Sunday, March 15, 2015

“The Center of Attention” by Megadeth425

In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space

We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:

Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “In living color!”
Rauru! “Meal with it!”
Zelda! “This lady is not for turning!”
Link! “Diet Coke and Mentos!”
If you don’t get how he stays alive
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!

“The Center of Attention” by Megadeth425

>>For the three people most touched by the darkness,

DED: ...It was really hard to see.

>>there was little but confusion once the light filtered back in.

Zelda: “Oh MAN, this light is so CONFUSING, being able to SEE and stuff!”

Link: “How the hell am I supposed to be able to UNDERSTAND all of these THINGS I can SEE now?”

>>The things they saw and did,

Rauru: The batter they fried with, the sauces they drizzled...

>>the way their lives were forever shaken, left them scarred.

Zelda: Martini. Shaken, not scarred.

>>They found an odd solace with each other,

Link: Solace with Midna?!

DED: Emphasis on “odd.”

>>a bond forming that seemed strange to many,

Rauru: P much.

>>but which was the only thing left in the world that felt right for them.

Zelda: What about spandex yoga pants? Those feel pretty comfy.

Link: The only thing LEFT that felt RIGHT? Eh? Eh?

>>They didn't try to explain their relationship to anyone,

Rauru: Yeah, the plot of TwiPri is kind of a clusterfuck.

DED: But they could still at least TRY! I mean come on: “Shit got Twilit. Met up. Killed Zant. Killed Ganondorf.”

>>not only because nobody would understand what they'd gone through,


>>but because they weren't even sure themselves how it would all work.

Rauru: Um, well, you sorta...keep on living and then for a while and then...die.

>>Neither Hyrule nor the Twilight Realm had precedent for three sitting monarchs, let alone that sort of marriage arrangement.

Zelda: Oh whoa wait WHAT?!

DED: THIS shit just took a turn for the goofy.

>>The issues were being worked on,

Zelda: Yeah, no, there’s no solving that. Primogeniture is FUCKED now.

Link: Dude, I scored some primo geniture at a party last week man? It was dank as fuck.

>>but there was much in both kingdoms that needed to be healed


DED: Why you gotta be hatin’? Let your freak flag fly, duuuude.

Zelda: You’re asking a monarch why she’s conservative. REALLY.

>>before it could be dealt with.

Rauru: Maybe they could deal with it by just...NOT all three of them getting married.

Zelda: I mean come ON, crack a dictionary and look up “concubine” sometime.

Link: Is that one of those gross things I got on my toe?

Zelda: No, sweetie, that was something else.

>>Up high in a castle tower,

DED: Princes kept the view! While all the women came and went...

>>nobody else mattered or existed but them.

Zelda: Well, yeah...

>>There was no place more comfortable

Zelda: Well YEAH...

>>for them than with each other, and they tried to make it work as best they could

Rauru: Not...very.

>>with their hectic lives.

Zelda: Given Link is involved, yes. Very hectic indeed.

>>For his service,

Rauru: Oh you mean the time he set fire to a bomb shop and it exploded?

DED: Or maybe the way he scoured the countryside to find bugs for an insane woman while the kingdom was in dire peril?

>>Link was awarded a place in the Royal Guard despite his age

Link: Why would I be elderly now?

Rauru: Not too old, too young.

DED: Yeah, after the tragic failure of the Royal Toddler Dragoons, the palace had to do a rethink on their child soldier policy.

>>and lack of training,

Zelda: And general incompetence and volatility and questionable hygiene.

>>personally requested as Princess Zelda's bodyguard.

Link: And what a body it is!

>>He only left her side at her request,

Rauru: That must be inconvenient when he has to pee.

>>sent off on 'diplomatic missions' to the Twilight Realm

Zelda: Putting the “ass” in “ambassador.”

Link: Putting the “dong” in “diplomacying.”

>>to visit Midna when both princesses were too occupied to leave their kingdoms.

DED: That is to say, when your princess is in another castle.

>>Nights spent together

Rauru: ...never reaching the end...Letters I’ve written...never meaning to send...

>>in whatever pair they could muster

DED: Two jacks!

Zelda: Deuces high!

DED: What does that even mean!

Zelda: I don't know!

>>weren't the same as when they were all together.

Link: Because there’s one less person. I learneded that! Because math!

>>Distance left fondness and longing simmering beneath the surface,

Rauru: And a glazed pork roast braising in a high-temperature oven.

>>and stretched out upon a royal bed their need boiled over.

Rauru: Like a pot of sugar being made into caramel but left on the stove for too lo—

Zelda: Okay enough.

>>Hands drifted between bodies,

DED: Mistakes were made, passive voice was employed.

>>and kisses in all directions formed,

Link: Kissin’ the walls, the floor, the ceiling, the furniture...

>>the partner left out making sure to adorn their necks in affection

Rauru: The partner left out...becomes a bowtie?

Zelda: I mean, I know Link is an albatross around my neck, but this is taking it a bit too literally.

>>until a kiss split off for them.

Rauru: Gimmie a break, gimmie a break, break me off a piece of that kiss-kat bar!

>>All the stark contrasts between the three

Zelda: Like how I’m basically perfect and Midna is a domineering psychopath and Link is a bumbling water buffalo with ADD.

>>came together to form an oddly whole experience,

DED: More like an...odd hole experience.

>>everything falling into place perfectly for them.

Zelda: Especially the strap-on, that falls perfectly into place.

>>Zelda's skin was pristinely soft and any fingers that dragged across her arm or navel

Link: Any fingers, ears, noses, or whatever other severed body parts happen to land on her.

>>always seemed to go lighter along her skin as if afraid of doing something to make it any less than perfect.

Zelda: Well TOO LATE, you already RUINED my PERFECT SKIN.

>>Her kisses were usually staid and restrained;

Rauru: Except when she'd been drinking. Which is all the time.

>>someone else had to intensify a kiss before she'd be anything less than proper.

DED: ...How, exactly? Shouting? Pyrotechnics?


>>Time spent in the castle and out of the sun had only made Link's tan fade a little,

Zelda: And had only ruined the castle "a little..."

Link: Look, is it more ruined or less ruined than when it was engulfed by the twilight dimension and infested with monsters and encased in a glowing pyramid?

Zelda: *sigh* Less ruined.

Link: Then you can shut your face hole.

>>and his body was much firmer due to all the muscle he'd built from a life of farm work.

Rauru: Firmer than when, or what, or who, and why is this being mentioned now, and why should we care?

