“Bareback Wolf Riding” by MobMentality

“Bareback Wolf Riding” by MobMentality

In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space

We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:

Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “You’ve been...thunderstruck!”
Rauru! “Not fat, economy-sized!”
Zelda! “I’m ready for my close-up!”
Link! “Everybody wants you!”
If you don’t get how he stays alive
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!

>>Midna is doing it again.  

Zelda: Thaaaat’s our Midna! Hyuk hyuk hyuk!

>>Second time today.

Link: Eating, like a loser. What the hell does she think she’s doing, needing food and stuff?

>>Does she think you don’t know what she’s up to?  

DED: M...me, sir?

Rauru: Euuuhh, I’m not sure how I feel about my porno addressing me directly.

DED: I mean, personally, based on what I’ve come to expect out of these stories I’ve got a pretty good guess as to what she’s up to.

>>For Farore’s sake, you’re able to pick up week old scent trails,

Rauru: Why thank you! I can also detect the smell of pizza rolls from over ten miles away in open water.

Zelda: Oh, I think I get it, this is the uncommonly-seen “second-person wolf” narrative style.

>>you can certainly smell sex when it’s occurring literally on top of you.

Link: “C’mon, Midna, I can accept the fact that you don’t want to date me, but  the way you bring back random OTHER guys and have sex with them on my back is REALLY damaging my self-respect!”

Zelda: He should bang on his back with a broom handle and yell at her to keep it down.

Rauru: Maybe leave a passive-aggressive note on the tip of his tail for her to find.

>>Not to mention the way she starts panting as though she’s the one doing the carrying in this partnership.

Link: Ho ho, ha ha, the author used a simile to compare the reality of the situation to its hypothetical opposite, but of course THAT’S just a silly fantasy, OF COURSE. I mean come on, NOTHING AT ALL could be less plausible than THAT particular scenario.

>>Seriously, this is getting ridiculous.  

DED: I know, and we’re only a couple sentences in!

Rauru: ZINNNG!

>>You’ve been running your ass off for weeks now,

Zelda: And the pounds have been melting away!

>>catching dark insects and fighting shadow monsters,

DED: Y’know, the usual.

>>all so she can reassemble the creepy mask she wears

Link: Yep, helping Midna reacquire her unholy godlike powers was definitely the way to go.

>>and use it to free the land from this suspended twilight realm it’s caught in,

Rauru: This whole suspended twilight jazz with the hoo-hah on the whatzitmagutzit!

>>and she’s rubbing one off on your back at all hours of the day!

DED: Dah noyve of it all!

Link: I get no respect I tell ya, no respect! I told my imp I needed a home improvement loan, she gave me a thousand dollars to get out! I tell ya my imp’s a real piecea work...

Zelda: Don’t you EVER Rodney Dangerfield again.

Link: ...yes dear...

>>You could tolerate it –

Zelda: —Relish it, even—

>>it is kinda sexy after all,

DED: If you’re into umbral midgets.

>>even if it does make the fur on your back all sticky –

Rauru: —and your dignity simply implode into nothingness—

>>but it’s turning you on something fierce,

Link: It’s turning you, something fierce, on.

DED: Huh, that was uncharacteristically clever of you.

Link: What talking are you about?

DED: Oh never mind.

>>and you really do not need the distraction right now.  

Zelda: Man, I know, I’ve got SO many things I’d rather be doing right now than reading th—oh, right, second-person wolf.

>>It doesn’t help that the distinct female musk she’s gushing

Rauru: Well YEAH, that doesn’t help at ALL!

>>reminds you of your friend cum fuck-buddy Ilia,

DED: Wow, a semi-highbrow vocabulary word that’s also a naughty pun. I can tell already this story’s going to be a cut above the regular fare.

Zelda: In that it’s better?

DED: No, in that I hate it even more.

>>who you have yet to locate,

Link: She just...might...be breaking it off with you.

>>and that it’s been nearly a month since your last roll in the hay with her,

Rauru: The hay’s going to be so lonely!

>>so your nuts are fairly fit to burst.

DED: Or unfairly depending on your perspective.

>>As the evil imp’s low moans become more high pitched

Link: Ah HA! I KNEW I wasn’t the only one who knew that Midna was pure evil! Now it’s canon!

DED: I sincerely hope that nothing in this story is canon.

