Saturday, August 23, 2014

"Ruto's Romance" by Incredibleintruder

In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space

We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:

Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “The camera loves ya!"
Rauru! “Make mine al dente!"
Zelda! "Yeah I like my pocket fulla money, my whiskey gin and wine!”
Link! “Macho macho man! I've got to be a macho man!"
If you don’t get how he stays alive                
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!

>>There are multiple problems when it come to finishing a quest.

Link: Yeah, like you gotta fill in a bunch of paperwork…

Zelda: You gotta declare quest-related loot on your taxes, ‘cause they’re technically income but they’re a separate category from your regular wages and then there’s the whole deductibles thing where the quest is technically charity work...

DED: Let me just interrupt you here to point out that there’s a missing “s” and we’re only one sentence in.

>>When one's destiny is to fight a great evil

Rauru: ...One needs the cleansing power of Tide®!

>>and to vanquish it for good,

Link: You could hardly expect me to vanquish evil, for evil.

>>there are damages done that can't simply be pushed away.

Zelda: Tell me about it.

Link: What do YOU know about post-traumatic quest disorder?

Zelda: Okay, first of all, I did about as much questing as you, you were just too stasis’d to notice. Second, you want to talk damages? Ganondorf killed my family and reduced my house to rubble.

Link: ...Which you CAN simply push away. Like, with bulldozers.

Zelda: Or with sweet, beautiful booze. That works too.

Link: See? See how I’m right all the time?

Zelda: *swig* No, but this is helping...

>>Riding Epona, Link was lost in his thoughts.

DED: Oh, this is that “highway hypnosis” you hear about.

>>Travelling in the great fields of Hyrule, the hero of time had saved the sages,

Rauru: Hold on, NONE of the sages were in the fields! Forests, mountains, deserts, mysterious extradimensional spaces (yours truly), but no fields.

>>defeated Ganondorf and did his duty,

Link: Uhh, yeah, sometimes I did have to “do my duty” out in the field, if I needed to real bad and I couldn’t make it to an outhouse.

>>saving everything and everyone

Zelda: And everywhere and everywhen!

>>from what could have been.

DED: ...But what if being saved is what could have been?

>>The dungeons being cleared, the monsters vanquished and untold treasures now being his,

Rauru: ...Well you’re certainly not telling us about them!

>>the Hylian young man had many problems,

Link: Did you not JUST LIST the ways in which all my problems are solved?

Zelda: If you’ve got quest problems, I feel bad for you, son: I’ve got 99 problems but the dungeons not being cleared, the monsters not being vanquished, and the untold treasures not being mine...ain’t...three.

>>yet one that was preeminent right now.

Link: “What time do the liquor stores close?”

Rauru: Huh?

Link: Oh, sorry, channeling Zelda for a second there.

Zelda: Oh ha ha, real funny. don’t actually know when they close, do you? I mean if they’re still open after the story's over I was th...ahh, never mind.

>>What now?

DED: Book deals? After-dinner speaking?

>>What was he to do with his life?

Rauru: He could chuck it in a U-Store-It, maybe pawn it for a couple bucks...

>>He was young, yet he had been formed to battle creatures

DED: Uh, what creatures?

Link: You know...creatures.

>>and to be brave in all matters when it came to confronting things greater than he.

Zelda: Except his dirty laundry. Then he’s nowhere to be found.

Link: Whereas YOU certainly don’t have an army of handmaidens to confront your laundry oops no wait you totally do.

Zelda: Uhh, moving on...

>>However, there was one thing that Link knew not what to actually confront:

Rauru: One thing with which Link not knew not for to want to what which with actually to entirely for confront?

>>a lack of purpose.

Link: A lack of porpoise? Well, I can probably get some cheap canned tuna, that usually has some porpoise in it.

>>With but a few ideas in his mind to occupy himself,

Zelda: PFFFFFFFFFFFpfpfpfpfpfpftt YUP.

>>the young hero tried to help rebuild what had been broken.

DED: Hmm, I dunno...the “only a few ideas” part was right on, but the idea of Link rebuilding anything he breaks is a bit far-fetched.

>>Visiting many races,

Rauru: Like the Tour de France and the Indianapolis 500.

>>he simply tried to occupy himself until he'd find something.

Link: Eventually, he found a quarter and some old movie-ticket stubs under the couch.

>>Visiting the Gorons,

Zelda: ...was mildly awkward and unpleasant.

>>he could see that Darunia's son, the one named after Link, had risen up and became their leader.

DED: In a violent coup against his father’s tyrannical regime!

>>Returning to the Kokiri,

Rauru: ...He got a bunch of those prickly burrs stuck to his leggings.

>>he saw many a bit distraught by the loss of Saria's presence,

Link: Why is she gone? It’s not like being a Sage is a full-time job.

Rauru: And don’t I know it! *pulls out an enormous ham hock*

>>yet life went on for them despite all that.

DED: All that one singular thing.

>>It was the same spectacle after a good while,

Zelda: The allure of serial killing starting to fade...

>>with Kakariko village, Hyrule, the Gerudo Fortress and most of everywhere carrying on after what happened.

Link: Yeah just whining and moaning and carrying on...

>>The same couldn't be said for him, though.

Zelda: Oh sure, Link NEVER carries on.

>>Beginning his adventure at 10

Rauru: Ten SHARP, young man!

>>and then getting restrained in time for seven years to be preserved to fight against Ganondorf,

DED: In a mason jar.

>>Link never had any respite until now.

Zelda: Except for those, y’know, seven years doing nothing.

Link: I didn’t get to ENJOY them...

>>Not one to let it show, Link carried on,

Rauru: Not wanting to let it show, Link bitched and moaned?

>>helping rebuild houses,

DED: Sometimes even houses whose destruction WASN’T his fault!

>>bringing in resources

Rauru: Rakin’ in the cash...

>>and being generally pleasant,

Zelda: What, so he’s helping with the reconstruction of Hyrule by being a folksy, hospitable Midwestern housewife?!

Link: “Oh hello there dear, what lovely weather we’re having, just put up a dozen cans of cranberry preserves doncha know, come and sit a spell!”

>>though silent all the way.

Rauru: Don’t-jingle bells, don’t-jingle bells, silent all the way! Oh what fun it is to ride when you’ve got jack shit to saa-AY!

DED: That sounds like the Link we know. Or, rather, that DOESN’T sound like him.

>>He didn't really know much of anyone,

Zelda: I think you meant “much of anything.”

>>with him being so focused on his task that social interactions had always been linked to demands, tasks and personal quests

Link: Oh my GOD, tell me about it. “Link, find my dad and wake him up!” “Link, bring me my missing Cuccoos!” “Link, travel through time and stop Ganondorf from ruling the world!”

Rauru: Have you ever considered that they don’t engage you with more friendly banter because you never talk?

DED: When someone just walks up to you and stares, what ARE you gonna do besides ask them to solve your problems?

Link: Yeah, whatever, look, my system works. You can’t argue with the results.

>>that he had to accomplish to get their help.

Zelda: ...such as it is.

