In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space
We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:
Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “No filter!”
Rauru! “Let me eat cake!”
Zelda! “Faciam ut mei memineris!”
Link! “How is babby formed?”
If you don’t get how he stays alive
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!
“Only for you” by ts879
>>"So what do think?"
DED: That this story will laughably fail to arouse!
Link: That if corgis had stilts, they’d be happier!
Rauru: That the pot roast is ready to come out now!
Zelda: That I need a drink.
>>she murmured shyly, her cheeks flushed red.
Zelda: Speaking of...
DED: I’m kind of getting sick of the theater reeking of whiskey and broken dreams.
Zelda: Oh don’t worry, I was kidding. I’m not going to get drunk in the theater this time.
Link: Wow, all the rules are off.
Zelda: ...I already am drunk. HA!
DED: Eh, I’ll take it.
Rauru (eating pot roast): Doan exthpek eny changeth on my end. *nom gromf*
>>Yet her lips were curved into a sultry smile,
Link: A salt tree? Is that where it comes from?
>>a hand on her bare hip,
Zelda: “Dang it, where’s my stiletto? I coulda sworn I strapped it on...”
Link: That is my second-least-favorite of your strap-ons.
>>presenting herself to the man quietly sitting on her bed.
Rauru: PREEEEsent ARMS! And LEGS! And ASS and TITTIES!
>>The man in question did not responded,
DED: Oh man, it’s going to be one of these stories.
>>his mind too preoccupied with the heavenly sight that had graced him.
Link: In the night I was visited by the Archangel of Smut, and we...“wrestled.”
>>in front of him was the princess of Hyrule
Zelda: Oh, I’m the heavenly sight?
Rauru: Why do you sound disappointed?
Zelda: Heaven’s lame. Can’t I be a sexy succubus from Hell?
Link: How about you take a break from being a hellish Faustian bargain of a girlfriend, just for this one story?
Zelda: You did NOT just say that to me I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL GUT YOU WITH A RUSTY TROWEL!
DED: Stayin’ outta this one.
>>wearing nothing but a low cut tube top that only covered her breasts
Link: ...I take it all back!
Zelda: Thaaat’s right, my pet.
Link: Better to boink in Hell than serve in Heaven! Aw-ROOOOOO-ga!
>>while leaving her shoulders, neck, midriff and all else completely exposed.
Rauru: Shoulders, neck, midriff, tax dodging, embezzlement, bribery...all completely exposed!
Zelda: Oh, gosh, you’re right, I’d better take myself to trial before the highest legal authority in the land: me. The First Court of Me is now in session, the honorable Judge Me presiding. Me, how do I plead? Not guilty? I agree entirely! We’re free to go!
>>Along side it she also wore a short skirt
DED: So the words “wearing nothing but” earlier were just a cruel, pointless lie, existing only to waste my time.
Rauru: You exist only to waste our time, and you don’t see us complaining.
DED: Except for right now.
Rauru: Yes, except for right now, you insufferable twat.
>>that only reached down her mid-thighs,
Link: Well come now, who are we to say that they “only” reached down her mid-thighs? That sounds like a perfectly respectable achievement for a skirt.
>>showing off her legs
Yes, these were the cloths of the Gerudos…
Zelda: Huh. Y’know, for Hyrulians, that is kind of like cosplaying as a sexy Nazi.
DED: Plenty of people do that.
Zelda: I know, I’m just sayin’.
DED: I mean, you should count your blessings that this story’s just about a human woman cosplaying as a sexy Nazi, and not an anthropomorphic timber wolf dressed as an SS officer with a riding crop and enormous boobs and a four-foot cock.
Zelda: Yes, enough.
>>His eyes drank in every detail of her body.
Rauru: Details literally dripping from it.
>>From the how her large magnificent breasts were pushed up and pressed together by the tube top, it even gave him a good view of her cleavage.
Zelda: Yeah, no, it’s too tight for me to breathe properly, but no worries, it’s totally worth it so that men can gaze at me.
>>Her slim waist gracefully curved into broad, round hips
DED: Not like those other girls, whose waists curve into hips in a bumbling, hamfisted way.
>>and then formed two long, flawlessly toned legs.
Rauru: ...In the accepted fashion, yes.
>>Her body was a ideal hourglass shape,
DED: Yes, her feet and her head were several times wider than her waist and were perfectly flat.
>>slender yet it had those perfectly formed curves in all the right places.
Link: Yeah, I’d be pretty turned off if she had, like, boobs on her ankles and ass-cheeks on her neck.
