In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space
We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:
Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “People love it when ya lose, give us dirty laundry!"
Rauru! “You men eat your dinner, eat your pork and beans, I eat more chicken any man ever seen!"
Zelda! “I don’t know, but I been told, big-leg woman ain’t got no soul!”
Link! “Well I stand up next to a mountain, chop it down with the edge of my hand!"
If you don’t get how he stays alive
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!
“The Two Sides of Tetra” by TheEnviousEnvy
DED: Is this going to be a double-penetration story?
Link: “Look! All the fucks I give!”
Zelda: “But you’re just pointing at the empty ocean.”
Link: “FANCY THAT!!!”
>>Link dropped his mop and bucket with a huff.
Rauru: What’s he huffing? It might explain his apparent brain damage.
Link: Look, if they didn’t want me to huff markers, they wouldn’t make them smell like fruit.
>>Even after so many years aboard Tetra's pirate ship he wasn't above janitor duty,
DED: Nope, he’s exactly on janitor duty.
>>"The deck's finally all clean!"
Zelda: “No you imbecile, I meant clean the deck of the ship! My playing cards are all soggy now!”
>>"Took you long enough," Tetra teased while gazing at the night sky.
DED: “Yeah night, you’re so slow, it took you like twelve hours to show up.”
>>It never failed to be lovely way out on the ocean away from civilization,
Link: Insofar as a complete absence of anything is lovely.
Zelda: Well, I always did say you had a beautiful mind...
Link: You never say that, you always say I’m a destructive idiot.
Zelda: Yes, no, look, I was making a joke.
Link: Is it about the movie? I never saw that movie.
Zelda: God, never mind.
>>"You started at noon, and now we've got a full moon out."
Rauru: Technically, the moon can appear in the sky during the day.
DED: What if the two statements are entirely unrelated?
>>"It's not my fault!" he objected,
Link: “I can’t control when the moon rises!”
DED: ...Don’t you have several magic songs that manipulate time?
Link: Shut up.
>>"We had that pirate attack,
Rauru: Were they attacked by other pirates, or were they ATTACKING someone because they ARE pirates?
>>and Niko dragged me out to some new island he spotted in the east.
DED: It’s like Grand Theft Auto 4 in reverse.
>>I've been working hard all day!"
Link: I’ve been working on the railroad...ALL the live-long day!
Rauru: Well, see, “working hard” isn’t the same thing as “accomplishing a lot,” ESPECIALLY when Link is involved.
>>"I can tell..." she quipped with a finger under her chin.
Zelda: Ugh, quips with a finger under my chin, am I making the fucking Dreamworks eyebrow right now too?
>>Sweat and dirt was evident all over his body. There were even a few visible cuts and bruises.
Rauru: That doesn’t seem atypical.
Zelda: Now hold on, I know from experience that that doesn’t necessarily mean he was hard at work doing what I asked him to do.
>>Leaning in to examine him further, she felt something stir within her.
DED: An alien chestburster?
Rauru: Facts, schmacts. You can use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
>>she added while taking in his more masculine than usual smell,
Link: “Can I...help...you?”
>>"I think you're about to start working even harder..."
Rauru: Toiling in the vagina mines, singing the vagina-mine-a blues...
DED: My Captain called me over, I know from experience past, when her seas get good and stormy she’s gonna climb my mizzenmast, I got the blues...I got the vagina-mine-a blues, whoa yeah…
>>"You don't mean..."
Link: “...that I’m not going to work harder! I can tell because of the words that you said! With your mouth!"
>>Link tried to say while one look at her eyes told him that she did mean exactly what he was thinking.
Zelda: Hmm, work that's harder than swabbing the decks...maybe cleaning the barnacles off the bottom of the ship?
Link: But it’s ON THE WATER.
>>"Yes I do," she corrected him. "Head back to the cabin while I freshen up."
DED: “Are we going to work on the ‘poop deck’ or the, uh, ‘clam locker?’”
>>By now Link knew better than to object further when his captain was getting into the mood.
Zelda: I feel the mood...the mood to be screwed.
Link: So you’re gonna, ahem, buzz my tower?
>>She planted a quick peck on his cheek
Rauru: A peck of what? Leeks? Radishes?
DED: The fuck you say?
Rauru: Radishes won’t grow there. You need to till his face first.
>>before he went running back to they room they now shared.
Zelda: Since it’s they room, I could have guessed that.
>>He took a seat on the bed which had since been switched out for one to support two people.
DED: Since when? Did it get switched out in the time between when she ordered him to report to the cabin and when he entered and sat on the bed?
Link: “Whoops, THAT wasn’t there a minute ago!”
>>Other than that the room hadn't changed much
DED: Are we supposed to vividly remember Tetra’s bedroom from Wind Waker? It’s not exactly foremost in my memories of that game.
Rauru: Clearly you didn’t install the Wind Waker Hot Coffee Mod.
>>aside from a few of Link's belongings being spread out on the floor.
Zelda: WHAT. A. SURPRISE.
>>Most noticeably a pictograph of Tetra's mother still hung on the wall
DED: Hey! Tetra! Leave that Link alone! All in all, it’s just a...mother pic on the wall.
>>and Link took a few moments to stare at it.
Link: AH DURRRRRRRRRRR.
Rauru: “WHY IS THERE A TINY FLAT PERSON IN THE WALL?!?”
>>"Sorry about this," he apologized to the picture,
Zelda: Hey, hey, it’s the audience you owe an apology to.
>>"but there's simply no stopping your daughter when she gets like this."
Link: “When the red mist descends and she goes into an unstoppable frenzy of violence...”
Zelda: And WHOSE fault is that, usually?
Link: Well, it’s often the fault of your fragile dinnerware, or occasionally your all-too-flammable furniture, or your too-easily-destroyed car, or your dirt-attracting clothes, or…
Zelda: IT’S NOT THE OBJECTS’ FAULT FOR YOU BREAKING THEM YOU DIPSHIT!
>>"Don't give me that crap!"
Zelda: YEAH EXACTLY!
DED: I mean technically, if the objects didn’t exist, Link couldn’t make you mad by destroying them. Like, epistemologically, he has a point.
Zelda: I WILL FUCKING END YOU.
>>Tetra's voice entered the room from the other side of the door,
Rauru: Oops, she forgot to bring her body. THAT’S gonna put a damper on the lovemaking.
>>"As if you'd want to stop this even if you could!"
Link: Yes, it’s almost exactly as if that.
>>With that the cabin door flew open to reveal a hungry Tetra waiting in nothing but a blue striped pair of panties and bra.
Rauru: Hungry, eh? So she’s going to gorge on snacks in her underwear? Been there, done that.
