In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space
We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:
Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “Bravissimo!”
Rauru! “Can anybody find meeee...some butter for lunch?”
Zelda! “The kind of girl you read about in new-wave magazines!”
Link! “Ain’t nobody dope as me!”
If you don’t get how he stays alive
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!
>>You couldn't sleep for the life of you.
DED: Hey, don’t tell me what I can and can’t do! I’m not taking orders from my porno!
Zelda: The porno is right, though.
DED: Well, okay, it is 4 AM right now and I can’t sleep, but...come on! Why does this story have to be so confrontational right off the bat?
Rauru: Yeah, really, “You couldn’t sleep if your life depended on it, you sucker! You’re pathetic.”
>>Your head was weary, but your mind wandering.
DED: Your head grew heavy and your sight grew dim...you had to stop for the night.
Link: So is this gonna be another Second-Person Wolf story?
Zelda: Maybe a choose-your-own-adventure?
Link: A choose-your-own-adventure where all roads lead to porn would be pretty...huh. I was going to say “neat” but...not really. Interesting? Wait, no, not that either. It would be...would be...a thing. It sure would be a thing.
>>As you turned in your bed,
Rauru: ...turned it in? To who? Why?
DED: Some kind of bed-exchange program.
Zelda: Or maybe the bed was wanted for a crime.
>>you knew what you wanted– what you needed–
Rauru: A glass of warm milk?
Zelda: A bedtime story?
>>and that you had to get it, now.
Rauru: Well whatever it is you want and need, you’d better hope the store that has it is open late.
>>Tiptoeing out of the bedroom in Hyrule Castle, you walked down the guest corridor
DED: The...“guest corridor.”
Zelda: Look, the guest rooms are all connected by the guest corridor, it’s not complicated.
Link: I thought you had an entire guest annex.
Zelda: Yes, that’s WHERE THESE THINGS ARE, cripes!
>>to where Link was sleeping.
Rauru: Just thinking about it made you mad...the way he flaunted his ability to sleep, when you couldn’t...you turned the knife over and over in your sweaty hands...you’d show him...
>>As kind as it was of Zelda to let you both stay the night,
Link: “Hey Zelda, it’s me, Link, and my generic ambiguous friend, can we sleep over?”
Zelda: “I dunno, will you two behave yourselves?”
Link: “I can’t speak for my friend, because...well, he or possibly she has no strictly defined traits whatsoever.”
Zelda: “All right, well, lights out at 11.”
>>she had given you separate rooms,
DED: Oh the generosity.
>>which disappointed you.
Zelda: Well sorry to disappoint, but you can’t sleep with me. I don’t even know your name or gender.
>>You weren't sure how Lin felt about this,
Link: Well I feel a little upset that you can’t get my name right in a story ABOUT ME...
>>as you turned the doorknob to his room and stepped inside.
Rauru: Moving your legs sequentially, relying on the friction between the soles of your feet and the floor to propel you in a forward direction.
>>The moon was bright,
DED: Oh, maybe THAT’S why I can’t sleep.
>>so you could see Link's form in bed.
Link: Link’s form in...Oh that’s right, I nodded off while doing my taxes.
Zelda: Link, how many times do I have to tell you, all your income is routed through the slush fund and my various wholly owned subsidiaries, it’s all off the books.
Link: Okay, okay, by “doing my taxes” I meant making paper airplanes out of the forms.
>>He was on his side, facing you, eyes closed. Maybe he was asleep.
DED: Oh, is THAT what people are doing when they’re lying in bed with their eyes closed?
>>No matter, you thought.
Zelda: Wow, you must be as clueless and inconsiderate as HE is.
>>It would be worth it to wake him.
Link: I’m gonna go out on a limb here and take a guess that...nnnnnnno, it won’t.
>>As you climbed into bed next to him, Link's eyes fluttered open.
Rauru: Like two beautiful butterflies filled with clear jelly.
>>"_? What is it?
DED: ...the hell?
Link: Is this a Mad Lib?
>>Is everything all right?"
Zelda: I would highly doubt that everything, everywhere, is all right.
>>his cerulean blues were taking you in with worry.
Rauru: Anxiety is my fetish.
>>"Of course," you whispered, "Just...I can't sleep..."
DED: “I just HAD to know if your room was nicer than mine!”
