Friday, July 5, 2013

“Ice Queen” by izzythefuzzy

In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space

We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:

Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “Ever vigilant, always recording."
Rauru! “Get behind me doctor!"
Zelda! “You've tried all the rest, now try the princess!"
Link! “Even I don't understand me!"
If you don’t get how he stays alive                
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!

>>“Is this why you're here? To mock me and my people?”

DED: Whyyyyyyyy...YES IT IS!

Zelda: It’s like it’s our job or something!

Rauru: As we established last time, you’re up here in space hiding from your REAL job.

>>The Queen of Hyrule was already in a foul mood

Zelda: Yes, I am.

Link: Is it my fault again?

Zelda: Amazingly, no. It’s more royalty stuff. Ruto’s finally placated but now I’ve got to sort out my chamberlain and my master-of-arms because they come from feuding bloodlines and they hate each other but I need them to stop fighting because they’re both irreplaceable and furthermore one of them has territorial claims on the other that he’s just itching to...

Link: Can the Game of Thrones bullshit, talk about stuff that everyone cares about.

Zelda: Oh sure, why don’t YOU give us some riveting conversation.

Link: ...wasn’t NEARLY fast enough! So I got to thinking, “What if you had an engine AND the wheels had rockets?” Naturally that would mean...

>>when she entered her private bedchamber after a long day of paper work,

Rauru: Yeah that sounds REEEEEEEEEAL hard.

DED: Writing IS hard! It must be or else my life has no meaning! It DOES have meaning, it does it does it DOES!

>>sitting upon a desk in a gloomy library.

Zelda: There's nothing wrong with my library.

Link: 'Cept it's full of books and shit. Like, why read about stuff like "static electricity" and "accidental self-impalement" when you can just go find out about those things yourself?

>>She was just starting to think about a hot bath

Rauru: And then a hat and, moments later, about bumblebees.

Link: Hey well done, you didn’t mention food at all in that list.

Rauru (eating a cotto salami): *nom scarf* Oh dash cuzsh I got dish cotto shlami t’eat *grom nom*

>>when she'd stumbled upon the very last person she'd expected to see in the world.

Zelda: Christian Slater.

DED: Dante Alighieri.

Link: Mister Rogers.

Rauru: Alan Alda.

DED: George Washington.

Zelda: Jesus.

Rauru: Henry Kissinger.

DED: Little Richard.

Link: Midna.

DED: ...Dude, fuck. Spoilers.

Link: I...wait, shit, really? But she left forever back to the hellhole that she came from. Like we even made sure that the Twilight Realm could never again be accessed by--

DED: More spoilers!

>>In her bedchamber.

Zelda: Wow that changes...everything?

Rauru: Oh my goodness, that strongly suggests that erotic activities will take place. Or maybe they’re very sleepy, who knows.

>>“Far from me the notion of insulting Your Highness.'' Was the nonchalant reply of the smirking Twili


Link: Okay, okay, but that really was a sensible answer considering how we banished her forevermore to stalk our realm no longer.

>>sitting on Zelda's very bed in that very instant.

Zelda: All right Midna you are WAY out! WWWWWWWWWWWWAY OUT!

>>''I was just noting the ease with which I've made my way through to here,

DED: True to condescending intolerable bitch form, Midna.

>>considering the Royal Knights and... I better stop right here.''

Zelda: So you killed all my knights in the process of breaking and entering. Is that supposed to be sexy to me?

>>She did not end her former train of thought, already noticing the Light Queen's piercing stare.

Rauru: Hang on, which one was the actual Twilight Princess?

DED: I think it’s actually meant to be ambiguous, since both Zelda and Midna are sort of candidates at one point or another.

Link: I know which can I'd date, if you know what I mean.

Zelda: I...don’t?

>>How in the heavens did you even get here...?''

Rauru: “Well, there was a looooooooooot of blood spilled let me tell you.”

>>She blurted out, finally realizing just who it was before her, and what it meant.

DED: But if you’re HERE, then it must be your body double that Renaud killed in Shanghai! CURSE YOUR SUBTERFUGE! WHERE ARE THE TAPES?!

>>''The mirror... you said...''

Rauru: Ah that's right, I distinctly remember Midna saying right as the portal closed, "You haven't seen the last of meeeeeeeeee!"

>>''Aaah yes, I believed it myself when the mirror shattered but,

DED: “...welp, here we are.”

>>as it were, there are other ways to get around in this land of yours.''

Link: ...round round...

Zelda: ...get around...


>>Midna explained, stretching languidly for a moment before regaining her composure.

Rauru: Wait a second, she said she can get around "in this land." But no one's interested in how to get around in THIS land, people do that all the time.

Zelda: Right, what we want to know is how she GOT to this land and why all of the safeguards that were supposed to stop her from doing that have failed.

>>Zelda wasn't sure if the double-entendre

DED: Je l'entend only once I'm afraid.

Zelda: I kind of wish I hadn't heard it at all, TBQH. Let alone hearing it double.

>>had been on purpose or not...

Link: Isn't the whole point of dirty talk DON'T know the intent?

>>and to be honest, she was extremely confused

Rauru: That sort of confusion often seems to lead to sex.

Zelda: Yeah, in a lot of these stories the prime seduction technique is just, "show up."

Link: ...well it's a place to start...

>>as to the what and why and how.

DED: Okay, fair enough, "when" and "where" are fairly well sorted out.

>>Just what was going on here?

Rauru: Impending lesbianism.

