Thursday, March 31, 2016

“Green-eyed Dragon” by saiyuri-dahlia

In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space

We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:

Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “And...action!”
Rauru! “I’m still in a dream, Steak Eater!”
Zelda! “Honi soit qui mal y pense."
Link! “You are all free now!"
If you don’t get how he stays alive
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!

“Green-eyed Dragon” by saiyuri-dahlia

>>He was here.

Link: Sure am.


DED: Yep. Never gets any easier, does it?

Zelda: God, no.

>>He had no reason or right to be here but he was

Rauru: I know, right? What did I ever do to deserve this?

>>and Link, the grinning idiot,

Zelda: Whoa, this is uncanny.

>>was far too soft to tell him to leave.

Link: Okay, okay, this CAN'T be talking about us here in the theater. Because I am TOTALLY not too soft. I am cut like diamond, rigid and turgid and stiff like, um...something....not a boner. Yeah.

>>Volga stood to the far side of the room

DED: That’s a bit ungrammatical, but that’s such an evocative image. The mighty Volga, longest river in Europe, winding through the dark forests of Russia: the perfect setting for this tale of sensuality and intri—

Rauru: No, it’s the CHARACTER named Volga.

DED: Buh?

Rauru: The guy from Hyrule Warriors? Has a spear? Turns into a dragon?

DED: ...Is that like a personification of the river...?

Rauru: Oh for FUCK’S sake.

>>and leaned against the inside of the open doorway leading into another hospital room, empty for now.

Zelda: Until I get through with him.

>>His arms crossed over his chest,

Link: I wish them luck on their journey!

>>Volga stood scowling as he heard Link's unwanted, unneeded admirer jabber and prattle on about useless things.

Rauru: Um, are you sure this is Link’s admirer we’re talking about here, or Link himself?

>>Mostly about how wonderful Link was.

Link: I fail to see the problem here.

>>"I knew you were going to be something special,"

DED: “I saw your face on the box art!”

>>the giddy-headed guard grinned with pink on his cheeks.

Zelda: Oh no, he ate Kirby!

DED: Oh, cruel irony!

>>"You were always top of the class in combat training."

Rauru: When the curriculum is violence, Link gets straight As.

Link: Whoa whoa whoa, what is “curriculum?” Is that like a disease?

Zelda: No, it’s a guideline for education.

Link: ...So it is a disease.

>>As he heaped on yet another sickly-sweet admiration,

DED: Aw man, the Annoying Fan from Bethesda’s games has migrated.

>>Link smiled sheepishly

Zelda: ...and sheeped smilishly.

>>and rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment.

DED: He rubbed the Annoying Fan?

Rauru: What? No.

DED: But that’s what it says.

Rauru: But obviously the author means—

DED: “HE heaped admiration, Link smiled and rubbed HIS head.” It’s the same “he.”

Rauru: But—


Zelda: Wow, somehow you are being both a bully AND a nerd.

>>Link's blush was starting to spread from his cheeks to his neck

Link: Oh yeah, people always remark on my red glowing neck.

>>and with more and more praise, it would travel and spread across his chest.

DED: I would diagnose that as some kind of positive-reinforcement rash, not a blush.

>>Volga clenched his jaw tightly in disgust.

Rauru: “These hospital meals are simply DISGUSTING!”

>>The guard clearly loved seeing Link so uncomfortable, so humble…so weak.

Zelda: A common affliction of the grasping lower orders.

DED: Not a problem for you, though?

Zelda: Why would it be? Compared to me, everyone is humble and weak.

>>He was not some shy, love-struck lass and yet this fool reduced Link to one.

Link: Are you sure you aren’t confusing “shy and love-struck” with “annoyed and very annoyed?”

>>The guard was not even that charming.

Rauru: They tend not to be, no.

>>He was plain and dopey-looking. He had a long face and a long nose and a lopsided grin.

DED: That sounds pretty distinctive, actually.

Link: Yeah, that’s a face I’d take note of as I snuck past him while he did an idiotically terrible job of guarding something.

>>His face and presence was absolutely overlookable, forgettable, and replaceable with any of the other fodder soldiers.

Zelda: Great, good, thanks for including such an awesome character in your story.

DED: Perhaps the author is writing for a Victorian periodical and is getting paid by the word.

Rauru: Man if Queen Victoria read a story about gay buttsex with Link and Volga, she would plotz.

>>The man was not a warrior.

DED: Yes but you see the title of the game is “Hyrule Warriors,” so he probably, y’know, is.

Link: What are the qualifications, anyway? I mean he’s a guy in an army.

Zelda: That makes him a soldier, though. Not a warrior.

Rauru: So maybe Volga is right?

Link: Hold on, hold on, what if he does some looting and pillaging on the side?

DED: Soldiers still do that. I mean if he went so far as to become lawless and fearsome, well...nah, then he’d be more of a marauder, or a reaver.

Link: Or a barbarian?

Zelda: No no, barbarian is more of a cultural designation than a strictly martial one. That’s a whole ‘nother kettle of fish.

Link: This stuff is HARD.

>>He was a worm that dared to take up a sword.

DED: Lowly Worm’s Bloodiest Day Ever.

>>Whatever insignificant post he guarded, any other insect could easily take his place

Rauru: Y’know, like a cicada or a milkweed beetle.

>>if he happened to go missing. Or was found dead.

Zelda: Or stubbed his toe. Or found a quarter between the sofa cushions.

>>"So…umm…your arm looks better today," the guard said,

Link: Uh, yeah, my guns look better than anyone else’s, EVERY day.

>>offering a tiny, timid but hopeful smile

DED: It’s tiny, it’s timid, we’re all a little livid...

Link: ...On Porny Poon Adventures, get some gay pornography!

>>as the boy's fairy bobbed and fluttered about, voicing her agreement.

Zelda: Using a type of Morse code based on “Hey!” and “Listen!”

>>Volga snorted at his stupidity.

Rauru: Link’s stupidity, the guard’s stupidity, or his own stupidity?

DED: Or, “D. All of the above?”

>>It ought to be better.

Zelda: What, this story? I dunno, with the premise we're working off of I wouldn't expect any great shakes.

>>The healers, on the battlefield and within the city's high stone walls,

Link: ...They built the healers into the walls?!

>>had been forcing potions down his throat,

DED: Oh yeah, the cutting edge of medical science.

Rauru: Look man, when you have magic potions that cure any injury, it is.

>>poking purified blades, and channeled the will of their gods

Zelda: Man, tense agreement is hard, you gotta remember what tense it is, and then there are all these clauses, and you just forget.

>>into his left arm for nearly a week now.

DED: Odd, given that he’d injured his right arm, but...

>>It had looked much worse

Link: Maybe poking it with blades wasn't such a great idea.

>>and it was still swollen and red around the cut itself

Rauru: Did they try, I dunno, a bandage?

>>but Moblins no longer confused his arm for one of their young anymore.

Zelda: Based on an extensive survey conducted by the Centers for Disease Control.

>>"It didn't hurt your sword arm, right?" the guard asked.

Link: Um, my left arm IS my sword arm.

Rauru: Yes, in most games it is.

DED: Except in the Wii version of Twilight Princess, in which they flipped the entire universe to make you right-handed.

Link: But if the universe is flipped and I'm left-handed, then I'm still left-handed, but...backwards,

Zelda: Don't think about it too hard.

>>Link demonstrated his unharmed range of motion,

Rauru: socking him in the jaw.

>>picking up the bouquet of white roses and blue delphinium flowers the guard had brought him this visit,


DED: Literally yes.

>>raising, twisting, and circling his arm back and forth, up and down, wiggling his fingers.

Zelda: Oh yeah, that's the kind of battle prowess he's famous for.

>>The dragon knight's upper lip quivered in bitter displeasure as he

Rauru: ...remembered the egg salad sandwich he'd just eaten for lunch. Way too mayonnaisey—nauseatingly so—a situation not helped by the sogginess of the bread...

>>watched the guard ogle Link's shifting arm muscles with little shame.

Link: Why would my muscles be ashamed?

>>Of course, Link was oblivious to the longing in his eyes.


Link: Look, my gaydar just isn't that strong.

Zelda: Nor is your flammable-upholstery-dar, nor your don't-wreck-other-people's-vintage-sports-cars-dar, nor your valuable-fragile-pottery-dar...

Link: Bitch, you gonna tell ME not to break pots?

>>"G-Good," the guard sputtered, punctuating his idiotic reply with an equally idiotic grin.

Rauru: To an equally idiotic person.

>>Link laid the bouquet back down on the nightstand with the other flowers

DED: Just tossin' 'em on the big festering pile in the corner.

>>in vases made up by various nurses and Agitha.

Rauru: Those dumb broads and their fictitious vases...

>>While there were gifts and get-well sentiments from his allies,

Zelda: Do they MAKE a Hallmark card for "Sorry you were wounded on the field of battle, get well soon or we will be killed by monsters"?

>>most of the flowers and stuffed creatures and candies and small cakes were from this dim bastard.

Link: If he really wanted to impress me, he'd get me something really valuable, like a Heart Piece or an empty bottle.

>>Every time he visited, which was at least four times a day,

DED: Is it not possible that the reason this guard is always around is because he's doing his job and, y'know, guarding Link?

>>he brought some sort of soft, sweet, or plush trinket

Rauru: Like a marshmallow, or a marshmallow, or a marshmallow!

>>the boy had no need for, the lot of which Link gave to the smaller humans that appeared in his doorway,

Link: These midgets just WILL NOT leave me alone!

>>eager to see the brave Hero and his fairy,

Zelda: I'm eager to see this story, like, go somewhere.

Rauru: I have a horrible sneaking suspicion that the author thought they were writing literature and not porn.

>>and to Agitha, of course,

DED: Oh man, the run-on sentence train is right on time.

>>who brought tea and her insect friends

Link: Oh yeah, I love it when she comes in and I feed my pastries to her horrible swarm of bugs.

>>and Darunia for his cakes.

DED: What the fuck even HAPPENED to this sentence? Darunia's cakes?!

>>Only an idiot would see Link giving away his gifts as a sign of interest,

Zelda: And he should know, Link is an expert in the field of idiocy.

>>as a demand for more.

Rauru: Yes, but, if he gives them away that creates a vacancy for the guard to GIVE him more.

Link: Yeah, if I really wanted him to stop, I'd stockpile all the gifts until there was literally no more room for them.

>>The guard had been in the room several times when Link gave away a gift he had just given him,

DED: Okay so yeah the guard is being pretty annoying here, but Link is also being pretty freaking tactless re-gifting stuff before he’s left the room.

Zelda: Really though, this is Link we’re talking about here.

>>praising his generous, kind heart and self-sacrificing nature

Link: Damn straight.

Rauru: Yeah, credit where it’s due, you’ve saved the world like two dozen times and never asked for any kind of reward.

Zelda: That might have more to do with Link being an imbecile than him being generous and self-sacrificing.

Link: Wait what are you guys talking about? Are you supposed to get money when you do work?

Zelda: Umm, no, don’t be silly.

Link: Yeah, that’s what I thought! Money comes from grass and jars.

>>as he brought a smile to a human whelp's face rather than greedily horde onto his gifts.

DED: Okay, okay, not only does the author mean “hoard,” as in “a dragon’s hoard,” both “horde” and “hoard” are nouns, not verbs.

>>"Your sprained ankle is a lot less swollen too.

Rauru: “And hey, that embarrassing rash seems to have cleared up! Oh and how are those boils on your buttocks?”

>>It probably won't be long until you're all better," the guard said, growing cheerful,

Link: Well, I won’t be better, I’ll be as good as I was before.

>>"and then we'll free this city from siege."

Zelda: “Maybe grab an espresso and some biscotti first. Maybe catch a play. But yeah, we’ll definitely get around to freeing the city, like, pretty soon.”

>>Volga snorted derisively.

DED: It’s very important that the reader identifies with the protagonists. You know, that the reader feels the same emotions, has the same reactions to things.

>>"You have your royal whelp,

Zelda: Excuse me?!

>>a Sheikah,

Rauru: Uh, spoilers, but Sheik is Zelda.

Link: I think they mean Impa.

Rauru: Oh right, her. I think I kind of blocked her existence out of my memory.

Zelda: I do find it funny how hard Hyrule Warriors worked to not spoil an eighteen-year-old plot twist from Ocarina of Time.

>>a fish woman, a rock beast,


>>a sword spirit, a catty imp,

Link: Yeah, great, my two favorite shrill nagging harridans in the whole wide world.

>>a little girl

Rauru: How can we lose?!

>>and an entire…army,

DED: ...and a parrrtriiiidge in a pear treeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEE!

>>I suppose that's what you are,

Zelda: That dopey guard is a one-man army? I highly doubt it.