>>Since they had first met on Outset Island all those years ago the girl had done quite a bit of growing in the front and back
DED: Now she has enormous shoulderblades and three-foot toenails.
Link: Or, now that she’s snagged history’s most eligible bachelor, she just let herself go and packed on the pounds.
>>and she reveled in every opportunity to show off her hourglass curves to her hero.
Zelda: “HEY DID YOU SEE THIS HOURGLASS?”
Link: “Yes, for the ten millionth time, yes!”
Zelda: “SEE HOW THIS HOURGLASS HAS CURVES?!”
Link: “Freaking EVERY hourglass has c—”
Zelda: “IT’S LIKE A SINUOUS TIMEKEEPING JUGGERNAUT HOLY SHIT!!!”
Link: “God shut up!”
Rauru: Wow, good role reversal.
Zelda: Yeah, the court-appointed counselor suggested it might help with the aforementioned killfrenzy.
DED: Has it?
Zelda: I beat the counselor’s head in with a broom handle just for suggesting it.
>>Link simply couldn't resist focusing on her swaying hips while she sensually made her way over to where he was.
Rauru: Moonwalking like crazy!
>>"Well just look at you..." he cocked an eyebrow while admiring her.
Zelda: “Why would I look at myself? That’s crazy talk.”
DED: I kind of wish I didn’t have to look at any of you.
>>"You have no idea how lucky you are," she scolded him,
Zelda: “Or about...anything, really.”
>>"You're the only one that can get me feeling like this."
Link: I’m the only one that can make her feel naked?
>>"You're drawn to my heroic charm," he remarked as she wrapped an arm around him.
Rauru: “Yes well maybe your heroic charm could DO SOME LAUNDRY sometime.”
>>Feeling his hardened muscles in her palm
Link: ...What are MY muscles doing in HER body?
>>only served to make what she was feeling starting dripping out from her crotch and into her panties.
DED: Her emotions are leaking out of her vagina. Okay, sure, that sounds like most women I know.
>>"Well whatever it is I need it, and I need it badly!"
Zelda: Whoa, soundin’ like Link over there.
Link: Hey, whatever the best word for me being pissed at your remark is, THAT. Totally that.
Zelda: It’s all right, sweetie, you tried.
>>she gave in and pulled him down on top of her on the bedsheets.
Rauru: How can he both be on top of her and on top of the bedsheets?
DED: No, it says he's on top of her and SHE'S on top of the bedsheets. Like, "pulled him down on top of heronthebedsheets."
>>Tetra wasted no time
Zelda: Except for ours.
>>diving into his mouth with her own getting a good taste of him with her tongue.
Rauru: Thaaaaaat's what you use to taste things all right.
>>Grinding her hips against his only served to increase the tension between them further
Link: Really? Usually what does that is breaking her flowerpots or setting fire to one of her antique wardrobes.
Zelda: YOU SET FIRE TO BOTH MY ANTIQUE WARDROBES!!!
Link: Oh yeah, I did!
>>and drive Tetra to nearly her mental limit.
DED: That is uncanny.
>>"No time for this... Not tonight,"
DED: So can we...go, or…?
>>Tetra panted as her own lust consumed her,
>>"Get down there... right now..."
Zelda: “Sort all the crates in the hold...”
Zelda: “What? I told you you were about to start working harder...”
>>Her flushed face told Link that teasing her right now was simply out of the question.
Rauru: The question is, “In a frictionless environment, how many pound-feet of torque would be required to move a 100-pound weight 4 feet up a 30-degree slope?” See? No teasing involved.
>>He politely complied with her request
DED: Vague and pointless as it is...
Link: Yes, I “got down there right now.”
>>and slid his way down to her soaked panties.
Zelda: I’m so glad I had that slip-n-slide installed in my bedroom!
>>Looking back up at her sweetly, Link promptly slid them off
DED: ...blissfully unaware that the third-person narration had used the word “slid” to refer to him kneeling, rendering the sliding of the panties stiltedly redundant.
>>to find her womanhood dripping in anticipation of his arrival.
Zelda: “Womanhood?” Uh, exCUSE me, I identify as a trans-asexual-omnigendered-otherkin psychic vampire, and I’m triggered.
>>The hero moved his head in closer to take in her scent, but was caught by surprise when Tetra's thighs sudden locked around his head.
Rauru (David Attenborough voice): In the wild, a tiny mistake can prove swiftly lethal. As seen here, by the rare, and dangerous...Venus Guytrap.
>>He looked up to see her biting her anxiously biting her lip
DED: I’m going to mock this ruthlessly mock this mistake.
>>and quickly stuck his tongue out to give her want she wanted.
Link: A childish gesture of disrespect?
>>Tetra's head went flying back the moment Link's mouth made contact with her moist opening,
Zelda: The cunnilingus was so good it BLEW MY HEAD OFF?!?
>>and she squeezed her legs around him tighter
Rauru: And then HIS head exploded too!
>>as he began to prob her tender clitoris with his tongue.
DED: So it’s probably her clitoris.
Link: That thing’s like the fucking Lost Dutchman’s Mine.
>>He moved his tongue in circles
DED: ...somethin’ about the ages...I failed college algebra again...and that skinny blonde girl...
>>around her folds.
Rauru: She knows when to hold ‘em (with her legs), when to fold ‘em (that’s her cooter), and when to run away.
Zelda: Or waddle, in your case.
>>Her fluids continued to leak out in response to his stimulation,
Link: Sounds like a fuel line break. Is there an oily smell?
>>but he didn't hesitate to lick them up and take in the flavor.
Rauru: There’s something here...relating to my dominant personality trait...can’t quite put my finger on it...
>>Tetra's mind went blank for a moment when she finally felt his tongue go inside and begin to explore her inner walls.
Zelda: That ends up happening to me whenever Link does a LOT of things.
DED: It might be because his mind actually starts out blank, so it’s like blanking out yours.
>>His gentle oral treatment
Link: New minimally-invasive technologies mean painless dentist visits!
>>sent shivers through her body,
>>and she planted her hands firmly on his head as he continued to work his way deeper inside.
Rauru: She’s already clenching his head between her thighs, does she REALLY need to secure it further?
>>"That's it... keep going..."
Zelda: “You’ll figure it out EVENTUALLY…”
>>she panted, her insides going crazy as her climax approached.
DED: Organs spinnin’ around like a clown bowtie...
>>Link responded to her pleas by relaxing himself
Link: Good plan!
>>and closing his eyes
DED: “Don’t wanna look at THAT...”
>>as he went in as deep as he was able.
Rauru: He better bring a canary.
Zelda: Pirate ships don’t have canaries. We got a parrot, would a parrot work?
>>All the while he maintained a firm rhythm in order to go in for the kill.
