In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space
We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:
Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “Selfless and selfie-less!"
Rauru! “Allez cuisine!"
Zelda! "One bourbon, one scotch, one beer!”
Link! “Eager for action, hot for the game!"
If you don’t get how he stays alive
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!
>>“Link… Link…. can you hear me?”
Zelda: “Can you feel me near you?”
>>Link was partially roused from his slumber, aware that someone was communicating with him telepathically.
DED: This better not be those damn telemarketers…
Rauru: Oh ho, I see what you did there.
>>He half-opened his eyes.
Link: Not sure if (blank), or just (blank).
>>Seeing his hind legs and tail curled up near his face reaffirmed that he was still stuck in the form of a wolf.
DED: ...That’d do it all right.
Rauru: Sort of hard to overlook, that.
>>He glanced around hazily,
Zelda: He glanced around as though he were a mass of diffuse particulate matter, eh?
>>finding that their forest camp site was undisturbed.
Link: The dire wrath of Smokey the Bear has been averted...FOR NOW.
>>Midna, the impish creature who was strong-arming him into doing her bidding,
DED: ...Huh. Usually these stories are a lot more unduly forgiving towards Midna.
Link: I for one welcome the change.
>>was sound asleep on the other side of the simmering camp fire.
Rauru: Ooo ooo ooo, what are they simmering?!
DED: Calm down, fatty.
Rauru: Is it some kind of bouillabaisse? I GOTTA KNOW!
>>“It is I, Zelda.”
Zelda: “Word to your mother.”
>>Came the voice again.
DED: Wow, money shot already?
Zelda: *smacks him upside the head*
>>“I need to see you right away.
Link: Get in line, sister.
>>I know the castle is far from you but I can use my magic to teleport you here.”
DED: Uhh...wouldn’t that capability sort of obviate, like, the whole first act of Twilight Princess?
Zelda: I can’t teleport someone I’ve never met!
Rauru: Well wouldn’t that capability obviate a bunch of other stuff throughout the rest of the game, too?
>>Link was amenable to the idea but he wasn’t sure if his slave master would permit it.
Link: FINALLY, someone who GETS it! Midna should be tried for friggin’ war crimes.
>>“Don’t worry about Midna.
DED: I try not to...but always, in the back of my mind...
>>My magic will make sure that she stays asleep until you get back.
Zelda: Well, THAT’S just about the skeeziest spell in my spellbook...
DED: Datebra-carapebra, rohypnol-kazam!
>>She’ll never know that you’ve been gone.”
Link: Unless she gets torn apart by monsters while rendered magically comatose.
Zelda: So? My statement still stands.
>>Link was impressed that Zelda had seemingly thought of everything.
DED: Indeed, this is impressively contrived!
Rauru: Gosh, if only she’d studied some Zant-defeating magic instead of focusing on wolf-translocation.
>>It was just a shame that Midna couldn’t be kept under permanently.
Link: This is the BEST STORY EVER. I want to shake this author’s hand.
>>A strange white light began to swell up in Link’s vision, quickly engulfing everything around him.
DED: *descends in a spaceship* "LINK?"
DED: "LINK, THE BLUE-EYED BEAST OF LEGEND?"
DED: "YOU'RE A JERK, LINK. A TOTAL CLOD." *leaves*
>>Even closing his eyes didn’t shield him from it.
Zelda: Yeah, I'm always careful to make my teleportation as unpleasant and disorienting as possible.
>>In a matter of moments it had dissolved away and he found himself back in the Princess’ bedroom
Link: Note, please, that she didn't bother waiting for any sign of consent on my part.
Zelda: Why would I ever need that?
>>in the haunted Hyrule Castle.
Rauru: Welcome to the Twi-Fright Princess's Scarefully Terror-fyig Haunted Castle Spooktacular!
>>He got to his feet,
Zelda: Why'd he leave his feet lying around in my bedroom? Slob.
>>looking up to find the cloaked Princess
DED: That's the noise a cloaking device makes.
DED: It IS! It's universally acknowledged that the sound of a cloaking device being activated is *wowm*.
Link: Nuh-uh, *wowm* is the teleporting sound. Cloaking is *dzoooooouum*.
>>standing in front of the window, almost exactly where he last saw her.
Zelda: “I know it looks like I haven’t moved from this spot in months, but I totally did. I just happen to be in the same spot now. While you were gone I went out and did all kinds of very interesting things.”
Zelda: “I DID!”
>>“I’m so glad you could come.”
DED: I BET.
>>She said, kneeling to be closer to his height.
Link: WHAT, so because I’m short, I’m less of a man? I’ll fucking FIGHT you.
Rauru: No, because you’re a wolf, you’re less of a man.
Link: Alright, THAT'S it: You, me, outside. Now.
Zelda: What for, walkies? Doggie go walkies?
>>A slender gloved hand reached out from under her robe,
Zelda: ...Master Hand?
DED: Or Crazy Hand. Either way, she’s summoned him for a boss fight.
Link: Oh, thanks a lot, DICK.
>>stroking his head.
DED: I know what you’re thinking. Patience. All in due time.
>>It was odd that someone was petting him, especially the prim and proper Princess,
Zelda: That’s not odd at all, royals love their lapdogs!
Zelda: Link, quick! The kingdom is in danger from some manner of megalomaniacal villain, go collect a bunch of magical artifacts!
Link: I’M ON IT! ...Oh. Okay, point taken.
>>given his true form as a human.
DED: I dunno, I think the dopey slobbering hairy own-testicle-licking form is truer to Link’s character.
Link: So you’re sayin’ I’m actually a were-human?
DED: Well, no, because “were-” comes from the Old English “wer” meaning “man,” hence “man-wolf,” so...
Link: Oh shut up, you stole that from a Zero Punctuation review.
DED: Well it FITS!
>>Still, the sensation of her warm covered hand across his thick fur was pleasing.
Zelda: I’ve been practicing shiatsu, you see.
Rauru: Well, given the catastrophic failure of Link’s electric back-rubber…
Link: Hey! Be fair, that was one of the least catastrophic of my failures.
>>“I’ve been held captive here for so long now.
DED: Come on, I thought Zant shows up at the beginning of the game. It’s been like two weeks at most.
>>You don’t know how lonely it can be.”
Zelda: Heavy is the head that wears the crown.
Rauru: And those dangly hair-strand-cap-things that you were sporting in your TwiPri configuration. What was the deal with those?
Zelda: Bludgeoning weapons.
>>Link noticed that her beautiful face, hovering mere inches from the end of his snout,
DED: That’s not hovering. That’s just a face attached to a person’s body being positioned there with muscles.
Link: There's no hovering face here; this is not The Wizard of Oz, Power Rangers, Zardoz, or Silent Hill 4. Stop getting my hopes up, story.
>>was now slightly flushed.
Rauru: No you fool, you’ll clog the toilet if you only slightly flush!
>>She broke their eye line but continued to talk
Zelda: “So anyway I...hmm, weird stain over there...gotta go get the steam-cleaner out of the garage..sorry, what were we talking about?”
Link: Now everybody, have you heard, if you’re in the game, then the stroke’s the word!
Zelda: Well, you have spread your ear pollution both far and wide…
>>“I’ve been longing for some… male company…
DED: “And I’ve misplaced my scroll of Conjure Greater Dildo...”
Zelda: Meh, Conjure Greater Dildo is worse value-for-mana than Phantasmal Gigolo anyway.
>>any male company...
Rauru: “I mean any male company...like seriously my standards have really hit rock-bottom here, like really, shamefully desperate for any, just any—”
Link: All right, all right.
>>for a while. With a great deal of the kingdom covered in shadow
DED: Doesn’t that happen fairly predictably every twelve hours or so?
>>and myself incarcerated here, I have no one else to turn to.”
Zelda: Even if I wasn't under house arrest, being royalty sort of limits your capacity for frivolous sex.
Link: But why? I still don't get it.
Zelda: Listen, I tried to explain this last time: ALL of feudal politics basically revolves around vaginas and who has access to them.
DED: Yeah, I mean...I wouldn't put it that way in a doctoral thesis, but basically...
>>She rose to her feet and began to circle around him,
Link: Circlestrafing, my only weakness!
>>smoothly drag her digits across his right flank.
Rauru: I would think she'd be more interested in his tenderloin, if you catch my drift.
DED: Which is...?
Rauru: Tenderloin is a more succulent cut than flank steak.
DED: Thaaaaaaat's what I figured.
>>She knelt down by his hind leg, her hand settling at stroking his lower back.
Link: Good, because Midna is giving me chronic backache.
>>At this point Link knew something out of the ordinary was going on.
Zelda: Don’t worry, we're all preeeeetty well inured at this point.
>>“I know that this might seem… inappropriate,
Link: Ah ha ha ha, I’ve had worse.
