Wednesday, July 17, 2013

“By Goddesses’ Orders” by TheArchersBowsHaveBroken

In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space

We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:

Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “I'm always-online DRM."
Rauru! “Caution, wide load!"
Zelda! "Sippin' on gin and juice."
Link! “I'm a sex machine ready to reload!"
If you don’t get how he stays alive                
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!

“By Goddesses’ Orders” by TheArchersBowsHaveBroken

>>"Fi, do you ever get lonely?"

Rauru: “Oh, do I EVER get lonely.”

DED: Oh hey, it’s everyone’s favorite number-crunching paraplegic sat-nav.

>>Link had just broken a long silence,

Zelda: I hope Link slaps her across the face with his cock seven times and then asks her what she calculates the probability of an eighth cock-slap to be.

>>accented by the flickering smoky embers of the campfire

Link: As it spread rapidly out of control!

>>and distant calling of exotic surface birds.

Rauru: Are they exotic for being surface birds? Or are they just common-ass little brown jobs that he’s never seen before because he’s a sky-bumpkin?

Link: Don’t call me no sky-bumpkin.

DED: Aero-yokel?

Link: ...better.

>>"I have no information regarding the term 'lonely' in my memory banks, Master".

Zelda: Really, not even a formal definition? You kind of suck as a companion. I mean compared to Navi, Midna, whatserface from the game I cameoed in...

Link: Tatl.

Zelda: I don’t care. Anyway all of them would know better...heck, even Tingle knows what “lonely” means.

DED: Oh God, more than anyone else I would imagine.

>>Link breathed a light sigh

Rauru: “All right, try and search your databanks for ‘blue balls.’ Cripes.”

>>and looked wistfully into the flames burning not far from his outstretched legs.

DED: “I should burn this whole shithole surface world to the ground,” he thought. “Cleanse it with fire. No one would ever have to know about the genocidal inferno I could commit...”

>>He and his robotic companion

Link: She’s more like a ghost. Robot. Robot ghost...sword...tergeist.

DED: High Fantasy Cortana.

Rauru: What?

>>had been venturing across the Lanayru Desert for days now in search of the next Dragon.

Zelda: Well good luck with that, I’ll try to care while I’m off with Impa doing something unspecific but almost certainly easier than this.

>>This stark landscape was an infinite gorge

Rauru *eating handfuls of Pop-Tarts*: I am at one with the concept...*grumsh numsh nomf* ...of infinite gorge.

>>of vicious sinking sand and colossal dunes,

Zelda: Eugh, sand in places.

>>devoid of all natural life.

DED: And devoid of all Furbys and Tamagotchis as well!

>>He would have felt utterly alone if not for Fi,

Link: And the flying rock-dropping bastard birds and the electric stone nautili.

>>even if she wasn't one for conversation.

Rauru: Since she doesn’t have arms she could only be like...3/5ths of one for conversation to begin with.

>>He tried not to care.

Link: NOT difficult.

>>Stretching each limb thoroughly to achieve maximum comfort for sleep (one of his favourite things of all)

Zelda: Wow, this is a brilliant character study of Link thus far. If he bumps into something expensive while stretching and knocks it into the fire causing it to spread to his own clothes, it’ll be complete.

>>and drawing out a long multi-toned crescendo of a yawn,

DED: *Beethoven’s 5th* Yawn yawn yawn YAWWWWWN...

>>he curled up his limber body and prepared to drift off to the safest place he could be.

Link: the middle of the desert...full of electric nautili and bastard birds. The safest place I could be.

>>However, he could not shake his need for company...

DED: Fox, get this guy off meeee!

Rauru: public offerings...dividends...

>>female company.

Zelda: Oh so like Tampax, or Mary Kay.

Rauru: That's a generalization, I bet there are some homosexual men who work for those companies too.

Zelda: Damn, you're right. I'd forgotten the long arm of the Gay Agenda.

>>But who could he turn to?

DED: For the price of a dime I can always turn to you! 8-6-7-5-3-0-9...

>>He was lost in the middle of a goddess-forsaken desert.

Zelda: Forsaken by the goddess and barren of pussy.

>>Unless... Fi?

Link: Can she actually...exert...physical...force? I thought she was just an intangible chatterbox.

DED: You mean exert physical force with her labia and groin muscles?