Link: Hey, the Cuccoo lady rewarded me with the most precious commodity in all of Hyrule, the empty bottle.

Rauru: I noticed; those things are literally priceless. You can't buy them for any price.

>>Going from place to place like this for a time,

DED: Hey, want to go to "place" at "time?"

Zelda: "Response!"

>>his pilgrimage made him return to Zora's Domain,

Link: I dunno, it made me? I think I could have consciously avoided it...

DED: Yeah, don't be a slave to completionism!

>>the area where those fish people lived.

Rauru: That sure is...sensitive.

Zelda: "The area where those weird gross fish monsters hang out."

>>Wearing the blue tunic that was made by them as a form of respect,

Link: “I’ll show my respect by not drowning!”

>>Link was always fascinated by the surprising warmth and beauty of the area.

DED: “Wow, it’s surprisingly not cold and ugly around here!”

>>It was a simple, yet peaceful people,

Rauru: The area...was a people?

>>with nothing much that caused harm to others.

Zelda: ‘Cept the way they live and bathe and poop and dump their garbage in the source of all of Hyrule’s fresh water.

>>They ate fish, they swam around

Link: What rich, full lives they lead...

>>and were focused on social interactions and smaller contests against each other,

DED: Their intense mah-jongg matches, their Magic: the Gathering tournaments...

>>which made Link's presence a bit awkward as far as he knew.

Zelda: Which wasn’t much, so no problems there.

Link: Look, if I cared about awkwardly intruding on people’s private lives, what kind of video game protagonist would I be?

>>Going to see the king to ask if there was anything he could do to help

Rauru: ...he was told he could best help by leaving.

>>considering the place had been frozen solid a few weeks ago,

DED: Wouldn’t the expansion of the freezing water have cracked the walls of the cave and basically fucked everything beyond recognition?

Zelda: Wouldn’t it hurt if I flicked you really hard on the ear?

DED: Well, yeah, but whatOW!

>>Link tried to be as polite and presentable as possible.

Link: Let me fetch my powdered wig!

>>Kneeling before the king sitting atop a small waterfall,

Rauru: ...really hurt his knee.

DED: Okay enough of those.

>>Link greeted the royal being, saying ''Greetings,

All: *giggling*

Zelda: Oh, REALLY.

Link: Can’t fault the story for accuracy.

DED: I’d like to point out something that might not be obvious: that wasn’t a quotation mark, “, it’s a pair of apostrophes, ‘‘. Wuddup with that?

Rauru: Author had a broken Shift key?

DED: And so to capitalize his sentences he had to hit Caps Lock at the start of every sentence? Rough.

>>your majesty. I have come to offer my help to your people.

Zelda: “Well, ‘help.’”

Link: “Well, ‘people.’”

>>Is there any need for me to help rebuild something for the Zoras?''

Rauru: “Yeah, go rebuild me a bacon sandwich and some chips and a Coke and some pudding and doughnuts.”

DED: Are you making fun of how fat King Zora is, or are you actually asking for those things because you’re so ungodly fat yourself?

Rauru: Little of both?

>>The king, a slow and meticulous being,

Link: Does “meticulous” mean “obese?”

DED: No, it means “fastidious.”

Link: ...does “fastidious” mean “obese?”

>>looked down on Link, his higher position and height making it impossible for him not to move his neck and back to be able to envision the man before him.

Zelda: ...the hell is THAT supposed to mean?

>>Taking his time to be just in the right position, the large ruler

Rauru: They don’t call him “the Great” for nothin’.

>>smiled a bit before replying. ''There is someone who actually called for you.

DED: “Someone was calling out, ‘Link! Link!’ Either they were looking for you, or they were giving advice on web design or Street Fighter or something.”

>>Hearing about the way you have been helping around, that person made it known that if a heroic young man like you came around, you had to go to the fountain.''

Link: “Why, what’s wrong with the fountain?”

Rauru: “Nnothing, but you should go there anyway, that CERTAIN PERSON is waiting there.”

Link: “But how am I supposed to help if there’s nothing wrong with…”


>>he said in a friendly tone, almost sounding as if there was something he was conveniently forgetting.

DED: Yeah yeah, we figured it out, story, it’s Ruto. Who else is he going to go to the Zora fountain and bang?

Zelda: ...Jabu-Jabu?

Link: NnnnnGAAH!

>>Rising an eyebrow in curiosity, Link made his way past the king,

Rauru: Climbing over his mountainous gut using pitons and rope.

>>who kept on looking at him as if anticipating something that only he knew would happen.

Zelda: Looking forward to lunch or something, I imagine.

>>Getting there,

DED: Yeah, page or two scene is still pretty far away, though, and God knows how long that’s gonna go on...

>>Link could feel that the cold climate had been replaced

Link: Al Gore was right!

>>by the tepid, yet somewhat natural temperature that made this particular place a natural paradise.

DED: Because when I imagine paradise, foremost in my mind is “tepidity.”

>>Moving to the altar where Jabu-Jabu could be found,

Rauru: If he hadn’t frozen the fuck to death.

>>Link could see from afar a silhouette of a Zora, one that was strangely recognizable.

DED: Look, story, stop being coy: Only two Zora in Ocarina of Time have distinct identities, and Link just walked past the first one. We KNOW WHO THIS IS.

>>His footsteps resonating on the semi-wet stone,

Link: *splat* *splut* *splurt*

Zelda: Not the first time THOSE noises will be made in this story.

>>the figure was alerted of his presence as it turned around, leaving Link speechless.

Rauru: Llllllllike he usually is.

>>It was Ruto,


>>the Zora he had first met in this very area years before,

Zelda: It’s surprising how infrequently people meet up again at the place where they first met to have sex.

DED: I’m not sorry though, because then random Starbucks and dive bars and high schools and bus stops would be full of people banging.

Link: Like they aren’t already?

DED: Okay, MORE full.

>>the one who had given him the Zora sapphire.

Zelda: And the clap.

>>When she had given this object to him, he had no knowledge that it was a symbolic marriage proposal,

Rauru: Do they only have the one stone to propose marriage with? Do you have to sort of pass it around and give it up as soon as the next couple wants to get married?

Zelda: Also, are they aware how world-alteringly important the Spiritual Stones are? This is like proposing marriage by giving away one of the two keys you need to turn simultaneously in order to launch the nukes.

>>yet he somehow had learned it the second time he saw her, seven years later.

Link: “Somehow?” She told me. In fact, she told me immediately and then reminded me seven years later.

>>He could still picture how astonished he had been

DED: “Yep, suuuuuuure was it’s ASTONISHING how astonished I was!”

>>when he had seen her as a mature woman

Rauru: Yeah, her obsession with the marriage proposal she made as a ten-year-old really IS a mark of maturity.

>>in the temple at the bottom of Lake Hylia.

Zelda: Kind of an inconvenient location, come to think of it.

DED: It does seem suboptimal for most people's ecclesiastical needs.

>>He had been awestruck with how she had changed from a somewhat annoying brat to a full-grown fish-woman,

Link: “WOW holy CRAP, TIME PASSED and she got OLDER NO WAY!!!”