>>but I need you to do this with me.”
Rauru: "I need you to tell me if this dress makes my butt look big."
Zelda: “Also, could you do up the back? ...Oh, right, no opposable thumbs...”
>>Her other hand had reached under him,
DED: ...Chuck that sumbitch out the window!
Link: Nooo! Don't defenestrate me bro!
>>making one smooth stroking motion back from his chest and over his stomach.
Rauru: Look, why don’t you just get a normal dog? This one has important things to do.
>>“It’ll feel really good, I promise.”
Zelda: “I swear I won’t lure you into the car with the promise of a trip to the park and then take you to the vet instead!”
>>He flinched slightly as her warm gloved hand brushed over his nether region,
>>her intentions now crystal clear.
DED: Yep, clear as AstroGlide.
>>He was extra surprised to find himself unsheathed
Link: But my sword got melded into my body when I transfor—
>>and partially erect
>>as the princess touched him there.
This added to his current anxiety.
Zelda: Anxiety? Really?
Link: My penis is very important. Don’t make any sudden moves.
>>This situation was already strange enough,
Rauru: Meh. Call me back when a Gerudo goddess shows up and reveals her hermaphroditic penis and then inflicts a hermaphroditic penis on Zelda, who has gay-married Nabooru for political reasons.
DED: Or when Tetra gets stung in the anus by an insect and Link has to smear ointment into it until she orgasms and they fall in love. Or when…
Zelda: Let’s stop our trip down Memory Lane, like, right now.
>>what with the princess of Hyrule clearly trying to get amorous with him;
Link: What’s strange about that? The only reason I’m not being constantly seduced by every woman in the world is because most of ‘em don’t know how to teleport me.
>>a man stuck in the body of a wolf.
Rauru: Soooooo...a man who’s been eaten by a wolf?
DED: Or maybe a man who’s gutted a wolf and climbed inside of it for warmth, but then has gotten stuck?
>>But now he had to figure out how his new body expected him to react to this.
Link: Well, business as usual, I'd presume.
Rauru: But why does his body...expect anything from him...reacting to...what?
>>His concerns started to fade
Zelda: Yeeaaaah, he’s not exactly known for harboring excessive amounts of concern.
Link: ...and I said to myself, “How hard can it be?” So I strapped on my rollerskates and my homemade jetpack and approached the ramp, full of confidence...
>>as the princess wrapped her fingers around his exposed red-skinned member
Rauru: Come on, I know you want to be politically correct, but you don’t have to feature a token Native American on your body.
>>and was began to firmly but slowly caress up and down its length.
DED: How can you caress only ONE of its three dimensions?
>>Link’s eyes rolled upward,
Zelda: That’s amazing, I too am rolling my eyes upward!
Rauru: Incredible, so am I! And I will continue to do so throughout the story!
>>his head tilting back from the wonderful sensation of it.
DED: No no no, his head tilts back from MUSCLES CONTRACTING! We’ve been over this already!
>>His manhood, or wolfhood,
Link: Or schlong-diddly-ong, or gentleman sausage, or one-eyed custard-chucker.
>>had quickly grown significantly larger now dwarfing Zelda’s dainty grasp.
DED: What? There aren’t any dwarves in the Legend of Zelda series.
Rauru: I believe the in-universe term would be...Kokiring.
>>He resisted a flinch from a pleasure spike
Link: Wouldn’t it be nicer if the pleasure was just sort of a steady build-up, instead of a wildly oscillating spiky roller coaster?
Zelda: Link, that’s what it’s like living with you every day.
Link: Every day with me is a steady build-up of pleasure?
Zelda: ...Yes, that’s the one I meant.
>>as her second hand touched his furry balls
DED: While her minute hand works the shaft and her hour hand gently fondles the taint.
>>which were also now significantly harder than they were a few seconds ago.
Rauru: It’s also significantly harder for me to CARE than it was a few seconds ago.
>>She clutched them both with just the right amount of firmness,
Link: With the same hand? I find that hard to believe.
>>teasing them by dragging her palm and fingers under them over and over.
Zelda: ...and over and over and OVER and OVER!!!
>>Link had started to half growl, half groan
DED: This story is making me half-sigh, half-scoff.
>>as he continued to be thoroughly worked over by the princess.
Zelda: “Where’s my FUCKIN’ MONEY, bitch?!”
>>Riding these new heady waves of pleasure,
Rauru: If everybody had a notion, across the Hyrule Field, then everybody’d be surfin’, like...um...eatin’ shrimp unpeeled…?
DED: That started off strong, but then it kind of fell apart.
Rauru: Look, I went with what I know.
>>he was quickly becoming overwhelmed. He was panting and growling faster and faster,
Link: This doesn’t sound that different from when I get handjobs not as a wolf.
>>to which the princess responded with more vigour.
DED: Damn limey bastards with their superfluous “U’s”! See, this is why they lost the Revolutionary War: all their soldiers were writing missives like, "Commandeur, you may colour me surprisued for the colounials are attaucking with much vigour and we need succour and a saviour as sooun as possiublue, I shall nouw dispautch this letteur to be placed in the queueueueue," and those "U's" were costing them vital time! And meanwhile the proud American patriots were sending messages that just said stuff like "we militia now get rekt scrubs" and that's what made America great.
Rauru: That's an...interesting theory.
>>Finally, he could hold on no longer,
Zelda: Long live the king!
Link: Is that...
Link: That's a Lion King reference, right?
Zelda: Um, yeah?
Link: Because, I mean, that's like...you know something you might actually just, you know, say.
Link: Like, in the course of your normal day.
Zelda: Yes I know that, it was a Lion King reference.
Link: ...okay, but...
Zelda: No, look, I wasn't just randomly wishing my dad well, okay?! It was a carefully crafted movie reference.
Zelda: ...Yes? We good?
Link: ...it is something you say, thought, right? Like when you're at like a banquet or whatever, and you make a toast? Don’t TRY and tell me you don’t cuz you drink ALL the time...
Zelda: Yes, fine, yes! I have said that not as a Lion King reference, but this time it was.
Link: ...so was it a Lion King reference at the banquets and things? 'Cause I mean that's kind of sinister, if it was...
Rauru: ...My favorite song was "Hakuna Matata!"
DED: Meh. That movie is just Hamlet for furries.
Zelda: GOD EVERYONE SHUT UP ABOUT THE LION KING! I REGRET EVERYTHING!
>>letting the ecstasy wash over him
Rauru: We’ll all be plannin’ out a route, we’re gonna take real soon, w—
DED: Nah, nah, no more Beach Boying man. That ship has sailed.
>>and relinquishing control.
Zelda: Control of what, to who?
Link: Control of...whether or not I splooge everywhere, to...you?
>>He grunted as he released his seed in copious amounts,
Rauru: Is it copious relative to other wolves, or relative to a human male?
DED: Is it co—oh, you beat me to my pedantry.
>>spilling onto the stone floor and the princess’ hand.
Zelda: And my dress, and my curtains and my duvet and pretty much all over everything I want to be clean.
>>He bowed his head,
Link: This is a Japanese game, after all.
>>catching his breath as the flow began to subside and his once tight testicles began to soften.
Rauru: Four hours later...
>>The princess began to stroke his back.
Link: Could be a winner, boy, you move quite well!
DED: She just can’t stop stroking things.
>>“I told you it would feel good.”
Link: “It sure did! Welp, I’m outta here, glad I could help you with that!”
>>He turned his neck to look at her face
DED: FINALLY! Someone acknowledges that people’s heads have to MOVE because of their NECK and not because of some maaaaagical force that makes them FLY AROUND and LEVITATE like some kind of GOD-DAMNED WITCH, I mean that’s just CRAZY you gotta use MUSCLES and TENDONS if you wanna have a head move somewhere, I tell you what...
Rauru: Okay, I think you’ve made your point.
DED: ...I mean that’s just ABSURD, is this the fucking MIDDLE AGES where we believe in SPONTANEOUS GENERATION and think the world is FLAT and HEADS can just MOVE AROUND ALL BY THEMSELVES?!?
>>which was painted an even deeper shade of pink now.
Zelda: Ugh, ghastly. I’m re-painting it ASAP.
>>She took her other hand,
Link: What “other” hand? “Other” relative to WHAT?
>>still gloved but covered in his product,
DED: Did he get his stylist to recommend him some product, to keep his fur all feathered and full of body?
Link: No, it’s covered in my latest exciting product, Hombre Link’s Own Original Hero O’ Time Cayenne & Herb Burger Rub!
Zelda: You mean that plastic baggie full of lint and crabgrass and sand?
Link: God DAMN it Zelda, you’re being a MAJOR liability here!
>>and took it to her mouth.