Link: Well, for the purposes of this story, yeah. Alls I knows is, she never ONCE offered to help lift anything or give me sexual pleasure.

>>He could not ignore the stirrings of sexual excitement in his nether regions.

Rauru: He probably could if he tried.

Link: Yeah, just lay back and think of electric nautili, the ultimate boner-shriveler.

Zelda: You're really hung up on those enemies.

Link: Fuck those things. Seriously.

Zelda: I'm sure that's a story for another day.

>>He was absolutely itching for satisfaction.

DED: So challenge her to a duel!

>>Opening his right eye just a crack, he spied upon his blue-skinned friend

Rauru: ...err, servitor.

Link: No, she's totally more than that, she's a friend! You know, on the strength of her vibrant personality.

>>for a moment. Her legs were pretty well-shaped and sexy,

Zelda: They’d sort of have to be, she HAS NO ARMS.

>>he supposed, raising an eyebrow at this smutty angle

Rauru: 69 degrees.

Zelda: Sweet cherry pi radians?

>>he was beginning to look at her with.

DED: I’da thought he’d have started ogling much, much sooner.

>>Being an artificial creature, perhaps she wouldn't understand the nature of sex,

Zelda: To be honest, I don’t think most organic lifeforms really understand the nature of sex correctly.

DED: Yes, but does she understand, understand, understand, understand, the concept, the concept of love?

>>but then again,

Rauru: ...RealDolls.  

>>that could make it easier for her to comply...

Link: Yeah, those sex-crazed androids, always easily complying with sex.

>>Feeling a little devious now,

DED: I’ve got a wonderfully Grinchy idea!

>>Link hoisted himself into an upright position and shuffled closer to Fi

Link: Every day I’m shufflin’...

>>with the hint of a mischievous smirk forming on his fair face,

Rauru: That’s a nice, classic adjective there. I approve.

>>looking down into his lap

Zelda: Yeeeeah, that’s the area of interest all right.

>>and twiddling his fingers in thought for a few hesitant seconds.

DED: No, he’s just spinning up the electromagnets in his fingers that power his brain.

>>"Fi, do you remember me talking about being lonely?"

Link: "...Remember when I asked you about loneliness twenty-five seconds ago?"

Rauru: That was literally the LAST THING YOU SAID TO HER! Of course she remembers, she's a ROBOT!

>>Her head inclined in his direction,

Zelda: “Master, I’ve inclined my head at an angle of 17.7 degrees. Is that satisfactory?”

>>her shining blue eyes mirroring his gaze. "Yes, Master. I do".

DED: “You said, ‘Fi, do you ever get lonely?’ And that brings us to the present.”

>>"Well, what I meant by that was,

Link: "You know, let's go for a roll in the h...sand."

>>how a man sometimes needs the company of a woman...

Zelda: "Yes Master, I am familiar with the fact that men are imbeciles and require a woman's constant attention and guidance. How else can one explain my presence here?"

>>it's called sex..."

Rauru: No, people wanting company is called loneliness, it's what you should have told her about BEFORE.

DED: Yeah. And sex is just loneliness combined with irresponsibility.

>>He trailed off the sentence awkwardly,

Link: No need to tell US, we're well aware and rather predisposed to mock already.

>>hoping to find a hint of success in Fi's response.

Zelda: "Bad command or filename."

Link: "Fffffffffuuuuuuuuck!"

Zelda: "Bad command or filename."

>>"I have information in my memory banks regarding 'sex', master".

Rauru: "...It's gross."

>>Link's light-haired brows rose again in interest and he started excitedly.

DED: "I can tell you that sex, or sexual reproduction, is a process of genetically-recombinant chromosome-based procreation that occurs primarily in eukaryotes but is also practiced by prokaryotic life as well. Haploid gamete cells from the--"

Link: *eyebrows flop*

>>"The Goddess Hylia provided me with sufficient information to satisfy the Hero's mortal needs

Rauru: I'm sorry, information? You can't fuck information.

DED: Fi, as far as I can tell, is a holographic intelligent computer program. If he manages to fuck her, I would call that fucking information.

Zelda: Yeah whatever Isaac Spazimov.

Link: Uh huh sure Arthur C. Dorke.

>>should he ever have the desire for a woman on his journey".

Zelda: "However, since I have no knowledge of loneliness, I have no way of knowing when or why the Hero might have such a desire, so I have deleted those protocols as superfluous."

