In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space
We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:
Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “#selfiegeneration!”
Zelda! “Oderint dum metuant!”
Link! “Why can’t Metroid crawl?”
If you don’t get how he stays alive
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!
“Puppetmaster” by Irascible
>>Zelda drummed her fingers anxiously on the marble handrail of her balcony.
Link: Come on, what do you have to be anxious about?
Zelda: Um, assassins? Coups? Armed peasant uprisings? Being responsible for the wellbeing of millions?
DED: Yeah but like, the other day, I placed an order for a pizza and I forgot to tell them that the buzzer for my apartment doesn’t work so I couldn’t buzz them into the building and I hoped that they would call my cell when they arrived but I just couldn’t know, and there was PIZZA on the line! Can you truly say you have anxiety like that in your life?
Zelda: ...No, I can honestly say I do not.
>>Her eyes scanned the horizon, struggling to see through the twilight gloom that enveloped her castle.
Rauru: Or maybe it was that sixth Jaeger bomb causing the vision difficulties.
Zelda: Oh har dee har har. Starting early, aren’t we?
Rauru: ...Aren’t you?
Zelda (holding uncapped, half-empty bottle of tequila): I have no idea what you’re talking about. *swigs*
>>She could barely see the town that lay so far below,
DED: Here I am again in this Hyrule town, and you’re so far away from me. And where are you, when the sun goes down? You’re so far away from me. You’re so far away from me...so far, I just can’t see...
>>though she knew that there was a hero somewhere out there…
DED: She needs a hero! She’s holding out for a he—no, I can’t do that twice in a row.
Zelda: Thank you.
>>She could feel the yawning size of the throne room behind her,
Link: But how can the size of the room be bored?
>>though she could barely convince herself to look at it.
Zelda: Maybe because I’m freaking sick of hanging out in there, governing?
Rauru: No, I mean, why would she need to randomly look at it right now, anyway?
>>She had been trapped in here, this massive, cold, empty marble hall at the top of the castle, just waiting,
DED: Just waiting?
Link: And drinking.
Zelda: The one is pretty much concomitant to the other.
>>unable to do anything for her kingdom against the twilight invaders.
Rauru: Once they’ve actually successfully invaded, they aren’t invaders any more, right? They’re just occupiers, or conquerors or squatters or whatever.
Zelda: Well they’re like...the invader label persists after they’re done invading...?
>>At least she had kept her sword,
Link: There is no time, it is enough!
>>and she absent mindedly flexed her hand against the handle, tapping the tip on the stone floor rythmically.
>>If only there was an enemy to fight, she thought, it would be better than all this damn waiting…
Zelda: Ahhahaha, ah ha, ha, ha, yeah, no.
Rauru: You’re not even a little interested in fighting?
Zelda: Why should I go out to fight? I leave that role to the poor.
>>Zelda, like her sword, was thin and hard.
Link: And blended with carbon to increase her hardness, but then repeatedly quenched and reheated to avoid making her too brittle, and with a fuller down the length of her body to reduce her weight while maintaining her length.
>>She was young, a product of a keen royal upbringing,
Rauru: A neat-o keen upbringing! Gee willikers!
>>her body honed by sword practise and vigorous exercise.
DED: “Practise” spelled British, “vigorous” spelled American. Odd.
>>Her features were sharp,
Zelda: Thanks to TwiPri HD.
DED: God, yeah, looking at side-by-side footage with the original, the original is like having fucking cataracts.
>>large eyes under heavy eyelids that gave her a sultry look.
Link: “Heavy eyelids” is more of a, I dunno, sleepy look.
>>Her neck was long and slim,
Rauru: *ascending slide whistle noise*
>>sharp collarbones covered by the decorative gold armour
DED: That crap must weigh like 40 pounds.
Zelda: Yeah but like, at what point in all of history has aristocratic fashion ever been practical?
>>strung over her chest and shoulders.
Link: Chafing like a motherfucker.
Zelda: Like you would know...
Link: Bitch I had to wear boots made of iron for hours on end.
>>Her breasts were small and tight,
Zelda: ...What’s that supposed to mean?
Link: Well “small” means the opposite of big, so unfortunately it’s saying that your titties are—
Zelda: No you imbecile, what does it mean to have “tight breasts?”
Rauru: Not sure, but it’s got to be better than having loose breasts.
DED: Like you?
Rauru: Shut up.
>>wrapped in a purple dress above her toned stomach and slim hips.
Zelda: Maybe I’m so skinny because there’s no food in the shadowfied castle.
>>Her oak brown hair hung down her back to just above the hem of her skirt,
Zelda: Um, I habitually wear a floor-length gown. Did my hair get preposterously long, or did my skirt get preposterously short?
DED: Take a wild guess.
Link: Well, this is new, Zelda gallivanting around in the twilight dressed like fucking Tifa Lockheart crossed with Sailor Moon.
DED: Either that or the author doesn’t know what a hem is, but what are the odds of that?
>>which clung to the tight cheeks of her butt and long, slender legs.
Rauru: Uh, why?
Zelda: Static electricity?
DED: The gravitic forces of dat ass?
>>Not that it mattered,
Link: Not that ANY OF THIS MATTERS!
Rauru: Yeah, it’s like, let’s spend a paragraph describing what we all already know Zelda looks like, but make particular mention of the state of her tits and ass.
DED: Well, yeah, you gotta let the audience know whether you’re sticking to canon cup sizes or just going hog with ‘em.
Zelda: Never, ever use the phrase “going hog” in relation to my breasts ever again.
>>she had been kept in the castle for years,
Zelda: Years? We lost the war with the twilight guys and they just sat around imprisoning me and squatting in the countryside for years?
Link: The first thing I’m supposed to do in TwiPri is deliver a sword to the palace, and it’s a surprise that it got taken over by shadow monsters. Now I know news is slow to reach us country bumpkins in Ordon Province, but, really, years?
DED: To be fair, what the author might mean here is that even before the twilight, Zelda was kept in the castle by virtue of being, y’know, important royalty who can’t just wander off.
Zelda: Oh, right. I forget sometimes that I’m supposed to be trapped in a prison of opulent decadence, instead of trapped in a prison of upsetting stories about me being raped.