Rauru: I’m totally on board with this.
>>She used her teeth to pull off the long white garment,
Zelda: “Ow, bit my finger. Okay, let me try again...damn it, I bit a hole in my glove. This...I really should have just used my other hand.”
>>after which she licked her lips having undoubtedly tasted some of his seed.
DED: Several million of his seeds, actually, and some watery fluid they swim around in.
>>“Now it’s my turn.”
Link: To jerk me off...again? OKAY!
>>She said with a glint in her eye.
Rauru: Yes, the gleam of wolf-bangin’ madness.
>>Zelda stood up and turned away from him.
Zelda: “Eeeeeeh, I’ve thought better of this. Wanna just go bowling?”
Link: “Rowling? Ri rove rowling!”
>>He couldn’t see much past her long bulky cloak
Zelda: Ugh, NOT flattering.
DED: Better than the bright orange jumpsuits most prisoners get.
>>other than her body shifting about as her hands went to work on something.
Link: Was it our soapbox derby car? ‘Cause she’s been slacking off on that lately.
Zelda: You tried to weld the wood and burned it to a crisp, you nincompoop.
Link: And since then, you’ve done JACK!
>>Sent bent down for a second and then stepped forward, leaving behind a small garment on the floor.
Rauru: Oooh, she was knitting a garment with her hands. I see.
>>He quickly recognised them as a white pair of frilly panties,
DED: Dropping underwear all over the floor? That sounds like Link’s department.
Rauru: I thought he was a zealous no-underwear advocate.
Link: Yeah, but Zelda keeps be-underwearing me in my sleep, so I shuck those sonsabitches right on the floor. It's non-violent civil disobedience. I'm like Ghandi.
>>noting the conspicuous damp spot.
DED: Because it’s conspicuous, you see.
>>He could smell the strong feminine scent emanating from it,
Zelda: Well, he would…
Rauru: Why, because your vagina absolutely st—
Zelda: Because he’s a dog.
Rauru: —Right. Right, that’s what I thought you meant.
>>making him eager to follow up on the source.
DED: Bartholin’s glands?
DED: Plasma seepage from the vaginal walls?
DED: Well those are the sources of vaginal lubricant, you’re out of options.
Link: Oh. Well, I guess I'll go for the plasma cannons or whatever.
>>The princess had positioned herself on the floor across from him,
Rauru: Our newest installation, to be viewed in the round...
>>lying back on her elbows with her legs pointing towards him. Her robe was now open,
Zelda: But, shoppers, the robe will be closing in 15 minutes, please make your way to checkout.
>>her royal dress on display.
Rauru: On loan from the Met, in the East Wing.
>>He began to amble towards her,
Link: Yoop a doop a doo, dum dee dum...why, what have we here?
>>the trail of her exposed womanhood drawing him wordlessly near.
DED: Vaginas aren’t exactly known for being wordy.
Zelda: I mean, The Vagina Monologues are just the exception that proves the rule.
>>She bent her knees and spread her legs, at least as far as her dress allowed,
Rauru: Sooooo...very little, then.
>>and presented him with an encouraging, if nervous, smile.
DED: And a big ol’ soggy cooter.
Zelda: I’m nervous that after all his time as a wolf, he’s gone native and now he only lusts after bitches.
Link: What, you sayin’ I was gay before? ‘Course I still wanna fuck bitches.
Zelda: No, I mean actual bitches.
Link: Aww, honey...I mean you’re kinda mean sometimes, but I wouldn’t call you a bitch...
Zelda: I mean FEMALE WOLVES, you stupid jackass!
Link: ...But I’m not a donkey, I’m a wolf.
>>He didn’t need the hint,
DED: Just lots and lots of other hints.
Link: *pointing* Hey, that was uncalled-for!
Zelda: Dave’s sitting over there, sweetie.
Link: *re-pointing* Yeah, what she said!
>>heading snout first under her dress.
Rauru: So his nose is...in front of his face. Is this supposed to be remarkable?
Link: Yeah, I’m just about ready to head snout-first out of this theater.
>>Her whole body tingled in anticipation
Zelda: “I hope the peanut butter works…”
Link: Don’t worry, I’d lick ANYTHING covered in peanut butter!
>>as his warm torso slipped inside, approaching her naked lower quarters.
Rauru: Did she put them there to call “next” on the arcade machine?
>>She almost flinched as she felt his hot breath on her most sacred region
>>but went ahead and did so when his cool, moist nose pressed itself against her quivering womanhood.
Zelda: Yeah, okay, okay, I went ahead and did it. I admit, I indulge in the occasional flinch.
Link: Does “flinch” mean “liquor binge?”
Zelda: *swigging from hip flask* YOU MAKE ME DO THIS!
>>She let out another gasp
Rauru: But she hasn’t gasped yet...
>>as Link began to lap at her entrance,
Link: Looks like I’ve suffered a...laps of judgment!
Zelda: ...Wouldn’t be your first...
>>the initial contact of his warm slick tongue enough
DED: Yes, enough already!
>>to send another spike of pleasure darting up her spine.
Link: Why is pleasure always metaphorically referred to as a “spike” or a “searing heat” or a “jagged rusty piece of shrapnel” or something else entirely unpleasant?
>>As her whole body tensed up
Link: See? All these spikes are making her tense, like being inside an iron maiden.
>>under his ministrations
Zelda: *guzzling* Don’ fuggin’ minishter t'me man you shut yer fuggin’ gob fore I pop u wun sware on me mum...
>>she closed her thighs around his head, making sure he wasn’t pulling back any time soon.
Rauru: Well, realistically she isn’t going to last more than about fifteen minutes, and then she’ll let him go. Which is really pretty “soon,” I mean, all things considered.
>>His long fur felt amazing against her soft skin.
Link: Hey man, fur is murder.
Link: Yeah, it’s hot, it’s itchy, it gets all matted...it’s MURDER I tell ya!
>>He continued undisturbed, his lathering tongue continuing to lap up her flowing honey.
Zelda: Bees? In my vagina?
>>His licks were wild and sloppy much like you’d expect from a regular wild wolf.
Rauru: I’m afraaaaaid I’m not terribly familiar with getting cunnilingus from wild wolves, so I really wouldn't know what to expect.
>>Zelda wouldn’t have had it any other way.
Link: Well, she can’t exactly GET it any other way.
>>It didn’t take long
DED: ...’fore I found out, what people mean by down and out!
Link: You saying that because I'm a Black Dog?
>>in this delectably erotic situation
Rauru: Hold on, hold on. I am an expert in all things delectable, and this is, frankly, a disappointment.
>>for a familiar sensation to begin rising from deep within her.
Zelda: How is it a familiar sensation? How frequent could wolf cunnilingus possibly have been up until now?
DED: Didn’t she set up this whole encounter because of how infrequently she was feeling this sensation?
>>She took both of her hands, which had been clawing at the stone floor this whole time,
Link: Hey, I’m the claw-haver in this relationship.
>>to the top of the wolf’s head
Rauru: ...The top of the wall! Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!
>>through the fabric of her dress.
“Good boy… keep going…” she panted.
Zelda: “But stop digging up my garden goddamnit…”
>>He continued to lather his hot tongue all over her inflamed and saliva coated nether regions.
DED: Inflamed and covered in spit, that’s sex appeal.
>>She wanted to savour this,
Link: Really drink in the gross weirdness of it all...
>>to hold on as long as possible
Rauru: ...to what we’ve got, it doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not, we got each other, and that’s a lot for looove...WE’LL GIVE IT A SHOT!
>>but the incoming tidal wave of pleasure was storming toward her like never before.
Zelda: Thousands will be killed or displaced.
DED: It’s not literally a tidal wave.
Zelda: I know, those things are just natural consequences of my sexual appetites.
>>It rose and rose like an unstoppable force,
Rauru: That’s why she should wear the Immovable Object© Brand Female Condom!
>>slowly but surely engulfing the whole of her body.
Link: And the...hole of her body.
>>And then it hit.
Zelda: “WAIT a minute...I’m getting eaten out by a DOG!”
DED: It is arrival!
>>was so intense
Link: But we’re not in a tent!
Zelda: I want to shoot you SO BAD right now.
Link: Yeah I know you want me bad, baby.
>>that her back was raised up off the floor,
Rauru: Aw, now she can’t walk the dinosaur.
>>an uninhibited cry of passion escaped her lips
Zelda: What would be inhibiting it? The ball gag’s not for me...
>>that was so loud that it echoed off the stone walls.
DED: That technically would happen no matter how loud it was.
>>Link continued to lap away for a few more moments,
Zelda: Cheerfully oblivious to my orgasm or lack thereof, as usual.
Link: What’s THAT supposed to mean, huh?
Zelda: What do you THINK it means?!