>>The few, dim candles in the room illuminated the ample amounts of her exposed skin,
Zelda: But not anything else. Only me.
Rauru: Only your skin. Your clothes, your hair, your teeth, those were all inky black.
>>glowing faintly in the mostly dark room.
Zelda: “So how do you like my outfit?”
Link: “CAN’T SEE SHIT, BOSS!”
>>The candel light
DED: Ooh, BABY. It’s been a long time since we’ve had a story that didn’t even bother to heed the angry red squiggly line under the misspelled word.
Rauru: Like, how do you even find a word processor that doesn’t have spellcheck? You’d have to go out of your way these days.
Zelda: I like to picture this type of story as being faithfully transcribed, with errors preserved, from the walls of a padded cell in an abandoned insane asylum where it was found written in smeared blood and feces.
>>also casted shadows onto the young woman's body, defining her slender yet curvaceus figure.
Link: Her body is defined by shadows? That’s, like, the title of a high schooler’s emo poem about the goth girl he has a crush on.
>>Her golden locks were swept back
Rauru: By the Three Bears.
>>and brushed perfectly straight,
Link: ‘Cept when she’s drunk on Spring Break and wants to fool around.
Zelda: Yeah, my hair gets messy when I’m drunk, all right.
Link: ...That’s not what I meant.
Zelda: I KNOW it’s not, I’m SHUTTING YOUR ASS DOWN.
DED: No, no, hold on, have you had sex with girls while drunk on Spring Break?
Zelda: No. I don’t remember doing it, and there are no witnesses.
DED: But that doesn’t prove anyth—
Zelda: NO. WITNESSES.
>>flowing down her back to her waist but failed to cover her supple ass.
Rauru: Well that’s hardly its job...
>>Two manes of blond hair hung down on either side of her face in front of her ears,
DED: Those things aren’t manes, don’t be ridiculous, they’re...
Link: No, those are on the front of your head, not the sides. Locks? Strands? Fuck, I don’t know hair anatomy. Why do you wear your hair with those dangly bits anyway?
Zelda: It’s so I can use them to strangle the next person to mention whatever did or didn’t happen on Spring Break, OKAY?
Link: Okay, sheesh!
>>those manes turning wavy near the end.
Rauru: I see we’re on the wavy mane gravy train.
>>"Oh Link" she called out to him, somewhat tauntingly
DED: “...The franchise is still named after meee~eee!”
>>"Your haven't said anything for an awfully long time"
Rauru: Since the series started in 1986, actually.
Zelda: Yeah that’s in-game, but holy crap does he ever—
Link: ...would have gone even FARTHER if I had used a whole can of hairspray! So I loaded another one into the breech and...
>>This broke him out of this stupor, prompting a response. "sorry"
DED: Good response.
Zelda: No, seriously, I would love to hear that some time.
Link: Zelda, I’m sorry the hairspray cannon exploded and burned off my eyebrows.
Zelda: IT ALSO INCINERATED MY PRICELESS EXOTIC ORCHIDS!
Link: I SAID I was SORRY!
>>he said chuckling awkwardly while rubbing the back of his neck with his left hand.
Rauru: But only on the left side, yeah that’s the Crip side.
>>"Its just that you Look amazing in that'
DED: “...in that you are nearly naked and the top pushes your boobies up and I love boobies.”
>>The princess covered her mouth with her hand and let out a short giggle at his meekness.
Link: His Meekness? That’s a TERRIBLE title!
>>"I am glad you liked it. Besides you don't look half bad yourself"
Zelda: “You look, like, 95% bad.”
Link: ...of ASS.
>>which was true.
Rauru: Yes, but which half?
>>at the moment the young man was wearing a green, cotton vest and a pair of loose white colored trousers.
Link: You’ll note that at no point on in this list is underwear mentioned, as is right and proper.
>>The vest tightly clung to his torso, painting a good image of what the he might looked like utterly naked
DED: If his skin was, y’know, green.
Link: HULK SMASH!
>>and the lack of sleeves displayed his muscular arms.
Rauru: And his disdain for sleeves.
>>It was mid-summer in hyrule.
DED: A Midsummer Night’s Ream.
>>the time of year when it gets excruciatingly hot almost everywhere, So it was natural he wear lighter Attire.
Zelda: So they couldn’t be bothered to capitalize “Hyrule” in the last sentence, and the first letter of this sentence, But they decided to capitalize other random Words?
