Saturday, March 16, 2013

“Guaranty” by xXSirinXx

In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space

We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:

Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “Ten-eighty-pee!”
Rauru! “Funyons are onions made of fun!”
Zelda! “Every hero’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed royal!”
Link! “Moose! Indian!”
If you don’t get how he stays alive
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!

>>The first thing Link was aware of was his aching head

Link: Just another Saturday afternoon awakening on Zelda’s kitchen floor, I suppose.

Zelda: Ha ha, yes, we do have booze. Fun. I mean fun.

>>that seemed to beat in time with his heart

Rauru: Oh, so it’s his blood that’s the problem.

DED: I’m of a mind he’d be better off without it.

>>as if Bongo Bongo was drumming on the inside of his skull.  

Zelda: The very metaphor used by legions of hungover frat bros at Shadow Temple U.

Link: You know, I bet if Stalfos had collars, they’d be popped. They just seem the type.
>>He cracked an eye open with a groan.  

DED: Out, vile jelly!

Zelda: ...You didn’t just miss the point, you hit and killed a friendly point and you’re gonna get court-martialed.

>>Even the dim torchlight filtering in through the bars of the cell hurt.  

Rauru: Yeah, that sucks, and he’s gotta get back to his coffin by sunrise too.

>>He stumbled to his feet, shackles chiming with his every movement.  

DED: No, wait, that’s just his iPhone.

>>Navi was nowhere to be seen.


Zelda: Always sneaking off for a smoke break. Bitch.

>>Had the guards caught her too

Rauru: Or did she let herself get caught? Was she in league with them from the beginning? A thousand dark thoughts ran through his head, years of paranoia finally, seemingly, vindicated.

>>or did she slip away and was now searching the massive fortress for him?  

Zelda: Floating through the halls yelling, “HEY! LOOK! HEY! LINK! LISTEN! HEY! LINK!”

>>Link looked around the cell,

DED: Noting the various organelles, such as the mitochondria and the Golgi apparatus.

Link: My God, is there nothing you can’t be a nerd about?

DED: I am the Alpha and the Omega Nerd, a nerd without origin or terminus.

>>half hoping that there was something he could use or exploit to escape.  

Rauru: REALLY? He’s not 100% hopeful for a chance to escape?

Zelda: Well, hey, this place isn’t half-bad, I wouldn’t be real torn up if I had to stay.

>>But nothing was apparent.  

Link: Induction was impossible. Truth was obfuscated by epistemological uncertainty. He was unmoored from reality forever.

>>The Gerudo were certainly thorough in their work.  

DED: They really sanded the HELL out of this prison furniture!

>>They made sure he can’t slip through their gasp.  

Rauru: Yes, by imprisoning him. We’re aware of how this works.

>>Even his tunic and boots were gone

Zelda: Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho ho, I think I see how it is.

DED: Eh heh ehheh, security precaution, eheheh, yeah that’s right, just following protocol hehehe...

>>to ensure there was nothing on his person he could use against them.

Link: AND to ensure maximum nudeness.

>>So how the hell was he going to get out of this one?

Rauru: Hyuh-huk! We’ll find out...after these messages.

Zelda: Bum ba dum bum bum! BOOOOING!

>>He leaned against the rough red sandstone that made up most of the fortress.  

Link: Wait, how is he able to lean against most of the fortress while he’s chained up?

>>It was surprisingly cool

DED: And tragically hip!

>>given how the Gerudo Valley sat right on the edge of the desert

Zelda: Dontcha know.

>>and felt good in contrast to the dry hot air.  

Rauru: Are they imprisoning him or brick-oven roasting him?

>>Was it night already?  

Link: Aww, maaaan, I was supposed to write that paper today, duuuuude...I just got totally baked instead man hehehehehehehe...

>>There was really no way to tell without any windows.  

DED: Uh, well, not to complain, but usually when you get really tired and fall asleep, that’s how you know.

Link: Without a sky to see, “night” was a thing without meaning. What then of day? What of love, and ethics, and common struggle? Were these too without meaning?

