In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space
We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:
Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “Cinéma vérité!”
Rauru! “Face to face, out in the heat! Hangin’ tough, stayin’ hungry!”
Zelda! “Orbis non sufficit!”
Link! “Is string theory about the cheese?”
If you don’t get how he stays alive
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!
“Chiaroscuro Suite” by Mertiya
>>"It's probably too dark to go in tonight," Midna said.
DED: Hey, sweet! The penetration’s called off due to darkness!
Rauru: So can we...go, or...?
>>Her voice was still slightly shaky.
Link: CUT! Cut! God damn it, Midna, what did I tell you about showing up drunk to the shoot?
Zelda: Does that apply to us?
Link: Nah, knock yourself out.
Zelda (filling a tumbler full of scotch): Waaaay ahead of you.
>>"Sorry, Wolfy. You'll have to stick it out for a little longer."
DED: “Just keep sticking it out until it’s no longer dark, and then it can go in tonight.”
>>Link tried to shrug, and Midna made a soft, accusatory noise.
Rauru: I tried to care, and Zelda made a soft, accusatory noise.
>>He turned his head to look back at her and saw her sliding off his back.
DED: In the event of a water landing, emergency slides will deploy on the left and right of the wolf. Proceed in an orderly fashion, and remember that your seat can be used as a flotation device.
>>She landed heavily and grabbed his fur to steady herself,
Link: Oh sure, grab a big-ass handful and yank on that shit, that’s not painful at ALL.
>>and he found he was whining anxiously again.
Rauru: He’s sensed that he’s starring in yet another sex fic with Midna, and he’s going to be anxious pretty much continuously.
>>"I'm fine," Midna said,
Zelda: “I mean I just pulled out a fistfull of your fur, but I’m fine, it didn’t hurt me a bit.”
>>but her voice was a little too questioning to be reassuring.
DED: Or maybe she just talks like a valley girl?!
>>Link nosed at her back.
Link: Yeah, you know, I nosed her. With my nose.
DED: Well, who “““““““nose””””””” what the author meant by that! Hyuk hyuk hy-OW!
Zelda: Swear to GOD, Dave...
>>"Oh, back off. Stop worrying. I just need some rest."
Rauru: “You and your compassion can go straight to hell!”
DED: With those human lips and vocal cords that he has, because he is a human, an animal capable of sighing, which is something that, say, a wolf could not do.
Link: ...No, I am a wolf.
DED: Yeah, I know, I was being—
Link: Like she calls me “Wolfy,” I think that means that I’m a—
DED: YES I KNOW SHUT UP!
Link: Then why did you say—
DED: MY DRY IMPECCABLE WIT WILL NOT BE QUESTIONED BY THE LIKES OF YOU!!!
>>and padded up to a hollow between the roots of a large tree.
Rauru: And wouldn’t you know it, it’s right next to the noisy ice machine, and it’s a smoking room because it’s all they had left.
>>Covered in moss, the little depression looked surprisingly inviting.
Zelda: I, too, have been invited into a depression at the thought of yet more wolf-on-imp action.
DED: Hello darkness my old friend...
>>He looked back, trying to gesture with his nose to Midna,
Link: *LIE. DOWN. HERE. LIE DOWN...you fucking dumbass. Yes. Here. LIE. HERE. LIE...Christ.*
Zelda: “Gee, Wolfy, I wonder what you might be thinking...”
Link: *LIE THE FUCK D—you are a reeeeeeeal piecea shit, Midna.*
>>who came hobbling over, her visible eye half-shut.
Rauru: Cripes, she is drunk or something.
Zelda: Guys, she’s forced to hang around with Link all the time.
Zelda (draining the whole tumbler): *glug glug glug* ...Don’t you fucking even.
DED: Does it now.
>>Let's get some sleep."
Rauru: Oh sure, toss on enough exposition and we’ll all be asleep.
>>She yawned and stretched, and Link's gaze followed the dark patches on her body with relief.
Link: “I’m so relieved she didn’t go through with the anal bleaching. I mean that was just a bridge too far.”
>>She was no longer drained of color,
Zelda: Oh thank goodness, she’s no longer in...black and white...wait.
>>and her breathing was easier.
DED: Fuckin’ casual. I do all my breathing through a coffee stirrer. It’s the Dark Souls of breathing.
>>He paced around in a circle several times, which felt oddly natural.
Zelda: Yeaaaah, that’s—
Link (running around in circles): WOOOOOOOPwoopwoopwoopwoop!
>>He'd vaguely noticed that he was picking up some of the wolf's instincts,
Rauru: Sniffing butts, licking balls, loud howling, urinating on every available object...