>>Moreover he was sleeping soundly in his bed,
Rauru: ...But it’s one in the afternoon...
>>before she woke him up and dragged him all the way to her room,
Link: She didn’t have to wake me up if she was planning on dragging me. She could have just dragged me in my sleep.
>>to show him the new additions to her wardrobe.
Zelda: “I added another wing to my wardrobe! It’s up to 1200 square feet!”
>>and he knew why she had done so.
DED: ...So he could see them...!
>>"Thank you Zelda" he said with a coy grin on his face,
Link: “Thanks LOADS for waking me up out of my peaceful slumber so I could look at THAT.”
>>the awkwardness clearly gone now.
Rauru: Not gone from this writing style, by any means...
>>"But why are you showing this at this late hour?
Zelda: Because I’m busy during the day!
>>i mean you could've done this in the morning.
DED: He HAS a point.
Link: You could have just not done it at all.
Zelda: Are you saying I shouldn’t seduce you?
Link: Come on, the sexy clothes are a superfluous step. So was waking me up, for that matter. You know I’m capable of fully satisfying while totally unconscious.
>>What other reason do you have for interrupting my slumber ?"
Zelda: “Oh, loads.”
>>The smile on her face widened,
Rauru: Widening her face commensurately as well.
>>as began walking towards him with a seductive sway to her hips.
DED: She’s seducing her own hips...?
Zelda: “Torturing you with sleep deprivation like this is the only way I can feel alive anymore.”
>>I was feeling so lonely, laying on this big bed all by myself."
Link: Silly bitch, shoulda just come to my bed before I went to sleep.
Rauru: Stay up binge-watching Netflix, this is what you get.
>>she said, her low voice filled with sexual overtones
DED: Yeah, a low, Barry-White-like voice is sexy...on a man...
>>"I was hoping you would join me tonight
Zelda: You and I are quite alike, you know…
Link: No! Never!
>>and hold me in your strong arms. You know like you used to do when we shared one bed"
DED: Soooo...their marriage is on the rocks, they’ve drifted apart and they now sleep in separate beds, and in desperation she dresses in a sexy outfit and tries to recapture the magic they once had. This story is fucking depressing now, it’s some shit out of a letter to Cosmo.
>>"Is that so" he replied,
Link: “WERE you now.”
>>as she climbed on to the bed.
Rauru: Not waiting for an answer, obviously.
Zelda: Permission is for people who don’t literally own other human beings.
Link: Hey, I’m not one of your serfs.
Zelda: Juuuuuust keep tellin’ yourself that.
>>the princess was slowly crawling towards him on her hands and knees, her ass raised hight in the air,
DED: ...B-but...what height?
Link: Ass height.
>>while she was gazing at him with wanton eyes.
Rauru: With wonton eyes and sashimi lips and hair like sweet lo mein.
Zelda: What, dripping with grease?
>>"I would like to think you want me to do more than just hold you"
Rauru: “But we both know this is all a hollow lie, isn’t it?”
>>She sat down on his lap, once she had reached him.
Zelda: And there you go, that’s sex. Any questions?
>>He wrapped his arms around her body
DED: Now the word “wrap” implies a full 360-degree envelopment, like, hand reaching back around to its own arm’s armpit, closing the circle.
Link: I can’t hug her like THAT! I can get, like, 65% at best.
DED: Exactly! And if a present is only 65% covered in wrapping paper, it’s not “wrapped,” is it?
Zelda: So what’s your edit, editor-man?
DED: Oh, uh…“He placed his arms...partially...around her body? Mostly on her back and sides?”
DED: Or you could just say “He hugged her.” Because that is what this is. A HUG.
>>and pulled her close.
Link: With the quality of the editing going on here, that could easily have been intended to be “pulled her clothes.”
DED: No, I know these stories, we’re still in the talking section. Disrobing is at least a paragraph away.
>>They gazed into each others eyes, their faces mere inchs away.
Zelda: I too am inching away.
>>"What gave you that idea?"
Link: “I DON’T KNOWWWWWW??!!!?!?!”
>>she said in a hot whisper.
Rauru: “Cripes, stop BREATHING on me, it’s the hottest summer in Hyrulian history!”
>>But before he could say anything she leaned in and planted her lips directly on his.
DED: “Well, I was thinking that hurm murmbrum furmm gurr...”
>>in return he closed his eyes and kissed her back.
Link: ...Her lips are on her back?!?
>>their lips meet in a passionate kiss,
Zelda: Oh they DID?