>>but one town cannot be saved without this boy.

Link: Honestly, I’m convinced the citizenry of Hyrule couldn’t tie their own shoes without my help.

Rauru: But you can’t tie your own shoes. That’s why you wear those boots.

Link: Yeah, I wear these boots while I kill the hell out of all the marauding hellspawn so that the citizenry of Hyrule are safe and free to tie their shoes.

Rauru: Yes, yes...

>>Never have I seen such worthless soldiers."

DED: “...Since you were in here two hours ago.”

>>"They're doing the best they can," the fairy squeaked back

Zelda: Uh, yeah, that’s the problem.

>>before vanishing into Link's chest in fear of the dragon knight's flames.

Link: Yeah thanks not-Navi, hide inside my body while he incinerates it.

>>Link's frown and stern eyes expressed the same sentiment in harsher tones.

Rauru: I think the only sentiment that can express is “GRRR I AM ANGRY AND MAD.”

>>The guard sat with his head bowed and idly tapped his thumbs together.

DED: ...pretty much all day, every day.

>>"Okay, so I won't ever be strong…" he murmured,

Zelda: Yeah, we know. Can we go home?

>>too afraid to meet Volga's glare as he peered up, his eyes wet and pitiful,

Rauru: Like his pants.

>>at Link. "It's just an honor to fight beside you."

Link: It’s also a pretty easy gig for you, huh?

>>"What do you know of the honor of battle?

DED: “...It’s for chumps...?”

>>You are no warrior.

Zelda: Did he ever say he was? I mean come on, be fair...

>>Just because you stand on the same battlefield, it does not mean you fight beside him,"

Rauru: You could stand beside him, I suppose.

Link: That IS what they tend to do, I’ve noticed.

>>Volga said, baring his teeth in contempt.

DED: That’s called a smile, love. Keep trying.

>>"What do you do?

Zelda: “Um, I’m actually an actuary. So, uh, y’know...risk assessment, calculating premiums and dividends...”

>>Stand in awe as his blade fells beast after beast, including the ones right in front of you that you hesitate to strike.

Rauru: “Yeah, that!”

>>He is the Hero, yes, but your destiny lies in the dirt,

Link: “Well, before I was conscripted into this army I was a farmer, so...yeah?”

>>feeding the other worms."

DED: “Oh so you’re saying I should be a...worm farmer? Well, sure, okay, I mean I like fishing, I could raise nightcrawlers and make big money from home!”

>>Link's harsh shout caught the dragon knight's attention immediately.

Zelda: No one can ignore the SHAAAAHHT!

>>The boy sat up in bed glaring at him. He shook his head no as if to say he had said enough.

Link: Would you all just SHUT UP?!

>>Volga averted his glare to the other side

DED: Tried to run, tried to hide, GLARE ON THROUGH TO THE OTHER SIDE!

>>and grumbled irascibly to himself.

Rauru: He’s standing around in Link’s hospital room, grumbling about how...the guard is always standing around in Link’s hospital room.

>>"I suppose you are doing the best you can," Volga said

Zelda: Have you seen the Hyrule Warriors cannon fodder? I’m pretty sure they and the enemy Moblins have made a pact to just vaguely make it look like they’re fighting, nobody dies and they all take home fat paychecks.

>>as he rose up from leaning on the doorway and entered the other empty hospital room,

Link: Did someone, like, give him permission to loiter there? I’d really rather he not.

>>"…pitiful as that contribution may be."

DED: May be?

>>And still the Hero protects him,

Link: Look, if it wasn’t my job to protect idiots and losers, where would we be?

>>Volga fumed as he tossed the door closed behind him.

Rauru: What a tosser.

>>He clenched his quivering fists tightly and struggled not to trash the room.

Zelda: Whoh yeah, Link struggles a lot with that too.

>>Of what importance is he of to him?

Link: None whatsoever.

>>He is no warrior!

Link: Sure ain’t.

>>He cannot stand on equal footing as I have with him.

Link: Well yeah, you’re a boss and he’s a cannon-fodder NPC, I don’t think—

>>What draw does he have to him?

Link: NONE AT ALL! Cripes, what does he want from me?!

Zelda: Buttsex.

Link: ...Oh.

>>"I know he's supposed to be on our side now…" the guard said,

DED: Yeah, recruiting the villains, no way that could go wrong.

>>cautiously lowering his voice, though not low enough for the dragon knight to pick up,

Zelda: ...Not...low enough for...what?

DED: Can he only hear infrasound?! Is he an elephant?

>>"but I don't feel safe with him walking free."

Rauru: You’re cannon fodder. You have like two hit points. You should never feel safe.

>>The soft chimes and the sound of fluttering wings signaled the fairy had come out from hiding.

Link: Yes, good, just after the nick of time.

>>"Huh, really Link? He's not as bad as he seems?" the fairy said,

Zelda: “...he’s worse?”

>>slightly bewildered. "I don't know about that. What he said was pretty awful…"

DED: Pretty awfully true...

>>But was it not true?

DED: Yeah I just, this dude needs to clean the wax out of his ears.

Rauru: Do dragons HAVE ears?

DED: Then he needs to get some.

>>The dragon knight bared his teeth and growled low.

Zelda: Lo!

>>When has he fought beside him like a true warrior?

Link: He’s really got a one-track mind.

Rauru: “What is this, this worthless ham sandwich?! Has it ever stood proud upon the battlefield and fought like a true warrior? Pah!”

>>When has he ever had the boy's back as I have?

DED: What specific incident where he had the boy’s back is he referring to? Was it before or after he was trying to murder the boy with a torrent of dragonfire?

>>"I don't know how you do it but if you see some sort of goodness in him, I guess it has to be there."

Zelda: Or maybe...just maybe...Link is a gullible idiot?

>>Volga suppressed the urge to rip open the door and chuck one of his arm gauntlets right at the guard's empty head

Link: That’s oddly specific.

DED: No no, it’s not specific enough! His left or his right gauntlet?

Zelda: Dunno, but I’m very familiar with this particular urge.

Link: B-but your gauntlets are made of silk.

Zelda: Oh, there’s lead shot sewn into the knuckles. Remember?

>>at overhearing the thick, honey-sweet reverence in his voice.

Rauru: I could go for some thick, honey-sweet ham.

Link: And...?

Rauru (eating an enormous dripping ham): I burive I’ll acht on dat impulsh *numf grom nom*

>>It was sickening the way he cooed and coddled over the boy and Link did nothing to stop him but smile.

DED: Gosh, if only he could use words to convey his feelings and desires.

>>Volga didn't have to remain there and listen and see this fool put on for the boy's attention.

Zelda: One of the many privileges of someone with functioning legs.

Rauru: Yo, quit being so leggist.

>>Not like the dragon knight cared anyway.

DED: ...b-baka...

>>If the boy was this easily captivated, maybe he wasn't that interesting after all.

Link: Look, I’m not captivated, it’s called being polite. It’s not my fault that Volga doesn’t recognize any form of human interaction besides violent murder and smoking cocks.

>>"Not as bad as he seems. …Stupid boy,"

Rauru: “I’ve been trying for YEARS to be as bad as I seem. Why does he have to be so insensitive?!”

>>Volga murmured aloud to himself as he left the empty hospital room,

Link: Oh, so the best way to get him to bugger off is nice to him. Okay, good to know.

>>debating with himself whether it was in his power to call for an impromptu training session with the Hyrulean forces to sharpen their skills and inspire their lacking warrior's spirit,

DED: “Now, troops. When threatened, remember to unfurl your massive wings, gird your flesh in impenetrable scales, and inundate your foes with white-hot gouts of—wait, what do you MEAN they can’t turn into dragons? ...Well no WONDER we’re losing!”

>>which was purely an excuse to give Volga the chance to beat and toss around men

Zelda: I’m sure he’s intensely interested in beating off a large group of men.

>>who happened to look a lot like the guard (because most of Hyrule's fodder soldiers looked indistinguishable and interchangeable to his eyes).

Rauru: Rarely does the fact that game developers sometimes reuse the same character model feature so prominently in a story.

DED: Well, there is Majora’s Mask, which is basically entirely about that.

>>Their woman general would most likely see through his ploy but it was worth attempting.

Link: That’s my strategy and it’s never let me down.

Zelda: Yes, I have noticed the way you do stupid things that I obviously will find out about and still act as though—


>>Because if he could not rush into enemy territory, fight Hyrulean soldiers, or find someone, other than the injured boy, that could occupy his mind,

DED: All day long I think of things but nothing seems to satisfy! Think I’ll lose my mind if I don’t find something to pass it by! Can you help me...occupy my braaaaain? Ooooohh yeahhhh...

>>something in their goddess-forsaken, end-of-the-world bordertown

Rauru: Or maybe, perhaps, he could add, to this sentence, more clauses, and commas, until the sentence sounds, when read aloud, as though the reader, having just run a marathon, was exhausted, and out of breath.

Zelda: Or like you when you get winded from eating too fast.

Rauru (brandishing half-eaten turkey leg): Don’t, make fun, of me.

>>was going to be set on fire.

Link: Like a torch, or a candle wick! YEAH! Eat shit, Hyrulean army.

It was quiet in the boy's room by the time Volga returned.

Zelda: Clearly this could only be because Link was asleep.

Link: Yeah like this one time I was asleep and I was dreaming I had a pogo stick and I was loving that shit but then I looked down and realized the pogo stick was actually a kangaroo which was even more awesome so I went on an incredible adventure with my kangaroo friend but then it died and I fell into a big hole that was so scary that I woke up but I wanted to avenge my kangaroo friend so I started talking to keep the dream going and I narrated my epic quest for hours and I wandered into the drawing room where Zelda was trying to concentrate on reading some dumb treaty thing and she told me to shut up but I just incorporated her into the dream as a sexy witch who could bring my kangaroo bro back from the dead but first...

>>He peered into the open doorway and found him silently conversing with the fairy.

Rauru: Waving his hands and gesticulating like a madman.

DED: Sounds about right.

>>He caught him once again reaching up to touch his

Zelda: You better be VERY careful with where this sentence is going, story.

DED: Oh, why delay the inevitable?

>>very missing and, as far as his allies could report, unrecoverable scarf yet again, only to realize it was not there.

Link: MY FUCKING SCARF?!? That was the best thing ABOUT this game!

>>Catching sight of him in the doorway, the fairy squeaked in panic and disappeared.

Rauru: Not-Navi, on point as always.

>>Link looked to see the reason for her flight

Link: Her wings?

>>and, much to the dragon knight's confusion, he smiled at Volga as he entered his gift-laden room.

DED: Link smiled at Volga as Link entered Link’s gift-laden room.

>>"I see the fool has been here a few more times…"

Zelda: Or maybe the fool has been here all along, in his bed, gesticulating at his fairy.

>>he said, gazing about the new, larger flower bouquets, gift boxes from clothing shops in town,

Link: Annoying Fan is going to go flat fucking broke at this rate.

Zelda: Especially considering that I don’t pay the conscripts anything.

DED: ...You don’t?

Zelda: Would you?

DED: Point.

>>and plates of cookies and large cakes


Link: Seriously, I’d prefer food porn to gay porn.

>>more befitting to the human celebration of 'birthdays' than a simple get-well gesture strung about his room.

Zelda: Oh come on, you’re telling me dragons have no conception of birthday parties? Now I know that ain’t true.

DED: Oh?

Zelda: Yeah! Just last week I went to Valoo’s Sweet 7016th, it was a blast! We talked for hours in ancient eldritch tongues long forgotten by man, Volvagia showed up with Cards Against Humanity, it was great!

Link: You neglect to mention the part when you got shitfaced on “mystical dragon elixir” and threw up into the caldera of Dragonroost Island and I had to drag your unconscious body onto the King of Red Lions and take you home.

Zelda: Well yeah, that was implied.

Link: Bu—


Rauru: I mean, we could have guessed.

>>Link tilted his head to the side and sighed in embarrassment and disbelief.

Link: I can’t believe this prick won’t leave me alone, and I’m embarrassed by him thinking that he’s somehow worthy of homo-wooing me.

>>"For someone so eager to see your return to the field, he brings you so many cakes and candies.

DED: “I sure don’t want to be around when they all start rotting at the same time.”

>>Are you sure he isn't fattening you for the slaughter?"

Link: Are you sure YOU aren’t trying to talk me to death?

>>The boy smiled and scratched his cheek in uncertainty.

DED: Like remember that scene in Hamlet, where he’s agonizing over whether to pursue a bloody path of vengeance as prompted by his father’s ghost, and he scratches his cheek in uncertainty? It’s totally a trope you know.

>>Eagerly and with much haste, Link tossed aside his blankets, rolled up the left leg of his pants, and raised his leg up

Zelda: Oh COME ON!