Rauru: Yeah, you know, I guess I never stopped to say this but I admire the emotional resilience you show dealing with all th—
Zelda: *chugs tequila* I DON’T NEED YOUR DAMN PITY I JUST NEED MY FUCKING BOOZE.
Rauru: —I’m just saying it’s unfair that so many stories are about you specifically and I can see how that would—
Zelda: THIS CONVERSATION IS INTERFERING WITH MY INCIPIENT DRUNKENNESS AND THAT NEEDS TO CHANGE NOW.
>>hidden from the view of anyone who might appreciate her beauty.
Link: Oh come now, I bet those shambling tentacle beasts with dinner plates for faces think you’re pretty.
>>She bit her lip in frustration.
DED: Bit it cleeeeeeeeeeean off.
>>She was done with pacing,
Rauru: Oh, so soon?
Zelda: I know, wow, this story is racing through these vital plot events at breakneck speed!
>>her legs hurt from the hours spent going in a circle
Link: Um, what?
Rauru: Maybe one of her legs is slightly shorter than the other.
>>since the twilight barrier around the castle had deepened.
DED: Oh yeah, totally, I know just what that’s like. Every time twilight deepens, I too am irresistibly compelled to walk in circles. Every twenty-four hours, just like clockwork. Yup.
>>If only there was anything she could do, but the alien power dampened her own magic considerably,
Zelda: And as every mage knows, you can’t do magic if you’re too damp.
DED: So the Wicked Witch of the West...
Zelda: An extreme case, to be sure, but illustrative.
>>and her keen mind had nothing to work on…
Link: What about, I don’t know, escaping? She could work on that.
>>There was a chittering sound behind her and she swung round, heart hammering.
Rauru: Huh, usually Zelda isn’t doing the hammering so much as getting hammered.
Zelda (gesticulating wildly with half-empty tequila bottle): Yeahwell RAURU ‘susually the one who can SUCK M’FUCKIN’ DICK!
Rauru: But you don’t—
Zelda: I DO TOO HAVE A DICK ‘S CALLED “LESE MAJESTE” AN’ IMMA SLAP YER MOUTH SIDEWAYS WIDDIT SWEAR’A FUCKIN GOD
>>One of the twilight clouds was growing around the throne,
DED: 80% chance of eldritch rains, clearing up over the weekend, unless all of time and space is devoured by the Implacable Void.
>>weird shapes moving erratically and glowing strange colours as they converged on her empty throne,
Link: Laserium, featuring the music of Pink Floyd.
>>then with a rush they flew inwards and she made out a dark figure sitting casually on the plush seat.
Zelda: Oh shit, it’s Dad, I thought he was still off at the country club, hide the weed!
>>The figure was huge, an imposing man with dark skin and fiery hair wrapped in dark cloaks,
Rauru: He wrapped his hair in dark cloaks?
>>and her eyes grew wide as she remembered her history lessons.
Link: Or maybe she just remembered seeing his picture in the dictionary under “Asshole.”
Zelda: Yeah, those history lessons: “And so, in their wisdom, the Sages banished the wicked thief to the Twilight Realm, and then didn’t tell anybody and forgot about it and allowed the banishment mechanism to fall into disrepair. This will in no way come back to haunt us, no siree bob.”
DED: CRANK DAT SOULJA BOY
Rauru: “Heeeeere’s Dorfy!”
>>The man smiled and heaved himself to his feet with powerful arms.
Zelda: No, really, please, don’t get up. I’ll be along to kill you shortly.
>>He stood tall, his height was imposing even at the distance between them, and his lips cracked in a grin.
Link: He needs some Chapstick. Especially as he lives in the desert.
>>'You're behind all... this?' She gestured at the amber clouds behind her.
Rauru: “No, I’m in here. It’s behind you. Try and keep up.”
>>'You're the power the Twili are using.... no, you're just using them aren't you?'
Zelda: “I mean obviously one of you is fucking over the other, that’s how these things work. Trust me, I know.”
>>Ganondorf's grin never faltered as he drew a small twilight mask from under his cloak.
DED: Well, naturally.
Link: I love a good logical narrative flow.
Zelda: Okay, coming from YOU, that’s—
Link: ...and for that matter, how COULD she be “riding six white horses when she comes?” Two I could see, MAYBE three at the most, but SIX? Now that’s just...
Rauru: I did so miss his witty badinage.
>>What of it? They are a pitiful race, they would do anything to be rid of their queen
Link: I completely understand.
>>and I simply.... helped them out.'
Rauru: “Just thought you ought to know. Okay, bye!”
>>Without any apparent effort, he crushed the stone mask to dust.
DED: Man, that was some subtle yet powerful symbolism.
Zelda: But what really makes it work is how seamlessly it was integrated into the narrative.
>>'But it was all a means to an end,
Rauru: “That’s right: buying up cheap Twilight property and refurbishing it into luxury condominiums. Ha!”
>>and, well,' He spread his thick arms contemptuously to take in the throne around him. 'Here I am.'
DED: “Rocked you like a hurricane.”
>>His voice was a deep rumble that shook her chest even from thirty feet away,
Link: Oops, no, wait, I confused Ganondorf for an 800-watt Yamaha DSX 18” powered subwoofer.
Rauru: Common mistake.
>>but she felt more anger than fear and her pent up energy from sitting around exploded at once.
Zelda: Yes, my vast accumulation of boredom will be converted directly to energy and obliterate everything for miles around.
>>She threw an arm out to cast a bolt of light at this monster from history even as she broke into a run,
DED: “Monster from history” is maybe a little harsh. He’s more like “Annoying prick who caused some trouble, got arrested, killed one floating mask guy, then got sucked into the void and forgotten about.”
Link: Ganondorf in TwiPri is literally a monster in human skin, though. Like, a giant pigmonster that I had to kill.
DED: Oh, right. Well, carry on then.
>>her sword raising, her bare feet flapping on the stone as she had long discarded the high heels of her rank.
Zelda: HOLD on, I’m no longer standing on ceremony by wearing SHOES, but I’m still wearing SOLID GOLD PAULDRONS?!