>>Heck, without windows he couldn’t even figure out exactly where he was within the complex.  

Link: Heck, without windows, how was he to know that the outside world still even exists? Without the feeble signals of his meat brain, would the universe itself even continue to exist? Or did it even exist at that very moment?!

DED: Simmer down.

Link *whiny despair*: But, but, the universe is an existential void and stuuuuuffffffffff!

DED: Yes, yes, but you must simply acknowledge the essential meaninglessness of reality. I suggest the mockery of numerous mediocre erotic fanfics.

Link: OhKAAAAAY...

>>He could very well be right next to an exit without ever knowing it.  

Zelda: Or perhaps he was right next to a washing machine or an armadillo, without ever knowing it. Spooky!

Rauru: There could be a tray of burritos scant meters away!

>>That thought alone was depressing.  

Link: Wouldn’t the thought that there might be no exits be more depressing?

DED: Hey, you were already channeling Sartre back there, no need to bring up No Exit.

Link: Whoa, whoa, YOU’RE the nerd here, not me.

>>The swordsman racked his brain for a solution to this sticky situation.  

Rauru: Hours later, his brain was thoroughly racked and the only conclusion he had drawn was, “Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are better on untoasted bread.”
Link: Well they are! The heat from the toast makes the peanut butter all goopy.

Rauru: Good to know! I'm glad we could team up on this one.
>>Hyrule’s future depended on it, on him.  

Zelda: We’re boned.

>>However, nothing was forthcoming.  

DED: Man, tell me about it, this story has the literary equivalent of erectile dysfunction.

>>All he could really do was wait and hope for an opportunity to present itself.  Hopefully soon.

Rauru: Yeah, it’d be better for all of us if you could just present the sex opportunity and get it over with as soon as possible.

>>Link had no idea how much time had past.  


DED: Get a grip!

>>It felt like hours, maybe even days

Zelda: Give me a break, it was probably like fifteen minutes.


>>that he spent staring idly about the dim cell

Rauru: I have noticed that Link is very good at idly staring at things.

>>hoping for an epiphany or maybe even a miracle.  

DED: Or maybe a revelation.

Zelda: Or perhaps apotheosis.

DED: Or even transubstantiation.

Zelda: All right that’s enough.

>>All he knew was that a Gerudo abruptly walked in and muttered something to the guard.  

Link: C’mon, I totally know more than just that, I mean I know...things, like...things...just come back to me.

>>Only after the guard left her post did she approach the bars to his cell.  

Rauru: Dismissing the guard and confronting the hero one-on-one? That can only end well.

Zelda: Dozens of movie villains can’t be wrong!

>>Like the others of her race she was tall, beautiful.  

Link: *yawn* Boring. Let me know if there’s an interesting-looking one, like if she’s fat or has a cool scar or something.

>>Muscles visibly rippled under smooth tan flesh

DED: ...over on the set of Baywatch. Meanwhile in this depressing hellhole...

>>that the gauzy garments she wore did little to hide.  

Rauru: No one here knows how to DRESS properly!

Zelda: Pffyeah, sure Rauru, they need to learn from YOUR example.

>>Her fiery red hair was pulled into a high ponytail that made the sharp features of her face even more prominent.  

Link: In fact, it pulled all the skin and flesh off her skull, which really showed off her high cheekbones.

>>For several moments, hawk-like eyes simply stared at him with an unnerving predatory gaze.

DED: The Gerudo’s pet cat is here too and he’s real mean.

>>“You have some nerve breaking into our fortress.” the Gerudo said.  

Rauru: “And the way you stole all the snacks out of our break room was REALLY unprofessional.”

>>But Link noticed that she didn’t appear all that upset about it.  

All: *knowing laughter*

>>In fact she almost looked curious.  

All: *even more wry, smug, knowing laughter*

>>Maybe they didn’t have all that many break ins.  

Zelda: Maybe Gerudo society just has different norms about boundaries.

>>After all, who would be crazy enough to try and sneak into a compound full of fierce, and quite possibly hostile, warrior women?

