In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space
We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:
Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “Do it live!”
Rauru! “Fat accompli!”
Zelda! “Dei gratia!”
Link! “Don’t stop me now!”
If you don’t get how he stays alive
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!
>>Saria slapped Link
Zelda: Excellent, starting things off with some good old-fashioned domestic abuse.
DED: Not that YOU’D know anything about that.
Zelda: Not if you value your face, I don’t.
DED: Doesn’t that just prove my poi—
Zelda: *raises backhand threateningly*
>>with a cry of “You’re it!”,
Rauru: Oh, it’s not domestic abuse, but simple childhood merriment!
Link: But she slapped me. That’s some pretty hardcore tag.
>>and moments later he chased her beyond the village into the wilderness.
DED: A wise idea.
>>They ran through the woods laughing and never stopping,
Zelda: What, do they magically have boundless energy now?
>>the magical forest giving them boundless energy.
Zelda: ...Oh. Well now I sure feel stupid.
Link: I don’t recall any of this boundless energy when I was fighting to the death against all the murderous Wolfos.
>>He was fast, and that made their game more exciting
Rauru: A slow-motion game of tag would be pretty boring.
>>than anything she’d done all day.
DED: Or perhaps anyone, eh wot?
>>Rank with beauty,
Rauru: Reeking with wonderment, rancid with delights...
>>the forest assaulted their senses with an illogical sequence of plants and fragrances
Zelda: Wow, it’s just like living with Link! Just replace “plants and fragrances” with “words and sentences.”
Link: ...but I say that Renaissance humanism was just a result of intestinal gas. So anyway, green peppers are superior to red ones for a variety of reasons, principally because they match my hat, and...
>>both lovely and putrid.
>>It was too much for the other Kokiri, but Saria eagerly led him deeper into the Lost Woods,
Link: We had two bags of bombs, seventy-five slingshot bullets, five bundles of high-powered Deku Sticks, a pouch half-full of Deku Nuts, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored Rupees of various denominations. Also a quart of Heart Potion, a quart of Magic Potion, a bottled fish, a pint of raw Lon-Lon Milk, and two dozen arrows. Not that we needed all that for tag, but once you get locked into a serious woods exploration, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the Lon-Lon Milk. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of a dairy binge, and I knew we’d get into that rotten stuff pretty soon.
Zelda: Is that...Fear and Loathing in Kokiri Forest?
>>enticed by ever-changing paths that always promised new discoveries.
DED: Ooooor certain doom.
>>She loved this beautiful madness,
Rauru: Fucking hippies...
>>this playful yet threatening energy. She never wanted it to end.
Zelda: But as for us...
DED: Just don’t follow the music.
>>But Link at last caught her, tackling her to the ground
Link: See? Hardcore tag. That’s how we roll in the K-Town.
>>with enthusiasm matching hers.
Zelda: Aww, it’s a match made in...
Zelda: ...a psychotropic wooded hellhole.
>>They struggled in an impromptu wrestling match
Link: Oooh, oooh, it needs an awesome wrestling-match name.
DED: Uh...damn, the best I can come up with is “The Gore-Fest in the Forest.”
Zelda: Preeeetty weaksauce.
>>before laughing for no reason,
Rauru: An activity that occupies much of Link’s day.
Link: And who needs a reason?
>>panting heavily from the chase.
DED: They’ve been hunting...the most dangerous game.
DED: Not just any children, magic forest children.
>>Inches below his face, Saria smiled up at him, glad that he could keep up with her
Link: What’s THAT supposed to mean? I can keep up with anyone!
DED: Except that Deku butler in Majora’s Mask.
Link: Oh, man, I forgot about him, he was a MOTHERFUCKER!
>>and that she was the only person who kept him interested in chases for this long.
Rauru: He’s quite the skirt-chaser.
Zelda: Accurate, though, with regards to his attention span.
Link: ...wouldn’t BELIEVE the asking price for 17 gallons of ketchup! So instead I had t—oh, are you guys done talking?