DED: I mean let's not...beat around the bush, here. Cough.

Zelda: Now that was a double entendre.

>>''Why didn't you present yourself properly at court?

Link: "Or, really, in general?"

>>We would have welcomed you the way a Queen should be.

Zelda: With booze, and servant boys!

Rauru: You've got more than enough booze.

Zelda (uncorking a magnum of champagne): Hell yeah, now that I've killed enough of Ruto's extended family to make my political point, the assassin budget has been successfully...*dook* *dook* *dook*...reallocated.

Link: Well I don't see any servant boys.

Zelda: *coughs, looks around theater*

>>You have much to tell me.''

Link: "No, not really."

Rauru: "I'm just here to drop off some sex."

>>Zelda said gently, the initial shock gone and replaced by

DED: ...seething, seething rage. The seethingest!

>>wonder and even relief

Link: WHAT?!? Okay, at best, AT BEST, the return of Midna would warrant a sort of beleaguered, "Here we go again...!" reaction.

Zelda: Personally, I think "begone" would be my immediate thought.

>>at seeing the Shadow Queen again.

DED: Ah HA! This isn’t bite-sized Midna, this is the shadow-hottie I mentioned like four years ago when we MST’d that one story with her in it that I seem to have misplaced.

Zelda: I’m not...eager to relive those memories, honestly.
>>''Aye. Why, I do wonder, huh?''

DED: Wait, she...wonders, why she has...much to tell Zelda?

Zelda: Because there's stuff I don't...know?

>>At this she slowly stood up and made her way to the younger Queen.

Rauru: I wonder if Midna is like a thousand years old. I also wondered if various parts of her are edible, but I won't rehash that.

DED: I'd be glad if you didn't.

Rauru: Yes, could serve her with hash, yes...perhaps succotash...

>>Standing close to each other, face-to-face,

Link: ...when you're living cheek to cheeeeek!

Zelda: ...scissoring?

Link: Yeah, stand by for that.

>>one could easily notice the tallness of the Twili woman,

DED: Iiiiiiif there were anyone else here to notice it.

>>towering a couple inches taller than Zelda.

Zelda: Yes, TOWERING over me by a couple of inches.

Rauru: Most towers ARE at least a couple of inches taller than Zelda, so it's a good analogy.

>>Her piercing, fiery red eyes for a moment melting with ice blue's.

DED: Straight up, I have actual no idea what is trying to be said here.

>>''I'm very well aware of what you thought.

Link: I'm not, what was it?

>>It was obvious in your eyes, Zelda.

Rauru: I see it in your eyes, take one look and die! I don't share your greed, the only card I need is...

Zelda: ...the ace of spades?

Rauru: ...the soft-serve frequent customer card.

>>But that's not how it is. It may have been, but not anymore.''

All: ...


Zelda: "Elipsis-what" indeed!

>>Funny how she exactly knew what Midna was saying,

Link: Yeah but WE DON'T!

>>but she couldn't let go of that mask just now,

Rauru: It would be most dreadfully inconvenient mnyes...

>>even though parts of it seemed cracked already.

Zelda: If it had been in mint condition your mask could be worth several thousand Rupees but I'm afraid with the cracks, I must appraise it as worthless. Next on Antiques Roadshow, this delightful wooden mallard decoy...

>>She had to play the fool,

DED: How strange or odd soe’er she bears herself, as she perchance hereafter shall think meet to put an antic disposition on?

All: ...

DED: Hamlet, Act I Scene IV lines 923-925, where Hamlet decides to act crazy?

All: …

DED: In order to find out more information about his treacherous uncle? Play the fool? Reference?

Rauru: ...I had a really good Cornish pasty the other day.

DED: USELESS, all of you!

>>she had to believe it really wasn't what she thought it was all about, but-

Zelda: Whoashit, Midna wants her money back.

>>''Goddesses, Link was always around, I never had a chance.

Link: ...I was always AROUND, because you were RIDING MY BACK!

>>The boy's kind but way too clingy.''


DED: Let's go to the S.O. in Link's life for a verdict on clinginess.

Zelda: ...Clingy isn't the right word for Link.  It' I fell in love with an enormous stupid tiger trained in home defense. You no longer need worry about a certain few problems, but your solution creates many more problems every day.

Link: Awwww. And you're my enormous bitch!

Zelda: What?!

Link: ...Like, you're the enormous girl my enormous boy tiger.

Zelda: Female tigers are called tigresses.

Link: Whatever.

>>At this Midna lightly chuckled,

Rauru: "Heh heh heh heh, I used him for all he was worth and then kicked his loyal and devoted ass to the curb."

>>and only gave Zelda time to blink

Zelda: Well, you know, thanks for that at least.

>>before her lips was down on hers, locking in an hungry,

Rauru: You know, I am! (starts eating peanut butter cups)

>>bruising kiss.

DED: Kissticuffs.

Zelda: Kissed of the North Star.

Link: Kissed by a Rose. No, wait, that's the...actual name of the song. Bollocks.

>>Only when Zelda's back touched the great oaken door did she realize

Rauru: That it was really too big, for the room, you know? Too impractical, and gaudy, really. And she hadn't gotten any new tapestries fitted in ages, those old things were so dusty and not even fashionable anymore...

>>she had been pushed, albeit lightly,

Link: ...this was no suicide!

>>by the Twili woman. Or had she been the one backing away?

DED: Well I don't know, am I supposed to care?

>>The initial shock was gone

Zelda: Um, replaced with a new and different shock?