DED: Who, but an idiot?

Link: YEAH! Wait.

>>“I’m here on behalf of the boss of the carpenters.”

Rauru: ...Jesus Christ?

>>the swordsman told her truthfully.  Honesty was the best policy…right?  

DED: When you’ve infiltrated a place to conduct espionage? No, not really.

>>“He’s concerned for his employees and would like for them to return.”  

Link: “Plus they say you owe ‘em back-pay on that deck they installed on the fortress last spring...”

>>She leaned against the bars, now genuinely intrigued,

Zelda: “On behalf of the carpenters, you say? That’s genuinely intriguing!”

>>inadvertently revealing even more cleavage

Rauru: I’d call it a wardrobe malfunction, but really the blame lies on the bars.

>>and causing him to note how her brassiere seemed to strain

Rauru: And again, I question the agency of the Gerudo to cause him to note that.

>>under the weight of her ample breasts.  

DED: Here’s that “ample” thing again. You know what “ample” means? “Enough.” “Adequate.” Literally that! If I were the kind of man to massively break the fourth wall I’d use my words here to link to a dictionary definition.

>>He blushed and quickly adverted his gaze

Link: You mean he put up an advert? Like on the side of a lorry or the door to the loo down by the pub? Cor blimey what a git!

>>before she caught him.  

Zelda: I thought he’d been in the cell for days, why the hell are you telling us about what he did before she caught him?!

>>But he was too late.  

Rauru: Staring at her boobs can hardly hurt his case more.

>>Yet, instead of getting upset

Link: Why would I get upset? I got me an eyeful of boob.

>>like he though she would she seemed almost pleased.

DED: Whoa. I know that’s just a typo, but if you read it word for word as written, it’s like having a stroke midway through a sentence.

>>“Perhaps we can help each other out.”

Rauru: I mean this naked guy has SO much to offer.

Zelda: ...Uh...that IS sort of the point, yes.

>>the woman smirked, purposefully leaning even further.

Link: A woman exploiting her breasts in a negotiation with a man? Oh get OUT, they would never...

>>“How so?” he questioned, exercising every

DED: Wait, wait, it’s gonna happen again...

>>once of willpower he had to keep his eyes on her face

DED: See? Bwahahaha! TELL me the typo, and some clever framing, don’t make it a million times better.

Zelda: And by better you mean more confusing.


>>despite his repressed hormones.

Rauru: “Repressed hormones,” what the hell? Was Link preparing for gender reassignment surgery?

>>“Only one male is born to us every hundred years or so

Link: “Y’know, give or take, hopefully we don’t all die before then.”

>>and made our king.” she stated matter-of-factly.  

Zelda: So anybody—a nutjob like Ganondorf, a drooling retard, a chronically-masturbatory furry—could end up as their king.

DED: ...and this is different from the monarchy that you’re a part

Zelda: We can have a regime change more than once a century dammit!

>>“Usually, it is part of his job to…ensure that our race continues.”  

Rauru: So the king’s job is to govern his kingdom. Gotcha.

>>Link blushed bright red at that

Link: “I’m embarrassed by your ludicrous and unnecessarily risky system, ma’am.”

>>and found himself struggling to keep his mind focused on the matter at hand.  

DED: Which was...what?

>>“However, our current king, Ganondorf, has shirked his duty to his people for the sake of power.”

Zelda: Really? That’s not usually how it works.

Rauru: I thought first you get the money, then you get the power, THEN you get the women.

>>the Gerudo spat in disgust.  

Link: “He’s not screwing our brains out one after another, the MONSTER.”

>>“Now we’re in real danger of dying off.  

DED: I mean beFORE, the whole one-man-every-century thing was working out FINE, no real danger of dying off THERE. Frankly I can’t imagine how things could have gone so wrong.

>>Thanks to all his warmongering, we can’t even leave our fortress to seek out…help

Zelda: Have you TRIED placing a lonely hearts ad? Don’t they have an Internet connection in Gerudo Valley?

>>without getting attacked by the fearful citizens of Hyrule.”

