“The Charms of a Sheikah” by GrimGrave

In the not-too distant future,

Somewhere on the Internet,

Lurked a crazy rambling author

no one could just quite forget,

Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made

Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,

They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,

So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space

We’ll send him crappy fanfics,

The worst we can find, (la la la!)

He’ll have to sit and read them all

And we’ll monitor his mind

Now keep in mind he can’t control

When the fics begin or end

He’ll try to keep his sanity

With the help of his character friends:

Random Roll Call!

Pictograph Guy! “This MST available in 4K UHD!”

Rauru!  “You better ruuuuun (or he’ll steal your lunch), you better hiiiiiiide (your luuuuuuunch)!”

Zelda! “Mitte advocatorum, armis, et pecunia!”

Link! “Hot take: Where did leave my hair cream?”

If you don’t get how he stays alive

Or other technicalities,

Just bear in mind that I don’t care

So don’t bother asking, please

On Random Silly Theater 3000!

“The Charms of a Sheikah” by GrimGrave

>>Kakariko Village;

DED: A seemingly normal town, but one that in fact had long been on the verge of slipping...into the Twilight Zone.

Link: More like the Bone Zone.

DED: Please, can we just bask in the classiness of Rod Serling before we move on to the old sordid routine?

Zelda: I guess it’d be nice for you all to bask in the classiness of someone besides me for a change. *DOONK*

Rauru: What was that?

Zelda (holding an open jug of moonshine in one hand and a cork in the other): ...What was what?

>>Link had always enjoyed the tranquillity of this town,

Rauru: ...as he shattered it with his very presence.

Link: Look my dude, I got those Cuccos back. I brought order to the chaos.

DED: Was that before or after you rearranged and plundered and exploded their graveyard?

Link: Shut up.

>>especially as a child.

Zelda: Oh yeah, the tranquility of the Bottom of the Well, it’s a regular day spa down there. Those whispering skeletons, they’re really relaxing.

Link: Oh hey, my “Bone Zone” joke was actually even cleverer than I realized.

Rauru: ...Everything is more clever than you can realize...

>>It reminded him of Kokiri Forest, not in terms of buildings or looks

DED: The Kokiri only sort of have “buildings.”

Link: But we DEFINITELY have “a look,” you can’t argue with me on that.

DED: Yeah that goes with why they’re only sort of buildings, I mean...really, what they are is trees.

Link: So’s our mayor! What’s the big deal?

>>but because it was a peaceful place with a plethora of people

Rauru: ...Taller people, granted, but...

Zelda: Alliteration ahoy, assholes!

>>going on about their day,

DED: ...and on and on and ON I just CAN’T get a word in edgewise!

>>an atmosphere that would always make him feel like at home.

Rauru: Feel, like, at home?

DED: Yep there’s nothing like...other people...going about their own business...to make you feel at...home...?

Link: Well yeah, I mean, my home is full of people wandering around ignoring me and doing their own tasks, isn’t yours?

Zelda: Yes, because you live with me in MY castle, and I’ve instructed the servants to strictly ignore you until you start catastrophizing.

Rauru: Well no, no, credit where it’s due: Kokiri Forest is also full of people trying to live their normal lives, while Link jogs around and climbs and jumps off things like a weirdo. Link feels at home wherever he goes.

>>It was inviting and made him forget about the horrors of his Destiny if only for a little while.

DED: I choose to read that random capitalization like it’s the model name of his car. Like, “It made him forget about the horrors of his Camaro, if only for a little while.”

Link: “My Destiny threw a track control arm and the whole steering rack went out of alignment, right after I just got the AC fixed! What a week!”

>>The same horrors had now befallen this place.

DED: These horrors be fallin’ all over the place!

>>Buildings burned, the sky had darkened,

Rauru: ...Crops blighted, coupons expired, toilets backing up...

>>and only thanks to the mysterious Sheik had Link avoided death at the hands of the shadowy surface that had escaped from the well.

DED: ...I was all set to criticize, but “surface” is a good word for it. Well, “texture” is an even better word, as in, “a horrible low-res texture slid out of the well and across the town textures.”

>>It had gone after Sheik and the Hylian had dashed over to defend him—

Zelda: Yup, you stood there and tried to hit this nebulous force of living darkness with a big sharp metal stick in your hand.

Link: Bitch that metal stick can kill ghosts and shit. It was totally gonna work, I was just getting my eye in on that dastardly surface.

DED: ...Low-res texture.

Rauru: Knock it off. You don’t see us criticizing your hideous textures.

DED: ...I like this outfit...

>>…Then what? Everything had gone black from that point.

Zelda: Ha, sounds like a typical Tuesday night for Zelda!

Link: Yeah, s—huh?

Zelda: I’m preempting you guys. It’s my new strategy.

DED: Are you sure this isn’t going to just make us try harder to make fun of you?

Zelda: What the hell do I care? I’m just trying out this whole “mocking Zelda’s alcoholism” thing you’ve been doing for the past decade; I know you all will keep doing it mercilessly.

Rauru: Forgive me if I’m unsympathetic towards your—and YOU explained this to us—purely hedonistic deliberately wasteful consequence-free drinking binges that you mitigate completely with magic.

Zelda (holding moonshine jug, pinkie out): Also pivotal to the new strategy? *DOOK DOOK DOOK*—PFHWEW, SHIT!...The good stuff.

>>Blue eyes stirred behind tired eyelids,

DED: Yeah, but what’s behind THOSE blue eyes?

Link: Well, I mean, knowledge of what it’s like to be the bad, sad man that I am.

Zelda: Well I’m behind blue eyes too, and no one knows what it’s like to feel these feelings like I do...and I blame YOU.

Rauru: Who?

DED: ...Yeah, that’s the joke, but I think it’s run its course! THANK YOU!

>>consciousness slowly returning.

Zelda: Common sense still tragically absent.

>>The first he registered was the pain in his temples and abdomen.

Link: Oh that’s right, I was doing a bunch of sit-ups, so I’m sore, but also I kept hitting my head on the bottom of the kitchen table every time I flexed my wicked abs and raised my head and shoulders.

Rauru: Why didn’t you just...move?

Link: I was moving. That’s the whole point of the exercise, I thought even you would understand that.

>>Soon, he realized he was lying down – lying on something soft –

DED: Brilliant deductions, Holmes!

>>and a light above him stung his eyes.

Link: Gah, elemental light-wasps!

Zelda: ...Really?

Link: I fight monsters for a living, I’m prepared for anything! It’s not so implausible. Come on, our caves are full of Keese that are constantly engulfed in naturally-occurring fire.

Zelda: Okay, point taken.

>>"You're awake! Thank the Goddesses!"

Rauru: “Now I can leave!”

>>He stirred, groaning.

Link: “Urgghhh...internal bleeding...”

Rauru: “Yep, thank the Goddesses! You’re awake!” *door slam* “No worries, you got this! Bye!”

>>As he adjusted his eyes, vision came back.

Zelda: The first time in his life Link has understood a simple cause-and-effect relationship.

Link: I don’t see how you have any basis to say that.

Zelda: ...EXACTLY...

>>He was in someone's house.

DED: ...in the middle of some street!

>>The light came from a lantern hanging on a hook in the ceiling and the person speaking was—

Rauru: —speaking!

>>"Sheik…?" By the Great Deku Tree, his body hurt.

Link: I don’t really swear by him. That guy didn’t really care about our bodily hurts.

DED: Really?

Link: Dude, you played the game, you saw his dialogue—imagine, like, basically Rauru, but high on cough syrup at all times, instead of eating at all times.

Rauru (stuffing brownies into his mouth from a tray): Sowds awfuu! *SCHNORF GROMP*

>>"You took a dire hit back there," he explained.

Zelda: Is that a Pokemon move?

DED: No, it’s one of those items that no one uses or understands, like whatever the fuck “Guard Spec.” is.

Rauru: Oh yeah, “Guard Spec.”

Link: “Guard Spec.”

DED: Oh! Hey! I looked it up, and it’s even better than you think: Dire Hit is the item that in Gen 1 quarters your crit chance instead of doubling it because of lazy programming.

>>"The beast tossed you around like a doll before I managed to drive it off.

Link: “You play with DOLLS? Gaaaaaaaaaay.”

Zelda: “No, they’re articulated figurines! I mean it’s just a simile shut up!”

>>It has since returned to the well, but I fear it's only a matter of time before it'll return."

Rauru: ...Didn’t you just say it already...did...?

>>"Then I have to leave immediately," Link responded.

Link: As I walked out of town and never looked back.

>>"You should know, Impa has already left to deal with the beast –

DED: “Oh, perfect, why didn’t you say so? Let’s go grab a coffee then.”

>>she mentioned she would attempt to seal it away—

Rauru: Huh, maybe she could have taken care of that...earlier...

>>"Then there's no time to waste!"

DED: “...Except for the reader’s!”

>>he stated, forcing himself up as the pain twisted in his chest. "She can't do it alone!"

Link: “We have to do it, together!”

Zelda: “You have to do it together?”

Link: “Yes, do it, together.”

>>"Of course not, but—"

Rauru: “...Who cares?”

>>"Don't try to stop me, Sheik!" said Link through gritted teeth.

Zelda: “Can do!”

>>Impa was an important person to him – to Zelda –

Link: To me, Zelda?

DED: How many times do we have to explain?! Zelda isn’t the name of the main character!

>>and that horrid creature, whatever it was, could not be bested alone.

Link: And yet, SOMEHOW, they always seem to be bested by me and me alone anyway, don’t they?

>>"I'm not trying to, Link!

Rauru: “In fact I’m eagerly awaiting your death!”

>>I am needed elsewhere,

Zelda: “My job here is done!”

Link: “...But you didn’t do anything...”

Zelda: *poof*

>>and I know you and Impa will pull through. But you must heal up before you go!"

DED: “Heal you up, before you go-go, don’t leave that arm hanging off like a yo-yo!”

>>His patience began to wane. "Then why haven't you used any of my potions, or a fairy?!"

Zelda: “Because I’m not hurt, you are!”

>>"Because," Sheik began, expression – what little could be seen in his eyes –deadpanned.

Rauru: No, actually, I know it’s weird, but the face you see in someone’s eyes is really your face, being reflected off the glossy surface of the cornea. It’s not a tiny effigy of the person the eyes are attached to.

Link: Is that why I always thought Zelda has such manly eyes...

Zelda: Hey!

>>"There's, like, no way to sort things through this hammer-space pouch of yours. I can't find anything."

Link: “It’s really easy, you press Start and use the control stick to select things and A to equip them. Are you dense? Or what, are you gonna break the fourth wall on me and then not have the balls to back it up?”

>>…

Well, that was a solid point.

DED: I’m glad you ruined the tone of your story to make it.

>>

x.x.x

The Shadow Temple;

Link: A planned undead community.

>>who'd knew a place like this existed in Kakariko's own backyard – quite literally.

Rauru: Yards are the place you put all the corpses, right?

Zelda: Oh yeah.

DED: So you know where all the bodies are buried, huh Zelda?

Zelda: Well, I mean, point to a patch of ground, and I’ll name you a dissident...

>>Having lit the braziers and made his way through the dark corridor,

Rauru: ...Link decided he’d made excellent progress and quit for the day.

>>Link found himself in the central room of this damned place.

Link: “Oh hey, little conversation pit, tasteful lighting, plush velvet, good use of throw cushions...I like it! Quite the turnaround!”

>>He had heard rumours,

DED: Good album, definitely the best out of Fleetwood Mac, but eh, not really my genre.

>>none particularly pleasant, but they didn't do this temple any justice;

Link: “I know! The art deco coffee table, the sleek yet understated Bauhaus chairs...I don’t know what they’re talking about, this place has great atmosphere!”

>>it was far, far worse than he could have imagined.

Rauru: There’s...no buffet!

>>The air was choking and foul and a lingering eeriness haunted the catacombs.

Zelda: The restrooms were messy and inconveniently placed, concessions were overpriced, and the eldritch horrors were only about half as mind-shattering as advertised. 3/10, avoid until they do some major overhauls.

>>The blackened walls were at times stained red with that Link could only assume to be unfortunate victims from an age long forgotten,

Rauru: ...Who had tragically been jostled as they delivered their cauldrons of tomato sauce to the dining room, and splashed it everywhere...

>>serving as a testament to the horrors that had been locked away

Zelda: The stains...the stains...the persistent grime and waxy buildup...is there no affordable multi-purpose cleaning product that can cleanse this evil long sealed in darkness?!

Link: Hey, I’ve already got the earring—I could throw on a bald cap and a tight white tee-shirt and be your non-copyright-specific muscular cleaning servant genie.

