Monday, May 11, 2015

“Expressions of Lust” by UlforceDiizoid

In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space

We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:

Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “My camera is obscura!”
Rauru! “Cook, serve, delicious!”
Zelda! “That girl is pretty kinky—the girl’s a super freak!”
Link! “But who was phone?”
If you don’t get how he stays alive
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!

>>"Master, I detect elevated stress in your expression and mood."

Link: I detect a long-winded boinking story!

DED: Oh great, it's another story starring Sword Clippy.

>>Link groaned beneath his breath

Zelda: So he's...lying on his back?

Rauru: Looking up at the ceiling?

>>at the sword spirit's interruption.

Link: Man, I was busy! Busy thinking about hats! And ostriches! And ostriches wearing hats!

>>How did she find me again? he wondered,

Rauru: "I put a sack on her head and pushed her out of an airplane over the Cambodian jungle, how did she do it?!"

>>eyes slipping open to find the oddly garbed Fi

Zelda: Her garb isn't the oddest thing about her.

DED: Up there, though.

>>hovering over his shoulder. Doesn't she understand the meaning of privacy?

Zelda: Or the meaning of "eleemosynary?"

Rauru: Doesn't she even know what a necktie on the doorknob means?

>>He had left the Goddess Sword safely nestled in its sheath in his room a floor below,

DED: Oh, so this incredibly important artifact that's essential to saving the world is "safely" left nowhere near him where he can't keep an eye on it.

Zelda: Link has always had a...different definition of "safety."

>>along with the rest of his overbearing equipment,

Link: Overbearing? What, no, Fi is overbearing. Is there ALSO a chatty spirit living in my boots and empty bottles and crap?

>>to take a reprieve from her 'guidance'

Rauru: Her 87% chance of guidance.

Link: I always wondered if she was secretly trying to get me killed.

Zelda: ...I don't think you need the help.

>>and the hunt for Zelda

DED: This fall on NBC!

Link: Straddle the line, in discord and rhyme, I'm on the hunt I'm after you!

>>on the Surface-beneath-the-Clouds.

DED: Oh is that where we live.

Rauru: But it's STILL not specific enough! It should be called the Surface-beneath-the-Clouds-above-the-Mantle-off-the-Turnpike-you-can't-Miss-it.

>>Just the thought of his lost childhood friend-turned-lover

Link: We were childhood lovers...?

DED: Whoa hey, no need to relapse into those other stories.

>>brought back the memories of their last intimacies in brilliant highlight;

Rauru: Highlights for Kids.

Zelda: Highlights NOT for Kids.

>>those blonde tresses hanging beside her cheeks,

Link: Wrapped in those weird pastel-colored ribbons...

>>the impudent gleam in her bright eyes

DED: How and why would you ever have sex with someone "impudently?"

>>and the way her pink lips curled about into an open 'o' of delight

Rauru: Or surprise.

Zelda: Or frustration.

DED: Or just hooting.

>>overflowing with laughter as he splattered her bare, rosy pink-tipped breasts with cum.

Zelda: Oh yeah, that sounds real great for me, thanks.

Link: No WONDER you're so delighted!

>>Link's heart thudded harder and his erection pulsed once

Rauru: Und precisely one!

>>in remembrance of her skillful hands.

DED: I really think she deserves a better memorial than just remembering her jerkin'-hands.

Zelda: I'm not dead, you know.

Link: Yes, her handjobs were the most memorable thing about her, but her life was about so much more.

Zelda: Goddammit, I hate you.

Rauru: I can almost hear her voice now...

>>His own woefully inadequate grip was wrong.

DED: Raised Catholic.

Rauru: Ah.

>>Too caloused from handling his Loftwing's reigns,

Zelda: Look, I'm the only one around here who knows anything about reigning.

Link: But I'm the reigning champion of the Stuff Marshmallows Into Your Nose Invitational.

Zelda: For the last time, that isn't a real—

DED: Look whatever, the author misused a homophone, let's just move on.

>>his practice-turned-real sword

Rauru: This story is going to give me hyphen poisoning.