>>He said nothing, quiet and shy as usual,
DED: Classic serial killer material. Not accusing, just pointing out.
Link: To be fair, I am a serial killer of monsters and, uh, Ganondorf.
>>but his eyes sparkled with playfulness
Rauru: And lust, I assume.
Link: Sooner or later. In the fullness of time.
>>that only she could conjure.
Zelda: Well, you know what they say, suffer not a witch to live.
>>“Okay, you caught me!” she exclaimed dramatically, giggling.
DED: “So do we just...do that again, or...”
Link: “Meh, this is lame, I’mma hit the arcade.”
>>The green hair she kept short so it wouldn’t interfere with their games
Rauru: Um, what?
Zelda: “You’ve meddled in my affairs for the LAST TIME, hair!”
>>stuck to some sweat on her cheek, and Link lifted one of the arms holding him up
DED: ...Sooooo...one of his arms. Rrrriiiiiight?
Link: Oh god, Dead Hand flashbacks...
>>to brush it aside.
Zelda: Hey man, what if that’s where she wanted it? So presumptuous.
>>His hand lingered on her cheek, however. “Link?” she asked, unable to move.
Link: ...Might this be because I’m pinning her to the ground?
>>He did not answer, frozen as well.
DED: Cold snap movin’ in all of a sudden.
>>Damp with perspiration,
Zelda: Uh, pot called, he says you’re black.
>>Saria’s green sweater clung to her small breasts in a cold caress that clashed uncomfortably with the blush coloring her face.
Link: And those boots are SO last season, gurlfrenn!
>>Link wasn’t much bigger than she was, but he seemed so while he straddled her and held her cheek.
DED: Knowing that really fills me with joy! No, wait, not joy. That other word. Apathy.
>>Dirt from their game covered his hand,
Rauru: How exactly do you get your hands dirty playing tag? Unless the person you’re tagging is covered in dirt.
Zelda: Sounds like Saria to me!
>>but for some reason she thought it was cute that he smoothed her bangs aside.
Link: Girls love control freaks!
>>They continued to stare motionlessly. What was this feeling?
DED: What is love? Baby don’t hurt me.
>>Was it the work of the forest?
Link: More like the Lust Woods, amirite?
Zelda: Oh sure, now you’re questioning the whole “let’s plunge headfirst into the depths of the incomprehensible psychedelic forest” thing.
>>Obviously plagued by the same confusion,
Rauru: And the plague.
>>Link took initiative in doing something about it,
Zelda: Usually he’s more of a causative agent when it comes to confusion.
>>lowering his head and putting his lips on hers. Saria’s eyes widened at the contact
DED: Well, at least that way the contact will be easy to put in.
>>and he pulled back, as shocked by his actions as she was. What did he just do?
Link: Fuck, man, I dunno! I’m tripping BALLS over here!
>>The Deku Tree never taught her anything about people putting their lips together.
Zelda: He’s such a prude.
>>But it hadn’t been unpleasant. The energy of her home still filled her. She needed to act,
DED: But what she really wants to do is direct.
>>to move, and his taste lingered on her lips.
Rauru: Eh, I know, I know, taste, lips...I’m just not feeling it though.
Zelda: Well THIS is a first.
>>She lifted her head
DED: Hold your head up! (Movin’ on) Keep your head up! (Movin’ on)
>>and crushed them to his again,
Link: Whoa, whoa, crushed what to his what? The Specificity Police will be all over this.
Zelda: You mean pedants like Dave?
DED: I am a card-carrying member of the Specificity Police, the Grammar Nazis, and the Run-On Sentence Jihad.
>>this time fluttering her eyes shut.
Rauru: THIS time will be different!
>>His lips were soft, not slimy like she used to think people’s lips were.
Link: Well, happy to have disabused her of THAT notion.
Rauru: But lips ARE slimy! Y’know, like if you’ve been...eating...slime?
>>The sensation released a passion she hadn’t known she was holding back,
DED: ...then how does she even know she WAS holding it back?
