Saturday, December 30, 2017

"Jugs" by Waga64

In the not-too distant future,

Somewhere on the Internet,

Lurked a crazy rambling author

no one could just quite forget,

Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made

Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,

They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,

So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space

We’ll send him crappy fanfics,

The worst we can find, (la la la!)

He’ll have to sit and read them all

And we’ll monitor his mind

Now keep in mind he can’t control

When the fics begin or end

He’ll try to keep his sanity

With the help of his character friends:

Random Roll Call!

Pictograph Guy! “RT if u agree!”

Rauru! “Oh, gimme the meat, boys, and feed my soul, I wanna go toast up a sausage roll and gorge away..."

Zelda! “Fortis fortuna iuvat! No wait, fortuna favit fortibus!”

Link! “Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?”

If you don’t get how he stays alive

Or other technicalities,

Just bear in mind that I don’t care

So don’t bother asking, please

On Random Silly Theater 3000!

“Jugs” by Waga64

>>"Open the gate!"

Zelda: *CRASH* “Whoops! Never mind, I guess.”

Rauru: ALREADY with the intense sexual imagery!

>>With that, the wall of iron bars rolled over to the side to open up the path.

DED: And so, the gate was, in fact, opened. And that, dear readers, is the end of our little tale...an amusing diversion to be sure, but one that holds a valuable lesson for us all.

>>Epona trotted forward into the dirt path, pulling the milk crate-loaded wagon behind her.

Zelda: “Gods, it wasn’t supposed to be like thi-i-i-is…*nee-eee-eeigh* I thought after I helped save the world I’d be posing with Link for an equestrian portrait or somethin’ by now!”

Rauru: “I’m a famous horse! People should be fighting over the chance to get their stallions to sire my foals! *BRRRBLBLBLBL*”

>>Link had his hands on the reigns, and Malon had her hands on Link.

Link: While Malon has her ass on Epona, and Epona had the bridle with the reins that Link was holding in her mouth, and the circle is complete.

Rauru: I’m guessing here, but I bet there are some horseflies touching one or more of the participants that you’d have to factor in too.

DED: Those aren't part of the loop, those are diverticula. Tangents.

Rauru: This shit’s complex.

>>With his focus on the road before him, she loomed in closer and quickly wrapped her arms around him.

Link: UM I AM TRYING TO DRIVE HERE THIS IS VERY IRRESPONSIBLE.

Rauru: Is this one of those cautionary driving school videos?

>>He flinched and looked back at her smirking face, her chin propped up on his shoulder.

Zelda: It was then that Epona hit a patch of black ice and spun out. He had but milliseconds to react, and ol’ Hooters McDairy over here distracted him. They never found all of their body parts after the ensuing crash.

>>Link kept his grip tight on the reigns

DED: “REIGN” MEANS A PERIOD OF RULE. THE WORD FOR THE THINGS THAT CONTROL HORSES IS “REINS.” NO G.

Rauru: Oh hey, update your scorecards everyone, this is the first time he’s ranted about THIS particular homophone.

DED: Like a REINdeer. Like Santa Claus. Do you think Santa Claus is RULED OVER by his reindeer? No, of course not. Only madmen and Communists would think that.

Zelda: Yes, but the real question is, do I bless the reigns down in Africa?

Link: Well, I’d like to take some time to do the things we never had...

DED: Yes, but many reigning African leaders are tinpot dictators who practice flagrant human rights abuses.

Rauru: So in a “chocolate” reign, some stay dry and others feel the pain.

DED: ...My GOD, that was bad.

Rauru: Yeah I regret that immediately.

>>as he playfully jabbed her in the side.

Zelda: “Ha ha! You playfully ruptured my gallbladder! Ow...”

>>"C-mon, knock it off…"

Rauru: As requested, Malon knocks him off. Of the wagon.

DED: Well, she knocks “it” off. Depending on what “it” is...well, the rest of this story might not be possible if “it” is what I think “it” is.

>>Malon giggled. "Well, since you asked so politely…" She trailed her fingertips over his tunic, running her hand down his chest and abdomen.

Zelda: “Well, since you asked so politely...I will continue to pester and grope you. That’s what ‘knock it off’ means, right?”

>>She raised her face up to his level, seeing that he couldn't help hiding his smile.

Link: Wait, Malon is hugging me and her chin is propped up on my shoulder, per the story, so she must be sitting behind me. Yes? It said I looked “back” at her. Surely she isn’t sitting literally in my fucking lap.

DED: I wouldn’t rule that out. She might be straddling you. This story might endorse a Guns-n-Roses version of sexuality in which you ride a horse bareback and fuck bareback while a hundred guitars wail.

Link: Okay, assume not, assume she’s behind me.

Zelda: Okay.

Link: So she’s “raising her face up to my level” and seeing that I’m smiling. Um, fucking how? I am significantly taller than her and she’s behind me! Did she extend her neck around to look at my face like one of those Japanese snake-neck-lady-monsters?!?

Rauru: Well come on, did you think she wouldn’t be a horrible cursed monster bride?

Link: Rookie mistake I guess...

>>Her hand drifted down some more and wandered around his lap.

DED: Heh heh heh, I bet you didn’t know this horse was a “stick shift,” heh heh heh, why don’t you shift us up a gear little lady...

>>Link opened his mouth to say something, but Malon locked her lips with him before he could protest.

Zelda: If only there were some kind of tape-on lips that I could lock securely over Link’s mouth at all times.

Link: Don’t be ridiculous, you know full well that I can keep talking and telling my awesome stories even while kissing and even full-on hardcore fucking.

Zelda: Yeah. I think the only way for this premise to work would be to trap your mind in a never-ending orgasm.

DED: Oh not THAT shit again.

>>He surrendered quickly

Rauru: Vichy Bouche.

>>and welcomed her tongue,

DED: When Malon comes by to bang again, hurrah, hurrah! We’ll give her a horny welcome then, hurrah, hurrah! Oh the men will nut, the boys will gawk, the ladies take notes on her skill with cock, and we’ll all feel gay when Malon comes by to bang!

Rauru: ...Stirring.

Link: What do you mean “feel gay?”

DED: Look, the song is from the Civil War. Gay meant happy.

Link: ...The Civil War wasn’t very gay at all!

DED: Yes but the song is about when...never mind.

>>leaning in over her. The two tongues danced together and explored each other's mouths.

Rauru: It was the shortest, boringest, moistest, least-productive exploration mission ever.

Zelda: THIS is what you did with those millions in grant money?!

>>Her hands started rubbing in his inner thighs, inching slowly upwards.

DED: Inch by inch, she floated into the sky.

>>She tugged on his shirt's collar and pulled him in tighter,

Link: “GAAAAGGKKKGKAK Y-YEEURR CHOOOKKKNNG MMUHMUMEE…”

Zelda: “Mmm, yeah, that’s the stuff.”

>>suckling down on him and kissing deeper.

Rauru: Deeper than both their tongues fully in each other’s mouths? How? Did one of them climb in?

DED: Please Lord let us dodge any stories about that fetish pretty much indefinitely.

>>Link's hands approached her body, easing up towards her chest.

Zelda: Oh yeah, Link’s hands are ALWAYS hesitant to grab boobies, SHE SAID WITHOUT EVEN A HINT OF SARCASM, YES FOR SURE.

Link: Yes, but have you considered that *honks Zelda’s boobies* A-WROOOOOOO-GAH!

Zelda: *grabs Link’s face with both hands, headbutts him in the nose with her forehead*

>>She parted her lips from his and leaned in to whisper in his year.

Rauru: The Year of the Link. You are impulsive, stupid, short-sighted, and oblivious, but also incredibly brave and enthusiastic and annoyingly indispensable. Marry a Tortoise or an Ox. Avoid the Rat, because those tend to steal your Rupees.

>>"Watch the reigns, fairy boy~"

DED: “Especially when I do THIS! And THIS! Ha ha! Oops, wagon’s snaking pretty badly now, LOOOOOOOOOL!”

Link: Zedda, I’b soddy I hogged your boobies.

Zelda: Apology accepted. You suffered the consequences, and maybe, FUCKING MAYBE, you’ll learn something. Operant conditioning works on you, right? You’re as smart as a snail or a protozoa?

Link: Yeah, aboud dad, I feewl dike dere’s bids of by doze-bones jabbed ub in my brain.

Zelda: Up in your what? Don’t be silly.

Link: Ogay, I gez deez weird gullers and shabes I’m seebig are no bid deal.

Zelda: Walk it off you femme. How do you think my poor delicate boobies feel?

Link: Yer ride, togging cagdus where Zedda use do be sidding! Ib you see her, dell her ayb soddy and mayg zhur I didn't dabbage her boobies and led her know I took a bid of a lie-down undil the world stobs spidding.

>>Link jolted back and snatched the reigns before they fell off the wagon.

Rauru: And I wonder, still I wonder, whooooo’ll stop the reins?

Link: Me! I will! I did!

DED: Yes but have you ever seen the reins, coming down on a sunny day?

Link: Uh, yeah, they just WERE coming down. But I caught them.

>>His face turned a bright red, not helped by Malon's giggles beside him.

Zelda: ...I’m not even sure how Malon’s giggles could help!

>>"Horses don't run into trees very often…"

Link: So let’s!

>>He said as an excuse to justify his lack of attention.

DED: “I mean, YOU’VE got a face like a horse, Malon, and YOU don’t usually...”

>>He aimed his eyes back at the road to see the drawbridge of the castle straight ahead,

Zelda: An act that required every ounce of mental fortitude he possessed.

>>with guards lined up around the perimeter.

Link: At long last, time to mow ‘em down!

Rauru: The Milkmen must make their final delivery!

>>The sun hung low over the horizon and turned the sky orange.

DED: Oh, thanks a LOT, sun.

>>Link sighed. "S-sorry, I should've made inn reservations sooner-"

Rauru: Uh, yeah, surge pricing? You dumbass.

>>"Relax sweetie," she said, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. "I already made arrangements;

Zelda: “I anticipated and compensated for your incompetence, like a good wife.”

>>I'll show you after we load the crates up.

Link: Wow. Loading milk crates. This is exactly how I wanted my life to turn out post-heroism. Yup.

>>Take a right at the drawbridge."

DED: Then, make a legal U-turn. Recalculating...

>>When they got there,

Rauru: ...They realized they were hopelessly lost.

>>Link led Epona to go down the path next to the moat.

Zelda: Poor Epona would later rue the day he led her down that dark path.

>>It was a narrow path between the water and the fence,

DED: I wonder if this is a metaphor.

>>but the pavement showed wear from years of wagon travel so it should be fine to navigate.

Link: ...Right?

Zelda: Maybe if you weren’t being dry-humped by an aggressively horny redhead.

Link: Midna?

Zelda: N—well maybe...can’t ever truly rule out her meddling...

>>They rode alongside the moat to reach one of the entrances. "I woke your dad up here, after we met."

Rauru: “Who would have thought then that he and I would become lovers...”

>>"With the cucco, right?"

Link: “No, by politely clearing my throat. He’s YOUR DAD, the fuck you THINK it takes to wake him up?!”

>>He chuckled and nodded. "Yeah, can't believe the guards didn't hear it."

Zelda: I can’t believe the guards have no peripheral vision and compulsively walk the same route over and over, but here we are.

>>They reached the end of the path and Epona stopped in her tracks.

DED: This prose is just ELECTRIFYING.

Zelda: I know, every word fairly thrums with pent-up eroticism.

>>He pointed over to the water fountain in the wall over the moat. "After that I snuck into the courtyard through there."

Rauru: Ah yes, reliving happier times, of playing a good video game, and not reading this story. Probably shouldn’t keep bringing it up if you want to keep us on board, story.

>>"Sounds like fun ..." she said, her hands continuing their work on his lap.

Link: “Why? It was a high-stakes quest to save the world.”

Zelda: “Look, do you want this handjob or what?”

>>He squirmed a bit, so she held her other hand over his mouth to shush him.

DED: The first good idea I think she’s ever had.

>>"So no guards patrol here, then?

Zelda: “Perfect, the deal can go down here without a hitch.”

>>Sounds like a nice place to be alone with someone~"

Rauru: Well, only in the most fundamental sense that it’s not got people in it. It seems like a pretty crappy place for intimacy in all other respects.

>>Before he responded, she suddenly grabbed into his crotch through the fabric of his tunic.

Link: Oh shit, I know enough about krav maga to know what’s about to happen to my balls.

DED: Well, yeah, I guess that might be what’s about to happen, if Malon were actually a secret Mossad assassin.

Link: And you just ASSUME she isn’t one? Christ, it’s like you’re doing their work for them.

>>He yelped out loud, but she went on with kneading the bulge in his pants.

Zelda: ANNNyway you want it, THAT’S the way you knead it, ANNNyway you want it, BARDARNARNARNARNARNARNAR!

Rauru: I was alone, I never knew, what good bread could do, DAA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA!

DED: Ooh, then we touched, then we sang, of all the leavened things!

Link: All right! Allllll night! Oo-oo, every bite!

>>He writhed around and moaned under his breath as he rose more and more under the cloth that couldn't restrain the strength of his member.

Zelda: Cloth is, indeed, notoriously bad at exerting downward pressure or any kind of pressure at all, being after all a lightweight material by design, and not generally being capable of generating force by conscious will like humans can.

Rauru: Yeah I mean, if it was some kind of Venom symbiote cloth, it could probably restrain the shit outta his dick.

DED: I think that’s probably canon in Spider-Man comics. I mean, do YOU think Venom wants to fuck? No, he just wants to kill Spider-Man.

>>The mountain of cloth left little to the imagination,

Link: Childhoods everywhere are ruined as the very existence of my boner leaves all humanity capable of imagining very little.

Zelda: Yikes. Well thank goodness the shape of your boner is clearly visible and we don’t have to imagine it, because apparently we just fucking can’t anymore.

>>she felt over the base and stroked up and down over him.

Rauru: “Honey, why are you dragging your finger all the way up my body like you’re swiping to unlock me?”

Zelda: “BWOOOOOO~OOOOOOP! Tee hee hee! Have we crashed yet?”

>>Link reached down for the belt of his pants.

DED: To spank her for her naughtiness.

Link: Her reckless endangerment at horseway speeds, more like.

>>Malon grabbed his other hand before he could start undoing his clothes.

Zelda: “Wait hold on, what’s got you thinking anything amorous is going on?”

>>"Not yet fairy boy~"

Rauru: He’s not yet fairy boy?

Link: I’ve been fairy boy ever since the game began.

DED: Although I bet you wish you could shed that nickname.

Link: Why? In YOUR world it’s a homophobic slur, but why would fairies be associated with homosexuality in Hyrule? Fairies are literally real, and some of them are gigantic busty MILFS wearing ivy.

DED: So you’d rather be associated with THAT?

Link: I, look, shut up. I own my nicknames, they’re all imbued with my greatness.

>>She winked and massaged his concealed cock some more,

Zelda: Um, does he have a license to carry a concealed cock?

Rauru: What is this, some fascist feminazi dystopia where you need a license to be male?

Zelda: No, because people who speculate about things like that are invariably dipshits of the highest order. But still, isn't it suspicious that he’d want to carry around a cock secretly? What's he planning on doing with that thing, that he needs to hide it?

DED: Alternatively, it implies a society where you must go around with your cock out, all the time, and you have to have special permission to conceal it, like for medical or religious reasons or something.

>>evening out the fabric's creases to show as much of his shape as possible.

Link: So I guess she gets incredibly aroused by precisely the shape of a penis, but once she sees the bare penis itself she loses all interest. Why do bitches always gotta come with tons of baggage?

>>She wrapped both hands around it and churned on him up and down,

Rauru: Churn that butter! Yeah!

Zelda: Are you shouting encouragement, porn director style?

Rauru: No! I wish she was churning butter and/or ice cream and then using it to make cake batter and/or drizzling it with chocolate sauce! It’s literally her job!

>>prompting heavy moans of pleasure from him.

DED: So heavy they plummeted straight out of his mouth and landed on the bridle and crushed Epona’s spine.

Rauru: Almost as heavy as me!

DED: Let’s not go crazy.

>>She kissed him some more to silence him before he drew too much attention,

Zelda: I’d have just employed one of my operatives to silence him.

Link: By kissing me?

Zelda: Sure. That’s what I’d do. Whatever helps you sleep at night, heavily and soundly and unsuspectingly, paying no attention to what might be happening around you. That is what I would prefer you and everyone else to do.

Link: Not a problem!

>>then hopped up onto his lap and pulled her long skirt up to sit on his lap.

DED: Tell Santa what you want for XXXmas.

>>Her nipples looked like they wanted to escape right through her skirt,

Rauru: Through her...skirt?!

Zelda: Like, going down from her chest, past her bellybutton, past her groin, out under her skirt? Her NIPPLES want to do that?!

Link: I mean, I can understand the intense desire to escape from Malon, but that’s a LITTLE implausible!

>>getting so erect without a bra to restrain them.

Zelda: That’s what you get, ya damn hippie. Though I totally understand the urge to burn those things.

Link: I never implied anyone of any gender needed an excuse to burn things.

>>He hummed into her kiss,

DED: Y’know what’s bullshit? They just hum the Kit-Kat Bar theme song in their commercials. Like, a capella just the tune, accompanied by bite-crunching and “mmm” sounds. But damn it, I remember a time when that jingle meant something, and what it meant was the bequeathal of a break, specifically the breaking off of a piece of that Kit-Kat Bar! But NOW, they’ve scooped out the lyrics and scooped out the soul. A generation of children will grow up hearing a hummed jingle and not knowing what it means, knowing the Kit-Kat jingle only as a stand-alone complex, a copy with no original.

Rauru: Gosh. Yeah. Why wasn’t the famous anime of that name all about candy bar theme tunes? Yep. Wow.

Zelda: I’m surprised you’re being sarcastic, because you seem like the kind of person who would unironically prefer Ghost in the Shell to be about candy bars.

Rauru: I wasn’t being sarcastic. I was just deadpanning those lines. Because I just had another coronary. And it’s left me feeling kind of low-energy.

DED: Oh, just another heart attack? Is that all?

Rauru: Yeah. Need a quick recuperative calzone…*NUMF GROMFP*...gotta keep up my strength...

>>already feeling how wet her panties were even with his member concealed.

Link: See? I told you. Her fetish is for concealed penis bulges, not actual penises.

DED: You say that as though you imagine such a fetish is not only almost certainly real, but also probably extensively supported by its own porn star and artist community.

Zelda: God bless the internet.

>>He reached around and grabbed her rear, making her purr deeply over him.

Rauru: He found the hidden catgirl switch on her ass.

>>She grinded against him as he massaged her rear, and they both rocked into each other while they got hornier and hornier.

DED: Oops! Too horny! They stack overflowed back around to total limp fish.

>>She emerged from the kiss

Zelda: ...a broken woman.

>>to give a big lick to his cheek, so he did the same to make her squeal.

Link: Um, the FUCK? That is LITERALLY the thing they did as a joke in Zoolander. Even I know not to do that in an unironic attempt at foreplay.

Rauru: No no, she’s just trying to get you to regurgitate some food.