>>but wasn't sure if he had started out with them, or if they had grown over time.
Zelda: Yeah see—
Link (running around in circles): HOWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WOO WOO WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
>>After the third circle,
DED: Oh yeah, the freezing swamp where the slothful and gluttonous mindlessly gnaw, pelted by a rain of filth.
Rauru (eating dripping burritos in each hand): Eh?
DED: But see, those that fornicate with beasts, like Midna here, are gonna end up with the sodomites and usurers in the burning desert where snowflakes of fire ceaselessly—
Zelda: Yeah okay shut up.
>>Link threw himself down on the moss with a huff.
Link: I think his disdain speaks for all of us.
>>Midna, yawning again, lay down against his side, her small body curling into his.
Rauru: Oh, like the dead Tauntaun.
DED: I thought they smelled bad...on the outside!
>>Link squirmed around, ignoring her protests,
Link: Hear, hear!
>>and drew her closer until he could feel her heartbeat against his chest.
Zelda: Feel it slow...and stop.
DED: Geez Zelda, gettin’ dark.
Zelda: You mean you don’t want to kill Midna?
DED: But she’s a comedy goldmine!
It was still dark, but Midna was awake.
Rauru: Still to dark to go in tonight. What a shame.
Link: I’ll just have to stick it out until it’s time to go in...
>>A stray paw had kicked her in the back of the neck,
Link: Man, at LAST, the abuse shoe is on the other paw!
DED: Tonight, on Mixed Metaphor Theater...
>>and she turned around to complain at her clumsy companion. He wasn't awake.
Zelda: I don’t see how that’s gonna stop her.
Rauru: We live in hope.
>>Link's eyes were shut, his feet making little abortive running motions,
DED: A noble effort to escape from this story, but not good enough my friend.
>>and he was whining softly.
Zelda: And again, this—
Link (whining softly): I duhwannaaaaaaaaaaa…
Zelda: I HAVEN’T EVEN ASKED YOU TO DO ANYTHING!
>>"Wolfy." She nudged him gently in the side with her foot, and he yelped. "Wolfy! Wake up!"
Rauru: “You need to be awake while I yell at you! WAKE UP!”
>>The bright blue eyes snapped open, and he bolted upright.
Link: “WHAT! What is it! What’s the emergency! What evil must I vanquish! What heroic deeds—”
Zelda: “You poked my head and that annoyed me so I woke you up to bitch about it.”
>>For a moment, he stared at her, and then, bulling forward so suddenly she couldn't react, pounced.
DED: OH MY GOD YES.
Link: AT LONG LAST, MY VENGEANCE IS AT HAND!
Zelda: Oh please tell me this story is X-rated because of intense violence and gore...
>>Midna squeaked as she was catapulted onto her back, as a large paw clumsily came down on one leg.
Zelda: Rape is okay too! Let’s see some role reversal! I love it!
DED: Um...I think maybe our hatred of Midna has gone too fa—
Zelda: SHE IS THE ARCHITECT OF MY SUFFERING AND I WILL SEE JUSTICE DONE!
DED: But surely it’s—
Zelda: I HAD TO LITERALLY DIE ON BEHALF OF THAT CREPUSCULAR BITCH YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!!!
>>"What do you think you're doing, you idiot?" she snapped.
Rauru: You guys have gone nuts.
Zelda: YOU DIDN’T STAR IN A GAME WITH HER YOU FAT BASTARD!
Rauru: Fair point.
>>Link paid no attention to her outburst,
Link: I try not to, but god damn, it wears you down.
>>instead pushing his nose into her face and starting to sniff.
DED: Ahh, the sweet scent of her anger and frustration. Drink deep.
>>"Cold nose!" Midna exclaimed. "Cold nose!"
Link: Fat ass! On my back! All the time!
>>Link continued to ignore her attempts to push him away,
Rauru: Yeah, I guess this is what happens when you push someone until they snap.
Zelda: Oh my GOD, TELL me about it.
>>and sniffed down her face, her neck, across her chest—"Hey!" Midna protested again
Link (autotune voice): Gurl I’mma smell yo titties. Shawty lemmie sniff them jugs.
Rauru: Oh no, she’s upset that he’s smelling her chest, where her breasts would be if she had any worth speaking of.
>>—until he paused with his nose just over her heart and gave a huge sigh.
DED: Guys, I swear wolves should not be able to sigh.
Zelda: What about humans transmogrified into wolves?
DED: Well you tell me, I would think the specifics of magical transformations would be more YOUR bailiwick.
Zelda: ...I’ll baili YOUR wick!
DED: That doesn’t even make sense.
Zelda: ...I’ll even YOUR sense!