Link: What is truth? Induction is impossible! I am unmoored from reality forever!
>>and she wrapped her arms around him to pull him against her
Rauru: Right, because I could never POSSIBLY have worked out the reason why she’d wrap her arms around him if it hadn’t just been blatantly stated.
>>as he reciprocated her actions.
Zelda: *sigh* He done do’d the same thing what she done did.
Link: Oh. Well why didn’t it just SAY that?
>>She didn’t know if it was the chaos of the woods affecting her mind,
DED: Well that’s the great thing about the mind-affecting chaos: you won’t care!
>>but she was acutely aware of how precious Link was to her.
Zelda: “Duuuuuude, it’s like...it’s like there’s rainbows lurking behind everything.”
Rauru: Links are available in precious, semiprecious, and industrial-grade.
>>“Oh…” she moaned into his mouth,
Link: Uh, maybe “Oh” is what she thought she was saying, but I’m guessing it sounded more along the lines of “Muuuuhhhmhhmff.”
>>feeling him shiver in response. They broke apart,
Zelda: Oh. That’s a shame, I thought they were really compatible.
Rauru: It was quite a whirlwind romance.
>>drunk with ecstasy,
DED: And rolling on alcohol?
>>and abruptly she sat up and pushed him onto his back,
Link: Whoa hey, you gotta give fair warning when you’re going abruptly from make-outs to more tag.
Rauru: I just thought of something. One person’s “it,” they tag the other person, making Person B “it,” but that person’s still touching Person A, so in that one instant the “it” status would oscillate infinitely.
DED: Fascinating. You should submit that thesis to a journal of theoretical physics or something.
>>managing to giggle at her new role in the game
Zelda: You mean she played with your heart, got lost in the game?
>>despite her pounding heart. This time she collapsed on top of him,
Rauru: Oop, shit, she OD’d on forest.
Zelda: Fuck, we gotta hide her body. Some horrible place where no one would ever g...ah ha, how convenient!
>>eliminating the space between them.
Link: ...with EXTREME prejudice!
>>His eyes communicated surprise and wonder
Zelda: While his mouth, I assume, continued to communicate nonsense as usual.
>>as she brought her face to his once more,
DED: This is less suggestive of kissing to me, and more suggestive of them just rubbing their faces together like a pair of retards.
>>but he easily gave in to this new feeling of closeness
Link: But I don’t give in easily! I’m 2 legit 2 quit!
>>and held her securely. Though he rarely spoke,
Rauru: I can see, now, why they’re such good friends.
>>the care and urgency in his touches thrilled her with the knowledge
DED: Hey man, remember, we live on a placid island of ignorance surrounded by black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.
>>that he enjoyed this as much as she did.
Link seemed in disbelief,
Link: I reject your reality, and substitute my own!
>>but whether because of the forest’s magic or her own rapid heartbeat, this made perfect sense to her.
Zelda: Man, it must be some potent mojo to make anything involving Link even BEGIN to make sense.
Link: ...wasn’t even the right type of bagel! I knew that my only hope now rested on the advent of the Incalculable Quintessence, so I girded my loins and...
>>She couldn’t imagine doing this with anyone, but then Link wasn’t just anyone to her.
DED: Yeah, he was SOMEone! A specific entity, clearly differentiated from everything else that wasn’t him!
>>Nevertheless, she needed more.
Rauru: I hear dat.
Link: In the midnight hour, she cried more, more, more?
>>The warmth which started in her face spread as their bodies rubbed together,
Zelda: Umm...did they start a forest fire?
Link: Fire! Why didn’t I think of that?
>>and she gasped when something pressed against her thigh.
Rauru: Twig? Tree root? Poisonous snake? This place is a hellhole; it could be almost anything.
>>She got off of him, her heart swelling in excitement and anticipation
DED: And cardiomegaly.
Zelda: Is that a thing?
DED: Yes. Look it up.
>>as a stiff object extended from Link’s body against the inside of his tunic.
Link: Lock X-Foils in attack position.