>>She then traced her tongue down his neck and suckled there a bit;

DED: Always so vague. What can’t we have it be like a courtroom proceeding? “3 minutes 46 seconds. Malon traces tongue down Link’s neck and suckles there until 00:03:54...”

Zelda: Well, really, so many of these stories involve rape, I’m sure we’ll get to one that’s framed as a tearful courtroom recounting.

DED: Um, fuck, I don’t want to read that...

Zelda: Is it somehow BETTER to read about the actual rapes, AS THEY HAPPEN?

DED: No, I don’t want to read ANY of that!

Zelda: Fair enough!

>>Link's hands then trailed up her back and massaged her shoulders.

Rauru: I’m sure Malon Mega-Milk Tittymonster has lots of back pain.

>>She left a kiss at his neck then lowered her head down over his lap and nuzzled his bulge with her cheek.

Link: Oh COME ON, she’s doing everything BUT fucking me!

DED: Yeah, what the hell? She’s filibustering this blowjob!

Zelda: Yeah, she’s invoking all kinds of arcane procedural rules to extend the foreplay until Link gives up.

>>He played with her hair some and she licked at his member, still teasing him greatly without direct stimulation.

Link: So still pissing me off. Goddamnit bitch why don’t you SUCK it instead of licking it to death!

>>She twirled her tongue around the mass, trying to figure out where the head hid at.

DED: Where the head had hid?

Rauru: And she STILL hasn’t actually taken off his pants?!

Link: What the FUCK is WRONG with her?

Zelda: Also, I think I can help her out here: the head is at the tip-top. Like it is on your own body. That’s why they call it that. Thank you and goodnight.

>>Once she found it,

Rauru: —Her dignity, that is—she stopped what she was doing immediately.

>>she took the spot into her mouth and clamped her lips over it.

Link: I can’t help but feel this would be an excellent beginning to a blowjob if you would JUST TAKE MY FREAKIN’ PANTS OFF!!!

DED: Maybe the author forgot?

>>She brushed her mouth against the confines of his cock,

Link: My cock is confined, but what does it confine?

Rauru: A bunch of tubes and spongy tissue and stuff.

>>taking as much in as she could.

Zelda: She does that until Link comes, then she takes his pants off, then she leaves. She’s got the recipe all mixed up.

>>His member started to throb as they heard loud footsteps in the distance.

DED: Interesting. Was it throbbing in time with the footsteps? Was it like that scene in Jurassic Park?

>>They both blushed and fumbled around trying to hide their activity.

Rauru: “WHAT’S all this then?

Link: “Nothing to see here officer, just us fumbling around and blushing suspiciously!”

Rauru: “RRRRRIGHT! Carry on then, cheerio, give a shout if you see any of those sex perverts about, eh wot!”

>>Malon emerged from his lap

Zelda: Is this The Birth of Venus?

>>and Link made futile attempts to hide his large erection with his hands.

DED: Is that because he’s got a really big penis, or is it because he’s an uncoordinated idiot who can’t perform simple tasks?

Zelda: I think we know the answer to THAT question.

Link: That’s right, WE know, heh heh heh...heh...wait which is the one you’re implying to be self-evidently the truth?

Zelda: That you are an idiot who can’t do anything right.

Link: Oh, okay.

>>Malon pushed his arms aside

Rauru: GET these things the fuck outta here!

>>and rested her chest over his lap,

Link: Oh sure HELP YOURSELF.

>>hiding it completely under her large 34E sized breasts.

Zelda: PFFFFFFffffffffffft RIGHT.

DED: Listen, toots, in hentai terms, that is humble and understated.

Zelda: Okay, okay, but like, furthermore: I sort-of get that putting hard numbers and letters to the honkers in question can help the eroticism—

DED: Otherwise you’re just doing boilerplate fruit-slash-sports-balls size comparisons, which is yeah, pretty trite.

Zelda: —Exactly. But the author forgot to say they were 34-inch, E-cup breasts, it just says they’re “E sized.” Like, 34E could be her fucking European shoe size or something.

DED: God, fuck European shoe sizing. There’s absolutely no reason at all that I know of to say that, but still, fuck ‘em.

>>He blushed heavily but had no time to squirm out from her pinning him down,

Link: Right, and I certainly couldn’t POSSIBLY overpower her or anything. What do you think I am, a fit and highly coordinated professional warrior wearing magic gloves that make me strong enough to bench-press a cottage?

Rauru: What about bench-pressing me?

Link: Why in God’s name would I ever do THAT?!?

Rauru: It may come to that at some point, you never know!

Link: Okay it might, but be in no doubt, I won't ever actually do it.

Rauru: What if, like, the fate of the universe were on the line?

Link: You don’t understand, the sinking-in...I don’t think I can physically bench-press an eight-foot weather balloon full of biscuit dough, no matter HOW strong I am.

Rauru: I have bones in there, somewhere, I’m pretty sure!

Link: Sorry dude, you’re on your own.

Rauru: Some Hero of Time YOU turn out to be.

Link: Buddy, I have been the Hero of Time, the Hero of Winds, the Hero of Dogs, the Hero of My Own Dream, and the Gyro Special with Tzatziki Sauce, but I ain’t NEVER been the Hero of Hefting Fat Guys.

DED: True Zelda fans, provide me a canonical instance of this to prove Link wrong and send it via the comments below! Win a bicycle, maybe, or nothing, definitely!

>>so he focused on wiping off the saliva she had left on his cheek.

Zelda: Good call. Maybe Malon could even pull her underwear up past her ankles and under her clothes once more.

Rauru: Yeah, maybe Link should try to hide that enormous crystal buttplug he’s holding. That’d really sell the ruse.

Link: Yeah, we probably ought to stop having sex if we’re to convince this passerby we’re not having sex. Or at least Malon could just stop flopping on top of me like a goddamn trout.

>>Soon, a guard emerged and approached them

DED: Oh shit, the po-po!

Link: Shit man, I can’t go back to jail! I got enemies on the inside, I’ll get eaten alive! Get the fuckin’ five-0 off my back!

Rauru: Fucksake Malon, drive! Drive! *burnout noises, whinnying*

>>at the front of the wagon and sternly looked at the couple.

DED: “Oi! What are you bleedin’ heteros up to this time then?”

Zelda: “Right-o, give way, I’ll show you how to suck prick young miss!”

>>Link could hardly look at the man in the eyes,

Link: I’m deeply ashamed to be Malon’s lover.

>>but Malon looked straight at him with a wry grin,

DED: ZA WARUDO! TOKI WO TOMARE...WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

Zelda: He’s got her boobs flopped on his lap...obviously she is facing Link’s torso...and somehow they BOTH can look at this guy?

Link: Side-on? Like the cart is in profile, both me and Malon are turning our heads to the side?

DED: But, no, it specifically stated “it was a narrow path between the water and the fence,” and they went to the end of that path, and this nonsense began. So there’s no way this guard could have, like come ‘round a corner upon them sideways, because he’d have to be emerging from the water or the fence.

Link: One would assume this guard came from the castle, i.e. from in front of them, or from the grounds, i.e. behind them.

Zelda: It’s a fucking mystery.

>>unfazed by his intrusion and possibly discovering how naughty they were.

Rauru: Yeah but like, they’re both still fully clothed, right? They’re not actually breaking any laws or anything.

Link: Exactly! Are you gonna go hassle the couple who are kissing and dancing LITERALLY ALL THE TIME for their public affection?

DED: Yeah, they’re just a pair of weirdos writhing fully-clothed in a filthy alley, and if you started prosecuting THAT, you’d have to arrest half of Hyrule Market Town. That thigh-slapping bug-buying dude, he’d get busted in minutes.

>>So far he didn't seem to pick up on the subtext of her weird position over Link, or else he just didn't care either way.

Zelda: FINALLY, a character whose viewpoint and motivations I can relate to.

>>"Are you two here with the Lon Lon Ranch shipment?"

Rauru: “I mean I see you’re here with a horse-drawn buggy full of stuff, that says ‘Lon Lon Ranch’ on the side of it, and there’s a little drawing of a moo-cow. But that COULD be a ruse...I’ve been tricked by moo-cows before!”

>>"Yes, we most definitely are!" she blurted out cheerfully

DED: “So can you...deliver it now, or what?”

Zelda: “No!”

>>while squishing her breasts together against Link's lap.

Link: I was just trying to compliment her on her gigantic rack...and she held it against me! *DADUM-TISHHHH*

>>The boy in green

DED: Link’s stage name, Johnny Grass. Here to sing you a song about the Gerudo Prison Blues.

Zelda: Y’know, the name “Johnny Cash” would actually work BETTER for a dude who performs all in green.

DED: Well MAYBE, like if you were an incredibly disrespectful white rapper or something using the name ironically and you wore a suit that’s screen-printed with dollar bills in your shitty MTV music video and you spelled it “Johnny CA$H” and then I would be compelled to try and mail you anthrax until I have murdered you.

>>cringed and fidgeted in place, turning hot in embarrassment at his girlfriend's cockiness.

Rauru: I thought he was the one who’s all cocky right now.

Zelda: Girlfriend? So they aren’t even married? I disapprove of their casual sex.

DED: How could you possibly now object to casual premarital sex?

Zelda: Oh, no, their marital status doesn't factor into it, I was just mentioning. I disapprove of Malon having sex, in general, because I don’t want her to be happy, and because Malon is a sweaty barn ho and she probably has hairy legs.

Link: Hey, I might be into that.

Zelda: ...I’m sorry?

Link: Yeah, you ought to let yourself go for a while. I find the whole stanky rough chick attractive.

Zelda: Are you fucking seriously asking me to stop showering?

Link: AMMMMM I? I mean it would make sense, I’m a rugged adventure man and I might like the same in a lady! OR MAYBE I DON’T! I’m just kidding of course, OR AM I?! I’m gonna make you stop shaving your legs, Zelda, or else I’ll stop loving you and next time Ganon cracks the time-stream in half or sets fire to the ocean or whatever horseshit he pulls next, I won’t do jack to help you!

Zelda: Okay, okay, is this about all the times I’ve proposed-slash-threatened to peg your ass? Or use Sheik’s moveset in bed to do much the same? Or turn into Sheik while your penis is inside my vagina just to see what happens? Or the thing with the clothespins?

Link: HA! Now YOU know how it feels! How do you like it when I mess with your sexual compass?

Zelda: Okay, fine, fair enough.

DED: Um YEAH could you guys NOT fold and discuss your dirty laundry in front of me?!

Zelda: Shut up, manlet.

>>Malon kept looking the guard directly in the eyes with her wide smile,

Rauru: I cannot for the life of me figure out where these three people fucking ARE in relation to one another. Like Malon is facing Link, kneeling, giving him a titjob? On the bench of a wagon? And the guard is...behind the wagon? And Malon is making eye contact with the guard...HOW? Through Link’s body and the wagon itself?

DED: Over it? Under it? What in the fuck, did they stumble upon sunken R’lyeh!?

Rauru: Or did the guard approach from the front and is facing Link, and Malon is just fucking swiveling her neck around 180 degrees to stare creepily at the dude?

Link: I say again, what the fuck is WRONG with her?

>>thrilled with being so indecent in public.

Zelda: Yup, FUCKING THRILLING, that’s what this is.

Rauru: Malon is never decent at anything, public or private, so what’s the big deal?

>>The man in armor disregarded her weird demeanor

DED: Wow, he’s a better man than I.

>>and looked back at Link,

Zelda: “Back,” somewhere, somehow, in the nebulous and non-Euclidian dimension this story is set in.

>>who struggled in keeping focus on him with a straight face. "And you are?"

Link: SICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF MALON’S BULLSHIT.

>>Knowing Link would be a stuttering mess if he opened his mouth,

Zelda: Correct, of course, and not just because of the circumstances. Though “stuttering” isn’t so much the word as “ramb—

Link: —needed WAY more propellant! So I went to the garage and I said to myself, “What in here will detonate and not merely deflagrate?” I settled on…

DED: No hold on, explain the difference between those.

Link: A deflagration is just something burning, like a log, or even quite a vigorous explosion, but it’s not a detonation unless the wave of ignition is propagating at the same rate as the shockwave of the thermal expansion. If the region of the ignition and the shock wave are concurrent, the deflagrating gasses will be compressed to the point that they auto-ignite, and then it becomes a self-propagating explosive wave, a detonation. Detonation requires supersonic explosion velocity, so if a fuel is deflagrating and is then somehow corralled or affected in such a way that the flame front accelerates, it can reach the point of detonation. Which is what I was trying to do with what was in the garage, and I couldn’t quite—

DED: Stop stop stop, how can you KNOW these things?!?

Link: I know lots about explosions. I make them all the time. So anyway the Sterno didn’t do the trick but I found a big bag of fertilizer in Zelda’s garage and I could make some ANFO, which of course stands for ammonium nitrate (which is what that fertilizer was) and fuel oil, which I could swipe from Zelda’s ‘69 Charger—

Zelda: —WHICH BURNED DOWN!!!

DED: I’m just staggered by all this.

Zelda: Yeah, that's just GRAND, you two can fucking nerd the fuck out about explosions in the midst of the wreckage of my life.

>>she butted in. "He's Link! He's the one that helped with the Ganondorf investigation!"

Rauru: ...The...“Ganondorf investigation.”

Link: Um, right! Investigation! If the cops ask, that’s all I did to him, was “investigate” him.

DED: You “investigated” him, TO DEATH.

Link: Well now that’s just silly, no one can DIE from being investigated. So it must be that some OTHER Hero—or Heroes!—of Time killed Ganondorf with the Master Sword, just moments after I finished my “investigation.”

Zelda: Are you sure you weren’t “investigating” what happens to Ganondorf when you stab him with a legendary sword created specifically to vanquish him?

Link: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

>>She kept teasing Link's cock while talking to the man, heaving her chest over him.

Zelda: “Over” him. All of him? Like I get it, they're supposed to be big, but…

Rauru: JUUUUUUUUUUUUGS! REIIIIIIGN OOOOOO’ER MEEEEEEEEE! Over me, oooover me, OOOOOOOOHver me!

DED: See? The Who gets it. They know the difference between “rain,” “rein,” and “reign.”

Zelda: I knew they were the best classic rock band.

>>She found a sweet spot and smothered his tightly packed member

Rauru: Hand-rolled and tightly packed like a fine Cuban cigar.

>>with her breasts, still soft like pillows even through her shirt and his tunic.

Link: Well, soft like pillows you had for some reason dressed in pants and a shirt, you fuckin’ weirdo.

Zelda: ...Link, you did that LAST WEEKEND.

Link: Only because I was trying to hide from you because you wanted me to mow the lawn!

Zelda: YOU DRESSED A PILLOW IN YOUR CLOTHES AND LEFT IT IN YOUR ROOM AND THEN RAN AROUND THE CASTLE IN YOUR UNDERWEAR!

Link: BUT YOU WANTED ME TO MOW THE LAWN! MOW! THE! LAWN!

Zelda: That’s—

LinK: I HAAAAAD NOOOOOO CHOOOOOICE!

Zelda: ...

Link: But I’m still a thousand times more dignified than what’s happening here.

Zelda: Oh, for sure.

>>Her hard nipples brushed against his lap as her two milk jugs swept all over his crotch.

DED: Tonight on “Mixed Metaphors, Lustful Hearts!”

>>Link grunted as she rubbed deeper against him,

Rauru: Is she trying to like vibrate up against him until she clips partway through him and gets shunted out of bounds?

>>wrapping her tits around him

Link: All the way around me. OKAY.

>>and squeezing tight.

DED: Her prey, the breath crushed from its chest, doesn’t stand a chance. She will now swallow her victim whole, to be digested over the course of several weeks, to give her the energy she needs to watch over her brood as it hatches.

>>His head started to feel dizzy as all the energy in his body drained down to his dick.

Link: No! NOOO! CURRRRSE YOOOOOUU MAAAALLLOOOOOOoooooooooooonnnnnnn

Zelda: He chose...poorly.

>>The guard looked down at the two,

DED: I look down on them as well.

Zelda: Damn, I’m not sure which of the two I look down upon more.

>>not seeing the action going on below Malon's chest.

Rauru: Not seeing the horrible chrysalis attached to her torso, that even now was twitching and cracking.

>>"Princess Zelda requests that you two deliver a special shipment of milk personally to her private chambers,

Link: GROAN. This could NOT be more porno-riffic.

Zelda: Listen, I’m lonely and horny and isolated from others because of my power and status and I have trouble bonding with people emotionally because all the stress has left me a jaded bitter husk and also I fucking love cheese, get your asses up here.

>>I suggest you two make haste."

Rauru: “OR make tacos!”

DED: “Actually, make her some yogurt out of that milk, I heard her complaining that she was out of yogurt.”

Zelda: “And for crying out loud stop rubbing on each other, find some fucking dignity.”

>>He turned around to start heading back down the path.

DED: The killer awoke before dawn. He put his boots on. He took a face from the ancient gallery, and he...walked on down the hall!

>>"The castle's servants will unload the cargo."

Link: “Am I cargo?”

>>He then walked away and left the two.

Rauru: GOD I envy him...

>>After waiting for him to get far enough away,

Zelda: Two and a half feet is far enough, right?

>>Link smirked at Malon and thrust his crotch up against her shirt,

Link: I’m just a FONT of excellent ideas!

>>making her moan as he brushed against her sensitive breasts. "No fair,

Zelda: “...only a farmer's market.”

>>I wanted to be in control~" she said

DED: Young miss, you have lain with Link. You have lost all control over every aspect of your life.

Link: What makes that true?

Zelda: Link, that smoke that's billowing into the theater, that’s because you didn’t clean the lint out of the lint traps like I told you to, isn't it?

Link: I DID clean all the lint out! I taped it all to the radiator to keep it safe for you!

DED: Whatever, the satellite subsystems will take care of the blaze.

Zelda: Cripes don’t tell him THAT, I’m trying to teach him responsibility here!

Rauru: Zelda, literally your entire life revolves around making decisions and then letting the nation as a whole, rather than you yourself personally, take responsibility for it.

Zelda: Whatever. Link?

Link: Yeah, you were mad ‘cause I found out about the subsystems. Can they get me a footlong meatball marinara on whole wheat with provolone?

DED: See Zelda? You needn’t have worried.

Rauru: Make that eight footlongs!

>>as she cupped breasts together against him.

DED: Fancy a spot of boob old nut?

Rauru: Jolly good, a hot cuppa for each of us then dear boy!

DED: Two lumps, good sir?

Rauru: But of course!

>>All the teasing pressed a valley into her shirt,

Zelda: As any geologist will tell you, that is how valleys are formed. Liquid erosion, or “nature’s wet tee shirt contest.”

>>accentuating her boobs much more with her erect nipples pressing hard against the silk.

Link: Yes, but I think perhaps some piping or frill might add a little pop to the outfit...oh well, designers, make it work!

>>He unleashed the full extent of his moans now that no pesky guards interfered.

DED: Just him hooting like a mandril and annoying absolutely everyone ELSE within earshot.

>>"Can I draw my sword out nowwww?" he begged,

Link: “I know this whole sexual danger thing turns you on, but the Redeads are getting really close now...”

>>latching on to her chest and making her squeal in delight.