>>one that was certainly not bad on the eye either.

DED: Long as you don’t, y’know, look directly at her...

>>This had destabilized him in a way,

Rauru: ...So THAT explains it...

Zelda: No, no, I have extensive experience with Link’s instability, and a mere unexpected glimpse of fish-tits isn’t enough to explain it.

>>especially considering the fact that he had been so keen on completing the labyrinthine temple full of water.

Link: Yeah, well, I was keen on it when I met her in there like five minutes in. After about three hours of that hellhole I was rather less enthusiastic.

>>Seeing her again had the same effect,

DED: Yeah, I feel less stable already.

>>with him being somewhat fascinated, but also confused by her sudden appearance here.

Rauru: But she lives here...

>>The look on her face being one of playfulness, it was apparent that she knew the effect her being there would have on him.

Zelda: So it was premeditated...jurors, take note.

>>''There you are, Link! I was worried you'd never show up here

DED: “...Almost as much as I was worried you would!

>>and make me wait for an even longer period of time than before.

Link: Well, you take it on faith, you take it to the heart, the waiting is the hardest part.

>>It's not nice to make your wife wait, you know?''

Rauru: But it IS nice to make your wife a delicious raspberry torte for Valentine's Day.

Link: Is that actual advice or just more of your food-psychosis?

Rauru: You people and your false dichotomies!

>>said the Zora woman, teasing him a bit as she approached him without any restraint or slowness in her movement,

DED: Ah, I see she's recovered from her reconstructive knee surgery.

>>as if it was a friendly and natural gesture.

Zelda: Um, it kind of is a friendly and natural gesture to approach the person with whom you’re engaged in conversation, instead of shouting to him from across a lake.

>>Link, dumbfounded by the apparition of one of the seven sages,

DED: She’s a...ghost?

Rauru: Huh. Incoming necrophilia I guess.

>>knew not how to react. ''Aren't you supposed to be protecting the temple of water?

Zelda: “Oh, darn, you’re right, I better go make sure nothing BAD befalls that damp monster-infested torturous convoluted shithole, WHATEVER WOULD WE DO IF SOMETHING WERE TO HAPPEN TO IT.”

>>Isn't that your duty for as long as you live?''

DED: “Ah-HEM?!?”

Link: Oh please oh please oh please...

>>he retorted quickly.

Rauru: “Hey it’s great to see you but aren’t you supposed to be gone forever what’s the deal with that why aren’t you gone forever?”

>>Looking at her, he soon found himself a bit abrupt in his answer, not exactly desiring to anger one of the powerful sages.

Zelda: Or even Ruto, for that matter.

>>Looking down as Link said that,

Rauru: ...Ruto noticed Link’s shoe was untied.

DED: Knock it off!

>>a certain sadness appeared on Ruto's face.

Link: That unique sadness that only the Water Temple can induce.

>>As if trying to find a way to be brave, the Zora woman looked up once again,

Zelda: An act that truly epitomizes bravery all right.

>>as if a bit hurt by the situation.

Link: Oh, as if.


Rauru: "So, bye!"

>>It is my duty and it is something I do every day.

DED: "Y'know, go to the Water Temple, make sure it's still there...clean out the bones of anyone who tried to traverse it..."

>>However, I had to take a chance and see you.

Zelda: "Yeah, I'm taking a huge risk here leaving the FUCKING WATER TEMPLE unguarded for half an hour, I just hope it's okay."

DED: "If my supervisor finds out I snuck out during my shift he'll totally bust my balls, man..."

>>I can use my powers to see what happens all around Hyrule

Rauru: Her powers of...having...eyes...?

>>and I have to confess that I watch you quite a lot.

Link: Oooooooooooooohkaaaay. I'm gonna have to ask you that.

>>What's happening to you is beyond sad, Link.''

Zelda: "I mean seriously, it's pathetic."

>>she said, trying to find part of her inner strength,

DED: Well what were you doing when you had it last?

Link: Did you leave it on the roof of your car and drive off?

>>as if there was something left unsaid that she did not want to mention.

Rauru: Look, it's not "as if" there was, there just is.

>>Link knew very much what she was talking about,

Link: "My addiction to hair gel is shameful..."

>>yet knew not how to properly respond.

Zelda: THERE'S a surprise.

>>''Well...I...'' he tried to retort,

Link: "Yeah're a butt!"

>>words being somewhat unreachable for him to emote what he felt.

Rauru: Even pointing at pictures was beyond his ability.

>>''I know what is supposed to happen to you, your lineage and your legacy, Link.

DED: "It ain't pretty."

>>You've got so much to live for, yet you've got to reach for it.

Zelda: "I mean come on!"

>>You know I love you, Link,

Link: And you know that can't be bad. She loves you, and you know you should be glad! Ooooo!

>>and it pains me to see you so lost and without any will

Rauru: "'Skinda funny, though."

>>to actually get out of this despair you are stuck in.

Zelda: "Just try harder, ya load!"

>>Let me show you what can happen when you get close to someone...''

Link: Oh, well, in an extreme close-range engagement there are a number of techniques to quickly produce incapacitating pain while minimizing the risk of counter-attack from...

>>she said, her emotion reaching a point where it transcended how she felt and what she knew.

DED: ...So she's talking COMPLETELY out of her ass at this point.

>>This was pure reaction,

Rauru: Juuuuust keep tellin' yourself that.

>>as she got even closer to the Hylian young man.

Link: ...You're already dead.

>>Link, feeling uncomfortable at this fish-woman getting very near him,

DED: Mummies, ghosts, skeletons, fire-breathing lizards...nah, no trace of fear. Ruto edging towards him? INSTANT discomfort.

>>knew not how to react.

Link: Well, the first step is to get control of the wrist, and then you use the opponent's weight and momentum to unbalance...

>>There was a part of him that actually desired a certain form of companionship,
Zelda: Not THIS form, obviously, but...

>>yet another that felt it was somewhat useless.

Rauru: And still another part of him was wondering if ducks get pimples.

Link: Inquiring minds want to know!

Zelda: And your retarded mind wants to know too!

>>A bit reticent about this,

Link: Heeeeey, are they sayin' I smell bad?

DED: Well, they aren't NOT saying that...

Link: I knew it! This author's freakin' DEAD!

>>Link was shy, out of his element and dared not participate,

Rauru: Well, no one asked him to yet...

>>despite his feelings being torn on the subject.

DED: Torn between “discomfort” and “revulsion.”

>>Ruto, seeing his resistance,


Link: ...but…

Zelda: What? That’s what I’d do...

>>looked at him and smiled.

Rauru: “Aww, you’re so adorably stupid...”

>>Her genuine feelings portrayed on that definitely human and rather appealing visage,

Link: Zelda, have I told you lately that I find your visage rather appealing and definitely human?

Zelda: Well, I try.

DED: And the award for best backhanded compliment goes to "definitely human!"

>>she had no qualm at being a bit forceful if it meant allowing Link a bit of potential happiness.

Zelda: That's always been my approach, and it's working great!