Zelda: Hmmmmmmm...we’ll...we’ll workshop that...

>>– horrors that still lurked in the shadows to this day.

Rauru: Though they never returned to the height of their fame, a new generation of fans are rediscovering the Shadow Temple’s inimitable style, and with rumors of a reunion tour swirling, it’s clear the horrors of the Shadow Temple are here to stay. Next up on VH1’s Behind the Horror...

Link: ...Zelda’s carrot cake! HYOOO!

Zelda: It was NOT that bad!

Link: Yeah it was worse! HYOOO!

Zelda: Shut up, stop! I admit I’m far too patrician to be naturally good at it, but I am getting better at baking.

Link: Better than what, a crematorium? HYOOO!

Zelda: I WILL SMITE YOU WITH POWER BEYOND COMPREHENSION!

Link: I can barely comprehend anything anyway! HYOOO!

Zelda: DAMN YOU YOU’RE RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!

>>And somewhere in this temple was Impa.

DED: The greatest horror of all.

>>The object of his affections.

Rauru: And they say men “objectify” women...

>>Despite the eeriness, Link thought back to his younger days;

DED: Yeah, everybody gets a bit of a sense of eeriness thinking back to our younger days. Eeriness, embarrassment, regret, something like that...

>>Impa had probably been the first woman he had come across who had caught his interest,

Link: Long have I quested for the legendary Shadow Milf.

>>stimulating the hormones that dwelled within him.

Zelda: And then he nearly died from hyperthyroidism.

>>Not that had had been aware of this, but he had thought of the Sheikah woman as beautiful,

Rauru: ...How could he not be aware of the fact that he thought she was beautiful?

>>and to this day the memory of her still had the same impact.

DED: None, apparently.

>>´Please let her be alright,´ he prayed.

Link: Well I mean if I’m gonna ask for divine intervention, I’d kinda like her to be better than “alright,” I’m looking for excellence here.

>>´Please let Impa be safe!´

Zelda: “Please stop filling him with idiotic desires that constantly endanger himself and others, oh merciful Goddesses!”

Link: ...Impa is a she, not a he. I mean she’s not very femme but—

Zelda: —Oh, sorry, no, I just reflexively said my own daily prayer.

>>He carefully made his way forward, barely able to see further than his hand.

Rauru: What a bigot, being unable to see past his hand and understand the common humanity that we share.

Link: What are you even talking about?

Rauru: Why do you hate minorities so much?

>>So far there hadn't been any traps or monsters

DED: Is that because the story’s made no mention of the Lens of Truth, and so Link can’t see most of the shit in here that’s trying to kill him?

Link: Well, golly, that was the place with the huge invisible spinning blades in it, that’s gonna be a problem.

Zelda: No it isn’t, not at all. Get good, memorize the positions of everything, ISG, bomb-hover, use the Hookshot to clip out of bounds. For that matter you should have come here ages ago, to get the Hover Boots so you can slide along when you’re locked into your z-axis position—

Rauru: —Hey you...you really aren’t supposed to know about that stuff, we talked about this before...

Zelda: Oh so it’s okay if I use divine magic to banish people I don’t like to other dimensions, but not to use programming exploits to exit our dimension and re-enter it elsewhere?

DED: How did you find out about it, were you watching speedruns in a crystal ball?

Zelda: Well GEE maybe I got ENDOWED WITH GODLIKE WISDOM at some point oh that’s right I DID.

Rauru: Look just keep quiet! Or the metafictionverse will implode, or Nintendo will sue, or something!

Zelda: I know what I’m doing!

>>but the Hylian remained on his guard,

Link: “How’s it goin’, Gary? I’m quite comfortable here on your shoulders, but if I were you I’d watch out because the ground here is sometimes illusory death-pits. You’re doing a real good job guarding me, though!”

>>careful as to not draw attention to himself—

Rauru: —as he rolled forward continuously, yelling “Hyaaatt! Huuupp!” over and over, until he bonked into a big stone cube by mistake—

>>His breath was knocked out of his lungs as he fell to the ground.

DED: I mean his breath couldn’t be knocked out of his ears, that’s not where it comes out. That’d be silly.

>>A weight kept him down,

Rauru: Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down...

>>settling across his back. A Wallmaster? A giant Skulltula?

Link: A huge mutant dachshund? A sack full of gravel and rendered pork fat?

DED: Are you taking suggestions, story? I bet whatever we come up with will be better than what’s about to happen.

Rauru: What if it was me? That’d be better!

>>Whatever it was that had attacked him it pinned him down as something sharp pressed against his neck—

Link: —My necktie. It looks hella sharp.

Zelda: Who are you trying to kid? The day you successfully tie a necktie around your own neck and look even remotely sharp in it is the day I will abdicate the throne and take a vow of chastity.

Link: Chest-titty? Yeah, go for it, sounds good.

>>"Who dares to enter this place?!" Wait, that voice…?

DED: Is it...trying to...ask something? To communicate some kind of message...?

>>"This is forbidden for anyone not of the Sheikah tribe! Wait…"

Rauru: “...Sorry, no it isn’t, I was reading the wrong thing. You’re fine, go ahead in there and get killed.”

>>Hands roamed across his head and upper back.

Link: Sexayyyyyy.

>>"Link, my lad! Is that you?!"

Zelda: Oooor someone like him.

>>His suspicions had proved correct.

DED: He was, in fact, a male named Link. This person called him that, and seemed to recognize him...

>>"I-Impa!"

Rauru: “Fancy meeting—I mean um, I’m here to rescue—do you want to go out for lunch sometime and maybe—meet my needs please?”

>>"What are you doing here, lad?!"

Link: “...mostly being crushed by you?”

>>The woman got up and helped the Hylian back to his feet.

Zelda: “Here, sorry, let me help you put these back on. I mean I meant to ‘knock you off your feet’ but the damn things popped cleeeeean off.”

>>"It's been years since I last saw you!

Rauru: A few precious, peaceful years...

>>You've grown."

Zelda: “Not in terms of emotional maturity or anything like that, but hey let’s see the penor.”

>>She dusted him off.

DED: “Sorry I got you so dusty, I’m covered in dust myself. Been hiding up there clinging to the ceiling for quite a while, you see.”

>>"But you still have a long way to go –

Link: Sure, I’ve grown, but someday I’ll grow to my full height of twenty-eight feet.

>>if I had been an enemy, you would have been dead by now."

Rauru: “...Or down one heart, and maybe knocked back a little bit.”

DED: “I mean really you should be dead many times over by now, but this definitely would have been it.”

>>Link's words refused to leave his mouth.

Zelda: Hallelujah!

>>He gawked, taken aback by the Sheikah woman's beauty;

Link: “You have a really nice pair of...nose...and um...what I mean is I respect you, because I respect women, and—can we make the sex now?”

>>with her hourglass-form,

Rauru: Oh I get it, she’s the Sage of Time.

Zelda: Wouldn’t that be...me?

Rauru: No, you’re just the Seventh Sage, the special secret one.

Zelda: Not a Sage of anything? That’s lame.

Rauru: No no, not lame, special! Look, it’s not like you don’t have enough titles.

>>the older woman was curvy with thick legs, toned arms, likely from her intense warrior-training.

Link: Why would training warriors make you buff? The warriors themselves, they’re the ones doing hard work...

>>Her hips were well-pronounced

DED: Clearly enunciated, the P and S crisp, vowel sound given plenty of air...

>>and her bust was large

Zelda: ...But was it “in charge?”

>>– it certainly earned most of Link's attention span

Rauru: Wow, that’s actually quite something; Link’s got a bit of the ol’ ADD after all.

Link: Well yeah, I love boobies, I mean the things on ladies not the bird, though I do like the bird too, this one time I saw a bird and it was flying right past a cloud that looked like a banana, do you like bananas? I was always suspicious that they were secretly...

>>as he ogled the valley between Impa's breasts.

DED: Like a horny environmental systems analyst researching watershed patterns to create an impact statement for a proposed new shopping mall.

>>And her rear was…

Rauru: ...rearward.

>>well, thanks to a sudden spike in his hormones, the Hylian could only bite his lower lip

Zelda: ...and die.

>>from the quick glance he got of it.

DED: As she stood there doing that idiotic, impossible comic book pose where you somehow display both ass and titties at the same time by twisting your spine in an inhuman fashion.

>>It was big, but not too big.

Link: Yeah baby, shake that reasonably-sized ass.

>>And the way her Sheikah attire hugged all the curves

Rauru: Everywhere, forever.

>>like a second, form-fitting skin

Link: “Oh no, these Stalfos are formidable foes. I have to remember my training...”

Zelda: “*Feels like I’m wearing nothing at all! ...nothing at all! ...nothing at all!*”

Link: “...Stupid sexy Impa!”

>>drove him mad with lust.

Rauru: Mad, MAD I tell you!

DED: Figures that what drives him mad in the depths of the Shadow Temple isn’t the presence of unspeakable abominations and evils more ancient than Man, but Impa in spandex.

>>All in all, Impa was a sexy beauty –

Rauru: Oh, okay. I hadn’t quite made up my mind yet.

>>as a child, he had found the older woman beautiful,

Link: Oh that’s right, I had a formative sexual experience as a child when a mature, slightly butch lady appeared before me in a metal bra and taught me a magic song. That explains all my fetishes!

>>but now that he was an adult, Link truly came to appreciate her sex appeal in many ways.

Zelda: Oh yeah, his appreciation of the female form is full of nuance and maturity.

>>One of which was his manhood throbbing against his underwear.

Rauru: How is his manhood an aspect of her sex appeal?

Link: Well duh, my induced boner is the sexiest part of any woman. Now that’s not a failing on her part, of course, it’s just, no mortal could compete.

>>"—still, I'm glad that you've arrived, Link."

DED: “Somebody’s got to be the one to bumble into the tripwires and pressure plates...”

>>He blinked, snapping back to reality. "Huh?"

Zelda: Sounds like he’s fully snapped back to reality, all right.

>>"Your timing is utmost perfect," she stated,

Rauru: Forsooth, for there were monsters fearful strong that smote me sore.

>>staring into the darkness of the corridor ahead.

Zelda: “Hello, darkness, my old friend! Your timing is utmost perfect again!”

>>"Further ahead is a room

Link: GAAAAAAASP!

>>I've yet to find a way leading into the interior of the Temple.

DED: “...‘Course I’ve yet to really look...”

>>My compliments to whoever built this place, but I'm ashamed to admit that I am at a loss.

Rauru: Wow, it can stump even Impa, legendary for her...room-traversing...prowess?

>>But perhaps you can help?"

Zelda: Ahahahahahahahaha.

>>"I will do all I can within my power,"

Link: “Sadly, my power is the ability to balance large numbers of jelly beans on the surface of my face...but damn it, I’ve got to DO something!”

>>he replied, and he meant it. He had conquered a few temples before this; there was always a way.

DED: Where there’s a will, and an official Nintendo Power strategy guide...

>>The Sheikah smiled at him, albeit only slightly, and patted his shoulder.

Rauru: “Haha, adorable. It’s like you really believe you’re competent.”

>>"That's what I like to hear, lad. Let us move then, immediately."

Zelda: “...To the bar down the street. It’s five o’clock somewhere.”

DED: Stop projecting.

>>And as Impa lead the way, Link could not tear his eyes away from swaying hips and a full, supple rear

Link: Among the many upsides of making her take point here in this trap-filled hellscape.

>>that begged to be touched,

Rauru: I hate it when people’s body parts are all clingy and beg you for stuff.

>>firm and round to the point that it was as if Hylia herself had sculpted this masterpiece of a woman.

Zelda: She must have been in a “butch goth lesbian” kinda mood that day.

DED: Divinity is mysterious.

>>´Her rear is…quite round and…big…´

Link: I like, big, BUTTS and I cannot lie! You undead brothers can’t deny! When a girl walks in to this Shadow Temple place with a round thing in your face, you get...KILLED, by a guillotine, and you notice dat butt was MEAN! With the Sheikah spanx she’s wearin’, I’m hooked and I can’t stop starin’...

>>His eyes widened as he immediately chastised himself, but he couldn't look away.

Rauru: Oh, that shouldn’t be a problem, ‘s not like he’s in a dangerous area or anything.

>>Refusing to give in to hormones and offend her,

DED: “Hey Link, hey! Hey! Tell her Hitler did nothing wrong! Tell her she’s got a nose like a hatchet! Hey!”

>>Link could only silently admire her ass and legs for the rest of the walk.