Link: “...am I supposed to care?”
>>Link went to sit up, but you stopped him,
Rauru: No sit-ups on MY watch!
Zelda: Surprising no one...
>>pushing him gently onto his back as you crawled on top of him,
DED: Well YOU’RE not shy...
Zelda: Surprise sex!
>>You took a chance and pressed your lips to his.
Link: You bought a lottery ticket and then kissed me. Sounds like a rich, full day.
>>He was warm and welcoming, like a lantern in the window of an inn when it was a blustery, rainy day.
Rauru: Or like a fresh, hot bowl of nacho cheese sauce, ripe for the dipping.
Link: Or like a...Wal-Mart greeter who was...on fire.
DED: Your similes need work.
>>To your surprise, Link kissed you back,
Zelda: See, if your lips are in contact with his, it’s sort of impossible for him to not be “kissing you back.”
>>a little more aggressive than expected,
Rauru: Really? Aggression? From the guy who spends all his time smashing pottery and slaughtering dozens and dozens of monsters? Inconceivable.
>>but then it was a turn on.
>>"I want you,"
Zelda: ...to want me, I need you to need me...
>>you whispered, breaking the kiss, "Please..."
Link: Well THAT’S polite of you! I mean breaking into my bedroom and straddling me and kissing me without permission was a bad start, but...
>>Link pressed his forehead to yours, "Are you sure, _?
DED: This whole second-person narration thing is...kind of showing some drawbacks at this point.
>>This will change things."
Link: “You know...things...”
DED: Everything changes things, entropy is inescapable.
>>He paused. "Even that kiss, will change things..."
Rauru: That kiss did, had, will, will have, and will have been being changing things.
>>"Do you want them to change?" you asked him,
Link: That...rather depends. Will you turn into a pumpkin at midnight or something?
>>your eyes begging him to say yes.
Zelda: Why don’t you use your mouth to beg? That will probably sell the point better.
>>You had been in love with Link from the start.
Rauru: But up until this point you’d had no trouble sleeping, so there was no reason to tell him.
>>Even growing up in the village, he was always the one you wanted.
DED: What does that phrase “Even growing up in the village” signify in this sentence? So, like, the fact that you grew up in a village makes it...more exceptional that he’s the one you wanted? Less?
Zelda: Maybe if you’d grown up in a big city you’d have found a better catch.
Link: Pssh, yeah right.
>>When he chose you to accompany him
Rauru: ...Zelda canon was COMPLETELY hosed.
Link: I don’t think I have literally ever chosen someone to accompany me. I’ve had fairies, imps, sword spirits, blue chickens, Deku princesses, and Marin foisted on me, but never once did I get to actually choose.
>>(well, you sort of wound up there,
>>given you two were the only ones left behind when the twilight fell)
Zelda: Well, except for Agatha, Telma, Shad, Ashei, all the Gorons, all the Zoras...eh, who’s counting?
>>on his quest, you saw him through the trials and tribulations.
Rauru: Spitefully, you saw him through his trials but NOT his tribulations.
Zelda: He can solve his own damn tribulations.
>>Bandaged his wounds, hid in the caves, fought by his side.
Link: That’s so noble of you, the way you...hid in those caves...
>>Even Midna, who didn't like anyone from the light besides Link,
DED: ...“Like” is a funny word for what Midna did to him.
>>saw that you two belonged together.
Rauru: ...IN HELL!
>>Thankfully, she only voiced this opinion to you.
Zelda: Midna, not saying things? I am thankful for that.
>>"It's always been you, _,"
DED: “Only you, Underscore.”
>>Link said quietly, "Let us be damned if we're wrong."
Link: ...Or maaaaaaybe we could, like...not be damned if we’re wrong.
Rauru: I mean, it’d be just as easy to not damn ourselves unnecessarily.
>>He pulled you into another kiss,
Zelda: How do we know he pulled you? What if he pushed, or poked or prodded?
DED: I think "dragged" is probably the right verb.
>>this one deeper and heavier. It felt like heaven,
Link: Oh yeah, heaven always feels deep and heavy, like being crushed by the pressure at the bottom of the ocean.
>>but you wanted more.
Rauru: Typical of you, really.
>>The linen shirt Link was wearing slipped over his head with the aid of your hands,
DED: Sooooo the shirt slipped over his head primarily by its own volition, and your hands only kind of helped?