DED: All-Range Mode!
>>“What is that?” she asked, confused but hot.
Zelda: Yeah, that’s me most of the time.
Link: ...obliterated retroactively throughout all of time and space! And shining among the infinite starlit strands of potentiality was the CORRECT bagel, and I knew in that moment that...
>>Link’s expression was of bewilderment and adorable terror,
DED: She finds his terror adorable? I guess that might explain why she lured him into the menacing inescapable nightmare forest.
>>and she closed her hand around the protruding mass. “Oh my, that’s your mushroom!”
Rauru: Shit, don’t touch it, then, you’ll ruin the flavor!
Zelda: I’m...not entirely sure if you’re aware of the innuendo here.
Rauru: Shut up, do you have any idea how much those things cost? Truffles are serious business!
Zelda: Yeah, you’re not.
>>she realized when her actions elicited a moan from him. “Why did it get big?”
>>Her breathing became erratic, her mind dizzy with curiosity and want.
Zelda: And a potent cocktail of psychoactive chemicals, I assume.
DED: Yyyyyep, moving into the first stages of anaphylactic shock.
>>“Can I see it?”
Rauru: I dunno, you tell me. Do you have cataracts?
>>Link turned bright red but nodded, and she tugged at his tunic until his mushroom sprang free,
DED: You know those sproingy doorstop things that are attached to the wainscoting? Yeah, that noise.
>>standing at attention. Her heartbeat drowned out even the chaos of nature
Zelda: Discovery Channel presents, “The Chaos of Nature.”
>>as his rod twitched to demand attention.
Link: Is that like those things you get in bars where they vibrate when your order’s ready to pick up?
>>For the first time she wondered if they weren’t supposed to be doing this,
Rauru: Just after the nick of time, eh? Too bad you’re now hopelessly lost and your lungs are full of spores.
>>but another revelation turned her apprehension into delight.
DED: “...I still have some of those leftover breakfast burritos!”
>>“I thought boys’ mushrooms were supposed to look gross, but your penis is so cute, Link!”
Zelda: So she KNOWS the word “penis?” Why didn’t she just bust it out to begin with?
>>Knowing her lips and his mushroom were sensitive,
DED: “...she refrained from teasing it for its tiny size.”
Link: Wait, what? You sayin’ she has tiny lips?
DED: No, n—Look, I was going for a sick burn on you but it’s not quite perfect.
Link: Oh, thanks a million.
>>she puckered her lips and pressed them to the tip. Immediately he gasped,
Rauru: “...I just remembered I’m supposed to be reporting to Kokiri jury duty right now!”
Zelda: Um, not to sound ignorant about how parts of my kingdom work, but do the Kokiri even have, you know, laws and stuff in the first place?
Link: I have just four words for you: “Lord of the Flies.”
>>and happy to get a reaction from the normally silent boy,
DED: The only thing that he reacts to is blowjobs? Are you sure he’s not actually in a coma?
>>she closed her mouth around his soft yet hard organ.
Zelda: Truly, his is a cock full of contradictions.
DED: Well, I think Whitman said it best: “Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, my cock is large, it contains multitudes.”
Rauru: How is that English degree doin’ for ya, Dave?
DED: Oh shut up.
>>“Mmm…Does this feel good?” she asked around a mouthful of meat,
Link: “No no no, just stop, you sound like a retard. Chatting OR blowjob, you can only do one at a time.”
Zelda: Okay hold on, time out, there is NO WAY that a girl who had never even SEEN a penis before this very moment would immediately know how and why to give a blowjob.
>>and staring into his eyes.
DED: “Would you JUST...QUIT...STARING at me like that!”
>>He could only nod weakly as he writhed in pleasure, and she blushed happily. His scent covered her, making her lightheaded.
Rauru: I’m not a homophobe or anything, but I prefer these hetero fanfics. Because for fuck’s sake, you can tell who is doing what when the author gets lazy and just fills it with pronouns.