>>in harried combat, fletching arrow after arrow on his bow.

Link: What? I don't have to fletch my own arrows. I find them fully assembled inside pots and tall grass in an entirely logical fashion.

DED: I guess the author doesn't know the difference between fletching and nocking. I'd be tempted to give that one a pass, but hey, the author willfully chose to bust out a vocabulary word, and busted out the wrong one.

Zelda: You are a fickle judge of men.

>>They were rough where she had ever been soft, plush,

Link: ...weak, feeble!

>>adept at teasing him for minutes that lasted into a welcome, tortured eternity.

Rauru: So many authors describe sex as "teasing" or "torture" or "agony," and I feel like they might have...issues.

DED: That is FAR from the only clue.


Link: "...bator..."

>>your stress level is abnormally high.

Zelda: Huh. Fi enters the room and starts yammering...Stress level is high. Whadaya know?

>>I suggest ceasing immediate activities and laying down to rest."

Rauru: When you're too stressed to wank, something has gone horribly wrong.

DED: And its name is Fi.

>>He sighed furiously at the latest distraction to his alone time

Link: First the door-to-door salesman, then the gas leak and subsequent explosion, and now THIS!

>>and made to pull his trousers back into position

Zelda: Link has trouble with correct trouser position.

>>about his aching flesh,

Link: Man, I’ve been doing lunges and squats all day, my quads are KILLING me!

>>realizing as he did that there were better ways to solve both of their problems

Rauru: Oh MAN, where do we start?

>>than conceding defeat or telling her - uselessly -

Zelda: ...that he liked to use his toenail clippings as little boomerangs to put in the hands of his Lego figures.

Link: That I do!

>>to leave him be.

DED: Hey! Fi-cher! Leave him be, good Lord! All in all you're just a...nother chick in a sword!

>>Keeping a grip sternly around the base

Rauru: He grimly continued to masturbate, defiant to the last against the cruel yawning emptiness of the cosmos.

>>and turning away from Zelda's blankets
Zelda: What the HELL are you doing with my blankets?

DED: Clearly his favorite thing about sex with you was the blankets involved.

>>to face Fi directly he sat down and said, "No.

Link: “No, you can’t sleep with me because you’re scared.”

Rauru: “There’s no such thing as monsters. Oh, wait, there totally is.”

>>It has been several weeks since I had release at a woman's hands

Zelda: Since he had a record released by a record label headed by a woman?

DED: Since he...peed on a girl?

>>- do you even know what release is, Fi?

Zelda: “Yes, Master: ‘Verb: 1. to free from confinement, bondage, obligation, pain, etc.; let go. 2. to allow to be known, issued, done, or exhibited...’”

>>The expenditure of stress by one-on-one gratification!

DED: Um,, actually.

>>I've held it in for so long

Rauru: Whoooa-oooh-oooh-oooh, for the longest time...

>>while you've been with me but the sole time I try to escape to satisfy myself

Link: The escape itself being the source of the satisfaction.

>>you've barged in again!"

Zelda: You’ve really done it this time!

>>Her blank eyes examined him closely

Rauru: So she could apply her blank personality to him.

>>and honed in on the apparent fifth appendage sprouting from the base of his crotch.

DED: And his dick was of minor interest as well.

>>"You appear to desire additional... contact?" she asked.

Link: "No, I desire an affordable kitty litter with less clumping, what the HELL DO YOU THINK I MEAN YOU STUPID ARMLESS TWAT?!"

>>"I have distant memories left by the Goddess about such proclivities.

Rauru: "She says you'll roast in Hell forever and ever."


Zelda: "...cylinder..."

>>there is a 5% chance you will find a receptive partner at this time of night amongst the women of Skyloft.

DED: “Therefore, there is a 95% chance that your square-dancing aspirations will be thwarted.”

>>It would be best to ignore your urges

Zelda: “...pretty much forever.”

>>until they settle down."

Rauru: Until your urges get a job, get married, get a mortgage, y’know, settle down.

>>Link stared at her hard. Of all the things to say.

Link: I can get tail ANYTIME of the day or night! I am a sexual TORNADO!