Link: Wh—by LICKING her? That’s gonna take FOREVER!
DED: I guess maybe eventually she’d die of dehydration from her leaky vagina.
DED: What?! ‘Swhat it is.
>>His efforts were not lost on her
Rauru: What does that phrase even MEAN? Can an effort really get “lost?”
Zelda: Oh hohoho, trust me, when it comes to Link’s oral sex, it can.
Link: If I could understand implication I’d be real mad right now!
>>as her knees locked behind his head
Zelda: “Ahh, that was incredible. Now let me just find my keys and I can let you...oh. They’re...coulda sworn I put them…hmm.”
>>when his tongue made its way to her innermost areas.
DED: *hums Mission Impossible theme*
>>Within mere moments
Rauru: Yeah, those moments ain’t SHIT!
>>the feeling that had been building within her
Link: ...in the air tonight, oh Lord!
>>was ready to burst to the surface.
>>"I can't take it... I'm cumming!" she squealed with the last of her willpower
Link: Oh, great! All her willpower is gone forever! I always said she had way too much of that for her own good.
>>before Link's cunnilingus forced her into her desperately needed orgasm.
DED: “Forced?” Man, this sounds like some radical feminist interpretation of what is, basically, a huge favor to a girl.
>>However, as the sensation of her climax rippled throughout her body, something else began to rise up within her.
>>A powerful energy welled up within her and enveloped her being.
Zelda: Oh boy oh boy, do I get to wield unfathomable eldritch power due to orgasm, again?
>>Just as Link exhaled in satisfaction
Link: “PFFFT PFFT PTHETH, uggghhh. That taste’s gonna take FOREVER to go away.”
>>with hi work
Rauru: Hi! I’m Rauru, not “work,” but I appreciate your friendliness!
DED: What did she notice?
>>a faint glow emanating from Tetra's body.
Zelda: BEHOLD, MORTALS!!!
>>As her legs finally loosed their grip on him he looked up from his position
Link: Free at last, free at last, oh Lawd I’m free at last!
>>to notice that her skin had taken on a fairer complexion and her hair was now hanging down.
Zelda: So I’m a...super-saiyan now or what?
>>"Oh Link," she sighed in a much softer and sweeter voice than normal, "That was incredible."
Rauru: Soooo it was some kind of...magic de-bitch-ifying ritual?
Link: She could really use one of those.
Zelda: I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear any of this, because my ass-whuppin’ arm is tired.
DED: What from, all the drinking?
Zelda: Don’t push me, chucklefucks, you have NO IDEA what I’m capable of.
>>He gazed into her loving eyes for a brief moment and was quickly able to deduce what was going on.
Rauru: Her hairband got dislodged and her hair fell down, and...her rub-in bronzer all got washed away by coitial sweat.
>>"Glad you liked it... Zelda..."
Zelda: I didn’t. I hated that description of cunnilingus and I hate the prospect of more.
>>He still didn't know exactly what triggered it or why,
Link: ...What triggered her orgasm? I...think I know what triggers those…
Zelda: Aheh, heh, I...don’t think you know that.
>>but from time to time Tetra would slip from her usual self to her royal alter ego.
DED: And then go fight crime! Biff! Pow!
>>Her memories would be the same, but her personality would warp to match her new skin tone.
Rauru: So...personality is based on skin tone? This shit’s gone full Stormfront.
>>The incident that would always stand out to him was when
Link: ...She tripped and fell head over heels and her skirt flew up and I saw her underwear tee hee tee hee!
DED: What the hell does THAT have to do with her transforming?
Link: It didn’t say why the incident would always stand out to me.
>>she once cursed him out for dropping a treasure chest back into the ocean due to a grappling hook malfunction
Zelda: I hope that’ll stand out to him, so he won’t make the same boneheaded mistake again.
Rauru: But what are the odds of that?
Link: ...the odds of it standing out, or the odds of making the same mistake?
>>only to come back to him in tears a few minutes later saying how sorry she was.
Zelda: Sorry I didn’t curse him out harder.
>>"So... do you want to cuddle with me?" Zelda pulled him from his inner thoughts
DED: ...And from her inner thighs.
>>with outstretched arms.
"Huh? Oh sure,"
Link: “Yeah whatever.”
>>Link blinked and refocused on the situation at hand.
Rauru: With grim, steely determination, he marches bravely into the fearsome jaws of cuddling.
>>With a smile Zelda pulled Link up to eye level with her and began to playfully nuzzle her nose against his.
Zelda: NOSE FIIIIIIIIGHT!
DED: NASAL KOMBAAAAAT! DUN DUN DUN DUN DUNDUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUNDUN...
>>This was certainly not something Link was used to her doing in bed,
Rauru: I mean when they’re banging in the woods or a movie theater or a public bathroom, sure, but HERE? No way.
>>but he shrugged it off
Link: Ho ho! I can EASILY withstand Eskimo kisses!
>>and decided to play along with her affection.
DED: I mean he’s been playing along these years, why stop now?
>>Once he took his shirt of Zelda
Zelda: Shirt of Zelda?
DED: +1 Armor Class, +2 Charisma, -4 to Will saves to resist alcohol.
Zelda: I assume there's some sort of jibe against me buried under that thick layer of nerd garbage, so I'm gonna go ahead and flick your ear some more.
DED: I said you were charismatic! OW!
>>started to plant playful kisses along his upper body.
Rauru: Making sure to thoroughly till and cultivate his flesh to ensure a good seed bed.
>>Link was hoping to get his turn to do the same but found himself obstructed by her bra
Zelda: Yeah, bras can be pretty restrictive, but why is HE wearing my bra?
>>that she was still wearing.
>>"Mind if I get this off?"
Link: “So I can, um, get off?”
>>Link tugged at one of the straps.
Zelda: Not waiting for permission, obviously.
>>"Of course not. Why would you even need to ask?
DED: To...get...an answer...?
>>I don't need to hide anything from you,"
Zelda: “Especially not my magnificent tits!”
>>Zelda immediately approved.
Rauru: “Hell yeah, this thing’s been buggin’ me all day!”
>>Link was too used to always having to get Tetra's approval
Zelda: Um, well, good, I guess.
Link: But you know you love it when I sneak up on you and tear your clothes off!
>>before making moves like this,
DED: Before workin’ on his night moves...
>>so he was taken somewhat aback by this change of pace.
Rauru: I dunno, the pace still seems pretty brisk.
DED: “Change of protocol” is probably more accurate, but fuck if I’ve ever seen that word in a porno.
>>This didn't necessarily mean he had any objections to it though,
Zelda: Given Link, pretty much NOTHING he does necessarily means ANYTHING AT ALL.