Link: I don’t KNOW! That’s why I’m ASKING!
>>making quick work of the burst of honey
Rauru: That sounds EVEN BETTER!
>>that had released upon her climax.
Link: "Treat now? Treat now treat now?! GIVE TREAT NOW YAAAAAAAY!!"
>>She slowly laid back down, her body going limp
Zelda: He has that effect on people.
>>as her senses swam in the afterglow.
DED: Why doesn’t she just swim in her enormous private pool, or a bathtub full of cognac or whatever?
Zelda: But I already HAVE those things, and I want MORE. MOOOOOOORRREEEE!
>>Link pulled out from under her dress and padded up beside her.
Rauru: Come now, there’s no need to pad the story.
>>She looked up at him with a flushed but satisfied look on her face.
Link: Oh, like when you finally struggled your way into that corset the other day.
Zelda: Shut UP...
>>“Thank you Link, you did wonderfully.”
DED: “Based on my, admittedly limited, knowledge of wolf cunnilingus quality...”
>>She smiled, breathing heavily as she continued to regain her senses.
Rauru: So, what, is an orgasm basically just like a flashbang grenade going off next to your head?
DED: Don’t worry Rauru, I doubt it will ever be a problem for you.
>>She reached an arm up and stroked his mane.
Link: Say you’re a winner but man you’re just a sinner now!
>>While she did so she couldn’t help notice a little something between his legs.
Zelda: Well, most of his body is between his front legs and his back legs...
>>He was partially erect again, apparently having almost recovered from his own climax earlier.
Rauru: The mental trauma, however, would take years of therapy.
>>“My, you are a resilient one.”
Link: Uh, YEAH, I have no choice but to hang around with Midna all day. You have to be a God-damned pillar of sanity to survive that.
Zelda: “Pillar of sanity” is pretty close to the last phrase I’d ever use to describe you, Link.
Link: ...But why can’t I just cut through it with a plasma torch?
Link: You were being boring again, so I made up improved dialogue for you.
>>Zelda trailed a hand down to his member again, grasping it
DED: Yeah, she’s so desperate for cock, she’s really...grasping at straws?
Rauru: That’s terrible innuendo.
DED: Yeah, sorry, I was really...grasping at straws?
>>and giving it a few smooth, slow strokes.
Link: You better listen now! ‘Said it ain’t no joke! Let your conscience fail ya! Just do the stroke!
>>“Lie down.” She then instructed,
Zelda: Link does require detailed instructions to go to bed.
Link: I’m still trying to get the hang of those dang “sheet” thingies.
>>sitting up off the stone floor.
DED: This is ridiculous, they're lying on the floor in her bedroom. WHERE HER BED IS.
>>Link did as ordered,
Zelda: Such is his life.
Link: I resent that!
Zelda: Oh chosen hero, it is your duty to restore balance to the land and achieve your sacred destiny by exploring a bunch of insanely dangerous locations!
Link: I’M ON IT! ...Damn, you’re right.
>>lying with his stomach flat on the floor.
DED: People often end up “bowing and scraping” before the Princess, but usually not this literally.
>>She gave a gentle push on his flank so he rolled over onto his back.
Zelda: “Roll over! Play dead! Speak! Attaboy!”
>>She then crawled up close to his lower torso, taking hold of his now easier to access wolfhood.
Rauru: Easier to access, and with half the calories!
>>He had noticeably hardened from the brief work of her soft delicate hands, almost back to full solidity.
Link: Good, my lack of corporeality was really becoming a problem. Clipping through the floor and all that.
DED: The Twilight Princess speedrunning community was thrilled, but also moderately disgusted, to learn that a major new skip is possible via interspecies sex.
>>She bent down further now,
>>her face now inches from his eager sex.
Zelda: Yes, but how many inches? Two? Six? A hundred and five? This is important.
>>Seeing it up close for the first time she noted the obvious differences from a human member.
DED: Because they’re obvious, you see.
>>It was much redder in colour and differently shaped, having no head to speak of but a more pointy tip.
Link: And it was attached to a furry quadruped, which is also weird and wrong.
>>This foreign appearance did not put her off.
Zelda: It was the smell that did that.
>>In fact, it made her all the more intrigued by it.
Rauru: In a sort of train-wreck, can’t-look-away sense.
>>She looked up at his face, their eyes locking as she shot him
Link: Wouldn’t be the first time.
Zelda: Are you still sore about that?
Link: Um, actually, yes, I literally am.
>>a sly reassuring smile.
DED: Somehow, I get the feeling that she’s actually trying to reassure herself.
>>Without any further hesitation she took his raw member
Link: Uh, yes, raw is fine. Please don’t boil my penis, thanks.
>>into her warm, moist mouth.
Zelda: Why, that’s incredible! Truly no one but me has a mouth that is warm and moist!
>>He gave out a moan of appreciation,
Rauru: And now, the Lifetime Achievement Moan for services to pornography goes to...Zelda! Let's give her a big hand!
Link: No can do, but in my current state I could at least give you a...round of a-paws!
Link: ...Was that a moan of appreciation?
>>his rod hardening back to full length just from entering her.
DED: Was it his Fire Rod, or his Cane of Byrna?
>>She enveloped as much as she could, almost two thirds of his reasonably sized rod.
Zelda: Yeah, I’m awfully sick of sucking all these un-reasonably sized rods.
Link: No, no, this is all wrong, my cock is BEYOND all reason.
Zelda: Kind of like you?
Link: ...but if jellyfish AREN’T made of jelly, then WHY do they taste so good with peanut butter? And furthermore...
>>She started to work it,
Rauru: ...make it…
DED: ...do it…
Zelda: ...makes us...
>>bobbing her head back and forth, coating it with her saliva and occasionally toying around with the shaft
Rauru: You fool, you’re toying with forces beyond your comprehension!
>>and tip with her tongue.
His cock was incredibly smooth,
Link: Yep, as smooth as Zelda's morning bourbon.
Zelda: Shut up, I don't switch to bourbon until at LEAST 2:00 PM.
>>much more so than a human's.
DED: Quit trying to justify it, story, it’s still gross.
>>It made dragging her luscious lips and soft tongue up and down it a breeze.
Zelda: Oh my GOD, tell me about it, human blowjobs are just so hard...
>>Link was in heaven,
Rauru: Uh, no, he’s in a haunted castle.
DED: Well, they say ooooh, heaven is a place on Earth.
Link: I've heard a counter-argument stating that heaven is a place where nothing, nothing ever happens.
Zelda : Well, in any case, I can rest assured that if I have to buy a stairway to heaven, I can afford it.
>>his body swirling with even greater pleasure
DED: Is he spinning in place on the floor like the Three Stooges? Has this blowjob given him mad breakdancing skillz?
>>than when the princess had used her hands on him.
Zelda: When I get my hands on you...
>>He couldn't believe a woman was pleasuring him with her mouth in this manner,
Rauru: So what other manner of mouth pleasure could a woman provide, hmm? Recitation of poetry?
DED: Hell yeah recitation of poetry!
>>especially in his wolf form.
Link: Y'know, come to think of it, a curse that turns a human into an animal widely regarded to be more deadly than a human is kind of counterproductive.
>>The fact that it was the powerful and gorgeous princess of Hyrule
Zelda: You forgot wise and eloquent and thaumaturgically-gifted.
Rauru: And drunk.
Zelda: *unscrewing hip flask* Not nearly enough, my friend, not nearly enough...
>>made it all the more erotic,
DED: Power is the greatest aphrodisiac.
>>more so than he ever imagined.
Link: I'm preeeeety sure I've imagined things as erotic as this or more.
>>But he didn't need to imagine it;
Rauru: He probably still will, though.
>>this was really happening.
Zelda: Yeah, believe it or not...
>>His climax was on the verge of happening too
DED: Now that was a segue.
Zelda: Hey, you know what ELSE is happening? ...Disdain!
>>with princess working him over with an increased voracity.
Rauru: I am quite familiar with increasing voracity.
>>She could hear him grunting and panting harder now.
Link: This is different from all the grunting and panting I usually do, right?
>>Her heart skipped a beat at the mere thought of having his wolf seed spewing into her mouth.
Zelda: The sheer terror is overwhelming!
>>She looked up as she continued to work to see his head laid back in ecstasy.
Link: Hey, give me credit, I've been pretty laid back about this whole sexually-motivated-abduction thing from the get-go.
>>But when her gaze returned directly in front her she caught a glimpse of something that surprised her.
DED: Link's body had shattered like glass and the fragments transmuted themselves into four-eyed baby heads that were vomiting a steady stream of warm tapioca pudding?
>>The flesh at the base of his penis seemed to have expanded
Rauru: ...that’s FASCINATING!
>>and was slowly growing larger
Link: So you’re saying I...pump up the base?