>>When he kissed, he was a little clumsy,

DED: And sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much.

>>but made up for his finesse in passion.

Zelda: Well that's an okay start, but he's got a hell of a lot of other things to make up for too.

>>He wasn't the most talkative of the three,

Rauru: Yo WHAT? We all know THAT isn’t true.

Link: Nuh-uh dude, come on! I am like the original silent protagonist. When I’m in quest mode, ain’t nobody gets to hear my brilliant insights. I keep ‘em all inside, like I’m constipated with genius.

Zelda: Right whatever. But what quest are you doing in this story that’s shutting you up?

Link: “Bang gorgeous princesses.” That’s my default quest.

>>but he had a physicality about him that exuded whenever he did anything.

DED: You see, because he physically moves around with his body when he does things.

Rauru: Truly Link’s corporeal existence is verified by the way he interacts with tangible objects.

>>Midna's skin was a particularly strange thing to experience;

Link: ...You should get a load of the REST of her.

>>her grey skin felt much like Zelda's, albeit with less intense care taken after it,

DED: Kind of like how Midna herself is much like Zelda, only more intensely annoying.

>>while her jet black skin held a rougher texture, subtly bumpy and providing a tactile thrill any time fingertips dashed across it.

Rauru: Dashing, presumably, in order to spend as little time in contact with it as possible.

>>A kiss from the Twilight Princess was possessive and intense,

Link: ...But why would she want to possess me in a tent?

>>always accompanied by a smug smile.

Zelda: And a smug gesture and a smug attitude and two hearty scoops of abuse.

>>Eventually they drifted into a position other than the jumbled mess of limbs they lay in.

DED: Like, say, strolling in a garden, or sitting at a desk.

Zelda: I mean we can’t just dismember people and lay around in a pile of their limbs all day.

>>It was usually Midna who pushed them onward first,

Rauru: Onward in front of a bus or into a mud puddle.

>>generally the least patient,

DED: And the least pleasant and the least heroic and...ah hell, this is too easy, let’s just leave it.

>>but also the one who didn't spend most nights with one of her lovers.


>>She was always left with the deepest appetite,

Rauru: I feel your pain.

>>and it was generally understood that they "owed" her for it.

Link: Yeah well she "owes" me for forty-plus hours of spine-ruining conveyance, so she can kindly shut her stupid whore mouth or apply it to my ballsack.

>>That night, it took a less selfish form than it usually did.


>>They were used to her slipping up

Zelda: ...Used to her failures...

>>the headboard and urging both heads down between her legs so that her lovers could eat her out in tandem,

DED: Sounds like par for the course for Midna “I Want More Of Everything All For Me Me Me” McTwilightPrincess.

>>but she'd been too long without hearing someone else groan and twitch beneath her.

Rauru: So it’s off to the dungeons for some recreational torture!

>>With the most prone to doing such things being Link,

Link: I am prone to twitching and groaning.

>>it was obvious to Midna who she would have to target first to fulfil that urge.

Zelda: Who but her old partner in monster-slaying and domestic abuse?

>>Once Zelda's head turned away from Midna to find Link's lips on the other side of her,

DED: Just his lips? Is he the Cheshire Cat? Is this the cover of a Rolling Stones album? Did Midna slip LSD into their coffee for fun?

Link: That last one sounds fairly plausible.

>>Midna very quickly made her way down the long, absurdly comfortable bed.

Rauru: How quickly is “very quickly?” Why would the author feel the need to point out that she didn’t just go down the bed “quickly,” but “VERY quickly?” Would the scene have been ruined if the reader were under the assumption that she had moved somewhat quickly but not very quickly?

DED: Hey man, I know you’re trying, but leave the pointless semantic questioning to me.

Rauru: Yeah, thanks, that was really wearing me out. Gotta pause and catch my breath, eat a gordita or three...*munch munch*

>>She lay sideways on the bed, head resting on Link's thigh

Zelda: Like a faithful old dog. Which is funny, if you think about it, because Link used to be a dog.

DED: And Midna here is pretty much the exact opposite of a faithful old dog.

>>as she watched the two kiss, humming impatiently.

Link: I’m afraid I don’t know how that one goes.

>>His cock lay before her,

DED: But first she would have to conquer the many traps and monsters of legendary Castle Cockula! The adventure begins!

>>completely rigid thanks to the proximity and touches of two gorgeous women,

Rauru: I happen to be bored completely rigid by these same events.

>>and she couldn't help but reach forward and seize it.

Zelda: Oh, I think she has it in her to resist. Especially given suitable...persuasion...

>>Zelda's legs pulled out from beneath her,

Link: No no no, pulling things’ legs off or otherwise dismembering them is my job.

>>both of her lovers' eyes falling to her to see what she would do.

DED: Oh yeah there’s a fucking WEALTH of possibilities.

>>Zelda's look was one of restrained curiosity,

Zelda: Full of thoughts like, “Where the HELL is she going with this?” and “Why am I even here?”

>>while Link's was a mix of confusion and goofy glee

Rauru: So, business as usual.

>>at the idea of Midna opening things up by going down on him.

Link: Opening things UP by going DOWN? EH? EH?!

>>With all eyes on her,

DED: Glaring with undisguised hate, which wasn't atypical.

>>she felt her chest swell with both joy

Zelda: ...And tuberculosis or something, probably. I'm not a doctor.

Link: You CAN heal people with magic, though.

Zelda: So?

>>at having their love directed to her, and irritation.

Rauru: Irritation at the fact that they were not, even now, fanning her with palm leaves and feeding her grapes.

DED: Hey, I'm just curious, but do you think we could manage—strictly hypothetically, of course—to go for more than two sentences without deriding Midna as a petty sociopathic tyrant?

Link: Ah...

Zelda: Hmm...


DED: Haha yeah, of course not. What a towering bitch.

>>Now she had to put on something visually appealing for them.

Rauru: It's about time she put on some damn clothes...

>>Her eyes closed and she sank forward,

Link: Many brave men went to a watery grave aboard the "forward" that day...

>>lips parting as she took Link into her mouth.

Zelda: You see, because otherwise the tip of his wang would just bounce off.

>>The merely closeness of her parted lips made the farm boy's thighs tighten up,


>>and once they closed around his first couple inches, she heard that groan she longed for so much.

DED: Right, well, that's that I suppose.

>>Her hand slid low,

Rauru: ...Sweet chariot, cummin' for to carry me home...