Zelda: Link is quite the barnacle all right, but not delightfully so.

>>"Not yetttt~" She teased, then purred heavily when he tweaked her nipples,

Rauru: “Okay now.”

>>and returned the favor

Zelda: Yes, the...“favor” of a Purple Nurple.

>>by pressing her tits tighter around his cock.

DED: Tits, being naturally squishy, can only really get so tight.

Rauru: Yeah you’re right, you need a dick in a vise if you want to see something pressing a dick tightly.

Link: Well, we’ve been at this MST business for like a decade and a half, so I’ve got a pretty good idea of what that’s like! HYOOOOOOOOO!

DED: BOOOOOOM! Link with the goal, Rauru with the assist!

>>"You've got so much energy,

Zelda: “I could harvest it...at last, I could feeeeeeeeeeeeed...”

>>I want to edge you as long as I can

Rauru: “Like my lawn...with a Weed Whacker or other specialized trimming tool...”

>>to see how much you can cum~"

Link: I can’t cum AT ALL if you insist on never MAKING me you vacuous cunt!

>>"My princess deserves the thickest load I can give her~"

Zelda: No, really, it’s FINE.

>>he said, ruffling her hair and making her giggle some more. Then he thought about his comment.

DED: That seems to be the typical order of things with Link, yeah.

Link: I do NOT “always open soda cans wrong”! What do you even mean by that?

DED: I didn’t—

Link: Wait that’s what you were complaining about, right?

>>"Oh, princess.

DED: If you leave me...I’ll never MAKE IT….alooooooooooooone!

>>We better get going before we're marked for treason."

Zelda: Oh honey, you are WAYYYYYY too late on that.

DED: Um, do you have a reason?

Zelda: Hahahahaha, reason?

>>"We better not keep her waiting, hmm~?" she said with a wink.

Rauru: How late are you? It might be better at this point to not show up at all. Really, if you’re late with Zelda’s dairy shipment, you should probably flee the country immediately, or give yourself the luxury of a painless death.

>>Malon led the way through the sprawling labyrinth of a castle.

DED: Oh right sure, because if there’s anyone who knows her way around the literal actual corridors of power, it’s definitely MALON.

Zelda: Well, okay, but it’s either her or Link. And Link is, well, Link, and Malon in this story seems to sniff glue constantly whenever she is off-camera, so I don’t think either of them could successfully navigate out of a stall in a public restroom.

>>Link held a crate of milk at crotch level, pressing against an opening in the container to hide his aching erection.

Link: I...um...what?

Rauru: D...did...did they prepare that crate specially beforehand...?

Link: Was this my idea? How could Malon possibly have convinced me to—

DED: I’m sure this is supposed to be funny or sexy, but I’m just...mystified. Like, doubting my senses.

>>It must've looked odd to the guards every time she conspicuously reached into the crate of milk bottles and rummaged around,

Zelda: ...why are you doing this?

DED: This is actually really gross and unsanitary. People could get sick. People could die from your dick-bacteria here in this medieval setting with no antibiotics.

Link: No, no, shut up about that bullshit, think of the glass milk bottles clinking and clacking around in there, the...pinching. Oh God, the pinching.

>>but at least it was more incognito than prancing down the halls with his dick hanging out.

DED: Yes but NOT as incognito and nowhere near as awkward if he just walked down the hall with a boner and just, like, didn’t make eye contact with anyone.

Rauru: And not as incognito as him putting on a sports mascot costume.

Link: Wrong fetish.

Rauru: You don’t have to keep it on during the act, it’s just to smuggle you in. But like, it’s a nod to the furries, to let them know you aren’t catering specifically to them, but you care, y’know? You could be ambivalent: maybe he left the fursuit on? I mean if you just open the door to that you could be doubling your readership.

DED: ...Don’t quit your day job, Rauru.

Rauru: Well yeah, my day job is to be the Sage of Light, as ordained by the Goddesses.

Zelda: And what a job you do of it.

Rauru (face totally buried in a gigantic watermelon): *GROMF GUMF SCHNOMFF GLORP* Ah kno, id tekth a lot outta meh. *GROFF GNURM HOWMF*

>>They had to go at a slower pace than normal to keep Link's special package safe,

DED: You know he COULD just...HOLD THE DAMN BOX IN FRONT OF HIS BONER, INSTEAD OF STICKING IT PHYSICALLY INSIDE.

>>but they reached Zelda's bedroom before he got blue balls.

Link: What, do they change color as the timer runs out? Are they my new health bar?

Rauru: Maybe your score at the end of the level when you get to Zelda’s bedroom is based on the color of your balls.

>>Malon tapped at the door to announce their presence.

Zelda: Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, lacking dairy, over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore—While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, as of some ho gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. “That ho Malon, there,” I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door—Only this and nothing more.”

>>In just a few seconds Zelda already opened the door.

DED: ...get on the floor, everybody walk the dinosaur.

Link: SHUT the fuck up.

>>She wore pink and white lingerie with white elbow length gloves and stockings,

Zelda: Topped off by a kicky tiara and a heady waft of moral and intellectual superiority over everyone I meet.

>>all wrapped under a veil of a transparent lavender nightgown.

Link: And a veil of elegance and grace.

Zelda: Yes.

Link: And hotness.

Zelda: Okay, sure.

Rauru: And bourbon fumes.

Zelda: Well, admittedly—

DED: Don’t forget the veil of lies surrounding her.

Link: Ooh, yeah. And the heavy mantle of tyranny.

Zelda: ...

>>Link blushed heavily at the sight

Link: “Most powerful woman in the world...first impression RUINED...stupid Malon...never been more humiliated in my LIFE...”

>>and tried to avoid gawking at her body, but Malon smiled brightly and let her eyes feast on her figure.

Rauru: How straight is Malon?

Link: Do I even need to be here?

Zelda: Come now, we’re going to use you as a sexual prop, you’ll get used to it.

>>Zelda smiled right back while running her hands over her own hips. "Took you two long enough, I was getting lonely ..."

DED: Lonely is the night! ‘Til you find some provolone! Your Edam comes alive! And you milk is not your own! Lonely is the night! When there’s no brie left at all! You look inside the crate...but you only find Link’s balls!

Zelda: “Lonely for my semi-skim, is what. Get that shit over here.”

DED: Lonely lonely lonely! Your curds are sinkin’ down! You’ll find you’re not the only...*cymbal crash!* milkmen in this town!

Zelda: Shut up now.

DED: Okay.

Zelda: Plus you rhymed “night” with “crate.” What, pronounced “cryte,” like a guy with the most outrageous Birmingham accent saying “crate?”

DED: Now YOU shut up.

>>she said, sauntering back into her bedroom, her thong showing off her ass

Link: “HLLLLLadies and gentlemen let’s have a big warm juicy ROUNNNDD of applause for Zelda’s Ass! That’s right folks step right up and take a gander! So round, so firm, so fully packed!”

Zelda: And THAT’S why I never invented the talking thong.

DED: The ancient Sheikah probably did.

Zelda: I’m glad those perverts are mostly extinct.

Rauru: WHOA.

Zelda: You know I’m right.

DED: Yeah but you can’t just say it.

>>while she swayed along her path.

Link: I guess it figures that whatever path Zelda walks in life, she’d be swaying and stumbling down it.

Zelda (gesticulating with a bottle of Old Granddad): Yer goddamn ridido yessir *hic*.

DED: Yikes, this is low even for YOU, Zelda. Old Granddad?

Zelda: You fuckin, I’ll fuckin, you sayama fuckin FACE.

Rauru: Zelda, we all know that you have supernatural healing powers and never actually HAVE to be drunk, so I still don’t—

Zelda: BWCAUSE IT’S FUCK I mean its fun haha wow I said I I siad thew rong word ahhaha eepic fail XD!

DED: Stop it. I hate this. Go back to being an acerbic fatalist drunk.

Zelda: FINE you big babies. The maw of the void will consume us all anyway.

DED: THERE we go, THAT’s the Old Granddad way.

>>The wide open bed room

Link: She must like Dixie Chicks.

>>had a lot of mood lighting from the candles lit all around,

DED: Welcome home, ashen one. Speak thine heart’s desire.

Link: The fuck are you on about?

DED: Fire Keepers are not meant to have eyes. It is forbidden. These will reveal, through a sliver of light, frightful images of betrayal. A world without fire. Ashen one, is this truly thy wish?

Zelda: Cripes. Just ignore him, the self-indulgent dick.

DED: No, come on, guys, it’s Firelink Shrine in Dark Souls 3, a place pop-culturally notorious for being filled with candles.

Zelda: Yeah but that’s a reference that’s like three or four steps removed—

Rauru: Who cares! It’s not funny!

Link: Boo!

DED: But I was about to get to the part where the Fire Keeper asks you to kill her and tear her eyes out so she can forget what she has seen! I thought that would really resonate with you guys!

Zelda: ...Hmm...hmm...no, that doesn’t justify the whole elaborate obscure setup.

DED: So this whole aside was just a self-indulgent nerdy reference, huh?

Rauru: Yeah, we’re going to go with that.

DED: Guilty as charged I guess, let’s just move on. Or in other words, farewell, Ashen One. Mayst thou thy peace discov’r.

Zelda: DAVE!

>>burning a sweet aroma into the air.

Rauru: Dude, stick a towel under the door in case the RA comes by, and then throw on some Jefferson Starship and pack another bowl.

>>Malon closed the door and followed right behind her enjoying the sight of her stride,

DED: OOOH! They love to watch her strut!

Zelda: Oh, they WILL respect my butt! *clenches fist*

>>and grabbed Link by the crotch to drag him behind like he was on a leash.

Link: Grabbing me by the crotch which is, of course, jammed into the milk crate.

DED: Maybe she’s grabbing your taint from behind? Up under the skirt?

Zelda: Also it says she drags him “behind,” behind what? The...door, I guess? Mysteries pile upon mysteries.

Rauru: Maybe the author has some rare disease where they are unable to correctly visualize the position of objects in three-dimensional space.

>>He yelped and kept up the pace, trying to avoid staring too intently at Zelda on the way.

Link: Don’t stare...don’t look...don’t even think...no thinking...no thinking...hey this is easy!

>>The princess strolled over to the large soft bed

Zelda: I was strolling to the bed one day, in the merry merry month of May, I was taken by surprise by a ho who caught my eyes, when I was strolling to the bed one day!

>>and turned back to the two while stretching sensually.

DED: “*YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWAAAWAWAWAAAAWWWWNNNNN* BOY am I tired!”

>>"Link, be a dear and bring that milk crate here~"

Zelda: “And for GOD’S sake take your dick out of it!”

>>He blushed and tried to pull his pants out of the container, but Malon pushed him right towards Zelda before he could escape from it.

Rauru: This is getting increasingly improbable.

Zelda: Hey, is this satellite powered by an improbability drive, like in Hitchhiker’s?

DED: No, it’s a fusion drive powered by the fusion of clauses into huge, cumbersome run-on sentences. As you’re surely aware, we’re...furnished with...an inexhaustible supply.

>>He tried to keep still while the princess rummaged her hand through the milk bottles,

Link: For fuck’s sake, lady, they’re all the same!

>>praying that she wouldn't notice his special cargo in it.

Zelda: Oh GOD, does he mean he put “special cargo” IN the milk itself?! Because NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE nope nope nope.

>>She took her sweet time running her hand all over the contents; Link tensed up and forgot to inhale.

Rauru: That’ll probably be what kills him in the end. Literally too dumb to live.

>>Eventually she finally pulled out one of the milk bottles and Link drew in a breath of relief.

Link: “That was close, I was afraid this was all an elaborate set-up for porn.”

Zelda: “Oh, nothing of the sort, I mean can you IMAGINE how laughably contrived THAT would have been?”

>>He went to go place it on a nearby table

DED: ...His cock?

>>and carefully pulled his member out of the box while he had his back turned.

Link: Well now my boner is out there in full view once again.

Rauru: Another poorly-thought-out plan reveals itself to have been ultimately pointless.

Zelda: He has his back turned to his own member, how is that...?

>>He then tried to cover his erection as best as he could

Rauru: Get me a camera crew on-site! Roll out the news trucks, I want 24/7 coverage! I want boner-pics on my desk by 5 PM or you’re fired!

>>with his hands and snuck back to the bed in stealthiest way possible.

Zelda: Oh, so you’re going to hop into my bed, with me, and Malon, here, in my bedroom, but you still somehow think your boner is inappropriate.

>>Once back there, he saw the two girls sitting on the bed and both gathered around the bottle of milk.

Link: Is this bottle of milk really the most fascinating part of Zelda’s day?

>>Zelda had her hand on the cap, fumbling greatly trying to get it to open.

Zelda: “I’ve been drinking all day but I’ve been missing this for my White Russians! Now, fuggin...geddit open, come on you...fuggin’...piss-ass...fuck...shit.”

>>After being rough and shaking it heavily, the cap popped open and spilled all over her face, making her moan as the white fluid splashed all over.

DED: This is supposed to be funny and/or sexy, right?

Rauru: Everything we read is allegedly sexy.

DED: I...hmn.

Zelda: Just another brick in the wall, right?

DED: I guess. This is particularly retarded, though.

Link: Eh. It works fine for me.

>>Malon unleashed a drawn out gasp while Zelda pouted loudly.

Zelda: THAT’S...not...a thing that’s possible. Pouting. It’s a facial expression, it’s inherently silent.

DED: Unless your facial skin was made out of that biodegradable shit that Sunchips bags were made out of for a hot minute back in like 2009 or whenever the fuck that made crinkly sounds like fucking gunfire if you crumpled them.

Rauru: So you just stick out your bottom lip and look all grumpy and fold your arms and then bellow, “POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUTTTTTTTT!”

>>Link raised an eyebrow at the event unfolding before him.

Link: I didn’t raise an eyebrow when I found a family of hideous mutated spider-human hybrids living in a creepy abandoned house, mind you. But this? This shit is just...baffling. And kind of stupid.

>>"Don't worry princess, I'll help you!" Malon proclaimed

Zelda: I...doubt that...very much.

>>as leaned in on her and licked the white fluid off of her cheek.

DED: Um, girls, this is really gross and messy and completely unnecessary, by the way. Link does not need this kind of pageantry to be induced to mindlessly bang women.

>>Zelda purred in delight.

Rauru: Or disgust, or hate, or contemptuous boredom, you never can tell with cats.

DED: It’s probably the last one, in most cat instances but also I suspect this Zelda instance.

Zelda: Oh, DEFINITELY.

>>"You're so sweet! Thank you for-oh no!" she said, and then flicked the bottle of milk at her and splattered the rest of the contents all over Malon,

Link: You’ve got it wrong, Dave, I love this.

DED: Really?

Link: Yeah, it’s idiotic and messy and pointless but fun, they’ve FINALLY reduced themselves to my level.

Zelda: Dear God, I thought this day would never come. And all because of Malon.

DED: Yeah but would you require this stupid milk bottle fight to incentivize you to bang Malon and Zelda?

Link: It can hardly hurt!

DED: Depends on how seriously you take your milk bottle fights.

Link: Well they DO deflect Ganondorf energy blasts...

>>getting her shirt completely wet and tight over her breasts.

Rauru: “Oh no, I’m spilling it, I’m spilling it, I’m still spilling it...still coming out...okay there’s a patch on my left tit that isn’t totally saturated, I mustn’t spill any there—oh no, I have! Still spilling, STILL spilling...”

DED: You do a good job filling in for Malon in these fatuous little asides.

Rauru: Well you know, we share a love of dairy products, and cup size, apparently, so...

>>"Oh no! I'm so sorry! Here, I am going to help you out of that!" Zelda proclaimed,

Zelda: “Oh no, Malon, you slipped and fell cuntwards onto my dick-shaped bedpost! What a staggering coincidence!”

>>and then reached towards her chest and started unbuttoning her top.

Link: I was going to ask for clarification that Zelda was unbuttoning Malon, and not herself, but then I realized there is no reason for me to care.

Zelda: Are you once and for all saying that my boobs and hers are equivalent in your view in spite of any size differences, THAT HAVE NOT BEEN PROVED BUT ONLY ALLEGED, that MIGHT exist?

Link: HMMMMMMNNN WIIIIIIILLLLLLL I? Maybe she’s got bigger nicer tits than you, and you need to stop shaving your legs and take titty pills or else I’ll—

Zelda (carefully loading bullets into a magazine): Yeah you’ve made your point, we’re both DONE DOING THAT, okay?

Link: —’kay.

Zelda: Or else I’ll have to make a few “bullet points” of my own.

Link: Y-yup.

Zelda: Consider that your news bulletin.

Link: ...Yes, bullet puns...

Zelda: And if you think you can just grin and bear it, I’ll be sure to BULL it.

Link: YES OKAY SHUT UP!

Zelda: Muahahaha.

Link: ...I will let Ganon turn you to stone!

Zelda: HEY! Who’s the gun-haver in this relationship?!

>>Malon squirmed around as the princess stripped her,

Rauru: Well at least she seems to find this as awkward and shameful as she should.

Zelda: I’m paying her damn good money to be a lactose-based honeypot and lure men into my bedroom of secrets and lies, she has no right to complain.

DED: Yeah, she should appreciate what she’s got. Most people have to sign treaties or gift her priceless artwork or offer up their marriageable relatives if they want to see the Princess naked.

Zelda: What, are you high? People just GIVE me those things, I'd never need to offer anything in exchange. If you’re seeing me naked, TRUST me, it’s not part of some negotiable transaction.

DED: So what IS it then?

Zelda: I don’t go to the bedroom to broker a deal, I come bearing a conquering sword.

Link: OHHH no you don't.

Zelda: Whatever. You get the idea: I will lay WASTE to your dick and when I am done you will kneel before me in tears of awe, my magnificence etched forever into your unworthy flesh.

Link: ...And I have to live with that, day in, day out.

Zelda: Shut up. Anyhoo, if you’re seeing me naked, it’s because you now have no choice but to service me in any way I demand, like your life depended upon it, because it totally does.

DED: Look, I’m sorry I asked.

>>making her juicy breasts jiggle under the tightened wet fabric.

Zelda: “Hon, literally calm your tits, I’m trying to actually do something here.”

Rauru: “I’m try’na make it sexy for him!”

Zelda: “YEAH, but it'll be MORE sexy if you just LET ME TAKE IT OFF!”

Rauru: “Skank!”

Zelda: “Scag!”

>>Link eyed the girls suspiciously. "Umm... something's going on here, right?"

Link: T o o  m u c h  s l o w  u n s e x  y      e   x    p     o      s       i        t         i          o            n

>>Zelda groaned, in an actual genuine tone this time.

Zelda: HURRRUURRRRURRRNNNNGGGGGNNRRRGGGGHHH life imitates art...

>>Now that he blew their cover at least she didn't have to hold back,

DED: THAT was holding back?!?

>>so she groped her without restraint.

Rauru: Yeah, cuz, “restraint” really was the byword of everything they’d been doing up to this point.

>>Malon purred and leaned in to give her a deep kiss.

Link: This story is giving me a Deep Hurting.

>>Zelda unbuttoned enough to expose a window to her cleavage

DED: Tonight, on the Science Channel.