>>and she begins grinding herself more forcefully along your vertebrae,

Link: God I hate that ungrateful bitch. My lumbar ached for weeks afterward. WEEKS!

Rauru: What? From the force of her masturbation?

Link: No jackass, from the force of her big fat ass weighing me down my EVERY WAKING MOMENT!

>>you decide you’ve had enough

Zelda: ...of this nonsense...

>>and stop

Rauru: ...reading this story altogether.

>>your gallop across Hyrule Field,

Link: He’s across the 30, to the 25, inside the 20, OOH! Finally brought down at the 17-yard-line!

>>abruptly enough that Midna nearly winds up flipping right off of you.  

DED: Yes, yes, die die die die!

Link: Trust me, I would greatly enjoy flipping her off in more ways than one.

>>Her magic catches her,

DED: Aw...

>>and after settling back on your back,

Zelda: Ethnic violence broke out between the settlers and the back natives almost immediately.

>>she gives your ear a vicious yank

Rauru: She gave his EAR a yank.

Zelda: ...Right. That’s what it said.

Rauru: Uh huh. I’m just confirming that she was yanking on his EAR, and not on something else.

DED: Slow down there, I’m sure she’ll get around to yanking on other things sooner or later.

>>and shouts into it. “The hell was that for, idiot!

Link: Ahhh, love...

>>You nearly knocked me off!”

Rauru: ...and I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for your meddling sorcery!

Zelda: “Yep, you failed at something yet again. Can you do ANYTHING right?”

>>You crane your neck

DED: But, infuriatingly, it slips out of the little claw on the way over to the prize chute.

>>to make eye contact with her,

Link: Wait, he’s folding his neck all the way over so the top of his head is resting on his own back?

>>and shoot her a look that somehow manages to convey the message, “I’m not getting lectured by a girl that’s still leaking fluids on me.”  

Zelda: Funny, that’s the same thing he says to his victims when they beg for mercy.

Link: In my experience, NO amount of leaking fluids will stop a girl from lecturing me. Come to think of it, spilled fluids are usually the CAUSE of the lectures...

>>It’s important to have expressive eyes when you no longer have human vocal cords.

Rauru: You see, we communicate with a series of blinks...

>>She chuckles in response, completely unabashed.  

DED: Look, she comes from a different culture. A different, stupid culture.

>>“Heh, so you noticed how I was passing the time, did ya?  

Link: “Dammit Midna, your cross-stitching is out of control!”

>>Sure took you long enough.”  

Zelda: Men NEVER notice the little things.

Rauru: “You didn’t notice when I got that perm the other day, either!”

>>Your ocular demand that she knock it off and focus on the task at hand

DED: Ironically, masturbation happened to BE the task at hand.

Link: Or at least a task FOR hands.

>>is met with a laugh and a dismissive wave of the hand.

Rauru: Relaaaaax, there’s plenty of time for autoeroticism before the world ends.

>> “Aw, come on Wolfy, don’t be a spoilsport. I’ve got nothing to do most of the time,

Zelda: “...and I admit it cheerfully!”

Link: “...and that BETTER not CHANGE any time soon, get me?!”

>>and I can’t help but get turned on watching you rip the throats out of big scary monsters.”

DED: WwwwwwOAH.

Link: Wait...REEEEally? Hey, maybe I had Midna figured all wrong. I wonder if I still have her number around...

Zelda: “The way the fountains of arterial blood gush to the rhythm of the quickly-fading heartbeat, the intestines spilling from the ruined abdominal cavity...oh God, take me now!”

>>You aren’t amused,

Link: In fact, you’re rather intrigued!

>>and shake yourself to dislodge her.  

Rauru: C’mon and work it out baby now, (work it out baby), twist and shout!

>>She lazily floats off and hovers beside you.

DED: I, uh, I don’t have much experience with levitation, but is it really so easy to do that it’s lazy to do it?

>>“Geeze, who shoved a stick up your butt, Mr. Hero?”

Link: “Well, you did, the other week...”

Zelda: “Ha ha ha ha ha, that’s right! Good times.”

>>You huff dismissively,

Rauru: Fine, masturbate all you like, see what I care!

>>and resume the trek to your next destination.  

Zelda: ...the sex toy shop, to make Midna happy.

>>She floats along in semi-amicable silence

DED: So even when she isn’t saying or doing anything she’s still somewhat of an asshole.

