"My Life Is Yours" by YuriLover567

In the not-too distant future,

Somewhere on the Internet,

Lurked a crazy rambling author

no one could just quite forget,

Lotsa weirdos enjoyed all the jokes he made

Nutty fans and Anons pestered him in spades,

They came up with a plan to put 'im back in his place,

So they warped him through his e-mail and they shot him into space

We’ll send him crappy fanfics,

The worst we can find, (la la la!)

He’ll have to sit and read them all

And we’ll monitor his mind

Now keep in mind he can’t control

When the fics begin or end

He’ll try to keep his sanity

With the help of his character friends:

Random Roll Call!

Pictograph Guy! “Fuck the scrapers!”

Rauru! “Live deliciously!”

Zelda! “The gentle touch of an iron fist!”

Link! “It’s Morbin’ time!”

If you don’t get how he stays alive

Or other technicalities,

Just bear in mind that I don’t care

So don’t bother asking, please

On Random Silly Theater 3000!

“My Life Is Yours” by YuriLover567

>>The battle was over.

DED: NEVER! I’ll never stop battling horny fanfics!

Rauru: Here, here!

Link: There, there!

DED: Stay alive! Whatever may occur! I will mock you!

Zelda: Yeah! I got my bottle fulla bub, I got my slatted shades, I’m fully moisturized and I scored some Adderall, I’m fuckin’ ready!

>>After one hundred years, Calamity Ganon had finally fallen.

Rauru: Really slow-paced boss fight, gotta be honest.

>>The Hero known as Link, who had once nearly fallen himself all of those years ago,

Link: Whoops, banana peel!

>>had come back to slay the Calamity and restore the long-awaited peace to Hyrule.

Zelda: Eventually.

>>Most importantly of all, though,

DED: ...sales were through the roof!

>>he had rescued Zelda from her century-long imprisonment,

Rauru: Paroled with extreme prejudice.

>>just as he had promised to the King and their fallen comrades.

Link: MAH GHOST, that peace is what I’ll true warrior strive FOR!

>>She was finally safe from the evils of Ganon.

Zelda: Rape, murder, identity theft, shitposting, salami slicing (the financial crime), genocide, torture, salami slicing (of actual meats)...his evils were many and various.

Rauru: CURSE his salami-disrespecting ass!

>>The healing process was far from over, of course.

Link: I think we’re supposed to gain closure by forgiving Ganon for his wrongs, but he makes that hard by constantly coming back with more wrongs.

>>There was a century of scars that had yet to be mended,

DED: But first: hard-core pornography.

>>and rebuilding the kingdom would be a long and arduous task for the both of them.

Zelda: ...and it ain’t me who’s gonna leeeeeeave!

>>There was so much to do, and seemingly little time for it.

Rauru: We got sequels to make! Spin-offs to spin off! Forget the long painful rebuilding process, assume that shit sorts itself out on its own off-camera! Go! Go! Win more symbolic personal victories against endlessly recurrent evil without promulgating any permanent systemic change!

>>But, right now, there was no greater comfort for Link than having Zelda right behind him, her arms wrapped around his waist as they rode on his horse together.

Link: Maybe a fruity cocktail would slightly enhance the comfort, too, but I’m not picky.

>>At that moment, all of the worries of the future were effectively in the back of Link's mind.

DED: Zelda, being the only thing he has to worry about now, is located at the back of where his mind nominally resides.

>>"We're nearing Hateno Village," Link told Zelda

Zelda: GOD, stop INFODUMPING like that!

>>as the entrance of the quiet farming town started to appear overhead.

Rauru: The town is in the sky...?

DED: Wrong game!

>>"It's the largest Hylian Village in Hyrule, and since I already have a house here, it should be easy to settle in here for you, Princess."

Link: “Yeah I’ll introduce you to my real estate agent. Good luck with your house-hunting, I’m off, bye!”

>>"A house?

Zelda: “What’s that?”

Link: “It’s like, uh...a really really small castle made mostly of wood.”

Zelda: “Ugh, ew, yuck, who’d want that?”

>>You actually found the time to purchase a house?"

Rauru: “You actually know how you sign your name...?”

>>Zelda asked, curious.

DED: “Yeah well the interest rates were down, what with the global catastrophe and all, I managed to snag a 15 year mortgage, 6.8% APR, though I’m thinking if I can leverage my HELOC and invest in a few other properties I might...”

>>While it was true that,

Link: True dat.

>>even when she was holding back Calamity Ganon, she had dutifully watched her beloved knight fight to free the Divine Beasts and their fallen comrades' spirits,

Zelda: I’ll take my spirits neat, thanks.

>>there were a few moments where her concentration was forced to lapse, so there were more than a few gaps in her memory. This must have been one of them.

Rauru: I can’t reeeeally blame her for zoning out while Link was doing the walk-through, setting up the closing date, meeting with the homeowner’s association...

>>"Well, after freeing the Divine Beasts, I returned to Hateno Village to restock my supplies and consider what to do next.

Link: “Then before I knew it there were these people with these pieces of paper and they started saying all these big words and put a quill in my hand...”

>>It was when I was doing that when I noticed that a nearby house was being torn down, and…

DED: “...Well, that’s how I came to live in this pile of rubble. Hop in, I’ll show you around!”

>>Well, I was compelled to buy it and restore it."

Link: “Can’t...resist...must...invest...must...create...generational...wealth...!”

>>Link looked a little bashful as he explained the situation to Zelda,

Rauru: “I’m ashamed of the aluminum siding on my property...I simply must get a power-washer out here soon...”

>>as if he was trying to rationalize having downtime during his quest.

DED: Wasting time? Meandering around without any particular sense of urgency? In Breath of the Tears of the Wild Kingdom, of all games? Well I never.

>>"Well, technically it was Bolson and his crew that did all of the work.

Zelda: Well what the hell am I doing riding bitch here on your steed, if HE was the one who saved the world and rescued me?!

Link: Yooooou know you want me, babyyy!

>>I just paid them and ordered them around."

Zelda: “OH! Now you’re speaking my language.”

>>Link chuckled. "But that also led me to help Hudson build Tarrey Town. I should take you to see it. It's a lovely and peaceful place."

Rauru: “Last I checked...”

>>"I see… I suppose a visit would certainly be in order, then.

Zelda: “I guess I should survey my dominion after a century of decay, if I gotta govern again, I guess...”

>>If you helped build this Tarrey Town, then I'm sure it is a wonderful place."

Rauru: “Or...uh...a place. I’m sure it’s a place.”

>>Zelda replied, giving the knight a slow nod.

DED: I guess Tarrey Town is a “City of Love,” just like the song by the band Yes. And given this is a porn story, so are we!

Zelda: What the hell are you talking about, why?!

DED: Because...we’ll be WAAAAAAITING FOR THE KNIGHT we’ll be WAAAAITING FOR THE KNIGHT TOOoo CU— *interrupted by sounds of ultra-violence*

Link: I will BEAT that joke RIGHT OUT OF YOUR BRAIN!

Rauru: CURSE YOOOOOU!

DED: ...urgh...*gurgle*...once bitten twice shy, no no regrets at all...

Zelda: GAAAAAHHH! *more beatings*

>>She knew Link to not be a wasteful person,

Link: Yep. I’ve never wasted a single thing. Money, time, property...

Zelda: ...So is that a tacit admission that it was you who built that giant catapult on my roof by stringing together a hundred pairs of elastic underpants?

Link: Yeah, of course. Like I was saying, I never waste anything, I only ever improve it.

DED: Like you had to ask.

>>so if he was devoting his resources to renovating a house, then that was definitely a good thing.

Rauru: Yeah, sure, as opposed to him devoting his resources to becoming a crack dealer or something, I guess.

>>As she said that, though, a sigh escaped her lips as she pressed herself deeper against Link's back.

DED: ...Or maybe it’s not a good thing...

>>"Um… The houses weren't constructed entirely of stone, were they?"

Zelda: “*SIIIIIIGH* Building materials...how banal...”

>>"No. Hudson constructed the buildings from wood.

Link: “Wood is what trees become after you whack them enough.”

>>I had to gather bundles of the stuff for him,

Rauru: You know, “the stuff.”

>>so I would know better than anyone.

Zelda: “What about actual lumberjac—”

Link: “—No.”

Zelda: “Carpenters?”

Link: “NO!”

Zelda: “How ‘bout literal forester—”

Link: “—BETTER than ANYONE!”

>>Besides, Hudson would never make anything low quality."

DED: HudsonSoft’s got a pretty decent rep, sure, but I dunno about sweeping proclamations like that...

>>Link explained, earning a relieved sigh from Zelda,

Rauru: What a relief, knowing...whatever it is he was getting at...

>>who had grown long tired of staring at them for so long.

DED: ...Buh?

Zelda: Look, I’ve never done this ground-level rulership stuff before. Should I be inspecting the buildings? Or, like, burning people alive? Should we hang some witches?

Rauru: Stick to the buildings.

>>As he said that, though, the two of them finally neared Hateno Village itself.

Link: I Hate no Village either. They’re all fine and lovely.

Rauru: Or maybe the founders Hated that there was no Village here, so they made one.

>>The village's gate guard looked up to greet Link, though his eyes went a little wide as he saw his female passenger.

DED: While its guard was distracted, the gate went on a rampage and killed several children.

>>The two of them finally entered the village,

Zelda: Okay, where are the inbred freaks and the wicker men? Should I roll around in the dirt now, or will it just happen to me naturally?

>>where Link hopped off of his horse.

Rauru: “Hateno,” derived from an ancient phrase meaning “where Link hopped off his horse.”

>>"It seems like the villagers are taking notice to you, Princess."

DED: What, serving her a subpoena?

Zelda: Maaaan, I was looking forward to a BREAK from people taking notices to me. I’ve been notarizing like mad ever since I got back!

>>Link said as he helped Zelda down, and true to his word,

Link: My word is “splurgiff.” It means “the ineffable creative joy derived from building underwear catapults and shooting watermelons across the landscape.”

DED: Is it named after the sounds the watermelons make on impact?

Link: Got it in one!

Zelda: So THAT’s what ruined my vodka-melon ambitions!

Link: Look toots, I got way more splurgiff from launching them than the joy you would get eating boozy melon flesh.