Zelda: Man I wouldn’t even mind if Link ogled women’s asses all the time, silently. Sadly, he—

Link: ...cuz I’m LONG, and I’m STRONG, and I’m ‘bout to get the friction on! So, Stalfos! (Yeah!) Stalfos! (Yeah!) If that Sheikah got the butt, (HELL yeah!) th—

Zelda: STOOOOOOP

>>´…Those are some really nice looking legs…´

Rauru: “Wonder whose they are...oh and there are some more limbs over there...I think that’s a chunk of spine...MAN this place is hardcore!”

>>Meanwhile, the attendant glanced over her shoulder every other second,

DED: Once every two seconds, huh? I mean...I guess in this horrible place it’s a good idea to devote 50% of your time to watching your back, even if Link is back there guarding it.

Zelda: Especially.

Rauru: This looking-backwards thing is inefficient, though. She should just twirl around and around as she walks forward.

DED: ...and always twirling, TWIRLING towards freedom!

>>noting the Hylian's fixed gaze with an unimpressive curiosity.

Link: Do they mean...uh...

DED: Well hey, points for honesty.

Zelda: Yeah, I mean, I’m certainly not impressed...

>>It wasn't as much as the fact that he was staring;

Rauru: It was the staring combined with the pinching and groping and the lame excuse of “a ghost popped out of the wall.”

Link: Hey that is a completely believable excuse in this hellhole.

>>she simply couldn't imagine or understand why he was gawking at her.

DED: ...

Zelda: ...Hey, WE didn’t say anything.

>>It wasn't lost on Impa that she had a certain figure. Men and woman alike,

Rauru: Men, and that one lesbian. Hey, we accept her sexuality and all, but there is only literally one of her.

>>in her Tribe and around the castle,

DED: ...Mountains come out of the sky, and they STAND THEEEEEEEERE!

>>had always given her a second look as she strode by

Link: “What is THAT?!”

>>but she had brushed it off as nothing.

Zelda: Good, because it is.

>>Even the young princess had complimented her looks but Impa hadn't taken the compliments seriously.

Rauru: Well, to be fair, little girls also regularly proclaim that their souls live in a tree and they own invisible pet unicorns and are friends with a skeleton who lives under the wood pile, and so forth. It’s probably just a phase.

DED: Kids say the darndest things.

Zelda: Yeah, I went through that weird-morbid-ten-year-old-girl phase, except the shit I said was actual prophecy, because I’m amazing.

>>What mattered to her was her own training,

Link: Hey yeah I wasn’t going to say anything, but she’s in danger of getting cut from the squad, she’d better shape up.

>>her duty to protect princess Zelda, and training the guards.

Zelda: And what a job she does of it.

>>Nothing else.

Rauru: And BOY does it show.

>>Although the soldiers always seemed nervous around her…

DED: They’re still waiting for the other shoe to drop from letting Link sneak into the castle in the first place.

Zelda: Oh, yeah, firing them for that would be too quick and easy. I instructed Impa to tell them they’d be punished for their failure, maybe today, maybe tomorrow, when they least expect it, so they can live in mild constant terror until I get bored stringing it along.

Link: But...I had to sneak in, the fate of the world—you had dreams about it, you wanted me to show up!

Zelda: So?

>>though that was likely because they were intimidated by the stoic Sheikah – her people did have a shady, enigmatic past after all.

Rauru: Infamous for spycraft and assassination and pirating cable and stealing office supplies from work.

>>But if Link was staring at her body like this…could it have been…?

Zelda: Is the legendary Hero of Time nothing more than a horny teenage idiot? THAT’S not good news.

>>No. What a ridiculous notion –

DED: —woodchucks wearing sweatpants—

>>best to dispel that thought as quickly as possible.

Link: Likewise, it’d be best to dispel this thot as quickly as possible, but I’m afraid we’re stuck reading about her.

DED: Haha, deece.

>>x.x.x

"This is where I've been stuck."

Rauru: I thought they said her butt was big, but not too big.

>>They had arrived at what looked like the central room with what appeared to be a dead-end;

Zelda: Why the awkward phrasing, are you implying that there might be, what, illusions in the Shadow Temple? Piffle.

>>walls to the left and a door to the right

Link: ...Here I am, stuck in the Temple with yooooou!

>>that was separated by a black, bottomless pit.

Rauru: What? A black-bottomless pit? But I LOVE black-bottom pie!

DED: That...isn’t a very meaningful statement, coming from you. Is there a food you DON’T love?

Rauru: Well, no! I have a deep and universal love for all foodkind. I’m basically like Jesus.

DED: So there you go, you saying you “love” a certain food item is like me saying I “love” breathable air. Meaningless.

Rauru (folding a black-bottom pie in half so it more easily fits in his mouth): Noted.

>>"I must say, I have a lot of respect to those who built this place," she commented, seemingly pleased.

Zelda: Yeah yeah, fawning all over Nintendo...

Rauru: “...I mean, how do you build a bottomless pit?”

>>"But at the same time, it irks me."

Link: It would be a real shame if she, say, turned out to be the Sage of Shadow.

DED: Yeah, well, most people find plenty of things in their workplace irksome.

>>Link nodded and peered around. There had to be something to this;

Zelda: The weird thing is that Link’s brain is the size of a peanut and he’s confounded by things like child-proof pill bottles and safety pins, but he’s prodigally brilliant at solving dungeons, and if he wasn’t we’d all be screwed.

Link: Well GOSH, it’s almost like I’m good at my JOB, and not just pointlessly smart about EVERYTHING.

Zelda: My job is to be smart about everything.

Link: And who died and made YOU in charge of knowing stuff?

Zelda: ...The Triforce.

>>whoever designed this place must've had something to ensure at least they could navigate through the temple—

Rauru: ...A rope bridge? A big long plank of wood?

>>It suddenly clicked in his mind.

Link: ...Opossums are just compact weasels!

>>As a child – not so long ago for him as for everyone else –

Zelda: PFFFFfffpftfpffpf, YEP

>>he had paid a visit to the bottom of the Well,

DED: Um, sure, as anyone with a knack for understatement will tell you, he paid it a friendly ol’ visit.

>>faced its horrors that to this day still gave him nightmares,

Rauru: Both the Shadow Temple and the Bottom of the Well take credit for pioneering “Kakariko-style” horror, and bitter accusations of theft continue to fly. In particular, both these stygian netherworlds take credit for the 1998 hit “Dead Hand,” and near-identical versions of this classic horror appear in both. However, though they have some similarities that betray their roots in the gothic style, they have developed their own unique abominablenesses over the years that leaves plenty of room to appreciate both. Coming up after the break on VH1’s Behind the Horror—

Zelda: —Don’t even start!

Link: What, like you should never have started your baking career? HYOOO!

>>and retrieved a forgotten relic left behind by someone…

DED: Oh, so he does have the Lens of Truth! He just waltzed through the illusory walls on the way in without bothering with it.

Rauru: Yeah but to be fair, so did Impa, apparently.

Link: I mean illusory walls sound like a good premise for dungeon design, until you come across a true adventurer who whacks every wall he comes across to listen for the weird noise they make that indicates you can bomb them and there’s treasure behind.

Zelda: I get that, but would you please stop whacking the walls of my castle? You KNOW there isn’t treasure behind them!

Link: Okay okay, one, thanks for using EVERY opportunity to throw shade, and two, bullSHIT, there is TOTALLY treasure behind them! There’s treasure everywhere, it’s spilling out all over the fucking place!

Zelda: ...Alright, yeah, there usually is, but COME ON!

>>He had his suspicions but put them aside for later

Rauru: I bet Impa is secretly on the side of the skeletons! I bet she's hiding a skeleton inside her right now!

>>as he dug through his pouch until he found what he was looking for.

Link: “Excuse me while I whip this out...”

>>"Perhaps," Link began. Impa turned to him. "This will assist us?"

DED: ...what’s THIS? A little legerdemain and a legendary lens to help lusty Link and the lovely lady?

>>Her eyes flashed for a moment,

Zelda: Well, she's either charging up an attack, or she's vulnerable for that moment and you're supposed to shoot them. Choose wisely.

>>her expression unreadable as she eyed the lens for a few moments before speaking.

Rauru: “That's a McDonald’s Happy Meal toy, you dope!”

>>"Where did you…?

Link: Well, first I learned a magic song, from the future, that I had already played in the past, thus forwarding the knowledge to my future self in a closed time loop. Then I went back in time to complete the loop, and played the song, and it made a windmill speed up, which drained the town well for some reason. Then...

>>>>No. It does not matter.

DED: ...Buuuuut we had to read a synopsis of it anyway, about a paragraph ago.

>>I should accept the luck we're having so far.

Link: “I mean, I accept that I soon will get lucky, right?”

>>Use the lens, lad; peer through it and uncover the way forward."

Rauru: “There you go, that’s the ticket! Hey what’s wrong? Huh, blood is leaking out of your every facial orifice. Why are you shaking so much? Guess maybe there were some things from the beyond you...probably shouldn’t look at. OOPS!”

>>The Hylian nodded and did as he was told.

Link: Hey I resemble that remark!

Zelda: Do you still have these delusions of agency?

Link: But—

Zelda: O Hero foretold in prophecy, I charge thee with the sacred task of collecting the Eight Mighty Dongles from the eight Loci of Vexing Unpleasantness, lest Ganondorf unleash the Farts of Devastation once more.

Link: YES MA’AM! I...wait, shit, you fooled me again!

>>Through a faint red sheen the illusions that had been placed were dispelled and ledges – clear as day – appeared between them and the door.

DED: Floating above the bottomless pit held aloft by nothing, granted, but look, shit be eldritch all over the place here.

>>He pointed towards them. "There are platforms right in front of us. We can reach the door over there."

Link: “Also a bunch of screaming skinless wraiths from beyond the veil of time that want me to plunge into their mad abyss, but they’re proooobably no big deal.”

>>A snort. "That simple, huh?"

Rauru: Well I mean it’s a magically invisible platform, that’s got to be a LITTLE more complicated than most obstacles she’s encountered...

>>The Sheikah immediately jumped right ahead,

Link: “Wait you BELIEVED me? I was just...Shit.”

>>not even fazed as she landed on seemingly thin air

Zelda: But in reality the air was morbidly obese.

Rauru (whole head inside a popcorn machine, eating it as fast as it pops): More Thadow Temple twikery! *CHOMP MONCH*

>>and them jumped again to reach the door with expert ease. Her movements were graceful, Link noted, clearly impressed as he hopped after her.

DED: And obviously HE’s going to have the exact same grace and agility and follow right in her footsteps.

>>Not to mention that the way her rear jiggled with each jump was…a welcomed sight.

Link: “Welcome, sight of a jiggling rear!”

Zelda: “...What?!”

Link: “Oh um I...I said uh...‘Welcome...spite...of a...niggling...ear...?’”

Zelda: “Oh. Well I have been troubled by a nagging earache for a while now...”

>>x.x.x

The corridor reeked of copper and earth to the point that it burned the duo's nostrils

Rauru: And stopped there.

>>yet Impa didn't seem bothered.

DED: Not to be rude but I wonder if that fact is...reflected in the state of her...hygiene.

>>Eerie echoes of a bloody history lingered in this temple to this day

Rauru: ...and these beloved horrors are still—

Zelda: —DROP IT!

Link: —you baked a lousy cake HYOOO!

>>that sent chills down Link's spine as he pressed onward, following the Sheikah's lead.

DED: Just wait until some, like, actual threats show up.

>>They made their way in complete, uncomfortable silence.

Zelda: I’ll take it!

Link: ...

Zelda: ...Link?

Link: ...?

Zelda: Link are you okay? What’s wrong?

Link: .

Zelda: You...you’re being quiet...this is...

DED: This is what you always wanted, right?

Link: !

Zelda: No no no this is a DISASTER, he’s been cursed, he’s in a coma—

Rauru: Well THIS is ironic.

Link: ...

Zelda: WHAT IS HAPPENING?! Link is broken and the future of Hyrule is screwed! You guys don’t even—

Link: —AAAAAH, I really had you going! Ha! So where was I? Oh yes! So that banana betrayed me and ever since I’ve never been able to trust them, and also I’ve never been able to understand why the teakettle starts whistling wheEEAEAAAKKKKKKAKKKK...

Zelda (strangling him): WHY CAN’T YOU AT LEAST MAKE NOISE THAT’S WORTH A DAMN YOU WRETCHED TROGLODYTE?!?

>>One would hear a pin drop if it wasn't for the

DED: ...fact that no one had dropped a pin...

>>contaminated water dripping from the ceiling onto the cold tiles

Rauru: Y’know what’s the real ancient monstrous undying eldritch evil here? The MILDEW!

>>or the faint groaning that came from…well, Goddesses know where.

Zelda: [SPOILER ALERT ONLY READ IF YOU ARE A GODDESS] ...It was Link, complaining.

