In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space
We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:
Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “Beep boop son, beep boop."
Rauru! “The fatty in the smooth velvet!”
Zelda! “Putting the 'regal' in 'theatre gal'!”
Link! “I won't grow up, I'm a Toys-R-Us Kid!”
If you don’t get how he stays alive
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!
“The Undoing of Groose” by ScheisseKatze
>>Groose wasn’t sure how it had happened,
Zelda: Save your excuses for your court date you yobbo!
DED: Oh hey, Groose, so this is that recent Zelda game...what was it..."Squidward Scored?"
Link: Nah nah it was all about flying, I think it was called "Skymall Soared."
Rauru: You see, because I thought it was a catering-themed adventure called "Sideboard Stored."
DED: No Rauru, I'm afraid you're the only catering-themed Legend of Zelda character out there.
>>but after months of contemplation and inner turmoil, he finally admitted it:
Zelda: Sitar music was NEVER cool or good, and everyone who claimed to like it was only doing so because the Beatles liked it.
>>he was gay, and he wanted Link.
Rauru: Ladies and gentlemen, we HAAAAAAAAAAVE a premise!
Link: Oh, GREAT, fantastic. Look, could you just make like Alan Turing and sublimate that desire into quiet productivity and crippling depression, like you're supposed to?
DED: Link, that's a terribly offensive thing to say about Groose, not to mention about the concept of homosexuality in general.
Link: Oh, sorry, it was mean to nag him like that. He can certainly be lazy and depressed if he wants.
>>At first it seemed like his obsession with Link was a jealousy stemming from his attraction to Zelda,
Zelda: Oh MAN, I'm glad I'm off the hook there.
Rauru: Hey, since this is set in that Byword Snored game, shouldn't you have changed into your light, summery sky dweller dress for the occasion?
Zelda: No, if I wear my usual formal Princess getup in the theater, I can charge this whole absurd charade to my time card as "Rulership."
Link: Rulership at any given time is based on fashion?
Zelda: Like, duh.
DED: So is that how you've managed to spend...mmm, let's see, nine years I believe?...trapped in space reading allegedly-sexy stories, and still not get ousted in a palace coup for never doing any actual governance?
Zelda: Yeah they think I'm doing paperwork up here or some shit. I still gotta watch my back though, that fucking bitch Ruto is still pissed about the bookkeeper and and I cannot afford to keep playing assassination tennis with her right now.
DED: Payoffs to your assassins cutting into the booze budget again Zelda?
Zelda: Ye—NO, SHUT UP.
>>but soon it became apparent that this wasn’t the case.
Rauru: It was in fact a fragment of the bullet itself.
Rauru: Work with me here.
>>Sure, he still though Zelda was pretty cute,
Zelda: Well now that's just a given.
>>and he’d probably do her if she offered.
Link: If only she were a boy...
Zelda: Ah, y'see, that's where my trusty Smash Bros. Down + B move comes in handy.
Link: But that's just the move that...oh ho ho ho HO!
Zelda: You know, sweetie, I've been wanting to try out Sheik's...moveset...in bed, that is.
Link: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...I'll get back to you on that.
>>So maybe he wasn’t gay.
Rauru: That's it, cling to that shred of hope!
DED: Well, now, in fairness to the Kinsey scale.
>>But that didn’t stop his attraction to the famed Hero of Skyloft.
Zelda: Oh, damn, and the first wave of "eerily reminiscent of Top Gun" comes crashing in.
Link: MotherFUCKER, you're RIGHT.
DED: But guys, he's a Skyloft hero. Got stars in his eyes. Skyloft hero, he'll come alive tonight.
>>And now that Zelda was out of the picture,
Rauru: Dirrrrrty deeds, DONE DIRT CHEAP!
>>off exploring who knew what down on the Surface,
Link: I mean my GOD, she could be exploring a canyon, or a...Pizza Hut, or maybe a...golf course?
DED: After all, humans played golf when we went to the moon from the ground. She should do it in reverse.
>>Groose had his chance.
Zelda: Carpe deez nuts. Of Link's, that is.
DED: Console commands? Don't mind if I do: "noclip 1", I'll fly us right the fuck out of this story.
Rauru: Wouldn't you rather turn on "godmode?"
Zelda: Are you MAD? Then we'd be trapped here reading bad stories forever and it would be impossible for anything to kill us, even ourselves.
>>Link had returned to Skyloft
Rauru: That was his FIRST mistake...
>>ready for an extended period of relaxation
Link: Oh, really. Well I'm sure being molested by Groose will be all the relaxation I need or can even handle.
>>after escorting Zelda throughout the Surface for a few months.
Zelda: I have been known to employ the services of escorts...Link's or otherwise.
Link: I thought they were called courtesans.
Zelda: Escorts, cortesans, classy fuckin' sloots. Same diff.
>>He was now a full time Skyloft Knight
DED: Dude, wicked hazard pay and great bennies man and you can totally make your own schedule...
>>and was enjoying being home for the first time in over a year.
Rauru: He'd come back to town over the course of that year-long adventure dozens of times, though. Like you actually have to.
Link: Doesn't mean I enjoyed it.
>>As he walked into his room at the Knight Academy, he noticed a letter underneath his window.
DED: Junk mail.
Rauru: Heating bill.
Link: Cease and desist notice.
Zelda: Gay love letter from Groose. ...No, wait, I'm also for junk mail, final answer, let's be realistic here. I'm letting what I know about the plot cloud my objective judgment.
Link: But who cares what it is? I'm giving it to a hand in a toilet without a second thought.
DED: FYI Nintendo, you were right, Sticky Fingers was the LoZ character most direly in need of a revisit.
>>He picked it up curiously and read it:
Rauru: "Fi has a real purty mouth for a sword-ghost-lady. Come alone to the big tree at midnight if you want I don't cut it offa her."
I’ll be back in Skyloft tonight and I want to see you.
Zelda: "...packing up your things and getting the hell out of my bedroom when I get there, you lousy moocher. Just because I'm away on the surface doesn't mean you help yourself to everything that's mine. TIA."
>>Meet me in the cave behind the waterfall at midnight.
DED: "Bring lube, plenty of stamina potions, a live fish and some corn liquor. Yours cordially,"
Zelda: Oh yeah, massive surface world, infinite mystery, untold delights. And the best place to seduce Link I can come up with is on the same tiny-ass rock our inbred asses were stuck on our whole lives.
DED: It's like someone who graduates from college and moves right back home to Podunk, Indiana.
>>Link smiled even as his brow furrowed.
Link: Ugh, weird, I'd look like that one George Castanza reaction image.