>>only her thumb, index, and middle fingers grasping his base as she pulled her head up.

Zelda: Wow no way!

DED: When in doubt, pinkie out!

>>The plan wasn't to start sucking so quickly,

Rauru: Buuuuuut the suck began pretty much immediately.

Link: I’m afraid she sucked long before I ever even got involved.

>>just to hear what she had missed so much; her boyfriend given bliss

Zelda: I think you mean MY boyfriend.

DED: Well, now, that doesn’t necessarily—

Zelda: No no no, in this relationship Link is the boyfriend, I am the girlfriend, and Midna is an annoying parasite that I keep around as a tool to enhance sexual pleasure, like a bossy gray Fleshlight.

DED: ...Right.

Link: Come on, don’t fight! There’s plenty of me to go around.

>>by her hand.

DED: This hand of mine glows with an awesome POWER! Its burning grip tells me to defeat you! TAKE THIS! My love, my anger, and all my sorrow! SHIIIIINIIIIINGGG FI—

Rauru: Okay that's quite enough of that.

>>Once she had that, she was satisfied to take it normally,

Zelda: Y’know, back to normal royalty stuff. Attending balls, patronizing artists, collecting scutage, novel disseisin, darrein presentment…

DED: Even I have no idea what the fuck you’re on about.

Zelda: And that’s why you’re a basement-dwelling loser, and I have absolute authority over an entire country.

>>slowing down into a more expected pace.

Rauru: Oh believe me, I expect these stories to be slow-paced.

>>It felt wrong for the Hylians to return to their slow makeout after that.

Link: This feels wrong in all sorts of ways.

>>Link's lips didn't take long to find a place they wanted to be more than against hers.

Rauru: On a nice juicy cheeseburger?

Link: Weeeeeellllllllllll…

Zelda: You think VERY FUCKING CAREFULLY before you decide you’d rather eat a cheeseburger than kiss me.

>>Namely, her breasts.

Link: ...Yes, I’d rather have those.

Zelda: Okay, you win this round.

>>She shifted her position,

DED: She relaxed her rigid stance on taxation in response to populist pressure.

Zelda: Ha, as if.

>>allowing him better access

DED: Don’t even get me started on early access.

>>as his hands eagerly grasped them. She kept quiet,

Link: If she knows what’s good for her...

>>the only sounds in the room being the wet noises Midna made as she lapped messily at his shaft,

Rauru: Those were unrelated to the shaft-lapping, though. She was just kneeling on a ketchup packet.

>>and of course all the unbound groans.

DED: The fuck is this, Gormenghast?

Zelda: God I want to slap you you’re so nerdy.

>>Link's silence extended only to the brevity of his words;

Link: What does “brevity” mean? Does it mean awesomeness?

DED: No, it means shortness. Which isn’t really the case; Link could (and does) say lots and lots of brief words.

Link: Yeah I say lots of small words cuz small words are small and don’t take long to say which means I have more time to think of cool things with my brain like how this one time I—

>>he got plenty loud where noises were concerned,

Rauru: Aaaaand that’s the OTHER piece of the puzzle.


>>and the affection of his princesses was an easy way to make him vocal,

Zelda: As is jingling a few shiny keys in front of his face or, really, doing nothing at all.

>>even as he took one of Zelda's nipples into his mouth and sucked.

DED: Yes folks, not even sucking titty will shut him up.

>>Trailing her hands along his chest,

Zelda: You callin' me trailer trash?

>>Zelda turned to face Midna, watching her girlfriend have a go at Link.

Rauru: You a...goer? Ey? Ey? KnowwuImean knowwuImean?

>>There was the slightest bit of jealousy for the Twilit not having gone for her first,

Link: AHHA, ha, ha ha, ha, no, you shouldn't be sad when Midna decides not to "go for you."

>>but she'd get hers in due time.

Zelda: She'll pay...they'll all pay...

>>Midna always came to them so hungry,

Rauru: ...sooooo...hunnnnnngrryyyyy...

DED: But how?! You're never NOT EATING!

Rauru (eating a huge pretzel, dripping mustard on himself): ...An juft why dyoo thing dat ish?! *nomf munch*

>>and Zelda remained patient with her.

Zelda: I'll make her remain a patient! Like, in a hospital. Because I will hospitalize her. With violence.

Link: Yes dear, we know dear.

>>Besides, she would have been lying if she said that

DED: ...dogs have to file tax returns.

Rauru: ...the square root of 11 is “bagel.”

Link: ...this story is worth reading.

Zelda: ...I can tolerate this shit while sober.

>>watching Midna slide her lips along Link's cock,

Rauru: Was it the Electric Slide?

Link: Oh my GOD I hope not.

>>those piercing red eyes

Zelda: She has eyeball piercings? Hardcore.

DED: Nah she just has dumb goth red contact lenses.

>>starting up at her with deep, abiding lust

Rauru: And finishing up with that lust having wilted into dry, tepid indifference.

>>didn't make her more than a little wet.

Link Or was that just some residual dampness from the bucket of water Midna had left balanced atop her half-open door? Well, no matter.

>>A wetness gladly indulged

DED: How do you indulge wetness, anyway? By making it more wet? Less wet? What does moisture really want?

>>as Link released one of her breasts

Zelda: Oh, that is an indulgence for me!

>>and caught her by surprise,

Zelda: And it IS a surprise!

>>slipping it between her thighs and caressing her folds.

Rauru: Um...slipping what between her thighs?

Link: Doesn’t say.

DED: On that basis I’m gonna have to say “it” is the breast that he released.

Zelda: Uh, WHAT?

>>It was a predictable pleasure,

Rauru: Yeah, it’s pretty hard to surprise us at this point.

>>one she felt nearly every night,

Link: What, falling asleep? I think it would be hard to fall asleep in the middle of a threesome.

>>but it was one she loved, gladly parting her legs for it.

Zelda: I knew these detachable legs would come in handy!

>>Link wished desperately that he had more than two hands.

Link: Although I wish more desperately that I had more than one cock.

>>What he missed most about Midna's absence was

DED: ...Midna’s absence.

>>the chance to touch her.

Rauru: The chance to knock some sense into her.

>>The threesomes were amazing, yes,

DED: ...yes?

Rauru: Don’t ask ME.

>>but more than the pleasure he simply desired her with him,

Link: Well SOMEBODY has to keep an eye on her.

>>to feel the stark contrast between his lovers,

Zelda: DON’T SAY.