>>So with little sound even existing in this temple, Link was startled when a sudden, audible ´click´ caught his attention

DED: Startled that it caught his attention, as he daydreamed about—

Link: ...like the teakettle is angry or something, so I don’t want to keep hurting it and I’m afraid it’ll take revenge someday. Truly it is madness and hubris to have subjugated the proud and noble teakettle race and I for one...

>>as his left foot sunk down farther than expected—

Rauru: Swing loooow, Link’s smelllly fooooot, comin’ for to get us all kiiiiiilllllled...

>>"GET BEHIND ME!"

Zelda: “Oh, sorry, not you, I was talking to Satan over there.”

>>"Wha—"

Link: “...You mean more behind you than I already am, or...?”

>>The Hylian was knocked into the wall,

DED: All in all, he’s just a...nother Link in the wall.

Zelda: Dude, could you at least like reference Wonderwall or something occasionally? Like, a song NOT fifty years old?

DED: Are you seriously asking me to reference Wonderwall more often?

Zelda: ...No, you’re right, I take it back.

DED: I don't believe that anybody wants me to do that, about my jokes...

>>the Sheikah pressing her back up against him as a scythe swung by mere inches from where he had stood,

Rauru: Thank goodness, otherwise it would have...missed...him...anyway...?

>>swinging still with razor-sharp edges that could slice the air itself.

DED: That’s, um...that’s really not that impressive...

Link: WHOA, Dave, watch where you’re gesturing there! Your hands are sharp enough to slice the air itself!

>>Impa kept pressing up against him, keeping Link back as she eyed the trap that continued to swing from side to side.

Zelda: “Hmm...missed opportunity...just reflexively saved him, like a chump...”

>>Meanwhile, the Chosen Hero's heartrate went up, blood rushing to his head – and smaller head –

Rauru: – and ding-dong –

>>as the Sheikah's firm rear pressed up against his pelvis,

Link: ...shattering it.

>>specifically his semi-erect phallus that struggled to reach full mast in tight confines.

DED: Among its many defects.

Link: Hey!

>>But by the Goddesses did it feel good.

Rauru: Why are you asking me?

>>When the scythe finally stopped swinging,

Zelda: I gotta say, what exactly is the point of the prolonged swinging? Like, it will either kill you in one swing, or knock you out of its way, or you’re indestructible anyway, or you just duck and crawl.

>>Impa stepped forward and Link – both thankful and dismayed –

Link: The sweet release of death...I was so close...

>>followed suite

DED: ACKshully...

>>until they reached a small, seemingly-harmless chamber when the older woman turned to him with a scowl.

Rauru: AHHH! IT WASN’T HARMLESS AT ALL!

>>"You alright, lad?" she asked, but her annoyance was poorly masked.

Zelda: Link nearly dies because he’s an idiot, a hot girl saves him, gets irrepressibly annoyed by his incompetence...been there, done that.

>>Link merely nodded and Impa, satisfied, reciprocated the gesture and continued.

Link: Continued what, asking if I was alright?

DED: “Are you SURE you’re alright? What sort of hermeneutic are you using to assess your wellness? I mean let’s define ‘alright.’ One could argue that...”

>>Or at least she did for a short while before she ceased to a halt.

Rauru: ...“Ceased to a halt.”

Zelda: “Ceased to a halt.”

>>"Actually…No."

DED: “I changed my mind, go back and step on that pressure plate again, I want to see what that trap would do to you.”

>>She shook her head and turned to face the Hylian.

Link: Oh, so it’s a fight you want?!

>>"You're flustered, Link. I can't ignore this.

Zelda: “Normally you have such laserlike focus...”

>>Did something happen?"

Link: “YEAH I nearly got KILLED BY A WALL SCYTHE, cut me some damn slack.”

>>Link didn't meet her gaze.

Rauru: How many gays does she have to introduce?

DED: Impa as fag-hag? Plausible...

>>Thinking that he needed a moment, Impa chose to not further question him right away

Zelda: Yeah, good luck getting coherent answers out of him whenever you try...

>>but when the seconds turned into minutes,

DED: ...everything moved really slow!

>>the mature woman crossed her arms. "Lad, tell me. What's wrong?

Link: “Oh, nipple...I mean NOTHING, it’s nothing, I’m just having a hard cock—TIME...”

>>You've been acting strange this whole time."

Rauru: Compared to the behavior she has come to expect from him based on her extensive interactions with him, like when she monologued at him for two minutes when he was a child, and...that’s literally it, up until “this whole time” began.

>>"I'm alright," he quickly, unconvincingly responded,

Zelda: Well, if nothing else, this story offers a believable portrayal of Link. Horny and stupid, and bad at lying abou—HEY! Did you just cop a feel?!

Link: No! It was...gnomes...?

Zelda: Oh. Yeah. Sure. Those pesky gnomes.

Link: YES, she bought it! Link, you’re a genius!

>>still refusing to look her in the eyes.

Rauru: Well YEAH, THOSE aren’t the sexy bits...

DED: Guys like to say “oh, you have beautiful eyes,” but they rarely mean it in the same sense as they would say “oh, you have beautiful tits.”

>>"There's just…a lot on my mind.

Rauru: “On” his mind, not anywhere in or near it.

>>Don't worry about it."

Zelda: Oh, how I wish that I could.

>>"Link—"

Link: ...a name, I call myself...

>>"Impa, I'm alright—

Rauru: —I’m okay, you can look the other way...

DED: —now, in fact it's a gas!

Zelda: —don't nobody worry ‘bout me!

>>"Get down!"

DED: “Get FUNKY now!”

>>It all happened lightning fast;

Rauru: If only that were actually true...

>>the Sheikah tackled Link to the ground (her breasts smothering his face and her body pressing up against his)

Link: And my bones breaking like twigs...

>>as a loud, heavy ´thud´ filled the room, echoing off the walls.

Zelda: Wow, thrilling, tell us more.

>>The weight suddenly vanished

DED: Thanks to this one weird trick doctors hate!

>>and he was free to look up, only to see

Link: ...a boring, grody ceiling.

>>the object of his affections fight off a Floormaster with expertise,

Rauru: Ooh, a Floormaster with expertise, that’ll be an extra challenge for sure.

>>yet Link could only watch in awe;

Zelda: Well that’s not strictly true; I mean we’ve seen extensively so far that he can also watch in lust.

>>the way Impa fought and moved without breaking a sweat,

Rauru: ...Is there something wrong with her? Sweat is important, she’s gonna die if she can’t sweat!

DED: Rauru, you break into a sweat in the process of lifting food to your mouth.

Rauru (struggling to handle a gigantic cheesesteak sub): So I’m a sweat expert!

>>wounding the monster even while parrying its attacks, and the way certain parts of her body jiggled with every motion

Link: ...Well, Rauru? This is also a subject you have a lot of personal experience with...

Rauru: *Raises one eyebrow, causing his forehead-flab to jiggle* I don’t know what you’re talking about.

>>had him impressed, entranced…and more than a little aroused.

Zelda: Have we established that yet?

>>Which was why, when the Sheikah dealt the killing blow that sent the monster twitching on the floor before bursting into flames

DED: ...IMPA burst into flames?

>>and she turned to him, guilt settled in his stomach and even more so when red eyes glared at him.

Rauru: Now THIS, I’ve never personally experienced. I’ve never felt guilty about what settles in my stomach, no matter HOW many people are staring.

>>"What are you thinking, just standing around like that?"

Link: I was standing there pausing to LET YOU HARANGUE ME, you vapid cunt!

>>Her tone was icy and harsh. "You are a warrior; you should start acting like one!

Zelda: “Or at least acting like SOMEONE. Look just start acting, what the hell are we paying you for?”

>>If I hadn't intervened, you'd be injured! Dead, even!

DED: “And that would really inconvenience me! I’ve GOT other stuff to do today you know!”

>>So why in the name of Hylia do you just stand there like an airhead who's got their head stuck in the clouds?!"

Link: Look, I know from experience that when women are lecturing you testily, they get even MORE angry if you just continue going about your day purposefully instead of standing there listening and nodding and looking ashamed.

Zelda: ...And ABSORBING AND HEEDING THEIR CRITICISM.

Link: Nah, that doesn’t really enter into it.

>>Her anger was understandable. Still…

Rauru: ...Who cares what Impa thinks?

>>"It's not my fault…"

Link: You...you TITTY-MONSTER!

>>he managed to say, though in hindsight it wasn't particularly smart.

DED: In hindsight, in foresight, in insight, in website...Link has trouble with “particularly smart.”

>>The older woman eyed him, curious.

Zelda: “Oh, sure, THIS oughta be good.”

>>"And what is that supposed to mean?" She sighed, rubbing her temples.

Link: Her...SHADOW temples?

>>"You know, I noticed how distracted you've been ever since found each other here."

Rauru: So you would say you were...distracted by how distracted he was?

>>Link shifted his weight from one foot to the other, nervous.

Link: Or maybe I need a poo.

>>"I get it," Impa then continued.

DED: “ASMR. Does it work for you?”

>>"You've been acting differently because of me, right? Because you've heard of my ancestry."

Zelda: Yeah, actually, she’s descended from a town in Zelda 2: Adventure of Link. The blood of buildings runs in her veins.

>>Her tone was accusing, biting, and it made the poor Hylian flinch.

Link: I do tend to flinch when I get bitten.

>>"What? No, that's not it!"

Rauru: “I’m not racist, but...”

>>"You know all about it, don't you? About our bloody history – our dark past."

DED: Uh...well if he DIDN’T, he does now...

>>"I don't, truly!"

Link: “I BARELY KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING, PLEASE!”

>>Red eyes flared up. "Liar!

Zelda: I gotta admit I feel sorry for Link here; I mean, it’s gonna be hard for him to prove a negative.

>>I can see it on your face; you're timid, nervous, and you fret with every step.

Rauru: How could she mistake “ogling” for “fretting?”

>>Why wouldn't you?

Link: ‘Cuz I’m not a little bitch?

>>This whole temple is—!" She caught herself, forcing herself to relax.

DED: *extremely relaxed voice* “—the most fucking cunting piss-ass miserable bullshit.”

>>"It's nothing but a buried testament to Sheikah's mistakes;

Rauru: ...They built this entire temple full of deathtraps BY MISTAKE?

Link: I wish it was “nothing but” a buried testament, but sadly it does a lot more than just testify. Like, y’know, it does a good deal of killing and mangling me, too.

Zelda: But that is the testament.

>>our dark past, while long forgotten, have always remained in this place.

DED: As for me, my past have taught me how to spot improper grammar. Take THAT, Sheikah.

>>And you've heard all of it."

Rauru: But did any of it get stuck in his brain, THAT’S the question.

>>She eyed him, her expression grim. Her voice was as if she was…hurt?

Link: Her voice going *BEEBEEP! BEEBEEP!* to indicate she’s got 3 or fewer hearts left.

>>"You've heard all about it.

Zelda: “Now try it for real!”

>>That's why you're afraid of me."

DED: Or maybe it’s because you ambushed him in the darkness of this accursed temple and tackled him to the ground?

Rauru: Maybe it’s her fearsome metal bra.

>>Link was taken aback; where was all of this coming from?

Zelda: ...Her mouthparts.

>>Impa was going on an emotional tirade and he didn't know the first thing to say.

Rauru: The line in his head went “something the fuck up you crazy bitch,” but just couldn’t figure out what it was...

>>"Impa, that's not—"

Link: “—a very good name! Why don’t I call you ‘Titsy Bootychunk?’”

>>"We've learned from our past mistakes, you know!" she shouted.

Rauru: “We haven’t accidentally built any accursed temples in years!”

>>"It's hardly any different from you learning from your own mistakes!

Zelda: “Assuming you do, someday!”

>>I've worked hard,

Zelda: —she works hard!—

DED: —every day of my life, I work ‘til I ache in my bones! At the end—

The rest: —At the end of the day—

DED: —I take home my hollow pay, aaaaaaaaall on my own!

>>harder than anyone,

Link: ...Ah-HEMMMM?!?

>>to get where I am now;

Rauru: “...This random dungeon room!”

>>strict tutelage from my tribe's seniors,

DED: Oh, she was trained by geriatrics. Guess that explains why the castle guards SHE trained act like they’re nearly blind...

>>mental and physical training, all of it has led to where I am now!

Zelda: “I’m NOT going to massacre people and paint the walls of this temple with their blood anymore!”

Link: “Um...”

Zelda: “How DARE you even accuse me of still doing that! You want to get massacred or something?”

>>And finally, there are those who don't fear the Sheikah – people like the princess

DED: Nor do the wind, the sun, and the rain.

>>– and then there are you."

