In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space
We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:
Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “The Eye altering alters all."
Rauru! “Which do I love more, cheez or froot?"
Zelda! "Absolute power empowers absolutely!"
Link! “All the science, I don't understand, it's just my job five days a week!"
If you don’t get how he stays alive
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!
“Closet Fun” by PrincessZelda1468
>>Zelda was sitting down in a chair,
DED: Whoa, whoa, slow down! Give us some time to get settled before you bust out the big shocking revelations.
>>her mind buried in a book
Link: Just as I always said, “Reading is the death of your mind.”
>>when she suddenly heard a yelp from Link's room and immediately dropped her book.
Zelda: Yeah, this does sound like one of our usual lazy afternoons. I’m doing something smart, Link’s doing something dumb, Link hurts himself and screams...
Link: Good times...good times.
Rauru: “Oh for GOD’S SAKE what is it NOW?!?”
>>she began to run towards their room, but was suddenly grabbed and dragged towards the closet.
DED: Oh no, her closet was a mimic all along!
>>"H-hey! Let me go!"
Zelda: “If you love something, you must do that to it!”
>>she struggled before being thrown into the small closet,
Rauru: Well, hopefully this will be your most undignified moment in this story...but I doubt it.
Zelda: Yeah thanks.
>>the door being closed and locked behind her.
DED: Keep rockin’ that passive voice there.
>>"Oof!" she landed on something somewhat soft
Link: Forgive me for leaping to the obvious conclusion, but was it her clothes?
>>and her ears twitched as she heard a faint voice say, "Have fun.."
Rauru: But in this story called “Closet Fun,” WILL she have fun in a closet?
DED: She’d better, the whole premise of the tale is riding on it.
>>her eyes widened as she banged on the closet door.
Link: There isn’t anything to SEE with those widened eyes, buuuuuuuut...
Zelda: Nuh uh, I’ve got one of those closet light fixtures. I’m classy like that!
DED: We must be operating in a different closet canon, then.
>>"Let me out! LINK!" she cried
Rauru: “It wasn’t funny the last six times!”
Link: Yes it was!
Zelda: No it wasn’t.
>>before hearing a groaning sound from inside the closet.
DED: “Roarrrgh, this is Aslan, Narnia doesn’t want you!”
>>She tensed and tried to back away, but hit a wall due to the small size of the closet.
Rauru: Triforce of Wisdom at work, folks.
>>"W-who's there..?" she asked, trembling.
DED: “It’s your blue chemise. Speaking on behalf of your whole wardrobe, we need to talk.”
Zelda: More than one prince? I’m not those.
Rauru: Hold on, that is odd. “Prince” = one man, “Princes” = two men, “Princess” = one woman. But, for instance, “dog” = one dog, “dogs” = two dogs, but “dogss” does not equal “bitch.”
Link: Who DESIGNED this terrible language of ours, anyway?
DED: Mostly that asshole try-hard, Shakespeare.
>>the groggy hero looked towards the sound of Zelda's voice.
Link: Okay, I haven’t technically been mentioned by name as the guy in the closet.
>>"I-Is that you..?"
Zelda: “No it’s Edward R. Murrow, OF COURSE it’s me!”
>>Zelda relaxed slightly at the familiar voice.
DED: Being trapped in a closet with Link...doesn’t sound relaxing.
>>"L-Link..? H-how did you get in here..?"
Rauru: How could anyone...possibly...GET in a closet?
>>Link sat up, rubbing his head. "I was going to ask you the same question..
Link: “...Replacing my name with your name when I did so, obviously.”
>>I was taking a nap when I was suddenly grabbed and thrown in here.."
DED: Well, THIS seems mundane.
Rauru: Yeah, nothing odd about that.
>>the princess sighed.
Zelda: “I don’t know how or why but I’m sure this is somehow all your fault.”
Link: “Look, maybe it was that guy I owe money to, Two-Fist Tony. Or maybe it was that other guy I owe money to, whatsisface, Sully the Jackhammer.”
>>"I heard you yell and ran towards your room,
Zelda: “...you know, S.O.P. for your various incompetent crises...”
>>but I got grabbed and thrown in here before I could reach the door.."