>>while fixing you with an evaluating expression.

Link: Now, on a scale of one to five, with one being “Very unlikely” and five being “Very likely,” how likely are you to use our product or service in the future?

DED: God, the stupidest evaluation question I ever saw was on some job application form, and it said, “I tend to be disagreeable. Agree/Disagree.” You magnificent bastard, THERE’S NO GOOD ANSWER!

>>You’re just starting to enjoy the quiet when she speaks up again.

Zelda: Story of my life.

>>“Oh, now I get it! You’re feeling left out, aren’t you boy?”

Link: “No, I’m feeling like YOU are a useless sack of horny unproductive dead weight! This is just going to exacerbate the problem!”

>>You tense up and pause momentarily in your stride.

Rauru: You suddenly realize that you left your wallet back at the last rest stop. You stand paralyzed as you debate internally whether you should turn around and go back for it, or just accept that it’s gone and cancel all your credit cards.

>>“Aha!

DED: It’s quite elementary, my dear Watson...

>>That’s it, isn’t it?

Zelda: What’s what, isn’t what?

>>Poor Wolfy’s feeling all pent up and frustrated.”

Link: That does not, in any way, invalidate my earlier complaint about her grinding her ladyparts into my FUCKING BACK!

>>You pick up your pace to put some distance between yourself and this awkward conversation,

Rauru: But she just keeps talking and following and talking and talking and talking.

>>but suddenly your feet aren’t in contact with the ground.

DED: Press spacebar to jump.

>>Midna’s activated her weird hair/tentacle/magic thing,

Link: Man, I just want to activate my arms and punch this story right in the nose.

>>and is now holding you suspended in the air as she reels you back to her.

Zelda: Why hasn’t anyone, y’know, tried to stop Midna? Like, get some torches and pitchforks, form an angry mob...

DED: I mean she IS an affront to God and all.

>>“Now don’t be like that, boy.  

Link: Be like some other boy!

>>If we’re both feeling horny, why don’t we help each other out?

Rauru: Beeeeeeecause it’s abhorrent and generally impractical?

>>I’ve been wondering what a doggie dick looks like since we first met.”

DED: “In fact I was wondering about that even BEFORE we met. Come to think of it, I was sitting around wondering what a doggie dick looks like right when Zant barged in and transformed me into an imp and exiled me, and I’ve pretty much been thinking about it ever since.”

>>If wolves could blush, you’d be doing so right now,

Link: Embarrassed for her, really.

>>but instead you try to again circumvent the language barrier and argue that neither of you have time to fuck; you’re in the middle of saving the world.  

DED: But given that it’s a fairly multifaceted and nuanced sentence and your only means of communication are staring, blinking, drooling and howling, it doesn’t really go that well.

>>Your efforts are forestalled by Midna’s raised hand.  

Zelda: ...as it slaps you sharply upside the head.

>>“Everyone else in the world is frozen in dreamland, Wolfy.  

Rauru: “Why aren’t you? Slacker.”

>>They aren’t going to notice if we take an extra hour or two to save them.

DED: ‘Cause they’ll be dead.

>>Besides, I bet you’ll fight better if you aren’t swinging those full balls around.”

Link: Oh thanks for that tactical battlefield assessment, you’re a regular Solid effing Snake. What is this, my performance review?

>>Without further explanation,

Zelda: Well shit, what more is there to say? What would the further explanation even be?  

DED: Err... “You gon’ get raped?”

>>you are lowered to the ground and flipped onto your back,

Rauru: ...pan-seared until golden brown, then flipped again...

>>a position that would make you feel vulnerable even if you weren’t being held still by a giant orange appendage.

Link: Add to that the scathing criticism that your publisher heaped on your manuscript, and you’re just feeling really vulnerable, y’know?

>>Midna sashays over to you

Zelda: ...and step turn step, sashay, sashay, step turn kick and stick out the tushie...
>>and begins running her fingers along your belly where the fur is softest.

Rauru: And where food goes, to turn into poop!

DED: Yes, yes, very good Rauru.

>>“Just lie back and enjoy this, Mr. Hero.

Link: Um, this is rape.

Zelda: What are you, a faggot?

Link: Come on, MASSIVE double standard here!

>>The sooner I get mine, the sooner we can get back to saving your princess and the rest of Hyrule.”

