In the not-too distant future,
Somewhere on the Internet,
Lurked a crazy rambling author
no one could just quite forget,
Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made
Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,
They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,
So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space
We’ll send him crappy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la la la!)
He’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind he can’t control
When the fics begin or end
He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his character friends:
Random Roll Call!
Pictograph Guy! “You can’t see me, my time is now!”
Rauru! “I love fishes cuz they’re so delicious!”
Zelda! “Ice on my fingers and my toes and on all my toys!”
Link! “What they want, I don’t know, they’re all revved up and ready to go!”
If you don’t get how he stays alive
Or other technicalities,
Just bear in mind that I don’t care
So don’t bother asking, please
On Random Silly Theater 3000!
“Twilight Fucker” by sexdottxt
>>The fight had been long and hard but Link had won.
Link: I finally got that laser tag arena built. DESPITE a certain princess’s protests.
Zelda: You...DIDN’T. You just started shooting Fire Arrows around in an unfinished wing of the castle.
Link: Right, like I was saying.
Zelda: NO! CONCEPTS HAVE MEANING! I WON’T LET YOU HIJACK EPISTEMOLOGY WITH YOUR IDIOT BRAIN!
>>With the defeat of Ganon and Zant, peace had been returned to the land of Hyrule.
DED: Hyrule generated a shipping label but still required them to go to the post office and drop peace off.
>>Order had also been restored in the Twilight Realm. Now there would be much time for rest and relaxation.
Rauru: NOW we’re talking!
Link: They didn’t even mention eating, though!
Rauru: It’s implicit.
Zelda: Eating is implicit to, like, all of living existence.
Rauru (brandishing a ham hock): Well why do you think I’m such a jolly guy? *GROMF*
>>There was something else that was also long and hard.
DED: The road to the end of this story...
>>Namely, Link himself.
Link: Gyuh-huk!
Zelda: Well, it’s hardly worth it, but: boo. BOOOOOO!
>>Midna had appeared in her true form as a Twili to thank him and Princess Zelda.
Rauru: By leaving forever.
>>But between being a naturally silent protagonist and the look of her standing before him, a mix of beauty and elegance,
Link: Me, a mix of beauty and elegance...
>>Link was really lost for words.
DED: Just like that classic maze-like Zelda location, the Lost Words.
>>He never thought he'd ever want to fuck the little gremlin that had been his partner that whole time.
Link: Or go on a date, even. Hell I wouldn't even want to sit next to Midna on the bus.
>>But she wasn't looking like a gremlin anymore, and she wasn't dressed like one either.
DED: Um okay what do...gremlins...dress like...?
Zelda: Oh you know, pointy hats, pointy shoes, huge belt buckles...basic gnomecore...
>>From a distance her dark robes made her look like a dark specter,
Rauru: Ah, of course...I thought the dark robes would make her look like a bright specter, but in retrospect, yeah, that makes a lot more sense.
>>alluring and mysterious, yet up close he could see she was anything but.
DED: Not really mysterious, and ANYTHING but alluring.
>>Her clothes were fine as befitting a royal, but they were nothing like Zelda's conservative attire,
Zelda: Oh, right, my very restrained and understated SOLID GOLD PAULDRONS.
>>he got a good look at Midna's flat midriff and long lovely legs,
Link: More like a goods look. At her goods.
>>not to mention her jawdropping cleavage.
DED: Nah nah, she wears a cloak and half a skirt and that’s it. It’s not “cleavage” if her tits are just, out.
Zelda: So I guess it’s jawdropping that she covered them even partially.
>>He couldn't believe this vixen was his travel companion the whole time.
Rauru: How could a bona fide monarch have such a childish annoying personality?
>>Couldn't believe that she was on his back in that wolf form either.
DED: How could she have been so lazy and selfish?
>>If only all royalty could dress this way.
Link: Kings included.
>>Something wasn't lost on the two princesses with him.
Zelda: Was iiiiittt...the weather?
Rauru: The inverse-square law?
DED: Safe forklift-operating protocol?
Link: Lost? The show? ...Wait, no, the something WASN’T lost, that’s the one thing it CAN’T be.
>>Zelda turned away and blushed,
Zelda: And left.
>>not believing that this hero was boldly pitching a tent.
Rauru: Fearlessly ignoring the prevailing ordinances on outdoor camping in the area.
Link: Hey, it’s not my fault that the Triforce of Courage considers shame to be a kind of fear.
>>Midna on the other hand found herself liking it.
DED: Best killer clown story ever.
>>As soon as she had assumed her true form,
Rauru: “I mean I...assume this is how I looked before...my memory’s not perfect, but I’m pretty sure...”
>>there was no question she was a princess with her air of nobility and beauty about her.
Zelda: No question, because the answer was self-evidently “No, she is not.”
>>She smiled seeing him so taken with her.
Link: I don’t have money, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long adventure. Skills that make me a nightmare for dark overlords like you.
>>"Am I so beautiful that you're at a loss for words?" she said.
DED: Hmm, let me cross-reference here...yup, the story definitively stated that Link was really lost for words.
>>Naturally he said nothing, proving her point.
Link: “...oh, sorry, what? I was zoned out thinking about my coal-powered toothbrush idea again.”
>>Even with the realms saved, some things would never change.
Rauru: Like the mass of the proton, or the $1.50 Costco hot dog.
>>She supposed that was fine,
Zelda: Given the stuff he could be saying...
>>it was the literal daybreak of their victory after their long struggle.
DED: Or rather, it is daybreak, and they were victorious, causing them to perceive the daybreak as metaphorically SYMBOLIZING the desirable commencement of their post-victory lives, which is the exact opposite of ‘literal.’
Rauru: And why does the daybreak make it fine that Link said nothing? Why are those two clauses in the same sentence?
>>That alone was reason enough for joy
Link: The sun rising is a reason she’s joyful? Isn’t she the Twilight Princess?
>>and she wouldn't ruin the moment.
Rauru: Only, y’know, every other moment she possibly can.