Rauru: This story keeps faking us out with false starts on the lovemaking, but I have a horrible feeling this Volga story is gonna...drag on.

All: *groan*

>>to show the dragon knight how much better his sprained ankle looked.

Link: “See? Spraining it made it look WAY better! The subtle curvature, the chiaroscuro...I wish I’d done it sooner!”

>>"The swelling in your ankle has gone down," Volga said, smiling and nodding encouragingly.  

Rauru: “Pretty soon it’ll be gone completely!”

>>"Can it bear your weight?"

Zelda: It can actually bear a lot more than your weight. Like if you jump from even a modest height, you can briefly put 2 or 3 Gs on your ankle. Hell just carrying a log, or even wearing clothes, would mean they’re bearing more th—oh, he means “can it bear your weight right now.”

>>Link flinched in shock

Link: DARE he ask me that?!

>>and then frowned miserably as he peered down at his bed.

DED: He peed his bed?

Rauru: No, read more closely.

Link: Well, um, given that I apparently can’t walk, uh...unless they’ve got like a tube or something for me to—

Zelda: HOKAY we get the picture.

>>"You need more yellow potion then,"

DED: ...WHOA ho god that’s unfortunate timing.

>>Volga said, still smiling,

Rauru: “Your agony pleases me! Anyway that’s all I wanted to hear, I’m Audi 5000.”

>>as Link stuck out his tongue in disgust.

Link: Disgust at Volga’s fashion sense.

>>"I agree. It tastes suspiciously like lantern oil."

Rauru: “My semen, that is.”

>>Tipping his head to the side like a confused puppy, Link blinked at Volga in curiosity.

DED: Duuuuhhhhh, words?

>>"Do not ask how I know how lantern oil tastes," Volga said

Link: Don’t say something? Nooooo problem.

>>as Link grinned as if he had already made up his mind and knew exactly why Volga knew what lantern oil tasted like.

Zelda: Is there some inside joke we’re not getting here?

DED: Ah, you know, the old “pour lamp oil in their soup” routine.

>>"Several small strike teams are preparing to head out and attempt to eliminate the Manhandla planted further along the gorge," Volga said

Rauru: As though Link could possibly understand or care about military tactics.

Link: Hey man, I’ve read Sun Clausewitz's The Art of On War.

>>as he sat down on the edge of Link's bed

Zelda: Cripes I know you want to buttfuck him but like, seriously, get a chair.

DED: And then spin it around and straddle it backwards.

Zelda: No no no...

>>as the boy, all cheer and joy set aside, sat listening. "…I have elected to remain here."

Rauru: Brilliant strategy there Napoleon.

>>Wide-eyed, Link gasped in surprise

Link: WHOOOOOOA what a surprise, he’s coming back to pester me and camp in my hospital room instead of doing something productive, WHOOOOOOA

>>as he leaned forward and reached out his hand to touch the dragon knight's forehead,


>>suspecting a fever.

Link: “Oh my, you’re burning up!”

Rauru: “My blood is literally magma.”

Link: “Well there you go!”

>>Taken off-guard, Volga leaned back and barely out of the brush of Link's fingertips.

Zelda: Damn it, just bang already. I don’t have time for this shit.

>>"I am not ill, boy," he growled,

Rauru: “Though I do have a license.”

>>taking hold of Link's wrist and held it down without any force against the bed.

DED: Wow, riveting.

Link: No no hold on, this might be a hint of a glimmer of a chance of a possibility of something maybe almost happening in this story.

>>"With you unable to fight properly, I cannot bear to…

Rauru: “...not...constantly loiter in your room...”

>>Someone who can fight needs to remain close to base."

Zelda: Can’t risk someone setting up us the bomb.

>>The boy seemed far too focused on the dragon knight holding down his hand.

DED: Really it’s the story that’s far too focused on it.

>>If his fixed stare said anything, it was that he was captivated by his hold.

Link: Or maybe it was that other thing...what’s the word that’s like “captivated” but it’s more...uh...furious! Yeah that’s it.

>>Volga could not see well from the downward tilt of his head but there seemed to be a tiny, bashful smile peeking across the boy's mouth.

Rauru: Man if only there was some way to adjust the position of your head.

DED: Well YOU can’t adjust your head downward, because of all your chins.

Rauru: Haters gon’ hate.

>>Confusion arced through the dragon knight

Zelda: That’s what confusion does, you know.

>>and he quickly drew his hand

Link: Those night art classes at the adult education center are showing results!

Rauru: Yeah, hands are really hard to draw.

>> away, only for the boy to sharply reach out for it back.

DED: God, we’re just moments away from a huge sissy slap-fight.

>>Link suddenly gasped and shouted out in pain and began feverishly rubbing his stiffened

Link: ...

>>right leg.

Link: ...oh! Dodged a bullet again.

Rauru: I dunno, maybe we’re not giving the author enough credit here. This long, teasing foreplay leading up to the actual buttfuckery, it really builds the sexual tension.

DED: Really?

Rauru: No wait, not sexual tension, I meant boredom. Sexual boredom.

DED: That’s more like it.

>>"Idiot. You moved too suddenly,"

Zelda: Thaaaaat’s...not the biggest reason he’s an idiot.

DED: Volga really doesn’t need an excuse to call him an idiot.

>>Volga said with little real reprimand in his voice

Link: Oh, okay, sure, calling me an idiot straight to my face is “little real reprimand.” Cripes it’s like Midna all over again.

Zelda: Yeah dude, why do you keep falling for abusive, power-tripping lovers?

Link: But come on, that’s just in these demented stories, you’re my one true...wait a minute.

>>as he wrapped his hands around Link's cramped calf. "Move your hands away."

Rauru: Oh, right, of COURSE, the murderous fire-breathing dragon-man is an expert healer. Why didn’t we think of that before?

>>Snarling in agony and gritting his teeth, Link nonetheless did as he was told,

Zelda: Yeah, I get a similar reaction when I tell him to do the dishes.

Link: Gnrrarrrah URRGG RAHH!

>>gripping the mattress and stifling his shouts instead.

DED: This is good practice for him, for when later bed activities take place.

Rauru: Assuming they ever do. I’m losing hope.

>>Volga kneaded his hands into Link's hard calf, coursing a steady, mild heat from his palms deep into the tautening muscle.

Link: So, sprained ankle, gash on my arm that’s probably festering and infected, and we’re worrying about a freaking charley horse?

>>He was careful not to bruise the boy—he was suffering enough for his own idiocy, the dragon knight supposed—

Zelda: Ho ho ho ho, it’s not Link who suffers from Link’s idiocy.

Link: But wait, who else could it be? I DON’T UNDERSTAAAAAAAND

>>as he quickened his massage.

DED: Well, I’ll give him credit, he’s not just a killing machine. He’s a killing/massaging machine.

Link: Yeah, like my electric-powered mechanical back-rubbing devi—

Zelda: —LEAVE IT...

>>Link fell back against his pillow,

Rauru: Fell?

DED: Well, not very far.

>>his breath quickened in panic

Zelda: Understandable.

>>and his face still grimaced in pain,

Link: Why does my face hurt?

>>and watched Volga's hands press and rub

DED: His face watched? I mean, sort of, in a metonymic sense...

>>up and down and slightly into his leg.

Rauru: Only slightly into the part that hurts.

>>Bit by bit, particularly as Volga's thumb rubbed tight, consecutive circles into a stubborn knot,

Zelda: He tied his thumbs into a knot...?

>>the dragon knight saw the boy's face relax and his breath steady as relief began to wash over him.

Link: That’s not him, I just found my pee-tube.

Zelda: Would you STOP TALKING about that!

>>The boy lay catching his breath with a hand covering his eyes and a far too pleasurable smile on his face.

DED: Euuughh.

Rauru: Somehow this feels MORE pornographical than the actual porn.

>>Volga continued working Link's calf, noticing the smoothness of his skin and fineness of the few fair hairs he felt on his legs—he was far less hairy than most humans, even the royal whelp.

Zelda: Whoa whoa whoa HOLD the phone, WHAT?!

Link: Why would Zelda’s legs be hairier than mine, and how the SWEET FUCK would he KNOW that?!?

>>He noted a shudder run through the boy

DED: Predictable.

>>as he brushed the length of his index finger up along the sole of his foot.

Zelda: Oh yeah THAT’s helping Doctor Volga, keep up the good work.

Link: What is this, acupressure? Don’t give me nonea that ancient-Chinese bullshit, I want pills! Pills I say!

>>So despite the many harsh terrains and miles walked, his feet were still sensitive to certain touches.

Rauru: He shudders in disgust when you tickle his foot. Yeah.

>>Volga wondered where else the boy was sensitive.

Link: Tummy, armpits? Oh, oh, I know, the webbing between my finger and thumb. That hurts like a bitch if you cut it and it takes forever to heal.

>>His curiosity but more so his eagerness to know confused the dragon knight.

DED: Volga strikes me as the type to be confused by all kinds of basic events and emotions.

Zelda: Wow, they’re PERFECT for each other.

Link: ...I don’t understand.

>>He had been drawn to the boy for some time now, being the only warrior to have ever bested him and provided an honest challenge to him,

DED: Technically I think you can play as two or three other people and beat Volga’s dumb ass.

>>especially now that he possessed the sword of legend.

Rauru: Oh I really want to constantly stalk the hero who possesses the most powerful and important weapon in the universe. BUT I’M TOTALLY NOT A VILLAIN ANYMORE, HONEST, NOT UP TO ANYTHING AT ALL

>>But since he stupidly got himself bit by a Gohma and sprained his ankle in the process,

Zelda: Honestly, at least he was TRYING to do something good...I’d say that’s pretty low on his index of stupidity.

>>Volga had to keep a closer eye on him…

Link: What, closer than hanging around in my fucking sick room attacking well-wishers?

>>just so he did not lose his only worthy opponent to his own stupidity.

Zelda: Yeah...about that...

>>And now that this no-named gnat of guard was circling around him,

DED: In a manner not at ALL similar to what you’re doing right exactly now!

>>Volga realized he did not like anyone hovering around Link so much,


Link: Um, he does realize I have a fairy literally hovering around me 24/7, right?

>>making him smile, touching his arm, leaning in as if to kiss—

Rauru: Whereas this sensuous calf massage is totally NOT gay in any form, for sure.

>>Link shouted in warning

Link: WARNING! This is getting really faggoty!

>>and scrambled away as Volga looked down at his hands and saw that his palms were ablaze.

Zelda: That’s what’ll happen if you crank it too much you know.

>>Luckily, his hands had been away from Link's skin when his fire sparked.

DED: So, like, Volga KNOWS this could happen and he starts rubbing all up ons ANYWAY?

>>Volga restrained his anger, his flames dwindling with every long exhale.

Rauru: So his hands caught fire, and he’s just...blowing them out? Like birthday candles?

Link: Hardcore. Well, not as hardcore as me when I get set on fire; I just keep on truckin’ and wait for the flames to burn out on their own.

>>He turned a listening ear toward some urgent steps,

Zelda: Y’know, as opposed to those other kinds of ears.

>>just in time to get clocked in the back of the head with a rather sturdy chair

All: WOO!

DED: Hell in a Cell! It’s a lights-out no-holds-barred cage match!

>>and hear his attacker shout, "Don't you hurt him, you bastard!"

Zelda: “He’ll take care of that himself!”

>>Grabbing the back of his head, Volga bit his tongue

Link: Well THAT’s hardly helping.

>>and growled fiercely. He turned around and saw it was the guard, evidently stupid enough to believe a wooden chair was enough to take Volga down.

DED: Volga turned around and saw it was the guard, and Volga was evidently stupid. That’s what it says!

Zelda: No, come on, I’m calling you out on this one, let’s hear your explanation.

DED: Okay, you asked for it: This is a complex sentence but not a compound sentence, which is to say the second clause is subordinate to the first and not independent. It has no subject, hence the subject of the dependent clause is the subject of the independent clause: Volga.

Zelda: ...I regret everything.

>>Enraged, the dragon knight charged from the edge of Link's bed, grabbed hold of the piss-scared guard's scrawny neck,

Rauru: He’s scared of piss...?

Link: Yeah I think my tube must have slipped off during th—


>>and pushed him against a wall.

Rauru: In a different building.

DED: Are there any queers in the theater tonight? Get’em up against the wall...

>>"How dare you strike me, coward!"

Link: Actually I’d say what he did is pretty remarkably brave.

Zelda: Yeah, considering these are the guys who stand next to Moblins and kind of pretend to fight them for a living.

>>Volga shouted, spitting flames.

DED: Ugh I hate people who spit when they talk.

>>"You are not even worth searing to ash but at least then you will be out of my way."