>>and the Queen of Hyrule was as confused and dizzy as she had ever been.

Rauru: She’s always confused and dizzy?

Zelda: Ever since Link moved in, really.

>>This wasn't war, or alliances or trials.

Link: It’s just Midna, as usual, crossing all of your boundaries and disrespecting your personal space.

>>She truly did not know what to do.

Zelda: What? Bullshit, I’d know exactly how to exploit Midna’s sudden appearance and her attraction to me for my own ruthlessly efficient geopolitical goals.

Link: Believe it. I mean she effortlessly folded me, in all my craziness, into her vast web of lies and realpolitik.

Zelda: It’s not all bordello management and jolly alcoholism, you know. Being royalty means you have to be better at espionage than James Bond and better at psychological warfare than Hannibal Lecter.

>>Strange feelings awakened inside her

DED: Disgust on a whole new level consumed her! It is a good pain!

>>and for a moment she felt like a child again.

Rauru: I don’t even WANT to know what about this is reminding her of her childhood.

>>While this was certainly new to her,

Link: I were reeeeeeeeeally drunk on Spring Break.

Zelda: Gosh, did I make out with any girls during...all those bits I don’t remember...uhhh...which Spring Break do you mean?

Link: ...all...of...them?

>>she knew the Gerudo to practice such behaviours between themselves

DED: Oh yeah they practice it a lot, and then they’re phenomenal when they do it for real.

>>and while it was certainly wrong...

Rauru: Reproductively, it is a waste of time. Morally...I dunno, it’s not eating so I fail to see what the big deal is.

Zelda: I see, indifferent on lesbians. A rare view of Rauru’s social policies. What about lesbians marrying?

Rauru: Much the same, actually.

DED: And how about assisted suicide?

Rauru: ...nnnnnnope, don’t care about it as much as food.

Zelda: Okay, I think I see how this is going to go.

>>well, how could this be wrong, actually?

Link: Come ON, this is a national security nightmare! As your national security advisor I advise you to detain Midna before you bang her senseless to find out everything she knows, and also to invite me when you do.

Rauru: What do you mean, you're Zelda's national security advisor?

Zelda: Um...I had to put him on the payroll as something and that's the job I feel best describes his role as world-shattering catastrophe insurance.

DED: But really, he's more like a B52 bomber carrying a nuke than a person with a job.

Link: Deterrence. I'm for peaceful purposes!

Zelda: That's a good point. Maybe I should have you reclassified as military equipment.

>>She tried to think...

DED: ...But she just kept remembering all those accursed funny cat pictures!

>>and while it was getting harder

Rauru: ...and harder with every finger of whiskey she sucked down...

Zelda: ...I had to keep drinking to kill the PAIN of my fat and unfunny co-presenters.

Rauru: Haha Dave, she called you fat and unfunny.

DED: ...

Rauru: Y...oh.

>>she still remembered for a second her early father's death,

Link: What? No, if he's dead he's your late father, even I know THAT...

>>her mother having died while bringing her forth into this world.

Zelda: So being kissed by Midna reminds me of the fact that my mother died in childbirth and my father died not long thereafter. Yeah, I sort of figured she wouldn't exactly be turning me on.

DED: Midna does rather put you in mind of the grave, dunnit? In a kind of longing, "foolproof-escape-from-Midna" sort of way.

>>Zelda the Princess hadn't been around for very long,

Rauru: I know, didn't she just get home from work?

>>while Zelda the Queen had been there for a very, very long time.

Link: Which reminds me, Princess, why haven't you planted a dagger in your old man's back and seized the reins of power yourself?

Zelda: I could never kill my dad.

DED: ...What's the real reason?

Zelda: Let's just say I'm better off with him alive.

Link: But the reins...

Zelda: *cough*puppetstrings*cough*

>>And truth be told,

Rauru: ...I've already lost interest!

>>for all the confidence she'd prided herself of having, it all crumbled away with that kiss.
Zelda: Well that's it, she's ruined me.

>>A slender hand snaked around Zelda's waist

DED: Hands can't snake around waists, it's your arm that's snaking.

Link: Yeah, your hand isn't a snake, it's...five worms attached to a...turtle. No, that's a terrible analogy.

>>and even with her eyes closed she could feel Midna's other hand flat against the door beside her.

Rauru: Yes but...feeling something doesn't require you to open your eyes in any way...

>>She heard the 'click' of the door as she locked it.

DED: Locking her in...from the side they're both on...won't really work.

Zelda: She's not keeping me in, she's keeping the janitors and paparazzi out. You know, the reason the door HAS a lock.

DED: Ohhhh, I see, I wasn't expecting Midna to be so considerate of your privacy. I figured she was going to leave the door unlocked and ajar and invite every smelly passerby who comes to investigate the moans to join her in ruining Zelda's reputation and self-esteem.

Link: No, it seems to be that Midna only gets off on treating me that way.

>>Startled, Zelda broke the kiss

Zelda: No, being startled and breaking something is Link’s department.

Link: *CRASH* GAH! Why did you startle me with that sentence while I was handling your priceless crystal goblet?


Rauru: Heh heh heh, “handling your goblet.” I BET, RIGHT.

Link: Haha yeah, you weren’t complaining when I was handling your goblet last night in the secret sex grotto under the...

Zelda: Shut up! Especially about the secret sex grotto!

DED: We all know about your sex grotto already.

Zelda: YEAH, you know about ONE sex grotto...