>>revealing a toned warrior's body.
Zelda: Wonder where he found it.
Rauru: You shouldn’t play with it, you don’t know where it’s been.
>>You traced your hand along the scar from when he fought the shadow beasts,
Link: Oh, thanks, yeah, that’s a real turn-on, being reminded how I was mutilated by shadow beasts.
>>remembering the night spent in the inn, watching over him.
DED: It was touching and romantic for about the first five hours, then it got a liiiiiiiittle tedious.
>>"I love you, _,"
Zelda: Say my name, say my name! Actin’ kinda shady, ain’t callin’ me baby...
>>Link said suddenly,
Rauru: Y’know, given what’s happened so far, it’s not really that surprising...
>>"And I don't care if you don't love me back…
>>but I couldn't have saved Hyrule without you.
Link: “No matter how much I would have liked to.”
>>I would be dead if you hadn't been there."
Rauru: So he wouldn't not be not alive if you hadn't not been not elsewhere?
>>His words melted your heart,
Zelda: Ouch, that sounds like a super-villain power to me.
DED: Remember that episode of The X-Files where "the pusher" told the guy over the phone to have a heart attack and he did?
>>making you kiss him again, "I love you too, and you always knew it."
Zelda: "You were just too busy being mauled by shadow beasts to express it. By the way, how's that going? Did the feeling ever come back to your left arm?"
>>Link smiled a bit then, "It took me a stupid long time, though."
DED: Been a long time been a long time been a long stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid time...
>>"We have all the time in the world now."
Rauru: Um...not...really, no. You don’t.
Link: You’re thinking of, I dunno, Majora’s Mask or something.
Zelda: Who you callin’ a butt?
>>"But what?" Now you were worried.
DED: As well you should be.
Link: ...turned upside down, and I’d like to take a minute, just keep your cool, and tell you how I became the prince of a land called Hyrule!
>>you so he was on top, "But you have to promise to keep quiet.
>>We don't want to guards coming down here."
Zelda: Want to...have guards coming down here? Want two guards coming down here?
>>You smirked a little, "Take me..."
DED: ...to, Funkytown! Won’t you take me to...
>>Things started to get heated
Link: Oh, the heater kicked on.
>>as Link kissed your neck,
Rauru: OH SO HOT
>>gently sucking as he went down. Not stopping to leave marks, of course,
Zelda: BDSM comes later.
>>because it wasn't yet winter in Hyrule so scarves were not an option.
Link: What about my sweet blue Hyrule Warriors cape? That thing is rad!
DED: Does it hide hickeys, though?
Link: Dude, that game was basically a harem of Zelda girls from across the franchise, plus even more girls they just made up. Why do you think I wore it?
>>Your hands wandered into his hair,
Rauru: Well, at least your out-of-control hands didn’t do something even more embarrassing.
>>running through handfuls of that dirty blonde
DED: OOOOOOOO I hates that low-down dirty blonde!
Link: I resent that. Who’s to say that my blonde isn’t the clean blonde, and all the OTHER blondes are the dirty ones?
>>you had come to adore.
Zelda: The rest of Link you were ambivalent about, but his hair color, mmm-MMMMMMM. Snap that up while you can.
>>Upon reaching your collarbone, Link unbuttoned your night dress and helped slip it off,
Rauru: Otherwise he’d have to just kiss his way down the dress itself, which would be pretty counter-productive.
DED: Oh, okay, here we are 670 words in and we’ve finally gotten a hint as to the protagonist’s gender. Sure, that’s good pacing.
>>revealing your half naked body for the first time.
Link: So I guess I only took half the dress off.
>>His eyes widened with lust,
>>"You're so beautiful, _
Rauru: Could they maybe make the underscore a bit longer? It’s gonna be hard to fit my name in that one-character-long line.
Link: Um, even though this story is supposed to be about the reader, I don’t think it could ever possibly be about you, Rauru.
>>...more beautiful than I imagined..." Hungrily he attacked your breasts,
DED: Okay, breasts. So I guess Reader-kun is confirmed for girl.
Zelda: Well not confirmed yet, per se, I mean men can have breasts.
DED: Rauru has breasts. Maybe it IS about Rauru!
>>licking the nipples in a circular motion
Zelda: Using his pair of foot-long tongues, I guess.