DED: And this just sort of...happened to you?
Rauru: Details are vague.
>>her ears drooped slightly.
Zelda: I do have long ears, but are they expressive?
Rauru: Why are you asking us?
Zelda: I can’t watch my own ears! I dunno if they droop or not!
DED: I can't recall any canonical evidence of it in any Zelda game, but do correct me if I’m wrong.
Link: Hey, Zelda, I flooded the upstairs because I did that thing you said I shouldn’t do again, again.
Zelda: ...Huh. I’m crushingly disappointed and entirely furious.
DED: And yet, the ears remained motionless. Science!
>>Link scooted towards Zelda's voice and reached out,
Rauru: She gon' get poked.
Link: Is that a euphemism for something?
Rauru: No, I literally mean you're going to blindly poke her in the eyeball.
Zelda: Wouldn't be the first time.
>>feeling around a little before getting a grip on Zelda's waist
DED: Scientists have struggled for years to get a grip on the phenomenon of Zelda's waist. How does she eat what she likes and still stay so fit and trim?
DED: Haha, well, we all have our secrets...
Zelda: No, seriously, spellcasting burns lots of calories.
>>and gently pulling into his lap, causing Zelda to emit a small squeak
Link: That's bullshit, I oil her regularly!
DED: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaww yeeeah.
>>and blush slightly. Link chuckled at this and smiled.
Rauru: You silly girl, what are you so nervous about? Everything’s fiiiiiine.
>>"So, what should we do now, princess..?"
DED: Look for a way out.
Zelda: Bang on the doors and call for help.
Rauru: Remain calm and discuss who might have done this and why.
DED: Dammit Link, we're supposed to be mocking the story by suggesting sensible answers.
Link: "Sensible answers," Dave? From me? Seriously?
>>he asked curiously, nuzzling her cheek a little.
Zelda: It seems like he has a preeeeeeeeeeetty good idea of what he wants to do now.
>>Zelda's blush darkened a little
Rauru: But HOW DOES ANYONE KNOW?
Link: Admittedly, this story would be even worse if there were no visual descriptors whatsoever.
>>as she could feel Link was shirtless and only wearing his pants.
DED: You're one smooth operator.
Link: Look, have you ever been locked in a closet? It gets hot and humid as a Gerudo's asscrack!
>>She herself was only dressed in a simple white dress
DED: Why aren’t you exploding with rage about how a simple white dress is beneath your dignity and you should send assassins to kill the author’s extended family?
Zelda: Hey, come on! I can dress down.
>>since she had run away from the castle.
Rauru: So she ran away from THE most opulent place in the world, for the chance to get locked in a closet with Link.
Link: Hey, could I maybe run away from my house and go there?
>>"I..I don't know.."
DED: Zelda, Princess of Hyrule, the Seventh Sage, bearer of the Triforce of Wisdom, has been stymied by her own closet.
Link: Man, I bet Ganondorf is kicking himself right now. "A closet! Why didn't I think of that!?"
>>she stuttered slightly, trying to hide her embarrassment.
Zelda: The only kind of embarrassment I'll accept is an embarrassment of riches!
>>Link grinned and pulled Zelda little closer. "Zel,..how about we have some fun..?"
Link: "With a name like 'Closet Fun,' I'm thinking we kinda have to."
Rauru: "Sexy Closet Inconvenience" would be a better, if less snappy, title.
>>he whispered, planting soft kisses along her neck and jawline.
DED: You've sown the kisses, now reap the whirlwind...of sex!
>>Zelda bit her lip slightly,
Zelda: Ow, dammit.
>>suppressing a tiny moan.
DED: Yeah just like the Belgians suppressed the Congo.
Rauru: That's maybe taking things a tad too f...
DED: What, so you're saying that history should just FORGET what was done here?!
>>"B-but Link, we're not even married yet.."
Zelda: AAAAAAAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHHA HA HA HA, HA HA, ehheh, heh, hee hee hee hee...
Rauru: Are you quite done?
Zelda (wiping tears from her eyes): ...eheh heh...yeah...It's just...buying a car without a test drive, pffffffahahahahahaha!
