
Link: I don’t know why I ever thought it would be a good idea to un-freeze them.
>>A moment later he tipped his head back, arched his back, and came,
Zelda: With the precision of a dancer.
>>moaning and digging fingers into Mikau’s hips as he released deep within him.
Link: Well, not THAT deep.
DED: You can only GO so deep...
>>He was dimly aware that Mikau was moaning, too,
Rauru: Sex makes you retarded. There’s just no other conclusion.
>>which made it all worth it.
Zelda: And THAT’S what makes life worth living.
>>Japas let out a heavy breath
DED: That’s, like, breath number five, between the two of them. I’m surprised Zoras aren’t mistaken for corpses.
Link: Apparently Mikau has relaxed his former position, “I’d have sex with anyone who could fog a mirror.”
>>when the wave of pleasure finally passed and slowly released his hold on Mikau.
DED: Let me goooo!
>>As he worked to catch his breath,
Rauru: Ah, so Zoras are only allowed one breath, and he just took his, and now he has to go and catch it and bring it back or he can never breathe again.
Zelda: Yes, Rauru, that is the simplest and most probable explanation.
>>he checked to see if there was any damage done.
DED: Oh, GOD.
Link: Well, you can’t fault him for being considerate.
>>There wasn’t any that he could see.
Zelda: Um...is rectal damage really the sort of thing you can just SEE?
>>Satisfied with that,
Rauru: Done and done!
>>Japas hoisted himself up, slowly withdrawing his now soft length from Mikau.
Link: You know, when I think about Zoras I just think...wallet.
DED: The hell?
Link: Zoras would make good wallets.
Zelda: What, you just stuff your money into a handy orifice?
Link: No, no, their skin. Wallets. You know, like eel-skin wallets.
Rauru: I don’t quite...
Link: Hello? Wallets! As in, “Zoras should be made into wallets!”
DED: I swear to God I will slap to death the next person who says “wallets!”
>>Within seconds of their parting his cock returned from whence it came,
Rauru: Wow, it’s like Edmund Spencer all over the place.
>>hidden away within, safely behind the slit that other races were so oblivious to.
DED: And believe me, we prefer it that way.
Zelda: This is something I had hoped I’d die without knowing.
>>“Man…” Japas settled down by the rock they’d been sitting on before the excitement.
Link: I was NOT excited.
>>He let his back come to rest against it and slouched down slightly.
Mikau pushed himself up so he was sitting, a few inches from Japas.
Mikau pushed himself up so he was sitting, a few inches from Japas.
Zelda: I know they’re gay lovers and all, but INCHES? C’mon.
>>He tipped his head as he regarded him. “Hm?”
“I totally HATE mating season.”
“I totally HATE mating season.”
Rauru: I do too, now.
>>Mikau shook his head slowly, chuckling softly.
Link: “Heh heh heh heh...God, you’re an idiot.”
>>He didn’t believe Japas for a second, not after that.
Zelda: In fact, he would never trust Japas again.
>>But rather than say so, he just nodded to his friend. “I hear you, man.”
DED: I’ve got to say. This was the most chillingly un-sexy thing I’ve ever read.
DED: I mean, usually when there’s the ol’ manwich action going on, you can at least tell that there’s some latent sexuality there, something that at least you can kind of understand being sexy...
Link: Fapworthy, you might say.
Rauru: If you were an idiot.
DED: ...but this was just...whiff.
Link: I think it’s the combination of the fish anatomy, and the total lack of passion or seriousness. It’s like if Bill and Ted were gay lovers...but only every now and then.
Rauru: And that, friends, is enough to turn a gay man straight, and a straight man into...I dunno. Something. Okra, maybe.
Zelda: Do you need a snack, is that it?
Rauru: Do I NEED a SNACK? What do YOU think!?
DED: Let it suffice to say, I did not have underwater fun.
Link: I don’t think I’ll ever look at water the same way again.