Link: As far as combat effectiveness goes, that’s probably the right choice. But if it were me, imprisoned all alone, pants would be the first thing to go.
Zelda: Neither of us wear pants.
>>Ganondorf barely raised an eyebrow as he lazily flicked her bolt of magic aside
Rauru: I approve of this method.
>>to explode on the stone behind him, then simply stood as she rushed towards him.
DED: I guess being trapped in the shadow realm for a bazillion years has left him all tuckered out.
Link: He was trapped in the same dimension as Midna for a bazillion years, I can’t believe he didn’t chew through his own wrists.
>>She drew nearer,
Zelda: ...As implied by the whole running-towards thing.
>>pushing her legs harder,
Rauru: Push it to the limit!
All: THE LIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!
>>not really registering how he towered over her,
DED: Because of...brain damage?
>>simply pulling her arm back to swing the steel at the shape in front of her.
Link: Well, now, speaking as a master swordsman, there’s a little more to it than that...
Zelda: Such as?
Link: What to yell, for instance. That’s very important.
>>Ganondorf stepped forward suddenly,
Rauru: “Wait, actually, I *gakkkllgg*”
>>his hand clamping around her wrist as she swung
Zelda: Oh, right, “don't let them grab your arm,” I just remembered that from fencing class.
DED: Well, in all seriousness, credit for trying.
>>and her whole body jarred as her arm felt like it had hit a wall.
Link: He put her whole body in a jar?!?
>>She swung around, her breath knocked out of her, and his right hand came up to clamp around her thin neck.
Rauru: Welp, that backfired pretty much immediately.
>>Her gasp was cut off as his thick hand squeezed gently,
DED: This escalated quickly.
Zelda: Yeah, really: “Hey it's you!” “Yeah, me!” “You fucked up the Twili!” “Sure did!” “STABBING TIME!” “I’MA CHOKE A BITCH!”
>>his fingers easily touching behind her neck.
Link: Oh, sure.
>>She gritted her teeth and jerked her arm away from him,
Rauru: For...some reason.
>>but his grip was like iron and she could barely move.
DED: So he’s using one arm to hold Zelda’s sword arm, and one arm to hold her neck, right?
Link: That seems to be the case, yes.
DED: So why doesn’t Zelda just reach over with her free hand, grab the sword out of the hand that Ganondorf is immobilizing, and stab him with it?
Zelda: But I’m not an ambi-stabber!
DED: Then just kick him in the dick! Cripes, it’s no wonder you get kidnapped once or twice every console generation.
>>She tried to snarl but his grip tightened and she battered weakly at his arm
Rauru: Oh well, it wasn’t that great of a plan in the first place.
>>as her feet gently left the ground. Her toes waved wildly to scrape the ground
Link: What would THAT accomplish?
>>and her anger began to turn to fear…
Zelda: “Oh GOD, did I remember to turn off the bathtub?”
>>Ganondorf gave her a slow look as her delicately gloved hand clawed at his muscular arm, ignoring it completely.
DED: Her hand was clawing his arm, but also ignoring it completely.
>>He pulled her head slowly towards him and revelled in the feeling of her throat pulsing in his hand
Rauru: I’m sure he’s very familiar with the feeling of having a warm cylinder of flesh pulsing in his hand.
>>as she struggled to breath,
DED: GADZOOKS AND THUNDERATION THERE SHOULD BE AN “E” THERE BY JOVE
>>and he saw the fear in her eyes.
Link: But she cleverly managed to hide the fear in her nose.
>>Then he smiled gently,
Rauru: “I’m glad we had this talk.”
>>twilight magic swirled around him and rolled in thick smoke around his arm,
DED: 420 blaze it, play Twilight Princess on the Wii erryday.
>>and Zelda's eyes darted down as she felt a tingling in her skin where he held her.
Zelda: Side effects of choking may include minor redness and irritation.
Rauru: Seek emergency medical help for an erection lasting longer than four hours.
>>Her eyes darted around frantically
Zelda: Ha HA! He wasn’t counting on my detachable eyes!
>>as tiny twili symbols spread from under his grip and crawled across her skin,
DED: Which is logical, since the Twilight alphabet is made of bugs.
>>forming and whirling and jerking
Link: And popping and locking and krumping and twerking furiously!
>>in geometric shapes as they spread out across her face,
Zelda: Ugh, this is just like when I got those tacky tribal henna tattoos on Spring Break.
>>and as they spread her skin grew paler, her breathing calmed…
Rauru: Ohhh, it's just an ancient mystical Xanax spell.
>>Ganondorf relaxed his grip
DED: “Oohh, if it wasn’t for my arthritis...”
>> and set her gently on the floor, and her mind reeled in surprise. Why had he let her go?
Rauru: Why?! Why couldn’t he have just choked her to death?! We could be done by now!
DED: Unless the story then went to a really dark place.
Zelda: Gotta keep that T for Teen rating.
>>Ignoring the crackling jolts spreading across her body,
Link: The crackling jorts spreading across her body?
Zelda: Jolts, you idiot.
Link: Yeah but, like, would it kill you to wear a nice pair of crackling jorts sometime, babe?
Zelda: Sure, as soon as you wear that leather gimp mask I got you last Christmas.
Link: Moving swiftly on...
>>she raised her sword again-
DED: Again minus? Minus what?
>>She blinked. She raised her sword again-
Link: ...And then you say DOC-TAAAAAAAHH!
>>What was happening?
Zelda: The usual pre-boning tedium?
>>Her arm hung loosely by her side, gently holding her sword without a care in the world,
Rauru: I didn’t think arms, specifically, have the capability to care about things.
>>and with a lurch of horror she found she couldn't turn her head to look at it.
DED: Wow, he choked the knowledge of how to do that right out of her head, like a tube of toothpaste.
>>Her eyes darted around jerkily,
Link: Like jerks.
>>and she realised they were all she could move as panic started to take over her.
Zelda: Any time panic starts to take over me?
>>Except it didn't,
DED: Well then why did y—
>>her breathing was calm and even,
DED: So in what sense is sh—
>>and her mind could only panic inside itself as it felt the crackling crawling spread across her skin,
Rauru: I’d rather have Cracklin’ Oat Bran spread across my skin.