>>Link pouted slightly.
Link: "How could you POSSIBLY expect me to care?"
>>"C'mon Zel, we're engaged.
DED: Thanks, Captain Picard.
>>I think that qualifies us enough to do it..
Link: Oh ho ho ho, not so fast, I have a number of EXCELLENT qualifications for doin' it.
>>and you know you want to do it..
Zelda: Locked in a cramped sweaty closet; it's precisely where I'd always dreamed of losing my virginity.
>>Don't deny it.."
Rauru: Fortunately, Hyrule's religion really isn't big on guilt.
Zelda: Oh for sure, screw all you want, the Goddesses don't care. They freaknasty.
>>he kissed her up to her ear
DED: There's not much beyond there that's really worth kissing, no...
>>and nibbled on it.
Rauru: Was it her ear...of corn?
Rauru: Then I just...don't...get it!
DED: Maybe it's a wheel bearing issue.
>>and let out a soft moan. "L-Link.."
Zelda: "This is...the...w-worst idea..."
DED: Well no, this is far from his worst idea.
>>she blushed heavily
Rauru: And invisibly.
>>and then wrapped her arms around his waist. "F-fine..
Link: You daaaamn right I'm fine! Just feel these chiseled abs!
>>I suppose we can since we're engaged.."
Zelda: And because we're young and beautiful, of course. That's a valid excuse for anything.
DED: Is that what you said to the peasant uprising right before you quashed it with extreme prejudice?
Zelda: Yeah, I'm pretty sure I brought up the youth-and-beauty argument moments before their skulls popped under the hooves of my cavalry like rotten eggs.
>>Link then let go of her ear
Rauru: I guess that's the LEAST he can do...
>>before planting a soft kiss to her cheek.
Link: That's me, sowing my wild oats in every furrow I can find.
Zelda: Don't thank me, thank our mysterious closet captor!
DED: I wish we knew more, but I'm fairly confident that this story isn't going to delve any more deeply into the mysteries of its own plot, even though it's far more compelling than the inevitable.
Rauru: Come now, surely this story wouldn't have a setup like this and never explain anything further about it.
Zelda: I dunno about that when we're dealing with a closet fetishist of this caliber.
Link: But what fetish does h...Oooooh. Took me a moment.
>>she smiled softly and then gently pressed her lips to Link's
DED: Given the quality of the editing in these stories, I can’t help but wonder if this is supposed to read “Link’s penis,” and the “penis” was omitted by accident.
>>as she wrapping her around his neck.
DED: See? See? Words get omitted left and right. In the same way that we all had to infer that it’s supposed to read “wrapping her arms around his neck,” I infer that it was supposed to read “Link’s penis.”
Zelda: But WHY would you feel the need to read it that way, when exactly that is probably going to happen in a couple of paragraphs?
DED: Damn it, you’re right, I am pointlessly pedantic.
>>Link smiled into the kiss, kissing him back
Rauru: Oooookay, that’s just straight up incorrect.
Zelda: Sheik’s movesetttttt…
>>as he began to gently rub her back and finger the fabric of her dress around a bit.
Zelda: You’ve...um, ALMOST got the right idea. Try rubbing and fingering...something else.
>>Zelda shivered slightly
DED: Do you have an air-conditioned closet? Now that would be decadent.
Link: Why, because her clothes need to be...chilled? What?
DED: Shut up. Damn it, I’ve been made to look foolish by LINK.
>>and continued to kiss him.
Rauru: Well, good show, then.
>>Link then slowly began to pull Zelda's dress off her, eager to go a little farther.
Link: Even DEEPER into the closet!
DED: You see, the closet is a metaphor for the place where she stores her clothing.
>>Zelda blushed slightly as she felt this and slowly,
Zelda: I blushed slightly and slowly?
>>but gently pulled away before pulling her dress off the rest of the way,
Zelda: Oh, there’s more sentence.
>>leaving her in only a white pair of panties with pink designs on them.
DED: Oh come on, even if he had advanced infrared night-vision equipment, colors and fine details like that are lost.
>>She hadn't put on any upper body undergarments
Rauru: Nice circumlocution.