>>"Are you seriously checking if my heart is still beating?" she asked incredulously.
Link: So he can smell her heart beating?
Zelda: Can you smell my heart beating? Do you understand, do you smell the same? Am I only dreaming...
Rauru: Ah cripes, she’s drunk again.
Link: You say that as if it was news, Rauru.
Zelda (drunken warbling): ...or is this burning...annnnn eternaaaallll...FLAAAAAAAAAAME!
>>Link gave her a sideways look and rubbed his paw over his face as if to say, "Well, I was worried about you."
DED: Yeah, but...she’s moving, she’s talking, she’s hurling abuse...I’d say she is indubitably alive.
Rauru: That’s dumb, even for Link.
>>"Oh, go back to sleep," Midna scolded.
Link: YOU WOKE ME UP!!!
>>Link huffed out a long, trembling breath,
DED: Which I guess is somehow different from the sighing that he was doing, earlier.
Zelda: You’re really hung up on this.
DED: It’s haunting me.
>>and lay back down, curling around her back and pulling her close.
Rauru: I’ve heard of having a monkey on your back, but THIS is RIDICULOUS!
>>A cold nose brushed up the back of her neck,
Link: I wonder whose nose it was…
>>and she squeaked and giggled, and then she felt his tongue lathing over her hair.
DED: Lathing. Like a lathe.
DED: A machine that scrapes layers off of wood. A lathe.
DED: Over her hair. Her whole hair, which is like two and a half feet long.
>>"I'm fine," she said again, tweaking his nose with her hair.
Link: Uh, excuse me ma’am, but that nose is a complex and highly sensitive sensory organ, thousands of times more effective than a human nose. And at the moment it’s fairly critical to the quest to save the world, so, yeah, you mighta fucked up.
>>"Go back to sleep, Wolfy."
Zelda: “So I can wake you up again.”
>>Link rubbed woefully at his nose,
Rauru: Your rubbing is woeful I tell you! You’re gonna have to get it up to snuff for later in this story or you’re finished! FINISHED!
>>trying to get the stink of medicine out of it.
DED: Yeah, “medicine,” some dank WEEEEEED medicine! Woo!
Link: What the hell do YOU know about weed, nerd?
DED: Come on, I’m hep to the jive! I know all about “the reefer” and “the dank nugs” and “the Mary Ganja,” fellow youths!
>>Having retrieved the wooden statue for Ilia, he would have been feeling quite proud of himself, were it not for the pain his nostrils were in.
Zelda: And were it not for the fact that delivering a wooden statue to someone is, compared to his other achievements, not really all that awe-inspiring.
>>The smell was frankly disgusting.
Link: As disgusting as, I dunno, a wolf and a midget hatefucking? Because, y’know, that’s about to happen.
Rauru: I’m thrilled our story is offering us so many disgusting things to read about.
>>He whimpered, wondering if dunking his nose in water would get rid of it,
Link: ...rid of his nose?
>>or even if turning back into a human would.
DED: Maybe if he turned into a capybara...
Zelda: What about a jellyfish? They don’t even have noses.
>>"What's the matter, Wolfy?"
Link: Oh my GOD, where do I start?
>>Midna asked, bouncing up and down on his back.
Rauru: “What’s the matter, Wolfy? You seem upset! I’d better fucking pound your vertebrae with my ass to help!”
>>He turned around to give her an irritable look
DED: But all he had was an irritable bowel.
>>and sneezed instead. The acrid smell of the medicine went up his nostrils and into his mouth,
Zelda: Isn’t that, like, exactly the OPPOSITE of what a sneeze does?
>>and he tried to spit, but couldn't manage it with his wolf's anatomy.
DED: An anatomy that has no trouble, say, sighing like a human, though.
Link: Okay enough.
>>"Oh, the medicine smelled pretty bad, didn't it?" Midna gave him an impish grin.
Zelda: “I peed in it!”
>>He growled at her briefly, then gave her his, "all right, now turn me back into a human," look.
Rauru: An elaborate series of facial spasms that lasts for 2 or 3 minutes.
>>Midna smiled brightly. "Do you want something, Link?" she asked.
Link: Oh, nothing that you could possibly provide.
>>He glared at her, tail lashing in irritation.
DED: Unable to speak, he couldn’t give her a tongue-lashing, so a tail-lashing will have to suffice.
Rauru: I’m sure there’s be some form of tongue-lashing this story.
>>"Aw, doggy, you're wagging your tail! You must be happy!"
>>He whined. Midna smirked.
DED: Grass grows, birds fly, and brotha, I hurt people!
>>Link pawed desperately at his nose, and finally turned around to sniff Midna herself,
Link: Wow, even Midna-stank is preferable?