Link: Gross. Is that a fetish or something?
Rauru: ...No, I’d just rather be covered in oats than in hostile magic.
Rauru: Also, food reference, eating, gorging, feasting, &c.
>>as if tiny bugs were roaming all over her and leaving firey footprints down her arms,
Link: So I guess Ganondorf coated his hand with LSD and she absorbed it through her skin.
>>spiralling on her stomach, crawling down between her legs...
Zelda: Oh great, raped by imaginary fire-bugs.
>>Ganondorf was looking at her with interest
DED: 2.9% APR for 36 months.
>>as her eyes widened in a calm face, and the geometric patterns the Twili loved so much
Link: Oh yeah, those shambling tentacle beasts with dinner plates for faces also love geometry. They’re all about that.
>>spread across her skin. He began to pace very slowly around her.
Rauru: I heartily approve of Ganondorf’s style of low-impact villainy.
>>'You know as well as I do, Princess,
Zelda: I would say I know quite a bit better than him. It’s sorta, y’know, my thing.
>>that the body is nothing but a weak servant of the mind...
Link: Well maybe your body is a weak servant.
>>it is the mind that directs, controls, sometimes argues...'
DED: “Occasionally pontificates, periodically wheedles, every now and then gives you a boner in front of the whole classroom...”
>>He ran a rough hand gently around the back of her neck, enjoying her silky hair.
Rauru: “Mmmmm, yessss, what product do you use? I must have it! My hair must be this glossy and luxurious!”
>>'But the body is always at the service of the mind.
DED: “Unless you’re asleep or something. Or paralyzed, or being tased. You know what, never mind. Point is...”
>>I'm afraid yours, though, is no longer your own. Your body is mine to control.'
Zelda: Yeah because the power of Ganondorf’s MIND is so amazingly strong that it can overcome ME, the one with the Triforce of Wisdom. Right, sure.
>>At that rumbling statement
Link: Huh, the author misspelled “rambling.”
DED: “Yes, the body is like a robot, like a puppet, like a robot puppet, dancing on its strings, the strings of destiny, stretched across the fretboard of the guitar of fate, which will play the chord of...what were we talking about again?”
>>Zelda dropped her sword with a clang
Rauru: ...she made a clang?
>>and her hands rushed to her own throat, her eyes widened as she felt her own silk coated hands
Zelda: Damn, and I had just finished spinning my web...
>>start to squeeze…
DED: I’ll point out here that it’s impossible to choke yourself to death with your bare hands because you’ll just pass out and let go.
>>She didn't notice the big fingers gently run along her ass,
Link: And you know what they say about men with big fingers...
Link: They say, “Dang, that dude has freakishly big fingers! I wonder if he’s got some kind of disease!”
Zelda: “Now THERE’S a man who has trouble buying rings!”
Rauru: “Even if he had an enormous penis, it would not counteract the revulsion I feel at his disgusting, bloated sausage fingers!”
>>her vision darkened for the second time, and she was just stood still calmly awaiting it…
DED: I am just stand still in awe of this grammar mistake.
>>'But no, what a terrible waste that would be.'
Rauru: “I've got quite a different terrible waste in mind, you see…”
>>He made a gesture
Link: *holds forearm vertical, slaps bicep*
>>and she released the pressure on her own throat.
DED: But now how will she ever get her lazy slacker throat to get up off the couch and get a job?!
Zelda: You have to be firm but gentle.
>>Her mind fought for clarity as her body breathed normally though starved of air.
Rauru: That’s the only kind of starved I’ll ever be. Like if I forget to breathe for too long while continuously eating. It happens.
DED: Does he have to, like, manually beat her heart and make her breathe? Does he have to make her hair and nails grow a tiny bit every second? Does he have to instruct her kidneys to keep making pee? It seems like there might be a lot of micromanagement involved.
>>she could feel everything,
Link: I KNOOOOOW EVERYTHING! I FEEEEL EVERYTHING!
>>she was as much a presence in herself as she always was, but only her eyes obeyed her brain,
Zelda: Well, it’s not like I don’t know how to crush a rebellion.
>>it was like living inside a puppet that she could feel,
Link: Isn’t that...kind of like...what it’s like to be alive, all the time? When it’s your mind that’s controlling your meat puppet body?
>>and she screamed silently inside herself.
Zelda: Many, many times a day.
DED: How do you make the screaming stop?
Zelda: *pours a shot*
DED: ...Oh, right. Duh.
>>Ganondorf circled back in front of her, shamelessly roving her young body with his merciless eyes.
Rauru: He really should feel some shame about this. Come on, man.
Link: He was stuck in a dimension with no regular-looking women for eons, cut him some slack.
Zelda: Um, NO, I’m finding myself unable to do that right now.
>>A huge hand reached out to gently brush her chest...
Link: Wallmaster! Fuck!
>>then he dropped it and barked a laugh. 'No! It will be more fun if you do it!'
DED: “Yes, ha ha, watching someone touch a boob is so much more fun than touching it myself,” said no male ever.
Rauru: I think Ganondorf might be gay and just going through the motions here.
>>His hand flexed like a puppeteer
DED: You know, in that unforgettable and iconic way that puppeteers flex their hands, that we all know so well.
>>and to Zelda's horror she felt her body relax into a casual stance,
Zelda: Oh God, no! Not...sassy posture!
>>her hands came to her neck
Link: Not this again.
>>and despite her best efforts to wrench them away she gently undid the clasp of her armour necklace
Rauru: ...“armour necklace.”
DED: It's just a shame she couldn't swing her stabbing baton right into his baby orbs, or she wouldn’t have had to take off her armour necklace in the initial location.
Zelda: I've said it before, they're called pauldrons. Look, author, you're almost certainly a nerd, didn't you ever equip a character in World of Warcraft?
>>and dragged it off her body to leave her chest and shoulders bare.
Link: Thus completing Part One of the thirty-seven-part process that is undressing a noblewoman in formal clothes.
Zelda: Oh sure, you get to complain about that.
>>It dropped in a clinking pile on the marble
Rauru: This story has been a real racket so far, what with all the heavy metal objects being dropped on the stone floor and Ganondorf talking.