DED: No no, smiling with a furrowed brow is literally the trollface.
>>Of course he would meet Zelda,
Rauru: "Gee willickers, I hope she brought a keen new bug from the surface to show me!"
DED: On that point, you regularly bring bugs and other live animals from the surface to the stratosphere above the clouds where you live. Wouldn't they all die horrible deaths as soon as you let t—
Link: —We don't talk about that day. Ever again.
Link: EVER. AGAIN.
>>though it seemed her handwriting had changed…
Zelda: For the worse, presumably. Although I resent the stereotype that good penmanship must be a girl's and girls can't be slobs with terrible handwriting.
DED: Yeah, that's really holding back a lot of people's dreams.
>>she must have been in a hurry.
Link: Also in her haste it seems she misspelled her name as "Groo—" before crossing it out and writing "Zelda."
>>Link didn’t give any further thought to the fact that Zelda was requesting to see him at night.
Rauru: How the hell did he manage to intuit his way through saving the world in this particular instance of world-savory, yet still be dumb enough to fall for this?
DED: That's a good point, but I think you meant "savery," as a neologism. Not "savory."
Rauru: Did I, Dave? Did I really?
DED: Oh I...forgot who I was talking to I guess.
>>He figured it might be his lucky night with Zelda,
Zelda: Well he got THAT bit worked out, good show.
>>and he wanted to be prepared.
DED: While he was busy reading the first, in the same spot was placed a second letter that read, "Also bring condoms, the whip thing, the grapple claw, a pair of handcuffs, an egg, the anal beads, and a blender. It'll be a great surprise."
>>He whistled as he walked
Rauru: Uh oh, he too has been brainwashed by Skyloft's seven dwarves.
Zelda: It's "whistle while you work," though.
Rauru: That word ain't in my vocabulary, sister.
>>to the bathroom
Link: Gonna take a dump, doo doo doo doo! Gonna take a dump-dump doo doo doo! Skeebydeebop-boo, gonna do some number two! Whoa-oooooah!
>>to clean up
DED: Clean up himself, or clean up the bathroom?
Zelda: Either way, unprecedented really!
Link: Like you've room to talk, you have an army of handmaidens.
Zelda: Yeah, so, hey, ha ha, have you noticed how changed the subject is?
Link: Yeah, that's amazing!
>>and get ready for his night with the most beautiful girl in Skyloft…
Rauru: ...Groose! Let's give him a big hand, everybody!
DED: Tilde. Versatile, elegant, and super-kawaii~ Brought to you by the Tilde Council and the support of the Bill and Brunhilde Tilde Foundation.
>>Link emerged from the waterfall
Zelda: The first flopping lungfish takes a tentative step out of the primordial waters.
>>and began to stride towards the cave where his Loftwing had once been imprisoned by Groose.
Rauru: This cave full of bats and slimes is strongly romantic.
>>Link shook his head as he recalled the memory;
DED: What is he, the Prince of Persia? "Then I fell off the edge into the oscillating saw blades." *shakes head* "No, no, that's not right, hang on."
>>he had not liked Groose back then
Link: Oh yeah, back when he was attacking me at high speed in midair trying to send me plummeting to my death so he could win a petty contest and bone Zelda.
>>but now he was a friend.
Zelda: Really now, would this one adventure undo a whole lifetime of bullying and send him right into friend status? I'd park him at "respectful wariness" until we're sure he's not still a jerk.
>>One of the many surprises Link had experienced in the past year.
Link: Like when there was a ghost lady with no arms that lived in a magic sword and we found an enormous continent under the clouds and I traveled time to fight robot pirates and one time this frog jumped right out in front of me! It was just one shocking event after another.
>>The cave was dark
Rauru: Aaaaaas tends to be the case, myes.
>>and seemed to go back further than usual as Link approached it.
DED: It's also more rife with symbolic eroticism, but only for the unfortunate wretches known as readers.
>>He cleared his throat, ready to call out for Zelda,
Link: "Luuuuucy, joo got some 'splainin' to do!" Ha ha, I always wanted to come find you and burst in and say that.
Zelda: By all means. It's perfectly safe, free, and only mildly irritating, it's almost a perfect use of your time.
>>when he sensed movement behind him.
Rauru: I tend to have a movement behind me by breakfast! HYUKYUKYUKYUK!
Rauru: You, and I, read about Link smearing bee ointment into Tetra's unwashed sweaty asshole. Tell me you're offended by me making a joke about poop.
DED: Not just any poop, one of your poops. Given you it's...God, #STMWNMTK.
DED: It's an acronym for Some Things Man Was Not Meant To Know. I hope to force it as a meme on what I hear is called the Internet, to refer to the various unspeakable eldritch Lovecraftian abominations one finds therein.
Zelda: So man can more easily know what man was not meant to know.
DED: Yeah, convenience!
>>Before his quick reflexes could even flinch,
Rauru: If something makes you flinch, did you flinch or did your reflexes flinch for you?
DED: This flinching stuff is complicated. We should consult Bulbapedia.
Rauru: ...Now THAT was obscure.
DED: Oh, you know, it's a one-percenter.
Link: Yeah, one percent funny maybe.
>>he felt an sharp pain in the back of his head, and then knew nothing but blackness.
Zelda: OH NO THIS IS ENTIRELY UNFORESEEN.
Link: Don't say I know nothing but blackness, I can relate well to all races and cultures.
Groose made sure the cave entrance was properly blocked
Rauru: The point at which you must plan ahead to prevent your lover from escaping is the point at which you should start to question whether your affection is perhaps a bit misguided.
DED: I think it's rather generous of you to use the term "misguided affection" and not the one the courts usually use, "sexual assault."
>>before he lit the lantern and gazed upon Link’s face.
Zelda: Shouldn't he have checked that it was the right guy, before entombing them both? I know it really steams my grits when I abduct the wrong person.
>>He was just so pretty.
Link: ...But is it art?
>>He practically looked like a girl,
DED: You must admit, you're up there on the femmey bishounen animu ladder.
Link: I know, I admit it. At least I'm not that Sephiroth faggot.
DED: Yeah, he really does make ALL Talmudic mysticism look bad.
Link: I like to think I make up for it by being an idiot, thus cementing my manhood.
Zelda (rolling eyes): Yes darling, that's the reason.
>>with his long eyelashes and full lips.
Rauru: His penis and testicles sort of spoil the illusion.
>>Groose felt his large and impressive member
DED: Yeah, I figured he’d be doing that right about now.
>>harden at the mental image of Link’s girlish lips wrapped around his manhood.