>>on the grounds that she deserved it for refusing to turn him back.
Rauru: Oh, sure, the ol’ “I condemn you to a lifetime in the body of an animal, you sniff me.” Fair trade.
>>She squeaked in surprise as he pushed his nose into her stomach and began to sniff.
Link: So this is my grand revenge, huh?
>>At first smelling anything but the medicine was a relief,
Zelda: There’s proooooobably something out there that smells worse.
Link: Midna might be it.
>>but then he became interested as the wolf's instinctual need to define by scent bubbled up in his brain.
Rauru: As though his brain was a delicious fondue, or a fine pilsner. Which would actually complement each other perfectly! For dipping I’d go with some French bread cubes, maybe some small celery pieces, grape tomatoes...
>>Smells from the day's travels lingered on her—dirt, sweat, leaves,
Zelda: Garlic bread, cocaine residue, stripper perfume...
>>the peculiar acrid tang of the warp—
DED: I CAN FEEL IT OVERTAKING ME! IT IS A GOOD SMELL!
>>but beneath that was a scent that was entirely her own.
Rauru: I call it “Eau D’Abuse.”
>>Link realized he'd noticed it before,
Link: It’d be hard not to, if you know what I mean.
DED: Okay, does Midna actually stink? I mean you were there, let’s have some juicy gossip.
Link: Wellllll...The thing is, both of us spent days on end tromping through swamps and sulfurous volcano mines and shit, never bathing...and deodorant doesn’t actually exist in Hyrule...so I would say neither of us smelled terrific.
>>but he had never focused on it.
Zelda: A wise strategy now foolishly abandoned.
>>It was impossible for him to put words to it,
Rauru: Because he’s a wolf.
>>or describe it even to himself,
DED: So it was basically meaningless.
>>but it gave him the faint impression of sunset and insects singing, as mischievous shadows crept across the world, turning it oddly colorless and tantalizingly liminal.
Link: Then he realized he was just sniffing her bellybutton, and probably shouldn’t be thinking about this so hard.
>>Link was faintly aware that the odor was becoming slightly muskier as he continued to investigate, but he saw no need to stop,
Zelda: Just plow headlong into awkwardness and/or destruction, that’s the Link method all right.
Link: No, you’re thinking of the L.I.N.K. System for picking up women: Lie, Inveigle, Nut, Krepeat.
>>until Midna shrieked in what sounded like indignation
Rauru: But was actually indigestion.
>>and jumped off his back.
DED: Wait, he was sniffing her stomach while she was on his back. Does his head just flop back a full 180 degrees?
>>"Bad Wolfy!" she snapped.
Link: I am both bad, and wolfy.
>>Link blinked at her in confusion and noticed that she was trembling slightly.
Zelda: She is afraid of the Big Bad Wolfy.
>>He snuffled apologetically,
DED: Oh, right.
>>still unsure as to what he'd done.
Rauru: You SNIFFED her. For God’s sake, you dope, you’re a dog, sniffing things is all you know.
>>Midna's cheeks were flushed,
Link: What happened to her boooody, we flushed it down the poooootty, and round and round it goes, and round and round it goes...
>>and there was a bead of sweat making its way down the corner of her temple.
Zelda: And then hang a left on Eye Socket Avenue, and down Cheekbone Lane...
>>She bit her lip at him, then giggled. "Or did you do that on purpose?" she asked archly.
DED: Archly? Like an archduke?
Link: Or like an arch-nemesis?
>>"You should really give a lady a little warning, though!"
Rauru: “Just say something first! Oh, right, no vocal cords. Then put it in writing! Oh, right, no thumbs.”
>>Link stared at her, and Midna huffed out an irritated breath. "You are really stupid, you know that?"
Link: NO I’M TOO DUUMMMMB
>>she said, before turning him human again and fleeing into his shadow.
Zelda: Way to take responsibility there.
>>Link scratched his head in bewilderment, before realizing that turning him human had done nothing to his nose whatsoever.
DED: He still has a wolf snout?
>>But the scent of Midna lingered in his nostrils, driving out the unpleasantness of the medicine.
Zelda: With an altogether different sort of unpleasantness.
Darkness was falling across Hyrule
Rauru: Like a bowling ball landing on a Concord grape.
>>as Link limped wearily away from the spot that the Skyloft cannon had dropped him.
Link: Where I learned the dark truth that the man-tit chickens are, in fact, the master race.
>>It was twilight again, which might have been a fitting time to end all of this,
DED: Oh yeah, absolutely, end this immediately.
>>if he hadn't been so exhausted.