Rauru: “Maybe if we stopped beheading them so often...”

>>“And so when the carpenters wandered into the fortress…” Link began as realization dawned on him.

Link: They were defeated in battle and raped?

Zelda: The Gerudo crush their enemies, see them driven before them, and heard the lamentation of

>>“…we took them in the hopes that they could help us replenish our numbers.”

DED: Well, throw a gauzy bikini on ‘em, give ‘em a veil...their man-boobs are kinda like girl-boobs if you squint...

>>the female thief finished.  “Unfortunately, they’re useless.”

Rauru: “They’re a buncha lousy GENTLEMEN. Keep tryin’ to buy us flowers and wantin’ to listen to us talk about our feelings. I just...don’t...GET it!”

>>“What do you mean?” the swordsman asked in mild confusion.  

Link: Is it so hard to understand?

Zelda: Well, this IS you we’re talking about.

Link: Yeah. So what DOES she mean, anyway?

>>From the way most men talked, even getting an opportunity to speak to a Gerudo was a gift from the Goddesses.  

DED: Yeah, even getting a single word out before she disembowels you is a rarity in itself.

>>Maybe they had ‘performance anxiety’.  

Rauru: Or perhaps ‘attachment disorder’ or somesuch.

>>After all, who could possibly turn them down?

DED: Anybody who believes in the adage, “Never stick your dick in crazy?”

>>“They’re gay.” she simply stated.

Link: Well YOUR society only has one gender lady, I would expect you to understand.

>>“Oh…” was all he could think to say to that.  

Zelda: “Look, kid, all we DO around here is munch each other’s bright red carpets. I hope homosexuality doesn’t bug ya.”

>>Well, that certainly explained a few things.

Rauru: Such as their propensity to enjoy pounding big, sturdy nails into the firm but yielding wood...

DED: Their love of balling up their fists around the saw handle and sawing back and forth, in and out and in and out and in and out...

>>“We’d be more than happy to let them return to their boss if you lend us our services.”

Link: “If I...uh...lend you...YOUR services, ma’am?”


>>the beautiful woman cooed, fluttering her lashes at him.

DED: “Well, I...think I understand your innuendo, but it wasn’t very well executed.”

>>“Sure.” he managed to respond

Link: I guess I can inseminate your whole race, I guess.

>>around the lump that suddenly appeared in his

Rauru: Pants.

>>throat.  Who was he to turn down a cry for help?

Zelda: I mean, theoretically, if he turns them down he’s committing genocide.


DED: Ah-HUH. Good scene transition.

>>Torches and braziers

Link: And brassieres!

>>blazed all about the spacious chamber, chasing away the shadows.  

DED: Technically, the light is chasing away the darkness, and actually CAUSING the shadows. But go on.

Rauru: I hate you so much, Dave.

>>Soft downy pillows covered the ground, turning the floor into one giant couch.  

Zelda: They really spruced up his prison cell.

>>He could see feminine shapes lurking behind the sheer curtains that were draped through the room

DED: Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool, farewell! I took thee for thy better.

Zelda: O, what a rash and bloody deed is this!

Rauru: Hey, hey, that’s two Shakespeare references already Dave, you’re out of control!

DED: But...but the curtains, and...

Rauru: I don’t wanna hear it! And you, Zelda. Following up with the Gertrude quote. I’m very...

Zelda: Hey man, not my fault for being highbrow, you can kiss my Triforce.

Link: Wait...Why are we acting like Rauru is our bo—

Rauru: —Now if we’re DONE here, we can get back to the matter at hand: Eating.

DED: …

Rauru (chewing on an enormous kielbasa): Oyeh, an readinh faffic an makim funnit n stuff.

>>like a parody of the Lost Woods.  

DED: Ehh, if anything this is more like a sexy version of the Phantom Ganon fight.

>>Giggles drifted toward him on the heavily perfumed air

Link: Really? These savagely brutal warrior women are now...giggling in a cloud of perfume? I mean I can see it, but doesn’t it seem just a little out of character?

>>and set his blood on fire.  