Link: Seriously, a sex-bot that doesn't understand why humans want to be together? Step up your game, Goddess.

>>Link's heart was now beating fast,

Rauru: It IS exciting, exploring the frontiers of human-machine interaction.

>>and a slight bulge was starting to emerge in his pants from the anticipation.

Link: Yes, I often get boners on New Years, and near the top of a roller coaster, and other times of intense anticipation.

Zelda: Most men end up with boners at some point during New Years Eve but it's not from the countdown.

DED: Like I said before: New Years, loneliness, irresponsibility.

Zelda: ...Yup.

>>Fi placed herself in front of him on her knees.

Link: "Uhh, geez, at this point, I wish I knew more about sex..."

>>"Shall I begin, Master?"

Zelda: "I calculate that there is a 99.99% chance that you will say 'yes,' but because I am a robot I have to ask anyway."

>>Those were the magic words.

Rauru: No, the magic words are toroidius glucoseum saturated-fatbrakadabra! *glazed donut pops into existence* Ha haaa! I still got it.

>>In a rush of excited lust,

DED: “Oh, blast, I’m too excited and lusty to actually have sex. Sorry.”

>>Link tore off all his lower garments

Link: Sooooo tunic, socks,, skin. Bone. Marrow.

>>and tossed them aside, presenting the innocent Fi

Zelda: Um, she did say she knows about sex. I’m not sure if that makes her still innocent or not.

>>with a large, throbbing cock,

Rauru: Yes, he keeps a chicken in his underpants.

Link: Didn’t you listen to the list?! NO UNDERPANTS! I’m an advocate for this shit.

>>already showing a drop of precum, fully erect and ready to be serviced.

DED: He even brought a detailed service history, i.e. him bragging a lot.

>>The robot-servant's almost permanently closed mouth now opened mechanically into an ovular shape,

Link: Ooooooohhhhhh dear GOD that’s horrifying. I don’t want a roblowjob.

>>followed by her immediately lowering her head upon her Master's eager shaft

Rauru: “Hey, don’t headbutt my dick!”

>>and sliding the length into her mouth, locking her full blue lips around it tightly.

DED: Incredible...The feeding ramp is polished to a mirror sheen...

>>Link shuddered at the wonderful sensation of her tongue,

Zelda: The wonderful sensation of...Tongue!

Rauru: Tongue: it's what's for dinner. Paid for one really, I'll advertise tongue for for free. So tender...

>>metallic yet soft,

DED: Oh so like...steel wool. That's...less than pleasant.

>>running his length.

Link: Yes with less than a kilometer to go in this marathon we're still in a dead heat...

>>His servant's head began to bob up and down on him rhythmically

DED: What is love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more...doo doo doo doo doo doo...

>>and gradually started to soak his long cock

Rauru: Did she...Super-Soak it?

Link: Man, Fi is nowhere NEAR as cool as a Super-Soaker, especially in a desert.

>>in a thick synthetic saliva

Zelda: THAT's probably not something the author wanted you to think hard about. So let's, shall we?

Link: WhoahohohohmyGod, her nanomachines are all over my dick...!

Zelda: No, just consider the possibility that she can excrete, well, Astroglide out of her mouth.

Link: ...I'm not sure which would be stranger.

>>with each smooth gliding motion.

DED: The loud sound of grinding gears and pistons was less enjoyable however.

>>He gasped in amazement at the wet sensation of pleasure Fi was giving him.

Rauru: Do people usually draw distinctions between the perceived dryness of their pleasures? I ask you this.

DED: Since this is a desert, any wetness to this pleasure is surely tempered somewhat.

>>Wanting more, he grabbed her chest area,

Zelda: Her whole chest area, eh? Her whole chest district? Her whole chest constituency?

Rauru: Yes, her whole chesticalogical region.

>>taking hold of two newly formed breasts topped with hard nipples,

Link: Yo WAT? She can just sprout bosoms out of her chest-area? Why in the hell was that particular feature not just on ALL THE TIME?

Zelda: Can she have teats emerge from...anywhere?

>>metallic like her tongue yet pliable and spongey.

DED: Every boy’s crazy about spongy, pliable breasts.

>>He rubbed and massaged them hungrily –

Rauru: -what he REALLY wanted was for Fi to cook him some food, but she was even more useless at that than at being sexy.

>>squeezing, kneading, pinching and pulling those rock-hard nipples.