Link: Given that vigorous and probably numerous sex acts are about to be forced upon me, let’s all remember that, canonically, I’m exhausted and miserable.
>>As it was, he didn't think battling a crazy king who had drowned the land in shadows and nearly killed both him and Midna
Rauru: So he’s not entirely evil, but...
>>was something he should do without a good night's sleep.
Zelda: Yeah, but neither is banging Midna, and that’s the alternative.
DED: I know which choice I’d make.
Rauru: Tell us.
>>So he cracked his neck
Link: Whoa, whoa, wait, I hanged myself?
DED: Goodbye cruel world...
>>exhaustedly from side to side and began to set about finding a good place to make camp.
Rauru: Y’know, like Liberace or Rocky Horror Picture Show. Camp.
>>Midna appeared out of his shadow once he had the campfire going
Zelda: Helpfully not helping start a fire despite her various supernatural powers.
>>and was munching on some trail rations, dancing across into his lap.
DED: ...The trail rations were dancing into his lap?
Link: Midna needs to eat? I thought she fed on pure irritation.
>>"Good evening, hero,"
DED: “Goodu evuning! Herro! Me rove you rong time!”
>>she chirped brightly, shoving her face into his.
Zelda: “Hey! Guess what! You know that lecture you gave me on personal space? It didn’t take!”
>>Link wondered if she was planning on flirting with him again.
Rauru: Or whether it was just going to be more abuse.
>>It had taken him some time to notice
DED: That she was in his lap?
>>—flirtation wasn't exactly something he'd had much experience with
Link: See, women get one look at me and the panties hit the floor, no flirtation required.
>>—but sometime around their expedition to Snowpeak, he'd begun to realize that some of her careless remarks were probably not so careless after all.
Zelda: All the pieces of the puzzle were there! She was a double agent all along!
>>Not that he'd let her realize he had figured it out—
DED: So she wouldn’t notice that he noticed her flirting?
Link: Yes, but does she notice him noticing her noticing him noticing that she’s flirting?
>>it was just too funny watching her get frustrated at his denseness.
Rauru: Yeah, secrets and lies, that’s the way to go when it comes to romance.
>>And besides, there hadn't really been a good moment.
Link: No good moments at all, pretty much ever since Midna showed up. Wonder what’s up with that?
>>"So, hero," smirked Midna. "It's such a shame you might die so pure and virginal, don't you think?"
DED: Well NOW we’re getting somewhere.
Zelda: Nowhere good, but somewhere.
>>This seemed like a good moment.
Rauru: But holy crap, it wasn’t.
Link: “So you’ll be hiring me a prostitute, then?”
>>then reached out and pulled her body closer.
DED: Hold on hold on, if it’s shame we’re talking about here, are you certain that taking the Midna way out isn’t more of a shame?
>>Midna's mouth fell open.
Zelda: “What?! I wasn’t offering, I was just making fun of you!”
>>Link took the opportunity to lean forward and kiss her cheek gently.
Rauru: Sometimes, though, when opportunity knocks, you should just pretend you aren’t home.
>>"You—you wolf!" sputtered Midna.
Link: Yeah and it’s pretty much YOUR FAULT.
>>"You've been acting like you had no idea what I was
DED: I have no idea what you are either.
>>—and you—you wolf!"
Rauru: And I’m hungry like one.
>>Link grinned at her.
Link: D’HURR, I KNOWED A THING! :D
>>Teasing Midna was fun,
Zelda: But tasing Midna would be more fun.
>>and especially gratifying because it was usually the other way around.
DED: My love is vengeance, that’s never free...
>>Not that he had any idea what to expect next,
>>and he suspected he wasn't going to keep the upper hand for long.
Rauru: When Midna bites it off.
>>He wasn't disappointed.
Zelda: Well, he’s kind of an idiot.
>>Midna grinned back at him, revealing her fangs.
Rauru: And her tartar buildup. For shame.
>>"You're in for quite the night, doggy."
Link: Wait, am I in wolf form? How am I kissing her if I’m wolf form? How do I have a lap?
DED: Are you in wolf form? It doesn’t say!
>>Link gasped as she dove for his neck,
Zelda: As would I.
>>kissing and nipping her way down,
Rauru: Pretty soon she’s kissing and nipping the ground...
>>each nibble sending a tiny jolt of pleasure through him.
Link: Hmm, tiny amount of pleasure...‘bout what I’d expect.
>>He groaned, reaching for her,
DED: “Uhhhg, god, stop, just stop. This is hopeless. I’d rather go get killed by Zant.”
>>hands hovering as he realized he would have had no idea what to do with even a normal woman,
Link: Well gee maybe I’d have more of an opportunity to play the field if I wasn’t SAVING THE WORLD every other week...