Rauru: We can be like they are!

DED: Hey, thanks for the assist!

>>She glared at him. "Do you not heed my words because you find me unworthy?"

Zelda: No, no, I’m telling you, he’s just...dumb. You’re overthinking this.

Link: Hey, I may be dumb, but overthinking is one mistake I’ll never make.

Rauru: Fair.

>>Where was all of this coming from?!

DED: You’re telling us!

>>The poor Hylian couldn't make heads or tails out of this

Zelda: Color me shocked.

>>and under the pressure, he finally snapped,

Link: Well if it wasn’t the skeletons or zombies or spectral monstrosities or guillotines or spike walls or spinning scythe statues or physics-defying bottomless pits and floating platforms, Impa herself was bound to shatter my sanity eventually.

>>"It's because you're beautiful!" he exclaimed,

Rauru: “THAT’s why I’m terrified of you!”

>>realizing too late what he had blurted out.

Zelda: ...Wow, this is an amazingly accurate portrayal of Link.

Link: Radishes give me gas! I mean what, it’s a what of who?

>>The woman opposite him eyed him with wide twin pools, mouth agape.

DED: Ah yes, “agape,” the Christian term for universal love, as that of a benevolent God. From the Greek, you see. “Ah-gah-pay.”

Rauru: Oh, so like I was saying earlier, I have “agape” for all foodkind. I literally have “mouth agape!”

Zelda: Wow, great! We all learned something about theology and morality here today.

Link: I bet I could beat a llama in a fair fight. I mean, yes, indeed we have! ...We have?

>>"You think I'm…what?" she repeated.

Zelda: “Even I don’t buy it, you damn shirker!”

>>Link merely stared back with great effort,

DED: Eyeballs bulging clean out of his skull.

>>the words not coming to him.

Rauru: Just loads of different, stupider words.

Link: ...washing machines for that matter, I can’t ignore their cries for help...

>>Impa didn't seem to appreciate the silence, opting to speak up—

Zelda: “Up.”

>>A large shadow suddenly appeared above them, covering the entire room.

Rauru: ...Why’d she feel the need to speak up and say that?

>>The darkness took shape,

DED: But it already has a shape. Room-shaped.

>>sprouting one massive finger

Link: Hey, is that evil shadow flippin’ me off?!

>>after another until an entire hand was formed, grabbing the Sheikah woman with ease.

Zelda: With ease? Guess she wasn’t such an impressive warrior after all.

>>She screamed and struggled, fighting against the tight grip

DED: But is this monstrosity capable of both gripping and sipping?

>>to no avail as the hand pulled back into the darkness it had come from—

Rauru: Of course, it’s pretty dark everywhere, but then again, it doesn’t really matter.

>>"L-Link!"

Zelda: “Stop staring at my buuuuuuuutt...”

>>"IMPA!" he shouted back,

Link: “How could you ditch me like this after I confessed my feelings?! UGH!”

>>fear gripping his heart when Impa was pulled beyond the shadows that dispersed shortly after, leaving the Hylian alone.

DED: Welp, that’s ONE way to end this awkward conversation.

>>He fell to his knees, shaking.

Link: ...My groove thang?

>>Fear reared its ugly head and was accompanied by Anger

DED: Oh man this is just like that other Story that capitalized random Words like a Georgian Diarist explaining how the House of Lords was most querulous in regard to the Tariffs recently Endow’d, &c.

Rauru: Yes, but stop enjoying it!

>>as the Hylian clenched his fists; anger directed at both the monster and himself,

Zelda: Good, he could do with some self-loathing.

>>and fear of what could happen to Impa if—

DED: —causality exists...?

>>No. This wasn't the time for self-pity or frustration.

Link: It’s Miller time.

>>The beast was close.

Rauru: Or maybe it wasn’t...

>>Link got up and headed its way.

Link: I got a map and a compass, I know where the boss is.

DED: And how precisely do you use a map and a compass to detect the location of large dangerous creatures?

Link: With the Start menu again. It’s a big skull icon. Or do you too wish to apply real-world logic to my video-game existence...bitch?

DED: Whoa, geez, touchy.

>>x.x.x

It was time.

Zelda: For the fucking? Yes, absolutely.

>>Down the hole was the monster waiting,

Rauru: Oh, wait, did the fucking already begin?

>>and Link wasted no time.

Zelda: Ah hahahahaha, IT IS TO LAUGH.

>>He had been a one-track mind this whole time,

DED: Sometimes even fewer.

>>working his way through the rest of the temple since Impa's kidnapping.

Link: GOSH, how did I not get slashed to death by scythe traps and killed by Floormasters without her help?

>>With a huff, he jumped down.

Rauru: Here we go again...

>>At first it had seemed like a horrible idea to fall several metres but the landed did nothing to his legs.

Zelda: Which is fortunate, since of course he did the horrible idea without a second thought.

>>Instead he found himself landing on what appeared to be a drum;

Link: As I so often do.

>>he was launched into the air as the arena suddenly shook, producing a "bong" sound,

DED: ...A flick of a lighter and gurgling water?

>>the rhythm increasing as the monster appeared, Impa still in its clutches.

Rauru: Soooooo it was drumming with its hands WITH Impa in one? Yeah she’s suuuuuuper dead.

>>Link immediately drew his bow and fired at the hand holding the Sheikah;

Zelda: Aaaand he accidentally kills her even more dead.

>>the shadow beast roared and released the woman, hand twitching and flailing.

Link: Welp, now Impa’s tits and ass are visible again, robbing me of my senses, and I’m doomed. CURSE HER!

>>Impa landed roughly but managed to scamper off to the side,

DED: The fabled Sheikah Scamper in action.

>>watching in awe.

Zelda: ...as Link completely and categorically failed.

>>The Hylian lad was like a completely new man;

Rauru: ...A newborn baby?

Zelda: Agreed.

>>despite the size advantage the monster had, Link held his own,

DED: ...dick, in his hand...

>>quickly drawing his bow to fire precise shots and just as swiftly attacking with the Master Sword to wound the giant red eye.

Zelda: Don’t forget to jump-slash with ISG so it stores that damage value and inflicts it every frame.

Rauru: STOP!

>>He was a warrior,

DED: Just like Patty Smyth.

Link: Well I am shootin’ at the giant floating hands of heartache, bang bang.

>>and as it dawned on her, heat crept up over her cheeks.

Zelda: “He could have done THIS, the ENTIRE TIME?! I AM SO FUCKING FURIOUS!”

>>Lost in trance, the Sheikah barely noticed the beast disintegrating upon its death

Rauru: Oh, sure, that’s easily overlooked.

>>until Link's eyes met hers.

Link: “I did it I did it I did the masculinity, I win the sex prize from lady person!”

>>"Are you alright, Impa?!" he shouted, face completely twisted with worry.

DED: Spirals...this town is infected with spirals...

>>She managed a nod, still in shock of recent events.

Zelda: “He...he...competence...never in a million years would I have...”

>>"Yes…" she replied. She coughed, clearing her throat. "I am, Link. Thank you for…saving me."

Rauru: “Yes...*cough* I am, *cough cough* Link. Thank *COUGHCOUGHCOUGH* thank y*COUGHCOUGHGHAK*”

>>A sigh of relief escaped his lips as he helped her up. "Thank the Goddesses…"

Link: No, no, she was correct, thank me.

>>´Her hand…it's so soft…´

DED: “Ewww...”

>>"You've yet to tell me what you meant with your previous comment, lad."

Zelda: “‘You’re beautiful,’ what in the WORLD could it mean...?”

>>He froze, eyes widening. "Don't think I forgot."

Link: Don’t think? Noooo problem.

>>"…I guess the cat's out of the bag…"

Rauru: ...There are no cats in Ocarina of Time.

>>He was nervous. Shyly, he managed to meet her piercing, waiting gaze, his mouth suddenly very dry.

Link: Boss fighting is thirsty work. Who’s got a Gatorade for a guy?

>>“…You are…attractive, Impa."

DED: In that she seems to attract traps and monsters to the both of them.

Zelda: Yeah, no wonder he’s nervous around her, her presence has brought nothing but terror and danger.

>>A single eyebrow quirked.

Rauru: ...uh...

DED: RAISED. IT RAISED. YOU RAISE AN EYEBROW TO EXPRESS SURPRISE OR INTEREST OR SMUG SATISFACTION, OR ANY NUMBER OF EMOTIONS. BUT YOU...FUCKING...RAISE IT. USE YOUR WORDS.

>>"…´Attractive´? You find me beautiful?"

Zelda: “...Really? I mean um, of course you do.”

>>He nodded.

"Truly?"

Link: No, I didn’t mean it the previous three times I indicated it.

>>The Sheikah averted her stare. She had thought it to be a jape, a ruse,

DED: Chicanery! Tomfoolery! Skullduggery and shenanigans!

>>but there was no denying the sincerity in Link's eyes.

Rauru: The light, the heat, in youuurr eyes, I am complete...

>>He thought of her as beautiful – attractive – and he was a man.

Zelda: In most of the ways that matter.

>>He was a man who found her attractive and beautiful.

Link: YEAH WE GET IT...

>>She wasn't used to this type of attention, and it made her heart skip a happy little beat.

DED: A medical syndrome called Bob Ross Arrhythmia.

>>…Besides, Link wasn't too shabby himself,

Rauru: Only somewhat shabby.

Link: I don’t have a ton of time for clothing maintenance when I’m busy questing for the freedom of all humankind and stuff.

>>if she was being honest; the skills of a warrior he had just displayed had only fuelled his own attractiveness.

DED: Also if she’s being honest, she’s not getting any younger, she really ought to settle at this point...

>>She couldn't help but chuckle.

Zelda: “Ahahaha, you think you have a chance with...ahahahahahahahahaha...”

>>"I suppose I have to apologize

DED: “...I GUESS...”

>>for thinking you were belittling me.

Rauru: When in fact he was belargening her.

Link: Well, you would know.

>>I'm not used to being approached like this."

DED: Usually there’s a lot more wavedashing involved.

>>She eyed him, smirking slightly. "But could you care to elaborate

Link: Nope, sorry, not a chance.

>>just what it is about me that attract you?"

DED: Number one would be your impeccable grammar.

>>He turned red as a beetroot.

Rauru: And just as full of sugar!

>>He couldn't even look at her, poor thing.

Zelda: Who’s the poor thing, Impa? Link? Well, really, both of them...

>>"I-I-I…! I m-mean… I g-g-guess you have a…c-c-curvaceous body…"

DED: Why don’tcha all...f-f-f-fade away! Don’t try ta dig what we all s-s-say!

>>She laughed and gently knocked his noggin.

Link: Hey whoa! I just beat a boss, I might have been a quarter-heart away from death!

>>"I'm merely teasing you, lad.

Zelda: “Get used to it.”

>>Thank you for helping me back there."

Rauru: “...Eventually.”

>>He wiped his brow. "Don't worry about—"

Link: “—my brow, I just wiped it you see.”

>>She was right in front of him in an instant, breath lingering just above his face—

Zelda: How do you politely offer a breath mint to a shadow assassin...?

>>"You really don't know how to approach women," she whispered with a low chuckle.

DED: “You’ve GOT to work on your neutral game.”

>>"Close your eyes for me."

Rauru: “First rule of approaching women, close your eyes tightly. That way they can’t accuse you of staring.”

>>As he did, something soft claimed his lips

Link: GAH, MORE HELLISH SHADOW ABOMINATIONS! TO ARMS!

>>– gently caressing him – and a sudden glowing light enveloped them both.

DED: Now you see, grammatically, this is saying the light itself was “sudden,” which doesn’t really make sense. In fact, it was the envelopment that happened suddenly, and therefore the sentence should say “and suddenly a glowing light, etc.”

Zelda: Counterpoint: shut the fuck up.

>>x.x.x

When they opened their eyes again, the dark, empty room had been replaced

Rauru: Is this one of those surprise-home-makeover-while-you’re-out shows?

>>with the chill, rainy outdoors of the graveyard.

Link: Wow, what a marked improvement.

Zelda: Excellent choice for a make-out spot there, Impa.

Rauru: Well she is the Sage of Goth.

>>Link blushed furiously as they stepped back, taking in their surroundings.

Link: “Hey what the HELL?! I liked it down there, take me back!”

>>They were standing in front of the Royal Family's Tomb and the rain gradually drenched their clothes.

DED: Wouldn’t it have been both better AND easier to teleport them inside somewhere, where it WASN’T raining?

Rauru: Easier how?

DED: Isn’t it a rule of teleportation that if you appear in a rainstorm there’s a danger of the rain drops disrupting your flesh or whatever by occupying the same space?