Zelda: I’ll splur YOUR giff and eat YOUR flesh!!!

>>the various residents of Hateno seemed to stop whatever they were doing to look at Zelda, as if they were seeing a ghost.

Rauru: “Seemed,” “as if,” we got a real epistemic crisis brewing here.

>>"So it would seem."

DED: You’re right! Everything is seeming, material existence has no absolute reality! What is this Simulacra and Simulation-ass world?!

Zelda: Uh, a video game?

DED: Oh yeah, that is pretty Baudrillardian.

>>Cautiously, Zelda spread her

Link: Finally!

>>gaze

Link: ...Oh.

>>towards the gathering townsfolk, who appeared to be swiftly growing in number as word of their arrival spread.

Rauru: Dividing exponentially like bacteria.

>>Normally, being in front of a crowd didn't usually rattle her so much,

Zelda: Front, back, sides, all good.

>>having stood before dozens, hundreds even,

Link: Billions! TRILLIONS!

>>many times back before the Calamity began. And yet, now of all times,

Rauru: When psoriasis flares up at the most inconvenient moments...!

>>she found her confidence waning

DED: Crescent or gibbous?

>>at both the crowd's bewildered stares and the renewed realization that a full century had passed since Hyrule had last seen her.

Link: UMMMMM your FASHION??? So tacky and out of date?????

>>"Incredible…

Rauru: ...edible...

>>It's been so long, and yet… Hyrule still remembers me.

Zelda: A hundred years is...really not that long as far as the memory of history goes.

DED: Okay, but if, say, Calvin Coolige showed up in a small town in America today, I don’t think he’d get recognized en masse.

Zelda: Well what if I’m like a million times hotter and cuter and more memorable than Calvin Coolige, ever consider THAT?!

DED: That’s not very hard to be, to be fair.

>>Remembers us."

Link: Well, yes, they remember me because I...live here.

>>Zelda breathed out, placing a hand to her chest in an attempt to soothe her frantic nerves.

Rauru: The chest-nerves in particular, I imagine.

>>Link, noticing how nervous the Princess was getting from the growing crowd, gently placed his arm around Zelda's shoulder and held her close to him.

Link: “Mine! MINE! Back the fuck off, yokels! Legendary knight of time and space over here.”

>>Zelda blushed a little, but she welcomed the contact and even leaned into him.

Zelda: Leaned in, locked in, doubled down. Contact-maxxing. Hug-pilled. In my camaraderie era.

>>With Link's support, Zelda had personally met the civilians of Hateno.

DED: I assume “Link’s support” means Link was carrying her around on his shoulders so that her royal feet would not be sullied by peasant sod.

Zelda: Good idea in principle, but...

Link: YAHOO! ZELDA PIGGYBACK RIDE! LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOOOO!

Zelda: ...yeah, last time we tried this, I ended up a hundred miles off-course, covered in twigs and leaves and spiderwebs.

>>They were, of course, overjoyed

Rauru: Of course.

>>to see that their princess was alive and returned to them well,

Link: Yep, that’s one well-returned princess if I do say so myself.

>>even more so that the Calamity had finally come to an end.

Rauru: And now begins the Disastrophe.

DED: The Collapsalypse.

Zelda: The Age of Doomsuck.

>>It seemed as though the entire atmosphere of the town had gotten lighter,

DED: To the point that the atmosphere boiled away into space.

>>almost jovial, and both Link and Zelda felt it in full force.

Link: Come on, feel the joys! Girls, rock your boys! We’ll get glad, glad, glaaaad!

>>However, when it was all said and done and the crowd finally dispersed,

Zelda: I’ve got this new kind of ultrasonic noise cannon that works pretty well.

>>Link took Zelda by the hand and gently led her to his home.

Rauru: Yep, nope, left, no, leffffffft, your other left...

>>"Today was tiring, Princess. I feel we both deserve some rest."

DED: Rest in peace. Like, literally.

>>"Hm? Oh, yes, of course."

Zelda: “Huh what yeah sure whatever!”

>>Realizing just how exhausted she felt after fighting off the calamity for decades,

Rauru: Sure, yeah, easily overlooked.

>>Zelda allowed herself to be tugged along by her hero.

Zelda: Usually it’s me dragging Link along the ground, to make him go to the dentist or something, while he ragdolls his body and whines like an air raid siren.

Link: Look, it’s called nonviolent passive civil disobedience, and it’s a tried and true weapon against tyrants throughout history.

Zelda: We’ll see about that.

>>There was much to do, but right now,

DED: ...It’s Miller time.

>>the princess just wanted to enjoy this sorely missed moment of peace.

Rauru: Sorely missed? Skill issue. I only ever get sores from my massive bulk pressing up against everything around me all the time.

>>Speaking of things to do,

DED: Yeah! Verbs!

>>Zelda's nose twitched irritably

Zelda: My nose is NOT irritable.

Link: ...and it was like SKRABOOOOOING, and then the glorious, distant SPLURGIFF! Ahh, that such days could last forever...

Zelda: ...It’s ALL OF ME that’s irritable!

>>at the old, musty scent that seemed to pervade her body.

Rauru: Well I mean, she was basically on a shelf in a museum for a hundred years, right?

>>Glancing down, she saw her once ornate dress still covered in mud, dirt, and various other stains.

DED: Beer, wine, gin, whiskey, rum...

Zelda: Yeah yeah, har-dee-har-har, go fuck yourse...waaaaait a second...wearing my liquor cabinet...? You just might be onto something...

>>Her nose crinkled as she pulled her top up and gave it an inspective sniff.

Link: Doo doo doo doo doot, Inspective Sniffer, doo doo doo doo doot doot doo (HOOO HOOOOO!)

>>"Ugh… I smell as if I've been sitting in a bokoblin cave for an eternity."

DED: I vow my love, from here to eteerrrrrrni-cave!

>>Zelda muttered in disgust, tempted to strip out of her soiled outfit but refraining due to public decency.

Rauru: Or...pubic decency.

>>"I think a bath is definitely in order once we rest ourselves."

Link: YOU’RE out of order! A bath is out of order! This whole COURT’s out of order! My melon launcher is out of order, because it snapped and whipped me in the face and now I’m blind in one eye, but I’m working on building back better!

>>"Well…

Zelda: “...Do I really have to bathe in a well...?”

>>It's not the royal baths, but the pond serves me well enough."

Link: “Just watch out for the sharp rocks, and the pond scum, and the amoebic dysentery, and the sand fleas, and the snapping turtles, and the whirlpools...”

>>Link pointed to the pond that sat nearby below the house,

Rauru: On its watery buttocks.

>>being the spot where he tended to rinse himself

DED: BE the spot you want to see in the world.

>>of dirt and grime simply because of the convenient place it was in.

Link: “I mean it’s only sort of a pond, more of a creek I guess. Or not really a creek but like a...soggy...ditch. Okay I admit it, it’s just a mud pit that I like to wallow in, so sue me.”

>>Given that Link was a man who was always on his feet, he rarely dipped his toes in a legitimate bath as opposed to a lake.

Zelda: Would it help legitimize the bath if I made up a few noble titles for it real quick? The Barony of Bathing? The Margraviate of Moisture? Just let me know how you wanna be enfeoffed and that’ll preserve my royal dignity.

Link: Oh so my splurgiff is made-up nonsense, but YOU’RE going to “enfeoff” a “margraviate.” SURE. RIGHT.

Zelda: Don’t give me backsass, mister, I will TURN this subinfeudation AROUND!

>>"That's more than sufficient."

Rauru: “I mean it’s hardly good, but...”

>>Zelda quickly said, detaching herself from Link as she wandered right towards the pond.

DED: Don’t play too close to the water, stay where I can see you, now.

>>"I know it's selfish to say this, but

Zelda: “...I want everything everywhere only for me.”

>>at this point, I don't care if it's the royal baths or even the ocean.

Rauru: She’s lost all distinction between any water of any location or quantity or salinity! She’s MAD I tell you, MAD!

>>I've more than earned a nice, relaxing soak after all these years."

DED: Oh for sure, you could probably justify even two or three baths every hundred years.

>>"It's not selfish." Link told her.

Link: “You don’t sell fish. You don’t sell anything.”

>>"After everything you've been through, a bath is the least you've earned, Princess."

DED: Certainly the least interesting thing she’s earned...

Rauru: Which is why we’re gonna segue the whole story to revolve around it for a while.

>>Instinctively, Link pulled up his own shirt to smell himself, and made a face when he realized he was in the same boat as Zelda.

Zelda: The face that says, “When did I get this boat and how the hell did we just get in it?!”

>>How long had it even been since he last bathed, with all of the stress of saving Hyrule from the Divine Beasts, and later Ganon itself?

DED: I mean, there was a whole civilization of Zoras who LIVED in a pond, and he did a whole quest thing for them, soooo...

>>At her loyal knight's words,

Link: Oh oh I got another one! “Fglottk” is similar to splurgiff but it’s a form of caramel-based ecstasy where you...

>>Zelda turned around and smiled at Link gratefully.

Rauru: Like a big ol’ grate.

>>"Thank you, Link."

Zelda: “For a lot of stuff, really, but ‘letting me jump in your pond’ is somewhere down there on the list.”

>>As soon as she said that, however,

Link: ...I heard it!

>>the possibility of having her very first bath in over a century ebbed away at her more modest tendencies.

DED: Just like the pond itself ebbed away into a mere basin full of ooze.

>>She wanted to be clean, and that started with taking off this old, mud-covered dress she had been forced to wear.

Rauru: Huh? Who forced her? Was that some precondition for sealing Ganon?

Zelda: The mud masked my thermal signature from his infrared vision.

>>Not even caring that anyone other than Link could see her,

Link: Anyone OTHER than me can see her? Why can’t I?! Did I go blind? NOW of all times?!?

>>Zelda quickly began to shed her outfit,

DED: BotW speedrun striptease%.

>>starting with her shoes, then her bracelets, and finally the old golden waistband

Rauru: The olden golden waistband?

Zelda: That cold-rolled old bold gold I was sold that I’m told was cast in a mold.

>>keeping her dress in place.

Link: ...What place?

>>With all those accessories gone,

DED: Each sold separately.

>>her dress fell to the ground, and in that moment Zelda had never felt more free as her bra and panties were exposed to the elements.