>>as she felt a tongue lick her lips,
DED: “Yeah, your lips were getting dry, so I had to manually...hold on, crap, now your blood hormone levels are out of whack, gotta use your thyroid to...cripes, it never ends!”
>>her hands rolled down her chest and gripped her breasts in a way she had never done by herself,
Zelda: Only in public.
>>and she squeezed and groped at herself even as she thrashed around in her mind to stop it.
Link: Thrashing almost ALWAYS works. I thrash my mind around to do all my daily tasks.
>>Ganondorf towered in front of her.
Rauru: “You don’t mind if I tower over here real quick, do you? Thanks.”
>>'There's no use trying.
Link: “...This isn't doing ANYTHING for me. Damn, I thought I might be straight, but…”
>>I have complete... control'
DED: “And MAN is it hard work. Do you have any idea how many muscles I have to control just to get you to stand up straight? It’s like QWOP but with the whole damn keyboard!”
>>His hand twitched and she lurched against him,
Link: “Whoops! Sorry! Still getting the hang of this...”
Rauru: “All right, now to make her give me a blowjob...no, no, not blowing air, I meant...Hold on, where’s the user manual...”
>>her hand roving over his chest. He grinned at her eyes,
Zelda: My eyes are funny how? Are they funny like a clown, do they AMUSE you?!
>>the only part she had control of, as they grew wider and more terrified as she realised what was happening.
DED: She seems to be kiiiiiiinda slow on the uptake.
>>She tried to ignore what her hand was feeling as it sought the edge of the cloak, but it was her own hand, how could she?
Link: Hey man, it’s easy! I ignore what my limbs are doing all the time!
>>It found hard muscle under the dark shadows,
Rauru: Wasn’t that the tagline for a Twilight-themed gay porno?
>>and her mouth gasped in pleasure as she found he was naked under the heavy cloak.
Zelda: Man I wish this whole possession thing had completely failed, and he would look all surprised as I ran right up to him and stabbed him, and then he’d fall over bleeding to death all splayed and naked in his bathrobe with his junk hanging out, and I’d be like “Ahahahaha that was retardedly ambitious of you Dorf-o, better luck next time” and then I’d drop the sword like a rapper and spin around a full 360 degrees and moonwalk right out of the twilight.
DED: That would be a much better story, but then again, that’s not saying all that much.
>>'Whats wrong, Princess?
Zelda: “Oh, you know, what with one thing and the other...”
>>Let your body enjoy itself.'
Link: But I want ME to enjoy myself.
DED: Yeah, like, “Let your body enjoy itself, by following a rigorous diet and exercise regime so it functions smoothly!”
>>He spread his hands wide and she screamed mentally
Zelda: I’m TERRIFIED of people doing the YMCA!
>>as she felt the crackling on her skin converge between her thighs.
Link: On a point not actually attached to her body. Freaky!
>>She dropped to her knees, fully clothed,
Rauru: Oh, I see, I’m glad they clarified that, because I had assumed that the acceleration of her dropping to her knees would have ripped her clothes clean off her body.
>>as he casually pulled his cloak aside and exposed the thick, semi hard muscle hanging between his legs
DED: AAAAAAAANNNKKK, wrong, the penis contains no muscles! You cannot move it around like an elephant trunk no matter how much you want to.
>>almost to the knee.
Link: Maybe the author means the sartorius muscle?
Zelda: Dang dude, that’s like the most syllables in a word I’ve ever heard you say.
Link: Look, I may not always be talk good with my mouth-words, but you can bet your sweet ass I don’t skip leg day.
>>Zelda's mind cringed away and screamed, but her body licked its lips,
Rauru: Does that mean the tongue, of her body, licked the lips, of her body? Or did, like, her body lick its metaphorical lips, metaphorically?
>>her chest heaving and heart hammering like any eager young woman in this situation,
Zelda: Yes, literally any young woman would be thrilled to blow history’s greatest villain, we just can’t help ourselves.
>>and she tried to force her eyelids to close but they weren't hers to command and she had to watch, fearful,
DED: Why doesn’t she just look away? And I quote, “Her eyes darted around jerkily, and she realised they were all she could move.” Also, “He grinned at her eyes, the only part she had control of.”
Rauru: Maybe she doesn’t have that much control over her eyeballs, but couldn’t she just unfocus her eyes until it all turns into a blurry mess?
Link: This is already a blurry mess.
>>as her hands grasped him and pulled him closer, and she tried to pull away from the sensation of him entering her eager mouth.
Zelda: Much like the audience.
>>She pulled her gaze as high as she could but could still feel her lips wrapping around the thick, swelling shaft.
Rauru: Still, I bet the ceiling at the palace has a nice fresco she can look at.
Zelda: Yeah, but it depicts a mythological orgy scene, so it really isn’t much comfort.
Link: ...It DOES?! How did I never notice that?
>>Zelda had never sucked a dick before but her body wasn't under her control
DED: So in any reasonable sense, “Zelda” still hasn’t sucked a dick.
Link: This is basically Ganondorf sucking his own dick.
>>and was in full eagerness, rolling her tongue over rough skin, rocking her head forward to get as much of him into her mouth as possible,
DED: I wonder if, in order to puppeteer Zelda into giving him a high-quality blowjob, he had to study it intensely and practice for hours.
Link: “So hey man, you’re, like, Ganondorf, right? Like, the Ganondorf? Now I won’t go telling anyone that you’re blowing random dudes in back alleys on the down-low, but don’t you think—”
Rauru: “Look, I told you, it’s strictly for RESEARCH purposes! HETERO RESEARCH!”
>>and she gagged mentally at the taste of sweat
Zelda: And mind-puked all over the place and nearly brainshat her skull cavity.
>>as her tongue was pulled down to the base of his shaft and explored hungrily.
DED: Given that most explorers end up starving to death, assuming they aren’t killed by natives, that makes sense.
>>She was trapped in a nightmare,
Link: Oh no! What nightmare was it?
Link: Was it the one where a demon with the face of Guy Fieri is trying to bake you into a pie on some kind of satanic cooking show? Because I have that one all the time.
Link: Curse you, Ganondorf! This time you’ve gone too far!