>>and gave her a questioning look, lightly panting.

DED: But she wears a dress.

>>Midna only looked at her with those fiery eyes,

Rauru: The ones in her trusty eyeball jar that she collected from the heads of her enemies? Or the ones in her head?

>>the lust apparent in them as she gave that impish smirk.

Link: Really the lust was obvious when she appeared in Zelda’s bedroom and kissed her in the mouth I'd say.

>>''Oh? So it seems you're really new to this, aren't you?''

Zelda: "Indeed, no one but you has yet been mad and foolish enough to try this."

>>She whispered, and Zelda could almost taste the spice on her breath,

DED: Well, you know what they say about he who controls the Spice.

>>so enticing, almost...

Link: ...radical...

>>forbidden. Surely forbidden.

Zelda: Um, excuse me, I'm in charge of what's forbidden.


Link: ...who cares?

>>''No! I mean... Is-''

Rauru: “Is on deli meats still going...on?”

>>Was the Queen of Hyrule really stuttering right now?

Zelda: Midna-rape is an excuse!

Link: Ha ha! How’s it feel to have someone other than ME on the receiving end of that?

>>She suddenly felt helpless,

DED: She should reassure herself by raising taxes and beheading some dissidents.

>>and too vulnerable to her liking.

Link: More importantly, who’s the mole that’s working with Midna to get her in?

>>She wasn't used to this.

Zelda: Still awkward after all these years.

>>She was the Queen, let the weak have fear and doubt,

Rauru: And cake. Let them eat cake!

DED: Shouldn’t that be Zelda’s line?

Rauru: You sound upset, Dave. You should eat cake!

DED: Oh never mind.

>>but she couldn't afford it.

Zelda: What?! There's nothing I can't afford!

>>Not when so many people looked up at her for guidance.

Link: Look up at her?

DED: Perhaps she sends semaphore messages from the top of the castle.

Rauru: I can just imagine that now, with a group of peasants gathered around the one smart guy in town who can decode the message. “” “GET ON WITH IT!!!”

>>In a flash, the shock was completely gone

Zelda: Yeah for like the third time now.

>>and her mind felt

DED: ...the SEEEEEEETHINGEST rage that ever seethed!

>free from the fog that had enshrouded it.

Rauru: With the fog of her three-martini supper sliding neatly in to replace it.

>>''Get away from me! What do you think you're doing?'' She said angrily while trying to shove the other Queen away.

All: *round of applause*

>>That didn't work out very well,

Link: ...well she TRIED!

DED: Yeah, good show! Stand up to that crepuscular bitch.

>>and only caused Midna to tighten her grip on Zelda's slender waist,

Zelda: She’d better not pinch any flab.

Link: Cushion...for the pushin’.

Zelda: Shut UP!

>>holding her wrist with her other hand.

Rauru: So they’re in...waltzing stance.

>>''That's more like the Zelda I know.''

DED: “Hateful towards me, intolerant of my harrassment...”

>>Midna whispered with that same evil smirk,

Link: Yes, yes. We’ve all figured out the plot twist whereby Midna, and not Zant or Ganondorf, is the real villain of Twilight Princess.

DED: I’m not...entirely sure that’s canon.

Link: Yeah well I'm entirely sure you should SHUT UP. Midna is the fucking devil.

>>in a voice that made Zelda feel suddenly very warm.

Zelda: Damn it Midna, it's bad enough that you keep breaking into my house, but then you mess with the thermostat too. I’m not made of money, I only sleep on piles of it! Put on a sweater if you're cold!

>>In one swift move Midna turned around,

Rauru: That is impressive.

>>effortlessly bringing

Link: Yeah, I can't imagine Midna expending actual effort on anything, either.

>>a fighting Zelda with her as she made her way to the bed.

DED: Ladies and gentlemen, now entering from the northwest end of stadium, YOUR Hyurle High Fightin’ Zeldas!

>>Unceremoniously crashing down on top of her,

Zelda: As a monarch, she ought to have an elaborate bed-crashing ceremony planned.

>>the Twili chuckled and pinned the Queen's arms above her head with her hands.

Rauru: Both shoulders on the mat! She’s down for the count! 1...2...OH, she’s made a brilliant reversal!

>>Zelda was literally trapped under her,

DED: That’s...huh. I was all ready to ridicule the story for misusing the word “literally,” like most idiots these days do.

Zelda: Yeah yeah, “Like OMG I literally exploded with laughter at Ashley's Facebook status.”

DED: Right, nothing stokes my nerd rage more. BUT...that’s literally what she is. Trapped, under Midna. Kudos story, I must say.

>>and no matter how much she squirmed she just couldn't budge.

Link: Midna been workin’ out!

Rauru: Either that or she’s as fat as me. In which case Zelda’s revulsion would be in line with what I’ve come to expect from girls.

Link: Well, I'm afraid there's more to that phenomenon than just the fatness variable.

>>This only seemed to make the Twili amused, and herself angrier.

Link: That’s the Midna I know!

Zelda: Kind of goes without saying that anything that amuses Midna is bound to piss me off, and vice versa.

>>''Madness! Get off me now or I'll--''

Rauru: "--start liking it!"

DED: “--continue to ask nicely!”

>>''Or you'll what, Your Highness?

Zelda: Strike you down with great vengeance and furious anger?

>>Call the guards?

Rauru: “I killed them all, remember?”

>>I wonder, why didn't you do that earlier, hmm?''