DED: So she’s using the fate of millions as rhetorical leverage to punish you with sex for the crime of being irritated by her constant masturbation.

Link: That...appears to be the case, yes.

>>She’s started to tickle the edges of your cock sheath, and it’s earning a response.

Rauru: Instant, overpowering disgust.

>>“You know, I bet you could get Zelda to do this for you if you really wanted to,

Zelda: Wow, what a slanderous bitch.

Link: Doesn’t make it not true.

Zelda: Well, sweetie, we can negotiate.

Link: WELL then!

Rauru: Wait, Zelda, you’re saying you’d go down on Link in wolf form?

Zelda: Err...uh...maybe...?

DED: Wait, Link, you’re saying you want Zelda to grasp you with a magic tentacle and rape you?

Link: Err...uh...maybe...?

>>once we’re done with this quest I mean.

Rauru: “Or maybe during, we’ll see if she’s game.”

>>Isn’t that how princesses are supposed to reward their champions?”  

DED: Well traditionally a fief or collection of fiefs, as well as a baron-level title or some other form of peerage, is considered—

Zelda: Ah, cram it Professor Peabody, sloppy handjob’s the way to go.

DED: Well, whatever you say, Sherman.

Zelda: Hey.

>>Now there’s a thought,

Link: MMMM-hmm!

>>and it’s enough to bring you close to full mast.

Zelda: I like that this story correctly acknowledges who you REALLY get off on, Link.

>>You jump

DED: Or, well, you don’t, because she’s holding you on the ground with her magic hair tentacle. But you get the gist.

>>as a hand grabs the base of your organ

Rauru: *bellows Toccata & Fugue*

>>in a surprisingly firm grip given the size of your captor,

Zelda: In fact, it’s like she hates your dick and wants to crush it into oblivion.

>>and after testing the girth with a few squeezes, she begins jerking you off with enthusiasm.  

Link: Well I wish she’d go back to using her hands; enthusiasm alone just isn’t cutting it.

>>Her hands are tiny, even together they barely reach around your shaft.

DED: And they’re inadequate in all sorts of other ways, too.

>>With a double-fisted grip, she pumps up and down in an irregular rhythm.

Zelda: Well, lay back and think of Ordon, stiff upper lip old boy.

>>As you try to arch your head back and buck your hips up into her hands in an effort to speed up her ministrations,

Rauru: I mean COME ON, we’re on a schedule here!

>>the force holding you morphs and shifts around you,

Zelda: Oh boy, I think I know enough about Japan to know where this is going...

>>enveloping your body so that your movement is almost completely restricted

Zelda: Oooooooooh, I see, just some light bondage. That’s okay I guess.

Link: You sound disappointed.

>>and holding your head so that you cannot look anywhere but

DED: At.

>>the dark imp straddling your belly. Midna smiles cheekily at you.

Rauru: So uh, a very small smile that’s mostly cheek?

>>“Don’t look away Wolfy, I want you to watch me playing with this monstrous cock of yours.

DED: Cockzilla?

Zelda: Sasqrotch?

Link: El Chupacockbra?

Rauru: This sounds like the best theme porno EVER.

>>Who knew a good little doggie like you would have such a scary tool?

Zelda: “I’m just terrified of bandsaws!”

>>This thing is going to split my little cunt in two.

DED: Uh, not to be pedantic but the cunt is an aperture. It’s pretty much designed to be split in two.

Zelda: You’re a liar.

DED: What? What are you talking about, you of the four of us sh—

Zelda: No, you lied about not being pedantic.

DED: Guilty as charged.

>>I’d better lube you up first.”

Link: Oh God, wait, she might actually be about to tentacle-rape me after all!

Zelda: REALLY?

Link: ...

Zelda: I mean, uh, is that so?

>>She leans forward, her face so close to your penis you can feel her breath on it.

Rauru: Well, such proximity is sort of necessary for this whole procedure.

>>“Mmm, your dick smells good, Doggy.

Link: Christ, are you EVER going to shut up, or are you just going to narrate this sex the WHOLE TIME?!

>>So sweaty and dirty.

DED: “In the hellish nightmare world I come from, that’s what makes things smell good!”

>>I wonder what it tastes like?”

Zelda: Truly, in our capacity to ponder the unknown lies man’s greatest beauty.

DED: You know Princess, every day of my life I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and the best is to fix our attention on the good, and the beautiful. If you just take the time to look at it.