Link: Because “bra” is just way too many letters.
>>because they weren't going anywhere
Zelda: Okay, even if I wasn’t planning on going out...brassieres are a practical thing.
>>and Link had already seen her naked once before,
DED: Well why didn’t you write about THAT, instead of this dark sweaty closet encounter?
Link: It’s nice that I’ve seen her naked before, since here in the closet I can’t see SHIT.
>>so she didn't see a point in wearing a bra
Rauru: Princess of the Hippies more like.
>>or any other upper-body undergarment around the house.
Link: FINALLY, someone else who gets it! Underwear is and always has been the albatross around the neck of Western civilization!
>>Zelda blushed a little
Zelda: So first I blushed slightly, and then I blushed a little. Is the “a little” compounding the slight blush, or overriding it?
Link: Who cares? WE CAN’T...SEE...SHIT.
>>and then slowly placed Link's hand on her bare breast, smiling softly.
DED: Check THIS out!
>>"You can touch me.."
Link: I jolly well better be able to!
>>Link nodded slightly, a slight blush on his cheeks
Rauru: Man, you kids are blushing like you’re drunk.
DED: Given Zelda…
Zelda: Fuck man, it’s 5 o’clock somewhere.
>>as he began to gently massage her breasts,
Link: Don’t worry ma’am, I’m a licensed boob masseur.
Zelda: Okay, calling this “massaging” instead of “groping” is like calling “rape” “proactive snuggling.”
>>causing Zelda to elicit a soft moan.
DED: That doesn’t mean what you think it does.
Rauru: Yeah, it means “illegal,” right?
DED: No, that’s a homophone.
Link: YOU’RE a homophone! Because, like, you’re a homo.
>>Link grinned at this and then leaned down, placing his mouth on one of her breasts
Zelda: The whole thing?!?
>>before gently beginning to suck and nibble on it. Zelda tensed and elicited a moan slightly louder than the first one.
DED: Oh hey, wait, maybe she IS eliciting a moan, from Link.
Rauru: Or maybe the author is...hmm...what’s the word...elicit?
DED: No, not that.
Rauru: ...Oh, right, I meant “dumb and wrong.”
>>"A-ah.. Link.." she breathed
Link: That’s a funny breathing noise. You should get a CAT scan.
>>and then slowly moved her hands down to Link's pants,
Zelda: Why is he keeping his pants in my closet?
>>hooking her thumbs on the waistband
Zelda: And why does its waistband have hooks on it? This is insane!
DED: The M.C.C. must have planted them in there beforehand, as some kind of twisted, Jigsaw-style trap.
>>before beginning to pull them down a little.
Rauru: At least, in the darkness, she thinks they’re going down.
Link: “AGGH my groin!”
Zelda: “Sorry! Wrong direction!”
>>Link smirked as he continued to suckle on one of her breasts while massaging her other one.
Zelda: And men call WOMEN “baby.”
DED: They also call women “mama.” See for instance the anthropological study “Black Dog” by L. Zeppelin.
>>Zelda let out another moan as she continued to work his pants down lower
Link: Hold on a minute...WHY am I wearing PANTS?!
Rauru: Change of pace?
>>until Link kicked them the rest of the way off,
Link: Yes! Begone, foul tubes of Satan!
Zelda: What about the triangular part in the middle?
Link: No, see, THAT’S a banana-hammock, and I’m ALL ABOUT those.
DED: Eeeuhhh. I don’t know why but that’s somehow even WORSE than no underwear. I thought you hated all underpants.
Link: A banana hammock isn’t underpants, it’s a way of life. Look, stop questioning my theology.
Rauru: I’m a convert!
DED: Oh dear GOD.
>>revealing his already hardening member.
Zelda: Coincidentally, he’s sitting on top of my Members Only jacket.
>>Zelda gulped slightly
Link: *GULP* Zoinks! Let’s get outta here Scoob!
>>as her blush darkened once more.
Rauru: As dark as, say, this lightless closet?
DED: Uh, no, that’s just blackface.
Zelda: Oh, so you've seen my minstrel show?
>>She had seen Link naked once by accident,
Rauru: And what has been seen, cannot be unseen.