>>And more importantly,
Zelda: ...they can probably take the day off. Three-day weekend!
>>she noticed very soon that Link was getting a chub in his pants.
DED: I actually don’t think Link nursing a semi is more important than the rising of the sun.
Link: Whoa hey, sunlight and boners are both necessary for civilization to exist.
>>A little bit of her old self returned.
Rauru: Her old, wrinkly, slutty self.
>>"Well, I thought our final goodbye was gonna be all heartfelt and sad. But now I'm starting to want something more."
Zelda: “I want EXTREME heartfeeling and sadness! Weep! Wail! Gnash your teeth and claw at your breast!”
Rauru: Well if Midna’s anything like YOU, that’s what I’d expect her to demand...
Zelda: I mean, in general, I would demand that any given person display tremendous sorrow at the prospect of leaving me, to properly honor my greatness. But in this specific instance, it being Midna who’s leaving, I would be jumping for joy and clinking champagne glasses and I wouldn’t give a tin shit how Midna behaved as long as she JUST LEAVES.
>>She looked straight at Zelda.
DED: I dunno about that, in stories featuring both Midna and Zelda, Midna is almost always at least bisexual.
>>"Do us a favor and leave us alone, will you?
Zelda: “Uh, is leaving you alone the favor, or are you asking for two particular things?”
>>Me and the hero have some catching up to do."
Link: That isn’t at all believable! We’ve been together nonstop for weeks!
>>Zelda blushed at that remark.
Rauru: “GOD it’s embarrassing that she fell for Link, I’m embarrassed FOR her...”
>>"W-what are you trying to say?"
DED: Daaay-o! Me say daaaaaaaay-o! Daylight come and me wan’ Midna go home!
Link: Come mister tally-man, tally me bononer!
>>"I'm saying I'm gonna fuck this dick up!" Midna squealed.
Zelda: You know what? Kudos for portraying Midna as being crass and stupid and whorish.
DED: Many erotic authors are too obsessed with “her tender love petals glistened in anticipation of the incumbent syzygy of their loins”-type prose.
>>She grabbed Link's crotch and the stoic hero who had braved so many trials and tribulations jumped right up at her touch.
Link: Yeah, if you crush my dick and balls, it DOES tend to provoke an immediate reaction...
>>That stoic and beautiful face giggled, there was something of the gremlin in there alright.
DED: Or perhaps even of Gremlins 2 and 3.
>>"Now scram bitch.
Zelda: And don’tcha come back no more no more no MORE NO MORE!
>>I've always wanted to get a taste of Hyrule meat.
Rauru: She ain’t havin’ any of my meat.
DED: And by that you surely mean...
Rauru: *turning a lamb shank on a spit*
DED: ...Right on cue.
>>And I know this is the best one."
Link: I AM THE BEST MEAT!
>>"Well!" Zelda said, folding her arms. "That is most inappropriate."
Zelda: Oh, no, the most inappropriate was this thing I saw at a private noble ball where they—
>>"Oh please Miss High and Mighty,"
Link: I spend most of my time trying to please Miss High and Mighty...
>>Midna said, still holding Link's man gland.
Rauru: Ripped his prostate cleeeeeeeean out.
>>"We were briefly joined as one. I saw into your thoughts too. You want the same thing."
DED: It’s clobberin’ time!
>>"That's not true!"
Zelda: Yeah! I lust for Link in a way more classy and highbrow way!
>>"Then you don't mind me having this hunky handsome hero?"
Link: Hell hno!
>>She cupped Link's face.
DED: Cupping is pseudoscience.
>>"I always loved riding you when you were in that wolf form.
Rauru: “But then the novelty wore off and ennui set in...”
>>How about I ride you again one last time?"
Link: ...You GUARANTEE it’s the definitive last time?
>>She blew a faint stream of air on his lips.
Zelda: Gosh, yeah, air is VERY faint. So faint as to be invisible, most of the time.
>>Zelda frowned and snatched him right back from her. "Oh no.
DED: Oh no, indeed.
>>I watched him swing that sword and kill Ganon.
Zelda: Uh, I also shot Ganon in the face with Light Arrows, if I recall, but sure, I also “watched.”
>>I even..."
Rauru: “...made him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich...”
>>She closed her eyes and licking her lips,
DED: Cloooose your eyyyyyes, and I’ll lick you, tomooooooorrow I’ll miss you...
>>massaged her breasts under her fine garments
Link: Where they are usually found, yes.
>>with such sensuality that it was a big surprise for this tag team
Zelda: We’re gonna fuck Monday Night RAW.
>>watching this uptight and regal princess do such a thing,
Rauru: Link wouldn’t have had any experience with this from hanging out with Midna, obviously, but as it happens, most if not all princesses are “regal.”
>>and he even forgot about his sudden urge to fuck Midna like crazy.
DED: You’d have to be crazy to want to fuck Midna.
>>"...blessed his arrows with my light magic."
Link: You mean she could have given me heavy magic? Why was she bogarting it?
>>But Midna regained the initiative fast,
DED: Roll 1d20 plus your Dexterity bonus.
>>grabbing the pronounced erection in his pants.
Zelda: ɪˈrɛk ʃən (ih-rek-shuhn).
Rauru: I’ll drink up all the Hennesy you got on your shelf, so just let me introduce myself, my name’s Erection, pronounced with a -rection!
>>He let out a sudden groan.
Link: As opposed to me announcing the groan in advance to avoid any surprises.
>"Well I'm holding his Master Sword right now."
DED: “Slicing deeply into my hands. Ow.”
Zelda: I assume the holy blade would sear her impure flesh on contact.
>>She stroked his manhood within the confines of his clothes and, doing it fast at first, then slowing down, and then speeding up again.
Rauru: I find this wording awkward within the confines of this story and,
>>He couldn't get enough of this she-devil of a woman.
Link: Ah ha ha. Ha ha. IT IS TO LAUGH.
>>Zelda was fuming.
Rauru: Liquor fumes, I take it.