DED: Oh my GOD, the perfume was actually a pyrohemiatic toxin!

Zelda: ...Is that...ACTUALLY a thing?

DED: Nah, nah, I just made up something smart-sounding..

Zelda: Oh.

DED: I’m really good at that, you know.

Zelda: I hate you.

DED: Man, haters gonna hate!

>>He was almost positive that the wine goblet he held was spiked with some sort of aphrodisiac

Link: “So why is there foam on the wine?”

Rauru: “Uhh, it’s, uhh, Gerudo beer-wine. It’s wine that’s like, y’know, beer.”

Link: “So why is it bubbling so violently?”

Rauru: “Haven’t you ever heard of sparkling, uh, beer-wine? Just drink it, c’mon.”

Link: “But there’s a lot of sediment and it smells really...”


>>but he really couldn’t bring himself to care at the moment.  

DED: Funny, I know exactly how he feels.

>>Not when there were a dozen or so amorous Gerudo looking to utilize his ‘services’.

Link: Well, I specialize in princess-saving, tyrant-defeating, and world-preserving. I can also cut grass with my sword and stuff, so there’s, you know, lawn care. Though I guess for the Gerudo that’s a non-issue.

>>The thought alone stirred his loins.  

Zelda: Also it gave him a boner.

>>One shyly ventured forward wearing the skimpiest clothing he had ever seen.  

Rauru: ...None whatsoever!

>>It was little more than strips of gauze which did absolutely nothing to conceal her femininity.  

DED: ‘Cause she’s a dude.

Link: Hey, I’ve been thinking deep thoughts lately, and...

Zelda: THIS will be good.

Link: I wondered, ideologically, is there a difference between a shemale and a dude with breasts?

Rauru: Well, sure, I mean the former would be named summin’ like “Wanda Suxx” while the latter would just be, uh, “Steve with gynecomastia.”

>>She hesitantly knelt next to him

Zelda: Don’t dawdle TOO long, the fate of your race is at stake here.

DED: And you better hope you douched with Miracle Gro because your womb better be fertile as SHIT. I'm talkin' ten, twenty babies just to break even this month, here.

>>and placed an unsure hand on his chest.  

Link: Are they really going to be hesitant and coquettish about this? Not to complain, or to draw comparisons with previous stories, but I’m basically getting raped here, again.

Rauru: This time is technically more like extortion.

DED: Scarcely more so than in the last story, where Midna more or less threatened to not help save millions of lives if Wolf Link didn’t plow her weird little cooter. Being forced to fertilize the Gerudo race is an act of altruism compared to...pretty much anything Midna has ever done to you, really.

Link: You make an excellent point.

>>He returned the gesture by gently brushing her arm in an encouraging manner.  

Rauru: Yeah, yeah, keep it up. Or don’t. Whatever.

>>Slowly, her hands explored the scarred planes of his abdomen,

DED: Rusted and bullet-riddled F-117 Nighthawks, shrapnel and scorched earth from where MiGs plowed into the hillsides—the scars of the Kosovo conflict are still visible in rugged badlands just outside Link’s left nipple...

Zelda: Can it.

>>clearly enraptured with his male form as much as he was intrigued by her female one.  

Link: Man, boys and girls are different...

>>A second cautiously joined them,

Rauru: Their caution is well-advised. You never know if this chained-up naked man might turn on ya.

>>soon followed by a third.  It wasn’t long before all the girls were jostling to get just a feel.

DED: Uh, that’s not actually how you make babies. I wonder if anyone involved in this little shindig actually knows what they’re doing.

>>Link wasn’t sure how, he was a little distracted by strange petting session that had gripped the group,

Link: As are we. What the hell is going on over there?

>>but his hands had somehow found their way to the softest mounds of flesh he had ever felt.  

Rauru: “HEY! Hands off our steaks, we’re aging them.”

>>His hands tightened slightly,

Zelda: ...What does that even MEAN?!

>>thumbs brushing against taught nipple, causing two girls in the group to arch into his touch.  