Link: All right, come on, REALLY, male and female lips aren’t that different. It’s just that girls take better care of their lips.
>>His hands trembled as he arranged Link into position:
Zelda: Action Link life-sized poseable action figure, collect them all!
Rauru: Action Link comes with everything you see here. Not for children under three years of age. Action Link and Action Link's Action Hair sold separately.
>>propped against the wall, spread eagle and bound so that he couldn’t move.
Link: Ah yes, the perfect position for me, really.
Zelda: Is that even supposed to be sarcasm, Link? You spend most of your time lying around naked and splaying as it is, the only difference is you aren't tied up in a cave.
Link: You're not my MOM, you know.
Zelda: No, but as you’re a useless buffoon who lives with me and is not my spouse, I would have to legally claim you as a dependent. That is, if I had to pay taxes, to myself, on the income I earn, which is itself the tax revenue of Hyrule.
DED: Good thing you don't have to, because it sounds like if you did it would create a feedback loop that would make you...owe an infinite number of Rupees to...yourself.
Link: Let's stop talking about this before my brain overheats.
>>Groose had to make sure he wouldn’t be able to escape without hearing his full story!
Rauru: AND seeing the vacation slides!
>>Groose waited patiently until Link stirred.
Zelda: Twenty-six hours later.
>>Link’s soft moan almost caused Groose to groan,
DED: Well it’s a good thing he didn’t because his groan would make Link moan which would make him groan with would make a feedback l—
Rauru: Oh SHUT UP about feedback loops.
>>but he stopped himself. Link’s long eyelashes fluttered as his eyes slowly opened,
Link: “Oh ah do declayuh, ah’ve been ovahcome with the vaypahs, we’ll have to call off the cotillion...”
>>and then focused on Groose. “Groose!”
Zelda: Yes, “Groose!”
DED: “Groose” indeed!
Link: I like to think that Groose's full name is Groose "Groose" Groose.
>>he gasped out. He then seemed to awaken more as he noticed his restraints.
Rauru: That WOULD sort of demand immediate attention.
>>“What the hell?”
DED: Crazy little thing called love.
Link: And I just can't handle it.
>>“Don’t worry Link,” Groose smiled.
Zelda: “I fought off and defeated the terrible monsters that tied you up naked, so why don’t you reward me with sex?!”
Link: Something tells me that his actual plan is much worse than that.
Zelda: Well, I am a genius.
>>“I’m not going to hurt you.
Rauru: “...mmmmore than I already have. Let’s gloss over that...”
>>I just needed you to not run away so I can tell you something.”
Zelda: “I’ve found out that it’s really fun to knock people out, strip them naked, tie them up and pose them.”
>>Link relaxed somewhat,
DED: Yeah, ‘s true, that’s a reasonable thing for Groose to have done.
>>but his face was still troubled.
Link: “Why didn’t you just ASK?"
>>“You didn’t have to tie me up for that, you know,” he said drily.
DED: “You could have just used some simple, lightweight zip-tie handcuffs.”
>>“We’re friends now…or at least I thought we were…”
Rauru: This whole forging-a-letter-in-Link’s-girlfriend’s-name-and-clubbing-him-into-unconsciousness thing hasn’t gone over as well as Groose was hoping.
>>That last part was said softly, to himself, but Groose heard and he felt something in his chest twinge. He ignored it.
Zelda: Seconds later, he was dead.
>>“You see, Link,” Groose began, standing up and starting to pace,
Link: Ohhh great, incoming villainous monologue.
DED: He’ll probably say stuff about his childhood or his bitterness and all his motivations for his villainy.
>>“the thing is, I don’t want to be friends with you.”
Rauru: “I’m unfriending you on FaceScroll.”
>>Link’s face darkened but he didn’t make a move to say anything. “Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?”
Link: Hell yeah I do!
>>Groose asked casually.
DED: Or as casually as one can make that sound.
>>Link’s face went from angry to shocked.
Zelda: There ARE those electric jelly monsters about.
>>His mouth fell open and Groose could see the tip of Link’s pink tongue.
Rauru: Oh so hot.
Zelda: Hmmm...Link, is the reason you make so many jaw-droppingly terrible decisions because you have a jaw-dropping fetish, like Groose?
Link: As a matter of fact...mmmmmmmno.
>>His own tongue licked at his dry lips as he continued, “Whenever I see you, it’s like I can’t even think.
DED: Groose of course being well known for his thinking capabilities otherwise.
Link: Hey yeah Zelda, did YOU ever stop to ask if the reason I make so many jaw-droppingly awesome decisions is that I'm enraptured by your maddening beauty?
Zelda: No one, not even me, is beautiful enough to explain your behavior. The thought HAD crossed my mind, though.
>>All I can do is look at your beautiful blue eyes, or your luscious lips, and I go crazy!”
Zelda: “Like seriously stabbing crazy!”
DED: Well, he premeditated this whole abduction while he WASN’T seeing Link, so he’s not entirely stable to begin with.
>>Groose laughed. “It’s pathetic.
Link: “You REALLY didn’t need to time me up to tell me THAT because it’s pretty obvious.”
>>And now that Zelda is out of the picture,
DED: The aptly-named "Sir Not Appearing In This Film."
>>I can finally do something about it.”
Rauru: "Cut those pretty eyes and lips off, all for meeeeeee heheheheheheheheh..."
>>Groose began to advance towards Link,
Zelda: Heavy fighting erupted along the Somme as the Wehrmacht...
>>still smiling at him. However, now there was a hunger behind those golden eyes,
Rauru: A hunger for tacos and a lust for homo cock.
>>and Link began to feel afraid.
DED: Fulfilling the wishes of that one guy that told you to be afraid, be very afraid.
>>“W-wait. Now, Groose, you know me and Zelda…”
Link: Of-fucking-course he does, there are all of two dozen people ALIVE IN THE SKY FOR HIM TO KNOW.
>>“You and Zelda what?
DED: He does.
Link: Say “what” again! Say it one more motherfucking time!
>>There is no you and Zelda.
Rauru: And there is no spoon, and there is no time, your sword is enough.
Zelda: FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUCK! Do you ENJOY conjuring those Picasso-esque nightmares of my past?
Rauru: Yes, because I didn’t star in them!
Link: I think they’re among my finest work!
>>She’s down on the Surface.
DED: “You know, the place where you can go, whenever you want? Eh? Yeah, I think you see what I’m...no, wait a second.”
>>She could have come back with you if she wanted, but she didn’t.”
Link: But that’s the thing, I know she won’t cheat on me. Because all that’s down there are mole-men, acorn-men, seahorse-men, monsters, dragons, and various other subhuman jabbering abominations.