DED: Yeah I...I think that was implied, earlier.
Rauru: Where are you getting that from?
>>tongues twirling and rubbing together in harmony.
DED: Yeah, harmony. I’m pretty sure that’s in the Buddhist scriptures somewhere.
>>Her hands were locked around his neck,
Zelda: Tell me about it.
Link: Tell you about what, about the thing on Spring BreAAAAAKK AGGGK GAKK
>>deepening the kiss even more.
>>So heated and sexual,
DED: In case you weren’t aware.
>>it was very different from the sweet, innocent kisses they had shared in their childhood.
Rauru: Shared with each other, presumably.
>>Both of them grew up together,
Zelda: Well, one of us grew up.
Link: Zelda, Zelda, hey, look, Zelda! I can make a fart sound with my hands!
>>ever since the king of hyrule had adopted Link as his son,
DED: And gave him bits of fatherly wisdom, like, “Mah boi, this peace is what all true warriors strive for!”
>>after the young hero had stopped Gannondorf's assassination attempt.
Rauru: What timeline is this? There was nothing of the sort.
Link: Unless the author means Ganondorf’s attempted assassination...of me, which I definitely stopped the crap out of.
>>Yes, they are siblings in a way,
>>one might even mistake them for identical twins because of the numerous physical resembles.
DED: The resemblies.
>>But in reality they were not related by blood.
Rauru: ...As far as we know.
Link: There’s a remote chance they are siblings, and the baby they make is gonna have fingers growing out of its nipples.
Zelda: Eh, wouldn’t be the first royal mutant retard incest baby.
>>If anything their relationship was more like that of a husband and wife.
DED: Yes, that is exactly what the relationship is like between two people raised as siblings from childhood. Husband and wife. People who fuck, like, at least once a week. That. That is what it’s like.
>>Which was apparent by the intense lip-lock they were currently engaged in,
Link: But husbands and wives don’t usually do intense kissing. Their love life is more along the lines of, “As a reward for applying that sealcoat in the garage I’ll let you do anal.”
Rauru: This relationship is more like horny teenagers in a Trans Am, which is the case for most of these stories.
>>with her tongues mingling together and lips pressed together in lascivious urgency.
DED: How can they display such flagrant disregard for capitalization and punctuation, but then string together a phrase like “lascivious urgency”?! I just...it doesn’t...
>>Said kiss lasted for quite some time
Zelda: Whoa whoa hold up, they kissed?!
Rauru: Yeah, there are subtle, hidden messages in this story if you look hard enough.
>>before they finally pulled away, panting lightly from the deficiency of air.
Link: “I know *GASP* we wanted *GASP* to escape *GASP* the heat *GASP* but putting *GASP* the love shack *GASP* on top of *GASP* this mountain *GASP* created *GASP* more problems *GASP* than it solved...”
>>She pressed her forehead against his and look deeply into his deep blue orbs.
Zelda: Nope, nada. Nothin’ in there. Zip. Blank tape, never even cracked the seal.
>>At the same her hands descended down his body until it reached his hips
DED: At the point where the author is saying that hands are a singular entity, I have to wonder, “how does this person even think?”
>>and gripped the bottom of his vest.
Link: Seeee myyyyy VEST! See my vest! Green and sheer, it’s just the best! When I’m questing or I’m breasting, in my vest I am investing!
>>The princess then pulled it up his body and over his head.
Zelda: Must I do everything for you?!
>>She threw the discarded piece of clothing to the wayside
Rauru: “Well THIS has absolutely got to go. God, you’re like a walking fashion Chernobyl.”
>>and turn her attention to the now topless hero.
DED: Now he’s just a topless hero, got staaaars in his eyeeeeees...
>>She sensually bit her lip
Zelda (sensually): “Ow.”
>>as she eyed his wonderfully chiseled chest and abdomen.
Link: No one’s really ever tried to chisel my chest and abdomen. I've been attacked by swords, claws, teeth, fire breath, giant clam spikes, ghost lanterns, chickens...but not chisels.
>>In her mind his figure was absolute perfection,
Rauru: In his mind, he was thinking about how he can’t believe the Jets went for the fake punt on fourth-and-long, and now he’s out twenty bucks.
>>slender yet it had those strong, well-built muscles.
DED: You know the ones.
>>Indeed it was as if his body was carved from stone by the very goddesses themselves.
Link: Making it very hard for me to move…
Zelda: Assuming they carved certain parts of you in the preferred anatomical state, I don’t see it being a problem.