Zelda: Yeah, that can happen, but it won’t kill you or anything. It just makes you really have to pee the instant you arrive.

DED: Ah.

>>Their attention quickly turned towards the glow itself that was emitting from Impa's chest;

Link: Teleportitties.

>>it waned, but its significance was not lost on the Sheikah.

Rauru: ...She has like nine kinds of cancer now.

>>"The Sage of Shadow, huh…?" she whispered to herself.

Zelda: “What a bummer.”

>>She smiled, shaking her head slightly. "My people have come a long way."

DED: “Except, I’m still here hanging around outside the temple my ancestors built...so my people haven’t come a very long way, like, geographically, but...”

>>She turned to Link to further elaborate,

Link: ...Why would I know anything more about her people?

>>but the young man was still blushing like mad

Rauru: Mad that she’s making him stand around in the rain here while she reminisces about her ancestors?

>>and she giggled (a surprise even to her) at the sight of his now confused expression.

Zelda: Oh sure, “now” confused.

Link: Huh?

Zelda: As in, I am sarcastically implying that you are confused all of the time, not just at this specific juncture.

Link: Wha?

Zelda: Your brain is full of dumb.

Link: Beg pardon?

>>"You're a brave warrior, lad, but sweet and innocent at the same time."

DED: “I hate that.”

>>"…Well, the way you handled the Floormaster…you're an excellent warrior yourself, Impa," he said, rubbing his neck sheepishly.

Rauru: Hoping she won’t see through his obviously fake and condescending compliment.

>>A soft laughter came as a response. "Oh my, aren't you just the sweetest?"

Link: “But I’m manly and stuff! I-I’m a fearsome warrior, and like, savior of the...world?”

Zelda: “You are just the CUTEST little hero there ever was! Let’s get you back to your stroller and then we can go get you a lollipop, okay?”

Link: “...okaaaaaaaaay...”

>>She closed the distance between them, kissing him again. He froze.

DED: Smooth, loverboy.

>>It was deeper, more passionate this time.. "…Will you accompany me back to my house, lad?"

Rauru: “Why, is that where you’re keeping the Shadow Medallion you’re supposed to be giving m—OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH.”

>>x.x.x

"Please, sit down on the bed, lad."

DED: “I still don’t get why, but okay nice lady!”

>>Impa's house was just as they both remembered it – Impa more so than Link –

Link: ...now why might that be...?

>>with ample space and Spartan-esque in style, with only the bare necessities.

Zelda: What a wretched, empty life she must lead.

DED: Whereas your life of frivolity and decadence and rampant materialism is so much more substantive.

Zelda: Hey, my life may be a hollow charade too, but at least there’s things to look at.

>>Link did as told and timidly sat down the edge of the bed.

Rauru: He...sat the edge down?

>>Impa stood a few feet away, eyeing him as she slowly worked with the back of her breastplate—

DED: Is that sexy-striptease slow, or like, I-can’t-work-the-clasp slow?

Zelda: ‘Swhat you get if you don’t clean and maintain your boob-armor.

>>His eyes suddenly widened.

Link: “...I never collected the Heart Container from the boss room! SON of a BITCH!”

>>The protective garb fell to the floor,

Rauru: *CLANGBANGCLATTERCLATTER* “Like what you see?”

Link: “WHAT?”

>>exposing ample, tan mounds that had his mouth dry in seconds;

DED: Mounds of...those desiccant packets they put in bags of beef jerky?

Rauru: Oh, those things that say “Do Not Eat”? I hate those!

Zelda: Look, you can’t hate inedible materials just for existing and not being food.

Rauru: Wait, you mean that’s a warning specifically about the packets? I always thought they were just judging my lifestyle.

DED: Oh, heaven forbid.

Rauru (stuffing handfuls of beef jerky into his mouth): Ah’m glafd we liff in a towwewant schoshiety. *GROMPF NURM*

>>tan and big, capped with pinkish little buds.

Link: ...But what about her nipples?

>>"Do not worry, Link.

Zelda: “These are boobies. Be not afraid.”

>>We will take it slow," she reassured.

DED: Oh definitely, I mean they’ve been dating for a whole five minutes and she’s only now finally putting out.

>>"…I decided to go all in.

Rauru: “On this queen-high straight.”

>>Life's too short for second guesses."

Link: Or even first guesses!

>>It dawned on him what she meant.

Zelda: Something about rapidity, and totality, and uncertainty, and going somewhere...

>>He felt the same, even if this was still moving too fast for him

DED: It’s too fast, and I’m 2 Furious.

>>but who was he to deny the object of his affections?

Link: Link! Hero of Time!

>>The Sheikah sauntered rover to him,

Rauru: Red Rover, Red Rover, let Impa come over!

>>gently pushing him back as she raised on leg to climb onto the bed,

Zelda: No you fool, everyone knows you don’t raise on leg after you go all in.

>>straddling the Hylian's waist as his gaze was firmly focused on her and her bare breasts.

Link: And women say I don’t pay enough attention to them!

>>Like any man, blood rushed to his now stiff phallus

DED: Wow, heteronormative. And asexual-exclusionary. And...whatever the word is for like...not-having-had-your-dong-amputated-centric.

Rauru: Good inclusivity there, well done.

>>that poked against her rear and it didn't go unnoticed.

Link: I tend to notice my boners, yes.

>>´Impressive, from the feel of it.´

Zelda: Are those Impa’s thoughts, or is Link just mentally congratulating himself on the quality of his erection?

>>Lips quirked with a pleased smile

DED: NNGGGAHHHH!

Zelda: Didn’t you say that prescriptivism in language is bad and that linguistic legitimacy arises organically from general discourse?

DED: Yeah but that doesn’t stop me from finding it FUCKING STUPID!

>>as she shifted her attention back to Link. "Could you take off your tunic for me, Link?"

Link: “I...I think I could...why, what do you know that I don’t? Did you put glue all over it when you tackled me earlier?”

>>The red on his cheeks was adorable

Rauru: Ah, the sauce-based difficulties of eating a calzone...

Zelda: Maybe you wouldn’t get sauce all over your cheeks if you, like, ate carefully and reductively, instead of just jamming your face right into the middle of the calzone and ravenously chomping.

Rauru (looking up from the middle of a calzone): Thash crashy talk. *SLORMP GROMPF NOM*

>>and he complied, although clearly nervous, and soon the garb was tossed aside—

DED: Just as Link himself will soon be.

Rauru: Are you saying Impa’s gonna love him and leave him?

DED: ...Are you saying she shouldn’t?

Rauru: Right, yeah.

Link: Hey, that’s bullshit! She has no idea how many unique ways I can enrich her life!

Zelda: *protracted sigh*

>>Impa greedily took in the sight

DED: Fuckin’ greedy piece of shit.

>>of a slim but warrior-built bare chest.

Rauru: If I were going to get someone to build something, it wouldn’t be a warrior, it’d be, like, a craftsman.

Link: Yeah, I wouldn’t go around bragging about my “chef-built bicycle.”

>>A few scars served as reminders of the dangers he had faced despite being healed.

Zelda: Aaaaaaand of the idiotic dangerous schemes he tried, and learned nothing from.

>>If she wasn't blushing before, she certainly was now.

Rauru: And if she wasn’t blushing then, she certainly will be later.

>>"Can you sit up?"

DED: I do believe it’s working...good. That’ll keep ya going for the show...c’mon it’s time to go...

>>When he nodded, she smiled. "Please."

Link: “Please who? How?”

Zelda: “No, no, I’m not ordering you to please me, I’m asking you, please.”

Link: “...Please what?”

Zelda: “...Please...sit up. That’s why I asked you, ‘Can you sit up.’”

Link: “Oh, OOOOOOOOOOOOHHH, now I get it. ...Wait, who am I pleasing again?”

>>Supporting himself,

Rauru: Working a second job, setting up a GoFundMe...sad, really.

>>Link managed to sit somewhat properly,

Zelda: Wow, impressive, somewhat properly.

DED: Is that even sarcasm?

Zelda: I haven’t decided yet.

>>barely an inch away from Impa's body when hands cupped his cheek and lips meeting his own.

Link: Could I ever get intimacy and satisfaction for my whole self, and not just individual parts considered separately?

Zelda: Nope, ‘fraid not. But I'll see if I can swing it for you to get hands touching your forearm and maybe a tender nibble on the earlobe.

Link: Aww MAAAAAN...

>>Boldly,

DED: Like the rest of the story text!

>>she slipped her tongue past his but he didn't respond.

Rauru: I too see no need to dignify that with a response.

>>Pulling back, chuckling, she whispered into his ear,

Link: ...all at the same time...?

>>"Don't be afraid. If it makes you feel better, I'll let you lead. I won't judge."

Zelda: “I might snort a bit with repressed laughter, but that's unrelated. Really.”

>>He stiffened

Rauru: ...I’LL say!

>>and didn't move. She patiently waited; poor lad was still nervous.

Link: I mean come on, be fair, it HAS been a pretty intense half-hour or so.

>>Finally, he asked, "You really won't judge?”

DED: Eh, at this point, the damage is done...

>>She smiled at him. "I won't."

Zelda: “...out loud.”

>>Instincts guided the Hero as he cupped and fondled malleable mounds, marvelled at their softness.

Rauru: Oh yeah, the fondling instinct, honed over millions of years of evolutionary history.

>>His mouth suddenly dry,

Zelda: Impa, get a humidifier, fix your shit.

DED: Or maybe it’s those desiccant packets again.

>>Link, with the help of Impa's hand at the back of his head,

Link: Why is HER HAND coming out of the back of MY HEAD?!

>>leant in close to take a nipple into his mouth, lips closing in around it and applied suction.

DED: Sure, that’s a lot simpler and more elegant than saying “sucked her nipple.”

>>The older woman above him purred contently

Rauru: ...As she shat outside her litter box for the fourth time this week.

>>and cradled his head, as if she was nursing him,

Zelda: Oh lawd, she doesn't know the half of it...

>>and the lewd nature of it only fuelled the fire between them.

Rauru: As did all the lighter fluid Link splashed irresponsibly around.

>>Link's tongue swirled around a pink bud before resuming sucking, his right hand playing with its twin to the Sheikah's delight.

DED: She’s delighted...that he has two right hands...?

>>"That's it…" she whispered as she "nursed" him.

Zelda: “Well that’s something, anyway.”

>>"No need to be gentle, Link; I can take the pain."

DED: Do you think if you used Nayru’s Love to become invincible during sex, would it make it so you could do lots of kinky BDSM shit without permanent damage, or would it just prevent you from feeling anything at all and ruin it?

Link: Well actually, I can tell you that it doesn’t completely eliminate the sensation of pain but rather turns it into a sort of—

Zelda: —Do you think if you frame-buffered during sex and used Farore’s Wind at exactly the right frame such that you die at the same time as you teleport away at the same time as you cum, could you wrong-warp somewhere while you wrong-hole someone?

Rauru: Stop! For a variety of reasons!

>>Not understanding what she had meant at first,

DED: WOW REALLY?

>>the Hylian took a moment to gather courage as he bit down on her sensitive nipple,

Link: Which one is the sensitive nipple? Is the other one a nip of stone?

>>earning him a sharp intake of air

Rauru: Holy SHIT that’s some hardcore domination! He has to pleasure her to earn AIR?!

>>as the older woman shuddered with pleased sigh.

DED: My sigh is not so pleased.

>>"Don't be afraid to touch me somewhere else," Impa then said,

Zelda: “And don’t be afraid of commitment. Or the number thirteen, or clowns, that shit’s irrational.”

>>her other nipple now receiving the same treatment as its twin.

Rauru: No doubt as part of some kind of weird experiment.

>>"There's no need to be shy, lad. It'll feel good for both of us."

Link: Uh, right, sure, my fingers and hands are definitely my erogenous zones. That’s why I love sword fighting so much, it’s like getting jerked off at all times. Yup.

>>She paused, whispering huskily. "You can touch me anywhere."

DED: Anywhere on the outside of her body, at least.

Link: B-but what about up in the hoo-ha?

DED: Still topologically on the outside. I’m talkin’ like, surgical incisions, here. No touching spleens or kidneys.

Link: Oh. Ok, fair enough.

>>Link's eyes lit up, pupils dilated. His mind reeled;

Zelda: Pupils dilated, limbs spasming, tongue curling, eyebrows waggling...

>>Impa, the sexy, gorgeous Sheikah he had fawned over since he was a child,

Rauru: ...Are two completely different people.

>>was now offering access to her whole body for his eager hands.

DED: For a limited time only! Call now, operators are standing by!

>>His body burned with lust as his nostrils flared, blood rushing through his body at an alarming speed

Link: You’re killin’ me here, Impa! Like, literally, I am dying, you’re spiking my blood pressure for some reason! Sex with you is giving me a panic attack!