DED: Wow, open goal, Zelda is nice and Midna is evil, &c.

>>to touch them both.

Rauru: Link has touched us all in so many ways.

>>Even then, as he held Zelda's breast steady with one hand

Link: Oh yeah, that thing’s on a hair trigger, you gotta keep it steady or it’ll go berSERK.

>>and dragged a strong finger along her sit with the other,

Zelda: Um, it’s...where I sit...

>>he wanted to reach out and touch Midna. To stroke her face

DED: Oh I’d apply a good firm stroke to her face all right.

>>as she sought to give him pleasure,

Link: In vain, as it happens, buuuuut...

>>to run his fingers through that silken red hair. Perhaps also to guide her head into moving a little faster,

Rauru: Perhaps to smash it violently into a wall...

>>but that was a secondary desire.

DED: I wonder if he’s sitting there thinking about the primacy of his various desires while this is going on.

Zelda: ...this is LINK we’re talking about.

>>Reaching forward, Zelda grasped Link's base,





>>placing her hand over his and stroking. She would have preferred actually touching Midna,

Rauru: Well you know, you can’t and probably shouldn’t always get what you want.

>>but she was laid out in a position she couldn't easily reach,

Link: Poorly designed user interface.

>>and settled instead for merely helping her in stroking Link's cock.

Zelda: “Look, I’m just trying t—”

Rauru: “Yes I KNOW but you’re not—”

Zelda: “Well if you’d just move your—”

Rauru: “Look I WAS HERE FIRST!”

Zelda: “Bitch!”

Rauru: “Whore!”

>>Her hand softly wrapped around Midna's,

DED: Is her hand twice the size of Midna’s...?

Link: It might have to be MORE than twice the size, to wrap it completely.

DED: Hell I don’t know anything about wrapping, what am I a girl?

>>a gentle-yet-firm hold

Zelda: No, wait, that’s my styling product.

>>as she flawlessly picked up the pace with which she pumped.

Rauru: How badly would you have to fuck up a handjob for it to be described as “flawed,” anyway?

>>She caught a glimmer of amusement in the Twilit's eyes.

Link: Welp, I’m terrified already.

>>Midna was feeling competitive, and Zelda wasn't entirely sure how much she wanted to indulge that.

Zelda: I think you mean “why.”

>>Busy kissing and lapping all over Zelda's breasts,

DED: I’m sure it’s a strenuous job.

>>Link wasn't even aware of what was happening at his crotch,

Link: I am soooooo baked right now man...

>>eyes firmly on the flesh lowered into his face.

Rauru: It’s like one of those carrot-on-a-string arrangements, but with meat.

Zelda: He does respond well to that.

>>He knew Zelda had joined in with her hand, but

Link: ...he had no idea she’d joined in with her nose too!

>>it caught him completely off guard once Midna threw him for a loop

DED: This story’s phrasing became redundant once it started repeating itself.

>>and started sucking rather fervidly.

Rauru: Man, I’d rather read a story about her sucking Dan Rather fervidly.

>>He grunted, fingers jerking and going from merely teasing Zelda's slit to

Zelda: ...actively ruining its life.

>>slipping inside of her, which made the Hylian princess gasp and tighten her thighs around the hand.

Link: But it was no use!

>>He took that as permission to keep going,

DED: Sure, whatever.

>>and started fingering her at the same pace Midna worked his cock,

Rauru: Well we’ve formed an exploratory committee and we should have a preliminary budget by 2018, then actual work on the project should begin by the early 2020s...

>>which made her decide to indulge their girlfriend's competitive streak,

Rauru: If there was ever anyone who'd be into competitive streaking, it'd be Midna.

Zelda: ...How would you win at competitive streaking?

Rauru: Oh you know, yards covered, number of security guards summoned, size of public indecency fine...

>>pushing the hand away from his base and grasping it herself.

Link: Once again and as always, women fighting over access to my dong.

>>Inside of a few seconds, they had gone from a slow, loving pace to something much more frenzied,

Zelda: I’m very familiar with the abrupt transition from love to frenzy.

Link: Hey you know how you told me not to play baseball near your china cabinet? Well you didn’t say I couldn’t golf, so I did and the golf ball kind of whizzed around all inside the cabinet and smashed everything to smitheree—

Zelda (strangling him): —YOU GODDAMN SON OF A BITCH!!!

Link: Gaaaaagghhhkkkkk I loovvveee yoouuu tooooooaaaagghhkkkkk...

>>everyone working very quickly to bring about somebody's pleasure.

DED: Certainly not mine.

>>It wasn't an uncommon thing at all;

Rauru: ...Right? I mean this is normal, right? Anyone would feel this way.

>>all it took for the three of them to collapse into more lust-driven behaviour was one person's desperation.

Link: Sad, really.

>>Midna had, as planned, driven the three of them to a much quicker pace,

DED: This was planned?

Zelda: Then why is MIDNA involved?!

>>and she reaped the reward rather intently.

Rauru: There is a Reaper, whose name is Midna...

DED: ...not in cruelty, not in wrath, the Reaper came that day; 'twas an asshole visited the green earth, and took my patience away.

>>Link's core tightened, a treat for her eyes,

Link: So either I’m about to orgasm, or vomit. At this point I’d give it a solid 60/40.

>>and he channelled all of that lust into working his strong fingers up into the brunette princess,

Zelda: If only he could channel his lust into something productive.

Link: Whaaaat, fingering you isn’t good enough?

Zelda: Dude, I can do that myself.

>>who for all of her composure couldn't help but squirm eagerly

Rauru: I don’t care how many pieces you’ve composed, you’re gonna squirm lady!

>>as they rubbed her insides.

DED: Like a badly-installed artificial hip joint.

>>Zelda stroked Link's cock in time

Link: Oh, thank GOD!

Rauru: I was afraid she wasn’t going to make it!

>>with the bobbing of her head, and she gave kisses to the clenched fist each time they met.

DED: Oh Midna can kiss my fist all right.

Link: Each time they met, she got punched in the mouth...sounds about right.

>>She knew he was close,

Zelda: I mean his dick is inside her mouth...

Rauru: Is THAT what gave it away?

>>his eyes torn between watching either of them

Link: ...or watching a stinkbug slowly crawling up the wall behind them.

>>as his tongue slithered around her nipple.

DED: Grima Wormtongue?

>>He wanted to give both of them his full affection,

Zelda: But who’s got the time?

>>and had a harder time with that issue than either of his girlfriends, who came to accept it much easier.