Zelda: Y’know, you ever get the feeling that “for fuck’s sake” is a particularly apt oath, for us?
>>A pleasant but demanding heat made her special place grow moist,
Link: ...although a high-pressure system that’s moving in from the northwest ought to clear up that humidity by early Thursday evening. Now, moving to our five-day forecast...
>>and through her confusion she knew that once again she needed more.
Zelda: “Hmm...oh man, sex is so confusing...I wish I’d studied...Pssst! Hey! Can I copy off of you?”
>>His mushroom shined with saliva that dripped to his Deku Nuts
>>when she released it from her mouth. “Link…do you think I’m pretty?” she inquired shyly.
Link: “No, but I think you’re here, now, and are willing to suck my dick, and that’s good enough for me!”
>>It wasn’t quite what she wanted to ask,
Rauru: She’d meant to ask for Link’s opinion on a new Kokiri wastewater-management proposal but it just sorta came out wrong.
>>but like with everything else that happened in the last few minutes,
Zelda: ...it doesn’t make for particularly interesting reading!
>>she didn’t have the vocabulary to express this funny feeling.
Rauru: And for all we know her mind’s about to snap and lose all touch with reality, soooo...
>>All she knew was that he was cute and fun and nice and she could never stop thinking about him,
Zelda: “The inconsequential fact that he only ever speaks a few mumbled words a day and he only seems to have one set of clothing and he spends all his time smashing pottery and stabbing things has done NOTHING to quench the flame of my love for him!”
>>and she wanted to know if he felt the same, if he would always want to chase her.
DED: And iiiiiii-iiii-iiii-iiii-iiiiiii, will allllllwaaaaaaaays chase youuuuu...
>>The hot and flustered Link managed to calm slightly when he understood how important this was to her
Link: Immediately, he gets serious about ignoring her and her stupid question.
>>and stared directly into her eyes. “You’re the prettiest girl I know.
Rauru: “Out of a pool of, like, five. Man, we must be inbred all to hell, huh?”
>>I’m glad you’re my friend.”
DED: Man, by the time this story’s over, I’m gonna wish they’d stayed that way.
>>Saria laughed in relief, almost tearing up.
Zelda: Oh, well, good thing the patriarchy has enforced its andro-normative standards of beauty-based self-worth on her.
Link: What? How is the Kokiri society an android-normalive pastryarchy? Saria’s our leader, for crying out loud.
Zelda: Hell, I dunno. I just wanted to try out some jargon-filled feminist ranting.
DED: For God’s sake Link, “patriarchy,” not “pastryarchy.”
Rauru: I, for one, would have no problem accepting the overlordship of a pastryarchy.
>>It was so typical that the only words he said today would be so sweet.
Link: Man, a lead role in a porno with only one line? Sounds pretty much ideal to me!
>>“I’m glad…” She stood to pull her sweater over her head,
Zelda: “That really gave me the self-esteem I needed to continue stripping!”
>>thinking he should see more of her since she got to see his mushroom.
Link: “No, that’s...nah, just put the goods away, you’re better clothed.”
>>His eyes widened and went straight to her exposed breasts,
>>and then to her special place as her shorts fell.
Link: I bet her special place is right along the inner thigh about four inches from the groin.
Zelda: Four inches FROM the groin? I’m pretty sure the groin IS...
Link: ...Yeah, slip your blade right around there, cut just an inch or two below the skin, open up the femoral artery and they’re down. Drained in less than a minute.
Zelda: ...You’re scaring me now.
Link: What? Did you forget that I’m a professional killing machine?
>>Having never expected to show herself to anyone,
Rauru: ...big hairy bush?
Zelda: And everywhere else. Ugh.
Link: I’m not sure that’s how Kokiri work.
DED: Would it all be, y’know, green?
>>Saria blushed but clasped her hands behind her back as cutely as she could,
Rauru: This seems somehow...wrong.
Link: Man, this seems ALL-how wrong.
>>hoping for his approval.