>>she couldn't close her eyes, she couldn't look anywhere that didn't contain a new horror to her inexperienced mind,
Zelda: Not since I tried that one ritual from that book that was bound in silver chains.
>>she couldn't ignore anything that was happening
DED: Well, no, that’s not true, I’m sure there are tons of incidental things that are happening right now that she can’t help but ignore. In fact, she wishes she could not ignore those things, but she has to, because the horror of Ganondorf’s unwashed genitals is commanding her undivided attention, which is the whole conflict here, AS THEY’VE SAID MULTIPLE TIMES.
>>as it was her doing it, it was her trying to fit as much of him in her mouth as possible,
Rauru: Seriously, it’s literally Ganondorf doing that. Ganondorf is trying to fit as much of himself in her mouth as possible.
DED: No one’s ever exclaimed “Man, my Fleshlight is fucking the SHIT outta me!” as they whipped their arm vigorously back and forth.
Zelda: No, I’m sure lots of sad, delusional people like Ganondorf say that.
>>it was her gasping for breath as saliva dripped from her tongue, it was her that was growing warm and wet between her legs…
Link: It was her who drank the last of the coffee in the break room and didn’t make a fresh pot! It was her who cut that guy off on the turnpike because her attention drifted and she nearly missed her exit! It was her, in the Library, with the Candlestick!
>>She looked up pleadingly to meet his eyes,
DED: A thing she can do, despite being totally unable to look away from the horror of Ganondorf’s groin.
>>though the sentiment was lost by her face holding an expression of dumb ecstasy.
Zelda: “Dumb ecstasy” is a good summary of pretty much every story we’ve ever read.
>>She could feel the arousal naturally spreading through her body
Rauru: Yes, naturally spreading. Because if there’s one thing this story has done all along, it’s emphasize that everything that’s happening to Zelda is the result of natural causes.
Link: Yeah, I mean they mention practically every other sentence how naturally Zelda’s body is behaving.
>>and her mind shrieked uselessly against it
Zelda: Y’know, given that Ganondorf has this unbreakable mind-control power—and if it works on me, it would work on anyone—how was the Twilight invasion not even more successful than it was? Why didn’t he just appear out of a fart of twilight in the bedrooms of every political and military leader in the world, Kilgrave them, and have them drown themselves in their toilets? Why did he force the Twilight invasion to rely on dopey monsters plopping out of cosmic anuses in the sky?
Link: Hold on, speaking of him mind-controlling political leaders, why didn’t he just mind-control Midna, the legitimate ruler of the Twili, to carry out his nefarious schemes, or at least to make her not a gigantic bitch? Why did he even need to prop up that fruity pissant Zant in the first place?
Zelda: I mean, Link spotted these plot holes, and he’s retarded! I spotted them, and I’m off my tits on Don Julio! Which reminds me, *downs shot, licks salt off the side of her hand*
DED: Man, that one throwaway boss fight at the end of TwiPri has opened up a rat’s nest of seething inconsistency!
Link: I guess G-Dorf just felt like delegating this one to the cosmic anuses. Perhaps out of pity.
Rauru: Nah come on, Ganondorf would totally be an overbearing, micromanaging supervisor. I mean, he is the world’s greatest evil.
>>and she stared in wide eyed horror at the grinning face that looked down at her.
DED: This must be how actresses in clown fetish pornos feel.
>>She felt as though she was jerking her limbs against a straight jacket,
Zelda: Don’t want one-a them Godless homo jackets.
DED: Dude, I would kill for one of Freddie Mercury’s jackets.
>>and her mind against itself... Ganondorf saw the fear raw in her eyes and laughed again,
Rauru: “Muahaha, I’m going to parboil your raw fear and serve it with chanterelles and quinoa!”
>>a deep rumble that caused her out of control body
Zelda: *sigh* YEAH that’s been ESTABLISHED...
>>to paw at it's chest again.
Link: It IS chest again!
>>'What's the matter? Not enjoying yourself?'
DED: Not really.
Zelda: I mean telepathic rape is a novelty, sure, but at the end of the day it’s just another rape story.
>>He stepped back, withdrawing himself from her eager lips and she fell forwards onto all fours.
DED: “Oops, sorry, let my concentration slip and you fell over there. Let me just stand you back...oh. Oh dear, I’m just making it worse. Maybe if I...oh GOD, I’m so sorry.”
>>She mentally gasped in relief even as her body pressed itself to the floor and looked up willingly.
Link: Yes, because nothing says “willingness to have sex” like “pressed against the floor, genitals down, fully clothed.”
>>'I don't know if you realised but... when I said I had control of your body...'
Rauru: “...I kind of mumbled the word ‘control,’ my delivery was off. I meant to have more a ominous ring with overtones of...ahh, forget it.”
>>A flicker of alarm as she felt the firey bugs converge between he legs,
DED: Somehow the constant brutal rapes just fade into background noise, but letters missing from words are still as glaringly offensive as ever.
>>then she twitched as the tingling spread inside her.
Zelda: I guess they were cool menthol bugs.
>>'I meant everything.'
DED: Seriously, her lymph nodes? Her endocrine system? The peristaltic contractions of her colon? He has to manage all of that? This can’t possibly be worth it!
>>He curled his fingers in a convulsive movement and her brain exploded
Link: Oh. OH!
Rauru: So that was the end-game. Okay, I guess I can grudgingly respect that. He’s still a pathetic creeplord for making her go down on him, but I can always appreciate using telekinesis to blow someone’s head off.
>>and her legs collapsed as her body seared with fire,
DED: Wow, pyromancy too. I guess I didn’t give Ganondorf enough credit.
>>she curled up in a shuddering ball as a shattering, exhausting orgasm pounded her out of nowhere,
Link: ...Oh. Is that it?
Zelda: I wonder how much mana this orgasm spell costs. Sounds useful.
DED: But, like, wouldn’t that take all the fun out of masturbation?
Zelda: Oh, I wouldn’t use it on me, I’d use it to embarrass people in public.
>>her panties grew damp and then wet as cum squirted out of her in waves,
Rauru: A literal ocean of lady-juice.