>>much less one who apparently wandered around naked at the best of times.
Rauru: And even much less one who’s three feet tall with a giant stone hat and prehensile hair.
>>Midna pulled back for a moment, licking her lips. "Confused, doggy?
Link: YEAH, you’re making me confused whether or not I’m a dog!
>>Let me help you out."
DED: Oh please God no.
>>Her hair snaked up from beneath the fragmented stone helm she always wore,
Zelda: I really have no idea why, it doesn’t do anything and it must weigh a ton.
>>and grew as it did so, pressing Link back against the rock behind him.
Link: Oh, good, great! This is exactly what I wanted.
>>He gave a startled gasp as one protrusion
Rauru: Is that another stupid British boy-band?
>>—no longer really resembling a finger—slid down the front of his trousers and coiled around his erection.
DED: So it’s full-on tentacle rape, is it? I accept your challenge!
>>The gasp turned into a moan.
Link: A moan of terror and disgust.
>>Midna giggled. "Oh my," she said. "What's this I feel?
Zelda: “It’s gross. I’mma tear it off.”
>>This thing is so big, Link. I'm pretty sure it won't fit inside little old me."
DED: Wow, holy shit, someone who actually realized what a logistical nightmare this is.
Rauru: Oh man guess we’ll have to call off the sex what a shame I’m devastated.
>>Link tried to make a noise of disappointment, but it came out as more of a groan
DED: Um, a groan usually is a noise of disappointment, or at least some kind of duress.
>>as he bucked into the softness of her hair. "I guess we'll just have to improvise," Midna said cheerfully.
Zelda: “Don’t worry, I’ll fashion you an improvised Fleshlight from that rotting half-eaten deer carcass we saw a ways back. That’s what wilderness survival is all about!”
>>"If that's all right with you, Wolfy?"
Link: Well...that kind of depends, doesn’t it?
>>She finished by putting a finger on her lip in a half-mocking expression.
Rauru: All of Midna’s actions are guaranteed to be at least 50% mockery.
DED: Now is that by weight or by volume?
Rauru: Shut up, nerd, I’m just making a joke. Christ.
DED: B-but I was just following up on the joke, you don’t have to be so—
Rauru: You make me SICK!
>>Link nodded so hard he felt as if his head were going to fall off.
Zelda: And then, moments later, it did.
>>Midna somersaulted forward over her hair,
Link: Does she ever lose control of her hair? Was she ever in control of her hair? Is her hair the real Midna, and her body just a husk, animated by a hideous hair-asite?
DED: Some things Man was not meant to know.
>>winding up supporting herself just in front of his face.
Zelda: Like a punching bag.
Link: Oh-so-temptingly like a punching bag.
>>With another grin, she gestured with her hands, and the dark patches on her skin over her legs and breasts melted away,
Rauru: Well, she’s Japanese, I guess it figures she’d have some decensoring magic.
>>leaving teal skin, nipples, and a thin patch of orange hair between her legs.
Link: So, wait, she has a magic spell that dissolves clothes?! Why didn’t she tell me! That would have been so much fun!
>>Link stared. Midna stretched, her breasts jiggling slightly.
Zelda: In the sense that her breasts, such as they are, are very slight.
>>"Your mouth's open, idiot," she said.
DED: “Are you really going to break the whole silent protagonist thing, this late into the game?”
>>"Wanna put that tongue to good use instead of just drooling all over the place?"
Link: Um, no?
>>Again, Link nodded eagerly, reaching out with an arm that was promptly pinned back down by her hair.
Rauru: Crushing his bones into a fine powder.
>>Midna's legs brushed his face as she moved forward,
DED: FLASH KICK!
>>positioning herself directly above him, a wave of her scent moving across him.
Zelda: The stink of patchouli oil trying and failing to disguise the pernicious B.O.
>>Link felt his eyes sliding shut
>>and wondered briefly if he would have been so captivated by this if he had never taken the form of a wolf.
DED: This sort of implies that Link isn’t in wolf form. Sort of.
>>Midna squirmed closer, her thighs hugging his face,
Rauru: So she’s a...facehugger?
Link: I knew it!
>>in a way that shook her body and the hair around Link's erection.
DED: I whip my hair back and forth! I whip my hair back and forth! I—
Zelda: I command you to stop on pain of death.
>>He moaned, and she squeaked in response,
Rauru: And a moaning, squeaking, chittering, guttural hellish cacophony rang out long into the night.
>>before he clumsily stuck out his tongue and tried to thrust it into her.
Link: An amateur move, easily parried. Come on, I’m better than that.