>>so he made quick work of her bra straps
Link: Ho ho! I fear not your bra straps as well!
>>and released her breasts which seemed even perkier than usual to him.
Rauru: So it makes her kinder, more tender, more respectful, and gives her bigger boobs. Is there ANY downside?
Zelda: Hey man, I worked hard for that tan, and now it’s gone.
>>He slipped a rosy, pink nipple into his mouth
DED: Quit snacking in bed!
>>and began to suck on it to her delight.
Link: Skyyyyyrockets in flight...
>>She giggled as his mouth began to play with the tiny bud,
Rauru: Beatz By Dre.
>>but his own instincts started to kick in as he started to grind his hips into hers.
DED: Oh yeah, “instincts,” THAT old chestnut.
>>While Tetra would ordinarily join in, Zelda was more concerned by the hardness pressing against her pelvis.
Zelda: What, the bedpost jabbing me? Yeah, that IS uncomfortable.
>>"Link, I can feel how hard you are..." she chuckled.
Rauru: What, do you want a medal?
>>"Oh, yeah I guess I am..." he finally realized how tight his pants were feeling.
Link: This is a smutty romance story, of COURSE I’m wearing tight pants. I imagine I’m also wearing a billowing, chest-baring, diaphanous white shirt and perhaps a pencil-thin moustache.
>>"Well you have to let me take care of it. I mean I am the one who caused it right?"
DED: I don’t understand this fucking trope. How is having a boner a problem that the woman would feel guilty over? Why would getting a boner be a crime that needs to be accounted for? Who assigns blame for boners and then demands recompense?
Rauru: It miiiiiiiight just be an excuse to bang.
>>"Yeah, You are..."
DED: I mean technically, the blood flowing into his penis is what caused—
Link: Would you SHUT UP, there’s a blowjob on the line here!
>>"Then say no more.
Zelda: “Like seriously shut up.”
>>It's my responsibility to make it go back down."
Rauru: “So I’m going to read to you from this technical manual for forklift operators until your boner withers and dies.”
DED: Look, you’re JUST COCKTHIRSTY! No one’s fooled, stop being such a fancy little bitch!
>>With this Zelda eagerly made her way down to Link's waist
DED: See? If this was an act of sincere contrition to atone for the crime of giving him a boner, she wouldn’t be eager about it…
Rauru: You might be thinking about this a bit too hard.
>>to do away with his belt.
Link: Youze beltzis gonna get freakin’ whacked, capice? I breakayou legs!
>>In contrast to how Tetra would ordinarily take this time to tease him before moving on to the next step,
Zelda: “You’re dumb and you smell funny and nobody likes you. Now, on to the knob-gobbling!”
>>Zelda went right on ahead and pulled his pants off
Link: Well don’t hold back on MY behalf!
>>as well to free his manhood from within.
DED: Free manhood!
Zelda: Free Mumia!
Rauru: Free refills!
>>The sound of it flopping back against his abdomen elicited a laugh from girl
Link: She won’t be laughing when I make that sound by slapping it against her face.
>>before she paused to admire his erection.
Zelda: Oh, bra-vo.
>>"No matter how many times we do it I always love seeing this big dick of yours," she praised,
DED: That isn’t technically praise. That’s just her saying something about herself.
Link: But she said my dick is big.
DED: Still not necessarily praise, just evaluation.
Zelda: So what WOULD have been praise, Mister Pedantry? “I always love seeing this big, praise-worthy dick?”
DED: That’s STILL not actually assigning the praise, just saying it SHOULD be praised.
Zelda: God, fine! “YOUR DICK IS GOOD!!!”
DED: That’s the ticket!
>>"It's just so hard and thick and filling
Rauru: I think she’s confusing his dick for the hardtack they keep on the ship.
Link: ...what a lucky maaaaaan...he waaaaaas…
DED: Bonerson, Lake & Palmer?
>>"Oh... uh thanks," Link rubbed the back of his head.
Link: Oh, no need to be modest. This can’t be the FIRST time someone’s praised my enormous dong.
>>While it was no secret how much Tetra enjoyed sex with him,
Zelda: It’s no secret to everybody?
Rauru: It’s not dangerous to go alone, don’t take this!
DED: Yes, yes, and Dodongo likes smoke, let’s move it along.
>>she would never be this forthcoming with her compliments.
Link: Forthcoming? Already? Did I lose count?
Zelda: It doesn’t mean that, you halfwit.
Link: What happened to one through three? I’m so confused.
>>"So what do you want me to do?" she calmly asked,
Rauru: His laundry, probably.
>>"Anything in particular."
Link: No, I want you to do a non-specific thing to my dick. Fuck me in the abstract.
>>"Well... I used my mouth on you earlier so it would only be fair if you gave me a blowjob, right?"
DED: Well, no, at the moment they’re trading at 1.04 blowjobs to the muff-dive, while analingus is equivalent to 45.34 smooches on the cheek and two-in-the-pink-one-in-the-stink is strong against the Euro.
>>"You mean you want me to put my tiny little mouth on this beast?"
Link: “Yes, exactly!”
Zelda: Why would I belittle my own mouth?
Rauru: Maybe she’s trying to weasel her way out of this.
>>she asked sweetly "I'm not even sure it'll fit..."
DED: “Haven’t you been doing the mouth-widening exercises we talked about?”
>>"Oh, I'm sure you can handle it,"
Link: “You gotta believe in yourself!”
>>he grinned as he managed to mentally adjust himself to her shift in tone.
Rauru: Man all this respect and gratitude and unqualified affection, how will he manage to cope?
>>"If that's what you want I'll be sure to do my best," she smiled
Zelda: Or maybe you should just want something else.
>>and wrapped her delicate lips around his cock head.
DED: Y’know when you stick out your bottom lip, and you can kind of roll it up on your chin? Like around a pencil or something? That’s what I picture when I hear the phrase “wrapped her lips around.”
Link: Why, is there something wrong with you?
DED: I think there is.
>>Despite her earlier teasing, Link knew full well what Tetra's mouth was able to handle
Rauru: Hah! What HER mouth is able to handle? Compared to ME, she is as a moth before the hurricane.
Zelda: So you’re...saying you’re really good at sucking dick?
Rauru: If you mean spotted dick, then hell fucking yeah. My mouth can handle spotted dick, toad-in-the-hole, or ANY ridiculously named British confection.
>>and Zelda easily slipped the first half of it into her mouth.
DED: The second half was rather banal in comparison, it had several plot holes and the whole twist at the end was rather contrived.
>>Tetra always needed to remain slow and composed during her oral sessions on Link to maintain her dominance,
Link: I don’t...quite get the connection there.
Rauru: Wouldn’t be the first time.