>>in the middle of her shirt.

Zelda: ...I go walkin’ in my sleep...

>>She pulled it open wider but kept Malon's hardened nipples constrained by the tight damp clothes.

Link: That’s just the kind of touch you’d expect from Zelda, isn’t it?

Zelda: Fuck if I know.

Rauru: Well that...huh?

>>She parted her lips from the ranch girl. "I knew I should've taken acting lessons,

Zelda: “Then maybe this part of the story could have been a tiny bit less ridiculous...”

>>but I can never get out of this castle ..."

DED: “The bomb in my skull will explode.”

Zelda: “There's this really tricky boss fight and I have to grind some more to stand a chance…”

>>Zelda kept kneading her melons

Rauru: That is of dubious culinary value to a melon.

Link: No no, it means her tits.

Rauru: Those don’t need to be tenderized anyway, they’re all fat. Suet, if you will. Now—

Zelda: No stop.

>>as she kept writhing around in pleasure.

DED: I know I did a lot of similar writhing at other pleasurable times, like when I passed my driving test. Sadly, as a result, they took my license away immediately.

>>A devious smile flashed across her face and she suddenly reached her hands

Zelda: Oh! There they are.

>>over Malon's hidden nipples and pinched them tight.

Rauru: Pinching Tighter, Hidden Nipples.

>>She howled out

DED: Aw-WOOOOOOO! Werewolves With Funbags! Doot-doo, doot-doo, doot doot doot doo!

Zelda: I hear ‘em howlin’ around my castle door...better not let ‘em in! Delivery driver got tittyfucked late last night...Werewolves With Funbags again!

Rauru: I saw a werewolf spillin’ a bottle of milk at Hyrule Castle...her hair was perfect.

>>in ecstasy at the surprise

Link: Wait, was Zelda howling in surprise because she’s amazed she grabbed them blind on her first try?

Zelda: Why would she howl in ecstasy “at the surprise,” is the surprise itself really what makes her so ecstatic?

Link: Well sure, nothing turns women on more than unannounced groping, YOU know that Zelda.

Zelda: …

Link: You got so delighted you smashed my nose up into my brain! Or at least that’s how I remember it happening.

Zelda: What th—your stupid idiot brain evolved a countermeasure to me trying to punish bad behav—nnggggghhhh...

>>Malon smirked, relishing Link's reaction

Rauru: Pickling it, chopping it finely, and serving it as a condiment?

>>as he turned redder and redder.

DED: Oh, it’s Phase 2 of their boss fight against him.

>>"We wanted to keep this charade going on a bit longer,

Zelda: Yeah it was INCREDIBLY convincing.

>>but I guess you get it now don't you?"

Link: Get what now?

>>She nuzzled Zelda, who returned the embrace.

Zelda: Yeah, sorry, I already had one. But hey, thanks for giving me the receipt so I could exchange it for store credit.

>>"You think you can explain what's going on, fairy boy~?"

Link: Explain what’s going on with who?

>>Link fidgeted awkwardly in place. "You two, umm... are into kinky stuff?"

DED: Ahhahahahahahaha, “kinky.”

Zelda: Yeah, wake me up when I'm shoving a sword hilt up his ass with an ancient magical electromagnetically-actuated dildo harness.

Link: Please never actually do that, and PLEASE not while asleep!

>>The two girls giggled and took hold of his arms,

Zelda: Ah ha hahahahah hah HA ahahaha hahaha HA ahah ha ha, arms...

>pulling him back onto the bed and making him yelp.

Link: Just can’t ever get outta the game.

>>Zelda groped at his balls and made him squirm all over the covers.

Rauru: On the surface this seems like a decidedly mixed result.

Link: BRO I FUCKING TOLD YOU BRO FUCKING MOSSAD ASSASSINS BRO THEY’RE EVERYWHERE

Zelda: ...me though?

Link: Well I don’t know, is Hyrule a Zionist puppet state?

DED: We’re not even going to dignify that with a response.

>>"May I do the honors?"

Zelda: “...and...KILL HIM?!?” *dramatic chord*

>>"Sharing is caring~" Malon said while caressing Link.

Rauru: “But sharing and caring means tearing, and tearing means baring, and baring COULD mean despairing, but...hell I dunno just take his fucking pants off.”

>>Zelda smiled hungrily and reached down for his belt and undid it furiously,

Zelda: I would be furious. How DARE they make me perform this kind of manual labor?

>>pulling his tunic open and revealing his boxers drenched in precum.

Link: Oh, great, my nice silk boxers, like 40 bucks a pair. Ruined. This whole load of bullshit Malon put me through sure is paying off in spades.

DED: We all know you don’t wear any kind of underwear, though.

Link: My point though is that Malon would ruin even a hypothetical version of me that did wear underwear, because in any universe Malon cannot bring me anything but ruination.

DED: Fair point well made.

Link: Plus like, I know how this goes, Zelda is always buying me expensive silken boxers in the vain hope that she’ll find ones I’ll wear, and I always just end up using them as wank rags, and that makes her really—

Rauru: GAH whoa, overshare, geez.

Link: Oh sure, because in this theater, we all hide our embarrassing traits REAL good, don’t we?

Zelda (pointing with whisky bottle): Yer gawdam right I don’t MMM’BARRASsss m’self, I’mma fuckin, I’mm a fuckin a classy bitch as FUCK. Classy as fuck. *burp*

Rauru (head completely submerged in a huge bucket of fried chicken): Wuzzath? I dinnuh hear yuh. *SNORF CHOMFP NOM*

DED: ACKSHULLY, we hide them “well.”

>>Zelda wasted no time in tearing them off,

Link: What the fuck? Zelda’s out to ruin my boxers too? You had to literally TEAR them off?

Zelda: Well good thing this is just a fucking fantasy world in which you wear underwear like a human being.

Rauru: What if the ruination of this underwear is this universe sort of regressing towards a multiversal mean, a fundamental truth, of Link’s underwearlessness?

Zelda: Shut the fuck up.

>>unleashing the full force of Link's longsword.

Link: Oh, dang, they held down the B button. What color energy is it sheathed in? If I’mma ‘bout to drop a Spin Attack on a motherfucker, this whole bed could get chopped to pieces.

DED: They mean “longsword” like your dick, you idiot.

Link: Yeah I know. What, of course I knew that, you feeb, what’s wrong with you? My dick will unleash a Spin Attack and probably mutilate these young ladies. THEY’RE the idiots.

>>She let out a squee of delight

Zelda: Or is it “squeelight?”

>>on seeing it

Zelda: Or is it “squeeing” it?

Rauru: Shut up.

>>and gave it a long lick up the shaft.

DED: Who is the man who’d bring a jug of milk to his brother man? LINK! Can you dig it?

Link: Who’s the cat who’d stick his dong inside a box to hide his boner? LINK! Right on.

>>"That's a bit anticlimactic, don't you think?"

Rauru: Wow, can we print this quote out and put it on a placard?

Zelda: Could we replace ourselves with posters that just say this phrase? Please?

>>Malon asked,

Link: Holy shit, Malon with the reasonable reaction?!

>>but Zelda was totally consumed in focus on Link's cock.

DED: Oh, she consumed all her focus on Link’s cock and now she has to use a concentrate maneuver to get some back or else she can’t use any more special moves.

>>She joined up with the princess

Zelda: Yeah, no, stay a respectful distance away, peasant.

>>and licked the other side,

DED: Tried to tongue, tried to hide, LICK ON THROUGH TO THE OTHER SIDE!

>>and they huddled around it to cover every inch of his penis with their saliva.

Rauru: Meanwhile his balls are also being gradually covered by the runoff, looking like that Sherwin Williams “Cover The Earth” logo.

Link: There, good, Rauru, you’ve ruined that logo for everyone.

>>He moaned ecstatically as they tended to them,

Zelda: Yes, but did they tend tenderly?

DED: Well I don’t know, did they intend to tend tenderly? Some men tend to like for a girl to intend to tend not tenderly, but to bend, or rend, or blend...a cock...roughly. Like rough sexfully. To the bitter end?

Zelda: That joke died. Badly.

DED: Yeah okay fair eno—

Zelda: A death like if someone threw a teacup chihuahua onto an ice hockey rink full of particularly sadistic players.

DED: —WOW, Captain Bring-Down over here.

>>giving each other a quick lick to each other when their paths crossed

Rauru: Hail and well-licked, friend. Our paths cross once more.

>>before they returned to pleasuring him.

Link: Well let’s not jump to conclusions.

Zelda: No reason to give Malon the benefit of the doubt.

>>Link dug his fingers into the sheets and breathed heavily

Link: See? No reason in the WORLD to assume this is a reaction to them “pleasuring” me.

DED: This sounds like a reaction to them doing unanesthetized surgery down there.

>>as he received the intense pleasure from the two women.

Rauru: Okay FINE story IF YOU SAY SO.

Zelda: I hate how stories always railroad you just to make things fit the plot.

DED: So the message was “what the girls were doing made him feel good,” and the author chose to have two instances of telling, and one instance of showing, which we mistook for implying torture. That’s...suboptimal I think.

Link: The snark game is strong today.

DED: Yeah okay Link, THAT’S a reasonable thing to say, as though my snark game wasn’t ALWAYS on point, but I mean no one REALLY blames you, given YOUR limitations—

Link: Fuck your own asshole with your own severed forearm, shut up.

>>Zelda

Zelda: Hnnyellooo~ooo?

>>took his head into her mouth

Link (muffled): “Oh, reerry ghrayd ider Zordur. Wuf now? Jufft furf hrrm fur hurmahrurm...”

>>while Malon licked her cheek.

Rauru: It’s pretty hard to avoid licking your own cheek, it’s RIGHT THERE in your mouth.

>>The princess bobbed her head down over his shaft

Link: The mouth is the part you want to be using for this. Not your whole head.

>>and tried to progressively take in as much as she possibly could.

Link: See? You’re gonna need to use your mouth for that.

Rauru: I admire her progressive dick-sucking agenda, though.

>>She barely made it down half of his length

DED: Oooh, she is not going to be happy with that performance. Even though she’s already qualified, that does not bode well for her tournament hopes.

>>before she had to raise her head up off of him, trailing her wet lips against his rod.

Zelda: Traaaaaaiiils, maaaaaan...

>>Zelda took in a few heavy breaths

Rauru: She really oughta cut back. I didn’t want to be the one who had to say it, but Zelda, you’re really hoggin’ out on air lately. I mean it’s a few quick gulps here and there, an occasional binge on heavy breaths, and it all adds up. I’m afraid we’ve all noticed.

Zelda: ...

Rauru: I’m only saying this because I care about you.

Zelda: Can we all pause to appreciate the fact that this joke is being delivered by RAURU?

Rauru: My lungs are svelte and fit. Now hold on, I’m busy. *starts pouring donut holes into mouth*

>>as she held his soaked cock in her hand.

DED: “The Soaked Cock,” featuring as its logo a rooster with an umbrella, is also a bar, where Bently McFagge, the guard who let them into the castle in the first place, is drowning his sorrows after this gross dereliction of duty!

Link: Chill the fuck out.

DED: Forgive me for trying to make up a more interesting story than this one on the spot.

>>"Malon's told me so many fun stories about this hunk of meat~"

Zelda: “...They were all really samey though...”

>>Link blushed heavily and looked down at Malon, who winked at him teasingly.

Rauru: Aaaaand that’s basically all we need to know about these characters and their relationship, can we go?

>>She leaned into Zelda and gave her a sloppy kiss,

Link: Slop: it’s just what Malon knows.

>>and she pawed her hands all over the farm girl's bust.

Rauru: “Hey, that’s a bust of my grampa, Gramplon! Quit getting greasy fingerprints all over it!”

>>She squirmed around and mewled

DED: Well, she’s squirming and mewling and splashed with milk. Hah! And they say pornography infantilizes women.

Zelda: I really hope she does not become a mewling, puking infant.

DED: You know I think they’re all more the lover, sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad made to his mistress's eyebrow.

Zelda: ...

DED: It’s from later in that monologue, you see. Where Jacques talks about—

Zelda: Good GOD shut up!

>>under her breath as the princess groped her needy tits,

Link: Aww, man, if groping tits is NECESSARY, it’s not fun at ALL anymore. It’d be like just pumping gas or something.

>>their hard nipples trying desperately to pierce through her shirt.

Rauru: Why are they so obsessed with this meaningless goal? They need guidance counseling.

>>They eased off of each other's kiss

DED: Jimmy Carter was credited with negotiating the de-escalation.

>>and licked each other's cheeks some more.

Zelda: Also, thanks to all the spilled milk, about a dozen stray cats had swarmed in and were licking them as well.

>>Zelda slipped

Link: Probably on all the spilled milk.

Rauru: Watch out, don’t fall on top of all the stray cats. You’ll break their backs and they’ll yowl in paralyzed agony and you’ll have to bash their skulls against the onyx coffee table to put them out of their misery and that’ll KILL the mood.

>>over to Link's side and reached up to grab a hold of his shirt collar,

Zelda: At last, my TRUE objective.

>>tugging him down by it and pulling him into a kiss.

DED: Plus, you know, probably just a good idea to get a firm grip on Link before you go much further.

>>He fidgeted at this, but Malon got up and licked at their overlapping cheeks to show her sign of approval.

Rauru: The fuck is WITH this extremely specific and oft-repeated cheek-licking fetish content? I didn’t see that coming.

Zelda: Well it is impossible to surprise me with a sexual fetish, but at least this is fairly quaint as far as they go.

>>Zelda nibbled down on Link's tongue and made him moan loudly into her mouth.

Link: “Ow. Ow. Whudduh fugith wong withoo?”

>>Malon pouted at feeling so left out,

DED: She should probably get used to it. Or start showering more regularly, perhaps.

>>so she slipped her tongue in between their dancing lips.

Zelda: Having the time of your liiiiiife...You are the dancing lips, young and hip, only seventeeeeeen...

>>They greeted her eagerly and their three tongues swished back and forth through each other's mouths.

Rauru: No. No. I’m picturing this and...no. It’s not sexy. It’s stupid. Ugh, stop.

>>Malon panted hard and broke away from their lips to trail her hand down Link's abdomen,

DED: I’ve been trailing that hand for months all across the land...now it’s hiding out in Link’s abdomen. So that’s it then: That’s where we’ll end this once and for all...

>>over to his aching cock.

Link: “Girls, girls, please, it hurts—”

Zelda: “Hahaha wheeeee!”

Link: “IT’S GLOWING RED HOT FOR GOD’S SAKE THROTTLE DOWN”

>>She grabbed hold of his member and kneaded it just enough to keep him going a while longer.

Rauru: “Oops! That won’t do! I want to play with this biiiii~iiig cock all night long!”

Link: “PLEASE LET ME DIE I BEG OF YOU THE PAIN IS UNENDURABLE”

>>"Such a good boy, holding it in this whole time…"

DED: “Now you can go walkies, and you won’t have to hold it in anymore. What a good boy you are!”

Zelda: “And you didn’t even chew and shred all the toilet paper!”

Link: Oh, uh, I, uh, I did. I guess you didn’t notice.

Zelda: What? I was joking.

Link: OH! Yeah me too!

>>Malon pressed her body up against Link. "Poor, poor fairy boy…

Rauru: “You ended up with me...”

>>I've been such a bad girl,

Zelda: Well I mean, nothing but misdemeanor-level infractions so far, really, but I’ll take her word for it.

Rauru: “Forgive me beefcake, for I have sinned...”

>>edging you so long,

DED: “Weed Whacking the shit outta your dick...”

>>not letting you shoot your load all over my body…"

Rauru: “Making you shoot your load all over random passersby instead...”

>>She sunk down over the bed,

DED: Avast, Malon! To the briny deep with ye! Aaarrrrrr.

>>dragging her half-exposed chest down his torso until his erect cock slid into her cleavage.

Link: You know how people talk about how porn objectifies women? I feel like it objectifies men as well.

Zelda: That doesn’t seem like a controversial statement, but I bet people will take it that way.

Link: Well whatever, at least in this specific instance! My cock “slid” into her cleavage. I didn’t slide it, it just sort of happened to me. I am, as close to literally as possible, a sex object.

Rauru: Well, okay, are you really complaining about that?

Link: Sex is nice and all but I’d like to feel involved in the process...

>>Link tensed up as his throbbing member nestled between her soft pillows.

Link: See? Look how tense I am. Total lack of autonomy will do that to ya.

Zelda: ...Yeah, I...wouldn’t know...

>>Zelda squeezed Malon's tits roughly and squished them into Link,

Rauru: “I don’t need HELP, bitch!”

Zelda: “Oh honey, you need help in all KINDS of ways.”

Rauru: “Harlot!”

Zelda: “Jezebel!”

>>making both of them moan heavily. The princess kneaded the other girl's chest over him tenderly,

DED: Ah yes, rough squeeze into tender grope. The CLASSIC hard-soft martial arts style. The wombo-combo. The Business. The ol’ razzle-dazzle. The twenty-fourth skiddoo.

>>engulfing his cock deep inside of her shirt.

Link: Yeah, the shirt, the sexiest body part on a girl to engulf your cock deep inside.

>>His tip bulged through the fabric and stained it with precum

DED: Is this whole story for people with a fetish for fluids staining perfectly good clothes? Is clothes-ruination a fetish I’m unaware of?

>>as Zelda moved Malon's bust up and down over his buried length.

Rauru: Thank goodness Zelda was there to help with that. I bet Malon’s titjobbin’ muscles are exhausted from that one-third-of-a-titjob she gave him in the back alley.

>>"Mmm, Malon and I gossip about this all the time when she comes over for a delivery~"

Link: She’s FRIENDS with the Princess—fucking WHAT? HER?!

Zelda: She’s getting in my bed and we’re going to fuck each other and you as well, yeah. Apparently we are very good friends.

Link: No, but okay, like, the three-way is fairly plausible, but I CANNOT buy the idea that you’d talk jovially with Malon about her sex life like it’s fucking Gilmore Girls!

Zelda: Yes, excellent point, BUT, let me just say, a three-way with Malon is NOT “fairly plausible” in case you were wondering.

>>Zelda said, relishing the girl's soft yet firm bust.

Rauru: Pickling them, chopping them finely, and serving it as a condiment?

>>"She gets me so fucking horny, telling me all these perverted stories…

Zelda: “...It’s too bad THIS story can’t deliver...”

DED: Even Malon is a better storyteller than this author.

>>Such a lucky boy, having your way with these massive milk jugs any time you want…"

Link: Well okay, “any time you want” is a BIT of an exaggeration…

Rauru: When not?

Link: Well, sometimes I want to, but I’m asleep.

Zelda: Well, you DID used to have your way with with my politely-sized, elegantly-fulsome, not-crass-and-implausible-thank-you-very-much milk jugs, while we were both asleep. Well I mean only you remained asleep, obviously, I awoke and stewed in rage until you went back to dreaming about driving racecars or whatever.

Link: Yeah that’s the best, even better than when I dream about groping boobies or picking oranges or whatever prompts it.

Zelda: Anyway, I put a stop to that by starting a policy of strapping you down after you fall asleep.

Link: You DO?! Awww MAAAAAAAAN...