Rauru: Accept what, from whom and why, and easier how and by how much and who cares?

>>Zelda knew it was difficult and tried to pay equal mind to each of them,

Zelda: Hoh yeah, I worry equally about Link and Midna.

>>while Midna was usually content so long as at least one of them had her in mind.

Link: Does it matter what I have her in my mind?

>>The farm boy groaned into Zelda's breasts,

DED: Sometimes you just need to vent, and how better than to groan into boobies?

>>legs jerking,

Rauru: I think his legs would be better barbecued than jerked.

>>and both princesses knew what was coming next.

Rauru: ...A spicy Jamaican treat.

Zelda: Okay that’s enough.

>>Only a few seconds later, he throbbed in Zelda's hand, emptying himself into Midna's mouth with a ragged shudder

Link: A common reaction to Midna.

>>as his hips struggled to keep from leaving the bed.

Rauru: ...what?

DED: No seriously, WHAT?

>>Midna remained there,

Zelda: I guess her hips had no trouble not leaving the bed.

>>letting him cum into her mouth,

Rauru: A nice gesture, as opposed to not letting him cum in her mouth, getting up and leaving.

>>a sly gaze falling onto Zelda, its meaning apparent.

DED: …

Link: Not to us...

>>The Hylian princess leaned in as Midna moved from her boyfriend's lap to her girlfriend's lips.

Rauru: The perfect sexual relationship for the hyperactive.

>>Her motivations were twofold;

Zelda: To degrade, and to annoy.

DED: Those are your motivations?

Zelda: No, MIDNA, obviousl—GAAAAH the curse of the pronouns!

>>to rile Link up so that he was ready to go again as soon as possible,

Link: My rage-boner is my strongest weapon.

DED: ...Really?

Link: Yeah, what do you think was going on behind the skirt of my tunic as I battled Ganondorf for the fate of the world?

>>and to keep Zelda from getting too high-and-mighty by sharing his cum with her.

Zelda: Oh yeah, no faster way to ascend the corridors of power than by sharing cum from someone else’s mouth.

Rauru: ...Are you being sarcastic or completely serious?

Zelda: I’m...not sure myself.

>>And to her credit, Zelda

DED: ...didn’t wretch or snort derisively, even once!

>>took it eagerly, kissing Midna with a longing that made her snicker.

Link: "Hahaha, it's like you love me or something. What a sucker."

>>They knelt on either side of Link,

Rauru: To pray for forgiveness from the audience, I hope.

>>hands roaming across their backs and through their hair as they kissed,

Zelda: I think a good electric fence could stop that roaming.

DED: I’m...dubious.

Zelda: Look I just want to electrocute Midna, okay?! Is that so much to ask?

>>something as much about what was in Midna's mouth as just about being close.

Link: ...’kay.

>>Their kiss didn't last long,

Rauru: But his STORY sure seems to.

DED: God, yeah, there hasn’t even been penetration yet and we must be like 400 pages in.

>>Zelda pulling away well before Midna would have hoped,

Link: Yes, YES, crush her dreams like she crushed my spine!

>>having expected a long make-out turned steamy fingering session.

Zelda: I would like to give her the finger, but I’m not sure how steam figures into it.

Rauru: Oh you know, everything is steampunk these days.

>>It was her turn to smile,

Zelda: For ONCE...

>>and Midna knew that any idea that would prompt the staid princess to smile was going to be both worrisome and amazing.

Link: No, that is LITERALLY HERSELF she’s thinking of.

>>"Link," she called,

DED: Holy SHIT, dialogue.

Rauru: What a novel concept!

>>and like an obedient dog he perked up.

Zelda: And submissively urinated all over the bed.

>>"It's been so long since we've had Midna with us, hasn't it?"

Link: Not long enough.

>>As she spoke, her hands drifted down to the Twilit's rear, squeezing it firmly.

Rauru: Then tearing it off!

>>Her smile only grew.

DED: Forever, until it engulfed the universe.

>>"I think we should give her some time to be the centre of attention, don't you?"

Zelda: Oh sure, it’s not like she has an ENTIRE GAME named after her or anything.

DED: Um, Zelda? Your hypocrisy is Legendary.

Zelda: What are you...ohhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Link: Yeah, I remember when I was signing all those papers to be in the game, and they were like “Either we can name it after you, or you can have a lifetime supply of peanut brittle and we’ll name it after some bit character,” and well, the choice was obvious.

Rauru: So what happened to all the peanut brittle?

Link: Bah, I went through their “lifetime” supply in like four and a half months.

>>Link nodded, and moved so fluidly that Midna was convinced that

Rauru: ...he was MADE of APPLESAUCE!

>>the two of them had planned it ahead of time.

DED: Before time had even begun!

>>Link lifted her up

Link: Benchin’ naked chicks, my favorite.

>>and pulled her into his lap as he sat up,

Zelda: She disappeared and was never seen again.

>>her back against his firm chest and his shaft rubbing between her slick labia.

Rauru: Yeah, Midna’s labia, always running Ponzi schemes or hustling people on the street...

>>It was too precise to be spontaneous,

DED: ...really now.


>>and she was already squirming,

Rauru: Revulsion rippling through her like electricity...

>>ready to argue and fight it just for the sake of bickering.

Zelda: I can’t speak for her love of group sex, but this story definitely gets Midna’s personality right.

>>They both knew she adored

Link: ...bickering...

>>being in the middle more than anything else,

DED: Even more than her porcelain figurines and her seventeen cats.

>>lavishing in the attention and being the focus of the two people she loved.

Rauru: And these two chuckleheads who tolerate her for some reason.

>>Granted, all three of them did, but she was the most vocal and eager about it, bossily worming her way into the position as often as possible.

Zelda: I don’t get it; these authors seem to know how horrible Midna is, yet still expect us to not hate her on sight.

>>Zelda crawled over to her and cut off the incoming sarcasm at the source,

Link: Yes, PLEASE tell me you cut her head off!

>>going back for another kiss,

Link: Oh come on, that’s not a real solution! Off with her head I say!

>>just as hungry as the one before, and Midna immediately settled down.

DED: Man, who knew the cure to ADHD was love?

Rauru: Yeah totally, vaccines gave my child autism but I cured it with LOVE and PRAYER.

>>As a matter of principle, she never argued with a lover's lips against hers.

Zelda: Well once they’re already there, it’s kind of hard to argue the point.