>>but Zelda had no qualms about making it known just how much she enjoyed doing this.
Zelda: Not...even...a little!
>>She ran her tongue around all sides
DED: Does a penis HAVE “sides?” It’s kind of a, y’know, tube.
Link: The inside and the outside.
>>and made several loud slurping sounds as she feasted on his meat.
Rauru: No, you know what? This is TOO easy. I’m not even gonna. Pass.
>>"Mmmmm, so fat and delicious," she moaned between slurps, "like a jumbo sausage."
Rauru: NO! Goddammit, don’t TEMPT me!
DED: Tempt you to make jokes about your gluttony, or tempt you to actually INDULGE in your gluttony?
Rauru (desperately holding a jumbo sausage at arm’s length): BOTH! ...Ahh, who am I kidding... (devours sausage)
>>"G-Glad you like it so much..." he struggled to speak clearly
Zelda: He doesn’t exactly struggle to speak CLEARLY, per se…”coherently” would be more accurate.
Link: ...couldn’t POSSIBLY be dangerous! So I duct-taped all the whipped cream canisters to the fuselage and inserted the test monkey into the cockpit...
>>"Now if only I had some sauce to go with it..."
DED: Ugh. UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH.
>>"Oh I think you'll get some soon," he hinted,
Link: I poured a bunch of ketchup in her shoes. Hee hee!
>>"Just take in a little more."
Rauru: But how can she...take IN a little more sauce...if she doesn’t...have...
>>"But of course," she agreed
DED: “Bwuhbuh cwuh,” she gurgled around a mouthful of dick.
>>and bottomed out on his penis.
Zelda: Yep, ‘strue, this is the nadir of my life.
>>Zelda continued to slurp away as her throat wrapped around him.
Rauru: Singing gaily!
>>Link couldn't help but get incredibly turned on from seeing her so into this.
Link: I can’t help but think the warm wet pulsating squishy thing wrapped around my penis is contributing more.
>>He throbbed like mad
DED: MAD I tell you!
Rauru: It is THEM who are mad I say!
>>under her tongue
Zelda: Wait, like a thermometer? UNDER my tongue?
DED: ...a girl...who has...just...changed her ways! It’s down to me...ooooh yeah…
Zelda: Shut up.
>>as his seed built up for release.
Link: Get hype!
>>Usually Tetra would demand some type of warning when he got this close,
Rauru: Typically a formal legal memorandum of some sort.
>>but there was no hesitation in Zelda's work.
Zelda: The Great Work must continue ever and always.
>>She could tell how close he was by the way he twitched
DED: He’s extremely close, in fact part of his body is actually INSIDE her.
>>but the thought of slowing down never even occurred to her.
Link: That’s odd, I mean, seems like a pretty basic concept...
Zelda: You’re one to talk.
>>"I've... got some sauce for you..."
Rauru: “In the...fridge...eat it before it...goes...bad!”
>>Link joked as he hit his limit,
Zelda: Yep, that’s why we’re not laughing.
>>but Zelda continued to suck him off without pause.
DED: ...Old Charlie stole the handle, and the traaaaaain it won’t stop goin’ no way to slow down...
>>A few seconds later Link's cum began to spray into her mouth, but this failed to deter her as well.
Link: Mother of God.
Rauru: Isn’t there ANYTHING we can do?!
>>Her lips maintained a firm grip on his erection as she worked to swallow every drop that was being released.
Link: Funny, ‘cuz when she’s Tetra usually I’m the one sucking up to her.
>>Link went wide-eye
Zelda: Just the one?
DED: Well he is a pirate.
>>as her could feel her lapping up each and every shot he let out.
Link: And again, usually SHE’S the one shooting me.
Zelda: Come on, I only did that that one time.
Link: And yet, for some reason, it really stands out in my mind.
>>Although Tetra had never been one to have a problem with swallowing
Rauru: I can proudly say the same.
Zelda: I don’t think y...it’s not...never mind.
>>Link had never seen her do the job this quickly and efficiently.
DED: Employee motivation is high! Those team-building exercises must really work.
Link: Dude, if THIS was what constituted a “team-building exercise,” I’d...like...actually get a job.
>>While she would always take a few moments to sample his semen on her tongue,
Rauru: Waitwaitwaitwait, first you gotta let it breathe for a while, then you swirl it around and sniff it.
>>Zelda skipped the show
Zelda: But I bought these tickets six months in advance!
>>and down his seed with one single gulp
DED: BAM! Wrecked! Oooooh yeah!
>>and a big smile. "Absolutely wonderful," Zelda licked her lips with a satisfied grin,
Zelda: “...My bundt cake was, that is. That was decidedly mediocre.”
>>"Your penis is always so yummy."
Link: I must have soaked it in gin or something.
Zelda: Now THERE’S an idea! I mean shut up, fuck you!
>>"That's uh... good to hear," Link answered awkwardly.
Rauru: Don’t have to tell US twice.
>>"Are you going to let my other mouth get a taste of that?"
Zelda: “Y’know, the slavering fanged one in my midriff that leads directly to Hell.”
>>she rubbed herself on him.
Rauru: Just smearing herself all up ins.
>>"If you're willing to give me a minute to catch my breath."
Zelda: “No, 40 seconds.”
Zelda: “50 and I’ll stroke your taint a little.”
>>"Sure, sure," she cuddled against his arm,
>>"I'm willing to wait for whenever you're ready."
Rauru: Seven hours later...
>>Zelda nuzzled her face against his chest and started to use her left hand to stroke him back to hardness.
Link: Don’t take no rhythm! Don’t take no style! Got—
DED: No, stop, I can’t take anymore Billy Squier.
>>Instead of trying to return the favor like he normally would,
Zelda: ...stroke MY penis?
Rauru: Don’t EVEN go there.
>>Link decided to lean in against her to enjoy the moment.
Link: If I really wanted to enjoy the moment, I’d...I dunno, flip on the TV, eat a popsicle or something.
>>He wrapped his arms around her
DED: Around and around and around at least a dozen times!
>>and rested his cheek against her hair. Meanwhile,
Zelda: ...the crew was fomenting the SHIT out of a mutiny.
DED: “Fomenting the shit out of.” See, phrases like those are why I keep you around, Zelda.
Zelda: What? What’s so special about that? I know my crew, they always be fomenting.
Rauru: ...Is that the thing you do to make milk into cheese?
>>Zelda gently squeezed and kneaded Link's hardening meat
Link: Hey! Hands off my jerky.
>>in her hand
DED: She’s got the whoooooooole dick...in her hands! She’s got the whoooooooole dick...
>>until her work caused it to return to its full size.
Link: Her job turns me on?!