>>Link squirmed around, his members at the mercy to the tightened cleavage.

Rauru: Members?

DED: Goddamnit, I thought we were going to have to wait for a Sidon story before we had to deal with that.

>>Malon purred under her breath as the hard cock stimulated her sensitive breasts.

Zelda: “Stimulated” them to produce some minor redness and irritation.

Rauru: Gonna be awkward when she has to go in for a mammogram or something and she has to explain to the gynecologist why there’s a dick-shaped patch of contact dermatitis between her tits.

>>"Ohh… If it makes you feel any better, edging you all that time

DED: Why the sudden preponderance of edges? The fuck is this, Catherine?

>>was torture for me, too…"

Rauru: No. It doesn't make me feel better at all. None of you, you all haven’t suffered NEARLY enough.

Zelda: I’LL show you torture!

Link: That’s nice, dear.

Zelda: I got new branding irons in. The possibilities are—

Link: Yes dear, that’s lovely dear, mhmm.

>>She breathed heavily as Zelda sped up the pace.

Zelda: ...Why the FUCK would SHE be getting tired as I work harder?!

>>Malon trailed her hands under her breasts and started unbuttoning the lower half of the shirt.

DED: This is the worst, laziest, most incoherent and ADD-addled striptease I've ever seen.

>>"Such a cock-hungry girl like me,

Rauru: Please, call now and donate. For just pennies a day, YOU can feed the hungry.

Zelda: Well not you, feeding YOU takes the daily GDP of a large county. I know that because I do the budget.

Rauru: Yes yes Zelda, I know, a six-figure budget for side dishes alone probably LOOKS a lot like embezzlement, but I assure you, it is actually a conservative estimate.

Zelda: Oh, I didn't for a minute think you weren't ACTUALLY SPENDING all that money on side dishes.

Rauru (shoveling in a casserole dish full of creamed corn): Yeh want the betht inda biffthniz, *SNORF GLORMP MAUNCH* you gotta pay ferda prifflige.

Zelda: That argument might hold water if the job of Sage of Light had any competition, or if you ever actually did anything all day.

Rauru: ‘Corth I do sthuff all day! Weara you thing all the side dith buthet goeth? *SLOORP RONCH*

>>deprived of that Master Sword of yours…"

Link: If it's a fatal stabbing with it that she feels deprived of, I am HAPPY to oblige.

>>"Looks more like a Biggoron Sword to me~" Zelda said, winking at him.

DED: More like the Giant’s Knife, the one that, y’know, breaks disappointingly quickly.

Link: That’s a...weirdly elaborate and ineffective way to insult my dick, but I respect your game knowledge.

>>She started to unbutton the top half of the shirt as Malon made her way through the bottom.

DED: Is this TAKING an inordinately long time?

Rauru: “Unbuttoning, unbuttoning, STILL unbuttoning...”

Zelda: Hey man, I own blouses that have about 45,000 buttons on them, just machine-gunned down the back—THE BACK, where I can’t reach, so I actually HAVE to have servants dress me.

DED: Well okay, could we just blame the patriarchy or something and move on?

Zelda: I am the patriarchy.

DED: ...But you’re a woman.

Zelda: I know I have the body of a weak, feeble woman; but I have the heart and stomach of a king, and think foul scorn that any prince should dare invade the borders of my realm.

Link: Yyyyooookay. Don’t acquire any other male body parts any time soon.

>>"And I bet it'll erupt hotter than Death Mountain~"

Rauru: “Thousands immolated...ash cloud in the upper atmosphere blanketing the world in freezing darkness…”

>>"Nnnhh… you better bring your Hylian Shield, then…"

DED: NnnnnnnnNNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAGHH SHUT UP SHUT UP ALL OF YOU SHUT UP!!!

>>Link said, barely mustering the strength to flirt 

Link: It’s not a question of strength—I mean, at this point isn't flirting kind of moot?

>>as Zelda fucked him with Malon's tits.

Rauru: Which were actually attached to Zelda at the time. I know, it's WEIRD.

>>He tried the move his hips along with the rhythm, but

DED: Tragically, he’s a white man who isn’t Elvis, so it was all for naught.

>>the intense pleasure sapped his energy away

Link: Or was it pleasure? Was it maybe some other emotion...Shame? Embarrassment? Disgust? Sheer bewilderment? SOMETHING’s drained all my energy.

>>and he leaned back over the soft bed.

Zelda: Naturally my bed is soft. What do you take me for, churl? Some miserable plebeian?!

>>Malon finished undoing the bottom half of her shirt 

Rauru: Oh my GOD FINALLY.

>>and pawed her hands over his torso.

Link: Or did she...HAND her PAWS over...to my torso?!?

DED: No, she didn’t, because it didn’t say that, and because that’s stupid.

Link: Oh. Okay, thanks for clarifying. I get confused sometimes.

DED: No problem my dude.

Link: Or do you mean...no DUDE...is my problem?!?

DED: NO.

>>"Daww, there there~

Rauru: Kawaii uguu owo uwu desu ne~

>>Just lay back and relax,

Link: Easy for YOU to say.

>>the throbbing pressure you've been building up will be all released soon~"

Zelda: NOT SOON ENOUGH. IT COULD NEVER BE SOON ENOUGH.

>>"You better shoot your load all over us, coating these two sluts in your pearly white cum~"

Rauru: “Or SO HELP ME GOD I SWEAR I’ll fucking—”

>>Zelda tore off the last of the buttons and peeled the shirt off,

Zelda: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

>>pulling the halves of the shirt open like the spread wings of a majestic bird.

DED: Such as a tit or a boobie.

>>Link feasted his eyes on Malon's exposed bosom,

Link: An act of horrifying cannibalism as the last vestiges of my sanity slip away.

>>coated in the glossy sheen of the spilled milk.

Rauru: This is a waste of perfectly good calories and I object on principle.

Zelda: Do you mean the calories contained in the spilled milk, or the energy expenditure of the titfuck, or indeed that of any sex in general?

Rauru: Yes.

Zelda: I’m with you where Malon is concerned.

>>Her nipples stood fully erect

DED: I should imagine they’re pleased; they’ve finally fulfilled their story-long dream of escaping the confines of Malon’s horrible awful sweat-and-milk-swamp shirt.

>>as his cockhead peeked in and out from the depths of her cleavage.

Link: Oh, like those weird cheeky dick-like mole things that I had to whack with a hammer in Link to the Past.

Rauru: You mean those things WEREN’T cocks with faces?

>>"Mmm, just look at those beauties, it should be a crime to restrain these~"

DED: It should be a crime to use a tilde as a punctuation mark more than, oh, twice in a single story, AND YET.

>>"You… you will be queen…"

Link: And we can be heroes...! Just for one day…

Rauru: Wait who will, Malon? I hope not.

DED: Well this author never fucking attributes the dialogue to either one of them in particular, so there’s no way of knowing which of the two that response was directed at, so hell, maybe. Link is dumb, he might have forgotten which one is currently the princess.

Zelda: I should just make Malon be queen so I can continue to be the princess which is way better anyway because I get to enjoy 99% of the power and the scheming and the using people as pawns but I don’t have to actually be the head of state and wave politely at people all the time.

>>Link whimpered, sweat pouring down his body

DED: Whimpering, sweating bullets...SEEMS about right.

Zelda: Oh, HE knows what’s on the line.

>>as he saw the full force of his lover's heavenly breasts.

Link: Their “full force,” huh? Not impressed. Let me know when they can pound a rusty switch in like the Megaton Hammer.

DED: I’m pretty sure the “full force” of her breasts, or anything else in the universe, would be if they were converted into energy with perfect efficiency by mutual annihilation with antimatter.

Link: SHUT the fuck up.

>>"You can ch-ch-ch-change that…"

Rauru: Tuuuuuurn and face the strange, ch-ch-changes...don’t tell ‘em to grow up and out of it!

Zelda: Yeah, “Queen” is so passe, I was thinking of taking the throne as “God-Empress.”

>>The girls giggled, and Zelda nodded. "Oh, just you wait~

Link: Ya-huh, like we’ve BEEN doing.

DED: ACTION...less...ness...!

>>My first order of business will be making you two my personal sex slaves,

Zelda: Why would I bother with all the paperwork to make them my actual sex slaves, when I can just keep them as my de facto sex slaves? If I made it official, they'd become my property and therefore I'd be legally culpable for whatever disasters they cause.

Rauru: Oh. This princessing thing sounds more difficult than you make it seem.

Zelda: Well yeah, of COURSE I make it look easy, but seriously! Game of Thrones is the hottest shit on the block right now, y’all should be coming to understand just how hard my workdays are.

>>tending to my lusty desires every waking minute of the day~" 

DED: Okay now THAT sounds like a nightmarish Monkey’s Paw kind of situation.

Link: Or, at best, a SEVERE inconvenience.

Zelda: Well, yeah, but at least it would be a different sort of Link-induced severe daily inconvenience.

Rauru: Actually, on balance, if Link’s time was 100% taken up tending to your lusty desires every waking minute of the day, it would probably result in less overall inconvenience.

Link: Well I’m on board, tell me when to start!

>>She finished pulling off Malon's shirt and flung the useless fabric aside against the bedroom floor.

DED: Well, currently useless, but if we’re honest, not very good at its job to begin with.

>>"Mm, you don't need to be crowned for that~"

Rauru: Well, yeah, not just for that. There are other reasons.

Zelda: Well to be fair, it did specifically point out that enslaving them is only my first order of business.

>>Malon chimed in, winking at Link.

Link: A Link wink.

>>"You wouldn't mind giving her a nice facial every day, would you fairy boy~?"

Zelda: With moisturizer and cucumber slices? Pleeeeeeeeease?

Rauru: Um, I shudder to think how Link might botch that.

Zelda: Oh, God, right, I take it all back.

Link: But I just got done mixing up my ghost-pepper-and-lye facial scrub!

>>"Uh, we can st-start now…"

DED: OH I CAN HARDLY SEE WHY, WHAT’S THE RUSH

>>Zelda gave him a surprise

Link: Whoopie!

Zelda: Yeah, actually, that is the surprise.

>>by slamming the breasts suddenly into him,

Rauru: Link, you were saying you felt objectified in this story, but here the author has reduced Malon to merely “the breasts.”

Link: Wouldn’t you?

Rauru: Point.

>>making him jerk back

DED: “I reflexively have to get away from this, bye!”

>>and leak precum over Malon. Zelda went back to kneading the chest over him

Link: My cum is over Malon, her chest is over me, and I’m so over this story.

>>and smirked. "Oh, you'll give me way more than a facial~

Zelda: I’m terrified.

>>Soon you'll give both of us a full blown bukkake~"

Rauru: Doesn’t bukkake like, definitionally, require multiple men?

DED: I think the implication is that he will ejaculate with the force and volume of a dozen porn stars? Hell I dunno.

>>"It won't have to be too soon, will it~?" Malon said,

Rauru: “I, like, JUST got this winged eyeshadow look right? And it’ll ruin my foundation...”

>>wiggling her bouncing tits over the throbbing cock. "Why don't we take our sweet time,

DED: OH SURE WHY NOT INDEED

>>torturing him for another hour or two…"

Link: This is referring to the reader himself, right?

Zelda: I mean, even if it’s referring to Link, it’s ALSO implicitly true that the reader himself will be tortured well into the immediate future.

>>Link squirmed around impatiently. "P-please! I can't take it, l-let me cum already…"

DED: “You've been making me hold it in for the entire Year of the Link!”

Link: Wait, what Chinese zodiac am I actually?

Zelda: Same as me, we’re both Tigers.

Link: Wow, I didn't know you were twelve years older than me…

Zelda: No you dope, WE HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY.

Link: We DO?!

Zelda: YES! February 21st, 1986!

Link: Wow! What are the odds?

Zelda: Well, pretty good, because WE’RE FROM THE SAME VIDEO GAME!!!

Link: Is that why people keep singing YOUR name in the birthday song as well as mine?!

Zelda: WHAT OTHER POSSIBLE REASON COULD THERE BE?!?

Link: I DUNNO, GEEZ! I thought you were making everyone celebrate YOUR birthday any time ANYONE has a birthday because of some bullshit royal prerogative!

Zelda: THAT’S—okay that does sound like something I’d do.

>>"Oh? You don't want to savor it a while longer?"

DED: SURE GO FOR IT, STORY ISN’T NEARLY PADDED OUT ENOUGH

>>Zelda smirked in smug satisfaction as they asserted their control over him.

Zelda: FINALLY, relatable content.

>>"If I were you… I'd thrust that raging cock of yours

Rauru: One of Scorsese and De Niro’s less-successful films.

Link: Oh I get it, you mean Raging Cock, like Raging Bull...what is this Cock-and-Bull story?

>>between these plump, juicy Lon-Lons for hours on end~"

DED: Eugh, EUGH. That isn't even...EUGH. How do you screw up a pet name for boobies?! How do you even do that?!

>>She perched her chin over Malon's shoulder and gave her cheek a tiny lick.

Link: Tags: Cheek-Licking, Big Breasts, Paizuri, Orgasm Denial, Dairy Play, Tilde Fetish.

>>"Don't you think I'm a good girl~?" Malon said,

Zelda: Oh, honey, where do we start...

>>gazing seductively into his eyes.

Rauru: Cue the Kill Bill sirens.

>>"Doesn't a good, busty girl deserve a steamy titfuck whenever she craves a piping hot geyser of cum all over her slutty funbags~?"

Zelda: ...No? Not inherently? I need more context.

DED: Well philosophically one could argue that concepts like deservedness and fairness are human constructs with no higher legitimacy...

>>"Y-yes! I'll fuck your huge tits any time you want!"

Link: “I’ll do anything you say! Just let my family go! PLEASE!”

DED: “I gave you a pearl necklace, now turn off the buzzsaws! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MONTRESSOR!”

>>He cringed hard

Link: Yep, this is going well.

>>as Zelda picked up the pace,

Rauru: Well thank FUCK for that.

Link: Zelda may have picked up the pace, but this story remains as glacial as ever.

DED: Hey wait a second...we’re all frustrated, desperate for this to end, as the story dithers and delays with hackneyed smutty dialogue...being a cocktease...WE ARE LINK. We are being denied our climax. If you were trying to fap to this story, you would feel exactly like he does. Is this story ACTUALLY THE CLEVEREST THING WE'VE EVER READ?!?

Zelda: I'm gonna go ahead and say...mmmmmmnnnnnnnoooooooooooo, it's not.

>>clearly satisfied with his words.

Rauru: Huh. First time for everything I guess.

Link: What? No my words are awesome all the time and Zelda is always fully satisfied with them because they are always carefully and thoughtfully selected for maximum impact and speaking of maximum impact I return now to my theme whereupon I was making homemade ANFO so that I might blow up the tool shed hencetoforthwith because Zelda wanted me to clear out all the cobwebs in there and the obvious way to do that fast was to...

>>She rubbed all over her jugs, smearing the creamy milk over them to make a silky smooth lubricant.

DED: Oh sure, this is really nice, and sanitary, and not disgusting. Good work, ladies, spot on.

>>"If I were you…" Zelda began

Zelda: “...am I thinking what I’M  thinking?!”

>>as she jerked Malon's slippery boobs up and down his rod,

Link: How come “slippery” isn’t an adjective that means “like a slipper?”

DED: You’re right. The correct adjectival form of “slip” would be, I dunno, “slipogenic.” Which is to say, that which generates slips.

Rauru: Or maybe “slipiferous.”

DED: No, “-iferous” is a suffix that means “-bearing” or “full of.” So you could say “the slipogenic floor soon became slipiferous,” i.e. the floor that caused slips soon was rife with slipping.

Link: ...I deeply regret asking.

>>squeaking them against the rigid penis.

Zelda: Oh, good, a constant repetitive squeaking sound. GREAT, I WAS WONDERING HOW THIS COULD POSSIBLY GET ANY BETTER.

>>"I'd fuck these juicy milk jugs three times a day, before every meal~"

DED: THAT sounds...inconvenient.

Rauru: Hey wait a minute, what? Before EVERY meal, and that only adds up to THREE times per day? Did they misplace a decimal there?

Zelda: No, but you did somewhere down the line.

Rauru (gesturing with a turkey leg): Look, let’s not get bogged down with “who eats how many orders of magnitude more per day than normal” accusations. *MONCH CHOMF*

>>She raised one breast and lowered the other

DED: Raise one breast, and then again, come on y’all, do the Mario! Swing your arms from side to side...

>>against the rod, then rubbed them up and down against him in opposite directions.

Link: That's fine and all, but I wish she’d give me a titfuck.

Zelda: That IS what she’s doing.

Link: Oh. Then I guess I wish she'd stop.

>>"It'd make a great appetizer, bucket loads of cum all over her body for me to lick clean~

Rauru: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII don't think so.

>>And for dessert I'd get to eat out her sweet, succulent pussy~"

Zelda: Not a set menu so much as a slut menu.

>>The ranch girl mewled at the thought,

DED: No, stop, don’t overuse the word “mewl,” it’s SO not a good look. This is your last warning, story.

Link: Or I’LL give you something to mewl about, young man!

>>whimpering as her sensitive breasts went up and down her boyfriend's solid tower.

Zelda: 8/10. A solid tower. About what you’d expect at that price point.

>>Malon trailed her idle hands down her sides,

Rauru: The DEVIL’S sides.

DED: That’s how that old saying goes, right?

>>sliding her finger towards her loins as Zelda handled her bouncing pillows.

Zelda: “I never should have bought these Mexican Jumping Pillows! I just can’t handle them!” *KABOING!*

>>As the princess licked her neck she couldn't help but notice the redhead turning redder and redder.

DED: Oh, she passed into infrared and we can’t see her anymore.

Link: Oh THAT’S a shame boy I tell you.

>>She smirked slyly and moved the breasts inward,

Rauru: ...and into a 450-degree oven. As for the thighs and wings, what you should do is...

>>dragging her hard nipples against the hard shaft.

DED: This is a hard read.

>>Both Link and Malon moaned loudly at the extra stimulation,

Zelda: They’re not moaning at the stimulation, you know, like you’d holler at your neighbor across the lawn or something. They’re moaning because of the stimulation, in a directionless, idiotic way.

Rauru: Well what do you sound like in the throes of ecstasy, are you just a fucking silent expressionless gargoyle?

Zelda: Dude I will SMITE you.

>>and both his cock and her tits swelled up as they fucked each other senseless.

Link: What? ...is this a GIFT FROM THE GODS?!?

DED: Okay okay this fetish is more reasonable, I mean everyone loves expanding boobies, but like, this story is kind of overloaded with more obscure fetishes already.

>>Malon slipped her hand under her longskirt and closed her eyes

Rauru: I’d love for the theater to malfunction and we all get to leave early. I know it’s a longskirt, but it could happen.

>>as she stroked her sopping cove.

DED: Like her hand was a gentle wave, the rhythm of the tides the rhythm of lust, her passion like...the...processes of thermal exchange that create waves and ocean currents...and um...kisses as sweet as the shrieking of seagulls...okay forget it.

>>After Zelda teased the nipples against the penis some more, she returned to hoisting the tits up and down.