>>However her scrutiny of his body did not go by Link himself
Rauru: Whoa, time hiccup.
>>who simply gave her a mischievous smirk before saying "See something you like, your majesty?".
Zelda: “There’s half a bottle of scotch over on the nightstand!”
>>She raised her head to look at him face to face. "No...
Link: Wow, okay, well fuck you too!
>>all I see is the man I Love"
DED: I’m actually starting to dig this random capitalization. It reminds me of the writing style of the 1700s, when you just capitalized whatever you damn well pleased.
Zelda: That’s sad. You’re sad. You’re a sad, confused little man.
DED: Like, “Dear Sirs, am in rec’t of 6 Tonnes of y’r finest quality Molasses, & am desirous of distilling Goods whereby I might refine ‘t to Rum, being most beneficial to the Health of the Glands and Humours.”
Zelda: Stop, you’re just depressing me right n—rum you say?!
>>With that she placed her hand on his chest and gently pushed him down on his back.
Rauru: And then left.
>>He let her take the lead, offering no resistance
>>as he lied down on the bed with her now hovering on top of him.
Link: “Honey, could you not hover? It’s weirding me out.”
>>They looked into each others eyes again for a few moments before she gave him a quick peck on the lips and began to trail kisses down his neck.
DED: Well, we’ve got no shortage of kissing at least.
Rauru: Usually these stories are so psychotically horny that they don’t have time to describe anyone kissing anything but a nutsack or a clitoris.
>>He closed his eyes and let out a quite sigh as he felt her lips on his neck leaving soft kisses as it moved lower and lower.
Link: As...my neck moved lower and lower?!
Zelda: That’s what is says.
DED: Yeah but it also says “a quite sigh,” so maybe we should just move on.
>>As she journeyed lower down his body,
Rauru: No no, look, this is a disgrace to the concept of a journey. Walking from the Shire to Mordor is a journey. Traversing the Arctic is a journey. If Sir Ranulph Fiennes were here he’d be harrumphing disdainfully.
Zelda: Well, yeah, but moreso at the story as a whole rather than at that particular phrase.
Rauru: Okay, fair enough, but my point stands.
DED: Oh for sure, I mean, no one knows more about walking long distances than you.
>>her mouth eventually reached his chest, her tongue now licking his hard skin.
Link: Because when I’m having trouble sleeping on a hot, miserable night, what I really find myself wishing I had was some spit coating my pecs.
>>As she descended more,
DED: ...She was ambushed by the mole people!
>>her lips traveling down his body leaving pecks in her wake.
Rauru: If I were her I wouldn’t be letting my lips wander around unsupervised.
Zelda: Look, they’re right nearby, I’m keeping an eye on them!
>>She eventually reached his abs her tongue, tracing the space between the rock-liked muscles.
Link: “His abs her tongue?” My muscles are liked by rocks?! What is even happening anymore?!?
>>not long after
DED: You know, in cosmological terms.
>>she was close to his crotch and his hardened member constrained in his breeches.
Rauru: Yeah, after his member did a nickel in San Quentin it’s just never been the same...
>>The princess swiftly pulled his pants off, this left him completely nude
Link: You’ve taken EVERYTHING from me! EVVVVERRRRYYYTHINNNNGGG!
>>with his erection pointing skyward.
DED: Oh, I guess this is in the Skyward Sword chronology.
>>She smiled lustfully at it licking her lips.
Zelda: I smiled lustfully because his penis...was LICKING...my lips. I...what?
>>She wrapped one of her hand around it and immediately began to stroke it up and down
Link: Well, good, I guess, I’m glad she didn’t wait like 20 minutes between grabbing and stroking.
>>as he let out a groan in response.
Rauru: ...to fluctuations in the stock market.
>>"Already so hard? It usually takes you a little more to get this far on your own"
Link: Cripes, always with the criticism!
>>she asked as she was jerking him off.
DED: Now is probably not the right time to be asking him to parse complex questions.
Rauru: “Complex questions?” This doesn't seem very…
Zelda: This is LINK we're talking about.
>>"Hehe I couldn't help it, after seeing you dressed like a harlot"
DED: Okay, no way in HELL would he even know that word, much less bust it out mid-handjob.
Link: I do too know that word!
Link: Yeah! I got an old Camaro at a used harlot just the other day!
>>he hissed feeling her hand slowly rubbing his solid dick
DED: Metal Peen Solid: Tactical Sexpionage Action.