>>He could hardly believe it.

DED: “I have AT LEAST a 7% chance I’ll have you know!”

>>His blood already felt like it was boiling,

Zelda: Due to the extremely low atmospheric pressure in their stratosphere city.

>>ready to bubble over at her further denial.

Rauru: She only said there was a very low chance of finding a partner. That’s not technically denial.

DED: Furthermore she didn’t say he can’t just keep beating off all over Zelda’s sheets.

Zelda: Let’s not, though.

>>He countered, "Or you could help me directly."

Link: When has she ever done that?!

>>Fi's mouth quirked to one side,

DED: Can’t think of an actual vocabulary word? Just say something that sounds reasonably real even if it’s not!

>>as if biting her lips,

Rauru: As if she had teeth. Jury’s still out on that one.

>>just as her head tilted as well, seemingly puzzled by his request.

Zelda: “This is harassment, Master, and I do have to take it.”

>>"I do not have the required appendages to mimic your actions,"

DED: Wommp wommp waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh...

>>she stated evenly.

Link: Or...oddly.

>>His eyes settled around her mouth

Rauru: He marveled at the way it NEVER STOPPED MOVING!

>>and then trailed down to his problem and back again,

Zelda: His crippling incompetence? How can you look at that?

DED: Zelda, I would think you spend most of your days looking at that.

>>still aching for a woman's touch, even this feminine sword-spirit.

Rauru: She isn’t technically a woman, though.

Link: But she’s clearly supposed to be female.

Rauru: You can’t call a non-human female a “woman!” I mean come on, a female squirrel isn’t a “woman,” it’s a...I dunno, a bitch? Whatever you call it.

Link: Squirrelle?

>>Her lips pressed together


>>in the faintest hint of a frown once she registered his implication.

Link: Yeah that's how it usually goes.


Rauru: "...Chief..."

>>it would be remiss of me to perform such a service upon you," she stated simply.

DED: For ALL sorts of reasons.

Zelda: “That’s not my department, I can transfer you to Blowjob Services, please hold...”

>>"I was created to be wielded in combat and offer advice

DED: “...And I’m all outta combat!”

>>in the process of following the Goddess' will,

Zelda: “...Whatever it is. I’m a little foggy on the details, haven’t gotten any memos in about a thousand years...”

>>as laid down from the edge of time,"

Rauru: Whoooa-oooh-oooh-oooh, from the edge of time…

Link: Like, far out duuuuuuuude...

>>she chided. But then her expression changed, uncertainty replacing distaste.

Zelda: “I’m uncertain exactly how distasteful that would be...”


DED: “I don’t care about any of that crap.”

>>she leaned her head forward to meet his eyes from scant inches away,

Link: Invade my personal space, might as well invade it all the way.

>>"if it would persuade you to return to your quest, I have been instructed to comply to any necessity to advancing the completion of that goal.

Zelda: “In other words, LET’S GET BIZZAY!”

>>I would suggest finding a secluded location to avoid a high chance of unwarranted eavesdropping."

Rauru: “Like, say, the summit of K2, or the far side of the moon.”

>>"I don't care about anyone else overhearing," he refuted plainly.

Zelda: Link, being irresponsible? Surely not!

>>And then he leaned forward and kissed her.

DED: It was a futile gesture, ultimately pointless...

>>It was like pressing his mouth against cool, flexible glass,

Link: Why does everyone think Fi is made of glass?

DED: Well, once I had a love, and it was a gas…

Zelda: Oh for God’s s—

DED: ...Soon turned out, had a heart of glass.

Zelda: I hate you.

>>initially stiff against his warm lips, but he did not let that distract from probing the oriface with his tongue.

Rauru: He has the resolve of a true hero all right.

>>Fi did not have eyelids to stir, pupils to widen, nor blood with which to blush,

Link: Nor a soul with which to feel and love. But we’ll gloss over that…

DED: She does have a pretty great GPU, good clock speed, plenty of VRAM...buuuuut no soul.

>>but even still he felt a sense of hesitancy and doubt

Link: Again, typical, but I can usually overcome it.