>>before gently suckling, causing you to squirm beneath him.
DED: Welp, he’s discomfitingly bad at lovemaking, let’s all pretend to be surprised.
>>Your hands grasped handfuls of his hair, making him growl.
Link: I would be upset if you were pulling fistfuls of my hair out.
>>It made your smirk, remembering his vicious wolf form.
Rauru: Yeah! That was hilarious!
>>It seemed he kept part of that with him even as a Kokiri.
DED: Kokiri aren’t a thing in TwiPriVerse, I call bullshit!
>>All that was left was your underwear and his.
Link: But where did our bodies go?!
>>You gestured for him to get on his back
Zelda: Using Hyrulian Sign Language.
>>as you pulled his off. Link watched in amazement
Link: “WOW, you’re capable of taking my underwear off, WOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!”
>>as you took his exposed length (and a good size he was)
Rauru: Aye, of a goodly size were he, breachin’ off the port bow afore our proud vessel...I were three and twenty year of age, billeted on the Blubber Lubber, the tall four-master off the Nantucket shores, true to the last as our mettle was tested in the Roaring Forties as a fierce nor’easter buffeted the poop deck…
DED: What in the HELL are you talking about.
>>into your mouth,
Rauru: ...“Hard a’starboard!” the skipper cried, the jibboom cracking in the swell as we belayed th...oh hey, putting things in your mouth, that snapped me right out of it.
>>sucking on the head first before slowly taking all of him.
Zelda: Well it’s not like you can start with the base and then suck on the head.
>>His eyes squeezed shut and he moaned, reaching for your hands and entwining your fingers.
DED: So he’s holding both of your hands, off of the surface of the bed, and you’re raising and lowering your head to administer the blowjob...bent at the waist? Just going up and down like one of those drinking birds, basically doing ab crunches over and over and over?
Zelda: Dude, I keep telling y’all, it’s hard.
>>Your head bobbed up and down,
Rauru: What is love?
Link: Um, the headbob itself isn’t what’s pleasuring me.
>>your Hero, your own precious Link.
DED: Comes with everything you see here. Each sold separately. Contains small parts that may be a choking hazard.
>>The boy you loved and the boy who loved you.
Zelda: ...are sadly nowhere to be found in this story.
>>His hips moved in motion with your head,
DED: Okay okay, so maybe you’re not even really bobbing your head while he holds your hands, you’re just letting your neck and spine go slack and he’s thrusting up and smacking you in the face with his pelvis, causing your head to bounce up and down without you actually…
Rauru: Or maybe the author just didn’t think this through very thoroughly.
DED: Why would you ever think that?
>>his mumblings of ecstasy inaudible.
Zelda: Man, I wish all of his mumblings were inaudible.
Link: ...so I said to the bailiff, “Whaddaya MEAN ‘indecent exposure?’ The boys were immaculate! Showroom condition!” Then he started saying stuff but I wasn’t really listening, I was looking at the courtroom furniture and wondering what it would be like if it was all made of chocolate, I mean it was kind of hot and stuffy in there so it would probably melt but you could totally...
>>Glancing up, you saw Link writhing in bed, all at your expense.
Rauru: “At your expense?” That’s kind of an, I dunno, bitter way of putting it.
Zelda: But it’s COMPLETELY TRUE.
>>There was nothing more rewarding than pleasuring him, you thought.
DED: ...at FIRST...
>>A slight salty taste alerted you that Link was loving this,
Link: Love tastes like salt. Noted.
Rauru: I do love these potato chips…*munch crunch*
>>but you didn't want to rush him.
Zelda: AH HA HA HA ha ha, ah ha, ahha, ha, ha, good luck with that.
Link: Ha ha ha ha yeah! ...I don’t get it.
>>After a few more minutes, you lifted your head and crawled up to him,
DED: ...bored out of your tiny skull.
>>letting him slip off your underwear.
Link: “Uhh, you realize that I’m basically like halfway there and you haven’t even started yet, so I’m going to come in about 80 seconds and then you...eh, whatever.”
>>Link's hand reached down and touched your clit, softly,
Rauru: Well HE’S not messing around.
Zelda: I appreciate his directness...sometimes.
>>"Are you ready, _?"
Link: Are you ready, _, are you ready for this? Are you hangin’ on the edge of your seat?