Zelda: “Oh, I told them to wait until you were really getting into it with me, then burst in and cuff you and blindfold you and rape you delirious. Now is THAT the Zelda you know, hmm?"

DED: Yow.

Zelda: My lovers must be shown I don't make threats, only promises. I had to teach you that lesson, didn't I sugarplum?

Link: Yes. With bullets.

Zelda: ...And now you know!

>>Midna paused and, seeing Zelda had nothing to say, continued.

Link: That’s EXACTLY the correct strategy for conversing with Zelda, let me tell you. In fact since no one’s talking, I will tell you! That’s exactly the correct...

>>''You want this.

DED: “To stop. Immediately. But it won’t, because I'm Midna and it’s how I get off.”

>>Stop playing the Ice Queen for a minute

Link: Guys, what killed the dinosaurs?

DED: Well, although the true cause remains controversial to this day, most paleontologists believe that a meteor was responsible for the so-called Cretaceous-Paleogene extinction event because of a phenomenon called "impact winter," caused by fallout cooling the--

Link: ...DAH EISS AEGE!!!

DED: --No, that's not technically the same...Oooh, I see. You’re referencing “Batman & Robin,” the only disgrace to a beloved intellectual property more egregious than the CD-i Zelda games.

Rauru: ‘Cept maybe “Batman Forever.” Aaaaand “The Last Airbender.”

>>and consider your own feelings. You could have had me arrested a thousand times now.

Zelda: “All right, you’re a thousand times under arrest. Actually, a thousand and one.”

>>You could have used your magic skills a thousand more, yet you didn't.

Link: How does Midna know she hasn’t? Wizards be subtle and shit, and quick to anger.

Zelda: How does she know I’m not manipulating her? Naturally, I can answer that, and the answer is, “because I’m baller at intrigue.”

>>What does that tell me about yourself on the situation?

Rauru: Let’s consult our Cosmo quiz!

>>I'm not blind, Zelda.

Link: Just domineering and irascible and inconsiderate and manipulative and weird-looking.

>>And you ought to be a better liar.''

Link: And you ought to be a better guest, a better adventuring companion, a better leader, a better person, a better not-in-our-dimension-anymore, and a better Navi.

Zelda: Yeah, I agree completely with everything he said. After all, she wants me to be honest about my feelings for her!

>>With this she released the Light Queen's wrists,

DED: On this stunning 12-disc collection...

Rauru: Pfahaha, it’s laughable how bad optical data storage used to be.

>>and almost instantly they snaked around the Twili's waist,

Link: “Almost instantly,” well how long would you expect it to take? Minutes? Quarter-hour?

>>up her hips to her shoulders, touching, feeling, wanting more.

DED: Looovin’, touchin’, squeeeeeee-eee-zzaaaaaann--

Rauru: SHUT up...

>>Zelda felt as though the last bits of her mask had finally fallen

Link: That reminds me, does Midna still have her mask? The one that bestows her godlike superpowers? Because we ought to confiscate that for national hilarity purposes.

Zelda: You mean security purposes.

Link: Yeah yeah, you know what I meant.

Zelda: All too well.

>>and she felt new, naked.

DED: Oh yeah, LITERALLY naked. Sure story, why don’t--

>>Though not literally,

DED: --damn!

>>but it seemed Midna was making it literal as well.

DED: DAMN! This story takes literality as seriously as I do.

>>With a proud smile at her own small victory,

Rauru: I have no idea who she is and what the small victory was at this point.

>>she deftly undid the laces on the Queen's gown

Link: God DAMMIT! The pronoun confusion inherent in lesbian erotica, PLUS they’re both “Queen”!

>>and set her free,

Zelda: I want to break free-eee! I want to break free! I want to break free from this dress it’s so stuffy and starchy and cliiiiinggyy~

>>pushing the dress down to her hips and planting kisses on Zelda's lap

Rauru: Okay now at this point, I believe Zelda’s getting undressed. But maybe Zelda is undressing Midna and kissing her OWN lap.

Zelda: Hold on, the “lap” is only a kind of theoretical area. Like, really, your lap is only your lap under certain circumstances.

>>and up to her neck, tantalizingly licking at the soft skin there.

Link: Who’s tantalized by the licking? Zelda, who has come home from a tiring day on the job to find an aggressive unwanted magic lesbian in her room? Or the audience, who frankly have come to view each new story in much the same light?

>>Zelda undid the simple clasp on the Twili's already rather... minimal garb

Zelda: ...minimally fashionable, for sure.

>>and sighed at the softness and warmth of her skin against hers.

DED: Like, here, did the author not ONCE read this aloud and say, “Gosh, ‘her skin against hers,’ THAT’S kind of ambiguous!”

>>Midna gave a soft giggle,

Link: “Gneeheehee, here comes the Midna rape traaaiiinnn! Choo choo!”

Rauru: Good impression. Playfully psychotic, very Midna.

Link: Yeah I...would know...

Rauru: ...

>>cupping one of Zelda's breast

DED: Dang, sorry, it might seem like that’s how English works but it doesn’t.

>>and softly caressing it, drinking in the Queen's beauty

Zelda: Yeah she better not drink in anything ELSE of mine.

>>as she sighed and moaned silently,

DED: There’s no such thing as moaning silently. That’s not a thing you can do. Logic! Logic I say!

Link: It is too, I can moan silently.

DED: Do it.



Link: Here watch I’ll do it a thousand times in a second.

DED: Oh yeah, REALLY.


DED: Good show. GOOD SHOW.