>>Both at Midna's wicked smile and at Link himself for just sitting there like an idiot.
DED: If she starts fuming at Link sitting there like an idiot, BOY let me tell YOU...
>>Then the eponymous Twilight Princess
Zelda: Oh, sure, you’re eponymous all right, Midna. Enjoy your titular appearance. Y’know, on the box, underneath MY name, Zelda, as in, The Legend Of.
>>yanked his pants down, revealing his erect penis before the both of them.
Link: ...There’s three of us.
Rauru: Yeah, but is it really a revelation to you to see your own penis again?
Link: A sunset is the most predictable and commonplace experience of our lives, but does that make it any less beautiful?
>>She laughed at Zelda's shocked face. "Enjoy watching me fuck this hero up."
DED: I...don’t think Midna knows precisely what “fucking something up” means...
Link: Oh I think she knows EXACTLY what it means and I think she is completely serious.
>>"Oh no," Zelda said in a huff.
Zelda: Oh HELL no.
>>"He needs a real royal treatment,
Rauru: Some rebellious vassals, a scheming vizier or two, maybe a crop failure...
>>not some little brat with an attitude problem!"
Link: I have no need whatsoever for Dennis the Menace.
>>Do I get a say in this? Link thought to himself.
DED: And what about the poor, suffering audience?
>>He was about to break the silent hero code
Zelda: After recovering an Enigma machine from the crew of a captured U-boat.
>>and say something but then they were actually pushing and shoving each other.
Link: Which...made me...not want to say something...? Because...?
>>In the ensuing scuffle, they both pushed him down on the ground.
Rauru: Pausing briefly in their own struggle to shove his ass over in a bout of omnidirectional violence.
>>Nor was he complaining.
DED: I’m sure we’ll get there.
>>At first Midna and Zelda were still having their little catfight, still pushing each other.
Zelda: Then we decided it was beneath us, and instead we resolved our differences with a Socratic symposium on the nature of elegance and the subjectivity of morality.
Link: And then you bounced on it crazy-style.
Zelda: Yes, of course. We bounced on it crazy-style.
>>But then Zelda got the jump on her
DED: I came to get down! I came to get down! So get out’cha seat and jump around!
>>and grabbed Link's bare dick, sticking right up that whole time.
Zelda: Me? Uh, yeah, I can usually manage to remain sticking upright.
DED: ‘Cept when you’ve been doing some REAL fierce drinking.
Zelda (pouring bourbon into a Stanley cup): And for this story, I think I’m gonna need to...
>>An angry Midna pushed into her so hard that all of three of them fell over together.
Link: Except that, in the scuffle, they ALREADY pushed me to the ground...
>>Link had been on a tough journey and braved some of the worst dungeons known to man.
Rauru: Is there actually a worse dungeon known to man he didn’t brave?
>>But that impact messed him so roughly that at first he couldn't see.
Link: Really.
DED: Well, as we all suspected all along, Midna is the true final boss, and does fearsome amounts of damage. And inflicts blindness as a status effect.
>>On the other hand, he did feel something else very strongly. Take a guess what it was.
Zelda: No. Fuck you. I’m not your slave.
>>And he only got harder too.
Link: I’ve been meditating, channeling my qi. Someday I’ll be able to karate-chop boulders clean in half.
>>As soon as his vision got better,
Rauru: Watch out, man, Lasik has a pretty high rate of complications.
>>he saw the two princesses on both sides of him, stroking him with their hands.
Link: “No, I meant ‘give me a hand’ as in ‘help me out!’ You morons knocked me down and blinded me, I could sue ya know!”
>>Midna's bare hands were as amazing as everything else about her,
DED: Uhh, yeah. I believe it.
>>so soft and gentle.
Rauru: Right, sure, “soft and gentle,” the bywords of Midna, qualities she shows time and again throughout Twilight Princess.
>>But Zelda didn't disappoint either,
Zelda: Damn straight.
>>everytime she stroked him with those long white satin gloves of hers,
Link: Or at least the ones she’s wearing.
Zelda: Yeah, I wouldn’t use my own white satin gloves for jorkin’ purposes. I borrowed these. From, ooh, let’s say...Agatha.
>>it actually felt like her hands were sucking off his penis.
Rauru: And by “actually,” we mean, of course, “not actually, but sort of, I guess.”
>>Not to mention that he actually liked seeing these two regal beauties get angry with each other.
DED: GIVE ME YOUR ANGER, SNAKE! LET IT BOIL TO THE SURFACE! RAGE! SHOW ME YOUR RAGE!
>>He actually sat back and let them go at it.
Link: Say “actually” again! Say it one more motherfucking time!
>>The two ladies were both glaring at each other. He was getting stiffer on their hands with each passing second,
DED: Climbing quickly up the Mohs scale.
>>and it both made them happy and irritated the hell out of them.
Zelda: Gawd, TELL me about it...
>>Each one was glad they were getting him off.
Rauru: As for Link himself, he’s just glad that Midna has gotten off of him.
>>On the other hand, both couldn't just ignore the presence of that bitch looking right into their eyes, and they started to wonder if he was liking her touch more.
Link: Just...take turns...?
>>"You should look at his face," Midna whispered.
DED: “There’s this blob of congealed...something stuck to his cheek. What do you think it is?”
>>"He's loving it."
Zelda: Well, lusting it.
>>"What?" Zelda looked at Link, so flustered that she didn't realize that him throwing his head in the heat of that situation
Link: Throwing my head...?
DED: Like Decap Attack?
>>wouldn't really mean anything, not with two beautiful princesses beating him off.
Zelda: Or even in general.
>>But it was exactly the opening Midna needed.
Rauru: Midna needs an opening at the local convenience store or a laundromat or something. Get a damn job.
>>As soon as Zelda's attention was distracted,
Zelda: My attention was distracted, my calmness was agitated, my hunger was hungry...
Rauru: I’ll say!
>>Midna pushed her back and took Link's whole manhood right into her mouth.