>>You nodded, "I've never been more ready for anything..."
Rauru: ...So you haven’t always not failed to be not more less not unready for not nothing?
>>Link's finger's slipped further and stroked your wet entrance,
DED: The wet entrance is for loading and unloading of wet only.
>>forcing a moan out of you. For the first time
Rauru: ...You’re telling me you’ve never moaned before?
DED: Um, there’s more sentence.
>>you were happy you weren't a virgin.
Zelda: You slattern.
Link: Hey whoa, #NoHymenNoDiamond.
>>Of course, you'd had boyfriends,
Rauru: Because you’re just SOOOOOO sexy and cute and smart and nice and perfect!
>>but it was always him you had wanted.
Link: Wow, you’re really bad at getting what you want.
Zelda: Like how you wanted to go to sleep, but couldn’t, and now you’re in here doing this instead.
>>The timing was just never right.
DED: Oh yeah, sure. Feel free to sleep around like a baboon in estrus until “the timing is right.”
>>But now he was yours.
Link: At least until I decide “the timing isn’t right” and go off and bang anybody who spreads for it.
>>You stared longingly as Link positioned himself,
Rauru: Longing for the chance to go back in time, give up on seducing Link, and just take an Ambien instead.
>>pressing in slowly at first.
Zelda: And also slowly later.
>>There was a bit of pain due to his size,
DED: There are a number of other things in this story that are painful as well.
>>but you adjusted after the first few thrusts,
Link: Adjusted your expectations, that is, because the size of my colossal dong has shattered them all.
>>and sunk into pure bliss.
Rauru: ...Link’s Tempur-Pedic adjustable bed from Mattress Discounters!
>>Link kissed you,
Zelda: Oh yeah, I remember that, it was like two and half pages ago.
>>moving his hips as he thrusted in and out, deeper each time.
DED: Until he eventually got so deep he scrambled all your organs and you bled to death internally.
>>He moaned into your mouth as you engulfed him, both in body and mind.
Link: OH GOD MY MIND HAS BEEN ENGULFED!
Zelda: Not that that’s much of an accomplishment.
Link: I AM UNMOORED FROM REALITY FOREVER!
>>"You're so tight, _..."
Rauru: It would have been more fun if the name was fixed but a bunch of other random nouns and adjectives were fill-in-the-blank.
DED: “You’re so _, Jennifer.”
>>Link whispered, starting to pant as he went faster, "I've never...felt anything like this..."
Link: But you have, because you’re a big giant slut.
DED: Now come on, just because Reader-senpai may have had a few sexual partners before you, that doesn't necessarily mean she's easy. She might well have been very discerning and responsible with her gentlemen callers, proceeding slowly and cautiously in their relationship until she felt th—
Link: —HARLOT! HUSSY! JEZEBEL!
>>You felt yourself blush, unable to believe this was actually happening.
Rauru: You and me both.
Zelda: Your faith is weak.
>>But it was,
>>and you wanted everything you could from the experience.
DED: Mostly sleep, though.
>>You turned over and forced him down,
Rauru: He tastes just AWFUL!
>>starting to bounce up and down, making the bed jerk back and forth.
Zelda: The bed jerk, of course, being YOU! HA! BURRRRRRRN!
>>Link's hands grasped your hips, watching in ecstasy as he plunged in and out of you.
Link: I’m ecstatic about watching!
>>He murmured something along the lights of "so wet,"
DED: The lights are wet? They’re gonna short out.
>>and you went faster.
Rauru: Oh, I guess you mistook the phrase “so wet” for the phrase “go faster.”
Zelda: Common mistake.
>>This drove him absolutely crazy,
Link: MAD I TELL YOU! MAD!!!
>>causing him to moan your name
Zelda: ...whatever it is...
>>with every deep penetration. You were soaking now,
Link: Super Soaking now...
>>feeling it running down your thighs and even Link's.
DED: Yeah runnin’ down a thigh, goin’ wherever it leads...
>>The bed was rocking so hard now
>>that Link took it into his own hands to switch positions.
Link: I...took...the bed...in my hands. To switch positions.
DED: ‘Swhat it says.
>>You drove your head into the pillow,
Zelda: Accruing 7 points on your driver’s license for your carelessness.
>>lifting your hips
Rauru: ...up, out through your skin...