Link: Your use of force usually leads to broken bones, not my happiness.

Zelda: OHHHH, you mean potential happiness, for you. No, no, that's not part of the plan.

>>''Did you know that there is a certain ritual

DED: Do not speak of it, you fool! You will be marked for death!

Rauru: You might be a tad melodramatic there.

DED: IA! The black hand is at your throat, though you see it not! And you will regret what you have done on the day that the stars at last are right once more!

>>that involves the Zora in which the woman sings

Rauru: ...karaoke?

>>to the one she loves, causing her feelings to overwhelm the other?

Link: This seems like a very Hollywood ritual.

DED: Now you say that, but there's nothing that states the emotion has to be love. What if she's about to inflict crippling depression or boiling rage, by singing? Y'know, like a bard in Dungeons and Drag

Zelda: Just shut up now, how 'bout.

>>Let me sing for you, Link.'' she calmly said.

Link: "Ah hahaha, that's quite all r"


Link: "No really that's"

Zelda: "Awimbawepawimbawepawimbawepawimbawepa innnn the juuuungle, the miiiiiighty jungle..."

Link: "Oh god."

>>Opening her mouth, she sang in the Zora tone,

Rauru: “Someday, love will find you! Break those chains that biiiiiiiiind you!”

Link: “And then you find yourself in ‘82, the disco hotspots hold no charm for you...”

DED: “Holy diver! You’ve been down too long in the midnight sea!”

Zelda: "Sweet dreams are made of this, who am I to disagree?"


Link: Well, sounding.

>>a certain melodious, yet somewhat lightly guttural song

Zelda: ...Tom Waits?

>>that echoed in the area they were in.

Link: “Think it’s time we stop, hey, what’s that sound, everybody look what’s goin’ down...”

DED: “The bugle sounds, the charge begins! But on this battlefield no one wins! The smell of acrid smoke and horses’ breath, as I plunge on into certain death! OHHHH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH OH-OH!”

Rauru: “I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can, so I can, keep track of the visions in my eyes...”

Zelda: “She’s a maniac, MAAAAAANIAC on the floor!”

Link: "Everybody's workin' for the weekend! Everybody wants a new romance!"

Rauru: "In olden days, a glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking, now heaven knows...anything goes!"

Zelda: "...and as we wiiiind on down the rooooad! Our shadows longer than our soooouls! There walks a LAAAAdy we all knoooooow!"

DED: Yes, yes, very good.

>>Link, never having heard of this tradition before,

Zelda: Link? Ignorant? Naaaaah, couldn't be...

>>could do naught but hear the beautiful sound that Ruto was making.

Link: Zora Fountain has good outdoor acoustics I guess.

>>Her voice reaching his very core in a way that felt utterly bizarre, yet impossibly compelling,

Rauru: Like the taste of kefir...

>>it was as if his body and mind had decided to let go to make his whole enjoy it.

Zelda: ...What if his body and mind were never in control to begin with?

>>Ruto, not letting go of this experience,

DED: Seeing as how she just STARTED it...

>>placed her hand on Link's right cheek.

Rauru: I don't quite see what this adds to the whole concert experience.

>>Despite the wet and somewhat cold contact shaking Link a little,

Link: If wet and cold contact could shake me, how could I have ever beaten the Water Temple in the FIRST place?!

>>the Hylian man made no move to retract this particular movement.

Zelda: This reads like it was written by a donkey and then run back and forth through Google Translate a couple of times.

>>As if entranced by this melodious sound,

DED: I mean he's not, obviously, but it's as if he was.

Link: Yeah I'm pretty great at pretending to pay attention to things.

>>Link could not move at all.

Rauru: So, like the gaze of a Redead, Ruto has paralyzed him with fear.

Link: ...Sounds about right.

>>He could only feel,

DED: Like, wow, man.

>>which made this experience horrific and brilliant all at the same time.

Zelda: What I think Link's ideas are, and what Link thinks Link's ideas are.

Link: Well, I know you love my brilliant ideas, but I don't think they're horrific at ALL!

Zelda: You have it backwards, you imbecile.

Link: ideas are "cifirroh" and "tnaillirb"? Those aren't even WORDS!

Zelda: Forget it...

>>His adrenalin, the danger he had faced, the calmness and awe he felt at seeing Ruto,

Rauru: The chicken salad he ate for lunch, the blister on his little toe, the way a dog's ankle looks like a backwards knee...

>>the stillness of the water when he had first seen her fully grown,

DED: The barometric pressure that day, the Dow Jones Industrial Average...

>>her pretty eyes,

Zelda: Her less-pretty everything else...

>>her body.

Link: ...and the thought of leaving it in a ditch somewhere...

>>Everything about this situation clashed to produce something that mesmerized him.

DED: So it’s like a train wreck, gruesome but mesmerizing.

Rauru: Most of our stories are.

>>Being both left inside his mind

Zelda: Well, there's plenty of empty space...

>>and in the present moment, events converged to produce something magical,

DED: In the present moment, perhaps, but certainly not in this location.

>>yet overly overpowering for Link to properly process.

Link: I’m underly underwhelmed.

>>His eyes stuck fixing the same point in the horizon, Ruto knew what this song meant.

Zelda: Huh. Usually it’s Link who’s staring blankly into space when something important is being told or sung to him.

Link *staring blankly into space*: Yeah huh?


Link: Yeah sure I’ll clean it up. Later, honey, Daddy’s watching his stories.

Zelda: I hate you sometimes.

Link: I love you too!

>>Being the first time such a song had been offered to a Hylian, it was historic, yet also utterly symbolic.

DED: Those things...don’t...preclude one another...?

Rauru: I am bored, yet also hungry.

>>Lost in a trance that was created by her song and the feelings she poured into it,

Link: So it’s more than a feeling, when I hear that old song they used to play, I begin dreaming, more than a feeling?

Zelda: I have a Collins glass, but I’m pouring something other than feelings into it.

>>Link could do naught but be influenced by it.

Rauru: Link spends most of his days doing naught, so I would think he’s fine.

>>However, knowing what it would meant to finish the song to someone not prepared to hear it,


>>Ruto stopped.

Link: In the name of love, before she breaks my heart?

>>She could have finished it and make sure Link would be hers, but that was not what she wished

Zelda: Whoa whoa HOLD on, the Zora have mind-control singing powers? Oh man, when I get home I am launching all kinds of preemptive strikes against them.

Rauru: That sounds kind of rash.

Zelda: And that sounds like something a BRAINWASHED ZORA SONG-THRALL WOULD SAY!

>>for the man she loved. He had earned so much more from her and the world in general.

Link: YEAH, I’m WAITING...

>>Link, stuck in the last seconds of the song,

DED: It does sometimes take a while for things to penetrate Link’s brain.

Link: Oh wait, I get think my ideas are horrific but I think they’re brilliant! Hey!

>>began to feel the last few emotions pouring from the song

Rauru: I’m starting to think this is one of those ‘80’s power ballads.

DED: “...Just like eeeeevery roooooose has its thorn...”