Zelda: Gotta say, I would feel more free if I could take my bra off even with the dress still on.

>>Link stood still,

Link: Well THAT goes without saying, what would make me fall down in this scenario?

DED: I mean, in fairness, BotW was perhaps your most falling-down game ever.

>>his jaw slack

Rauru (chewing on a turkey drumstick): Mhph, he shoo try eading shomefing inshted.

>>as he took in the form

Link: OOOOOH no, I’m not getting any forms foisted on me, I don’t care HOW many notices people have taken to Zelda today.

>>of the nearly nude Princess right in front of him.

DED: Or left, depending on where the camera is.

>>The sight was nothing short

Zelda: Average height, really.

>>of beauty in its purest form to the young hero, and his eyes didn't hesitate to take in every inch of Zelda's body.

Link: ...Can they hesitate?

DED: I don’t think your eyes have much choice in the matter.

>>Her curves, her shapely behind, her long blonde hair…

Rauru: Her massive bank account that’s accrued a century’s worth of interest...

Zelda: Damn straight.

>>It was enough to take Link's breath away.

Link: Guess I’m frozen in stasis again.

>>A deep, yearning desire that had been inside of him started bubbling to the surface.

DED: Speaking of bubbling to the surface, how well-mixed is that there lake? Because there’s this thing where huge amounts of carbon dioxide gas bubbles build up in the bottom layer and then eventually it can overturn and spew out a gigantic invisible wave of ground-hugging, heavier-than-air, unbreathable gas, and historically that sort of thing has killed, like, thousands of people.

>>Link wanted to take Zelda into his arms and kiss her right there, and do so much more.

Rauru: I would imagine he’s got plenty on his to-do list as a new homeowner.

Zelda: Yo I don’t fuck with no fiberglass insulation, that shit’s the worst.

>>His imagination started to run a little wild, and his… lower half started to react in kind.

DED: ...Link Flatley IS Lord of the Dance!

Link: I’m a maniac, MAAAAANIAC by the lake! And I’m dancing with the dance-est dance I make!

>>Namely, he was starting to pitch a tent.

Zelda: You said you owned a house, you bum!

>>Oblivious to Link's growing arousal, however,

Rauru: ...‘Cept you just told us all.

>>Zelda wasted no time getting herself clean.

DED: Finally kicking the junk.

>>Without even removing her underwear,

Link: GAAAAAAASP!

>>the princess carefully started to walk into the clear pond,

Zelda: Whoop, loose rock, twisted my ankle. Oop, biting eels, sinking their fangs into my flesh. Countless bacteria and protozoans, rushing into my open wounds. Gawrsh.

>>her plump ass swaying and jiggling as she walked.

Rauru: Tits bouncing erotically as she struggled to extricate herself from the thigh-deep mud at the bottom.

>>She shivered at first, unused to the coolness of the water

DED: So trendy and stylish in an effortless, unconcerned kind of way...

>>as it crept up her ankles, but more than anything she was absolutely enthralled to feel it caress her smooth, albeit dirtied, skin

Zelda: Okay, okay, no need to rub it in!

Link: It already was rubbed in. Now you need to rub it off.

Rauru: Or do you rub it out?

DED: Nah, that’s what the reader is supposed to do.

>>for the first time in over a century.

Link: She’s GOT this huge streak built up...hasn’t she considered extending the longest-time-without-bathing record a little more, just to really put it out of reach?

DED: Truly she is the Cal Ripken Jr. of uncleanliness.

>>Slowly, more and more of her scantily-clad body dipped beneath the surface,

Rauru: Hurry it up, we’re on a schedule here!

Link: It’s better to just plunge in and get it over with than to do the long drawn-out inching method, anyway.

>>and it was only when the water reached up to her modest breasts

Zelda: Is there some unspoken rule of erotica where I’m only allowed to have a big ass or fat titties, and not both?!

DED: I know, it’s like they think, “oh, that would be going too far, that would be crass, I’m far too good for that,” and then proceed to write 2500 words of blowjob.

>>that she stopped her advance,

Rauru: Dig in and hold position until spring.

>>instead letting out a deep sigh of contentment

Link: Huh. Usually it’s resentment.

>>as she swished around in the pond,

DED: Maybe a Swisher Kaaaaang or three, I seen fine behind that wanna hang with me, ‘long as I braaang the weed!

>>her long, golden locks spreading out like a halo

Zelda: Bathing Evolved.

Rauru: That was kind of a Reach.

Zelda: Whatever, I’m gonna drink my Odious Tea.

>>in the process.

DED: Oh, that was all a huge six-clause run-on sentence, by the way. For what it’s worth.

Link: ...Nothing.

Rauru: In fact, it’s worth negative value.

DED: Yes EXACTLY.

>>"Oh, sweet Hylia…

Rauru: *thunderclap* “TAKETH NOT MY NAME IN VAIN, MORTALS!”

>>I'd almost forgotten what water feels like."

Zelda: Wet, mostly.

>>Zelda commented, and in a rare show of emotion,

Link: Zelda never puts on fun shows.

Zelda: The other day I spent thousands of Rupees on a gigantic opera set and the finest—

Link: —I said FUN!

>>she started to laugh quietly as she twirled around in the water.

Rauru: I’m with Link, this show is lame.

Zelda: It’s just a show OF EMOTION!

Link: Is that emotion supposed to be boredom?

>>Link took a deep, shaky breath

DED: Shake, rattle ‘n breathe!

>>as his arousal only continued to grow. His boner became painfully constricted

Rauru: Oh no, a bo(n)a constrictor.

>>by his trousers as he ogled Zelda's ass.

DED: At a slightly different angle to where it was actually located, due to the refraction of light at the air-water boundary.

>>With no more battles or evils left to slay,

Zelda: Uh, that’s probably not even remotely true, there’s ALWAYS more bullshit to deal with.

Link: Don’t deprive me of my post-game content!

>>the pent-up stress was finally starting to catch up to him,

Rauru: Oh, heart attack? Sucks to be you, bro. As for me, I’ve got Sage of Light magic to deal with all the consequences of my superhuman obesity.

DED: Hey, did you know your name got reused for a lithe, sexy goat-man in the BotTotWK canon?

Link: ...Not that I think there’ll be anyone mistaking you for him.

DED: Baron Harkonnen, maybe, but not the other Rauru.

Rauru: Eh, no skin off my back. I was originally a village, anyway.

Zelda: Your food consumption is still village-tier, at least.

Rauru (drinking directly from a hogshead of mead): *glup glup* U’m honnowing *glup glup* muh ammcessry *glup glup glug*

>>and with a woman so beautiful right before him, it was hard for Link to ignore his… urges.

Link: Urge...to prank Zelda...RISING...!

>>He wanted Zelda. Desperately.

DED: I guess, in the strictest tautological sense, that means he’s got her right where he wants her.

Zelda: But I...that’s...huh.

>>Without thinking,

Link: DINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDING!

>>Link began to strip out of his own clothes.

Rauru: And into one of his three dozen alternative outfits gathered from the far reaches of the world.

>>His champion's tunic went first as he peeled it over his head and threw it to the ground,

DED: I renounce you and all you stand for!

Zelda: Hey, as the supreme arbiter of Hylian law, I’m going to have to cite him for littering, here.

>>exposing his muscular and scar-riddled chest.

Link: Memmmorieeeeeeees...like the cooooorners of my mind...

>>He kicked off his boots next,

DED: We’re kickin’ off Bootapalooza!

>>then bent over and pulled down his beige pants, leaving him in the dark blue underwear that he first woke up in.

Rauru: Y’know, I get a lot of flak for undressing and re-dressing Link while he was enstasis’d in the Temple of Time, but in THIS timeline SOMEBODY decided to just strip him down to his boxer-briefs and shove him in a cave, and NOT pay any further attention to him. Who’s in the wrong, here?

>>When that was done, he placed the Sheikah Slate

Link: But can it be a slate if it’s not made of slate, the type of rock?

DED: Otherwise it’s a mere Sheikah Slab.

>>on a nearby rock

Link: ...Or is this rock a slate? I have so many questions!

Zelda: We know, dear.

Link: So why don’t I ever get any answers?

Zelda: Because we ALSO know that the answers will slide right out of your brain within seconds, so it’s pointless.

Link: Oooooooh. ...Wait, what will? You mean “slide” like a playground? Are we going to a playground? Why can’t we go to a playground?!?

>>and entered the pond with Zelda,

Rauru: I dub it “Zelda Pond.”

>>all while his boner was painfully obvious.

DED: Oh, I assure you, I’m in intense pain.

Zelda: While we’re at it, the porn preamble phase of this story is painfully long.

Link: I got a painful blister on my toe. Which I can’t really blame on the story, but, y’know, I’m pained.

>>Zelda was so caught up in her fun

Zelda: “Wheee, whaaaa, wooo, turning left, turning right...turning left AGAIN! Hahahahaha...”

Rauru: Wait, nope, that’s not fun. That’s kelp. She’s caught up in the kelp.

>>that she didn't even register that Link had joined her

DED: How even would she? I don’t see no Rolodex.

Zelda: Not even a cash register.

>>until his arms suddenly wrapped around her waist.

Link: Register THIS! And keep the change!

>>"Eep!" A squeak of surprise escaped Zelda's lips as she turned around,

Rauru: Oh yeah, if you’re munching real hardcore and then you turn around quickly, the centrifugal force can let little bits of stuff escape your lips.

Zelda: Such as...squeaks of surprise?

Rauru: Or flecks of carrot, whatever.

>>immediately being greeted by Link's smiling, albeit slightly smug, face.

DED: His smug aura mocks me!

>>"L-Link? What are you…

Zelda: “...smoking...”

>>you…"

Rauru: You CAD! You RAKISH GADABOUT!

>>Zelda's chiding remark slowly trailed off as her eyes fell upon her loyal knight's chiseled body.

DED: If all you used to make a sculpture was a chisel, it’d be pretty rough. No abrasives? No polishing?

Zelda: Lotta visible chisel markings all over it. Very sloppy.

Link: Look, I’m not a work of art, I’m a work of war.

DED: Maybe the chiseled angular facets help deflect enemy radar.

>>Her breath was taken away almost instantly,

Rauru: We can’t HAVE nice things!