Link: What is the deal with the very specific phrase “[take]...into her mouth” that is used at some point during 85% of all blowjob scenes? Nobody ever “takes” anything but dick “into their mouth.”
DED: Rauru for example “stuffs” or “crams” plenty of things into his mouth, but “takes” is just not the right verb.
Rauru (inserting a whole turkey leg without chewing): “Takesth” isth thutch a con’f’un’taysh’nul way of puddin it. *scromf*
>>The Twili princess' little prophecy came true as Link
DED: ...tried to murder his firstborn son to prevent that son from killing him as was foretold, only for the son to survive and anonymously kill him anyway.
>>was definitely throwing his head back then,
Zelda: And howling at the sky.
>>making all kinds of loud cries that he frequently made on his journey.
Link: Whoa whoa whoa, I have a highly advanced and distinctive grunt syllabary, with many semantic distinctions between rolling-grunts and injury-grunts and pot-throwing-grunts and sex-grunts.
Rauru: Well maybe the statement is still true because you got lots of blowjobs on your journey.
>>Zelda was just totally shocked, at a loss for words on how to regain the edge in this bout.
Zelda: Yeah, what do you think I am, wise or something?
>>Midna knew what she was doing too.
DED: Right, yeah, getting into a childish pissing contest.
Link: Not literally, I hope. No hate to the piss pigs and wee warriors, but that just ain’t my scene.
>>She was bobbing her head back and forth, working him good,
Rauru: Eh, working him neutral at best.
DED: Working him Chaotic Evil, as is her nature.
>>even Zelda had to admit that as soon as she saw her true form that the Twili princess looked very regal.
Zelda: Pfah, more like “barely regal.”
Rauru: That...okay I could make a really offensive Asian joke but I’m just going to obliquely insert it into our heads, like this.
Link: Oh, I get it, so, like, “ooooh, me a pulincess but me barery regal, me rove you rong time!”
Rauru: Dammit Link!
>>But now she just looked like a bratty little bitch.
DED: I dunno, she is a bratty little bitch, but she looks like a weird gangly cone-headed motherfucker with that fuckass inscrutable hair-pin-head-ornament thing she wears.
>>Nor was she content to just use that mouth.
Zelda: She is perpetually discontent, forever seeking in vain to quieten the howling bitter emptiness in her soul.
>>While she was slurping up and down his member,
Link: Well we’re slurpin’ on uuuuup! (Sluuuurpin’ on up!) To the East Side!
>>she reached for the top of her robes, baring her giant blue hooters.
Rauru: The largest of the hooter species, known for its brilliant azure plumage.
>>She brought her mouth up to the top of his prick and sucked on the sensitive end like she was nibbling on a fine piece of fruit.
Link: Okay okay hold up, there is a pretty big difference between “sucking” and “nibbling.”
>>After the way she was swallowing his member whole, that expert teasing was driving him crazy.
Zelda: It takes 10,000 hours of experience to be an expert in teasing.
Rauru: So that means she sucked, what...45,000 dicks? Given an average dick-teasing duration of roughly 13 minutes each?
>>But that wasn't the worst of it.
DED: Oh, I’m sure.
>>She would change the rate she was sucking on the head of his penis,
Link: ...Is that the worst of it...?
>>sometimes going really slow just to torture him and then quickly speeding things up again only to slow down once more.
Zelda: ...Fascinating.
>>Link felt on the cusp of a climax
DED: You know what they say, “cusp” spelled backwards is “psuc.” And that’s just what she’s doing. Psucing his bdic.
>>more than once but she somehow managed to keep him from spurting his load at the last minute,
Rauru: I think we need a more granular timescale than “minutes” when it comes to orgasm control.
>>he always wanted more.
Link: There must be more to life than slaying monsters and princess sloppy...
>>He was going to get more.
Zelda: Spoiler alert.
>>While she was slowing down on blowing him to the point of almost agony,
Link: Every moment in which I’m not getting a blowjob is agony. I must have continuous blowjobs to live. No, really.
>>she grabbed her breasts and wrapped them around his shaft which was aching with need after being deprived the sweetness of her wet mouth eating it like before.
DED: Well THAT sure is a sentence composed in more or less the English language.
>>Link was already sensitive
Rauru: Facts don’t care about your feelings, soyboy snowflake.
>>but her using those tits
Link: ...WHICH tits?!
>>of hers
Link: OH! That explains it.
>>on him was his breaking point,
Zelda: Hold on, I thought Point Break was that Keanu movie with surfers.
>>they were so big and full and she was moving them up and down.
DED: Wow, yeah, that really is going above and beyond.
>>Zelda was seething.
Rauru: Coping, malding, crashing out...
Zelda: Oh no no no. You’ll know when I crash out. All the world will know when I crash out.
Link: You’re saying you’ve NEVER actually gotten as angry as it is possible for you to get...?
Zelda: Hahahaha. AHAHAHAHA.
>>She was unable to turn her face away from the lewd scene before her.
DED: Didja know that owls’ famously extensive head-turning is necessary because their eyeballs are actually elongated tubes and can’t rotate within the socket, so they have to move their entire head if they want to pan their vision? Just throwing out that fun little turning-facing-awaying fact, here.
Rauru: Aw man, my dream of being side-eyed by an owl just bit the dust.
>>It was bad enough being forcefully left out, Link had clearly made his choice.
Link: I haven’t made ANY fucking choices! The only choices I ever get are “do this quest” or “don’t!”
>>Midna had made her choice too
DED: And what about Sophie’s Choice?
>>and she was somehow able to stare right into her eyes while still giving the hero real good head.
Link: I’m a real cool heeeeeead, I’m makin’ real good breaaaaad!
>>And her face twisted with irritation when she saw Midna's head jerk up and Link make a really loud scream just then and there.
Rauru: See? I knew he would live to regret this.
>>She knew even before his cum leaked out of her lips what happened.
Zelda: ...My lips...?