>>as he drew towards his big finish.
DED: And yet, something tells me the story is FAR from finished…
Zelda: Yeah, sadly this is probably more like his big halftime show.
>>Zelda was alarmed for a brief second before she remembered something she'd heard about dogs and certain other animals.
Rauru: ...If you scratch their belly just right, their leg shakes.
>>When mating, the male's penis would often swell or knot in one place,
Link: I sometimes get that in my lower back. I wonder if it’s related to my time as a wolf.
DED: Why would your lower back pain have anything to do with having had an inflating wolf penis?
Link: No, I meant my time as a wolf with fucking Midna riding around on me.
DED: ...Ah. That MIGHT explain it.
>>locking himself inside the female and plugging her so that none of his product could escape.
Zelda: Hold on, fucking WHERE did I hear this little tidbit, exactly?!
DED: Oh, you know, water-cooler conversation.
>>The thought of it aroused Zelda
Rauru: ...’s disgust...
>>even further as she tried to comprehend the sensations such a bestial body function would produce on her.
Link: Well, if it had been in there further in her mouth, it would have been stuck there and she'd have choked and died. So there's that.
>>Before she could plan too far ahead,
Zelda: Um, “plan?” I was really only doing some idle speculation.
>>it was at that moment that Link grunted hard and arched up slightly. His warm life liquid spurted forth,
Rauru: She bit his dick off?
>>beginning to fill her mouth.
Zelda: Trust me, that is FAR from my first choice of liquid to fill my mouth.
>>Zelda gladly accepted it by starting to swallow it down.
Link: Given a fairly expansive definition of “gladly,” sure.
>>The sweet, sticky flow maintained for a good few seconds
Rauru: This reminds me of the time I got lips frozen to the nozzle of the soft-serve machine.
Zelda: Was this a problem?
Rauru: Greatest day of my life!
>>but when it did cease she thoroughly sucked
Link: Hey, you know what else thoroughly su—
DED: Okay, okay, I know where you’re going with that, let’s just move on.
>>and licked the tip clean, making sure none went to waste.
Rauru: Look, can you make baby wolves in your stomach? Because if not, all of it has gone to waste. Fun waste, sure, but waste.
>>The tip of Link's wolf cock popped from her luscious pink lips
Link: Uh, could I have the rest of it back, too?
>>as she finished up.
Zelda: Yeah, gotta wrap this up, community theater’s rented this space after me...
>>She noted that his knot had receded as his erection faded
DED: *writing on a notepad* “Knot...has...receded…as...”
>>before she laid back next to him, watching him still lightly panting.
Rauru: Hopefully the shadow janitors don’t wander in right about now.
>>“I hope you've got some energy left.'
DED: Oh, she’d know if he was low on energy; there’d be an incessant “BEEPBEEP! BEEPBEEP!” noise.
>>She said. 'The best is yet to come.'
Link: Sorry, but the best has already come twice.
>>Zelda reckoned that her wolf lover (or perhaps mate was the correct term)
Rauru: Yeah, “wolf lover” is ambiguous. It could refer to a third party, a lover of wolves that she happens to know.
Zelda: Or perhaps...that I own?
>>probably needed time to recuperate after his two climaxes
DED: If there’s two of them, they aren’t really “climaxes,” right? Like, to be the climax, it has to be “the most.”
Rauru: We need a new term.
>>so she decided to put on a little show in the mean time.
Link: Les Misérables!
Zelda: Starring real orphans!
>>She got to her feet, beginning to slowly and deliberately pace towards her bed.
Rauru: My GOD, it’s as if she wants to sit or lie on it!
Zelda: “Oh, NOW I remember, the bed is way more comfortable than the floor!”
>>As she did this she let her long billowing cloak fall from her frame
DED: The so-called “boner skip,” which also involves a long billowing cloak, is frame-specific.
>>onto the ground, revealing her royal attire.
Link: Uh, not to be picky, but aren’t all the clothes she’s wearing, including the cloak, sort of “royal attire” by definition?
Rauru: Yes, okay, revealing more of her royal attire, let’s move on.
>>Next, she tugged off her remaining glove
DED: THAT’S it, the gloves are off.
>>and let her ornate pauldrons slip off her shoulders and clatter to the ground.
Rauru: "Let's get it *BANG CLATTER CLATTER* ...on."
>>Then, she reached a hand around to her lower back to the lace that kept her dress clinging to her body.
DED: That, and FRICTION!
Zelda: Yes, our friend, FRICTION! Always vigilant, always resisting the relative motion of solid surfaces!
Rauru: FRICTION! Won’t you?
>>She slowly pulled on one of the ends that was tied in a bow, making it unravel,
Link: Is that how you work those damn things...
>>loosening the entire elaborate structure of lace.
Zelda: The whole house of cards comes crashing down!
>>She turned her head
DED: With muscles, I might add!
Rauru: Give it a rest!
>>to give Link a sidelong smile as she took a hand to the left shoulder strap of the garment, sensually slipping it down her arm.
Link: Hmm, it says she took a hand to the strap, but it doesn’t say she grasped it or pinched it or anything. Did she just rub her hand against it until it fell off?
DED: Yes, thanks to FRICTION!
Zelda: All right, enough.
>>She did the same to the other side of her outfit, the once tied together dress opening up at the back.
Rauru: Clothes are complicated.
>>The straps were now resting around her elbows and the upper body of the dress was splayed open, exposing her bare upper back.
Link: Oh my God, I can totally see her...shoulderblades!
Zelda: Is this not why you came? Are you not aroused?!
>>She slipped her left followed by her right arm out of the garment before deliberately letting it fall away.
DED: It would be rather odd if she got this far into the striptease, and then finished it accidentally.
>>The dress landed in a pile around her feet,
Rauru: There’s a pile of dresses around her feet?
>>leaving the princess completely naked except for her golden tiara and white skin-tight thigh highs.
Link: So...partially completely naked.
Zelda: Yes, but the parts that ARE naked are COMPLETELY naked.
>>Her once hidden yet glorious curves were now fully on show to Link,
DED: Except for the curves of her, um, calves, and the curve of the top of her head.
>>with his eyes quickly moving to her beautifully rounded buttocks.
Rauru: Yeah yeah, his eyeballs get all enormous and pop out of his head, and a giant outline of his heart bulges out of his chest and his bow tie spins around like a propeller and steam shoots out of his ears.
Zelda: Well, he is a wolf.
>>He was positively salivating at the sight before him and felt a familiar stirring down below.
Link: "Oh no, not my irritable bowel syndrome, not now..."
>>He was given precious few seconds to study her perfectly formed behind
DED: Hey, hey! I wasn't done! Get back here!
Zelda: Aaaaaand time, pencils down!
>>before she made it to the bed,
Rauru: An arduous journey, no doubt.
>>slowing turning and sitting on the edge of it to face him.
DED: I...hmm. I wanted to mock the story for saying "slowing" instead of "slowly." But that's technically still a grammatically-correct sentence. You win this round, story...
>>They took his moment
Link: Hey! Give me my moment back!
DED: Damn it, this is technically grammatically correct too!
Zelda: But it's nonsensical.
DED: I can't mock it on that alone...if I did, we'd be here all day.
>>to study each other.
Rauru: "So it says here you need a grant to study...'lupine mating behaviors’?"
Rauru: "Is this part of a conservation effort?"
Zelda: "Sure, whatever."
>>He was immediately drawn to her free shapely breasts
Link: Boobies! Buy one, get one free!
>>and their cute pink nipples. Next,
Link: ...But wait, there's more!
>>his eyes roamed downwards to the neat golden patch
DED: It's not just neat, it's downright spiffy!
>>located between her legs, hoping that would soon be his destination.
Zelda: He wants to...travel to my pubes? I must say, I'm confused.
>>Her cheeks were still a deep shade of pink
>>though her overall facial expression was harder to categorise.
Link: Truly you are a beautiful enigma, a mystery so lovely that to fathom it would be the greater loss.
Zelda: ...Nice try, but you're still painting that T-Bird.
Link, DED: Dang it!
DED: I really thought we had her this time.
>>Her blushing and nervous smile suggested a slight embarrassment
Zelda: I’ve done weirder things in the bedroom.
Rauru: ...Care to elaborate?
>>yet the determined look in her eyes and adventurous curve of her lips suggested a willingness to proceed.
DED: Wait, hold on, her “nervous smile” suggests embarrassment, but the “curve of her lips” suggests a willingness to proceed?
>>And with her sitting on her bed looking directly at him there was no stronger image of encouragement for him.
Link: What about a huge neon sign that says “JAM IT IN” flashing on and off?
>>He had been lying on his side, watching her during her little performance, his overt wolfhood
Zelda: I can’t help but picture this as a hoodie made from a wolf pelt.