Rauru: “I could TOTALLY burn you to death but,”

>>His absolute terror transformed into madness

DED: Oh, good work.

Zelda: Hey, you know what else is maddening right now? THE. FUCKING. PACE. OF THIS STORY.

>>as the guard broke out into a fit of laughter. "I s-see it now. Y-You're jealous."

Link: U jelly.

>>Volga flinched in honest shock as he blinked in bewilderment.

Rauru: Volga flinched in honest bewilderment as he blinked in shock.

DED: Volga flinched in shocked bewilderment as he blinked in honesty.

Link: Honesty shocked in bewildered blinking as he flinched in Volga.

>>"…Jealous?" Recovering swiftly, the dragon knight smirked and laughed haughtily at his stupidity.

DED: Do I even need to say anything here?

Zelda: Nope, he’s just straight-up laughing at his own stupidity.

>>"You possess nothing I desire."

Rauru: “‘Cept those loafers. Those look really comfy.”

>>"Do I?" the guard grinned.

DED: “ You don’t. That’s why I just said you don’t.”

>>Volga's jaw clenched tightly.

Rauru: “Damn, he knows that I covet his Amiibo collection...”

>>"A blood-ravenous monster like you?" the guard laughed.

Link: ...Does...what?

Zelda: That was a non-sequitur.

>>"Do you even have a heart? …If you do, prepare to feel it break."

DED: “As I re-enact the end of Old Yeller!”

Rauru: You mean he gets taken ‘round back and shot dead?

DED: Yeah, probably.

>>Fire raged in Volga's open flame reservoir.

Zelda: His what? You mean his...lungs? Does he have, like, a thing?

Link: Is it in his butt? I think it’s in his butt.

>>Heat vapor shimmered around his glowing right hand as dragon scales cut through his human skin

Rauru: Does that hurt?

DED: I hope so.

>>and his nails grew and thickened and sharpened into talons.

Zelda: Must eat a lot of gelatin.

>>Baring his fangs, Volga struggled between deciding whether or not to simply crush his throat with his transfigured dragon arm or rip his throat out with his human teeth.

DED: Struggling BETWEEN deciding on something, and…AND...there’s no second thing!

Link: Man you are in RARE form tonight.

DED: It’s even worse than that because he’s deciding whether or not to even do the crushing or the ripping in the first place.

Zelda: Mmm.

DED: Yeah I know it’s really interesting.

Zelda: MMMMM.

DED: Also he’s saying he’s going to crush his own throat.

>>Startled and insulted at the sudden hand on his upper arm,

Rauru: I would be startled and insulted if a hand suddenly grew somewhere on my body.

>>Volga swung his free arm out and blindly batted away the impudent intruder. Only when he took the second to glance after the fact did he realize he had struck Link.

Link: Yeah well WHO THE FUCK ELSE WOULD IT BE? Did he think a third person snuck into the room and came around behind him? You fucking dope.

>>He watched him stagger backward, flailing his arms in a fleeting attempt to find balance,

Zelda: Nah, that’s just something he does. Flail his limbs and break things.

>>and step back onto his bad leg.

Rauru: And then get down with his bad self.

>>Unable to hold his weight, his ankle crumbled

Link: Stupid ankles, why do we even HAVE them?

>>and Link collapsed to the floor.

Rauru: He should try collapsing to the ceiling, just for variety.

>>He struggled a bit, gasping in pain, but he quickly managed to hold himself up with his arms

DED: Time to crab-walk to glory.

>>and stared absolutely shocked at Volga

Zelda: That was COMPLETELY out of character for him!

>>as he stared back equally surprised at himself.

Rauru: “Man that felt GREAT!”

>>Pick him up. You did not intend to… he ordered himself.

DED: Well, at least he’s finally showing some compassion to the poor guard he’s been brutalizing.

Zelda: Uh...

>>Ashamed of his actions, he dropped the guard to the floor and charged out of the room, leaping from the first glass window he found

Link: Oh, so by “pick him up because you hurt him like an inconsiderate raging jackass” what Volga really meant was “jump the fuck out the window and just fucking leave.

>>and shedding his human form. Cinders and glass shards shimmered down his back and tail as he spread his leathery wings and headed toward the setting sun.

Rauru: Excellent, goodbye!


Volga returned cool-headed and morose to the hospital three days later.

Zelda: Awww.

Rauru: It was good while it lasted.

>>The staff was certainly not pleased with and concerned by his presence,

Link: What would he have to do to actually get banned from this freaking place? Personally murder everyone in it and stack their skulls into a giant pyramid?

DED: Also this is saying they’re not pleased with and not concerned by his presence.

>>though the window he had dashed out of was replaced already.

Link: So he could smack me and then jump out of it and break it again.

Zelda: Oh YOU’RE one to talk.

>>Though they had every right to order him to leave, no one told him to.

DED: Probably because he would mutilate them if they did.

Rauru: He ought to check his bloodthirsty psychopath privilege.

>>He stood in Link's open doorway, expected Link to turn away from him for his dishonorable assault against him and then Volga would leave,


Zelda: All you need to do is tilt your head!

>>but to his shock, the boy was overjoyed to see him.

Link: Man this relationship is full of all KINDS of syndromes.

>>He scrambled to get to the side of his bed and reach his crutch quick enough to walk to him.

DED: Or better yet, to walk out of the hospital and go hide somewhere.

>>"No, do not get up," he ordered,


>>shaking his hands no, as he approached his bedside with reservation

Zelda: Oh, THAT’S why he keeps showing up! Link keeps letting him make a reservation.

>>and eventually sat down beside him on the edge of the bed. "You are…happy to see me?"

Link: “Nope nope nope nope nope.”

>>Link nodded readily

DED: Wow he’s so talented.

>>and then pointed at the dragon knight and raised three fingers, the number of days he was gone.

Rauru: Wh...why?

>>"Why? I struck you."

Zelda: He’s been hit by, he’s been struck by, a...coarse idiot.

>>The boy breathed a dismissive snort of air before raising and flexing his arm in front of Volga, reminding him of how strong he was. One hit was nothing.

Link: Yeah bitch I got hearts for DAYS.

>>"But I struck you in anger. You could not defend yourself properly. It was not honorable of me."

DED: Thaaaaat’s not that high on the list of his problems.

>>Sure he had struck Link before and cut him in battle but he had never struck him in anger.

Link: Um, so he was trying to kill me but he wasn’t angry while he was doing it?

Zelda: Is he ever NOT angry?

>>And never had the boy looked back at him with such uncertainty in his eyes.

Rauru: Or such a boner in his pants.

Link: Yeah, you know, I’m honestly ready for that. I’m ready for anything to happen, seriously. I’d be fine if Volga just screwed up his face and jizzed awkwardly in his codpiece and shuffled out of the room. ANYTHING.

>>Link grinned and harshly tapped his fist against the side of Volga's head.

DED: Nice try, but I’d have done more than tapped.

Link: Well I did harshly tap. Maybe that’s code for “punched.”

>>"Yes, it was stupid…" Volga replied, his head bowed in shame.

Zelda: “But then again, so are a lot of things in this room.”

>>He did not know how long the boy had been upset,

Rauru: Whooooa-oooh-oooh-oooh, for the longest time...

>>if he had ever been upset at all at him but it was clear that he had fully forgiven him.

Link: For smacking me and also, before that, for trying really hard to kill me with fire.

>>Much as he scoffed and sneered at his soft heart, it was his same open, kind heart that had shown him far more welcome and camaraderie

DED: ...than he deserved.

>>since the dragon knight broke free of the weakened witch's dark control and allied with Hyrule to take down their common enemy.

Link: Is that what happened? Are we sure he isn’t just a homicidal jerk?

Zelda: No one said that breaking free from the witch’s control would make him not a homicidal jerk.

>>Idly, the boy pressed his thumbs together

Rauru: Ladies and gentlemen! Put your thumbs together for...Volga and the Meatspins!

DED: Eeuh.

>>as he peered up at Volga with a soft smile.

Rauru: Soft like...soft serve?

Link: Are you gonna start naming the ways you would cook and eat me, like with Midna?

Rauru: What? No. I’m just being myself.

>>It seemed to the dragon knight that he was trying to communicate something but found it difficult to convey.

DED: It would be difficult because he CAN’T SPEAK.

Link: “I have Stockholm Syndrome and want to fuck my brutal draconic opressor” does seem hard to convey by pantomime alone.

>>Volga paid attention and tried to read him

Zelda: Well has he been published?

>>but the boy seemed far too hesitant, nervous even to speak.

Rauru: Y’know, if he could.

>>Volga felt like he needed the fairy to speak for Link

Link: Oh please no.

DED: He needs Navi to speak so he can Navi-dive to the bottom of the well.

Zelda: Yeah then once he’s there he can cling to a vine wall and pause-buffer so he can get hurt at the right frame and get knocked out of bounds and then he’ll be gone from this story forever!

DED: …

Zelda: I told you before, I know all this glitch shit. It’d be irresponsible if I didn’t.

>>and, unlike the guard, he had never once needed her before.

DED: What? Nobody has.

>>"What is it?" Volga gave up and asked,

Rauru: “Is it my stench of sulphur and blood?”

>>the tail of a growl rolling into his voice. "Is there something you want?"

Link: YOU...TO...LEAVE!

>>Finally, Link grinned at him and shook his head no in an it-was-nothing-just-forget-it manner.

Zelda: Oh he’d like us all to forget, wouldn’t he.

Link: About what?

Zelda: About the...all the boneheaded destructive things you do!

Link: Name one!

Zelda: Well I...the time you...ARRGH THERE’S TOO MANY TO EVEN THINK OF!

Link: Ahhhh HA! The strategy PAYS OFF!

Zelda: I hate you.

>>He stilled his hands and looked away, staring distantly,

Rauru: Link’s national pastime.

>>lost in his thoughts,

DED: ...Such as they are.

>>into the floor without losing an inch his gentle grin.

Zelda: I’m about to consume an inch or two of this gentle gin.

DED: Is this supposed to be news?

Zelda (sipping gin and tonic): Keep that up and I won’t fix you one.

DED: You were going to fix me one?

Zelda: *sips pointedly* No.

>>It was clearly something drawing the boy to gaze longingly at nothing

Rauru: Yeah, I mean normally Link’s attention span is flawless.

DED: I know, and he’s always so focused, so grounded in reality.

Link: ...had a HUUUUUGE afro! I wanted one too so I took my electric razor and went to the zoo to harvest some...

>>but the boy would give him no sign as to his thoughts.

Zelda: Hmm,’s...because...heeeee...doesn’t have any thoughts?

>>Suddenly, Link raised his head and grinned brightly.

DED: As he HAD been doing, since of course he never lost “an inch his gentle grin.”

>>Volga was not too surprised—

Rauru: —Gurning like an idiot is how Link spends most of his time—

>>eager bursts of brilliance tended to unexpectedly strike the boy

Zelda: ...And bounce right off, having no effect.

>>to which Volga begrudgingly tolerated.

DED: “To which.”

>>His hand signals were always a bit more feverish and blurry to read

Link: My hands are blurry? Zelda, has he been dipping into your homemade moonshine?

Zelda: He’d BETTER not, my shit’ll knock him on his ass.

>>when he was excited and more often than not, he gave up and took the easy course

DED: Well, like Camus said, there is but one truly serious philosophical problem and that is suicide.

>>in simply dragging Volga wherever he thought they should be.

Rauru: Simply draggin’ him? Eh? DRAGGIN’ him?!?

>>This time, however, the boy would be far more reliant on him to move anywhere and if Volga thought it was a stupid idea (and it probably was),

Link: If the idea is “Let’s have weird codependent abusive sex,” and I suspect it is, then even I will admit: Volga’s right, it is stupid.

>>he could simply remain where he was.

Zelda: Or backhand him sharply across the face, that usually works too.

Link: Oh come on, when have I ever had ideas that were so stupid you needed to backhand me?

Zelda: There were all those times that you...when you tried to...ARGGH SO MANY CAN’T CHOOSE!

Link: Ha! The strategy pays off agai—

Zelda: *raises backhand threateningly*

Link: *whimpers*

>>But Link did not flood him with a flurry of frenzied hand shapes and faces.

DED: Good. Great. We should all learn a lesson from this behavior.

>>Instead, he laid a hand on Volga's shoulder

Rauru: As some kind of bizarre offering.

DED: Surely Volga is used to being draped in severed limbs.

>>and braced himself as he slowly with stiff, shaking legs

Zelda: I’d like a stiff shaken martini.

Rauru: Your gimmick is wearing thin.

Zelda: Oh, coming from YOU.

Rauru (eating three greasy pizza slices stacked on top of each other): Whuf das thposda mean?