>>but had looked away immediately, only getting a glimpse of him.
Link: Oh, naturally. Look for more than a moment, and the sheer unearthly beauty would fry your eyeballs and explode your head with awe.
>>She blinked a little, her gaze still on his member
DED: Or rather on the inky blackness where his member probably is, somewhere.
>>as she suddenly felt Link's hand slide down to her underwear
Rauru: Come on, now is no time to panty-raid!
DED: I think they mean the underwear she's wearing now.
>>and gently begin to pull them down.
Zelda: How? I mean presumably my butt is resting on the floor of the closet. I'm not STANDING, right?
>>She tensed a little,
Link: I would be a little tense about this whole locked-in-a-closet-by-a-mysterious-home-invader situation.
>>but then relaxed as Link rubbed her back with his other hand,
Rauru: Backrubs from Link don’t sound relaxing, either.
Link: BUT! You have yet to witness the genius of my electric backrubbing machi--
>>still suckling her breast.
DED: Okay, I’m putting my foot down: “suckle” is not a romantic word, authors everywhere need to stop putting it in their erotica.
>>She bit her lip slightly as she allowed Link to remove her underwear completely,
>>revealing that she was already beginning to get a little wet.
Link: I keep forgetting: put the clothes in the washer first, then the dryer.
>>Link grinned at this
Rauru: I know, it’s HILARIOUS!
>>as he gently ceased his suckling
DED: Did he get a cease and de-suckle notice?
>>and pulled away. He was about to spread her legs apart
Link: Oh I’m all about to that.
>>a little when he suddenly felt a hand on his member.
Zelda: Glad I could lend a hand.
>>Zelda looked up at him, her cheeks a little flushed
Rauru: Her closet has a toilet in it? I'm more confused than ever!
DED: No, flushed as in red. I think it's more omitted words and there was some spanking going on that we didn't hear about.
>>as she had finally worked up the courage to touch him there.
Rauru: She brought the wrong Triforce.
Zelda: Yeah, this is truly the most daunting task I have ever undertaken.
Link: More like...dong...ting.
Zelda: That was awful.
>>Link smiled gently and kissed her forehead as if telling her it was okay.
Rauru: Why doesn't he just...tell her it's okay?
Link: Handjobs are MORE than okay.
>>She then smiled back a little, half-smirking as she began to massage his member,
DED: Oh, for...THAT’S...JUST...WANKING!
Rauru: You would know...
>>causing Link to emit a low moan.
Zelda: Or perhaps it was the restless ghosts of fashions long dead.
DED: As you have previously established, you don't like that pet name.
Link: So what am I supposed to call you?
Zelda: "Her Royal Highness the Princess of Hyrule, By the Grace of the Gods of Her Sundry Realms and Territories Imperator."
Link: ...That's kind of a mouthful.
Zelda: If that's too complicated for you--and this is you we're talking about here--you can just call me by my porn name, "Sexalicious Explode."
Link: Wh--hey! That was supposed to be MY porn name! You stole it!
>>she continued her massage,
Rauru: This isn't helping the already-smutty image of massages.
>>making it a little rougher
DED: Yeah, beat the crap out of his dick!
>>before suddenly leaning down and placing her lips on the tip of his member.
Zelda: I’d like to keep my lips attached to my face, if possible.
>>She then slowly slid his member part way into her mouth and began sucking.
Link: This kinda lacks the...magic of the other literary blowjobs we’ve sat through, you know?
>>Link's eyes widened
Rauru: Searching for illumination that just, isn’t, there…
DED: Okay, can we stop hammering the fact that there’s no light in the closet?
Zelda: It’s just funny that the author seems to have completely forgotten that fact, after going to such lengths to have a contrived closet-based sex scene.
>>as he cried out a little, feeling waves of pleasure course through his body.
Link: Or maybe there’s a short circuit in my back-rubber and it’s actually electricity that’s coursing through my body.
>>Zelda smirked a little
DED: Smug fucking bitch.
>>at this and sucked harder, wanting to pamper him a little.
Rauru: Maybe she should take him to...I dunno the castle where she used to live?
>>Link tensed a little elicited a low, loud moan.