Rauru: Or maybe a ghetto full of thugged-out gangsta wolves.
Link: Yo, that's wolfist.
>>slowing growing erect again.
DED: Ahhhh HA! This is just plain wrong, and I'mma point it out.
Zelda: And does it make you happy, you sad pathetic husk of a man?
DED: Like blood to a vampire.
>>Now, he stood up and began to saunter towards her
Rauru: ...NO sense of occasion!
>>as she moved back and laid down on the soft bed sheets.
Zelda: "You know, this is nice. I should start having ALL of my sex here and not on the floor."
>>Her heart was beating apace
Link: ...Yeah but which pace?
DED: No, no, it's beating, apace.
Link: ...Whose pace?
DED: I can see where THIS is going.
>>at the prospect of their inevitable union.
Rauru: I dunno, I think it could still be averted at this point.
DED: Speaking of, did you know that once you're about to come and can't stop, you have achieved what is technically known as "ejaculatory inevitability?"
>>As he jumped up onto the bed with her,
Zelda: "NO! No dog on the bed! Bad dog! Ughh, now there's gonna be hair everywhere..."
>>it beat even faster.
Link: You could say it's really beating apace.
>>She hadn't noticed how wet she had become while she was fellating him
Link: From the slobber?
Rauru: Funny, my dinner guests sometimes complain of that.
>>and now their moment of mutual pleasure was at hand.
Link: She can't get pleasure from her hand. She tried that already.
>>Her loins burned hot for him.
DED: And when she pees.
Rauru: That's what she gets for sleeping with loose huskies.
DED: ...I see what you did there.
>>His deep black eyes locked with hers as he padded closer.
Zelda: Yep, this story's full of padding all right.
Link: This place could really use central heating.
>>with anticipation as he straddled her exposed body,
DED: Oh, so she’s trembling with antici...
Rauru: No don't.
>>planting his front paws just under her armpits and his rear ones either side of her upper legs.
Link: Wow, awkward.
Zelda: Yeah, it's almost like this totally wasn't designed to ever happen.
>>The pounding of her heart felt like it was in her throat now
Rauru: Oh, THAT, that happened to me one time when I forgot which wings were the boneless wings and which weren't. She should try to expel the blockage with some coleslaw.
>>but maybe be due to the fact that she had been holding her breath.
Zelda: Well that was stupid of me.
DED: And preventable!
>>She was taken aback by his imposing animal form as he stood over her quivering, naked human body.
Link: At least I'm not nipping at her hamstrings while a half-dozen of my friends circle around her looking for a chance to leap in and tear her throat out.
>>He was looking down into her eyes, his snout millimetres from her face,
Zelda: "Who's got a wet nose? Who's got a big wet noooose? Ahh-nyum-nyum-nyum-nyum!"
>>locking her with a mesmerising yet mysterious stare.
DED: Yes, mysterious...does his gaze signify "derp?" Or perhaps "herp."
>>At this moment she was completely at his mercy.
Rauru: Only this moment? I mean, he's an apex predator. She's a slender teenage girl who, unless Zant is a colossal idiot, has been stripped of all her weapons and magic powers.
Zelda: Clearly he was subdued by my almost mystical aura of elegance and gravitas. *chugs from a bottle in a brown paper bag*
>>He was the one to break this intense anticipation,
DED: Yep, broke it like he broke Zelda’s rare exotic jewelry box.
Zelda: Yes, yes, very good.
DED: And her gilded looking glass, and her filigreed crown, and…
Zelda: God just SHUT UP.
Link: And her fancy plates!
DED: Oh yeah! Nearly forgot.
>>leaning in and licking her on the lips.
Rauru: Oh yeah, whenever I smell fried chicken or bread baking I just can’t help but...oh he’s licking someone ELSE’S lips.
DED: ...something else, but still totally baffled and grossed out by this...
>>Zelda responded. She opened her mouth and extended her tongue a little,
>>letting his leathery one make contact with hers.
Link: Even I will admit...it seems like I’m getting the better deal here.
>>Their exchange was anything but precise and reserved,
DED: So it was, let’s say, iridescent, overweening, cottony, and yellow?
Zelda: Yes, and millions of other things as well. Just not precise or reserved.
>>their tongues at first dancing together in the air before his plundered the inside of her mouth.
Link: Avast, wolflubber!
>>With one hand raised up on the back of his thick mane, she then tried to delve her tongue into his mouth with limited success.
DED: Yeah, “limited success.” That sort of defines this whole experience, really.
>>They switched between the three states at random multiple times,
>>sharing a moderate amount of salvia between them.
Rauru: And they smoked it and tripped balls.
>>It was an ungainly exchange
Link: Oh, REALLY.
>>which was to be expected from two different species coming together.
DED: So they KNEW this would be a rolling disaster and they went through with it anyway?
>>But it was gloriously wild and unrestrained,
Link: And when am I not?
>>and she adored the sensation of his thin leathery tongue twisting and intertwining with her thick soft one.
Rauru: She simply adoooooooores it!
>>Soon, she bought her long legs up,
Zelda: “Oh, say, just a propos of nothing, but have you noticed how long my legs are?”
>>wrapping them around his lower back.
Link: On a quadruped, is it the “back” or the “top”?
DED: It’s “dorsal.”
Zelda: Shut up, nerd.
>>She shuddered slightly as his warm hard rod was pressed between him and her lower abdomen.
Rauru: An understandable reaction.
>>He pulled back from their tongue kissing, looking her in the eyes as if checking for confirmation.
Link: It’s confirmed: this is super-awkward.
>>Zelda gave him a small smile and nod, almost as if the sheer anticipation was causing her discomfort.
DED: Or maybe it was his claws digging into her flesh that was uncomfortable.
>>She relaxed her thigh grip from around him, giving them some freedom to manoeuvre.
Zelda: But not too much freedom. There’s nothing more dangerous than too much freedom.
DED: Not even out-of-control nuclear fission?
>>Keeping her legs around him,
Link: ...And her wits about her...
>>she shifted back a little
DED: She should be careful about violently downshifting, she could wreck the transmission.
>>and lifted her lower torso slightly off the bed so the angles lined up.
Rauru: ...The angle of the dangle?
DED: Yeah, the direction of the erection.
Zelda: Right, the trajectory of the erect-ory.
>>She moved an arm down between their bodies
Link: “Risten, roney, could you get that severed arm outta here? It’s killin’ the mood.”
>>and took hold of his eager wolfhood to make sure he hit his mark.
Zelda: He is a lousy stage actor.
>>She bit her lower lip as the tip of it brushed her womanhood,
Rauru: ...with barbeque sauce, then grilled it at 450 degrees for forty-five minutes?
Zelda: Do you even care that you’re talking about vagino-cannibalism?
Link: It wouldn’t be cannibalism for me, I’m a wolf.
>>indicating that they were all set.
DED: Ready, set, bone!
>>He gave her one last look,
Rauru: ...Before he disappeared forever.
>>taking in the beauty and the eroticism of the her deeply aroused features,
Link: What features?
Zelda: Oh, you know, deicing module, non-stick Teflon coating, fully independent rear suspension...
Link: I’d sure like to test your rear suspension! Hubba-hubba!
>>her long golden hair splayed out around her.
DED: Why you gotta splay me like that?
Rauru: ‘Cause she’s splug-n-splay.
Zelda: I don’t recall this scene when I watched a Twilight Princess Let Splay.
Link: No, Zelda, you’re supposed to replace it with the word “splay,” you don’t get it at...OOOOOOHHHHH!
DED: Um yeah, he’s a DOG!
>>he then pushed forward, stepping toward her, bending his knees slightly and gently thrusting his hips downward.
Rauru: ...But none of it worked.
>>Guided by the grip of her hand his hot, solid wolfhood pressed against her nether lips
Link: Have you guys noticed something? Almost every story we read features the term “nether lips,” but no one EVER in their right mind would actually say that out loud.
>>until the tip pushed inside her.
Zelda: It was at that moment that she realized that she had made a terrible mistake.
>>Zelda cooed from behind her bit lip, her fiery eyes locked to his.
Link: Yeah, this one time I was trying to put a padlock on my precious chest of haircare products, and I accidentally locked my own belt to the chest and I forgot the combination and I had to walk around with a chest dangling over my groin for three whole days.
DED: Okay, one, how the HELL does one accidentally fasten a padlock around one’s own belt, and two, why didn’t you just unbuckle the belt?!
Link: Wow, spooky, Zelda asked me the exact same thing!
>>The member, still slightly slick from her prior mouth work,
Rauru: The only kind of work I will abide.
DED: Yes, as anyone with a knack for describing something erotic in the least erotic way possible would put it, her “mouth work.”
>>slipped effortlessly into her eager womanhood.