Rauru: I'm convinced.

>>her cheeks now turned an adorable shade of red.

Zelda: Yeah someone COULD adore them I GUESS.

>>When a nipple was gently pinched,

Link: ...

Zelda: ...somewhere...

>>the Light Queen couldn't help but arch her back slowly,

DED: Do you guys remember those beds that used to get advertised on TV back in the 90’s, where it had a control pad and you could make it fold up into various shapes?

>>and Midna took this opportunity to lower herself down on the floor,

Rauru: And gracefully...pass the fuck out?

Zelda: When you wanna get down...down on the ground...cocaine.

>>gently bringing down Zelda's gown

Link: Hmm, gently bringing it like an intervention? "Gown, honey, there's something we have to tell you."

>>from her body, until she was completely naked

All: WHICH “SHE”?!?

>>on the edge of the bed.

DED: The ambiguity is KILLIN’ me! They’re BOTH on the edge of the fucking bed!

Zelda: No, no, the fucking bed is elsewhere.

DED: ...oh.

Zelda: The real travesty of this is that she’s doing it to me atop the sleeping bed. Argh! That kind of thing really cheeses me off.

>>With a devilish smirk,

Rauru: I invented something called deviledish eggs. You see you start with...

Link: Hey, I have an idea, stop telling us about it!

>>the Twili woman set the younger Queen's legs apart

Zelda: No hey, what sets my legs apart is their smooth and shapely alabaster perfection.

>>and hovered close to her womanhood,

Link: ...she HAS magic powers. Is she actually levitating?

DED: This story is just WRACKED with ambiguity. It’s almost...postmodern.

Link: Slow down there.

>>and the very second when Zelda meant to prop herself up on her elbows to question her, she gave a long, skillful lick at her womanhood, and whatever question Zelda might have wanted to ask was lost forever.

Zelda: Damn, she’s good. Perhaps I’ve met a worthy adversary at last...

>>Her fingers dug into the feather mattress of her bed,

DED: I’d probably be allergic as hell to that.

>>and she couldn't help but arch her back again,

Zelda: Gotta get those lower back exercises in sometime today. I mean, since I’m already inconvenienced here...

>>searching for more of that warmth.

Rauru: Get a space heater.

>>When Midna was at it again,

Link: Yessssss, once again embarking on her lustful home invasions...

>>a bit more skillfully this time and less teasing,

DED: Oh so she was deliberately incompetent earlier?

>>Zelda could not refrain the lustful sigh that escaped from her lips,

Zelda: I’m not so sure it’s a lustful sigh.

>>and without even realizing it

Rauru: ...she’d ruined the Kingdom for generations to come.

>>she tangled one of her hands in Midna's hair,

Link: Damn, Midna’s hair must be more tangly than Christmas lights and earbud headphone cables COMBINED.

>>gently pushing, yanking, asking for more,

DED: Please guv’ness, may I have sm’more?

>>asking for speed.

Zelda: Or smack or magic mushrooms or anything to help dissociate me from this reality, please.

>>The Twili Queen was more than happy to oblige,

Rauru: Gotta go fast!

>>quickly (and clumsily) kicking off the rest of her clothes

Zelda: What?! No, that’s not going to improve your cunnilingus AT ALL!

>>and hungrily lapping at Zelda's mound again.

Rauru: See, calling this hunger is an affront to eating. Even I don’t eat my food by just licking and tonguing and slobbering all over it and breathing heavily and moaning.

Link: Yes you do.

Rauru: But there’s more to it than just that, is my point.

>>She couldn't help but massage herself all the while,

DED: Yes, Midna, out of control as always.

>>what with all those lovely moans and half-pleas

Zelda: Yes, exactly. It’s why so many monarchs enjoy torturing people, as well.

>>she was getting from the inexperienced Queen.

Rauru: But she can’t be an inexperienced Queen because Zelda the Queen had been there for a long time because her parents died young by your own logic you’re wrong HAH!

>>When she felt Zelda's legs tangling themselves around her

Link: Everything around her risks entanglement, it seems. This is something I must remember when I finally have to fight to the death against her.

DED: Are you planning on it?

Link: Have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

>>and the pulling in her hair get a bit rougher, she gave it her all,

DED: Yay, woo! 110%!

Zelda: Nope, nope, that’s 10% more than my all. Can’t give that.

>>using an hand to roughly pinch one of the Queen's nipple in exchange,

DED: ...for what?

Link: And what’s the exchange rate on nipple pinching?

Rauru: According to my portfolio it’s 1.24 wet willies to the purple nurple at the moment.

>>and the other stretching her mound,

Zelda: “Stretching the mound” sounds like some baseball jargon. Baseball has lots of weird jargon, don’t it?

DED: It sounds...more like, well, exactly what it is if I’m honest.

>>giving her tongue entrance into her very core.

Link: You know those scenes in ninja movies or anything vaguely Japanese, where there’s a series of sliding doors in those paper walls and the camera rushes forward through them as they open in rapid succession? Bitches be like that downstairs.

>>The sweet cry that came forth from the younger Queen

DED: Well I dunno, I think Freddie’s voice matured a bit in the middle years. But Queen was definitely worse later on in the disco era, I'll give you that.

>>was almost making feel Midna dizzy with lust

Rauru: Instead, she was just sort of clammy and vaguely nauseous with lust.

>>as Zelda rode on the waves of her orgasm,

Link: Nhehehehehehehehe, wipeout!