>>until it suddenly stopped,

Rauru: Music budget ran out.

Zelda: “I’m not singing anymore until the check clears, you deadbeat.”

>>bringing him back to reality.

Link: “GUAH!”

>>Snapping out of it,

Rauru: Out of whatever he...was.

>>Link began to breathe heavily, as if his body began to react naturally to the state he had been lost in.

DED: Yeah, pretending to care about Ruto’s singing is a really exhausting experience.

>>Looking around, he saw that he was all but alone with Ruto,

Zelda: All alone except for the symbiotic lice that live on Ruto’s body and keep her clean of parasites and debris.

>>the whole area being empty save for them.

Link: So I literally am alone with Ruto.

>>The conflicting emotions, the sadness and the dissatisfaction

Rauru: Ooooh, so it was an emo song.

>>hitting Link like a stone would a branch,


>>the young man only reacted as he felt he should.


>>Getting closer to Ruto with his own actions and motivations powering him,

Rauru: See? There’s no mind-control. It’s just a song.

Zelda: You would say that...I’m watching you, Zora sleeper agent!

>>he held her as he began to kiss her.

Link: Held her in an arm lock while striking firmly on the back side of the knee?

DED: Dude…

Link: Dave, try and remember the basics of CQC.

>>The fact that she was a Zora, a sage and a princess mattered not in this very instant.

Zelda: It kiiiiiinda doesn't matter at all.

Rauru: I certainly don't care.

>>His lips in contact with hers, he did not mind the wetness and the strangeness,

DED: Well at least this is honest.

>>as his feelings got overboard.

Rauru: Overboard, into the water, where Ruto is, perhaps?

>>The divisive nature of his indecision

DED: Divisiveness implies, to a certain extent, that there’s two or more definite choices or factions that people are enthusiastically pursuing. So indecision wouldn’t be divisive; really, it would sort of be the opposite.

Zelda: Did you know that it hurts a lot more if you get flicked on the ear again in the exact same spot?

DED: Yes, obviously butAGHHHH!

>>being now thrown away,

Rauru: Your emotions are garbage. GARBAGE.

>>he knew that he wanted to at least share a moment with this woman who only wanted to love him.

Link: But ONLY a moment.

Zelda: Nah, she’s gonna get her hooks in ya and then you’re done.

Link: ...She has hooks?

Zelda: Hell, I dunno, she might. You know those frogs that have spurs in their hind legs so that when they’re mating their mates can’t esca


>>Ruto, a bit surprised that he actually did reciprocate a certain attraction,

Rauru: As well she should be.

>>felt blissful for this very moment,

DED: For an infinitely short amount of time, then it was back to horrible awkwardness.

>>returning the kiss willingly and tenderly.

Zelda: And tepidly and inexpertly.

>>His warmth and her colder temperature clashed together,

Link: Is there ANYTHING good about this?!

>>creating an embrace that was filled with desire,

Rauru: Moist, squishy desire.

>>but also with a good tint of love.

Link: So they took this scene and just Photoshopped some love in.

DED: Yeah they just paint-bucketed in some love and reduced the opacity.

>>The kiss being over after a few seconds,

Rauru: ...was but a small comfort.

>>both began to look in each other's eyes. It was not enough.

Zelda: "This staring contest is not enough!"

>>There was something that they both desired,

Rauru: ...Lunch.

>>yet knew not how to ask to the other.

Zelda: In Link's case, I buy it.

Link: Hey, I'm perfectly good at requestificating my desireations.

>>However, Link, being the brave one,

DED: Banging Ruto? Yeah no kidding, he deserves a medal.

>>acted instinctively.

Rauru: Immediately he began urinating on the shrine to mark his territory.

>>Getting down on the floor

Link: ...gettin' funk-ay!

DED: Work it OUT on the floor, work it OUT on the floor!

>>of the altar with Ruto, Link felt happy that the princess made no resistance whatsoever,


>>cooperating as if she knew exactly what they both wanted.

Zelda: Nothing is ever true in this story! It’s as if it were true, but it’s NOT!

>>Looking at each other with a blush and a certain shyness, Link dropped his pants,

Rauru: Knowing Link, it could have easily been a mistake.

Zelda: Yeah, like, he probably dropped his pants, by mistake, into the lake, where they then sank to the bottom.

Link: Ahhhhhhh HA!

Zelda: ...What?

Link: I don’t WEAR pants!

>>while Ruto made it so her more private anatomy could stand revealed to the man she loved.

DED: Thank you, THANK you, for not explaining how that works.

>>Getting on her back, Ruto moved her arm toward Link, holding him as he prepared to make this moment even more magical and important to the both of them.

Link: By playing some mystical Peruvian pan-flute music.

Zelda: God, I am SO SICK of that…

Link: But how is it that different from the ocarina I had to play all the time?

Zelda: The ocarina can let you teleport and travel through time. Your fucking pan flute is just noodley annoying crap.

Link: Awww...

>>Inserting himself inside her, both groaned a bit,

Rauru: Instantly, it goes horribly wrong.

>>unused about this sort of situation and sensation.

DED: Um...good, I guess.

>>His warm skin and her cold interior made for an awkward contact,

Zelda: Yes, of COURSE, we could have told you that!

>>yet one that felt right for the both of them.

Rauru: Not the sexual encounter that they need, but the sexual encounter that they deserve.

>>Her inside warming up for him,

Link: God, she should be through with warm-ups already, it’s time for the REAL THING!

>>Link went on instinctively,

Rauru: Inflating his throat pouches to attract and dazzle her.

>>trying his very best to please this woman who cared so much for him.

DED: Look, do or do not, there is no try.

>>Seeing that on land she was perhaps a bit out of her element,

Link: What is her element? Is it fire?

Zelda: No.

Link: Earth? Wind? ...Heart?

>>it was up to him to provide for a memorable experience.

Rauru: “Memorable,” not necessarily “good.”

Zelda: Oh, I have a feeling she won’t be able to forget about this no matter how hard she tries.

>>Trying as best as he could,

DED: ...was nowhere NEAR good enough.

>>he could hear her moan in satisfaction,

Link: Or at least I can ASSUME it’s satisfaction, and keep on merrily humping away.

>>which prompted him to accelerate and touch her all over.

Zelda: All over, at once? How? Did he turn into a cloud of mist or something?

>>Like an hungry being that had not eaten for months,

Rauru: Yyyyyyyyyyyo!

DED: You aren’t “an hungry being that had not eaten for months.” You’ve eaten like four things in the last two minutes.

Rauru (squirting cheez-whiz straight into his mouth): Yeth, buh U’m like one.

>>all those new sensations stimulated both him and her in ways that he wished to experience.

Zelda: The sensations he was experiencing...stimulated ways...he experience. Right.

>>However, despite his strength, stamina and bravery,

Link: Don’t forget my devastating intelligence!

Zelda: “Devastating” is right.

>>he was still an inexperienced young man.

DED: “Link, honey, your dick is just wiggling against my leg. You didn’t even put it in my...oh, never mind.”