>>thin streaks stretched down her thighs as they jerked uncontrollably
Link: ...How could a liquid jerk uncontrollably?
>>and her mind and body screamed at once,
DED: At once, young lady!
>>her face pressing into the stone as she screamed like a wild animal
Link: Well, not like just any wild animal.
Link: Caterpillars, for instance. They don’t really scream.
Link: Guinea pigs, they’re more “weet weet weet!” than screaming.
Zelda: I dunno, magic orgasms might make me do that.
Link: But it’s not screaming, though.
>>at the unimaginable ecstasy thrashing through her…
DED: Cool, we’re off the hook, we don’t have to imagine it.
Zelda: Waaaaaaay ahead of you.
>>And just as suddenly, it was gone.
Rauru: That...is how orgasms generally work, right?
>>She lay shaking on the stone, the prison of her mind thrown upside down,
DED: Foolish boy! Did you not know this castle has two layers?
>>her legs soaked with her own juices.
Rauru: Lovely. Now you’ll want to pop that in the slow-cooker on low heat for about six hours, here’s one we prepared earlier...
>>She stared round as the cloak swished past her.
Zelda: Why did he throw his cloak at me...?
>>Ganondorf walked calmly to the balcony
Rauru: “Welp, I’m bored already.”
>>and her battered body, obedient against her scattered wishes,
DED: What does that even mean?
>>crawled after him. She tried vainly to make her weak, shaking limbs obey her
Link: That doesn’t sound that vain…
Rauru: Those haughty royals, always flaunting their functioning limbs...
>>but they could barely move on their own after that assault,
Zelda: I try to keep my limbs from wandering off on their own, in general.
>>her mind was still reeling,
Link: Play him, play him, let him fight, tire him out, watch the drag...
>>she had never felt anything even close to that before...
Zelda: Well, hey, uh, thanks, I guess, you certainly didn’t HAVE to do that…
DED: “Ha ha, yes, I force my mind-slaves to take a hot lavender bath and sip Chardonnay before I kill them. Is it not the height of cruelty?”
>>She made it to all fours and shuffled after him,
Rauru: So when it said earlier that she “crawled after him,” that wasn’t with all four limbs? She was just pushing with her legs and sliding her face along the ground?
Link: I admit, if I had control over Zelda’s limbs, I might make her do that.
>>her tongue hanging out as she panted hot breaths, her terrified eyes looking out from under heavy, seductive lids
>>as she crawled onto the balcony, moaning as the cool night air brushed her neck.
Zelda: And only my neck. It was weird.
>>Her mind reeled away from the wetness between her legs and she raged weakly against her limbs
DED: Rage, rage against the lying on the floor!
>>as the dark cock filled her vision again before sliding easily into her mouth.
Rauru: Couldn’t’a been that big, then.
>>Her body was driven by an expert puppetmaster
Link: In this context, “expert puppetmaster” basically means “expert masturbator.”
>>and she screamed internally again
DED: I wonder what that’s like.
Link: Oh, I have some idea...here, watch: Hey Zelda, you know that antique desk with those gay hunting scenes carved into it? Well I was making some homemade fireworks on top of it and—
DED: *sudden trickle of blood from nose* Ow, my head.
Zelda: Hmm, not very strong today.
Link: I of course have built up an immunity to her psychic rage.
DED: Okay, but what about Rauru?
Rauru: Ha! And you laughed at all my forehead-flab.
>>as the hot flesh pressed at the back of her throat, she felt herself gag before the feeling vanished at another twitch of his hand
Zelda: Again, that’s awfully considerate of him.
DED: “Okay, hold on, let me see here. ‘Remove Gag Reflex’ is Alt-Shift-G...no, wait, that was ‘Kermit Limb-Waggle,’ my bad.”
>>and she slowly inched her head forwards, her mouth stretched wide around him as the throbbing head of his dick pushed down her neck.
Zelda: That is so far down the list of things I want pushed down my neck. *swigs*
>>He laughed at the hot, wet skin wrapping around him
Link: You’re right, it’s just hi-larious!
>>as he casually surveyed his new kingdom,
Rauru: This WHOLE balcony.
>>curling his hand to pull her head forward and slide his cock deeper into her throat,
DED: “Whoops, I headbutted myself in the gut. Let must just OW OW OH GOD NOT MY DICK!”
>>not caring how much pain she felt as her body writhed around him.
Zelda: So I guess stopping me from gagging earlier was just for...aesthetic reasons?
>>He looked down at the pale face smeared in mascara and spit
Link: It’s the hot new thing on the catwalks of Milan!
Zelda: Again, I’ve long since abandoned the superfluous ostentation of SHOES, but I’m still wearing makeup.
>>and saw her pupils contracted with terror and that excited him as much as the pressure of her throat on his dick.
Rauru: So you could make this dude jizz his pants just by shining a flashlight into someone’s eyes while he looks at them.
>>Wh- why... please…
DED: There’s no quotation marks. Is this a cry for help from the author themselves?
>>He felt the faint tremor in her brain and grinned.
Zelda: All my thoughts just sound like Charlie Brown’s teachers to him.
>>Her neck jerked and she moaned as she finally took his entire cock into her mouth, and just at that moment
Link: ...I lost interest in this story completely.
>>he twitched his hand again and felt her screams reverberate through her mouth as another sudden, fierce orgasm took her.
DED: “Ugh, my hand itches, I’d better just...oops.”
>>Zelda tried as hard as she could to stop thinking
Link: It’s about time!
Zelda (ruefully swishing mostly-empty tequila bottle): For once, I agree with you.
>>as the fire roared up her body,
Rauru: Oh the weather outside is twilightful, but the fire is so delightful...
>>her pussy clenched around the thin silk of her panties and then squirted again,
DED: “Uh oh, hydration levels are dropping, gotta do something about...FUCK! Now there’s some lymphatic bullshit I gotta deal with, it never ends!”
>>hot sweet liquid dripping from her body
Rauru: Thai sweet chili sauce? That shit’s dope.
>>to the marble floor as her arms clutched at his legs, her torso still wrapped around the meaty cock in her mouth
Zelda: What the ffffffFUCK is THAT supposed to mean?!