>>began to stand up. He winced slightly

Link: I know, the pacing in this story is like, physically painful.

>>as he steadied himself for a second and then, pressing his hand into Volga's shoulder for support,

DED: Physically buttressing something with his mass is just about the only way Volga could ever be “supportive.”

>>he slowly walked. And then with only a little wobbling, he moved away from Volga and walked toward the door.

Link: At long last, I can escape!

>>Just before the doorway, Link paused and turned around,

Zelda: Remembering the clause in his contract that says he won’t get paid until penetration.

>>his arms outstretched at his sides and his grin absolutely beaming with pride and excitement.

Rauru: WOW he can do the basic thing that everyone can do that he could do before and now he can do it again!

>>"You can walk on your own again," Volga said, sporting his own proud smile.

DED: “I can tell that because I have eyes! Yay!”

>>"This is good."

Rauru: “This canape, I mean.”

>>Link nodded fervently, his body shaking with joy.

Link: Oh yeah, when I’m happy I just vibrate like an off-balance washing machine. It’s what I do.

>>Clearly if he thought his ankle could handle the impact, he would have leapt into the air.

Zelda: He could leap with one foot. Hell he could just hop around on one foot.

>>As he headed back toward his bed,

Link: Why am I going back there? Ugh.

>>Link hurried and stumbled forward.

DED: Gotta keep to the schedule, chop-chop!

Zelda: Oh, why start now?

>>He caught himself, grabbing hold of both of Volga's shoulders, and at the same time, Volga caught his hips.

Rauru: With a Pokeball.

>>For a moment, as Link steadied, they paused and shared a breath.

DED: That’s a dumb idea. They’re gonna suffocate.

>>And then Volga lifted his head, eyes watching the fall and rise of Link's chest

Link: ...Wondering how best he could stop that from happening.

>>until he reached the boy's face and saw his brilliant blue eyes peer down at him

Zelda: Why does EVERYONE think Link’s eyes are so smart?

DED: Obviously all his intelligence is there in his eyes, unavailable for use by his brain.

>>and saw his somewhat apologetic and somewhat cheeky grin.

Rauru: Oi listen here u cheeky cunt

>>"Clumsy idiot…" Volga said with far too little breath.

DED: I told them! Two people breathing one breath is a terrible idea.

>>The boy could be very irritating

Rauru: Could?

>>and persistent, seeking the dragon knight out to provide unnecessary company and at times following him around

Link: Gosh, yeah, that is really annoying. I sure hope nobody does the SAME EXACT THING TO ME. Especially if I were CRIPPLED AND PHYSICALLY UNABLE TO GET AWAY.

>>with a much too broad and bright grin on his face.

Zelda: He’s just happily remembering the loot that Volga dropped when he beat the shit out of him.

>>The only reason Volga tolerated his irksome tagging along was because he was a strong opponent and he could find amusement in traipsing across harsh terrain after terrain,

DED: Yeah but Link can find amusement in a bent bottle cap, though, so that’s not saying much.

Zelda: Being incredibly easily amused is one of his...umm...good traits? Bad traits? Traits.

Link: GUYS GUYS GUYS shut up, there’s a little tear in the armrest of my chair and I can feel the foam underneath!

>>which were simple walking paths to Volga but impromptu obstacle courses for the boy.

Rauru: Because Volga turned them into sadistic, Japanese-game-show-style obstacle courses as he went along.

>>Volga had to admit he had grinned with pride for the boy the day he followed him up a small mountain,

DED: When the hell did they have the time to do this?

>>climbing the steep rockface with his bare hands and making it in time to watch the sunset beside him.

Zelda: Ah, a charming and romantic day out for a mute idiot and a murderous psychopath.

>>The boy was strong in body and more so in spirit.

Link: Oh yeah my strong spirit, that was really beneficial when I was getting brutalized by monsters and impaled and crushed by boulders.

>>He was stubborn and willful and eager to fight for his ideas, stupid or noble as they may be.

Rauru: Survey says: “Stupid.”

>>He was the only one who could fight against Volga

DED:, the whole big deal of the game is that you can pick different characters to play through the levels as...

>>and was the first to fight for him amid his allied army's concerned whispers and opposing disbelief to his newfound alliance to them.

Zelda: Though, as you said, his ideas are stupid.

DED: Of all his stupid ideas, liking Volga is definitely up there.

>>They could beat one another to exhaustion

Link: Sure can!

>>and immediately after their spar ended, Link would offer his hand,

Rauru: ...balled into a fist, directly into Volga’s groin.

>>help Volga stand if he needed to,

Zelda: You can stand if you want to, you can leave your friends behind!

>>and walk with him to the mess tent with a hand on the dragon's back and his stupid grin on his face.

DED: And two pockets full of liquid caramel.

Link (long strand of caramel connecting his caramel-covered hand to his pocket): But it’s so convenient!

Rauru: Tell me more!

>>The boy was kind but strong, an idiot and a prodigy, attractive and—

Link: Awesome? Studly? Innovative with his caramel-transportation methods?

>>"Hi, Link!" the guard called cheerily.

DED: At least someone around here is having a good time.

>>"Nice aftern…what's going on?"


>>His baffled stare bounced between Link and Volga,

Rauru: And thus, Pong was invented!

>>pausing for an extra second or two on the dragon knight

Rauru: And thus, the pause function was added to Pong!

>>before he returned to the boy.

Link: Like he’s fucking returned to me over and over and over.

>>He was still showing up?

DED: Even the characters are pointing out how tired and repetitive the story is!

>>Volga was honestly surprised that the fool would dare visit Link again after Volga grabbed and pinned him against a wall and nearly crushed his throat.

Rauru: “Yeah, I’m the more effective stalker here!”

>>The guard was clearly a greater fool…no, a greater idiot than Volga had believed.

Zelda: Wow, he must be a rival for Link himself.

Link: In love?

Zelda: Yyyyyyyyyyyeaaaaaaaaaaah,

>>Even if the boy was sometimes, a lot of the time an idiot,

Rauru: I’m glad we found a story that really gets Link.

>>even he knew better than to return to a dragon's den.

Link: Except it’s my fucking den, and he keeps coming back to it!

>>"…Is everything all right?"

DED: It WAS...

>>the guard asked Link with obvious concern

Zelda: He’s obviously very concerned by the possibility of everything being all right.

>>in his voice and face and the boy nodded once deeply.

Link: “Well yeah, I guess, ‘cept Volga is here...”

>>Volga noticed the guard was keeping his arms behind his back.

Rauru: Out of fear that Volga would rip them off.

>>He was obviously hiding something.

DED: Oh, great, let’s talk about what it might be for six or seven paragraphs.

>>Another useless trinket, no doubt.

Zelda: Eh, no more useless than the rest of this story...

>>Still puzzled and put-off by the dragon knight's presence,

Link: His presence is just tiresome and depressing by now.

>>the guard stared at Volga as he warily approached Link's bed.

Zelda: “Uh, Link, this sex is going to be kind of awkward with him standing there watching, are you sure—”

Link: *waggles eyebrows intensely*

>>"…I…uh…bought you…just a little somethin'."

Rauru: “Lil’ summin-summin. You got the money?”

>Sure enough, he brought out a long box from behind his back.

DED: Pulled a shotgun out of it, and SHOT VOLGA IN THE FACE!

>>It was a plain light orange clothing box with no notable markings on it, not that Volga knew any shop names in the city.

Zelda: What, does he never need to go out and buy food? Toilet paper?


>>He supposed the color of the box probably said everything

Rauru: Um...what?

DED: Why the HELL would he suppose that?

>>but Volga did not know and did not care what it meant.

Zelda: Well, it probably means that the guard has an object that he wanted to conceal, or perhaps an object that was difficult to transport when not inside a container or some such.

>>He wanted to burn that box, regardless of where it came from or what it held.

DED: ‘Course, him being a dragon and all that’s not really unusual.

>>Not that the idiot saw it but Link was wincing through his smile

Rauru: Link didn’t see his own wincing?

>>as he held up and lightly waved his hands in a you-didn't-have-to-do-this (please no more) manner.

Link: Or maybe I was just waving my hands in a trying-to-dissipate-a-fart manner.

>>He reluctantly took hold of the box and immediately laid it in his lap.

Zelda: Wow, tell us more.

>>Much as Link gestured that he would see what it was later,

DED: So instead of describing what the gestures looked like or consisted of, the author just tells us exactly what they’re meant to convey without needing to explain how they convey it.

Rauru: Yeah, it works great. I just gestured that this gay erotic fanfic is long-winded and boring and that I could really go for a nice plate of scrambled eggs, but I would be okay with poached as well although I don’t much care for the runnier yolk that poaching yields.

>>the guard encouraged him to go ahead and open it

Link: Oh is that what you do with boxes people give you...

Zelda: Are you being sarcastic or genuinely retarded?

Link: Oh hold on a question...I forget what you’re supposed to do about those...

>>and as his smile grew more pained, Link finally gave in and lifted the top box lid.

DED: And a bunch of springy snakes popped out, whoopee!

>>Beneath the scratchy, translucent gauze strip,

Zelda: Oh, yeah, that, I know exactly what the author’s talking about.

>>there was a bright red scarf.

Rauru: And under that, there was catcher’s mitt, and under that there was a matryoshka doll, and inside that there was a smaller matryoshka doll...

>>Link's forced smile fell as the guard's lifted.

Link: The balance of power is shattered!

>>"You lost your old one…so I thought I'd get you a new one," the guard said,

DED: Well, credit where it’s due, he’s stepped up his game.

Zelda: Yeah, pretty soon he’ll be bringing him, like, a new car and fine china and frankincense and myrrh.  

>>eyes and voice eager and bright. "…You like it?"

Link: Yeah, it’s great, maybe I can use it to HANG MYSELF AND ESCAPE FROM THIS STORY!!!

>>Link smiled very thinly

Rauru: His mouth must have an eating disorder. Er, wait, no, that’s...huh.

>>and the guard failed to see that he was faking his joy.

DED: But can he see why kids love the great taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

>>"I know it's not the same color and all," the guard prattled on,

Zelda: “In fact it’s actually a sock, not a scarf, and I got it used from a hobo, but...”

>>growing nervous as Link did not grin and embrace him warmly over his gift,

Link: And as Volga pointed at him and then drew a line across his throat with his finger.

>>"but it's just as good, right? …Like they say, out with the old, in with the new."

Zelda: Well, he’s kind of got a point there.

DED: NONE of this has ANY POINT!

>>He was practically pleading Link for a response in his voice.

Link: I can’t respond in your voice. I can’t respond in anyone’s voice, not even my own. Sorry, good day.

>>"I do not understand his affection for one length of cloth either," Volga said,

Rauru: Theeeeeeere’s a lot he doesn’t seem to understand.

>>"but I do understand a desire to keep a treasure and would not like to have it lost…or replaced."

DED: “And I do understand why kids love the great taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch!”

Zelda: Okay enough.

>>He slowly drew from under his breastplate Link's no-longer-missing scarf.

Link: So...he fucking stole my scarf. Am I supposed to lust for him now?!

Zelda: And he was keeping it stuffed between his armor and his sweaty torso. Great.

>>Link stared, his eyes steadily growing wider,

Rauru: Until they popped clean out of his skull.

>>as the blue cloth slipped out from Volga's armor.

DED: Is this gonna be like a magic trick, where he keeps pulling and pulling and the scarf is actually like fifteen feet long?

>>His shock quickly gave way to joy, which gave way to Link launching himself forward

Zelda: Which gave way to Link flopping to the ground which gave way to even more injuries.

>>and wrapping his arms around Volga's neck.

Link: So I can strangle him for STEALING MY SCARF!!!

>>Volga groaned and glared at the opposite far wall as the stupid boy mashed his cheek against his.

Zelda: See also: me most of the time.

Link (glomming on to her neck): I WUB YOOOOOOOU also I broke your onyx coffee table in half UGUUUUUU~

>>"You were never so happy for…well, any of my gifts,"

Rauru: I was too happy for your gifts! I was happy for them when they graduated from college, got married, won their first Pulitzer...I wished them the best!

>>the stunned and heartbroken guard whined, tearing up,

DED: Tearing what up?


>>"…but he brings you some old rag and you…"

Zelda: “...wear it, like an idiot. Holy shit you have the fashion sense of a rancid Victorian beggar-man.”

>>Grimacing in heartache, the guard quickly bowed his head and fought to speak and not cry.

DED: Maybe he could fight to just shut the fuck up altogether.

>>If he had any self-respect, he should have put on a stone face and left, Volga thought,


>>but the guard was weak, in body and spirit.

Zelda: Don’t need to tell ME twice, they’re my army and they’re worthless.