>>tightly clutching Midna's head

Zelda: To bury it at the crossroads at midnight, afore I burn her accursed body and end this once and for all! They will call me a murderer, I am sure...

Link: No, not really.

Zelda: ...but I can only pray that perhaps some few might understand my terrible plight!

Link: Nah I totally understand.

>>as her body quivered under the intense ministrations.

DED: Intense ministrations, huh? It’s like one of those extremist religious homosexual re-education camps but, like, in reverse.

>>When she seemed to relax again

Rauru: Long after Midna has left...

>>she could scarcely catch her breath

Zelda: Princesses don’t get to do a lot of cardio, okay?

>>before Midna almost pounced on her,

DED: Not LITERALLY of course, bipeds can really only metaphorically pounce.

>>her lips on hers,

Rauru: Okay SERIOUSLY, the author is just FLAUNTING the fact they’re both girls.

Link: That’s...more or less the point of lesbian pornorgraphy, in fact.

>>her tongue tangled with hers,

Zelda: Ow, I’ve tied my own tongue in a knot!

>>tasting the strange but sweet taste of herself on her.

DED: The strange, sweet taste of Poon®!

>>Never breaking the wet, hungry kiss,

Link: Don’t EVEN start, okay?

Zelda: Oh, this is something I’m fine with you breaking.

>>Midna used her arms

Rauru: Why how innovative!

>>to bring Zelda's legs up around her wide hips,

DED: Bring her (Zelda's) legs around her (Midna's) hips. Right?

Zelda: Don't ask me, in my mind I've reduced the whole thing to one of those Warner Bros. cartoon fights where there's a big cloud of dust rolling around with fists and legs popping out every so often.

>>and gave a small but urgent thrust forward

Link: You lack the necessary equipment, young lady.

>>until both their womanhoods finally collided.

DED: Two meters...*BEEP!* meter...*BEEP!*...Houston, the eagle has landed...

>>Midna gave a long silent moan


DED: Oh this is SUCH bullshit.

Zelda: I don't get what you're on about. Don't you hear the silent moans?

DED: Now you're just fucking with me.

>>and Zelda gasped,

Zelda: Zounds and gadzooks!

>>surprised at the intense warmth and overflow of pleasure

Rauru: Pleasure? From Midna? That is a surprise.

>>emanating from both of them. Another languid, slow thrust was all

Link: ...that Midna could be bothered with.

>>it took to make the Queen sigh and moan

All: WHICH?!?

>>and plead on Midna's lips again.

DED: Look at Midna. Does that look like the face of mercy?

>>''Now tell me if this feels wrong to you''

Zelda: "Well philosophically it--"

>>Was all Midna whispered on Zelda's throat

Rauru: Peace on earth was all it said.

>>as she set up a steady rhythm,

DED: A rhythm here, a hedge fund or two there, a few shady investment deals, offshore bank account...

>>her grip on Zelda's thighs growing firmer with each new wave of

Link: ...propaganda?

>>pleasure. Zelda's arms found her way up in her long red hair again,

Zelda: Look, this is just wrong. I don't have red hair, I'm the subject of the sentence, "her" refers to me.

>>tugging and clawing and pulling,

Rauru: Yes, I'm in agreement. Yank out all of Midna's hair.

>>all the while tightening her hold her Midna's hips with her legs.

DED: Really it was a war for their hearts and minds.

>>No, it couldn't be wrong,

Zelda: Couldn't it, though?

>>this felt so undoubtedly good,

Link: Right, that's how you know it's wrong. Trust me, nothing fun is legal or safe.

>>and just right.

DED (whimsical): She tried the first pussy and said, "This pussy's too dry!" Then she tried the second pussy and said, "This pussy's too floppy!" But the third pussy was jusssssst right!

Rauru: Ah, that bedtime favorite, "Goldiloxxx and the Three Whores."

>>This intense warmth

Link: That's nothing compared to the exhaust from a turbojet engine, let me tell YOU. Burn a Princess's garage cleeeeeean to the ground it will.

Zelda: *hateful muttering*

>>and this ultimate closeness was something,

Rauru: Sure is.

>>even then Zelda knew, she wouldn't find in any man's embrace.

DED: Uh, you know, if I may wax conventional here, a man CAN put his penis inside of your actual body. I mean how is a Midna bump-n-grind more ultimately close than THAT?

>>And as she neared another orgasm,

Link: I can feel it comin' in the air tonight...oh lawd!

>>her hands suddenly found the small of Midna's back,

Zelda: "Oh my God, there it is! I was searching and searching..."

Rauru: Yeah, doesn't it seem like every time you're looking for something, you always just find it suddenly and unceremoniously in some real obvious place?

>>pressing their bodies even closer until


Link: What are you talking about?


>>Midna could barely move against her anymore.

Zelda: Ah HAAAA! Now you see, Midna, there is nothing you possess that I cannot simply take away!

>>When the Twili Queen bit at the hollow between her neck and shoulder,


>>it was all it took to send

Rauru: ...a letter to your poor mother once in a while but no, you can't be bothered to write, can't be bothered to call, after I work my fingers to the bone, oy vey!

DED: An overbearing Jewish mom would explain a lot about Midna.

>>Zelda over the edge again, this time taking Midna with her.

Zelda: Oh, I will take Midna with me. TO HELL!!!

Link: Really?

Zelda: Yeah, I've dined there. 'Snice.

>>Their bodies rocked close against each other

Rauru: Please, if you must keep on rockin', do so in the free world.