>>Getting close to release as he only wanted to make this more about her than just him,

Link: ...the FUCK?

DED: I know, the wording on this sentence is absolutely atrocious.

Link: No, I mean trying to make it more about her than me. What the shit is THAT about?! This is all supposed to be helping me with my aimless depression!

DED: But the wording is still abysmally ungrammatical...

Link: No, no, the wording makes PERFECT sense. I for be unknowing to what with you at me about are talking.

DED: Never mind.

>>Link did his very best to hold it in for as long as possible.

Rauru: “Mustn’!”

>>Ruto, as lost as him in this experience,

Zelda: Wow, so Ruto is sexually inexperienced, WHAT ARE THE ODDS.

Link: I know, I’m shocked.

>>recognized the strain he had as she looked at him in the eye.

DED: Looked AT him in the eye.

Rauru: Wouldn’t that be...looking at his eye?

>>''It's okay Link. You can let it go.''

Zelda: “Lord knows I’m not getting anything out of this...”

>>she said gently, not minding about this at all.

DED: Until she gives birth to an abominable half-breed mutant, then she might start minding.

>>Feeling a bit guilty despite receiving her approval,

Link: Thanks, aggro-feminists.

Zelda: I know, those feminists, right? They’re more obsessed with rape than the Japanese.

DED: Ouch.

Zelda: It’s cool, I’m Japanese myself.

>>Link reached his climax as he felt the best sensation of his life.

Rauru: Just think of how great it’ll be when he finally gets to bone a member of his OWN species.

>>Arching his back, he began to pant a little,

DED: Every time an author mentions panting we make some kind of joke about the article of clothing and it being a homonym and all that. But you know what? This time will be different.

>>his energy currently spent

Link: Truly, THISand not any of the expeditions, contests, dungeons, or boss fightswas the most exhausting thing I ever did.

>>as he felt saddened by the fact that Ruto could not reach the very same height he had attained.

Zelda: Well clearly, I mean just look at her.

>>However, much to his surprise, Ruto smiled mischievously before him

Link: “Wait, you ENJOYED that? Damn.”

>>as she kept on holding him. Unsure about what she was thinking about, Ruto rose up,

Rauru: Ruto was unsure what she herself was thinking about?

Link: I’ve been there.

>>somehow using a force that was greater than Link thought possible,

Zelda: I knew it! Having seduced but failed to mind-control the most powerful champion of Hyrule, now she's gonna snap his spine with her powerful thighs and then the invasion will begin.

DED: You sound awfully paranoid.

Zelda: Ooooooh really. Well when you wake up one morning and everything is underwater and slimy and we're all incubating our eggs in an envelope of mucus, don't say I didn't warn you!

>>as she threw him and herself in the very fountain.

Rauru: The EXTREMELY fountain.

Link: It’s so goddamn fountain in here.

>>Landing in the water, Link began to panic a little,

Zelda: Oh sure, NOW you catch on to her devious plans.

>>the surprise making him uncertain about everything.

DED: ...everything?


>>Certainty soon reached him, however,

Rauru: “I’m certainly going to die now!”

>>as he felt the coolness of the water without any pain or constrictive element when underwater.

Zelda: See? Already he’s TURNING INTO A ZORA!!!

Rauru: Bitch, yo cray-cray.

DED: That would be very Innsmouth, I like it.

>>Reminded very quickly that he had the Zora tunic on, he had no difficulty breathing underwater.

Link: Hax.

>>Looking around, he saw that Ruto was now even closer to him,

DED: His penis was inside her and she wrapped her legs around him and dragged him into the water, and now she’s somehow even closer than that?

Zelda: Is she clipping through his body?

>>her smile being very playful and a tad seductive this time.

Link: THAT her game...

Zelda: Not sure if you aren’t just that dumb.

Link: ...Some kind of shrill blonde harpy now...making high-pitched noises that bear no meaning...looking at some kind of large luminous rectangle covered in letters...

>>His pants still left on the altar,

DED: Link’s standards of tidiness accurately represented.

>>his member was nude,

Rauru: I thought “nude” was something only a whole person could be. Like, my hands are “nude” right now because I’m not wearing gloves, and is that supposed to appall everyone?

DED: It kind of does, though, because they’re crusted with what looks like cinnamon bun glaze, grease, and...bits of oregano?

Rauru (licking fingers): Nah, *slrrp* ith bathil.

>>standing before her as the sudden reaction of Ruto

Zelda: Instant boner? That’s really your sudden reaction to Ruto?

Link: Look, I was an impressionable boy and she was a gigantic slut and vaguely a woman. Don’t blame me!

>>and the pleasure he had had

DED: The perennial awkwardness of English.

Link: I had had quite a problem with it.

Rauru: But now you're impeccable, right?

Link: Of course! If something tried to peck me, I'd stab it right in the face!

>>made him very quick to return to full excitation.

Zelda: Damn it, he's all wound up again. Quiet down! It's time for your afternoon nap!


>>Being much more nimble and fast underwater, Ruto could now do as she pleased

DED: I do still think Zelda is being a delusional paranoid drunk, but the wording is rather ominous at times.

Zelda (swigging from hip flask): YOU'LL see…*gulp*'ll ALL see!

>>as she began to ride him, her movements now being completely unrestrained.

DED: No, look, I don't care how aquatically focused she is, AIR IS LESS DENSE THAN WATER. She might be happy to be spawning in her ancestral spawning grounds or whatever, but she is in no way less "restrained."

>>The pleasure proved to be unbearable for Link,

Link: Why can't sex every be nice for me?!

>>who began to feel ecstatic about many a great things.

DED: Many things? How many things other than her vagina are contributing here?

Rauru: Well hey, maybe Ruto's radical vagina-based antidepressant system really works.

>>With this untold sensation being growing inside him,

Zelda: But you DID tell us about it.

>>the bliss he was living made him realize a great many things,

Link: I get ALL my great ideas in conjugal bliss!

>>with the hero of time lost in a figurative and literal pool of pleasure.

DED: Nghh...rrrg...they’re having pleasure in a's a literal pool that is metaphorically of pleasure, it’s the exact opposite of literal...

Rauru: No, no, no, the Zora Fountain is a literal pool of water and muck and slime and giant-whale-poop.

>>Ruto's moans being silenced underwater,

Zelda: Thank GOD.

>>a good amount of bubbles rose from their movements and their mouth,

Link: Does the Zora Tunic, like, put air in my lungs? Does it make it so my lungs can fill up with water but it’s not a big deal? Do I even have to breathe?

DED: Why are you asking us? You’re the one who wears it.

Link: Just because I do stuff doesn’t mean I understand it; you ALL should know that by now.

Zelda: I think the better question is, why are bubbles coming out of Ruto’s mouth?

>>symbolizing their reactions and their mutual pleasure.

DED: Oh yeah, symbolism definitely works best if you blatantly state what the symbols are and what they symbolize.

Rauru: Be sure to use the word “symbolizing,” just so there’s no confusion.

>>Their position changing due to their repetitive movements,

Link: Movement changes position. Huh! Who knew?