DED: He’s got both hands groping two different girls’ boobs? Wow, this IS wild.

Link: It’s something of a clusterfuck.

Zelda: Uh, yes, it is literally exactly that.

>>A third by his head

Rauru: A third WHAT? A third boob? A third nipple? A third baseman, WHAT?

>>carefully leaned down and kissed him.  

Link: I tell ya, kissing’s a delicate operation, like defusing a bomb.

Zelda: No it isn’t. You’re just spectacularly terrible at it.

Link: I mean you lick a girl on the eyebrow just ONCE by mistake, and BAM! Ya cut the wrong wire and the bomb goes off and your balls are bluer than Ruto’s nasty twat.

>>Teeth grazed at lips.

Rauru: Is this a New York Times headline?

DED: “For Captured Hero, A Better-Than-Expected Outcome”

>>Toungs darted out like snakes entangled in an erotic dance.  

Zelda: Hold on, are we talking about, like, fifteen-foot Burmese pythons here? Because that’s more of a horriscarifying dance.

>>All the air left him in a whoosh

Rauru: We never shoulda put the sex lounge in the airlooooooooooooooooooooooooock!

>>as something hot and wet descended onto his now aching length.  

Link: I...see. “Something.” Well, uh, hope for the best...

>>He tried to lift his head to see what was going on with his lower half

DED: ...but I thiiiiiiiiiiink he can probably guess.

>>but the Gerudo kissing him held him down as she brought her own throbbing need into his view.  

Link: I hate it when girls always come to me with their needs and their hangups, maaaaaaan.

>>She was wet,

Zelda: It must be hard to shower in the desert.

>>folds glistening in the torchlight with her need,

DED: Okay, okay, let’s parse this metaphor. It’s saying that her natural labial lubricant is symbolically representative of her desire to have sex with Link. Right?

Zelda: Right.

Link: ...what do most of those words mean?

DED: Which is referred to here as “need.” Although like I just said it’s a DESIRE and not strictly a need but let’s gloss over that. Isn’t saying, in essence, that her body’s reproductive anatomy is correctly reacting to environmental concerns...a bit redundant?

Rauru: Do you realize that you’re speaking to no one’s benefit but your own, and to the detriment of everyone else?

DED: I mean come on. “Folds glistening in the torchlight with her need (to have sex).” “Leg muscles contracting with her need (to walk to the can).” “Heart beating with her need (to circulate her blood).”

Link: I really, really hate you Dave.

DED: Man, that’s all three of them today sayin’ they hate me. Wonder what that’s about.

>>and the musky smell of it ignited something fierce in his blood.  

Zelda: Yes, the primordial instinct to come up with excuses to avoid cunnilingus.

Link: Oh I...uh...I can’t tonight babe, I just got finished licking up a bowl of powdered glass and my mouth is filling with blood.

Zelda: But I wasn’t even asking for cunnilingus, honey.

Link: What? I know, I was just letting you know about how I might start drowning on my own blood pretty soo...

Zelda: Oh, that’s nice dear.

>>The swordsman acted on instinct and nuzzled his nose into her fiery pubic hair to get a better sniff,

Rauru: I’m...not familiar with that particular instinct.

DED: I find it helpful at times like these to remind myself that our true enemy is Instinct. Instinct was our mother when we were an infant species. Instinct coddled us and kept us safe in those hardscrabble years when we hardened our sticks and cooked our first meals above a meager fire and started at the shadows that leapt upon the cavern's walls. But inseparable from Instinct is its dark twin, Superstition.

>>electing an encouraging groan from the woman.  

Link: Four more years! Groan for President!

>>With both hands busy,

Zelda: Well, not with anything important, but...

Link: You kiddin’? There can BE no higher purpose!

>>he used his mouth to explore the dripping oasis right in front of his face.  

Rauru: What is he, an infant? Who uses their mouth to explore things?

Zelda: I find that position somewhat odd, coming from you.

>>To his surprise, it didn’t really taste like anything at all but

DED: ...cunt?

>>was as smooth and soft as silk, making the whole experience rather enjoyable.