DED: It’s not just that they misuse that word once, but they just...keep...saying it!
>>"Z-Zel.." he breathed, already beginning to feel his climax build up as she continued sucking, "S-stop, I-I'm going to.."
Zelda: Barf, I’m going to.
Link: “...spew my man-sauce all over your gob!”
Zelda: Like I said...barf.
>>he panted, causing Zelda to get the hint
Rauru: “Stop.” Yeah that’s a real subtle hint. How DID she work that out?
>>and stop her sucking.
DED: Lol get good scrub.
>>She then slowly slid his member out of her mouth, smiling proudly
Zelda: YAAAAY I did a thing!
>>as she wiped some pre-cum off her lips, but Link then suddenly pinned her to the wall.
Link: Well, she is quite a pin-up girl.
>>"Now it's your turn to be pampered.."
DED: ...Uhmmmm...right. Because she certainly hasn’t been pampered at all, up until now.
Zelda: Not by HIM.
>>he smirked. Her eyes widened slightly as she wondered what he was going to do,
Rauru: I mean given Link...brace yourselves, God only knows what he might do next.
>>but suddenly cried out when she felt something wet and slippery, which she was guessing was Link's tongue,
Zelda: Please, oh please let it be that...
>>licking at her clitoris.
Rauru: Nice work, finding that in the dark on your very first attempt.
Link: I’m a sex machine, what can I say?
>>Link grinned and continued licking her,
DED: I failed to grin and continued to sit in the theater.
Zelda: I’m really glad you notified me about the continuance of a preexisting state!
>>sliding his tongue inside her slightly and swirling it around a little
Rauru: You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn it all around...
>>as he teased the nub of her clit
DED: Lololol l2p nub.
>>with his fingers, causing her to cry out in pleasure and buck a little.
Link: Oh God, the bronies are going to be all over this...
>>Link kept up his licking,
DED: Yes, yes, you informed us of his continued licking LITERALLY THE SENTENCE BEFORE THIS ONE.
Zelda: Look, there were a whole bunch of clauses between the beginning of that sentence and the beginning of this one. Anyone could have forgotten by now!
>>wanting to taste more of her.
Rauru: My whole life has been a never-ending quest to taste more things, so I can relate.
Link: Nnnnnno you can’t.
>>She tasted wonderful and sweet like honey spread on top of freshly sliced bread.
Zelda: Pfahahahahahahahaha, right. Sorry, I know it’s MY genitalia we’re talking about here but...just no.
Link: ...Summer’s Eve?
Rauru: No no...true love is a hell of a drug.
>>Zelda panted slightly, eliciting moan after moan
DED: You know what’s really eliciting moans? THIS STORY’S WORD CHOICE.
>>as she felt her orgasm beginning to build up. "L-Link..P-please.. S-stop teasing,
Zelda: “...I’m so sick of your bullshit…”
>>..I-I won't be able to hold back.."
Zelda: “...my rage…”
>>she whined, causing Link to pulled back a little and look up at her
Rauru: Urge to point out darkness...overpowering!
>>as he retracted his wet fingers from her clit.
He smiled softly and then crawled over her, his face hovering over hers.
Link: I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ!
>>"A-are you ready for this Zel..?" he asked softly.
Zelda: Hold on, you're gonna have to be way more specific. Because your track record on unexplained surprises is...poor.
Link: Is this about the reupholstering of the...
Zelda: WHY MUST YOU KEEP REMINDING ME OF THAT?!?
>>Zelda nodded, smiling a bit warmly.
DED: Only a bit?
Rauru: Maybe she does have an air-conditioned closet after all.
>>"Y-yes.." she breathed.
Zelda: "Assuming 'this' is what I'm thinking it is..."
>>Link then positioned his member at her entrance and looked up.
>>"Th-this is going to hurt for a bit
DED: Oh ho ho ho ho, aaaaaaalready has.
Rauru: You’re saying this story’s word usage has already elicited pain?
DED: Why yes I am!
>>and I apologize in advance for it.."
Link: Does this actually work? Hey, Zelda, I apologize in advance for all the idiotic things I will do, forever.
Zelda: Nope, I’m still gonna be pissed.