>>both hit the very bottom of the fountain,

DED: Where they found a Heart Piece!

Zelda: Wait, does the Zora Tunic prevent you from being crushed by the pressure? Does it stop you from getting the bends? I have so many questions.

>>the sand rising due to the low impact.

Rauru: Sex isn't exactly "low-impact."

>>Sensing the very wet and somewhat slimy skin of Ruto under his finger,

DED: Careful, don't damage her protective coating of slime.

>>Link wanted to do a great many things to this beautiful Zora.

Link: Oh, the things I'd do...

>>His preconceptions and his fears removed from what he now felt,

DED: So clearly, Ruto has poisoned him with some kind of powerful psychoactive compound that has removed all his inhibitions and made him suicidally overconfident. Meth, maybe.

>>he was alive

Zelda: Somehow...

>>and wanted more.

Rauru: He spends most of his time alive and wanting more, as a matter of fact.

>>His fingers moving blindly amidst the bubbles, he soon came in contact with one of Ruto's arm.

DED: Her one and ONLY arm, apparently.

>>Using it to pull himself closer, he could finally see once more the face of the woman who made him feel this way.

Link: This dark cold sandy underwater pit is the PERFECT place for makeouts.

>>A bit twisted due to the pleasure,

Zelda: And in general.

>>Link still found her beautiful as he kissed her once more,

Link: Allow me to clarify: I don’t really think her body or her face or anything is beautiful per se, but the fact that she’s willing to get bizzay with me no strings attached is beautiful.

>>getting her the climax he wanted to give her as he felt her spasm multiple times.

Rauru: Let no one say that Ruto isn’t a spaz.

>>With him getting a second release a few seconds after,

Link: My controversial second album, “Hero of Rhyme 2: $wagward $word.”

>>Link removed his member from inside of her as he carried her back to the surface.

DED: He, the guy who literally cannot swim underwater, carried HER, the one who LIVES IN THE WATER.

>>Getting back on the altar,

Zelda: What altar? Why are they compelled to get up on it for no clear reason? Is this a marriage metaphor? Are they going to be sacrificed to the dark gods?


>>both Ruto and Link felt exhausted,

Rauru: Drained, miserable, spiritually impoverished...

>>panting heavily yet with a certain sensation that made them feel great, as if now complete.

DED: Again, meth. It’ll wear off soon, though.

>>Stuck in silence for a few seconds,

Zelda: I wish.

Link: ...but I didn’t HAVE a dachshund, I had a corgi. Now I know the recipe called for a dachshund but...

>>Link felt incredibly lucky,

DED: She’s up all night ‘til the sun! He’s up all night to get some! She’s up all night for good fun!

>>his attitude changing as if he had learned something incredible

Rauru: I mean obviously he didn’t, but it sort of provided the illusion.

>>after this exhausting yet sublime moment with the Zora princess.

Link: How is it supposed to be a good thing to say something is “less than a lime?” I don’t get it.

>>Looking at her,

Zelda: There’s a mistake.

>>Link was unfortunately met with a visage that

DED: ...belonged to Ruto.

>>held a certain sadness despite the amazing moment they had shared.

Link: Man, usually it takes at LEAST an hour or two for girls to start regret sleeping with me.

>>About to ask what was wrong,

Rauru: “Yo what is WRONG with you?!”

>>Ruto silenced him with a hand on his cheek,

Zelda: ...smacking him briskly.

>>as if she knew exactly what he was going to say.

DED: “As if”s in this story: 13 and counting.

>>''Don't Link.

Zelda: “Please, shut up.”

>>I know how it you feel and it was beyond words for me too,

Rauau: “I think the closest approximation would be ‘clusterfucktastrophe.’”

>>yet this was but a gift from me to you

Link: Um...did you keep the receipt? Not that I’m going to return it, but, like...

>>and from you to me as well and nothing more.


Link: Well come on, as fuck-buddies go, I’m kind of the cream of the crop.

Zelda: Sure.

Link: And the crop is my dick.

Zelda: Uh huh.

Link: And the cream is my semen.

Zelda: Yeah I got that.

>>I always wanted to marry you,

Rauru: I always wanted to marinade some steak.

DED: And you did.

Rauru (eating a dripping steak): *nom grom* An ish delishish!

>>but it has become apparent that it is simply impossible for me in this lifetime.''

Link: So you’d have to be dead to marry me, eh? THAT can be arranged.

>>she said, trying to be strong despite the severity of the subject.

Zelda: Does she even lift?

>>Link, staying silent,


>>tried to think of something to say,


Link: Hey, come on, there’s plenty of times when I’m NOT rambling on about some insane anecdote.

DED: Yes but you’ve been known to launch INTO an insane anecdote while other people are in mid-sent

Link: and the corgi smoothie was FANTASTIC! I don’t know why I was worried. So I called the patent office again (they know me pretty well there by now) and they said the restraining order applies to phone calls as well, which is TOTAL b.s. and they know it...

>>something that would make her realize that he had been wrong to make her wait so long.

Rauru: Hmm...maybe something along the lines oooooooooooooof...“I was wrong to make you wait so long.”

Zelda: I think that might do it.

>>He did not care now that she was a Zora or a sage.

Link: Did I ever?

>>He knew her feelings were sincere and that he had realized his own, yet it seemed that something was problematic now.

Zelda: Yes, they’re different species.

Link: Don’t be so uptight.

>>''As a sage, I cannot leave the temple I am to safeguard.

Rauru: WAS that in the job description? Gee, I’ve been kind of fucking that one up.

Zelda: ‘Sokay, Ruto’s just bringing this up as a technicality to get out of having to actually spend all her time around Link. It’s just the standard boilerplate, no one ACTUALLY cares.

Rauru (stuffing Doritos into his face): Thang goodneff.

>>I cheated this rule once,

DED: Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start, Select.

Zelda: Or maybe she wrong-warped here.

DED: No, shut up, you aren't supposed to know about the reality-twisting glitches that riddle your existence.

Zelda: Oh I'm sorry, I carry the Triforce of WHAT now?

>>but I do not dare do so once more

Link: “Yyyyyokay, goodbye forever!”

>>and I sincerely don't think it's a good idea for you to live in a lonesome and dangerous place away from civilization.

Rauru: This is the first sensible thing that’s ever come out of her God-damned mouth.

>>It would be a sorry reward for a hero who risked so much.

Link: Well so are YOU, but you don’t see me pointing it out.

>>I have a duty and you have a certain destiny that forbid that we actually be together, Link.'' she claimed,

Zelda: CLAIMED, not “proved.”

Link: The big brush-off...

>>hurt by this sad fact as if she was learning it at the very same moment as he did.

DED: Okay, okay, this is the one and only instance where something is “as if” it was something else, and not just, “it is that, but I want to say it in a more fruity manner.”

>>''I wanted to show you that you can have an actual purpose and some good moments, Link.

Rauru: “Your purpose: banging me when I get bored hanging out in the Water Temple. The good moments: well THAT should be obvious.”

>>Here's your new quest:


>>go and live.

DED: Well THAT’S easy.