Zelda: Am I even getting fucking paid for this?!

Link: Umm...we’re paying you in milk?

Zelda: She spilled it all over me! I should get the whole crate for free! I could have her thrown in the dungeons, damn it!

>>Link writhed around as she squeezed the cock in the soft and slippery cleavage.

Rauru: At this point I’m wondering if Link is broken inside and just can’t cum at all.

>>Malon whimpered as she moved her fingers in and out to the rhythm of her boobs over Link.

Link: I’m sorry, I don’t know that song. But I like the sound of it I must say.

>>She peeked through eyes teared up with ecstasy,

DED: Or are they tears of boredom? Naaaahhhhhh, couldn’t be...

>>trying to gaze into her lover's eyes through clouded vision making her feel dizzy.

Zelda: The mind-control aphrodisiacs have all kinds of interesting side effects.

>>"Ohhh… Link…"

Link: Hnnyellooo~ooo?

>>Zelda suckled on her neck and pressed the pillows in and out on Link.

Rauru: Can we...like...could you just alert me if something changes, story?

>>She watched as the other two fell victim to her devious methods,

Zelda: Oh, that’s hardly just happening only now.

>>both of them reaching the edge of their breaking points.

DED: CLOSE TO THE EDGE! DOWN BY THE RIIIIIIVER!

Link: ...of milk!

>>"How's it feel…"

Rauru: Like a rooolliiing stooooooooooooooone!

>>She whispered into Malon's ear, "Knowing you can get a big boy off with just your huge bimbo tits…"

Zelda: “...And me, moving them around, and really just being in the room. You’d have no chance otherwise.”

>>"I…" Malon muttered breathily as she jammed in and out of her wetness at a faster pace.

DED: Look leave all the spilled milk alone, stop wallowing in it. You’ll agitate the feral cats.

>>"I love it…"

Rauru: “Out of the literally dozens of facts that I know, I love that knowledge the most!”

>>"What's that? I can't hear you…" Zelda said

Zelda: *SQUIMP SQUORMP SPLOTT* “What’s that? I can’t hear you...”

Rauru: *SPLORT SKWORP SLORSH* “WHAT??? YOU’LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP! MY TITJOBS CAN BE A BIT NOISY!”

Zelda: *SPURSH SLURBB PLOPP* “...A BIT WHAT?!”

Rauru: *BLURP SLUPP GLOPP* “...A BIT...NOISY!

>>as she pulled the tits away from the shaft.

Zelda: “HOLD on hold on hold on, for Christ’s sake woman. It’s like a megaphone broadcasting the sound of someone marching in boots full of mayonnaise.”

Rauru: “...WHAT? MY EARS ARE STILL RINGING!”

>>Link's lengthy erection twitched upright as all pressure left it.

DED: It exploded into subatomic particles?!

>>He squirmed around and tried to ease up and take action but he came under fire of death glares from Zelda.

Link: Typical Zelda, always with the death glares whenever I try to take action.

Zelda: Well GOSH maybe there’s something wrong with THE TYPE OF ACTIONS YOU TAKE.

>>"No, no, Link… be a good boy and just lay back there…"

Rauru: “No not THERE...not there either, you...what is WRONG with you?!”

>>Malon whined as Zelda made him back off.

DED: At least the story acknowledges it as whining.

>>She looked down at her tits pulled away at both sides, under the princess's tight grasp.

Zelda: Well, I'm going to be queen, I need to get some practice at ruling with an iron fist.

 >>"Ohh, Zelda… don't stop it, keep it going…"

DED: Well I gotta keep it goin’ keep it goin’ full steam, too sweet to be sour too nice to be mean...

>>"Oh?"

Zelda: “Are you still here?”

>>she leaned in over her shoulder and looked Malon in the eyes with a devilish grin. "Why would a sweet, innocent girl want a filthy cock between her breasts?"

Link: Um, speak for yourself, my cock is perfectly hygienic.

>>"B-because…" Malon flustered, squirming around a bit and slowing the strokes on her pussy.

Rauru: “Um, I dunno, daddy issues? Lack of self-esteem? Desperate for validation? Various reasons.”

>>"Because I'm not a sweet, innocent girl…

Link: Oh dang, is this The Crying Game?

>>I'm a bad, naughty girl who can't stand a week without a hot jet of cum sprayed over her body…

Zelda: You are a bad, naughty girl who WAS LATE WITH MY MILK YOU GOLDBRICKER! And now it’s taking you like 45 years to make Link cum, this is RIDICULOUS! I’m the PRINCESS, MY TIME IS PRECIOUS!

>>A filthy tittyfucking cumslut that craves a hard throbbing cock pounding into her horny bosom…"

DED: Well that’s as may be, but I have to say she’s a pretty articulate filthy tittyfucking cumslut that craves a hard throbbing cock pounding into her horny bosom.

Rauru: I mean this is MALON here. She probably had to write all that down on the back of her hand.

Zelda: Ha, as if she knows how to read or write.

>>Zelda giggle and slammed the breasts back into Link's cock, making him cringe.

Link: YEP, GOING WELL

>>She squeezed them tighter around the shaft than she ever had before,

DED: Good GOD woman, do you have ANY IDEA what you’re doing?!?

>>hoisting them and pulling the aching cock with them.

Rauru: Hoist the boobsail! Raise that aching mizzenmast!

>>Link winced hard and dug his fingers into the covers.

Link: TOOOORRRRRMMMENNNNNNTTTTT!!!

>>He had to plant his dangling feet in the ground so he could raise his hips up in the air a bit so the tits pinching him in place didn't tug him too hard up.

Zelda: How in the FUCK am I supposed to care about ANY of that?

>>"So, Malon…" she whispered, watching Link struggle as she raised the breasts to the top of her chest,

DED: It’s a LONG WAY to the top if you wanna rock’n’roll!

>>still wrapped around him with a vice grip. "Any last words to say to your loverboy~?"

Rauru: FROM HELL’S HEART I STAB AT THEE

>>Malon blushed and looked into his eyes as he writhed around on the bed. "Link… give me your fucking cum…"

Link: Pay me the fucking stud fee, YOU know how this works Malon...

>>Zelda smashed her bosom down and smacked him hard enough to make the bed tremor.

Zelda: MY bosom? It’s not mine, it’s just the one I’m holding. Why would I smash my own tits off?

DED: You mean with something OTHER than liquor?

Zelda: YOU...okay that was pretty good.

>>Link howled out as his body bounced over the covers.

Rauru: AWOOO! I saw a ho named Malon walkin’ with the Queen...doin’ the Werewolves With Funbags!

>>Before he could recover she lifted the tits up again.

DED: What is this, Street Fighter? Is this a frame-combo or a mixup-vortex or whatever the fuck fighting game people are always on about?

>>He braced himself with his claws deep in the mattress

Link: I’m the best there is at what I do, bub...

>>as she slammed back into his base and shook the bed again.

Zelda: Man my bed is like 10,000 pounds of solid mahogany. You could hit it with a hundred tits, you could drive a dump truck fulla tits into it. It wouldn’t shake for SHIT.

>>Over the next rapid fire churns

Rauru: “Rapid fire churns” is kind of how this whole story makes me feel inside.

DED: Really? It just makes me feel bored as shit.

Rauru: I was exaggerating for dramatic effect.

Link: Maybe it’s the constant inflow of burritos that’s making you feel that way.

Rauru: *GNAR NURMF* Nah, dath feelf liegit yoothully doth.

>>Link never got a second to breathe in while Zelda repeatedly pummeled his cock with Malon's massive, heavy chest.

Link: JESUS CHRIST STOP MURDERING ME WITH SEX

>>The redhead drooled and moaned as her tits fucked Link harshly.

Zelda: Her tits are having fun, being alive, and her brainless ragdolling body is just drooling and moaning.

Rauru: The Breasts there, living up to her name.

>>"Cum for us, Link…." Zelda said, giving him this fleeting moment for a break.

DED: A psychotic break.

>>Link sucked air in and out as sweat poured from his body. He merely nodded erratically,

Link: Makes sense in this work of erratica.

>>knowing he couldn't waste an ounce of breath.

Zelda: Just my time and money.

>>Zelda leaned in more over Malon's shoulder, resting her head right next to hers.

Rauru: FINALLY, a head with knowledge in it on Malon’s shoulders.

Zelda: For the moment. I must be getting dumber just being there.

>>"Cum… cum…"

DED: ...As you are, as you were, as I waaaaant you to be...

>>She raised them up, crashed them down. Up, down.

Link: YEAH WE GET IT

>>Link squealed out

Rauru: SOOOOOOOO-EEE pig pig pig!

>>as the rough pleasure sent violent waves across his body.

DED: Oh yeah, “rough” and “violent” are high on the list of adjectives I want to be applicable to any titjobs I receive.

>>Malon squirmed around and mewled as her body slipped up and down him.

Zelda: Is she as bored and uncomfortable as we are?

>>Zelda pinched her nipples hard

Rauru: Zelda better rosin up yer bow and pinch her nipples hard, cuz Hell’s broke loose in Hyrule and the Devil—

DED: Okay yeah, stop, that was fairly nonsensical.

Rauru: I tried. The pacing of this story is driving me insane.

>>as she swung the boobs up and down, making her shriek in ecstasy.

Link: Oh yeah, do that. Do that a lot, that piercing banshee shriek, it’s great.

>>"Cum, Link…" Malon whimpered, following along with Zelda's chant.

Zelda: Yessssss...goooooood...surrender your willlllllll to meeeeeeeeee...

>>"Cum… cum…"

DED: Come come my dear boy!

>>The girls timed their pleads to the rhythm of each rise and fall of the firm orbs.

Link: Does that work? I’d do ANYTHING to have my pleas be answered...oh, for the sweet release of death...

>>Link cringed at each impact

Rauru: Malon, Zelda, this titjob is literally cringeworthy. Come on now.

DED: Like, honestly, I think you two have over-complicated things.

Zelda: Look, it was ruined the moment Malon failed to leave the room. We’re just salvaging what we can at this point.

>>that made his stiff hard on throbbed intensely.

Link: My on is both stiff and hard.

>>Precum leaked out at a steady pace,

Rauru: OH JOY!

>>smearing all across the soft tits to make for an even wilder ride.

DED: Um, lubrication...would be making the ride...smoother, which is pretty much exactly the opposite of wild...but okay….

>>"Cum… cum… cum…"

Rauru: ONE OF US, ONE OF US…

>>She pumped more and more as the dick throbbed harder and harder.

Zelda: Gosh it really SEEMS like this is implying progress, or change, or imminent action...except THAT can't possibly be the case...

>>Malon leaned back into Zelda, resting against her as she controlled her jiggling titties.

Link: Control this, control that. Zelda is such a control freak.

Zelda: What, you'd rather endure a Chaos Titfuck?

Link: Um...

DED: I can't say I'm not intrigued...?

Zelda: No. Turn back. You fools cannot comprehend the true nature of the Chaos Titfuck.

>>Blistering heat radiated from their bodies as they reached their limits.

Rauru: I'd say it was a combination of the heat, the friction, the gross gooey coating...lots of factors contributing to the blisters.

DED: EUHH.

>>"M-Malon, I…" Link mumbled in a delirious haze.

Link: “...why are there so many chickens with human legs in here...that’s not sexy at all...stop turning into geometric fractals and answer me!”

>>"P-please…" Malon breathed heavily as she fumbled out her words, barely able to talk.

DED: LOOK I THINK YOU’RE BOTH ON THE SAME PAGE HERE

>>"Do it." Zelda said, staring Link down.

Zelda: “Or are you a coward? Come on! DO IT! PULL THE FUCKING TRIGGER! ARE YOU A FUCKING BITCH?!”

>>"You know you want it. You know we need it."

Rauru: GOSH NO I DIDN’T KNOW THAT, YOU HAVEN’T SAID IT ENOUGH TIMES

>>She exerted all of her energy churning the ample bosom

DED: ...and died.

>>over the uncontrollable member.

Link: Yeah, like, see, it really isn’t up to me! See? Uncontrollable! It says right there!

Zelda: Okay, I agree with you in this specific circumstance, but NOT as a general principle.

>>"Drench us in all that pent up cum.

Rauru:  No no, it’s Penthouse where you go for you cum needs.

>>Shoot it all over these perverted girls. Cum. Cum. Cum!"

DED (in the tune of the Dragnet theme): CUMMMMMM CUM CUM CUM...CUMMMMM!

>>Malon couldn't handle standing idle anymore

Link: Oh COME NOW, WHERE’S THE HARM IN THAT

>>and pressed her hands over Zelda's grasp and helped jerk him off with the soft pillows.

Zelda: Oh, she gave up on her worthless boobs and has resorted to using my pillows, the finest, most luxurious pillows money can buy.

Rauru: Frankly, she’s an idiot for not doing this sooner.

>>The princess faltered back at the sudden break of plans

Zelda: Oh yeah, sure, being a political leader, I’m easily frightened by completely nonthreatening trivial changes to my immediate situation.

>>but saw Link's moaning face that showed him at his utter limits.


DED: Oh and
that just makes everything all better.

>>She looked down over her shoulder and saw the cockhead peek in and out, throbbing like crazy.

Link: She also saw a spider skitter under the bureau and she found it gross and creepy and it really killed the mood.

>>Zelda clutched hard, sinking her fingers into the titflesh as they pounded his meat together with no mercy.

Rauru: TONIGHT AT THE MEGADOME! It’s POUNDED HIS MEAT together with NO MERCY! SLAYER! And BLACK SABBATH!

>>"I'm… I'm…"

DED: NUUUUUUUUUCLEAR, I’M WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILD

>>A rope of semen popped out his tip and splattered Malon's face.

Zelda: ...Ya big disgrace...

Link: Flailin’ your hooters all over the place, singin’

All: WEEEEEEE, WILLLLLLLL, WEEEEEEE, WILLLLLLLL—

>>She cried out loud and Zelda gasped as the first shot fired.

DED: Yeah HOLY SHIT, even I can barely believe this is finally happening.

Rauru: Like yeah, am I dreaming?

>>Her mind went blank as she witnessed his orgasm,

Link: WITNESS MEEEEEEEEEEEE

Zelda: Cripes they’re treating Link’s orgasm like some world-shattering event of cosmic significance. What do they think this is, MY orgasm?!

DED: Listen toots, after THIS MUCH FUCKING STALLING, it IS a world-shattering event of cosmic significance.

>>so Malon took the lead and kept jerking him off to coax the rest out of his aching balls.

Link: That’s astonishing—as a reader I feel exactly the same deep ache in my balls, as though the process of reading this story was like getting kicked in the balls for hours. It’s amazingly evocative.

>>Another geyser burst up in the air and sprayed over Zelda's face, making her wince.

Zelda: Yeah, blasts of boiling-hot water full of sulfuric acid do tend to make me wince.

>>Malon squeezed tight and kept churning

Rauru: One of the less-famous British mottoes during World War II.

>>as the next few spurted out, hitting under her chin and oozing down her neck.

DED: ...I wonder if the ejaculation itself is going to last for 17 pages.

>>Zelda eased off of her and drifted over to the side to witness the volley of cumshots that streamed all over her.

Link: “Her?” Zelda? Like following Zelda as she moves?

>>He came over her chest

Zelda: ...oh REALLY?!?

>>and the semen poured down her cleavage like a milky waterfall.

Rauru: If only we could harness Malon’s sluttiness for hydroelectric power.

Zelda: If only we could harness Malon for FUCKING ANYTHING worthwhile.

Link: Hey she put a COW in my HOUSE, and you can’t put a price on that.

Zelda: Yes you can.

Link: How much?!

Zelda: I’d budget like 400 for the cow and 100 for the installation.

Link: SOLD! When can you start? Do you need a down payment?

Zelda: Well I suppose I...WAIT what the HELL are you talking about?!

>>Zelda watched the cock's spasms as is blasted the sticky substance over Malon's hefty boobs.

DED: As she HAD been doing for quite some time, yes.

>>She crept forward as he sprayed over the girl like a fountain,

Link: Approaching the five minute mark, and I want to die now. This is orgasm? This is what I longed for? This is a Sisyphean nightmare.

>>getting close enough for loose strands to smack her in the face again.

Rauru: Cripes this is like a Gallagher show or something.

>>She shut her eyes and dove in head first for her cleavage,

Zelda: Aaaaaaaand I smash into Link’s pelvis face-first and break my neck and break his pelvis and bruise Malon’s tits and then I’m dead so there’s a secession crisis and anarchy and bloodshed and the kingdom of Hyrule is no more and it’s all Malon’s fault, THE END YAHOO WE’RE DONE!

DED: Hoooooooold on there missy.

>>opening her mouth wide to catch the wild cock.

Link: That’s nothing, one time I had to catch a bunch of wild cocks scattered all over Kakariko, you wouldn’t BELIEVE where those rascals had gotten to!

>>The salty taste gushed into her mouth as she took him between her lips.

Zelda: WHY did I do this, again?

Rauru: Because if you don’t swallow some, Link’s endless semen is going to flood the whole room and break down the door like the elevator of blood in The Shining.

Link: UGH.

>>Zelda bobbed her head down his length, burrowing her face deep in her squishy valley.

DED: You just have to know that when it says “her squishy valley,” it’s referring to Malon, not Zelda, even though every other instance of “her” in that sentence refers to Zelda, not Malon. It’s Malon’s squishy valley, not Zelda’s, not Ruto’s, not Dolly Parton’s, not Angela Merkel’s, not Of The Dolls. Just take our word for it.

>>She went up and down him a few times

Rauru: YAWN...

>>before he flooded her throat, making her slide her tongue off of him and ascend back up.

Zelda: Could I just ascend out the window and exit this story entirely? Could I ascend to a higher plane of reality? Hell I’d go to the ass-end of Hyrule just to leave.

>>With her face out of the way, Malon went back to churning out the rest of his seed.

Link: Oh we’re long past semen at this point, you horrible succubi are just sucking all the fluid in my body out of my urethra.

>>He splattered over Zelda's exquisite nightgown but she didn't care,

Zelda: Of course SHE doesn’t care, she’s an irresponsible TWAT! Her opinion is irrelevant because it’s MY EXQUISITE NIGHTGOWN!

Link: I dissolved your exquisite nightgown with battery acid by mistake the other day though, remember?

Zelda: I HAVE MORE!!!

>>watching in awe as the arcs of the shots gradually lowered and coated the rest of her massive orbs.

Rauru: *hums “Fanfare for the Common Man”*

>>The princess was frozen in place

DED: Doesn’t she have anything to cure status effects?

Zelda: Well sure but I can’t use them! I’m frozen!

DED: What about another party member?

Link: I’m paralyzed too! By this ridiculous excessive ejaculation debuff.

Rauru: And the only remaining option to unfreeze Zelda is...Malon, and I don’t trust her to operate a fork.

>>as she gawked at the last pumps of the impressive cock

Link: Oh, THANKS, that's a REAL sensitive reaction to my freakish condition.

>>until it lowered its head and drooped down in her cleavage.

DED: THANK...GOD!!!

Zelda: ...The End? Please?

>>All three of them panted for breath as the spectacle finally wrapped up.