>>Link himself just was really sensitive,
DED: Also, did you know that “sentient” means “able to sense sensations,” and is commonly but erroneously substituted for “sapient,” which means “capable of human-like thought?” Just another little tidbit related to sensitivity that certainly doesn’t drive me into a grossly disproportionate persnickety nerd rage all the fucking time.
>>but all Zelda could think in her anger was that Midna knew how to suck a dick like a champ.
Zelda: Maybe she’s the champion of her dimension’s dick-sucking championship, but ‘round THESE parts the standards are MUCH higher I’ll have you know.
>>Midna took his cock out of her mouth, his cum leaking out of her mouth and down her blue chin.
Rauru: Isn’t it more of a creamy-turquoise color?
DED: Well it’s definitely “creamy” NOW...
>>She licked her face clean of his jizz and moaned at his delicious taste before she stuck her tongue out at the other princess, showing all his spooge on it.
Rauru: You’re just wallowing in it, now. Show some professionalism.
>>Link himself was still a little more excited during all of it, just as she thought he was spent, Link's cock spurted out several more loads of semen,
Link: That’s right, never let ‘em guess your next move.
>>all over her face and on her breasts.
Zelda: “All over” her face, but merely “on” her breasts? Well THAT tells you everything you need to know about the cum-dispersal statistics.
DED: Which is...
Zelda: ...Nothing.
>>Midna was hardly bothered by it and wiped what she could off her face
Rauru: The cum, dead skin cells, stray hairs, detached eyelashes...
>>before taking each of her big hooters into her mouth
Link: ...into her mouth...?
>>and licked them clean of all that jizz.
Zelda: Come on babe, why don’t we paint the town...and all that jizz! I’m gonna rouge my knees and roll my stockings down...and all that jizz! Start the car, I know a whoopee spot, where the gin is cold, but the piano’s hot! It’s just a noisy hall, where there’s a nightly brawl, and all...that...JIIIII-IIIIIIII-IIIIIIZZ!
>>She fluttered loudly while eating her tears,
DED: ...What the FUCK...?
>>closing her eyes in satisfaction and looking back at the other princess.
Rauru: Looking, with...eyes...closed.
>>Link had finally calmed down and was only laying there,
DED: He’s resisting arrest! OFFICER DOWN! *blam blam blam blam*
>>sighing deeply from getting such an awesome blowjob.
Link: *SIIIIIIIIIIIGH* The sheer banality of it all...
>>Zelda's face flared up so bad,
Rauru: Get some Clearasil.
>>at Midna taunting her like that, at Link cumming so fast, everything.
Zelda: The taunts, the cum, the budget deficit, the way those contractors jacked up the price for the palace renovations after giving me a different estimate, the Mariners choking in the ALDS, it’s just...EVERYTHING!
>>But then a smile appeared on her face.
DED: Painted on, I suppose.
Zelda: I should get a KN95 mask with a smile drawn on it, to hide my perpetual scowl and protect me from God-knows-what exotic extraplanar diseases Midna carries.
>>"You're just the help on his journey," Zelda said to Midna.
Link: The.......“help.”
>>"I'm going to claim the real Triforce of Courage and...ride him as you said," she said, almost giggling at the prospects.
Rauru: These prospects are a joke! We need to fire our talent scout.
>>The arrogance on Midna's face barely began to vanish
DED: In fact, it didn’t, at all, ever.
>>before Zelda turned herself around
Zelda: ...that’s what it’s all about!
>>and wiggled her ass in front of Link.
Link: What could it mean...?
>>She was actually dressed as a royal princess should be,
Rauru: You could have stopped with “She was actually dressed.”
>>but that didn't make her any less erotic of a woman.
Zelda: I’m telling you, Midna’s mostly-naked approach is what crass brainlets do. Power is the greatest aphrodisiac, and my luxurious raiment is inherently sexier than pasties and a G-string. The lack of sexualization in my outfit is what’s sexy about it, the denial and concealment makes the underlying princess infinitely more desirable.
>>Especially with the way she was tempting him with that derriere, she had a big sexy ass and that tight dress of hers accentuated it perfectly.
DED: That’s fine and all but what’s her actual political platform?
>>She was flatter than Midna, but she more than made up for it with her behind.
Zelda: Why are we always powerscaling my tits?! And why am I always flat?!?! If you’re just making up physiques for your wank fantasy why are you acting like you have a limited number of stat points to distribute between tits and ass?
DED: I mean, yeah, it’s like, did you see Baldur’s Gate 3? Every video game character has those industry-standard “sensible B-and-a-half-cups” by default anyway. Except for the goonerbait gatchaslop ones.
Link: And also like, Master Chief.
DED: Yeah okay not “every video game character.”
Rauru: I think Kirby deserves a pair of sensible B-cups.
>>Link was just staring at those delicious butt melons of hers.
Zelda: Oh I’m aware.
>>He was looking at her tush in a trance, mesmerized by her lovely ass.
Link: It’s a real snake-charmer alright.
>>Then she looked back at him with a sinister grin not unlike the one on Midna's face
DED: I guess she used lipstick to get the same purple-blue-lips effect.
Rauru: Or hypothermia.
Zelda: Or cyanosis.
>>and suddenly hiked up her skirt
Link: Unfortunately she was trapped by an unexpected blizzard and had to eat her traveling companions to survive.
>>all the way up to her hips, revealing her luscious thighs and naked shapely ass underneath.
Zelda: My ass is...underneath my thighs...? No...?
>>His eyes widened, for someone so prim and proper she was wearing a thong, a silky thong so very appropriate for royalty,
DED: Exactly! A prim and proper thong!
Zelda: The very model of a modern maiden’s lingerie!
>>but a thong all the same and he loved it.
Rauru: Would not a thong by any other name smell as sweat?
>>He loved it more when she slammed that legendary booty right on his face.
Link: What kind of legends, anyway?
DED: Oh, you know, the Iliass and the Odassy, Bae’o’wulf, King Arthass and the Knights of the Round Dumper, the Bhagavad Gitass...