>>as he nudged his tongue forward and probed at her mouth.

Zelda: The multi-million dollar scientific venture has detected traces of spit.

DED: Just think of what incredible discoveries are still to come!

>>Gradually her own tongue

DED: See? She has a tongue! No one would have known if not for that probing!

>>slipped out to meet and twine about his delicately.

Link: Twine is the most delicate of package-tying options.

>>Not unpleasant, he considered, odd, but not unpleasant.

Rauru: At this point it seems like Link will fuck pretty much anything.

Zelda: In the world of erotic fanfiction, you are upsettingly correct.


Rauru: ...richer.

>>he pulled back to breath

DED: ...

Link: ...Dave?

DED: What?

Link: Aren’t you gonna comment on the breath/breathe mistake?

DED: Huh? Oh, yeah, uh...ha ha, boy that’s dumb, won’t you?

Zelda: This isn’t like you.

DED: Honestly I’ve given up on that particular brand of idiocy. It’s in basically every story, I...I just...

Zelda: There, there.

DED: It just beats you down, you know?

Zelda: God, do I.

>>and found himself surprised by how much harder his cock throbbed now from before.

Link: “Oh God, it’s out of control!”

>>Just kissing a female

Rauru: A female...something.

>>had sent a renewed lust to his loins,

Zelda: Cash on delivery.

>>and a dribble of clear white precum

DED: Clear or white, which is it?

>>rolled down to splash against his trousers.

Link: Me trousers then eh Guv'nah?


Zelda: "...of Orion..."

>>there is an 80% chance that we will be overheard," she repeated the warning

Link: "Yeah well there's an 80% chance I'm gonna sock you in the base of the skull, GET SUCKING!"

>>before he could kiss her again.

Rauru: I assume he’s kissing her just to shut her up.

>>His whole body twitched, lust and annoyance at war within his eyes.

DED: Thousands of young cones and rods, throwing their lives away...

>>"If you're reluctant to proceed the only neighbor to this room, Karene, is away at the baths.

Link: "...I'll go bang her!"

>>No one else is situated to hear us,

Rauru: Yep, most definitely in the baths, there is no chance whatsoever that she has deviated from her usual bath-taking schedule in any way.

>>and unless you want to take this to the rooftop

DED: What is this, Street Fighter?

>>in full view of all of Skyloft and the night patrol, where anyone will hear our actions,

Zelda: “Oh, YES!”


DED: ...then.

>>it is going to happen here in Zelda's room!"

Zelda: Wait, what the fuck were you doing jerking it in MY room?! IN MY BED!?

Link: You weren't using it...

>>He laid a hand upon her hip and ran it up her midrift,

Rauru: Hey, it’s “riff,” not “rift.”

DED: I know, but can’t we just get...Beyond the Rift?

Zelda: Doh!

DED: Zing!

Link: Dang it, Dave, you’re supposed to do that gag with Thunderdome.

DED: C’mon Link, can’t you just get...Beyond Thunderdome?

>>tracing over the small bulge in her dress that signified her breasts beneath,

Rauru: One bulge for two breasts, how does that...?

>>and was rewarded with the slightest inclination of her head

Link: WOW!!!!!!

>>and an arching out to fill his palm

Zelda: Wiiiiiith?

DED: You don’t wanna know.

>>as she accepted his words.

Rauru: Well I mean I can accept that he said them...

>>"Very well,

Zelda: “I will subject you to the unfathomable erotic energies I shall conjure forth from beyond time itself.”

Link: “Hold on, what?”

Zelda: “TOO LATE!”


DED: “...Hand.”

>>Sliding down to the floor

Link: Sliding against what?!

>>until her head was level with his fully erect manhood, Fi paused,

Zelda: Then selected “Quit to desktop.”

>>collecting information.


>>It was more than adequate to suit any living woman's needs,

Link: Fi alive?

Rauru: Whatever, doesn’t matter, as we’ve established, she’s not a woman!

>>far above the average length and girth,

Zelda: ...of a toothpick...

>>and her tongue glided across her lips in anticipation of taking it into her mouth.