Rauru: ...That’s kind of racist and elitist.
Link: We’re from the fucking SKY, okay?
>>Groose smirked smugly
DED: And smugged smirkly.
>>at the uncertain look on Link’s face.
Zelda: Ha HA, he’s confused! Making me the victor!
>>He walked even closer to Link. “Like I said before, Link, I don’t want to be friends with you.”
Link: “Well, I have to hand it to you, you’re doing a great job of destroying our friendsh—”
>>Groose placed his hand on Link’s thigh,
Link: “—iiiiiiiiiiIT SHIT SHIT SHITNO!”
>>and whispered, “I want to be more than friends with you. If you get what I mean.”
Rauru: “Let’s start a small business together!”
>>Link turned his face away from Groose’s in an attempt to escape Groose’s probing yellow eyes.
Link: Usually that's not a problem in Skyloft. If you ever want to avoid awkward eye contact or any other social situation, you can just hurl yourself off the side of the world and plummet away from the creepers for a while.
Rauru: ...and fly away, presumably.
>>He felt slightly sick as he imagined what Groose was implying.
DED: POOP, on a DICK.
>>All his life he’d been in love with Zelda!
Zelda: Okay, so, problem solved?
>>She was so beautiful and kind…
Zelda: Right, right, everything Groose isn’t. So this is still a choice becaaaaaaaause...?
>>but she wasn’t here.
Zelda: ...Oh for GOD'S SAKE, are you a BABY? Do objects have no permanence beyond your immediate field of vision?
DED: This is the whole "love the one you're with" argument, reductio ad absurdum.
>>And while Link may have been in love with Zelda,
Rauru: ...you can love someone and still have sex with other people all the time, right?
>>he wasn’t actually certain he was completely straight, either.
Zelda: Oh, oh, I see. He’s figured out that women are better partners in all ways except that other men are much more willing to boink all the time.
>>He had admired the male form on certain occasions,
DED: ...he liked to keep a detailed schedule book with dates and times he’d thoughtfully set aside for doing so.
>>and there was that incident with Ghirahim…
Link: ...DON’T wanna know.
Rauru: I think the author means “EVERY incident with Ghirahim.”
>>Link mentally shook his head.
Link: Hold on, hold on, let me try that. *just shakes his head*
Zelda: No, that’s just shaking your head.
Link: But I was doing it mentally, you see. *grabs head with hands and shakes it* Nowowowo I’m’m nodotodtot *stops* Ow. Now my head hurts.
>>Many of the men in Skyloft were about halfway between the two sexualities; it wasn’t frowned upon.
DED: See? Skyloft's progressive social policies have led to tolerance and freedom.
Link: Yeah, but then I have to deal with knightly nanny staters who rescue me when I fall off a cliff and give me an unskippable cutscene and a lecture. I can CALL my own Loftwing. THANKS SKYBAMA.
Rauru: Skybama gon' take our bows away.
>>While Link was lost in his mental musings,
Zelda: ...Most of the day, really.
Link: ...displayed ALL the signs that it was a problem with the catalytic converter, and I told her so. “Goddammit Link, you’re a swordsman, you don’t know anything about cars,” aaaaaaand she continued to whinge as I blowtorched through the chassis to get to the...
>>Groose took the time to admire Link’s lithe form.
DED: Suddenly it didn’t seem so worth it after all.
>>Link’s highly defined chest
Rauru: 2.1 megapixel 1080p?
>>was rising and falling with each breath,
Zelda: More on this shocking and unexpected story as it develops.
>>and his alluring smooth skin was shining slightly in the lantern light with a thin sheen of perspiration.
DED: This is like an Old Spice ad only the homoeroticism isn’t veiled by layers of absurdist symbology.
>>When he couldn’t take it any longer, Groose began to undress Link, starting with his shirt.
Zelda: Oh, I thought he was naked already for some reason.
DED: Me too, I guess we all jumped to conclusions.
Rauru: Actually it’s rather courteous of him to have left them on.
>>“H-hey, what are you doing?” Link stuttered.
Link: Okay, now surely this even I can figure out.
>>Groose paused only to look up at Link and smile again, saying,
Rauru: "...what in the HELL do you think I'm doing you dense motherfucker?!?"
>>“I told you how I feel; now it’s time I show you.”
Link: With EXTREME prejudice!
DED: That's taking the old Creative Writing 101 chestnut "show and don't tell" a titch too far.
Zelda: I was kind of hoping that since no one asked, he wouldn't tell. Too bad THAT got repealed, THANKS SKYBAMA.
>>Link protested throughout the whole thing,
Link: All right, good. Hopefully I make for a feisty rape victim and not a complete simpering lump like Zelda in front of that purple-skinned nancy-boy that one time.
DED: Rage, rage against the dying of the light!
>>but once Groose was done undressing him, he was glad he’d done it.
Rauru: Hold on, who was glad?
>>He felt about a million degrees hotter
DED: Y'know, given a nine-hundred-ninety-nine-thousand-nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine-point margin of error.
>>just looking at Link’s body, glowing in the light.
Zelda: Aaaaaaand BURST into flame! Ignite! Be...a million...degrees...DAMN, these stories never deliver on their promises.
>>His torso was now on display,
Rauru: On loan from the Tate Gallery's exquisite "Great VG Protagonist Torsos" collection.
>>the muscles clenching and unclenching as Link breathed, and it was covered in a light dusting of pale golden hairs.
Link: I can't grow a beard to save my life, but my chest hair is magnificent. It's just unfair that chest-beards aren't given the same respect.
Zelda: All beards anywhere are pointless unfashionable messes.
Link: Well there you go!
>>Groose followed the line of hair leading down to Link’s manhood,
DED: Just follow the yellow follicle road!
>>which was still soft, but sizeable.
Rauru: The Soft and the Sizeable 6: coming this summer.
DED: ...YOU, really.
>>Groose was impressed;
Zelda: “...I didn’t think it would be soft AND sizeable!”
>>he hadn’t thought that Link’s cock would be that big,
Link: You just...can’t...quite...prepare yourself for it.
>>compared to his small stature. He couldn’t wait to taste it.
DED: Yes, I can just taste his stature already...
>>“Groose, don’t do this,” Link whispered.
Link: Man I just cannot catch a BREAK! What is it about me that makes authors write about me getting raped? Is it so appealing to have the big strong heroic me being helpless and abused?
Zelda: Well, clearly, it is.
>>His protesting had made his voice hoarse.
Rauru: ...he only said ONE THING in protestation! Maybe two. He certainly hasn’t been shouting his head off for hours.