Zelda: Yeah, because the anthrocentric testosterone culture suppresses the primal gynecological awareness that we all...ah, fuck it, it’s not even that fun being a ranting feminist.
>>Link stood as well, and his erect mushroom grew even bigger as he studied her pale skin.
DED: He should consider a career in dermatology.
Rauru: Oh God no, that’s a reason he SHOULDN’T.
>>Knowing she desired to do the same with him,
Zelda: She wants HIM to put his hands behind his back as cutely as possible?
>>he removed his boots and tunic
Link: I’d better be careful of the acid-tipped thorns here in the Lost Woods. And the stinging ants, and the poison slugs, and the flesh-eating worms and the toxic mold spores and the Wolfos and Skulltullas and Deku Scrubs.
DED: Not to mention the omnipresent insidious madness.
Link: Yeah, and that.
>>before capturing her lips passionately.
Rauru: I got you at last you sonovabitch!
>>Their flesh fused,
Link: Reeeeeeeeeeeally tripping balls now.
>>his rigid penis pressing against her stomach. He was hot to the touch,
DED: Oh, no doubt another symptom of the hellish fever that is producing his present state of delirium.
>>and she explored his chest,
Zelda: I see...
>>satisfied that this was the new experience she yearned for.
DED: Yes, you too can have the new experience you yearn for...in YOUR luxury time-share!
>>Sensing his nervousness, she placed one of his hands on her breast encouragingly.
Zelda: “C’mon, you’ll never be the infamous serial molester of your dreams if you don’t practice!”
Link: “A journey of a thousand sexual harassment lawsuits begins with a single grope!”
>As he squeezed and lifted it, she grinned dazzlingly
Rauru: GAH! GEEZ! Cut the back on the tooth-whiteners lady, you’re blindin’ me here!
>>from the attention.
Zelda: Men often seem to misinterpret the “you don’t pay attention” complaint.
>>She felt his heart race
DED: It’s Pericardium coming up strong on the outside with Left Mitral Valve and Superior Vena Cava fighting for the lead, down the stretch it’s Right Ventricle and Anterior Interventricular Artery jockeying for third...
>>at her little sighs of pleasure
Rauru (monotone): *SIGH* Oh man so pleasurable. *SIGH* It’s almost unbearable this pleasure.
>>and giggled, loving that she could excite him like this.
Zelda: “Tee hee hee, it’s so great that boys are all dim-witted sexual thugs!”
>>Every time they broke apart,
Link: ...he would drink heavily and punch a payphone, weeping.
>>his length pointed horizontally as though trying to poke the opening between her legs,
DED: Nah, nah, that can’t POSSIBLY be right, don’t be stupid.
>>and in a moment of clarity she understood that was the next step:
Zelda: ...kill EVERYONE!
>>his mushroom wasn’t supposed to be big and her slit wasn’t supposed to be wet,
Rauru: No! NOOOO! THIS IS ALL WRONG!
>>but they were getting bigger and wetter in anticipation
DED: “In anticipation?” Now that’s just assumption, plain and simple.
>>the more their bodies mingled. She tried to let it inside her, but
Link: ...she was just too emotionally withdrawn.
>>since he was taller she only succeeded in pressing it between their stomachs.
DED: GodDAMMIT! WORTHLESS! Keep trying or no supper tonight!
>>When she saw Link’s eyes, she knew he felt as good-yet-frustrated as she did.
Zelda: Nnnno, at least in my experience, Link gets all of the good and his female companion gets all of the frustrated.
Link: Hey, what’s THAT supposed to mean?
Zelda: You tell me, sweetiebuns!
Link: I don’t KNOW, damn it!
>>“Lie down again. I want to try something.”
Rauru: “Oh the scalloped potatoes look SO scrumptious, and I simply MUST try some of the spiral-cut ham!”
Zelda: “I was thinking of getting into butter sculpting. Would that be weird?”
>>and she positioned herself over him, holding his length just below her entrance.
Zelda: You sure it’s not just another blocked artery?
Link: I approve!