>>Zelda raised one of her eye brows, more intrigued then offended
Rauru: First intrigued, then offended.
Zelda: Nope, nope, I went straight to offended the moment this story began.
>>by his comment."What are trying to say?
Link: I don’t even know.
Rauru: Why, it’s you, author! You are trying to say! Not doing a very good job, buuuut...
>>do you want me to remove my cloths?"
DED: I want you to SAY “CLOTHES” NOT “CLOTHS!”
>>the princess asked as she sped up.
>>This time he only nodded as his breathing was starting to get more frantic from his manhood being stimulated by her
Link: What, are my lungs in my dick?
>>"Well too bad" she pouted
Rauru: Lady, slow down, he didn’t even say he wanted you to take them off. That was you assuming.
>>"I like these garments.
>>they are very comfortable in comparison to the dresses I usually wear especially in this hot weather."
Link: But, like, wouldn’t being totally nude be even cooler and more comfortable?
Rauru: I know it’s my go-to strategy when the weather gets hot.
DED: GUH. AUUGGHH.
>>she ranted while keeping up the pace of her hand stimulating his member.
Zelda: You call THAT a rant? I’LL show you a rant.
Link: ...Could you not?
>>"Besides...' she said in a low, sexy voice leaning down to his solidified dick
DED: That’s dumb but I can’t really explain why.
Rauru: Well, it’s not like your dick isn’t actually a solid when it isn’t erect. Like, it doesn’t turn to vapor or anything.
Link: Unless you have a really unfortunate encounter with a Beamos. Ask me how I know!
>>as she was stroking it up and down with her hand. "I don't really mind being called a harlot."
Zelda: As far as derogatory-but-actually-appreciative things to call a girl, it’s actually pretty classy.
DED: Yeah, we need fewer bitches and hos and more harlots and slatterns.
>>with that she placed a kiss on the tip of cock
Rauru: “I’LL GET YOU BACK, EVIL BOSS,” John Freeman yelled at the top of lung!
>>making him flinch slightly. "I'm your harlot after all..."
Link: Inordinately chatty is what you are. Eyes on the prize here, sweet cheeks.
>>She then pulled back a little bit before putting the head of his cock into her mouth, sucking on it gently.
Zelda: Hey wait, is this the first sentence thus far that is actually error-free?
DED: Well, they saved it for when it really mattered.
>>She then removed her hand she began to gradually take it into her mouth.
Rauru: She tore her own hand off and ATE it?!?
>>Once his whole cock was inside her mouth and down her throat.
Link: Yes, once, but alas, no more.
DED: Those were happier, messier times.
>>She pursed her lips around it
Link: Cripes, dames and their purses.
>>and her tongue licked his shaft with her tongue.
>>The princess then gripped his hips
Rauru: So she gripped his hips while she rocked his cock?
Zelda: Right, while I own his bone in the Bone Zone.
>>and began to move his member it in and out of her mouth at a slow pace.
Link: Yeah, this is fine and all, I guess, but we both know what we really want is to just buy a damn air conditioner, and all the blowjobs in the world won’t change that.
>>He reached down and grasped her blond hair, pulling it gently
Zelda: Good! Great.
>>as he was bucking his manhood into her mouth in tandem with her movements.
Rauru: That’s certainly the most elegant way to describe what’s happening here, boy howdy.
>>"Ugh so shameless and deprived.
>>So unbecoming of a princess.
Zelda: Some days I’d like to unbecome a princess.
Link: Then you remember the vast wealth and power, and think better of it?
>>What would father say if he heard you saying such things?"
Rauru: He’d say, “Zelda, Duke Onkled is under attack by the evil forces of Ganon! I’m going to Gamelon to aid him!”
>>he groaned as she was bobbing her head up and down his erection at an ever quickening speed.
DED: As she approached the speed of light, time slowed to a crawl as Link’s dick disintegrated and a massive fireball engulfed the room.
Zelda: Not to mention the fact that the mass of my head would become arbitrarily large and it would be compressed into, like, neutronium or something.
DED: No, I’m pretty sure your head would become a cloud of exploding plasma before it got the chance.
Zelda: Well. it’s hard to say when talking about relativistic phenomena, but I think it depends on th—
Link: —I like pickles!
Rauru: Yeah, me too, let’s talk about pickles!
Zelda: Oh never mind.
>>"I only say this, because it is the truth" she spoke in his mind,
>>through telepathy as to not interrupt the blowjob she was giving him.
DED: FINALLY, a GOOD reason to have telepathy!