Zelda: ...making them LESS hard than the metal they're allegedly made of.

>>His servant made no noise

Link: Oh WONDERFUL. That really helps with the whole uncanniness of it all.

>>but seemed to respond my making her fellatio faster and slicker,

DED: Now even faster! 20% slicker!

>>now completely soaking his stiff length in her artificial liquids,

Rauru: Does she work like the cyborg in Aliens? Because it’d be handy if she could survive being cut in half.

>>so much that they formed pools between his legs which made pleasurable contact with his balls.

Link: Artificial fluid has made contact with my balls. I am boldly going where no man has gone before.

>>Her mouth pounded relentlessly in her mission,

Zelda: Mish comes later.

>>those fixed lips which were so perfectly wrapped

DED: It’s a Christmas miracle!

>>tight around his girth never breaking contact as she orally fucked him,

Link: Oh Zelda is really good at that, buuuuut it’s less the literal and pleasant kind of oral fucking.

Zelda: ...would you LISTEN to me?! I’ve been telling you for ages to get off your lazy ass and bomb some Dodongos, AND the gutters have needed cleaning for ages...

>>harder and faster,

Rauru: Better and stronger.

>>harder and faster,

DED: Piquantly with more zest!

>>receiving the full length of his wet cock down her throat with every thrust.

Link: That’s...more or less in line with what I was expecting, why do I need to be told this?

>>"Fi... Oh, Fi, I'm going to cum!"

Zelda: “Very good, commencing route guidance. Where is it you would like to come to, Master?”

Link: Oh god, you know, you’re right. She can probably keep blathering about robot shit even while her mouth is full of dick. Sound just comes blaring out of that weird Hershey’s Kiss head of hers. This blowjob is hardly WORTH it anymore!

>>Link exploded into his servant's mouth, filling her cavernous space entirely

Rauru: Is she...hollow, or what?

DED: I always thought she was incorporeal. In which case he’d just bust a nut all over the sand, possibly all over where he was thinking of sleeping. But who knows, I guess she’s a robot with cavernous innards. We’re breaking new ground here.

>>with an enormous load of his hot, thick juices.

Link: Hombre Link’s Own Original Hero o’ Time Barbecue Sauce!

Zelda: You mean the mouldering thermos full of jalapeño-flavored Cheetos soaking in tomato juice that you left on the countertop?

Link: Don’t divulge the secret recipe you FOOL!

>>Waves of orgasmic satisfaction pulsed through his body as he released himself entirely into Fi,

DED: Or in other words, waves of orgasmic satisfaction pulsed through his body as he had an orgasm.


>>grabbing the back of her head and forcing his cock deep into her

Zelda: “Come on Master, you have inserted only 5.9286 inches of your 6.1914 inch penis into my oral fucking aperture.”

Link: Yeah, yeah, it’s time I admit I don’t have an exceptionally large penis.

DED: ...wwwhich we all knew already. Not by choice I should add.

Link: ...BUT I bet none of you know the length of your penis to four decimal places.

Zelda: Uh...certainly don’t.

>>until the very last of his semen had been extracted.

Rauru: And so another boom town goes bust. That’s life in the Oooooool’ West!

>>Fi's head slid back off his length, a small waterfall of cum dripping from her mouth,

DED: Gentlemen, behold: Viagra Falls.

>>and she stood.

Zelda: “A charge of 350 Rupees will appear on your bill. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

>>"It appears I have fully satisfied you, Master.

Rauru: “...pathetically enough, that’s all it seems to take.”

>>However, due to the mortal nature of sexual satisfaction,

Link: Whoa hey, I won’t have no undying robot ghost lecturing me about the nature of mortality.

>>I predict a 95% chance that I will be repeating this method again".

DED: ...Never tell me the odds!

Zelda: that the great reference you’d saved for a Fi story?

DED: ...yes.

Zelda: A reference to...what, Han Solo yelling at C-3PO in Star Wars?

DED: ...yeah.

Zelda: That’s pathetic.

DED: That's the PERFECT Fi reference! I said that ALL THE TIME playing this game!

Zelda: ...AND I did call it correctly, the story before last.

DED: BullSHIT!!!

Zelda: Nuh uh. I thought, “what’s some lame reference about Fi that Dave would make?”

>>It was deep dusk in Skyloft.