Zelda: Oh the legend lives on, from the Chippewa on down, of that big ass they call Bitchy-Booty...
>>The legendary hero was shocked at first,
Link: Wait am I as legendary as Zelda’s butt, or more? Or less?
Rauru: Well the series is called The Legend of Zeldass.
>>he couldn't believe Zelda's butt was this big and this soft
Zelda: ...The hell were you expecting? Do you think I spend all that time sitting on a throne on a flat, bony ass?
DED: You need a cushion for the pushin’ and a coverin’ for the governin’.
>>and he rubbed his face all over it while Zelda sighed happily having her ass worshipped like that.
Zelda: I ask for so little...
>>But after blowing his load down Midna's throat, he recovered his composure and reaching up her skirt, tore down her panties and shoved his face deeper in there.
Link: Mr. Gorbachev, tear down these panties!
DED: Hey so, what the fuck is the point of the “But” at the start of this sentence?
>>Zelda got an evil look on her mug
Rauru: I thought her mug had “World’s Best Princess” on it.
Zelda: The evil look is on the opposite side.
>>as she looked back down on Midna. Link's cum was dripping out of her mouth as she could only watch, speechless,
Link: But not cumless.
DED: Well, for now. It’s dripping out, you see.
>>the Hyrule princess sitting on his face and rubbing her donk all over him.
Zelda: Scent-marking him.
Link: ...I’ll take it.
>>Midna felt stupid,
Rauru: Looked stupid, acted stupid...
>>she had only gotten Link off, but she wasn't getting her own needs met. Zelda on the other hand
DED: Well, on the other face and tongue.
>>was having herself one hell of a time, his tongue was flicking deep in that pussy.
Rauru: Are they just...hanging around outdoors? By the magic portal mirror thingy?
>>And Link was enjoying it plenty himself. As he was eating her out, he was getting stiff all over again.
Link: AAAH AAAH OOOOW OOOOWW CHARLIE HORSE CHARLIE HORSE AAAAAAAHHHHH
>>Even though he just came, he was rising back up,
DED: Back on the streets! Hangin’ tough, stayin’ horny!
>>and he needed more. But his current attention was for the woman right on top of his face,
Zelda: Damn right it is.
Rauru: Hard NOT for it to be, I think.
>>he was holding onto her thighs and inhaling that wet pussy on top of him.
Link: I’m gonna choke to death on pussy...but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
>>Zelda also got a little bitchy herself.
Zelda: I have many little bitchies, in fact, wrapped around my finger and dancing to my symphony of lies.
Link: Oh man, I’d hate to be one of those.
>>Still riding Link's face like a champ,
Rauru: A...horse-racing champ, I suppose?
DED: She might be riding Link’s face like a Scrabble champ, but that doesn’t seem all that relevant.
>>she looked right back at Midna. The Twili woman couldn't find the strength to look smug,
Zelda: ...Is she DEAD?
Link: I’m pretty sure she’d look smug even as a corpse.
>>and she knew she'd look like a fool if she tried to fake it.
Rauru: Or if she didn’t.
DED: I think those weird rigid strips of hair that flank the top of her head are a strong contributing factor.
>>More than just seeing Zelda having the upper hand now,
Zelda: ...The grass was getting really itchy on her naked asscheeks at this point.
>>what really pissed off Midna was that she knew the other princess getting her pussy directly eaten out,
DED: As opposed to by proxy.
Link: I usually do it over a VPN. (Virtual Pussy Noshing)
>>she was getting off on her turn of the hero way more than she had.
Rauru: Well who’s to blame for that?
>>She had given Link a blowjob with nothing in return.
Link: Aside from the life-saving interventions and getting her the pieces of her stupid overpowered hat and reassembling her stupid mirror and freeing her from her horrible curse, but yeah, sure, nothing in return other than THAT.
>>Still, that pecker wood of his standing up even as it dripped with cum was giving her so many ideas.
DED: Just like when Archimedes realized the property of buoyancy when he got a boner in the bathtub and cried “Eurika!”
>>And she had already gotten a taste of it with one mouth.
Zelda: That’s plenty, right?
>>She figured she should find out how good it tasted with her other mouth.
Rauru: I...I think we should probably be grateful that our genitals don’t have taste buds.
Link: Midna is an extradimensional freak, who KNOWS what her gooch can do.
>>That idea was interrupted by Zelda suddenly letting out a whorish moan and Midna knew she just came.
Zelda: That’s me, waging psychological warfare and disrupting my enemies’ concentration even while in the grips of orgasm. Like they say, ABC: Always Be Conspiring.
>>That didn't bother her one bit.
DED: I certainly don’t care.
Rauru: It’s not exactly an unexpected shock or anything.
>>While the princess of Hyrule was enjoying herself and not paying attention to anything save her own pleasure,
Zelda: OR SO YOU THINK.
>>the Twili princess sat herself down all the way right on top of Link's erect dick.
Link: All the right top down up down top all the way to the right top of my dick.
>>Zelda was still immersed in her orgasmic bliss when she opened her eyes and saw a grinning Midna only a few feet away from her.
DED: Jesus Christ, how horrifying.
Rauru: Jumpscare! Humpscare!
>>That snapped her out of her state of ecstasy. Midna was humping Link's pecker from the get go
Link: The what when? She just started humping just now! “The get go” was like five pages ago!
>>and with the way she was staring right at Zelda.
Zelda: ...With the way she was staring right at Zelda WHAT?!?
>>She was just starting to get into that orgasm
DED: Oh yeah I’ve been meaning to get into that orgasm, it’s in my backlog, I always mean to check out different orgasms but I just keep rewatching my comfort orgasms instead, plus I’ve just been so busy lately...
>>and now the little gremlin had to go and ruin it.
Zelda: She really did, it’s like a compulsion. A deep, abiding sickness.
>>Her mouth was wide open with her tongue hanging out and her tits were flopping up and down
Rauru: And her shoelaces were untied and her shirt was on inside-out and there was a big booger halfway out of her nose.