Rauru: “It” being a delicious pastry, I assume.

DED: You would assume that, I suppose.

Rauru: Now I’m not saying anything definitive, I mean, it could be a succulent veal cutlet.

>>A thin trail of saliva dotted her lips in the aftermath,

Zelda: All things told, that’s not too bad of an “aftermath.”

Link: Yeah, not compared to the aftermath of the time I tried to fix th—

Zelda: PLEASE, spare us.

>>and Link grunted in bliss when she formed a seal about his bulbous cockhead

Link: “Why did you conjure a seal?!”


Zelda: “Technically, Master, it is a sea lion, not a seal.”

Link: “Whatever! It’s all smelly and it won’t shut up!”


Link: “You can’t possibly expect me to fuck that!

>>and teased the slit cautiously.

DED: If you must tease, tease cautiously.

>>Her hesitance quickly proved itself over her intention, however,

Link: Man, this is AMAZINGLY accurate at portraying how girls react to my dick! Baffling as it may be...

Rauru: This story might be the first one where the woman isn’t totally willing and eager to perform all manner of sex acts.

Zelda: Except for all the rape stories.

Rauru: Oh, right...

>>stilling to process the salty flavor


>>with lips tightening in the seemingly-universal female distaste of a man's dick.

Zelda: Ahahahahahahahahaha.

>>He laid a hand at the base of her cool neck

Link: It’s just so trendy and hip!

>>and eased it into firm hair,

Rauru: Firm nothin', from the look of it I'd say her hair could deflect bullets.

>>kneading the scalp

Zelda: How do you knead glass...?

>>and applying just enough pressure to encourage deeper activity.

DED: Cripes is he trying to get a blowjob or is this an article about quantitative easing from The Economist?

>>Fi uttered some reprimand that served only to vibrate her mouth delightfully

Link: Yes, I’m delighted!

Rauru: As am I! Deeply and profoundly delighted by this turn of events!

Zelda: Truly this is a blessed day!

DED: Yeah, it...uhh...

Rauru: Yes, Dave?

DED: I...okay, I admit it, I’m not delighted...I’m only modestly pleased.

Zelda: That’s okay, we understand.

>>rather than cease the errant warrior's effort.

Link: Well yeah, it’s gonna take more than THAT...


Rauru: “Formidable!”

>>Link drew a breath and held it dearly

DED: ...What’s that supposed to mean?

Zelda: Yes, air, the rarest of commodities.

>>as Fi took the first half to her lubricated throat.

Link: For the annual Uvula Daze festival, and they had a lovely time.

>>Goddess, she does one thing better than Zelda at least!

Rauru: “Probabilistic math!”

Link: “Resist sex!”

>>the rogue thought

DED: Does that mean it can sneak attack unaware targets for massive damage?

>>interposed his lover's image across the colder face burying in his crotch an inch at a time.

Zelda: I like how he recalls an intimate moment with me while he cheats on me with a metallic ghost.

Rauru: You like that?

Zelda: No, I hate that, it's disgraceful.

Rauru: That's what I thought.

>>Slow to begin Fi demonstrated no gag-reflex

Link: What, is “Slow-to-begin Fi” her title now?

DED: Better than King Charles the Bald.

>>as she passed the half-way mark,

Rauru: ...the Pacers still trailing the Lakers by 6 points...

>>and at full depth she spoke again around the burning flesh,

Zelda: Seriously, why?

Link: She just can’t shut up, that’s why.

>>a sensation

DED: Made.

>>more wonderous by the semi-rigid nature of her throat.

Rauru: And yet, I feel so empty...

>>Scant seconds of that had Link's balls tightening;

Link: In sheer terror!

>>he leaned into her mouth and did nothing to close his own,

Zelda: ...yyyyyyyyup.

>>creamy splooge gushing forth from his loins

DED: Well THAT’S a new one.

Zelda: I think it's safe to say that the phrase "creamy splooge gushing forth from his loins" has never before graced these hallowed halls.

>>with every hum of hers and unrestricted moan of his.

Rauru: What does THAT have to do with anything?!