Link: Later, after I’d given up on the whole exploring of the harsh barren desert and gone home for some pies...

>>The Hero of the Sky was shifting in his bed,

Rauru: Was WHAT in his bed?

Zelda: ShiFting.

Rauru: Oooooohhhhh.

Link: ...into what? Am I an Animorph?

DED: No, you’re changing up a gear. I mean don’t you have one of those racing-car beds?

Link: I wish...they’re all too small for grown-ups...

>>weary yet restless,

Zelda: Is that what happens if you drink Stamina Potions before bed...

>>unable to coerce his mind away from it's stubborn train of thought -

Rauru: Link’s trains of thought are the ancient ridiculous prototype trains that had one enormous pair of wheels in the middle and a top speed of five.

>>the danger ahead...

Link: ...sleeping?!


Zelda: He’s right to be worrying about me.

DED: Worrying for your wellbeing, you mean.

Zelda: Sure.


Rauru: Yes, he stays up all night fretting about responsibility and all day displaying none of it whatsoever.

>>Though mild and unselfish yet,

DED: Yet? As in, still? Are we figuring he’ll become a selfish jerk?

>>deeply driven and courageous when put to the test,

Zelda: ...yet also easily led to distraction by his penis when put to the test, as we've seen.

>>the weight had only stacked and burdneded upon him.

Link: Nuh uh, that game had an actual inventory management system. I was only burdened by as much stuff as I had pouches to put it in.

>>It was the first time in his life that he could not sleep.

DED: Except for all the daytime. When he’s not tired.

>>As he was being cast away in his worries,

Zelda: Ah, sailing away on a sea of troubles...

Rauru: It’s like the results of an anti-spa.

>>Fi suddenly sprung from his sword

DED: “Fi” suddenly sprung from his “sword.”

>>in a delicate flurry of blue, causing the hero to snap back to reality at full attention.

Link: YES! Yes. Back to reality. Aye aye, captain! I’m totally back in the moment, in reality, the Jerries are going to get it now! The sonar’s picked up...

>>"Master, I am sensing that you are lonely.

All: WHAT?!

Zelda: There was only one piece of continuity in this story so far. ONE!


DED: Wait, wait. I'm reading her patch notes here, she got a firmware update for loneliness in between chapters.

>>My mood sensors indicate that there is am 85% chance that you are in need of comfort".

Zelda: “My boner sensors show your penis to be 85% engorged as well. And by analyzing the blood sample I just took...”

Link: “Ow!”

Zelda: “...I detect that arousal endorphins are above normal averages.”

>>Eighty-five percent was close enough.

Rauru: “Eeeeeehhh, I guess there’s a 15% chance I don’t want comfort, but what the hey, weight of the odds.”

Link: No, this is terrible, this is fucked up. You’re letting her probabilities control how you think, now.

Zelda: You’re letting her do that.

Link: That’s what I said.

Zelda: Y--never mind.

>>Link nodded morosely and Fi drifted to his side in response.

DED: Time for some mopey-sex.

>>Skyloft's Hero clung to her waist, breathing deep sighs of great angst.

Link: “Oh GOD, it’s so horrible lying here in bed with you!”

>>He needed some kind of initimate physical contact for reassurance,

Rauru: There there, surely the fact that your robot sex slave is here to comfort you means that...danger, and Zelda, and responsibility...won’t be so...bad...?

>>and Fi was human enough

Zelda: Human ENOUGH.

DED: It’s genuinely interesting to me that he feels that way.

>>to provide him with that. The robotic spirit

Rauru: Ah HA! So she IS a spirit. But also metallic. And has spongy flesh.

>>simply lay in her calm silence for an age,

Link: “Oh this is GREAT, really, does the boner poking you in the butt mean NOTHING to you?”

Zelda: “Master, by internalizing the concept of loneliness I have become less efficient in some other areas, such as recognizing the presence of a boner. At the moment my boner-inference ability is only at 12.5% efficiency...”

Link: “ARGH!”

>>simply accepting her master's embrace.

DED: And just doing THAT is using up all her processing power.

>>Then she spoke.

Rauru: Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears!

>>"Master, I am also sensing that your mortal needs must be taken care of soon.

Zelda: These aren’t his mortal needs. Those are a certain range of air temperature, water, and nutrients.

DED: I have gone my whole life not needing an armless tart to snuggle with. I mean I'm an empty husk of a man, twisted by bitterness, but I didn't need one.