Zelda: EVERYONE finds pirates sexy!
>>"Is it finally ready for my pussy?"
Rauru: Twelve hours later...
>>Zelda inquired delicately
DED: I find “pussy” to be the most delicate of nouns.
>> even though the pulsing in her hand told her the answer.
Link: In Morse code.
>>"You bet it is." he answered with a quick thrust into her palm.
DED: En garde!
>>Zelda pulled away
Rauru: She’s at the 30-yard-line, the 20, no one will catch her!
>>and got on her hands and knees
DED: Supplicate yourself before Allah.
Link: What are you, a terrorist?
>>She stuck her rear up proudly in the air like a peacock showing its feathers.
DED: Well, okay, sure. Peacock feathers are there exclusively for the purpose of bumping uglies.
Zelda: But I’m a girl, though, and the feathers are only on peacocks. So it should be, um, “She stuck her rear up proudly in the air like a...peahen...being...incredibly brown.” No, that doesn’t really work.
>>Link drew in closer as she wiggled her hips seductively at him.
Rauru: Not a very impressive mating dance, but hey, it works.
>>A surprised gasp escaped her lips when Link's hands caught on to her waist and his penis started to rub against her entrance.
Link: Why the FUCK is that a surprise?!
>>"Don't be too hard on me with that monster of yours.
DED: “Tell your chimera to be gentle, okay?”
Rauru: “Be careful with that mummy.”
Zelda: “So wash me separately on low heat.”
>>she innocently teased him.
Link: But she’s GUILTY. Of teasing.
Rauru: C’mon, it’s just pillow talk.
Link: TEASING IS NO LAUGHING MATTER!
>>"Should've thought of that before you got me so hard," he retorted
Zelda: Oh good, blame the victim.
DED: No no no, this isn’t GENUINE sociopathy, it’s...lighthearted sociopathy.
>>before jamming himself into her womanhood.
Rauru: No! You can’t go back into the womb! Stay born!
>>The mere act of penetrating Zelda was enough to force an audible moan out of her.
Zelda: And to force me into a lifetime of confusion and disappointment.
Link: ...I don’t get the connection.
Zelda: Exactly, sweetie...exactly...
>>She hummed with joy at every move he made in and out of her womanhood.
Rauru: That won’t get annoying any time soon.
>>Even as Link repeatedly shoved the entirety of his dick into her body
DED: DAMN that’s an awkward and wordy description, it’s like...something I’D write.
>>she happily received every single inch of him with pure delight.
Rauru: NO! Not all of him! We’re NOT touching that fetish goddammit!
>>"Oh Link, You're always so thick.
>>It feels like I'm going to split in two."
Link: Into what?
>>"It doesn't help that you're always so tight."
DED: Kids, kids, don’t fight!
Rauru: “Well YOU were a total embarrassment at that dinner party the other day!”
>>"Feel free to fill me up with as much of your stuff as you wish."
Zelda: Hopefully not his cooking.
>>Link slid his hands up from her waist to her beasts to pull himself closer to her.
DED: Hold me closer, tiny pirate gigolo...
>>He sampled her soft skin in his hands
Link: "Hmmm, yes...soft, supple, free of blemishes...this will be the PERFECT material for my new line of jackets and leisurewear!"
>>and aligned his body perfectly with hers.
Zelda: How, with magnets?
>>Their hips grinded together as the energy built up between them.
Zelda: See? Electromagnetism.
>>His cock pulsed with each pound it made into her body in preparation of its second release.
Rauru: Although critics dismissed his second release as derivative and uninspired, it still proved a commercial success...
>>Zelda enjoy hearing Link whimper
Link: She sure seems to.
Zelda: Look, the terror of my inferiors is like sweet nectar to me, I can’t help it!
>>and readied herself for what was sure to come next.
DED: An incoherent anecdote.
Link: ...didn’t NEED to check the soldering, it was fine! So the only other explanation for why it failed catastrophically must be sabotage! And I knew just who did it: My old nemesis, Rodrigo the swarthy one-armed antiques dealer! So I...
>>"Are you going to cum Link?" she cooed,
Rauru: Well what the fuck do you THINK?!
>>"You know I love it whenever you shoot your hot spunk into me."
DED: Damn woman, how do you have the brainpower to be chattering like this during sex?
Zelda: Gee, it must be like the sex is really uninvolving or I’m a fucking genius OR MAYBE IT’S BOTH.
>>Link tried to answer her question,
Link: Thinking is hard.
>>but his response was obscured by him mumbling it into her hair.
Rauru: "I said, murhurblrfuffrmr!"
>>Based on how hard he was, she assumed that it was a yes.
DED: How could the word "yes" have been so badly obscured by her HAIR as to be unintelligible? Like, it would take effort to fuck it up that badly.
Zelda: Well this IS Link we're talking about here.
>>With a few more muffled whimpers the throbbing in his loins finally overflowed and spilled into her insides.
Link: Outrageous, I’ve never spilled ANYTHING before!
>>Link clutched onto his lover tightly
DED: But if you cling too tightly, you’re gonna lose control!
Link: Waaaaay ahead of you.
>>as he felt himself let out several spurts of his hot seed within her.
Rauru: This is quite literally a hot mess.
>>Zelda deeply enjoyed the feeling of his essence splashing within her,
Zelda: No, “enjoyed” isn’t quite the right word...hmmm...it’s more a sort of...“resented,” that’s the one!
>>but as she reached the beaked of her ecstasy
Rauru: No no no, this is a Tetra story, not a Medli story.
>>something once again snapped within her.
Zelda: Link just does that to me. You’d snap sooner or later, too.
DED: Oh, way ahead of you.
>>With his eyes shut in recoil from the pleasure,
Link: What? BS, I have GREAT recoil control.
Rauru: What are you talking about? Guns don’t even exist in our world!
Link: And yet, Zelda’s brandishing one as we speak.
Zelda (racking the slide): Just keepin’ ya honest.
>>Link failed to notice her skin darkening once more.
DED: This is like that movie Iron Sky, where moon-Nazis kidnap a black astronaut in their swastika moon fortress and turn him white with their Aryan science and we get to see a black actor running around in whiteface.
DED: Not a word of that is a joke.
>>When his orgasm subsided he collapsed on top of her unaware of the beast that had been reawakened.
Link: The kraken approaches!
DED: Nah, they’re saving that for the sequel, “The Two Sides of Tetra II: Get Kraken.”
>>"Enjoy yourself, Hero?" A voice asked him in a sarcastic tone.
Link: Dang crew always watching us bang, it’s creepy!
>>"Yes I... did..."
Zelda: Here I am, rocked you like a hurricane! Wait, no, that’d be a disaster.