>>The guard's shoulders shook with swallowed sadness.

Rauru: He...swallowed sadness...with his shoulders?

DED: I...guess?

Rauru: I must investigate this new method of eating!

>>Link rose from his bed, stumbled the few steps to the guard,

Link: I wonder how many extra weeks of recovery time these two chucklefucks have added to my injury just by being in my room and compelling me to stagger around on my wounded leg.

DED: By extension, how many dozens of innocent people have perished due to Link’s prolonged absence? Really what I’m saying here is that both Volga and the guard are mass murderers.

Rauru: Volga already was a mass murderer, though.

>>and laid his hands on his shoulders in reassurance.

Link: “Allow me to reassure you that I couldn’t be less interested in your or your shitty gifts.”

>>"You don't…like me the way I like you…"

Zelda: He doesn’t idolize you for your world-saving heroics, couldn’t save a rock from the inside of a paper bag. Yeah.

>>the guard said without peering up, "…or the way you like him."

DED: Assuming that massive negative liking is a thing, then I’d say he “likes” them equally.

>>…The way you like him? Volga raised an eyebrow.

Rauru: Raised it since it were a pup, he did.

>>Link smiled gently and then patted the guard on the head.

Link: Well that's a nice mature way to handle things.

Zelda: This guy is going to end up dousing himself in gasoline and immolating himself outside your bedroom window to prove his devotion.

>>The guard raised his head up. Though he was still sad, the truth was also sinking in.

DED: But...the truth was what...was...making him sad? So how...what...

>>"…I see," he said. He wasted no time

Rauru: This story? Wasting time? Oh, perish the thought.

>>gathering his rejected gift, muttered an apology for being a bother,

Zelda: Better late than never, I guess.

Link: Or maybe it would be better still if he just DIDN’T FUCKING BOTHER ME IN THE FIRST PLACE.

>>and left the room, shutting the door close in his haste

DED: WOW WHOA shutting the door, THAT’S hasty all right, what a reckless man he is.

>>It took Link outright telling him

Rauru: Or...not, really.

>>but finally the guard was gone.

Zelda: So ends the epic love triangle between Link, Volga, and Guard Who Doesn’t Get A Name.

DED: Scholars of literature will no doubt study the complex and nuanced character of Guard Who Doesn’t Get A Name for years to come.

>>While the dragon knight did not visibly show it,

Link: I guess he’s a grower of it rather than a shower of it.

>>he was pleased to see and know that the gifts and endless sickening praise and longing stares were no more.

DED: Great! All right! So that’s the narrative wrapped up, story over. Let’s go home.

Rauru: God damn, that was long and painful, but at least it’s over.

Zelda: Yep, let’s you hit the showers and me hit the much nicer silver-inlaid shower of Perrier.

>>The boy did not like hurting the guard's feelings but the truth was necessary.

DED: Wait, there’s still words.

Rauru: What the hell’s going on?

Link: Wait, guys…



Link: Wait, surely we’re just forgetting...surely it just got lost somewhere back in th...OH MY GOD.



Link: OH MY GOD.

>>As guilty as he looked, there was relief in his eyes.


>>He sat back down next to Volga, wrapped his scarf loosely around his neck and covered his mouth with it,

Rauru: No no, you need to cover all your sensory organs. Maybe then you’d have a chance of escaping from this story.

>>and canted his eyes to the ground in uncertainty and shyness.

DED: Or maybe he’s just noticing an old Jujubee stuck to the floor.

>>"So you…like me, do you, boy?" Volga said

Rauru: “Do you like-like me, or just like? Are you in like with me?”

Link: Oh my God, please stop talking about Like-Likes.

>>as he leaned down and tried to peer up and get a better look at the boy's embarrassed face.


>>"Is that what you were trying to tell me before?"

Zelda: “Is that what you’re trying to tell me now? Are you trying to tell me anything? Or are you just sleepy? Can you point?”

>>Volga reached over and pulled his scarf away from his mouth.

DED: “You look riDICulous!”

>>Link's grin grew just a little as he nodded.


>>"How much do you know about dragons?" Volga said, smirking,

Rauru: “For instance, not only do we breathe fire, we poop it as well. And then there’s the way our teeth keep growing in constantly-replenishing rows, so occasionally—while tongue-kissing, say—a tooth will just drop out of its socket. Also, our penises are covered in backwards-facing barbs to ensure that...”

>>as he laid his hand on Link's shoulder. "Very little, so it seems."

Zelda: Link, knowing very little about something? THAT’S new.

>>"Do you know that some dragons like to…collect things?" he asked,

DED: (sensually) “Yu-Gi-Oh cards.”

>>scraping the tip of his nails across the ball of his shoulder,

Link: So wait is Volga just...scratching himself?

>>drawing a ragged breath out of Link.

Zelda: I think that process is usually referred to as “heaving a sigh.”

>>"Not all of us like to collect and among the ones that do collect very different things.

Rauru: Is there any reason at all that I would care?

>>Typically, it is gold and jewels but it can be anything that excites the dragon the most."

DED: Well then it would be...just one specific thing.

>>Volga pressed his nails into Link's shoulder

Link: Eww don’t stick those tacky press-on nails onto my body.

>>and smiled at his hiss and wince.

DED: I’ve heard of “hurt/comfort” but this is more like “hurt/loiter/hurt more/berate/fuck.”

>>Pain arced into anger as Link twisted his shoulder away from Volga and glared at him.

Zelda: Yes, you changed the meaning of the word “pain” for everyone in the entire world just by that one gesture. How do you feel?


>>Link eyed him guardedly

Rauru: Or did he guard him eye-dly?


>>as the dragon knight loosely wrapped his arms around him

Link: No fuck you, the only thing I want loosely wrapped around me is my scarf!

>>and buried his face into the crook of his neck and shoulder and into his scarf.

DED: You’re bein’ a little bit weird, Volga.

Zelda: Like, this is weird, even for him.

>>It smelled of the dry, sandy wind he found it blowing in,

Rauru: Yes and how many words can a writer write down before finally getting to the sex? The neckwear, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind, the neckwear is blowin’ in the wind...

>>caught on a Moblin spear planted in the cracked earth and of Volga's own, volcanic char and smoke-infused sweat.

Link: Do dragons have super powerful smelling ability? Is that a thing?

DED: Man I don’t even know, dragons are all over the fucking place.

>>"Some collections are quite vast and some dragons only hold onto a single precious treasure," he said,

Zelda: “Those dragons are referred to by the ancient draconic word raásk-tûn, or in the human tongue, ‘losers.’”

>>nuzzling the curve of his neck before tilting his head up and whispering into Link's ear. "And no matter what and how much they have,

Rauru: “...we always fuck our treasure. Whether it’s people, or gems, or gold coins or even stock options...we find a way to fuck it.”

>>a dragon does not like its treasure to be touched or looked at by another creature.

Link: Dragon’s got a bad case of the OCD.

>>Nothing angers the dragon more than for someone else to covet its treasure."

DED: “Anyhoo, just thought I’d give you that little dracology lecture, I’ma grab me some Chick-Fil-A.”

>>Gingerly, he unwrapped Link's scarf away from his neck.

Rauru: “Well, you’ve enjoyed it for a good minute or so, time for me to take it away again.”

>>He brushed his lips down the side of his neck

DED: Haha yes funny with man have lips own neck pronoun confusing is good joek

>>before jerking away and scowling at an unwanted scent.

Zelda: Faaarrrrrrrtttt jooooooooooooke.

>>"Did he bring you this tunic? It smells of him," he said with a low rumble in his voice.

Link: Then again, so does most of the room.

Rauru: No wait, hold on, just because the guard brought him the tunic, why would it smell more like the guard than like Link’s body? Was the guard WEARING it before he gave it?

>>Repulsed, he scowled. "I don't like it."

DED: Oh THAT’S new.

>>Hooking a thumb under the back of his tunic collar,

Zelda: And laying his finger aside of his nose, and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

>>Volga pulled it down as he snatched hold of the front of his collar with his teeth.

DED: Look, this is simply saying the man is biting his own collar. There is no other way to interpret it as it was written and I demand a formal apology and a promise to learn how to understand pronouns.

Link: You’re just leaning on this whole pronoun thing because you have nothing clever to say.

DED: Nggh shut up!

>>Wrenched two ways, the cloth stretched and strained and ripped.

Rauru: “This is what I’m gonna do to your butthole, bitch.”

>>Link shouted for him to stop and pushed at him but the dragon knight soon pushed him back onto the bed and grabbed hold of and stilled his struggling arms.

Zelda: And so the rape begins.

Rauru: Someday it’d be novel to read a story about people having sex A) consensually and B) after having been in a relationship for longer than ten minutes.

>>He tore strips of cloth bit by bit with his teeth,

DED: “Euhh I goth deeth liddle thredth of cloff in my teef, ugh pteh pthoo ugh…”

>>scorching the fabric with an ember-rich breath.

Link: Could you PLEASE just once have sex with me without shredding and incinerating my clothes?!

Zelda: Link you shred and/or incinerate my clothes all the time WITHOUT even giving me sex in exchange.

Link: Honey, please, this story is about ME, let’s try to remember that.

>>Link watched him unamused and slightly annoyed, his face telling Volga that there had been no need to rip his tunic in pieces,

Rauru: Which, really, he ought to know to begin with.

>>that he would have just taken it off if told or given a moment to do so.

Link: But hey, haven’t exerted my free will at any point so far in this story, no sense in starting now.

>>Volga still preferred his way.

DED: The idiotic, dangerous, pointlessly-destructive way.

Zelda: I see now why he’s so attracted to Link.

>>Tearing the last stubborn shred in two with his hands,

Rauru: Shred of what? His remaining dignity?

Link: Remaining what?

Rauru: Yeah, no, never mind.

>>the dragon knight smirked as he watched his bared chest rise and fall,

Zelda: Yes, I too am pleased when my lovers demonstrate, by breathing, that they are not in fact dead.

>>his young muscles stretching with his breath, quickened from their tussle.

Link: Him tearing my clothes off me made me winded? Man all this bedrest has got me really out of shape.

>>"There. Much better," Volga said

DED: I-is it? Is it really?

>>as he bent down and nipped Link's collarbone.

Link: Uh, sorry, I don’t find it sexy to get bitten by a dragon.

>>Link cuffed him on the ear for ripping his tunic.

Rauru: And sued him for the destruction of his property, plus damages for emotional distress and lost productivity.

>>He smirked a little deeper. "You liked it. It was an ugly color anyway."

Zelda: So’s your face, but you don’t see me ripping it to shreds.

>>Link rolled his eyes as if that wasn't the point of the matter.

DED: How many times do I have to say it, NONE of these matters have ANY POINT!

>>"You have no idea how patient I have been with you," he said,

Rauru: “And you have no idea how windmills work. Or what precisely a camisole is. Or why bees have stripes. Or...”

>>taking hold of Link's chin and turning his head to the left

Link: Gotta turn it to the left, when you’re doing gay make-outs. Like...the symbolic significance is huge. HUGE.

>>and running his tongue up along his neck and his jawline.

DED: I’m sorry to keep harping on this, but like...Volga licked his own neck and jawline? Volga took Link’s tongue out of Link’s mouth and ran it along Link’s neck and jawline?

Zelda: You’re not sorry at all to keep harping on it.

DED: Okay, I admit it, harping is what I do best.

Link: Ugh, stop talking about harps, it’s reminding me of Skyward Sword and how not-particularly-good that was.

>>"How he stared at you, how they stare at you…

Zelda: ...with their eyes?

>>It's a wonder how I have not gone mad and scorched them all."

Rauru: “Instead I only went mad and scorched some of them.”

>>Volga smiled and buried a hand into Link's hair as he kissed him just above his eyebrow.

Link: My only weak spot! How did he know...?

>>"Did he kiss you?" he asked. "At all? Anywhere? Even on the cheek?"

DED: “Did he kiss you just above the eyebrow, like I just did? Because that would be really weird if he did. I mean, I wouldn’t expect anyone but me to do that. Hell I’m not even sure why I did it.”

>>Link stared back at him innocently and shook his head no.

Zelda: Oh, THIS routine. Don’t fall for it, Volga, he must have done something boneheaded he’s trying to cover up.

DED: Also, what this says is “Link stared back at [Volga] innocently and shook [Volga’s] head no.”

Link: Oh for GOD’S SAKE SHUT UP!


>>"Are you lying to me, boy?" the dragon knight grinned wickedly and chuckled low in his throat as he pulled on a good grip of Link's hair.

Rauru: “Because I will fucking SCALP you if you are lying to me!”

>>Link bared his teeth and sharply winced. Volga knew he was being honest—he just wanted to hear him whimper.

Zelda: Clearly this is a man you want to spend the rest of your days romantically involved with.