Link: Oh well, I tried. Imma go smash through the dining room wall so there’ll be a secret passage to the shoe closet.
Zelda: OOOOOH no you don’t!
>>he said softly before slowly
DED: Softly before slowly.
Rauru: Pearls before swine.
Link: Bros before hos.
Zelda: Beer before liquor.
>>beginning to push him inside of her. Zelda bit her lip, indeed beginning to feel some pain
DED: Tell me about it, biting your lip really stings!
>>as she felt Link sliding himself inside of her,
Link: My whole self?
Zelda: That would hurt.
>>but she endured it.
Rauru: Good show old bean.
>>Link continued to slowly push his member in further until he was fully within her.
DED: Within her closet, that is.
>>Zelda winced slightly, but smiled, not wanting to worry Link.
Zelda: Pff, right. I'm under no illusions that he won't just keep blithely doing whatever destructive thing he's doing that's causing me to wince.
Link: Duh. It takes more than just a facial expression to stop me!
Zelda: Don't fucking tempt me.
>>Link smiled back warmly
Rauru: "Your pain makes me all happy inside! :3"
>>and leaned down, kissing her as he moved one hand up to her ear, rubbing it gently.
DED: That's fitting compensation for her ravaged bleeding hymen, right?
>>Zelda moaned softly into the kiss, kissing him back
Zelda: Isn't that...kind of redundant?
>>and then moved her hands to just above his butt, rubbing it gently.
DED: Speaking of redundant...
Rauru: Yeah, this story is really rubbing me gently the wrong way.
>>Link moaned softly and then slowly pulled himself out of her
>>a little ways before gently thrusting back inside her.
>>Zelda elicited another moan into the kiss as did Link.
DED: God, just...what the fuck do they THINK it means? I can't even figure out what word they're trying to use.
>>He continued to thrust inside her, not wanting to go any faster or harder until Zelda said it was okay.
Zelda: Honestly, there are more important things I wish he would get permission for.
Link: So you're saying my unauthorized home improvement projects are worse than me raping you?!
Zelda: Well, I'm not saying NOT that...
>>The princess panted a little and looked up at Link, smiling. "I..I want more.."
DED: There's a surprise.
Zelda: It ain't much I'm asking, if you want the truth.
>>she breathed, causing Link to chuckle a little
Link: "Ha ha ha ha...ha...I don't get it."
>>and thrust a little faster. "As you wish, princess.."
Rauru: I guess this is what they mean by noblesse oblige.
Zelda: No no, this is prima noctae.
Rauru: Is that that special kind of cured ham?
Rauru: Ooooh, no, right, it's pasta with vegetables in it. I sure feel foolish.
>>he kissed her forehead slightly
DED: Forgive me, but...how, exactly? Only using one lip?
>>as she moved her hands up to his hair, gripping it gently. Link then quickened his pace once more,
Link: Initiate...Phase 3.
>>moaning loudly as Zelda tensed a little let out a moan that matched his own.
DED: Wow, harmonic. They must sound like Tibetan monks. Mwowoooommmwowmmmmmnyoowwwwwmmm...
Rauru: Maybe they're trying to match the resonant frequency of the closet door, and shake it off its hinges.
>>He thrust deeper inside of her until he suddenly hit Zelda's G-Spot,
Zelda: What does the “G” stand for?
Link: ...Good. The Good Spot.
Zelda: Well...you aren’t wrong...
>>causing to cry out and shudder in pleasure.
Rauru: For making of the pleasure in get for lust entirely, most excellent!
>>"L-Link.. H-Hit that spot again.. It..It felt really good.."
Link: “Look, it’s like trying to unlock a car with a fucking coat hanger here, give me a sec…”
>>Link nodded and began hitting that spot
Zelda: That really...hits the spot!
DED: Oh, is that the origin of that expression…!
>>each time he thrusted, his climax building up every second.
Rauru: Each second is built up by his climax? What does that even mean?
DED: Whoa hey, I’m the grammar nerd here.
>>Zelda cried out each time he hit it, feeling her own orgasm building up as her toes began to curl. "L-Link, I think I'm going to..!" Link moaned.