Zelda: Sounds more like a typical Link morning, actually.
>>with how roughly she was humping Link. Zelda looked away and Midna just rode Link's face harder,
DED: That’s wrong. But who cares?
Link: You do, apparently.
DED: Damn right I do! Remember who’s fucking what and where from moment to moment in your prose!
>>trying to settle back into that same level of pleasure.
Zelda: Occupying the ground pleasure state in accordance with the laws of quantum pleasure.
DED: Heh heh heh...“degenerate eigenstate...”
>>On the other hand, Midna wasn't going to make that easy for her.
Rauru: The fuck was the first hand?!
>>She moaned loudly right in front of Zelda's face and she knew she was making the other woman uncomfortable.
Link: Fully intentional.
DED: Premeditated. With malice aforethought.
Link: A four thot? Yeah that sounds about right.
Rauru: C’mon, Midna is at least a five thot. It’s just her personality that’s ugly.
>>Zelda turned her head and glared at her, but she was going to wish she hadn't.
Zelda: “Was going to?” As if I didn’t already?
>>Midna was keen to capitalize on this situation
Link: Keen to Capitalize on this Situation.
>>and grabbing Zelda's face with both hands, shoved her tongue inside.
DED: See, what’d I tell ya? Always at least bisexual, sometimes fully lesbian.
Zelda: Hold on, she shoved her tongue “inside my face?”
>>Zelda made a muffled sound and tried to get away but with Midna wasn't having it at all.
Rauru: Midna doesn’t have it, can’t have it, won’t have it. I will stop her from having it at all costs.
>>She just stirred her tongue in there that much more.
Link: One “muffled sound and tried to get away” more.
>>Zelda still resisted but then she suddenly felt a pang of lust from Midna forcing that kiss on her,
Zelda: What a pang in the lass.
>>and before she knew it she wasn't fighting her back as she should have.
DED: Well at least they admit that she should have.
>>While that tongue was deep in her mouth, Link's tongue was still flicking inside her pussy, she was totally overpowered.
Rauru: Totally OP! Nerf dis shit!
Zelda: I might appear to be overpowered, but really, I deserve to be overpowered compared to the common rabble.
>>Midna rode Link even harder. The hero's body was jerking up a bit,
Link: Well there’s yer problem. Should probably get a few ratchet straps and maybe some shock-absorbing bushings.
>>she savored in knowing just how much control she had over both Hylians.
Zelda: Oh, whoops, in my throes of ecstasy I accidentally fired off a bolt of magical energy that shattered the twilight mirror into a million pieces, I guess you’re TRAPPED HERE for ALL ETERNITY.
>>She let go of Zelda and there was no longer any sign of the standoffish princess,
Rauru: Only a cloud of dust in the shape of her body where she had previously been.
>>instead she was riding Link's face too and crying out, a dark blush coating her face.
DED: So uh, when you blush very intensely, you’re usually described as being “bright” red. A “dark blush” is just...blackface...or asphyxia...
>>Midna suggestively played with her tits on her own.
Zelda: Good, go away, play by yourself.
>>But she wasn't expecting what happened next.
Rauru: She Baked An Egg In An Avocado. What Happened Next Will Blow Your Tits Clean Off
>>Zelda couldn't help but be distracted by the Twili playing with her hooters.
Zelda: Sure I could. No force in the universe can distract the bearer of the Triforce of Wisdom, with the possible exception of—
Link: —Say, hypothetically, what if a certain elfin and incorrigible hero happened to have spilled grape soda all over a certain princess’s priceless—
Zelda: —GOD DAMMIT!
>>The nasty kiss that was forced upon her, Link still eating her out, it was putting her reason to the flame
DED: Her reason to live, more like.
>>and all she could think about was what how drop dead gorgeous Midna was.
Link: What? How?! Drop dead gorgeous?!? Midna?!?!?!?
>>Those tits looked good enough to eat.
Rauru: I wouldn’t, though. Midna’s tits are just baaaaaaaarely not food.
DED: How about tits, the bird?
Rauru: Oh, sure, I’d eat those! Tits, boobies, coots...toss ‘em on the grill!
>>Midna was distracted in her own reverie this time, Link's dick was just so good, when her ecstasy was interrupted by Zelda eating her chest.
Zelda: YOU’VE GOT HUGE TITS! THAT MUST MEAN YOU HAVE HUGE GUTS! RIP AND TEAR!
>>She didn't even know what it was at first
Link: Perhaps some kind of local predator species or maybe a poltergeist.
>>but then she looked down and saw what was happening.
DED: Mmm, that does often help.
>>She came the instant she recognized it was Zelda sucking her knockers,
Rauru: “Knockersucker” sounds like an insult a boxer from the 1910s would say.
>>and a horribly embarrassing groan escaped her lips.
Zelda: Really. That’s what’s horribly embarrassing about this whole thing. Okay.
>>That only prompted Zelda to get more naughty.
Link: The prompt was, “Determine ways to increase the naughtiness of the current situation.”
>>She was only sucking Midna's breasts at first, but after hearing that love cry, got a little more creative with the way she was working those hooters.
DED: Started working with metals, cloth, pastels, incorporating found objects into the collage...
>>Eager to regain her dominance, she mixed things up with her teeth and tongue,
Zelda: Oops, I mixed things up, I brushed my tongue and held my teeth.
>>tormenting the other woman as she wished.
Rauru: Oh that Zelda, always tormenting those whom she wishes tormented.
Zelda: Sometimes I don’t have time to do it personally, but the shirtless dude with a black sack mask on his head is still tormenting according to my wishes.
>>She knew Midna was getting off on it too, there was no other reason her nipples were getting so hard in her mouth.
DED: It’s a hard scientific fact.
>>Eventually Midna couldn't take it anymore and weakly held onto Zelda.
Link: “I can’t take it anymore, I simply MUST weakly hold on to you!” she cried.