DED: Though maybe he should.
>>Groose shivered pleasantly
Zelda: ...I don’t find it pleasant, but thanks for not asking MY input, story.
>>and ran his hand down Link’s chest,
DED: “Ooh, is that mahogany? How many cubic feet is that chest?”
>>tweaking a hard nipple on the way down.
Link: It’s been a hard day’s nipple, and I’ve been working like a dog.
>>He bent his head and began to lick Link’s neck, biting occasionally and sucking. Link gasped and let out a choked cry.
DED: Technically, TECHNICALLY, if you’re capable of making noise you aren’t actually choking.
>>Groose’s eyes flicked down to Link’s penis,
Rauru: Yep, still there, right where you left it.
>>which seemed to be growing hard, despite his protests.
Zelda: ...Why is Groose protesting? I thought that was...oh, DAMN IT, wrong “he”.
Link: Authors of homosexual erotica REALLY need to realize how confusing that is.
>>Groose licked and sucked his way down to Link’s nipples,
DED: Me, I’d have chosen a nice Lamborghini for the journey, or maybe an Aston Martin.
>>paying attention to each small projection.
Link: Overhead or otherwise.
Rauru: Ah, isn’t it great having an attentive lover?
Zelda: Ahhahaha, ahha, ha, I reeeeeally wouldn’t know.
Link: ...great as the Beatles are, the Isley Brothers version IS just better. So anyway I wanted a new blender so...
>>Link clenched his teeth and attempted not to make too much noise,
Zelda: …...................PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTT RIGHT.
Link: ...and the blender salesman was horrified! I told him it worked when I saw it on the Internet but...
>>so as not to encourage Groose more…
Rauru: Wait, MORE? As in he was already encouraging Groose somewhat to begin with?
DED: “Groose, don’t do this” sounds like a pretty strong indictment, actually.
>>but it felt good. Reallygood.
>>No one had ever touched him before…
Link: Can’t touch this DOOOO DOO DOO DOO, BWEEEEEE-EEEEEEEEEEEE!
>>Groose was on his knees before Link
Rauru: Uhhhhh...kneel before Zod?
>>and beamed at the sigh of Link’s half-hard penis.
DED: Bullshit, it’s all just artificial difficulty. Like, don’t you hate the so-called “Hard” so-called “Mode” where all it does is just make the enemies enormous damage sponges and doesn’t make them any smarter or deadlier? That’s not difficulty, it's just tedium.
Zelda: Wow, you must have been ITCHING for a chance to bust out that rant.
>>Soon, it would be even harder. Because of him.
Link: Okay, okay, this is legitimately fucked-up. I mean this is the actual kind of fucked-up reasoning real rapists use. I’m not liking this.
Zelda: Link, Link, get a grip. You’ve got to keep what’s left of your mind together, man.
Link: I can’t take the stories anymore man, you gotta cut me! You gotta cut me Mick!
>>Link cried out as Groose’s large, wet mouth engulfed his penis.
Rauru: “I say, your large wet mouth has engulfed my penis!”
>>While Link wasn’t small by any means, his cock wasn’t above average either,
Zelda: Hey, accuracy!
Link: What? No, heresy. Blasphemy. Slander and libel.
>>and would fit in Groose’s large mouth even when fully erect.
DED: Eurrgh. I knew Groose had a giant frog-like mouth but...eurrgh.
Rauru: Why it rivals the cave itself for capaciousness!
>>Link’s eyes rolled back in his head
Link: "Here we go agaaaaaaaiiiin!"
>>as his hips involuntarily pumped forward
Rauru: Ah HA, it was all involuntary muscular reflexes, he's not willingly gay!
Zelda: Wouldn't being reflexively gay be a pretty strong indicator that...
>>into Groose’s hot, tight mouth.
DED: Mouth can’t be large AND tight, I call bullshit.
>>It was at this point that Link ceased to care what was happening,
Link: Whoa-ho-ho-ho, I stopped caring almost before the story even began.
>>he just didn’t want it to end.
Zelda: ...until he could collect an adequate amount of blackmail footage.
>>Groose smiled around Link’s hard member, drool seeping out of his mouth.
Rauru: Having been smiling whilst attempting to consume sausages, bananas, and other phallic food items, I can confirm it's a problem.
>>Link tasted so good.
DED: No, I refuse to believe it. You are enjoying the erotic act and that's tricking your brain. Link's actual TASTE is of dead skin cells and sweat.
Rauru: Trust me, I am something of an expert in taste.
Zelda: ...though not THAT kind of "taste."
>>He could suck his cock all night and never be tired of it…
Link: I think tedium would set in around the two-hour mark, but then again I've never personally performed that much continuous oral sex.
>>but he wanted more.
DED: I want it all...I want it all...I want it all...and I want it now!
>>He pulled back with a pop,
Zelda: Pop sucks, long live rock.
Rauru: You’re both wrong, long live Pop Rocks.
>>licking his lips and grinning when Link shuddered at Groose’s sultry expression.
Link: Shuddering is definitely a sign of satisfaction and encouragement.
Zelda: You sure ACT that way.
>>“If I untie your ankles, do you promise not to kick at me?”
DED: “Uh, sure, if you promise to stop raping me.”
>>Groose asked. Link nodded frantically. “I promise I won’t do anything Groose,
Link: I can happily agree to THAT!
Zelda: That’s a promise you’ve already pretty much de-facto made.
>>just don’t stop…”
DED: "...B-because...oncoming traffic has the...right of...way..."
Rauru: I can't stop, I can't stop, the liiiiiightning’s striiiiiiiiiiking agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain!
>>Groose undid Link’s bindings and hoisted Link’s legs onto his shoulders.
>>He then licked from Link’s asshole to his scrotum,
DED: WHOA, geez, you don’t wanna maybe soften that, talk it up a bit, be a TINY bit more elegant and romantic about it?
Zelda: Nah nah, chode munching. Tell it like it is.
>>leaving a long trail of drool on the way.
Rauru: Drool, the SEXIEST of all secretions.
Link: ...like a piggy?
DED: Yeah, I’d assume so.
>>and humped his pelvis towards Groose’s face,
Zelda: Oh, that's his response to pretty much everything.
Link: Yes, the judge was really quite insistent that I change that.
>>his cock rubbing in Groose’s hair.
Rauru: Hey man, no need to rub it in.
>>“Oh, you like that, do you?” Groose chuckled.
Link: “Well there are a whole lot of things I'd like MORE...”
>>“By the way, Link, you taste amazing…
DED: "I taste peanut butter. Were you doing naughty things with your dog?"