>>as there was one part of Impa that he wanted to touch more than anything—

Zelda: —Her heart.

Rauru: D’awwwww.

Zelda: ...while extracting it so he can sell it to black market organ traders.

Rauru: ...No.

>>The Sheikah gasped as strong hands moved to cup her supple ass-cheeks

DED: Do you really cup an ass? Is cup the unit of volume that you conceptualize ass in?

Link: Is there some sleezy porno director out there saying, “Eyyy, I needz a few more cupsa AAASS onna set!”

>>but she soon cooed,

Rauru: Oh don’t you worry.

>>smirking as the young Hylian rested his head against her pillowy breasts face-first.

Zelda: I really don’t think men would actually enjoy the literal experience of using a woman’s breasts as pillows. Like, for the whole night, a good 8 hours? All sweaty and awkwardly placed, shaped wrong, moving around because your pillows breathe in and out? You would NEVER get comfortable.

DED: You didn’t specify “breasts attached to a breathing woman,” though.

Zelda: NOPE, no, not going there.

>>He squeezed and groped, mapping out her rear through her shorts with kneads and fondling.

DED: I dunno, if I were him I’d map her ass using a series of laser pulses and measuring the return time.

Link: Wh...what is wrong with you?

DED: Lasers are awesome! I thought you would appreciate that.

Link: Lasers are not as awesome as fondling an ass.

>>Chuckling,

Rauru: So was the act of chuckling named after some guy named Chuckle who was widely known for laughing in a particular hearty-but-not-loud way?

>>Impa used her arms to push her tits together,

Zelda: Yeah, I’ve tried it with “sheer force of will” and it just doesn’t work, arms are the better tool.

Link: What about wearing the WonderBra I got for you?

Zelda: Sure, as soon as you wear that chastity belt weiner-cage thing I got for you.

Link: Moving on...hey wait, you have magic powers, you could TOTALLY use sheer force of will to make your tits look perkier! You can lift portcullises and shit with your telekinesis!

Zelda: ...I’ll never consider any of the things mentioned in this conversation again, if you agree to do the same.

Link: ...Deal.

>>trapping Link's face in-between The scent of sweat, feminine odour, and something he couldn't put his finger on filled his nostrils with every intake of air,

DED: Every move you make, every breath you take, I’ll be groping you...

>>driving Link mad with lust as he kept playing with her sexy ass.

DED: ...See?

>>The soft, naked flesh of her malleable mounds against the sides of his head, the smooth, suppleness of Impa's rear behind the tight fabric under the palms of his hands,

Rauru: ...the knob on the end of a baseball bat handle, the improved factorability of the radix of 12 in the duodecimal counting system, the Beaufort wind force scale...

Link: ...and?

Rauru: ...the quiver of a succulent cube of fatty pork...

Link: ...THERE it is.

>>and the Sheikah's smell lit a fire in his belly.

Zelda: Or maybe that thing he ate off the ground in the Shadow Temple hadn’t actually been a gummy worm.

>>"Keep going, lad…" Her voice was husky and shaky.

DED: As she struggled to pretend to be into it.

>>"Enjoy this to your fullest.

Zelda: “...at least one of us should...”

>>I reckon my body has been distracting you for a long time."

Rauru: What with all the surgically-implanted blinking lights and klaxons.

>>She had absolutely no idea.

Link: Join the club!

>>"Impa."

DED: Immmmmmmpa...you can’t say we never triiiiiiiiiied...

>>The way he uttered her name sent a bolt of heat straight between her legs.

Zelda: Whoa, whoa, hey, only I get to speak eldritch words of power and set people on fire here.

Link: Hey, there’s a magic glowing octahedron in my pocket that begs to differ.

>>"Could…Could you turn around, please? A-And…lie down on your stomach for me?"

Rauru: “...Where could he possibly be going with this...?”

>>Crimson eyes lit up as lips curled into a naughty smile and she nodded. "Gladly, Link."

Zelda: “For a minute there I was afraid you were actually going to go try and diddle me.”

>>Impa did as she was told but went the extra length;

DED: Out of the room and down the hall, in fact.

>>peeling her shorts off, revealing her pure white thong,

Link: Well okay but let’s be completely real here, I think parts of that thong probably have some impurity on them.

Zelda: Like, wearing a spandex jumpsuit and then running around fighting monsters, sweating in it...that is NOT a recipe for maintaining clean underwear.

Rauru: And I can tell you, velvet mumus aren’t any more forgiving.

DED: MOVING ON...

>>the Sheikah snickered at Link's expression as she spun around real quick,

Zelda: ...And spun and spun into a blurry tornado and went off tunneling through the walls.

>>giving him a good long look before she laid down her upper body on the bed with her fine rear-end up in the air, presented to him.

DED: STEP right up ladies and gents, GET your tickets here for this fine rear-end up in the air, DON’T you ever miss it!

>>Link was behind her in an instant.

Link: *teleports behind you* You are already groped.

Zelda: ...NANI?!

>>Cupping and massaging firm cheeks, tan skin feeling wonderful in the palms of his hands.

DED: Missing a subject, creating sentence fragments.

>>Now that he got the best view of the Sheikah woman's posterior, the Hylian admired it with a burning passion to the point of salivating….and then he could not contain himself.

Link: ...and I started drooling?

Rauru: I have never related more to a protagonist.

>>His lips planted kisses across the supple skin as he kneaded her ass-cheeks, tongue darting out to lap at naked flesh.

DED: Meanwhile, outside, the fires caused by that nefandous texture continued to burn.

>>Link's mind became cloudy,

Rauru: With a chance of blue balls.

>>the haze of rear-end worshipping setting his hormones on fire.

Zelda: Like, one by one, molecule by molecule?

>>Impa gasped as soon as soft lips pressed against her ass.

DED: “No, when I said ‘kiss my ass’ I meant like, fuck off, I’ll have no more to do with you.”

>>Glancing over her shoulder and seeing the young lad worshipping her posterior,

Link: So like, the term “ass worship” is already mildly sacreligious, and ours is a universe where if you actually worship the actual deities you get real tangible rewards, like those magic octahedrons.

Rauru: Are you saying that fondling her ass isn’t a tangible reward?

Link: I...um...yeah, no, I guess my brain got all tangled up in itself. My brain is like a spider in its web, except it’s not its web, it’s some other spider’s web.

Zelda: You better consider fondling an ass to be a tangible reward because I ain’t paying you in anything else.

>>she chuckled and shook it, enjoying the situation as it developed further—

DED: —we take you now to the Situation Room for an update.

>>"I have a request," the Sheikah said,

Zelda: “Could I hear ‘Turn to Stone’ by ELO? Thanks. Longtime listener.”

>>shaking her rear still. "If you don't mind."

DED: “Haven’t seen much evidence of a mind so far outta you, so I figured you wouldn’t.”

>>"N-No, of course not!"

Rauru: Five minutes later: “I SHOULD HAVE MINDEEEEEEED”

>>"Good. Then stop being a gentleman and smack my ass."

Link: “...That’s two requests.”

DED: “Does the ungentlemanliness only apply to this ass-smacking, or are you requesting an immediate smack and a long-term dedication to caddishness?”

>>His eyes widened (was it possible for them to widen any more than they had?)

Zelda: Nope. Better call the hospital again.

>>and although hesitant, Link bravely raised his hand and hit soft flesh,

Link: “Whoops, that was my ass.”

>>making it ripple and jiggly in a way that almost had him blow his load right then and there.

Rauru: Then, he blew his load right now and there.

>>*Smack!* Impa cooed, enjoying the pleasure-pain.

DED: The sound of Impa cooing is “*Smack!*”...?

>>*Smack!*

Zelda: I could go for some smack. Or some opium, or benzos, or huffing some paint thinner. Fucking anything at this point. I’m desperate for escape, here.

>>The young Hylian watched like hypnotized as the older woman's rear jiggled against his groin.

Rauru: This is nearly helpful, in that it’ll keep Link distracted and docile all day, but it doesn’t leave Impa free to do anything either.

>>He continued for a little while whilst listening to the Sheikah mewling and purring in response;

DED: Ironic, considering he’s the one doing that cat paw-kneading thing.

>>every now and then she shook her ass,

Link: Every now and then I fall apart...

Zelda: ...There’s nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the buuuuuuuuuuutt!

further enticing the young male that would soon give in and the real fun would begin.

Zelda: WOW, spoilers, geez.

DED: What clumsy foreshadowing.

>>"I…have a request…"

Link: “I think I tore something in my shoulder while we were fighting that giant drum fucker. Or maybe it was when you tackled me from the ceiling. In any case, can we find a doctor?”

>>She glanced back at him again. "I'm all—" She gasped and chuckled as a firm hand slapped at her backside. "Ears~"

Rauru: Ugh, a hideous flesh homunculus made exclusively of severed ears. Can’t say I see what Link sees in her.

>>"I want you to sit on my face."

Zelda: Cue the Kill Bill sirens, except instead of cutting back and forth between two faces, it’s back and forth between Link’s face and Impa’s ass.

>>She eyed him, waiting for him to laugh at the joke…that turned out to not be one.

DED: Oh man, story, that is our entire world.

>>He was confident and serious about it.

Link: If I’m gonna get femdommed, I’m gonna own it at least.

>>Impa softly laughed. "How kinky of you, Link,

Zelda: “No, really, I’m asking, how kinky do you consider that? I mean before we go further you should...probably...know a few things about Sheikah, um...culture.”

>>but I'll gladly indulge you."

Rauru: “*HWARRKK* *PTOO!* ...wait, you said spit on you face, right?”

>>´To think that the Hero of Time is a butt-guy…´

DED: At least he’s not a furry. In this game, at least.

>>Link giddily lied down on his back as the Sheikah crawled over to him, winking as she turned and presented her ass to him,

Link: Winking her eye, I hope.

>>giving it a wiggle.

Zelda: A sound strategy.

>>She assumed the position, straddling the Hylian's face, firm thighs at either side of his head, and sat down on her new throne.

Rauru: Zelda, any advice for the new ascendant to the throne?

Zelda: Have all your siblings executed or you’ll get pretenders. Kill everyone important from the old regime, too. Eliminate all other claimants.

Link: It’s a new throne, there’s none of that.

Zelda: Then purge some ministers, your cabinet, your friends list, I dunno! Figure out who needs killing and have them firmly killed.

DED: ...Any advice not related to murder? O bearer of the Triforce of Wisdom?

Zelda: ...Uhhhhhhh...ummm...you should...no that’s also murder-related...uhhhhhh...be yourself?

>>Link's body reacted strongly; the soft-yet-firm sensation of the woman of his dreams sitting on his face had blood rushing at an alarming rate.

Link: Ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for sex.

>>His cock strained against its confines,

Rauru: Atticock! Atticock!

>>throbbing with pent-up desire as he fondled ass-cheeks and Impa grinding and bouncing her posterior against his face.

DED: The random verb tense change completely bungled this sentence, but the more I think about it the more I realize there was nothing there of value to be bungled.

Zelda: The paradoxes of embunglement.

>>The older woman chuckled, enjoying her new seat as the Hylian worshipped her backside when crimson eyes caught glimpse of an impressive protrusion

Link: Devil’s Tower?

>>that outlined the brown shorts. Such a poor thing should not be imprisoned like that…

Zelda: Well now that—nope, nope, we made a pact...

Rauru: Wait, wait, so penises should be above the law?

>>It was that thought that had the Sheikah lean down,

DED: Nah I’m pretty sure it was the “let’s lean down now, cowboy” thought.

>>her ass still planted on Link's face,

Zelda: She will reap what she has sown.

Link: Asses? That doesn’t sound so bad.

Rauru: Would you want to have more than one ass?

Link: ...Hmm...

>>and pulled down the brown shorts just enough for a long, firm phallus to stand at full attention,

Zelda: Hopefully it “pays attention” better than Link himself.

Link: ...a catalogue of washing machines one time, and it had a thing where you could set it to...

>>a gasp of hot breath against her panties as she did.

DED: Why would a gasp exert force “against” her panties? It’d do the opposite, it’s an inhale.

>>´To think he had a second Master Sword in his possession…´

Rauru: Is there like, a law that says pornos have to have incredibly cheesy innuendo in them?

>>She wordlessly admired his cock, eyeing it with a growing hunger.

Link: Look, stories, come on, hunger and lust are completely different sensations. Right, Rauru?

Rauru: I think that’s what they teach in schools. Can’t say as I’ve noticed.

>>Without thinking she moved forward,

Link: THAT’S the spirit!