>>as Link entered you from behind, his hands reaching to massage your breasts
Link: Ah yes, the euphemism of the century, “massaging” breasts.
Zelda: No court in the world would convict you of a simple massage!
>>as he fucked you. Gently, you both moved
DED: Stupid, was this story.
>>so you were lying down and he nearly on top of you.
Rauru: He nearly on top! Me am surprise!
>>From this angle,
Link: Oh yeah, the lying-down angle, I'm familiar with that one.
>>you felt something stir within you
Rauru: Why merely stir? Why not "whisk" or "julienne" within yourself?
>>and the familiar feeling of an orgasm started to build up, the pleasure climbing.
DED: Highs in the upper 70s, chance of scattered showers in the evening.
>>"Link, I..." you tried to gasp,
Zelda: "Yes, yes! It's working! I can sleep now! *ZZZZZZZZZZZsnerkZZZZZZZZZZZ*"
>>but it hit you like a wave
Link: ...was it a wave?
>>so fast your words were drowned out.
Rauru: Drowned? Wave? Drowned?! GET IT?!?!?
>>He pushed your head into the pillow so you could scream out in pleasure,
DED: Ooooor to try and suffocate you. But it’s probably not that.
>>and all of a sudden you heard him whispering, "I'm so close, _,
Zelda: How DARE he cry out potentially another woman’s name while we’re making love?!
Link: Waitwaitwaitwait, is – the same person as _? Is – _’s hot twin sister?
Rauru: Oh and by the way, hello, blind person hearing this story via text parser! Are you confused yet?
>>As if the gods above had chosen it, you both came at the same time,
DED: If the gods really have nothing better to do with their time than to coordinate people’s orgasms, then we’re dealing with a severe theological crisis.
>>Link holding onto you so tightly that you thought you were both going to burst.
Link: Well, um, I do have those magic gauntlets that let me lift up 70-ton slabs of obsidian...
>>The stars fell upon you both as you fell into pure, absolute bliss,
Zelda: Wait so I guess the stars were falling faster than you were falling into bliss, so they caught up with you as you fell and then you landed in the bliss simultaneous to being struck by the falling stars...
>>his seed filling your womb.
Rauru: In honor of the purpose of his or her conception, I hope they name the child “Chloral Hydrate.”
>>It was the most pleasurable orgasm and greatest sex you had ever experienced.
DED: It was also, you would come to realize later, the moment that you lost all control over your life.
>>When it finally ended, Link collapsed next to you, out of breath.
Link: You know, I’m probably exhausted. Long day of slaying colossal monsters, smashing pottery, looking at people and not saying anything as they talk to me...I’m beat. You’ll note I didn’t have any problems falling asleep.
Zelda: Well, look, at least by fucking Reader-chan gently to sleep you’ve done something useful today.
>>You were about to turn to him when he pulled you close, kissing you softly,
DED: On the back of the head, I guess.
Rauru: But why n...oh because you were ABOUT to turn to him, so he...pulled you close backwards and...huh.
>>"You able to sleep now, my love?"
Link: “Thanks to the sedatives in my semen?”
>>"Yeah," you replied,
Zelda: “For SOME reason...”
DED: I thought it was men who fell asleep embarrassingly quickly after sex.
>>just as breathless, "That was...amazing..."
Rauru: “I can’t believe that worked!”
Zelda: Yep, the ol’ “I-can’t-sleep-so-let’s-have-sex” tactic.
>>Link smiled, nuzzling you, "I love you, _."
Link: “And I’ll love you even more as soon as you tell me your name...”
>>You took in the words,
DED: Hmm...yes...those words...very complicated...hmmmm...better think hard about this...
>>the warmth of his naked body against yours
Rauru: Unfortunately it’s the hottest summer in Hyrulian history and air conditioners haven’t been invented yet.
>>and the brightness of his eyes even in the near dark.
Zelda: “Oh honey, are you channeling the unholy power of Satan again?”
>>"I love you too, Link."
Link: “I love you Toon Link!”
Zelda: This has to be the first consummation of romantic feelings we’ve yet read about to be motivated entirely by insomnia.
DED: Yeah, and it didn’t even work: Reader said she could sleep now, but we see no evidence of it.
Rauru: She probably should have tried more conventional pharmacological solutions first.
Link: No no no, I’m in favor of this natural holistic remedy.