Link: I mean, licking soft tasteless things is so INHERENTLY enjoyable!

>>Suddenly, the woman got off

Rauru: Wasn’t that...the point?

>>to allow one of her sisters to mount him.  

Zelda: Didn’t know they were into taxidermy.

>>Link threw his head back as she slowly lowered herself onto his arousal.  His body caught fire

Link: Having sex: Great! Being on fire: Horrifically painful.

Zelda: Speaking from experience, naturally.

Link: Uh, yeah, those Fire Keese were little flying bastards all right.

DED: Why do authors seem to get them confused so often?

>>and no matter how much he gasped, his lungs were starved for air.  

Rauru: ...They ARE having sex in the airlock! That was a TERRIBLE idea!

DED: Wait, wait, not necessarily. They COULD still be on the bridge but there may be a hull breach.

>>He was dying in the most pleasurable way possible.  

Link: Surrounded by his friends and loved ones at an old age having lived a rich and fulfilling life?

Zelda: Uh, no, raped to death by redheads.

>>It all coalesced into a crescendo that made the world drop away and left him hovering in the blissful abyss.  

DED: Death’ll do that to ya.

>>An eternity later, he came back to life to find

Rauru: That he’d only been dead for three days and they’d put him in a cave for some reason.

>>the woman had rolled off him and had collapsed into a heap on the floor next to him,

Link: So now SHE’S dead? People are dropping like flies!

>>leaving the swordsman free for the others to enjoy.  

DED: If there are gym patrons waiting to use the equipment, please limit your workout to twenty minutes.

Rauru: Uh, you certainly don’t have to tell ME to not work out for twenty minutes.

>>And there didn't seem to be an end to the sweet torture in sight.  

Zelda: Oh, that’s great. GREAT! Twenty Gerudo having sex with Link one by one and we get to hear about it in excruciating detail. No, that’s fine, my will to live is doing great, just keep going.

>>But then again, why would he object.  

DED: Doesn’t he have any dignity? Self-worth? I mean come on, even venereal disease would ruin his quest and possibly doom everyone.

>>The night was long and sultry.  

Rauru: As I’m suuuuuuuure you’ll tell us all about.

>>When morning finally arrived,

DED: Oh yeah and...wait WHAT?!?

>>he stumbled out into the blinding light with his sword and shield slung over his back,

Link: Hold up, hold up, is this a fantasy that I’m having? Is that what I’m thinking in my head to get me through this terrible ordeal?

>>feeling somehow refreshed despite the fact that he got no rest.  

Zelda: Oh I get it, he’s dead. Remember, they said he was dying in the most pleasant way possible. So he’s dead and he’s striding forth into the afterlife.

Rauru: I think you’ve got it. He died and everything after a certain point is just his final hallucinatory moments of consciousness.

>>Navi swooped down on him seemingly out of nowhere, relieved that her partner was alright.  

Link: Oh, great, Navi’s here too. Some afterlife.

DED: Well think of it it this way: that means she’s dead. A sacrifice on your part, perhaps, but at least the world of the living is free of her forever.

>>He proceeded to tell her how he had escaped from his cell

Zelda: Wait what the FUCK?! He escaped from a gang of Gerudo women during their orgy?!

Link: Tactically speaking that’s not a half-bad idea, honestly.

>>with a little help from his Hookshot that the guards had apparently thought was a toy,

DED: Uh, even so, prisoners usually aren’t allowed to HAVE toys.

Rauru: Maybe that’s what’s been missing from the penal system all along.

>>rescued the carpenters, and earned the Gerudo's respect in doing it so stealthily...

Zelda: Guys, wait, I don’t think the protagonist’s dead or any of that bullshit. I think...I think it was...

DED: honest-to-God jump-cut past the sex.

All: *stunned silence*

Zelda: This is...

Link: Incredible!

DED: Think of all the time we’re saved!

Rauru: All the bacon I can fry!

Zelda: All the peasants I can oppress!

Link: All the dangerous household implements I can meddle with!

All: Why doesn’t every story do this?

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