>>She sticks out her surprisingly large tongue

Rauru: I mean really, it just keeps going, and going, and...going it’s like...it never...my God, it’s...

>>and gives the tapered head of your member a long, slow lick,

Link: I think it’d go a little something like this: “EEEEeeeeeuuurrrrarrrrrrrrrrruggghhhhhhhht pff pff pfft.”

>>lapping up a pearl of precum that has accumulated there.

DED: It makes sense he’d produce a pearl; Midna has been a constant irritation after all.

>>She stares into your eyes

Link: Ngaaahhh! Why do girls stare into my eyes while they suck me off?! It makes me feel so guilty! It’s like their haunting eyes grow and grow until I can see nothing else!

Zelda: Don’t you think you’re being a tad melodramatic?

Link: I am unmoored from reality forever! Instead of rhythmic slurping sounds, all I can hear is a endless spectral wailing! EEEEEeooooeEEEEEEEEooEEEEEOoeEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Zelda: Calm your ass down, it’s...

Link: WEEEOOOOEEEEOOEOOOOOEEEEEEOOEEOEOEOEOOOOOOOEEEOO—

Zelda: SHUT UP!

>>as she pops the tip into her mouth.

Rauru: Hmm...rich and full-bodied, redolent of grass stains and day-old urine...

>>You cannot stop yourself from whimpering

Link: Nor from making a sort of derisive snorting sound.

>>as she swallows an impressive portion of you length

DED: What you talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?

Rauru: Uh, ma’am, I don’t want to complain but you seem to be eating me. If you could...yeah, see, now you’ve mostly eaten me. Yep you’re well on your way to swallowing me whole, I’d rather you maybe didn’t.

>>and holds her head there.  With more than half your cock down her throat,

Link: Wait, the top half or the bottom half?

DED: ...are you LITERALLY retarded?

Link: I’M TOO DUMB TO KNOOOOOOOOOWWW!

>>she does not bob her head

Rauru: Booooo! I want a refund!

>>but instead suckles on you, her eyelids fluttering as her airway is blocked.

Zelda: Oh, yes, this HAS to kill her!

>>If her hands weren’t squeezing the base of your dick in a vicegrip,

Link: ...you might still have a tiny shred of dignity left, and you’d probably be making great time...

>>you would  be filling her belly right now,

Rauru: ...yep, you’ve completely swallowed me. Is this what you wanted? I hate you.

>>and you whine pathetically at the denial.

DED: Oh, don’t worry, in a couple of weeks you’ll look back on this whole incident and laugh. Laugh, long and bitterly, the laugh of the mad and broken man.

>>Hearing you snaps Midna out of the trance she appears to have been in,

Zelda: And back to horrible, horrible reality!

>>and she pulls her head up, your cock leaving her mouth with a muted pop,

Rauru: And with a lasting, unpleasant aftertaste.

>>strands of saliva dripping from her lips.

DED: Pavlov’s imp.

>>“You ready for the main event Wolfy?

Link: This Sunday, only on Pay-Per-View!

Zelda: What is, porn? Well, yeah, actually.

>>I need this nasty thing in me, right now.”

Rauru: She needs all sorts of nastiness inside her, so she can distill it into a more potent form and spew it back into the world.

>>She lifts herself up so she is now standing on your stomach,

DED: ...doing a little jig to accompany your cries of pain.

>>and you are amazed to see that your dick is actually longer than her legs,

Link: Yes, yes, and your tongue is longer than her thyroid gland, who cares?

>>reaching nearly the middle of her belly. You absently wonder how you are possibly going to fit in her,

Zelda: Wait a minute, I think I’m starting to get why human males might find Midna attractive, if they have, y’know, the “right”-sized penis.

DED: That’s an excellent point. Midna, weird and horrid as she is, would be one of the few beings around that would appreciate a particularly small human penis. In fact, boning Wolf Link and his stupidly enormous dong is, frankly, an egregious waste of her natural aptitudes.

Rauru: And our time.

>>but you pay the question little mind.

DED: You just hope that, somehow, it kills her.

>>She floats up so her dripping sex is just above your painfully hard member, and without ceremony

Link: WHAT?!? SHE’S CANCELLING THE CEREMONY?!?

DED: Whoa, calm down.