Rauru: Just watching things makes them out of breath? I *wheeze* know the feeling.

>>Link sunk deep in the blankets, too dazed to be responsive to anything.

Link: Of all the ways to die...

>>Malon backed off of the flaccid member and looked down at her messy torso, all of the cum dripping over her body.

Zelda: Was this what she had toiled so hard for? Why did she ever even want this? What WAS the point? The crushing weight of despair began to creep in once again.

>>She raised her hands over them

DED: “Her body...them.” Her body is a “them.”

Link: They don’t call The Breasts The Breasts for nothin’.

>>and smeared the thick puddles all across her round, firm orbs.

Rauru: And is that supposed to make us happy?!

>>Zelda stood there speechless, savoring the delicious sight of a cum-stained Malon.

Zelda: ...Or was it the cum-stained sight of a delicious—no, that doesn’t sound right...

>>The girl turned to her out of breath and put on a weak smile.

DED: At least she seems to be aware of how disappointed we all are in her.

>>The princess exhaled deeply.

Zelda: It’s a sigh of despair. It’s going to be my constant companion from now on.

>>"H… Holy Nayru…"

DED: “YES, WELL DONE, MORTALS! I FOUND THAT TO BE EXTREMELY HOT!”

Zelda: “MY VOYEURISTIC GODLY ORGASM HAS CRACKED THE HEAVENS! YOU SHOULD SHOOT A PORNO, I’D HELP!”

>>(about a month earlier)

Link: Whoa! Geez! A chapter break or something just sideswiped us.

>>"Smile!"


Rauru: NOT MAKIN’ THAT REAL EASY, STORY

>>Malon stood by the fence and smiled warmly

DED: Lukewarmly. Arby’s heating lamp, like, a soggy greasy warmth.

>>as Link kneeled in front of his Terminian pictograph box

Link: I MUST BOW DOWN BEFORE THE STRANGE FOREIGN TECHNOLOGY TO APPEASE THE SPIRITS INSIDE THAT STEAL MY IMAGE

>>they had set up on a tripod. He had his head burrowed under a dark cloth as he looked at her through the lens.

Zelda: What? No, you’re doing it wrong, the dark cloth is supposed to be preventing you from seeing Malon, you gotta put that in front of your eyes.

>>The two lovers stood atop a plush, green hill overlooking a beautiful view of Hyrule Field.

Rauru: So they came all the way here to take a picture of this landscape and they’re just overlooking it? How could you even miss it?!

>>The vista of Death Mountain laid in the distant horizon, still imposing despite the sheer distance from the outskirts of the ranch.

Link: The name doesn’t help either.

>>A gentle breeze ran through her flowing red hair,

DED: And only through her hair, leaving the surrounding area still and calm. Meteorologists baffled, film at 10.

>>tinted with an amber sheen as the sun crept closer and closer to the distant horizon.

Zelda: And so, another wasted day draws to a close.

>>She ran a hand through her hair to get it out of her face as he readied the camera to take a picture.

"Three… two…

Rauru: ...aaaaand the hair flops back over her face.

>>one…"

DED: KABOOOOM!

>>The ranch girl held her pose,

Zelda: Sucking loudly on a dripping popsicle, bent way over, ass sticking out unnaturally, making jerk-off motions with her pinkie out...

>>resting one hand against the fence behind her as her longskirt fluttered against the wind.

Rauru: “*SSHHWHWHWOOOOOOSSHHHSHOSSSSSHOOOOSH* HEY LINK IT’S SORT OF...WHOA! SORT OF WINDY OUT! *SHWOOOOOSSHHSOHHOHSHHHH*”

Link: “*SHWOOOOOOOOSWWOSSH* WHAT?!? I  CAN’T HEAR YOU, IT’S TOO WINDY!”

RAURU: “*SHHHWWOOOWWWWSSHHHSOOOSHH* I SAID, IT’S *SHWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*”

>>When Link clicked the button on the device, a flash of light blasted out.

DED: KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

>>Malon flinched but kept her deep blue eyes open,

Zelda: Aaaand she’s blind.

>>and then relaxed her posture after the picture was taken.

Link: Slumping to the ground, inert.

>>Link pulled up the black cloth off of his head and took a deep breath of fresh air. "Alright, now you do me."

Rauru: YES! No foreplay, no torturous denial, why couldn’t they have set THIS pace all along?!

>>He walked over to where Malon stood to take her place,

Link: “...now I get to wear the pretty dress...”

>>and when he approached she couldn't help but hold her hand to her mouth to suppress a few giggles.

DED: Nah, it isn't funny anymore, it's just sad.

>>He raised an eyebrow, confused. "What's so funny?"

Zelda: “Oh nothing, just remembering that funny cat video from Facebook...”

>>"Come here, let me fix your hair…" she said,

Rauru: “...Fix it but GOOD...!”

>>raising her hand to try to straighten his newly ruffled hair.

Link: Wh—I—bitch I just had my hair ruffled!

>>He squirmed around but that just made her laugh more

Rauru: “Ahahahahahaha, WRITHE...”

>>as she ran her hands through his golden strands.

DED: Which will DEFINITELY fix his hair, sure.

>>"Mmm, you look really good in this light…"

Zelda: “...and ONLY this light...”

>>"You do too." Link said, making Malon blush a little.

Link: “Oops, no, wait, it's gone, you look hideous again. Man you did look really good for a fraction of a second there...lighting sure is a fickle mistress!”

>>She leaned in to kiss him on the cheek, making him redden a little too.

Rauru: All their pictures are gonna turn out all red and funny.

DED: Eh, we’ll fix it in post. Unredden their skin, smooth out some blemishes, Photoshop Malon out completely...

>>"It-it's the truth…"

Link: “...Or something like it.”

>>Malon smiled warmly and burrowed her face into him,

Zelda: Euh, we got a clinger.

Link: Don't just tear her off! Cover her in petroleum jelly and she'll suffocate and drop off naturally.

>>wrapping her lips around his to kiss him passionately. 

Rauru: I put it to you that two people, with lips still attached to their bodies, cannot “wrap” their lips “around” one another.

>>He fidgeted back a bit in surprised but returned the kiss,

DED: They’re so awkward and uncomfortable around each other, it must be true love!

>>breaching his tongue into her mouth and exploring around inside.

Link: Locating and eliminating all hostile resistance.

>>She purred into his mouth and leaned into him, so he wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her in closer.

Zelda: Well I hope that made them happy.

>>All of a sudden he grabbed her hips and made her moan deeply.

Rauru: By reminding her that she has no retirement package or social welfare or human rights.

Zelda: That stuff’s for pussies.

>>She pawed at his chest as they continued to battle with their tongues.

DED: Until at last one of them was dead.

>>When Link started to drift his hand toward her ass, she squirmed and loosened her lips off his.

Link: Thank GOD, a way to make it stop...

>>When she departed from the kiss, Link's smile drooped down. "Hmm? What's wrong?"

DED: “You love getting your ass groped by me! That’s what I groomed you to think and THAT IS WHAT YOU THINK.”

>>"Huh? What do-Oh! I'm-I'm sorry…" Malon stammered,

Zelda: Yes but what I think she meant to say is *BWAWBWOBWOOBOWOBWEEWOOBOOBOOB*

>>backpedalling from him.

Link: Dammit woman I paid good money to get you as my bride, get back here!

>>"It's just, you know, the sun's about to set…"

Rauru: “...so I think I’ll take your picture later. Like, way later, in the darkness. No really, it’ll be good. It’s exactly the picture I want of you.”

>>She said, looking over to the reddening horizon. "Didn't you want to take that picture during the golden hour?"

Link: “What? What the hell’s that? What the hell do I know about photography? This is DUMB.”

>>Link looked down to the ground and sighed.

Zelda: Even Link is dismayed by how dense Malon is. I mean MY GOD, that’s saying something.

>>He looked over to Malon, whose enthusiasm about the shoot was starting to die down.

Rauru: “My enthusiasm for shooting is dying down, why don’t you just stab him like you usually do?”

>>"Are you okay with everything?"

DED: “Well not really, like, there’s war and poverty and stuff...”

>>"H-hey, don't worry about anything!" she said, holding onto his arm.

Link: “CAN DO!”

>>"I just didn't want to get us distracted…"

Rauru: “...That’s why I jammed my tongue into your mouth...”

>>she gripped his forearm tighter. "I was, umm… You know…"

Zelda: “...dropped on my head as a child...”

>>she squirmed around and darted her eyes to the side. A beat of sweat started to trickle down her forehead.

Rauru: “...OKAY I ADMIT IT I killed that guy who came to the ranch late at night for a jug of cream! I fed the corpse to the cows! It was the perfect crime, I tell you, and I’m glad I did it, GLAD I SAY! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

>>"...Turned on."

DED: Well knock it off, we’ve got a schedule to keep here!

Zelda: Dave, we say that to EVERY horny character in EVERY story, and it’s never going to have an effect.

DED: I know...

>>Link crossed his arms and looked at her,

Rauru: Luuuuuciiiiiiiiiille...!

>>not sure if she was just trying to cheer him up.

Link: Cheer up from what, how? Why are we fucking around up here anyway? Are we gonna bang, or not?! Why does this author love sex scenes that are as fumbling and awkward as sex in real life, if not moreso?!

Rauru: Relatable content, I guess.

>>"Umm… It's okay, really. We should just go ahead and take the picture."

Link: “I don’t know if you’re aware but there are undead skeleton warriors that burst out of the ground here at night...?”

>>She pouted. "We could do that some other day! It's fine, really…"

DED: ...then WHY DID YOU COME HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE YOU VAPID COW?!

>>"And we can do, you know, other stuff some other time too…"

Link: Heh heh, like...fishing...heh...

>>He tried to assume the best pose he could for the picture,

Zelda: ...Buuuuut he couldn’t even do that.

>>even though it was hard for him to maintain a convincing smile.

Rauru: After the things he’s seen...

>>"Please, let's go ahead and get this picture taken."

Link: “Jesus CHRIST, try and accomplish this most basic of tasks.

>>She looked at him for a second and sighed, trying to vent out her frustration.

Rauru: “...Look, I don’t know how to work it, oKAY?! I don’t even know how to read!”

>>"Okay…"

DED: “...Turn around, let’s see how those assless chaps look...hmm...”

>>Link watched her walk over to the tripod and felt guilty about the mutual misunderstanding going on.

Zelda: There’s a looooooooot of things these two mutually don’t understand.

>>"…I love you, Malon."

Link: “...I think that’s the emotion I’m feeling...”

Zelda: Well okay, to be fair, love can be a complex emotion. I mean, my love for you is pretty complicated sometimes!

Rauru: Would you say you have a love-hate relationship with Link, then?

Zelda: No, it’s more like...hmm...love love hate love hate, hate, love...Love! Love. Hate. Haaaaaaaaate. Love love love, but really, hate, hate, love. Um, hmm, am I missing anythiiiiiiiiiiii...nah, love, final answer.

Link: I um. Is that...?

Zelda: What was that, like 60-40 love and hate?

DED: It was 11 love 7 hate, but one of the hates was pretty elongated.

Zelda: Yeah that sounds about right.

Link: I <3 u too!

>>She looked back at him and smiled weakly-yet-genuinely at his attempt at reassuring her.

Rauru: Of course her weakness is genuine, I never thought otherwise.

>>"I love you too, Link." She burrowed her head under the black cloth

DED: Duuuuude, hotbox...hehehehehehe...

>>and readied the camera.

Rauru: “Huh, when I look into the viewfinder all I see is fire. Is that where all the smoke is coming from?”

>>"Smile, sweetie."

Link: “Sm...uh...OH! You mean me!”

>>He did the best that he could, but it looked too strained as he pulled his cheeks apart to show his teeth.

Zelda: That’s just HOW PHOTOGRAPHY IS. Take the damn picture.

>>Malon looked at him through the lens for a moment but realized this wasn't going to work.

DED: “Um, did I point it the wrong way...?”

>>"Link… Sorry about ruining the moment."

Rauru: “...And all those other moments...and various things...”

>>Link loosened the tension on his forced smile, letting it revert back to the frown.

Zelda: The natural expression to wear around Malon.

>>"No, please don't apologize, it's okay…"

Link: “Please just stop talking altogether...”

>>He tried again to smile, to poor results.

DED: This is pathetic.

Link: Look man, I’ve seen some shit.

>>She looked at him through the barrier of the lens, trying to figure out how to convince him this was all just a misunderstanding after all.

DED: What? Of course it’s a misunderstanding. NO ONE understands the root of the conflict here. I certainly don’t. The age-old struggle between the forces of lust and photography?

Rauru: If he isn’t convinced it’s a misunderstanding, then he must think it’s, what, a deliberate act of sabotage?

>>Even though the concern she had for her fiancé,

Zelda: Oh man, where to START?

>>she still felt some of the lingering excitement from how he was teasing her body earlier.

Link: And building excitement for Instagramming these pics later and basking in likes.

>>The young man continued to contort his face in all kinds of shapes,

DED: Rhomboids! Octagrams! Even a great snub dodecicosidodecahedron!

Zelda: ...You fuckin’ wot mate?

DED: Google it. That shit is buck wild.

>>trying his best to make a suitable smile for the camera.

Rauru: Maybe he needs to swap in a new pair of lips.

>>This was enough to lift her spirits a little bit, at least enough to formulate a new plan of action.

Zelda: A murder-suicide.

>>"Hey Link, you're having a hard time smiling for the camera…" she said,

Link: “I KNOW THAT DON’T YOU THINK I FUCKING KNOW THAT?!”

>>lifting up the black veil to look into him through her own eyes.

DED: ...into him.

Rauru: Like, as in, investigating him? Or peering through his clothes and skin?

>>"Look, darling, I'm not upset I'm just-"

Link: “...completely unable to smile in your presence for...some...other...reason. Yup!”

>>She began to waltz over to the side of the tripod to be out in the open for Link to see.

Zelda: Huh. Actually, I don’t know why he was having trouble smiling while Malon was completely obscured under a black sheet. That ought to be the most heartwarming sight he’s seen in a long time.

>>"I guess I'm just gonna have to make you smile…"

Rauru: “...with these hooks I brought along, just for this purpose. Hold still...”

>>He blinked. "Umm, I guess you could tell a joke or-"

Link: “...maybe with electrodes or something?”

>>Malon heaved out her chest and accentuated her breasts by pressing her forearms against them.

DED: Oh, wow, THERE’s an original idea, Malon. Really stretching the ol’ noodle on this one.

>>"So what's the one thing that can make a man smile every time~?"

Zelda: Male privilege?

Link: I was going to say “beef jerky,” but okay.

>>It took a second for him to snap out of his sulky trance and notice her advances.

Rauru: For all the rest of this story’s flaws, I think Link’s emotional response to being forced by Malon to go out and take pictures one afternoon is very believable and indeed relatable.

>>"Umm… I can think of two things, actually…"

Link: “The movie Airplane! and that one video of the dog who’s totally unable to catch things in its mouth.”

>>She giggled and swayed from side to side, trying to make her breasts jiggle through her shirt.

DED: Well hell, why don’t they just take pictures of that?

Zelda: Well, because the primitive photographic plates these olde-tymey cameras use suck at capturing motion. She’d look like her tits were being attacked by ghosts.

>>"You think you'll be able to maintain that grin of yours~?

Rauru: “I mean you know you’ve had problems achieving and maintaining certain OTHER states...”

Link: “Bitch did we not JUST get back from the castle where I popped a boner that lasted for like eleven months straight?”

>>Link fidgeted back, realizing that he was, in fact, smiling.

DED: He was so, so close to getting out of having to do this stupid photo bullshit, but now he blew it by actually being able to smile.

>>He blushed some, embarrassed that his mood could fluctuate so quickly.

Rauru: ...He can really still feel shame at this point?

>>"Umm, y-yeah, I'm good now-"

Link: “I used to be evil but there was this big redemption arc in Season 3...”

>>"Are you suuuuure~?" she teased, swaying around more violently.

Rauru: “YOU KNOW I THINK THE WIND IS ACTUALLY BECOMING A BIT OF A CONCER*SKWOOOOOOOORROOOOOSSSHHHHHHHHHH* WHOOOAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...”

>>"I don't think I trust you,

Zelda: Oh, of course, why would she?

>>I think we should make sure…" She glided her hand across her torso, slipping a finger between two buttons to find an opening that she could pull at, exposing some skin.

Link: And yet, my melancholy is unabated.

>>"…Actually, yeah, I think I need more… encouragement…"

DED: See a counselor or something.

Zelda: Here, I’ll help: HEY! GET OFF YOUR ASS AND DO THE DISHES!

>>This time, he tried to turn his smile upside down, but results were about as terrible as his attempts to smile a minute earlier.

Rauru: And, y’know, all the rest of the story.

>>Malon giggled as cutely as she could, which wasn't too much of a hassle for her.

Zelda: As for us, however, it was a fucking chore.

>>"You mean… Like this~?"

Link: “...NO, not like THAT you imbecile!”

>>she said as she began to undo each button one by one.

DED: BUTTONS! BEGOOOOOOONE! BANISHED, TO THE VOOOOOOOOID!

>>"It's been awfully hot out here today, the girls ought to breathe a little anyway…"

Link: “You leave our slaves out of this!”

Rauru: “Wh—slaves? I meant my tits! We don’t have slave girls on the ranch...do we?”

Link: “Um...nope!”

>>She made her way down the shirt, unbuttoning enough to show off her ample cleavage and the black bra that strained at the seams.

Zelda: Well then she should be out shopping for a bra that fits, not dicking around here taking glamor shots.

>>"Mmm, y-yeah…"

Link: “...I think?”

>>He crossed his arms and stiffened up his posture. Of course, he didn't realize something else was also starting to stiffen.

DED: The paralytic toxin finally starting to take effect.

>>The stripping redhead, however, did notice.

Rauru: Oh yeah, sharp as a tack, she is. Nothing gets by her.

Zelda: Or to put it another way, wow, she’s really good at detecting boners, she must be a big giant slut.

>>She took delight in toying with him pressing her palms against the sides of her breasts to smoosh them together.

Link: “No, look, it’s time we both admit that our marriage is a trainwreck! You can’t smoosh your way out of it this time!”

>>"Think this is enough, big boy~?"She shook them a little, giving them an enticing jiggle.

Rauru: “If not, I could grow more of them...”

>>"Oh, yeah-I mean, no!"

Link: “No, NO, of COURSE those won’t quiet the howling emptiness in my soul!”

>>He started to sweat a good deal as he felt his tunic tighten around his crotches.

Zelda: His...crotches.

DED: He’s one of those rolling walking circle of legs monsters.

>>He looked down below to see his growing erection, his hero's clothes offering very little in the way of support.

Link: By design...ladies.

>>"Ohh… That's no good, we can't take a picture of me like this, not unless something's done about it…"

Rauru: Yup, you blew this simple job too. Can you two do anything right?

>>"Ooh, I like the way you think~!" she chimed,

Zelda: Honey, those words are going to haunt you.

>>ecstatic to see him playing along.

Link: No different from the usual farce we put on for each other just to get through the day, eh Malon?

>>She took some more steps towards him, swaying her hips harsher than ever

DED: No, please, God, stop, I beg you!