>>Link whispered as her change in voice dawned on him once again.
Rauru: It also dawned on him that he might want to find a less-crazy girlfriend.
>>"How lucky are you to have her show up in the middle of satisfying me?" Tetra questioned.
DED: So she admits that it’s fortunate when she’s Zelda and not Tetra.
Zelda: Well yeah, I’m the greatest thing ever.
>>"Lucky enough to hear you admit just how much you like me."
Link: You know you want me, baby!
DED: Don’t you feel even a little bit bad about pulling a catchphrase out of thin air?
Link: Yoooooooooouuuuuu know you want me, baby!
>>"As if you really need me to tell you how much I enjoy your fat cock."
Rauru: Oh great, THIS is what we were missing, more nattering catty dialogue.
Link: To be fair, Zelda was pretty annoying too with all her “oh gosh your big scary dong, I don’t know if I can do it tee hee.”
Zelda: Yeah, this story has managed to have a female protagonist with dissociative identities that are BOTH irritating for different reasons.
>>"Well it was certainly nice to hear how well I'm doing for you as well as to get to be on top for once," Link admitted honestly.
Link: Also in this newfound spirit of honesty, this story blows and I want a sandwich.
>>"Oh, you like being on top?"
Zelda: You’re the top! You’re the Tower of Pisa! You’re the smile of the Mona Lisa! I’m a worthless check, a total wreck, a slop! But if baby I’m the bottom you’re the top!
>>"It was a nice change of pace."
>>"Well, then next time I suppose I'll have to let you be on top again," she offered him
Zelda: And so, we never had sex again.
>>"Really?" he blinked.
Link: “I can get unlimited talk and text AND 4G connectivity all for a reasonable monthly rate?!”
>>"Yes," she paused,
Rauru: “Wait, no.”
>>"...Next time though. This time you need to pay up for all the fun you had while I was away."
Zelda: While my body was being possessed by a time-ghost or a genetic memory or magic schizophrenia or something.
DED: Was the Tetra personality just sort of riding shotgun, making snarky comments and eating popcorn?
>>"Figures," he shrugged, "but you'll have to get me hard again first."
Link: “Read to me from the screenplay of Die Hard. And do the voices. Ooooh yeaaaaaaaaah.”
>>"Oh, I'm well aware of that."
Zelda: “I know everything, remember?”
>>she shot a sexy look back at him.
Rauru: Out of their ship’s CATAPULT AND TOTALLY NOT A CANNON.
DED: I assume that was some Nintendo legal thing. “No, we can’t have the pirates shoot you out of a cannon into Forsaken Fortress, think of the lawsuits! Make it a non-gunpowder-based method!”
Link: “We can’t feature cannon violence in this game about stabbing Ganondorf in the skull with a three-foot-long blade!”
>>She hurried to turn herself around
Zelda: Hokey Pokey speedrunning.
>>and get Link back down on the bed
Rauru: “Shh! I just got him down for his afternoon nap! He’s very fussy today!”
>>just the way she liked him.
Zelda: In bed, dick hard, not talking.
Link: Listen toots, you can only pick two.
>>Taking a seat firmly on his face,
DED: Man, she’s really...rubbing it in.
Link: Yeah, that doesn’t...sit well with me.
Zelda: Yeah, well I hope he...performs cunnilingus on me. Err, wait.
>>she reached out to grab his penis which was already returning to hardness.
Rauru: “Continuing to read without cracking up or snorting derisively” is ALSO becoming more hard.
>>Her body shivered when she felt Link slip his tongue back inside of her
Zelda: The horror...the horror...
>>but wouldn't be distracted from her objective.
DED: Which is...?
Link: I’ve forgotten at this point.
Zelda: Even I’m not sure anymore.
>>Using her left handle to cradles his balls,
DED: ...Old Charlie stole the handle, and the traaaaaain i—
Zelda: Dude, you already used that one.
>>she used her right to caress the expanding pillar of flesh
Link: Wasn’t that a boss in one of the Resident Evil games?
DED: Pssh, wasn’t that a boss in, like, every Resident Evil game?
>>in front of her. While ordinarily she'd revel in their foreplay
Link: “Honey, this is kind of killing the mood...”
>>for a bit before going to the next step,
Rauru: She must take forever to climb stairs.
>>the current situation had her feeling somewhat impatient.
Zelda: “I can’t wait anymore, I haven’t had sex with Link for, like, FORTY SECONDS!”
>>Once she felt his meat throbbing again in her hand she was immediately ready to jump
DED: Might as well...jump!
>>ahead to the main event.
Link: HllllllLLLLLLLLADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
>>"No more time to lose. That thing's going in,'
Rauru: That line sounds like it belongs in some generic, silly action movie.
DED: Yeah, like “Deep Blue Sea” or something.
>>she got off
Zelda: And how!
>>of his face and moved her self down to her favorite position.
Rauru: Wide receiver?
Zelda: Upward lotus?
Link: 32.329498, -64.833489?
>>In a slightly out of character move she
DED: ...Listened compassionately as he talked about his feelings, offering unconditional love and support?
>>spun herself around to face Link
Rauru: Like a record, baby, right round.
>>before finally impaling herself on him.
Zelda: Violent suicide, huh? I guess she wanted out of this story as bad as we do.
>>"I've never had an issue looking at that fine backside of yours," Link commented
Link: “‘Cept when you’re wearing loose-fitting pants...or a baggy skirt...or are facing towards me, or it’s really dark...that can cause some issues.”
>>as her vaginal walls surrounded him
DED: The walls are closing in...and I’m loving it!
Zelda: “I’m well aware of your propensity to stare at my ass.”
>>but this time I wanted to have a good look at you so I can make sure you're enjoying yourself."
Rauru: Look, you can just SAY “I feel like regular cowgirl instead of reverse.” It’s not the biggest deal.
Link: I certainly don’t care.
>>The exchanged a friendly smile
DED: For store credit? Or for a smile of equal or lesser value?
>>before Tetra really went to work on him
Rauru: But I thought he was the one who was “about to start working even harder.”
>>and started to slide herself up and down his pole.
Link: If this whole piracy thing doesn’t work out, at least she could be a fireman.
Link: Yeah yeah, firemanwoman.
>>Being the laid back guy he is, Link had no trouble relaxing himself
Rauru: Is it REALLY that stressful?
DED: I imagine that having to perform sexually, for a woman who is both a pirate and your boss, might actually be a bit stressful.
>>and focusing on the sensation of her squeezing down around him. Tetra looked down at him
Zelda: Generally, yes.
Link: I get no respect I tell ya, no respect! I check into a hotel, ask the bellhop to handle my bag, he starts feelin’ up my wife!
Zelda: I said NO RODNEY DANGERFIELD!