Link: Yeah, I often cry out my own name as I orgasm.
>>"A-ah..D-don't worry, I-I'm going to as well..!" he cried out,
Zelda: Oh yes, I'm going to REDACTED!
DED: Radio edit.
>>thrusting and hitting her G-Spot
Rauru: Do you need G-money to apply G-force to the G-Spot?
>>as fast and as hard as he could once more before moaning loudly and finally releasing his climax
DED: This summer on Blu-Ray and DVD!
>>inside of her.
>>Zelda cried out, feeling a sudden warmth fill her womb as he came,
Zelda: Ah, good, I'm sure the princess giving birth to a bastard child fathered by a commoner won't have any negative repercussions.
Zelda: That was sarcasm.
>>triggering her own orgasm as she was unable to hold it back any longer.
Zelda: Also possibly triggering a bloody coup or even a full-blown civil war.
Link: Seriously, what is the big deal?
Zelda: Do you even realize how devastating an unplanned pregnancy would be even if I wasn't teetering on a fantastically complicated and unstable political tightrope?
Link: Look baby, what happens in the closet, stays in the closet.
>>Link collapsed on top of her, not bothering to pull out of her
Rauru: Good to see his self-awareness is up to its usual standard.
Link: What? What?! You PEOPLE and your DEMANDS!
>>and panted heavily as he nuzzled his face into her breasts.
Zelda: Oh great, thanks for fogging up my tits.
>>Zelda smiled softly, gently stroking Link's hair as she panted heavily as well.
Rauru: They ought to be careful, the air supply in that closet might be limited.
>>"Y-you were wonderful, Link.."
Zelda: "...You were wonderful...how could things have gone so wrong?"
>>she kissed the top of his head. Link smiled tiredly.
Link: "Ahhhh, the perfect end to my day...except for the whole locked-in-a-closet thing, I mean."
>>"A-as were you, princess.." he yawned, exhausted from all the "fun"
>>they had just had.
Rauru: I know, remember how they were hurled violently into the closet and locked inside? That was a blast!
>>Zelda giggled softly and nuzzled his cheek, letting out a small yawn as well.
"L-Let's get some sleep.."
DED: Yeah, sure, they can rest easy knowing some guy--a guy powerful enough to effortlessly defeat two of the most powerful individuals in the world--is ransacking their house as we speak.
>>she said tiredly.
Zelda: Oh, right, tiredness, THAT’S why people sleep!
>>"I doubt someone is going to unlock the closet anytime soon.."
Link: That shouldn't be a problem, right? Unless one of us has to poop or something.
DED: Now, hold on, how thick is the wooden door of this closet? Maybe a quarter-inch at most? Surely the legendary Hero of Time has the strength to, I dunno, kick it until it breaks?
Zelda: Nuh-uh, he's broken enough of my furniture already.
>>Link nodded and yawned once more, too tired to answer verbally
Rauru: Now I could see sex being this tiring for, let's say, me. But god damn, they're young and fit...did they just get done with a sleepless two-day marathon of Breaking Bad or something?
DED: That, or the Mysterious Closet Captor is pumping in the knockout gas.
>>and fell into a peaceful sleep with his head still resting on Zelda's breasts.
>>Zelda kissed the top of his head once more before slowly closing her eyes and drifting off to sleep,
Zelda: Hey, could you maybe remove your penis before y...no?...all right, whatever...
>>a small smile evident on her soft pink lips.
DED: Wait, hold on, that’s it?!
Rauru: We never found out who put them in the closet and why! Isn't that just a SLIGHTLY important detail?
DED: Moreover, the fact that they were in the closet had NO RELEVANCE to the story whatsoever! They acted like they could see, the cramped conditions didn’t affect the lovemaking at all…
Zelda: I’m guessing all will be explained in the sequel, “Closet Fun 2: This Means Wardrobe: Clothes Quarters Battle: Countdown to Armoiregeddon,” wherein we bust out of the closet and leave a swath of destruction in our wake as we search for revenge and answers.
Link: I would SO star in that...as long as I got to pose in a banana-hammock, that is.
DED: Ugh. You've seriously elicited my contempt.