Link: That’s the whole reason I wanted to have sex in the FIRST place! DAMN IT! I had Beyonce and Bruce Springsteen lined up to perform, just what the HELL am I supposed to tell them?!

>>she drops onto it,

Rauru: “Whoops, missed. Whoops, missed again. Man, I didn’t think I needed to practice this...”

>>swallowing all of you into her until her inner thighs come to rest against your apple-sized knot.

Zelda: Thanks to Twilight Princess, I know more about lupine penile anatomy than I had ever wanted to know in a million billion years.

DED: Well, it’s not specifically the existence of TwiPri that’s at fault, but rather the existence of perverts on the Internet. I mean I don’t really think you can lay the blame directly at Shigeru Miyamoto’s feet.

>>Her eyes roll back and she sighs exaggeratedly.

Rauru: Wow, it’s like they’ve looked into a crystal ball at...us, thirty seconds from now! HYOOOOOOOOO!

>>“Fucking hell Link, that’s the stuff right there.

Link: Fucking hell, Midna, you’re the chattiest goddamn shag I’ve ever endured!

>>I should have done this ages ago.

Zelda: I should have killed you when I had the chaaaaaaance!

>>This body was made to take dick.”

DED:: No, I’m pretty sure Zant made you that body specifically to be a hideously embarrassing torture.

Zelda: ...So maybe it WAS made to take dick.

>>She stays in this position for a minute,

Rauru: Sixty whole seconds of motionless silence, huh?

Link: People really need to remember how freaking long a minute is.

>>absently running her finger along the noticeable bulge in her own belly that your organ is causing

DED: As you belt out the solo from “Light My Fire.”

>>and ignoring your mental demands for her to get moving.

Zelda: And your physical demands for her to get moving, and your mental and physical demands for pretty much everything else for that matter.

>>Finally she starts bouncing up and down,

Rauru: “Look, lady, I paid good money for your services as a pogo stick, I expect a prompt and professional response!”

>>at first with her own muscles,

Link: Such as they are.

>>but then she employs more of her special brand of magic

Zelda: Her special brand of horrible eldritch hexes fuelled by nightmare and suffering.

DED: Wait, you mean that Midna’s magic is actually unique, and not just something her species does? My god, that somehow makes it even more terrifying.

>>and has it repeatedly lift her most of the way off your cock before releasing her and letting her slide back down.

All: *tittering*

DED: This...it’s...

Zelda: Not the MOST ridiculous sexual practice we’ve witnessed...but close.

>>It really shouldn’t surprise you that she’s as lazy about sex as she is with everything else.

Link: So magic use is lazy, huh? What would the world come to if magicians just started lounging on the couch all day, using magic to get chips and beer out of the fridge?

Zelda: Uh, Link, here before you is that which you fear, and its name is Rauru.

Rauru (surrounded by levitating pork rinds): Preeey musch...nom nom nomf.

>>Then the magic changes,

Zelda: Yeah, sometimes when you’re making love, there’s just a special moment when it’s like you’ve...oh, wait, they mean LITERAL magic.

>>and now she actually pulling herself down on you,

DED: Wow, that’s an advanced magical technique. She must be a high-level pornomancer.

>>gasping at every downstroke

Zelda: “*gasp*! Oh, wait, I did that to myself.”

>>and approaching a rhythm you’d be hard-pressed to match even when using your own hands.

Link: Uh, past tense on the hand usage I’m afraid.

>>Her nymph body is so much smaller than yours,

Rauru: She’s upstaged your nymph body at the Small Nymph Body Competition for the LAST TIME!

>>its easy to forget she is an actual partner in this;

DED: Well, since this is pretty much rape, I wouldn’t say there’s any sort of partnership to be had here.

>>watching her slim form literally expand every time she takes you into her,

Zelda: She just LOOKS at a cock and gains five pounds! Now Betty in HR, she can eat dick whenever she wants and never worry about it...

>>you could almost imagine she’s just some sort of magical masturbation tool.

Link: In fact I think I’ll do just that!

>>Savoring the vacant, deliriously happy expression on her face in place of her usual smug grin,

Rauru: It’s...sort of an improvement.

DED: I wonder if it’s the happiness being savored, or the vacant deliriousness.

Link: Well I’ve made MY choice.

>>you hit your limit,

Rauru: “Yep, can’t stand to look at THAT anymore...urg, mulph.”