>>I can’t wait to taste more!”
Rauru: Wow, he's giving ME a run for my money!
Zelda: Wait, what more is there for him to ta—
>>And with that, he buried his face in the crease of Link’s buttocks,
Link: Hey, my horoscope was right, I am gonna read about rimjobs today!
>>his long, thick tongue worming
DED: Grima Wormtongue?
>>it’s way into Link’s asshole.
Zelda: Yes, it IS way into Link’s asshole!
>>Link was completely out of his mind.
Link: Be that as it may, Groose is crazier.
>>He’d never imagined anything could feel so good.
Rauru: He almost certainly didn't imagine being tongue-raped in a cave would feel so good.
>>He couldn’t stop himself from moaning,
Zelda: I know the phenomenon well.
Link: Heh heh heh, that’s right baby, who’s your sugar daddy?
Zelda: It’s not the same kind of moaning.
>>it just kept coming out of his mouth,
DED: Yep, noises just tumbling out of his cakehole, that DOES sound like Link.
Link: ...and Zelda COMPLETELY overreacted to what was in essence a minor, innocent electrical fire. So to make it up to her I decided to do some DIY reupholstering on her favorite...
Zelda: *uncontrolable moaning*
>>and his cock was being pleasantly caressed by Groose’s pompadour.
All: *loses it*
DED: No, no, no, this is TOO silly. I disbelieve.
>>“Groose, Groose, Groose…”
Rauru: Oh OScar, OScar, OScar!
>>he moaned, as Groose’s tongue reached even further into him
Link: Damn, Gene Simmons over here is going to have some serious regrets pretty soon.
DED: You mean he'll come out of this wearing a...shit-eating grin?
Zelda: Ka-barf. Thanks loads for that.
>>and stroked something inside him
Rauru: Ego, probably.
>>that made him see stars.
DED: Yes, he somehow got his tongue from Link's anus all the way into his occipital lobe, which he is now licking.
Link: ...The fuck you say?
DED: That's the visual cortex of the brain. Seeing stars is a result of damaging it.
Link: Oh, so Groose gave me brain damage?
Zelda: I'm pretty sure this story already has given me brain damage.
DED: Yep, the lunatic is on the grass all right.
Rauru: "I just remembered my trusty rape whistle!"
>>Groose smiled, Link could feel it against his ass,
Link: That WOULD be odd.
Zelda: Probably better than frowny-rimming, though. A positive attitude makes all the difference.
>>and the scrape of teeth against his skin made him shudder.
Link: ReDead flashbacks. I'll get over it.
Zelda: Ooooooor you'll have a complete psychotic break and go comatose like that one time.
DED: I'm sure Groose won't care either way.
>>Groose continued to rim Link,
Rauru: OH GOOD I WAS JUST WONDERING IF HE HAD STOPPED.
>>stroking and stroking and stroking
Zelda: Yeah, I hope he has a stroke.
>>against that spot inside of him and his hair kept rubbing against Link’s cock
Link: I'm sorry, but when has being tickled by hairs been anything other than annoying?
>>as Link humped his pelvis forward,
DED: Hey, the author just used that EXACT PHRASE like four sentences ago. How stiltedly redundant.
Rauru: In fact it sounds even sillier now than it did the first time.
>>and then Groose’s hand reached up and squeezed his cock,
Link: Goddammit be more specific! THEY BOTH HAVE THOSE!
>>his thumb pressing firmly against the head of Link’s cock, and Link exploded.
DED: Oh, I guess that was Link’s detonator switch.
Zelda: Or maybe he’s really furious at this turn of events. I’d be.
>>His seed squirted out forcefully, coating Groose’s hand and hair, and Link screamed.
Rauru: This is TERRIFYING!
>>He had never felt this good in his whole life, not even after he beat the Demon King.
Link: What? No, bullshit, defeating evil overlords gives me the greatest high known to man. Why the hell else would I do it over and over? Chasing that dragon, man.
>>Groose emerged from between Link’s thighs,
Zelda: Ah, the birth of Dionysus.
DED: ...I get it.
>>wiping the excess semen off of his head,
Rauru: Somehow I suspect that when he set out for this endeavour, he didn’t quite envision THIS happening.
Link: Really, I don't think any of us were prepared.
>>licking his lips and smiling at Link lustily. “Do you want more?” he asked.
Zelda: Oh hey, it actually IS the midnight hour, so...
Link: ...he cried more, more, more?
>>Link could barely form a sentence, but he nodded his head and said, “Untie me.”
DED: He can just overpower Groose now and cart him off to jail. See, more rape stories need to acknowledge that Stockholm syndrome takes longer than like five minutes.
>>Once he was free of his bonds, Link launched himself at Groose,
Link: Ah HA! This looks promising, like an escape attempt.
>>knocking the larger man to the floor and straddling him.
Zelda: Nnnnnnnope, this still seems pretty gay.
Link: No no no, this is standard ground-fighting stuff. I still have hope that I’m about to beat the ever-living shit out of...
>>He could feel Groose’s huge, stiff member through his pants, and squirmed atop it, his own cock starting to harden again.
DED: ...Not looking good, my friend.
Link: Goddamn it. Real love never, EVER works this way.
>>Link ripped open Groose’s shirt
Rauru: Ah ha, take THAT Clark Kent, your secret’s out.
>>and began to suck on one of Groose’s large, hairy nipples.
Zelda: Has he never stopped to ask why?
>>Groose squealed, and grabbed Link’s ass as he stiffened.
DED: Hey, anyone playing grab-ass gets a night in the box.
>>Even as Link worried a nipple softly with his teeth,
Link: I would worry if someone was chewing my nipple.
>>Groose’s large fingers were probing Link’s asshole,
Rauru: And just what exactly is he thinking he’ll discover? That’s it, I’m slashing his funding.
>>stroking it softly and making the Hero moan as his still-sensitive hole clenched and unclenched.
DED: I’m glad I don’t work on a space station, hollowed-out volcano lair, or anywhere else that has futuristic circular iris doors.
Link: Wait, I don’t g...OOOOOOOOOOOOOH.
>>“Let me taste you,” Link gasped out.
Rauru: “Make sure you’re not undercooked.”
>>Groose smiled to himself; this was going much better than he’d even dreamed it would.
Zelda: Well, at least you can’t accuse him of unwarranted optimism.
DED: Though you CAN accuse him of premeditated assault and battery, sexual harassment, rape, and forgery in THIS STORY ALONE.
>>He obligingly slid out of his pants
Link: Definitely a skill worth cultivating.