DED: I think it’s more the difficulties in execution, “Mwuh hmhuhmmmh, hmm muhumummm.”

>>When Zelda's hands ended up on her breast and thigh,

Rauru: My fried chicken!

>>it was only making the moment even sweeter.

Link: Like totes more wicked awesome.

>>Link eased her down onto his cock, and she realized just how long she had been away by the fact that it was a somewhat tighter fit than usual.

Zelda: Or maybe she’s just been Kegeling.

Link: Can’t image her spending the time doing anything actually useful to the governance of her horrible kingdom, after all.

Zelda: Whoa whoa whoa whoa, tight-vaginaed roaylty is TOTALLY useful to the governance of kingdoms.

>>She purred into her girlfriend's lips, the kiss having done nothing to keep her from squirming,

Rauru: And...why...would it?

>>an urge that only grew stronger as she sank down onto Link's shaft.

DED: Here, as Hector charged at him, noble Achilles aimed his ash spear, and drove its heavy bronze blade clean through the tender neck...

>>Planting kisses on the back of her neck and along her shoulder,

Link: Why the agriculture metaphor? Every single story has this! Do farmers plant crops by kissing the dirt?!

>>Link let her get comfortable on his before he did anything major.

Rauru: He then announced that he was dissolving Parliament and proclaiming himself dictator for life.

>>His hands caressed her, working in tandem with Zelda's to leave her overstimulated and overjoyed.

Zelda: I think we can take care of her little joy problem.

>>She made a token effort to stifle down small moans that slipped out of the kiss anyway,

DED: Has Midna ever made an effort on anyone’s behalf besides herself that wasn’t token?

>>her desire for subtlety much, much lesser than her need to be loud.  

Link: Well, sure.

>>Predictably, it only took a moment for her to break away from the kiss a moment,

DED: Man, right when the kiss was gathering moment-um.

>>turning her head back to look at him. "Start moving!

Zelda: “Pack all your stuff into boxes and start moving!”

>>I don't care how great you think your dick is, you're not going to get me off just sitting there."

Link: Well if I just sit there long enough, you'll get off me and go away, right?

Rauru: Dude this is Midna we're talking about here.

>>Having spent enough time around her to take it as a bizarre display of affection,

Link: Oh yeah, sure, abuse=affection. I’LL JUST CALMLY ACCEPT THAT SHIT NO PROBLEM.

>>Link's hands returned to her hips.

Rauru: Yeah but they nail you with the shipping both ways, so even if you get a full refund you’re out like thirty bucks...

>>He thrust upward, using his hands to guide her into moving as well.

DED: beating her savagely whenever she did something he didn’t like.

>>She was surprisingly non-difficult about it,

Zelda: Being a huge bitch and all.

>>moving as encouraged to meet his thrusts.

Link: That’ll look good on her performance review.

>>In an instant she became noticeably louder, rocking in his lap

DED: Yeah man, if you’re gonna rock you gotta do it loud!

>>as he tended to her neglected pussy.

Rauru: Someone call Pussy Protective Services!

>>She cursed the distance between them more than anyone,

Zelda: Staff at the twilight castle would get really confused when she would issue contextless cries of “CURRRRSE YOOOOOU DISTAAAAAANCE!!!”

>>left with burning longing

Link: I have a longing to burn her, that’s basically the same thing right?

>>that she simply couldn't quell on her own, making her cherish the attention of the loves of her life.

DED: Yeah sure there are usually reasons other than horniness to want people to love you, but eeehhhhhhhhhh Midna doesn’t need any of that crap.

>>Once she was moving,

Rauru: She continued to move at a constant velocity unless acted upon by an external force, in accordance with Newton’s laws of motion.

>>Zelda pulled away from the kiss,

Zelda: ...And out of the story entirely.

DED: No such luck.

Zelda: Awww.

>>trailing her lips down along Midna's jaw and neck.

Link: Sadly, she broke a wagon wheel just past Chimney Rock, and died of dysentery.

>>She didn't linger there as she would have liked,

Rauru: Who didn’t linger where, for how not long, and as who would have liked and—

DED: Okay give it a rest.

Link: Hmmmm...somebody...not doing what other people would like them to do...who do we know who usually perpetrates such an act...hmmmm...

>>knowing that having them both assailing her neck and shoulders was her second-favourite way to be kissed by them,

Zelda: Second only to having them assail her knee and shin.

>>but having a plan she needed to fulfil.

Rauru: There’s a plan? I’d like to see some documentation at least.

>>She went down to Midna's breasts,

DED: ...tried to flag a ride!

>>which bounced gently as she rode Link's lap,

Link: Ride my latest attraction, The Lappinator!

>>and grasped one much like Link had one of hers earlier.

Zelda: Oh man, that was some DIRE foreshadowing.

DED: Yeah man, it’s just raining literary payoff.

>>She took the dark nipple into her mouth and began sucking on it,

Link: That being the obvious thing to do with a nipple in one’s mouth.

>>her eyes peering up to meet Midna's gaze.

DED: “Now is NOT THE TIME for your damn staring contests!”

Zelda: “Yeah well, you just know you’d lose!”

>>Her red eyes stared back down at her, that same lust from earlier

Rauru: Hoh yeah, sure, I know the one.

>>more intense now as she no longer merely found herself wanting.

Link: She had progressed to “advanced extra wanting,” a state I spend most of my life in.

>>She was being completely and utterly fulfilled by them.

Zelda: Good, so no room and board, no food or drink, no asking for loans or to borrow a pen, just this and only this. I can live with that.

Rauru: This is Midna, here, we ALL know she’s going to wring you for more.

>>She was thankful for Link's oftentimes complete lack of subtlety.

DED: ...

Rauru: ...

Zelda: ...She’d be the first...

>>His hands slipped down to the backs of her thighs and eased her legs apart.

Link: But I’m...already...penetrating her...?

>>It was a good place to hold her, granted,

Rauru: Oh sure, anywhere will do, preferably just grab a big handful of her hair and drag her around that way.

Link: No way dude, she will drag you around with her hair.

Rauru: Oh, right. Look I wasn’t IN that game, don’t blame me for not remembering every last freak and their hair-based superpowers.

>>as he put his formidable upper body strength into helping bounce her in his lap, but it telegraphed Zelda's endgame,

Zelda: You FOOL!

DED: A CRITICAL blunder!

Link: And THAT was your fatal mistake!

Rauru: Yes, it will take some overmastering cunning to recover from this strategic coup...