>>as she unbuttoned herself all the way down her shirt,

Rauru: I didn’t even know her self HAD buttons!

>>letting the two halves of the garment part ways.

Link: LIKE I’M ABOUT TO.

>>She kept the buttons fastened above her cleavage, letting her shirt drape from her shoulders like a very revealing cloak.

Zelda: A very smelly, revealing, proletarian cloak.

>>Once she approached him, she reached her hand downward to grasp around his rising bulge.

DED: Ah, a classic approach setup, I’ve seen this at fighting game tournaments.

>>"Oh dear, you feel really tense…"

Rauru: “The fuck is WRONG with you? I’m doing a sexy striptease. Fucking relax.”

>>Link stood there squirming as she pawed at his member. "Nnhh, yeah…"

Link: “I love it when you, quote, ‘paw at my member.’”

Rauru: “...Why did you feel the need to say that weird stilted way?”

Link: “Bitch are you gonna suck it or are you gonna paw it to death?!”

>>As she toyed with his crotch,

Zelda: That is NOT a toy young lady.

DED: That thing is loaded, it could go off at any time.

>>he ran his hand down her sides and made his fiancé purr at the touch.

Rauru: Pawing, purring, we’ve taken a sharp turn towards AnthroCon here.

>>He slipped his fingers under the waistband of her longskirt and started to slide one side of it down her hip to expose her thigh and panty line.

Link: Malon is a notorious thigh-and-panty hardliner. A thong extremist, even.

>>She moaned and draped her arm over his shoulder,

DED: Like all women, obsessed with drapes.

Zelda: Man I don’t give a shit about drapes, my interior decorators just take all the hopes and dreams of the taxable poor and turn them into whatever the fuck they feel like.

Rauru: You’re really not that into aesthetics?

Zelda: Look, in spite of what you might think, I don’t actually get to decide what luxury and excess looks like.

Link: Really?

Zelda: Yeah! If I really were all-powerful, I would just wear pajamas and no bra all day, but I can’t get away with it.

Link: I’d help you get away with it.

Zelda: That's sweet of you, but it’s all for naught. I’m not the arbiter of decadence, I’m just forced to immerse myself in it as part of a performative identity I inherited from birth that I can never publicly abandon or else my country will fall into anarchy.

DED: Cry me a river.

Zelda: MAYBE I WILL, ASSHOLE!

>>leaning in to suckle on Link's neck as he kneaded her buttock.

Rauru: Man, why you gotta make me think of freshly-baked bread and REMIND me of the wonderful things this story is forcing me to miss out on?!

>>Malon rocked her hips into him, grinding her eager loins against his crotch.

Link: Eager, but not so eager as to not require EIGHT TRILLION WORDS OF FOREPLAY.

>>Link moaned and returned the favor as he dragged her skirt down to her ankles,

DED: That constitutes a favor, right?

>>completely revealing the girl's soaked panties as she brushed the outline of her cove against his clothed cock.

Zelda: Oh, awesome, more teasing and buildup, that’s EXACTLY what this story was missing.

>>"Come on, let's get you out of that tight tunic…" she whispered into his ear as she undid his belt.

Rauru: “Let’s get that diaper changed...”

>>Link smirked and gripped the sides of her panties to side them down her quivering thighs.

Link: She’s right to be afraid of what she’s awakened.

>>She hummed under her breath and moved her hips gently from side to side to help slide her undergarments down her legs to reveal her tender pussy.

DED: How did the humming help with that at all?

Zelda: I dunno, what’s the resonant frequency of her panties?

>>Malon yelped a little at the sensation of the breeze running between her exposed legs.

Rauru: She also yelps a little if she sees a squirrel, or if you suddenly wave a piece of fabric in her peripheral vision. Basically she’s like a dumb, excitable dog.

Zelda: Wow, she and Link are made for each other.

>>She drove her face back into his for another deep kiss.

DED: VRRRMMvrmmvrmvrm, brrrRRRRRMMMMM VREEEEEEEEEEE RRRrrrrnnnnnn SKRREEEEEEEE!

Link: ...And across the line!

>>Link reciprocated, nibbling her lip as they both helped each other fish out the throbbing member from his trousers.

Zelda: ...is it really that hard?

Link: ...AHUR!

Zelda: I mean DIFFICULT! Shit!

>>After a moment of fumbling around,

Rauru: Oh it’s been FAR MORE THAN A MOMENT, all told.

>>both of their hands intertwined as they both wrapped around his turgid erection.

Link: “Um, okay, are you—”

Rauru: “You’re going to have to move your hand if—”

Link: “—But I was going to guide it into—”

Rauru: “—thought I was going to give it a—”

Link: “—but don’t you want it in your—”

Rauru: “—look let’s just take a step back an—”

Link: “—oh god I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore!”

Rauru: “I can’t distinguish my hand from your hand anymore!”

Link: “AAHHHH HURRRRRRRRR”

Rauru: “DURRRRRRRRRRR”

Link: “URRRRRRRRRRRR”

>>They pulled him out of the tunic, exposing his shaft to the outside air.

DED: Who’s the guy who gets out his dick ‘stead of posing for a sunset pic? LINK! You daaaaamn right.

Link: He’s a complicated man, but no one understands him but his woman...

>>Without needing to exchange any words,

Zelda: ...Thank GOD!!!

>>the young couple plunged into each other, impaling his rod into her dripping entrance.

Rauru: Okay, SHEESH, fine, just have some awkward standing-up sex, right here, on the top of a hill with a view for miles around!

>>Malon cried out in pleasure, not caring if her moans of ecstasy echoed all the way to Lake Hylia.

DED: She’s kind of an idiot like that.

>>Link grabbed hold of her hips slowly slid his cock into her, filling her inch by inch until his balls pressed against her.

Zelda: Man this prose fairly crackles with erotic energy.

>>He eased his way back out, sending shivers across Malon as he teased her insides as he took his sweet time traversing her.

DED: Oh he took his sweet time, YOU DON’T SAY

>>"A-ah! Link, ohh…" she muttered,

Link: “A-HEM, do you have something you’d like to share with the class?”

>>leaning her head over his shoulder as he pushed himself back in.

Rauru: “Eugh. Are you using that dandruff shampoo I bought you, or not?”

>>She reeled back in recoil as she took him in,

Zelda: She moved away from his penis in the process of it penetrating deeper into her. Okay.

Rauru: This story has already established that the angles and geometries of spacetime as we know it bend and warp in Malon’s presence. NBD.

>>panting for breath as he moved in and out at an increasing pace.

DED: At least SOMEONE has a sense of urgency.

>>Malon dragged her fingertips down his back as he held her body firmly, fucking her tenderly as they booth stood up atop the grassy hill.

Link: And then we fucked the magic bullet into Kennedy’s brain! IT ALL FITS NOW!

>>Link smirked in satisfaction at the lusty noises his fiancé made.

Zelda: As always, Link is the only one achieving satisfaction.

>>He picked up the pace,

Rauru: HALLELUJAH!

>>thrusting deeper and faster into her tight pussy. Malon's knees began to wobble as they kept standing, so Link held her firmly by the waist to help keep her steady.

DED: He could try some ratchet straps.

Link: What about a system of ropes and pulleys?

>>Malon ran her hand through his blonde hair as she kept clawing at his back with the other, getting rougher whenever Link got rougher.

Zelda: Well YEAH, there’s only one thing that works on Link, and it’s escalating abuse.

>>She peppered his neck with light kisses as he pounded away at her.

Link: Or did she...pound his neck with light peppers as he kissed away at her?

DED: NO!

>>She closed her eyes as all the ecstatic sensations ran through her body, breathing rapid fire breaths over Link's shoulder

Rauru: I’m sorry, WHAT?

Link: Oh FUCK, she was King Dodongo in disguise!

>>as he kept on pleasuring her.

Zelda: If only the audience could ever feel any of this elusive pleasure...

>>"Ohh, Link… I feel…" she murmured, starting to feel lightheaded.

DED: “...Lightheaded,” she said, finishing her sentence about how she was feeling lightheaded, since she was feeling lightheaded.

>>She leaned her body further into him,

Rauru: The wonky collision detection made it a hilarious affair.

>>pressing her heaving breasts against his abdomen and burrowing her face into his chest.

Link: GNAAHH NO SHE’S GOING TO LAY HER EGGS IN MY LUNGS

Zelda: She’s like an unholy hybrid of a facehugger and a chestburster: a face-chester.

>>"Mmm, me too…" Link said,

Link: “I also feel...with my nerves and shit...”

>>patting her hair as he tried to keep her balanced with his other arm.

Rauru: This is so awkward and uncomfortable, it's almost like there's a reason people prefer to have sex lying down in a bed.

>>"Nnnhh, you're so wet…"

Zelda: ...You’re so WEEEEET! I bet you think this moisture’s abooout yooou, dooon’t yooou, dooon’t yooou...

>>Malon blushed brightly, thankful that her face was hidden against his torso.

DED: Lest her shining face act like a beacon as they fuck, standing up, on the top of a hill, that BY DEFINITION, being a scenic overlook, IS EXPOSED TO VAST SWATHS OF LANDSCAPE.

>>"I'm…" she began, her voice muffled against him.

Rauru: “...Malon, nice to meet you...”

>>"I'm getting close…"

Zelda: “We’re kind of drifting a bit, repositioning our feet here on this cliff while we’ve been fucking, and I’m kind of close to the...WHOA! Cliffedge kinda crumbling a bit—”

>>"It's okay, babe…" he said,

Link: “I don’t care...”

>>slamming into her with every ounce of his energy.

DED: Dude, you’ve GOT to stop completely expending all your energy, it’s really irresponsible. Just slam into her with like, 97% of your energy.

Zelda: Maybe it’s rounding to the nearest ounce, meaning he might still have a few grams of energy left.

>>She'd always reached her limits before he did, but he didn't mind.

Link: Man I surpass EVERYONE’S limits.

Zelda: Patience, sanity...

>>He savored the feeling of her slick juices around his cock as he moved in and out of her quivering insides.

Rauru: But he never stopped to ask why...

>>"Come whenever you're ready…”

Link: “...If you want an ass-kicking...”

>>She whined, her folds tightening around him as his throbbing member thrust into her core.

DED: What’s her deal, only one core? Doesn’t she support multicore threading?

>>"L-Linkkkk, ohhh…." Malon bounced her pelvis up and down over him, her chest heaving against him with each stride. "I'm… I'm…"

Rauru: “...written so one-dimensionally...”

>>After closing her eyes tightly and staying completely silent and tensing up her body, she suddenly cried out in ecstasy

Zelda: Well THAT ruined it, why did you even BOTHER if you were just gonna do that?

>>as she convulsed against Link's shaft.

Link: They this cat Link is a baaaaaad mother—

Zelda: Shut yo’ mouth.

Link: I’m talkin’ ‘bout Link!

Zelda: No I mean it, end this running gag, it isn’t funny anymore.

DED: Okay. There are no more lyrics to the Shaft theme song anyway.

>>The two lovers embraced each other tightly as they moaned together while his throbbing cock pounded through the new juices in her tender cove.

Rauru: “The New Juices,” the latest prog-synth-electro-turbo-folk sensation.

>>She spasmed a few more strides over his thumping cock

DED: ...the fuck that even MEAN?!

>>before she pulled back to slip away from his member that was still hard.

Link: Pulling back was still hard? Was it hard before? Does she have lumbar pain or something?

>>She pulled her and skirt back up

Zelda: I have no idea what and saying here.

>>before wrapping both her hands around his hard on,

Rauru: Not a hard-on but a hard “on.”

DED: Like if you switch a power switch. That’s a binary system, that’s a hard on or hard off.

>>one hand tugged the length and the other's palm covered his cockhead.

Link: Cover the shameful one-eyed trouser snake from thine eyes, Malon.

>>Link leaned his head back and closed his eyes as he moaned from her handjob, his shaft slippery with her love juices. She pumped his rod with rigorous force,

Zelda: I approve of rigorous force. But you need divine wisdom behind it or else you get this.

Link: Exactly. That’s why I’M so successful.

Zelda: ...

>>making her breasts jiggle as she jerked him off.

DED: ...the edge, to his death.

>>He couldn't help himself

Rauru: For a guy whose job it is to help people, the one person he cannot help...is himself.

>>in staring at the sight and latched onto her tits with both hands,

Link: That’s right baby, it’s all or nothing when I grope tits.

>>making her squeal as she tried to keep up the pace despite the distraction. He kneaded her bosom to the same rhythm of her shaking his cock with her delicate grasp.

Zelda: Sadly it was the harsh, dissonant rhythm of a Death Grips song, and it was terrible for lovemaking.

>>She shrieked a little and squirmed as he groped her.

Rauru: And hooted and flapped her arms like a chicken.

>>"L-Link, you know those are super sensitive…"

DED: What a manifestly terrible superpower.

Zelda:: Unless they’re “super sensitive” as in they act as sonar to let Malon see in the dark, detecting the tiniest fluctuations in ambient air pressure.

>She pouted cutely as he pawed at her chest,

Link: None of us have any goddamn hand-eye coordination! We’re always pawing and fumbling at each other like we’re a pair of crooks nervously crowbarring open the door to a jewelry store.

>>feeling how hard her nipples were against her shirt.

Rauru: And feeling how hard it is to find a reasonably-priced snowblower.

>>Link's precum smeared profusely against her as she palmed his cockhead.

Zelda: God WHY does this story think we want to read about profuse smearing?!

>>He moaned hard as she teased his sensitive tip. "Ohhh, Malon…"

DED: “...What are we going to do with you...”

>>he leaned his head back as he throbbed in her grasp. "I can't… nnnhh… take much more…"

Link: “...of this marriage...this only makes up so much ground...”

Zelda: “I can't...take much more...of this pacing...”

>>"Go ahead…" she said to him with a warm smile.

Link: “Do you imagine I need your permission?”

>>Their deep blue eyes locked into each other

Rauru: And they had to call the fire department to get them unstuck.

>>as she felt his cock stiffen up in anticipation as his essence welled up in his shaft. "Let it all out…"

DED: “All of your rage, your pain! Your awesome power! GIVE IT TO MEEEEEEEEE”

>>After jerking him off for a few more moments, she felt his cock begin to twitch.

Link: In a matter of moments it was a partnered streamer with a thriving Patreon.

>>Before he could moan, she leaned in to lock her lips with his as his hips started to spasm.

Zelda: Yeah, but it's all the OTHER sounds he makes that are the real problem.

Link: ...So it's okay if I moan loudly at random?

Zelda: NO

>>She flinched when a jet of warm cum sprayed against her palm

Rauru: “...GODS, why is it so cold? It's like ice how is this POSSIBLE?!?”

>>but kept up the deep kiss as she polished his ejaculating member.

DED: I wish you’d polished THIS STORY!!!

>>She smeared all his fresh, hot semen along his length to lube up the slick handjob as she kept pumping him harder and harder to make him squirm in ecstasy.

Link: Malon is all about maximum mess, all the time. Does she do this shit when she’s putting mayo on a sandwich?

Rauru: Hey man, sometimes people just get a little too enthusiastic about the mayonnaiseing process. It’s even happened to me, if you can believe that.

Link: NO.

Rauru: Really!

>>Shots of cum spurted over her torso whenever her palm slipped off of his quivering cockhead.

DED: Come ON, get your head in the game!

>>Malon yelped a little at getting hit by the fluid but tried to finish the job of coaxing out every last drop.

Zelda: Man if only she would be this diligent about her actual job.

>>Link parted his lips from Malon's to pant for breath, exhausted by the orgasm.

Link: And just the dragging weight of the narrative in general.

>>His lover continued to paw at his post-orgasmic shaft to wipe off all the oozing semen,

Rauru: GOOD TO HEAR, I WAS WONDERING

>>making him shudder at the sensation on his sensitive, softening penis.

DED: Shuddering at the sensation on his sensitive softening penis? What a silly superfluous solipsistic so-and-so.

>>She wrapped up the job as quickly as she could,

Zelda: OH WHY START NOW

>>cupping her hands together to gather a puddle of cum to bring up to her face.

Link: Don't play with your food, honey.

>>Blushing, she hesitated for a second before diving her face in to take a few scoops with her tongue.

Rauru: Iiiiiiii’d have perhaps hesitated a bit more.

>>She swirled the taste around in her mouth

DED: Imma SLAP the taste OUT yo’ mouth!!

>>to savor the flavor as she lapped up the rest in her palms.

Zelda: Can’t be a worse drink than, ooooooh, the milk she peddles! HYOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

>>Once she finished cleaning up her hands,

Link: But what about her act?

Rauru: And her room, would it kill her to clean up that for a change?

DED: Or her soul, she really ought to scrub off the thick layer of filth and debauchery that clings to it every so often.

>>her face emerged from the depths of her palms.

Zelda: Things definitely known for their depth, yup.

>>Link chuckled lightly as he saw a smear of his cum across her cheek,

Link: “Heh heh, that reminds me of this great joke in Marmaduke the other day...”

>>so he caressed her with his thumb to wipe off the mess.

Rauru: The mess has been ongoing and it’s nowhere near fixed.

>>She closed her eyes and purred, nuzzling her face against his hand.

DED: Well she might as well talk to it, ‘cuz the face ain’t listenin’.

>>He trailed his thumb over to her lips and she eagerly took it into her mouth to suckle the last trace of semen off his hand.

Zelda: I still don’t get how they billed this story as “a taut courtroom thriller.”

Rauru: No, that wasn’t the bill, this was supposed to be a musical comedy about cheese.

DED: I think you’ll find you’re both wrong; this story was originally pitched as a biopic of Pee Wee Herman that got heavily edited into its current form.

>>He leaned in on her, pressing his forehead against hers as they stared into each other.

Zelda: Nope! Nothin’ in there, either direction.

Link: ...Hey! That’s not true. There’s landscape in other directions.

>>Link wrapped her arms around her waist and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

Rauru: And I want to wrap my lips around a couple scores of meatballs, let’s wrap this shit up!

DED: When has the story ever stopped you from eating?

Rauru (sucking meatballs out of a huge gravity-fed hopper): ...Uuh?

DED: Oh I see, those were unrelated ideas.

>>She darted her eyes over to the side to look out to the dimming horizon,

Zelda: “*GRRRR!* *HISSSSS!*”

>>where the sun buried itself halfway into the distant forests.

Link: Far, far away from here...WHERE I’D LIKE TO BE.

>>"She smirked. "Guess we'll have to take that picture some other time, huh?"

DED: Eh, now’s good...or never, never is fine too...

>>He laughed a little and they embraced one more time before they

Zelda: ...walked down opposite sides of the hill and never met again.

>>tidied themselves up and packed up the camera,

Rauru: “Whups! Smashed it! Problem solved, ha ha!”

>>heading back to the ranch as dusk blanketed Hyrule Field.

Link: ...thank GOD! We’re fucking DONE, I’m outta here!

DED: Shouldn’t we end with some snappy quip?

Zelda: No, we should just end. AND SHOW THE STORY HOW IT’S DONE.

1 comment:

  1. I love these MSTs so much, I hope we get some more soon. :)

    ReplyDelete