DED: You can have it back when you’ve learned your lesson about breathing responsibly.

>>and a sharp pang of what she recognized as arousal shot through her very core.

Zelda: Ah yes, the sharp and jagged contours of arousal, like passing a kidney stone.

>>What Link lacked in height, he more than made up for with his lean musculature,

Link: I’m harder to hit. I present less surface area for attackers. I’m concentrated force condensed into an efficient package.

Rauru: Yep, it’s true, you’re extremely dense.

Link: Thank you.

>>which was covered in numerous tiny scars from his constant battles with the forces of darkness.

DED: The...tiny forces of darkness, presumably.

Link: The fuckoff-gigantic forces of darkness tend to cause less visible scarring and more internal ruptures and hemorrhage when their blows hurl me across the landscape.

Rauru: Nothing that eating twelve or so different meals can’t cure, though, eh?

Link: In Tearful Breath of the Kingdom’s Wilds? Actually, yeah.

Zelda: Wow, it’s true, the series has finally caught up with you, Rauru.

Rauru (eating Oktorok haggis): *mumch* An’ yet, I’mma moofing targit. *schmopf* Dey can’t keep ub’wiv me. *slurmp*

>>So shocked by the sight of Link's toned physique was Zelda

Zelda: So unimpressed by the fancy diction am I.

>>that she didn't notice the warrior's bulge currently poking against her stomach,

DED: Now that’s odd, the Warrior’s Bulge isn’t optimized for stealth. That’d be the Thief’s Bulge.

Zelda: Hmm, with a few simple spells I could obtain the Wizard’s Bulge...ooooh Liiiiiinnnnk~?

Link: GAH! PLEASE! Every WEEK we go through this!

>>nor did she so much as stop herself as her hands reached up and instinctively grasped at Link's pectoral muscles appreciatively.

DED: Are they facing each other? Like, he circled around and came up to her and wrapped his arms around her waist, from the front? I’d assumed he came up from behind, because, like...HOW?

Rauru: The bulge was poking her stomach, so, yeah. Symmetrical docking.

Zelda: I guess I was so engrossed shimmying around in the bog-water that I failed to notice him taking off his clothes, splashing into the edge of the pond, sloshing his way up to me, and then coming all the way directly into my line of sight so that HE can grab my waist and I can grasp his pecs. “Instinctively.”

Link: Well hell, maybe the Warrior’s Bulge does enhance stealth.

>>"Oh… Oh my…!"

Rauru: Makes me say, oh my Lawd! Thank you, for blessin’ me, with a mind to rhyme and two hype feet!

>>Zelda uttered, getting completely lost at the sight before her wide eyes.

Link: I am unmoored from reality forever!

DED: Damn, welcome to decade three of Link being unmoored from reality forever.

Link: Did you think I was kidding when I said it the first time?

>>"My apologies, Princess. I didn't mean to startle you."

Rauru: “Just to fondle you.”

>>Link told her gently, his heart steadily picking up in pace as he held Zelda close to him.

Zelda: God, I wish I could fill him with heart-racing fear...

Link: Your reign of terror won’t work on a Triforce of Courage. Even I can figure that one out.

>>Her body was warm,

Rauru: Less so by the moment, but...

>>her skin smooth and the way her breath tickled against him was like a combo-hit for the young man.

DED: Or even a frame-cancel.

Zelda: Or a whiff-punish.

>>He noticed the way Zelda was ogling him, and shot the Princess a knowing smile

Link: SKWABROOI-OOOI-OOOING! SPLURGIFF!

Zelda: STOP IT

>>that made her blush and look away in a bout of shame.

Rauru: And the winnah, and still champeen, is...Shame!

>>Hylia, he missed these interactions with Zelda.

Link: Boy oh boy, I sure do love “interactions.”

>>"I- it's alright, I assure you." Zelda quickly stammered out,

DED: And what an assurance it is.

>>her face burning hot alongside her loins

Zelda: So I curled my spine backwards and stuck my own head past my ass and between my legs, so my face could burn hot “alongside” my loins?

DED: Sounds like something you’d have to hit twice with a steel pipe to knock it down and then stomp it or it’ll get back up.

Rauru: In my restless dreams, I see that town...Hateno.

>>not just from their closeness, but the realization that Link was hard when she spared a quick glance downward.

Zelda: Commuting the quick glance’s death sentence to 7 years of hard labor.

>>"But a warning would be greatly appreciated next time."

Link: “How am I supposed to remember?! Can’t I just wear a bell or something?”

>>"Yes, of course…" Link said, his own blush becoming apparent the longer they spent in contact together.

DED: Welp, if his blush is going to become a parent, he should start a baby registry.

>>They were both clearly yearning for each other,

Link: Yearn out the day! Yearn out the night! I can see great reasons to put up a fight! I’m livin’ for givin’ the Ganon his due! And I’m yearnin’ I’m yearnin’ I’m yearnin’ for you!

>>and it was dependent on who was going to make the first move in this situation.

Zelda: Like two samurai facing down in a quick-draw duel.

>>Ultimately, Link moved first.

Rauru: Does “ultimately” mean that’s the last thing that happens in the story? No...?

DED: I mean, we can figure out the rest on our own.

>>His hand moved up to caress Zelda's cheek,

Zelda: I’ll take any of the four of them, really. I’m fine with hurrying things along.

>>making the Princess a little flustered.

Link: Like it’s my J-O-B JOB.

>>She leaned into his hand soon enough,

Rauru: But really, not as soon as we’d prefer.

>>seemingly relishing in the physical contact after a century in hell

Zelda: But, in actuality, I only leaned in to avoid a big-ass mosquito buzzing around my opposite cheek.

>>and smiled softly.

DED: As opposed to...smiling hard? With a vengeance?

Link: Smiling hard, or hardly smiling? Haw haw haw!

>>"…Beautiful."

Rauru: “...that trout over there. Just beautiful. Get me my fly-rod!”

>>Link muttered, a comment that came out almost on its own.

Zelda: He um...yeah...not a ton of brain-filter on his verbal cortex.

Link: ...and you should NEVER try to extinguish it with toilet paper, it’ll just burn harder. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk. Now did I ever tell you about my theory that lawnmowers can...

>>"T- thank you…"

DED (imitating Frampton voice box): ...do you feel...like I doooo...I want to thank you...

>>Zelda shyly uttered back, managing to keep smiling despite her rampant blush.

Rauru: Sadly the blush had to be euthanized to protect the public.

>>"And you are… quite handsome yourself, Link."

Zelda: “Wait, not handsome, handful. You’re quite a handful yourself, Link.”

>>Now it was Link's turn to blush harder,

Link: Why do we gotta take turns? Can’t we just have our blushing contest simultaneously?

DED: No no no, haven’t you seen Dragon Ball Z? You have to take turns charging up your blush and screaming like you’re passing a kidney stone. It’s just protocol.

>>something that Zelda couldn't resist chuckling at as she pressed further against the knight.

Rauru: Forcing the knight to move out of the way or be captured, which set up a brilliant checkmate.

>>She felt so safe with him there,

Zelda: With his no weapon and no armor and no clothing...

>>watching over her as he always did.

Link: Put a little birdhouse in your soul!

>>A moment later, however, she suddenly frowned

DED: Flashing back to the hundred years of monster rape again?

Zelda: Or back to the time Link tried to cook eggs in a toaster.

Link: Oh come on, it was like 20 or 30 percent totally successful!

>>and shook her head,

Zelda: He told me to “shake my money-maker” so naturally I started shaking my brain.

>>though not out of any sort of malice.

Rauru: Though maybe from some sort of crab lice, here in the pond.

>>"Actually… no…

DED: “You aren’t handsome, what was I thinking?”

>>That honestly doesn't do what you truly are justice.

Rauru: I are justice. I are the night! I...ARE...BATMAN!

>>You are… so much more than that to me."

Link: Handsome AND lethal. And full of great ideas.

>>Zelda started to utter,

Zelda: And I’m utterly serious about it.

>>staring deep into Link's stoic eyes as she began to add in a soft voice,

DED: “You’re also my personal property. In case you forgot.”

>>"You are courageous, brave, trustworthy, and so many other wonderful words that many of them elude me now.

Link: Like SPLURGIFF!

Zelda: THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE! EVEN IF I LEGITIMIZE YOUR WORD!

>>No matter the odds, you kept going,

Rauru: And the evens, too. Those didn’t stop him either.

>>not just for Hyrule's sake, but for my own. Me, a princess

DED: Me Tarzan, you Jane!

>>who was so blind to what she truly wanted that the entire kingdom suffered for it.

Rauru: Better than the entire kingdom suffering because of what she truly wants.

Zelda: C’mon, that SO almost never happens!

>>If only I had realized that sooner, then…"

DED: We were so much older, then, we’re younger than that now...

>>Zelda's voice slowly trailed off as tears began to build up in her eyes.

Link: Trailed, tears, is this the Trail of Tears I’ve heard about?

Zelda: Oooh, here’s the Tears of the Kingdom.

>>A century's worth of guilt and regrets were quickly bubbling to the surface,

Rauru: And one small fart was also bubbling to the surface, but she hoped Link wouldn’t notice, given the farty pond smell already present...

>>threatening to consume her whole were it not for the paragon standing before her.

Link: Glad I could help.

DED: By standing there and doing nothing...?

Zelda: Compared to what happens when he moves around doing something, it’d be a HUGE help.

Link: ...Do we have anything even MORE stretchy than underwear elastic?

>>Seconds later, she placed her own hand atop Link's,

Rauru: What a power move.

>>taking a deep breath as she mentally prepared to ask the heaviest question in her entire life.

Zelda: What would happen if two supermassive black holes merged?

Rauru: ...Me?

Zelda: Hmm...

>>She was scared to ask this, but knew that she must, and so quietly uttered, "Oh, Link…

Link: “WHAT?!? YOU’LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP I’VE HAD EXTENSIVE EXPLOSION-RELATED HEARING DAMAGE!!!”

>>Can you ever forgive me for being so foolish back then?"

DED: My foolish foolery? My hijinks and japes? My bungling buffoonery? My intemperate shenanigans?

>>"…You needn't ask, Zelda. Because I already forgave you."