>>she slammed down on him,
Zelda: Really rippin’ into him for not putting his dirty dishes in the dishwasher.
Zelda: Well that’s what I would do.
>>stabbing her insides with his organ
Rauru: Pancreas? Lymphatic system? Sigmoid colon?
>>and gasping in pain.
Link: This is going GREAT!
>>“Saria! Are you hurt?”
DED: “Cause I can hook you up, y’know, if you’re jonesin’.”
>>The noise of the forest seemed to mock her ignorance,
>>but she ignored it
Zelda: “C’mon forest, I’m not THAT ignorant! I can count all the way to ‘stick!’”
>>and focused only on Link.
Link: Now THAT’S what I like to hear!
>>Her vagina gradually loosened around him,
DED: Once it realized he wasn’t going anywhere, it just gave up in disgust.
>>and she knew this was the next stage of pleasure.
Rauru: And that she only had two lives, and a continue, left to beat it.
>>The pain dissipated quickly
Zelda: The tingling cool numbs sore muscles, while the heat relaxes and relieves the tension--fast!
>>when she realized that the wonderful boy inside her was ignoring his pleasure to make sure she was okay.
Link: Medical community, take note.
>>“Yes, but it feels good too. I want to…ah…play this new game with you.”
DED (lustfully): Mmm, ahh, Dungeons and Dragons...
Zelda: Ugh, yuck, too close to home there Dave.
>>Pleasure itched up her spine
Rauru: Oh, I bet this is the boss of that stage of pleasure she just beat.
>>as she relaxed on top of him, and she rocked her body forward,
DED: And she was, rock-ing in-to the-night, rock-ing into-the-night?
>>stirring up her special place with his special place.
Link: Ugh. Umff. God, that phrase is just sitting in the bottom of my brain like a dead drowned cat.
>>The Lost Woods fell away as they gave in to each other,
Zelda: ...swirled and reformed into a psychedelic kaleidoscope that transmogrified with every heartbeat and turned into a cosmic nebula shaped like an eagle.
>>Link writhing below her as he had before,
>>and soon Saria was impaling herself on him over and over.
DED: Warning, Link may have sharp edges.
Link: Those N64 polygons, I’m tellin’ ya man.
>>She leaned back and placed her hands on his legs for support
Rauru: Moral support? Logistical support?
Zelda: Lifting and separating support?
>>while she bounced, letting him slide in and out,
Link: Wheeeeee best recess ever!
>>and he squeezed her rear firmly
Rauru: Desperately clutching at a shred of tangible reality amid the maelstrom of insanity churning in his brain.
>>as he involuntarily added his own thrusts.
DED: Seems like pretty much everything that’s happened to him so far has happened without his volition.
>>“Oh! It feels so good!” she wailed.
Zelda: Oh yeah she’s a real Sinatra all right.
>>Why hadn’t the Deku Tree told them they could do this wonderful thing with their bodies?
DED: Because secretly, deep down inside, he hates you.
Link: No no, deep down inside, he was full of spiders.
Zelda: I think he didn’t tell you about sex because he’s, I dunno, A FUCKING TREE.
Rauru: Right, I find it strange that every author seems to wonder why he doesn’t give out more sex advice to fleshy beings.
>>She worked so vigorously that her short hair and petite breasts bounced.
Zelda: Breasts bouncing during sex? NO WAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
>>The sight combined with the grip around his hardness proved too much for Link,
Rauru: Heart attack, eh? I’ve been there, man.
>>whose eyes rolled into the back of his head as she helplessly rolled her hips.
Link: Man, this whole tryst just reeks of despair and resignation. Is that just me?
DED: No, this whole setup kind of reminds me of I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream.
>>It didn’t take long for the next new thing to happen.
Zelda: Tell me about it, always some stupid new fad comin’ down the pipe.
>>Link gave a strangled cry as hot liquid splashed against her insides,
DED: I just gotta say, what’s up with using the passive voice to describe what is arguably the crux of the whole story right here? “Mistakes were made, fluids were splashed, no one can truly say who’s responsible.”