Link: Easiest quest I ever quested for!

>>Form a family, fall in love and just be happy.

Zelda: So, DON’T form a family.

DED: It’s going to be hard for you to remain resolutely anti-children given that, y’know, the future of the kingdom rests on your vagina.

Zelda: ...I will fucking slap you. Also, whatever, I’ll pay someone else to do it, just like I solve all my problems.

>>Do it for you and me, Link.

Rauru: Go have sex with someone else...for me.

>>You need to occupy yourself and to just let the notion of hero of time and battle against evil be thrown to the side

Link: Waaaaaay ahead of you.

>>and just live. For both our sake as well as for Hyrule, stop being a hero

DED: “Hyrule can’t take much more of your ‘heroics.’”

>>and be just a man, Link.''

Zelda: “I mean for CRYING OUT LOUD!”

>>added Ruto, her strength fading from her face.

Rauru: And then she died. The End.

>>Link, about to retort and comfort Ruto,

Link: “NUH UH SHUT UP! Love yoooou~…”

>>could do nothing as the sage of water teleported away.


DED: Seriously, calm down.

Zelda: She could be ANYWHERE!

>>Now out of his sight, a certain sadness and anger made its way inside of Link.

Link: “My GOD, how could I have stooped so low?!”

>>Finally happy for once, something he wanted was now out of his reach,

Rauru: ...Why is he happy that something he wanted is out of his reach?

>>leaving the bliss he had felt a happy memory, yet nothing more than that.

DED: Well at least there aren’t any lingering side effects.

Zelda: ...yet.

>>Staying at the fountain for about an hour,

DED: What, is he waiting for his dry-cleaning?

>>Link was lost in his thoughts.

Rauru: A common predicament for him.

Zelda: I think one day Link got lost in his thoughts and never found his way home again.

>>Ruminating on the last thing she had said to him,

Link: “She said ‘be a man, Link.’ But what’s a manlink?”

>>Link tried to be strong.

DED: “Y’know, this could be the start of a beautiful alternate-day bulk-up routine.”

>>He had desires,

Link: Do I ever!

>>yet he also knew that there were some truths to what Ruto had said to him.

Rauru: Like when she said “I have a duty and you have a certain destiny that forbid that we actually be together,” that was TOTALLY true.

>>It would be rough and there would be some challenges,

Link: I wonder if those challenges will be as bad as, say, the Shadow Temple.

DED: Dude, she said “start a family.” Facing down a baby that makes eight poopy diapers a day? That’s GOT to be at least as scary as the Shadow Temple.

>>yet Link had to try and truly live, for both his and her sake.

Zelda: But probably more for his sake, if we’re honest.

>>Getting up,

Link: Like a sex machine!

>>he would only need to find a different type of courage to move forward and find happiness.

Rauru: The courage to lay around in his underwear all day eating snacks and watching dumb Vines.

Link: …

Rauru: It’s what I’d do!

>>It would be hard without her,

DED: “It” was also hard when she WAS around.

Link: I blame the song.

>>yet it would be dishonorable for him not to try his very best



>>to complete the quest she had given him.

Link: How much XP? Is this even worth my time?

>>Getting out of the fountain, Link had quite alot of things to do now,

Rauru: All kinds of police reports to file...

Link: Yeah, this whole mind-control song business, isn’t this basically statutory rape?

>>with all the time in the world to complete him.

Zelda: Well he can time-travel.

>>Finally realizing that he was free,

Link: ...From Ruto, at least.

DED: And all it took to make him realize his freedom was fifteen minutes of soggy fish vagina.

Rauru: An excellent band name, by the way.

>>he could do anything,


Zelda: No, please, no, there are a wide range of things you shouldn’t do.


>>which suited him just fine

DED: Omnipotence suits me just fine!

>>as a melancholic smile appeared on his face.

Link: ...did I grow a second mouth?

>>Unbeknownst to him,

Rauru: ...But beknownst to us...

>>though, was the fact that he was being observed.

Zelda: Of course. The perfidious Zora and their reconnaissance drones never sleep.

>>Ruto, in her temple, looked in a small pool, using her magic to produce a clairvoyance effect

DED: If I turned off that clairvoyance effect, would she die?

Zelda: It would be extremely painful…

DED: She’s a big girl

>>for her.

Zelda: …

DED: …

Zelda: ...Let us never speak of this again.

DED: Agreed.

>>Sad, yet also pleased that she had succeeded in making him move onward with his life,

Link: But I don’t WANNA grow up!

Rauru: I wonder if being a 10-year-old suddenly placed in an adult body sort of...explains Link.

DED: That was your idea, though, wasn’t it?

Rauru: Hey, HE pulled out the sword. I just put bigger clothes on him and pierced his ears.

Zelda: The less we think about that, the better.

>>she knew that his very lineage would be utterly important

DED: Why is it “his very lineage?” It’s not like we need dramatic emphasis, like, “He was murdered twenty years ago today in THIS VERY ROOM,” and so on.

Link: It’s because everything about me is XTREME 2 THA MAXX!!!

>>for the sake of the world and it was important that he procreated.

Rauru: I wonder why Ruto is the one who knows this and none of the other Sages knew or thought to tell him.

>>Knowing very well that a Hylian and a Zora could not have children together,

Zelda: They could adopt...They could adopt a Goron! It’d be like a sitcom with a rainbow of token ethnic characters!

DED: “Man-Child, Fish-Tits and Rock-Baby.” Fund it.

>>him being with her would actually make the demise of everything a certainty.

Link: Really? Everything?

DED: I mean it’d be fucking weird as shit, but seriously, the demise of everything?

Rauru: I guess traditional-marriage laws in Hyrule are really severe. Like, nuclear-option severe.

>>Sad, yet determined,

Zelda: I’ve noticed this encounter has left both of them sad, which is...probably right on the money, really.

>>Ruto could at least comfort herself with the thought that they had loved each other with a passion once

Link: I’m sure that thought will be all the comfort she needs as she spends the rest of her life rotting away in the dank lightless subterranean labyrinth that is the Water Temple.

>>and that things could have been possible.

Rauru: couldn’t.

Zelda: Well, “things” are always possible, until the heat death of the universe occurs.

>>It was a romance that could have been, yet shouldn't,

Link: And wasn’t, thank God.

DED: No matter how bizarre or awful the pairing is, the authors of these stories usually don't admit that the romance "shouldn't be."

>>making it all the more tragic for all involved.

Rauru: Yes, that’s what I look for in my fap-fiction: Tragedy. And interspecies underwater sex. And lavishly described banquets.

DED: Well, two out of three ain't bad.

Link: This story has really made me grateful I ended up with you instead of Ruto, Zelda.

Zelda: Aww, thanks. I mean it’s hardly an achievement, but...

Link: Your house is way nicer than hers, that’s for sure.

Zelda: Than the Water Temple? least before you moved in. Now, out of my way, I have to scramble some fighter-bombers and obliterate Ruto once and for all.

DED: Seriously, you’re over-reacting.

Zelda: Why do you hate freedom so much?

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