>>"My body belongs to you and no one else.
Zelda: Um, it belongs to ME and no one else.
>>It exists only for you to ravage to your heart's desire, my love. "
Rauru: Well, Link is really good at ravaging.
Link: Fuck yeah I am.
Zelda: ...Not in that way.
>>Link gritted his teeth and grunted in response,
DED: Geez, it can’t be that bad. Is she scraping his dick with her teeth?
Zelda: Was it that stuff I said about him owning my body? I thought he’d be into that.
Rauru: Maybe he’s a vehement feminist.
>>pulling at her golden tresses harder as she was thrusting his member in and out of her mouth at a significantly faster rate.
DED: I guess her head is now going FASTER than the speed of light, and thus has gone back in time, and the story will start over.
Link: Oh please God no.
>>Her throat bulged every time his large manhood went inside.
Zelda: That’s actually totally correct. Any time Link and his large manhood go inside my house, or even anywhere NEAR my house, my throat starts to swell up and I start involuntarily gagging.
Link: What, really?
Zelda: No, I’m just kidding. The symptoms are more like sweating, elevated heart rate...
Link: Common reactions to my manhood.
Zelda: ...twitching eyelid, grinding teeth, bulging forehead veins...
Link: Haha yeah I’VE got a bulging vein for ya if you know what I—
Zelda: GOD SHUT UP YOU DENSE MOTHERFUCKER IT’S LIKE I’M LIVING IN A CUCKOO CLOCK
>>But she was used to it at this point.
Rauru: That’s right, Zelda. Calm down. You’re used to it at this point.
Zelda: *breathes heavily* Yeah. Yeah. I’m the leader of the free world, and Link’s full-time babysitter. I can handle both.
Link: But can you handle BOFA DEEZ NUTS LOLOLOLAAAGGK GAK URK GRAK
Zelda: I could kill you in cold blood and I’d face ABSOLUTELY NO CONSEQUENCES WHATSOEVER DON’T YOU EVER FORGET THAT
DED: Well, I’d think somewhat less of you if you murdered Link.
Zelda: YOU STAY OUT OF THIS NERD
>>Her gag reflex practically non-existent for the number of times she had given him head.
Rauru: Wow, impressive. I’ve deep-throated all kinds of sausages and corn cobs and I haven’t developed that skill.
>>As Zelda continued to pleasure him she could feeling her own body heat up at the same time.
DED: Well yeah, she’s doing vigorous physical exercise and it’s a hot summer night. They’re both probably already wallowing in sweat.
>>The slit between her legs was gettiing wetter and hotter
Zelda: Don’t you mean “the sliit”?
>>as she rubbed her thighs together to give herself some form of relief.
Link: Not a very GOOD form, but...
>>While she continuously bobbed her head up and down his solidified shaft, her tongue laping at it in order to speed its ejaqulating.
DED: This is just Faulknerian.
Zelda: Or maybe Finnegan’s Wake.
>>She hummed around the thick meat of his manhood her eyes closed as she was now focused solely on pleasing her beloved.
Link: Good. Her attention was really wandering there.
Rauru: And we all know how annoying THAT is.
Link: ...isn’t even technically illegal! So I went ahead and ignored their advice and proceeded to duct-tape party balloons full of gasoline onto the...
>>She was now rapidly pumping his cock in and out of her mouth,
Zelda: Right, good, keep us posted.
>>wanting to make him orgasm as fast as possible,
DED: I totally endorse that plan.
>>craving the taste of his seed.
Rauru: I just hope she doesn’t flick his seed outside of her cage.
>>"You want me to cum don't you?"
Zelda: “Oh no, take your sweet-ass time about it, I’d be happy to stay here looking at your sweaty pubes all day.”
>>he growled when he noticed this
Link: “Grrr, I hate that!”
>>"You want me to fill your mouth with my essence and you want to drink it deep?"
DED: “Want” is maybe a strong word.
Rauru: Well it’s more like she wants this to be over, and that stuff he said is a necessary condition for that.
>>he then tugged her blond locks even harder
Zelda: Okay, no, hold on, I would understand if he was pushing on the back of my head to force it onto his dick. That’s an established blowjob maneuver. But pulling on my hair? Upward towards his face, perpendicular to the axis of the blowjobbing? That’s not getting him anywhere; he’s just being a jerk.
>>and began to swiftly buck into her awaiting mouth. "Well do you?'
Link: DO YOU?!? Better say YES, DAMMIT!