>>There is a 70% chance that you are currently feeling aroused or are in need of female service".

Link: Wow, shut the fuck up bitch, I know how horny I am.

>>Another sigh escaped the young hero.

Rauru: That's the fourth this month, down to twenty-eight head o' sigh now...

>>She was certaintly a mind-reader, that was for sure.

Zelda: Looking at a man and saying there's a 70% chance he wants to have sex is not mind-reading.

>>But he was apathetic,

DED: Can’t be BOTHERED with sex...although Fi sort of makes that sound reasonable.

>>and in his mind not ready to exert himself,

Link: But my body is ready?

Rauru: Your mind’s letting it down as ever.

>>so he queried a more convinient option.

Zelda: More convenient than the fellatio she did earlier? That required pretty minimal effort.

>>"Fi... May I... Just kind of, tease you a little?

Link: Wow, I’m just trying to picture Midna having that desire and actually asking permission to tease. I’m a more considerate lover to my pet robot than Midna, a hideous imp with nothing going for her, is to me, the best guy ever.

>>I mean, just stay where you are and don't do anything".

DED: Ahh, a line that a hundred movie good guys have said to their bumbling but endearing comic partners. Often followed up with, “And whatever you do, don’t...”

>>"Of course, Master", Fi responded swiftly,

Zelda: “Having spent millennia doing nothing awaiting your arrival, I shall have little difficulty doing so for a few minutes while you grope me.”

>>falling back into her deep-ocean silence of blankness that she often carried around her.

Link: “Your complete absence of reaction is sort of, um, ruining my naughty foreplay. Could you maybe...enjoy this more? Or...not enjoy this more?”

Zelda: “I detect a 65% chance that my emotionlessness is killing your boner. Unfortunately, the human concept of feigned emotion is incompatible with with my core logic seeds.”

>>Link weaved his hands, formerly fair, now toughened from battle and rough as old bark,

Rauru: That’s good, because certainly a hero cannot be fair of face AND hand.

>>up to Fi's chest, where he met the delicate rise of her breasts

DED: And their high-quality, corrosion-resistant chromium coating.

>>and started to press upon her nipples with his fingertips.

Rauru: She’s a robot, I wonder if those are buttons that do something.

Zelda: “Oh yes, oh yes Master, repeatedly actuate my chest-mounted interface knobs!”

>>In her unprepared state, they were tender and pliable,

Link: Ripe for the conquering!

>>so the hero rubbed them gently,

DED: Seemed the thing to do at the time, really.

>>flicked them with his fingertips, pinched them - teasing them in many ways,

Rauru: Framed them for petty crimes, stole their identity on social media...

>>with no complaints.

Zelda: And no approval and no arousal or sadness or love or joy or fear or any emotion or life whatsoever.

>>The rising bulge in his pants went ignored.

DED: Truly he does have a hero’s invincible iron will.

>>Fi piped up again, to his surprise.

Link: It’s NOT a fuckin’ surprise anymore.

>>"Master, I must remind you that your needs are urgent


>>and your impulses are rising at a steady rate. I recommend that you use my body in accordance to this".


Zelda: “Nya nya nah nah blah blah, Master. Na na na na na na na na nya nya nya nya, 90% chance of blah.”

>>She was right.

Rauru: I may be crazy, but it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for...

>>And Link gave in.

Link: Don’t blame ME, blame my slutty robot.

>>In a spark of lusty imagination, he questioned,

DED: “...What’s the square root of boobs?”

Zelda: The square root of 80085 is approximately 293, for what it’s worth.

>>"Well, there's something I want to do...

Rauru: Uhh, I think she’s got your number there, boss.

>>but Fi, you'd need to be... a little bigger".

DED: “Girls under five-foot-six just don’t do it for me.”

>>He indicated towards her chest timidly. "There, I mean".

Zelda: “Very well Master, I will expand the surface area of my chest by creating an array of microscopic fractal ridges in my flesh.”

>>"That is acceptable, Master",

Link: The fuck you say, “acceptable?” You should be DELIGHTED with the new cup size I have ordained for you! DELIGHTED!

>>the servant responded, and in a single smooth motion, Fi's breasts enlarged,

Rauru: I’d by THAT for a dollar! HYOOOO!