>>He collapsed against Zelda's bed

Link: “Against?” Am I not in the bed?

>>and the creaky wall separating the rooms with mild-satisfaction

Zelda: I suppose with Fi that’s about the best he could hope for.

Rauru: The hyphens...sapping...strength…

DED: Sure it’s not just another clogged artery there sporto?

Rauru: That...too...

>>for the first time in more than a month.

DED: Man, more than a month without even MILD satisfaction, that’s gotta suck.

Link: Well did you think it was FUN questing through dungeons to save the world?

Zelda: Well that is the premise of a game.

Link: Fun for ME I mean.

>>"Goddess," he repeated,


>>smiling brightly down

DED: Like the sun in Teletubbies.

>>at the sword-spirit still half-mounted upon his cock.

Rauru: Yeah well, this mounting is half-cocked to me!

>>"I've never had better, Fi.

Zelda: But this is the ONLY Fi he’s ever had.

Rauru: Making her the best!

>>In fact.. I wonder..."

Link: I WAH-wah-wah-wah-wunnnnndahhhh...

>>she stiffened mid-way free

DED: This is simply a random collection of words, appended to one another into a story.

>>as he sat up enough to tug at her cape,

Rauru: Yeah, this is why I gave up wearing capes, too impractical.

>>pulling her up and off so that he could drag her into his lap with slender legs

Zelda: His lap has slender legs...?

DED: This story has taken a turn for the incomprehensible.

>>kneeling to either side of his waist. "I could use a full service for comparison!"

Link: “Okay, I admit it, it’s not for comparison, I just want it.”

Rauru: It is responsible of him to remember his service intervals and attend to them promptly.

>>Fi offered him a bland expression.



Rauru: “...Onion...”

>>your emotional state has risen above previously established measures.

Link: ...So what?

Zelda: What does that even mean?

>>Must you persist in sating your needs at this time?"

Rauru: “Yes, I must have blood ere the night is done!”

>>Link's wide grin spoke enough for him. "That was hardly enough to quell my urges.

Zelda: So his grin spoke enough for him, buuuuuut he kept talking anyway.

>>Zelda and I would repeat several sessions at a time

DED: How do you have several instances of sex at the same time?

>>after just days apart.

Zelda: Pathetic, isn’t it?

>>I've held this in far, far too long

Rauru: ...For the longest time, whooa-oohh—

Link: Shaaaadap.

>>to be satisfied at one soft-coupling, Fi!"

DED: “I have an elaborate tier system of sexual acts and YOU WILL ABIDE BY IT GODDAMNIT!”

>>The sword-spirit sighed, cocked her head in curiosity,

Zelda: Wow, this is WAY more personality than she usually displays.

>>and then leaned down until her tunic-clad breasts were pressing against his face.

Rauru: “Uh, okay, I didn’t ask you to do THAT, but I’ll roll with it...”

>>"As you will,

Link: Oh hell yes I will.


DED: "...Control Program."

>>Link's hands went one to her left hip and the other to her right breast,

Zelda: And then to the left breast, and then to the right hip, then back to the left, to the right, to the left...

Rauru: ...Then he did the Hokey Pokey and he turned it all about...

Link: This is like Twister, except the fondling is explicitly the goal of the game.

DED: That takes all the fun out.

>>pealing the tunic back

Rauru: *making really loud bell noises* BOOOOOOOOONG! BOOOOOOOOOONG!

DED: I could really go for a bong right about now.

>>from pliable and warming flesh in both instances.

Link: Wow, she has flesh on both her hip AND her breast? That’s TOTALLY exceeded my expectations!

Rauru: Well, she has whatever passes for flesh with Fi.

>>A pale blue nipple stiffened in his fingers above,

DED: I TOLD you that colloidal silver nonsense was a terrible idea.

Link: Hell, for all I know, Fi is made of colloidal silver.

Zelda: Dang, a reference to colloidal silver, and last story a reference to vaccines causing autism. What’s next, magnets that realign your chakras and cure cancer?

DED: I dunno, I’m partial to the guys who put brass pyramids on their heads.