Link: Yes dear...
>>to see that same goofy face he often made when she was pleasuring him
Rauru: What if his face is just goofy in general?
DED: That can still be true.
>>and took it as a sign to keep up what she was doing.
Zelda: “THING GOOD?”
Link: “THING GOOD!!”
Zelda: “KEEP DO THING?!”
LINK: “DO KEEP DO THING YAAAAAY!!”
>>On her end
Rauru: In her end.
>>though Link's cock was filling her as wonderfully as ever.
Zelda: So the best thing you can say about his cock is, “It occupies space.”
>>His mass stretched out her insides
DED: I guess you could say his Mass had an Effect?
Link: Well at least I’m Dune somethin’ right.
Rauru: Yeah, it’s very Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic. Wait, shit.
>>and reached up to even her deepest spots.
DED: Her record is pretty spotty.
>>She always treasured the feeling of being filled like this
Zelda: So I buried the feeling and marked the spot with an X?
Rauru: Well you ARE a pirate.
>>but for this one time she treasured the happy look on his face just the same.
Link: Even I have trouble believing that she would evaluate her own sexual rapture and one of my facial expressions to be exactly equal.
>>"Just this one time you can cum whenever you want," she kindly offered him.
Rauru: “At all other times, you must cum uncontrollably completely at random!”
>>He didn't respond verbally but
DED: ...broadcast a psychic emanation into her brain?
>>offered her nod to make it clear her message was understood.
Zelda: Thank you for your explanation as to how body language works.
>>Link stretched himself out slightly as Tetra felt the all too familiar throbbing within her.
Link: Was it the pulsating of her pent-up unreasonable anger?
Rauru: Or maybe the pounding of her twelve-martini hangover?
Zelda: Oh sure, laugh it up.
DED: Thank you, I will!
>>A bead of sweat rolled down her face when she saw him
Zelda: I tend to break out in a nervous sweat at the very MENTION of Link, much less seeing him.
>>starting to squirm in place beneath her. He arched his back up a bit to get his manhood even deeper inside her.
Link: Because my dick is on my...back...?
>>The additional swelling in his dick stretched her pussy out to its limits.
Link: Because the position of my back changes the size of my...dick...?
>>She relished the moment
Link: Because she relished...the moment...?
DED: Okay that’s enough.
>>right before his penis started to spasm inside and send his seed rushing out inside.
Rauru: “Out inside.”
Zelda: Inside inside inside.
>>The panting between them intensified as Link's semen mixed in with the fluids Tetra had built up in her enjoyment and arousal.
DED: Thanks to generous government subsidies.
Link: Heh heh heh, “stimulus package.”
>>Tetra let herself collapse onto his chest with exhaustion when she felt the results from his orgasm dripping their way out of her.
Zelda: A vague, lingering regret is dripping out of her?
>>"Did you enjoy filling me up Mr. Hero?"
Rauru: I often say the same thing to my food, ex post facto.
Rauru: Y’know, gotta pay tribute.
>>Tetra asked in her best effort to impersonate Zelda's tone.
Link: Whoa there, she’s at least half a bottle of wine away from getting her tone right.
Zelda: Alright THAT’S ENOUGH, c’mon! Yeah yeah, har dee har har, I drink like a fish to cope with the stress of running an entire kingdom and supervising my incompetent man-child boyfriend while being periodically forced to read preposterous and disgusting stories about my sex life. So cut me a break. It’s not like I constantly make fun of you guys’s foibles.
Link: ...You literally just now called me an incompetent man-child.
Zelda: Shit, I didn’t expect you to actually have paid attention to that. Okay, well, it’s not like I make fun of Rauru’s nonstop slobbish gorging.
Rauru: Yeah you do.
Zelda: Well I don’t make fun of Dave being a lonely basement-dwelling neckbeard.
DED: Yeaaaaaaah you do.
Zelda: Oh. Shit. I guess we’re all pretty much irredeemable.
Link: Sure are, drunky!
>>"As much as a pirate enjoys filling his wallet."
Rauru: But pirates HATE filling their wallets! They prefer burying all their liquid assets on deserted islands and leaving cryptic clues on where to find them.
Zelda: Curses are often involved.
>>"Can't say I'm too proud of losing control of myself in the middle of sex."
DED: That doesn’t seem like all that unusual an occurrence.
Link: Yeah, but usually the loss of control amounts to something like crying out another man’s name, or peeing or something. Not literally transmogrifying into another person.
>>"I like it when you get all sweet like that."
Rauru: “When you dress up in your Froot by the Foot lingerie…”
>>"I just wish it wouldn't be so random."
Zelda: I mean, come on, have a little sympathy for me, this is kind of an existential nightmare. “I just wish I had the slightest control over my sudden massive personality changes, tee hee.”
DED: Well look on the bright side, it’s a GREAT excuse. “Sorry officer, but you have an arrest warrant for TETRA, the nefarious pirate. I’m the cool and fabulous Princess Zelda, you see.”
>>"Well maybe if you'd cuddle with me more it wouldn't feel so random,"
Link: Well maybe fnah fnah fnah fnah FNAH fnaaaah!
Zelda: Well maybe FNAH fnah fnah fnah, fnah fnah FNAAAAH!
>>he innocently proposed to her.
Rauru: Forget eternal matrimony, the most you can get out of Tetra is a small increase in snuggletimes.
>>The sincere look in his eyes quickly broke her guard.
DED: And then launched her into an air-juggle into spike into air-juggle into Hadouken.
>>"Eh, it's worth a shot." she shrugged
Zelda: “The whole love-deprivation experiment has been going okay, but what the hell, I could TRY giving you a tiny iota of affection every now and then...”
>>and wrapped her arms around him and rested her head on his chest.
Rauru: And went to sleep and woke up and brushed her teeth and ate breakfast and...
>>And it did work.
Rauru: And and and and and and and.
DED: What was even the original problem? I can’t even tell.
Link: I think the original postulation was that if we cuddled more often it would lower the likelihood of her invasive brain-doppelganger swooping in and devouring her ego.
>>For about eight hours anyway
Zelda: When the abuse and manipulation returned with a vengeance!
>>when Link's morning wood rose right with the sun,
Rauru: So it’s a reliable indicator of sunrise, just like a...cock.
>>but regardless of whether it was Tetra or Zelda with her mouth on it Link would certainly be the last one to complain.
DED: ...After all the rest of the crew had their turn complaining.
Rauru: Yeah, given how fucking chatty they are during sex, I have to assume this whole business takes forever and is really inefficient.
Link: And I also have to question whether her professionalism, having sex with her employees all the time.
Zelda: Oh don’t be silly, why do you think you ARE employed?