Rauru: I don’t think the penis itself ever really exerts any effort.
>>In not time at all
Zelda: ...But an incredible simulation!
>>it was fully buried inside her,
Link: Yeah, usually when you’re burying someone or something you don’t wanna just do it halfway.
>>all the way down to the base of his cock,
DED: I like a story willing to give us the base details.
>>his furry balls resting on the bottom of her firm ass cheeks.
Zelda: They are some firm-ass cheeks.
>>They stayed locked together for a good few seconds,
Rauru: ...Under some definition of "good," sure.
>>adoring the sensations of this union.
Link: Work to rule! The workers, united, will never be defeated!
Zelda: Ah hahahahaha, NOPE.
>>The princess felt so good around both Link's hard wolf member and against his coarse fur.
DED: Apply princess to sore areas. Rub princess vigorously for immediate relief.
>>Likewise, Zelda adored Link's coat against the soft skin of her lower body
Link: ...Don't get any ideas.
Zelda: Relax, I don't wear furs.
DED: Why don't you, though? I picture a jaded alcoholic heiress like you flaunting her wealth with a mink stole on her shoulders.
Zelda: Well I would, but my shoulders are currently occupied by these solid gold pauldrons.
DED: ...Oh. Right.
Zelda: Leave the advice on wealth-flaunting to the pros, okay?
>>and his long intriguing sex
Link: My favorite kind!
>>within her core.
Zelda: My genitals are not my "core," okay?! They're not the spiritual and emotional focus of my existence.
Zelda: Shut up.
Link: Right, of course. That would be her liver.
Zelda: SHUT UP...
>>With her legs locked around his back, she began to
>>grind her hips slightly, feeling every part of his cock.
Rauru: Oh like that’s a big accomplishment.
>>The sensation of the princess rolling around on his wolfhood
DED: ...at the speed of sound, got places to go, gotta follow my rainbow…
Zelda: No, no, NO. Wolf Link is the only furry thing over-sexualized by the Internet that I want in this story.
>>spurred Link into action,
Link: At least, unlike with Midna, they’re only metaphorical spurs.
>>and he began to slowly thrust his length in and out of her.
Rauru: Wouldn’t he be thrusting in, and, like, un-thrusting out?
DED: That’s just backwards-thrusting.
Rauru: I have so much to learn.
>>Zelda was content to let him work his way up to speed,
Link: NRRRRrrrrrr, nyrrrrrr, RrrrrRRRRRR ERRRRREEEEEEEEE vrmmmmm...
>>watching him bend his hind knees
Zelda: The things where his knees would be are actually his ankles.
DED: Oh come now, I think the author has fapped to enough pictures of wolves to know that.
>>and arch his back with every motion.
Rauru: Of anything, anywhere.
>>She looked down through the space
Link: Billions and billions of boners...
>>between their bodies, watching his hips thrust his length inside her again and again.
Zelda: So, twice.
>>For as much as she was enjoying him ploughing her,
DED: Here it is again! Dang Brits and their love of unnecessary letters! “Oh, she’s enjoying him ploughing her and drinking beer from a can made of aluminiuiuiuium!”
>>the position wasn't all the comfortable.
Rauru: ALL the comfortable!
>>She had to have her rump and lower back raised up from the bed just so their sexes could align.
Zelda: I think experts call that position “The Cramping Crab.”
>>She was starting to feel twinges of discomfort in her lower spine and guessed that Link was probably feeling the same.
Link: Yes, from Midna.
Zelda: Cripes, get over it.
Link: Get over it?! I’m gonna start a God-damned class action suit.
Rauru: That’s a good idea.
>>Getting an idea,
DED: Don’t get your hopes up, her ideas in this story so far have been pretty misguided.
>>she unhooked her legs from around him and pulled back, letting his long lubricated length slip out of her. She shifted up the bed and out from under him.
Zelda: Oh I see, her idea was “This hurts, I quit.”
>>She turned over and raised herself up onto her knees. Her back was now facing Link as he stood behind her watching patiently.
Link: Women take FOREVER to get ready...
>>She gave him a sidelong look again before bending over. She placed her forearms on the headboard of the bed whilst she spread her legs and presented herself
Rauru: In Sensurround®!
>>to her mate.
DED: U wot?
>>He wasted no time clambering on top of her back,
Zelda: Doesn’t “clambering” imply a fair bit of awkwardness and wasted time?
>>his front legs draping over her shoulders while his rear ones stood behind and either side of her rump.
Link: And she gets to wear the rest of me like a cape.
>>Zelda squirmed in pleasure as his warm hide
DED: *whipcrack noise* WARMHIDE!
>>brushed up against her bare back, his body completely dominating her own.
Rauru: Well SHE was the one who shifted to this position...
>>This time Link needed no help finding her
Zelda: I’m RIGHT THERE!
>>as he easily found his mark and slipped back inside. Zelda uttered a groan, surprising even herself at just how natural this position felt.
DED: Um, the name “doggy-style” should have been a big hint.
>>He quickly resumed his drives inside her,
Link: The leisurely cruises through her circulatory system in my vintage Maserati 3500 GT...
Zelda: You mean MY vintage Maserati 3500 GT that you crashed into a ditch when I took my eyes off it for five seconds?
Link: Yeah, that’s the one!
>>also finding it easier to produce smoother and deeper thrusts now.
Rauru: She must have read about it in Cosmo or something.
>>As he continued to plough
DED: “Ploff.” OOPS, no, wait, Britain.
>>the fair Zelda, Link couldn't believe his change of fortunes.
Zelda: You can thank me later.
>>Less than an hour ago he had been despairing at the prospect of being trapped in the form of a wolf.
DED: A few minutes before that, he was licking himself and thinking about chicken nuggets.
>>Now he was lost in ecstasy,
>>mating with the princess of Hyrule in his animal body, no less.
Rauru: And no more.
Zelda: I’ve given him enough already.
>>He hadn't even thought about of the prospect of having sex in this form
DED: He just had lots and lots of thoughtless sex.
Zelda: ...Sounds about right.
>>until Zelda began her seduction play.
Link: Oh maaan, we have to go see a play? I KNEW there would be a catch...
>>But with that concept now planted in his mind, not to mention how amazing his encounter with Zelda was turning out to be,
Rauru: So why'd ya mention it?
>>being stuck as a wolf didn't seem so bad any more.
Link: The fleas are still kind of a hassle. Oh by the way, Zelda, you’re gonna have to watch out for those.
>>The princess was as equally in heaven as her mate.
Zelda: I'm only sorta dangling my toe over the heaven county line.
>>She still couldn't quite believe that she was rutting away with a wolf
DED: And she rut...she rut so far a-waaa-aa-aaay...
>>(or at least a man in the body of a wolf)
Zelda: Or at least a man-child in the body of a wolf.
>>but that made the experience even more stimulating.
Rauru: Not quite believing?
DED: Either that, or this sentence is just saying "banging a wolf made the experience of banging a wolf all the more stimulating."
>>Sex was not something befitting of a princess.
Zelda: Speak for yourself.
>>To copulate with animals was not socially acceptable.
Link: Systemic racism.
>>But with most of the kingdom and all of the castle covered in shadow
Rauru: ...we can play laser-tag!
>>there was no-one nearby to judge nor interfere
DED: So the presence of witnesses is the ONLY thing normally stopping her from banging animals?
Zelda: I mean, I know how to take care of witnesses...
>>with this delicious interspecies union.
Rauru: Perfunctory food-related comment.
Link: Traditional derisive mockery of your fatness.
>>Zelda was relishing in the taboo of it
Rauru: What?! When did delicious relish become taboo? I really need to ketchup on current events...if I’d only known they were outlawing relish, I’d have mustard some resistance to it!
>>as Link continued to penetrated her womanly form.
Link: The sex was so good, past, present and future collapsed into an undifferentiated singularity of porn.
>>As he increased the power and speed of his poundings,
DED: Uh oh, the pound is the LAST place he wants to go.
>>the more the bed frame and her ample breasts shook back and forth.
Zelda: ...scuffing my floor...laminate is ruined...
>>She was now letting out consistent moans and grunts of pleasure,
Rauru: She was moaning and grunting over and over in exactly the same way every time? That’s...creepy.
>>indicating to Link that he was doing well.
DED: Or indicating that her standards have really bottomed out.
Rauru: Well she DOES have her bottom out...
>>Zelda moved to alter their position again,
Link: Oh for crying out loud, WHAT is it NOW?
>>removing her arms
>>from bed board
>>and now lying with her upper torso flat against the sheets, her lower body still raised in the air on her knees.
Link: Like the time I tied her shoelaces together and then startled her so she jumped up and tried to run.