>>leaving her restless and wanting the brunette's lips to release her breast

Zelda: Okay THAT I can understand.

>>and deal with the important matter at hand.

Link: And the important matter at groin.

>>It wasn't enough that the fingers of her other hand rubbed along her entrance as Link fucked her and teased her clit.

DED: Oh perhaps the servants could bring in cognac and caviar and a fucking gold-encrusted cannoli?!

Zelda: I would do that, but only so I could eat it all in front of her while holding it just out of her reach.

>>She knew there was sweeter to come,

Rauru: Please be dessert please be dessert please be dessert...

>>and once she came to expect something. 'soon' wasn't enough.

Link: Isn't she just setting herself up to be endlessly disappointed? Like, "When is Christmas?" "Soon." "DAMN IT THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!"

Zelda: Hey man, she's a monarch, she can just change when Christmas is.

Link: Well what if she is expecting to enjoy a sunrise? She can't just DECIDE when the sun rises.

Zelda: Um, you can decide when the sun rises by playing a six-note song.

DED: Also she bitches and moans about daylight and how twilight is so much better than our dumb Earth sky, so I doubt she would look forward to a sunrise.

Link: Fine whatever, it's pointless to try and comprehend the depths of Midna's petty abusive selfishness anyway.

>>She needed more,


>>even if the feeling of slamming down onto Link's cock and the shocks of pleasure it sent tingling up her spine

DED: Saucy sexy penises send shivers down your spine...

>>were more than enough to get her off.

Zelda: So won't any additional efforts be kind of a waste?

Rauru: Wasting good things is one of Midna's many awful maleficent pleasures.

>>"I'm not going to suddenly start lactating, so quit teasing me and start licking the important bits!" she demanded,

Zelda: Well, since you asked so nicely...

>>and immediately regretted it

Link: YES!

>>by the way Zelda complied without question or hesitation.

Link: Wait what?

DED: I'm as lost as you are. And that's slightly terrifying, knowing you.

>>Link would hurry to do whatever she asked, as if he were still a wolf,

Rauru: The constant regimen of beatings worked!

Zelda: Always does.

>>but Zelda was craftier than that,

DED: Crafty enough to NOT do exactly what people tell her to do immediately.

>>and she quickly found her impatience rewarded by another stop.

Link: Think it's time we stop, hey, what's that sound, everybody look what's going down...

Rauru: Zelda. Zelda is going down.

>>Zelda's tongue slithered around her navel, which she had to admit felt exquisite,

Zelda: ...why?

>>but the way she purred against the skin told her that she would be there for a little while.

DED: Oh yeah sure, drag the story out some more, we've got NOTHING but time.

Rauru: I can wait as long as you can. story.

>>Link grunted steadily as he worked,

Link: ...What? It helps me concentrate.

>>nipping and sucking at the skin of the princess's shoulder.

Rauru: He would have nipped and sucked at her bones and tendons, but the skin was in the way.

>>He was more focused on the task at hand than what Zelda was doing to her,

Zelda: Good, good, pay no attention to what I’m doing to her, look the other way, thaaat’s right...

>>having missed Midna as much as Zelda had,

Link: What? I'm a way better shot than Zelda is. Did you SEE me at that Gerudo horse archery game thing?

>>and finding himself much more enthralled by her presence again to their bed.

DED: Using “thrall” in its most literal sense.

Rauru: You aren’t even commenting on the whole “presence to their bed” thing.

DED: I just don’t have the energy.

>>He could kiss, cuddle, talk to, and pleasure Zelda almost every night,

Zelda: And he WILL, if he knows what’s good for him.

>>but he had Midna only for a few days before she disappeared for another fortnight.

Link: That’s terrible!

DED: Yeah!

Link: She should be gone for MONTHS, not weeks!

Rauru: Why does she have to come back at all?

>>In that time, he wanted to get as much of Midna as he could.

Zelda: Um, right, well, a little Midna goes a long way.

>>As she worked her thumb in slow circles against Midna's nub, Zelda's tongue continued lapping at her stomach,

DED: Yes, folks, there will eventually be a point to all this, if you’ll just bear with us...

>>occasionally circling her navel, all in the name of teasing her.

Link: Man, Zelda must have learned a lot from her.

>>She was doing an excellent job,

Zelda: Natch.

>>as Midna grumbled, a hand on Zelda's head trying to push it down between her legs.

Rauru: But...neck...too...strong!

>>She was furious,

DED: Huzzah!

>>which she knew was the intended point, but that didn't make it any less frustrating.

Link: Irritation and backbiting, the foundation of all satisfying sex.

Zelda: May I remind you: Midna.

>>"Do I have to say 'please' for you to just give me what I want?"

Rauru: Well it CAN’T HURT!

DED: “Next thing I know, other people will be wanting stuff, FROM ME!”

>>She didn't get a verbal response,

Zelda: Eh, hang out with Link enough and you come to expect it.

Link: Look, for 90% of problems or requests, “SHAAAAHHT!” is sufficient.

>>but the way the finger suddenly ground into her clit, making her buck forward and shudder, was enough of an answer for her.

Rauru: Yeah, poking her with fingers in various places is enough for the likes of her. “Hey, you got the mustard over there? I’d like to put some on my knish.” And the bam, just poke her in the eye.

>>"Please, Zelda," she said, sounding defeated.

DED: At last!

Zelda: Finally, defeated once and for all!

Link: Surely when we banish her to the twilight dimension THIS time, she’ll be gone for good...right?

Rauru: We’ll put a child-lock on the dimensional stone mirror gizmo.

>>That was all it took, and that only frustrated her more.

DED: ...She should talk to a therapist about all this pent-up anger.

Zelda: I wouldn’t wish that on a therapist.

>>Zelda got onto her stomach, lying in front of her lovers, and slid her head between the legs that Link so helpfully held open.

Rauru: How is that supposed to work, again?

DED: The laws of space and time are no match for the erotic energy at work here.

>>Her tongue ran from Link's base



>>all the way up,

Link: the ceiling?

>>dragging back and forth to get the sides of Midna's slit, until she came to her clit.

DED: Though I must admit, as through this story I’m forced to sit while they suck tit and play with their bits, with realization I’m hit: this is a piece of sh—

Rauru: Yeah okay we get it.

>>By that point, Midna was as loud as she was going to get,

Link: It’s all downhill from here, folks.

Zelda: It never really GOT up the hill, it’s just down. Down into a bottomless abyss.