Zelda: “I know that, I know everything. I just wanted to hear you say it. I have your tiny soul wrapped around my finger. Say it again.”

>>Link comforted the Princess with calming words and a soothing tone,

Rauru: Calming words enjoining her to please leave a message after the soothing tone.

DED: Nobody Gen Z or younger is going to know what an answering machine message is, bro.

Rauru: I’m an old man and also the master of temporal stasis, what do you want from me?

>>moving his hand up to wipe the tears from her eyes

Zelda: AHEM, I was SAVING those??????

>>and hold Zelda close to him.

Link: I wish I could put her in a bottle for safekeeping.

>>"I may not remember everything, but… I remember your struggles.

Zelda: “That time you were trying to put your pants on and had one leg half-on and were jumping up and down on one foot trying to keep from falling over...”

>>The weight of the world on your shoulders, the demands of the King,

DED: Such as, “If you don’t hear from me for a month, send Link!”

>>the pressure to live up to the expectations of everyone around you.

Link: And the, uh, laser tentacle robots. Those were pretty gnarly. But, sure, yeah, social expectations.

>>I never hated you, not back then and not now, because I understood your pain."

Rauru: Uh, who spoke that sentence...?

>>Link calmed the trembling Princess in his arms,

Link: She’s in my arms? Did I inject her into my veins?

Zelda: The needle and the Princess done.

>>hugging her in a tight embrace and not daring to let her go, as if he were afraid of her vanishing again.

Link: “As if” I were? She does. She gets dematerialized into another dimension or stuffed into magic crystals or turned into a statue or something every other week.

>>"Even now, let's not forget…

Rauru: “Just what to not forget, I forget.”

>>It was you who staved off the Calamity for one hundred years.

DED: Plus all the time Link wasted AFTER waking up, mining ore and solving physics puzzles and cooking disgusting viscera. Weeks, at least.

>>It was you who sealed it away and prevented the entirety of the world from being consumed by its malice.

Link: It was YOU who crank dat Soulja Boy! It was YOU who shook me all night long! It was YOU and I who travel to the beat of a different drum!

>>Above all of that, it was you that saved me from certain death a lifetime ago, and brought us here now."

DED: Wonder how his boner is faring beneath the cold, cold water and the dead weight of all this dialogue.

>>Zelda calmed down underneath him, her eyes closed as she listened to Link's words.

Zelda: Bored to sleep by his monologue.

Link: Well THAT’s some major role reversal.

Zelda: ...My monologues are riveting!

>>"There's nothing we can do to change the past, Zelda.

Rauru: Not in THIS game.

DED: Ocarina of Time stays goated.

>>The best we can manage is to shape our future, and remember everyone that lost their lives in the Calamity.

Zelda: You were just praising how I prevented it from consuming the entire world! So a few measly people slipped through the cracks and died horrible deaths, you’re gonna hold that against me FOREVER?

>>I know they wouldn't be happy if the future Queen did otherwise."

Link: Why is she not Queen, like, right now?

Rauru: The King is dead, and a ghost, a dead ghost. Long live the Queen. Right?

Zelda: Erm, well, I haven’t filed the paperwork.

>>"Yes… Yes, of course."

DED: “Sure fine whatever.”

>>Zelda slowly managed to say,

Link: This is unacceptable, I want to slowly manager to say to!

>>her guilt evaporating in the presence of the one she loved.

Zelda: Hmm, a never-before-seen phase transition...this of course implies the guilt was in a liquid state, as opposed to a solid sublimating directly into gas...

Rauru: What an interesting romantic-chemistry reaction.

>>"There's undoubtedly a long road ahead of us, but…

DED: “At least it’s limited-access so we can just put it in cruise control and we won’t hit a bunch of lights.”

>>we must continue on.

Rauru: Through the fire and the flames, we carry oooooooon!

Link: Yeah, if I can help it!

Zelda: Don’t you DARE light the melons on fire! I know that’s where your mind is going! I KNOW you!

>>For my father… For our friends…"

Rauru: Foo-our calling birds, three French hens...

DED: Not for honor, but foooooor you...

>>Though she tried her best not to cry, a single tear managed to slip past her eyes,

Rauru: Flying low, under the radar!

>>plipping down into the pond. Neither party noticed

Link: Waist-deep in stagnant water and sludge. Some party.

>>that when it did, the pond began to subtly glow with a warm, radiant light, similar to that of Zelda's sacred powers.

Zelda: I can at least temporarily suppress the cholera. You’re WELCOME.

>>Before either one of them could even remotely question this, Zelda looked deep into Link's eyes and asked without any hesitation, "Link…

Link: “Uh, what’s the deal with—”

Zelda: “—HEY I’m TALKING here??”

Link: “But the glowing—”

Zelda: “Are you saying you DON’T LOVE ME?!?”

Link: “I WON’T love you if you’re IRRADIATING MY BALLS right now!”

>>Will you walk this path alongside me?

Rauru: Y’know, once we emerge from the marsh here and find one.

>>Not as a knight or even the Hero who wields the Sword of Evil's Bane…

DED: “Come with me, but be more useless.” Odd pitch.

>>but as the one I love, now and forevermore?"

Link: That’s kind of a big commitment to be making all willy-nilly in a pond like this. Could I get a, like, employment contract?

Zelda: Fat chance. Swear your feudal oath and become my vassal for all eternity.

>>"My life is yours, Princess."

DED: TITLE DROP! *airhorn*

>>Link gently assured her, as he leaned in and kissed Zelda on her cheek.

Rauru: “And my TONGUE is yours, too!”

>>"As I breathe, I will always remain by your side.

Link: “When that stops, I’d kinda like you to bury me or burn me or something.”

>>You will never face another day alone."

Zelda: Whether I like it or not.

>>Hearing that, Zelda felt her heart swell with unbridled joy.

DED: Bridle yo’joy before you wreck yo’joy.

Rauru: It really doesn’t work without the rhyme. Try again.

DED: Uhhhhhhhhh...bridle yo’joy before you...sidle...tidal...recital...Billy Idol...nah, abort, abort.

>>She had waited over a century to hear those sweet, sweet words,

Rauru: Now THAT—

Link: Skip it.

Rauru: But—

Zelda: Let it GO, man!

Rauru: —PECAN PRALINE ICE CREAM!

DED: Okay, okay, cripes! Is that good enough for you?!

Rauru: YES, it IS, I have had my satisfaction, good DAY to you sir.

>>and they felt every bit as euphoric as she could have imagined.

Zelda: And believe me, I imagine like nobody’s business.

>>"That's all I needed to hear."

DED: “I swear my perpetual servitude” was the minimum she needed to hear...?

Zelda: PschYEAH...

>>With their love for one another made clearly known,

Rauru: In a pretty roundabout way, but, sure, I think we get the gist.

Link: For efficiency, I usually shorten this whole exchange to “can I hit?” or something to that effect.

>>Zelda, in the most bold gesture of affection she had ever shown,

DED: ...killed MILLIONS.

>>smiled and pressed her lips to Link's. She poured all of the love and passion she could muster into the gesture,

Zelda: Two fingers of love on the rocks, fill with club soda.

>>telling her loyal knight how much he meant to her in a way words never could.

Rauru: Yeah, if you say “you mean roughly .02 pounds per square inch of force applied to the lips to me,” it doesn’t really get the point across.

>>Link returned the kiss just as passionately,

Link: So I can muster EXACTLY AS MUCH love and passion into the gesture as she can, but POSSIBLY more. We can’t say for sure.

Zelda: Don’t you DARE upstage my sloppy lust!

>>as his arms slid from her upper back down to her slim waist.

DED: My name is *chikka chikka* Slim Waisty!

>>He never realized how much he missed having Zelda so close to him until he experienced first hand,

Rauru: There’s all KINDS of things he doesn’t realize.

Link: That’s why I have to keep experiencing first-hand! I wanna know! I wanna learn! I wanna live and laugh and love and go fast and break things and burn things and melt things and dissolve things!

Zelda: But you DON’T LEARN! You JUST DESTROY!

Link: Hey, I’m following the procedure, and it’s letting me down. ‘Snot MY fault my brain’s so impenetrable and stain-resistant.

DED: Classic homeschooled-by-a-talking-tree scenario here.

>>and he wanted this moment, more than anything, to last for a lifetime.

Link: Actually I think boredom would set in around ten, twelve years in.

>>They stood in the pond,

Rauru: If only this moment could last a lifetime...

>>the world around them a blur, as they were entranced in each other's embrace.

DED: That’s just their perception of the world blurring, it didn’t make the world into a blur. Right?

Zelda: I mean, one single tear turned the water into pure glowing mana or something, so who knows, maybe by the time he gets to third base, reality itself will start to melt and reform.

>>Link's hands went even lower,

Link: Finally! Catfish noodlin’!

Zelda: ...that had BETTER not be innuendo, buster.

>>finding their way to Zelda's plush

DED: Oh, great, she’s one of those “best head of your life but you’ll be surrounded by six dozen plushies” girls.

>>ass, where he gave her cheeks a firm squeeze.

Rauru: Forced to buy more stock in her asscheeks to cover his own short position, triggering a feedback loop of panicky investors.

>>Zelda moaned in equal amounts of surprise and delight as her plump ass cheeks were groped by Link,

Link: Focus groups agree, this new targeted marketing strategy is out of this world!

>>but quickly welcomed her lover's touch.

DED: Explain with actual action verbs what the fuck that means she did.

>>Admittedly,

Zelda: YES THAT’S RIGHT, I DID IT! I DID IT AND I’D DO IT AGAIN! AHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

>>all those years fending off the Calamity had left her extremely touched-starved,

DED: All those years fight-fend make Skaven touched-starved of butt-booty!

>>and so having Link caress her so intimately…

Rauru: Well, the word they actually used was “groped,” not “caressed,” so let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.

>>Well, suffice to say Link wasn't the only one starting to feel very aroused right now.

DED: ...Don’t look at us.

>>Link didn't stop there, however.

Link: This is bat country.

>>His fingers sank into Zelda's plump flesh,

Rauru: Well un-liquefy your ass this instant, young lady!

>>before giving her cheeks a little smack. The Princess jolted a little from that,

Link: Hmm. Little smack, little jolt. I think I’m starting to get it...

>>and Link verily enjoyed seeing the way it jiggled.