>>causing them to clench and unclench around him.
Rauru: Everybody Clenchercise®!
>>“Oh, Link!” she yelled blissfully.
Zelda: “...THAT’S what your name is!”
>>She continued to twitch around him long after his organ stopped twitching,
DED: I guess the twitching hour is at hand.
Zelda: She’s something all right, but it only rhymes with “twitch.”
>>and then she fell to his side exhausted and sore,
Link: And dehydrated and delirious and in septic shock from the pollen in her bloodstream.
>>curling up against his larger body. The heat in her body evaporated,
Rauru: ...aaaand death followed shortly thereafter.
>>and she let him pull her closer as she placed a hand on his bare chest.
DED: Oh yeah, she caresses his clammy skin, brushes off the leaves stuck to it...
>>“I’m glad you’re my friend too, Link. You’re my very best friend.”
Link: And that’s why is SO FREAKING WEIRD AND WRONG. Cripes, don’t these authors ever consider MY feelings?
>>She let out another low moan
Rauru: And rattled her spectral chains and, y’know, stalked incorporeally across the land in search of the peace of oblivion.
>>as his thick liquid slowly leaked out of her, and she smiled into his shoulder,
>>satisfied that they had reached the end of the game together.
Link: Now they can tackle some of the postgame dungeons, try for some achievements, maybe check out new game plus...
>>But as their ragged breathing returned to normal and the chill of the air settled over them,
DED: ...regret came crashing down like a bowling ball dropped on a Fig Newton.
>>she was suddenly aware of everything again:
Link: OH GOD! I DON’T WANT TO GO BACK! I’LL NEVER REMEMBER!
Zelda: No no no calm down!
Link: The horror...the horror...
>>their closeness, their sweaty nude forms,
Rauru: ...that coupon she had been meaning to use but she never got around to it and it expired, the leftover vegetable lasagna she was planning to heat up for lunch...
>>and her confusion.
DED: I guess she...FORGOT she was confused, which...made her temporarily...rational?
>>The forest pretended to be dull and peaceful
Link: Well FUCK YOU, you can’t fool me you wretched abominable deathtrap!
>>as if claiming innocence in the recent events,
Zelda: Given the average jail term for viewers of kiddie porn, I can’t say I blame it.
>>and she abruptly felt like they had done something they weren’t supposed to.
Rauru: Good! Good.
>>Link looked guilty and confused too,
>>and she turned away from him to put on her underwear,
Zelda: “Hmm, I wonder if what we just did has any greater meaning to it...or any possible long-term consequences...mnnnaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.”
>>unpleasantly wet from their activities.
Rauru: Their extracurricular underwear-moistening club...
>>“Um, we should go back,”
Link: “Oh, well, GEE. YOU THINK. Well let’s just fucking NAVIGATE our way back out of the LOST WOODS.”
>>she stated without looking at him once they were dressed,
DED: “Uh, Link, I don’t think being friends is working out. Let’s be just fuck buddies, okay?”
>>intent on hiding from him for the rest of the day.
Zelda: Well, this seems like most relationships.
>>But when he again brushed her bangs aside with his thumb and rested his hand on her cheek,
Rauru: ...her irritation with him reached new heights!
>>she couldn’t help smiling,
DED: And letting a tiny fart out.
>>and his eyes danced at her renewed joy.
Link: Did they...do the Hustle doo doo doo doo-doot doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo-doot doo doo doo doo...
>>With all her previous affection,
>>she pressed her lips to his cheek.
“You’re still it!”
Link: “Wait, what?”
>>she announced before sprinting away,
Link: “No, come back, what am I still?”
>>leaving him frozen and dumbfounded
Link: “I just don’t get. ‘I’m still’ what?”
>>until he gave chase.
DED: Wait, no, did the story lap itself? Is it starting over?! It’s like a Mobius strip of bad porn! Ahhhh!
Zelda: Calm down, calm down. The story’s stopped.
Link: What? No. It can’t stop here. This is Keese country.