>>a paler blue nub sending a jolt of pleasure coursing through her spine

Rauru: She just loves paler blue nubs SO VERY MUCH!

>>as caloused fingers probed the junction twixt her legs

Zelda: Forsooth, yon troubadour would fain use courtly diction, though I would as lief deposit his vellum in the garderobe.

>>- she wore nothing beneath to defend her modesty -

Link: Wouldn’t that sorta indicate that she has no modesty?

DED: Really, at this point it would be weird to find out that she has any feelings of anything whatsoever.

>>and his manhood lunged up at that revelation,

Rauru: Biting and snarling!

>>bobbing with blood anew, grazing her bare ass.

Link: “Grazing?” That gives new meaning to the phrase “Your ass is grass.”

>>He groaned and took her nipple into his mouth as he reversed hands,

Zelda: As his hands swivel 180 degrees and his palms face outwards.

>>molding the neglected breast,

DED: ...I can’t even BEGIN to make sense of that.

>>fingers delving against her mostening slit.

Rauru: “Delving,” by...not...entering it.

>>He expected no moan to pass beyond her pursed lips

Link: C’mon story, why are you so continuously implying I’m unable to satisfy women and none of them want me?

>>and so it was,

Zelda: Yea, as foretold.

>>a silence uninterrupted from her end despite the growing trembles from his effort.

DED: Or maybe she’s vibrating because her timing belt is off or something.

>>Come on, give me something, surely you cannot bottle it all inside

Link: Why, yes she can, here at her small-batch craft beer emporium!

>>- I feel hot enough to boil the baths Karene is still swimming in!

Rauru: Yes, again, of course Karene is most certainly in the baths for totally sure, let’s establish that some more.

>>By now Zelda would have been muffling her shouts

DED: When does she ever do that?


>>with the delicate white panties stuffed into her lips

Link: Stuffed inside her lips?!

Rauru: That...APPEARS to be what it says.

DED: Really should have just gone with the collagen.

>>that she always wore when they met in secret,

Zelda: I always wear my lips when I meet in secret.

>>the sopping wet cloth hardly capable of performing this unintended secondary duty,

Link: ...In spite of their fine hand-stitched construction and high-quality fabric...yet they were still easy to launder, and so soft and comfortable...yes...

>>and as if reading his mind Fi broke into a single soft pant

Rauru: WEE-WOO-WEE-WOO-WEE-WOO! Come out with your hands up! We have the pant surrounded!

>>that she repeated once every few moments, rising in tone.

DED: Are you sure it’s arousal, or did he just flick on her metronome function?

Zelda: Maybe she’s also a drum machine.

>>A small victory, but victory all the same.

Rauru: We shall fuck on the beaches, we shall fuck on the landing grounds, we shall fuck in the fields and in the streets, we shall fuck in the hills; we shall never surrender!

>>Pulling back only so that the could lift the light woman higher, one hand guiding his ridged erection to the damp cleft between her thighs,

Link: Wait so hold on, I just pick her up off the ground with one hand, like a beer can or something, and then set her down on my dick?

Zelda: No, see, the author said she was a “light woman,” which makes that completely reasonable.

Link: Oh, I see.

DED: I’m more concerned by his “ridged erection.” Is that normal? And for that matter, are they horizontal or vertical ridges?

>>they uttered their passion in equally drawn out moans

Rauru: I bet she's just copying his moan exactly and playing it back, just to mess with him.

Zelda: It depends, is her processor heuristic or algorithmic?

>>as he impaled her to the hilt.

DED: Oh ho ho ho, I see what you did there, using sword imagery to talk about the sword woman.

Rauru: Yeah but the author probably doesn't see what he did there.

DED: Probably not, but whatever, the subject matter doesn't deserve cleverness.

>>Link arched

Link: Hell yeah, remember that pumpkin minigame? I arched the hell out of them with my archery.

>>and clenched both hands upon her thighs to ease the motion.

Zelda: Call me a traditionalist, but usually when you grab someone it actually impedes their motion.

>>Those first thrusts were rocky,

Rauru: Ya gotta cut me Mick!