>>growing rounder and more protrudent right before his eyes

DED: I wouldn’t expect his eyes to be on anything else, honestly.

>>so that they poked shyly through her sheets of cloth.

Zelda: Oh I’m sure she’s very shy about her enormous breasts.

>>"Please do as you will, Master".

DED: That’s sort of what being the Master lets

>>Something triggered in the hero,

Link: "FINALLY, she's started being obedient after such a long period of willfulness."

>>and he immediately turned to uncover her glorious orbs,

Rauru: Tonight on the History Channel, part four of our nine-part look at the globus cruciger, "Uncovering the Glorious Orbs."

>>then saddled himself on top of her chest

Zelda: With an actual saddle?

>>before stripping his tricky undergarments furiously.

Link: See, SEE, undergarments are tricky and infuriating. That's why I have renounced them and their lies, hencetoforthwith.

>>Link's rigid cock sprung from his tights, standing stiff in full glory

Zelda: Based on my expert analysis, I'd give it about twenty glorions.

Link: What are those? Is twenty good?

Zelda: Well, the glorion is the standard unit of majesty among monarchs. My throne room for instance registers about 150,000 glorions, buuuut...twenty is a good amount for a penis!

Link: Come on, my cock is plenty majestic, you could at least give me twenty-one.

>>above Fi's head. His servant's glassy azure gaze glinted with a trace of something very close to eagerness

Rauru: Fi's fake artificial synthetic enthusiasm substitute product, even better than the real thing.

>>at the sight of her master's cock,

DED: Isn't that the one with the terrier listening to a phonograph?

>>dripping with precum and ready to be serviced.

Zelda: Good thing the Goddess isn’t some prude that objects to casual sex all the time.

Rauru: She’s probably not thrilled with his pace, though.

>>The hero lowered himself unsteadily,

Link: Ooo, now is a bad time to suddenly have an existential crisis about this whole robot-sex thing.

>>his legs shaking from the excitement,

Zelda: Oh, like when you scratch a dog’s belly and his leg twitches. Yeah, Link does that. And he chases squirrels in his dreams.

>>and slid his thick shaft between the newly enlarged metallic breasts of his servant.

DED: I'm still trying to get my head around Fi's scalar breasts. Does she have to redistribute mass from elsewhere to turn into boobs? Or does she violate the laws of physics and create matter from nothingness?

>>Her plump curves

Rauru: Metal can't be described as "plump." That just doesn't gel, man.

>>felt like spongy plates of warm glass against his cock,

Link: And who wouldn't want THAT?

Zelda: So let's try and get this straight: Fi is a robot spirit with cavernous innards who's made of plump metal that feels like spongy plates of warm glass.

>>their grip tight and unyielding. Link grabbed hold of these wonderfully solid breasts

DED: Tangible breasts are definitely preferable.

>>and began to pump away between them,

Zelda: Off in his own little world...

>>his length rubbing from top to bottom

Link: I know that length is the dong characteristic of most pertinent interest, but it has width and depth as well.

>>against the soft glassy domes clamping him.

Rauru: “Soft glassy dome clamps” sounds like schizophrenia to me.

>>The pleasure caused the hero to begin oozing precum generously,

DED: Y'see, sometimes generosity is unwanted.

>>which spread along his cock and polished the tough surface of Fi's breasts,

Zelda: He should really just try some waxing compound.

Link: What, to lubricate my dick while tittyfucking her?

Zelda: No, to actually polish her. I mean think about it, she and her sword are ancient, she's probably got tarnish.

>>slickening his powerful thrusts more and more

Rauru: I'm fairly sure that slickening isn't actually a real word, or at least not one that people ever actually say.

DED: If it's not a word, I have to say, it's perfectly cromulent.

>>as he continued fucking his servant harder and faster.

Rauru: The good news is that even if the lubricant breaks down and friction starts heating everything up, her metallic finish will resist temperatures up to 2000 degrees centigrade. His dick could be an actual piston from a V-8 engine and he could still TF her without incident.

>>Seeking more pleasure, Link

Link: ...left.

>>used his free index fingers and thumbs

DED: His left index finger remained under house arrest and did not participate.

>>to rub Fi's hard unmoving nipples

Zelda: Doesn't that sound SO rewarding?

>>against their tips in little circles. His servant remained silent against the pleasure,

Rauru: Look, that's kind of a deal-breaker. If your wife or girlfriend remained utterly silent throughout sex, you'd think she was waging psychological warfare against you!