>>Still riding Link, she was a shaking mess,
Rauru: Oh, that reminds me, Link, thanks for trying to make that Jell-o project happen. I was looking forward to it, until it breached containment and engulfed a town.
Link: Yeah, it was just a matter of the diverted course of the river and the way the Jell-o powder behaved when...
>>just doing it as best she could.
Zelda: Just do your best and take a rest and whistle while you twerk!
>>Zelda chuckled to herself and tilted her chin to look up at her, and they started making out again, hard.
DED: On Hard Mode there are more traps and enemies that spawn, and a -40% malus to arousal buildup.
Link: Honestly it’s not that fun or even challenging because the only way to win is to cheese it with broken builds and glitches.
>>The three of them were locked in a trinity of sheer euphoria.
Zelda: Ahh, yes, and who holds the key? Mwahahahahaha, who indeed?
>>Link was feeling it too.
Rauru: Art thou feeling it now, Mr. Krabs?
>>Two royal pussies,
DED: ...and a rabbi, walk into a bar...
>>he loved the feel of the one and the taste of the other.
Zelda: Too bad he was tasting the one he likes the feel of and feeling the one he likes the taste of.
Rauru: Beggars can’t be choosers.
>>Even with his vision obscured by Zelda's big ass, he could tell by the feel of their bodies moving on top of him that something was going on.
Link: “Something is going on,” yup. I’ve determined that to a fairly high degree of certainty.
>>The sounds they were making were pretty telling too, and he only got into it that much more, intending to fuck them up good.
DED: Well, sorry about your fucked-up vaginas, ladies.
>>The three of them were writhing around faster and faster.
Rauru (like a techno song): Writhing writhing writhing writhing writhing-writhing-writhing-writhing writhingwrithingwrithingwrithing WRIWRIWRIWRI WRIWRIWRIWRIWRI—dzooowwwuuummmmmm (that’s the drop)
>>Then he lost it.
Zelda: Oh boy, lemme tell ya, I think he lost it long before I even met him.
>>He bust his nut inside of Midna's pussy, releasing his thick deep inside of her.
Link: No! My thick! I was saving that!
Zelda: Oh GOD, does that mean Midna is now as thick as Link?
>>She broke away from Zelda to scream at the top of her lungs in a state of climax,
DED: The breakaway state of climax was not recognized by the international community and was swiftly reconquered by the motherland, ending the insurgency.
>>and the sight of her so defeated pushed the princess of Hyrule to her own orgasms.
Zelda: Hell yeah. What is hottest in life? To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the orgasms of their women.
>>Link just continued servicing the both of them,
Rauru: Charging an outrageous markup, no doubt.
Zelda: Every time I go in for a service they always find some expensive problem that needs to be fixed!
>>pumping inside Midna and still eating Zelda.
Link: Pumping and eating and writhing and nutting, what a day I’m having.
>>Zelda smiled in victory at her rival.
Zelda: And now, the looting and pillaging.
>>Only for her face to smart like she had gotten stung by something when
DED: ...something stung her.
Zelda: Uh oh, did I remember to get that malaria prophylaxis before I went on this trip...?
>>Link's tongue hit inside of her twat just right.
Rauru: Meowth, twat’s right!
>>She grit her teeth before moaning softly,
Link: What if she did it the other way around, huh? What if she moaned SOFTLY before gritting her TEETH? Wouldn’t that just be FUCKED? Isn’t that INSANE?!?
>>an orgasm washing over her.
Zelda: Uh, I’m going to have to do some actual washing at some point soon.
>>The effects of that cunnilingus were nowhere near as harsh as that cock and cum messing up Midna,
DED: Harsh? That’s a bit harsh.
>>but he had licked on her g-spot just right and then he wasn't stopping.
Rauru: Lick on, my friend. Lick on.
>>She threw her head back, letting out a series of moans before she actually fell right off his face,
Zelda: Gaah sudden attack of sideways gravity!
>>twitching in ecstasy.
Link: Ah, TwitchCon.
>>Lying there, Link just licked his lips of all that pussy juice
Rauru: As for me, I think I’ll lick my lips of all this clotted cream.
DED: You’re just drinking straight clotted cream from the bottle?
Rauru: C’mon man that is like a 2 out of 10 on the Rauru scale.
>>before he grinned ear to ear, baring his teeth in triumph.
Zelda: Have we ever done an actual triumph for you? You know, build a huge parade float for you to ride, chain up a bunch of prisoners of war and march ‘em around, let you decapitate the captured enemy general with a broadsword in the town square...could be fun.
>>After that experience, Midna returned to the Twilight Realm.
Rauru: After having multi-orgasmic sex with the champions of Hyrule, she decided to leave, immediately.
>>The mirror was not destroyed this time around as she had unfinished business to attend to back in the land of Hyrule.
DED: Okay, sure, we’ll just have this unsecured portal to another dimension leaking twilight radiation and letting monsters in and out, but it’s worth it, so Midna can have her sloppy seconds.
>>Namely, to get her vengeance on that Zelda bitch.
Zelda: COME THEN AND PERISH BY MY HAND!
>>And so it was that every year the three of them would meet up and fuck each other's brains out.
Link: It was so hard to get our brains back in, since we didn’t have brains, that by the time we managed to do it, it was already sex time again.
>>A scoreboard was kept,
Zelda: They’re powerscaling my tits again! They’re stat-tracking my goonch! What, do I get a sexual Elo rating?
Rauru: I thought they were just having casual sex, but it turns out they were having ranked competitive sex.
>>but after the first couple years, they stopped making marks and just found excuses to go all out on each other.
DED: So they...made a silly excuse to fuck each other...but then...stopped, and...started finding excuses to fuck each other.
>>Such was the joy of victory.
Zelda: VAE VICTIS! O’s to the conquered!
Link: Why you gotta be so intense all the time, babe?
Zelda: No complaining mister, unless you want me to “watch” some Light Arrows up YOUR ass until you can’t think straight.
Rauru: Yeah, she’ll fuck ya until you’re no longer a sentient being.
DED: ...SAPIENT!!!