DED: It’d jiggle even more if it was surrounded by diffuse air instead of dense water, but, I dunno, everything about this would be better if they weren’t standing ass-deep in swamp water.

Zelda: Verily.

>>Gradually, Link's kisses started to go lower.

Rauru: Really just crude, offensive, uncalled-for stuff.

>>He moved from Zelda's lips down to her neckline, where he sucked on the base of her collarbone and nibbled on her ear before blowing into it.

Link: Playing it like a hillbilly jug...

>>A shudder went down Zelda's spine at Link's playful teasing.

Zelda: We are so doomed.

>>She would never admit it to anyone else, but her body was especially sensitive to another's touch.

DED: So, some specific person not Link...?

>>That Link seemed to know exactly where her weak spots were

Zelda: I’m weak to having someone blow in my ear, as far as my patience is concerned...

>>without so much as a single utterance,

Link: Yep, that’s how I roll.

>>Zelda didn't know whether to chalk that up to his insight or beginner's luck.

Rauru: Well, either way, if you WANT to chalk it up, you’re going to have to send Link off to climb the side of a mountain and look for a chalk deposit.

DED: I HATE OPEN WORLD SURVIVAL CRAFTING I HATE OPEN WORLD SURVIVAL CRAFTING

>>Either way, the princess mewled approvingly,

Zelda: Or approved mewlingly.

>>clinging to her loyal knight even tighter.

Link: Ugh, can’t stand clingy bitches.

Zelda: ...I abandoned you in a cave for a hundred years, is that not enough personal space?

>>At this point, her nipples had since grown hard,

DED: At this point, nothing in particular changed, but something had happened previously...?

>>poking not just through the worn fabric of her bra, but also

Rauru: ...through the fabric of SPACE AND TIME ITSELF...!

>>against Link's muscular frame, which she sensually ran her hands along

Link: Git along, lil’ daowgies!

>>as if they had taken on a mind of their own.

DED: A mind that was doing exactly what her mind was gonna have them do anyway, but, sure.

>>While Link was busy pecking at her neckline,

Zelda: No doubt to hollow out some kind of nest in my neck, or perhaps a cavity in which to stash seeds for the winter.

>>his firm hands moved up her backside. Zelda shivered underneath him,

Rauru: You really only have two or three minutes in cold water before hypothermia sets in.

>>and her blush increased twicefold when she realized that he was undoing the knot holding her bra together.

Zelda: And that my bra is just some rag tied around my torso. C’mon! Surely the princess of all people has access to simple hook-and-eye fastening technology.

>>In a matter of seconds, Link had completely undone her bra and peeled it off of her body.

Link: Scchhhheeelllooooooooooooooooooorrrk.

>>Zelda's modest breasts were exposed to the elements,

Rauru: Not so much Earth and Fire, but sure, some elements, I’d say.

DED: Ass. Titties. Thighs. Lips. Long ago, the four nations of partialist eroticism lived in harmony.

>>and Link could feel her hard nipples rubbing against his bare chest.

Link: Or vice-versa, equally true.

>>He took a moment to admire them.

Zelda: Thank you! What a kind gesture!

Rauru: Happy birthday!

>>They weren't very large, but they were the perfect size

Link: ...“Very large?”

>>and shape.

DED: More triangles on Breath of the Tears of the Wild of the Kingdom Zelda’s breasts than on Ocarina of Time Zelda’s entire body.

>>Zelda shivered in anticipation as Link ogled her breasts.

Zelda: Teeth chattering with lust, lips turning blue with desire...

>>Her self-consciousness about their lacking size kept her from asking about them,

Rauru: Asking who what about them?!

>>but fortunately she didn't have to ask Link what his opinion was.

Zelda: I don’t have to do FUCKIN’ ANYTHING. Non ducor, duco.

>>In a flash, both of his hands reached up to grasp her naked breasts,

Link: Flash! Aaaah-aaaaaaaaaah! Gonna grope every boob of ‘em!

>>causing Zelda to rear her head back

DED: Monarchy rears its ugly head once again.

Zelda: Screw you!

>>and moan deeply,

Zelda: Yeah! Screw you, I sez!

>>with the blonde instinctively pushing her chest as far against his hands as she could for even more pleasure.

Rauru: And instinctively filming it, and instinctively uploading it for all her simps to buy on Clips4Sale.

>>She held little doubt now that she was completely wet,

Zelda: At long last, relief from the wracking confusion as to the state of my pussy lips.

>>and not from the pond.

Link: ...Wait, how the fuck did the pond not make her wet? That was the whole POINT of getting IN the pond!

>>Link took his time to massage Zelda's breasts.

Zelda: And, y’know, my time, too.

>>His fingers tweaked at her nipples, flicking and pinching the pink nubs until they slowly got hard under his palms.

DED: Meanwhile, the curious townsfolk, alarmed by the magical glow coming from the pond, have gathered around in awe and terror, only to see THIS.

>>Zelda whimpered and moaned under his playfulness,

Rauru: Whereas under the Khmer Rouge dictatorship the whimpering and moaning was very different in tone.

>>and the way he kissed and sucked on her neckline was putting Zelda in a state of pure bliss.

DED: Almost heaven, West Virginia...

>>The noises she made only served to spike Link's arousals,

Link: A whole bunch of them there arousalses. A slew of arousals. A passel of arousals.

>>and his boner was almost begging to be freed from its restraints,

Rauru: Almost, but lacking one critical feature, one that is my personal favorite: a mouth.

DED: I Have No Mouth And I Must Cream.

>>but he held back to please the Princess first. He valued her own pleasure before his own.

Zelda: As do all sane and rational beings who render unto me my due fear and worship.

>>To what would be Link's delight, however, Zelda harbored the exact same sentiment.

Rauru: What would be Link’s delight. But it can’t be. Because of woke.

>>She wanted to please her knight as much as he was pleasing her at the moment.

Link: So we’re both doomed. Our desires are mutually exclusive.

>>It seemed only fair that she repaid such dutiful groping.

DED: Call of Duty: Grope Ops.

>>Feeling Link's bulge pressing against her stomach, Zelda knew exactly how to best pleasure her lover.

Zelda: Feeling the ambient humidity of the atmosphere, Zelda knew exactly how to tie a bowtie.

>>Ignoring her inexperience with intimacy,

Link: Good for her and all, but...am I supposed to ignore it too?

>>she lowered one of her hands down to Link's crotch and gave his tent a generous squeeze.

Rauru: Just like her toothpaste.

>>All at once, Link gasped and let out a shuddery breath,

DED: Can’t gasp air in AND shudderingly breathe air out “all at once,” L, ratio, rizzless, etc.

>>which told Zelda that she was on the right path

Zelda: Or at least in the right pond.

>>and that she should continue to grope his bulge.

Link: Wait, did I gasp “continuetogropemybulge?” That’d explain it.

>>At the same time, it seemed only fair that the princess got to feel his sensitive bits,

Rauru: He should encrypt his sensitive bits more thoroughly if he doesn’t want them accessed like this.

Link: Well they certainly are “megabits” all right, heh heh heh heh...

>>and after a moment of hesitation, she slipped her hand into Link's boxers and began to fondle his balls directly,

Zelda: Okay so it’s “only fair” that, because I’m touching his dick, that I should ALSO touch his balls...?

Link: Seems fair to me.

>>simultaneously marveling at the apparent girth of his erection.

DED: Yes, the revealed truth of his erection.

Rauru: We hold these girths to be self-evident.

Zelda: Well your girth sure is self-evident.

Rauru (eating a pile of lamb chops): Gehuh?

>>"M-Mmmm… Ahhh…" Link moaned, his body shivering from how soft and gentle Zelda's hand felt against his genitals.

Link: Weird how we’re both shivering from everything BUT the frigid cold of the pond. You’d think that’d be the overriding factor.

>>Even with the influx of women vying for his affections,

DED: Really opened the women-floodgates. Unclogged the babe-sluices.

>>both now and before the Calamity,

Zelda: But the only woman vying for his attention “now” is...me.

Rauru: You’re a one-woman influx, I guess.

Link: You are kinda...a lot, sometimes...

Zelda: WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?! I’LL SKIN YOUR WHOLE FAMILY ALIVE!

>>Link had never been intimate with a woman before now.

DED: They kept turning out to be Yiga ninjas.

>>Zelda had been the first to capture his heart,

Zelda: Now to salt the earth, spike the cannons, poison the wells, lay booby-traps, the usual.

>>and the first he allowed to get so close like this.

Link: Well I was gonna wait until after she fully washed herself before letting her get close like this...but uh...nah it’s cool...

Zelda: Hey, if I, the divine incarnation of beauty and light, don’t count as “girl who stinks good,” then no one does.

>>"P- Princess…" Link could hardly speak, as his mind rapidly turned to mush against Zelda's handjob.

Rauru: That explains a lot.

>>Even if the Princess wasn't confident in herself, it still felt like pure bliss to the Hero.

Link: But...if my mind is mush, does it feel like bliss? Or just like mush? I’m confused.

Zelda: Probably because your mind is mush.

Link: It’s what?

>>"Link…!" Zelda found herself moaning as well,

DED: Well at least she found herself.

Rauru: Would that we could all find our true selves.

Zelda: Just like you, huh?

Rauru: *munch chomp*

>>with Link having not stopped groping her petite bust despite her handjob.

DED: Wow, the past-future-conditional-pluperfect-subjunctive...

>>Heat swelled within the princess's body, the likes of which she had never felt before even during the precious few times she masturbated.

Zelda: Diddle ye rosebuds while ye may.

>>In fact, what little clothing she still had covering her person was starting to feel stuffy and restricting,

Rauru: Very little, yeah...

Link: That’s what I’M always saying! Underwear, begone! I cast you out!

>>and thinking that Link felt the same with his boxers,

Link: ...Oh, nah, boxers are fine. My balls deserve a silken palace, not a straightjacket.

>>she shyly asked, "W-would you… like me to r-remove your underwear, Link?"

DED: Depends on what she’s planning on doing with it, I’d say.

>>"… Y-Yes." Link grunted, feeling more than ready to have this underwear removed from him at long last.

Zelda: Which would neatly explain why, when asked “would you like me to remove your underwear,” he responded, “Yes.”