>>that trembled around her muffled screams, and her mind went blank
DED: “Oops, that was the wrong shortcut, I pressed Alt-F4. Shit. Gotta try and reboot...what do you MEAN, invalid boot disk?!”
>>as a thick jet of hot liquid spurted inside her neck,
Link: What, blood? Well, at least he’s mastered the whole blood-circulating thing.
>>pouring in a thick torrent down her throat as she screamed in panic,
Zelda: Ever since the accident at the molasses factory, I’ve had bad PTSD.
>>even her body slid back by itself to try not to choke,
DED: Oh, I guess Ganondorf has a not-choking macro assigned. Can’t have your mind-control puppet choking to death on your spooge because you got distracted by, I guess, coming in her mouth. Surprisingly sensible.
>>and she convulsed as the thick muscle withdrew from her neck,
Link: The way the author willfully and repeatedly refers to the dick as a muscle is starting to annoy me.
Rauru: For a story all about controlling the anatomy, this is failing pretty profoundly to understand anatomy.
>>her mouth filled with the bitter, sticky liquid that she swallowed eagerly
Zelda: *drains tequila bottle*
Link: Um, sweetie, are you going to die?
Zelda: Look, if I can magically heal you after you get stabbed and immolated and exploded and shot with laser beams, I can handle some measly alcohol poisoning.
Link: So why do you even need to drink so much if you’re not—
Zelda: I’m an aristocrat. Squandering precious things in an orgy of wanton hedonism is the only way we can feel alive even for a brief flickering moment.
Link: So how is that any different than when I blow up your antique furniture with homemade fireworks?
Zelda: Because I chose to guzzle MY expensive grand reserve tequila, I didn’t COME INTO YOUR ROOM AND FIND YOURS AND BLOW IT UP!
Link: Okay, cripes!
>>even as her frightened brain panicked over what was happening.
DED: Hey guys, you know me, I’m extremely easygoing about run-on sentences...
Rauru: That’s not true at all, you’re a huge—
DED: Shut up and play along, fatass. So anyway, do you guys happen to remember the beginning of that sentence that just ended?
Zelda: Uh, gee mister, I don’t.
DED: Well let me refresh your memory: That sentence began with the words “Zelda tried as hard as she could,” nine commas and A HUNDRED AND FORTY FUCKING WORDS ago.
Link: Well golly, that...actually holy shit, that’s fucking ridiculous.
DED: If every single word of that one sentence was abbreviated to a SINGLE LETTER and you got rid of every space and comma, you could JUST BARELY post it on Twitter. BARELY.
Rauru: Well, um, I guess there’s a lesson in there...somewhere.
>>The huge dick flopped out of her mouth,
Zelda: Ganondorf is, indeed, a huge dick.
>>she swallowed hungrily even as his cum rolled from her lips and the final spurt from him splattered hotly on her bare chest.
Link: Wait, when did she take her top off?
DED: The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind.
>>She flopped forward onto all fours, the dripping dick hung over her like a sword
Rauru: Like a very small floppy useless sword, sure…
DED: Like a veritable Schlong of Damocles.
>>as she gasped for breath, strings of cum hanging from her lips even as more ran down her chest and her own juices pooled on the floor between her knees.
Link: What a mess.
Zelda: Nothing that housekeeping isn’t well-accustomed to dealing with.
>>Her mind retreated,
Rauru: Please, “tactically redeployed.”
>>she tried to pull away from the horror of what had happened to her,
DED: Gotta get away, holy di-vaaaaaa-aaaaaaa-aaaaaa-aaaaah yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
>>but the raw sensations in her body wouldn't go away
Zelda: I know *hic* exschakly howa dealith that.
>>and she yearned for the taste of more cum...
Link: Fever for the Flavor of Pringles: the horrible truth.
>>Ganondorf smiled grimly to himself as he looked down at the young woman on the floor in front of him.
Rauru: “Well shit, that was thoroughly unpleasant. I guess I really am gay. I thought...there was a chance that if I...ugh.”
>>Broken, he thought, broken completely,
DED: “Damn it, where’s the damn warranty...”
>>he had given her the slightest suggestions and her inner slut had taken over with such ease.
Zelda: Juuuuuust keep telling yourself that you pathetic fucking slime.
Rauru: “She likes me, she really likes me!...I mean I had to hypnotize her a little bit to prime the pump, but...”
Link: I mean he has this godlike power and he almost immediately uses it for petty sex, who’s the real slut here?
>>He would keep this one, he thought as he strode over to his new throne.
DED: Yes, this throne is a real keeper.
>>Who knows how long the pathetic hero she had found would take, if he would even get here at all?
Link: Depends on how many minigames and sidequests I get bogged down in.
DED: I wonder if that Star Game dickhead realized he was jeopardizing the welfare of the whole world when he redesigned his fucking cheating-ass minigame?
>>He contemplated it as he watched her puppet body crawl back towards him,
Rauru: “Hmm, based on how fast she’s moving, assuming Link is averaging a similar pace since he has to stop and fight all the time...”
>>hampered by the hand between her legs.
Zelda: You will fear the wrath of my secret handgina.
DED: That’s some Junji Ito shit right there.
>>He watched her for a moment then curled his hand again and she jerked on the floor
Link: ...And she’s magic on the mic!
>>as her pussy exploded with fire again.
Zelda: “Exploding Fire Pussy” would be an excellent name for some lesbian punk band.
>>This time he didn't let up, and watched impassively as her thin form curled and writhed and screamed in pain and unbearable pleasure against the cold floor.
Rauru: “Yep, totally impassive, this isn’t erotic in the slightest. Man, I thought at least I might be bi...”
>>Wherever the boy was, he thought, he had better hurry up...
DED: ...because this is already boring. Seriously, cruel spontaneous orgasms are just shrill and annoying by now. Can’t he come up with something more interesting to do with her?
Zelda: Maybe a lively Vaudeville routine.
Rauru: Or sing a touching duet.
Link: Would it technically be cheating to enter her as his doubles partner in tennis?
DED: Ah ha ha...we do amuse ourselves.
DED: ...But seriously though this was the most morally reprehensible thing we have ever read, and that’s saying a LOT.