Zelda: Indeed, the word of Neil Young holds no sway in my kingdom.

>>for a moment as they both climaxed together,

Link: Like any good hero/super villain pair, they're together at he climax.

>>their moans sounding as one before slowly fading and dying out

DED: our will to live...

>>Midna then gently licked at the bitemark she realized she left on the Queen's creamy throat,

Rauru: "Bwahahahahaha, take that!"

>>and at last with a chuckle Zelda was able to mutter something coherent;

Link: Was it, "Now you die"?

>>''Goddesses Midna... I never even once thought that you... you...''

Zelda: “...would ever...EVER...make even one person feel GOOD.”

>>there was the stuttering again,

DED: It isn't stuttering so much as general inelegance.

>>this Twili woman really had her ways with her it seemed.

Rauru: Yes, her many ways of absolutely infuriating others.

>>''Link, he really seemed to-''

Link: -be better at this?

>>''Must you really ruin this moment with rationality and pointless chatter?''

Zelda: I brought up Link, and she accused me of discussing something rational?

DED: Though she did mention "pointless chatter."

Link: ...isn't even the best way to barbecue a squirrel! You have to make sure the tinder is nice and...

>>Midna cut her, looking up at her and smiling.

Rauru: Cut

DED: It...doesn't say that.

Zelda: Oh dear GOD.

>>Zelda blinked once,

Link: Dot. Dot. Dot.

>>then returned the smile,

Rauru: With the same disingenuousness...

>>her eyes full of love and satisfaction.

Zelda: And my heart full of loathing and my mind full of vengeful schemes.

Link: Are you saying your eyes can have different moods than your brain?

Zelda: I'm just saying that anyone who says the eyes are windows to the soul is full of shit. Eyes are the biggest weapon in your arsenal of deception.

>>''No, I ought to shut up.''

DED: I reeeeeeeally think you both should shut up.

>>She replied, giggling.
''There's a good girl.'' Midna whispered

Link: So as usual, Midna is psychologically parasitizing and subverting an actual noble, heroic person.

>>as she flopped to her side, lazily drawing circles upon Zelda's stomach.

Rauru: I seem to sense a kindred spirit in laziness...

Zelda: Maybe you could meet up and share techniques.

Rauru: Nah, can’t be bothered.

>>''Surely you mean to stay the night?'' Zelda finally whispered

Zelda: “I mean you rode around on Link’s fucking BACK for weeks at a time, I assume you’re to be mooching off me in some fucking further way.”

>>after a long silence full of untold promises.

Link: Those are the best kind.

>>''What if I said no?''

DED: “...and DON’T call me Shirley!”

>>There was that impish smirk again.

Rauru: Gosh, I wonder if her time as an imp has altered her character at all.

>>Zelda didn't buy it one second.

Zelda: I really wouldn’t pay money for it, ever.
>>In an instant she was also on her side,

Link: Which side?

DED: Definitely the Dark Side.

Zelda: But Dave, you don’t...understand...the POWER...of the DARK SIDE!

>>her arms snaking around Midna's hips,

Rauru: Why doesn’t she just bring out some actual snakes? She’s royalty, if anyone could get hold of some snakes trained for erotic activities, it’s her.

>>bringing her body closer to hers

Link: Oh you DON’T SAY.

>>and planting soft kisses near the Twili's earlobe.

DED: I hope her crop of love withers and DIES and that Midna it starved of love forever.

>>A shiver ran down Midna's back.

Rauru: But it was too late. She had laid with Zelda, and she's already dead.

>>''Eager and quick to learn, are we?''

Zelda: “Yes, and I’m great in all other ways too.”

>>She softly kissed Zelda's lips and played with a long strand of her golden hair.

Link: Knowing her, she’s “playing” with Zelda’s hair like a toddler “plays” with a dog's.

Zelda: You mean inflicting maximum annoyance with her dumb toddler fingers?

Link: What the fuck ELSE could I mean? MIDNA.

>>''It appears I have a good teacher'' Was what Zelda replied

Zelda: “Somewhere else. Certainly not you, you’re garbage. I’ve learned nothing from this except that your tongue in my vagina feels like a phlegmy cat’s.”

>>that set the fire again,

DED: Buuuuuuurn baby burn, LESBO INFERRRRRNO!

>>as Midna's kiss grew hungrier, more primal.

Rauru: I too know that primal hunger. Because deep down, in my heart, I believe...that Midna is edible. Oh I...belieeeeeve...*music swells* ...thaaaaaat...

Link: Oooooooh no you don't, no jaunty up-tempo musical number listing the ways you could prepare various parts of Midna to eat.

Rauru: Damn it, how did you know?

>>And not a single guard was called that night.

DED: And not a single fuck amongst the audience was given that day! Huzzah!

Zelda: Yeah no need for the guards, I’d handle her myself.

Link: Really?

Zelda: I’d rise from the bed, satin sheets streaming off my naked body, and retrieve my Walther PPK from the nightstand as she lay there, mind blown, exhausted with lust. Then I’d put on an old-fashioned phonograph record of some long-forgotten crooner, whose eerie, scratchy voice would fill the room, covering the noise as I attach the suppressor and slide home the magazine. Then without a hint of remorse I’d put one bullet in her head and two in her chest, and as I walk towards the moonlit balcony I’d turn to her corpse and say softly into the night air, “Sorry, love. But in this royal flush, there’s only room for one Queen.”

Link: Badass.

Zelda: What’d I tell you? Better at espionage than James Bond.

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