>>At the same time,

Rauru: ...which is now, in case you forgot...

>>his hands moved down and pulled at the strings holding her underwear in place.

Link: She didn’t understand what they meant by “stay strapped.”

>>Zelda gasped as her undergarments were removed, left to float in the pond

DED: Soon to be used by a merganser to build a nest.

>>and leaving the Princess completely bare to her lover.

Zelda: And, like, in the abstract.

>>Heeding Link's wishes along with her own, Zelda hooked both her hands along the waistband of her knight's boxers

Link: Ah, yes, the Knight’s Boxers synergize really well with the Warrior’s Bulge.

>>and swiftly yanked them down. A loud gasp fled her throat

Rauru: And faked its own death.

>>as she got the first glimpse of Link's cock,

DED: Ever, by anyone.

Link: Watch this exclusive preview only on Link TV.

>>erect and ready to take her right then and there.

Zelda: Despite the many obvious drawbacks.

>>"O-OH MY…!"

Rauru: Badness gracious!

Link: ...Badness?

Rauru: I dunno, public nudity and sex is nominally a crime, right?

>>The two lovers were now completely bare in front of each other,

DED: Welp, that’s bathing for you.

>>and Link's cock was rigid and pulsating at the idea of fucking the Princess right in front of him.

Link: It’s pretty hard to fuck a Princess behind or to the side of you. But I’m down to try.

>>The stress of heroism had finally caught up to him, and now there was nothing left to hold him back.

Rauru: Except for the...stress...of heroism...

>>"Princess…"

Zelda: Present!

>>Link muttered,

DED: So if “muttered” means that in the past, you did mutter, then does “mutter” mean “one who mutts?”

>>his cock rubbing up against her tummy, causing Zelda to flinch from how hot it felt.

Zelda: Boiling the pond...creating steam pressure...hmm, some kind of atmospheric engine...

Link: Don’t build a steam engine powered by my dick! Be serious! You should build a steam engine powered by the heat from a burning pile of those styrofoam inserts that come with the...

>>"I haven't quite… tended to my needs in a long time, with my journey in the way.

Rauru: Which explains the smell.

>>Though, that never stopped some women from trying…"

Link: As I climbed the side of a mountain in a thunderstorm, women clinging to my cock, tumbling down the hillside when their grip strength ran out...

>>"I… can see why, now." Zelda uttered,

DED: ...“One who utts?”

Rauru: Does that mean my cookies are “they who nutt and butt?”

Link: ...Uhhhhh?

Rauru (pinching twelve Nutter Butters between middle finger and thumb, biting through them like a sandwich): ...Deeshe. Deeshe fings.

>>completely in awe at Link's dick,

Zelda: More like “in aww,” as in, “aww, how cute.”

>>the likes of which she could only really remember seeing in some of Purah's 'special' books.

DED: How Purah-ile.

>>Curious, she dipped a finger below the water

Zelda: Detach a reconnaissance finger, send it over there to check things out.

>>and ran the tip along his shaft, earning a pleasured groan from her knight.

Rauru: I guess he’s lady’s knight, and the feeling’s right.

Link: Oh what a knight!

>>He felt so eager, and quite frankly, so was she,

DED: Thank you for your candor, narrator.

>>with her pussy aching with the need to have Link inside her at last.

Rauru: Ahh, quit yer pussyachin’.

>>"Link… I… I-I think I'm ready for you."

Zelda: “Ready for your dick, at least. As for you in general, well, even I’m not totally prepared for whatever might happen.”

>>She uttered, wrapping both arms around Link's neck and pressing his dick tightly between their naked bodies.

DED: As they say, that’s...close but no cigar. And by “they” I mean Bill Clinton.

>>Link responded in kind

Link: Now it’s MY turn to utter, just you wait!

>>by grabbing Zelda by her waist and turning her around. The Princess yelped a little as it happened,

Rauru: Mmmm, I get off with a little yelp from my friends...

>>and not a second later she was bent over so that her arms were touching the edge of the pond.

Zelda: ...Huh. I was picturing a much bigger pond with us in the middle of it. This is like...what, jacuzzi-sized? Ridiculous. Is this a pond or a pothole?

DED: Maybe it’s one of those plastic fish ponds you can get at the hardware store.

Link: Look, I gotta add value to my new home.

>>Zelda blushed when she felt his hard, hot cock poke against the entrance of her pussy, with his clear intention being to violate her from behind.

Rauru: If the intentions are still not clear enough, I’ve prepared this informative slideshow on human mating behaviors.

>>"…I'll be gentle, Princess." Link told her gently. "If it hurts at any moment, let me know."

Link: “And I’ll try to give a shit.”

>>"O- of course…" Zelda uttered softly,

Zelda: You can just write “said.” Just plunk it in every so often. It’s not against the law or anything.

>>sparing a quick glance back at Link before shutting her eyes and bracing herself.

DED: You see, the triangle is nature’s strongest shape.

>>She had no clue what to expect,

Rauru: Okay, no, I think she has some clue what to expect.

>>but somehow that only made the prospect of her first time sound even more exciting.

Link: The exciting sound of “squeeesh, splort-splort-splort-splort thwop-thwop-thwop-thwop...”

>>With nothing left to hold him back, Link shoved half of his length directly into Zelda's pussy.

Zelda: What is this half-dicked effort?

>>The Princess gasped, her back arching and teeth gritting.

DED: And her mouth gasping.

Rauru: Yeah I saw.

>>Link almost felt the urge to pull back out, but Zelda gave him an encouraging look, to keep doing it.

DED: Where often is toooook, an encouraging loooooook, and the ponds are all cloudy all daaaaayyyyy!

>>With that incentive,

Zelda: Limited time only. Not compatible with other offers. You must make a free account on the Zelda app to redeem.

>>Link kept going, shoving the entirety of his dick inside Zelda's pussy. A little bit of blood dribbled out as her virginity was stolen,

Link: Wh...hey! “Stolen?!” C’mon, I got permission! I got all KINDS of permission!

Rauru: Sex is just more exciting if you imagine it’s a heist of some kind.

>>and Link was almost overcome with how tightly her pussy clamped down on his dick.

DED: So okay, if he was overcome with pussy-grip, what would that look like? He pulls out, unable to bear the pressure? He passes out? His dick falls off? He dies?

Zelda: As with everything, it all depends on my inscrutable royal whims.

>>It felt amazing against him.

Link: Why?! Why must pussy forever be against me?!

Zelda: Well maybe if you—

Link: Women fear me! Fish fear me! Men turn their eyes away from me as I walk! No beast dare make a sound in my presence! I am alone on this barren earth!

>>Slowly, surely, he began to rock his hips back and forth,

Rauru: The first experimental tests of a white boy attempting rhythm.

>>his rod going in and out of Zelda as he began to fuck her from behind.

DED: We’re all familiar with the ins and outs of Zelda by now.

Zelda: Dungeon item always gets used on the boss, &c.

>>For Zelda, the experience was honestly indescribable.

Link: Sounds like someone needs a new Link word!

>>At first, she felt a sharp burst of pain as Link slid his shaft inside of her, but with each measured thrust,

Rauru: Using LIDAR or something I guess. Maybe some accelerometers. I don’t wanna tell you your business, here.

>>the agony was swiftly being replaced with extreme amounts of pleasure.

Zelda: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! EXTREEEEEEEEME!

Link: SURRRRRRRRRGE!!!

>>The arousal she felt before couldn't compare to the lust she now felt,

DED: I...feel like it could...? Like, it’s the same thing, but more...?

Rauru: Nope. It’s like comparing apples and porn-ges.

>>and let Link know how good his dick felt with pleasured moans and gasps.

Link: Uhh, that’s nice and all, but I see here on my survey card you only rated this dicking-down as “Very Good,” not “Excellent.” See, my supervisor will dock me for anything less than a perfect score, so...

>>"A-AHH~! Hah… S-sweet Hylia, t-this is… amazing!" Zelda breathed out, her cries growing louder and louder with each time Link thrusted into her.

Zelda: Resetting in loudness after each sexual encounter, though, I assume.

>>Link grabbed Zelda by her waist, holding tightly onto her as he thrusted into the Princess.

Rauru: I suppose she’s pretty slippery at this point, sure.

>>Her plump ass cheeks clapped every time he thrusted inside of her, a sound that was akin to music in his ears.

DED: Turn your face away, from the pond you’re in this day, turn your thoughts away from noble social class...and listen to...the muuuuusic oooof the aaaaaaass!

>>Zelda's moans were loud, echoing out into the night, but to them it may as well have been inside of their own bubble.

Rauru: But to EVERYONE ELSE...might be kind of a nuisance.

>>Right now, Link wanted Zelda. He wanted everything about her.

Link: Yeah but like...some things more than others...

>> His mind didn't focus on anything else but the Princess right in front of him,

Zelda: You could stop much earlier in this clause and still be correct. More correct, really.

DED: You mean “His mind didn’t focus on anything?”

Zelda: Briefer...

DED: “His mind didn’t focus?”

Zelda: Brieferrrrr...

DED: “His mind didn’t?”

Zelda: Bingo.

Link: Bingo?! Aww MAAAN, I had four out of five in a row...

>>who moaned and cried out his name as he fucked her.

Rauru: Talk about a “housewarming party.”

Link: I warmed her house ‘til I real estate broke ’er.

>>"L- Link!

Zelda: “That’s not my pussy, that’s a blob of frog eggs you’re fucking!”

>>K-keep going!"

Link: “Where? The pond isn’t that big!”

>>Zelda frantically urged,

DED: That’s what she does most of the time, really. Monarchs are pretty much professional urgers.

Zelda: For that matter, video game damsels are ALSO usually full-time urgers.

Rauru: ...BURGERS? Did someone say b...oh.

>>waves of pleasure assaulting her from every angle,

Link: Where the hell is our air support?! I repeat, we are being overrun!

>>with one of her hands grabbing at her chest for even more ecstasy.

Zelda: Ecstasy, ecstasy, hmm...where the hell did I put it, I swear I left it in my chest somewhere...

>>"Don't hold back!

DED: “Hold hips! That’ll work better in this position!”

>>I… I order you to not hold back with me!"

Link: Whaaaatever.

Zelda: Now you listen here Buster Brown.

DED: Execute...Order 69!