Zelda: Yeah, y—
Link: —In the time it took you to say that, I just slid out of my pants.
Zelda: What? Y—oh my God he did.
Rauru: That’s...as impressive as it is disturbing. Can you now maybe...slide back INTO...
Link: No that's...rrrggt...just as labor-intensive as...nggh...ever.
>>and then sat against the wall of the cave,
DED: Just to reiterate, there's about to be anal penetration here in the depths of this cave.
>>his legs spread proudly
Zelda: THAT’s a pretty rare turn of phrase.
>>as he inclined his head to Link.
Rauru: MY current inclination is for some strawberry frogurt.
DED: ...aaaaaand what is it now?
Rauru: Eggs benedict. It changes every few seconds.
Zelda: Truly you’re a tempestuous man.
>>The other man seemed a bit shocked
Link: “Wait a tick...I have to do something to you now?”
>>at the size and rigidness of Groose’s cock.
DED: Specifically, its lack of both!
>>He situated himself between Groose’s legs and took the member timidly in his hand,
Link: Yeah, I'd like to dismember dis member.
DED: Why'd you say it twice?
Link: No, I mean I wanna dismember dis member.
DED: That's still just tautological.
Link: Look, I want to dismember dis member!
DED: Wait, you mean you want to sever this penis?
DED: Den why dint ya say dat in da foist place?
>>stroking it with his fingers.
Zelda: Yes, the generally accepted stroking methodology I believe.
>>Groose groaned and took Link’s head in his big hands,
Rauru: Yes, yes, he’s very large indeed.
>>guiding his head down to his cock.
Link: How much guidance could I POSSIBLY need?
Zelda: You require guidance getting food from the fridge to the countertop to a plate to your mouth.
Link: Look, that’s a lot of steps to remember at once!
Rauru: This is why I skip all those intermediate steps, they’re just inefficient.
>>Link’s small pink tongue darted out to flick against the head before his small mouth
DED: So Link is small and Groose is big and they’re both bi-curious. The author’s deft, nuanced characterization adds so much to what would otherwise be just trite, forgettable hardcore gay porn.
>>slid over the large bulbous head of Groose’s penis.
Zelda: If we want to acknowledge the mushroom-like nature of the penis, instead of calling it the head, it should be called the cap.
Link: The cock-cap. I...I’d roll with that!
Zelda: Cool, this could be the start of the revolution.
Link: As Legend of Zelda fans know, I’m a perennial fan of the floppy cap.
>>Groose fisted his hands in Link’s soft hair.
Rauru: Now THAT is some subtle fucking foreshadowing.
>>“LINK,” he panted, his hips thrusting up towards Link’s mouth,
DED: Wouldn’t it be annoying, if you were trying to give a blowjob, to have the person--the target really--jerking and twitching and thrusting around unpredictably?
Zelda: You have NO idea. No do I, really, that shit’s beneath my dignity.
Link: But you graduated from Blowjob Academy.
Zelda: And Dave graduated with a degree in English, and the only fucking English thing about him is that he watches Top Gear.
DED: That makes less than no sense.
>>gagging the hero slightly.
Link: That DOES make me gag. Like right just now I kind of threw up but kept it down.
>>Link couldn’t fit Groose’s humongous member into his mouth all the way,
Rauru: Man, I can SO understand.
DED: I’m glad he’s being punished for his impractical penis.
Zelda: Uhhhh...that’s not usually how popular culture would have it.
DED: No, come on, having a huge penis should be like having a really impractical supercar. It attracts women but it’s completely useless in all aspects of mundane daily life.
Zelda: ...you DO watch Top Gear.
DED: Just shut up.
>>but he made an impressive attempt.
Zelda: Can’t say that I am.
DED: So yeah, 0-for-4 on that one.
>>His small fingers
Zelda: FIND. MORE. ADJECTIVES.
DED: I’d like to direct the author to a thesaurus. But if the author hasn’t heard of one, then...how could I say what it is? I wonder if there’s some way to find other words to use to describe a thing...
Link: ...a dictionary?
DED: ...You fucking ruined my joke.
Link: What? I don't understand!
>>cupped and massaged Groose’s heavy balls,
Zelda: Shaken, not stirred.
>>making Groose groan and huff.
Rauru: I know, this really IS intolerable.
>>It didn’t take long for Groose to ejaculate grandly into Link’s mouth,
DED: Zelda, feel like granding this up?
Zelda: Oh, uh, I bequeath...uh, this ejaculation, forsooth, in nomine reginae, deas gratia, excessus in aeternum. There, fuck it, I’m done.
DED: Hold on, “In Excess Forever?”
Zelda: Hereditary motto.
>>making the Hero choke
Link: IT MAKES ME SICK!!!
>>and attempt to swallow all of the sticky cum.
Rauru: Yes, the judges are standing ready to confirm the record...
>>Groose grabbed Link and kissed him sloppily,
DED: As an author, I’d have gone with “shoddily.”
Zelda: Yeah, yeah. “Lackadaisically,” maybe.
Rauru: “Negligently,” perhaps?
DED: Ooh, yeah. This is some good editing.
>>his tongue probing Link’s and tasting his own semen.
Rauru: Hardly a taster's choice.
>>Link smiled dazedly at him as he drew back, his eyes bright and feverish.
DED: Hard to tell if he's been rimmed out by a pompadoured doofus or won a beauty contest, really.
Link: I was just thinking, that's how I'd react to Simon Cowell saying I'm moving on to the next round.
>>Groose noticed that Link was hard again,
Zelda: Hardly an accomplishment noticing THAT, if we're honest.
>>and he felt his own dick start to respond.
DED: Yeah, he's ready to transfer some packets all right.
Link: Yeah he's got a real broadband with plenty of bandwidth if you know what I mean.
Rauru: He really failed to register with the DNS because the DNS lookup...no that's no good.
>>“Get on your hands and knees,” he told the Hero.
Zelda: "Um, you know, please, thank you."
>>Link complied easily,
Link: Well it isn’t hard.
>>and Groose proceeded to rim Link again,
DED: ...like we did last summer! Rim Link again, like we did last yeeeeeeeeeeeear!
>>enjoying the squeals and breathy sighs that Link emitted.
Zelda: Link, I have to say that your emissions rate is terrible. I’m afraid you’ll have to pay pollution tax.
Link: But I learned to poop in the toilet a long time ago!
Zelda: No you daft idiot, I mean like in the story. Noise pollution.
>>Before Link could come, Groose
Rauru: ...had made sure to apply pomade to his pompadour, splash on some patchouli oil, and get his cufflinks immaculate.