>>"Not like that, you idiot," said Midna, after a moment,
DED: Look Midna, you’re the one on thin ice here, what with your anatomical inability to accommodate Link’s dick. So you shut your sass-hole.
>>the hand around him going still. He gasped in disappointment. "Lick it."
Rauru: When a problem comes along, YOOOOOOU MUST LICK IT!
>>As Link struggled to comply,
Zelda: What, he’s struggling to lick? Even a baby could do that.
DED: Well, not precisely this.
>>she continued, her voice breathy and trembling.
Link: Wow, she managed to make her voice even more annoying.
>>"A—a little huh-higher—yes, there."
Zelda: “...is what I’d say, if you were even REMOTELY competent...”
>>The softness of her hair turned slick against him,
Link: HER HAIR HAS TURNED AGAINST ME! KILL IT!
>>and he felt a noise bubble out of his mouth.
Rauru: What noise? Did it convey any meaning at all, or was it just more words tumbling aimlessly out of his cakehole? Who cares? It’s Link!
>>Midna moaned, loud and ecstatic,
DED: And shrill and annoying.
>>above him. Link's hips bucked as he continued to move his tongue,
Link: Oh, yeah, my hips and my tongue are controlled by the same muscle.
>>trying to concentrate,
Zelda: Lol, sure.
>>his senses trying to process too many stimuli all at once.
Link: Like that time I tried to lacquer Zelda’s chair but there was this really annoying bird chirping and Zelda was wearing this really distracting colorful floral dress and the fumes were making me dizzy.
Rauru: How’d that go?
Zelda: Take a wild guess.
>>The warmth of Midna's body and the taste of her—
DED: Rauru, don’t you even start.
>>salt and musk and the same Midna scent he had smelled as a wolf—
Zelda: —Combined to quickly overpower him with nausea.
>>the way her body moved against him and the sound of her soft little squeaking moans
Link: ...was really annoying.
>>—the touch of her hair slick and soft against his lower body.
DED: Like titty-fucking a giant slug.
>>"Much better," Midna said approvingly.
Zelda: “I mean not good, far from it, but...”
>>"Oh!" Fluttery little tongue motions worked best, Link was discovering.
Link: For every problem.
>>She was moving with him now,
Rauru: Um, yeah, following him everywhere he goes...
>>hips rocking back and forth, the brush of her skin against his face almost as tantalizing as the touch of her hair.
DED: And, like Tantalus himself, he’s suffering the torment of the damned.
>>"Hah," he breathed into her,
Link: “HAH! I scoff at you!”
>>paused to give his tongue a break,
Rauru: Yeah, even I have to sometimes rest my tired tongue.
DED: When you’re eating pussy?
>>and kissed the spot between her legs that seemed the most sensitive.
Zelda: And yet, I feel so empty...
DED: Please believe me! I’ll, never, do you, no harm...
>>she squeaked enthusiastically, bouncing up and down on his face.
Link: I’m thrilled.
>>The cry was almost immediately followed by her usual impish giggle.
Rauru: Do you really need to say it’s “impish” when it’s coming from an ACTUAL imp? Like, wouldn’t that be like saying “He let out a humanish laugh?”
>>"Hehe, good dogs deserve treats, don't they?"
Link: So, wait, I’m not in wolf form, but she’s still calling me Wolfy and saying I’m a dog?
Zelda: Well this is Midna, are you really surprised?
Link: I just honestly can’t figure out if I’m a man or a dog in this sex scene, and it’s weirding me out.
>>Link nodded, trailing his tongue across her, and she moaned again.
DED: And so on, and so forth, and you can see how this all adds up to a sex scene, I think we can maybe skip...
>>He felt the hair between his legs part,
Zelda: What, is Moses parting his pubes?
>>one slick extrusion winding up his thigh and penetrating him from behind.
DED: I guess it’s not too dark to go in tonight.
>>Link shouted in surprise and a little alarm, and it paused. "Let me try something, and if you don't like it, I'll stop,"
Zelda: Well THIS is new!
Link: Couldn’t she have asked me this BEFORE she rammed her horrible eldritch tentacle up my cornhole?!
>>Midna said, sounding slightly subdued.
Rauru: So somehow letting her physically restrain you and finger your butthole has made her LESS thoughtlessly abusive. I have to admit, that’s counter-intuitive.
Link: Pfff, woman logic.
>>Cautiously, Link nodded again, and the tentacle moved again, slower this time.
DED: Good! Or, bad, or something. Hell I dunno.
>>The feeling of something inside him was foreign,
Rauru: Hon hon hon eet eez zee téntacle, howyousay, fuque in le butte, ho ho...
>>but not unpleasant, after the initial shock.