>>grasping it at its base and brought it to her lips as she tenderly kissed his dick along its length and mushroom head—

DED: So far in their relationship her ratio of lip kisses to dick kisses is only 2:1.

Link: Works for me.

>>A repeated tapping on her thighs brought the older woman out of her reverie

Zelda: “Oh heck, my metronome tipped over.”

>>and she immediately moved to sit on the lad's chest, staring back apologetically. "My apologies, Link!"

Rauru: “My very apologetic apologies, as conveyed by my apologetic stare!”

"It's…alright," he replied, a silly smile on his face. "I enjoyed it immensely."

Link: “Or rather, I enjoyed its immensity.”

>>"Did you now? To think that the saviour of Hyrule would have such dirty thoughts about me…" She chuckled at him.

DED: “I find your sexuality laughable. Like, you, as a sexual being, are a joke.”

>>"Still, I'd be more than happy to indulge you like this in the future."

Zelda: “Any other things you want me to sit on? It’s so naughty, we could work your sitting fetish into our daily lives. Would you get off if you saw me sitting on things in public? You dirty boy. What if I sat on a loaf of bread for you? What if I sat on a wooden bench and put this poor little ass in splinter peril? You like that you fuckin’ freak? You wanna jerk your dick while I sit on a Swedish ergonomic—”

Link: “—Whoa slow down, what the fuck?! I just wanted to be up in your asscheeks for a moment or two!”

Zelda: “Hey I asked you, ‘how kinky.’”

>>A blush settled on her cheeks. "…You know, Link…Should we perhaps…

Rauru: “...Order pizza?”

>>go all the way?"

Link: “YES I’LL MARRY YOU PLEASE TAKE CARE OF ME ‘TIL DEATH DO US PART!”

>>"Go…all the way?"

DED: Traverse entirely the distance?

>>Link repeated with a puzzled look.

Link: HrrrRRrrrmmm...Colonel...

>>Impa giggled at him.

Zelda: Would that I were so easily amused.

>>"Sexual intercourse, lad."

DED: “Coitus. Copulation. Genetic recombination by haploid gamete cells to form a zygote.”

>>"Oh." The Hylian sported a dark blush of his own.

Rauru: In his latest makeup tutorial.

Link: I don’t do rouge. But my winged eyeliner game is ON POINT.

>>"Y-Yeah…We k-kinda have already…well…crossed a point of no return…"

Zelda: “Ho-HOOOOOOO no, I kept the receipt for you, if you know what I mean.”

>>Impa just smiled at him as she moved to sit by his side. "You're adorable, you know?"

DED: “If only I actually did adore you...”

>>She helped him up to sitting position, pulling him into a kiss that left him breathless and brought him down with her as she fell onto her back.

Rauru: I wonder how many square feet this “Spartan-esque” bed is giving them to flop around all over.

>>"We'll keep it simple this time," she said, smiling.

Zelda: This is the most obvious possible case of K.I.S.S. being needed.

Link: ...Keep It Simple, Smiling?

Zelda: Ahhhnope, keep guessing. In fact whenever you get bored, and feel like doing anything at all besides continuing to guess, then just sit quietly and continue to guess.

>>The Sheikah removed her underwear, tossing them aside.

DED: I believe the grammatical construction would be “removed her unders wear,” in that case.

>>They were fully naked – bared to each other –

Rauru: She could start a band, Barenaked Sagies.

>>and just inches away.

DED: ...FROM TOTAL DISASTER.

>>"I trust you know at least the basics?"

Link: “You do a bit of a preliminary skirmish and wear down a few layers of obstruction, and then the weak point is revealed and you thrust into it as fast and hard as possible? Yeah, I know all about that, I’ve been doing that all week.”

>>He nodded.

DED: He means “basics” in the sense of “basic control over his own limbs.”

Zelda: And it’s still not credible.

>>"Then…slowly. There's no rush."

Rauru: SHUT UP YES THERE IS MOVE IT ALONG

>>Shyly, he moved forward.

Zelda: And awkwardly, too, I thought.

DED: Very inelegant.

Rauru: Graceless.

>>Her strong legs wrapped around his waist, gently pulling him closer as he positioned himself, cock aligned perfectly.

DED: Which can’t be that much of a feat. I mean, toddlers play a similar game with plastic blocks and a hammer.

>>The moment their sexes touched – firm flesh against wet folds –

Link: They exploded?

>>they shuddered, pleasure receptors ignited,

Zelda: Brains on fire.

DED: It’s Parasite Eve.

>>and Link allowed himself to sheath up to the base with on motion.

Rauru: Hey this sounds like the basis of a great techno remix voice sample of random phrases.

>>He grits his teeth, shuddering still.

Link: This story spans the past, present, and future. It’s all tenses at once because it’s all happening at once, in a 4-dimensional unchanging hologram.

>>The tight heat, wet, velvety folds, and everything else he felt was out of this world.

DED: Her otherworldly genitals are a big hit!

>>His phallus twitched inside of her, against inner walls, and the Sheikah quivered, legs keeping him in place.

Zelda: Legs are among the many tools I have to use to keep him in his place.

>>Taking a moment to clear the hazy mind and ground himself,

Rauru: And failing, obviously, but...

DED: Maybe he should spend more than a single moment trying that.

>>Link finally moved albeit slowly with hesitation as he pulled back out and eagerly sheathed himself with surprising roughness.

Zelda: Link, graceless in lovemaking? That’s SUCH a surprise!

>>Impa pulled him close, clawing at his exposed back as the Hylian's continued with a steadily increased rhythm,

Link: The Hylian’s will continue until morale improves!

>>the sound of flesh against flesh, the feel of sticky skin against wet skin, and the musky scents that permeated the air

DED: All aspects of this scene’s deep unpleasantness.

>>driving them both mad with kindled lust.

Rauru: They’ve been driven mad several times over the course of this story.

DED: Same tbh.

>>He licked and nipped at her exposed collarbone, inhaling her scent as he rutted into her.

Link: “Rutted into her?” Can someone directionally rut?

DED: I think you need to get an item from a dungeon first. Directional rutting lets you go back and solve a bunch of puzzles from earlier.

>>Impa's breasts pressed onto his chest, their softness still marvelling him

Rauru: ‘Course he’ll marvel at a lot of things...

>>and he angled his head to have them against his face.

DED: Like a heliostat, but for boobs.

>>The Sheikah attempted to ground herself

Rauru: Why? Is she afraid of lightning?

>>by biting the insides of her cheeks but the pleasure that zapped from neuron to neuron and rendered her muscles into hot, pliant goo was too strong.

Zelda: This is orgasm as described by a neurologist tweaking on bath salts.

>>The bed creaked from the rough lovemaking,

DED: Beds, the forgotten victims.

>>senses overwhelmed by blinding pleasure

Rauru: Being blind is gonna be a problem in his quest going forward.

>>as the couple lost themselves in the torrent of lust that surrounded them.

Link: Download me some lust off the internet, man.

>>Link's impressive phallus filled her up beyond imagining,

Zelda: Hold on...hmmm...nope, I’m having NO trouble imagining it.

Rauru: Yeah but, you’ve now had to imagine it, and therefore you’re basically the real loser here.

Zelda: Damn it.

>>stretching her pussy and reaching in deep—

DED: Where are my damn keys?

>>"Goddesses!" she cried out,

Rauru: “Yeah, religion! Maybe that will still the howling emptiness in my soul!”

DED: I mean we can assume she didn’t find spiritual fulfilment in coitus with Link.

>>clutching tightly onto Link. She quivered, pleasure building up like a tight knot in her stomach

Link: Pleasure building up exactly like anxiety probably says a lot about Impa.

>>as the Hylian pounded away by pure instinct.

Rauru: I thought they were by the dresser.

DED: Don’t be silly, she doesn’t have any furniture.

>>Wet heat dampened the sheets and their bodies glistened with sweat.

Zelda: Sweat, and a thin sheen of servile lower-class boorishness.

>>"Impa…" His voice was deep, laboured, and induced with lust. "I'm…!"

DED: “...That’s my favorite contraction!”

>>She understood. "Don't hold back, lad; I want it."

Link: “Would you like to know how I feel about impregnating you? Or does that matter?”

>>Like a beast, Link's muscles tensed,

Rauru: Uh, yeah, that’s...not even wrong...

>>hips blurring from the rapid thrusts.

Zelda: Slow down sparky, you’ll set her pubes on fire.

>>His impressive length piston in and out, twitching with need against quivering tight heat, and soon hotter ropes of cum fired into Impa's love-tunnel

DED: Her disappointing fairground attraction?

>>as blinding pleasure had the Sheikah let out a litany of moans,

Link: Religion is weird.

>>their worlds turning into multi-coloured masses of light and physical pleasure that scorched the pleasure-centre of their brains in the most delightful way possible.

Rauru: ...But did they cum?

>>Their bodies, tightly pressed against each other,

Zelda: ...Were intensely unappealing.

>>embraced for the full duration of their high, clutching, clawing, and caressing every nook and cranny of naked flesh they could, lips eventually kissing.

DED: That whole every-nook-and-cranny thing took a good bit of time, you see.

>>For but a moment, the world wasn't a scary place.

Rauru: But it was a damp, clammy, rather awkward place.

Link: Also, if I may say, banging Impa wasn’t the thing I did in this story that made the world less scary.

>>x.x.x

The afterglow waned.

Zelda: So, they cracked straight on and got engaged and then married. Then came the honeymoon, then mundanity, then the affair, shouting matches, divorce, depression, sleazy rebound dating, botched suicide attempt...

>>Link, panting, rolled onto his back, the love of his life resting beside him with a heavy breath and a beaming smile.

Link: “I’m so glad I have you, waifu body pillow...”

>>What he had done to earn this, he'd never know for sure,

DED: How many times have I thought that very thing...

>>but Link quietly thanked the deities for allowing him to be with the woman he loved.

Rauru: “Our hot mamas, who art in heaven, bitchin’ be thy names. Guess what? Thy kingdom...come. Awwwwwww yisss.”

>>A hand interlocked with his

Link: I THOUGHT I KILLED YOU FOR GOOD YOU FLESH-EATING ABOMINATION! DIE, DIE, DIE! BY FIRE BE PURGED!

>>and the Hylian turned to see Impa stare at him with loving eyes. "Hey."

Rauru: “That’s what we’re lying on. I can’t believe it, you literally live like an animal.”

>>"Hey…"

DED: Hey hey hey! DA NA NAAAAAAA, NA NANA NANA, that’s WHAT I say!

>>"You know, lad…"

Link: Hey, I’m not just a lad anymore, tonight, you made me a chap.

DED: Oh yeah, like that great R&B band, Ladz II Chapz.

>>She paused, looking for the right words.

Zelda: No doubt buried somewhere in her filthy peasant’s shack.

Rauru: Hey, she raised you. What’s more, she raised you. How can she be a peasant?

Zelda: I didn’t expressly say that she’s a peasant, I just said her shack is of a filthy peasant.

>>Then again, there were only three words that, albeit old, held any meaning.

Link: “Turn down for what.”

Rauru: ...That’s four words.

Link: Are you telling me to turn down?

>>"I love you."

DED: “It’s my favorite pronoun.”

>>His heart jumped with joy as he smiled back. "I love you too, Impa.

Zelda: “I didn’t ask for your favorite band!”

>>For the longest time."

Rauru: ...That’s where you found me, when you put your arms around me, I haven’t been there for the loooooongest tiiiiiiime!

>>Sharing a gentle laugh, the couple embraced and kissed.

Zelda: “Welp, time to be the Sage of Shadow for all eternity, guarding the mind-bending horrors that lurk at the darkened edge of mankind’s fumbling perception. But uh, like, let’s do coffee sometime soon. I mean the coffee shop burned down, just earlier, but...”

Link: “Then we should make the Shadow Temple into a coffee shop! Keep those throw pillows and that conversation pit and the Bauhaus chairs, put in an espresso bar in the corner, some retro 30’s glass lamps from the ceiling, hang a few pieces of ethnic art, sweep all the bones and meat chunks into the bottomless pit...brilliant! We’ll flip this dungeon and make a fortune!”

DED: Link that’s...that’s an uncommonly good idea. You could actually apply yourself and your dungeoneering skills and leave the world a better place, instead of just leaving a looted empty dungeon that’ll inevitably fill up with slimes and bats again. Do dungeon real estate.

Link: ...Do what? I was thinking about the washing machine catalogue again. Or the slave auction pamphlet, as I like to call it, since their shaking and groaning indicates that they, like the noble teakettles, are yearning like huddled masses to breathe free the air around Tom Paine and give themselves liberty or death. Therefore...

Zelda: Let it go, Dave. It’s for the best.