>>swabbed his erection with a gob of spit and guided it into Link’s small hole.
DED: Now, some of Links SMALLEST holes are his nostrils, ears...pores...
Zelda: Stop, immediately. Go no further in your list of small holes, or I will put many small holes in you.
>>Link gritted his teeth against the pain;
Link: Nope, no, yelling is the way.
>>he’d been through worse
Rauru: Were the electric rolling cuttlefish worse?
Link: Than anal penetration from Groose? Uhhhhhhnnnnnnoooooooo. No.
>>but it was still an altogether uncomfortable feeling.
Zelda: So if reading this story is an 8 out of 10, this is probably....hmm...
>>As soon as Groose was all the way inside of him, Link savored the feeling of it
Rauru: Until that moment, resentment reigned supreme. Then...
>>—the stretching, burning warmth filled him
Link: Still isn’t...no...just doesn’t seem worth it to me.
>>and he could feel the head of Groose’s cock rubbing against the special spot inside of him.
DED: Is it his glowing weak point that he'll only reveal after doing his strongest attack?
Link: That does happen to me a lot, the old "bam I did my attack oh no now I'm stuck please pummel my most vulnerable area" routine. Boss monsters are tough but they can never resist the high-risk/high-reward attack options.
Zelda: You could teach monster theory at the Royal Academy, based solely on your lifetime of experience, if you only had an attention span better than a gnat.
Link: But don't you think we need more control surfaces to keep the aircraft stable at high speed?
Link: OOH, sorry, I imagined you said something else because what you were saying in real life was boring.
>>Groose pulled back and Link groaned at the loss of contact,
Rauru: He knew that if he didn't find Contact again and return it to the video rental, he'd have to pay late fees.
>>but then Groose slammed back into him and Link screamed with pleasure.
DED: I just hope your sword-GPS-with-a-unibang doesn't get involved.
Link: Can't say it wouldn't liven things up, though.
DED: She'd probably blather on about how you now have an 8.6% chance to contract gonorrhea or a 12.5% chance of anal prolapse. Cripes.
Rauru: You sound bitter.
DED: Man, I have such a good reference I'm saving for when we do a story featuring Fi properly.
Zelda: I've guessed it already.
DED: Nuh uh shut up.
>>It was absolutely amazing being inside of Link, Groose thought to himself
Link: That sounds WAY too coherent. Most thoughts during sex are sort of just "uh fuck uh god bazzzrrrlllrttttfzzzzzzz boobies."
Rauru: That's just your thoughts, all the time.
Link: I know, I'm a sex machine.
>>as he humped back and forth into Link’s asshole.
DED: Now that he has all these humps, I'm forced to ask, "Whatcha gonna do with all those humps?"
Zelda: ...I looked to the song for an answer but...that's all about lovely lady lumps. Curses!
DED: Now you see: Looking for guidance from, or listening to music by, the Black Eyed Peas is a terrible idea.
>>The squishy wet warmth was clinging to his cock even better than Link’s mouth had,
Rauru: I won't stand for this whole butts-before-mouths malarkey! Putting food in your mouth is so much better than when...
Zelda: Abupupupupupupup no, no, STOP.
>>and he loved dominating Link.
Link: Ah, but now the terrible brilliance of my stratagem: once he has me, he'll never get rid of me. Isn't that right my little snuvley-wuvley cuddle princess?
Zelda: Well do I know of what you speak, and woe unto me for that rueful knowing.
Link: I'm glad we have each other too!
>>He reached forward and squeezed Link’s cock with his hand; Link moaned and his whole ass clenched around Groose’s cock. “Ungh—Link—I’m g-gonna come soon—“ Groose grunted.
Rauru: Why exactly does he feel the need to say that? Link will definitely know when it happens.
>>Link moved his ass in time with Groose’s cock,
DED: Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin', into his butthole...
>>spreading his legs more and trembling as he, too, felt the need to come
Zelda: YOU, TOO can take advantage of HUGE HUGE SAVINGS!!!
>>rise within him.
Link: Do the impossible, see the invisible!
>>“G-groose…” he moaned, and Groose came inside him.
Rauru: Well that was refreshingly uncomplicated.
>>The feeling of Groose’s spasming cock and the hot semen inside of Link’s ass sent him over the edge;
Zelda: ...of a chasm, here in this cave?
>>he cried out and spurted all over the cave floor.
DED: Oh great, this geological wonder is much improved.
Link: Some of the stalactamatites and stuff in caves kinda DO look covered in spooge, though.
DED: Ah you see, that's actually the slow millennial drip of calcium carbonate, or as I like to call it, "Nature's money shot."
>>Groose’s spasming slowed,
Rauru: We're losing him. Nurse, I need 1500 CC's of fucks!
Zelda: But doctor, I don't have a fuck to give!
>>and he pulled his dick out of Link slowly.
Link: Sure, don't hurry on MY behalf.
>>He collapsed on the ground next to Link.
Rauru: Pop pop pop watchin’ motherfuckers drop.
DED: The hell do you know about being gangsta?
Rauru: I was talking about my popcorn. *distant microwave ding* Oh! It’s done, just in time for the afterglow portion of the story.
>>Link turned to him and smiled tiredly.
Zelda: Ah, the tired smile of someone being oppressed by a loved one. I know that that’s like.
Link: What? Is this about the time when I reupholstered the...
Zelda: STOP BRINGING THAT UP!
>>“I’m glad you told me, Groose,” he murmured.
DED: I don’t even remember what was told anymore.
Rauru: Some recipe of his for pot roast in a cherry jus, I believe.
>>“But next time, you don’t need to knock me out beforehand.”
Zelda: You’re supposed to knock them out right before you climax. Isn’t that the idea?
>>Groose felt a lightness within his being,
DED: Well, I really hope the lightness of being was unbearable.
>>and he grinned at Link goofily. “Next time will be better,” he promised Link, but he was already asleep.
Link: ...the HELL? Do I have narcolepsy? Seriously, I fell asleep in the millisecond interval between me saying something and him responding?
Rauru: Maybe you're just faking it to avoid dealing with him further.
>>Groose was just glad there would be a next time.
Zelda: Revenge is a powerful motivator.
DED: Groose will return in: “Thunderball”!
>>He fell asleep on the cave floor with a smile on his face.
Link: I do so look forward to falling asleep on the ground in a cave with him again soon.
DED: And so another healthy relationship begins with a friendly rape. It’s remarkable how well this works at producing true love.
Rauru: Yeah, I think we’ve cracked it. Cave rape is the fastest path to bliss. It’s so simple, even cavemen knew it.