>>and Zelda was thankful for having ordered the guards further down the hall that evening,

Rauru: To prevent Midna from escaping.

DED: After that woman had her purse snatched further down the hall we just HAD to do something...

>>because the Twilit showed very little concern for whether or not anyone could hear her.

Link: At this point I’d be stunned if Midna showed any concern while padlocking the door to a burning room full of orphans.

>>Her general attitude wasn't very princess-like,

DED: Really more Göring-esque.

Rauru: Whoa, that’s totally out of can’t slander Göring like that!

Zelda: Fine, Goebbels maybe?

Link: Why don’t we just go straight to Hitler?

DED: No no no, you can’t just play the Hitler card like that, man, have you no finesse?

>>but the words coming out of her mouth in rapid order were enough to make Zelda blush and avert her gaze.

Zelda: Ashamed to be associated with her, I assume.

Rauru: “Fuckdickshitcunthellasscockfaggotballs!”

>>Her hands squeezed the black and white thighs before her,
DED: What is this, vintage Edwardian daguerreotype erotica?

Zelda: Those were more like black and piss-yellow.

>>delicately kneading and stroking the skin.

Link: Then apply the cucumber slices and that green gunk to the face...

>>Link's firm, strong grasp was the only thing keeping Midna from

Rauru: ...killing EVERYONE.

>>clamping them down around her head and facefucking her,

Zelda: What? Just...what? But Link’s torso...the just doesn’t...can’t...but...

DED: Careful Zelda, that way lies madness.

Zelda: ...the angles...all wrong...non-Euclidian...cyclopean stones more ancient than Man...

>>and while that was its own sort of enjoyable,

Link: The humid, sticky, not-enjoyable sort of enjoyable.

>>Zelda was thankful for it.

Rauru: “This Thanksgiving, let’s go around the table and say what we’re all thankful for. Zelda?”

Zelda: “I’m thankful I wasn’t face-fucked by an abusive redhead from another dimension.”

>>She focused mostly on her clit,

DED: She came to regret focusing so narrowly on her clit when job-hunting though.

Zelda: Shoulda just majored in general biology, and not over-specialized so much.

>>but would occasionally send a lick down Link's shaft

Link: Am I connected by a series of pneumatic tubes? That would be SO RAD!

>>just to hear him groan; she enjoyed hearing it, just not as much as Midna.

Rauru: I reeeeeeally don’t care about the dense technical specifics of their stupid, ill-advised relationship.

>>Midna came first to the surprise of absolutely none of them.

DED: I’m surprised.

Link: Why?

DED: I assumed Midna would have the ability to delay her orgasm forever, to make the task of pleasuring her into a tedious, soul-deadening Sysiphean ordeal.

Zelda: I’m sure she would if she could.

>>She shouted,

Rauru: YOW! I feel good! I knew that I would now!

>>bouncing on Link's cock and rocking her hips, obscene as ever

Link: Oh yeah, she’s real obscene.

Zelda: Perverse.

DED: Blasphemous, even.

Rauru: Yeah, abominable.

Link: Repugnant.

Zelda: The enemy of all right-thinking people.

>>as the fire in her ignited.

Link: Well, I’d spray her with foam, but she’d probably find it sexy or something.

>>She quivered, grasping at Zelda's face clumsily, head rolling back, her entire body leaning against Link's for support as the pleasure consumed her.

Zelda: "Ah that was great well look at the time guess you'd better be going so long."

>>Her tight, velvet pussy tightened around him,

Rauru: Well you know what they say, the rich get richer and the tight get tighter.

>>urging him to fill her with him cum by pure biological instinct.

DED: I thought they were by the armoire, next to the vanity.

>>He did in short order, not wanting to hold back if she was cashing in.

Zelda: I can’t help but feel like they’re mixing their metaphors.

Link: Cashing in hormones for fluids, a sound financial move.

>>His seed filled her up with a distinct, liquid warmth

Rauru: Just like Zelda’s afternoon scotch.

Zelda: Hey, you shut u—no wait, thanks for reminding me! *takes out hip flask*

>>that made her go weak as she squirted her clear girlcum right into Zelda's face.

DED: Why am I not surprised?

Link; She was probably aiming for Zelda’s priceless tapestry but missed.

Zelda: Good thing you already ruined it with barbecue sauce.

Link: Are you still sore about that? Look, your napkins also look super fancy, how am I supposed to tell them apart?


Link: But we all know you love excess! Was it so unreasonable for me to assume you had a seventeen-foot-long napkin illustrated with scenes of—

Zelda: Just CAN IT!

>>The Hylian princess yelped,

Rauru: YOW! I feel nice!

>>not having expected Midna to gush on that one,

DED: "That one?" How many faces does she HAVE?

>>though in retrospect it was sort of obvious

Zelda: Yeah, what's wrong with me?

>>they'd done enough of a number on her to bring about a particularly potent orgasm.

Link: But not enough of a number on her to leave her mangled in a ditch, which was the preferred end-state.

>>She could see a weak smile forming on Midna's face from her reaction,

Rauru: "Hehehe, right in your eyes...ahhhh, good times."

>>and her eyes narrowed.

DED: "I don't want her to be happy! Damn damn damn!"

>>She suddenly came to enjoy the next stage of the plan so much more.

Zelda: Ohhh yes, let us begin Stage 2...yessss...ha ha ha ha ha...hahahahahaha...AHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

>>She grabbed Midna's head and pulled her down,

Rauru: Woo, chokeslam!

DED: Piledriver!

Link: The Frankensteiner!

Rauru: WOOOOO!

>>the Twilit ending up on all fours, Link still buried inside of her,

Link: *plays bagpipes*

Rauru: Amaaaaaaazing graaaaace, how sweeeeeet the soooound...

>>and her head now firmly between a pair of milky thighs.

Zelda: On a spike, atop the highest battlement.

>>“It's time for you to give back,” Zelda said matter-of-factly.

Link: Whoa-hoh, that time came a long, long, LONG time ago.

>>“Being the centre of attention doesn't mean you only receive.”

DED: Oh you’ll receive...receive a BEATING!

Link: So, wait, is it just...over?

Zelda: Yeah, I guess we can assume they just had sex again and again forever until they died of dehydration one by one, the living still humping the dead, and their dessicated corpses were found in lewd positions weeks later.

Rauru: wouldn’t have assumed that.

Zelda: ...I think there’s something wrong with me.

DED: Well we all know who to blame—

All: Midna.

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