Zelda: And after the subsequent shocks, and after the ongoing pain and bizarreness, so pretty much after it was completely over.
>>The tentacle moved around, questing as if it were looking for something.
DED: What, her keys?
Link: This is...not a quest that I would accept.
>>Link wondered what exactly Midna was trying to do.
Rauru: Does there...need to be an ulterior motive?
>>He stopped wondering in the next minute, as the tentacle brushed against something he hadn't been aware of until that moment.
DED: And Midna knew to do this...how?
>>Link shouted again and bucked, lost in sensation,
Zelda: Link could get lost inside a phone booth, though, so that’s not really exceptional.
>>the entirety of his being narrowing to that point inside himself,
Link: The entirety of my being narrowing to a spot inside my butthole. Um, no thanks?
>>enveloped in the scent and sense of Midna all around,
DED: Now I’m not saying she’s fat, but...
>>the safety of a warm shadow on a summer's night.
Rauru: Yeah, shadows, well known for providing safety. Truly, being unable to see confers the greatest security you could ask for.
>>Two more motions, two more movements hanging in a void of heat, two more heartbeats held together
DED: Two more clauses appended to this sentence, two more phrases that mean little and fill space...
>>—and everything disappeared in a wash of white.
>>Link's breath hitched
Rauru: Still not a real phrase, but, I suppose, an acceptable substitute.
>>as his spinning mind settled itself slightly.
Zelda: No no, spinning by definition implies some degree of stability. His mind is more, I dunno, “flailing.”
DED: Oh, good one.
>>Midna was still squeaking and moving desperately on top of him,
Link: Oh, well, that’s easily dealt with.
Rauru: Still squeaking and moving desperately, like a swarm of rats trapped in a burning barn.
>>and he managed to redouble his efforts with his tongue, despite the lethargy sweeping through his limbs.
Link: Well, they don't call me “the beast of legend” for nothin’.
>>After only another moment or two, she let out a long-drawn-out cry
DED: That punctuation is just-no-good.
>>and let herself sag,
Zelda: Girl needs some serious nip/tuck, pronto.
>>sliding down his face as she carefully withdrew her hair from its various locations around his body.
Rauru: Look, story, the time to be coy about sexual details passed right about the time you expected the reader to start masturbating.
>>He caught her as she fell and the two of them tumbled to the ground in front of the fire together,
Link: An act as clumsy and awkward as the sex itself.
>>Link pulling her more tightly into his arms. "Not so pure anymore, huh, hero?" Midna asked cheerfully.
Zelda: “Fuck your chastity! Fuck it right in the ass! Which is what I just did, to you! To your ass! I fucked it! Ha ha!”
>>In answer, Link kissed her nose and then her mouth,
DED: Like usual, his “answer” containing no actual useful information.
>>and she wriggled with pleasure between his arms.
Rauru: A lesser man would assume she was struggling to escape, but nope, Link’s certain it's pleasure.
Link: How could it not be?
>>"You idiot," she said lazily. "You idiot."
DED: So we’re back to this, then, are we?
Link: Well, it was good while it—okay, no, it was a little less horrible while it lasted, I guess.
Zelda: Well, it was differently horrible while it lasted.
>>He kissed her again, the tips of her ears, her mouth, each finger.
Rauru: We’re gonna be here a while...
>>"Idiot," Midna yawned one final time,
DED: It must be love!
Zelda: Come on, Midna, you settled for him…
Rauru: So did you, though.
Zelda: Yes, but I have a civic obligation to keep him from causing havoc.
Link: And I have a civic duty...to supply dat booty! I got a mandate to take you on a man date! I’ll fill-i your buster and gerrymander yo’ panties to the FLOOR! I—
Zelda: —You will SHUT UP BEFORE I STRANGLE YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS I SWEAR TO GOD!
>>before lying still. Link lay and dozed as the twilight around them turned slowly into night, the day slipping from light into shadows.
Link: And so, during my climactic confrontation with Zant, the horribly vivid memory of Midna’s nightmare cooter would keep imposing itself on my mind like an acid flashback, and I was brutally killed.
Rauru: Congrats, Zant, your sleeper agent Midna successfully ruined Hyrule and its champion.
Zelda: Ah well, you were the one who succumbed to the Faustian seduction of the otherworldly maleficent imp. I’d be shocked if you or your dick weren’t cursed in some eldritch fashion.
DED: Yeah, y’know, let’s just give this one to the bad guys. Neither of the good guys could keep it in their pants, and really, what kind of message would it send if they were to triumph in spite of their gross perversity?
Link: Better to serve in Heaven than rule in the Kingdom of Midna Tentacle Rape.