>>and at long last you come explosively inside of her,

Zelda: She’s been hit by an IED!

Link: IED?

DED: Improbably Explosive Dick.

>>breaking her out of her euphoric daze and making her squeal in delight

Rauru: Euphoria is so last second, delight is what’s in now!

>>as she feels her stomach actually bloat slightly from the volume of fluid you are depositing in her.

Zelda: HOOOkay, moving swiftly along.

>>She lies on your chest and you both enjoy the post-sex high for a length of time,

Link: You know, maybe engage in some activities for a certain duration.

>>until eventually Midna lifts herself off of you

DED: T-minus ten...nine...primary afterburners engaged...seven...six...

>>and sets her body on the ground next to your head,

Zelda: Why isn’t she putting it with all the other bodies she has crammed in the tool shed?

>>surprisingly not spilling any of your mixed love juices on you in the process.

Rauru: In that it’s surprising she didn’t do so deliberately.

>>She lays down on her side, with one hand supporting her head and the other scratching the underside of your muzzle.

Link: Man, this is going to give me really weird PTSD.

>>You idly notice that she has yet to release you from her magic confinement,

Rauru: Idly fearing for your idle life, you idly contemplate the series of idle mistakes that have led you to this terrible, idle situation.

>but you just shrug internally, figuring that she’s probably getting off on dominating you this way.

DED: Wouldn’t it be more different and kinky for her if she, like, STOPPED being a domineering bitch for a change?

>>“We’re going to do this again, Wolfy.”

Zelda: Yesssss, leave it to Midna to turn an isolated instance of abuse into a cycle!

>>She speaks up. “That was way too much fun to be a one time event,

Link: ...Only on Pay-Per-V—

Rauru: You made that joke already.

Link: ...oh.

>>and we need to work on getting that knot inside of me.

Zelda: Do we really?

>>Maybe we’d have better luck with my ass?”

DED (seductive): “I’ve been wiping with four-leaf clovers...”

>>She looks behind her to evaluate your softening penis

Link: Hey c’mon, I passed my 32-point inspection.

>>while letting her cum-covered fingers drift back to teasingly brush the rim of her anus,

Rauru: That reminds me of the time I wadded up a Subway wrapper and tossed it at the trashcan, only to have it teasingly brush the rim and bounce out.

>>but just then a guttural shriek sounds in the distance,

Zelda: “Oh hell, witnesses. Well Wolfy, you know what we got to do, no survivors.”

>>and you both become aware that you will soon have unwelcome company.

DED: Unwelcome company in addition to Midna?

>>Without words Midna releases you from her spell,

Link: OHTHANKGOD!

>>you scramble to your feet, and she jumps onto your back.

Rauru: So the satisfaction of her carnal urges has earned Link NO reprieve from the constant burdensome humiliation of her fat ass on his not-anatomically-designed-for-passengers back. NONE.

>>As you move to engage the small horde of bokoblins,

DED: Is a “small horde” really a horde anymore? Maybe it’s just a mob.

Zelda: Or perhaps a slew.

Link: Or maybe a passel.

DED: Or mayhap a bunch.

Rauru: Or a short stack.

Zelda: ...That’s just for pancakes.

Rauru: Whatever.

>>you’re forced to admit that you feel better than you have in ages.

Link: ...now that I’ve STOPPED fucking Midna and gotten back to my true calling, disembowelment.

DED: Do you have any, you know, regrets?

Link: Nope! What can I say? It’s fulfilling.

Zelda: I just can’t understand the enduring appeal of the imp/wolf porn. I wonder if there were hundreds, nay, thousands of people wishing to see such a thing, for whom Twilight Princess was a turning point in their lives.

DED: You might be projecting a tiny bit.

Zelda: “At last!” they said, flecks of saliva flying from their trembling lips. “A video game that pairs the inherent sexiness of an oddly-complexioned midget and a rippling, virile teenage wolf!” And as their greasy fingers fumbled with their trouser zipper, they thought to themselves, “And as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, there WILL BE RULE 34 OF THIS! OH YESSS!”

DED: ...You have issues.

Zelda (guzzling lime vodka from hip flask) *glup glup glup glup glup*

DED: …

Zelda: *phuh* YOU read the same story I just did, you fucker, YOU lookme inna eye an say there’s any hope! Waaaaaaahhhhh... *glup glup glup*