>>There was no way the guard ever mustered the courage to kiss him.

Link: Are you saying the nameless generic NPC soldiers in Hyrule Warriors...lack courage? Well I never!

>>"Maybe I believe you…"

DED: “Maybe I’m physically restraining you and destroying your clothes just for the hell of it.”

>>Volga said, still chuckling to himself with a far too smug smile on his face,

Rauru: What exactly does he have to feel smug about?! Yeah, big man, you’re overpowering a crippled person.

>>as he let go of Link's hair and swept his hand through it. "But just to be sure…"

Zelda: “...Let’s break out the old Kiss-o-Meter to measure your smoochicules.”

>>He kissed Link,

Link: Something nearly erotic is happening! At long last! Break out the champagne!

Zelda (holding an empty champagne bottle upside-down over her mouth as tiny drips drop out): Huh?

>>his back arching at the slide of Volga's hand against his side. Link wrapped his arms around him, his hands sweeping up his smooth back.

DED: Um, doesn’t Volga wear jaggedy armor?

>>The dragon knight had removed his armor and wore just a very dark blue, dark enough to be mistaken for black, sleeveless undershirt and matching pants.

DED: ...Well fuck me, an explanation!

Rauru: Probably would have been more logical to put the explanation before the thing it explains, just sayin’.

Zelda: Also, I’m not sure I appreciate a detailed analysis of how blue his clothes are in a story that is quite thoroughly padded already.

>>A fire not from his flame reservoir crackled and sparked in his chest

Link: What in the FUCK are they talking about?!

DED: I’m pretty sure I played Hyrule Warriors and beat this guy up. Did I miss something important? Was he, like, just a dude with a flamethrower and some papier-mâché wings  pretending to be a dragon? Did he have a cylinder full of fire on his back like fucking Splatoon?

>>as their lips parted with an audible smack.

Rauru: Sorry, no, there is NOTHING here that is lip-smacking.

Zelda: You’ll just have to provide that for yourself.

Rauru (withdrawing a Brazilian meat sword): Always do!

>>A warm breath rolled out from his lips and over Link's.

Link: Like a clogged toilet overflowing across Zelda’s painstakingly-crafted mosaic bathroom floor.

Zelda: Man that’s like a vaguely normal disaster; compared to your other disasters I can’t even get mad about it.

Link: So does that mean I have permission to try and flush the rest of th—

Zelda: NO!!!

>>"No, I don't think you have been kissed before," Volga said,

DED: “I mean I asked you, and you said no, but why the hell would I ever listen to you when I can just declare stuff?”

>>earning another quick punch from Link.

Rauru: This is about the level of violence I have come to expect from Link’s romantic engagements.

Link: —am I going to do with those 400 pairs of mittens I ordered if I can’t flush them?


>>Volga laughed as a smile broke through Link's annoyance. "If you keep hitting me, I might strike you back," he warned,

DED: “Or if I’ve got indigestion, that tends to piss me off and I might strike you. Or I might strike you for no reason at all. Just when you’re least expecting it.”

>>grazing the tip of his index fingernail along his jaw. "You are better but you are not at full strength

Link: ...Next time on Dragon Ball Z!

>>and I see no honor in besting you at anything but your best.

DED: “I think I’d best best you at your best: that would be the best besting, for if I were to best you at less than your best, I’d be at best as lame as Pete Best, the original drummer for the Beatles. Best.”

>>I will have to do something about those hands to keep you from provoking me though."

Zelda: Oh my GOD, tell me about it.

>>Volga was quick and Link was quick but Volga was quicker,

Rauru: I...that...uuuuuuuuuughhh.

>>and stronger when he transfigured into his dragon arm,

Link: Dude, can you not bust out the dragon appendages during sex? ‘Cuz like, arms are where it starts, but I’ve seen dragon dildos and I am NOT about that.

>>grabbed both of Link's arms, and held them together by the wrist. Taking his scarf, he bound his hands together and tied the remaining length of cloth to the rail headboard.

DED: Wow, I’m so glad he found Link’s scarf! It’s coming in handy almost immediately!

>>Link pulled and twisted and otherwise tried to free himself

Rauru: “Ah ah ah, you didn’t say the safeword, Link! Oh, wait, you don’t speak...well you didn’t make the safe gesture! Oh, wait, your hands are tied...oh well!”

>>but the only way he could involved pulling and jerking the scarf until it tore in two and both of them knew that was never going to happen.

Link: I love my scarf more than I love not being raped.

>>Volga restored his human arm as he climbed into Link's bed and straddled his hips. "It really is for your own good, boy," he said,

Zelda: What is, restraining his arms? Huh, that’s the first sensible thing Volga has said all story.

>>sliding his nails up the underside of Link's raised arms as he nuzzled his neck.

Rauru: Someone produce me an ironclad definition of “nuzzle.”

DED: Wasn’t the phrase coined by Snoop Dogg?

>>A rather pleased growl rumbled in his throat as Link faintly sighed. "After all, a dragon protects its treasure."

Zelda: “By handcuffing it to the bed.”

>>Starting from his navel, the dragon knight ran his tongue up his chest, feeling the curves and valleys of his rolling muscles as Link arched his back and gasped.

Rauru: Also feeling an immediate and intense regret about his choice of lover.

>>He stroked his nipples with his palms,

Link: His palms? Come on, man, what is this bullshit? Are you even trying?

>>feeling the raised nubs plump and stiffen beneath his gently heated hands.

DED: Bold of this story to explore the erotic/medicinal potential of having one’s body being made of pure elemental flame.

>>"Doesn't take much for you," Volga grinned with far too much pride and satisfaction.

Zelda: Yeah, definitely, I’d say he needs a good dose of shame and disappointment.

Rauru: Well I’m sure at some point during intercourse with Link he will get a heaping helping of both.

>>Link's annoyed scowl gave way to a not-exactly-stifled moan

Link: Yeah and my boredom has given way to abject despair, WHY IS THIS STORY STILL GOING?!

DED: Will this story ever end? Is that even possible? Does anything exist outside of this story? Was there ever a time before it began?

>>as Volga tightly circled his thumbs over his hard nipples.

Link: Can’t keep my eyes from the circling thumbs, tongue-tied and twisted, just a bed-bound misfit, I!

>>Link closed his eyes and winced as he bent and worked his rigid, tender flesh.

Rauru: Okay how can it be both tender and rigid?

DED: Do you have any steak-based knowledge that could explain?

Rauru: It just doesn’t make sense! Like if you sprinkle it with pineapple enzymes, the steak gets more tender, but that makes it less rigid!

DED: What if nipples don’t work exactly like steaks?

Rauru: I don’t see why THAT would be true.

>>"Did you think his body would compare to mine?"

Zelda: I have to wonder why he keeps asking these questions when there’s NO WAY LINK CAN ANSWER.

>>There was a low purr in the dragon knight's voice

DED: See he’s a human/dragon shifter but also has a split personality that’s secretly a gay catboy half-vampire and he’s also genderfluid and poly OC do not steal.

>>as he pulled off his sleeveless undershirt, revealing his battle-hardened and scarred muscles,

Zelda: Point of contention here, but it’s his skin that’s scarred, not his muscles. If his muscles were actually interrupted by scar tissue, they wouldn’t work.

>>and watched as Link stared, his eyes taking their time slowly trailing up his sculpted form as his mouth remained open, gasping for breath.

Rauru: In his usual slack-jawed way.

>>"I know battle. I know fire and claws. I know beasts and humans alike hungry for my head.

Link: I...what?!

>>I have fought them all and I still stand. He knows cake."

Link: What the actual fuck?!? I am FREAKING OUT now.

>>Link was already breathless and flushed and every little gentle scratch of Volga's nails or rake of his teeth sent shudders throughout his young, fit body.

DED: Just floppin’ around uncontrollably like he’s being tased.

>>He was still far too quiet for Volga's liking. The dragon knight planned to correct that.

Rauru: By strapping a megaphone to him.

Zelda: Oh my God, please, don’t give Link any ideas.

>>"Suck," he ordered,

DED: Oh MAN, this story is WAY ahead of you.

>>bringing one of his nipples to Link's mouth.

Link: What a thoughtful present, this is DEFINITELY better than getting food and flowers and stuff from the guard.

>>He obeyed,

DED: A man chooses...

>>running his tongue up the soft bump before coaxing it forward,

Rauru: Is it a meat thermometer?

Zelda: Ssssssoooooooort of.

>>teeth nipping the firm, wet flesh. Volga tried to remain stoic but a single harsh grunt of pleasure escaped his lips.

Zelda: That, and a whole FUCKTON of superfluous dialogue.

>>"Not bad," Volga smirked,

DED: I beg to differ.

>>"but I'll teach you how to suck flesh."

Link: my five-part instructional video series, “Suck Flesh With the Besht!” Only $19.99 on DVD!

>>Hooking his fingers into his waistband, Volga pulled down Link's loose pants and wrapped his lips around his upright cock.

Rauru: Oh my GOD, FINALLY!

DED: I have never been impatient for a gay blowjob in literature until this moment.

>>He opened his legs wider and scraped his nails along his soft inner thighs,

Zelda: I have absolutely no idea who “his” refers to at any point in this phrase.

Link: Does it matter?

>>inciting a quite peculiar but nonetheless exciting, wavering whimper out of Link.

Rauru: It’s the newest dance sensation!

DED: The Number One Summer Jam, “Link’s Wavering Whimper!”

>>Under the dragon knight's long, drawn licks, the boy was a shuddering, writhing mess,

Zelda: ...And also for most of the rest of the time.

>>biting his lips to quiet his moans. As blood dribbled out onto his bottom lip,

Link: Whoa WHOA, I bit my lip so hard I drew blood? And this is how I’m reacting to just a blowjob? No, not even a blowjob, just a few dong-licks. Man, when the actual buttfucking starts, I’m probably going to bite down so hard it shatters every bone in my jaw.

Zelda: Like the time you tried to karate-chop a cinder block in half with your chin?

Link: Yeah!

>>Volga rose up

Rauru: Oh, I should think that he’s fully risen already.

>>and licked the blood off his lips, seizing his mouth in a rough kiss.

DED: Okay, that seems like a totally normal thing to do during sex that isn’t creepy and quite literally bloodthirsty at all.

>>"Do not silence yourself," he murmured huskily by Link's ear. "Speak, boy.

Link: Woof!

>>I want you to add my name to your rarely spoken words."

Rauru: “Like ‘hornswoggle’ and ‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.’”

Link: So he wants rarely speak his name? I can do him one better and just never say it at all!

>>Link sharply gasped

DED: Or maybe “dully gasped” is more appropriate to Link.

>>as Volga took hold of his cock and rolled his tongue around his tip.

Zelda: Using the tiny wheels attached to his tongue, no doubt.

Link: Hey, dragons be mysterious and shit.

>>Knowing he was close to coming and not wanting him to, Volga abruptly stopped and climbed out of bed.

Rauru: “Boy, that was close. But since you didn’t come, it wasn’t gay.”

>>Carefully looking through stock cabinets and drawers,

Zelda: ...was well beyond his capabilities.

>>Volga pretended to ignore Link as the confused boy called out to him and kicked the bed in a futile attempt to gain his attention.

DED: That’s not “pretending” to ignore him, that just is ignoring him.

Link: No no, it’s like I always tell Zelda, I’m not ignoring her when she tells me not to jump on the couch, I’m just pretending to ignore her.

Zelda: Yeah well I’m going to start PRETENDING to ignore your human rights and all constraints of conventional morality if you don’t stop jumping on the couch!

>>He found something useful in one of the cabinets

Rauru: A nose-hair trimmer?

Zelda: A roll of duct tape?

Link: A Leatherman multi-tool, iodine tablets, waterproof matches, wire saw, thermal blankets, and 1200 pounds of canned and freeze-dried food?

>>and returned to Link's bed, sitting down on the side. There were questions in Link's eyes,

DED: Oh so many questions.

Link: Yeah, like, what’s the deal with airline food? And what’s the deal with airlines? What’s the deal with air? Why do clowns have those diamond shapes painted over their eyes? What’s a serpentine belt, and can I slay it for loot? Who framed Roger Rabbit? How does a jack-in-the-box work? Why do your leg hairs always...

>>none of which Volga answered

Rauru: Are we surprised?

>>as he hastily turned Link onto his side and stuck his gel-coated fingers up his tight ass.

Zelda: Uhh, I think that probably does answer Link’s question.

>>He coated and stretched and massaged his inner walls,

DED: “Inner walls” is such a nicer phrase than “waiting room of poop.”

>>pressing on and into a particularly tender spot.

Link: Ah, that's his keen tactical awareness at work.