>>but returned her master's favour

Zelda: A man rubbing his penis between my breasts isn't "doing me a favor."

DED: Or "favour" as the heathen foreign author would have it. Look, rest of the world, only America knows how to do England's language correctly!

>>by letting her metallic tongue slip free

Link: Did she extrude a new tongue through a die press or something, or does she actually have a tongue all the time?

>>and began lapping hungrily at the curved end of Link's length,

Rauru: If I had a ham sandwich for every time an author in one of these stories used the term hunger metaphorically...

Link: ...yes?

Rauru: ...I'd have enough ham last me...until...

Zelda: ...

Rauru: ...dinner time!

DED: Oh.

>>tasting the eager liquids

Link: Eagerness is not a property of the liquids. Just no.

>>which still dripped plentifully from there.
The slimy stroking sensation

DED: ...that's swiftly sweeping the nation?

>>urged Link to fuck her orbs

Rauru: Man FUCK yo' orbs. They ain't even SHIT.

>>of gilded jelly-like substance

Zelda: Gilded? Like with gold?

DED: That's pretty unlikely, yeah.

Zelda: GOOOOOOOOOOLD! EHEHEHEHEHEHEHE! There's GOLD in them thar hills!

Link: Why are you ranting like a crazed grizzled prospector? You already own most of the world's gold supply.


>>wilder than ever before.

Rauru: They are two wild and crazy guys.

>>He plunged into her tight breast-tunnels vigurously,

DED: Vigor please.

>>pounding and pounding with his thick, wet cock in smooth, slick thrusts,

Link: That phrase was wonkier than piloting a helicopter while wearing foam “We’re #1” hands. And I should know, because when--

Zelda: --LEAVE IT...

>>harder and harder and harder -


DED: Did you know you can actually fracture your penis? Even though there’s no bones, if your boner gets violently jammed the cartilage can be rupt--


>>"Ungh... Oh... O-oh Fi... Aaaaunghh!"

Rauru: “C-curse...yoooooouuu!!!”

>>With a final stab between her breasts,

DED: From Hell’s black heart, I stab at thee!

>>Link shuddered in the transcendent bliss of orgasm,

Zelda: Let’s note here that Fi hasn’t gotten pleasure in this story at all yet, and probably just fucking can’t.

>>waves of pleasure coursing through his whole body

Link: Focused mainly around the dickhole region, though.

>>as his throbbing cock clenched to release

Zelda: Weapons free! Fire at will!

>>and shot hot pulses of thick, gooey semen over the chest and neck of his servant.

Rauru: Just another day at Thomas Jefferson's place! HYOOOOOOOO!

DED: Man, a Sally Hemmings joke? Too soon.

>>Shot after shot of his cum projected

Link: Ifff you say so story.

>>and splashed over Fi's steely blue skin

DED: You know those people with unnatural lusts for their guns? It's like that.

>>until his last drops fell from the tip.

Zelda: "Thank you for that genetic payload, Master. I will sequence and store your genome in case of future necessity."

>>Looking down, Link was slightly stunned to see that he had coated Fi all over in his translucent whitish substances,

Link: ...why...why is that at all a surprise...?

>>with no words of complaint from the robot-servant.

Rauru: Then again, since she's incapable of emoting, I think it would be a bigger surprise if she did complain.

>>He simply smirked at her modesty.

Zelda: How exactly, with her semen-soaked expanding pillow-boobs, is she being modest at this point?

>>She was possibly the most perfect sword-spirit he could have asked for.

Link: Okay, she can grow bosoms for tittyfucking purposes, but that doesn’t make her perfect. I mean I can think of a LOT of things she's missing: surface-to-air missiles, flashing lights and a siren, a bullhorn, a can opener, a Magic 8-Ball module, powered take-off...

Zelda: But she is a robot spirit with glassy plump metal domes who's cavernous inside and has scalar breasts and a modular blowjob mouth with integrated Astroglide dispenser.

Link: That's not enough, I want to spec her up! Racing stripes, extra fingers, undercarriage lighting, net launchers, drinks dispenser...

Rauru: A man can dream.


  1. I read all your stuff back when you were on Geocities and I was so disappointed when that was all taken down. I'm so excited to see that you're still writing! You're fucking hilarious!

  2. More. Please. These are amazing!