>>She looked up with pure desire in her eyes
Zelda: “Ow. Ow! I need some Visine!”
Link: “Tilt your head back. I can’t see anything.”
Zelda: “It’s IN there! Ow!”
>>and whispered needily into his mind
Rauru: “...Get me a coffee! And that magazine! And listen to me complain about my hairdresser! And massage my feet! And tell me I’m pretty! And...”
Zelda: “...I beg of you...end my suffering...”
>>as she moved her head up and down his member.
DED: Y’know they call ‘em members, but I never see ‘em memb...Oh, there they go.
>>Her hands tightened around his hips as she was moving as fast as she could.
Link: Suck, suck, suck, as fast as you can, you can’t blow me, I’m the Gingerbread Man! Because I have no gingerbread penis! It’s sad, really!
>>This yielded good results for her,
DED: What is this, a fortune cookie?
>>as his member was beginning to throb in her mouth,
Rauru: Huh. His timing belt must be off or something.
DED: It might be a faulty engine bracket. Does it get worse at highway speed?
>>she diligently drove his dick into her mouth
Zelda: Yup, just call me the Diligent Dick Driver.
>>knowing that he was to reach his climax at any moment.
Rauru: At any moment, past or future? That’s not very helpful knowledge.
>>And indeed not too long later he let out a loud groan,
Zelda: Witness their electrifyingly predictable lovemaking! Thrill as orgasms occur well within the expected timeframes!
>>gave her golden hair one last yank
DED: Thankfully he left the rest of her hairs alone.
Zelda: At least he’s yanking the golden hair on my head.
>>and climaxed inside of her. He seemed to have done at the perfect moment as only the head of his dick was inside her mouth at the time.
Rauru: I...don’t really see how that makes it the perfect moment, but I guess I wouldn’t really know.
DED: Forget perfect, is there a good moment to get a mouthful of baby batter?
Link: Oh, oh, I know: Right at the moment just after she’s gotten everyone’s attention at a banquet by tapping on a champagne glass and is about to start speaking.
>>His member realeasing copious amounts of jizz in her maw.
DED: “His member realeasing copious amounts of jizz in her maw.” That is exactly what I’d write if I had the job of writing those descriptive titles of porn videos you see on porn-aggregator websites.
Rauru: “You” see.
DED: Well, that one would see. I assume. Not that I would know or anything. Ahem.
Zelda: Dude, no one cares that you look at porn. I’m just weirded out by the fact that you aspire to be the one who writes the titles.
DED: I don’t ASPIRE to it, I was just...never mind!
>>She moaned around the head of his penis as it sprayed its load of white, hot semen into her.
Link: White-hot semen?! Oh GOD, what have I done?!?
>>She sucked on it, hoping to catch every single drop.
DED: Yeah well hope isn’t the only thing that springs eternal IF you know what I mean!
>>She swallow it greedily
Rauru: That’s not greed, it’s gluttony. Trust me I know.
>>and savored its salty taste as he continued empty himself into her mouth.
Link: He continued, empty himself, into her mouth. A husk of a man, not sure if he was living or dead, unmoored from reality forever.
>>Once his orgasm was over, she gave his still solid cock a few licks
DED: O, that this too, too solid flesh would melt...
>>before, pulling it out of her mouth. His lossened his grip around her hair,
Zelda: Then he better titen it up again.
DED: This author seems to have lossened their grip on the English language, and possibly sanity in general.
>>before letting go and in turn she released her hold on his hips.
Rauru: That’s right, everyone calm down, back away slowly. No one has to die today.
>>She took a couple of deep breaths
Link: Well give them back, they don’t belong to you!
>>as the blowjob she had just given him somewhat took its toll on her.
Zelda: You have no idea.
>>But she was doing comparatively better then Link
DED: I mean, she is richer, more powerful, and featured in the title of the game and everything...
>>who was panting heavily, with his chest heaving up and down, utterly exhausted.
Zelda: Oh sure because he was working SO HARD just now.
>>Or maybe not.
Rauru: Who knows? Who cares?
>>As his cock was still rock hard.
Link: While my guitar gently weeps.
>>She sat up and was very happy to see this. She smiled widley,
DED: Doctor Widley? Creator of the 8 Robot Madsters?
>>knowing that the real fun was about to begin...
Zelda: Not for us, thank God. I’m outta here. I’m starting to sober up and it scares me.
DED: That was nice and short, relatively uncomplicated, and written so incompetently it’s almost...refreshing.
Rauru: Yeah, like a slap in the face is.