>>Link turned his head away and mashed his face into his arm and pillow to soften his moans.

Rauru: And that’s how Link got his face mashed.

>>Even with their short break, the boy was quickly once again gasping and shaking and on the verge of coming

Zelda: ...and snorting and panting and growling and drooling and rolling his eyeballs around in his head!

>>as the dragon knight circled and thumbed his entrance. The boy could handle walking for half-days on end, spar for hours until he was so tired he nodded off leaning on Volga's shoulder,

DED: Again, I have to ask, did the army fighting against the monstrous forces of death and destruction really have all this free time to be goofing off?

Zelda: Hey come on, training is important.

DED: Whoa yeah, those generic Hyrule Army dudes, boy, they’re a highly-trained engine of destruction, I tell you.

Zelda: Shut up.

>>but he couldn't last more than a few minutes of Volga just playing around and warming each other up for some hotter fun.

Link: Yeah, this is way more miserable than marching and fighting all day.

>>There was so much more he was going to have to teach this boy

Rauru: Link is dumb, water is wet, &c.

>>but even so, there was something exciting to his inexperience.

Zelda: Oh yeah, Link’s inexperience is “exciting,” like a plane crash is.

>>It had been a long time since Volga had someone so sensitive to his touch, who would gasp at a deep kiss,

DED: So we’re meant to believe that Volga has left behind a long string of gay lovers who are all just so bored with him kissing and caressing them and setting them on fire and violating them with his huge, freakish dragon dick. Really.

>>who was flushed and shined with sweat and shook with desire and Volga had yet to bed him.

Rauru: These are some specific requirements.

>>He untied his hands from his scarf, prompting the boy to look up at him and blink in uncertainty.

Link: Oh, yeah, I’m nervous now that he’s taking off the silk handcuffs.

>>The dragon knight had to chuckle low and softly at his wary but still willing wonder at what was coming next.

Zelda: For all his bluster, mighty though he is, he had to chuckle.

DED: Truly free will in this universe is a cruel illusion.

>>Volga raised Link's legs and rested them on his broad shoulders.

Link: Hey Jude, don’t make it bad, don’t carry my legs up on your shoulders...nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah naaaaaaaah naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

>>He couldn't help but sweep a hand down his smooth inner thigh.

Rauru: He wants to sweep the leg! I knew he was evil!

>>He wanted to indulge himself and bite into that soft skin but there would be other times for that

Link: Oh will there now.

>>and there was a more pressing need he wanted to satisfy.

Zelda: The need for...not, in fact, quite the opposite, the need to drag everything right the fuck out.

DED: Oh we’ll scuttle the story and run ‘er aground, we’ll try and we’ll try just to slow the plot down! Yo, ho, slow the plot down...

>>He pushed past Link's entrance slowly. Even with his plentiful stretching and lubricant,

Link: Man, I’m not a homophobe or anything but like, there is no way to make anal sex sound elegant and literary.

Zelda: Honestly at this point in my MST career, I’m pretty sure there’s no way to make any sex worth reading about.

>>he was still tight around Volga's thick cock.

Rauru: Hey wait a second, they never described Volga getting his cock out. Like as far as we know he was still wearing pants.

>>Link winced and gripped the mattress as Volga made a trial thrust.

DED: A trial for what. Why. Seriously I have no idea why but this makes me headachey and upset.

Zelda: Oh yeah I’m still a virgin, technically, those were all just “trial thrusts” they weren’t the real thing.

>>He paused, still fully sheathed inside him, and wondered if the boy was ready to handle him.

Link: Yeah definitely, we blazed our way right to the first sexual thrust in a scant 70 pages. There’s no way we can sustain that pace, better stop and fucking pontificate for a while.

>>He realized he could after Link gave him an encouraging knock to the side of his head and smiled through his grimace.

DED: So Link is literally hitting him and he interprets this as endorsement to continue. It’s kind of not funny anymore, he is just a sociopathic rapist.

>>"I warned you about provoking me," he said,

Rauru: “Remember how my hands burst into flame earlier? Do you want that to happen while I’m stroking your taint? I thought not.”

>>smiling wickedly through his low, rumbling growl as he leaned down and kissed his neck.

Zelda: Is he, like, rolling a die and consulting a table to decide where he kisses?

DED: He must be a GURPS player.

>>Volga pushed Link's legs closer to his chest as he sped up his thrusts.

Rauru: THIS position will no doubt speed up the healing process.

>>Link's mouth hung open in a silent gasp and voiced a few high groans from time to time

Zelda: Sounds like the time I tried to explain the premise of vacuuming to him.

Link: But don’t get dirty! I don’t see any dirt and that means there CAN’T be any dirt! So all it does is make lines on the carpet! Why not just sew the lines into the carpet at the factory! Yaahahahhhggghhh *flops back, mouth hanging open*

>>as the dragon knight's cock pressed and stretched along his slick inner walls.

DED: Is he going to have to explain his anal pain and bleeding to a nurse at some point? Using only grunting and hand gestures? ‘Cause I’d love to see that.

Zelda: Say, come to think of it, where’s the fairy during all this? Y’know, the fairy, who was established earlier as being aware and talkative and having a vested interest in Link’s well-being, especially when it comes to Volga messing with him?

Link: If she knows what’s good for her, she’s in the other room humming loudly to herself and paying NO ATTENTION to this.

Rauru: We really do need a story where Navi is hovering around the whole time, going, “Hey! Link! Hey! His dick is in your butt, Link! It’s in your butt! Does that hurt? I feel like it would hurt! But you don’t seem to mind! Wow! Hey!”

>>"Do you think he could have satisfied you this way?" he asked sardonically,

Zelda: Man, for someone who claims to be so much better than that random faceless nameless guard, who’s just a worm and an insect without honor and blah blah blah, Volga sure seems insecure.

>>as the wooden rail headboard rapped against the hospital's stone walls.

Rauru: Well that’s gonna be loud as hell, good thinking.

>>Sparring and sex were not that different to Volga.

Link: He’s a failure at both?

>>In both, he dominated, with fire and force few could ever match and even fewer had ever bested him.

DED: Is sex something you can “best” someone at? Isn’t it a cooperative effort? Aren’t we being overly confrontational here?

Link: Look man, love is a battlefield.

>>A curious swell of pride and desire flooded and powered Volga's body as Link met his fire and force,

Zelda: So what this is saying is that all of Volga’s fire and force can be matched by a much smaller man who is crippled and bedridden.

>>grunting and snarling with desire and fighting grit alongside him, their bodies voraciously seeking their reuniting clash.

Link: That’s the most poetical description of the meat-slapping sound of thighs rhythmically smacking against buttocks I’ve ever heard.

>>"Remember how you feel right now, how I feel, how we feel together…"


>>Volga said, his breath and words staggered. "And know that no one else will ever make you feel this way

Rauru: Violated? Annoyed? Dyspeptic? Vaguely bored and disappointed?

>>like I have. You are mine."

Zelda: Be careful what you wish for, motherfucker.

>>Volga grabbed a hold of and clenched Link's ass as he and Link came, their sex-raged faces flushed and dripping with sweat.

DED: I think after all these years of MSTs, we’re all quite familiar with sex-rage.

>>Link laid back and panted, brushing back the sweat and hair out of his closed eyes and laughed silently.

Link: Yep, this has been a farcical affair all around.

>>As crazy as he looked laying there laughing to himself, Volga understood his madness.

Rauru: That’s no mean feat.

Link: Oh, he certainly doesn’t understand all of it.

>>He felt the same conflicting wash of serene comfort and restless excitement for more.

DED: Like when you’re halfway through taking a dump.

>>The dragon knight grinned as he swept his hands up and down his legs. "…Mine,"

Link: My leg doesn’t work! I’m in no shape for mining!

>>he purred gruffly and kissed his inner thighs, scraping his teeth against his tender skin in little half-nip love bites.

Zelda: I know Volga is supposed to be the dom and Link is the sub, but like, seriously, has Link done anything so far? Kissed back? Moved an arm?

>>"…Vol…ga," Link spoke hoarsely.

Rauru: Well that was a productive use of his once-a-year speech allowance.

>>He raised his head and stared for a second in stunned silence at the sound of Link's voice.

DED: Now Volga can’t speak any more! Doo hoo hoo how wacky!

>>Volga knew that while the boy could speak, it caused him pain

Zelda: Oh, it causes ALL of us pain.

>>to do so the boy spoke with his hands or through the fairy and only spoke himself when it was of the utmost importance to him.

Link: And I guess it was of the utmost importance to me to mumble his name for no reason after he quasi-raped me.

>>He smirked with far too much pleasure and lust

DED: “Far too much pleasure and lust” is also the author’s expectation for what readers would feel reading this story.

>>as he crawled up and kissed the side of Link's head.

Rauru: And whispered “boom, headshot” softly into his ear, and continued to quote ancient memes as he raped him again and again.

Link: Wow, thanks for the nightmares, Rauru.

>>As he had crawled toward him, Link wrapped his arms behind Volga's head and, after his kiss, for a moment

Zelda: ...he thought he saw a better, briefer story, glittering somewhere on the horizon, but then it was gone.

>>and like so many times before,

Rauru: *eats something comically unhealthy*

Zelda: *gets drunk*

Link: *does something stupid*

DED: *pedantically criticizes*

>>he pressed his forehead against the dragon knight's and grinned.

Link: And then what, I swap faces with him and steal his identity? WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?! END!!!

>>If hearing his name was not enough proof, this familiar touch was sign enough for the dragon knight that he was his.

Zelda: Okay, so two mumbled syllables and a brief proximity of foreheads is all it takes to establish ownership over a HUMAN BEING. I’m...surprisingly okay with this. Link, get over here, we’re doing this thing.

Link: You can’t own me, I’m the wind, baby. I just gotta ramble on.

>>Volga nuzzled and licked his neck and growled affectionately

Rauru: Are we sure he’s a dragon and not a cat?

>>as Link laid beside him on his side wrapped up in his arms and enjoyed every bit of his warmth.

DED: As you can see here on the thermal imaging camera.

>>"When the witch is dead,

Link: Which old witch?

Zelda: The wicked witch!

>>I will snatch you up and fly you to my den. There you will be safe and mine forever."

Rauru: “We’ll play video games. I have beanbag chairs there. It’s comfy. Why are you running away?”

>>He felt Link shake with laughter.

Link: Oh I get it, because laughter is the best medicine! He’s trying to heal me after all!

Zelda: But I’ve been laughing at how ridiculous this story is all day long, and I feel like I’m dying.

Link: Laughter can only do so much.

>>"You think I am telling a joke," Volga said,

DED: ...Not particularly.

>>smiling darkly, as he held Link a bit closer and tighter, "but as even the Sheikah will attest, I do not possess a sense of humor."

Zelda: Yes, indeed, that is among the MANY flaws of yours that this story has exhaustively detailed.

>>Link wriggled an arm free and cuffed Volga on the head, grinning playfully the entire time.

Rauru: Is there any facet of their relationship that isn’t founded on abuse?

Zelda: Come on, a little abuse is the mortar that holds the bricks of romance together! IN ITS RUTHLESS UNWAVERING GRASP, OR ELSE!

>>"It will not be long, you know,"


>>Volga said, laughing low in his throat as he grabbed and held down Link's freed arm without any force.

Link: So in what sense of the word is it “held?”

DED: Not even the nuclear forces that hold together his atoms and molecules?

>>"She wants you for herself, which means she will try to take you from me, and for that, she is a dead witch."

Rauru: I dunno, that sounds suspiciously like Volga is gonna actually go out and do something useful, and I think his stance on such actions is well-established.

>>Link held his hands together as if they were bound again.

Zelda: Or as if he was praying for this story to be FINALLY OVER.

>>"Yes, I am going to kill her for that too," Volga said,

Rauru: “In fact, let me take this opportunity to enumerate all the people I’m going to kill.”

>>rubbing a hand up and along Link's stomach as he leaned down and kissed his shoulder.

Link: The ratio of random-body-part-kisses to lip-kisses is like 15-to-1.

DED: This is some terrible RNG.

>>"But I am never going to let anyone take my treasure."

Link: We can share!

DED: Okay, so now what, some more talking about how the guard is a worthless worm? Some more berating Link in spite of the fact that he kicked your ass? Ooh maybe the guard is going to come back and be milquetoast some more!

Rauru: Wait, slow down...something’s...wrong.

Link: Could it be?

Zelda: There are no more story words here! Oh my GOD, it’s over!

DED: Praise RNGesus!

Rauru: Shut up about RNG!

Zelda: Man, thank goodness it finally ended. I really have to piss.

Link: Ha ha, as for me, thanks to my remarkable tube, I’ve been able to enjoy th—

Zelda: GAHHHHH!!

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