>>Link took those orders to heart, as he proceeded to put the entirety of his weight into all of his thrusts.

Rauru: Turning Zelda’s whole torso into a gory chutney of meat and bone.

Link: She asked for it.

>>Link grunted, Zelda practically screamed to the Heavens as they were lost in ecstasy.

DED: Remember, always keep one hand on the left wall and eventually you’ll trace the whole path.

>>Zelda's hands dug into the soil,

Zelda: Ugh, GROSS, geez, like a FARMER?! Ugh, eww, gack.

>>her entire body quaking from pleasure.

Rauru: My entire body is pleasured by Quaker Oats, is that sort of the same thing?

>>Link could feel something broiling to the surface,

Link: That’s...um...no?

Rauru: His feelings were being cooked by overhead direct heating elements? I think not. His filets, on the other hand...

>>and he knew that he was close. "Z-Zelda…! Mmmph!"

DED: Zelda! I command you to mmmph! Mmmph at once!

>>"Link!" A burst of pressure, unlike anything she had ever felt before, swelled up between Zelda's thighs.

Zelda: There need to be more stories featuring sexual dysfunction or imperfect symmetry of orgasms. It’s not weird or wrong, it happens! Have him finish the job with his fingers or something, it’d be a welcome novelty!

>>Each pump of Link's dick brought her closer and closer to sweet release,

DED: Just like every pump of pesticides Link had ever sprayed around his house formed toxic runoff that accumulated in this pond, bringing them closer and closer to chronic illness.

 

>>and the horny princess was forced to use every last ounce of her willpower to hold onto that blissful feeling.

Zelda: Really? If I used every last ounce of willpower I have I could probably make an orgasm last, like, 100 trillion years.

DED: Please, no more time-locked eternal orgasms, we WENT OVER this...

>>"I… I'm so close, Link! So close to… to…"

Rauru: “...dumping you...”

>>The words slowly died on Zelda's tongue

Link: SAME TBH

>>as her body started to shudder. It started out slowly enough,

Zelda: Oh, phew, that’s a relief.

>>but before long her entire body began to vibrate and spasm uncontrollably as a massive wave of euphoria broke through the last of her mental defenses.

DED: She saw one single popup ad that said “try not to cum” and she took it way too literally.

>>Rearing her head back, Zelda cried out at the top of her lungs, "A-AHHHHHHHH~!

Zelda: “OH GOD OH FUCK OH NOOOOOOOO!”

>>I'M CUMMING, LINK! I'M CUMMING!"

Link: “YEAH I KINDA FIGURED THAT OUT BEFORE YOU BLEW OUT MY EARDRUMS, BUT THANKS ANYWAY!”

>>"Ngh… H-HIYAAAAAH!"

DED: Hai-keebah!

>>Link grit his teeth, his chin bucking into his chest as he blew his load right inside of Zelda's tight pussy.

Rauru: Right inside it, huh? Wow.

>>His semen came out in burst after burst, quickly overflowing her womb

DED: That just isn’t true. The womb only takes tiny little sips of cum through a microscopic opening. Open the schools!

Zelda: Well, you’re the expert on sipping cum.

DED: Hardly an expert, I just remember basic high school facts.

Link: Like...sipping cum.

DED: Exactly.

>>to the point that it began leaking out and seeping into the pond itself.

Link: Oh no, now the POND is pregnant!

>>Link leaned down, both he and Zelda worn out after such explosive orgasms.

Rauru: Well, if they’re worn out, we’ll have to replace them. Don’t want them blowing out on the highway.

>>It was as if a massive weight lifted off of them, their individual stresses released for the first time in ages.

Zelda: Oh, sure, for like, five or six minutes, even. Then the stress comes roaring back stronger than ever.

>>Slowly, Link pulled out of Zelda. The remaining semen dripped out of her holes,

DED: Damn, he done blasted a fistula through her birth canal into her rectum and filled two holes with one.

>>and all Link could do was stare on with a flustered expression.

Link: Stare on! Stare on! Stare on! Stare until your stare comes true!

>>"S-Sorry, I… I couldn't pull out in time…"

Zelda: YOU DIDN’T EVEN TRY!

>>It took Zelda several moments to catch her breath before she managed to weakly turn around and respond.

Rauru: Sic the attorneys on him.

>>"That's… more than alright…"

Zelda: “It’s downright...decent...”

>>She uttered, working up the strength to smile at Link.

Link: Is it so hard...?

Zelda: Ironically, when you are servicing me sexually that’s when it’s easiest to smile about you. Most other times, you DO tend to make it pretty hard to...what...HEY! I see you down there fiddling with the live wires under the floorboards!

Link: But, but, I’m trying to jump-start your shoes!

>>"That was… better than I ever could have dreamed it would be…"

DED: Get better at dreaming. Level up your dreaming game.

>>"Yeah…" Due to his vastly superior stamina,

Rauru: Forty-five billion tedious shrines’ worth...

>>Link was already recovered,

Link: ...What was I covered with initially...?

>>but he still took the time to dote on Zelda and ensure she was alright.

DED: Hmm, I guess he’s a DOTER Too.

>>"I… I didn't hurt you, did I?"

Zelda: Gonna have to try harder than THAT, bucko.

>>Zelda was touched by Link's concern,

Rauru: And by his ding-dong.

>>but softly shook her head as she allowed her loyal knight to pick her up into his strong, protective arms.

Link: With their firm, manly elbows...

>>"Not at all… Well… Truthfully,

Zelda: “Yes at all.

>>it did hurt a bit at the beginning, but I believe that was more due to this being my first time, um… h-having sexual intercourse of any sort."

DED: Real Actual Dialogue Such As Normal Human Speakers Often Speak.

>>"I'm relieved. I didn't know how to properly control my own strength, b-but… I'm happy you enjoyed yourself, Princess."

Link: “Now, to hug you a normal and comfortable amount.”

>>Link smiled at the Princess, and Zelda blushed a little as he stepped out of the pond with Zelda in his arms.

Rauru: Look, he’s evolving.

>>Being as strong as he was, carrying her was practically nothing for the Hero, and he easily made his way inside of his home.

Zelda: Being as intelligent as he was, it was a mighty struggle for him to find his way from the pond to the door.

>>"Though…" Link muttered as they walked up the stairs, directly to his bed.

DED: So they’re both just dripping with pond water and duckweed and algae and cum, huh? Right straight into bed?

>>"I feel like… Just once isn't enough for me, Princess."

Link: “One bath didn’t cut it, I still kind of stink. Come to think of it, we got all sweaty and gooey without rinsing off, huh? Like I’m glad we acknowledged our undying love and all, but we kind of failed the mission. Oh and we should probably do some laundry or we’ll just be putting filthy clothes back on again...”

>>"You… wish to go again?" Zelda asked, blushing deeply at the implication of Link's words.

Rauru: Or do you wish to quit to the title screen?

>>"Only if you're willing," Link clarified, as he gently laid the naked Princess on his own bed.

DED: Hey wait a second, so we had all this discussion about how he bought this house, and had it repaired and restored and everything, even down to the quality of the timber used...and now we’re just, in it? In the bedroom? No descriptions, no payoff, nothing? They established the hell out of Chekhov’s House only for the characters to bang in a pond?!

Zelda: This sultry real-estate potboiler only partially delivered.

Rauru: For that matter, the pond started glowing with magical power, but that just...tapered off to no effect...?

Zelda: Oh, that was the birth-control incantation doing its thing.

>>Zelda quickly realized that there was only one,

Link: ...Singular sensation, and you can forget the rest...

>>and now the naked, and very muscular Hero was looming over her body with a clear desire to do more.

DED: Should I try to do some more? Twenty-five or six to fooooo, oooo, OOOOOOUR!

>>"But… Yes. Absolutely. I want to do it over and over with you."

Zelda: “Wait that’s not quite right, what am I trying to get at here...oh, yeah, I don’t mean ‘I want to do it over and over,’ I meant ‘I want a do-over.’ Like, I want a mulligan on this whole thing.”

>>Zelda stared up into Link's eyes, which, in a rare show of emotion, adopted a rather teasing appearance.

Link: How about a kiss, for luck?

Zelda: You’ve GOT to be kidding!

>>Yet, there was not a single doubt in the princess's mind that this was something they both wanted and that they both wholeheartedly deserved.

Rauru: Waaaait a second, you can’t “wholeheartedly deserve” something! It’s not up to you! It’s up to...y’know, cosmic justice or whatever system of morality you’re using!

DED: Desert.

Rauru: HELL YEAH dessert!

Zelda: He means “desert,” pronounced like “dessert,” meaning “the state of being deserving of something.”

Rauru (eating from a casserole dish full of tiramisu): Dessert!

Zelda: As in “just deserts.” As in, “when Rauru gets his just deserts, he’ll explode and die in a fitting end to his life of gluttony.”

Rauru: Ah nopf reereey shur I unnerschtan, *glomp nof* canoo runnat by me again schomtime? *smonk* Mebbe afer’ahm done wif dessert? *gromf*

DED: Thanks, but I didn’t expect that to do anything.

Zelda: Me either, but...

>>Thus, with an eager smile, Zelda nodded and placed her hands to Link's hips again,

Link: Oh like I need your help.

>>giggling as she cooed, "In that case, let's make up for all the time we spent apart from one another~"

DED: One Hundred Years of Ball-itude.

>>"With pleasure~"

Link: “That’s the idea at least...”

>>With that, Link and Zelda embraced each other, and the night was thusly spent

Rauru: ...And thrustly spent...

>>in passionate lovemaking well into the morning.

Rauru: ...And well into the moaning...

>>They had quite a lot of catching up to do, after all.

DED: Let’s see, a hundred years of separation, let’s assume they’re horny and fit enough to have sex every day...that’s...one down, thirty-five thousand nine hundred ninety-nine to go. Plus each day of REAL time that goes by in the present is compounding that figure, so...

Zelda: Well THAT’s gotta be some kind of record.

DED: Yeah, I bet it feels better than splurgiff.

Link: SPLURGIFFFFFF!

Zelda: NGGGGHHAAAAAAAAHHHH!! SHUT UP! WHY MUST I BE SURROUNDED BY INANITY?!

Rauru (licking the casserole dish): Eh, it’s what you desert.