Zelda: ...but since I don’t wear shoes with laces, what you actually did was tie my feet together with YOUR shoelaces, and then fail to surprise me, and then just push me over.
Link: But the end result was the same: Face down, ass up.
Zelda: I hate you so much.
>>Link intuitively shifted to compensate,
Rauru: Yes, the princess-boning intuition is strong among wolves.
>>now wrapping his front legs around her waist.
Link: “Rice abs roney, rave you been doing runches?”
>>Much as she suspected this benefited them even more,
Zelda: Oh yeah, marriage ties with the wolves will bring stability to the realm at last.
>>giving him the optimum angle and the best purchase on her body
DED: Altered thrust vector minimizes longitudinal friction...
>>to deliver even more powerful thrusts inside her.
Rauru: In less than 30 minutes, or your order’s free.
>>Her juices were now flowing freely now,
Link: After the repressive anti-juice laws were repealed.
>>dripping down her thighs and coating his wolfhood,
DED: Yes, right, because he isn’t a man, but a wolf, so he doesn’t have a manhood but instead he has a wolfhood. It’s beginning to grate.
>>granting him the power to make the swiftest possible thrusts
Zelda: I never really thought of lady-juice as being capable of “granting power,” but I guess if anyone’s could, it would be mine.
>>in and out of her sacred realm.
Rauru: See, in our religion we actually have a place called “The Sacred Realm.”
>>She could feel the base of his thick member slowly beginning to expand,
DED: Anti-military protests against the expansion of the base were ignored.
>>his knot thudding up against her nether lips as he continued to ram the majority of his cock inside her.
Link: Tyranny of the majority!
>>The moment she had been most interested in was almost upon them.
Zelda: This being over.
>>With the prospect of being knotted by this beast mere moments away
Rauru: Live from Times Square...
>>she could no longer hold back the impending ecstasy of her climax.
DED: Or the impending climax of her ecstasy.
Link: She might not be able to hold back, but I’m still holding onto her back...
>>As the heady waves of pleasure drew nearer she began to vocalise more.
Zelda: “I say, the heady waves of pleasure are drawing nearer!”
Rauru: “...Pass! Next category!”
>>fuck me, you beast!” She groaned.
Link: “Working on it...”
>>Despite what was already in progress,
>>Link was somehow still surprised to hear such language from the princess.
Link: Yeah, usually she’s all, “Oh mine heavens, pierceth ye mine innards with thy magnificent schlong!”
Zelda: Is THAT what you hear when we make love?
Link: Among other things.
Zelda: Dude, you mental.
>>But this only spurred him on more though
Rauru: That was a wonky series of words that has only spurred me on more though to mock.
>>as he banged her with even more vigour,
DED: Chin up lads, redouble our efforts and bang her with even more vigour and pluck and ruddy gumption, harrumph!
>>his hard knot almost painfully tight now.
Link: Why does everything I do have to be hard and painful?
Zelda: Because you’re an imbecile and you go about everything all wrong?
>>As their orgasms and thrusts reached fever pitch her cries became more ragged and frequent.
Rauru: ...And have you experienced any other symptoms?
Zelda (booming voice): *AHEM* “YES?”
>>“Fill me up Link!”
DED: Regular or premium octane?
Link: “And Ida Know!”
>>“Plug me up!”
>>Link revelled in her passionate cries before he could no longer hold back.
Link: “I’ve been revelling so long, I can no longer hold back the urge to be sensible and calm!”
Zelda: Oh Lord, how I wish...
>>He made one final thrust
DED: From hell’s heart...
>>and, obeying the princess's orders, put all his might behind it,
Rauru: Hey wait a second, at no point in her throes of ecstasy did she ask for increased force. She basically just asked him to do what he was already doing and was going to do, which seems to be what girls always cry out for during sex.
DED: I know, the guys too. “Yeah bitch, suck that dick. Keep sucking that dick. If you were thinking of going and getting an ice cream or taking a walk, don’t, because I want you to suck that dick.”
>>forcefully pressing his knot against her nether lips...
Link: Do they really think, in this story about giving blowjobs and handjobs and having wild uninhibited sex with a dog, that it's somehow classier to say "nether lips" instead of "cunt" or "pussy?"
Zelda: Well yeah, this is ME we're talkin' about, they have to honor my regal dignity. *drains the bottle in the brown paper bag, licks the rim*
>>… until the thick spherical swelling pushed inside her,
>>spreading her walls and plugging her at the base of her core.
DED: The base of the core of the center of the middle of the nexus of her clam.
>>The alien sensation of it threw her off the
>>briefest of moments before it triggered the mother of all climaxes.
Link: Yeah, all the best orgasms are triggered by intense confusion. Hence why the lines of ladies for Link-lovin' are out the door and around the block.
>>She let out loud strangled cry and shook all over as the waves of ecstasy hit,
Zelda: Billions in property damage and massive environmental devastation.
Zelda: What?! My sexual activities are perfectly normal. Besides, I've got FEMA on it.
DED: ...The "E" is for "Erotic," isn't it.
Zelda: How did you guess?
>>the heady rush of pleasure seemingly stemming from the solid balled objected inside her.
Rauru: Oh, gee, her sexual pleasure seems to be originating from the thing penetrating her erogenous zones. What a finding.
Link: Next you'll be telling me that my pleasure stems from the way my penis is all jammed up inside a tight moist thing!
>>She could feel him twitching both above and within her
DED: As the Taser did its work.
>>as he began to shoot his wolf seed deep within her,
Link: I shot the wolf seed! But I did not shoot the deputy, oh no!
>>with none of it escaping due to his glorious knot.
Zelda: Lemme tellya shummin', dis story donno the FIRSHT THIGGABOUT glory! *belches, tosses empty bottle onto the floor with a crash*
>>They stayed interlocked, physically unable to detach thanks to his biological mechanism,
Rauru: The aforementioned forelegs wrapped around her waist?
>>as they caught their breathes and the afterglow began to set in.
DED: So sex itself is “the glow?” There’s no glowing.
Zelda: There was in that one story, where I had to have sex with Link for national security purposes and shot lightning out of my eyeballs.
DED: That's an exceptional case.
>>Zelda wondered if is was possible for her to pull away while his knot was in place.
Rauru: And she wondered if the feeling in her vagina would ever come back.
>>She was too tired and enjoying the aftermath too much to try such a thing, though.
Link: And plus, she knows what'll happen to her if she does...
>>After his plentiful flow slowed and ceased his knot began to shrink away.
DED: Disgusted at the contact with filthy grotesque human genitals.
>>He slowly backed off of her, his withering member slipping out.
Link: WHAT HAVE YOU DOOOOOOONE?!?
>>She could feel their combined juices inside her
>>and she took a few moments to enjoy the feeling of it as he collapsed down beside her.
Link: Man I'm just shrinking and withering and collapsing all over the place, Zelda is like a succubus or something.
>>If I were a wolf I might be having his pups now,
DED: Well, not right now.
>>she mused to herself.
Zelda: If I were a wolf, this might not be SUPER GROSS now.
>>Eventually, she stretched her legs out and lowered her hips to the bed to rest, sadly feeling the product of their union trickle out of her.
Rauru: It's sad that she can feel it? Yeah, I guess that would be unfortunate; it probably feels really weird and icky.
>>Link was surrounded by a bright white light again.
Link: Wow. No pillow talk? Not cooking me breakfast the next day? I don’t even get a milk-bone out of the deal? Okay, fine, BYE I guess.
DED: Oh you got a milky bone all right.
>>When it cleared he found himself back at his camp site with Midna still sleeping.
Zelda: Man if this all turns out to have been just a dream, I'm gonna be so...wait, actually, that would be better for everyone involved. Never mind, go on with your just-a-dream ending, story! Please?
>>“Thank you, Link.” Came Zelda's voice
Zelda: ...damn, it was all real.
>>in his mind.
Link: Why didn’t she just SAY that to me while I was still THERE?
>>“That was unlike any pleasure I've experienced before.
Rauru: “Though that raspberry cheesecake for I had for dessert last night comes pretty close...”
>>You'll have to come and see me again sometime...”
Zelda: “...Though I can’t help but feel like I’m forgetting something...something important...OH RIGHT! You’re supposed to be saving the world! Make sure you get around to that too at some point, TTYL.”
DED: If the world ends up being destroyed because of too much wolf-fucking, I would be pretty upset.
Link: I’d like to say I approve of this story; it had about 90% less emotional and physical abuse than the other Wolf Link stories. And do you know why?
Rauru: Is it because your partner was Zelda?
Zelda: Nah, I abuse him plenty.
Link: No, the reason is simple: There’s 90% less abuse because there’s 90% less Midna.
DED: Yeah, to the story's credit, it was 90% Midna-free. That's a stroke of luck.
Link: Give me the business all night long!