>>jerking, unable to land a steady pace -

DED: That’s gotta be the least of their problems.

>>and he didn't want to draw this delight out,

Link: Oh, why start now?

>>desiring only a fast plateau tonight.

DED: Well TOO BAD, plateaus take millions of years of tectonic activity and erosion to create.

>>The bed creaked and groaned

Zelda: Clearly it is as disgusted by this turn of events as we are.

>>in tandem to the heavy rhythm of lust.

Rauru: Just like the demon jazz music the kids today are listening to, I tells ya!


Link: "...and Commander!"

>>Fi spilled the word sloppily at a burst of spine-tingling pleasure.

DED: There are words seems as though they’re trying to convey some sort of information...but it...just...


Zelda: "...piece Theater!"

>>I... I preDICT... one hundRED PERCENT S...





>>"Goddess damnit," he swore,

Zelda: Oh, she's WAY ahead of you.

>>pulling her head down and mashing their lips together before she awoke the entire school.

Link: So they mashed their lips together, and then she woke up the entire school...?

Rauru: I imagine some kind of bullhorn emerges from a hatch in the back of her head and just blares pointlessly.

>>His own rolling orgasm

DED: What is this, Dark Souls PvP?

Zelda: I have no idea what you're talking about, and I'm glad.

>>spilled near as much seed into her cunt as had glazed her throat.

Link: Well I wouldn’t assume the volume of my ejaculate would change wildly every couple of minutes.

Zelda: Yeah, it’s not as though your semen is, say, your topics of conversation...

Link: ...and I’d never SEEN so many turkey drumsticks at once! So anyway my favorite Russian modernist composer is Sergei Prokofiev, and I don’t care what those Stravinsky-fags have to say about...

>>Fi moaned freely into his mouth and he returned the favor in kind,

Rauru: The...“favor.”

>>eyes going half-lidded.

DED: Why that’s HORRIBLE, someone tore off half of his eyelids!

>>At last he pulled back

Link: Thank GOD!

Rauru: At LAST!

>>to gasp for breath and slowed his rampant motion,

DED: Slow thy rampant motion, libertine ronion!

>>easing them both to Zelda's now very soiled blankets.

Zelda: Oh, great, the final indignity. Go lie around in MY ROOM and then cheat on ME with a FUCKING ROBOT, and then SOIL MY 200 COUNT PERCALES.

>>The sword-spirit crumpled beside him

Rauru: Into a tiny wad, which he free-throwed into the waste basket, then pumped his fist and played a little air guitar.

>>with aftershocks of oozing pleasure.

DED: Wow, could you have, like, NOT used that word?

>>Link lay beside her and breathed the scent of sword-turned-lover

Link: So the scent of...carbon steel? Honing oil? Congealed monster guts?

>>with surprising fervor.

Zelda: Mother of GOD, he’s sniffing the hell out of her, it’s just reLENTless!

>>Mm, we've both needed this, he considered,

Rauru: Truly he is a wise man.

>>allowing his eyes to drift fully closed.

Link: And he sleeps like a baby...that just had sex...with a ghostly anthropomorphic manifestation of an ancient sacred weapon.

>>From the yawning crack in the boards dividing Zelda and Karene's room,

DED: ...What's THIS? Our hedonistic hero's sultry seductions, surveilled through a sizeable slit?

>>the young woman peering through arched her own hips against a soiled pillow

Rauru: Oh my God she actually isn't at the baths as was previously asserted, that was totally an incredible twist and not at all a really awkward Chekhov's gun.

>>with stifled moan capped off in a bitten fist,

Zelda: Wonder whose fist it is.

>>meeting the blue-spirit's eerie stare for the second time in as many minutes.

DED: ...why would she want to do THAT?

>>Link remained none the wiser.

Zelda: As is often the case.

Link: What’s THAT supposed to mean?!

Zelda: Exactly.

Rauru: So what we’ve learned today is, never trust anyone to take baths when they say they will.

Zelda: Well now, we also learned that Link has no respect for other people’s beds.

DED: Come on, guys, can’t we just get...Beyond Bed and Bath?


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